DAILY CUSTODY TIP

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Don’t allow tattoos, piercings or blue hair on your children without the other parent’s consent.

2010-07-16T14:42:00.001-04:00

Has this happened in your family? Your child leaves your home on a Friday for an ordinary visit with your ex-spouse and comes back on Sunday looking like a monster. Without your knowledge or consent, your child suddenly has an enormous tattoo on her chest, or your seven-year-old son has a nose ring. Or worse yet, your child has a haircut from hell, featuring streaks of blue and lavender. Holy $&#%!!

The best policy is not to make any significant changes to your child’s appearance without discussing it first with the other parent. Because tattoos and peircings are not universally accepted by the population, they should be discussed between the parents and with the child before any action is taken. We frequently see custody disputes in which one parent complains that her ex-husband secretly took their son to get an earring or a tattoo, without discussing it first. In these cases, one parent frequently argues that such adornments are unsafe, unhealthy, anti-social, or perhaps suggestive of a dirty, wild, rock-and-roll spirit. The other parent responds by saying that tattoos and piercings are commonplace these days, they’re widely accepted and perfectly safe, and the other parent is just conservative or out of touch with modern times.

The fact that parents have these fights is why it’s important to talk it over first. An unannounced tattoo or piercing not only raises questions about what’s right for the child but it reflects that lack of communication between the parents. Ultimately, somebody will have to answer for why he or she did not consult the other parent first.

The same goes for wild haircuts, or cutting off a young girls’ long, flowing locks of hair after years of careful grooming and management. Material alterations to a child’s appearance should be discussed first.

Discussing these matters before taking action will improve your chances of demonstrating your co-parenting abilities in a custody case. They will also give each parent a fair opportunity to air his or her thoughts about these matters.

Tell me your experiences with this.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Eat up! Feed your kids well right before they go to visit your ex.

2010-07-15T10:26:00.002-04:00

It’s not uncommon for one parent to feed the children better than the other. When custody is divided between two households, the kids tend to eat better, and more nutritionally, at one home than the other. In the best of all worlds, both parents would be healthy eaters who would pass on wholesome, low-fat, nutritional habits to their children – but we don’t live in the best of all worlds.

For better or worse, there will be a clear disparity in the quality of the children’s diet in most cases. Therefore, it is not a bad idea to feed your children a good meal right before they go to visit your ex (the other parent). This may seem like contrary logic to some parents: Some folks think it’s smarter to send the kids to the other parent hungry and force the other parent to bear the cost or the effort of preparing the meal. Petty spitefulness aside, this approach means that you’re passing up an opportunity to improve your status with your own kids.

The better approach – both for the benefit of your kids and for your strategic advantage – is to sit the children down for a great meal directly before they leave for the other parent’s household. Not only will you lock in your position as the primary caregiver for the kids, but you’ll also prompt them, quite quickly, to associate wholesome eating with your house. Indeed, they may associate all eating with your house, and may prefer to be at your home during every mealtime.

Developing good eating habits and reliable timetables is part of good parenting. Taking the initiative in this area will have both short-term and long-term benefits for your children, and will provide you with important ammunition in a child custody or visitation case in the Family Court.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Share children’s grades and unify system of rewards and punishments.

2010-07-14T13:31:00.005-04:00

Do you know your child’s grades in reading, mathematics and other subjects? Does your ex-spouse know? If you’re not aware of your child’s current level of scholastic achievement, or if you’re not sharing information with another parent, you may be harming your chances for custody and/or visitation rights.

Ask the mother in McCoy vs. McCoy, a 2004 child custody case in Michigan. In that case, the father, who had custody, would not let the mother see the child’s report card, and the mother had to go to the school to get a copy of it. She soon learned that the child had 22 absences and had failing grades. She quickly moved for a change in custody.

Or ask the father in Gault vs. Gault, a 2006 case out of Alaska. In Gault, the judge transferred custody of the boy (now 8 years old) to his father after the boy’s grades slipped dramatically. The father convinced the court that he could oversee the child’s educational needs better than the mother.

To avoid these kinds of custody motions, it is best for parents to share report cards and to provide timely information to each other about the child’s grades and academic progress. Students who do well in school should be rewarded – in both parents’ households – while students who do poorly should be jointly disciplined or counseled to make improvements. If only one parent reacts to the child’s grades, that parent may be seen by the court as having the greater level of concern about the child’s educational best interests.

By developing a uniform system of rewards and punishments, even divorced and separated parents can stress the importance of academic achievement. In fact, a parent who cooperates by sharing information with the other parent, and coordinating how the two of them will respond to the child’s performance level is likely to be favored as showing leadership in the area of academic achievement.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Whisper, Whisper, Not a Good Idea. Avoid discussing the other parent in the presence of the child.

2010-07-13T10:38:00.011-04:00

Can you believe that Mr. Creepo wants full custody now? You won’t believe what that &$!#!!
told the judge about me? Guess what that loser-ex-wife of mine is offering me in visitation time?

