40licious

Do Over! Becoming an Artist after 40

2013-06-14T21:51:00.001-07:00

Reubenesque Landscape by Sharon L. Robinson

This guest post is from Sharon Lia Robinson of Port Townsend, Wash. She has inspired a new feature for this blog, called "Do Over!," stories about people who started something completely new in the middle of their lives. Thank you Sharon!

I feel that I have always been on a pilgrimage. I have been a poet and a pathfinder my whole life. My spiritual faith gave me a great deal of assistance to face various challenges.

In my 40s, I had several life-changing experiences. One is that in 1995, when I was 45 years old, I traveled for the very first (and so far only time) on a pilgrimage to visit Meher Baba’s spiritual center in Meherabad, India. I believe that the two week spiritual pilgrimage to Meherabad, India inspired me and gave me the courage and the serendipitous opportunity to begin to show my experimental art, beginning in the Metropolis Gallery in Seattle. Meher Baba’s spiritual teachings give me strength and support so that, even if my problems aren’t solved, this inner connection gives me the guidance I need to live my life and to lift my spirits.

Then, when I was 46, I showed intuitive collage art in galleries and began to sell work as well. Although this has so far happened only in a small way, I still feel that it is a gift and an opportunity. Although unable to draw in a representative fashion, I still persisted to create abstract art, even though I did not receive support or encouragement for many years.

In 1998 I opened an alternative art center, Edge of the Sea Gallery, in Port Townsend, Wash. The initial purpose of this gallery was to give more visibility to the work of artists and poets who were not mainstream or widely known, even in their own community. Another project that I started in my forties is a collaboration with Port Townsend, Washington, photographer Steven R. Johnson; to have his photographs of me shown alongside my poems. We call this project Rubenesque Landscape. Some of the art and poetry in our collaboration can be seen on my website.

The thread in all these activities is that I find strength to be myself, to express my personal vision and to believe in my dreams. Other experiences, including the study of Middle Eastern dance and hula, which honor more diverse body types, have helped me on my journey toward wholeness. I continue to combine these forms with free form dance and poetry for my creative movement projects. I was and am an innovator, often because that is the only way I am able to find the answers I am seeking.

Women in their 40s Are "Catnip" to Younger Men

2013-06-11T14:53:00.000-07:00

Today we're in the Irish Independent! The story is about how 40 is the new hotness.

Vanessa McGrady blogs at 40licious.com and regularly extols the many new-found pleasures of life after the big four-oh. She says: "The whole premise of my work on 40licious and the book I'm writing is that the 40s is really the sweet spot of our lives." She explains: "We have a lifetime of experience and lessons we can use; we are at the height of our personal power; we're earning more and we're able to walk the earth however we want. We become more compassionate people and start thinking about the legacy we want to leave." With so much to offer, is it any wonder many 40-something women are catnip to younger men?

Here's the full story.

Bond Girl Is Finally 40licious

2013-06-04T10:13:00.001-07:00

So happy to hear this. Finally, James Bond is doing away with his 20something trophies and hooking up with someone more age-appropriate.

Here's a nice take on it from the Guardian.

http://m.guardiannews.com/film/filmblog/2013/jun/03/penelope-cruz-bond-girl-oldest

Spirit: A Look at 40 around the World

2013-03-31T21:11:00.002-07:00

Aimee Cebulski

This is a guest post from writer and photographer Aimee Cebulski, who has recently released a new book called The Finding 40 Project. In it, she interviews and photographs more than 30 women in 10 different countries, all just turned or about to turn 40.

An additional goal for The Finding 40 Project is to support women's charities in the regions visited during the project. A portion of proceeds from book sales will be used to fund microloans and women's programs administered through charitable partner PCI Global (www.pciglobal.org).

Rosa Elena has never been further than the village 10 miles away from her home in Ecuador where she lives with her seven children and one grandchild.

The book profiles a diverse set of professional women, stay-at-home moms, entrepreneurs and even those living in tiny villages far from major cities. Several became mothers later in life; one even marries at 40 and is expecting her first child just after turning 41.

No matter what their situation, many are seeking ways to live their best life and be happy and content at 40. What can we learn from the women she interviewed in this two-year process?

Roll with the punches: For many of them, they never thought they would be mothers and oftentimes motherhood came by accident -- However, everyone universally said that it was a great addition to their lives and they felt blessed that their life took this path.
Be grateful for your health: Women interviewed in poorer countries or those struggling to make ends meet constantly stressed the value in being able to function physically and where possible have control over your own reproductive destiny.
Be true to yourself: Some women, who have chosen not to have children yet or are thinking about not having any at all, struggle with societal pressure, especially in heavily Catholic countries, and urge others to follow their own heart when it comes to what they really want.
Think about the big picture when it comes to money: Economic pressures are a key factor for many women who might already have one child or more, and at 40 are thinking about becoming pregnant again -- the effect of more children after 40 can have a higher impact on things like retirement planning or resource allocation in developing countries than it might for younger mothers.

Style: The Most Flattering Hairstyles for Women in Their 40s

2013-03-25T16:14:00.001-07:00

Photo: Allure

Allure magazine is calling out the most flattering haircuts for women in their 40s. They're all pretty classic styles: What I'm not seeing is choppy bangs, pixie cuts or anything too poofy. This is a good reminder to keep it real: If you're trying too hard or not trying at all, you'll just look old and sad.

And who else is in love with Michelle Obama's bangs? I think they deserve their own office.

Photo: Allure

Spirit: Bookshelf Porn

2013-03-16T12:17:00.001-07:00

This woman who turned an East Harlem brownstone into a lofty, light-filled home for her family?
I hate her precisely because I want to be her.

I will admit to being a junkie for a few things. House of Cards and other serial TV shows. Greek yogurt with honey. And bookshelves. Not real bookshelves, mind you, but the ones in decorating magazines. I hungrily lap up each new issue of Elle Decor and then immediately start coming down on my own organizational abilities. I feel a constant tug between wanting to get rid of all my stuff, and doing some uber-organizing on the stuff I have.

It might be easier if it were just me. I live with a husband and our nearly-2-year-old daughter, they tend to get upset when their things disappear. I am not an extremely slobby person. I occasionally leave a wake of wrong clothes in the bedroom during the morning rush, or the occasional "floor salad," as I like to call it, when I'm cooking. It's a space-time paradox: After working 40+ hours a week at my job, being a mom, and writing a book, there are only a few slivers of time to do anything else, such as major organizing projects.

