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Hobo Dan's Pumpkin Ale Attempt

2015-09-29T22:02:00.000-04:00

The Finished Product

The Wife and I were having a discussion on what beer I should brew in August. At her suggestion, because she is obsessed with all things pumpkin, I put together a Pumpkin Ale recipe. I guess it wouldn't be fall if I didn't ram pumpkin into each and every orifice.

I brewed it on August 16, 2015. It took around 4 hours. A note for those of you who want to make your own beer: it doesn't have to take 4 hours. I have been brewing all grain my last few brews. For starters, you can use extract or partial mash, which only requires around 1.5 hours of brew time. In fact, if you go here, Northern Brewer has a 1 Gallon starter kit that is super easy and helps you learn the basics (comes with a DVD as well). Maybe I should write a beginners post.

The Pumpkin Ale was bottled on September 9, 2015 and clocked in at 5.5% ABV. It was a 5 gallon batch and I ended up with 34 12oz bottles and 8 15.2oz Grolsch bottles.

I cannot claim full responsibility for this recipe. I use all kinds of online resources to research style guidelines and see what others have done to put together a recipe. Much of this recipe can be attributed to BiabBrewing.com's YouTube video where he makes a Pumpkin Ale using the Northern Brewer Smashing Pumpkin kit as a base. I've made some adjustments to mine, including not using the kit at all. That brings me to an important point, if you are interested in brewing, get on YouTube! There is a ton of information out there.

So this was my first attempt at a 5 gallon batch and a Pumpkin Ale. For the most part, I didn't screw it up. Improvements can be made of course, my efficiency is terrible for instance (efficiency is a thing I really don't have the energy to explain right now). But overall, I am pleased.

Next post will be covering my Hard Cider/Beer hybrid (Graf).

Pumpkin Ale Recipe is as follows:

5 Gallon BIAB Pumpkin Ale:
Total water: 7.5 gallons
Strike water 163 F
Mash for 1 hour at 153 F
Mash out heat to 168 F for 7 minutes

Ingredients
58 oz of Pumpkin Puree (2 cans of Libby's canned pumpkin)
9 lbs 2-row pale malt
1.5 lbs munich malt 10L
1.5 lbs crystal 40L
.5 lbs biscuit malt
1 oz Northern Brewer hops
.5 oz East Kent Goldings hops
1/4 tsp Irish Moss
Safale US-05 yeast
1 tsp cinnamon
2 chunks crystallized ginger
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 whole clove
1/4 tsp ground all spice

Warming up my strike water.

Two 29 oz cans of Libby's pumpkin, baked for an hour at 350 F. Added to the Mash for an hour.

Mashed in with a total of 12.5 lbs of crushed malt plus the pumpkin. Rest for 1 hour at 153 degrees F.

After mash, bag removed, bring to a rolling boil for 60 minutes. Hop additions at 60 (Northern Brewer) and 30 (EKG) minutes. Pumpkin spices at flame out.

Here is a sample I pulled to test the alcohol content and color after fermentation. 5.5% ABV

Here is the full batch in the secondary fermentor. After fermentation and transfer to this vessel, I am a few quarts shy of 5 gallons. You always lose volume when transferring and to trub (trub is the white stuff at the bottom of the carboy).

Rule number one of brewing, sanitation! Here you'll see the bottles have already been sanitized and I am transferring sanitizer into my bottling bucket.

Here I am siphoning the beer into the bottling bucket. It's hard to see, but the bucket has a spigot at the bottom to connect my bottling wand.

The final product. 34 12oz bottles and 8 15.2oz Grolsh swing top bottles. They need to sit and carbonate for two weeks in a dark cool place.

Hobo Dan Makes Beer

2015-09-09T14:39:00.001-04:00

So yeah, you probably noticed I haven't posted in a while. Blogging is hard and I read and write all day at work, so deal with it.

Hope's IPA, my first all grain beer

But guess what I have been doing? Making beer. I started in April of this year when I purchase a 1 gallon starter kit from Northern Brewer Homebrew Supply (the Irish Red Ale kit if you're interested). Anyways, I hadn't even tasted my first beer before I knew this was a hobby I could work with. I've always liked to cook and make my own recipes. Like the Northern Brew kit says, if you can cook mac and cheese, you can brew. So how hard can it be?

I cannot promise anything, but I would like to record some of my brew days and recipes here for you all to read about. I'll try and explain myself as I go, so if you are interested in learning how to brew, maybe this will be your spring broad. I will not post on a brew until it is done and tasted, so some patience on your part is required.

That said, first up will be my Pumpkin Ale. It was brewed in August and should be ready to post (and drink) by October 1.

My Most Anticipated Games of 2015: Part 2

2015-01-17T12:41:00.000-05:00

…pation. Welcome back, here are final games I am most looking forward to getting my grubby hands on this year. I promised six more selections in last week’s post, but well, I cannot count, so here are five more. Sorry.

Pillars of Eternity

Pillars of Eternity is a Kickstarted cRPG from Obsidian Entertainment, the studio behind classic such as Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2, Fallout New Vegas and more recently South Park: The Stick of Truth. PoE is their effort to bring RPGs back to the golden days of Baldur’s Gate, Icewind Dale and Planescape: Torment. Think of it as a spiritual successor to those game. Between this and Placescape: Tides of Numenera which will mostly likely get push to 2016 (thus not on this list), old school RPGing is back in a big way. Pillars of Eternity will release on March 26, 2015 for PC, Mac and Linux.

Splatoon

So I don’t have a Wii U. That doesn't make me wish I did and crave the games coming out for it. Sure, third party support of the Wii U is nonexistent. But who cares when Nintendo is making games for it? In all honesty, when you look at the three consoles, the Wii U has the clear advantage when it comes to exclusive games. So in comes a new IP with Splatoon, a multiplayers shooter. Wait what? A multiplayer shooter from Nintendo? Kinda. In Slatoon you run around with a paint gun spraying paint all over the place. The team which has covered the flood with the most paint by the end of the round wins. And you can turn into a squid and swim through you own paint, because Nintendo. It looks like pure fun. Splatoon is due in May.

Legend of Zelda 2015

I know, I don’t even have a Wii U, how can I be excited for this game? There are just some games I’m happy exist, even if I never play them. This Legend of Zelda game for the Wii U and is still early enough in development it doesn’t have an official title, but word is it will come out in 2015. Something about Nintendo is just awesome. It’s an intangible thing. For instance, during the first game play video for this game, the developers showed Link on his horse shooting at enemies with a bow. Nothing unusually here. Then they mentioned that no matter how hard you try, you cannot steer the horse into a tree, because a real horse wouldn’t run into a tree. I had to pause for a moment. For all my gaming life, horses handled basically like cars. No gamers ever questioned it, why wouldn’t they go where you want them to? Not only does this make perfect sense, but now that your horse is cruise control for cool, you’re free to shoot your bow without worrying about running into stuff. Brilliant.

Overwatch Beta

Blizzard is making a Team Fortress 2 like FPS. I’m interested. The beta is advertised as coming early 2015 and I have had decent luck getting into Blizzard betas. Maybe they are inviting me in an attempt to reignite my old WoW addiction. Won’t happen Blizzard. Well, probably won’t happen. I mean, unless…

Below

A few years ago a game named Superbrothers: Sword and Sworcery Ep was released on the iPad. I even worte about it here. It eventually made it way to Steam as well. What an amazingly atmospheric game. The music was what really did it. So when I heard that Capybara, the makers of S&S were teaming up with Jim Guthrie, the man behind the music of S&S to make Below, I was sold. Below looks to be a top down perspective adventure game with roguelike elements and a very Dark Souls feel as well. The art looks fantastic, but I’m most looking forward to the music. Below is set to release sometime this year for PC and Xbox One.