When the heat of a child custody battle rises to the surface, parents tend to talk openly about each other. In fact, it’s not uncommon to gripe about the proceedings to one’s friends and family members, and to verbally defame the other parent in the privacy of one’s home.

Yet, having these "private" conversations where children can hear them is bad news all around. For one thing, if a child believes what she hears and adopts the parent’s defamatory tone, the other parent will catch on quickly that he (she) is being maligned in front of the child. It may prompt the aggrieved parent to file a motion or, worse yet, to argue that the slanderous parent is engaging in parental alienation tactics. The child may repeat what she hears to a psychologist, to a custody evaluator or to a judge, leaving these persons with great concerns about the nasty parent’s household demeanor.

Sometimes, too, defaming a parent in the presence of a child can backfire, prompting the child to take the victim-parent’s side. It teaches children that it’s okay to speak poorly of their parents, and can have multiple damaging ripple effects.

If you feel you must lash out against your opponent in a child custody case, schedule a private get-together with adult family members or friends – outside the earshot of children. Letting off steam in the presence of the kids is likely only to complicate your case, not to improve your position.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Back to school before back to court: Take a class with your child and gain an advantage in your custody case.

2010-07-12T12:52:00.002-04:00

An excellent way to improve your stake in a child custody case is to take a class with your child. Sign up for a cooking class with your teen. Or sign up for karate together. Enroll in a summer basketball camp – both of you – and complete the program together. Join an art club or take a painting class together.

Not only will taking a class together draw you and your child closer together, tightening the parent-child bond, but it could be lots of fun and could provide a great recreational activity for a sometimes stressful relationship. Perhaps most importantly, taking a class together will provide demonstrable evidence of your commitment to your children, creating strong evidence in your favor in a family court.

There may also be enduring benefits even after the class ends. Consider, for example, cooking up a feast with your child for Thanksgiving, while showing off some of things you learned together in the cooking class. Or, practicing karate together as a form of exercise at the commencement of each of your weekend visitations with the child, drawing on the techniques learned in your karate class. By extending the classroom experience, you can enhance the parenting experience while bolstering your position in a contested custody case.

Has anybody ever taken a class with their son or daughter?

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Do not withdraw restraining orders when custody is at issue. (Domestic Violence and Child Custody – Part 2).

2010-07-11T11:25:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I blogged about the importance of securing a domestic violence protection order or restraining order if you’re a legitimate victim of domestic violence. Not just because you may need one to ensure your safety, and not just because judges often issue temporary custody orders as well. I recommended that you secure the domestic violence orders as a tactical maneuver in the event that have – or expect to have – a child custody dispute on the horizon.

I also cautioned against using the domestic violence system improperly: Court orders are intended for real victims of domestic violence who can use the orders as a shield against further harm, not for imagined “victims” who see a domestic violence order as a sword to be wielded to gain an advantage in divorce court.

If you obtain a protection order or a restraining order, do not forget about it. Don’t bury it. Don’t re-write it on your own. Don’t voluntarily disobey it (or permit the assailant to do so), and most importantly, don’t agree to dismiss it. Too often, when parties reach an agreement on child custody or visitation time, they include a provision withdrawing or dismissing the domestic violence protection order. In fact, such a provision may seem necessary in order to carry out the visitations. After all, how can the parents exchange the children between their homes if they’re restrained from communicating with each other or entering upon each other’s property?

The better practice is to return to the domestic violence court and to narrowly modify the protection order or restraining order to permit the kind of custody and visitation arrangement you wish to have. Modify those portions of the order that must be changed to make the custody arrangement meaningful, but retain the remaining language in the order. For example, a modified restraining order could state that the non-custodial parent is permitted to communicate with the custodial parent, but only via email or texting, and only for the purposes of transmitting informational updates concerning the children. A formal modification of the court order, best accomplished with the advice of legal counsel, will promise the greatest amount of protection while enabling the custody and visitation plan to be put into force.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: When violence strikes, don’t give love a second chance. A restraining order will help your custody case.

2010-07-10T17:02:00.007-04:00

Long before couples get divorced or find themselves in child custody cases, they may have fights that turn violent. Domestic violence is, of course, a serious matter, and the family courts around the country are prepared to issue restraining orders and temporary custody orders to deal with violent persons and their victims. But just as often, couples brush their nasty fights under the rug, ignoring their legal rights and remedies.

Many times, a victim of domestic violence passes up the opportunity to get a restraining order or a temporary custody order – in the name of love, or in order to avoid disrupting the lives of the children by kicking one of their parents out of the house.

A domestic violence restraining order can have serious consequences for everybody involved. The law of domestic violence should not be trivialized; complaints should not be filed because somebody raised his voice, used profane words or lost his temper on a rare occasion. Judges are on guard for “victims” who use the domestic violence law as a sword (rather than as a shield), as they try to gain unfair advantage in a child custody case.

