Bug Tussle Bugle

Sinkhole Closes part of I-65

2010-03-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

State and county highway officials have closed part of I-65 for repairs.
Apparently all the of recent rains have caused another round of sinkholing, as several new ones have popped open throughout the Greater Bugtussle area. This latest sinkhole has opened up near the Hartselle exit of I-65 northbound.
While highway sinkholes have created excellent opportunities for landfill in the past, state highway officials ask that you do not bring household garbage or surplus furniture to toss into the hole in the highway. Since it is a federal project, the governments only wants sand and gravel in the hole, Thank You!
Already some locals have pitched stuff in, and the debris removal has delayed repairs to the outside northbound lane. And since someone pushed a worn out Caterpilar backhoe in it heavy equipment has been brough in. Also found in the sinkhole was a Saphire Blue 1976 Chrysler Cordoba with fine Corinthian Leather which appears to have just driven off into it shortly after the hole popped open. The state would ask it's owner to come forward and claim the vehicle which only sustained minor drivetrain damage.

If the state must close the inside lane, we are told we will all be given plenty of notice to come up with an alternate route.

Floods leave Residents Looking for Higher Ground

2010-03-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

After more than six inches of rain fell across areas of Greater Micropolitan Bug Tussle on Wednesday, local residents are worried about what will happen in the low lying areas as creeks and rivers rise.

Leon Jones who is doing the renovation of Nuggetwagon is worried that his garage which sits only four feet above Coon Creek's flood stage will be swept away just like it was year before last in the epic once in a six-month flood like we got in July of last year.

County emergency managment teams had closed seventeen un-paved roads that trek throughout the foresty managment preserve, and and undisclosed number of recreational vehicles were seen floating down the Mulberry fork of the Black Warrior River.

Meanwhile, since the county can't afford trash pick-up, many local residents are taking advantage of the rising flood waters and are placing long uncollected refuse out onto driveways and creekbanks, hoping that it will all be washed down river during this latest installment of a five hundred year flood which seems to be happening every six months or so.

Also, the National Weather service gives a five or ten percent chance of tornadoes tonight, so of course people down wind of the Culver home are taking refuge in case things get a little stirred up over there.

Nuggetwagon Renovation Going Slow, Repairs may take weeks

2010-03-09T21:33:00.000-08:00

The local favorite Nuggetwagon has been delivered to Leon's Garage down at Tyler Crossroads and the owner, Mr. Leon Jones, co-owner of Leons' Garage and Body shop says that the renovations called for by modern Alabama code will require at least six weeks, and maybe more to bring the vehicle up to code where the Strawberry queen can at least ride in comfort, rather than in a rickety old lawn chair propped up behind the dashboard of the mostly disincorporate vehicle.
When the vehicle's rennovation is complete, and the pageant extravaganza is over, it is expected to be returned to where it was recently relocated, on the front lawn of the Alabama Coal Mining Museum in Dora.

To hear Miss Mandy's interview with Leon, just look on the left side bar for Nuggetwagon Renovation.

Good Lite Cafe to launch new Brews

2010-03-03T08:16:00.001-08:00

Owners of the local favorite Good Lite Cafe, located in Greater Bug Tussle (you all know where it is!) announced Tuesday they are about to roll out a full line of micro-brewed beers which will be served on tap, and pending legislation before the Alabama House, will be available at your local Pak-n-Sak and other favorite package, sporting goods, Lawmower repair and Bait & Tackle Shops.

The Restaurant and Brewing dynamic duo have launched three beers that are to be available on tap this coming Friday. The line up will be branded under the label"Coon Creek Brewing Co.", so named for the creek behind the brew shed from which the brew master gets it's fine crystal clear spring water. The first three beers are Lil Basterd Lager, which the brew master describes as full flavored and crisp with a nippy finnish. Also in the line up is Heffer Wise, which is a South German styled and full bodied Wheat beer which goes good with chicken fingers and fries. and finally, Swamp Lick Amber Ale which just has a pretty color. Coming soon is Pussy Foot Light, a beered brewed in the tradition of a Pilsner.

