The Boss Lady

The Health Benefits of Peas

2010-07-30T06:10:00.000-07:00

When I make Salem a fresh, hot bowl of mac and cheese, I toss a handful of frozen peas in too cool it off - it's a win-win!

Yesterday, she got her ceremonial bowl of mac, cheese and peas. She looked at it, turned to me and said, "Mom, lemme tell you something... What is so great about peas? Why are peas a good thing to eat?"

I looked up from the t-bone steak I was cutting to share with her. I had arranged for her to have bits from the strip side, while I reserved the fillet side for myself. Man, that sounds evil, but she's not going to appreciate the fillet!

me: "Peas are vegetables, they've got fiber, vitamins, and minerals from the ground they grew from. You can't just eat a pile of starchy macaroni with dyed yellow cheese without something from a garden!"

her: "But they are so small. I don't think anything healthy can fit into them. Hey! are you cutting up meat for me?"
me: "Yep!" I walked over to her plate to toss her some steak onto her little plate. Then I sat down to dine with her.
her: "Um, can I try some of your steak?"
I gave her a few little pieces. She looked up at me after she took a bite.
her: "Um, mom? Can I trade my steak for yours? Yours is much yummier than mine and is super juicy!"

I can't fool this kid either with peas or the strip side of a t-bone steak. sheesh.

New

2010-07-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

And here we are again, at the beginning - what a complex concept.

Big Laugh

2010-07-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

Salem: "Mom, I like it when you laugh your big laugh. Will you do it now?"
me: "My big laugh?"
her: "Yeah, you know that laugh you do when something is really funny?"
me: "Hmm. It's hard to just spontaneously belt out a 'big laugh'. Usually it only happens when I'm caught off-guard and wasn't prepared to laugh."

silence

her: "Oh, you mean like the time you had the big laugh when you opened the cabinet above the microwave and all the oats spilled out all over your face and you couldn't make it stop?"
"Or that one time when it was taking too long for my chicken nuggets to cook and you found out that you forgot to turn the oven on?"
"Or the time when you hit the curb with your car and we lost that hub cap?"
"Or the time when me and you accidentally walked into the boys bathroom.."
me: "Ok! I get it. Yes...all those things made me have a 'big laugh'."
Under my breath: "Too bad there isn't a banana peel on the floor right how for me to slip on..."
her: "Yeah! That would even make ME have a big laugh!"

From that little re-cap, I guess I only make the 'big laugh' at myself when I'm being an idiot.

Salem's Birthday Pool Party

2010-07-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

We may have had spotty weather, it raining off and on, but the party was a success! Salem really enjoyed herself and I got bombarded by little girls in the pool.

Me, Mommo and little Max!

The Spongebob cake I slaved over. Salem was kinda impressed, but not really. :(

being bombarded by girls in the pool. See Frances fleeing the scene?

The sun peeks out for a bit!

Babcocks!

Kendra and Max

Happy 6th Birthday Salem!

2010-07-15T16:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Salem,
This last year you've grown so much! Taller yes, (you're 46" tall and 34 pounds) but you've really made major leaps in maturity and I couldn't be more proud.

As your mother I spend most of my time thinking about you, what we're going to do together, what we're going to eat, whether or not you're going to enjoy yourself, what I can surprise you with, wondering what hilarity will come out of your mouth, how many new freckles you'll collect on your nose, and basking in the vastness of how lovely you really are.

This past year, you completed your first year of school with amazing marks. You've come up with some serious dance moves and we've wowed crowds with our routines. You have made wonderful friendships and are a treasure to everyone you meet. You've had surgery this year and were very brave. Your recovery was astonishingly quick, I attribute that to your positive attitude. You've shown the world how adorable you are by helping me make a video for my job.

It's endearing how your biggest concern right now is losing a tooth. Man, I wish that was my biggest concern too. But lets not get too far ahead of ourselves, kid. Once you start losing teeth, the closer we are the inevitable orthodontia. You can blame me for that!

