freeminder

Mr. Borneo 2020 (Bodybuilding competition)...my experience

2021-01-18T00:42:00.002-08:00

A Message Poem (Poem #2 from my fave young poet)

2021-01-12T00:34:00.004-08:00

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Care for nice, sweet attention?

I am sure you want too.

Dandelions are white

Sunflowers are yellow

just wrote this letter

to give you a 'Hello'!

Skies are blue

The grass is green as a frog

Say, my dear,

How about a little talk on a log?

The river flows

Just like your hair

Our eyes are met

As I choke the air.

You're pretty, did I said that?

Ah yes, plenty of times

Hope you don't mind me

As I make love rhymes

Can we just be honest?

Just for a moment?

Your eyes are shining

Just like a Christmas ornament!

Sorry, dear, sorry

Forgive me as I say

Wish this could go on forever

But it must be over to this day.

Darling, oh, darling

I'll say a goodbye

Be safe, deary dear,

As I'll see you on the other side.

Blatant

2020-06-02T20:50:00.001-07:00

It is as serious as that. Kind of thrown in your face blatant. I am talking about my responsibility, the one I bestowed upon years ago but I blatantly ignored with all my might.

I am trying my best to zigzag my way out, trying to avoid the blatant truth, that I am a complete failure at defending and caring for what I am supposed to protect and care.

It was easy then, when feedback is not something that I was afraid to face, because of easy vocabulary available but now, it is a completely different story. Cruel truth being thrown at me in beautifully composed phrases and paras. Who would have thought it is easier to swallow sands and pebbles than palming and digesting this liquid hurtful truth?

Don't mind me talking nonsense, I am trying to be at the most sensible while keeping things subtle enough for me to let it out, but just a shy away from you understanding it. I am juggling many relationships and responsibility in my only two hands, when the actual size that I need to carry is gigantic, humongous that if I were to lay my whole life flat on the ground, it wouldn't be able to contain it. It is not the case of biting more than I could chew, it was like swallowing the whole view and beyond and expect it to fit into my much less than a handful worth mouth, whatever it is.

I am desperate to leave a legacy noble enough for one to have a wishful thinking of, and have that warmth creeping into her heart. If I can do that, I will die a happy and fulfilled person. However, I am not inching closer, I am stepping backwards, even farther than before my birth.

I am defending every single right and privilege and yet at the same time, I keeping that toxic bond that prevents me from achieving just that. In between, I am wasting my energy, draining my emotions and physically exerted to the very last drop of my self worth in fights that see no ends, just yet.

My only refuge is Him. This one legacy I would like to first and foremost be passed down to my generations, down the line. Without this hope, all I can see is darkness, and the old saying of finding the light at the end of the tunnel, when no one knows if you have what it takes to crawl in, through and out of. Lord, take me, lead me...this is all that matters to me now. This helplessness numbs me from living, and that, Lord, is premature even to me.

A broken family

2020-06-02T20:04:00.000-07:00

This is a poem from my newfound favourite young poet.

Who am I to you?
Who are they to us?
This kind of family,
Is a game of lie and trust.

Silly, as I might say,
Perfect can form into a happy family,
But one small deal happens,
It will soon turn into a tragedy.

No, we aren't truthful,
We aren't generous,
If you think we are those two,
I must say I find you humorous.

How I wish I could laugh,
At your silly little joke,
"How perfect your family are?"
Well you don't know anything, you damn bloke.

If there's one thing we have that's perfect,
It was death,
The mere thought of it was exciting,
That we wanted to draw our last breath.

Listen to yourself....

2020-01-20T21:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, I take day off anytime I feel I need it, with little regard to what's happening around me. Since the day I decided to put my wellness as my top priority, I started to take less heed of others' perception and expectations, towards me. I need to be fit, healthy and strong for the people I am taking care of, therefore negative vibes are not welcomed in my life.

Reading too many posts, status updates on people whining and on the brink of depression. Can I not be part of that? Yes, it seems like I am leading a dual life. During the day I am an auditor, a chartered accountant whose image and independence are carefully tread on. After work, I am a fitness coach, bodybuilding to be specific. This is my passion. Granted, I am tired, but passion fueled my body and I manage to find my way through and around irons and bars in our humble gym. I have a personal chant I said in my mind over and over again, that accounting and finance is a passion for my mind, while fitness and bodybuilding is the passion for my body and heart. In terms of works, yes I may not be perfect, there are lots of things I still have to learn, but I am willing to learn. Lately, I am trying my best not to put off works, finishing them the soonest I can, even if it means I have to burn the midnight oil, again and again.

As a human, I do have my limit. My patience is not to be tested beyond its max capacity. I stepped into the new year (this year) with a vow that I will try my best in everything that I do, in my spiritual life, in my professional work, in my family and in my passion. The vow includes keeping my promises, every single one. If it happens that I would not be able to fulfill my promise, I make it a habit to let the other party know.

Since towards the end of last week I was bombarded with work, unnecessary and redundant even,and it was carried forward to Monday. Finally last night, I had enough. Yes, I had chores to do today, but I am seizing the opportunity to have a real rest day today. I listen to my body and mind enough that I know when to push, and when to stop and rest. Today is my day.

I am having a real ME day. Not a me day spending with friends. It's me and myself. I am a pro in ME Day department. I love being alone. Never feel lonely when I am alone. Treating myself to any place, view, food, music, entertainment, relaxation in my own way, my own preference. It is a luxury for me these days, as being involved in fitness industry and business, I had to step out of my comfort zone, as a born introvert, into the limelight and trying my best to get noticed, so that I can bring people attention to our gym. It is a hard work for me, the way that an extrovert will never understand. Being the center of attention is not my cup of tea, I dreaded crowd and parties (or any resemblance to both). Hence the reason why I only have less than a handful close friends I can comfortably hang out with. Well, actually....when it comes to really, really close friend, I am 'monogamous'. Trust is a priceless commodity for me. I don't share it with many people, and those who lost it once, lost it forever.

So, back to ME day....I am signing off for now. Ciao....

Snappy me 2019

2019-12-30T00:18:00.001-08:00

The good news is, I am less ill-tempered than I used to be. Not exactly cured, entering the 40th years of my life did change me. Physically, I am stronger than ever. Emotionally, I am more fragile, but less of those lioness' traits. I still get easily mad, I became more snappy than ever, much to everyone's annoyance, but I am no longer quick with my hands. The anger that used to conquer me now is losing its grip. Granted, there are many times I am very much tempted to give in to my anger, but wisdom got the best of me and helped me out.

Bad news, however, much to my dislike, I am prone to negative thinking. Snappy, making assumption (almost always negative ones) upon first couple of words uttered to me. I read messages and body language in the wrong way. Always thinking that all others care about is about to push me aside and pin me down at their feet. I don't know why, increased vulnerability probably one of the reasons.

