40licious

Relationships: Lucy the Dog Part IV

2012-01-18T21:02:00.000-08:00

She's free.

Yesterday would have been to soon to let her go and tomorrow too late. She was done, her beautiful body broken beyond repair, its parts all worn out. I was not ready to let her go. In between wracking sobs, I kept telling her things I wanted her to have in her mind on her last day. Things I remembered about us -- when we lived together in our cabin in the woods and how we went to the beach every day. She was always the fastest dog on the beach.

Lucy was so well loved. Many vistors come to say goodbye. My beautiful neighbor Kaumudi did an impromptu puja ceremony to pass her to the next place, and to welcome fortune and goodness in her wake. The candles are still burning tonight for our sweet girl.

The mobile vet arrived in green scrubs. He was sweet and took his time and gave us room to nuzzle her fur and tell her our final words. I told Lucy that where she's going is one huge beach, with lots of stairways up to people's yards, and nobody cares if dogs come over. At this place, the squirrels are very slow and sometimes fall out of trees. There is as much ice cream as you want and you never have to fetch anything or take a bath. It's also home to her dog friends Fred and Chloe and Bilbo and Paolo, and my Dad, who could probably use a dog up there.

One injection relaxed her, the pain drifting out of her body. Another slowed her breathing. And she just stopped.

I would bet good money that she's the fastest dog on the beach again.

Relationships: Lucy the Dog Part III

2012-01-17T23:02:00.000-08:00

Somewhere along the way, Cinco and Lucy became best friends.

My girl is shutting down. She ate a little ice cream today, and drank hardly any water. We went outside about 10 times, walking slowly, doing nothing. Two girls, just walking together. Going anywhere. Nowhere.

People are coming to say goodbye to her. She made a lot of friends, this dog. People tell me their stories and they tell me I'm doing the right thing and to be strong. I will be that person on the other side someday, offering my condolences to a raw, aching person like myself right now.

The vet will come tomorrow afternoon. I have learned the code for this type of visit is a "house call." He will administer a shot that will put her in the "twilight." Then a megadose of anesthesia. And she will drift out.

Cinco, her little Chihuahua brother, has become protector. He licks her constantly to make her better. He stands guard and won't let people get too close. In solidarity, he won't eat any food either. He won't leave her side. I take comfort in this. We are a pack.

I spend time curled up in a nest of pillows with her, breathing in the last of her doggie smell. Probably smells like gross old sick dog to everyone else. I reminded her today about the time she ate a whole Easter basket and pooped out pastel foil wrappers for two days after. About the time we flew on a seaplane to the Gulf Islands and I had told the pilot beforehand that she was a lap dog -- I didn't mention she'd take three people's laps though. About the times she'd been attacked by other dogs, and I jumped in to tear those bastards off her. That I would give any piece of blood or bone or flesh from myself to make her better.

When I look at her I think, "She's a perfectly good dog. She's just got all these things wrong with her. But other than that, she's a perfectly good dog."

If you think you have the best dog in the world, I am sorry. You are just wrong. You might have the best dog for your city or state or village or whatever, but Lucy is the best dog in the world. I know this truly. The best. The best. The best dog in the whole world, today, tonight and forever.

Relationships: Lucy the Dog Part II

2012-01-16T13:29:00.000-08:00

I have three years' worth of favorite memories with my husband, and seven months' with my kid. For Lucy, I have 14 years of experience. It's not full of adventure and mishap. It's two friends who lived together and loved each other and went a lot of places. To me, my time with Lu is a novel, a movie, a Bible. She has taught me so many lessons. The most important: Assume everyone you meet will be your best friend, and chances are, they will.

Other times that shine in my Lucy mind:

When I first got Lucy I was dating a guy who lived on a sailboat. I went down to visit him and Lucy was following me along the maze of marina docks to get to Jeff's boat. When I got there, I realized Lucy was no longer behind me. I backtracked. No Lucy. Then someone said, "is this your dog?" pointing to the water. Why yes, indeed it was. Lucy had somehow toppled over the side and was just dog paddling until I came to fish her out. She hated swimming after that.

When she was a puppy I used to take her to work in my tiny office in Port Townsend. She would hang out while I wrote stories or matched couples for my dating service, and then we'd go play on the beach for a while. Once she was very, very uncharacteristically quiet and I turned around to see her chewing on my brand new Lord & Taylor chunky-heeled mary jane shoe. I was aghast. "Oh, Lucy," was all I could say, in a throaty, disappointed voice. She looked up, stopped in mid-chew, and never touched a shoe again.

She used to bark at and try to herd farm animals -- horses, cows, chickens. We once went to visit my friend The Pig Lady and her husband Dan, who raised potbelly pigs. Lucy was chasing around the pigs and freaking them out. Dan gave her a swat, which freaked me out. We loaded up into the truck and drove out for an impromptu camping trip in the woods near a stream. I cried half the way there. Lucy and I did a lot of hiking. She ate a lot of deer poop that trip.

I once tied Lucy up outside a fancy tearoom in Victoria, went for a quick tour, and came out to find a bunch of Asian tourists crowding around her and taking her picture. I guess they'd never seen a Lucy before.

When I started my Very Corporate Job at a Very Conservative Company we had a two-day offsite meeting at a fancy hotel. I didn't have anyone who could watch Lucy, so I brought her with me. She became part of the last-day's team-building exercise. This helped to establish that I was the slightly wacky creative person in the office, so that perhaps all rules would not apply.

Once Lucy and I drove from Los Angeles to Washington's Olympic Peninsula for Thanksgiving. My genius plan was to make the return trip without stopping at a hotel for the night, just napping along the way. Which would have worked except for two things: It is cold as hell is hot in the Siskious in November, and when you turn off the engine, there is no heat. And also, that I am a human being that can't type an email, let alone drive a car, if I haven't had enough sleep. By 2 a.m. it became clear that my plan was a failure, but there were no hotels in sight. So I'd crank the heat until we were baking, pull over, cuddle together in the back of the Prius under my down blanket, and then get up and start all over when frostbite began to set in. During one of those times, we woke up to snapping cold to see that we'd parked under a shimmering Mt. Shasta, glimmering like a giant diamond in the pre-dawn cobalt sky. It was, to this day, the most amazing sight I have ever beheld. I'm so glad Lucy was there to share it.