On the other hand, a legitimate victim of domestic violence should not give love a second chance. By filing a timely complaint for domestic violence (even if no divorce or child custody case is presently pending), a victim can obtain a protection order, a restraining order or a temporary custody order. This will not only ensure the victim’s safety but it will give the victim a decided advantage in a future custody case.

Spend a day in domestic violence court, and you will see lots of victims telling the judge how they were victimized in the past but never bothered to report it to police or to the court. Not only have these victims missed the opportunity to gain protection earlier and to secure an advantage in a subsequent child custody dispute, but they may be viewed by the domestic violence judge as less credible.

The best policy: When domestic violence strikes, file a report with police, file a complaint with the court, and obtain the protection order or restraining order. Even if you drop the case or withdraw the court orders later, the legal record you’ve created will assist you in a future custody case.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Do you want your kids or don’t you? Speak up early and file your proposal promptly with the court.

2010-07-09T10:46:00.004-04:00

Many states have a procedure and a deadline for stating your position with respect to custody and visitation rights. For example, under New Jersey law, a parent who wants custody or other rights to the children must file a written “Custody and Visitation Plan” within 75 days after the last pleading is filed with the court. Such a plan could state that you’re asking for full custody, joint custody, legal custody, split custody, or any other kind of arrangement recognized by your state.

Unfortunately, many parents skip this step, or they think about it at the last minute, weeks or days before a trial is scheduled to begin. Many judges do not enforce this requirement. All of this is bad planning.

The better approach is to determine early in your case what kind of custody or parenting time and visitation rights you’re seeking. Understand your options; consult with competent counsel. If, for example, you want joint legal custody and joint physical custody of the children, then declare this position in your complaint, petition, motion papers and/or custody and visitation plan. Make this declaration early in the case, and stand by it as the case proceeds.

A party who fails to declare his/her intentions, who remains unclear, or who vacillates in reaction to child support orders or other pre-trial rulings is likely to be considered disingenuous and perhaps ill-suited for custodial rights.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Befriending your babysitter may benefit your case.

2010-07-08T10:15:00.006-04:00

Chances are, your children’s babysitter knows a few things you don’t know about the children. She may know that your daughter has a crush on a boy at school; she may know that your son got into a fight with a neighborhood bully; she may know why the kids dislike court-ordered visitations with your ex-spouse.

Has anybody learned something important from the babysitter? Do tell.

Because the babysitter is often privy to inside information that children may be reluctant to share with a parent, it is always a good idea to get to know your babysitter well. In fact, befriending the babysitter can have many benefits in the event of a contested child custody case or a dispute over parenting or visitation time. A good babysitter can serve as your "undercover" eyes and ears, making observations about the children and picking up on cues about their happiness at home and at your ex-spouse’s home. A babysitter may detect inappropriate behavioral patterns or may discover an undisclosed bruise on one of the children’s arms or legs. Rumors at school or at camp could leak out while the babysitter is over the house. For example, imagine learning from your babysitter that your daughter saw a "For Sale" sign on your ex’s home – something your daughter didn’t think was important to mention to you, but mentioned it to the babysitter while playing a board game that jarred her memory.

Babysitters can also serve as key witnesses at child custody trials. They can testify about your parenting skills, your home and work schedules, your household rules and discipline, the children’s state of mind and state of health, and other important factors. Babysitters may also have valuable information about your ex-spouse, which – if you can get around the hearsay rule – may provide further evidence on your behalf.

Let me know any experiences you might have had with babysitters.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Avoid surprise drivers by making early introductions.

2010-07-07T10:40:00.005-04:00

Once two parents split up and start shuffling the children between two homes, there is always the risk that the parent responsible to pick up or return the children will have a scheduling conflict. Occasionally, it becomes necessary to have another person carry out the transportation responsibilities. But this is often the source of many curbside confrontations and petty courtroom fights.

For example, a custodial parent may be frightened or threatened to find her ex-husband’s mother picking up the children at the start of his visitation period. Or, she may react harshly to finding the ex-husband’s new girlfriend or new wife behind the wheel. Likewise, the non-custodial parent may feel uneasy returning his children to his ex-wife’s new boyfriend – a new guy in a strange car who has an unclear level of familiarity with the children.

Does the substitute driver have a valid driver’s license? Is his or her car properly registered and insured? Is there a car seat for infants? Working seat belts and airbags? Is he or she a safe person?

The best policy is to introduce all potential substitute drivers as early as possible. Address the possibility that scheduling conflicts may occur, and that the in-laws, or new “significant others” may do the driving from time to time. Provide assurances that the substitute drivers are licensed, are driving safe vehicles, and otherwise pose no risks to the children. If appropriate, identify the substitute drivers in your mediation settlements, divorce agreements, and court orders.