Inching closer towards the end of this year, onto another decade in my most tiring year-end holiday so far. I feel drained physically, emotionally and spiritually. People keep asking me to take a rest, which I would really love to, but cannot afford to. Explaining this to others is just a vain effort, might as well just keep it to myself and allowing myself moments to break down in silence and in the dark, just to get up and fight again.

People have high expectation of me, which I myself led them to believe that I am capable of fulfilling. I utilized social media platform more actively this year, both for business and personal. Naturally an introvert, this is taking toll on me, hence the tiredness I feel right now. When I said I cannot do something people asked me, most of the times I would get the same answer, "Of course you can do it, you are strong. / You are good at this, I know you can do it. / etcetera...etcetera..etcetera.."

Yes, for business sake, I have to rise above the wave to get noticed. I did things out of my comfort zones, showcasing our humble business, featuring and gambling my physique as a tool to sell our business. I am in my most comfortable skin now, not having to be someone just to get others approval. But to be known, to get attention, that's beyond my preferred zone. People expect me to be good at socializing, but no, I am not. I am the kind of person who prefer to stay in bed, reading good books, a satisfying snooze and soothing music. I am not into meeting people, be in the crowd. I may be friendly and talkative over chatting platforms, but don't ever ask me out for a meal. I don't do that. I am not comfortable doing that. I prefer my own company. No, don't blame yourself, it is just me. Especially if you are a man, that's a taboo for me. I am not comfortable at all. Girlfriends? Honestly, I am not that comfortable either. It's just that sometimes, I had to fight the feelings and just go out. Otherwise, let me be with myself, treating me for a good, relaxing meal. We can have endless talk later, not over meal or a date. I only do so with selected few, those that I am comfortable to go out with, which you can count with your fingers on a single hand.

Okay, this is a perfect example of me venting my concerns, disappointment and discomfort. Feels a bit lighter now, thanks to blogger.com. See ya.

Misunderstood

2019-09-22T20:32:00.003-07:00

"Real growth is when you start checking and correcting yourself, instead of blaming others. You take your power back by being responsible for your life"

This was supposed to be a motivational, life changing statement for me, not to demotivate or criticize others. I posted this on my wall, a personal shout out, a public declaration, one that made to oblige me to follow through this vow until it is realized.

But then again, I forgot that every one take a statement like this at their own personal face value, the one thing decided by their own personal experience. What could boost my motivation could be damaging or degrading to others. For this fact, I apologize to those I hurt, indirectly and unintentionally.

Passing the 40 mark this month seems like a catalyst for me, bringing me to the next level of freedom of mind, will to live my life the way that I want and my perspective on life on how it treats me, and how I should react to it.

The past years had been great, although challenging beyond comprehension, I still am standing strong today, stronger than ever. I was weak and beaten, but that because I let life happen to me. Now, I decided to make life happen. I don't know what I mean by this, the only thing I know is that I want to take charge of what is happening in my life, instead of just sitting there and let the waves bring me to wherever they want. Yes, life can be rough sometime, unfair far more often than otherwise, but in the end, it is how you handle it that determine your happiness. You might have been unfairly treated, but dear self, stand up and stand firm. Defend your ground. They can do whatever they want, but remember, you can do whatever you want too, with your life, the one that you have absolute control. If I keep on blaming others (as what I have been doing all these years), I find it difficult to look at life with much brighter sight, hence my happiness always kept at bay, away from my reach. Near but so far away. Can see but cannot touch. Can you imagine the pain?

It rooted to this one idea: You can't change others, but you can definitely change you. I can't change others to suit my needs, but I can change my need of others. Tougher still, I can even choose to stop needing others altogether. It is my choice. Not others. My life, I am in charge, not others. Having seen that, starting doing that, I can literally feel the power flowing back into my life.

A talk with an ex-classmate about life and family reinforced this to my mind. We were similar in the sense that we suffered during those years we let others take charge of our lives. We let others to dictate what we should and should not do. In other words, we let life happened to us, and we suffered. I have come to the age that taking charge is crucial. Never mind the unfairness around us, or misconception, misunderstanding, mis.. everything of others towards us, I won't be shaken off my ground. I charge when I want, I defend when I feel the need, I apologize when I am wrong, or when I see apologizing is better than fighting, I care, I love, I do everything in my own terms, not others.

Above all, I want to surrender everything to Him. In the end, He is the one reason that I exist until today, no matter how weak or strong I feel, how beaten or glorified I might be, He is the one reason that never changed, at the beginning and the end.

I hope this clears the air, even though this needs no explanation at all, no obligation to write this, but I write this anyway, because I want to. Just so you know, and be inspired.

My 2018 Recap

2018-12-29T21:11:00.002-08:00

It's 30th December 2018, the second final day of 2018. Since I don't think I will have time to write tomorrow, which I habitually do every end of the year, let's just do it now, while I still have the time and a little bit of idea what to write. Spoiler alert, there may be a bit of rerun, restatement of what I had written last year, but that's just a matter of emphasizing my point.

2018 is my year of coming out of my shell. I was a very reserved, meticulous and a bit of introvert. I couldn't stand to be in crowd, and that still valid until now. Nevertheless, despite that, there has been an almost 180 degrees of change in me, my attitude, my appearance and my self-confidence. Well, of course, my life since mid 2015 is all about fitness, my newly unveiled passion which now at the fiery, hot blazing stage. Every end of the year since 2015 (going into 2016) I set a fitness resolution.

2015 - A fit body with body weight to be around 45 kg.

2016 - Adding more muscle and definition, while maintaining the fit look. Allowing additional 3 - 5 kg addition.

2017 - More volume and strength. Protein intake to be allowed to supplement my growing need. Another 5 kg of lean muscle increase was allowable.

2018 - More volume then defining, preparing to take up my personal challenge to beat my own fear and crack my covering shell, to compete and pose on the stage. A bit of very low dose hormonal help is allowed.

Up until now, I am glad to share with you that every single fitness resolution I had set, was successfully achieved. Thank God for allowing me to grow despite so many negative views and barriers, I know what I want and I want it so bad. To tell you the truth, fulfilling those resolutions was not that easy, it was very hard, indeed. It takes a heart of steel and an equally strong determination to keep my eyes on the prize. My climax this year happened just a couple of weeks ago, where I competed in Mr. Borneo Women Physique. I didn't even qualify into the final, but in my heart, I am already a winner. I know where I was at, and for my less than 3 weeks prep, the body that I finally presented on stage was more than satisfying. It was quite an experience, the most important thing was I finally able to see the strength I was capable of showing. The dieting phase was the most horrible and the hardest for me, but I managed to get through it, successfully. After this, I know there is nothing I can't do, if I put my whole heart and effort into it. All this, however, was nothing without God allowing me the opportunity to compete. Usually, BB competition held on Saturday, or Friday Eve, which is my curfew. It was why I didn't take my preparation seriously, not minding my diet at all because the original date fell on Friday Eve. At the last minute, the competition was postponed to a later date, 16th December and I finally had no excuse not to try this time. So in less than 3 weeks I started and went through my prep, and the rest is history.

