every curve ball in life

1-4-2017

2017-01-05T09:03:00.000-08:00

i never thought i would go into surgery and find out i was pregnant my due date my last miscarriage was 2 weeks ago and 5 days im scared to death. yet trying to hide it since if i'm scared then it might make me stress i can't have another loss. i have names picked out and know what i want for this baby i know its my last and that i want to do everything right. the nausea and vomiting will be all worth it. but inside im scared the 6th we see the doctor and find out how many and keep taking the med to make my strong cant miss one pill or can start bleeding.

Lupus

2015-11-13T10:53:00.001-08:00

In april i miscarriaged the doctor did testing and found out a have lupus on my skin which lupus is a auto immune disease its pain full the flare ups sometimes become infected. Last year i lost my jair this year its effecting my eyes and my hands and back i go all numb on my hands and they become purple and drop anything.thats in my hands and the pain makes me wish i was in labor with back labor no one understands the pain or sees it until i break down. It took 8 miscarriages and lossing a baby at 27 weeks October 23 last year for the doctors to test and see. Now i deal with this over the past 3 years its gotten bad the ob said i could have had it and never knew until she test. What brings lupus there's no answer they think hormone imbalance but not sure. Theres days like today i want to cut to try and forget the pain. No one understands unless they go threw it or are willing to research it.

Noon3

2014-11-22T02:53:00.001-08:00

Everyguy says he would love to stay home with the baby but when it does happen the housw is destroyed and nothing gets done not even dishs and then compairs what you do to them or when they do work they think its easy to stay home i hate staying home i like doing both atleast i get someone to talk to when i work then a 2 year old and repeating my self 200+times a day.

Losing

2014-11-22T02:37:00.001-08:00

I love being a mom but i dont like being home 24/7 i feel like im not needed anymore i miss having someone need me for everybit i wish i knew why i cry seeing her dew new things maybe the thought of having another one nad losing it like i have before. I miss being pregnant and miss working my ass of maybe as a kid i did bad jobs and fucked up alot but one thing i mnow i havnt fucked up was being a mom and a fiance i try my best even when im mad i still try. People think most teen moms can get loans for school guess what bitches if u have a more then. A certain about you cant so i have to wait until i can save money for my ged and carrer what i want to do inlife.

Miscarrying

2014-10-17T21:51:00.001-07:00

Knowing your pregnant and losing it is like a stab in the heart and never stops. Im writing this to get some sadness out.
Augest 25 i started a new job on that monday that wensday i found out i was pregnant that saturday i ended up in er bleeding they said it was implantation a week later i had a doc appt and blood done my levels were to low at hospital when they redid blood at doc i got a call to come in i miscarried. Ive been really upset blaming my self. Why do i have to lose a baby not only one but 3 times i fought for my duaghter even my body did now its giving up.i know its not my fault in always told it's not but i feel like it is what parent whats to possibly never be able to carry another child again. Because of a birth control i choose not knowing there was a 1 and 10 for getting pid. Now i have a scare that causes me not to want sex it makes me cry. Losing a baby to me is like losing a living child yes the baby wasnt here on earth yet. To me it was a baby and to me my body gave up. People that have moscarried understand. No we dont talk about it or let everyone know i try to hide the hurt feeling if i could i would sit next to a ocean evryday and cry but i cant. I get to be a mom. Being a mothere is amazing its the best thing thats ever happend to me i would love to be able to carry and be a mother to another child.

Lost

2014-10-17T21:36:00.001-07:00

I find my self laying her on the couch next to my duaghter playing with her cars and think whag the hell is wrong. Whats wrong well we are home all day and then night unless we go for a walk but the parks getting redone so what we normally do we cant right now. I feel so sad ao bored and ny house is a mess my normal weekend stuff is being changed. I normally only clean and make lunch well its going to take all day tonmrow because how i feel like i just want to cry i wanted to take my duaghter and handsome fiance to the pumpkin patch and take pictures but thats not happening and this was the only weekend we can because the military so guess what is being thrown in my face i feel like every plane i make a week ahead gets tossed out the door.i feel like im failing i try to have fun but what happends no i feel like km drowing because how bad i feel for my daughter. Im going to be working alot soon and wont get much time with her she will be asleep before i get home. I feel lost i cant go to my grandmas witch really sucks she can only come over to my house and i dont get to see my duaghters witch she loves. I wish i lived in a house that aloud pets i really want a dog thinking about talking to the owners and seeing. Is there anythings that i could do thats fun and a 2 year would love she draws and colors we do numbers we walk around by are house and look for rocks for her to paint. When we go to the park she likes to ask for money lol and then looks on the group she loves money. Its cute and funny she organzize her cars by color and sizem and loves boots and we do alot of dancing and hulu and crafts i rven let her help me make bows and she uses left overs just to glue to paper. I feel like I'm not good enough. j made a goal for her to be potty trained by January and if no ones on board well thers going to be a change me and my fiance would love it. And she loves potty training she does good. My fiance and daughter are amazing and i have a beautiful family.