For more information or for a sample flight, visit the Good Lite Cafe over there near the sinkhole on the Banks of Coon Creek, At the corner of Highway 69 and BugTussle Road.

Valentine Sisters to Celebrate 105th Birthday

2010-02-28T07:03:00.000-08:00

The local favorites Lydia Valentine Balenger and her sister Grace Valentine will be celebrating their 105th Birthday with a Wrestling Match at the newly reconstructed home of the Greater Bug Tussle Geriatric Womens Mud Wrestling League over in Cordova. The five members will give a Matinee Performance after Church next Sunday.

There will be a potluck dinner afterward at the Community Center on Gin Road at Brewer Street which soon will become home to the Coon Creek Microbrewing Company. Onlookers will also be able to sample Good Lite Cafe's newest Beverage offereings.

New Creative Director To head up Strawberry Queen Extravaga

2010-02-23T11:23:00.000-08:00

This year's Cullman County Strawberry Queen Pageant and Parade will have a new executive director following the untimely death of Pastor Gleaves Earl Ward who was found dead last June after he apparently choked on a strawberry Bon Bon.
A lawsuit is still pending trial in Cullman County Civil Court against the Good Seed chocolate company for wrongful death.
Hank "Spanky" McQueen of Faye's Cut, Color and Curl will be heading up the Pageant committee as executive and Creative director for the five day event. "Spanky", as we all like to affectionately call him has a long pedigree in pageants and theater, including serving as interim choreographer for the "Laurel Little Theatre" in Laurel, MS and also as makeup and costume director for several productions of the Bevil State Community College where he studied cosmetology.

In a recent phone interview McQueen repeated consistently the the parade would be "Great" and that the pageant extravaganza would be "Fabulous" but due to privacy issues could not divulge any details at this time because they are a "Big secret". Please check back for the audio feed as our audio uplink is currently offline but is being worked on by some outfit in Bremen.

Bug Tussle Native Blamed for Sudden Outbreak of Homosexual Roosters

2010-02-23T07:06:00.000-08:00

Convicted Drag Queen and Mulberry Fork Shopping club co-founder Weldon Clancey has been charged with deviant behavior that has infected the local Rooster population with the Homosexual virus.

(Young Clancey in a recent arrest photo)

Weldon's mother railed in protest against the arrest, saying they are just singling out the boy because his is different.

Local police say that they know the boy is different, but the arrest is about preventing any more spread of this dreaded disease, which affects new chicken populations when it gets out of control. They accused Miss Clancey of being irresponsible for not having eaten her Rooster He Man who is obviously gay and knows too many interpretive dance moves to be straight.

Former Bug Tussle Resident who wants to remain known as "Kenney" said that Gay Roosters have been around these parts for years, as evidenced by his recent interview with his mother that he has made for posterity. See video below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5En8-LxHe4

The County sherrif has given the Clancey family 30 days to destroy He-Man and pay restitution for damages to the local Chicken Growers Coop for irreversible damages to the local broiler population.

Local Teacup Poodle Supermodel "Star" to make brief appearance at Piggly Wiggly in Cullman

2010-02-23T07:03:00.001-08:00

Local Teacup Poodle supermodel and former world champion best bitch "Star" is scheduled to meet visitors and give autographs at a pet food rally and promotion at the Piggly Wiggly just off I-65 in Cullman. This is the first local appearance she has made in the area since her December arest for disorderly conduct after a tussle with some lipstick at a local carpet store promotion. A spokesperson for Star said that she is doing much better after serving a mandatory sentence of community service and attending a 12 step lipstick addict recovery program. She also reported that Star's coat has begun to regrow after a similar incident with some trimming shears that left her unable to get modeling contracts.

Local Shopping Club Members in Shock!!

2010-02-22T08:39:00.000-08:00

Breaking News:

Members of the Mulberry Fork Shoppers club were shocked on February 19 by a streaker at Birmingham's Riverchase Galleria. (pictured here)

Group leader Charla Thomason said that the streaker accosted the ladies while they were approaching the south Entrance to Macy's. He was driving a Turquoise Metalic 1979 two door Lincoln Town car Coup. He pulled up alongside the ladies, one of whom asked him his name. Reportedly he called himself the Islander and stepped out of the car draped only in an unbuttoned blue short sleeved shirt. Charla claims it was lucky for the "Islander" that she hadn't been packin' that day as she says she would likely have shot his ole wrinkly peter right off!