In my professional job, despite going through a bad phase in 2017, where our KPI was not achieved, 2018 was our team's complete turnaround. We managed to produce almost double the KPI with the team strength only 3, the smallest team in our department. I owe this to my dedicated team members. We had so many other works and despite that, I kept on pushing them and of course, as normal people do, sometimes they asked me to ease our work a little as it is tiring them to be on the race nonstop, but they did it anyway. That's a blessing I am forever grateful for. Of course, my advancement in my career halted a bit when I was offered a promotion to the next higher grade, but with the condition I couldn't bring myself to fulfill, moving to other state. I have to turn it down for the moment. I guess it was not my time yet.

At home, is a total different story. It was a mixed achievement. But if you have to ask me, I'd say I feel I failed my duty as a mom. I really do. I failed to be there for my kid, failed to comfort her when she needs me the most, failed to protect her, failed to prioritize her...simply put, I am not a good mom. This is my turn off, biggest one, in 2018. How will I make up for this, I have no idea yet. But I am determined to not letting this happen again in 2019. God bestowed her upon me to take care of, she is my responsibility, I will fulfill it to the fullest. God will help me to achieve this. This is my ultimate purpose so this will be my priority.

Other things, I can only pray that I will be the best version of me for them. I can't make everyone happy, but as much as I can, with whatever I have, I will try my best to make this world, how little it is, a better one.

So, Happy New Year, everyone. I pray you'll be showered with love, hope and joy. God bless

What a teenage can teach you

2018-12-04T22:36:00.001-08:00

This happened quite recently. I was in the car with my daughter, on our way to her school, one final time, to collect her UPSR result. Honestly, as most moms would, I felt more nervous than her. I was not expecting a great result, but one thing I prayed was for her to get the best result that would best define her effort, which I could see towards the final month before the exam.

To ease the pressure, I made a small talk with her. The conversation went like this:

Me: How do you feel? Are you nervous?

Nicole: Not really. I just hope that I won't get 2 E.

Me: Haha...I know, it must be for your Math and Science. Don't worry, you have tried your best. Whatever your result will be I am sure it is the best for you. I am still proud of you no matter what. But, I still am expecting A for your English.

Nicole: I think I get A for English.

Me: How can you be so sure? Was the question easy for you? Did you check your grammars?

Nicole: I just know. And yes, I did check my grammar.

Me: Do you think Fanella will score the highest in UPSR? Isn't she the smartest one in your school?

Nicole: I think so. She is very smart.

Me: Are you and her close friends?

Nicole: Not that close.

Me: She looks like a nerd. Don't you think so?

Nicole: No. Why do you say she's a nerd?

Me: Because it seems like she doesn't mix around and doesn't have that many friends.

Nicole: She has friends. I don't think she's a nerd. Why do you think that?

Me: Because well...she LOOKS like a nerd. (I mean, because the way she carried herself around, dressing and specs...but I didn't say this out loud).

Nicole: You can't judge a person just by looking at her appearance. Do not judge a book by its cover.....

Then I stopped her before she went on and on and on about being judgmental towards others. I told her that finally I understood why her teacher chose her to be one of the peers counselors. And that was a valuable lesson to always keep in mind. Should that advice came from an adult, the impact wouldn't be as much. Coming from a younger person, well that hit right in the chest. BTW, her result was way beyond my expectation. God blessed us with the gift which I am sure, is just one of the earliest ones, I know more and more blessings will come in the future. Thank God for this, and for everything we have been given up until today.

And the wheel keeps on turning..

2018-10-27T05:34:00.003-07:00

Many hope and think their lives move in one straight line, that is, forward. However, please do not forget that life is a wheel, while we focus the up and down movement, we tend to forget the other kind of movement, that is, the 'what goes around comes around' thingy, the surety that something in the past could repeat itself in the future.

This happened to me very recently. The change of status made it possible again. There were many factors, the major one being the one that "I can't mention", the very essence of a marriage. Hence, being in my position, surrounded by very few people that matters the most in my life, I prefer this totally, over the previous one. It left a sizable mark that I doubt will ever go away. I have decided and resorted to a life long decision, that this is the life that I want to live in for the rest of my life.

This decision, however, doesn't sit well with my parents. Despite seeing me feeling content with my current life, somehow they found a way to push me to the previous life I now hate so much. Their argument? Not all men are the same. This doesn't mean a thing to me. Why? I know my reason, but I just couldn't tell them to their face, it would break their hearts, but I couldn't see any other way. Yes, my current passion is one of the things that they tried so hard to steer me away from in my early life, but I know this is the passion I was born with, surfacing only now when I finally dare to get out of my shell and really know myself for who I really am, and cherishing it as it is.

I understand what they are trying to tell me, but please understand, I am incapable of living in such relationship status anymore. I couldn't and I wouldn't risk my life to try again. I finally know who I am and I am willing to accept it, flaws and all. At least I won't harm other people in living my decision.

Point is, I once faced this relentless questioning before, now I need to go through the same phase again. *sigh. Coming from other people, I could easily break off their attempt to make my life miserable again, but my own parents, now that is a huge problem. For now I could only try my best to change the subject every time they bring it up. Until when, I don't know. Let's just sit and see.

Wish me luck.

No man is an island

2018-08-16T18:58:00.001-07:00

Yes, I insist you agree with me. I am in no mood to argue, as I am as rotten as decomposing corpse inside.

Today the world is full with narcissists who think the world revolves around them, and them only. I can only pray that their eyes are opened to see that lo, there are millions and billions of people around them, more than half whose lives are much worse than they are.

Some may think they are climbing up the ladder in their life, success came tailing them wherever they go, and to top the ego of, they did it on their own, without anyone's help. That is what in their mind. This thought is poisoning so many so-called successful people that they think they have an exclusive right to step on other people, trumpeting to the world that "I did it my way". Little did they know, the moment the key persons around them move their feet an inch away from them they will fall down and face the reality with dirt smudged on their face. Well, I am expecting a hate curse to come my way because of this statement, especially from those so-called self-made successful persons in this world except, of course, the few genuine ones.

This world is full of egoistic people. Some projected it so clearly that you can say right away in their face that they are (egoistic), some are hiding behind their 'humble' personality, looked harmless on the outside, but actually more lethal and potent than the former. If you happen to be the few lucky ones that able to live this long without those kind of people in your life, then I would like to congratulate you. Be careful to avoid getting involved with those kind of persons.

I do not know what to say. I just feel like I would like to just prepare an account, just to prove where they actually are in this so-called successful world they claimed as theirs.

Actually, I just feel like I need a good punching bag right now. I am on the verge of breaking down, or more likely, of exploding. I do not know how much more I can hold on.

Why am I not happy?

2018-08-10T01:27:00.001-07:00

I am not happy, yes, but it is not because of what others done to me. A little insight into my recent life, I found the increasing demand and pressure I put on myself lately. The standard I set for myself is getting higher every day. Of course it is not a bad thing, it is a must-do to motivate myself to perform better. When setting a standard, one cannot avoid putting something or someone as a benchmark. This is where everything gone wrong.