Being blamed

2014-10-07T18:11:00.001-07:00

So i decied to go on my old fb guess what i told my dad and step mom on it on 913 i was pregnant my mom found out the day before i was only 7 weeks at the time. So how is it my fault i didnt keep everykne updated until 25 well we almost lost our daughter 4 times and almosy lost me durinv labor is how. Maybe i never did what my dad wanted but its my life and one thing they were wrong about is me and my fiancé hes been a dad since i was pregnant he did evrything he could with us almost losing her maybe we had her sooner then you guys wanted but guess what if it wasnt for him and her i might not be her having her has made me grow up ive been able to take care of her and give her evrything she needs maybe im not rich. Maybe i have ocd about things but for one thing i will never treat her the way that i was when visiting if someone wants to get to know me dont tell me how to raise her. I will never be like u guys.i never graduated she is so smart yes she might have some health probelms but im doing my best. And i just love how since i was out there rhe onky text i got with my old phone was when you coming down and i blocked me from fb and lied saying u didnt. I found u on ny fiance account is how i know if h deactivated a account then it wont show. So how about do lie to me i havnt lied to u. I did something i regret and thats because u guys told me irs not healthu it was bull shit i did reasearch and found out even seen specialist so i dont give a crap what you think. I would rather only have something to do with my dad is all abd step sisters and brother but u probably wont allow that.

Having some family sucks

2014-09-28T18:56:00.001-07:00

Since january i found out i had a peice of a iud left and it broke pf caused a infection witch caused pid anytime i get a yeast infection or anything or a uti it causes pid ive miscarryed 3 times this year. I went to my dads andbloved it until they would talk about how i am with my duaghter sorry i dont dk things your way i keep secrets o didnt tell people i was pregnate. I was told the day i found out i woukdnt make it to 25 weeks they dknt understand what its like being told that from a doc and being asked to have a abortion hell no its ny baby me and her are here against all the odds and if i do have another kid because of the reactions i might not say shit. Since i cane home ive only heard 1 thing from my step mom is when u guys coming back down do u know the dates. I work 40+hours a week even though i dont need to i spend tbe rest of my days and night studying and being with my amazkng beautiful daughter. If i voice my opinion i wouldn get shot down. I sat in bed there and talked on the phone tk fall asleep and i talked to the love of my life telling him about my day or texting him. I have ny own place and i dint see my family even though they watch my daughter while i work ny fiance does. Im not about telling them evrything never have or will and if u dont like me i dont care. Im me u never raised me if u did i would still be the same person probbaly would have done worse. My family tried to gey me to finish school i decied to get high and drunk i wiuld still and do gradfiti i tore familys apart i almost killed my self but no i had told my grandma ro never contach my dad and tell him he probably wouldnt have cared i found out when i got pregnant he did care when i told him about the drugs i never heard frkm him until i called him and told him at 25 weeks i was pregnant with a little girl. U know what i got was nothung never talked to the person who cared the most was my uncle who would ask how i was feeling or how she is. Thats what a daughter neexs at that time when i found iut about pid in march i told them and i got told it was frkm a std for ine ive been tested evry 3 months 2 they even said it was from a iud on the sheet that didnt get fully tooken out. If ur reading this i dont think u need to tell me how to raise my daughter. What 2 year old knows how to do push ups and crys when mommy is being dropped off at work im saving mknrh for collage. I have to pay for my own wedding and my family isnt going to help.. oh and im making a acciunt for my daughter so she can have a beautiful wedding. No one knows hoe it feels to not have a dad that sill call atlesst try and get ahold of his granddaughter and daughter to say i love u of just see how u are. Maybr thats why ny grandma didnt tell him anything. I started drinking when i was cominv back from colorado i dont remeber anything about it but ivr found emails i tried sending my dad but couldnt. Im hapoy i didnt but maybe i should have theere from when i was 12. And i just found out in june i wiuld have a 8 year old brother i know losing a kid is hard i cant tlak about what ive lost i break down looking at babies or seeing people pregnant i can put on a face like it doesnt effect me i have to for my 2 year she can tell when im hurt or upset. Shes going tk have s amazing spoiled child hood. Theres my vent. I love ny dad snd sisters but im not going tk be told and then lectured all the time. I get lectured because shes not pottu trained well here is what i think abiut it she is 2 and ahes learning in not forcing or beeting my child becsuse she hsd a accedent i bought her cloth diapers because she deserves a healthy ass there better then those throw aways that cause sores and rashes she hsd a rash i switched and its gone with in a few hours.

I quite making my duaghter processed fokd evrything is orgnic she she loves it we make french frys together she loves fruits and veggies. She has a mom and dsd that care about therw weight no more junk food unless its chips and crackers what parents at age 18 and 19 like tk eat healthh not many and know what collages they want and what they want not alot in my town yes i might. Not have my ged but atlesst i try snd im. Going to and hoing tk school kn nutrition my dreams is to be a personal trainer snd nutrition specialist if u go to school yk help people get fit why not teach them to eat right to keeo fit evrything u eat is what helpes u get fit. Ive never had a chance to do what i want but seejbg how mu 2 yesr old wants tk work out with me and my bf and she will copy she can do push ups only 2 but for a 2 year old its amazing she doesn planks with me and laughs we find it fun maybe doing a baby work out class would be fun one day for toddlers.

