FuNNy JoKeS make life gOoD and HuMoRouS

Commander

2013-05-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

Judge Jenkins: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant : Commander Danny Wiliams.

Judge Jenkins: What does the "Commander" stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name, not a damn thing.

Funny jokes-Straight

2013-05-22T00:01:00.001-07:00

Jack, a young boy from St. Alban's, England was asked by his teacher to spell the word 'straight.' Jack did so without error.

'Well done!' smiled the teacher, 'Now, Jack, what does it mean?'

'Without water in it!' responded Jack immediately.

Adult jokes-Creating the Universe

2013-05-21T00:01:00.001-07:00

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." Adam went on and on like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple org*sms..."

Practical jokes-Two electricians

2013-05-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

Electricians Mike and Joe were working on a high voltage line. Mike stood on the pole and said to Joe:

“Hey, grab that wire on the right, please!”

“Got it!” said Joe

“Do you feel anything?” asked Mike

“No!” said Joe.

“Well then please be careful with the wire on the left! It has 40000 volts going through it!”

Light bulb jokes-Civil servants

2013-05-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.

Short funny jokes-Bald men

2013-05-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Tom: Why do bald men have holes in there pockets?

Jerry: So they can run their fingers through their hair.

Funny pictures-Time

2013-05-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

Short funny jokes-Too possessive

2013-05-18T00:01:00.001-07:00

A noun and a verb were dating but they split up because the noun was too possessive.

Insensitive

2013-05-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

While on vacation, my brother looked after my cat for me. When I returned the following week, I telephoned him to arrange to collect the cat.

My brother seemed upset. "I don't know how to tell you but the cat died on Thursday" he said. I was mortified and shouted at him, " You could have found a better way to tell me that the cat was dead. You should have told me that she fell off the roof and although the vet did his best, the injuries were too great."

"I guess you're right", agreed my brother "it was a bit insensitive of me".

"That's okay" I replied.

"How is mother by the way", I enquired.

My brother retorted "She fell off the roof".

Funny jokes-Castles

2013-05-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

a) Neurotics build castles in the air.

b) Psychotics live in them.

c) Psychiatrists are the people who collect the rent.

Previous bank

2013-05-16T00:01:00.003-07:00

A mother decided that her young 11 year old daughter should open her own bank account.

"As it will be your account, I think that you should complete the application form" said the mother.

The daughter was doing really well but was puzzled when she came to where it said 'Name of previous bank'. She pondered for a second and when wrote 'Piggy'.

Funny animal jokes-Bitten

2013-05-15T00:01:00.003-07:00

My friend Bob went to a bar last week and sat beside a man who had a dog sat by him.

"Has your dog ever bitten anyone?" Bob asked.

"No" replied the man. The dog then jumped up and bit Bob on the arm.

"You lied; you said your dog had never bitten anyone" cried Bob.

"I know, that isn"t my dog" came the reply.

Words of Wisdom

2013-05-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

WISDOM: Behind every successful man there is a woman, the problem is, she is somebody else’s woman.

Human body

2013-05-13T00:02:00.000-07:00

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I

People who wrote SPINE became doctors. The rest are all my friends.

Dead woman

2013-05-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He came to the station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman........naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is zis young couple naked 'aving sex "

To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English."

Light bulb jokes-Country and Western singers

2013-05-12T00:01:00.001-07:00

How many country and western singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four.
One to change it,
One to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one,
One to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and
One to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.

Amazing dog

2013-05-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

I followed a man with his dog from the movie theater last night and said to him “You have an amazing dog there. I was watching him through the film and he was laughing and crying in all the right places. Isn't that really unusual".

"It is" he replied "considering he absolutely hated the book".

Limericks-Sprawl out

2013-05-11T00:01:00.001-07:00

There was a young lady named Mable
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
Then cry to her man,
'Stuff in all you can -
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able.

Little Johnny jokes-Dead Goldfish

2013-05-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbor looked over the fence and asked "What are you doing here? "

"I've just buried my goldfish, it died" replied Little Johnny tearfully.

"That is a mighty large hole you dug for a goldfish" said the neighbor.

Patting down the last bit of earth, Little Johnny said "That's because my goldfish is inside your stupid cat".

Funny toons-Immigration

2013-05-10T00:01:00.001-07:00

Funny jokes-Wish to Win

2013-05-09T00:01:00.001-07:00

A Scotsman out walking his dog accidentally kicks a small shiny object. Out pops a genie declaring that he is the genie of the lamp, and for freeing him from his 1000 year imprisonment the Scotsman will be granted one wish. The Scotsman asks, "Can you make my dog win Crufts?"

"I'm sorry", replies the genie, "but your dog has one eye, three legs, and no teeth. I'm only a genie, not a miracle worker".

The Scotsman thinks for a while and then says to the genie, "OK, how about Scotland winning at Wembley?"

"Give me another look at that dog", replies the genie.

Funny jokes-Remainder

2013-05-08T00:02:00.000-07:00

A banker was recently arrested having embezzled $ 120,000 for his son's University education.

The arresting police officer, who had also a son at University said as he was putting the handcuffs on him.

"One question puzzles me "he said "Where was the remainder of the money you need coming from?".

A gift for girlfriend

2013-05-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

Fred says to his friend Sam, "I want to buy a gift for my girlfriend on her birthday but I am not sure what she would like. Can you suggest something?"

Sam : "Does she like you?"

Fred : "Of course yes."

Sam : "Then she would like anything."

Animal jokes-Cat ate my dinner

2013-05-07T00:01:00.001-07:00

When I came back from work yesterday my wife informed me that the cat had eaten my dinner.

"No worries" I replied " We can always buy another cat".

Good jokes-Message on Answering Machine

2013-05-06T00:02:00.002-07:00

Did you ever hear one of these corny, 'positive' messages on someone's answering machine? They usually go something like this.......

"Hi, it's a great day & I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is, 'Share the love.' Leave your name & number after the beep. I'll get right back to ya."
<<< BEEP! >>>

"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling..... Speaking of being 'positive', your test is back. STOP sharing the love!" Click.