Addressing the issue of substitute drivers as early as possible will prevent the risks of an unnecessary domestic violence complaint or a time-consuming or costly motion before a family court judge.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Give timely notice of summer vacation schedule with the kids.

2010-07-06T10:46:00.002-04:00

If you’re taking the children on a summer vacation, give the other parent early notice of your vacation plans. Provide the dates of travel, the itinerary and accurate contact information at least two months in advance. Whether you’re the custodial parent or the non-custodial parent, sharing this information on a prompt and timely basis – as early as possible – will help you in your custody or visitation case.

Too often, custodial parents take the children on getaways to the seashore or the mountains without informing the non-custodial parent, or by providing him with only spare or misleading information. On the other hand, non-custodial parents often fail to get their vacation plans together until the summer has already begun, often competing with the custodial parent for specific dates or weeks in July or August. For busy kids – those who attend summer camp and participate in baseball or soccer teams – the competition for free vacation weeks can be tense.

Judges generally do not like to receive summertime motions from a non-custodial parent complaining that the custodial parent has been secretive or evasive about her vacation plans with the children, or that she has been monopolizing the process. Likewise, judges tend to disapprove of motions from custodial parents charging that the non-custodial parent sat on his laurels and took no action to arrange a summer vacation with the children until after the summer already began. Such disorganization or lack of communication rubs the court the wrong way, and doesn’t help anybody’s position in a child custody case.

Parents should start thinking about summer vacations in the winter and vice versa. Besides the fact that prices may be better for those who make early bookings, a timely exchange of information with the other parent will cast you as being a responsible, well-organized parent and will solidify your priority right to the applicable vacation time.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Ask Your Child to Itemize the Pros and Cons of Your Household.

2010-07-05T11:11:00.003-04:00

Here’s an eye-opener: Give your kids a pencil and a piece of paper and ask them to list all of the pros and cons of living (or staying) at your house. Regardless of whether you’re the custodial parent or the non-custodial parent, kids are likely to have some opinions about your home, your yard, your house rules, your food, and your lifestyle. Get them down on paper.

Why is this helpful? For one thing, you may learn something about your child’s likes and dislikes that would otherwise never have been expressed. But you may also learn about areas of potential vulnerability if your child is interviewed by a judge or a psychologist. For example, imagine if your son or daughter told a judge (without ever having first told you) that your cooking stinks or that he or she disapproves of all of the fried food that you serve for dinner. By inquiring into the “pros and cons” of living at your house, you’ll get a deeper understanding of the kinds of things your child might talk about, when prompted by a therapist, a custody evaluator or a judge.

Asking your kids to itemize the positive and negative aspects of your household also presents an opportunity for you to improve your custodial position with the child. If a child complains, for example, that you set bedtime far too early, then you should talk about this subject. Start a dialogue on the issue of bedtime. Perhaps you’ll extend the bedtime on certain days of the week, or on certain other conditions. By showing some give-and-take on these issues, you’ll not only strengthen your communication with the child but you’ll teach the child the value of expressing one’s opinions and a civil, balanced method for achieving results. Imagine if such a child told a judge, “I used to think my mom made me go to bed too early, but we talked about it, and she explained to me how important it was to get a good night’s sleep. So some nights I get to stay up later now, as long as I sleep a little longer in the morning.”

Has anybody ever tried this? Have you ever made changes based on your children’s complaints? Please share.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Take the Whole Neighborhood to the Fireworks.

2010-07-04T13:02:00.003-04:00

In a child custody case, one parent generally has custody or visitation rights on Independence Day. Like Memorial Day and Thanksgiving Day, our national anniversary on July 4^th is often one of the holidays which parents bargain for – or fight over – in a custody dispute.

If you have your child on July 4^th, you should capitalize on the festive and communal nature of the holiday. Take your son or daughter to the fireworks, but first, gather up the cousins, the neighbors and their children too. Make it a group event – not just a family event. When you travel with the neighbors and their children, everybody gets a chance to bond, to communicate, and to celebrate under the summer sky.

When other holidays roll around, such as Labor Day or Halloween, the children may want to connect with each other again. In fact, the parents may have discovered valuable relationships and collaborative supervision and transportation arrangements. Perhaps even more importantly, when the next child custody or visitation dispute rolls around, the parent who organized the Independence Day gathering can call upon his neighbors as potential witnesses. The children, if interviewed by psychologists or judges, will remember the July 4^th festivities happily. All of this provides more evidence of the child’s significant connections to the parent’s home, neighborhood and community.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Invite the in-laws…..and your custody case will grow stronger over time.

2010-07-03T10:53:00.002-04:00

It may seem contrary to popular experience, but inviting your mother-in-law and father-in-law to partake in child-related events may help you to win your custody case. Indeed, keeping the in-laws in the loop is evidence of your greater appreciation for maintaining a relationship between the children and their grandparents.