My current fantasy goes like this: I am on paid vacation and home for 10 days, while Grace and Steve are out of the house for the daylight hours. Some of that time is spent doing yoga with a private instructor who comes to my house, napping, and reading the books piled on my nightstand. But the rest of the time I am with a drill-sergeant professional organizer/decorator, who knows intuitively which things we do not need, whisks them into a box labeled "donate" and proceeds to rearrange the few items we have left, and stack the books by color to make my home look like it belongs in a design magazine. And then Elle Decor comes to my house and takes a bunch of pictures, in which we are casually splayed out on our couch drinking lavender-herb lemonade and Grace is playing with a handmade organic Elmo.

Is all this bookshelf porn doing me more harm than good? It makes more 49 percent inspired and 51 percent inadequate. How about we start seeing Jennifer Anniston's closet BEFORE the photo stylists had at it? Or Jackie Collins' pantry with the spilled honey on the shelves and the cans of beans so old the expiration dates have faded? It's almost as if I were bombarded by images of skinny sexy 20-somethings in every ad, movie and TV show I saw, and know I will never be those things.

You can't be too rich or too thin. Or too organized. How do you do it? How does anyone?

Style: How to Accentuate the Positive (Plus Foot News You Can Use)

2012-11-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

Fashion expert Lindsay Weiner

As we move deeper into Shoe Season and think about holiday ensembles, we hear from Lindsay Weiner, fashion expert, certified image consultant and personal stylist. She's consulted on "Wha Not to Wear," "Moving Up," the "Today Show" and the "Jane Pauly Show." She's styled fashion editorial shoots and is an expert citied in books and articles about fashion. Her company, www.stylemeasap.com, is an organization dedicated to keeping people stylish, organized, and confident in their wardrobe decisions.

She answered some crucial questions:

1. What worked in our 20s and 30s that no longer works now?
Dressing appropriately is something that is important for all women and this includes dressing for your body type, lifestyle, and age. When it comes to women in their 40s, this often means that a little more coverage is required than what may have been needed in their 20s and 30s. And this is not to say that fashion and allure should go out the window, it just means they need to be tweaked. What does remain the same is the idea that you should dress to accentuate your favorite features, as this is still the key to a flattering and successful look. So if you have great pair of legs, show them off by wearing a shorter skirt. Instead of going bare legged though, add more coverage with a pair of tights or leggings. Or if you have fabulous Michelle Obama-like arms, wear a tank top and balance the bareness on top with a more covered bottom. Evolving your style with your age, doesn't need to be anything drastic, but a slight change here and there will ensure that you continue to look put together AND appropriate.

2. Can anything go with color and style or are there rules we need to understand?
When it comes to color, it's important to choose shades that match with your skin's undertones - either cool (blue) or warm (yellow). You can wear whatever colors you like, cool skin tones can wear yellow and vice versa, but following this guideline will ensure that the hues you wear "pop" and make you look your best. You can also use color to accentuate your favorite features. Bright and bold colors draw the eye in, so use them accordingly! And don't be afraid to mix things up. The old rules of fashion used to state that you couldn't wear navy and black, red and pink, or brown and black together, but that is no longer the case...you can! The key to wearing these combinations is to make it look deliberate. For example, don't just wear black shoes with a navy dress. Balance the look by adding other black accessories like jewelry and a purse. Doing this ties the look together and is a fun twist on typical color pairings.

3. How can you wear good shoes but not spend a ton of money?
Just because you like and want nice shoes, it doesn't mean you have to spend a fortune on them - you just need to know where to find them and how to get the best deals. One way to do this to buy your shoes off season, as this will be when they're on the biggest sale. Yes, you might have to wait a few months to wear them, but getting boots during the summer and sandals during the winter is a great way to save money. Flash Sale websites, such as www.gilt.com and www.ruelala.com, are also good resources for scoring designer shoes at a fraction of the cost. Another bargain finding trick is to visit consignment stores that specialize in high-end clothing. These stores only sell items that are gently worn, in good condition, and sometimes even new(!!), so you can definitely find deals at these stores.

4. Any other advice for women in their 40s regarding shoes/style?
Here are three of my favorite shoe tips that I share with all my clients, and even follow myself!
1) A nude pair of shoes is a must for every woman - they go with everything and will instantly add inches to your legs and make you look taller.
2) To avoid truncating the leg, stay away from shoes with ankle straps that hit at or above the ankle bone, as the horizontal line cuts the line of the leg and makes you look shorter.
3) To make any pair of heels more comfortable, have a cobbler add a thin, rubber sole to the bottoms. The rubber is shock absorbing and makes it easier to pound the pavement all day in your fabulous shoes.

Style: Shoe Season Begins Now

2012-11-07T21:32:00.003-08:00

Gucci "Lisbeth" red patent leather Mary Jane peep-toe pump

The holidays are arriving quickly. I know this because I made a pumpkin-cream cheese swirly cake thing and ate half of it the day before I was going to enter it in the work Halloween baking contest. So I had to make another. (I won the contest, if you were wondering.)

Which brings me to shoes. The pre-holiday season is really about shoes, not just because of leftover back-to-school feeling, but also because no matter how much we eat, we will fit in our shoes. The right shoe is the difference between you owning the room and merely displacing some air in it. Also, you can wear the same black dress every year and nobody will really notice or care, but the right accessories can send you home with a charming English base player just in town for a few days on tour.

So I've recently interviewed a bunch of shoe experts for my book, including my new girl crush Meghan Cleary, from whom you will hear in the coming days. But first up is Linda Arroz, co-author of "Affordable Couture" and major fashion influencer.

Linda Arroz

About style: "What works in our 20s and 30s may not work for us in our 40s. By the time you're 40 you may be well on your way to establishing a professional image in your career. In your 20s, you were more carefree, experimented with fashion, had a lot of fun and maybe even changed jobs a few times. The 30s bring about some clarity, maturity and are about building a body of work, perhaps having children."

About trends: "Unless you're a model, actress or exotic dancer, a lot of trendy stilettos may not work in your favor, especially at work. That's not to mean you can't be fashionable. A stylish platform pump with a high heel works for women in their 40s, while a shoe with 'no-heel' could make you look like you're trying too hard to be cool."