Lucy is not doing well. She paces around until I let her out, then she strains to pee and poo, then meanders through the bushes in our courtyard until I come to get her. She lies on her bed and sleeps. I lie down next to her and we spoon and she shivers and I cry into her fur and feel her silky ears and try to imagine the moment when she is no longer warm and with us.

I do not know how to say goodbye.

Relationships: Lucy the Dog Part I

2012-01-09T22:02:00.000-08:00

The first time I saw Lucy was in the spring of 1998. She was on a sliver of shoulder on a twisty road. One wrong step would have sent her down a sheer cliff to the frigid waters of Discovery Bay on Washington's Olympic Peninsula.

I slowed down to get a better look at this sleek, quick mutt, a cross between a beagle and a hound. Pretty. Redheaded. But there was no place to pull over for about a mile and when I finally did, I couldn't find any trace of her.

I'd had it in my mind I needed a dog, being an Annie Oakley type all alone in my cabin off the grid in the woods. I wanted a dog who would bark at strangers, retrieve endless tennis balls thrown on the beach, and warm the bed when the small cast-iron stove burned up all its wood.

A month later I went to the pound and lo, there was that same dog from the road. She'd been picked up a couple miles from where I'd seen her. They gave her a name -- Popcorn. For a really good reason. She was super spazzy and just wouldn't be still, jumping around the pen, trying to lift off and take flight when she was on a leash.

Nobody wanted her, she was cute but just too hyper. The pound folks kept her alive much longer than they were supposed to, hoping that someone in need of an uncouth, unschooled 9-month-old puppy with the deepest brown eyes you'd ever seen would need her. They'd waited for me.

I brought her home to my little cabin in the woods, and introduced her to the other residents, cats called Puck and Ajax. The first night we settled down by the fire with Cabernet and rawhide, and she happily drifted to sleep. In the morning I came down from my loft bed and woke her up. She jumped with a slight start, furiously wagged her tail, broke out into a huge doggie smile, and peed a little with excitement. It was, truly, the first day of the rest of our lives together.

I rastled with her wilddog stubborn mind, and we finally came to a compromise on obedience training. That anything she did at my command had to appear as if it were her own idea. She'd hear "come" or "sit" or whatever, look up into the air as if she were contemplating her next move, and then act in her own time. Eventually.

She never fetched one thing her whole life and greeted all strangers (even a burglar) as if she were running for mayor and could she please have their vote. She has always been the best spooner I know, however.

These past couple weeks Lucy's had it rough. She has a tumor growing in her abdomen. It makes it hard for her to pee at her own will, which is humiliating to this dog who had been known to hold it for up to 10 hours on a sailing trip through the San Juan Islands. She has gloppy masses on her body that break open and ooze. Tonight she was on the leash and fell over on her side as her hind legs seized up.

I called the vet and asked what we should be doing, and she suggested a prescription for an anti-inflammatory that might help her swelling and curb the pain.

"One month's worth?" she asked.

"Make it two."

Relationships: 20,000 Ways to Die

2011-12-28T23:31:00.000-08:00

When I became a mom, I realized there were about 5,000 ways to die. Now that Gracie is pushing 7 months and is all over the place, putting everything in her mouth and grabbing anything in 10-foot radius, I realized there are 10,000 ways to die.

Then my mother came to visit.

And now I realize, through Mom's advice and observations, that there are 20,000 ways to die.

I'm always a little on the morbid side since I have lost so many I love way too early. And now I'm following a really sad blog from a mom who lost her baby at 9 months to SIDS, and she writes every day and brings us along on her grief. Which is maybe why I hold this baby a little tighter than I might otherwise, and try to make sure she's happy every moment of her life.

Stay safe, Baby Gracie. Here's part of a prayer I say with her: May the angels protect you every second of every day, and all the space in between the seconds. May you always know luck, love, peace and happiness. I will always be your mama, forever. We will be together no matter where we are in this world or out of it. I love you.

Happy New Year

2011-12-28T23:17:00.000-08:00

Spirit: Holiday Apologies

2011-12-18T14:44:00.000-08:00

I am sorry, friend, that I can't make your holiday thing this year. I can't add one more thing to the calendar for fear of imploding. I love you so much though.

I am sorry, dogs, that I can't take you out at 4 in the morning. Go ahead and pee in the kitchen, see if I care. OK, I do care. But I'm still not taking you out at 4 a.m.

I am sorry, Christmas presents, but if you could please wrap yourselves this year that would go a long way.

I am sorry, housekeeper, that I can't make the place a little easier to work with when you come every two weeks. I would really, really, like to. I might not have the technical knowledge though. I hope you don't leave us because we're too messy.

I am sorry, sweet baby girl, that your clothes, while, clean, are stuffed in your drawer with no apparent organization. I do keep shoes, socks and hats in the bottom, though, if that helps.

I am sorry, husband, that I walk around with mascara smudged under my eyes and my black sweatpants that I originally got for my mom but kept for myself. And that I go to bed much later than you. That is because I am trying to stave off an avalanche of our stuff until every other Wednesday when the housekeeper comes, usually.

I am sorry, shrink, that I stopped going to you after the baby came. I would actually like to speak with you sometimes but I think I should use that money to pay the housekeeper for an extra week.

Here is what I am not sorry about, though. I am not sorry I have an amazing family, a warm cute home albeit small and cluttered, food in the fridge, a smart & talented & beautiful baby, and a husband who brings in a Christmas tree every year without being asked.

Spirit: One Perfect Christmas Thing

2011-12-08T22:40:00.000-08:00

The week had been nothing short of hellacious. We were slammed at work with an epic crisis. I somehow ended up taking a 36-hour shift with only a four-hour sleep break. I am not a doctor or firefighter or a coal miner or an air-traffic controller by day, mind you. I work in a grey cubicle. In my extreme exhaustion, I felt unappreciated and undervalued and like the littlest thing could shatter me. Which it did.

Our daycare was closed and I was expected to return to work after said 36-hour shift. I needed something in the office, so I packed up my baby and took her in while I collected my computer so I could work from home and watch Grace. Gracie is a very good baby. She smiles at strangers and hangs out on the floor and plays with her toes and gurgles. Everybody falls madly in love with her, even the guys who work in the TMobile store.

Without going into details, my baby and I were unceremoniously dismissed. A liability, they called it.