In many families, we find friction between a parent and her in-laws. Like the television series “Everyone Loves Raymond,” the mother-in-law is often looked upon as a busybody, know-it-all, who interferes and dominates when she’s on the scene. In-laws may not always be welcome, and they may be ungracious meddlers. Yet they should not be ignored.

When a custody fight is on the horizon, it is even more important to keep the in-laws connected to the children. Invite them to the soccer games, the ballet performances, the school concerts. Invite them to some of the lesser important events involving the children – not just to the big holiday parties. Invite them to go shopping with you and children, or to accompany you and the kids to the neighborhood park.

Of course, you shouldn’t be inviting the in-laws along because you need them to serve as baby-sitters, or because you’re incapable of caring for your children on your own. Rather, it should be strictly for social and familial purposes. By keeping the in-laws in the loop, you are sustaining an important part of the children’s generational relationships. You’re rising above the petty disagreements, and the problems with your spouse, and you’re demonstrating your commitment to a greater wholesome and nurturing environment for the children.

Often, judges extend custody rights to the parent most likely to accommodate the other parent and most likely to maintain the children’s extended family ties. By keeping the in-laws on the A-List, you have another argument in favor of your own rights to primary custody because you – and perhaps you alone – are the parent most likely to provide an inclusive relationship between the children and their various family members.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Prepping the Guardian Ad Litem Can Boost Your Chances of Success in Custody Court.

2010-07-02T10:49:00.003-04:00

In a child custody case, the court will sometimes appoint a guardian ad litem. A guardian ad litem (or GAL for short) is an independent person who performs services for the court to determine what course of action would serve the child’s best interests. GAL’s can be lawyers, psychologists, and other kinds of specialists. They can be non-professionals who are interested in serving the courts on behalf of children. In some states, GAL’s are paid or the court orders the child’s parents to pay the GAL. In other states, GAL’s work on a volunteer, unpaid basis.

Usually, a court-appointed GAL will be required to conduct an investigation of some sort. This could entail visits to each parent’s home, interviews with the parents and their significant others, with the child or children, and other family members. Observations and opinions by the GAL are frequently submitted in a written report to the judge who will be making the final custody or visitation ruling. Unlike the attorneys who represent each of the parents, the GAL is neutral; his client is the court, and his key focus is on the best interest of the child.

If you are the parent of a child in a custody or visitation dispute, you can help your chances of success by helping the GAL. For example, as soon as the GAL is appointed, you can assemble all of the relevant court orders, pleadings, psychological reports and educational materials for the children. Present these records to the GAL in a nicely tabbed or indexed binder. This will give the GAL a head-start, by providing valuable background information, and will immediately cast you as being helpful, well-organized, and dedicated to your child’s best interests.

Of course, you should exercise care in how you communicate with the GAL. You should not try to recruit the GAL to your side of the case, or provide only helpful documents. You may be required under local court rules to limit your submissions, or to provide copies of your submissions to the parent or the attorney on the other side. But, as long as you work within the rules, there’s no harm in assisting the GAL learn the background of the case and making important documents readily available.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: The ABC’s of QMCSO’s – A Good Way to Improve Your Position in Family Court.

2010-07-01T10:52:00.003-04:00

To demonstrate your commitment to a child’s health care, you might ask the court to enter a Qualified Medical Child Support Order (QMCSO). What is a QMCSO? It is a special kind of court order recognized by federal law, which local family court judges can enter, on a parent’s request, in order to guarantee health insurance coverage for a child.

A QMCSO goes beyond a mere health insurance order. Traditionally, a judge will order one parent to provide insurance coverage for his or her child. This order is usually issued as part of an initial child support order. A QMCSO, however, actually adds the child as a named beneficiary (and alternate recipient) of benefits under an employer’s group health plan. This applies to children born out of wedlock. It applies to children who do not live with the insured parent. And it even applies if the child is not claimed as a dependent on the parent’s federal income tax return.

Another advantage of a QMCSO is that the custodial parent can directly file claims for the child with the insurance carrier without going through the non-custodial parent or his employer. What’s more, insurance benefit payments can be made directly by the insurance company to the custodial parent without forcing her to go through the non-custodial parent (the insured party).

A parent who takes the initiative to obtain a QMCSO to protect the health insurance rights of the child is likely to be viewed as a dedicated and protective parent. In fact, since many judges and lawyers do not deal with QMCSO’s on a regular basis, the parent who invokes the right to a QMCSO may impress the child custody judge as the parent most likely to serve the child’s best interests.

To learn more about QMCSO’s, go to http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/publications/qmcso.html
or for the technical regulations, see http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/regs/fedreg/final/2000032411.htm

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Two Against One. A lawyer for the child may increase your odds of winning the child custody case.

2010-06-30T12:12:00.002-04:00

Nearly every state permits the court to appoint a lawyer to represent the child in a contested custody case. While each parent may have a separate lawyer, the child’s interests are not always well-protected or well-represented by either lawyer. Therefore, under court rules in most states, a third lawyer can join the case --- a lawyer for the child.

