Skittles' Place

Tomatoes

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 16:31:00 +0000

In May, I planted one slice of a red tomato. I've grown tomatoes before, but little did I know this one was going to get so tall!

Have you ever bought tomatoes on the vine? That's what the slice I planted was. You know in the movie Jaws how the guy says, We're going to need a bigger boat" right? In this case I guess I should have used a bigger pot!

I was pleased when I first saw flowering buds. I got excited when I saw the first five baby tomatoes growing. Now I have a second set of babies and quite a few more flowering buds!

Identity Crisis

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Mon, 21 Sep 2015 17:09:00 +0000

I know now my attachment to my children wasn't normal. Why I was so desperately needing their feedback on which to base.. my identity. I didn't have to look very far to find that not so mysterious reason. My childhood.

My abusive childhood stripped my identity from me. I didn't learn who I was or how I fit into this big world. When I had my first child at 17 and quickly got married I fumbled around, mostly acting like I thought I knew the correct way to be a wife and mother. I needed to feel loved and wanted by my husband.. something I hadn't felt up to that point. I didn't get it.

He was an alcoholic and could get mean when he drank. I didn't like when he would hit me, but I was used to that. After all, my stepfather had been the same way. (The only difference was my stepfather was also a pedophile and sexually abused my sister and I.) I accepted my husband's behavior as *normal*. It was literally pounded into me this was all I was worthy of. The emotional neglect reinforced it.

Fast forward to the time when there were three children. I finally had someone to love who loved me back. I put everything I had into giving them a better childhood than I'd had. My husband had taken on the role as a non-participant in their lives so I did double duty.

I saw a different and better childhood through what they did and accomplished. I was living vicariously through them. It was at this point when my identity became abnormal. I still hadn't learned who I was as a viable, lovable adult so I was now attaching my identity to them. Since I didn't have anything else, they became my whole world. But children grow up and move away.

I can't go on right now. Writing this is like therapy for me and I know I need a break to let these new truths sink in. They are painful. And long overdue.

Divorce

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Sun, 20 Sep 2015 16:52:00 +0000

I have divorced my children. It wasn't a long thought out decision. It was very spur of the moment but as soon as I made it, I knew it was the right thing to do. Now that it's been exactly a week, I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is sadness or regret. Maybe it's both.

I immersed myself in raising them. I tried every single day to let them know they were loved, that family comes first and home is where you are safe. My ex and I were always too poor to spoil them and they learned they had to work for what they wanted. They also learned how to have fun and be creative. I'll be the first to say I weren't the perfect parent, but I never stopped trying. Be honest. Be compassionate. Be responsible. Pay things forward.

I remember the New Year's Eve when they got together without me for the first time. Sure, I felt left out but I was also happy for them. Happy that, even though they were grown, they were staying close to each other. I was happy they all still gathered at my place for holidays and such. After a while, their children came, too.

Time has a way of passing and things have a way of changing though. All too soon Christmas Eve moved to one son's house and Thanksgiving to my other son's house. I remember the first Thanksgiving at my son's house when he made a point of telling me they weren't doing things like I had done all those years. I accepted that with only a little *ouch*. They were making their own traditions.

I met Mike a few years later. He and I got along so well and our relationship became more serious. In fact, the only thing we argued about was the subject of my kids. He thought they were taking advantage of me and I'd argue back that family comes first. I continually insisted they be included in as much as possible. In fact, I resented that he was trying to keep me away from them and eventually silently blamed him when they stopped dropping by as often. I thought it was because his family hadn't been close so he didn't understand. I know better now.

Five years after Mike and I met, we married and moved across the state, leaving my kids behind. I felt like I'd lost everything. Like a part of my heart had been ripped away. My daughter would visit a few times a year, my sons maybe once a year. We drove over for holidays.

I started my first blog in 1996 and it was then that I began censoring what I said for fear of what my kids would think or say. I remember one daughter-in-law commenting she didn't like me calling my ex *Butthead* and asked me to stop. I did. Another trend started around that time and continued as I moved to Facebook. They never said a word unless it was negative or a criticism. I started to work for their approval.. which didn't come. I'm not sure why I thought I needed it.