I put others as my benchmark, their achievement, success, look...everything. Once in a while I can reach them or even surpass them, but as you achieve more, the more insatiable you become. Then you hit the wall. Those who once behind you now are catching up, and some even leave you behind. That makes you try harder, but sometimes hard work does not translate into result, which stresses you even more. I am making this mistake, at this moment, as I am typing this. It is time to put a stop to this and reset. Reset to where things were at their right places, where efforts put in the right ways, in just the right amount, the right time.

I used to be a lot happier. I was as competitive as I am now. The only difference was I competed against myself, rather than against other people. Watching a motivational video on how different people grow and move at their own time and pace, opened my eyes to my struggle. I realize if I do not do anything about this, I will not be able to recover at all.

I am the only one in this universe that walk, talk and grow this way, this pace. My achievement in life should be compared to those I had in my past. My happiness in life, my family, should be compared to that I had years ago. I should be happier if that is how I measure my happiness. My finance too. My fitness goal, I have achieved so much, weighing 55kg now compared to just 44kg when I first started. 10 kg is a lot, in my fitness world. I should be happier, and more satisfied. I won't stop, I just need to beat my yesterday self, every single day. Tomorrow I will beat my today, and that will go on and on, until my last breath.

So world, stop comparing me with others, I won't give a hoot. The only person I want to beat is me. The only thing that won't be in the comparing ring my spiritual life. Up and closer to Him is my one and only goal. Other than that, let's get up and beat the older, past me.

????????????

2018-06-18T19:46:00.001-07:00

Yes, I am supposed to be that one friend who will listen to her friend. Can't you see how much I love to be that person, be able to fulfill that responsibility every time I am needed? Not everyone can see that, I know, but the truth is, I do.

I know I always whine about the loads of works I am bearing, and right now, it is reaching my limit. I have impending dues, the climax of almost 3 years of work and yet I couldn't think at all. My brain is blank, despite an overdue (of many) task. My own annual personal work, all three of them actually ready to be finalized, just a few tweaks and posts here and there and viola, the final accounts will 'appear'. Yet, they are hanging just like that with the closing date is just 10 days away. I have my duty as a mentor, and also assisting colleague and friend in their studies. In normal circumstances, this won't cause me breaking a sweat, but right now, it is causing migraines and headaches. Don't let me start with business with its financial and staffing problems. I almost exploded when I received complaints from customers. I hate backstabbers and this one case might just be qualified as one of them. My car is starting to cry for attention, and I know I need to take my 2-days unrecorded leave to attend to its need. Family and homes crave for the same, and yet where am I going to find time and strength to cover all that?

I am losing my ability to listen. My ears are still attached to my head, my hearing is as good as ever and yet I couldn't process almost anything that is worth listening to and pondering about. My emotions wrecked and literally run-down. I become more sensitive to small things. It elevated the impact unnecessarily and caused me making bad decisions and drastic measures, which actually aren't supposed to be taken at the first place.

I want to pour all these concerns out to anyone willing to listen, but I am afraid of becoming redundant. These things that weigh tonnes to me might seems far lighter in others eyes. I am afraid of the response that I might get, that I seems to exaggerate things when in actual fact is that I am on the brink of saying 'It's enough, I couldn't take it anymore'. I may appear strong, even hardheaded and cold-hearted egoistic maniac, but I am slowly crumbling down on the inside. Those laughter and silly words are my shield and mask, but do tell me, until when? Above all that, is the fact that I fully realized that others too, have their own problems and concerns, and that I shouldn't shove mine into their face, no matter how much they care for me.

I have only Him to run into. His arms are always opened for me. Sometimes in the midst of my run towards Him, I am afraid I wouldn't be able to make it into His arms, and that I might fall somewhere without ever reaching to Him. My only hope is that He will meet me halfway, and stop me from falling deeper and fades away from this world.

I pray that I will be understood. Not that I choose to be deaf, but it's the noise of personal problems and concerns muted sound from outside of my head, that I wouldn't be able to function normally, as much as I'd love to. I am in the phase of overreacting to even the smallest poke, please allow me time to calm down and settle down. That is all I am asking. World, please be kind to me. Lord, You are my everything, everything I do is for Your glory. Help me.

Just a little please..........

2018-05-13T10:15:00.001-07:00

Just a little respect would be nice. This thought continued to haunt my mind the whole night that it robbed me my sleep and much needed rest. Yesterday was Mother's Day, and for the first time in a few years, I became the most ignorant person I've ever been in my last decade. Not that the day itself was a glory above everything else, it was just that I had let my mom wish me Happy Mother's Day first, and adding to the wound I surely caused my mom was, my indifferent reply to her. I was too busy attending to my own life that I forgot the one person that made my existence possible.

I needed to redeem my mistakes. My brother's suggestion to have a Mother's Day dinner at nearby steamboat outlet was seen as a great way to do it. As much as I really wanted to make up for the lost training sessions during the weekend, I decided to give way to the one thing that possessed higher priority, have my rest. That lethargic body, regretful mind and guilty heart, added to the indifferent response I got when confirming the dinner booking, led to quite a heated night.

I might not be the most punctual person on earth, but when it came to family on occasion such as last night, and considering they made the effort to come all the way to a place nearer to us considering our need to retire early that night, the room for tolerance was much less than the usual thin ones. The last minute withdrawal, delivered with such a 'jolly and easy' way that was so wrong in terms of time and occasion, caused an explosion almost greater than the nukes during the WW II. What came out was just small sparks, but still I knew it delivered greater impact than the full explosion. Needless to say, the night went not that smoothly. I was still unable to redeem my sin, in fact, I added more to the list by departing without a word of goodbye, not even a handshake. I felt really, really bad. Actually I couldn't even describe it at all.

Despite the bad things I had done, I didn't want to close my eyes without saying sorry to those I might hurt earlier. I sent a message conveying my regret and apologize for the wrong. I know it went straight through her without any impact whatsoever, but I needed to let her know anyway. There are other things that I wanted them to know as well, that I wish they could understand, if not now, maybe someday. Here you go..."Dearest, I know who I am to all of you. Rest assured that I have never intended to replace anyone in your life. I am here for who I know God assigned me to. It's okay if you could never love me or look up to me the way you should to your parents. That's exactly the very thing that you should do. I never ask for your love, or trust. Those are the things to be won, not asked. I may sometimes act as your guardian, be it against your will, but my care isn't forced. You are, for me, my family, even though you don't share the same perspective. That's okay. However, there is one little thing I ask from you. Please have a little respect. Although you may not consider my family as yours, as much as I wanted you to, just please, a little respect would suffice. Sharing the same roof and yet I feel like I am a total stranger to you. Please, don't be. You are never obliged to attend all the family occasions, though I would really hope and love that you will. Whenever you don't feel like you want to, just please, have a little respect by telling me, politely, that you won't be there with us. I hope this is not asking too much. And I do really hope that if not now, someday, you will understand the importance of what I am asking here, to me, and all others like me."