MechWarrior Online Perspectives Part 1

2015-01-13T10:15:00.001-05:00

I have a million things to say about MechWarrior Online (MWO) and this post is only the first of many. MWO is a free to play game (get your boos out now) I have been playing since early closed beta in 2012. It is an arena mech combat simulation in the vein of the old MechWarrior games from the 1990’s. Of course MechWarrior is an offshoot of the old 1980’s Battle Tech table top miniatures game (the MechWarrior games benefit and suffer from this fact). If all of that is confusing to you, think about it like this, you are the pilot of a giant walking tank/robot shooting huge cannons, missiles and lasers at other giant walking tank/robots. Now go clean yourself up so you can finish reading.

I have watched MWO and its community grow and change and argue. It has been an interesting experience because I always felt like more of an observer than I did a participant. I play the game daily and occasionally post on the forms under Hobo Dan. But I rarely play in a group and mostly run the builds I like, not what the dreaded “meta” suggests. My KDR (Kill to Death Ratio) is probably well below the basic standards competitive groups would consider average, but I care not for their tomfoolery. Besides, once upon a time, in a world long forgotten, videogames were meant to be fun, right? I am writing a gaming blog and I must post about the game that, while maybe not my favorite, currently occupies the majority of my play time.

So first I would like to warn you, I have spent real money on this game. Yes, it is free to play. What I have found is that spending money on free to play has made me somewhat defensive of the flaws of the game. I can see then, I can attest to them, but the game is stuck on me in a way I cannot fully understand. Take that into consideration upon judging the opinions that follow.

The shear and utter lack of a new user experience in MWO was lost upon me until this holiday season. In a multiplayer mech shooter, I’ve played a large majority of my games solo. I started playing the game fresh out of the box and have adapted and changed along with it. So when my younger brother got a PC capable of playing MWO for Christmas, I was excited to have a teammate for once. Then he booted it up and I witnessed the awful truth first hand. MechWarrior Online is a monumental dick to new players.

The game has one tutorial that it asks you to play upon logging in. It covers basic movement and shooting, then the game drops you off in the MechLab with not a C-Bill (the in game currency) to your name and says “good luck figuring out 30 years of Battle Tech mech construction rules”. New players who choose the free to play route have only trial mechs as a playable option for between 10 to 15 matches. The player cannot customize trial mechs and only a limited number of trials are available at a time (usually 2 per weight class). Trials aren’t too bad to pilot, and things were much worse for noobs back when the trail mechs were all stock builds. But having this very limited variety is sad. Chances are you’ll drop into a match, see a totally kick ass mech waging a relentless battle against you, only to find you cannot get access to it via trial mechs and it costs 8 million C-Bills just to get the sucky stock chassis, let alone upgrade it.

The game does inject new player’s accounts with extra C-Bills for their first 25 matches, but having any idea what to do with these funds is near impossible. The urge to buy and customize your own mech is strong and without guidance, making a poor decision is easy. I conversed with my brother for an hour over what chassis he should get once he had the cash. At my suggestion, he got a Shadowhawk. A 55 ton medium mech that was cheap enough to have funds left over for customization. Without my guidance, he could have easily purchased a 100 ton Atlas, and been laughed off the battlefield when he ran it stock because he had no left over C-Bills for upgrades.

Players willing to put down some cash are not as hobbled since you can buy the stock mechs for MC (real money) and save your C-Bills for upgrades. But why put down cash if you’re not sure you even like the game? The whole point of free to play is that you can play for free to see if you like the basic gameplay. On top of new and more extensive tutorials for basic gameplay, MWO really needs a MechLab tutorial and Purchasing Guide. I also think a free mech just for signing up would do a lot to help new players out.

I love MechWarrior Online and I want to see it succeed. There is word on the street of a Steam launch in 2015, which would be great for player numbers. But if they don’t fix the new player experience first, I’m afraid it will be a waste.

MechWarrior Online is developed by Piranha Games Inc. (PGI) and is available free to play on their website. If you are interested in jumping into the deep dark waters of mech combat in the year 3051, hit me up, it is smashing good fun once you get your feet wet.

My Most Anticipated Games of 2015: Part 1

2015-01-10T08:00:00.000-05:00

Here you shall find six of the twelve games slated to release in 2015 that I am looking forward to the most. They are in no particular order of importance. Have I missed your most anticipated game? Let me know in the comments and maybe I won’t mock you horribly for having terrible taste.

Massive Chalice

Fair warning, I Kickstarted Massive Chalice last year and have already been playing the beta. It is just excellent. Massive Chalice is made by Double Fine, makers of some damn fine games like Costume Quest, Trenched Iron Brigade and Psychonauts. Massive Chalice is a turn based strategy game in the vein of Final Fantasy Tactics on an epic 300 year timeline. You’re heroes won’t just die in battle, they will die of old age, all of them. Your only hope to survive is to play as a quasi-pimp/matchmaker to hook up your best heroes and hope they produce lots of children. Parents pass down genetic and personality traits to their children. In the beta so far, my best bloodline also happens to be a family of horrible drunks who suffer from a hangover debuff at the beginning of each battle. Massive Chalice is slated to release spring 2015, but can be purchased under Early Access on Steam right now. It is available for PC, Mac, Linux and Xbox One upon final release.

Hyper Light Drifter

Here is the second game on this list I Kickstarted last year. Hyper Light Drifter is an action role-playing game that was promised to be a mix of Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past and Diablo. So count me in. I have actually played the early beta they made available to backers in October. It was a very limited demo of one level of the game and I unfortunately didn't have a tremendous amount of time to play it. What I did play with my limited time was fluid, had great animations and excellent art pixel art. All this has me counting the days to final release. You can expect to be playing this sometime early to mid-spring on PC, Mac, Linux, PS4, PS Vita, Wii U, Xbox One and Ouya of all things.

Darkest Dungeon

I came across this game very recently. Darkest Dungeon is by Red Hook Studios and was successfully Kickstarted in March of 2014. It doesn't have a release date yet, but it’s up on Steam to add to your wish list and is being advertised as “coming soon”. It’s a roguelike dungeon crawler, which doesn't sound at all unique in this day and age, but stay with me. It is also a sidescroller with turn based combat. If you’re still yawning, look at that hand drawn art. That is what the game look like. It looks excellent and has a really great, morbid, moody style. I think I’m going to dig this. When it comes out in February, it will be for PC, Mac, Linux, PS4 and PS Vita.

Code Name: S.T.E.A.M.

Would you like to play a game where Henry Fleming of The Red Badge of Courage, the Lion from Wizard of Oz, Tiger Lilly from Peter Pan and Tom Sawyer team up with Abraham Lincoln to defeat an evil race of aliens invading England? Me too. When Nintendo announces they are making a new game with a brand new IP and gameplay that seems reminiscent of new X-COM, you play it! Code Name: S.T.E.A.M. is coming exclusively for the Nintendo 3DS and I am pretty pumped. It’s not every day that Nintendo releases a new IP. It looks crazy and weird and everything I love about Nintendo. Also, Intelligent Systems, the team behind Fire Emblem, are working on it so you know the strategy elements will be top notch. The game is scheduled for North American release on March 13 and is currently in the May release window for Europe.

Galak-Z: The Dimensional

I’m not usually into this kind of isometric shooter but this one looks fun. I guess that’s all I’ve got. Games are meant to be fun anyways, right? Galak-Z is made by 17-BIT and is scheduled for a 2015 release on PC, PS4 and PS Vita.