Of course, most cases won’t require a third lawyer. In most cases, the court will be able to render a decision based on the representations of the two parents and their lawyers. One parent is likely to be the custodial parent. In other cases, however, the parents are so contentious and so focused on their own rights that a third lawyer is necessary to sift through contradictory testimony and to speak on behalf of the child. An attorney for the child can also interview the child and may ferret out certain truths that are not readily available.

Asking the court to appoint a lawyer for the child can be a brilliant tactical maneuver in the right case. When a vital piece of information is disputed, a third lawyer can resolve the dispute by arguing either in favor of the mother’s version or the father’s version. Indeed, a lawyer for the child may side with the mother or the father, and may recommend that one parent or the other be awarded custody. In this regard, a third lawyer functions as a tie-breaker. Instead of Plaintiff’s lawyer versus Defendant’s lawyer, the case would become a case of “two against one” – giving a decided advantage to the parent whose lawyers shares the same position as the child’s lawyer.

So, while a lawyer won’t be appointed for the child in every case, getting the court to make this appointment (in the appropriate case) can truly increase the odds of winning the custody case.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Name your children as beneficiaries on your life insurance policies.

2010-06-29T11:59:00.005-04:00

When was the last time you checked the designated beneficiary on your life insurance policy? Have you named your children as beneficiaries in the event of your untimely death?

Parents who separate or divorce often forget to update their life insurance policies. If this is the case, you should remove your former spouse (or other person) as the beneficiary and name your children as the new beneficiaries. In the alternative, you might name your children as the beneficiaries, while appointing the other parent (or another person) to serve as the trustee over the insurance proceeds if you should die while the children are still minors.

More than once, sloppy parents have failed to update their life insurance policies and other estate papers, and have inadvertently left their insurance proceeds to ex-husbands, ex-wives, or to other persons. Be sure to consider ALL of your life insurance policies, not just the policy you purchased from the insurance broker. For example, you may be entitled to life insurance coverage as a benefit from your employer, or you may have a policy through a mortgage company or credit lender, or through a labor union, a professional association or other organization to which you belong. Military veterans and other former government employees may also have certain valuable life insurance benefits. Double-check your "designation of beneficiary" forms to ensure that you have protected your children with life insurance coverage.

In a child custody dispute, the fact that you maintain up-to-date whole life, term life or universal life coverage will be further evidence of your serious commitment to protect and support the children. By contrast, a custodial or non-custodial parent, who has not taken this initiative, or who has not updated her beneficiaries to name the children, will be in a weaker position on this issue.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Maintain a spreadsheet showing dates and amounts of child support paid or received

2010-06-28T10:39:00.003-04:00

Officially, a custodial parent cannot bar a non-custodial parent from enjoying joint custody or visitation rights because of his failure to pay child support. Nor can a non-custodial parent refuse to pay child support because the non-custodial parent habitually interferes with his right of visitation. Still, the amount of support paid, and the frequency and timeliness of the payments, are factors that can be used to help or to harm a non-custodial parent’s rights in Family Court.

Both parents should set up spreadsheets to track the child support payments being made. For the non-custodial parent, a spreadsheet maintained on Excel, Quatro, or other software programs can provide a ready resource of the non-custodial parent’s payment history. Does he abide by the child support order? Does he pay on time? Does he pay the right amount? How much are his arrearage? An up-to-date spreadsheet often provides more timely and accurate information than court-run online databases that are not regularly updated. A custodial parent, relying on her handy spreadsheet, could argue against an expansion of the other parent’s visitation rights based on his poor payment history. "I object to the Defendant’s motion," your honor. "He claims to be devoted to the children, and to prioritize their interests, but in the last two years, he’s violated your child support order 16 times, missed 7 payments, and amassed arrearage of more than $4,0000."

For the non-custodial parent, a spreadsheet can also provide a valuable defensive device. Not only should regular support payments be recorded by date and amount, but it is also helpful to record the date of mailing of the support payment, and, if possible, the date the check was paid or cleared by the custodial parent’s bank. Cash payments of support (while not a good idea in general) should also be recorded on the spreadsheet. Non-support payments, such as a one-time purchase of a baseball uniform, should also be noted. By charting this information on a regular basis, a custodial parent can effectively defend himself against unreasonable objections to expanding his custody and visitation rights. If support payments are made on a timely basis, the spreadsheet will function not only as a shield, but as a sword – providing the court with additional proof of the non-custodial parent’s dedication to the children’s best interests.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Create a pdf directory of your child’s key documents

2010-06-27T12:06:00.014-04:00

It is best to do things systematically, since we are only human,
and disorder is our worst enemy.
—Hesiod (800 BC)

Do you have all of your child’s medical records catalogued and indexed? How about report cards and school progress reports? Are they all organized? Can you document, on a moment’s notice, who took the child tax credit on last year’s tax return, what you paid in doctor’s office co-pays for checkups and other visits, and how much you’ve paid the piano teacher over the last 12 months?