Well, it is time to give another shot at getting my few hours of sleep. I hope I will be lucky enough this time. Good night.

Most challenging day ever...

2018-01-29T13:03:00.000-08:00

Truly am exhausted right now. I had more than enough share of bad days recently more than the previous years in my life. I don't know what I did that made me deserve this but Lord, it brought the hell out of me. Is this what they call when it hurt too badly you will feel nothing at all?

I had a presentation, an important one, the first-impression kind of presentation to our Head of Department. This presentation kept me, all of us at the office, busy and stressed. The night before the presentation, I couldn't sleep well. The day before I spent with sweating and tiring myself with all sorts of activities that would keep my mind occupied, instead of worrying about the next day event.

I washed my car (okay, I brought the car to the nearest car wash), riding bike in the process until my legs spent and tired. Then I went on polishing 2 cars, took me about 4 hours to finish. As if that wasn't tiring enough, I played a great couple of badminton games. My friend went straight home, claiming she was tired while I proceeded to the gym, with nice intention to just sit nicely and just attend the gym but no, less than an hour before closing, I hit muscle-numbing shoulder super sets workout leaving my shoulder pulsing from the satisfying pump.

I was supposed to feel tired but my brain wouldn't cooperate. I was worried I wasn't prepared enough for the presentation that I decided to just browse the documents I brought home and rehearse few things with my very sleepy friend. Midnight struck, I thought I should have some rest. Unfortunately, due to my anxiety, I woke up every hour until 5.30 am when I finally woke up and started to get ready. I thought I would wear a proper feminine wear, the traditional baju kurung but belatedly I realized, if I were to be able to talk confidently, I must be at my most comfortable state so I changed my mind and went for the black and white suit. Armed with prayers, the presentation went well, very well. Thank God for Your guidance. I wouldn't be able to perform well without You. The great day at the office didn't come without a challenge. Just before lunch my daughter's class teacher sent me message telling me Nicole wasn't feeling well and needed to be brought home. Thank God my friend was kind enough to help me.

Due to lost appetite during lunch, I went home relieved but very hungry. The stress finally get the best of me, my head ached. I had to rest for a while before the evening routine, sending kid to tuition and of course, gym. I intended to burn the stress of once and for all today by hitting heavy set of back workout. Just when I thought I would start my workout, another unfortunate event happened. Misunderstanding, and yet I was too tired to argue or give in. The only thing I was able to do was just walk away. My body and mind were too tired for things like this.

Ended up I didn't workout at all. Went home and too tired to even park at my parking space, I decided to temporarily park my car in other's parking space. I left the windows opened so that when the owner come, he would know that I was in the car and could just ask me to move my car. UNFORTUNATELY, that wasn't how the story went. The owner came, I was asleep then, maybe a honk or two, then went on ravaging my car hood, scratching like mad cat. I woke up and witnessing the vandalism happened, done to my own car, right before my very eyes. I should be angry, no...I should be very very mad but I was too mad about everything that I felt nothing at all. Instead I said sorry and drove away. When finally everything came together in my mind, I drove back, the owner's car wasn't there. I realized he must be afraid that I might scratch his car back, or report him to the police, neither would I do, although honestly I had thought about it. But my feelings and anger numbed, I don't know what to feel anymore.

The only thing on my mind was to take a day off today, bring my car for a partial painting session and maybe a precious rest would be nice. I just don't know...

There you go, challenging, I guess...whatever.

A bit of reflection and a peek into the future

2018-01-02T19:49:00.001-08:00

2017

It was a good year, supposedly. I had been given so many things, experiences and opportunities that I never thought I would have.

In life, challenges were as tough (if not tougher) as they were before, I assumed the responsibility as both mom and dad at home, meaning not only I had to be soft, emotional and empathetic, but tough, hard-headed and strong at the same time. My own daughter is getting bigger, she's officially a teenager now. That's a different phase I need to deal with, and handle with care. So are my other teenagers at home. I had to learn a totally different approach so as to engage them and keep them afoot without putting them off with too much 'parenting'.

In work, I had been demanded more than I thought I was capable of rendering. There were times I thought it was easier to give up, especially when things became difficult and I was hit, bashed and criticize more often and harder than ever before. I learnt new way of handling things, or to accept hit after hit. I am hardened and made more durable day by day. It wasn't an easy feat, I am learning even until today. Mounting responsibilities, tighter deadlines, and many more to come this year. Me and my team managed to finished 4 out of only the standard 2 projects. Unfortunately, 2 were rejected. My team ended up branded as a failure despite what I considered a remarkable achievement for a small team of 3 I had.

The good thing was, I was given the opportunity to shoulder a huge responsibility, being part of the backbone for an international project which gave me the chance to travel (be it just work travel) to Hanoi, Vietnam in November 2016 and Kuwait City, Kuwait in April 2017. It really opened my eyes to the outside world, and erased my phobia to go beyond my country's border. Those luxury came with huge responsibilities though, which will be continued right up to this moment. Only God knows how heavy it is, added with my responsibilities at home, in business, in my family and self, and above all in my relationship with my ultimate provider, my God.

The businesses that I had with my partner went quite smoothly. The gym was a good investment. With His help, I managed to add in my share to the business, little by little closing the gap of shareholding with my partner. At least I am no longer just a very, very small shareholder. It gave significant change to the way I view the business. God's interference in our gym business proved to be potent from the very beginning to the end. There were many competitions, but we survived, so far and we know, it was Him all along. We managed to improve the gym condition, a bit, and added in a few pairs of new dumbbells and plates. We are currently expecting an additional machine for the comfort of our customers.

The plastic business was not doing as well as gym. The first 5 months of operation conceded loss to us. Though it was expected, we are running out of time to rebound from the loss. We are praying and trying hard to recover from the loss. We believe God will show us the best way, decision to take as we continue to try our best to survive and rise above the water.

My personal relationship with Him suffered yo-yo trend. There were times it was strong, and times when I barely remembered Him in life. Despite that, He never left me, not even a single second. That I am sure. This year, with all the blessings he bestowed upon me, I pledged my entire year towards renewing my vow and strengthening the bond I always have with Him. This year is a year of realizing His presence in my life, and sharing the blessings with others without any strings attached.

My relationship with my friends. Well, what can I say? I had been less present and available for friends the entire year. For this, please grant me apology, I had been one bad friend. My birthday sucked, it was one of the worst day in my life. My friends needed me, but I wasn't there for them, not as much as I really wanted to. By the end of the year, the very first friendship I had was on the edge of destruction, and I don't know what to do about it. I was at lost and the only thing I could do was watch. As heart breaking as it was, I just don't know how to handle it.

My personal goal (apart from my spiritual life) was to gain mass, and I think I succeeded. Managed to get certified as Personal Trainer. The winning strike continued from 2015 until 2017, where physical and fitness goal achieved successfully. This year the goal is higher and harder, more effort to be exerted and know what, I think I am up for the challenge. God wills.