My life

2014-08-20T16:55:00.001-07:00

Got my hair done

They look the sweets when there asleep all 4 lol girls and 3t shirt

My life is my life no one is going to tell me what to do. This year I'm saving money for my fiancé and daughter to go to Brazil it's more important then going to another state she needs to meet her great grandma maybe go to Colorado again if we can afford it since I'm going to be a cow by the end of this year I'm sure. Well this past week we have unpacked evrything other then Alessandra's room her rooms last. We have bought more house stuff I love the colors we are doing. And I've been sleeping a lot since Alessandra has been at grandma and grandpas and went to a barbique next week I'm throwing a Tupperware party then the 26th it's my honeys birthday he's going to be 19 I'm so proud of him if anyone has anything they want to say feel free to email me. My blog is my life not everyone has to see it or agree with it I want my daughter and fiancé to see her great grandma and his grandma before she's gone. I mean why make her wait an so not know who she is and never et the chance to meet her I might go I don't know yet. No I'm not pregnate that's not what I was say I've been gaining wait and eating a lot to where I has gone up 6 sizes . Even if I do get prenate this year or next it's no ones buisness I'm finishing school I'm not rushing it thought because I still don't know what I want to do I know it's going to be somthing with working out but I'm trying to do stuff right if you don't agree then don't have to talk to me. I run my life no one else no my grandma and me don't talk about this stuff. Since I moved out it's really no ones buisness unless it affects u I'm not pregnate I'm 100% about that for now and me eating right is the first proirty. I love eating healthy but going organic is hard no more cows milk for me either.

I love santley to much

2014-07-25T17:26:00.001-07:00

You might not like that we are back together but I love him and he loves me and that's all that matters are family is happy and we both are doing what's best so why be mad or upset about it. Maybe we took a break for a while but now we are happily back together and both grew up a lot. I did stuff I regret and I even didn't finish school but I'm fixing that I put it aside for my family so he could do what needed to be done since I didn't want her going to day care. I never let anyone watch her until after she was one now I'm scared but going to have to so I can get my GED even if that means me every break checking on her. Like I did when I worked. I'm happy that my family is back together and that things are looking up. Yes my past is never going to leave but I can better my life and my family's even if people know about my past I can prove that's not me. Idc what any one says I'm not going to hurt him we both hurt each other I'm scared his parents .Are never going to accept me if that happens it's going to rip him apart u can tell it is but when's he's with me and our daughter he's so happy and beaming it's amazing.

He loves me

people think

2012-05-04T19:45:00.001-07:00

people think being pregnant is not a emotional roller coaster well it is there's time we cry for no reason we can talk and just start crying we can think of something and start to cry or being told something funny and just cry for no reason no im not a wimp i just have all kind of feelings i never was like this until i got pregnant i used to never cry i was never even able to and now i can cry and not mean to i can have my daughter moving and start crying because shes a blessing . has anyone ever wounder if they could ever have a baby because the doc told them they couldn't i was like that for years i didn't know if i could i didnt think i could go full term im full term now and love every minute of it yes im a teen mom so what it doesn't mean im a slut or anything . if god wants you to have a baby he will make it happen if he didn't then he wouldn't make it happen theres days i think adoption but i know in my heart keeping her and her dad knows is the best for us we may struggle have our ups and down but to me shes all i need i can feel her when im sad and know everything is gonna be okay . people in my family think im stuck up for saying no to people when they say they can watch her when i need someone to before i go to anyone its only gonna be our family its not being rude its just me wanting the best for my daughter i know what i want for her and know what i dont want and if i ever tell you no you cant hold her then thats a no for the day it might change it might not . what i think when people say they are gonna show up at the hospital even tho i don't want anyone except my family its because i don't want people there i don't like crowds its hard a nuff for me to go to church because i don't want to be around a lot of people . If i tell you no you cant hold my daughter at church its because i dont want people to get her sick is just got be me or her dad or my grandmother holding her babys get sick easier then anyone and i dont want her to get sick if your kid comes to church and there sick please dont have them go up and ask to hold her because the straight up answer is gonna be no yo u cant and dont ask again i can come off mean and dont want to but i want the best for my daughter .

venting

2012-04-29T01:50:00.001-07:00

things here at home are getting better and worse i don't know how to cope with it anymore one minute everyone's good in the day then when it comes to like cleaning or something everyone fights and then i feel like i have to do everything and clean because i cant go to school until my daughter is born i hate this life i hate how my family don't even see what i do or even want to and truth is if i could and had a place to go i would leave tonight and never come back pack all my daughters stuff and mine and never come back to living here its been to much to many years and its getting worse i have no clue what to do anymore i don't want my baby having my bro as a uncle i don't want her to go threw what i am or here fighting all the time iv never got along with my bro and all my grandma does it seems like is baby his 16 year old butt . im tired of this and am not gonna take it anymore when your 16 you should be getting good grades and doing your chores and when your grounded you shouldn't get by with it because in the real world if you get in trouble you dot get by you cant skip paying a bill or not showing up to court or speeding when it says 30 and your going 60 or 70 i mean really you need to learn someone has to teach you or should at least try and if it don't teach you then i guess when you turn legal age and get in trouble at school or work your just gonna learn the hard way . im just venting here just so i can try and keep sanity i have no one to really talk to other then my fiancee since my grandma don't like to listen to me about my feelings i get told shut up or thats not true or your brother is younger yes he is only 15 months he needs someone to make him grow up im growing up fast for my daughter but hes been treated like a baby his hole life .and alot of other things

truth and some things about pregnancy .