I went to the parking lot and cried, feeling like a child scolded for an innocent transgression. Grace wailed all the way home.

That night I had tickets to the Joffrey Nutcracker, where my 10-year-old neighbor/BFF was dancing the part of a Snow Angel. My husband was stuck working, so Gracie and I put on our Christmas best and headed to the ballet.

We sat in the nosebleed section, getting the stink eye from the usher, who made sure I knew that if she cried we'd need to exit. Gracie settled in. The overture began, the lights dimmed, and guests began to arrive at Clara's party. The Snow Queen floated amid sparkly drifts to her King.

Ballet is perfect for a 6-month-old, by the way, as it's all action and music, never a still moment, always changing light and something different to see. Grace was silently entranced on my lap for about 20 minutes, then settled into a deep sleep.

I thought about how my dad used to take me to the ballet and to musical theater -- it was our "thing" together -- and I so wanted to share with him these perfect moments of peace and art and beauty strung together, the twinkling lights of the soul. Wherever he is.

Joffrey Ballet Nutcracker 2008 from Sasha Fornari on Vimeo.

Money: How to Save the Most on Cyber Monday

2011-11-28T05:00:00.000-08:00

Savvy shoppper Andrea Woroch

Even though the philosophy at 40licious is to be more spiritual than material during the holidays, and to not add our karma and our crap to the waste cycle, we do realize that sometimes you need to shop. And when you shop, you should get the absolute best deal for your dollar -- we work too hard for our money. Andrea Woroch is a nationally recognized consumer and money-saving expert who brings us today's tips about shopping on Cyber Monday.

Cyber Monday sounds like the title of a futuristic sci-fi movie; an event triggered when robots gain consciousness and attempt to take over the world. Your imagination could run wild if you don't know that last year, Cyber Monday was the biggest online shopping event in history. With the promise of so many bargains, it's still tough to keep visions of iPads and big-screen TVs at bay. As you prepare to load up your virtual cart with discounted gifts and gadgets, consider some of these Cyber Monday shopping strategies.

1. The Wish List The most elementary element of any smart shopping strategy is a list. It keeps you on track and prevents unnecessary impulse buys. As with Black Friday, many merchants announce their online offers well in advance. At sites like CouponSherpa, they have a roundup of deals available from popular merchants to help you compile your list ahead of time. They also have special coupon codes available to enhance your Cyber Monday savings.

2. Pre-Shopping Clever marketers can make a reasonable regular price seem like a steal. They bank on shoppers being swept up in a bargain frenzy, desperately buying to make sure they're one of the lucky few. Before you start loading up your cart, do some comparison shopping. Sites like PriceGrabber.com allow you to easily compare prices across the web and at local stores.

3. Use Protection Online shopping has become so commonplace we rarely consider the risks. With tons of shoppers eager to transmit credit card information over the Web in one day, scammers are salivating. One easy way to protect yourself is to download the latest updates for your anti-virus and spyware software. Also, confirm any page during checkout is secure by looking for the "https" in the address bar before giving the e-retailer your billing information.

4. Read Up on Rules Though this online shopping day is considerably more casual than Black Friday, each Cyber Monday offer has different guidelines about when it starts and how many items are available. Being aware of such details ensures you won't sleep through a deal that begins at 12:01 a.m.

5. Under Review Many of Monday's markdowns are nothing more than attempts to unload junk and make room for something better. When you're shopping for high-priced items like TVs, go to stores and compare features you can't view online, such as picture and sound quality. Try Cnet.com for in-depth, credible reviews of everything from cell phones to slow cookers. When you start to notice a pattern, it's best to pass, even if the deal seems exceptional.

6. Fast Friends Though there's some debate as to whether or not corporations are people, don't feel bad about taking advantage of their cyber friendship offer by liking them on Facebook. In the days leading up to Cyber Monday, stores post additional offers exclusive to followers. Tracking feeds for a few days keeps you from missing anything critical.

7. Find Free Shipping When you're shopping online, steep shipping and handling costs quickly cut into your cyber savings. Luckily, merchants are starting to respond to customer demand for free shipping. Best Buy announced in late October that it would offer free shipping on everything over the holidays, and Overstock.com is the latest retailer to offer site-wide free shipping.

8. Keep Your Eye on the Prize You'll likely be bombarded by a slew of offers for accessories and add-ons as you search for a special sale price on a particular laptop. Typically, the savings on these items are minimal, so buying them later won't make a big difference. Plus, spending an extra $100 on items you otherwise would never have bought quickly counteracts your discounts.

9. Preparation Pays When you're getting ready to run a marathon, it's essential to prepare with a good warm-up. The same goes for shopping on Cyber Monday, and we're not talking about stretching your mouse-clicking finger. Get ready by bookmarking your favorite sites in advance. Keep them open in different tabs so switching from store to store is easy. If a merchant requires you create an account to make a purchase, do it ahead of time.

10. Read Up on ReturnsWith deals flying around furiously throughout Cyber Monday, make sure you don't get stuck with any items that don't meet your expectations by brushing up on online return policies. Some major retailers allow you to return online orders to a local store at no extra cost, while other smaller merchants might charge you for return shipping as well as a restocking fee. Return windows are often limited, so it's important to act soon once you've determined an item won't work.

Spirit: How to Change Your Inner Monologue

2011-11-26T21:23:00.001-08:00

This post comes from author Kim Malchuk, a motivational coach, speaker and award-winning author of "Tasting Rain." Her book is about her personal journey of loss, healing and hope.

Kim Malchuk

A shift will occur at some point during our 40s. It will come into our life quietly with no fanfare or parade; yet, it will leave behind a powerful gift. People will notice a difference in the way we walk, talk and look at life. They will be intrigued and want to know our secret. When we tell them...they won’t believe it! Why? Because it sounds too simple to believe that by simply altering the way we talk to ourselves can bring about tremendous change in our lives.

The conversations that we have with others are important and should not be taken for granted. These interactions are necessary in order for us to function in society; however, the most critical conversations we will ever have are the ones we have with ourselves.

Do you remember growing up and having our parents teach us that if we don’t have anything nice to say to someone then don’t say anything at all? That golden rule would hit me on the side of my head when I was 37 years old and realized that I was the one standing in my own way of having a better life. My pessimistic and negative internal chatter was holding me hostage from life’s many possibilities. The thought of living out the next 50 years in this state came to an end when I decided to sit down and give myself a good talking to. I needed to focus on what was in my control and a good place to begin was by changing my inner vocabulary.

