Bill's Bitter Pills

New Book

2009-12-15T21:43:00.003-06:00

I haven't posted in a VERY long time...anyhow I have a collection of my stories in the following book. Take a look...buy a book...at Amazon!

http://www.amazon.com/Save-Stall-Suburban-Write-People/dp/1608369803/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260934793&sr=1-1

One of my best pictures!

2009-02-11T11:06:00.003-06:00

Hard to believe these were taken at the same party!!!

One of my worst pictures!

2009-02-11T10:58:00.001-06:00

Quotable Quotes: From Unquotable People

2008-06-01T05:39:00.001-05:00

"Keep your inner child alive and active."
Bill Hicks

Quotable Quotes: From Unquotable People

2007-10-20T09:14:00.000-05:00

I've heard many good people (but NOT famous people) say things that SHOULD be quotable...so I'm turning them into quotes that EVERYONE can use!

"You've made an impenetrable web of failure around your whole life."
Sarah Craig

Part of My Morning Ritual

2007-08-21T21:25:00.000-05:00

This time I opt for the toothpaste that was NOT created by a famous artist—but STOLE his name (DaVinci—that’s why the Mona Lisa was NOT smiling—she used his toothpaste and ALL her teeth fell out.)—to make my teeth pearly white (it must have ACID in it to remove the plaque). Hope it works, it costs as much as a DaVinci painting (but I HOPE after using it, it’s NOT my Last Supper with teeth). While brushing this time, I pay special attention to my NOW bleeding gums and blood-coated tongue so my breath will not smell like a “Fresh” kill. Soon, I will have such white teeth and wonderful breath people will flock to date me (at least that's what all the TV commercials suggest). The reality is probably more like: vultures will flock above; expecting to eat my leftover kills or sharks will swim in a circle awaiting their chum.

Have cafes gone to the dogs?

2007-08-18T12:31:00.000-05:00

August 18, 2007
I just heard that dogs may soon be legal inside café’s in Chicago. But not cigarettes. How does that makes sense? I’d rather have a smoker who I can get away from, sitting across from me. A dog will chew on your shoes while drooling all over short-exposed legs—then hump your leg. And when you try to escape he will follow you and pee on you (marking you as “his” territory). Smokers will politely put out their cigarette (even though they are more addicted to then than crack addicts are to crack)—how polite can they be? A dog is not so polite—it will hump you—then depart without even giving you a goodbye kiss. Plus while humping you he will likely shed, bark and fart without even an apology.

Dogs (pets in general) are NOT children, as much as some people treat them as such. And smoking is an addiction (an addiction that pays for MANY important programs in Chicago—so important, that since they over-increased the cigarette tax and people have either quit smoking or left town to buy their cigarettes, Chicago now must put a tax on bottled water—finally a fair tax!). But dogs don’t get taxed just for being—or for being something their owner is addicted to—even though this is oftentimes the case. Yet dogs are okay at bars/cafes, and cigarettes are not. How does that make ANY sense?

And before you ASSUME I’m a smoker—I quit almost a year ago (and have some issues with the smell)…but I still feel smokers are the ONLY minority who it’s okay to be blatantly and openly bigoted about!!

Mr. Man-ners (from Gas Leaks Bother Me)

2007-08-08T21:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
My boss has a gas problem. He has been farting in front of people (judges, attorneys, etc.) for over 20 something years and no one says anything. Yes, he has done it to me. But today was the last straw. He farted in my area and left a horrible smell behind. I am feeling very disrespected. Can you please tell me how to deal with this without alienating myself?
Gas Leaks Bother Me

Dear Gas Leaks Bother Me:
They bother LOTS of people and kill many people EVERY year! Tell him to have his furnace checked out so NO one has to die! Or maybe he thinks you’re INTO “man smells”. Tell him this is NOT the case and that he should douche so he ONLY passes clean “natural” gas. That MIGHT give him a clue. But I doubt it. Your boss is a SHIT (Stupid Hedonistic Ignorant Twit)—and he’s full of shit too! My suggestion is to SNEAK a whoopee cushion into some IMPORANT meeting and make sure HE sits on it. When that upsets his clients, well, maybe he’ll get a clue! But don’t hold your breath, oops, maybe you should!
Mr. Man-ners

And Now A New Feature...