Indulge in the "no heel" look at your peril.

About classics: "Some shoes are timeless, like a 2-inch heel pump with either a pointed or oval toe box. Find your fit in a shoe like this and buy it in the season's trend color or material, as well as black. Try colored suedes in the fall, and leopard print, which has become a fashion classic, can be worn all year long in any style of shoe. Looking fashionable from head to toe means evaluating the shoe. Often the entire outfit is based around the shoe, if it's not right, everything looks off, regardless of your age, but especially in your 40s. If you work in a creative field, all bets are off. You wouldn't wear shoes or boots with lots of buckles and studs with a work suit, unless you work for an advertising agency or as a fashion designer."

About comfort: "Comfort counts more as you get older, but you don't have to sacrifice style. In your 40s you may be traveling or attending trade shows for work, or keeping up with your children. A lot of high-end shoe designers like Stuart Weitzman say that lower heels and flats are their most popular styles. Why else would the perennial ballet flat be so fashionable? If your feet hurt, it will show, and body language gives off signals. When you're in your 40s your confidence levels should be at an all time high. Don't give it all away because your desire to wear ill-fitting or higher heels won over logic. Podiatrists and other medical experts have been telling us for years about the health hazards of wearing stilettos. The higher the heel, the balls of the feet take on the bulk of your weight. Combined with a more narrow toe area, called the toe box, women experience a variety of problems like bunions and hammer toes. Do an internet search for celebrity feet, for example, and you'll see links to ugly and hideous feet suffering from these exact issues. Logic suggests that women's feet aren't shaped like a triangle, yet most women's shoes feature a narrower shape near the toes. High heels and platform shoes are often the culprits in ankle and feet fractures. I'm a fashion victim myself, having broken my left foot twice. The first time, my foot twisted sideways wearing cork wedgies, and a few years later, my fabulous burn out velvet platform slides bumped up against an uneven sidewalk and caused me to fall and twist the foot. I've since learned my lesson. Try watching women walking in their high heels. You'll observe the instability of the feet and ankle. Even runway models have been known to fall off their shoes. (Mashable posted a compilation video of models slipping and falling on the catwalk.)

A classic example is from an episode of 'Sex & The City' (season four, episode 'The Real Me') when Carrie slipped and fell down on the runway."

Money: 100 Ways to Keep More Money in Your Pocket

2012-10-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

Image courtesy peasap from Flickr Creative Commons

Last night some friends and I held a brainstorming session on Facebook about ways to save or make money. We got to 46. I'm trying to get to 100 crowd-sourced ideas for the 40licious book, got any? Here's what we have so far:

1.     Hold clothing swaps
2.     Shop at thrift stores
3.     Split entrees at restaurants, or take leftovers home
4.     Look on Craigslist or EBay first for electronics and furniture
5.     Ask your stylist to hook you up with haircolor so you can do your own roots in between visits.
6.     Trade babysitting with friends
7.     Walk instead of taking cabs in NYC. It's usually quicker
8.     Make your own dog treats. Cheaper and you know what's in them.
9.     Shop at farmers market for in-season produce, which tastes better and is usually cheaper than the supermarket
10. Don't order takeout or delivery unless there's a legit reason
11. Buy beans in bulk instead of cans
12. Make your own coffee in the morning and bring it with you in a travel mug to work.
13. Negotiate with your phone company, cable company and Internet provider. They don't want to lose your business. I've only been paying a tiny amount for Internet service for years because I threaten to leave every six months.
14. Get a soda stream and a brita so you can make your own bubbly water to replace your ridiculous pellegrino habit.
15. Stop smoking
16. Use both sides of the paper
17. Stop emotional/impulse spending: If you're dying to get that dress/makeup/par of boots, wait a day, see if you're still jonesing for it, then make the purchase.
18. Organize your stuff and have a place for everything: You'd be amazed how much extra stuff you buy when you're disorganized and can't find something you already have.
19. If you do NEED a new dress Shop at Ross or TJ Max or some such discount store first...
20. See if you can make Halloween costumes from stuff you already have (cowgirl, tourist, gypsy, zombie, nerd, ), or swap costumes with friends or other parents
21. don't need that much meat. Try using half, or go meatless a couple days a week.
22. Re-evaluate how much you're paying in bank fees, insurance, credit cards, etc. Do a full financial inventory.
23. shop in your closet!
24. Read parking signs carefully and keep cash in the car so you never get a parking ticket.
25. kid fashion: hand-me-downs
26. Cook at home. Take a yogurt and granola bar for breakfast, and pack a nice lunch of leftovers or soup or cold cuts
27. Give up alcohol for a month and you'll save money and even lose weight :-).
28. Fabric painting, decorative patches, saves stains and holes in clothes, brightens them up and gives them a new look
29. Get boots resoled don't throw them out
30. ribbons make great shoelaces
31. Use it up, wear it out, make it do ... or do without."
32. Use your apps to keep an up-to-date inventory/shopping list.
33. Use a lipstick brush to get every last drop of your favorite color!
34. Thrift-shop online at Poshmark, Twice and Threadflip
35. Trade skills at your local time bank
36. Try getting it at Trader Joe's or the ethnic market before the regular supermarket
37. Grow your own herbs
38. A chicken or turkey gets double mileage when you use the carcass for stew or soup
39. Use Freecycle and Craiglist to score free stuff. Sometimes it's yours for the asking.
40. There's this thing called the library where you can get free books, music and movies. Seriously. For reals.
41. Order cleaning supplies, health and beauty aids, diapers and other stuff you replace regularly through Amazon.com Subscribe 'n' Save. If you're an Amazon Prime member you get free shipping, and a "subscription" to the items saves you a big percentage, as well as time shopping and parking. Totally worth it.
42. What can you do as a side gig? Copyedit? Build websites? Babysit? Walk dogs? Housesit? Teach guitar? Draw pet portraits? Paint decorative mailboxes? If you think about it long enough you'll figure out your side gig. One person I know saved up enough from cocktail waitressing on her off-hours to put a down payment on a house.
43. There's soooo much music you can listen to for free: Spotify, Pandora and of course, you can go to the library and get music risk-free and download what you love.
44. Upcycle your clothes: Can that dated dress become a cool tunic top? Icky sweater can turn into cute leg warmers with the flash of scissors. If you're good at it, you can sell your creations on Etsy.
45. Use your fresh and perishable food first so it doesn't go bad.
46. Join a Yahoo! online community specific to your profession, neghborhood, hobby, interest or kids’ age. You’ll be amazed how generous people can be with advice, discounts, insider information and gear.