2012-04-29T01:36:00.004-07:00

the truth about when someone gets pregnant even if there adult .
1. they will find out who there true friends are . 2. learn that you have to put your baby and school and work before friends. 3. have no free time but learn to live with it every day and love it no matter how you feel . 4. have 10 months of a emotional roller coaster that only some people understand . 5. learn each week and different things your body goes threw . 6. watch your body grow and think how big you baby is getting . 7. learning to not let the little things stress you out even when that's all you want to do and know.

30 weeks and engaged

2012-03-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

ever since i found out i was pregnant iv been so happy but then scared the farther i get the closer it gets to the day i could hole her in my arms and watch her dad every doc appt we go to he lights up to her heart beat and tries not to cry i try not to and dont but i do when i get home. i feel ur kicks every day and ur hick ups are more stronger and every day i can feel u move ur fingers or rub ur hand and i can tell when ever u move ur foot it shows the print i can fell ur hole body when i rub my hand on my tummy and try and figure out what part it is and rub my hand on ur foot and then u jerk it back like u can feel it and it tickles ...i love you to death alessandra and cant wait to hold u in my arms and ur dad does to he will be there and cant wait for u to be here. me and ur father are waiting until he gets out of collage to get married but its all for the best .

life and pregnancy the hard times being 17 and pregnant and what im going threw

2012-01-25T22:04:00.000-08:00

when someone finds out from your mother that you don't even live with that your pregnant and doesn't let you tell people you self it hurts because they tell people that you wanted to tell like my little brother found out from my neighbor because of my mom i feel like i cant even trust anyone in my life except my daughter and fiance .i told my grandmother on her birthday witch was a couple days after my moms and my grandmother said she knew but never wanted to make me do a test i didn't know until 9weeks 6 days pregnant with my daughter and now to this day it is harder to be around my brother he gets mad so easy hates me i feel like i cant even live with my grandmother even tho i'm only 17 and then the doc don't want me working or exercising much i barley can walk a block with out having to worry about going into premature labor i'm 24 weeks pregnant or farther and just starting to have problems with exercising and eating . i feel like my life here at home is going down everything i do i get yelled at and then my grandma says to not let a messy house stress me out or anything but its hard when i get told i don't do anything from my brother iv been having problems since he threw a cowboy boot at my back it didn't hurt me but i got so mad that i was thinking about killing my self i don't know how much longer i could live here with out hurting my self i want the best for my daughter and me and i cant give her it or me it .i thought my brother would accept it and understand and try to make it more calm but now he calls me fat and a lot of mean things knowing how i was before i was pregnant i started starving my self and riding my bike i went from 145 to 115 and i told everyone i was eating and stuff i don't wanna go back to how i was but its hard when you have some tell you that Ur fat and mean names when ur pregnant and under wait for your height my daughter is what made me gain weight its all baby and water and everything but when i have her im gonna lose so much weight i don't have anyone to talk to no friends because almost all of then partied and i'm gonna be a mom a mom doesn't drop what shes doing with her kid and party all night im not gonna be like the girls on teen mom2 or 16 and pregnant .i know im only 17 but i have a lot i want for my daughter and she deserves im finishing my GED even with everyone against it the only people i have to tell me to keep doing it is my fiance he knows what i wanna be and do i don't want my daughter living how i did growing up with barley a mom having no dad. im not gonna be a mom that lets her daughter do what ever and when ever shes gonna know priorities and right and wrong and that school comes first before games and friends .i never had someone tell me to do school work before i went out tell me i need to get good grades have help and its made it so i couldn't finish high school by the time im 21 i still wouldnt have so i have to get my ged to help support her and teach her that it doesn't matter what problems you go threw that if you put your heart to it and finish you can do anything .

truth about being in a relishing ship

2011-12-06T12:27:00.000-08:00

when ever Ur with someone dating engaged or married you never wanna lose trust with that person it makes you feel so bad and feel like your dieing inside . never have friends they dont aprove of because its gonna hurt you and ur partener more the you even know. never cheat and never do something that might make them think you where cheating or you did something wrong .life is like a roller coaster.

feelinsg about family and work

2011-09-11T13:55:00.000-07:00

when you work online people down you and tell you its not possible they try and get you to stop working and get a regular job but most regular jobs don't pay good and you have to have a couple jobs to live even when you live with your parents you still wanna save money to move out on your own pay for your own stuff . i hate my grandmother paying for my stuff that's why sometimes i don't get new stuff she try to get me new things but i don't want her to because i don't fill responsible for my self I'm a 16 year old girl that loves working on the computer and hates people paying for me I'm starting to be okay with certain people buying me thing but i still don't like it when you have someone in your family that takes care of 2 teenagers and then works only 1 job you would know where it comes from im the oldest and sometimes fill like im to old to live at home but im not 18 so im not old enuf to move out on my own i hate relying on my grandmother for things and i know it sounds weird for someone my age to say this