2007-08-05T10:28:00.000-05:00

The cartoon Strange Breed is very funny and will now be featured on my site Wednesday/Friday/Sunday...so keep reading!! Tell me what you think.

A Great Quote...

2007-07-25T00:19:00.000-05:00

I found this quote/poem and I love it...can anyone tell me more about it?? I believe it is by an unknown author.

Risk

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk being called sentimental.

To reach out is to risk involvement.

To expose feeling is to risk showing your true self.

To place your ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk being naive.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying .

To hope is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.

But risk must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.

Those who risk nothing do nothing, have nothing, are nothing and become nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they simply cannot learn to feel, and change, and grow, and love, and live.

Chained by their servitude, they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom. Only people who risk are truly free.

To take a risk is to have faith, to have a trust beyond ourselves.

It is more than fate, it is faith.

10 Commandments for Doctors

2007-07-18T20:53:00.000-05:00

1. Thou shall not allow any other doctor to have more patients, even if that means each patient pays $300 for a 15 minute medical exam.
2. Thou shall not allow any profession to rise to the level of God. This is why chiropractors had such issues getting accredited.
3. Thou shall not allow malpractice lawsuits. This is why in many states there is a limit on monetary awards from these “accidents”.
4. Thou shall charge double when a patient misses an appointment (but make excuses when one misses them with a patient).
5. Thou shall honor patient’s parents (and their medical history) because God knows there are LOTS of things you can blame them for (and lots of diseases you can claim your patients got from their bad “genes”).
6. Thou shall never commit murder, but shall also never tell a patient he/she is well when one can charge for a myriad of tests and prescribe a placebo that costs more than a left lung (that is if a left lung was up for sale on EBay). And if they do not pay their bills, then the doctor shall accidently on purpose let them die.
7. Thou shall never commit theft, but shall over charge for services whenever possible. This is so every patient gets to read these 3 important words: customary and reasonable. As in “Not”.
8. Thou shall not lie and say “I hope you’re doing alright today”, but instead shall ask every patient the same idiotic question: “How are you today?” (If they were doing well, they wouldn’t be visiting a doctor!)
9. Thou shall require payment in full if the patient does NOT have medical insurance, because God forbid the doctor take a pro bono patient and not be able to buy his fifth castle in the South of France.
10. Thou shall not drive any car less than 3 times what ones patients drive—meaning anything less than a $100,000 car. This is so every patient knows he’s getting (if not the best) then the most expensive medical care possible.

Don't get me wrong...I dislike murderers.

2007-07-08T18:18:00.001-05:00

I really do. I don't take too kindly to men or women (or children for that matter) who take other people's lives. I might be amenable to suicide in the right instances, but not murder (unless it's to save oneself from being murdered, then maybe, but not in war--that's just wrong!).

My point is...I really am NOT trying to discount what anybody does. But in the past 6 months I've gone through some stuff (best left like that--unsaid!) that makes me believe that sometimes, on rare occasions, one is not responsible for what one does. Okay, okay, I'm NOT trying to let anybody off the hook here. Really, I'm not.

But when professional wrestler Chris Benoit killed his wife and son over a couple day period, then committed suicide…you have to admit it was too weird. How could anyone stand to stay in the house? The smell? The knowledge? The depravity? UNLESS, it was the roid-rage? Okay, maybe you don’t believe it…but I do. I had to take steroids for a bad sinus infection. The first time, well, I knew they might make me “a little crazy” or so my doctor said. The second time, I noticed they made me a LOT crazy.

