Jess Riley Writes

Now Presenting: Leslie Lehr

2013-05-06T13:06:00.001-05:00

I'm so happy to have the luminous, TALENTED Leslie Lehr on the blog today to celebrate the release of her latest novel, What a Mother Knows: an unsettling, emotional and suspenseful novel of the unshakable bonds of motherhood, in which Michelle Mason not only loses her memory after a deadly car crash, but can't find her 16-year-old daughter, the one person who may know what happened that day. But the deeper Michelle digs, the more she questions the innocence of everyone, even herself. A dramatic portrayal of the fragile skin of memory, What a Mother Knows is about finding the truth that can set love free.

NYT Bestselling author Caroline Leavitt called it an "achingly moving suspense drama. Dark and unsettling, but with a ray of hope like a splash of light, and a knockout ending you won't see coming."

Leslie has stated that it will be a few years before her next novel is available, so savor this one--I know I plan to!

1) What inspired you to write What a Mother Knows?

When my daughter was in middle school, she started crying at night, every night - and I felt so helpless. I imagined the worst. I wrote an essay called “Parenting Paranoia” that Arianna Huffington excerpted in her book, On Becoming Fearless. But I was still afraid.

Then I had jury duty on a manslaughter case in which two women were suing the driver of a car that crashed into a sports bar and killed their sons. We had to decide on the value of their loss. And so, in the worst of what-ifs, I started worrying about what my daughter’s value was to me, who I was without her…and how far would I go to protect her.

2) Who are some of your author idols?

Different novelists inspire me for different reasons. Starting out, I idolized Carolyn See, Margaret Atwood. and Isabelle Allende. I love current authors who combine beautiful language with solid storytelling, like Leslie Schwartz and Carolyn Leavitt. I love Jane Porter for writing as if she’s my best friend telling me a story. I like Heather Gudenkauf and Jillian Medoff for sucking me into their worlds and making me race to the end. I love Megan Abbot for being so snarky and Megan Crane and Emily Griffin for making me smile. And I’m loving all the authors in the Girlfriends Group Book Club – so much diversity and talent like you, Jess, in this one group, it’s hard name everyone! I do favor women authors, not just because I can relate, but also because I do think it’s harder to carve out writing time, let alone a career.

3) What teenage memory makes you cringe?

Tumbling down the stairs in front of my first date and his hunky big brother, who was driving us to the Eighth Grade Dance. My girlfriend sewed a new dress for me - a short flowered number – and I had a new pair of platform shoes that I forgot to buckle. I’d been crushing on this boy for months and was so excited that he asked me instead of a girl with bigger boobs. I thought I’d make a grand entrance when he arrived, and did I ever. He ended up being my boyfriend all through high school, but I could never look his big brother in the eye.

4) Are you a cat or dog person?

Both. I adopted a cat and named him Puppy when I started out on my own, because my apartment didn’t take dogs. My younger daughter had several kittens - Buttercup, then Cupcake - a friend asked of number three would be named Cup ‘O Soup. But they died tragically, so my older daughter adopted a black lab and named her Scout after the girl in To Kill a Mockingbird. When she left for college, I was traveling a lot, so we gave her to a family with another dog to play with. (We see happy pics of her on Fb all the time.) Both of my girls made up for it by adopting dogs as soon as they moved out after high school. It drives me crazy, but they love those dogs, so what can I do?

5) What advice do you have for aspiring authors?

1. Read!

2. Love the process, that’s all you have control of.
3. Lock your refrigerator.
4. Write something good enough to make your family proud, but don’t let the thought of your family stop you from writing something good.

6) If you could have any super power, what would it be?