4 th of july photos i tooken

2011-07-13T02:29:00.000-07:00

this was the first time in 3 years the fair ground set fire works off i had fun taking pics of it 7-4-2011

my photography iv tooken

2011-07-13T02:16:00.000-07:00

you could put life into something but the person has
to make it be what they want it to the parents after they hit a sertin age can try to control it but they notice they have to get into trouble to figure it out on there own ..... 7-12-2011

photography

2011-07-13T01:57:00.000-07:00

“Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever... it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.”

photo shoots with @Danielle
photography is looking at something simple and making it out to be something beautiful noticing you can make simple colors go together make thing stand out and make the easy colors that sometimes don't go together make them go together or coordinate them . its call coordination

hmmm my thuaghts

2011-07-02T23:19:00.000-07:00

when you think of love do you think of the person being with you forever or sort term? when ever i thought i ever thought about love i always thought they would break my heart .
when you start to like someone sometimes you don't wanna get to close because your afraid your gonna get hurt by them you don't wanna get to know you because how shy or scared you are i wish that i knew what love is when your parents love you or to have 2 parents together that can help show me how it is but ill never know ill find out on my own . Iv always been scared to get close to someone because i am scared i am gonna get hurt . when i think about about being with someone i think about being with them forever you don't wanna lose them when you know that your in love with them. i never thought i would fall in love with someone that treats me right. its hard to find someone that treats you right and be there for you and want you to finish school and do your dreams .

when you think of what to do

2011-06-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

when you think of what to do in the day to start the day you have so much going threw your head . today when i got up i was thinking like i don't wanna do anything to day just lay in bed and sleep but when you think about it you think is that the best thing for me to do because it wont get anything done and its called being lazy in less your sick . today i got up took a shower got dressed now waiting to work at a firework stand while I'm waiting for time to pass i'm just gonna be on this editing and fixing it and taking pictures .

when im older i wanna be in the air force and a photographer
photography is my favorite thing to do i take pics someone from my grandmothers church for fun then i do family pics and friends pics and animal all kinds i do ever since i was a little kid i wanted to be a photographer because i enjoy it .

i wanna be in air force because its serving the country and following family traces . and be a air force computer tech .

fire works

2011-06-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

Chemistry of Firework Colors

Firework Colorants

Color	Compound
Red	strontium salts, lithium salts lithium carbonate, Li₂CO₃ = red strontium carbonate, SrCO₃ = bright red
Orange	calcium salts calcium chloride, CaCl₂ calcium sulfate, CaSO₄·xH₂O, where x = 0,2,3,5
Gold	incandescence of iron (with carbon), charcoal, or lampblack
Yellow	sodium compounds sodium nitrate, NaNO₃ cryolite, Na₃AlF₆
Electric White	white-hot metal, such as magnesium or aluminum barium oxide, BaO
Green	barium compounds + chlorine producer barium chloride, BaCl⁺ = bright green
Blue	copper compounds + chlorine producer copper acetoarsenite (Paris Green), Cu₃As₂O₃Cu(C₂H₃O₂)₂ = blue copper (I) chloride, CuCl = turquoise blue
Purple	mixture of strontium (red) and copper (blue) compounds
Silver	burning aluminum, titanium, or magnesium powder or flakes

Sparklers

A sparkler consists of a chemical mixture that is molded onto a rigid stick or wire. These chemicals often are mixed with water to form a slurry that can be coated on a wire (by dipping) or poured into a tube. Once the mixture dries, you have a sparkler. Aluminum, iron, steel, zinc or magnesium dust or flakes may be used to create the bright, shimmering sparks. An example of a simple sparkler recipe consists of potassium perchlorate and dextrin, mixed with water to coat a stick, then dipped in aluminum flakes. The metal flakes heat up until they are incandescent and shine brightly or, at a high enough temperature, actually burn. A variety of chemicals can be added to create colors. The fuel and oxidizer are proportioned, along with the other chemicals, so that the sparkler burns slowly rather than exploding like a firecracker. Once one end of the sparkler is ignited, it burns progressively to the other end. In theory, the end of the stick or wire is suitable to support it while burning.

Rockets & Aerial Shells
When most people think of 'fireworks' an aerial shell probably comes to mind. These are the fireworks that are shot into the sky to explode. Some modern fireworks are launched using compressed air as a propellent and exploded using an electronic timer, but most aerial shells remain launched and exploded using gunpowder. Gunpowder-based aerial shells essentially function like two-stage rockets. The first stage of an aerial shell is a tube containing gunpowder, that is lit with a fuse much like a large firecracker. The difference is that the gunpowder is used to propel the firework into the air rather than explode the tube. There is a hole at the bottom of the firework so the expanding nitrogen and carbon dioxide gases launch the firework into the sky. The second stage of the aerial shell is a package of gunpowder, more oxidizer, and colorants. The packing of the components determines the shape of the firework.

how to make green fire
Boric Acid
Medical grade boric acid can be found in the pharmacy sections of some stores for use as a disinfectant. It is a white powder. It's not the same chemical as borax. I used Enoz Roach Away™, which is 99% boric acid, sold with household insecticides

Heet™ Gas Line Antifreeze and Water Remover
Heet™ is sold with automotive chemicals.
Metal or Stoneware Container
Lighter