Words are the most powerful tools we have at our disposal. We need to be very careful with how we choose to aim and fire them at others but, more importantly, how our word selection can destroy our own self-confidence and keep us prisoners from reaching our true potential. I think it would be safe to assume that I am not the only one who talks to themselves on a daily basis. We all do it. Actually, I find that the older I get this activity is more frequent than not. It’s okay to have these consultations with ourselves but only if our words are positive and encouraging.

After having this meeting with myself I came up with a new plan. Going forward, instead of being the school-yard bully in my mind and thoughts, I was going to become my own personal cheerleader by choosing to use more active and positive words. The first order of business was to immediately stop using words like "can’t," "won’t" and "shouldn’t." Those "n’t" words are stagnating and damaging. Every time we use them we have already convinced ourselves that we will "not" be able to do something. I wanted to change all of that and focus my thoughts on what I could do. It was amazing how quickly opportunities started to appear when I eliminated using those types of limiting words.

The second challenge for me was to mind my own business. How others chose to live out their lives was no longer any of my concern. When I placed my attention on fixing me (and let me tell you, that was a tall order) it was manageable and achievable. It’s not our responsibility to change others. Change begins and ends with ourselves. All we can do for others is to love and accept them for who they are. Re-training my thoughts and dialogue is an on-going daily exercise. I compare it to an athlete preparing for their sport. Without training and practice they cannot expect to be a superstar when stepping into their arena. It takes time, dedication and patience but the results are priceless. The payoff is freedom.

Style: Rocking Molly Ringwald's Breakfast Club Look

2011-11-15T09:37:00.001-08:00

Relationships: November is National Adoption Month

2011-11-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

Hey 40licious ladies, and those approaching 40licious, and those who love us: I'd like to take this space to remind everyone that families are made in a lot of different ways. Some of us have struggled and suffered through infertility, with good and devastating results. Some of us marry into families and we become instant mommies or stepmonsters. We also choose are families from the people we've met along the way, who aren't necessarily blood-tied to us.

Personally, my family is made from all the above.

November is National Adoption Month. Today and every day I celebrate because this is another way our little family was made. Last June, we got a call on a Friday about a possible situation with some birthparents. We met them, hit it off, and our sweet baby Grace was born four days later. We took her home from the hospital. To her home. I can't imagine having another person as my child. We love her profoundly, as you love your children, no matter how they came to you. So please let's keep talking about adoption, and foster care, and all the other ways families come about. Let's remember that infertility might just be the beginning of the journey to your family, but in no way does it have to be the end.

Money: Men Are Better at Retirement Planning

2011-10-14T06:38:00.001-07:00

We are likely the ones who will take off time to raise children and take care of aging parents. And most of us wouldn't have it any other way. But by being good-hearted, we're not putting away enough for retirement. Couple that with the fact that statistically we will live longer than our men friends, and are likely to require long-term care as we age, girl, it's time to do some planning.

A new study by MetLife shows that men are doing a better job planning for retirement than women. They're paying attention to how much they will need and socking it away. Sadly, women aren't doing as well. Here's the US News story that does a great job outlining the issues around this.

What actions can you take right now? Let's recall advice from our friend Barbara Stanny, author of "Secrets of Six-Figure Women" and other books on women and money:

1. Every day, read something about money, even if it’s just for a minute. It could be perusing headlines in business section, scanning Money magazine instead of People in the grocery store, or reading one paragraph from a financial book before you go to sleep. “It’s amazing how much you can pick up by osmosis,” Stanny says.

2. Every week, have a conversation about money, preferably with someone who knows more than you. If you’re wondering how to start, just ask, “Can I take you to lunch and pick your brain? It’s amazing how much people want to help you,” Stanny says. “We’ve been doing this for generations about raising babies, making pies … we need to start doing this over kitchen tables and back fences.”

3. Every month, save money. You can set up automatic transfers to a savings account for as little as $5. Stanny recalls a conversation with an editor who wasn’t a high earner, but who saved her change in a bowl every night. In two years, she was able to open an investment account.

Spirit: Big Fat Lies Moms Believe OR How to Break Free From Your Inner Critic

2011-10-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

Today's post comes from Amy Ahlers, a certified life coach and author of Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves: Ditch Your Inner Critic and Wake Up Your Inner Superstar.

When I became a mom I also became more self‐critical. It was as if when I gave birth to my daughter, I also gave birth to a new clan of Inner Critics whose mission was to create a swirl of negative thoughts in my head. I like to call these addictive negative thoughts Big Fat Lies.

I’m also a life coach, so I’ve coached hundred of moms and have witnessed firsthand how they become their own worst enemy. After more than a decade of coaching moms from every walk of life (from CEO moms to stay at home moms to mompreneurs) I finally got it: we are all hard on ourselves despite appearances. I am not alone (and neither are you!). We beat ourselves up for both the big things and for the tiniest imperfections. And all this punishment isn’t helping us be better moms or feel more fulfilled or even to get more done. Who can blame us for being so hard on ourselves? We have a lot on their plates: kids, careers, romance, health . . . the list goes on and on. We’re supposed to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, have incredible sex with our partners, get the laundry and housework done, have healthy, accomplished kids, and a tight butt and perky boobs to boot. We feel like we’re supposed to enjoy being pulled in a million directions at the same time. And that we’re supposed to be as flexible as Gumby on muscle relaxers. But we’re only human.

What would happen if we gave ourselves a break?

To get started, see if any of these Top Three Big Fat Lies sound familiar and then go easy on yourself by tapping into the truth:

1. I’m a failure (can also show up as I’m a terrible mother, I suck at motherhood.): This Big Fat Lie is pandemic among nearly every mom I’ve talked to. The truth is that we all have moments of failing as moms (you know like when your kid spills milk and you completely loose it because you’ve had the worst day filled with traffic jams, a failed bake sale fundraiser and your mate just called to say he’s working late…again), but that does NOT make us a failure. Winston Churchill put it brilliantly when he said, “Success is leaping from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” I would add that to be a successful parent, success is leaping from mistake to mistake without loss of compassion. So, why not get your compassion on?!