Then the thing with Mike happened. My second son had never been as close to me as he was to his dad and it was then that our limited communication stopped. My oldest son was a bit aloof and was in favor of me finding a place of my own over here instead of coming back. My daughter was the most supportive and helpful. It was she and her wife who drove Mike to self-surrender in Pennsylvania, who helped me unpack and stayed a few extra days to make sure I was going to be ok. Not too long after that even she started drifting away.

I needed all of them them more than ever. I was so afraid and so new at this being on my own thing. My calls and/or texts went unanswered most of the time. I made excuses for them. They had their own lives to live and were busy. Blah, blah, blah.

I couldn't understand why they were being like that. Don't we all know of grown children who still help their parents? A son who will come over to fix things or mow the lawn? A daughter who will come to maybe help plant a garden or try a new recipe? The image of my children doing that for me was completely shattered.

There's the distance thing, of course. A two and half drive to three hour drive. I would have liked to think I'm worth the effort once in a while, though. My oldest son and his wife haven't been over here in five years, but they go to Florida twice a year. They've even driven this way several times for sporting events but didn't stop in. I've actually begged that son and my daughter to come help me a few times since Mike's been gone.

So, last Sunday, one of those last straw things happened. I knew I couldn't handle how they made me feel any longer. I *divorced* them by blocking them on Facebook and from my phone. They know my email and they know where I live. I doubt I will hear from them either of those ways.

At the beginning I said I didn't know if what I am feeling is sadness or regret. It's both. Not because of what I've done, though. It's because they probably don't care. Maybe haven't even noticed..

Things That Go Bump In The Night

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 16:48:00 +0000

I remember being terrified there was a monster in my closet or under my bed. I would turn off the bedroom light and run and do a flying leap onto my bed. I imagined the monster under my bed reaching for my ankles and missing them thanks to my clever maneuver. Needless to say, closing the closet door at night was a must. And never EVER let an appendage hang over the side of the bed! I also remember that if I did hear a noise, I felt a lot safer if I pulled the covers up to my chin or even over my head (in extreme circumstances).

Funny how I transitioned from that into liking what my daughter calls 'dead body shows'. I enjoy watching forensic type shows. There's one I watch where the narrator's voice is so soothing that I listen to it as I fall asleep at night. I recently watched a documentary on Netflix about the Body Farm in Tennessee. Disturbing, but interesting.

I'm fascinated (now) with ghost hunting and haunted places type shows. The more realistic, the better. I can't say with one percent certainty those shows with people going into haunted places are true but I like watching them collect evidence with all their gadgets. EVPs, Mel Meters, voice boxes, thermal cameras. Oh MY!

I have a bookmark on my browser for a really nice ghost hunting kit. I'm not sure if I would ever have the guts to use it. A couple month ago, I almost went to the old Eastern State Penitentiary in West Virginia. It's supposed to be one of the most haunted places in the country. Finances and time constraints were a problem and the plan was cancelled.

Maybe someday I'll be able to go. Until then? I'll keep the closet door closed at night and my hands and feet on the bed.

No WoW

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Fri, 09 Aug 2013 18:11:00 +0000

Ever since I had to give up my desktop computer back in December, I haven't been able to play World of Warcraft. I did get a real basic and inexpensive laptop a few months later but it just doesn't have much oomph. I can play, with a teeny bit of lag, at Pogo Games. I can do most stuff (games) on Facebook.

I sure do miss World of Warcraft though!!!

Hannah Runs

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Wed, 07 Aug 2013 15:47:00 +0000

I've always felt bad for Hannah hardly ever being able to run free. The couple times she has was at the fenced in area at our storage unit. Mostly because I've always been fearful she would run off and I'd lose her. She's spent her outdoor life on a leash or tie-out (to go potty).