Some of the Latest Salem Facts:

Your favorite snacks right now are Goldfish, almonds, and crush cups.
You finally like sweet tea.
You can eat your weight in fried shrimp.
Your grasp of irony is unbelievable and your joke delivery is well timed.
You love Spongebob and know all the lyrics to the "Camp Fire Song Song" even the spelling.
You love to collect roly poly bugs in tiny jars and leave them in your room.
You love to cut and arrange flowers.
Glitter and beads can be found in every crack and crevice in your bedroom.
You're trying to grow your hair out and you like it in pigtails.
You call Spanx, the woman's undergarment, a "Butt Suit".
You have an obsession with mermaids.
You're concerned about termite infestation.
Your favorite iphone game is Cooking Mama
You told me "if" you were to pick a boyfriend, that boyfriend would be Connor.
Speaking of obsessions, you love to see blood, bruises, cuts and scrapes on anyone who will show them to you.

I'm looking forward to what this next year will bring us, what new pieces of wisdom you'll gain, and how life will always be made better with you as the center of my universe.

Thank you for making me who I am,
Mommy

Congratulations to Stephanie and Apollo!

2010-07-12T05:39:00.001-07:00

Stephanie, my best friend got married this past weekend. As her maid of honor, this was my toast to her:

Can you believe it? I have known stephanie for over 20 years. And we have spent the last 20 years ever present within each other’s lives. We wouldn’t have several hundred miles, career goals, babies, relationships, experiences with death, or anything else get between our iron-clad friendship.

Stephanie,as most of you realize, is one of the most dependable and reliable people we will ever have the honor of knowing. When we were kids, my parents used to go out of town and entrust Stephanie with the care of their home...even if I decided to stay behind!

There is this person, you guys probably know of her - she happens to be somewhat of a superhero. She’s the most ambitious, strong, and steadfast of any woman I have heard of. She has the ability to see the truth behind the drama of life, the perseverance of someone within a 1820’s wagon train, and the ability to shoulder two Homer buckets full of fryer oil down a flight of attic stairs at Topher’s Restaurant. That super hero, my super hero is Stephanie.

When my daughter Salem was born, Stephanie came to my aid straight away, no questions asked, and wouldn’t accept no for an answer. She stayed with us for weeks, she put the rest of the baby gear together, mowed the lawn, bought groceries, helped me learn how to be a new mother and basically gave me the confidence that I could it - that I could be a mom! She even helped me negotiate a wardrobe on account of the new enormity of my anatomy, giving me that “only a best friend can help” pep talk all the way to the changing room. Needless to say, I owe her - big time.

Getting back to the super hero bit - Stephanie has done more with her life than most people twice her age. She’s put herself though school, a master’s program, held several hard jobs, bought and sold a myriad of vehicles, set her face on fire starting a grill, (I’ll let her tell that story) traveled a huge amount of the world, taught children how to be good people, bought homes, grew gardens, built a deck, got promoted several times over, and has met and fallen for the love of her life, Apollo.

Just when i finally get the spelling down correctly of her last name, Cotsifas...(I know it’s been 20 years and all) she has to go and get married. Even though they are the Greekiest set of Greeks I’ve ever met, at least for my sake, she’s marrying into a family who’s name doesn’t require a lesson in phonetics.

There is no speech I can give, or any comments I can make that can do any justice for what kind of friend, support, and inspiration Stephanie is to me. The only person that knows that as much or more than I do, is Apollo. Today Apollo, you marry my best friend and sister. Together you will spend your lives loving each other, and I can only hope to spend the rest of MY life being the best friend to her as she HAS been and IS to me.

The Internet and Unicorns

2010-07-06T06:04:00.000-07:00

In the car this morning:

her: "Mom, did you know there is no such thing as the internet?"
me: "No, I had not heard that. Here's something interesting, there is too such a thing as the internet."
her: "No, there isn't!"
me: "Well, how do you explain where I go to work everyday? My entire job is maintaining a website hosted on none other than THE INTERNET."
her: "Oh yeah. I meant to say that there is no such thing as unicorns!"