Instructions for Making Green Fire

Pour some Heet™ into the container. How much you use will determine how long your fire will burn. I used about a half cup of Heet™ for approximately 10 minutes of fire.
Sprinkle some boric acid into the liquid and swirl it around to mix it up. I used 1-2 teaspoons of powder. It won't all dissolve, so don't worry about some powder at the bottom of the container.
Set the container on a heat-safe surface and ignite it with a lighter

Green Fire Tips & Safety Information

Boric acid is a relatively safe household chemical. You can rinse the residue remaining in the container down the drain.
This is an outdoor project. There isn't a lot of smoke produced, nor is it particularly toxic, but the heat is intense. It will set off your smoke alarm.
Be sure to set your container on a heat-safe surface. Do not follow my extremely bad example and set it on your glass patio table. Similarly, don't use any container that might shatter dangerously. Use metal or possibly stoneware, not glass, wood, or plastic.
Heet™ primarily is methanol (methyl alcohol). You could try this project with other types of alcohol. Possibilities include ethanol, such as vodka or Everclear, or isopropyl alcohol (rubbing alcohol). You might also try other common household metal salts for different flame colors.
For example, I susbstituted rubbing alcohol (isopropyl alcohol) for the Heet™. The result was a fire that alternated from orange to blue to green. It wasn't as spectacular as the Heet™ fire, but it was still pretty cool.
The green fire could be used as a stunning Halloween decoration in a cauldron or possibly inside a jack-o-lantern
Keep the chemicals for this project out of reach of children or pets, since methanol is harmful if swallowed. Read and follow any safety precautions listed on the labels of the specific products you use.

what green fire looks like

don't you think 4th of July is suppose to be fun and interesting lol making fires hanging out and making sparklers is fun if u do it right who else would try if they know how to do it ? comment bellow with answers...

people often wounder what life means

2011-06-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

If you're questioning the meaning of life because you've been unhappy and depressed a good bit.

Unhappy? Depressed?

Well, obviously if you're really bad off you should really talk to a professional, but as long as you're not contemplating any ugly irreversible acts, here's something that might help.

Think of someone you know that seems pretty happy about life. How would you describe their attitude? Are they kidding themselves? Are they ignoring the ugly truth about life that's right in front of their eyes and pretending that some happy fantasy world that exists only in their heads is real? Well, guess what. That is exactly how every happy person in the world acts. And the really strange thing is that it's OK. Because the reason that you are unhappy is that you have constructed a fantasy world just as complete and just as removed from the "facts" as the Pollyanna imaginings that you so despise in those happy people.

Reality is in fact neither good nor bad, it is a very plastic inkblot sort of thing that can be bent and twisted in many directions depending on your beliefs. WHAT! you say? What about THE TRUTH? Well, that's a complicated question and it gets into the meaning of life bit that we haven't gotten to yet, but suffice it to say that what is REALLY going on is so strange, so complex, and so far beyond our everyday understanding, that it bears no relationship to what you think of as "reality", "truth", or "reason". Good and bad, happy and sad, these are notions that you are imposing on the world around you. But, more on that in part II of the Meaning of Life Page.

The answer to unhappiness is both liberating and infuriating, but here it is. Happiness doesn't depend on anything that has or has not happened in the past, nor does it depend on your future prospects (thank God, eh?). The simple fact is, in order to be happy:

You Must Decide to be Happy.

Yep. Isn't that aggravating? You can't blame it on anyone else, and no one else can do a thing for you. You've just got to decide to be happy, whether or not your logical mind thinks it is rational to be happy and whether or not your moral sense thinks you deserve to be happy. You absolutely will not be happy for any length of time until you decide to, and if you decide to, you can be happy in the face of the most miserable circumstances.

Happy deciding.

On a related note, if you want to know the meaning of life because you feel useless and worthless,

Feel Useless and Worthless?

Well, you are. No, seriously, this is a typical problem in most cultures around the world. People tell their children (with words and actions) that they are no-good, worthless, useless drains on their parents' happiness, pocketbooks, and patience. Given this scenario, you get a lot of adults who became convinced as children that they were just no good, and they helpfully pass this attitude on to their children. Lovely predicament, eh?

Well, thankfully, they were wrong. Let's take useless first, it's easier. You cannot be classified as useless, because you aren't really supposed to have to make yourself useful. Look at the natural world. What is the use of a tree? Well, it has many uses, but it isn't TRYING to be useful. There's the difference. It's just doing what it wants (or so we assume) and in the process of doing that it does its job in the natural order of things. Despite all the rantings of moralists, you are in the same boat. The only way you are ever going to do an ounce of good in the world is to do what you want. Do what makes you happy, or at least what distracts you from your misery. Important Note: If you have an underdeveloped sense of empathy and enjoy doing things that harm others, ignore this advice and get professional help!

How, you may ask, does doing what you like do any good? Look around you. Look at people who seem to be trying very hard to be useful. Are they really doing good things for people? Or do they make everyone around them miserable with all their moral uppidyness and incessant busy bodying? I suspect it is the latter. The people who really do others some good are the people who are doing what they like and who aren't very interested in being useful. They are usually interesting to be around, because they are doing things that interest them. They are often fun to be around, because they appreciate fun and know how to laugh and not take anything too seriously. They inspire other people to figure out what it is that they want to do by example, thus causing more people to be interested in life and interesting to be around, fun loving, etc.