There's been a lot of rain this summer. For a while it seemed like every day! My yard got soggy. Hannah will not walk on soggy grass. I'd put her on her tie-out and let her out the door. She would sniff the grass, look at me and run back up the stairs. No amount of effort on my part could get her to step on that evil grass.

This led to taking her out the front door where there isn't as much sogginess. One problem. She's strong and can pull me and/or pull me down. I'd have Mike take her out when he'd get home.

One night I got brave. I let her out the door unleashed. She did her business without wandering too far. She came when I called her. I'm not so sure she would have if there had been distractions.. another dog, people, etc. I'm still not so sure. But I'm trusting her more.

Back to the point of this post -

Knowing the grass was soggy today, I let her out the front. I was holding her leash just in case. I let her wander farther away. And farther. Then I rattled her leash and called her. And she RAN to me. I did this with her over and over.

I don't know who enjoyed it more.. me or her.

Messed Up

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Tue, 06 Aug 2013 19:14:00 +0000

I am very opinionated. That's a fact. Sometimes that's good and other times it gets me in trouble. But I'm always honest and, when asked, will tell it how I see it. Ok ok.. sometimes I don't always wait to be asked. *blink*

One problem is that my opinions are skewed by a past of abuse, lies and the ordinary and extraordinary things life will throw at you. I sometimes react in a way (maybe) the majority of people wouldn't. I've worked hard exorcizing the demons of my past. They are not an excuse for me or my actions anymore. Yet, old habits are hard to break.

I also have a degree of paranoia. I constantly worry about what others think of me. This can be very distracting and, in part, keeps me inside. I worry people will be repulsed by my obesity. In the store, I actually look around to see if I'm the fattest person there. Usually I am. I'm ashamed to eat in the car because I worry someone will drive by and think 'no wonder she's fat'. (I know at least one other person who shares this with me.) Because I'm a smoker, so I try to keep away from people so I don't offend them with my smoky smell.

Hmm. I'm a bit surprised how much I was able to come up with.. and how quickly. I better go think on it.

Good News - Bad News

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 18:10:00 +0000

First the good news. We finally decided a second dog wasn't the way to go for us. Last Sunday we adopted an 8 week old Humane Society kitten and named him Simon. He's already had his first shots and has been neutered. He and Hannah are working on becoming friends. We love him to pieces!

Here he is just chillin'.

I put up a YouTube video of Fishies for him to watch.

Now the bad news. After doing so well (for months and months and months) on my current psyche meds.. well.. I'll just say they need to be changed. My depression is getting really bad and my anxiety level is HIGH. (I have an appointment this month on the 27th.) I feel almost frozen in place and even the most mundane things are extremely hard for me right now.

I also have a fractured foot.

PLUS - About a month ago my primary physician took me off the med that helps with the stomach disease I have which was caused by diabetes. She said thought it was the culprit behind some other symptoms I'd been having. Ever since then I've had recurring stomach pain.

There's a couple other things going on but think I'm already sounding like a bit of a hypochondriac. I'll stop here.

Maybe I'm Asking Too Much

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 20:10:00 +0000

I have all these thoughts rambling around in my head. Maybe if I put them down I can make some sense of them.

About a week ago I got hit hard with baby fever.. as in a puppy or a kitten. Something I could hold in my arms and cuddle with. Sure, we have Hannah, but she's a cow and doesn't settle down enough to *cuddle*. (We were told Labs calm down after a year. She's almost 4. :P)

Last Saturday we went to a pet store just to look. Uh huh.. sure! I fell in love with a teeny tiny Teddy Bear type puppy and we bought him. The next day we took him back.

See, I still have some panic/agoraphobic issues. We can just put Hannah on a tie out. For the puppy though I'd have to take him out many times a day while he's being potty trained. I didn't think I could do that. I kind of knew I couldn't do that. Not consistently. I was heartbroken about returning him and frustrated with myself for not being a *normal* person.