(Um, okay kid. Whatever....)

ps: And according to Mr. Pants, unicorns are extinct due to his belief they were all female. WTF?

People of Helen

2010-07-02T05:46:00.001-07:00

We took Salem tubing up in Helen, GA last week. Before we left, Mr. Pants was performing some quick lawn duties and was swarmed and stung by 8 bees. Despite being wicked uncomfortable, he regained composure and went on with our plans. Kudos!

We met some good friends of ours up there and made a day of it. And boy, what a day it was. I'm about to give you both my take on tubing in Helen and some helpful tips:

1. Never let your young child talk you into manning their own tube without a tether. (I'll explain)
2. Wear shoes. Not flip flops, shoes. I wore some old Vans, and I'm thankful I did.
3. Make sure to eat a MEAL, not a snack before your trip. The water is slow moving and you'll be stranded in a river, starving for 2 hours or more. And if you have one, your child will be starving too.
4. Rest assured that there will be at least 500,000 other people tubing along with you. These people are mostly comprised of N. GA mountain folk, in a nutshell, it's like Wal-Mart but wet. Not only are these folks yelling profanities, but they are mostly drunk, clutching a warm tall-boy can of Coors Light in one hand, while chain-smoking with the other.
5. People, usually drunk people, will fall out of their tubes and just lay in the water. You will run into these people or they will run into you. They are a hazard and a certain liability either way.

Now, back to tethering:
Salem insisted on taking her own tube. The water is only 12" deep in some places and based on my bruised tailbone, is 2" deep in others, and as I said before, slow moving. She certainly could hold her own if she were to fall out. But falling out as we've learned is not the problem. It's hard to stay together while floating down a river while trying our best to dodge the drunk and smoking tubers. The tubes don't come equipped with a rudder, there's no way to steer. You just have to float down at will. Needless to say, Salem and I got separated from bee-stung and swollen Mr. Pants and were left to blindly navigate on our own.

The odds were against us in the event of not coming in contact with one of the drunken smokers. Lo and behold, I came across one, he was just standing in the middle of the river, stumbling around, sans tube. As we approached I called out "Hey! Buddy! Here we come, and we can't steer....hey! Hey buddy! I'm going to run right into you...hey!" He didn't turn, he didn't react, he was clearly hammered. I ran into the backs of his knees and he went down like a fork lift pallet full of Crisco right on my head.

"Eye'm sorrah.....eye, eye, eye'm sorrah!" He repeated in a thick mountain accent. He wouldn't move, he didn't try to get off my head. As we floated on, with obese drunk dude's bum smothering my head and neck, little Salem and I got separated. I could hear her yelling "Mommy, Mommy!!!" With all my PX90-Might I rolled that sack o' potatoes off my head and back in the water, my tube popped up from under my bum only to float swiftly away. In a panic, I clawed my way upstream toward Salem, stumbling on the slimy rocks, pinching my fingers between them. I slipped several times on the uneven river bottom and have the shin and hip bruises to prove it. But we were reunited! She and I shared her kiddie tube and continued on our journey.

A little way down the river, dependable Mr. Pants was patiently waiting for us, holding my run-a-way tube.We found a tether strap from another abandoned tube, he tied Salem and I together and all was good in the world.

We enjoyed the last hour of our river ride, feeling a little less nervous about losing each other. My only concern was getting one of my eyeballs burned out by some drunken redneck's cigarette.

Wedding!

2010-07-01T08:53:00.000-07:00

My best friend, Stephanie is getting married in one week. I am humbled to be her maid of honor and have been looking forward to sharing this experience with her, her family and our friends. To say that I'm excited would be an understatement!

Her colors for her wedding are shades of violet, yellow, and black. In keeping within this motif, I thought it'd be appropriate to find a cute violet dress for Salem to wear. It turned out to be one of the cutest little dresses I've seen, not to mention it makes my little princess shine. She is just lovely!

