Shaggy Dog Stories

Star of Euphrates

2008-12-20T23:45:00.000-08:00

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of Euphates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"

Crosus sang, When you wish to pawn a Star ... makes no difference who you are....
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Om

2008-12-14T19:09:00.000-08:00

He was still a novice meditator. His goal was to become an Arahat, a worthy person. He had given up all his possessions, his family and his friends. He had studied Tripikita night and day and had strove to follow the Noble Eightfold Path, but it was not enough. He had not reached the inner peace, the perfection, the Nirvana necessary to finally become a lama.

Then the toothache came. It would not stop no matter how much he tried to meditate. Yoga failed. He had to visit the dentist who found caries extending down to the root. He would need a root canal operation. He readily agreed. Anything to stop the pain.

The dentist offered Novacaine or Nitrous Oxide. He refused. He had the entire root canal done without any type of anesthesia. And when the operation was finished he knew that he had reached his goal in life.

He was finally able to transcend dental medication.

Frankenstein

2008-12-06T19:22:00.000-08:00

]

We have created a monster, Doktor Frankenstein!" screeched Igor, the doktor's right and left hand man.

Before the good doctor could stop him, Igor waved various human limbs and organs in the patchwork face of the giant, howling, "Tell me, stranger, are you from these parts?"

Who was Obama in the 17th Century?

2008-12-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

Baroque Obama

http://www.flickr.com/photos/djbrady/3009485082/

The Terminator

2008-12-03T18:35:00.000-08:00

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

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"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

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"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

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"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
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Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
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So Arnold says........
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"I'll be Bach."

...

2008-12-01T00:33:00.000-08:00

Kermit Jagger, the frog, goes to a bank to get a loan.

He talks to Miss Patricia Whack, the bank teller.

Patty asks Kermit what he has for collateral.

The frog pulls out a small figurine, a glass pink

elephant.

Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheap knick knack."

The bank manager walks and overhearsd the conversation. Looking over, he says, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless...

That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Looking for the Northern Lights

2008-11-29T13:47:00.000-08:00

This guy and his girlfriend lived in Austin and they decided to go and see the northern lights. They figured that they would just drive north on I-35 until they got to the end and that should do it. So, they set out on their trip and they're both very excited. They are so excited that it is all they can talk about.

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Well, after a couple of days they get to the end of I-35 just south of the Canadian border. They find a nice field in which to park, and the entire sky is lit up with the beautiful northern lights. The guy, who's been driving, leaps out of the car at the wonder of it all; he's jumping up and down like a little kid.

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Meanwhile, his girlfriend is still sitting in the car and reading a magazine. He can't believe it! So he says, "What's the matter? Does the aurora bore ya, Alice?"

Source of Image:

flickr.com/groups/52669389@N00/

Love Story

2008-11-27T00:25:00.000-08:00

I used to know two hens named Tina and Marge and we had a lot of fun together.

..t.ogether.

But, when I met my true love, Martha, I called them up on the phone and said, "I've met the love of my life. I won't be able to see you anymore, but we had a lot of good times. And you're gonna find somebody to call your own, very soon."

Nevertheless, they became very sad and depressed and were on the verge of tears.

So, I said, "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."

Siege

2008-11-25T22:49:00.000-08:00

To begin this story, we must imagine an English castle under siege by a large part of the French Army. Not only was the castle under siege, but large scaling ladders were being built in full sight of the defenders. It did look bleak for the good guys.

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In the nick of time, one of the defenders, Sir Bedevere, offered to bring in a large family of jokesters he knew. They were to get the Frenchmen laughing so hard that they'd fall off the ladders as they tried to swarm the castle.

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"I don't understand. How in the wor ld can you do that?" asked the king.

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"I have a punning clan, milord..."

Source of Image

http://homepage.mac.com/philipdavis/Images/The-Siege-of-a-Castle.jpg

A shaggy dog shaggy dog story

2008-11-23T10:54:00.000-08:00

One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States. The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits. Just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but watermelons. He doted on them. His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully. He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner. His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her.

She said, "Come to me, my melon collie baby."

2008-11-22T16:44:00.000-08:00

St. Francis of Assisi

Master of Hoogstraten
c. 1505

Some friars wanted to do more for their flock but their vow of poverty, simple lifestyle and lack of gainful employment meant that their supply of available funds was, to say the least, meager. Nevertheless, they put their collective heads together and came up with the idea of opening a small florist shop. They reasoned that they could grow most of the flowers on the church grounds, and what they couldn't grow, they could likely pick from the surrounding countryside.
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As you can probably guess, everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God and their little business flourished. So much so that the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close their little shop, but their flower business was providing them with much-needed funds for their good works and they refused. He went back time and again, finally begging the friars to close. By this time, they had tired of the florist's constant whining and they ignored him. The florist even asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the flower business, but they ignored her, too.
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By this time, the florist was nearly backrupt and in desperation hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" the good friars to close. Being a man of few morals and even fewer religious convictions, Hugh had no ethical problems with his assigned task and promptly gave the friars a thorough beating and trashed their store. He departed with a stern warning that he’d be back if they didn’t close the shop. Terrified, the friars did so immediately, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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2008-11-21T02:23:00.000-08:00

Milton Berle, affectionately known as "Uncle Miltie", was television's first superstar. Every Tuesday night for twenty years starting in 1948, all commerce would come to a halt on Tuesday nights as everyone found a television set where the family could watch the Texico Star Theater. But, Uncle Miltie had a gambling problem, and in the forties no one had conceived of Gamblers Anonymous for compulsive gamblers. Every week during rehearsals, Berle would play gin rummy between takes, and he would always win big. By the time the show aired, he usually had won as much as his weekly salary by blitzing his producer. But after the show, they would play craps where his luck was always bad, and by the end of the evening, he would have lost everything he had won during the week. Everyone connected with the show knew that Uncle Miltie could certainly handle gin, but invariably, ... Milton's pair of dice lost.