Money: Is Owning a Home Your American Dream?

2012-09-17T22:47:00.001-07:00

Only one of about 1,000 press releases catches our eye here, like this one from TD Bank. (We came for the news but stayed for the infographic.) A recent study by TD Bank reveals that 64 percent of women believe homeownership is essential in defining the American Dream. In comparison, only 52 percent of men felt owning a home was important. Furthermore, aspirations of homeownership are more prominent with women, with 66 percent of current female renters stating they intend to own a home in the future as opposed to 57 percent of men.

What do you think? Is a home essential to YOUR American Dream?

Money: It's Different for Women in Their 40s

2012-09-15T11:19:00.003-07:00

Kevin Brosius

Today's interview is with Kevin Brosius, president of Wealth Management, Inc. He is a fee-only financial planner (which means he's not paid by an investment firm to sell their products) and investment advisor with offices in Allentown and Plymouth Meeting, Pa.

1. By the time a woman hits 40, there are a lot of variables she may be facing financially, especially if she's dealing with a blended family, supporting a spouse, or starting over again financially. What are some of the most common financial situations you see for women in their 40s?
I used to do some work for a law firm, providing a financial overview for divorced couples after their divorce is final. 90% of those that took advantage of the session were women (average age 40-50) and overwhelmingly what I found was that most were legitimately surprised about their financial situation. I don’t think the post breakup financials for everything from current cash flow to retirement savings were properly thought out or negotiated. It can be devastating to find out that you can’t afford your home and have to move out. Another issue I see with women is their desire to pay for their children’s college in full. Even divorced women with limited resources seem to want to go down this path. That can be a huge expense and usually a very difficult strain on family finances, especially if it is a single paycheck household. First thing I tell them is don’t commit to that for your children unless your retirement is fully funded.

2. What are the most important ways a woman in her 40s should protect her assets, even if she is blissfully coupled? Make sure you have the appropriate levels of insurance. I think many women don’t give this enough due diligence. Disability Insurance is so very important as women age (men too for that matter). We are three times more likely to be disabled than die before we retire. If your employer doesn’t provide one as part of your benefits package, get a commercial package but don’t go without it. Have enough life insurance to provide for your family should something happen to you. There are many cases where the woman is the major breadwinner for the family. Should her paycheck suddenly disappear, it would be a real hardship. Also, check out long term care policies. Take a look in any nursing home, vast majority of residents are women. This care can really drawdown assets in a hurry. Get a quote for LTC, see if it fits your budget.

3. What are the most fair ways to arrange or split finances if one partner makes more than the other? Or should it all just go in one pot? I like the single pot approach. However, I have created budgets for remarried couples. A lot of them have some kind of arrangement like 50-50 for all household expenses, groceries, etc. Then they are on their own for autos or other activities they want to do. Seems to work for those that I worked with. As long as the arrangement is understood upfront, it’s usually OK.

4. Anything else people should know?
A lot of women in their 40’s don’t understand how their money is invested – like in 401ks or IRAs. They really seem to be clueless about this and that is very important to funding their retirement.

Where do you start to take control of your financial life? Read books, ask people, and you can also contact Kevin or another fee-only financial advisor through NAPFA. Happy planning!

Style: 40licious Women Getting Edgy with Their Hair

2012-09-05T22:42:00.003-07:00

New York Times photo

One thing you finally learn when you're 40licious, hopefully, is where your hair can and can't go. For example, in 1982, I decided I wanted an asymetrical cut, short on one side, angled down the back, then long on the other. Which would have been on trend if I had thick, straight, shiny hair. I do not have thick, straight, shiny hair. I have very curly hair with a mind of its own. And back then the best I could do in the way of styling produts was Dippity Do that I had to sneak into our shopping cart.

When you are 40licious, you are also, hopefully, rocking your own bad self. Like a slew of women 40 and older who are filing into salons demanding cuts on the wild side, reports the New York Times.

Come on, how about a few pink tips, just to keep it fun?

Relationships: After the Worst Dates Ever, What Next?

2012-08-06T22:58:00.003-07:00

Today's post comes from Marcy Miller, author of Rebooting in Beverly Hills, who needed to figure out what came next after being married for most of her life.

After a self-esteem damaging divorce -- my husband cheated with a younger woman and discarded me like day-old sushi -- I needed positive reinforcement that I was still desirable. Being over 40 in our youth-obsessed society also added to my anxiety. I needed professional dating help but I did not know where to turn. I kept up my active social schedule, I continued to ask friends and acquaintances to be fixed up. But dates were few and far between, and the idea of a professional dating guru became more and more attractive.

One day I happened to be talking to a friend about matchmaking services, and she told me that she had just heard about a single woman in West Los Angeles running her own private dating agency. She tracked down the cell number, and I called immediately. Harmony wanted to meet the next day at a neighborhood Starbucks to interview me. She clearly wanted to make sure that I was datable before taking me on as a client. She would not even tell me how much her service cost. I was game for a latte and a little fun. She was there early, and I felt like a model on a runway. She looked me up and down, had me twirl around and then whipped out her MacBook to show me her line-up of eligible men. I must admit, the array was very impressive. She had me pick those whom I found attractive and then read me short bios on each. It was like picking out chocolates at See's Candies. I was having a great time with no calories. The time arrived for her sales pitch. She charged $2,500 for a woman and $5,000 for a man for an annual membership, with a $5,000 premium if she made a marriage. She handed me her contract, and as a good lawyer, I changed the language so that the marriage premium was to be paid by the man. I could only hope that this clause would be used.

I wrote a check on the spot and could not wait to be introduced to one of her stable of bachelors. First, she needed a picture for her female computer line-up. She sent me to her photographer (another $200) to have some pictures taken in pre-approved venues. I was draped across the sidewalk and leaned against the back of a Porsche. It was all very contrived but I did as I was told. About two weeks later, she called with the first date. It turned out that the way she worked was to show my picture to the men and see if they were interested in meeting me. She would then send me their pictures with a brief bio -- usually formulaic. "Seth is a lawyer who likes fine dining, travel, movies, romance." I knew that I would agree to meet every person she sent. After all, she was the professional and I wanted to get my money's worth.