I would like to zap my kids from afar to be happy and safe all the time.

~~~~
Isn't she lovely? Leslie is a prize-winning novelist, screenwriter, and essayist; What a Mother Knows is her third novel. She's also incognito as "Chemo Chick" in Karen Rinehart’s breast cancer blog, Sick of Pink. Book clubs, Leslie would LOVE to Skype with you after you read What a Mother Knows! (Which you're going to do, right???) She's got a beautiful website (www.leslielehr.com); you can also find her on Facebook (www.facebook.com/authorleslielehr) and Twitter (@leslielehr1).

Gearing Up

2013-04-14T13:44:00.000-05:00

If you're an avid reader of this blog (stop laughing), you may have noticed a few changes to the layout. Yes, things are happening! A new header is in the works, and I'm also going to tackle my disaster of a website in the next few months.

Spring cleaning, yes, but also because I'm gearing up to launch Mandatory Release this July. *breathes into a paper bag* I have cover art, and I am DYING to share it with you all....soon enough. Julie Metz designed it, and guys: she did the cover for Judy Blume's Summer Sisters. Recognize any other names in her portfolio? She's amazing, amazing. More on this soon...

Mandatory Release is "officially" my third novel, but I actually started it fourteen years ago, under a different title, with a different plot and different characters. I've read the opening chapter at several book events years ago, so some of you may remember it.

I don't know if other authors are like this, but my novels feel sort of like my children; I always worry, at least a little, when I release them into the big, wide world. But with Driving Sideways and All the Lonely People, I felt they could take any kind of heat. Strangely, the book with the toughest setting and darkest themes and most vulnerable, honest, and raw characters is the book I'm most protective of. It's the book closest to my heart. It's the book that felt like opening a vein and bleeding onto the page.

Mandatory Release features my favorite character ever; if you liked Driving Sideways, I basically took Leigh Fielding, gave her a spinal cord injury, a crush on a coworker, mild anger issues, and a job in a prison. Oh, and I made her a guy. Okay, that sounds a little weird. But I think you're going to like Graham. He's got a sick sense of humor, lots of hope, and lots of heart.

It's a crazy mash-up of dick lit and women's fiction, written in alternating POV chapters. Maybe my tagline can be, "Throws like a girl, writes like a boy." My editor said it reminded him of Tom Perrotta, and I had to lie down when I heard that because The Wishbones is only one of my FAVORITE BOOKS EVER.

So. New author photo next week. Cover reveal soon. Blog and website overhaul underway. Final copyedits in process.

If you're in the Appleton, WI area this Wednesday April 17, I'll be at the Little Chute Public Library at 6:30 pm, for the Fox Cities Book Festival. I'm not sure what exactly I'll be talking about, but bring some questions--let's play "Ask Me Anything!" (Er, sort of.)

Sneak Peek: Yesterday I created a playlist featuring songs that would be my soundtrack for Mandatory Release. There's one key song that I didn't include, because if I did, I'd give a huge plot point away. I was all proud of how I figured Spotify out until I saw that a few songs didn't make it over on the embed, so you'll just have to pretend "Pursuit of Happiness" by Kid Cudi, MGMT, and Ratatat is there. Also, if anyone wants to make MR into a movie? I always thought "Vaya Con Dios" by Les Paul and Mary Ford would be a fun backdrop to a riot scene. Just sayin'.

Bad School Musical

2013-04-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

Spring is in the air, and for me that means Grant Crunch Season: late nights, poor personal hygiene, sleepless nights, and the attention span of a cricket born in a fuel refinery.

When I was a kid, I liked spring a lot more. Except for our spring concerts. Every year, my entire elementary school put on an all-school musical in the gymnasium. The themes changed annually. When I was in second grade, we sang “Up, Up, and Away” and “The Trolley Song” for a transportation-themed musical, because there’s probably nothing more exciting for young girls than singing about cars, planes, trains, trucks, boats, and motorcycles. The next year my class dressed up like ragamuffin orphans to sing “It’s a Hard-Knock Life” for the school’s version of Annie. We did The Sound of Music in fourth grade, Peter Pan in fifth grade.

It was during that performance that the second-ugliest picture of me ever was taken. Look at this!

Music Teacher: “Hey kid, you have a nice, fat head and look like a prepubescent boy. Want to be Captain Hook?”

Me: “Sure! I’ve always wanted to wave around a plastic hook hand while singing an off-key solo before a hot, crowded gymnasium full of parents forced to sit on hard, metal folding chairs. I'm going to look so awesome in that hat!”

The next year could have been somewhat redeeming. Our sixth grade class (the far-flung Eden Elementary contingent) would meet all the other sixth grade classes from Campbellsport at the annual 6th Grade Spring Camp experience--sort of a “meet & greet” before they threw us together in the junior high blender the next school year.

And we were sure to make a great first impression with our medley of Beach Boy tunes.

We earnestly practiced for weeks. Everyone had a part to play. Me? I pretended to ride in a car, bopping my head and doing some kind of hand motions to “California Girls” with three other kids from my class. We sounded awesome. We were so psyched. The day of the camp performance arrived, and we donned our surfer shorts, pastel tops, Swatch watches, leis, and dorky smiles. Each song had a carefully choreographed dance routine, accompanied by piano. Jazz hands may have been involved.

The other sixth grade classes? Lip-synched to Bon Jovi in acid-washed jean jackets and sunglasses. They were accompanied by a boom box and somehow, a kick-ass laser show. No one was told to smile. No one flashed jazz hands, but there may have been some rudimentary break-dancing.

Afterwards, we felt as if a trick had been played. At least I did. I’d spent years lip-synching into the mirror in my bedroom, only to never have the opportunity to publicly display my talents. Lip-synching was actually an option? As was maintaining some sort of cool factor in the critical weeks before the first day of seventh grade?

Also, it’s a miracle none of us were beaten.

Fast-forward two years to the eighth grade spring chorus concert. I vaguely recall singing a bunch of shitty rock songs (“R.O.C.K. in the USA” comes to mind), and the show was to close with a stirring rendition of White Lion’s “When the Children Cry.” All of us were supposed to sit on the edge of the stage, our legs dangling into the void before the front row—to make it more profound or intimate, maybe, or so the audience would have more difficulty seeing us…it’s hard to say. Our chorus teacher revealed the true extent of some childhood head injury when he said to us, “Everyone! Idea! Find a small child to bring with you for our final performance. The kids are going to sit on your laps while you sing ‘When the Children Cry.’”

Luckily, I had a three-year-old sister, so I was set. Others begged to borrow children from babysitting clients. Some classmates simply couldn't find a kid to sit on their lap for the song and were summarily banished to the edges of the line-up, which made the rest of us hugely jealous and resentful. I can tell you laps were urinated on, and children actually did cry. Beyond that, I've suppressed most of the memory.

Behind the Music: every kid in that class (one of two required electives--it was that or band) had to select and sing a SOLO in front of THE WHOLE 8th GRADE CHORUS CLASS that semester. And when I say "every kid," I mean every kid: the jocks, the nerds, the farm boys, the cheerleaders, the burnouts, the shy bookworms, ALL of us in our awkward, tuneless, voice-cracking, middle school glory. By the time we'd selected our Top 40 sheet music, practiced at the piano with Mr. Krumbein, and actually sung the fucker into a microphone before nearly fifty of our peers, a kid peeing on your lap during a White Lion song sounded great by comparison.

In case you were wondering, I picked "Heaven" by Bryan Adams. I made my friend Pam sing "The Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics, and I still can't believe what an evil bastard I was back then.

More Home Reno, Before and After

2013-03-23T11:38:00.001-05:00

Last year was a big year for remodeling at our house. In the winter of 2011-12, we gutted our second floor and rebuilt it from the studs up, moving walls and creating a bathroom that didn't make guests recoil in horror.

Then, because we hadn't yet had enough, we took on two more projects last summer. I haven't posted the Before and After photos yet (something about a book release and five grants due in a few weeks or whatever), but I'm finally getting around to it.

As some of you know, our house was built in 1885, long before things like electrical and plumbing codes or symmetry and safety existed. Our primary entrance does not lead you to a foyer, because that would make too much sense. Instead, you open the front door and land right in the kitchen. Which has FIVE doors: to the back hall, upstairs, downstairs bathroom, the porch, and the living room. When we finally tackle our kitchen remodel, this will actually make our job easier, because there's only so much room to put new cabinets when you have five freaking doors and two windows in a small room shaped like a box.

But back to my story. So you arrive at my house. The first thing I used to say when I took your coat was, "Welcome to the hovel!" The second thing I still say is, "She only pees when she's really excited. Sorry about that."

When you turn to your right, you enter the living room, which until last summer looked like this (minus the furniture):

Teeny-tiny. And don't you just love the blue carpet? It was probably installed in the early seventies--a used remnant from some shagadelic van. When it got really humid and hot in summers, it would smell like moldy, rotting death.

This used to be my office. Without the desk, you can get more of a feel for the delightful, stained orange carpet, which was a nice contrast to the blue in the adjacent living room. I don't know what that big black blob in the upper left-hand corner of the photo is--it's either my thumb, or the ceiling finally caving in. Last winter I was showing some friends a funny video on the computer in that room--the video of the mullet guy playing "Careless Whisper" on sax? Anyway, at one point one of them looked up and asked me, "Uh, is this safe?" I honestly had no answer to that. We're all lucky to be alive.

In May, the contractor who'd worked on our second story emailed again, offering a deal if we had a project for him. Did we ever! Let's start by tearing up the carpet (put your gas masks on) and blasting the wall out between the living room and office. Don't forget to fix the ceiling! We took everything down to the studs again--all new plaster. So purty.

Did I mention we don't have a basement, so our furnace was in a little closet in the old office? Oh well, no basement means no flooding! And no place for J to arrange his ugly beer can collection!

Things are progressing. Look, new window trim, paint on the walls, and a fun light fixture! Also, holy damn am I sick of painting!

At the same time, we hired a crew to dig up our backyard and install a patio. There's pretty much no lawn to mow now.

I read Gone Girl in the chair in the upper right-hand corner.

And here's the living room After. No more blue or orange carpeting!

This couch is the best ever. J's already making impressive progress on his Indent.

My old Hope Chest, which my Dad used to call my "Hopeless Chest." My Godfather made it for me out of pews from the church in which I was baptized. (Sidebar: Isn't "pew" a funny word?)

Still trying to figure out what to hang over the TV. Daisy is barking at her Nemesis in this shot.

Maybe next year we'll tackle our kitchen and downstairs bathroom--the only two rooms in the house that have yet to be touched. And boy howdy do they need help! The floor beneath the toilet is squishy, and it's so close to the oven you can watch garlic bread brown under the broiler if you pee with the door open. *Pukes* Also, the linoleum has more peaks and valleys than Appalachia. Also, Daisy used to snack on it as a puppy. So stay tuned. This house, like life, is always a work in progress.

I Shouldn't Have Had That V8

2013-03-16T11:04:00.000-05:00

Was what I was thinking last night while I tossed and turned and watched the clock tick into the wee hours of the morning.

Well, the spicy V8 and all those pickles. I could feel all the sodium chugging through my veins, raising my blood pressure, desiccating my cells and turning my tongue into a dehydrated apple slice.

I guess I'm getting to that age, where sodium intake is a concern. *sigh*

Anyway, there are three things rattling around my head today:

(1) I met with several fantastic book clubs in the last few weeks and had so much fun. Two of them included members who were friends/acquaintances with two of my HUGE author crushes, Lauren Fox and Shannon Olson. Lauren will actually be attending the May meeting of one of the clubs, and I immediately started thinking of ways to pressure them to invite me as well, if only so I could sit behind Lauren and pet her hair. (Just kidding, Lauren! Maybe.)

It's like when you're in a decent-ish local band, shooting the shit with some fans, and one of them casually mentions that their next-door neighbor is Adele (or Geddy Lee from Rush, depending on your musical inclinations).

(2) Still in the major weeds at work. I have four Federal grant proposals due by mid-April, plus one outlier for a client in West Virginia (mountain mama, take me home....). It's the time of year I pay the piper for my summer off--but every year, I feel like I get through our crazy time by the skin of my teeth. These grants HAVE to be submitted, or I don't have a job. So you just pray there are no family emergencies, or funerals, or trips to the Emergency Room. (See you in May, loved ones!)

(3) I like to totally stress myself out, so I am also doing some behind-the-scenes work on Mandatory Release and prepping for three speaking gigs in the next two months. I'll be getting a new author photo soon, so I should probably stop eating all this salt or I'll look like Juanita the Ice Maiden.

Presenting Sam Wilde: I'll Take What She Has

2013-03-02T17:55:00.002-06:00

I'm so excited to have Samantha Wilde on the blog today to discuss her new novel, I'll Take What She Has. Sam is such a sweetheart, and isn't that the most adorable baby on the cover?? I'd buy it based on the cover alone (but the story inside is wonderful, too!)

Tell us about your new novel. What inspired you to write it?

Here’s a brief synopsis: Best friends since kindergarten, Nora, a reserved English teacher, and Annie, an out-spoken stay-at-home mother, wrestle with the green-eyed monster when the new history department hire at the suburban Boston prep school where they teacher, Cynthia Cypress, arrives on campus. A missing grandmother, a depressed sex therapist, and a financial crisis add to the comedy in a novel about imperfect friendships, mixed up families, the messiness of motherhood, and the quest for the greenest grass.

My running joke about this book is that I wrote a novel about envy and had to do extensive research! I really didn’t need to look much farther than my own grassy yard to come up with the felt experience of the novel. I started with three women, Annie, Nora and Cynthia. The novel, which underwent years of extensive revisions under three separate editors, has morphed almost completely since I first plotted the story. The heart of it, the meat of it, concerns friendship and motherhood and how envy changes both of these things—and changes the women, too. The book explores the idea that envy can eventually change someone into something better.

Book readings, signings, and events: tell us one wonderful memory and one awkward one.

When my first novel, This Little Mommy Stayed Home, released, I had a book launch at the amazing independent store, Odyssey Books. Because I’ve lived in this area for so long and have taught yoga to so many people, serving as a minister to others, a large crowd gathered. At the end of the night, the owner had to turn a friend away without a book. She had sold out all the copies of my novel and told me that in all her years that had never happened before! (I didn’t sell out, by the way, for my book launch of I’ll Take What She Has on Wednesday night and I tried not to be disappointed!)

Around the same time, I went with my mother, novelist Nancy Thayer, to do a book signing in Connecticut. When we arrived, the most amazing, enormous arrangement of flowers greeted us. My wonderful Aunt had sent them and they were clearly meant for two important, famous, awesome novelists. Then, we had about three people attend the talk! It was a beautiful, sunny July day after three weeks of rain…still, it can be hard. We had a lovely time with our three audience members and our flowers. I wanted to have an event equal to the flowers. Only in hindsight could I see what really mattered: spending that time with my mother.

How do you unwind after a horribly stressful day?

A good book. A good book can fix everything. I find reading so relaxing and healing and restorative. On a really bad day, after the children go to sleep, I might put on my pajamas early and dive into my bed. I really love my bed. My husband makes fun of me, but I get a lot of pleasure from hanging out in bed (reading, people, that’s all I meant!). Talking to friends also, the kind of long, meandering conversations I can’t have when children are awake. I often end my day on my bedroom floor with some gentle yoga poses, sometimes listening to an uplifting podcast. Also: curling up beside my husband, knowing I have chocolate in my cupboards, watching my children sleep.

What advice do you have for your fifteen-year-old self?

I love that question. I’ve been thinking about it lately because a friend who started babysitting for us at twelve has just turned eighteen! I thought about what I would like to tell her if I could speak candidly. I would say the same to her as to my younger self: You are precious. You may not feel it, but you are. Live with a sense of your own value. Know, regardless of how others may treat you, that you are deeply loved. At fifteen, I struggled so much with wanting beauty and thin thighs and the adoration of boys. I wish I could pull that girl into my arms and give her a piece of the satisfaction I have now—much of which came through motherhood—from simply being myself.

What’s next from you?

The laundry. Then sweeping up underneath the kitchen table. I have to unpack the duffle bag from our trip last week and try to locate the playroom floor underneath the toys. But that’s probably not what you had in mind! Right now, I’ve got my whole focus on getting I’ll Take What She Has into the world. I call it the “little book that could” because of all the editorial changes it survived. I’ve put my third novel on the back burner; it’s there though, patiently waiting. I have two memoir books I’d love to finish. I wouldn’t mind another child either…. Probably what I should do is finish my cup of tea, floss my teeth, and go to sleep. Sometimes, what’s next is so ordinary!