Chances are, you’re not that organized. And that’s a shame, because having quick access to all of the records, reports and documents concerning your children can be a great advantage in a child custody case. Your lawyer will love you, and the judge will quickly recognize your level of organization as a measure of your dedication to the child’s best interests. (If you’re already doing this, I congratulate you on your organization! Please tell me how you do it, and what your procedures are).

Today, there is no excuse for stacking school records and medical records in a shoebox or stuffing them in a drawer. These records can be easily scanned into your computer system, converted to pdf files and saved on your desktop, your laptop, or on any number of online record-management programs. In fact, with a little time, you can neatly sort and classify records into folders, and sub-folders, on your computer – without spending a dime. If you choose to purchase software programs, you can carry out even more functions such as searching and indexing records on line. In just a few hours, you can gather all of your children’s records on paper, scan them to pdf format, and sort them into files with such names as (1) Pediatrician Visits; (2) Dentist Visits; (3) Soccer Team; (4) School Band; (5) Report Cards, and (6) Summer Camp.

You need not be a technology geek to do these things. If you don’t have a scanner at home, you can usually buy one very inexpensively these days, or you can scan documents to a thumb-drive at a local office center, such as FedEx Office or Staples. Saving your children’s documents will prove to be a great time-saver when you are confronted with a surprise motion in court or a child custody trial. As the Greek poet Hesiod said, "it is best to do things systematically," and uploading your child’s records into an online directory is the modern method of proving this point.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Do you have any idea what they’re really teaching your kids at school?

2010-06-26T10:28:00.003-04:00

You should familiarize yourself with the curriculum at your child’s school if you want to gain an edge in your child custody dispute. Of course, this is good parenting advice in general. But learning what your kids are learning in the classroom can bolster your chances of success in the Family Court too....as long as you put this knowledge to work.

For example, does your child’s teacher use a "Word Wall" as a device to teach reading skills. A Word Wall helps primary students to learn sight words, sounds, rhymes, word patterns and spelling skills. Try building a Word Wall at home to extend the experience at school. What about mathematics? Does your school use the traditional skills-and-drills method of teaching math, or are the teachers more creative? For example, some teachers ask students to take measurements of objects in the classroom, or to measure the length of a hallway (in yards, then in feet, inches and centimeters). This is another skill set that can be carried into the household after the school day ends.

Older students may be learning about certain cultural themes such as "prejudice" or "the environment." They may be studying historical periods such as "the Middle Ages" or "Colonial Times." Often, textbooks, films and other media are incorporated into thematic classroom discussions as part of a semester-long course on American History or Western Culture. These topical areas can be exploited and examined in greater detail at home as parents and children carry on discussions at the dinner table, or while watching a television relevant program together.

By engaging your children in relevant exercises, activities and discussions at home, that are tied to the educational activities at school, you’re not only improving your child’s chance of success at school, but you’re building a strong case for your role as a caring, devoted parent. In a child custody case, the court will be happy to see a parent who took the time to understand the child’s classroom curriculum and to extend the learning process into the home environment.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Mother Nature and the Family Court: Why Local Parks Might Help Your Custody Case.

2010-06-25T09:35:00.014-04:00

This past week, we’ve been blogging about schools, crime rates, and other ways to compare one neighborhood with another. In judging what’s in the best interest of a child in a custody case, a judge is often required to compare the mother’s home and community environment with the father’s.

Another consideration is the access to parks and recreational facilities. How close do your children live to the nearest park, lake, baseball field, or nature preserve? Is your home surrounded by waterways where the children can go swimming or boating? Are there organized sports in the neighborhood? Trails for walking and hiking? Bike paths? Public recreational facilities?

Because a judge sits in a courtroom and may never even meet your child, he or she may never get to know that your child likes to run, hike, play basketball, swim or go canoeing. In building your child custody case, however, it is important to emphasize the child’s recreational interests and to show how your community provides the greater access to parks and recreational facilities. If you have several children who routinely play together, it is important to develop evidence of how they play, where they play, and what they play. For example, the court might want to think twice before relocating two brothers who spend every free moment playing tennis at the local park. Their fraternal connection, their love of the sport, and their physical proximity to the park all contribute to a picture of stability and continuity that the court may wish to encourage.

Mother Nature is held in high esteem in the Family Court. Good, healthy recreational activities are positive influences on child development. Exposing children to such outdoor activities in a safe natural environment will score a few extra points in promoting your role as a parent in a child custody case.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: My school’s better than your school! Why this might matter in your custody case.

2010-06-24T09:55:00.010-04:00

Mom lives in a great school district. The children enjoy top-notch teachers, health-conscious lunch menus and a full array of inter-scholastic sports and clubs. The school "resource center" has a team of highly trained after-school tutors to help children with computer skills and test preparation. The school band, the choir, and the cheerleader squad are among the best in the country.