Most of the seven members said it would take a few days to recover from the shock and LuLu Drummond of Bremen said that she would never go back to that den of sin again. A giddy Miss Apricot Endicott said she was going back to take advantage of the White Sale at Penny's this weekend. An un-named member said that she was hurt in her heart for that poor man and asked that we all put him on our prayer lists. Only one member of the Shopping club was unable to witness the spectacle, because he was on lock-up in the county jail for yet un announced charges.

Nadine Rogers Still Not Fully Recovered after Passing Out.

2010-02-22T07:03:00.000-08:00

Local Resident Nadine Sims Rogers reportedly still has not fully recovered from a bump on the head she says she got while coming out of her trailer back in April.
(Nadine at a recent Sunday social)
She says she was startled by a (expletive deleted) cursing match she overheard between Junion Johnson and an unknown drifter in a Chevy Vega. The scare of the incident apparently caused her to lose her footing on her portable wooden staircase and she stumbled and hit her head on the bumper of her 1978 Pontiac Firebird.
The incident reportedly left a dent in the fender where her purse full of God knows what was flung forward as she tried to regain balance. Makeup and hair were found on the bumper where she says her forehead and beard made contact.
As a result of the incident and the injuries she says she was caused, she has filed a lawsuit against Junior for an undisclosed sum to recover damages she says were (expletive deleted) damned well sure as (expletive deleted) incurred.
Junior says there were no damages as that lipstick and "facial hair" found and dents on the pontiac were from a collision with a Deer in Drag that hasn't been seen around since sometime in early April, shortly before a venison barbeque at the Rogers home. Junior also stated, "If you heard some of the things Nadine says in public, you would find it hard to believe that she is such a delicate flower as to be offended by what was said between me and that feller!"In Junior's defense, the newstaff tends to agree besides the fact we have never seen the woman wear a stitch of make-up, in keeping with her strict Pentecostal Faith.

Miss Viola to give Cooking Seminar at Good Lite

2010-02-22T06:39:00.000-08:00

Miss Viola Chagrin, the executive chef for Good Lite Cafe, will be giving a cooking seminar at the Bug Tussle location. The Theme of the class is entitle "Gravy and Biscuits: What Every Self-Respecting Mother Should Know"

The seminar will be every Thursday in June and will discuss the finer points of rending bacon drippings for your gravy roe and she will share tips on how to make a batch of gravy two times larger if you are suddenly hit with seven extra household guests after a saturday night sleepover. She will demonstrate how to beat the better biscuit batter, and you will all get to learn just what her secret ingredient is that make her buttermilk biscuits so special. The first 25 participants will get a bonus cook session entitled "Grits and Cheese: a Forgotten Staple"
To reserve a space in her class, call us up at 256-555-COOK.

Today's Public Service Announcement:

2010-02-22T06:33:00.000-08:00

It is not polite to hold up traffic in both directions while you have a conversation about what is on sale over at the grocery store in Cold Springs. Please, if you must talk to your friends and family, use the phone or just pull over into the church parking lot. Paid for by Mandy's School of Manners in Drummond Switch, Alabama. That's just about Four miles over that ridge as the crow flies, But you'll have to drive about 20 miles Down Empire road and turn right on Drummond Switch Cutoff. But right now she's posted outside Clarence and Nadine's new place up on Hyatt Lookout Road.

Advertisement!!