~~~

Thanks, Sam! For more on Sam and her books, visit her Facebook page, her website, and check out the terrific book trailer for I'll Take What She Has.

Housekeeping

2013-02-21T14:37:00.000-06:00

I'm blogging at the Girlfriends Book Club tomorrow at noon EST on how to decide whether going indie is right for you. You could also go rogue or go crazy. Whatever flips your skirt.

I hate to turn stupid comment verification back on, but I've been getting bombarded with spam comments lately, so bear with me. I know most of you aren't robots or cubicle spam slaves in a third world country, but you know how it is.

AND, posting may be light these days, because I'll be drowning in a pit of grants until late April ... but if anything amusing happens, you'll be among the first to hear it.

In the meantime, think spring! Daylight Saving Time is almost here, and the car in my clock will only be 32 minutes slower again in a matter of days.

Shiny Happy People Everywhere....

2013-02-18T07:00:00.000-06:00

February is always such a dreary month; but in just over thirty days, the first day of spring arrives. Despite the sagging, crusty piles of snow on every curb, the days are getting longer. You KNOW it won't be long before you can open your windows to air the place out. Dandelion fluff on the breeze and the first bike ride of the season aren't far behind.

There are lots of hopeful, optimistic things happening this month:

One of my dearest single friends goes on a date with "her dream guy" this Wednesday night. They have one of my favorite meet-cute stories ever: she volunteered to give a presentation to his 8th grade social studies class (and she claims she was all nervous and sweaty, which I don't believe for a second)...great conversation ensues...nervous follow-up phone call from him: "Thanks for coming to talk to my students; um, you forgot all the Jolly Ranchers you brought." Which is basically the same as saying, "I enjoyed meeting you and hope to hear from you again." Don't you think??? Two more emails are exchanged, and time is spent deciphering meaning. Fast-forward to Friday night, and a friend and I are practically shouting at her: "CALL HIM BACK AND ASK HIM OUT!!!!!!" So she did, and they have a date! It's like a real-life romantic comedy. She totally deserves a happily-ever-after, and I am dying to hear how the date goes.

Another friend, one of my best college pals, brings home her new adopted daughter this Friday. I am incredibly thrilled for her and her family, and can't wait to meet the little peanut.

J found out his job will NOT be outsourced, and he will actually be given a slight promotion. I think you could hear my sigh of relief in Algeria.

I have five big grants due in mid-April; while they'll keep me crazy-busy, I enjoy working with these clients and I'm incredibly grateful for the work. (Given the dysfunction in D.C., I wasn't sure the Department of Education would have ANY money with which to award grants this season...)

One of my close friends undergoes drastic surgery this week, but I am so hopeful that this will put her on a solid road to recovery, and that she'll be feeling strong and ass-kicking again soon. (N? I have a feeling there will be kale casseroles and obnoxious humor in your future. You have been warned.)