I had these unbelievable thoughts—first, there was the instance with the train. I was getting close to the tracks. The guard rail was coming down, I floored the gas. NEVER have I done something so crazy before—plus I didn’t even seem to care. It didn’t faze me…I didn’t worry about it. It was SO unlike me.

Next was the incident with my eye. Hmm, I thought, my eye hurts (a sign of my sinus infection)….hmm, I thought, maybe I should just RIP it out! And this thought kept occurring day in day out. Thankfully, I stopped the roids before I ripped out the eye. I say thankfully because it was someone else’s eye—JUST kidding, it was my eye. And this did happen. So, I understand roid-rage. It’s real. It happens. Sh*t happens. So maybe, maybe there is something to this whole bit about forgiving those who sinned against you (this from a NONRELGIOUS person!).

I WON...I Won...I won...

2007-07-02T06:52:00.000-05:00

This time for real!!!

I won the Droodles Caption Contest...go to the link on above and see it for yourself!

Check OUT my new layout!!

2007-07-01T14:19:00.000-05:00

How do you like it? I know...it's not like one I had before....it's a template...boring, I know, but I'm not a designer and I don't know how to design it myself!!!

Any suggestions?

Grey's Anatomy NOT so grey anymore

2007-06-30T09:04:00.000-05:00

I'd heard long ago about the "hate" word Isaiah Washington spewed about his costar T.R. Knight and his denial at the Golden Globes. I'd heard about how back in January the Disney Channel had said it was "Unacceptable". Yet I believed they were treating his comments as a "grey" area (not black or white--meaning they would do NOTHING about it) and had done nothing about it for months. So, I was delighted when I heard Disney had fired Washington last week.

Hurray for Hollywood (and Mickey too!).

While I liked the character Washington played (and I've watched Grey's Anatomy since it began), I certainly didn't like what I heard about him. And NOW Washington is saying he was fired because of racism.

The Associated Press reported Washington said:
"My mistake was believing that I would get the support from my network and all of my cast mates across the board. My mistake was believing I could correct a wrong with honesty and sincerity," he said in the interview posted online Thursday.
"My mistake was thinking black people get second chances. I was wrong on all fronts," he said. "Well, it didn't help me on the set that I was a black man who wasn't a mush-mouth Negro walking around with his head in his hands all the time. I didn't speak like I'd just left the plantation and that can be a problem for people sometime," he said.

Let me tell you Mr. Washington:
Your mistake was believing that because you are part of a minority you can say whatever the hell you want about ANOTHER minority.
Your mistake was LYING to the American public instead of offering an apology upfront.
Your mistake was thinking that once you apologized, it's would make it all better.
Your mistake was believing that since you're a star, your sh*t didn't stink!
Your mistake is TRYING to make people believe your firing was based on racism!

Mixing my Metaphors

2007-05-31T05:16:00.000-05:00

It's something I do...and we all do...but I liked it so I decided to post it...

Out damn spot--you have no power here!!

It's a tv commercial for laundry detergent...created by william shakespeare and glenda the good witch.

NOT on Hiatus!

2006-12-27T16:15:00.000-06:00

Please...email me with comments about this site!!

Thanks for reading!

DeathGrip: Exit Laughing (NOW SHIPPING!!!)

2006-11-03T18:37:00.000-06:00

COMING SOON TO HELLBOUND BOOKS PUBLISHING

UPDATE:

THIS ANTHOLOGY IS NOW OUT!!!

This anthology contains a coauthored piece, "Time and Tide" (with reputed horror author, d.g.k. goldberg). Expected publication is March, 2006.