2010-02-21T20:36:00.000-08:00

Junior Johnston's Gentle Transit

J.D. Junior Jonston, loves taking Fruits and Nuts for a ride cross country. (Photo courtesy Apopca farms, Fla.)
No Job too big or too small. If you need a Nice Package delivered just right to any spot on the Globe, Junior's up for the job. For the long or short haul, he'll make sure your goodies are handled with care and your delivery needs are met. You will want your heavy freight driven by him again and again! Junior specializes in tomatoes, melons, peaches, cherries, and the occasional load of bananas, avocadoes, and assorted nuts. He is especially tender with greens. He is very accomodating. Some customers just want him to go along for the ride. He is more than happy to oblige. (see picture at left.)
He can handle a range of meats, although Junior is a little leery of handling chicken or fish, but the temperature in his truck's cooler box is just right for whole hog hams, sausage and grade A or Prime beef.

For more information or a test ride, dial 256-555-hook
(Because of parole board restrictions on his travel, Junior may not travel outside state lines for another six weeks. He appologizes for any inconvenience his foul mouth has caused.)

Fred Phelps Family Demonstration Turned Off by Local Hero:

2010-02-21T20:10:00.001-08:00

Monday evening the Phelps Family of Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas demonstrated outside the Goodlite Cafe for the better part of the day, stating that the restaurant enabled Fags, hired open fags, and was going to hell because of their support of fags.
Faced with the marauding crew of about seven, Ms. Viola Chagrin came outside and told them all to pack up and go home. When they refused, she raised up her skirt.
The Phelps family, visibly shocked by what they had just witnessed, took down their signs and rushed to their Hate bus, and quickly drove away from the scene...
When asked what she had shown the clan under her skirt, she simply answered "What ever they wanted or didn't want to see, well it was there!"

ANNOUNCEMENT:

2010-02-21T19:00:00.000-08:00

Miss Mandy, demonstrating the "Hostess Stance" for Cocktail Hour...

Miss Mandy's Magnificent Manners and Traveling Boutique Announcement:

Miss Mandy will be giving a seminar entitled "Composure" to the good people of Empire. During a recent hypnosis session with her therapist and longtime friend Doctor Crane L. Schrenke, she was reminded of a tragic incident in her child hood. While visiting the Orange Juice Queen at a Florida Pep Rally for family values she witnessed an assault. She still remembers the horror of Anita Bryant getting molested by a queen with a pie in an incident which Miss Mandy says scarred her for life. But she says she persevered, and now some of her best friends are Gay, and that she loves them and supports them in their life choices as long as they don't call it marriage. She would like to share that experience with the young folks of Greater Bug Tussle and surrounding communities. The seminar will be Held Friday March 26(Walker County Gay Day) in the Activity Center at the Empire Crossing First Church in Christ and Jehova on Empire Road, just across from Bland Service Station.

ADVERTISEMENT:
Miss Mandy knows all there is to know about manners. If your loved one needs polish, Miss Mandy is the Girl for you. Her Granny on her Momma's side (you all remember Nana Ree, she was a blessing to all who knew her) was taught how to hold a cocktail napkin full of peanuts and drink your beer at the same time without spilling a drop by The Legendary Emily Post Herself!
Also you can find loads of treasures lining the walls of her traveling boutique. She specializes in appropriate table wear for the finer cocktail party. This week she's parked in Clarence and Nadine's yard over on Hyatt's Lookout watching stuff while they are getting ready to move. After they are done then she'll be back over on Drummond Switch cutoff. Check back here for more details.

For Lessons or an appointment to tour her traveling Boutique try her on her Cel Phone. She doesn't get the best service all the time, but leave a message and she will haul everything over to see you. She will not make any price quotes until she has had a chance to get a proper assessment of the problem or disaster she has to fix. She would like you to know that she can not work miracles as she does not have a degree in dentistry. She will also assist in moving heavy furniture. Additionally she carries the complete line of Mary Kay brand cosmetics and skin care products. (She earned herself a Pink 1988 Pontiac Bonneville complete with towing package for it). Starting soon enough she will be offering manicures and pedicures but she says she will not re-shoe your mule, even if it is easier than sanding off your wife's hoof.
Call her at 256-555-PINK

Culver house in shambles, County threatens couple with condemnation citation

2010-02-21T18:36:00.000-08:00

The Local eyesore know as the Culver home has been cited for seven hundred and thirteen building code violations, including one for not having the trailer tied to the chimney correctly. The trailer is not fastened to the ground, either,and Walker County and Cullman County public safety officials, in a joint statement said Monday that the property is in danger of becoming a lethal projectile that could threaten the lives of hundreds in the event of a direct strike by tornado. A storm of f-2 or higher could pick up the debris and scatter it from here to Boaz, wreaking havoc in it's wake as the trailer turned missile would leave sheet metal, wood paneling and bricks that have been thrown at everything in it's path.
The Bremen couple has 30 days to clean up their act, or they will be moved to a shelter while the two counties, in a joint venture, decide what to do with the mess.