2. ___________ is a way better mom than me (can also show up as I’m a way better mom than _________.): The comparison game amongst moms can be intense and grueling. We can feel like we never quite measure up and develop a serious inferiority complex or we can turn the tables and find our Inner Critics telling us that we are a far better mom, creating a superiority complex. Either way, the comparison game is a losing one. The truth is that this isn’t a contest…and it’s time to put your focus on being the best mom you can be and leave others out of it.

3. Taking care of myself is selfish (can also show up as self‐care just isn’t a priority.): This lie is one of the biggest traps moms fall into, leading to overwhelm, depression and downright resentment. When we put our own well‐being first, we are more able to be there for others. I know how hard it can be to carve out personal time. . .boy, do I know! But it is vital to do so to be a present and caring mom. By deciding to take responsibility for your self‐care, you are giving yourself the opportunity to be a good parent, friend, partner, sibling, and/or coworker. Why not get started with simply 1 hour/week of ME TIME and ease your way up? The more you recognize your negative self‐talk as Big Fat Lies and tap more into the compassionate truth, the more you’ll increase self‐love, self‐esteem and self‐respect. And what better gift can we give our kids than to model that?

Join Amy Ahlers for the Exposing the Big Fat Lies Summit in which 21 world-class experts disclose their secrets and share like you’ve never heard them before … really!

Spirit: Really Want to Know You

2011-10-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

You'd think that at 40licious you'd get more fixed in your beliefs. I think I am becoming more fluid. There are some basics that I know won't change: I must exercise every day or I will get wonky and fat. I must be my best self and as nice as I possibly can be, in writing and in person, to each being I encounter during my day. I must tell the truth.

But occasionally one must look beyond one's own moral compass for help. I suppose that's why there's the bible, the koran, the watchtower, the tarot, a horoscope, the i ching, the fortune in your cookie. For a decade my mother, a mash up Christian, Catholic, Buddhist, has been feeding me books by the Dalai Lama. And a couple years ago, I started reading "How to Expand Love" when I'd finished the last novel by my bed. It was life-changing as a guide to try and love people who are not particularly kind to you; to see the "diamond" inside everyone. The Dalai Lama's words on compassion made the difference between us moving forward with our adoption or not, proving that when you act with love -- even with someone who is difficult -- everyone will win.

Enter the Modigliani.
My mother had asked me to get an appraisal on a piece she'd been given in the 1960s. As I navigated the fine art world to try and find the best way to get a fair deal for my mom, an artist herself on a fixed income living a meager life, I felt badgered by a relative as he criticized every choice I made: handing it over to one of my closest friends, an art dealer, to find an appraiser. The auction house. The contract. The reserve price. The $90,000 estimate from the appraiser at the auctioneer. After some research, it was determined that the drawing is a very, very, good print and is not worth anything.

And then the relative became invested in a theory that while the piece was being appraised, it was switched for a fake, like some Oceans 11 scheme. He brought up distorted versions of past events. All the while I tried to do what the Dalai Lama asked, to be loving, to be compassionate and understanding. To keep boundaries. Even though I felt attacked and that every button that could be pushed got punched.

I want to address the wild misconceptions. I want to punch back with the truth. But this will not help. I don't know what the Dalai Lama would have me do. How do I be loving but protect myself? How can we move forward without looking back? Today I listed to "My Sweet Lord" in a new way. When George Harrison sings "I really want to know you," I'm taking it to mean, "I really want to understand what the spiritually correct course is to take at this particular moment." And when he sings, "it takes so long," it means, "it takes so long."

Money: A Fork in the Road Is Better than a Fork in the Eye

2011-09-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

I've been blessed to have really smart, wild-minded and powerful women around me my whole life. I have many mothers and friends and sisters. When I lived in Seattle I was in a group of entrepreneurial women who met monthly. And Kathlyn and I would meet each week and go down a list of stuff we'd need to accomplish in the personal, professional and creative realms, and then report back to each other on status over a cup of tea and giant muffin at Irwin's Bakery.

Over six years, Kathlyn and I moved to Los Angeles, got jobs, got boyfriends, got shacked up, and got married. Our little formal accountability system faded away. Recently we started up again with a small group that includes an artist/gallerist, a writer/educational consultant, a chef/journalist, a public affairs consultant/strategist, an executive director for a nonprofit/art historian.

I wish with all my heart I could be one of those "stay at home bitches"* who spends the day doing art projects with the kid and hitting the zoo and figuring out how to cobble together dinner. When I was on maternity leave, I had a lot of guilt and fear and distress at the prospect of returning to work, as people would come over with their offerings of homemade blankets and adorable baby clothes and baked goods and tell me how stressy everything was at work. The anxiety was worse than the re-entry, though. I slid right back into it.

Last night the group of entrepreneurial women met at my house. It was my turn to take 10 minutes to talk about my situation and I explained that where I work now is undergoing a reorganization. There has been a lot of anxiety over a year about how it will play out, and in a way, I'd be disappointed if there were no change to my job at all. Meanwhile, I have had three very decent companies (and even a recruiter calling about my OLD job!) come calling to see if I am interested in talking to them. I am certainly interested in hearing what they have to say. But nobody is making any sudden moves.

It took sitting in this group, with my baby falling asleep into sweet breathy little dreams on my chest, to help me realize I am standing at a proverbial fork. There is no strong wind or blinding neon sign to guide the way. There are no omens. Only pros and cons and known vs. unknown.

So I will wait patiently at the fork until the breeze picks up and pushes me. That way I have time and space to watch my baby sleep.

* I know a lot of these women and they are not actually, personally, bitches. I know they have made a lot of sacrifices to stay home and it's hard work. It's the jealousy talking.

Health: How Bio-Identical Hormone Replacement Therapy Works

2011-09-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

Today's post is from Dr. Michael L. Gross, MD, medical director of the Active Center for Health & Wellness and orthopedic director of Sports Medicine at Hackensack University Medical Center. Because of his interest in preventative medicine, he is currently enrolled in a fellowship in anti-aging and restorative medicine and is working toward board certification form the American Academy of Anti-Aging Medicine.

Dr. Michael L. Gross

As people age, their hormone levels decrease and cause an imbalance in the body. This imbalance causes changes in the body that we attribute to aging such as weight gain, hair loss and fatigue. This decrease in hormone levels also plays a large role in perimenopause, menopause and postmenopause, which effects, on average, women between the ages of 45 and 55. During menopause, a woman’s body produces less estrogen and progesterone, thus throwing the body’s hormones out of balance and producing symptoms such as hot flashes, night sweats, loss of libido, mood swings, fatigue, hair loss, sleep disorders, anxiousness and memory problems.