No Man’s Sky

This is a pretty popular pick for many anticipated games of 2015 I imagine. Truth is, I really just want to see if the developers at Hello Games can pull off what they are saying this game will do. No Man’s Sky is advertised as a procedural generated open universe, free for players to explore at will. If not familiar, procedural generation simply means the game creates the the game world in this case, using a set of rules the developer puts in place. No artist actually crafts the world or creatures, as is the case in 99% of games. Hello Games claims the system they have put in place can support 18 Quintilian possible planets…. How many zeros is a Quintilian? So it’s a first person adventure game where you pilot space ships, explore planets and we aren't really sure what else. I guess it could suffer from the “Minecraft” problem of no way to win, which some people seem to have a problem with. I do not and have happily sunk hours into a small farm along a cool mountain ridge in Minecraft, so I’ll make due here. We have seen very little other than some impressive, supposedly in game, videos. If it achieves what the developers say it will, it will be an experience unlike any I have ever experienced. Slated for release sometime this year on PS4 and PC.

So that’s all for now, but come by in a few days and I’ll fill you in on the other six games of 2015 I’m most looking forward to. I’m sure you’re filled with antici…

What I’m Watching this Weekend - Smite World Championships

2015-01-09T14:57:00.002-05:00

Roll your eyes: eSports.

I may tune in to see some NLF payoff games this weekend, but outside that, I’ll be polishing of my Most Anticipated Games of 2015 post with background noise provided by the 2015 Smite World Championships running all weekend (9-11 January). Eight teams from around the world will face off to claim a share of the $2.6 million prize pool. Yes, $2.6 for playing a game. The team that takes home first will earn $1.3 million. That $2.6 million dollar pool is the theird largest prize pool in eSports history.

Smite, if you don’t know, is a third person MOBA where teams of five do battle in an arena to destroy one another’s base. It is similar to DOTA 2 and League of Legends in genre but the emphasis on action and skill shots is much higher.

See here for more information on the tournament. Game will be streamed live on Twitch.tv all weekend.

Prison Architect - Impressions

2015-01-07T06:00:00.000-05:00

I grew up in a place where along all the major highways there were three things, corn fields, cow pastures and prisons. So when I booted Prison Architect up for the first time and saw the bleak, untouched field for which I was to build my glorious monument to incarceration, I knew exactly what was up.

This title has been, still is, and may always be in Early Access on Steam. That’s fine with me, I got my money’s worth. I picked it up over the Steam holiday sale for cheap. Currently on Alpha Version 28, I ended up putting close to 24 hours in over three days. If you’re not familiar, Prison Architect is a play on the Dwarf Fortress style strategy, management, builder genera. If you’re still confused, don’t worry, my knowledge of Draft Fortress is purely academic. Basically, you've been given some money and land to build and run your own prison. A very simple building interface helps you design walls and buildings and a Grant system acts as a quasi-tutorial (there is an actual tutorial, but I am man and need to instruction) giving you more money for designing basic structures like showers, canteens, kitchens and cells. You cannot directly control your workers and guards, but only assign them rudimentary things like build this wall and guard this certain area, though the latter is only available after some research.

So that’s it. The charm honestly comes from the details. On my first run, I had no idea I could stop having prisoners dropped on my front door step like abandoned, homicidal puppies. So every 24 game hours, they kept arriving. I built a holding tank for those without a cell sweet cell, but my funds couldn't keep up. Soon my holding cell was flooded with prisoners. At first they were all wearing orange jumpers. Then, as fights began breaking out, some changed into red jumpers. I had no idea what was up with this. Are they Star Trek fans with a death wish? Are they covered in the blood of their enemies? My god the humanity. This went on for about 6 hours (real world hours). A constant stream of prisoners I had no room for, who’d clog the holding cell, beat the hell out of one another and my guards, die, repeat. I had just finished expanding my morgue when the riots started.

Calm before the storm.

The fighting broke out in the canteen, but quickly spread to the cells and common room. Blood everywhere and my single janitor was woefully behind in his duties; no Christmas bonus for him. Soon my guards and doctors were dead. Then I found the “call in riot police and medics” button. Saved! This move seemed only to embolden the rioters. I put the whole place on lock-down, which apparently kept the riot police from entering the prison. My psychiatrist died here (I was kind of hoping he’d join the inmates and go all Scarecrow, but alas). Once I finally wrestled control (burned all my funds to do so) I went to the wiki page for help. At one point during this recovery, I had 25 prisoners awaiting solitary confinement. They were just waiting for solitary rooms to open up! The wiki helped so much. The red shirts weren't covered in blood, they were maximum security prisoners. Apparently I can control what prisoners come into the prison (min, normal, max) and where they sleep, eat, defecate, play and brutally murder one another. Maybe I should have played the tutorial…

No matter, my second prison runs as smooth as urine down the drain of my toilet-less solitary confinement cells that now rarely see use. I've made an execution room as well. I have no plans to use it, but I want the inmates to know it’s there, so I put it off the canteen, with no door hiding it. This is where the game shines. Mechanically, the inmates are no less happy or threatened by the electric chair sitting right next to the pudding cups, but it makes me feel better having it there. My way of telling my cruel digital jailbirds to keep their shit together! The game accomplished a personality all its own. This despite simplistic, graphics. Don’t misunderstand, the game looks good, but some may be put off by the lack of “hardcore realistic graphicz bro”. On the matter of technical crap, in 24 some odd hours of game play, this Indy dev alpha did not crash once. I cannot say the same of Dragon Age Inquisition.

I made a third prison as well that uses the game mode where money is no object, design at will. Superb.

Prison Architect is developed by Introversion Software and is available on Windows, Mac and Linux directly from the developer’s website or through Steam.

Goodbye Dump the blog, Hello Dump the blog

2015-01-05T21:39:00.000-05:00

Here is an awesome picture, marvel at it!

So today I am saying goodbye to Dump the blog and hello to Dump the blog.

What am I on about? In 2014, I turned 30 years old and have effectively abandoned the blog of my mid and late twenties. It was a crass and terrible thing with brief and fleeting moments of glory. I believe it is still a top 10 Google hit for those who search “Hangover Part 2 dic pic”. If you’re still here, bless you. It was a lifestyles and movie blog and for posterity’s sake, it is all still there for you to dig through and read if you wish. But starting now, it will be the new Dump the blog.

So I enjoy playing video games. I enjoy writing when not at work). I’ve decided to make a concerted effort to write more words about the video games I am playing and looking forward to. This document is for you, the reader. I shall announce my intentions, and let you decide if this will be your venue of choice for wasting time.

I primarily play PC games, although I do have a PS3 and a Nintendo 3DS XL. I might even have a PS4 one day, if our PS3 stops being an effective Netflix machine and my wife demands a replacement. I was, in the past, primarily a console gamer, but have seen the glorious PC gaming light (hail Gaben). I primarily play PC games that are not AAA. On occasion I have been known to pick them up, most recently Dragon Age Inquisition, but in generally I’ll grab them on sale years after release. I mostly go for the copious amounts of “Indy” games, as they are referred to these days. I also enjoy one free to play game (MechWarrior Online) where I am admittedly somewhat of a whale (I’ll get into this often, but later). I enjoy most genres, with strategy, RPG and walking simulation being tops of the list.

I will not be reviewing games. This is an impressions, opinion and news blog only. I cannot, and will not filter myself. I will try my hardest to let you know when I have a clear and relentless bias towards something, so you don’t get too butthurt over my words. If anyone ever decides to pay me for my words, I’ll tell you that as well, because ethics.