Toy Story 3

2010-06-28T07:23:00.001-07:00

Salem and her good buddy Gabrielle from school went on a "super-cool-movie-date" as Salem called it. While preparing for her movie date, Salem was enthusiastic about organizing the materials for her outfit; the uniform she calls her "Spy Suit".

I have no recollection of where said "Spy Suit" came from, I'm assuming it came from the myriad of hand-me-downs we've collected over the years. But, on closer inspection I realized that this outfit is actually a Junior Girl Scout uniform, as the shirt has little 'G's and is that official Girl Scout Green.When I made that 'ah-ha' connection between the odd outfit and it being cut of the Girl Scout cloth, Salem was devastated.
"Mom! No, no. My spy suit is NOT a Girl Scout uniform! Quit saying that!"
me: "Sal, I'm sorry, but that's what all those little 'G's stand for on the shirt. But, we can make up a different meaning for the 'G's."
her: "OK! I'll tell my friend Gabrielle that they are 'G' for Gabrielle!!"

Above: This is an old school Junior Girl Scout uniform I found. It's not the Spy Suit, but you get the idea.

From the movies, Gabrielle's mother sent me a photo of the girls posing in front of the Toy Story 3 marquee. Note that she has to put at least one pink item on, even with her Spy Suit. I love the Nichole Richie head-cocked-with-pointed-toe pose. Cute yes, but not very spy-like.

A review of my art at the Righteous Room

2010-06-24T18:09:00.001-07:00

http://hanvance.wordpress.com/2010/06/24/ashley-norfleet-at-the-righteous/

Sweet! Someone actually took the time to review my work. Wurd!

My little Dust Mite

2010-06-24T10:09:00.001-07:00

We've been shooting tons of videos at work lately. Salem had volunteered enthusiastically to star in one of her very own. In this video, she speaks candidly about dust mites and allergies:
Dust Mites Uncovered!

Monkey Mail

2010-06-15T10:12:00.001-07:00

This never gets old...I could spend all day creating messages but I thought this one would be funny for Salem: Salem's Monkey Message

Squeeze

2010-06-08T14:23:00.001-07:00

My daughter just informed me:

"Mommy, I love you sooooo much I don't even know how hard to squeeze you!"

Liquid Lortab

2010-06-08T13:39:00.000-07:00

We are back from the hospital to recover from her adenoidecomy. So far, she has eaten an entire can of Wolfgang Puck's Chicken and Dumpling Soup, 2 bottles of Gatorade, a half a bag of goldfish, two peppermint patties, a popsicle, and a pudding cup.

The meds she was given to make her "relax" before surgery made for a pretty memorable experience. She turned to her dad and said "Dad! Your Face! I want to pull it off! Then she said, "Things keep shooting out of my eyeballs!!"

Salem did well during the procedure, her doc said her adenoids were as large as his thumbs--poor kid couldn't breathe at all through her nose. In the recovery room, she had quite a bit of mucus and a bad case of 'the gags', but we made it out of there within an hour post-op.

Apparently, kiddie Lortab will push a gal back into full throttle, Salem is completely wacked out right now and doing just fine. Does this look like the face of a child who has had surgery 8 hours ago?:

Preping My Kiddo For Surgery

2010-06-07T05:56:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the big day for Salem, as she'll be going in for surgery for her adenoid removal. I'm excited for her to finally be able to breathe with ease and sleep soundly, the way any 5 year old should be allowed to do so.

However, I am super nervous about her going under, as this is her first time. When I was a child about her age, I had my tonsils removed. I remember the scent of the gas they used to anesthetize me, the funny 12-sizes too large open-backed gown I had to wear, and the little boy obsessed with the Incredible Hulk with whom I shared the hospital room with; but oddly that is all.