Lazenby's Dry Goods, Pet Spa and Package Store to close after 50 years.

2010-02-21T18:19:00.000-08:00

Lina Lazenby, 69 of Sumiton says she will be closing her doors after 50 years in business. She say the current economic climate combined with a new Wal-Mart Supercenter have conspired to destroy her once thriving business. The Lazenby's made a name for their place of business back in the 50's providing the very finest fabrics, shoes, and pet food. When prohibition was lifted and Cullman became a wet county, the Lazenby's decided to expand their offings to include finer malted beverages and wines to their customers legally. Profits continued to soar.
In the 1990's The Lazenby's decided to turn the unused storage in the back to a pet spa. The problem was that people stopped picking up their cats and many of the abandoned turned to alcohol abuse. As a result, Lazenby says, several years ago their profits began to dwindle as alcoholism ran rampant through the store's resident cat population which had skyrocketed to over 65 individuals. Aparently the ring leaders and top Toms named "Clive"

(Above, at left after binging) and Mr. Fluffy (Above, at right, hogging the remote and scratching his unmentionables) were most out of control and racked up a 40 thousand dollar liquor bill.

New Survey Finds Women Eat 6 lbs. of Lipstick Over Lifetime, Locals Chime in.

2010-02-21T18:12:00.001-08:00

A new survey by the makers of Snapple brand fruit drink estimates that the average woman consumes 6 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime, most of it being licked off the lips and ingested. Miss Mandy says she thinks that to be a conservative estimate, as she is sure that by her midsection, she has eaten at least 72 pounds because her birdike diet would not allow her girth otherwise. Ms Viola stated that she was sure she had eaten about six, except she went through that earth mother phase where she wore no makeup and didn't shave, but that scared the kids in Lynchburn, so she had to resume. Diane and Ron Formal of Colony said that their child Eugene is challenged and has trouble identifying just what should be eaten and what should not. They further claim their lipstick budget is a bout 6 tubes a month, as they have weened him off of other things and substituted it successfully for lipstick. He prefers shades of brown, they said.
In a related story World Famous teacup poodle supermodel and former Bug Tussle resident "Star" was brought up on charges of grafitti after having a tussle with a tube of the stuff. Star (pictured at right), at the scene of the crime. Reportedly, she had sparkly scarlett poo for a week following the incident.

Nugget Wagon to be Overhauled for Lead float in County Parade

2010-02-21T18:08:00.001-08:00

Bug Tussle's famous nugget wagon, a 1972 Chrysler Town and Country Station Wagon, affectionately know to locals as "Nugget" will have the wood veneer on the sides restored to like new condition as the historic vehicle resumes service carrying this year's Cullman County Strawberry Queen at the Cullman County Memorial Day Parade. If anyone would like to help decorate it, please contact Leon down at Tyler's Crossroads garage in Dodge City, Alabama. That's across the county line in Walker county. Outsourcing has hit Smalltown U.S.A. too, folks.

BugTussle Curling Team Nearly Drown, Blame Freak Global Warming Spell

2010-02-21T17:37:00.000-08:00

The newly created Bug Tussle Curling Club based out of Clyde Harris' Tool shed on the North End of Cooters Pond all fell in after the pond ice gave way under the stress of the sweeping. No one was hurt, but they seem to have lost their curling stones so they are hoping for a drought this summer long enough for the water to evaporate down so they can be recovered. They don't hold much hope, however, as they were using "Sweet Licks" brand Salt Licks for cattle, so they expect the stones just may disencorporate.