I can also be found on Twitter @TheRealHoboDan if you wish to follow me. I have been known to take a week long hiatus from Twitter, only to tweet 15 times in 5 minutes at 7 am some random morning, just to piss you off. Fair warning is fair.

Thank you for reading. Please like, comment, follow, retweet or whatever, I can’t keep up.

Thoughts: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014

2014-08-11T16:07:00.000-04:00

I think choosing the Ninja Turtle that best embodies yourself is on the same level of importance as sorting yourself and your friends into Hogwarts Houses. I am a Raphael. The Wife is Leonardo. Now some of you may say that combination is troublesome. I will agree that we often but heads, but just as the famous turtles, when united against a common enemy, we come together and some kick serious shell.

Which Turtle are you? Comment jerks.

So they made another Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I have words to say about it. Read them below.

Spoiler Alert!

TMNT2014 is not the best Ninja Turtles film, nor the worst. Let me put it this way, when the turtles are on screen, it’s great. Too bad they spend too much time not on screen. I understand they want to build up to the big reveal, but twenty odd minutes go by before seeing Ninja Turtles. That’s too damn long!

Also, the plot and motivations for everything are just terrible. I mean bad like few other films have ever done bad before. For instance, Splinter learns ninja from some ninja books he finds in the sewer. How did he learn to read? Also, the guy in the movie who owns a castle is motivated to be evil (and by evil I mean kill like, millions of people evil) because he wants to be rich(er). There is this level of wealth in which more money is but icing upon a huge, golden, dark chocolate cake. Owning a castle means you’re on that level. Also, who knew a castle hidden in a mountain range with 500 foot tall cliffs was within fifteen minutes of New York City? I could go on, and on, and on.

But I’ll leave you with this. People who made this movie (Michael “Assplosion” Bay) which has already had a sequel confirmed for 2016. You weren’t too far from a decent Turtles movie. The turtles themselves were good. Now focus on them some more and holy crap run the script by a seventh grader for consistency before you green light it.

If you like the Ninja Turtles, go see this, you’ll be entertained and have some fun laughing at the absurd plot. If you don’t like the Ninja Turtles then get out of my life.

Mini Review: Guardians of the Galaxy

2014-08-04T13:01:00.001-04:00

Guardians of the Galaxy is the best film Marvel Studios has produced thus far.

It’s better than Iron Man and sequels. It’s better than Thor and sequel. It’s better than (and it pains me to say this) Captain America and sequel. Hulk? Pffh…

It is better than The Avengers.

It’s funny, not because of short quips or references to other Marvel films, but because it’s actually written to be a comedy; not an action film trying desperately to keep things light.

It’s a better Science Fiction film than Thor.

It’s a better team coming together for the greater good film than The Avengers.

Chris Pratt maybe be having the best year ever with this, plus Lego Movie and next being in Jurassic Park 4 (he will most likely be the only good part of that) and the news he is up to play Indiana Jones in the unnecessary yet inevitable reboot.

The whole cast is great. I mean, a tree dude who has only one repeating line has more depth of character than Hawkeye, Black Widow, any and all other secondary characters within the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) and I’ll go right out and say it, if they replaced the Hulk with Groot for Avengers 2, I’d be fine with the move. With or without Rocket, though I prefer with!

I hope whatever James Gunn (Writer/Director) was smoking gets passed onto Joss Whedon because Guardians of the Galaxy was the kick the (progressively more stale) MCU needed rounding third on its way into Avengers 2.

Guardians of the Galaxy is awesome. A huge risk by Marvel that paid off. Go see it.

Thoughts: The Amazing Spider-Man 2

2014-05-05T22:06:00.001-04:00

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was terrible.

I mean, it was really bad. Sure, there were some good performances. The action was decent, when it wasn't being interrupted by awkward teen romance. The CGI was great. But oh, wow, the sum of its parts was mind numbing.

The plot is so full of holes [insert tired and true Titanic reference]. Sure, every superhero movie is filled with plot holes we happily look past because of: great acting, funny dialog, interesting story, fun action, deep emotion, Robert Downy Jr., etc. Too bad Amaz-balls Spider-Man 2 had none of this.

The shear convenience of everything that happen in this movie blows me away. Every time you turn around something is exactly where the plot needed it to be. For no other reason at all. People can use highly complicated technology without ANY foreknowledge of it existence, let alone basic operation.

The villains were so utterly stupid. So, so stupid. First villain be like "Hey, I met you once on the sidewalk, I love you! But now I hate you because I wanted my face on the billboard." Second villain be like "Hey, we knew each other ten years ago when we were like nine and you were my friend, so now I'll turn to you for life saving help. You won't help? I hate you."

By the way, multiple villains in one super hero film is now officially played out. I'm calling it now. Pack it up.

And holy banzai balls the interpersonal relationship scenes between Mr. Parker and Miss Stacy are just so, so awful. Maybe I am an old fart. No, I am an old fart. Just because I am an old fart who likes to say fart does not mean I like to sit through scene after pace shattering scene of mumbling and looking at your feet and indecision and oh look, ghost Dad causing guilt for three scenes early in the film and now he's gone because, cuts!

I don't like this movie. I was okay with the emo reboot first one, but this is just garbage. Obviously, Sony plans to keep making these to hold onto the right so Spider-Man will NEVER be an Avenger. Which is fine I guess because good luck retconing him into Avengers 3 anyways.

Fart Noise Methodology, Star Wars VII and Stuff

2014-04-30T12:39:00.001-04:00

A few things of note.

Last night I came to the realization that I have lost the ability to make fart noises via putting both hands to my face and blowing (I couldn’t find the technical term for this on the internet, though I did find it fascinating that searching “Fart Noise Methodology” brings up some very well written posts).

Sure I can still handfart. Raspberries are as easy as ever. But the hand to face method is somehow cruder, and thus more hilarious. I could never armpit fart. The wife apparently was once a very talented armpit farter. When I asked for a demonstration, she said that since the development of her mammary glands, the noises have never been the same; things getting in the way and all (I was told not to say it's because her bewbs get in the way, so I didn't). But still she produced a few adequate fart noises. Then we both realized we were adults pushing 30, had a good laugh, and made some juicier fart noises.

So the main cast of Star Wars Episode VII was released yesterday. See link. Old and new together in the picture on IMDB is pretty cool. I am assuming since JJ has already made two Star Wars films (he called them Star Trek for some odd reason) that this one will be pretty good because he's had lot of practice.

In 2006 I purchased a Mac Book Pro (the first model with an Intel Processor). Now a lot of things get said about Apple and their products and their pricing. I have even said plenty of negative things about Apple. But let me say this. In the eight years of service, this computer has never crashed, frozen (let it go) or had a virus. It’s been through college, the wobbly time after college, marriage, four years of World of Warcraft addiction, World of Warcraft detox, two charger cables, three batteries and only one small chassis crack. I got my money out of this laptop. I am replacing it this summer not because it doesn’t perform, but because a 60 GB hard drive doesn’t cut it in 2014 and its model can no longer accept OS software updates. Eight years. Goodbye old friend.

I find it amazing I was able to produce a blog post today. The brain works!

You're welcome.

Mad Men, ET and Stuff

2014-04-28T09:45:00.000-04:00

A few things of note.