Dad lives in a decent school district too, but the state allocates far fewer dollars per student to his district than to Mom’s district. In fact, many of the textbooks in Dad’s district are outdated, and many of the teachers – while loyal and dedicated – lack advanced teaching degrees and specialty certifications that are common in Mom’s district.

Does this matter? It might. Judges do not decide who wins a child custody case based only on who lives in the better school district. But the quality of a district, and its particular offerings to particular students may have a genuine impact on the outcome of a case. For example, a district which provides extensive support services and trained personnel to assist disabled students (and which goes beyond the legal requirements), may be the preferred choice for a wheelchair-bound child, especially if that child has made extraordinary progress within that district. A district that provides advanced math courses for an exceptionally gifted math student may prevail over a district that offers only a standard fare of geometry, algebra, and trigonometry courses. A district which provides one-on-one training for a piano prodigy who performs in school concerts could be the preferred choice as well.

In preparing for a custody trial or a contested motion hearing, parents and their lawyers should always consider the schools. Compare the schools where the custodial parent lives to the schools where the non-custodial parent lives. Consider the impact of certain school programs on the particular children in question. How does the curriculum rank? How do the teachers compare? What about specialized services, extra-curricular activities, state funding per-student? How safe are the physical facilities? What’s the dropout rate? The college acceptance rate? The average SAT score? The number of Merit Scholars? How is the school classified in terms of interscholastic sports? Does the district offer Advanced Placement courses, and if so, in what areas? How well-established is the school district’s guidance counseling department? Its vocational training program? Its special education program? Does the district have up-to-date textbooks and technology? All of these questions, and many more, can paint a picture for a judge that helps the court make the appropriate child custody ruling.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Crime Pays...At least knowledge about crime pays off in a child custody case.

2010-06-23T13:57:00.005-04:00

Let's say you're the non-custodial parent. The custodial parent wants to move with the child from her safe, quiet suburban town to the nearest big city, in order to be closer to her job. She claims that by cutting down on the daily commute from the suburbs, she can provide better care to the child before and after school. She also claims that the big city offers all of the conveniences of a bustling metropolis, including many cultural attractions such as museums that may prove educational to the child.

But wait! The big city also has big crime problems too. And sometimes, in a child custody case, the way to gain the upper hand is to demonstrate that the move to another location may increase the risk of danger to the child. Health and safety concerns impact upon the "best interests" of the child. A crime-ridden city may pose a danger to a young child who walks to school, plays outside or boards public transportation.

For example, consider a move from Boulder, Colorado to Denver, Colorado. Between 2008 and 2009, the number of rapes in Boulder dropped from 40 to 32, according to the FBI's Uniform Crime Reports. Yet, in Denver during the same time period, the number leaped from 282 to 337. In Georgia, violent crimes in 2009 topped 6,300 in Atlanta alone, but in Athens (Clarke County), Georgia, the total was just 472.

Of course, crime statistics are tricky. They vary based on population, on levels of police activity and differences in reporting methods. Still, crime rates often provide a useful piece of evidence in a child custody trial. They can be used to persuade a judge that relocating the child to a crime-laden environment is not in his best interests -- even if it would lessen the custodial parent's commuting time to and from work.

Has anybody actually been involved in a situation in which the other parent exposed the child to dangerous criminal elements?

I welcome your comments.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Conduct a child safety audit before taking your custody case to court.

2010-06-22T10:21:00.004-04:00

Devin, Hunter and Emilio were three boys living in Michigan who caught the attention of public authorities because of their unsafe living conditions. Back in 2007, when authorities investigated the living arrangements, they found that the boys’ mother had been a victim of domestic violence when the children were present. Emilio, an infant, did not have a crib and instead slept on a child’s play couch that was turned into a mattress. Investigators founds that the cushions around the couch were unsafe because the "child could roll into the crack" between the cushions and suffocate. Eventually, in the case of In re Schaeffer, the Court of Appeals of Michigan took the children away from their mother.

The case of Devin, Hunter and Emilio is not unique. In fact, there are many cases in which child custody and parental rights revolve around the safety of the environment in which the kids are living, sleeping, eating and playing. Is your home safe? Is the other parent’s home safe? To avoid any adverse consequences based on a safety issue, you should conduct a safety audit of your household. Perform your own investigation of the kids’ bedrooms, playrooms, toys and blankets, car seats, and other areas. Make sure there are no dangerous or recalled children’s toys in the house. Make sure furniture, doors, electrical outlets and other common problem areas are safe for children. Ask yourself whether there are any social circumstances in the house (for example, a teenager with a drug problem) that might pose a safety threat to younger children.

Performing a safety audit is a good idea, regardless of whether a child custody dispute is pending. But it is even more important if you’re likely to be cross-examined on the issues of health, safety and welfare of the child. In fact, by safeguarding your home against potential risks, you can testify confidently that you can provide the best environment for the child.