Out of all the people we meet in life, these people who are doing their own thing are the people who have the most profoundly positive impact on us and thus make our lives richer in the most fundamental, meaningful way. Can you really call that useless? Sure, working in a soup kitchen will feed people, but if you're being a martyr about it because you don't really want to be there, everyone around you will see right through you and hate you for being moralistic and insincere, and you will end up doing more harm than good. So, revel in your perfect uselessness. It's the useful thing to do.

What if everyone in the world just did what they wanted? Would it be anarchy? Well, that starts to get into the subject matter for our eventual companion page, How to Solve All the World's Problems.

Now, for Worthless...

If you can overcome the stigma of uselessness, you are halfway to getting over worthlessness. Because worthlessness is often just the moral judgment you place on yourself when you think you are useless. However, worthlessness goes deeper. Worthlessness implies that you don't even have a right to be here. You are not one of the blessed, you are one of the damned.

You see, there are really only two moral beliefs about people, either people are basically good, or they are basically bad. 99.9 percent of the world's population believes that people are basically bad, and that's a problem. If it's true that people are basically bad, then there is no hope for us; democracy is obviously doomed, and a benevolent monarchy is impossible because no basically bad person could stay benevolent once they had all that power.

Are people basically bad? Let's look at the facts. Once again, look at the people around you. Once you get to know them, you realize that:

Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.

Everyone on the planet is in exactly the same state of moral worth, because we are all doing the best we can with what we have. Poor upbringings cause many people to not have much to do their best with, but hey, that's life. Criminals believe they are powerless, so breaking the social contract is the only way they think they can get what they need and manage to feel somewhat powerful. People without that hang-up can see that cooperation and respect are really how things get accomplished, but both of these types of people are simply trying to live a fulfilling life using the methods that they think have the best chance of working. So you see, people are basically good. They are all trying to do their best. They often just need some help overcoming inner demons and behavior patterns that aren't really working for them.

Obviously, you are in the same boat. You are doing the best you can with what you have. You are already living the most moral and correct life you know how to live. There is no more that you can do at this moment to be a better person. You are already a good person. You do not have to strive every moment to be better than it is possible for you to be. Smile at yourself. You're OK.

Now, it should be clear that you can improve. Not by beating yourself over the head for bad things you've done; those things couldn't be helped. You were just doing your best with what you had. What you can do is learn where your blind spots are. Watch others. People who at first glance are just plan old bad people are on further investigation suffering from horrendous misconceptions about how the world works. You also have misconceptions about the best way to get what you want. Find those misconceptions and wake up!

But, don't worry if your progress is slow and unsteady. You will make progress, but after all, you can only do the best you can with what you have. (Man, why did we beat this topic's catch phrase into the ground, over and over? Well, we were just doing, you know, that thing we said.)

If you want to see our answer so that you can prove your intellectual prowess by poking holes in it

Proving Your Intellectual Prowess

Ah, yes, the eager young intellectual out to battle the demons of smug fuzzy-headedness here on the net. Well, Homey don't play that. We aren't going to argue with you, because we already know what arguments can and cannot be knocked down. As Kant pointed out quite a while back now, no metaphysical axiom can be proven to be necessary. Meaning, by its very nature, implies a metaphysical and teleological structure that is rooted in assumptions beyond mere matter. That is to say, you will be able to very easily poke holes in our presentation of the meaning of life, by definition. It wouldn't be the meaning of life if it were logically unassailable.

The only unassailable arguments these days are materialism and pure philosophical agnosticism. If you are dealing with someone who believes that the material world exists, you can win every argument by having the position that all that exists are atoms and molecules bouncing randomly around and that there is no moral or philosophical principle that can be proven to be true, or even to have any meaning. Life is completely pointless on a philosophical level, but if you want to continue filling your belly just for the sheer bloody- mindedness of it, Darwin pointed out the basic game plan and Ayn Rand filled in the egotistical details. Have at it.

If you have someone who is more clever and knows to argue that the material world may not exist, then there are not only no moral or philosophical principles that can be proven to exist, but indeed, there are no scientific principles that can be proven to exist either. You have sunken into solipsism, which of course can't be proven either, leaving you with no provable statements whatsoever. As before of course, if you wish to continue filling your non-existent belly with insubstantial morsels, there are plenty of other non-existent people who will apparently play that game with what we will for argument's sake call you, so jolly good luck, if there were such a thing.

If something awful just happened to you or someone you care about and you don't understand why bad things happen to good people

Why Bad Things Happen to Good People

Actually there is a book by the name "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." No one here has read it. Of course, we don't need to, because we already know why:

There is no such thing as Justice

It is an illusion. A myth. A fairy tale. Life really isn't fair. The question is, why do you think it's supposed to be? Who started that idea? Job? The people who tried to put a good face on beating people up by inventing the Queensbury Rules? We don't know.

Justice sounds like a good idea because it sort of equalizes the pain. I get hurt, so you get hurt in return. Well there's more ocean than land, more roaches than roach motels, and more salesmen than prophets. Things just aren't meant to be equal. Suffering and happiness are not weights in some cosmic Martha Stewart food scale, their relative proportion is completely unpredictable, just get over it.