Last night while watching Mad Men, I noticed that during every commercial break, someone was trying to sell me breakfast food. It stuck me what a good idea it is to advertise breakfast food after 10 pm on a Sunday night during a show about advertising. Most working adults watching will probably be heading bed soon after the show. And the last thing on their minds other than Don Draper’s beautiful stare? That’s right, Jimmie Dean’s sausage biscuits. Much advertising, such meta, wow! Just so you know, I am impervious to subliminal advertising. I had a Mountain Dew and Cheez-its for breakfast this morning… Oh crap, they mentioned Mountain Dew in the episode last night.

So, over the weekend, a Microsoft-backed documentary team went into the New Mexico desert digging for the infamous buried copies of the dreadfully awful Atari game, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. If you’re not familiar, E.T. is widely considered one of the worst videogames ever made. It is the poster boy of the 1983 videogame crash. Legend has it that Atari buried thousands of copies in a New Mexico landfill after it was clear they couldn’t sell them. Many believed this was just rumor. This weekend proved otherwise.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 comes out the week. Despite my lack of enthusiasm, my marching orders have been assigned by the boss (wife) and I will be seeing it Friday. If you’re nice, I’ll do a write up.

Finally, I’d like to shout out to a few people who recently entered the blog-o-sphere:

First, go checkout Random Ramblings of a Running Princess to read all about the exploits of my beautiful wife and her many adventures.

Second, take a look at Live, Laugh, List if you’re into living, laughing and listing.

You’re Welcome.

T-Shirts, NFL Schedule and Stuff

2014-04-24T11:15:00.002-04:00

A few things of note.

A few weeks ago I had dinner with my sister. We had not seen one another since Christmas. But this isn't a see my family more mushy crap crap post. When I got out of the car in the parking lot, the very first thing she said to me was, "You got a new T-Shirt!" I think when people who don't see you very often notice when you get a new T-shirt, you have a problem. By the way, it was a brand new t-shirt purchased that very weekend, but that's not the point. Further examination of the issue via facebook photos uncovered a shocking truth; I dress like a cartoon character. I counted five t-shirts in two years worth of pictures on facebook. More over, in several consecutive holiday photos spanning multiple years, I wore the exact same thing. Often at work, I look down at my name tag and notice I am wearing the same shirt I wore for the employee picture on my tag; six and a half years ago. The pair of hiking boots I wear around all the time, got them in 1999. If I didn't look like a balloon of my younger self, and HD camera technology didn't drawer huge red arrows pointing straight at my forehead wrinkles, I could probably collage all these pictures together and convince you it was a really long summer vacation.

Apparently it's big news when the NFL releases its game schedule. I already knew my Browns would lose eleven games this season, I guess now I know when they will lose them. Aces. I guess this is for people who plan on getting game tickets. So not me, because football (at least NFL) is better on my couch than in person.

Speaking of facebook, it's become rather boring over there (pictures of food, children, pets, what character from some fictional universe are you surveys, and constant links to annoying websites and blogs no one wants to read :P). I think I'll spend more time here and on the Twitter. @TheRealHoboDan

If you like games with loot grinding 4-player online coop and awesome SNES style art, go check out Secrets of Grindea. It's not out yet, but soon.

You're welcome.

Bitcorn, Powdered Alcohol and Stuff

2014-04-22T22:18:00.001-04:00

A few things of note.

I sat through a webinar about bitcoin today. When I originally wrote that prior sentence, I made a type-o, misspelling bitcoin as bitcorn. Because spell-check flags bitcoin wrong every time, I overlooked the error until much later. When I did find it, I laughed so hard I deleted my previous ramblings about bitcoin so I could focus on bitcorn. Bitcorn, in my honest opinion, is a much more suitable currency than bitcoin. First, since bitcorn is a physical commodity, commonly know as candy corn, it is not reliant on computers and technology. Second, bitcorn is not deflationary, as every year millions of pieces of candy corn are produced that no one eats, because it is terrible. Therefore, unlike bitcoin, we will always have more bitcorn to use in financial transactions. Prepare for the bitcorn wars. You have been warned.

I found this article about "powdered alcohol". It's not really a good article, but it made me aware that there is such a thing as powdered alcohol, so it has that going for it.

I ran a 5k this weekend in Pittsburgh. For not running in 6 months, I did okay. By okay, I mean I did not puke on home plate at PNC park.

We have fully caught up with Big Bang Theory episodes and are now reliant on the live TV schedule to watch episodes. This is devastating news.

You're Welcome

Review: Thor: The Dark World

2013-11-15T13:09:00.001-05:00

If you could see my desk at work, you’d understand my lack of motivation. I can’t show it to you because of a confidentiality agreement and I don’t post gore porn on this blog. Anyways, I saw Thor 2 last Friday…

How do I review a film when I don’t have strong feelings for it either way? I was entertained for the almost two hours my ever more flattened ass was crammed into the seats of the theater, but then we left the venue and honestly my mind has not returned to Thor: The Dark World until just now. I am not saying it was bad. I’m not saying it was good. It was everything I have come to expect from a Marvel Comics film. And there it is…

Insanely ridiculous plot, with serious climatic events, complemented by (numerous) comedic filler lines. It’s what we expect. And Thor 2 was exactly what I expected it to be. Sure, I thought some people would die and they didn’t. I didn’t see every little plot point coming, because I am not psychic and didn’t read spoilers, but nothing here surprised me. Nothing in Thor took me out of the theater and dropped me into an Asgardian adventure.

The effects were great. The action was some of the best in a Marvel movie to date. The acting was marvel movie acting. No Oscars here, but an acceptable level of average without too much cringe. It was a fun, if plot hole filled, romp continuing where the original Thor and Avengers left off. It even had some nice cameos.

So why can’t I shake the feeling I was disappointed by Thor 2? Hell, I’m pretty sure it was better than Thor 1. But nothing in Thor: The Dark World captured me like past Marvel films (Original Thor included). I had the same problem with Iron Man 3 and I am crossing my fingers the next Captain America doesn’t suffer the same fate.

Golden Taunt

2013-10-30T10:44:00.000-04:00

I was watching Monday Night Football this week instead of the World Series. There were a few reasons for this. First, I probably wouldn't care if the two teams in the World Series both came down with horrible bouts of diarrhea, the likes of which the world has never seen, and the whole thing had to be called off for fear of starting the next Black Plague. Nothing against St. Louis or Boston, I’m sure they are fine cities, but haven’t they won enough already?

Second, rarely do you get to see so many WVU players on Prime time NFL football at the same time. Third, the Rams gave out free hot dogs to anyone willing to come see them lose instead of the Cardinals. Not that I could receive a free hot dog from a thousand miles away, but I appreciate the gesture. So I’m watching the game when Golden Tate, the Notre Dame product, not only saves a would-be interception, but manages to make the catch and score a touchdown. Great play. Too bad he spent the next thirty yards it took him to reach the end-zone taunting the other team.

What happened to sportsmanship? Congratulations Tate, you caught a ball with your hands and ran across a line of paint. Give this guy a noble prize (I shouldn't say that too loud, they’ll give them to anyone these days). I don’t poo poo all celebrations in sport. There are real, legitimate reasons for celebrating. For instance, when the Pittsburgh Pirates clinched a post-season berth for the first time since 1992 (along with their first winning season since 1992) they had a good reason to celebrate. But they chose to do so in a reasonable fashion; in their locker room as a team celebrating a great win. Not by pointing at the Cubs players and taunting them for another losing season and for having by far the worst stadium in MLB (how the hell old Yankee Stadium was torn down but Wrigley is still standing baffles).