Over the last 50 years, there has been an impressive amount of evidence that has revealed the vital connection between declining hormone levels and the occurrence of diseases associated with aging such as heart disease, the leading cause of death in women ages 65 and older, and osteoporosis, which affects more women than men.

More attention is being paid now to treatments that are integrating mental wellness and healthier lifestyle choices. One such treatment is Bio-Identical Hormone Replacement Therapy (BHRT), a therapy that replenishes the hormones the body has lost, restoring balance and well being, while enhancing the body’s energy and vitality. Bio-Identical Hormones, molecule-by-molecule, are exactly the same as the hormones normally present in the human body and the therapy is all natural.

BHRT can help to improve the symptoms associated with perimenopause, menopause and postmenopause, in addition to Premenstrual Symptom (PMS) and Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Benefits of BHRT include improved hair, skin and nails, enhanced mental functioning, improved sexual energy and desire, improvement in mood, increased bone mineral density, better response from the body to diet and exercise, as well as decreased incidence of breast cancer, heart disease and strokes. Women who experience hormonal imbalance, whether from PMS, menopause or the overall aging process, can all benefit from BHRT, both with improvement in symptoms and preventing age-related diseases from progressing.

Women interested in finding out more about BHRT or starting therapy should contact a medical doctor specializing in anti-aging medicine to set up a private consultation. During this time, the doctor will take the patients health history and perform a series of blood, urine and saliva tests to determine their hormonal and nutrient levels. After the patient’s analysis is complete, a customized program is created and a specific arrangement of hormone medication is ordered for the patient. Every three months, the patient should be re-tested to access their progress and monitor their medication levels, which can be altered for optimum results.

Spirit: Lessons of 9/11

2011-09-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

These ones came back.

I don't know how I will talk to my daughter about 9/11. She is only three months old. I don't know when I will tell her what the story through my lens on that day 10 years ago: The booming growl of the first plane waking me up from a sound sleep on Linda's couch. The thought "Those damn Blue Angels. Why so early?"

Linda's friend called and we woke her up and looked out the window to see the very nearby Twin Towers. One was smoking. Through sobs and screams and stunned disbelief, Linda and I watched it all unfold that day. The smoke. The second plane. The papers and people falling through the sky. And finally, the crumbling. The terrible, crushing crumbling of two monuments and all that it would symbolize.

We went outside to join the ash-covered refugees. Ash everywhere. Posters of the missing already on the walls. We thought it was a good idea to give blood and by some fluke of my subconscious mind I remembered my gynecologist's phone number and found out my blood type, and hopped on the O+ bus that would take us uptown -- albeit a detour all the way through Central Park by a very flustered driver -- to the Red Cross. As if there were no people uptown to give blood. Waited on line for a couple hours and then saw a payphone -- remember those? -- and made calls to my mother, my coworkers, the Seattle Times. And then I got back and the line to give blood had disappeared because there were fewer people alive that they'd anticipated to use the blood. So the guy let me give anyway, and then they closed up shop.

I wandered downtown. My dad happened to be staying in NY because he'd won a trip for signing up for the Fashion Channel. Nobody had been able to reach my brother Ian all day. I knew Dad was staying at a hotel somewhere in the West 40s. I wandered down a sidestreet and there was Ian, coming from the other direction. We met in front and went upstairs to see Dad.

But it was hard to commune with them. They were not there. They did not see what Linda and I and so many thousands of other New Yorkers had. It was even harder going back to Seattle, where people were even further removed from it. Yes, people were upset and thought it was sad. But they had so easily moved on. They did not run out of the movie theater in a panic when faced with scenes of people running downstairs, or fire. They didn't stop breathing at the sound of a low-flying plane.

About a week after I got back from New York I had a dream. Or maybe it wasn't a dream. Seven or eight glowing figures were around my bed. They were the spirits of people in the Towers. I told them how upset I was and they said they are OK, and to not worry. And then they drifted off, and I was calmer.

This morning I engaged in a discussion on Facebook, saying that I don't see the people who lost their lives in 9/11 as "sacrifices" for a patriotic duty. They were killed by madmen, murdered by ideology. I guarantee that nobody who went to work in the Towers that day, or got on one of the ill-fated planes, would have willingly done so "for their country" if they knew what was to happen. I will count responders also as mass-murder victims. I am sure you have your own way of looking at it too.

For me, patriotism is an overrated virtue. We don't know most of what's going on with our government. Our government has done and continues to act in shameful ways. I work in an corporation in an office in a gray cubicle and a third of my paycheck goes to taxes, which fund war and torture and killing of innocents. I do not think an Iraqi life is worth less than an American one. I do not think we have asked ourselves the basic questions of what we've done to contribute to this climate. You can't keep blaming it all on the other guy.

Ten years later and I am still cranky and so so so so so sad about what happened. I am forever haunted by the stories of people who left work in a spat with their spouse and never came home. The people who made a last-minute decision that changed their fate, for better or worse. The small action, missing a subway or being the last to cram in an elevator.

And that is why, after 9/11, I made a point of saying "I love you" to people on the phone and at emails, even if it's someone I'm going to see tomorrow or later on. Because I might not.

9/11 will be something far far away for Gracie when she's old enough to understand. So I will start with "I love you" every day, and take it from there.

Linda and I spent a lot of time searching for meaning in the hours and days that followed. We found it, but not in the way you'd expect.

Style: How to Fix a Hole in a Cashmere Sweater

2011-09-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

While our boots straighten themselves up in the closet, anxiously awaiting to traipse and frolic in the chill of fall, our cashmere tends to come out beaten and defeated from wily critters that take a bite from the most inconvenient places. It makes me sad.

Here's a cashmere sweater I got for $1 at the thrift store. I figured I could darn the hole, but as I looked closer I got a better inspiration: Patch it. In a cool way.

So I ransacked my fabric bag and found the remains of a T-shirt I'd recycled as a dress for a friend's baby. Then I found an image of a bird silhoutte I liked online, and to make it the right size, just copied it to a Word document and expanded it. Then I cut it out and traced around it on the T-shirt fabric, and sewed it on with black thread.