I still have baby fever. We decided against a really small dog and have moved up to medium sized. We've also decided against a baby for the reason I mentioned above. Maybe a young to adult dog. I've scoured classified ads, shelters, Humane Societies and Craigslist every day this week. I only found one dog that whole time and by the time I called it already had a new home.

This might be because I'm asking for too much. I've redefined my search criteria. I want a cute dog with lots of personality. I prefer spayed female. It has to be a snuggler without being needy. Potty trained and crate trained. Medium to low activity and medium to low maintenance. Walk well on a leash. Gets along with Hannah.

Hannah. That's the other thing that's occupied a lot of my thoughts. She's very used to being the only dog. She knows all the names of her toys and will bring them to us when asked. She knows what time of night she gets her treat. She loves(!) chasing a laser light. She knows different words we say to her and her favorite thing is to go bye-bye.

So many questions! How would bringing a new dog into the mix affect her? (She got slightly jealous of the puppy we had for a day and night.) Would she share her toys? How would we make a new dog feel comfortable in its new home and still give her the attention she needs? It's so confusing.

I suppose I need to mentioned the "one pet rule" in our mobile home community. Lots of people have cats and a dog. That gets overlooked by management. Quite a few people have more than one dog. I'm not sure how strongly that is enforced, but that's why we want a smaller dog. Harder to spot. ;)

I guess I'll keep looking. There's a dog out there somewhere for us. Maybe.

What It Looks Like

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Mon, 17 Sep 2012 15:19:00 +0000

Two days ago my daughter was changing the brakes on her car when the jack moved and the car fell on her upper arm, pinning her down. She was pinned there for half an hour.. partly waiting for help to arrive after she called 911.. the rest of the time with rescue personnel getting the car off her.

I have these two pictures that I thought might be a bit graphic to put on Facebook..

This picture was taken in the ER.

This was taken today.

The Perfect Home

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 16:33:00 +0000

Mike and I used to drive around and look at mobile homes in local trailer parks. It was an innocent and fun pastime for us. Daydreaming of *someday* moving away from apartment living. Two and a half years ago we bought a double-wide in a nice community.

We still have a dream of owning a house, though. Lately we've been looking at real estate listings. It's today's version of when we used to look at mobile homes.

We really only have a few nonnegotiables ..

We have to have a garage and basement. These are mostly for Mike although I would like a basement for tornado sirens. The rooms would have to be large enough to fit our furniture. We want central air conditioning. A large, fenced yard is a must, too. Low payments and taxes. Close to Mike's job. (Ok, maybe more than a few nonnegotiables.)

Is there a perfect home for us out there somewhere? Maybe. It really doesn't matter right now because we can't buy one. But it IS fun to daydream, though.

One Phone Call

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 13:37:00 +0000

It's funny how one phone call can change your life. Suddenly the things you thought worth worrying over seem so trivial. What to cook for dinner, the laundry piling up, whether or not to BLOG, for Pete's sake!

My mom called yesterday to tell me she has colon cancer.

One phone call can change everything.

Indecisive

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 15:59:00 +0000

Ok. I've been tossing around the idea that I might start blogging again. That makes me think of why I stopped almost a year ago..

I was bogged down in trying to keep up with the Heads Or Tails meme. I was overwhelmed by the large number of paid posts I was required to do. (Or lose the opportunity to work for them.) I ran out of things to say. Of course there were other contributing factors, but those are the ones I care to mention.

I see a lot of things I will need to change if I come back. Things to eliminate, things to update. Do I really feel up to all that? I don't know.

Snicker!

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 16:28:00 +0000

Spring Is Coming

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 13:05:00 +0000

The official first day of Spring is this Sunday. Can you believe it? Seems like just yesterday we were all complaining about the snow and being cold. Maybe that WAS just yesterday for some of you. But, here in my part of Michigan the snow is almost melted thanks to some warmish weather and lots of rain.

Today it's supposed to get somewhere in the mid 50's. Yeehaw! I might open a few windows like I did last Sunday and let in more fresh air.

Warmer weather makes me think about vacation time. Road trips! We only went on one trip last year. Hard to believe. We're getting older though and driving for extended periods tires us out faster than it used to do.