The first date did not start well. He called and asked where we should meet for a drink. I suggested a well-known lounge in Beverly Hills. He said that he did not want to drive that far, and suggested another place quite far from my home. The message was clear -- I was not worth his time, and it was fine for me to brave rush-hour traffic. But seeing as this was my maiden voyage on the see of matchmaking, I acquiesced. At least he looked exactly like his picture, which wasn't bad. He ordered a glass of merlot for each of us without asking me what I liked to drink. He then droned on and on about his children, his lousy ex-wife, his golf game and the knee he injured while skiing, never once asking me a question. When I managed to interject a word into his monologue, he ignored it. Finally, I had had enough. I looked at my watch and explained that I had to leave. He stopped abruptly and told me that I owed fifteen dollars. Shocked that he expected me to pay, I slapped a twenty dollar bill on the table and started toward the door. He stayed seated, finishing his wine. As I was about to drive away, I discovered that, in my haste, I had left my sunglasses on the table and rushed inside to retrieve them. What I found was my date drinking from my half-filled, lipstick-stained glass of red wine. Instead of ordering more for himself, he was drinking the dregs of a stranger's glass.

When I arrived home, I emailed Harmony: "I will not bore you with the details, but my date was a heathen and should not be dating anyone of our species." I was beginning to worry that my $2,500 might not have been the wisest investment. As it turned out after five more equally miserable dates, I had thrown the money down the drain. My advice: Beware of matchmaking services unless you are permitted to speak with other clients who have been successful or are given one free match.

So how do I spend my time instead? I found a new group of single friends of all ages. They have more time to spend with me and have more in common with me anyway. They give me dating advice and are more interested in girl talk and female bonding. They are looking for company at art exhibits, gallery talks, movies, lectures, spa time and even travel. They have free nights and weekends, as do I, to pursue all the fun things a great city has to offer. My new friends are fun, smart, engaging women of all ages. I also bought a pair of season tickets to the opera, symphony, and theater and invite a different new friend to dinner and a show. Now, when I bump into women from my old married life, many of whom disappeared, I honestly am grateful for the time I spent with them. But it reminds me how fortunate I am to have my new women friends -- they are now like family to me.

Spirit: Forms of Forgiveness

2012-07-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

This tree in Duekmejian Park is called the McFall Oak. During the Station Fire a couple years ago, firefighters surrounded it while everything else burned. Now the rest of the park has forgiven the fire, and it is moving along with its life.

We live in uncertain times. By "we," I mean we as a world, a nation, a bunch of Southern Californians, but I also mean "we" as the McGrady/Spiller household, our family. Among our major decisions these days: how do we remedy our poor choice in Ikea entertainment centers; should we move to a bigger place; and which is the best sippy cup for 1-year-old Grace. We are on type no. 4 or 5 now.

I keep dropping things.

Today at the Armenian market I spilled some limes and an eggplant. And also, at the pharmacy while I was waiting in line holding Gracie and trying to unblock the straw from aforementioned sippy cup no. 4 or 5, the stroller tipped over backward. And then I dropped the cup. And then the baby slid out of my arms and onto the floor. She was still and quiet for a second and then wailed, turning kind of pink. I picked her up right away and bounced her and cooed to her, saying "sorry, sorry, sorry" softly in her ear.

I'd let the woman behind me in line step in front, and she said, "no mama, you'd better go." I was moved and teary by her simple kindness, the kind you expect from friends but is so rewarding when it comes from a stranger.

Gracie stopped crying a moment later and threw her little arms around my neck, and hugged me tight, and babbled on about her day as she peeked curiously at someone (who surely has eight cats at home) reading a magazine with a magnifying glass sitting next to us.

Tonight I am thinking about forgiveness and all its forms. And how forgiveness separates us as a species from something like reptiles, or Ikea furniture. And that I will work harder to forgive strangers and the people I love.

Style: Mixed Chicks Tell How to Rock the Hair Your Mama Gave You

2012-06-07T13:38:00.001-07:00

Mixed Chicks are Wendi Levy and Kim Etheredge

Today we're so happy to talk to the chicks behind Mixed Chicks, a cruelty-free and vegan natural hair care brand specially formulated for multi-textured hair.

1. What is the most important thing women in their 40s need to know about their hair?
That they are stuck with what God gave them!! Actually that now that we are in our 40's there is no better time than now to take chances and wear the styles you never thought you would. If you're looking to go natural go for it. Whatever your heart desires you should fulfill.

2. Let's talk about style: What worked back in the day that won't serve us well today?
I would have to say the jheri-curl and the shaved look on the side. Now women can wear their hair in a curly style without the greasy, smelly product that can ruin your clothes and pillowcases and have curls that flow and move naturally. There are so many products on the market that can help one achieve the look for their specific curl pattern. In the 80's it was popular to shave off one's side of the head and women today were trying to bring that back. It's not really in your best interest because the waiting time for your hair to grow back in and the awkwardness of the way it looks is enough to stay away!

3. What advice does Mixed Chicks give to a woman who has a radically different look for work and for play?
Versatility Rocks!!!

BONUS GIVEAWAY: "Like" us on Facebook between now and July 1, 2012, at www.facebook.com/40licious and get the chance to win a free Mixed Chicks leave-in conditioner, perfect for your gorgeous summer hair.

Mixed Chicks offers a complete hair care line at more than 350 stores and will be expanding to more than 700 in July, including Target and target.com.

Relationships: Learning How to Be a Mom (The Hard Way)

2012-05-12T22:43:00.001-07:00

Today's guest post comes from Teresa Rodriguez, an Emmy-Award winning newscaster.

As a little girl, I knew my mom would always be there for me…..whether it be waking me up to go to school, preparing breakfast and making sure I had all my books before she kissed me on the cheek and waved me off to class or buying remnants at the local fabric store to sew clothes for me so that I would have new dresses to wear. She was my hero, a statuesque, beautiful, brunette with the tiniest waste, the longest legs and a smile that could conquer all. She never mastered the English language, a native of Cuba, she came to this great country well into her thirties and as was the custom there, she became a housewife, taking care of my older brother and me, while our dad worked as a busboy at a popular South Florida hotel. We grew up in a lower income neighborhood, but our memories were always happy ones….now I realize how difficult it must have been to make ends meet, but by the look on her face, you would never have guessed it. In fact, she turned our rented home into a shelter for others arriving from the Communist island – offering them free room and board until they were able to afford a place of their own, often times, serving herself the smallest portion in order to make sure the children ate first. Some of these “families” became an extension of ours. Somehow, despite our limited resources, she managed to feed anywhere from 4 to 10…every night.