I got to spend yesterday with the cutest kids in the world. We went out for frozen yogurt, and my five-year-old nephew informed me that "You should be grateful for the ice cream, because of where it comes from." (My sister: "Where does it come from, honey?") Nephew: mimes the milking of udders with his hands, plus the sound he imagines they'd make: "Psst--psst---psst---psst!"

Finally? I'm placing my order for new plants and seeds and rejoining our CSA today, and I meet with five fantastic book clubs later this month.

(I'll stop now before I break out into an Elton John song....)

Social Me-Me-Media

2013-02-14T07:00:00.000-06:00

I recently read a post on Writer Unboxed by Keith Cronin, about how the Facebook status update or 140-character tweet your favorite author just posted probably went through four drafts and painstaking edits. Because it’s all about professional presentation, consistency, message branding, etc. And then I laughed and cringed because yeah, pretty much.

(Not that I’m anyone’s favorite author; I just try to play one on TV.) But I digress. I even maintain a file called “tweets and FB updates,” and anytime something funny happens I drop it in, tinker around with it, post it somewhere later or not. I’ve only recently been tweeting more, and my attitude toward Twitter has changed from “I’m way too old and cranky for these shenanigans” to “I wonder if anyone will retweet my post about Paul Ryan doing kegels during the #SOTU?”

Deciding what to post is trickier. I have the most fun just being my goofy self. But when I have an author event or book release on deck, I start to really sweat, because I HATE—yes all four capital letters--HATE posting promo stuff. I always imagine people wrinkling their nose or thinking, “Not her again!” or “Yeah, we heard you the first time, Braggy Annoystein.”

It’s fairly safe to assume that if you’ve just seen a post anywhere from me about my books, I’m curled in a ball beneath my desk, sweat beading my upper lip, waiting for my intestines to stop spasming. Two posts down? I nearly DIED after I wrote that.

Because really, it’s great to put the word out that you’ve released something new, or if you’ll be at the Bedford Falls Public Library this Thursday night reading gluten-free haikus or your book is on sale for negative cents this weekend, but then I like to sit back and see what happens organically. Because sometimes on Twitter it feels like I’m running down the midway at the local carnival and everyone’s shouting at me: “Buy my book! Buy my sales tool! Buy now! Buy later! Die penniless and alone in a ditch if you don’t! Aaiiieeeeee!”

So I try to stick to witty shit like, “Sonicare toothbrushes are great, if you always wondered what the noon whistle would sound like going off inside your head.”

OR:

Me: “Wow, did you hear my stomach gurgle?”

J: “It’s the sound of your body turning pizza into poop!” #ValentinesDay #SoRomantic! #married 10years

This is the kind of groundbreaking humor you’re missing when don’t follow me on Twitter.

I recently even went so far as to delete any references to the titles of my books on my Twitter home page. I figure if people find me amusing, they know where to find me (usually here, or eating Feta right from the container in front of American Pickers on my new couch). I’ve never bought a book because of a Twitter post, but I have started to follow other authors more closely because they’re funny, they have interesting things to say, they link to informative articles. It always boils down to relationship-building, doesn’t it? And knowing when to hold ‘em, and when to walk away.

Now PINTEREST, on the other hand...that will have to be a new post. With lots of photos of recipes I'll never make.

Sick of Chocolate, Flowers, and Jewelry?

2013-02-12T07:00:00.000-06:00

Stuffed animals, candlelit dinners, and balloons make you want to puke?

Don't worry, I've got some unconventional Valentine's Day gift ideas for you.

You might consider giving the object of your affection the complete first season of my friend Gail Konop-Baker’s mother-daughter podcast about gender roles and relationships, The G-Spot. Or, buy it for yourself! You know you’re curious. And if you live in the Madison area, it’s basically free if you use the $14 coupon toward a bra and fitting at La Lingerie.

(This is the second time a friend’s project has made me blush on my own blog. Prude, much?)

OR: you can pre-order Sam Pink’s new e-novel Rontel and get a personal sext from him. Seriously.

From amazon: The narrator of Rontel admits “if people had access to my thoughts and feelings, I’d be asked to live on a rock in outer space—one with a long tether to a building in Chicago if any of my friends (just kidding) wanted to come visit.” This man, however, is not a psychotic. He goes shopping with his girlfriend, he has a pet cat, he recognizes a loose hot dog on the floor of the supermarket as the “saddest thing ever.” He is just like you.

Already I feel a scary affinity for this guy, because I too have felt pity for lonely inanimate objects from time to time.

Is this hilarious or gross? I think it's hilarious, even though he looks an awful lot like J's boss. And that mustache HAS GOT TO GO. But he's drinking a soda and posing in a hotel bathtub. He's going to sell a buttload of books with this PR stunt, too.

Closer Than They Appear: So Close it's Already Here!

2013-02-08T06:00:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I was going to wait until closer to V-Day (when we celebrate V-necklines and Venereal Disease) to release my next project, because it's my first LOVE STORY, but I couldn't wait any longer because I am a Human Squee these days. So, I present to you: Closer Than They Appear: a novella plus.

Personal chef Harper and aspiring writer Zach have never met, but they see one another at the same stoplight every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday on their morning commutes. Harper turns left, Zach turns right, and gradually, they each begin to wonder about the person they see every other morning. The person with the smile that could fuel an empty heart for miles.

Reminiscent of Attachments and You've Got Mail, Closer Than They Appear is a charming, sweet hug of a story. A comedy of missed connections that will fill your heart with the wistful hope and secret joy of a nearly impossible crush.

BONUSES: This novella also includes ten vegetarian recipes inspired by Harper and her clients, as well as the actual templates for Festival Bingo, inspired by Zach's roommate Josh.

This project represents a lot of Firsts for me:

First novella. With a plus, no less.

First story written entirely in the third person, past-tense.

First pure romantic comedy without any heavy themes. (Huzzah! says everyone sick of me trying to get all meaningful up in their grille. I’m not sure if “grill” needed an “e” right there, but it looked lonely and boring without it.)

First to be set in my current city. Though I don’t mention Oshkosh by name, landmarks, landmarks, get yer landmarks: South Park, Menominee Park, the UW-Oshkosh student union, Oblio’s, Peabody’s, Pick ‘n Save, Ardy & Ed’s, Tew’s Two Sporting Goods, the lake road, the Victorians on Washington, the quarry with all the inbred deer, the old *ahem* “Pubes” and Hoses sign, even the Target check-out guy in the wheelchair, who is fantastic. (“Hi, if you’re reading this! You’re so efficient and soft-spoken. And please stop looking at me like you know what I’m thinking.”)

First to include recipes. Seriously. And I wrote them all funny-like, to entertain you while you cook. Hope you like tofu and kale! *Collective retching sounds*

First to include bingo cards. Actually, I’m kind of hoping I’ve written the first book EVER to include bingo cards in the appendices, because wouldn’t that be awesome?? Talk about yer landmark!

It also represents some Seconds:

Second to include images. (See also: Driving Sideways)

Second to be written in alternating point-of-view chapters featuring two people who might be in love but don’t know it yet. (See also: Mandatory Release, coming soon!)

Second to have a fabulous cover designed by the exceedingly talented Sarah Hansen of Okay Creations (See also: All the Lonely People)

Thank you for enduring my shameless plug, for reading my blog, for reading my books, if you have...if you haven't, hello! I'm Jess. Can I tell you a story? Wait. First: do you mind swearing and jokes about pubes? No? We're going to get along just fine ...

Work from Home! Assemble Products! Say "Hi" to your Dog!

2013-02-07T08:57:00.000-06:00

When you work at home half the time, it can get a little lonely. Bad habits, like not showering for 36 hours, can form. Also, you talk to yourself. Here are the Greatest Hits from Things I’ve Said Aloud While Working from Home:

“Hi Daisy!”