Sad for me but happily for someone else, it turns out this sweater is a little TOO complimentary to my bustline, so I will end up passing it along.

Send in your stories and pictures of [clothing] salvation and we'll feature them on 40licious!


I liked the bird so much he lives on my window now.

Work: How to Balance Career and Family (Hint: Maybe You Can't)

2011-09-01T23:26:00.000-07:00

We were raised around a bunch of women who were tired of being directed to secretarial school when they expressed career aspirations. They were tired of having their fannies slapped. They were tired of of biology getting in the way.

So they worked really hard AND raised families. They demanded to wear pants and went on The Pill. They indoctrinated their spawn with "Free to Be You and Me," an all-star tribute to equality and genderless capability.

And so I thought I could have it all, and that everything would just glide into place when it was time. My career path has wended its way through streams and around mountains and on rutty side roads; It didn't get on the Interstate until I moved to California six years ago and took a corporate gig.

And then, lo, the husband came at the relatively late age of 42, and exactly nine months later, our precious angel baby showed up. And after nine weeks of sticking to each other like cling monkeys, it became time for Baby Grace to go to daycare with lovely grandparent types in their comfortable home, and for me to return to work.

I am jealous of the women who can stay home. On maternity leave I did the math over and over again to see if I could get someone to come in and clean a few times a week so I could just nap and mush up with the baby all day and take her to Anthropologie. I wanted to have quality time during our limited days, not endless shit-tons of laundry. Some days the height of my productivity was unloading the dishwasher. I certainly didn't get my book proposal done. (In my pre-baby delusion, I'd chirpily announced to my therapist that during maternity leave I'd have time to write it WHILE SHE WAS NAPPING. Which is about 40 minutes a stretch. Fool.)

Now when I'm at work I'm a little raggedy from a 4 a.m. wakeup. This morning some last-minute spit-up forced alternate outfits for both me and Gracie, and tacked on another 20 minutes. I work like a steam engine, chugging through, skipping lunch and small talk, so I can get out and hold my baby as soon as possible. As regular as a Japanese train, I start getting anxious to see her on the 10 freeway just before getting on the 5.

I was just invited by the EPA's ENERGY STAR division to make a presentation at their annual conference in North Carolina in November. Normally I would have jumped at the chance to do this, and figured out logistics after. It's huge props for me and for my company. Then I talked myself into going for just a day and turning around on the red eye and coming home. Then I looked closely at the invitation and saw that they'd want me to present three times, on three consecutive days. My heart sank. I can't imagine going that long without inhaling the sweet baby smell, bouncing her on my knee as I eat dinner, snuggling in bed with her and slipping off into a dream together after the 4 a.m. feeding. I still don't know if I'll go. It's a broken heart either way.

My friends Shannon Kelley and Barbara Kelley over at Undecided have become the experts on the impossibility of having it all. At this point, I'm not sure I want it all. I just want enough.

Relatonships: Sex Is Different for Women in Their 40s

2011-08-17T21:05:00.000-07:00

Pat Love

This is the second post featuring Pat Love, an aptly-named expert on relationships and author of many books including “Hot Monogamy” with Jo, and “The Truth About Love.” In a recent interview, we talked about how sex changes for many women in their 40s.

PAT LOVE: Two-thirds of women don't feel like having sex until orgasm is imminent. Right before orgasm, you think, "Oh this is so much fun, I'm going to do it again, why did I wait so long?" you know, you do that little mantra to yourself. And once you have an orgasm, you have lots of memories.

In fact, I was asked at the Lake Austin Spa, which is a wonderful world-class spa where I was speaking, and I was talking on the subject of sex over 40, and I got to thinking about it, and I thought, sex before 40, is not as relevant, as distinct as sex after 40. Because being with the same person has a lot more parameters and consequences than sex after 40, because whether you're 40 or 50 or 70 or 20, you've been dealt this hand of hormones, and I was so it's not like, "I was so sexy in my 20's or 30's and it's going to go downhill." It's not like that at all. You've been dealt a hand of hormones. And whether you're more estrogen-dominant or testosterone dominant, it’s going to determine your walking-around physical urge to engage in sex. I talked to six women. One high-testosterone woman was saying, "When my husband and I get really bitchy at each other, I realize, hey, we need to go to bed." And the other says, "Well how can have sex with him when you're mad at him?" and she says, "Well, honey, that's what makes it better!" That's a high testosterone woman; you can just see it too. They look different.

But you know most women they try to understand their sexuality in their 40's, you have new relationships ... because there are two types of people in the world. There are the autogenic and the psychogenic pathways to arousal. The autogenic is that person that walks around with a sex-ready body. It's the more testosterone dominant hormone hand. These are the nice guys, the sensitive guys, the very emotional guys, the guys who like to talk about feelings, I'm not talking about gay, I'm talking heterosexual: they're more estrogen dominant, and they have the psychogenic arousal pattern. They do need the contact. They want to talk, they want to be close, they have to have affection, and they have to have their stress lowered.

In your 40's, you start to get more curious, a lot of tasks are already done, you have time for yourself, and you're still young, and you might feel frisky and you want that romance, or you want sexual passion, and you start to be investigative. And you're still menstruating, so maybe you have these little bumps in elevation around sex drive and you want that to be there all the time, and you're wondering where the female Viagra is.

And so I think there’s a lot of sexual curiosity, and a lot of sexual unrest and sexual dissatisfaction in your 40's. One because you have time to think about it, and two you've been with someone you've probably had 10 years of complaints by now, and that is a complaint by women in their 40's. And most women when they get to gather, they talk about, "Ain't it awful, why does he want sex?" if you're in a heterosexual relationship, "Why does he want sex more than I do and it's all he thinks about?" But then you have that girlfriend or two who says "Well, I'm the one who wants sex more, and I get my feelings hurt and I don't feel attractive, because my partner doesn't desire sex like I do." Opposites attract, not just with sex drive, it's personality characteristics. They go with the sex drive, with the hormones.

VANESSA: A tantra class probably has a lot more 40-year-old people in it than 20-year-old people.

PAT: Yes it does. I think part of it is that you're more confident and you're proactive, and you still feel young in your body, and you're not ashamed of your body, gravity hasn't taken over, and, age spots, and all those ugly things that you just get later. I think it's a fantastic decade for women, and I think we could argue it's one of the best decades, because 40 is still young. ... What I would hope that women in their late 30's would start buying this, so they can really see what the roadmap would be.