She never got beyond an eighth-grade education which is why she wanted me to go to college, to get an education and to explore the world. Although I helped her with household chores, she always explained that I would have ample time to learn the basics of cooking and cleaning, but an education came first. Her words became my impetus for achievement. Four years after my high school graduation, I became the first one in my family to obtain a college degree and move on to a very successful career as a Spanish language news anchor, broadcast journalist and author.

Unfortunately, breast cancer claimed her life before she was able to witness any of these milestones. Today, as I write this tribute in her memory, I think back to how she always wanted a better life for me, how as a struggling immigrant herself, she gave of herself and what she didn’t have to total strangers and how, despite her failing health, her positive outlook and incredible disposition never waned.

Little did I know that I would become a widow in my early forties, raising two boys by myself, then 10 and 15, while working full time in a very demanding field which included traveling at the drop of a hat and where the forty hour work week is unheard of. It wasn’t until that moment, nearly ten years ago, when my husband died suddenly of a massive heart attack, that I found myself mimicking my mother’s actions. I recalled her smile and as I held on tightly to my boys, I reassured them that we would get through this. Her example was etched in my mind and heart. She had given me the strength and conviction that I would later use with my own children.

Today, those boys are men – one is a sports anchor at a Miami television station and the other will be a junior at the University of Michigan this coming fall, where he will most likely continue on to law school. They are not just my sons, they are my best friends. I know she would have been very proud of what her grandchildren have become. Somehow they, too, are fulfilling a part of her dream.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my mom, her examples and her smile. She created a strong, independent, hard-working woman with a generous heart and an optimistic outlook on life. I’d like to think that someday my kids will have those same memories of me and hope my example will leave an imprint on their lives, above all may they never forget the power of love, the power of a smile and the power of a mother.

Health: Stories We Were Told

2012-04-23T22:44:00.001-07:00

I have a deep resounding gratitude for the sisters and mothers and grandmothers who came before us, who told us we could have it all, who forged a truth that we could delay motherhood until we were bored with the corner office. They made me feel a little sorry for the girls I knew who got pregnant so early on, one kid after another, who kept putting their career dreams on hold.

At 22, I figured I'd delay getting pregnant for two more years. And then it was two more after that. And a career and trips around the world and inappropriate boyfriends and some miscarriages and living in the woods off the grid in a tiny cabin and more just messing around and whoa, suddenly I'm 40licious. And the baby part became complicated. And my girlfriends 35 and up are having a helluva time starting families. There are a couple successes, but those have been harrowing. One girlfriend suffering through infertility treatment laments, "but I did everything RIGHT!!!"

I am at peace with how I got here. I fully believe that every day, every second on this earth so far has led me to my sweet Grace Magnolia, my daughter whom we adopted when she was born nearly a year ago. I can't be mad at the Liberation sisters, either, because I do have it all now -- but just not in the way I thought I would. It's better. And I believe the Libbers truly, truly believed you could do everything. What our sisters didn't really count on was the science of the body.

My mother occasionally says something so wise I remember it forever. In this case, "whatever you want to be doing in 10 years, you have to start now."

Money: How to Score a Discount at the Spa

2012-04-15T14:30:00.000-07:00

Today's post comes from discount diva Andrea Woroch, who gives us the lowdown on how to save at the spa.

1. Wellness Week
Today kicks off SpaFinder's Wellness Week. From now through Sunday you can indulge in your favorite treatment for just $50, or at savings up to 50-percent off, along with various free events. Find out which spas and salons are participating in your area by visiting SpaFinder.com.

2. Off-peak Perks
Weekday mornings are slow for most spas and salons so you can generally find deals during the morning hours. Call ahead to find out what discounts are available and take advantage of these off-peak perks.

3. Search for Savings
Consumers cut back on luxury services during tough economic times, so spas look for ways to boost business by extending specials offers to attract old and new clients. To find these exclusive deals, sign up to receive e-newsletters from your favorite spa or follow them on Facebook and Twitter. Alternatively, you can score up to 13 percent instantly by purchasing discount gift cards to SpaFinder from sites like GiftCardGranny.com.

4. Cut the Extras
Basic services like a massage or facial can be affordable as long as you skip the extras. Spa service providers may try to bump up your bill with enticing add-ons like an extended body treatment (extra 30 minutes), or perhaps an invigorating body scrub. Though the cost of these treatments seem minimal, the fees quickly add up, especially after you factor in gratuity.

5. Get Group Discounts
Many facilities will extend discounted rates for groups of five or more on various services and treatments. Organize a Sunday spa day with your gal pals and work with a spa manager on group pricing and package deals.

6. Student Savings
You don't have to be enrolled in school to enjoy student savings. Many massage and spa schools offer great rates or sometimes even free services from their students who need to practice their skills. These are extremely affordable resources for great spa and beauty services.

7. At-home Spa
Though chemical peels are best left to the experts, there are plenty of basic services like facials, manicures and body scrubs that can be done at home. To get the full spa experience, set the mood with soothing music, scented candles and bubble bath.

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Andrea Woroch is a nationally-recognized consumer and money-saving expert who helps consumers live on less without radically changing their lifestyles. From smart spending tips to personal finance advice, Andrea transforms everyday consumers into savvy shoppers. She has been featured among top news outlets such as Good Morning America, NBC's Today, MSNBC, New York Times, Kiplinger Personal Finance, CNNMoney and many more. You can follow her on Twitter for daily savings advice and tips.

Health: Why Our Eyes Change in Our 40s

2012-04-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

My grandmother's original Bakelite frames. She had it going on!

I distinctly remember the first time I could see clearly. I was 10, and I stepped outside the optometrist's office on Lexington Avenue and saw that buildings had edges. They no longer blurred into the sky like a smudged painting. The city looked like pictures in books, and on postcards! It was a kind of elation, akin to a first taste of flourless chocolate velvet cake, or a first orgasm, or a first roller-coaster ride.