“Why is my middle toe hot?”

“Daisy, did the mailman come?”

“That doesn’t sound right.”

“Stop barking. There’s nothing to bark at.”

“Hi Daisy! Cuteface! You’re so cute.”

“Who is that?”

“What should I eat for lunch today, Daisy?”

“You’re not supposed to sit there, but I’ll let you, because I know how much you like it.”

“Aw, bellyrubs!”

“Don’t let me eat any more Doritos.”

“Hi peanut! Cutepea!”

“What in the heck is this?”

“Hi Messhead! Fuzzface Cutie!”

“Quiet! Why are you barking? There’s nothing to bark at.”

“Why is there—oh gross, this is a toenail!”

"Who's a good girl? You're the good girl! Yes, you are!"

“Hi Daisy! You’re so cute.”

Recently, someone on Twitter said, “I say hi to my dog like, 600 times a day,” and I laughed so hard, because here is a person who clearly also works at home, writing or spamming or filling in spreadsheets or whatever. Because this is how it works: Anytime you leave the computer, you say hi to your dog, stop to pet her, check the mail, grab a snack, say hi to the dog again, get back on the computer, and yell at her to stop barking at the wind.

Basically, we can conclude two things: 1) working at home is not conducive to personal hygiene. Therefore, we should pity Mr. Riley. 2) People who work from home (i.e. shut-ins) need a pet or two to talk to, just to keep their social skills sharp.

Now Presenting: Lee Adams and A Giveaway!

2013-02-03T22:19:00.000-06:00

I'm so happy to be hosting the lovely, talented Lee Adams on the blog today; I've known Lee for a few years, and she is one of the most gracious, hard-working, generous people you'll ever meet. For starters, she donated a kidney to a loved one.

I've donated canned goods I didn't want all that much to local food drives.

My point is that Lee is fabulous, and we're here today to talk about her heart-tugging debut novel, Strawberry Wine. What's it about?

Ten years have passed since Tanya Smith's last summer at Laurel Lake-the summer of Marie. Today Tanya is a confident, successful music promoter-a far cry from the naïve seventeen-year-old who showed up at the lake full of rosy notions of first love, lifelong friendships, and evenings spent sipping strawberry wine on the shore. That September changed everything, and as far as Tanya is concerned, there's no going back. That is, until a mysterious phone call from Marie's lawyer brings Tanya face to face with the past. Suddenly she finds herself returning to Laurel Lake and to everything she left behind there. Will the dark secret that haunts the lake break her heart all over again? Or will Marie's legacy be the key that unlocks the future Tanya gave up on ten long years ago?

Doesn't that sound like a great story? (It totally is!) And now for some questions:

1) Where did you get the idea for Strawberry Wine?
One of my all-time favorite songs is "Strawberry Wine," sung by Deana Carter and written by Matraca Berg and Gary Harrison. It’s a coming of age song about young summer love. The book doesn’t follow the song, but it definitely was in the back of my mind. And as teenagers, Strawberry Wine was what we were always sneaking. Boones Farm! So it just reminded me of youth, friends, young love, and everything the beginning of the book is about.

2) How do you juggle writing with your day job?
I have Southwest Airlines to thank for a lot of it. I travel with my job and spend a ton of times on Southwest. Once I get to 10,000 feet, I can pull out my “approved electronics!” I found it soothing to write while flying.

3)   Tell us about one of your “most” moments: most humbling, humiliating, gratifying, life-affirming, hilarious … whatever first comes to mind.
It would have to be when I donated my kidney to my brother-in-law. It was humbling, humiliating, gratifying, life-affirming and at times, hilarious! I’m a self-diagnosed hypochondriac so it took everything in me to follow through. But how life changing to save another’s life. Very humbling.

4)   If you could have any super-power, what would it be?
To bring people happiness. I know it sounds trite, but there are so many unhappy people in the world. I hope by writing, I can bring them just a small bit of happiness. If reading something I write makes someone smile, then I’ve done a good job.

5)   Goat cheese: love it or hate it?
Can I say like? Depends on what it’s in but I confess to liking it.