Later, after I had been sent home to recover, I had issues. Due to the horrible soreness in my throat, I refused to drink or eat, lying to my parents that I had filled up at a neighbor's house or fibbing to my sitter that I had a huge breakfast at home. This little trick landed me an additional stay in the hospital for dehydration. Weeks after I returned from the hospital, my parents watched me like hawks when I put any liquids to my lips to ensure every ounce was consumed. I disliked that, as who wants to drink a whole glass of lemonade or milk in one gulp? I blame them for my affinity for shooters during my first few years of college.

I'm hoping to use what I've learned from my own experience to prevent said complications during Salem's recovery. I realize that she'll have an uber sore throat and I will need to provide nourishment that is both soothing and full of nutrients. With that said, I'm off to the store to gather ingredients for chicken soup popsicles and plenty of Gatorade ;)

Happy 60th, Mom

2010-06-01T19:07:00.001-07:00

Salem and I made my mother, who would have been 60 years old today, a big birthday cake. She chose to make a chocolate cake with white frosting and sprinkles. She thought it would be pretty swell to add little "princess hearts, stars, and swirls".

You know what the funny part is? I don't even eat cake and Salem just licks the frosting off the baked goodness, leaving it shiny as a billiard ball. So...who wants cake?

Long Distance Call

2010-05-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

I called Salem last night to see how things were going down at Camp Pensacola:

"Hi Mommy!"
me: "Hey Salem! I miss you! Have you been having fun?"
her: "Yes I HAVE! Mamae hasn't made me wear tights!"
me: "Well, it's summertime. You only wear tights in the winter when it's cold."
her: "Mom, I opened my suitcase and saw you put in NEW CLOTHES!!"
me: "Yes, I wanted to surprise you. Did you find those cute jean shorts?"
her: "Yes, I did! I'm wearing them right now and they ARE cute! You packed so many clothes for me, I can put on new outfits all the time!"

pause

her: "Hey mommy - can you come down here a little early?"
me: "I'm leaving Atlanta at 2:00 on Friday, I'll be there before bedtime!"
her: "Good deal mommy. Did you pack me any animals?"
me: "Yes, you have two stuffed animals in the front zippered suitcase pocket, go check!"
her: "Oh thank you mommy! Hey - Can you bring down something very important when you come?"
me: "er...yes...what is it?"
her: "I'd like about 2 or 3 Barbies. I'm going to need those right away when you get here."
me: "No problem. I'll get right on that to be sure I have them ready for you when I hit Floridian soil!"
her: "What?"
me: "I love you and I'll see you soon!!"
her: "I love you too mommy...um, I hope you're not putting my Barbies in soil."
me: "I'm not. Me hitting Floridian soil is a figure of speech."
her: "Don't say 'Figure of Speech' to me!"
me: "10-4 good buddy...see you on Friday!"
her: "Okay!"

You know you're in Florida When...

2010-05-25T11:35:00.001-07:00

Look out! A gator!

Salem and Mamae visited a shark museum today. Looks like Salem feels quite at home with some of the props...I even had to do a double take on this one!

Camp Pensacola

2010-05-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

Salem is visiting her grandparents in Pensacola for the week. She's in good hands, but I can't help but miss her. Here's how I feel about it:

No, I haven't been crying, my eyes are just puffy like that! (getting old sucks)

Nekkid Dad

2010-05-20T18:37:00.001-07:00

At bedtime, like many parents, we have a story reading ritual. I read the classic story of Hansel and Gretel to Salem almost once a week. The wonderfully illustrated book belonged to me when I was a kid. The story of the abandoned children and the horrifying witch always both frightened and fascinated me as a wee lass. As for Salem, she just adores the story. It helps that I put on the scary witch voice when I read it - as kids LOVE a good healthy scare.

Last night as the story was coming to an end, when Hansel and Gretel were running back to their father's cottage free from the witch's clutches; Salem yelled out and stopped me in mid-sentence.