Every single day of my life since then has been helped with glasses or contacts in order to see more than 4 feet from my face, but I'm incredibly nearsighted, and can read you everything on a penny 2 inches from my eyes. I took solace in this and considered it a kind of superpower.

However. A few months ago I realized that I have to hold menus further away in dim restaurants. I can't cuddle down with a book wearing my contacts. And I have to sit exactly so in order to see my computer screen. So I visited my incredibly earnest and wise eye man, Dr. Korth.

He rummaged through lens combinations and asked me to read excerpts of Benjamin Franklin's biography in small and large type. He painstakingly flipped lenses back and forth to see which worked best. And he finally announced that indeed, as with many of us in our mid-40s ("40licious," I corrected him) as my far-away vision is sharpening, it's sacrificing my close-up vision. "Perhaps this is a holdover from cave days ... if I can't run as fast, I'll need to see better?" I wondered.

He made a proclomation as he handed me a set of new lenses to test. "You might have to give up some of your overall long-vision power in order to see better close up."

Which makes perfect sense, in so many ways. Sometimes we need to let go of the very long-term focus so that we can really see what is right in front of us. Right now.

Relationships: Keep Crazy in a Bottle

2012-04-01T21:02:00.002-07:00

I was having a conversation today with a friend about jealousy, which brought me back to 1994, the last time I remember being insanely jealous in a relationship. I was dating a wild Irishman who was an outlandish but convincing liar. Like the time he told me he didn't come home because it was raining so hard and the windshield wipers didn't work in his van, so he had to pull to the side of the road and sleep there. All night. There was a Teutonic construction worker in the wings named Monica, and their hushed conversations at parties + his prolonged absences + his short temper with me + rumors about them being together + plus the FEELING that I had about them I knew equaled an affair.

But over and over again he swore that there was nothing going on. Eventually, I took my own lover as a way to soothe the wounds, but not before putting my fist through a window and screaming at him, naked and freezing after I'd gotten out of the shower. At a friend's house. That was low.

Mind you, I am a completely different person now. This was in the Dark Days of Drinking in a small Northwestern town.

After that, I vowed that I would never again allow myself to arrive at a position of jealousy. If I ever felt that again, justified or not, it was not the right relationship for me.

This doesn't mean I haven't felt jealous, or left out, or crazed from non-communication, or a number of other negative emotions since then. But I gained a valuable tool (vicariously from advice a friend's shrink gave her). "Keep crazy in a bottle," the therapist said, when my friend became unglued for whatever offense. You can ramble to your girlfriends or parents or therapist about it, but when confronting the boyfriend, keep it cool. You'll get further and you'll be more productive. You might be wrong. There might be missing information. Regardless, you're in the position of power when you are still.

I'd like to take that shrink's advice one step further. Put crazy in the bottle. And then when you are ready, throw the bottle in the ocean and sail on to calmer shores. You will never need it again.

Money: Everything Is Negotiable

2012-03-04T21:57:00.000-08:00

My mother's genius astounds me. She is one of the most amazing artists I have ever seen. She is also very good with telling you who played opposite Cary Grant in North By Northwest and the love affairs of Rita Hayworth. She can also find the shining star in every single human being, no matter how many layers of grime obscure it.

But. There are some things.

I would probably check twice if she gave you directions on how to get somewhere. And there seems to always be some kind of dispute with the phone/cable/power/city people over something.

So I decided to work on getting Internet service for her and unravelling a torrid history of misunderstood promotions and failed promises with her local service provider. I called them.

The representative quoted me a price for her monthly service, $19.95. Which seemed fine. And then some back fee from a long time ago that needed to be cleared. And then a $4 "convenience fee."

"Convenient for whom?" I asked. "Look, I realize I have a lot of choices for Internet here. Don't lose us over a $4 fee."

"Hold on,"he said. I held, for a while.

"I can't refund the fee, but I can give you a $50 Visa gift card, is that OK?"

Yes, it was.

Feeling quite smug, I called my mom and relayed our conversation, and told her to call the company to book her service turn-on.

She called me back a couple days later. "I got them down to $9.99 a month. I just told them I know I have plenty of other options."

People will always try to lowball you. And even when you think you've hit the rock bottom, there's probably a little wiggle room under the rock.

Packing the Spiritual Pickup Truck

2012-02-22T21:59:00.000-08:00

I want to say that I've spent the last month doing something incredible, like composing a concerto for violin and washboard, or knitting booties for poor babies in cold parts of the world. But I haven't.

Instead, we've re-homed Cinco the Chihuahua, who was deeply depressed without his Lucy and cried every day, and then snapped at the baby. There were tears but no scars, and we sent him to our wonderful dog-devoted friends in Northern California, where he will be much happier. He has a backyard, three dog siblings, and new parents who completely adore him.

I have also caught up on all my back episodes of 30 Rock and The Office.

And have enjoyed every second of my baby girl, who has terrible sleeping habits because I don't want her to cry, and because I have tried to breathe in her sweet scent every possible, including the late nights and early mornings we semi-sleep, tete-a-tete, in our big bed with Steve snoring way over on the other side.

I went to a funeral yesterday for a neighbor who was in excruciating pain from rheumatoid arthritis, and in the sitting downs and standing ups and rote chanting of the mass, the priest said something that stuck with me. He explained how hard it is for each of us to pass from one phase of life to the next -- from womb to world, and then the world to the next place. We get comfortable in however it is we are living, we don't embrace the changes that must happen. But they will happen. I have become comfortable in my life. Which makes me uncomfortable.

I used to always drive a pickup truck because it meant I could leave whenever I needed to. Up and out in one night. Then I stopped breaking up (and moving in) with people and became a person who would stay no matter how ugly or toxic the situation was, to show that I could.

But here is something about 40licious: If we want to be something or do something for the rest of our lives, we should start now. Right now. We need to load up our spiritual, emotional, and intellectual pickup trucks and bring them to the next phase of our lives, or we will be paying for storage of things we will never again use.

Relationships: Lucy the Dog Part IV

2012-01-18T21:02:00.000-08:00

She's free.

Yesterday would have been to soon to let her go and tomorrow too late. She was done, her beautiful body broken beyond repair, its parts all worn out. I was not ready to let her go. In between wracking sobs, I kept telling her things I wanted her to have in her mind on her last day. Things I remembered about us -- when we lived together in our cabin in the woods and how we went to the beach every day. She was always the fastest dog on the beach.