Relationships: Write out Mr. Wrong & Create Your Own Happy Ending

2011-08-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

Amy Beth O’Brien’s friends think she watches a few too many movies, but she just may be on to something. O’Brien, author of "Stuck with Mr. Wrong? Ten Steps to Starring in your own Life Story," suggests that women look at their relationships through a different lens.

“Are you playing the role of the victim, or are you the inspirational character?” asks O’Brien. “If your life were playing out on the big screen, would you want to stand up and cheer, or leave the theater in frustration?”

“Everyone loves the movies,” said O’Brien. “We get to lose ourselves in a story and live vicariously through the main character. I encourage women to be the main character in their own life story by stepping into their starring role as leading lady and stop playing extra or best supporting actress to someone else.”

Her steps include:

Embrace Your Inner Screenwriter – Do you view change as though you were living in a horror movie? Every woman has some version of the story they want to live. You can write your script based on fears of what would happen if you made any changes or out of faith that taking control of your life, and being your most authentic self, is the best story you could ever write.
Listen to Your Director – Like Dorothy, do you feel like you are stuck in Oz, wondering how to get back home? When the story seems to take a wrong turn, your director, like the Good Witch of the North, guides you to make the best choices that put you back on track. Listening to your director means understanding that your intuition is your best friend and guide.
Pick your Princess but Pick her Well – Wish life were like a fairy tale? You may know that Cinderella was just a story, but who hasn’t at one time or another wished for a fairy godmother? A true princess rescues herself.

“Your dreams, values, passions, and creativity are meant to be expressed,” O’Brien added. “Relationships may challenge us, but they should never turn us into people we are not, suppress our talents, or squelch our dreams and desires. I encourage women to stop acting — to stop conforming to another person’s tastes, keeping silent when they have something to say, compromising their spirit, or staying in a bad situation out of fear. Move forward with faith toward the life of your dreams.”

Stuck with Mr. Wrong contains 100 tips for becoming a star in your own life and a free journal.

Spirit: Donate Your Bra to Support Domestic Violence Victims

2011-08-03T21:46:00.000-07:00

Soma Intimates, a national chain of lingerie stores, is holding a charity initiative to collect new and gently used bras for women in need. "Giving Is Beautiful" takes donations of bras at Soma Intimates boutiques, or via a mail-in option is provided with details at www.soma.com/givebras through Aug. 14.

According to Soma executives, bras are one of the least donated but most needed items by women who are homeless or victims of domestic violence. " It’s such a small and easy thing to donate, but it truly makes a big difference to women who are experiencing financial or emotional hardship," a company release read.

The donated bras will go to local women’s shelters and other charitable organizations. Soma also uses this initiative to help women who have lost personal items in the wake of destruction from natural disasters. Any non-wearable donations are sent to The Bra Recyclers, a textile recycling organization that ensures no bra ends up in a landfill.

First launched in July 2010, this marks the third bra donation initiative for Soma Intimates. To-date the retailer has collected more than 68,000 bras to help women in need across the country. The goal is to collect 150,000 bras by next year.

You can also enter the “Bra Guessing Contest” to guess how many bras will be collected this season to win a $500 gift card!

Learn more.

Relationships: How to Meet and Marry the Man of Your Dreams - When You're All Grown Up

2011-08-02T09:30:00.000-07:00

Today's post comes from Ann Blumenthal Jacobs, Patricia Ryan Lampl, and Tish Rabe, authors of "Love for Grown Ups: The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve Already Got a Life."

It’s a wonderful feeling to discover in your 40’s that falling in love can be just as exciting, passionate, fun and sexy as falling in love in your 20’s.

In our new book, "Love for Grown-ups: The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve Already Got a Life," we give our readers lots of practical field-tested advice on how to meet Mr. Right, marry and find life-long happiness.

We call ourselves the Garter Brides. Why? Because two of the authors of our book wore the same garter at their weddings and went on to share it with mature brides across the country and all of the Garter Brides got married after their 35th birthdays had come ... and gone.

So, how do you meet the man of your dreams when you are 40+?

The Garter Brides urge you to be open to meeting someone new. If you have had disappointments in love in the past, leave them in the past. Look at every date as a new possibility.

Look at finding a mate the way you would look at finding a job. Let all your friends, especially your married friends, know you are actively looking to meet someone.

Remember the perfect partner may not look perfect on paper. Just because he doesn’t match every characteristic on the “list” your hold in your head and your heart doesn’t mean he’s wrong for you. The Garter Brides will tell you that the “morning people” marry the “night people”, the “neat people” marry the “messy people”, the “shy people” marry the “party animals” and somehow it all works out!

Consider blind dates “first dates”. Blind dates have gotten a bad rap over the years, but two of the authors of our book, and many of the other Garter Brides, met their husbands on blind dates so do something fun and give him a chance. Don’t think about marriage, just relax and have a good time and remember nobody’s perfect- even the fabulous you!

Know that happiness is contagious. The powerful, positive energy of happiness radiates to others and is highly attractive so be sure and do things that make you happy. One of the Garter Brides decided to take flying lessons and married her flight instructor!

Be sure and keep the first date just about the two of you. There is no reason to bring up stories about your aging parents, your teenager’s moodiness or to bash your ex. Just have fun and get to know each other. As the Garter Brides always say: “One date can change your life.”

Share your stories with us at Facebook.com/thegarterbrides.

We look forward to learning more about you. And remember: it’s never too late to find true love.

Beauty: Britain Bans L'Oreal Age-Erasing Ads

2011-07-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

When Julia Roberts was the Pretty Woman, we were also wearing midriff-baring shirts and skirts that could better be described as big belts. When Christy Turlington was in Duran Duran's 1987 video, we were pretending to be Girls on Film in nightclubs. We all grew up together.

Recently Britain's Advertising Standards Authority banned L'Oreal's ads featuring Roberts and Turlington, saying that the photos of the 40licious women had been too doctored to fall within truth-in-advertising standards. Which reminds me of when Jamie Lee Curtis had a groundbreaking revelation in 2002 about what she really looks like without the Photoshop for a spread in More magazine.

Which makes me wonder if anyone at all really believes an over-the-counter cosmetic product could erase their life lines the megastars wear so beautifully on their faces? Come on, L'Oreal. We weren't born yesterday. Far from it.