"Mom! Oh my gosh!"
me: "What's wrong?"
her: "That DAD!"
She pointed furiously at the illustration of the father, arms wide open, in the distance racing out of his country cottage toward his beloved lost children.
me: "What about him?"
her: "He's uh...he's uh....HE'S A NEKKID DUDE!"
me: "Wha? No he can't be...."
Upon closer inspection, sure enough. The dad appeared to be completely nude in the drawing. He's super tiny, only about a half inch tall and not exactly in full focus...but most certainly full-on nude.

me: "My gosh! He IS naked! Ha!
her: "Yeah, I KNOW! That is soooooo funny! I never noticed this nekkid dude ever before!'
me: "You know? I've had this book for over 30 years and I've never noticed either!"
We laughed and laughed about it for a few moments then settled down. I turned the light out and tucked her in. After I kissed her good night her parting words were:

"I bet those kids were like 'uh - what's dad doing all naked by himself at home all day?' I bet those kids thought that was kinda weird."

I left it at that.

Creation According to a 5 Year Old

2010-05-17T07:54:00.001-07:00

I was preparing to put Salem in the shower when she turned to me and proceeded with this elaboration:

"Mom?"
me: "What's up?"
her: "You know that God created us from wood?"
me: "Interesting...Would you care to elaborate?"
her: "Well, he made us from wood in his workshop. Once our bodies were built with wood, then he painted us. After that, he sanded us down, and sanded and sanded again until we were really smooth."
me: "Really, now..."
her: "Yep! That's how he did it!"
me: "Interesting! Now, how do we move around if we're just really smooth wood? Wood can't bend, right?"
her: "Well, if you're having a hard time trying to understand how it works, think about how conditioner works in your hair...

(what?! I'm just going to let her keep on rolling with this one -)

you shampoo your hair and then you wash it out. Then, you get the white conditioner and rub it in really good. This makes your hair really smooth and silky, right?"
me: "That's right."
her:"You can also make your hair silky by brushing it a bunch."
me: "True. But how does this explain how God makes us out of wood?"
her: "oh, yeah. I almost forgot....er, I have no idea!"

Slack - letter from the editor

2010-05-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I've been slack in regard to posting on this page. The truth is, my daughter has just not been producing good quality humor and although I've been accused of it, I can't make that stuff up on my own.

Bringing you up to speed:
Yesterday, Salem and I were juicing lemons to make our own lemonade. We juiced about 6 lemons with an old fashioned citrus juicer. To my surprise, she really got into it, even eating and enjoying lemon slices along the way.

We sipped our yummy lemonade while eating hamburgers on the deck, finishing the night by watching a movie.

Returning us to the initial subject of slack; Salem had Rice Krispies this morning. After she had her breakfast, she came into my room to make an accusation:

"Mom? Did somebody (she uses the term 'somebody' when she wants to place blame on me without the actual act of placing blame on me. Smoke and mirrors.) put lemon drops in my Krispies?"
me: "Uh, no. Why would I do that?"
her: "Well, they were lemony! I like the lemon taste, but it got kinda yucky toward the end."

I thought to myself - It must be that there was a kid-cup of lemonade left on the counter from last night. She must have mixed it into her cereal. Kids do that all the time....

I went into the kitchen to clean up breakfast when I noticed the milk had an April 30th expiration date on it...Yeah, she had sour milk this morning. I'm an awesome mom.

Girl Scouts

2010-05-10T10:28:00.000-07:00

Saturday marked the last day of girl scouts for the year. I had a great time being a co-leader of Salem's troop, the girls were good and often times they were just a silly bunch. Salem's favorite parts about girl Scouts: The snack we serve at the meetings - which if it's cupcakes, she just licks the frosting off the top. Second: The study of the other girls' baby tooth loss - she is fascinated by this. Unfortunately, Salem, like both her parents, is going to lose her baby teeth much later than everyone else.

Birthday!

2010-05-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

Mr. Pants and Stephanie had a plan to surprise me for my birthday. I was certainly surprised. She was sitting on my couch when I got home from work on Friday! We had a great weekend and a great party. Thank you both for rockin' it hard! Love you lotta lotta!