Family and friends, I will try my best to be better than I was last year. Forgive my shortcomings, please remember I am trying my best and there will be times when my best won't be good enough. Just remember that I am trying, all the time. Dear Lord, please, never leave me for I need You more and more everyday. I won't survive a day without You. I promise I will open my eyes and ears and heart, wider to see and grab every single opportunity You show me to share the good news to everyone around me.

There you go. A summary of past and present and future, all in a single entry. Till the next update, God bless us all.

Be The Real Me....

2017-07-07T00:52:00.001-07:00

Now...2017

Looks big and bulky, right? Well, welcome to the new and latest me. This is not to promote bodybuilding or even to promote me, but this entry is all about being the real you, in this case, the real me.

As you may have read countless times in my blogs, I have told you how almost my entire life spent conforming to others standards. Simply said, I was not being me. I tried my whole life to live and be someone others wanted me to be. Well, maybe that's not a bad thing since what others required of me was quite simple, be a good girl and daughter. Be the beautiful and pretty someone to others.

Then...2014

Problem is, I am not the one 'moldable' person everyone would love to love. I tried, God knows how much I tried. I spent countless hours, money and my will to be what I think the society wanted me to be, or at least be someone that they can accept. If you are wondering how it made me feel, let me tell you...it was unbearable at times, that I ever thought of quitting...life. But my faith kept me away from those hellish thoughts, and I survived the ordeal.

My younger days continued with me trying to still be acceptable to society. My close friends may not notice this, but I know for sure my mom knows, because she tried to fashion me to be as normal as I should be. I don't blame her for that, I know she did that because she loves me. However, the one thing that she might never know how suffered I feel inside being a person I am definitely not.

Up until the 32nd years of my life, I still continued to be not me. Please don't get me wrong, I am not whining for being created this way, I cherish the way God created me, actually, so special that I had no one to refer to as to how to handle this, other than asking Him directly. I am my parents' only daughter, who had trouble to really mingle with fellow girls and play their games, the one that developed Adam's apple once I reached my puberty or the one who doesn't know how to scream like a girl, or even the one with ego as high as Mount Everest, oh and not to mention, the temperament like a boiling volcano.

Awkward as it is, unpleasant on my behalf, God gave me the opportunity to be a parent to a beautiful daughter of my own. That's a real bonus for someone as undeserving as me.

Went through almost everything God allowed me to experience, from my tumultuous teen to my erratic early adulthood, I finally came to the point where I feel enough is enough. I spent almost my entire life trying to conform to others' standards, but it brought me nothing good.. instead I suffered more and more everyday. Every day is 'me against myself' day, if you know what I meant.

I started off by searching and trying to understand me. Why am I feeling this way, looking this way, and not being able to do and feel what I am supposed to feel? I found out there is a little different in me and my body. Thanks to a trusted friend whom I can safely confide in. I finally able to express how I feel and...just let it go. The one advice that I really appreciate was, just be who you are, forget what others think about you.

So I went on, changing bit by bit, to be someone whom I can confirm is my real me, the one whom skin I can feel most comfortable in. I cherish the extra androgen hormone I am blessed with, now I am strength training, trying to reach my limit. I am on protein supplementation starting 2017, just to make sure I recover fast from all those muscle tearing workouts. However, I am not going for any hormone injection whatsoever, like most female bodybuilder do. Nope, that wasn't my intention. I am just making full use of God-given body, the special one He gave me.

I am stepping out of my comfort zone more often than not, trying to reach the best potential God might have in store for me. My focus now is no more on how people will see me, or think of me, that is none of my concern. What I really want is how my existence will impact others lives, how...by being the real me, I can help others in whatever ways possible. I don't really care if people look at me and shake their head...or maybe got confused of my identity. I get that quite often these days, but who cares. I am not trying to confuse you, I am just being me, the tough girl I always am. I love being the provider, and that role fits really well with me.

In the end, all I want is, when finally it is time for me to go Home, and leave this world, I want to know that I have done my best, in this body and personality that I am blessed with, to all those around me, be it those whom I know personally or not. I know I am a blessing from God, and I pray every day that He help me to shine through the darkness of this world, leading all to Him, in my best way possible. That, my friend, I would not be able to do if I continue to be Not Me.

I will continue to be here as long as I have purpose to serve, for Him. Once it is all done, I am prepared to be called to rest, until it is time to wake up to His glory once again. Well friend, judge me, as much as you like, it won't affect me. Being the real me brought another bonus change in me... I judge others a lot lesser. I'd be lying if I said I stopped altogether, because I am still a human. I almost quit judging others, because I know how it feels to be judged.

So, yes, just be the real you. Be who you really are, and you will see and feel how great life is.

Weekend Getaway at Homestay Aki Sarapung

2017-06-20T00:40:00.001-07:00

Vesper Sharing

It was an unplanned weekend getaway for all of us, families and friends. We needed time off, away from the crowd, the city and just be closer to nature, and let the steam off of our system.

It was almost the end of mid-year school holidays. The kids hadn't had their share of the holiday, being home everyday, went out just once for a rare late night movie and a game or two at the pool table.

After going to and fro along Tambunan Road, finally we reached the homestay at almost 9pm. It was Sabbath Eve. We took time to settle down, preparing our dinner and just chilled out. When everything was ready, we began our night with vesper. We had decided to have our Sabbath service there, and we did, from the Vesper, to the morning worship, until the Sabbath service.

We had a very peaceful worship, being the only occupants there, we had all the huts for ourselves. Accompanied by small guitar, we sang songs and shared God's words.

The Congregation

Our dinner was very simple. Roasted everything, chicken wings, fish and vegetables. We couldn't control our appetite when all the delicious simple and traditional foods served at once. Finished everything quite late, at the time when we usually already drifted to sleep at home. There, the adrenaline was still pumping, and the kids just couldn't wait to have a dip in the man made pools, one was 3 feet deep, the other was 4-feet. I am not a fan of water, so I ended up being the cheerleader and a photographer, and of course the guitarist for the whole Sabbath. It was great though, to see my friends and families having fun without having glued to each others' phone.

What left of our dinner

That night was one of the night where we stayed really really late, out of bed. Usually it was time to just have our fingers active, scrolling the web, social media or whatever it is, in our bed. Here, we were just hanging out, chatting, singing...whatever it is that we felt like doing.

Bedtime was quite hard for me...literally. The homestay had only 6 beds, double deckers. There were 10 of us. So, 4 of us had to share 2 beds, while me and my friend Betty had to settle for harder bed, Me on the bench, while her on the floor...the balcony floor. At least she had a mat to sleep on. I couldn't sleep in that position, so I settle for only a blanket to help me a couple hours of sleep.

Girls are having late nite fun...why not?