6)   What's next for you?
Writing wise, I’m working on a book called Unlikely Family. It’s been in the process for two years and I’m seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I’m looking forward to seeing what the characters will do in the end.
~~~~~
Thanks, Lee! I'm also looking forward to reading how your characters end the next novel.

Giveaway! Lee is offering a signed copy to one lucky reader; just leave a comment below with your email address and you're entered to win! You have until Wednesday at midnight to enter.

Works in Progress

2013-01-31T13:47:00.001-06:00

Congrats to Kelly and Jess on winning a signed copy of Karen McQuestion's most-excellent latest, Edgewood! And thanks again to Karen for participating, and for her generosity.

I am being sucked into a vortex at work, but I still have a fun surprise for y'all in the next week or two. I also sent the manuscript of the new novel off to my editor, and I feel a little pukey about it. I've been working on this sucker for fourteen YEARS, and I'm still not sure if I'm ready to release it. It's much darker than anything I've ever written before. A twisted, in-your-face mash-up of chick lit and lad lit. And have I mentioned it takes place in a prison? Am I nuts to even think about putting this out there?

People want books that take place in France and Bali and Nantucket ... don't they? And other than Me Before You by Jojo Moyes, I can't think of too many love stories featuring a male lead confined to a wheelchair.

Weirdly, it's become something of a security blanket for me, or an old friend I'll meet for happy hour after a rough day at work. I'll pull the manuscript up on the screen, tinker with some dialogue here, tighten some phrasing there ... Last night I axed three pages entirely and rewrote another small section, but I haven't given much thought to more massive changes, which could be coming down the pike.

If I do pull the trigger on this book, all I can pray is someone says this about it somewhere: "Fans of indie black comedy rejoice! Because I've found the slutty, snarky love child of Chuck Palahniuk and Laurie Notaro."

In the meantime, there is other writing to do, other books to read. AND: I'll be hosting another great author and giveaway this Sunday. More free books to win, kiddos!

Now Presenting: Karen McQuestion (and a giveaway!)

2013-01-27T11:02:00.001-06:00

Karen McQuestion is a fabulous, bestselling Wisconsin author (Yaay Cheeseheads!); she's written three novels for adults, three for teens, and two for kids. You've probably heard of Karen, because she's sold mega-stacks of books and is amazing. If you haven't, here--let me help you out of that bomb shelter and tell you about something called the Internet. I adore her, and am totally fan-girl that she actually talks to me; in fact, she graciously subjected herself to my interview questions below. AND, she's got signed paperbacks of her latest YA, Edgewood, to give away to TWO lucky readers! (Freebookfriday called it "What to read after The Hunger Games.")

1) Tell us about Edgewood. Where did you get the idea?

In the beginning of Edgewood, the main character, Russ Becker, finds himself plagued by insomnia. And the only thing that seems to help is taking late night walks. On one of these walks he witnesses a strange astronomical event and eventually discovers that he’s acquired superpowers.

I can’t be sure, but I think the original idea stemmed from my own insomnia, the difference being that my sleepless nights did not result in superpowers of any kind. Disappointing.

2) What’s one of the biggest differences between writing Young Adult vs. Women’s Fiction?

Since Edgewood is a paranormal, the storyline is far more fantastical than my traditional women’s fiction.

Besides that, I tend to think that the first time you experience something—love, a friend’s betrayal, driving, whatever—it tends to evoke some intense emotions. And since the teenage years have a lot of firsts, it’s a pretty emotionally-charged time. In my opinion, the people who unfairly characterize teenagers as dramatic have forgotten a lot.

Fiction mirrors life, so the intensity of emotion is something I try to keep in mind as I write.

3) What do you find most challenging about the writing life, and how do you cope?

I have to admit that I’m living my dream—I earn a living writing fiction. Me of four years ago would have smacked myself in the head for complaining about anything at this point, so I have to say that my biggest challenge is writing fiction that’s worthy of the wonderful readers I’ve been lucky enough to reach so far.

4) Tell us about one of your “most” moments: most humbling, humiliating, gratifying, life-affirming, hilarious … whatever first comes to mind.

Most humiliating: I once met up with a woman I hadn't seen in over a year and she'd changed her hairstyle drastically--from very long beautiful hair, to an adorable chic short cut.

I spent about ten minutes raving about how cute her haircut was, and saying I'd often thought of doing the same, but never had the courage to go that short.

After babbling on like this for some time, I asked, "So what made you decide to cut it?"

And she said, "I had brain surgery."

Really and truly this did happen. Even now, my face gets red thinking about it. Talk about putting things in perspective...

The bright spot in the whole thing was that the surgery was successful in eliminating her epileptic seizures. (And her hair did look cute.)

5) Name one book you read again and again.

I don’t usually reread books because there are so many books to read and so little time. As a writer I do sometimes flip through writing books for inspiration, notably Stephen King’s On Writing, Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird, and Christopher Vogler’s The Writer’s Journey.

~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks, Karen! Loved your answers, love you...come back and visit another time! Also, that's not me on your front lawn holding a boombox over my head. Nope.

Don't forget to enter to win a signed copy! Just leave a comment below, along with your email address. Entries close Wednesday at midnight. I'm not nearly organized enough to start spamming you, and I don't even have an author newsletter (see: not organized enough), so don't worry about me bugging you now that I have your email.

Puppy Pile

2013-01-25T09:24:00.002-06:00

If, like me, you are a frequent visitor to Cute Overload, you too know that talking porcupines and a magical sanctuary for baby sloths in onesies DO exist. Yesterday a new video was posted that nearly killed me dead. Or in cutespeak, DED.

Can you even believe this? There's obviously some sort of science at work, but who even cares. Puppies! Rotating like a pinwheel!

I'm convinced that there's a huge, unfilled demand for a business we could call Puppy Pile, in which you lie down on the floor and someone lets about ten puppies in at the other end of the room. They all scamper over to you and adorable hilarity ensues. It's like a trip to the spa, only you leave with hives on your face, tangled hair, and a heart brimming with love.

I'd totally pay for an hour of that.

I don't know why, but I've been highly emotional lately. If it's not a cute puppy video making me tear up, it's simply seeing an extremely elderly woman at the grocery store. Just some random 90+ year-old lovely woman, earnestly shuffling along with her cart in her sensible boots and polyester slacks, with a head of hopeful, white curls and there I am, fighting the strong urge to introduce myself to her and ask if she'd like to be my adopted local grandma, if she needs anyone to drive her to her next doctor or hair appointments, if she'd please tell me stories about growing up without television or a car and what a treat it was to get an orange in her stocking at Christmas.

So clearly, the solution to all of this angst was to drink a tumbler of wine and watch The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, have a good, ugly cry, and wake up with a weird, swollen taste bud on the tip of my tongue and a cold sore on my upper lip, a video of which will be coming soon to Ugly Overload.

Oh, great. I think I just got Abreva in my eye. Gotta run.

And...We have a Winner!

2013-01-23T10:36:00.000-06:00

Congrats to Janie Junebug! You win a copy of Suzy Soro's awesome memoir, Celebrity sTalker.

Wow, there were a lot of links in those two sentences. You should click them all! Live on the edge, I always say.

Attention patient bargain-hunters: Tomorrow is a big day for me. And you, maybe! The Kindle version of All the Lonely People will be only 99 cents on Amazon this Thursday and Friday. $0.99!!! But the post-holiday fire sale lasts for two days only. That's less than anything on the dollar menu at McDonald's, and much better for your heart! And thighs--especially if you read it while running on a treadmill.

(But don't do that if you're prone to motion sickness.)

I'm actually part of the "99 cent Post-Holiday Genre Potpourri Event," featuring 14 authors in total. You can check out a list of the participating books on Amazon here. And the official press release here. Load up your Kindle for a few bucks!

If you read this on Saturday and missed the sale, email me and we'll work something out. A consolation prize of sorts.

In other news, I'm putting the finishing touches on a novella, and my day job is heating up. And by "heating up" I mean "will leave me in a straightjacket by July."

Now Presenting: Suzy Soro (and a Giveaway!)

2013-01-18T10:28:00.003-06:00

I've known Suzy almost since I started blogging, and she is truly one of the funniest, kindest, and most interesting people I know. To help celebrate the launch of her new book, Celebrity sTalker, Suzy was gracious enough to be interviewed AND offer a signed copy of her book to one lucky reader!

1) Tell us a bit about how you got started doing comedy. Is this what you always wanted to do "when you grew up?"

One day I watched Bob Hope host the Academy Awards, which he did nineteen times over the course of his career, more than any other host, and my Dad told me Bob also went overseas and performed for the troops. I told Dad I wanted to do that so he asked what my talent was. My talent? There were so many to choose from: sneaking out at night to meet boys, forging my parents’ signatures on report cards, stealing Mars bars from People’s Drugstore.

I eventually wrote, starred in, directed, and produced my first sketch comedy show at the age of 14. It was about toilet paper. It was the beginning of my need to be funny in front of people. Later I would revise that to “My need to be funny in front of people who paid me.”

2) Hecklers: assuming you've had at least one, how do you handle them?

Hecklers are part of a stand-up comic’s world. The worst ones are drunken fools who mistakenly think they’re funnier than the comedian. I always let them yell out stupid stuff for a while and then say, “You sound funny; do you know a good joke?” (YES!) “Would you like to come up here and tell your joke?” (YES!)

The heckler makes their unwitting way to the stage. I ask their name, their occupation and hand over the mic. Then I walk to the back of the stage and stand behind them, where they can’t see me. As the audience silently stares at them, suddenly the heckler or hecklerette realizes how scary it is to face a room full of strangers. They tell their joke and I’ve never seen it fail, the audience doesn’t laugh. That’s when I walk up to them and say, “Looks easier than it is, doesn’t it?”

3) Tell us a comedy high and comedy low from your life.

I was performing in Macedonia during the Bosnian War. That morning, two flyboys had taken the comics up in a Blackhawk helicopter and flown us into no-fly zones over Serbia. At one point they deliberately dropped the helicopter straight down the side of a mountain and we were in freefall for about six seconds. When we eventually landed at one of the base camps I took the pilot aside and said I would murder him if he did it again, provided we survived, of course.

Later than night, during our show, I singled out the pilot and ripped him a new one. I tortured him for five minutes while the audience howled. When I finally got back to the barracks I found a sticky note on my door. It read, “Thank you, you made my day” and was signed “A soldier.”

It’s my most prized possession.

The comedy low I blame on my business partner, Leslie Norris. We toured the US for eight years doing our standup show, Single, Married & Divorced. There were three of us but the third girl always varied, depending on who was available. In one town, the third girl missed her flight and wouldn’t arrive until the next day so Leslie and I had to do the show alone. The first five minutes we sang and did sketch comedy. I’m not a great singer. People hire me to sing but seriously, don’t. Leslie is a great singer. She came in second in Star Search and with her talent as a singer, was first runner-up in two Miss America state pageants.

So in the town with no third girl, we sang one of the opening songs, just the two of us. There was a complicated note at the end and when it came time for that note, Leslie stopped singing. On purpose. I was so off-key public schools removed their music programs and Broadway went dark for a week.

4) I can't ask the dinner party question, because you've already been at dinner parties attended by some of the most hilarious, fascinating people ever. So name four people you wouldn't mind being trapped in an elevator with.

Bill Clinton, Cher, the un-dead Elvis, and MacGyver, so we could get out of that elevator.

5) What's your favorite recipe?

My mom is a world class cook and baker. I grew up eating cheese soufflés, chocolate éclairs, artichoke hearts, Orzo, and her amazing Baked Alaska. I never had a hotdog until I went away to college.

For years I ordered Baked Alaska in every restaurant that offered it, only to be disappointed that they didn’t put ice cream in it. Then I would ask a waiter in the next restaurant if theirs had ice cream in it and he would reply, yes, theirs did. And it would show up like all the ones before it, with a side of ice cream. Eventually I stopped ordering it. I have no idea how to make it. And even if I did, I’m sure it would be a colossal failure and I’d have to serve it with a side of ice cream. Sorry Mom.