I am picking on Tate. To be fair, in every professional sport (and college, and High School and little league and fantasy league and squash matches) you see this kind of behavior and it’s just sad. But we just let them go on doing it. We let them act this way by buying tickets and T-shirts and spending our precious time watching them run around on grass fields instead of going out and running around on grass fields. Are our lives so sad and meaningless that we must not only attach ourselves to these teams, live and die by their wins and losses, but look the other way when they act like spoiled children? I am aware he was chastised by his coach and the fans gave it to him on Twitter. But mark my words, when he catches his next touchdown, everyone will forget that he is a giant bag of dicks while they celebrate and watch him do the Triple Lindy as a touchdown dance.

You shake the hand of the person you defeated and thank them for their effort. You act as if you have been there before. You take time to realize just how lucky you are to be in the NFL, making millions to play a game.

It makes me question why I watch at all. Am I contributing to the problem just by tuning in?

Review: Carrie

2013-10-28T17:49:00.000-04:00

Hobo Dan: The Wife had to convince me to see this. I generally do not go out of my way to see horror films. It’s not that I dislike horror films, but the general mindless hacking and slashing that takes place is lost upon me. The very fact that there are “rules” to horror films makes them so totally predictable. Have sex? You’re going to die. Born a minority? You’re going to die. Scoff at the notion of bad things happening in the dark/old house/woods? You’re going to die.

I've never see the original Carrie or any of the multitudes of remakes. I know the story though, just like people who've never seen Star Wars already know who Luke’s father is. Pop culture has a way of being soiled. So what can I say about the story? I mean its Carrie, what are you really looking for here? High school kids are dicks. High school kids need to learn to test for telekinetic powers before ridiculing other kids. Side Note: in the last several months I have seen TV shows and movies involving high school gym classes. They all have pools where they hold class on occasion. Where do these people go to school? Even Hogwarts doesn't have a pool.

The acting in Carrie is superb. On a casting note, I truly appreciate when Hollywood casts actors to play high school kids that look like they are actually in high school. Not that I want to piss of Grease fans, but that group of actors couldn't pass if it was about the ten year reunion. Anyways, Chloe Moretz was just fantastic as the sheltered title character. Now that I think of it, I don’t believe I've ever seen her not being great. Julianne Moore was convincingly demented as the Mother. The supporting cast was completely competent at what they were asked to do and again, looked the part of high school kids/teachers.

If you've seen the old Carrie’s, there isn't going to be much new for you here. If you've never seen Carrie, but like myself you know all about it, there isn't much new for you either. If those two sentences don’t cover you, then did you just get the internet and why did you choose to come here first?

The Wife: Having seen the old Carrie numerous times, I've come to appreciate the cheese and dated nature of the late 70’s film. Normally I’m not real big into re-makes, but once it was announced that Chloe Grace Moretz would be portraying Carrie in the new film, I was intrigued. I love her as Hit Girl in Kick-Ass and was excited to see how she would handle the iconic role of troubled, telekinetic Carrie.

Hobo Dan shockingly has never seen the original Carrie or previous remake, but as most non-hermit humans would, he already knows the story of the prom night gone horribly wrong. With the Halloween season here, I convinced him that Carrie would be an appropriate movie to see. He usually isn't big on horror films, but of course Carrie isn't the typical slasher/gory flick you get from your run of the mill scary movies like the Saw franchise.

As a child the character of Carrie never frightened me but her mother sure as heck did. At age 28, I found this to still be true. Julianne Moore played Carrie’s strict and let’s face it down right cray cray mom perfectly. I didn't think she could freak me out like the original actress, but Moore really lived up to the role! Moretz was fantastic as Carrie and it was nice to see her expand her range outside the likes of Hit Girl and the foil to Alec Baldwin’s Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock. She made me feel even more sympathy for Carrie than Sissy Spacek did in the original film. Both actresses were great, but each delivered a unique performance to the role.

I could really tell I was watching a well-done re-make when I found myself wishing and hoping that Carrie would have her dream prom night rather than the nightmare that I KNEW was going to happen. I credit that to Moretz. Overall this is a good movie. Not award worthy or anything, but a solid film.

Review: Gravity

2013-10-24T19:44:00.000-04:00

So I am a space nerd. I mean I read space.com daily and weekly am surfing Wikipedia for explanations about physics concepts I have no business reading. I owned and watched the documentary Moon Shot over thirty times as an eleven year old. I shed tears when Alan Shepard died. Star Trek is a thing for me (don't mention Into Darkness). I want nothing more than for the US Government to hand NASA the keys to the Treasury so we can go to Mars, like, tomorrow. Why has no one built a real Millennium Falcon? What are we doing with our lives? If I was given the chance to go to space, I would take it. So obviously I should like Gravity, right? Not so fast.

First, and I'll keep this as spoiler free as possible, if this movie is real life, Sandra Bullock is dead after the first exciting incident. Period. Then things only get crazier. I'm sorry, and I know it's a movie, but if you're going to promote your film for its scientific accuracy, then I can be all hands aboard the neck-beard ship. Don't get me wrong, the action makes for compelling drama and absolutely amazing visuals, but it could not happen.

But those visuals. Here they got it right. I have never been to space. I also generally hate floaty/shaky cameras, but in Gravity, they are used to make you feel like you're floating along side the actors and it works perfectly. The Wife commented several times how much she needed to vomit. Sidebar, when I go to space, she plans to stay home. And as much as it pains me to say, the 3D effects were also some of the best I have seen, despite the headache I suffered after. But the center piece to all this was the earth. Always there, always visible, always gorgeous. I could not tell if/when they used CGI versus real photography from satellites and that is about the biggest complement I can give.

The acting is meh. It's Sandra Bullock and George Clooney doing their thing. Par, passable, believable, not stunning or Oscar worthy. Also, under those spacesuits they wear a Liquid Cooling and Ventilation Garment, not a tank top and tight bun-huggers. Sorry, did I nerd out again? Anyways, the story is thoughtful and packs some decent impact and character development (even if very compressed). But honestly the analogy at the end is overtly obvious and once again screws with the science aspect of the film (I'll comment below on what this is, so not to spoil it here).

Gravity is a good film, not a great one. It's kind of like a supermodel who passed two years of college before dropping out; she has some brains, but it's still probably best if she leans on her looks to get through life.

The Black Hole

2013-10-23T12:05:00.000-04:00

Wait, is it October?

I feel like I just came out of a coma. A coma I was perfectly conscious for. I am fully aware of how completely I ignored everything and one since April. Not that I don’t have a damned good excuse, but I do apologize. It’s called the Black Hole. It’s caused by work. I’m not saying I have cleared the event horizon, but I am working at full engine capacity to warp out of this funk.

It came to me this past weekend. The Wife and I went to Morgantown, West Virginia with friends and family for the WVU game against Texas Tech. We tailgated and cheered and booed and witnessed a fight (more on that below) and I realized how disconnected I have become since being promoted in April. I haven’t written, or socialized or anything; it’s been stressful. So I’d like to apologize for being stressed out and mean and elusive and for letting Dump the Blog decay. I can’t promise I won’t still be that way from time to time, but I will try hard not to.

Now that’s out of the way, let me tell you about Morgantown. Not Morgantown, West Virginia; Morgantown the person. Morgantown is the daughter of some random dude sitting in the row ahead of me at the WVU game this weekend. He named his daughter Morgantown! I guess she got off lucky; he could be an Oregon fan. This gentleman had copious amount of enthusiasm (alcohol) for the home team. Unfortunately, he believed everyone else that didn’t have as much passion (meth addiction) as he was actively rooting for the other team. This lead to verbal insults and finally, some very choice sign language directed at the rows behind us.