Lucy was so well loved. Many vistors come to say goodbye. My beautiful neighbor Kaumudi did an impromptu puja ceremony to pass her to the next place, and to welcome fortune and goodness in her wake. The candles are still burning tonight for our sweet girl.

The mobile vet arrived in green scrubs. He was sweet and took his time and gave us room to nuzzle her fur and tell her our final words. I told Lucy that where she's going is one huge beach, with lots of stairways up to people's yards, and nobody cares if dogs come over. At this place, the squirrels are very slow and sometimes fall out of trees. There is as much ice cream as you want and you never have to fetch anything or take a bath. It's also home to her dog friends Fred and Chloe and Bilbo and Paolo, and my Dad, who could probably use a dog up there.

One injection relaxed her, the pain drifting out of her body. Another slowed her breathing. And she just stopped.

I would bet good money that she's the fastest dog on the beach again.

Relationships: Lucy the Dog Part III

2012-01-17T23:02:00.000-08:00

Somewhere along the way, Cinco and Lucy became best friends.

My girl is shutting down. She ate a little ice cream today, and drank hardly any water. We went outside about 10 times, walking slowly, doing nothing. Two girls, just walking together. Going anywhere. Nowhere.

People are coming to say goodbye to her. She made a lot of friends, this dog. People tell me their stories and they tell me I'm doing the right thing and to be strong. I will be that person on the other side someday, offering my condolences to a raw, aching person like myself right now.

The vet will come tomorrow afternoon. I have learned the code for this type of visit is a "house call." He will administer a shot that will put her in the "twilight." Then a megadose of anesthesia. And she will drift out.

Cinco, her little Chihuahua brother, has become protector. He licks her constantly to make her better. He stands guard and won't let people get too close. In solidarity, he won't eat any food either. He won't leave her side. I take comfort in this. We are a pack.

I spend time curled up in a nest of pillows with her, breathing in the last of her doggie smell. Probably smells like gross old sick dog to everyone else. I reminded her today about the time she ate a whole Easter basket and pooped out pastel foil wrappers for two days after. About the time we flew on a seaplane to the Gulf Islands and I had told the pilot beforehand that she was a lap dog -- I didn't mention she'd take three people's laps though. About the times she'd been attacked by other dogs, and I jumped in to tear those bastards off her. That I would give any piece of blood or bone or flesh from myself to make her better.

When I look at her I think, "She's a perfectly good dog. She's just got all these things wrong with her. But other than that, she's a perfectly good dog."

If you think you have the best dog in the world, I am sorry. You are just wrong. You might have the best dog for your city or state or village or whatever, but Lucy is the best dog in the world. I know this truly. The best. The best. The best dog in the whole world, today, tonight and forever.

Relationships: Lucy the Dog Part II

2012-01-16T13:29:00.000-08:00

I have three years' worth of favorite memories with my husband, and seven months' with my kid. For Lucy, I have 14 years of experience. It's not full of adventure and mishap. It's two friends who lived together and loved each other and went a lot of places. To me, my time with Lu is a novel, a movie, a Bible. She has taught me so many lessons. The most important: Assume everyone you meet will be your best friend, and chances are, they will.

Other times that shine in my Lucy mind:

When I first got Lucy I was dating a guy who lived on a sailboat. I went down to visit him and Lucy was following me along the maze of marina docks to get to Jeff's boat. When I got there, I realized Lucy was no longer behind me. I backtracked. No Lucy. Then someone said, "is this your dog?" pointing to the water. Why yes, indeed it was. Lucy had somehow toppled over the side and was just dog paddling until I came to fish her out. She hated swimming after that.

When she was a puppy I used to take her to work in my tiny office in Port Townsend. She would hang out while I wrote stories or matched couples for my dating service, and then we'd go play on the beach for a while. Once she was very, very uncharacteristically quiet and I turned around to see her chewing on my brand new Lord & Taylor chunky-heeled mary jane shoe. I was aghast. "Oh, Lucy," was all I could say, in a throaty, disappointed voice. She looked up, stopped in mid-chew, and never touched a shoe again.

She used to bark at and try to herd farm animals -- horses, cows, chickens. We once went to visit my friend The Pig Lady and her husband Dan, who raised potbelly pigs. Lucy was chasing around the pigs and freaking them out. Dan gave her a swat, which freaked me out. We loaded up into the truck and drove out for an impromptu camping trip in the woods near a stream. I cried half the way there. Lucy and I did a lot of hiking. She ate a lot of deer poop that trip.

I once tied Lucy up outside a fancy tearoom in Victoria, went for a quick tour, and came out to find a bunch of Asian tourists crowding around her and taking her picture. I guess they'd never seen a Lucy before.

When I started my Very Corporate Job at a Very Conservative Company we had a two-day offsite meeting at a fancy hotel. I didn't have anyone who could watch Lucy, so I brought her with me. She became part of the last-day's team-building exercise. This helped to establish that I was the slightly wacky creative person in the office, so that perhaps all rules would not apply.

Once Lucy and I drove from Los Angeles to Washington's Olympic Peninsula for Thanksgiving. My genius plan was to make the return trip without stopping at a hotel for the night, just napping along the way. Which would have worked except for two things: It is cold as hell is hot in the Siskious in November, and when you turn off the engine, there is no heat. And also, that I am a human being that can't type an email, let alone drive a car, if I haven't had enough sleep. By 2 a.m. it became clear that my plan was a failure, but there were no hotels in sight. So I'd crank the heat until we were baking, pull over, cuddle together in the back of the Prius under my down blanket, and then get up and start all over when frostbite began to set in. During one of those times, we woke up to snapping cold to see that we'd parked under a shimmering Mt. Shasta, glimmering like a giant diamond in the pre-dawn cobalt sky. It was, to this day, the most amazing sight I have ever beheld. I'm so glad Lucy was there to share it.

Lucy is not doing well. She paces around until I let her out, then she strains to pee and poo, then meanders through the bushes in our courtyard until I come to get her. She lies on her bed and sleeps. I lie down next to her and we spoon and she shivers and I cry into her fur and feel her silky ears and try to imagine the moment when she is no longer warm and with us.

I do not know how to say goodbye.