~~~~~

Isn't she awesome? (Thanks, Suzy!) Before you go, you should visit Suzy's blog, follow Suzy on Twitter, and Like her Facebook fan page. And don't forget to leave a comment (your favorite recipe?) to enter to win an autographed copy of her book, which is fabulous!

You Can Call Me Thor

2013-01-17T09:42:00.000-06:00

Life is full of so many moments when I wish I'd have said something differently--more cleverly, more tenderly, with more insight or wit or empathy. And I have a horrid knack for inserting my foot in my mouth, for not fully completing a thought before it tumbles out of my mouth. Which is why I much prefer email and writing to phone calls and public speaking, but I digress.

Last weekend I played wing-woman for my friend Julie, who is the lead singer in a kick-ass band. In the course of the evening, entertaining things were said and observed. But when a guy who offered to buy us a drink introduced himself as "Thor," I WISH I'd said, "It's great to meet you, Thor! I'm Zena, but you can call me Warrior Princess."

I don't know if it's just my gullibility, but he seemed incredibly sincere about his name actually BEING Thor. He even said that everyone cracks an Adventures in Babysitting joke as soon as they learn his name. He seemed tired of being hassled about it.

Sidebar: remember that scene where Elizabeth Shue's blind-ish best friend is sitting at the bus terminal and they have those clunky little TVs bolted to some of the chairs? Do they still have those?

Moving on. Of course I didn't ask for proof, I just thought it would be fun to pretend I really met someone actually named after a hammer-wielding god from Norse mythology.

In other news, I am being featured on the most-excellent Chick Lit is Not Dead blog today, with five personally inscribed copies of All the Lonely People up for grabs to match my five ridiculous answers to their "5 Best Evers" blog category. If you hop over and enter to win, it will look like I have some friends, which is always awesome.

Other things: Last night I met with a fabulous book club at a place called Cheesecake Heaven. Tonight I'm having a drink with this amazing singer. Tomorrow I'm featuring an interview and book giveaway here on the blog with one of the funniest people I know (you won't want to miss it, trust me). And I have MORE giveaways and interviews on deck. How is it possible that January can be this fun without a tropical vacation?

Song Sung Blew

2013-01-08T11:29:00.000-06:00

Housekeeping! First, congratulations to Dana Vittum on winning a copy of December Gephart’s debut novel, Undercover Professor! I’ll be hosting more authors in the weeks and months to come, with more chances to win great books, so stay tuned, kemosabes!

Official Blog Post Starts … NOW!

J and I are big-time Song Quoters. We’ll be moseying around the house, or chopping up a salad for dinner, and all of a sudden one of us will be struck with the urge to sing a random song lyric that’s vaguely related to the task at hand: “Put ‘em in your mouth and suck ‘em!” ... while unwrapping a Dove dark chocolate Promise, for example.

(Chef, from South Park, singing “Chocolate Salty Balls”)

Sometimes we make up our own songs. “Restin’ pants, restin’ pants, hot diggity dog, it’s restin’ pants!” A few nights ago we were marching around the living room singing this together: “Let’s go read! Let’s go read! Let’s go read!” Because one of our favorite pastimes lately is reading before bed. Me, all smug on my side with my light, sleek little Kindle, and him on his side, wrestling with a fifty-pound paperback that keeps falling on his face, in the delicate lady reading glasses he bought at Fleet Farm.

Speaking of Fleet Farm, did you know that this is where every AARP-eligible citizen in my city buys birdseed? We were there last weekend and I lost track of how many natty-looking older gentlemen had only this item in their cart. We bought a 25 pound bag of sunflower seeds as well, because we like fitting in with the crowd. They don’t taste the greatest, though.

There was also a run on mittens! There were seriously thirty people crammed into a short aisle devoted to gloves and winter hats marked down to 30% off. J looked at me at one point to dramatically sing a snatch of lyric from the Michael McDonald song playing on the loudspeakers above.

Sidebar: please revoke my speaking and/or writing privileges if I ever use the phrase “snatch of lyric” again.

Also, here’s a song: “I just finished my … novella!” (To the tune of Stevie Wonder’s “I Just Called To Say I Love You”) It’s a lot of firsts for me: first novella, for one thing. What’s a novella, you ask? It’s basically a “fun-size” novel. Perfect for a rainy afternoon or to pass the time while you wait for the oil to be changed in the mini-van.

It’s also the first work of fiction I’ve set in my current hometown (featuring lots of local landmarks), first story I’ve written entirely in the third person POV / past tense, first sweet, quirky love story with no heavy themes (“Hooray!” cheer all of you), AND the first to feature awesome bonuses. What awesome bonuses, you may be asking? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see!

I’m hoping to release it on President’s Day, just so I can type, “In honor of everyone’s favorite holiday, I give you …" and then I announce the title, which is still a secret because I’m not sure I want to keep it.

Next week I’ll be featured on Chick Lit is Not Dead. I think I answered the wrong interview questions, but as the Cornelius Brothers once sang, "It's too late...to turn back now..."

Now Presenting: December Gephart! (And a Giveaway)

2013-01-03T09:32:00.002-06:00

Hello, Mr. Nipple...

Big welcome to my friend December (we call her 'D'), and congratulations on the recent release of her debut novel, Undercover Professor! It's such a fun story--takes place in Milwaukee, features a fun "gaming" angle, smart, funny, and definitely made me blush. I'm not too familiar with the romance genre, but I loved this one! D was kind enough to subject herself to my interrogation, which we shall commence with now. (Leave a comment below, and you're entered to win an e-copy of her debut!)

1) Where did you get the idea for Undercover Professor? Oddly enough - it was a Cosmo or Glamor magazine. A few years back I saw a list on the top 10 guys you should avoid. And I thought it was rather silly, because why would anyone need a list written up? On that list were many of Andy's problems. Lives with his mom, in between jobs and doesn't seem too interested in searching for a new one, etc. Then one of my pals, who I consider pretty smart, told me her boyfriend still lived with his parents, and had no intention of moving out. And he's a pretty decent guy, but it seemed like a huge red flag. They ended up breaking up, and don't worry, she found her happy ever after with another guy.

It got my writerly wheels to turning on a book about a girl who had a personal list of guys to avoid, due to previous heartbreaks. But what if ... what if the perfect guy has no ZING, and the guy who's all wrong is zingy all over the place?

2) I know as a parent, you’re not supposed to say if you have a favorite child. But as a writer, do you have a favorite character in the novel? I really love cousin Becca. I know, she rubs a lot of people the wrong way. But I just adore how she throws her whole self into love, without any safety net. Even though she gets her heart broken over and over, she keeps pushing forward and believing that her True Love is out there. She never ever stops believing. And I love how crazy she is, and manipulative, but it all came from this place of blind love. Everyone knows someone just like her. Writing her was so much fun.