Now I have seen a lot of creative ways to flip people off. I mean a lot! But I have never seen someone tattoo the image of a hand giving the middle finger on their right calf muscle. It seems like a really awkward spot. Once he had exhausted his actual hands in the exercise of vulgarity, he turned, bent over and lifted his pant leg to reveal the tattoo (all while using his wife’s head to balance himself on the bleacher). This was the final insult, apparently, that sparked the target of these attacks and Morgantown’s father to start rolling down the bleachers of section 220. The fight didn’t last long; rolling quickly down five rows of metal bench seats is the number one cause of short fights. We laughed, took pictures and flipped one another calf birds the rest of the afternoon. It was lovely.

So Dump is back, kind of. I want to know what you want me to write about. Comments please. Also, I’d like to thank a certain cousin-in-law-in-law(?) for harassing me about the blog and making me feel super guilty about all this time off.

The Process

2013-04-17T13:45:00.000-04:00

As I dive back into the world of Relay and begin the slow process of bringing these characters back to life, I have to stop and think about what makes me write in the first place. Writing is not easy. In fact for most people writing is hard work. It is certainly hard work for me. So why do I fill my free time with it?

I believe it starts with my desire to tell a story. Ever since I can remember I have enjoyed entertaining people. Somewhere along the line I became terribly introverted, so writing was only natural. I cannot stand in front of people and speak, sing, dance or tell jokes. If I had to do any of this, I’d probably melt under the intense scrutiny. Often I’ll make an off handed comment, play it back in my head and cringe at how utterly stupid it must have sounded, and that’s when speaking to two or three people. So writing works because it’s not in person and I have the chance to edit myself and tell myself how stupid I sound. I’ve been writing stories for as long as I’ve been able to write. I want to say something and be heard. I think we all do. The problem is figuring out what it is you want to say in the first place.

It’s easy to say “I am afraid of getting old and dying.” But that’s not compelling. Everyone is conscious on one level or another that life has an end. How we express ourselves about it is what I’m talking about; working through the anxiety to find some meaning to it all. That’s why I write these dumb little stories. I am searching. I’m talking to myself. My brain is slowly digesting the world, searching for a reason in all this madness. It just poops out as stories.

P.S. – Sorry for the lack of April posting, we’ve been sick/busy. Seeing 42 this weekend, will report on Monday.

The Movies of April 2013

2013-03-29T06:00:00.000-04:00

April is full of a bunch of movies that, if I were rich and didn't need a job, I'd probably go see in theaters because I just like to see movies. But I don't live in that fantasy land of gum drops and rainbows. I live in the green hued Matrix where you are forced to sit down, shut up and do your work or the men in suits will come get you. I generally put Level 2's this months as, I'd see but don't have time or am too poor. You can sort it out I guess.

Don't forget the process I follow to find these little gems of film making. I go to IMDB, find the list of films for a given month and watch the trailers for said films. Then start writing. If I leave anything off this list then it is absolutely not worth my time. Remember, I use my totally made up Hype Rating System (HRS) to discern how much I want to see or not see these movies. Level 1: I plan to see this movie in theaters and so should you! Level 2: I'll probably wait until post theatrical release to see this film (Netflix, Blu-Ray, osmosis). Level 3: This movie will give you an STD. Level 4: I don't want to see it, but the Wife is making me; nothing I can do about it, I signed a contract.

April 5

Evil Dead - Level 3
Where is Bruce Campbell? Okay, I'm going to tear up my nerd-cred card now, I never saw the original Evil Dead films! Put down the pitch forks. I really don't know what to make of this movie. Did we need to remake the Evil Dead? I guess everything gets a remake these days; but we still can't get The Dark Tower made once! I assume from the trailer that they have obviously removed the campyness of the originals. It looks bloody, which I guess some people are into, but not me. Blood for bloods sake is just not appealing at all to me. I'll pass because I hate horror movies, remember?

Trance - Level 2
Young Professor X likes to steal art, too bad he got hit on the head and can't remember where he hid his most recent heist. Maybe a hypnotist can help? Looks like a decent heist/action/lost my memory mind f**k movie. It just doesn't scream "See me now!" I’ll wait till Netflix unless any of you know a good hypnotist that can beam it into my head sooner.

The Company You Keep - Level 2
Robert Redford is too old to jump that fence. Realism broken movie. You cannot go back. He is far to old to jump that fence. I cannot get over it. Oh, hi Shia LaBeouf, you still not dead for ruining Indian Jones? I should give you another chance, but you keep being you and I just don't want you. I see Even Stevens, I see smart ass kid in several other movies. You are a smart ass in every movie Shia and I cannot tolerate it. I cannot. You could probably believably jump that fence though...

Jurassic Park 3D - Level 1
Shut up and take my three extra dollars! Seriously, I am here writing this blog about movies because of Jurassic Park. One of the greatest films ever. Do not speak ill of this movie. You can say whatever you want about the sequels, but the original is an untouchable classic of our modern age and I will jump at every opportunity to see it in theaters, no matter what gimmick they add or price they ask.

The Brass Teapot - Level 2
A poor married couple finds a teapot, a brass teapot even, that spits out money every time they hurt themselves. Then the Jewish mafia comes looking for the teapot, so they have to run from them, while at the same time coming to terms with the corruption than comes from having money gush from the teapot as blood gushes from them. Kind of odd looking, quirky, just up my ally. It will never get within two hours of our theater, but see it if you get the chance and let me know how it turns out!

6 Souls - Level 2
Now here is a horror movie I can get on board with. The trailer wasn't filled with blood or shrieking women in their underwear. There is something very wrong with this guy and the doctor (Julianne Moore) just wants to find out what. No one expects that he is actually a serial killer who is consuming the souls of his victims.

April 12

Oblivion - Level 2
For all the crazy surrounding Tom Cruise, he does actually make some pretty good science fiction movies. I mean, Minority Report was awesome! Also, when I have the need for speed or am looking for a few good men or have an impossible mission to accomplish; I call Tom. I'd like to see Oblivion in theaters, but 42 is taking priority, a double feature maybe?

42 - Level 1
Baseball may just be the best sport to make movies about. And what better story than that of Jackie Robinson? The trailer touts this is the tale of a true American Hero and I tend to agree. Looks like a fine cast and we all know the story. Looking forward to this one.

Scary Movie 5 - Level 3
So what we have here is a parody horror franchise (Scary Movie) making fun of a satire horror franchise (Scream) that was making fun of traditional horror franchises. I’m just going to go ahead and jump on down to Limbo to await the climax of this cluster. After five movies, I think the joke may be getting a bit old. What happened to the idea of an actual comedy horror movie with clever and subversive laughs instead of obvious slap stick/bathroom humor?

To the Wonder - Level 2
I get serious Oscar vibes from this one, and it's not just because I like Javier Bardem. Aside from an all star cast including Bardem, Ben Affleck and Rachel McAdams, the trailer made it look very much like a thoughtful, introspective look at love that I'm sure will garner some attention next February.

April 19

The Lords of Salem - Level 2
So Evil Dead just dropped to the third best Horror movie this month, if you judge by trailers, which is the whole point of this blog post... Anyways, I like the idea of taking the Salem witch trails lore and making it into a quasi secret society for the devil kind of thing. Interesting. Also, written and directed by Rob Zombie for those who care.