We started our morning worship early to avoid interruptions and distractions. Had our morning worship and a bit of foot massage to let those blood flows nicely afterwards. Then the morning beginning to be quite busy. Visitors started to flow in. We were confined to only the house since all huts were occupied aka rented. After a light breakfast we headed to the pool for final splashing session. I went in, just to be a good sport. It wasn't that bad, but it could be a lot better if only I know how to swim.

Our lunch was mighty, I may say. Everyone was full to the brim. It was quite amazing too,

Okay, those feet were aching....ouch...

since one of friend who had stomach problems for months, ate a lot, a lot more than she had in months. She said the weekend was so relaxing that she felt so good, it increased her appetite. Well, good for her...and thank God above, we know He was behind all these good things.

We checked out at around 2pm, after Sabbath sharing and prayer, feeling satisfied, relaxed and sleepy too...ready to hit the sack once we were home.

All in all, it was a great weekend. Thank you friend for coming up with this great idea.

View from the house, towards the pool

Will definitely come back here someday, in the future, when the whole area is completed.

Enjoy the rest of the picture.

This was my bed...

In case you are wondering...it worth it.

Final pose before going home

Another one

The homestay..

Recognize them..

2016-12-20T04:11:00.000-08:00

22nd November 2016. It was not a very historic day in itself. I was away due to work demand, in Hanoi, Vietnam. Just a week before my flight to Vietnam, I received a letter from Nicole's school informing me that Nicole was one of the award recipients for the coming school's event. Frankly speaking, it was not such a big award, unlike many others I know who clinched the Best Student in their school. Nicole's was just a small award. However, since the first day she went to school, she has never received such letter. Yes, the achievement that she was going to be awarded in her latest school was nothing new, she achieved that almost every exam, but never did she was recognized.

When she showed me the letter, I told her, very much to my regret, I would not be able to attend the ceremony, for I would be away. She tried to sound very light about it, telling me not to worry, because she could just be there herself. But not before asking me, "Can auntie make it? Replace you to the ceremony?" Well, it was not possible, because on the very same day, she had to attend the same ceremony for her son, who graduated from his primary school, flying colors. I told her, "She would love to, but unfortunately she couldn't." The same questions for the other two sisters at home, the same answer she got. Finally she gave in, and just smile, "It's okay mom, I can go by myself."

Then, along the ride home, she asked me, "Are you proud of me, mom?" Well, of course, what do you expect? I am her mom, how else would I feel? Then she said wishfully, "It feels good to receive an award. I have never been awarded before, not in my kindergarten, nor in my Chinese primary school. I feel so happy."

That was it. I was touched. Yes, the award was small, but for her it was big. She craved for that recognition, it was a motivation for her. And to have someone to witness it was very important to her. I knew that, I realized that. I felt so sad I couldn't do anything about it.

Yes, it was okay, there were other students whom their parents couldn't come to witness. If you could only read between the line and understand how it feels and what I mean, then you will understand how important it was for her and her spirit to have someone to be there for her. After asking my siblings, I thank God that finally my sister in law's niece saved the day. She was kind enough to take all the troubles to come and accompany Nicole on that day. God bless her kind heart.

Gadie (nickname) went and be her guardian angel that day. She was such an angel, helping a girl's heart from crushing, that she would not feel neglected.

Point is, it was not about the award, how big or small it was, it was all about how you recognize it, the effort they put into it. Different child perform differently, be fair, recognize each and every one achievement they got, show them love, give them support. I understand all the people I asked would love to come, but circumstances was not in their favor.

On the very same day, my friend's son, whom I said was graduating primary school in flying colors, I feel very proud of him. He is the son that I never had. His effort paid off. Above all, God helped them all, Nicole, Vaxter, Kyra...and I pray, Vall too. All of them are under our roof, we pray that they all perform accordingly, and grow stronger in Him.

I thank God for every single blessing He gave us. May He continue to guide and guard us. Amen.

Things I do with my friends

2016-08-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

I have very few close friends, many good friends and more friends. They keep me company and I almost never feel alone. Sometimes, as half introvert (more than 50%) who prefers to stay at home and be alone, I was forced to move out of my personal space and into the crowd, a place which I still find quite intimidating. Last raya, me and my biz partner went to Tamparuli to buy some chilli seedlings and also a couple sacks of sand for our home repairing project. As luck had it, our futsal friends invited us to join their Raya quest at their colleague's house at Tuaran. I am not a fan of house visit but I guess no harm in joining one this year. At least I would be able to taste Raya delicacies after so many years missing it.

Then...on 11th July 2016, another first time in many years, I went to friendly football match between our women national team and Singapore at Likas Stadium. There were one or two players I could recognize. I went there with 3 friends, 2 were former national players themselves, who knew almost half of the players on the field. It was a nice experience, but a bit disappointing maybe because we expected a greater show than what we saw. It was less aggressive, the players showed lack of stamina, well, it sort of fell short of what I expected a national team should be. But then again, I wouldn't know because it wasn't me in that team. It was interesting to watch together with former national players as I could get first hand comments from those who were once there. Interesting experience. The final score was 2-0, a victory for Malaysia.

My sporting routine continues even though I do not update it here often. Badminton with friends is a must for me. My 5 years old wrist injury haunted me again but that won't stop me from playing badminton almost every other day. That and my gym session are my daily routine. I used to have great rackets, one of which I loved so very much, a gift from my close friend. In just a few months I broke two of the best rackets I had, leaving me with the heavier one. Now, I had to constantly borrow my friend's racket, hoping against hope that someday I would be able to buy those elusive, very light (only 68g) flypower racket I fell in love with. I am currently building my strength at the gym, a little over a year and it shows satisfactory result, thank God. Now upping the game by merging the workout to serve my two goals, to have a very toned and strong body, and to play a lot better badminton.

We will have our annual SDA Sabah sports carnival at Kota Marudu in October this year. However, I don't think I would opt to play both futsal and badminton, that is, if I get selected again. Futsal training is so rare this year that I wonder if the spirit to defend the title is still there. We are focusing on badminton, but there are better, younger players out there too. May the best one wins.

Work Visit

2016-08-17T01:04:00.000-07:00

Just a glimpse into our another visit, during our another audit. It was just a simple visit to another chicken processing plant in Lok Kawi, which was just the opposite of the other same plant situated just a stone's throw away from there. Smaller scale, more relaxed visit in the end seemed more like an outing, relaxing outing for us. Well, we deserved it after months spending our time confined in a small conference room. Less procedures, less complicated visit, this was how we were during our visit. Impromptu discussion at the side of the road, a few selfies while waiting for the others to arrive.

This time I relinquished (more or less) the photographer role to other team member while I did my own roaming, observation and checking.

Audit is a fun job for those who love adventures and challenges, also for those who can cope with others' uneasiness in their presence. We carry on our face a kind of trademark that we are there to find your faults. It's only partly true, depends on your way of seeing it. For us, we are more like doctors, finding what went wrong to be able to recommend correcting measures to be taken. But a perspective is always a person's prerogative, right? Anyhow, I personally love my work. Just a wee bit lesser than I love my sport. *Grin..