We've tossed around the idea of getting a pop up camper to tow and even a small RV. There's the storage fee to figure in of course and deciding if it would really be a good investment for us. How much would we really use one?

I don't expect we'll get one this year. Don't be surprised to see us pulled over doing some rv repairs sometime in the future though! Mr. Skittles could most likely do most repairs on his own. He's handy like that. =)

Random

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 09:36:00 +0000

I don't post as often as I used to. BUT, I did just renew my domain name last week for another year. With that renewal I wondered if I should change up the look of this old blog of mine. I don't have any ideas about what to do with it, though. I'm not sure if I even remember how to.

I think I would like to use a good online website builder to help me if I did. One that has all the information and tools I would need. Templates, etc. You know.. all the things to build a new website, maybe from scratch.

I'm a little reluctant. I'm so used to how things look and feel here at Skittles' Place. I think my two readers are, too. (Do I still have two readers?) Help would surely be needed. I'm sure of that. I don't remember coding. I don't even have the copy of this template anymore since I got a new computer and forgot to save a lot of what I had on the old computer.

I used to know HTML. My sidebars have a lot of HTML. It's all flown whoosh right out of my head now. So, yeah.. lots of templates to choose from. Help with coding. I bet I could use help with a lot of stuff and a good online website builder would most definitely come in handy if I decided to make a change.

Spring Forward

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 10:39:00 +0000

Tonight is the night we all set our clocks ahead one hour. Yippee.. an extra hour of sleep. =)

Spring will officially be here next week. Let's hope the weather reflects that as sometimes it feels like someone forgot to tell Mother Nature. The weather here has been quite nice for this time of year except for a little return of snow yesterday.

Spring makes me think of flowers. It also reminds me of a birthday right around the corner. My mom's birthday is in April and I always like to send her a nice bouquet of Spring flowers! Maybe this year I'll check into Wilmington Delaware flower delivery. Even though she lives in Florida.

---

Note: We LOSE an hour of sleep tonight. BOOOOOO!

It Didn't Work

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 20:18:00 +0000

I tried quitting smoking with the patch. It didn't work. If anything the one I used may have been too strong for me so when I try next time I'll get the smaller one. But for I now have cigarettes in the house again. If I was a stronger more determined woman I would use some cutting tools like scissors or my paper cutter and just be done with them. IF. I wonder why it's so easy to start a bad habit like smoking but it's so hard to quit?

Do you have any bad habits you need to quit, too?

Camera Critters - Goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 23:33:00 +0000

It's been a long time since I played Camera Critters.. but last week Gina my amazing guinea pig passed away. So goodbye to her. She was a good little guinea pig..

Need Something To Do

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 23:25:00 +0000

I quit smoking today. I figure if I can wear a patch in the hospital(s) for nine days then it was really dumb to light one up as soon as I was discharged. So Mr. Skittles picked up a box of patches for me on his way home from work yesterday and today was my quit day.

It's not easy. Anyone who has ever tried can tell you that. I need something to do with my hands. I could get another latch hook kit or maybe get a ring mandrel and make some jewelry.

Anything but overeat! I don't think I'll do that though. Overeat I mean. My stomach has shrunk and I eat way less than I used to. My appetite is lower, too. Good for my health. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow and see if I've lost more.

Home For Good

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 18:59:00 +0000

I've been away. First it was six days in the medical hospital.. home three days, then 3 days in a psychiatric hospital. What a mess things have been but I'm home now and on the road to recovery. Knock wood. I'll save the gory (not so gory) details for another post maybe. I just got home yesterday and I'm still a little shaky but I think I'm ok to do a little posting.

I could view the beautiful blue skies out the windows in both hospitals. Mr. Skittles would let me know the temps when he would come and visit me. Of course I didn't mind being inside when he'd tell me wind chills instead of actual temps. I longed for Spring though when he told me we were having a warm up.

