FuNNy JoKeS make life gOoD and HuMoRouS

Sarcastic jokes-No actor

2012-01-28T00:01:00.000-08:00

Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said “Hell, I m no actor, and I’ve got thirty movies to prove it!”

Humor jokes-Watching football

2012-01-27T00:04:00.000-08:00

According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games. But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church.

Good jokes-What's the catch?

2012-01-27T00:01:00.001-08:00

A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. “How did the meeting go?” asks the first guy.

“It went great,” says his buddy. “Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million.”

“Fabulous,” says the guy by the pool.

“There’s just one catch,” his partner warns.

“What’s the catch?”

“We have to put up ten thousand in cash”.

Funny jokes-Art directors

2012-01-27T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I’ve got this neat candle holder…

Knock knock jokes-Burglar

2012-01-26T00:01:00.001-08:00

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Irish burglar"

Limericks-Honey, I'm home!

2012-01-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"

Funny jokes-Comedic success

2012-01-25T00:01:00.001-08:00

Two sailors of similar caliber talking to one another, one slightly "smarter" but the other more annoying (and therefore an equal consideration):

"Ask me the secret to my comedic success."

"What's the secret to your com-"

"Timing."

Circus jokes-Red stuff

2012-01-25T00:01:00.000-08:00

What is the gooey red stuff between an elephant's toes?

Slow clowns.

Good jokes-Smart shoes

2012-01-24T00:01:00.001-08:00

"One time my mate Peterson bought some robotic shoes. Smart Shoes, they were called. It was actually genius; no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But that all changed when he had a night in Oslow, and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see the shoes got bored of walking between the bar and his flat; they wanted to see the world, you know. Had a hell of a time getting rid of them. No matter who we sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. Last time we've heard from them they broke into a car and drove into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see. Peterson was really blown away about the whole thing. So he went to see a Priest, and the priest said that it was all right and that the shoes had gone to heaven. Because you see, it turns out shoes have soles."

Sarcastic jokes-Dyslexic

2012-01-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: How did George Michael find out he was dyslexic?

A: He misread the sign "Have a walk in our park."

Political jokes-Obama at Disney World

2012-01-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it's going to be awkward when he walks into the 'Hall of Presidents' and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.

Obama doesn't pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.

Really funny jokes-The temptation

2012-01-23T00:01:00.001-08:00

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind. After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 45 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife. "What should I do?" asked Jake.

The psychiatrist said: "Take Melrose Avenue."

Funny statements-Classic insult

2012-01-23T00:01:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Short humor jokes-Wikipedia

2012-01-23T00:00:00.000-08:00

Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it's 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.

Adult jokes-Smell great!

2012-01-22T00:01:00.000-08:00

Good jokes-Ticket for shoes

2012-01-21T00:01:00.001-08:00

When the rod in her closet fell from the weight of her clothes Sally decided to donate some. While gathering the garments she no longer wore, she checked the pockets in one coat and found a ticket for shoes she’d brought in for repairs nearly four years before. “So that’s what happened to those,” she muttered.

Later that day after dropping off the clothes, she decided to see if the repairman still had the shoes.

After studying the ticket, the man said. “I’m sorry, but those won’t be ready until Friday.

Sarcastic jokes-Irish kidnapper

2012-01-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

Did you hear about the Irish kidnapper?

He enclosed a stamped self-addressed envelope with the ransom note.

Political jokes-Late night comedians

2012-01-21T00:00:00.000-08:00

The thing I don't like about Romney is that he's not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians.
- Craig Ferguson

Adult jokes-Confucius sayings

2012-01-20T00:01:00.001-08:00

Confucius sayings

Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next spring.

Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.

Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water.

Bar jokes-Number twelve

2012-01-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

"You're under 18," replies the barman.

Sarcastic political jokes-The Best President

2012-01-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

Fidel Castro posted a blog entry last week titled "The Best President." Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen.
- Jimmy Kimmel

Really funny jokes-Lousy date

2012-01-19T00:01:00.001-08:00

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 130 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 110 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Wauwa, it was wousy."

Short funny jokes-Holy water

2012-01-19T00:01:00.000-08:00

You know how to make holy water?

You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

Political jokes-Marry mistress

2012-01-19T00:00:00.000-08:00

According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again.
- Jay Leno

Good jokes-Electric chair

2012-01-18T00:01:00.002-08:00

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups.

The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"

The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"