Building and repairing project

2016-08-11T00:36:00.002-07:00

Digging hole for toilet

Lately, I have been forced to stay out of my comfort zone. It wasn't that I was literally forced, what I meant to say is that the situation forced us to think outside the box, to get out of our routine and do the extraordinary, for most people, at least.

My friend bought a temporary land with an ill-fated house on it. It was meant to be a short term investment, but in order to make it work just like an investment should, we needed to do extra restoring work. The house badly needed repairs, basic utilities to be built or added in, those physical works that usually men supposed to do. Some of the more technical works were outsource to others, but most of the time, it was us who had to do all the works. Well, honestly, I assist more than actually do the work due to my limited knowledge in this area. All the training in gym definitely used to the fullest here. I catered the physical works, sometimes it made me want to quit, but I did not.

Drenched in sweat, almost passed out

Finally, after almost a month our weekend spent wholly on this project, it was finished and the tenants moved in more than a week ago. It wasn't neat, our workmanship was not perfect, but it was doable. I think one can stay quite comfortably, with the very very affordable rent she charged. Thank God for His help, the project was a success, in our own interpretation.

And it is ready for the next stage

Mixing cement and sand. Did it twice. Great back workout

THe Cats Story

2016-08-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

And here I am again after almost a year disappearing. Let's start with much lighter topic, shall we? A new adoption, kitty cat named Mutin, just a twist from our existing cat Mitun. Female, stripey grey, cute with huge eyes and very naughty and active kitty, we welcomed her in March this year. Original intention was to be Mitun's partner, but then, we changed our mind, she'll be forever 'just playing partner' for Mitun, not more than that.

She added smiles and warmth to our hearts with her naughty demeanor and soft furs and body. Caressing her brings such a soothing effect for me. I don't think her joining our family did Mitun harm, for now he has a friend of his own to play those kitty games without having us sabotaging his development as a real cat, whatever that means. So, welcome to our lives, Mutin....

Tabin Wildlife Resort - A work visit

2016-01-10T22:05:00.002-08:00

Lahad Datu Airport Office

November 2nd, 2015, we had a work visit to Tabin Wildlife Resort. Situated in Lahad Datu, Sabah, it is one of the many Eco-tourism attractions in Sabah. It is lesser known than its other more famous counterparts like Danum or Maliau, probably because of lesser exposure to the public. Well, at least that's a valid reason for me since I rarely seen it being promoted in travel mags or anywhere. It is always Maliau or Danum that takes the center stage.

As usual, for field trip, I would be the photographer, be it the untrained and 'uncertified' one. The journey was fine, not as tiring as journey to Maliau. It wasn't a virgin jungle, so the sight of growing trees was soothing as it was very familiar to my 'kampungan' eyes. Rain met us halfway, but we made it there and straightaway did our job, tried to finish as many tasks as possible within our 3 days and 2 nights stay there.

Sunbird Cafe

Our first night, we just spent it in our lodge and nearby area. Tabin stayed true to its name as birding paradise of Borneo. A walk around the lodge area was filled with sightings of birds everywhere, mostly hornbills of several different species. After a rest at our very comfortable river lodge, we took our dinner at Sunbird Cafe. Food was good, of course, I just missed my 'cili potong'. I need that spiciness to fully enjoy my food. We waived off the opportunity to join the Night Safari to have another rest at our lodge.

The next day, we went to the Mud Volcano. Few minutes on truck, then another half an hour hike to the mud site. I dreaded going into forest hike as I hate leeches. But, it wasn't the case this time as I had put on my protective armour, the tobacco lotion, which we made ourselves using tobacco we bought at Lahad Datu town. We were greeted with beautiful sight of the mud volcano site. After aerial view from the tower, we went to get what we really wanted there, the mud. For facial treatment, of course. Even though I don't do facial treatment, but I know people who would love to. A little accident caught my colleague, to add a little color and a little laugh in that sweaty trip.

Afternoon Day Two: We were supposed to go for herbal foot soak but I decided to pass that, opting a bit more than 40 winks at our lodge instead. Man...how I love my nap. Since it was our last night, and the weather was good, we went on the Night Safari. We weren't very lucky since we only spotted one or two animals, the wild cat and ...what was it again on the tree? I forgot.

The next day, after heavy lunch, we went back to KK, bringing with us memories and a little refreshed perspective to last us a few days to a lifetime. Want to know more about Tabin? Visit : www.tabinwildlife.com.my

Putting on protection against leeches, 'Tobacco Lotion'

Binoculars for birdseeing

One of many huge trees along the trail to Mud Volcano

Careful where you step on. Once you got in, very hard to get out

The sad incident in 2011 in Tabin Wildlife Resort

The tourists

Our guides

Trail towards Mud Volcano

O yes, that's me in action, again.

Mud Certificate to prove you've been to Mud Volcano

This is how we do it

The walk, from our lodge

Our ride, modified truck.

Boardwalk

One of the birds sighted

Another one

Mud Volcano: Aerial View

And another one

Viper, resting just a feet away from river lodges boardwalk

A Little Accident

2015-12-21T00:14:00.001-08:00

Just a little warm up. Like I said, a lot had happened during my months of silence, both good and bad. Let me start with the bad thing. Happened on 9th November 2015, Monday. After work, I rushed out of my house for a badminton game. I drove the 'little bit broken' Kembara, which gear was malfunctioning, but still I drove it anyway. So, in drizzle, I reached the T-junction near my housing area, where I had to stop at an uphill road. Desperate to beat the time, the soonest I saw my right was clear, with just a careless glimpse on my left side, I stepped on the gas. Just a split second after I set my foot on the gas pedal, I saw a motorbike came in, into my way, and we met in the middle.

Thud, and very belatedly I braked the car. I already hit the biker, he and his bike crashed into the front of Kembara and went under, bringing down the car's iron bar/bumper with him. I panicked. I was really afraid he was hurt real bad. Luckily, he might have only few bruises, nothing else. But I was really, really panicked that the biker actually had to calm me down, telling me he was okay and that I need not to worry. The only thing he asked was to bear the cost of repairing the motorbike, and that's it. He didn't even ask for my name or my phone number. So, I asked for his number, and I called him the next day, where we went to workshop together and settled the matter.

What amazed me was, usually, in such a very clear accident, where the fault was clearly mine, the victim would get very angry, and...you know, the usual. But it was totally the opposite. He was very very kind, even helped to calm me down. He helped me to settle the matter, brought me to witness first hand and actually deal with the workshop on the repair works, so as to make sure no one cheated, I went to talk to his employer, the actual owner of the bike, and thank God, everything went so very smoothly. The overall settlement was less than RM200. At the workshop, other people even tried to persuade him to take advantage of the accident to actually add unnecessary repairs, but he just brushed it off.

Well, there are still good people here in this world, today. Hard to find, but when you do, they'll make your day, and light up hopes for better tomorrow.

The damage............