Lifeboat

2008-11-20T00:29:00.000-08:00

A Wreck off the South Pier, South Shields,

John Scott

1861

South Shields Museum and Art Gallery

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it, safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This worked well because the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter.

Snail maxims

2008-11-17T02:32:00.000-08:00

After ravaging the pansies, the gastropod turned his attention to the roses: "So many beauties," he sighed, "so little slime."

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Mary Anthony, Grand Rapids, Michigan in the anual Bulwer-Lytton writing contest.

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

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and what you may not of known about snail slime:

Researchers have discovered unusual properties in the mucus secreted by giant African land snails which they believe might have important applications in medical science.

It could lead to a new treatment for broken bones.

The team led by Professor Christopher Viney at Heriot-Watt University, in Edinburgh university, found that the snails' slime contains unusual crystals of Calcite - a commonly occurring mineral.

They noticed that under certain conditions the slime dries and quickly hardens to form the animals' epiphragm - the covering across the opening of the shell seen when the snails go into periods of deep rest.

Professor Viney, who has studied mucus from slugs, thinks the material could prove useful in the treatment of bone fractures or certain operations like hip replacements.

He said of his research: "We've already established that slug slime, which many people would think of as a very simple, if messy substance, is in fact a complex material.

(Slime in time saves nine?)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/low/health/900869.stm

Source of image:

http://www.pdphoto.org/PictureDetail.php?mat=pdef&pg=5612

The Ghost and the Photographer

2008-11-08T01:34:00.001-08:00

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains."I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

Source of image

http://flickr.com/photos/nat_olly/1468372830/

Fern Research

2008-11-08T01:31:00.000-08:00

A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular kind of fern, so he sent a request to all his collegues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very well, and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about any ferns, rather than just the one species. So within just a few hours of sending it out, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of useless documents about all kinds of ferns - there were tree ferns and wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns... but very few about the particular type he wanted.So he sent another message to everyone:If it ain't bracken, don't fax it.

Source of Image

http://www.worldinmotionvr.com/sendcard/fern.html

Skunks

2008-11-08T01:30:00.000-08:00

A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out. One day In was out, so she aked Out,"Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in, I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in."

"What?" said Out.

"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him In, I've been looking for ages and can't find In, I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."

So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"........."In stinkt."

http://la.curbed.com/uploads/2008_07_skunks.jpg

Circus Circus

2008-11-08T01:29:00.001-08:00

Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said, the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion's mouth. When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses. He called the Lion Tamer into his office." I'd really like to keep you on, because you keep the circus going," the owner said. "But I've had to sell your lions because they cost too much to feed. Still, you're good, and we need you, so if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job." "Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"" Well, to tell you the truth," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd never sell him!"" I'll take him," said the Tamer.So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem: no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth. "My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild."Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't thought of an encore before, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better." So he stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. Well, the two feet together are almost as big as the dog's head, so the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf. And the moral of this story....?

Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.

Chess competition

2008-11-08T01:25:00.000-08:00

A chess competition was being held in a hotel and various contestants were in the open-air lobby discussing their victories of the day. After about an hour of this, manager of the hotel came into the lobby and asked them all to leave."But why?" they cried."Because," the manager explained, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Robins

2008-11-03T12:35:00.000-08:00

Two robins sat in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I just love baskin' robins."

Painting the Church

2008-11-03T12:31:00.000-08:00

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"

Teepee

2008-11-03T12:30:00.001-08:00

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two-story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

Source of Image

http://msl.state.mt.us/For_Librarians/Library_Directory/default.asp

Hungry lion

2008-11-03T12:27:00.001-08:00

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

Insomnia Cure

2008-11-03T11:58:00.001-08:00

Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia. It was a rare night that he slept more than an hour. He had consulted numerous physicians in Mexico and the United States but none had been able to help him. Even the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep. One day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful señorita named Esta Gonzales. Now when he wants to rest he just looks at her picture. Miguel has known from his childhood that when you see Esta, you sleep.

Very Logical

2008-11-03T11:19:00.000-08:00

In the year 2744 a human survey team discovered a planet whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of something very like granite. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squatted motionless on a vast rocky plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It had legs (two), but apparently never rose to walk on them. It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke. It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a fifty-story condominium, but the organ lay dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lived. This puzzled hell out of the scientists, who tried everything they could think of to elicit some sign of life from the behemoth--in vain. It just squatted, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?" It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, pondered for a second, boomed, "It couldn't," and squatted down again.

"Migod," exclaimed the xenobiologist. "Of course! It only stands to reason."

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This tale was first publshed by Spider Robinson in Callahan's Crosstown Saloon (1976)

http://www.spiderrobinson.com/

Source of Image

http://www.trekearth.com/gallery/North_America/United_States/photo490460.htm