I just finished writing a wildly fun little novella about a Type A girl, and a laid back guy. All of their dates go haywire, and it was hilarious watching my controlling, manic bossy pants get her undies in a bundle, and then watch her realize that maybe her world wasn't going to fall apart after all. She is probably my current favorite. She has a good sense of humor, but she's just squirming the entire time. It's great fun.

3) I loved Andy! Was he loosely inspired by anyone real? How do you feel about writing from a male perspective? Well, physically I based him on Bradley Cooper. Yummy. In real life, this might shock you, but I don't tend to attract the playboy one night stand type of fellas who love dumb girls.

I actually Love love love writing in the male perspective. It's quite natural for me. If I let myself, I'd have the majority of the book written in his Point of View. I just love putting guys through the emotional wringer, I guess. It's so fun watching them realize too late that they've messed it all up, and Oh Crap! How are they going to fix it? They're just so ... easy. In the best sort of way. But I also don't write the AlphaHole males.

4)      Who would you most like to sit next to at a dinner party? Probably you, because we end up together sooner or later! And you don't seem to mind when I get exited and spittle red wine at you, or my purple tongue. The important things...

5)      What keeps you awake at night? HA - usually my 2 year old, hollering for a drink of water. Or my dog snoring. Or my husband, snoring.

6)      What’s next from you? I have a few things in the cooker. I have 2 books in with my editor now, (one of them is that fun novella. I can't wait until that book gets picked up, it's so stinking cute and goofy,) and I just finished up a third. Then I have a 4 book series I'm itchy to write.

7)      Beets: love them or hate them? Hate. Them. BLECH, I HATE BEETS. I'm not even kidding.

Thanks D! I can't wait to read your next book. If you'd like to win an e-copy of December's book, leave a comment telling us who YOU'D like to sit next to at a dinner party.

Happy New Year

2013-01-01T16:47:00.006-06:00

And all that fabulous jazz!

To kick off 2013, I am posting over at the Girlfriends' Book Club about how my resolution is to be more mature, stop using my cute dog as a prop, and write more sentences that end with "eat a bag of dicks."

Just kidding. But the post IS all about impulse control, which I have in very limited supply. And there's a cute photo of my dog. So you should go read it.

Mey Tismiss!

2012-12-23T13:00:00.000-06:00

This is my seventh (!) Christmas on the blog; to celebrate (and because I have to run to the store to finish last-minute shopping), here are some posts from Christmas past:

Bake it Like a Polaroid Picture (2006): I make scones! And Tom and Jerrys!

Pho, Pho, Pho! Merry Christmas! (2007): I make Pho! Don't know what Pho is? Neither did I, until December of 2007.

Holiday Hodge-Podge (2008): the best part of this post is the list of highlights from college students' journal entries. Enjoy!

Is that a Rhinovirus in your Stocking? (2009): If you scroll down, you'll get to my Non-Stop Glam post, about the Barbie Glamour Camper. If I ever do a Greatest Hits Compilation, this is going on the front page.

To Live in Exciting Times (2010): we have our first Christmas carolers ever, and we lose an offer on a house we wanted to buy. Kind of a mixed-bag.

Patience, Old Grasshopper (2011): This was one of my more popular posts, just behind my rant about the Advanage salesman.

Just a reminder, Larry Meiller's Christmas call-in featuring Santa starts at 11 tomorrow on Wisconsin Public Radio. There is bound to be more cuteness than you can stuff in a baby Build-A-Bear.

As my Christmas gift to you, please enjoy this photo of my neighbor shoveling the sidewalk on his Dad's hoverround.

St. Nick Remembered my Address!

2012-12-10T23:34:00.001-06:00


This very Christmas tree fell over last night. And nothing broke!	It's a Christmas miracle...

So look what St. Nick left under my tree! The paperbacks are FINALLY here!!!! I'm really glad, because otherwise I was going to post a photo of the giant bag of jalapeno Cheetos that I bought at Target tonight, and tell you about my grand plan to sort out individual servings into baggies so I don't inhale all 16 servings in one sitting of shame.

(It turned out to be a half-sitting of shame, with J a willing participant in the orange-dusting of fingertips...)

But the paperbacks are now available, so I figured I'd write about that instead. Since it's been FOUR FREAKING YEARS since I've held a book I've written in my hands. (I just fiddled with the photo and now it's off-center. Dammit hole!!! Oh well, just imagine it's in the middle of the page, where it's supposed to be.)

You can order one on Amazon right now, if you get the itch. Sadly, it only comes with the cute little mittens if you're a book blogger. BUT! If you are buying a copy as a gift (a gift to yourself counts, of course), I would be happy to sign it! Where there's a will, there's a wino. I mean way. If you are in a book club I'm meeting with soon, good news! I will only be a little sweaty and spazzy. I will also sign your book. If you live with, are related to me, work with me, or know incriminating things I did in school, of course I will sign your copy! If you live in the Fox Valley area, I am pretty sure I'll be doing some kind of event at one of the awesome libraries via the Fox Cities Book Festival this April. I'll bring my pen!

There are also book plates, and I can send you one of those. Alternately, I can send you a recipe or packet of seeds. Your choice!

There is a signed paperback giveaway beginning on Goodreads (open 'til February 1), and you can hop over to Booking with Manic AND Chick Lit Central tomorrow to enter to win a copy, too. (Thank you to Stephanie Elliott and Melissa Amster!!!)

If you need me, I'll be celebrating by going to the dentist in the morning, participating in a Farm-to-School grant webinar at noon, and working on the new novella at night. (It's my first sweet love story...we'll see how long I can hold out until I crack some weird joke about an athletic supporter and Steve Buscemi's neck. Also, I added tags to this post..apparently, I have written of Steve Buscemi before!)

Book Winners, Chicken Sweaters, and Karma

2012-12-06T13:17:00.000-06:00

First, congratulations to Amy, Brittany, and Road Warrior Mama--you each won a signed copy of All the Lonely People! I've emailed Amy and Brittany directly, but Road Warrior Mama--I need you to comment or email me, because I don't have your contact information!

I used the Random Line Picker to select the winners, chosen from a pool of folks who "liked" my Facebook author page, emailed me between November 12 and December 1, or commented here on the blog by last Saturday.

If you didn't win, you still have more chances to win an autographed copy: the Goodreads giveaway starts next week (one copy up for grabs), and I'll be giving away additional copies via several fabulous bloggers in the weeks to come, so stay tuned!

Last week something very exciting happened. I hit my lowest Amazon ranking ever! Look: I cracked the top 300! The lowest I ever got with Driving Sideways was somewhere near 3,000, so this feels mighty fine; I didn't crack the top 100, but oooooh----so close I can taste it! (It tastes like strawberry jelly beans, by the way.)

Look, ma! People like me! They really do!

But Jess, you may be saying, what does this mean?

Okay, so the basic goal with the ranking system is to get as close to #1 as you can (We're number 1! We're number 1!) But because of the very existence of people like James Patterson, Nicholas Sparks, and E.L James, this is next to impossible for the average smart-ass writer like me. HOWEVER: sometimes life is kind, and ultra-awesome benefactors / fairy author godmothers take pity on you or actually like your book, and tell their fans (or even their editor) about you. Basically: Jen Lancaster and Karen McQuestion rock. Also, look here, on Emily Giffin's website! Recognize anyone on the list? *bats eyelashes*

(Filing all of this away under "definitely paying it forward" and "good karma," in case I'm ever famous...)

Thank you so much to everyone who bought a copy; I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you laugh at the chicken sweaters and rape pit.* If you'd like your e-copy signed, check out my page on Authorgraph; I'll write you a haiku!

The paperback is mere days away, and I'll update the minute it's available. (I have the cutest little hand-knit mittens to tuck in the copies going to book bloggers!!!)

*Aaaack! What!?!? Well, you'll just have to read the book to find out. ;)