Cover art by Billy Tackett

DeathGrip: Exit Laughing
Stories that cross genre-lines, astonish, titillate, and elicit a guilty snicker. If you've ever giggled at a funeral, laughed aloud during a solemn prayer service, or cracked up at any madly inappropriate moment, Exit Laughing is the anthology for you!
Bizarrely side-splitting tales by some of today's most twisted authors!
Including On Becoming Immortal, an all-new story by William F. Nolan!
Also including stories by: d.g.k. goldberg & William D. Hicks, Jeff Strand, Steve Vernon, K. A. Corlett, Steven L. Shrewsbury, Maurice G. Broaddus, Jack Kincaid, Scott Nicholson, Randy Chandler, Edward M. Turner, Carl Hose, Dennis Latham, Kay Sexton, William Christopher, Terry Bramlett, Kevin Anderson, Dan Foley, Mark Zirbel, Robert N. Lee & John A. Burks, Jr. and more to come!
Complete Table of Contents HERE.

To order go to http://www.hellboundbooks.com/dgrip4.html

Need a pork screw?

2006-10-13T14:05:00.000-05:00

NOW this tshirt is FUNNNNNY!!!!
Visit www.cafepress.com/acon to see more hilarious and cool tshirts!

Mr. Man-ners: Am I profound or what?

2006-09-23T07:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr. Man-ners:
I just thought up the most profound saying. “Sometimes you’ve got to believe that God knows what he’s doing.” What do you think?
Believer

Dear Believer:
Just one question: Do you sometimes feel like a nut, and sometimes you don’t?
Mr. Man-ners

Political Tshirts? Yes! And funny too!

2006-09-11T19:06:00.000-05:00

Humor’s my thing. I like good humor. From Benny Hill to Johnny Carson. I like it hot! I mean funny. But sometimes humor just falls short. Sometimes it’s hard to understand what the humorist (writer) is aiming at. Is it a spoof? A satire? Sarcasm? Who is the target? Me? You? Society? A politician?

But when humor works it works well. That’s the case with the following hilarious t-shirts at Anarchy Concepts. The writer’s here got it right. Okay...so they're friends of mine...but just remember, Johnny Carson was a friend of David Letterman!

Here are some of their funny and biting social commentary…that works:

Pluto: 1930-2006, R.I.P. (discovered in 1930 Pluto is no longer one of our planets, it’s a dwarf planet now. Rest in Peace—you will not be forgotten Pluto—your name STILL lives in MOST science books.)
Single: Apply in the rear (funny!)
Single: Oral applications accepted (even funnier!)
I see dead soldiers (where there’s a picture of President Bush with his eyes crossed out—so obviously he does NOT see dead soldiers).
Bush Bash: The best party in town (it’s funny if you enjoy bashing bush!)
The Bush Party: B.Y.O.B.B. (Bring Your Own Body Bag) (sad…but funny too!)

911 Remembered

2006-09-11T11:13:00.000-05:00

EXECUTIVE RULEs 6 & 7 & 8 & 9 & 10

2006-08-31T20:01:00.000-05:00

For the corporate structure that allows people the optimum amount of growth in the company (after all the employees are the backbone of the company, NOT the executives!) the following rules (along with the earlier and the ones that follow) will be adhered to by ALL executives.

Anyone paid over 100,000 a year (including the CEO, CFO, executives, and SENIOR management and SOME middle management) shall be considered an Executive, a Chief, not an Indian (if the company is too chief laden, the Indians are encouraged to revolt!). However, due to executive rule #8 below, this is NOT going to happen at OUR Company.

No executive shall EVER drive a car with a price tag higher than the LOWEST full-time employee’s yearly salary. If they want MORE expensive cars, they need to raise this person’s salary.

Any executive who joins the company will agree NOT to bring in NEW employees from a previous work relationship. Instead, they will hire/promote from within. At such time as the person who is getting this promotion is incapable of being trained, or refuses the job, then an outsider may be hired (but ONLY if everyone who is as capable of learning this new position declines within a department, or the training would require too much time—such as that of learning how to become a brain surgeon). In this way, no employee shall feel slighted—and the company will ACTUALLY be honest when saying, “We promote from within.” Companies do NOT need new blood; they just need someone capable of thinking OUTSIDE the box! (moreover, we ALL know "the box" is the brains of the current senior management and executive staff).