Spring reminded me of when I was married to my ex and we had an above ground pool. I wouldn't fill it until the temps were at 70. It would be nice to have one again. I might need a few pool lifts to get me in one now. I so much heavier then I used to be. But I've been losing weight recently, 35 pounds to be exact, so if I keep losing I could maybe get in one by way of ladder. This is all a moot point. We don't have room for one where we currently live.

I just lost focus of this post. Oh yeah.. I'm home for good. Let's hope I can stay here. I think I can now.

This And That

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 17:19:00 +0000

I'm back up at the higher dose of Geodon as of last night. And last night and this morning was awful. It felt like my head was in a vise being smooshed together. As it started wearing off, around 8am, the pressure and shakiness started going away. Then at 8:30 it was time to take another. I can't handle it. I've called my doctor and am waiting to see what he has to say.. what he's going to change me to this time. UGH!

---------

With our tax refund on the way and a bonus from Ford coming a week later, Mr. Skittles has been daydreaming about possible vacation plans this summer. I'm not able to think that far ahead not knowing how I'll be feeling then. I know there's pull up stations for gas and food and I would only have to get out of the car for potty breaks if my panic hit while away.

He'd like to visit Utah. I would, too. I think first on the list would be a trip to Florida to visit my mom. I haven't seen her in three years I think and that's far too long.

Are you thinking ahead to summer yet?

Energized

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 14:13:00 +0000

My house is clean. VERY clean. I can't sit still and I'm pretty sure it's the Geodon.. one of my newer meds. I think I'm actually locked in a manic or hyper mode and have been so almost a whole week.

Just yesterday I did our bedroom (sheets included), my bathroom, my computer room, the kitchen (fridge included) and a load of laundry. I already did Mr. Skittles' bathroom the day before and I'm not to clean his 'man cave' computer room. He likes it the way it is, but that's another story. Oh.. I also cooked dinner, washed, dried and put away the dishes.

Crazy, huh? I'm clueless about how to burn off the energy today. I'm sure I'll find something. Anyone want help with their housework? Laundry? Vacuuming? Dusting your sports trophies?

Of course there will be a down side. Manic phases are always followed eventually with a crash. I hope and pray it won't be too bad.

I'm Melting

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 11:30:00 +0000

Surprise! I'm not going to talk about my meds this time! Although I do have things I could say if I wanted to. Next post maybe. Today I'm here to talk about my desk chair.

I'd had my old desk chair for years and it had become almost like a security blanket for me. My safe place to be if I was having problems. Last month it finally gave out and I had to get a new one.

I like the new one a lot. It's very classy looking, kind of like an executive chair, and oh so comfy. One problem has developed, though. The hydraulics don't hold. I'll be sitting here at the top position and before I know it I'll be sitting at my desk like a little kid sitting at the big people table. I stand up, pull the lever and up it goes again. This process repeats all day.

Mr. Skittles has called the office store where he bought it and they said to bring it in. Now we just have to wait until he has time to do it.. probably next weekend. Until then I suppose I can spend more time watching one of our télés and less time feeling like I'm melting. *Smile*

Two Steps Forward

noreply@blogger.com (Barb) — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 20:27:00 +0000

Two steps forward, one step back.. that's how my days have been. I'm trying to relax and slow down when I need to step back and not dwell on those times. If I didn't, I would get pulled down by it. I almost had that happen the other night.

Of course the times when I take the two steps forward are wonderful. I feel almost as I did months ago when things were going well. Before I had a major crash and burn and all these med changes started. I thank God during both times though because I know He knows what I need. It would be selfish to only thank Him during the good times.

The sleeping aid Trazadone is working well for me. I still don't sleep a whole straight 8 hours, but I'm up to five hours. That puts me awake in time to make coffee and breakfast for Mr. Skittles before he goes to work.. then I go back to sleep for a couple more hours.

One of the things I like about Trazadone is that I sleep soundly without tossing and turning. It works pretty fast, too. I could almost sleep in a dog bed and not care.

That's my update for now. I'll be back in a few days.