Here's the deal. Tragedy may be unequal, but it isn't random. Yes, there is a meaning, we're giving a bit away early here. Bad things usually happen to forcefully slap us out of whatever stupor we are in at the time. We are supposed to start questioning our beliefs. We are supposed to figure out what is and what is not important to us. People usually don't change unless they feel sufficient pain to overcome their natural resistance to change. Change takes energy. Nothing energizes like tragedy. What suffering is usually supposed to encourage us to do is figure out how to avoid suffering in the future. Find out what happy people do and imitate them. This is not rocket science.

If tragedy seems random and cruel now, it isn't. You're just not wanting to look at the facts. What facts those are exactly will be addressed in the Meaning of Life Part II.

Of course, if people don't get the hint and continue to imitate deer staring into the headlights of destiny, well, that's their lookout. Do not get mad at God/the universe/insert your cosmic principle here. Do what you're supposed to do, pick your ass up off the ground and try again. Nobody likes a crybaby.

You can't get out of it by going limp and giving up. That usually makes it worse. Athletes must tolerate a certain level of pain to reach their goals. You are no different.

As for the injustice of loved ones getting killed, etc., that has its own purpose. Don't ask unanswerable questions about other people; you've got enough to worry about with your own situation. If you get tragically killed, then you'll understand. Until then, forget it.

We have been criticized about the callous nature of this page. For people who have recently lost family members, etc., this little diatribe can sting. However, the message is still true even for them. Life is very unfair, but like chemotherapy, it does the job.

If you would like to help the world but most of the rest of the world seems completely insane

Why does the world seem to be completely insane?

Yes, it always appears that you are in a minority of sane people (or perhaps you are the ONLY sane person) in a sea of completely confused crackpots. The reason that so many other people seem completely confused and wrongheaded is that they use different symbols and metaphors to view the world. It is impossible to discuss important issues such as politics, families, violence, justice, etc. without resorting to symbolism. Anything that does not directly refer to something that can be physically sensed, such as justice or one's concept of God must be referred to by metaphor and symbol. If you and another use different symbols, you will be unable to communicate effectively. Some of the main metaphors in use today are:

Conventional religion
Science
Power, that is, dominance and submission
Artistic and aesthetic worth
Traditional political categories
Material wealth and security
Romanticism and relationships
Honor, valor, and courage
Bigotry, racism, and exclusivity
Depth psychology (Freud, Jung, etc.)
Humanism and "new age" psychology
Traditional philosophy

Chances are that your views and beliefs about the world center around one or several of these metaphors. For example, if you see the world in terms of moral worth and submission to a higher law, you are conventionally religious. If you see the world in terms of cause and effect and experimenting to find the right solutions, you are oriented toward science.

People who share one or more basic metaphors will find that they can communicate effectively with one another and work together constructively. People who do not share any metaphors will usually be unable to regard one another with anything beyond fear, hostility, and contempt. Because of this lack of communication between groups, most discussions of important issues in the public arena quickly degenerate into grandstanding and name calling, because in the absence of real understanding between the disagreeing parties, only mob psychology is left to sway public opinion.

In all of this you may be left frustrated and unable to act, because you have not yet realized that:

The World Doesn't Want to be Saved.

The world is a teeming mishmash of cultures with a bewildering array of values and ideologies engaged in their own version of the good life. People are generally not interested in changing the metaphors through which they view the world, so real understanding between groups with conflicting viewpoints is not achievable in the short term. The good news is, that's OK, because the world isn't supposed to be saved on a global scale. It must be saved at the level of the individual. And despite the fact that the level of the individual appears to be statistically insignificant, it is in fact the most significant, because it is only at the level of the individual that a creative synthesis of conflicting metaphors can occur. Once a connection is made at the individual level, the process of spreading successful new metaphors throughout society is essential automatic if the society is ready for them. If the society is not ready, the new metaphors will not be accepted under any circumstances. So don't beat you head on a rock. Solve your own interpersonal communication problems. If the world is ready to benefit from your solutions, you will not be able to stop it from using them.

life is what you make of it and how u pros eve it . when you mess up all you do is need to try and fixed what you did or make it better and not do it again . life is a long journey .

me in 2009

me and my best friend park time

2011-06-22T13:35:00.000-07:00

this is my best friend and he will always be my best friend

me before church 6-16-2011

6-16-2011

i love my best friend

me before church

best friends and no ones changing that

me at dutch bros coffee house

dutch bros coffee house

the park

pics i took the the park with my gma

pics i took at the park with my gma

park

duck at the park

me before i went out with my gma to the park

the fountain in the middle of the park

the sun above the tree

me at the park

the sky thre the trees

me at the park

sun threw the trees

sun threw trees

my little bro fishing

at the park tree and fountain

trees and fountain

me looking at my shoe messed up pic

me in da sun

fountain

I give you this ring
as a promise to you
a promise that I'll be here
and I'll always be true

I promise that I'll hold you
when your day isn't going right
and i will comfort you
through the long cold night

I promise that I'll make you smile
when you feel like dying
I promise that I'll be here
when you feel like crying

I promise that i will guide you
when the future isn't clear
i promise i will be there
to wipe away your every tear

i promise that no matter what
we will make it through
i give you this ring as a promise
A promise that I will always love you.