Any new initiatives that executives propose will have to have VERIFIABLE results. They get to see their employees’ efforts every day. Nevertheless, executives are often thinkers, NOT doers. Still, many thinkers create work that is NEITHER profitable NOR verifiable to the company. A computer can generate new ideas for a fraction of the cost of an executive salary: what makes a GOOD executive is the ability to deal with people (civilly, respectfully and inspirationally) and make things happen that are profitable for the company, while NOT being detrimental to its already stretched-thin and overworked workforce.

Executives will NEVER take away benefits from employees. Employees count on these benefits (be it GOOD health insurance, floating holidays, annual Christmas parties, bonuses, etc.) as part of their salary. So if a benefit is taken away for a reduced cost benefit, the executive (e.g. company) shall have to give EACH employee 200% of that benefit cost (albeit in another way—e.g. vacation time, paid time off, perks, etc.).

Executives shall NOT get any other benefits NOT offered to employees other than an increased salary. How is it fair for a beginning executive to have 6 weeks vacation when a 20-year employee only gets less (four, five?). Executives who MUST drive for the company (meaning ONLY sales staff that actually SEES outside clients) shall have a car allowance (one which pays for the car and its upkeep). But if this car is EVER used for personal business—this benefit shall be taken away.

Check out ANOTHER NasTees Novelty T-Shirt!

2006-08-30T06:44:00.000-05:00

Again, I find the t-shirts on this site to be SOOOO funny. I EVEN bought a "Single" one. Check this Pluto one out.

Click on the link BELOW to visit the site with REALLY, REALLY funny T-shirts. The brand is NasTees....what a concept! My nasty t-shirt will arrive any day!

Write down their web address: http://www.cafepress.com/acon. Check the site often as it looks like they're going to have some hilarious stuff!

How funny!!

EXECUTIVE RULEs 3 & 4 & 5

2006-08-29T21:05:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in Executive Rule 1 & 2 there are MANY more rules that executives SHOULD have to adhere to. I’m NOT talking about rules against drug use or illegal activities. What I’m talking about are the guidelines, we as middle managers and peons expect from our leaders!

Anyone who makes $100,000 or more will henceforth be considered an executive. These employees should follow the following rules or lose their title, money and ultimately their privileged lives (NO I’m NOT advocating murder!).The following rules are for MALE executives:

If a male executive wants to date an underling (and/or marry her) he will NOT treat this woman differently (for better or worse!) than any of the other people at work. If he buys this date a full-length mink for those cold frosty mornings when she must walk two feet from HIS Mercedes to the front door, the EXECUTIVE will HAVE to buy EVERY female employee a mink coat as well. THIS will cut down on women at work marrying for the money—because if they are a gold-digger—after a couple of mink coats (and EVERY WOMAN at work getting one) the rich executive would be broke and bankrupt ! This would ALSO alleviate any potential EXECUTIVE ENVY (similar to PENIS ENVY, but based on a bigger paycheck/benefits, e.g. mink coats!) at work.

Executives who constantly divorce older wives for younger women, should think twice, because every time an executive is remarried—he will have to invite the entire company to the wedding. Including sending every one of them airfare. Even the people in Juno, Alaska. This would reduce the amount of marriages executives have (forcing many of them to stay married—which looks morally good on paper for the company). And fornication outside of marriage would be punished at a rate of one year’s salary for every act of oral satisfaction. Be it kissing or other more sophisticated forms of oral enjoyment. Other orifices will cost two years salary (this money will come out of the executive’s 401K savings!). As would the cost of the detective that took these photos. Thus if an executive does this, he will have to pay all this money, plus the IRS penalties (if he cannot repay this money back into the IRS account before the end of the year)!

Every executive will sign a release form stating that he will adhere to the terms of these rules. If legal action is EVER brought against the corporation for any reason, this executives will become the mailroom’s bitch (meaning they have to make EVERYONE in the mailroom coffee, take orders from them, and wipe their assess).