April 26

Pain & Gain - Level 3
I did not watch the trailer for this film. I was going to. I even had it loading up. But then my mind pleaded with me not to spoil the fantastic plot synopsis it had written based totally based off the poster and title. Yes, I judged this book by its cover. In my version, FBI Agents Johan Pain and Bartholomew Gain (played by The Rock and Marky Mark respectively) must go deep undercover as inmates into a federal prison to uncover the truth behind the world largest illegal steroid ring. To gain the trust of the inmates, they must complete in painful secret bench press competitions against other inmates. They hear rumors of an ultra-competitive tournament and know that winning it is the key to uncovering the truth. After a long, homoerotic workout montage, they are able to enter the contest and end up in the finals facing one another. I won’t spoil the end. Guest staring Lance Armstrong.

The Big Wedding - Level 4
I just get the feeling The Wife is going to make me watch this. Well, it looks to have too much old people sex. Nothing against old people, but you know what I mean. Everything is fine, they are kissing and it all "Isn't that nice they are still so passionate after all these years!" Then suddenly Diane Keaton has her shirt off and Robert De Niro is all squinty and I can't tell if he's having a stroke or needs an eye exam. It's just a mess.

Mud - Level 2
LOL at Matthew McConaughey playing a character named Mud using his normal accent. "Muuud." LOL. I'm so ready for Star Trek all I can think about is Harry Mud. +10 points for those of you that know of whom I speak. I'd watch this, but children actors seem to play heavy rolls and I am very untolerant of most child actors. Maybe if Matthew was a few years older...

At Any Price - Level 2
You know, I see so many quotes flash by in the trailer telling me I should see this movie and how it's great. But then Zac Efron keeps running around with his shirt off racing cars and doing older women and I think "No." First, because Zac is spelled with a damned "H". ZacH! Second, okay I don't have a second. Looks alright, may even be good, but by April 26 I'll be so close to Star Trek into Darkness I can taste it and won't have time for ZacH or his chiseled, hairless chest. I can only my descriptions of ZacH's chest has not swayed this to Level 4 territory...

And so you have been told of the films of April. Now, go out and purchase new pants, because May is on the horizon. Are you not excited? Must I remind you of: Star Trek Into Darkness, Iron Man 3, The Hangover Part III and The Great Gatsby?

Review: Admission

2013-03-26T14:03:00.002-04:00

Hobo Dan: Friday night after work, rank enthusiasm for the weekend ahead, I accessed my omnipotent mobile phone thingy, located the Fandango app and queried it for information about show times for Admission; the new Tina Fey/Paul Rudd talkie. The search came up empty for times at our local theater. Not to be denied, I made camp at a proper mouse and keyboard terminal and used the powers of Google to expose this misinformation from the dastardly phone. Much to my dismay, the local cinema was not showing Admission. After a brief period of extraordinary rage, resulting the in the total destruction of my mellow attitude, I sat back and played video games until slipping into an eye strain induced coma.

But I’m in the forgiving mood today. After seeing Admission, it’s very clear to me why our local, rural theater didn’t get it. I blame the trailers (or lack thereof) as much as anything for my anger. I enjoyed the film, but rural town Ohio is not the target market for this film. I see that now.

Admission is a well-acted drama/comedy about an Admissions officer at Princeton who had a child in college that she gave up for adoption. I won’t get into the plot anymore than that, but you can imagine where it is going. By the way, are the Ivy League schools really that snooty about themselves? I could get into a rant about the pretentions of our modern educational system and how at the best of times it tries to fit round pegs into square holes; and at the worst of times wholesale ruins the educational future of a child who learns differently, but this film kind of did that for me. I enjoyed that bit.

I enjoyed a lot of bits in Admission. It was entertaining and thoughtful throughout. Judging by the sparse crowd the big city drew, most people must have been more inclined to see intellectual voids like Olympus Has Fallen or a third viewing of Identity Thief this weekend. But that’s okay. To each his own I guess. Ignorance is bliss even.

TL;DR version. I imagine there is a group of you readers who know me and my tastes well enough to make your viewing choice about Admission merely on the following statement: I was fully entertained by Admission throughout.

The Wife: A movie with Tina Fey and Paul Rudd? Sure, why not. After Oz the Great and Powerful, Admission was the only other movie that I anticipated seeing this month. After last year’s The Hunger Games release, which made March 2012 a great movie month, March 2013 has been slim pickings! So imagine my dismay when our local theatre of choice was not showing Admission. It took an Oscar nomination for them to get Silver Linings Playbook, but I will give them that because in smaller cities a lot of the Oscar-caliber movies don’t usually hit theatres until much later after their release. However, I was pretty surprised to see that a movie with popular comedians wasn’t being released everywhere. After seeing the movie, however, I now see why it was not at our theatre since it was more of a “Dramady.” Movies like Admission sadly don’t always have a market in rural areas.

Admission hasn’t done great at the box office and that’s a real shame because it was a good movie. I blame that on the marketing. The trailers depicted Admission to be more in line with comedies, rather than what the movie actually was. Sometimes poor marketing can make or a break a movie (Hello, does anyone remember John Carter last year? Didn’t think so.). Was Admission funny? Yes, but it was more of an intelligent comedy that was actually quite thought provoking and did manage to take on a serious tone at times.

As Hobo Dan mentioned above, Admission revolves around an Ivy League admissions counselor at Princeton (Fey). Her seemingly simple, routine life gets shaken up when she finds out that her son, who she gave up for adoption years ago, could possibly be applying to Princeton. Admission also sheds light on the American higher education system, which I found interesting. It seems more and more society wants everything to be black and white and group individuals into boxes. As someone who has always refused to be identified by simply checking a box, I enjoyed this aspect of Admission. Life is not black and white and neither is our education system. Everyone is different and many people learn differently. This conversation is for a whole other blog topic though, so I will move on and conclude that I really enjoyed Admission. It was a thought provoking film. However, if you go in expecting non-stop laughs you probably will be disappointed. One more thing before I wrap this up: for all my fellow 30 Rock lovers, Admission shows us that in an alternate universe Liz Lemon and Wesley Snipes totally did settle for each other!

Monday Morning Update

2013-03-18T10:57:00.000-04:00

No movies were seen this weekend (unless you count the ESPN’s 30 for 30 “You don’t Know Bo” on Netflix) because the Wife spent the weekend sick and I spent it cleaning up after her sick. It’s sad really. We were supposed to go run a 4 mile race followed by St. Patrick’s Day festivities including me dressing up like Raphael from the Ninja Turtles. Green is green, don’t judge. Instead it was a weekend of going to bed early, eating soup and me watching far too much of a Star Craft II tournament via MLG (Major League Gaming; yes it’s a thing and I like it!).

Do you know how hard it is to blog on a consistent basis? Imagine right now it’s Monday morning and here I sit, trying to compose relevant, coherent words for your future reading enjoyment. I’m still not entirely convinced this is real. Maybe I am still dreaming. I did eat spicy food for dinner last night. I mean, the local radio station just announced they are switching formats from modern hits to classic 80’s hits. Two things about that; One, this means there are zero radios stations in our immediate area playing modern hits. Two, I am sad that things from the 80’s are considered old enough for classic status. Bonus thing Three, was the demand for 80’s hits so high they decided to switch formats? I mean, 60’s-70’s sure I get, but the 80’s? I must still be asleep…

I guess this is an outline for upcoming events on this here blog. I am currently on a two month streak of dumping about monthly movies, so yay! April looks only slightly better than March was. May is still too far away. I also announced last week via this link that I am currently working on Season Two of Relay! All two readers can rejoice. Soon-ish we will be doing a new Best Picture Blog about the most recent winner: Argo. I think soon I am going to sit down and lay out to you in simple terms why I think the current model of TV shows coming out on a weekly basis should die by fire! Fine, I’ll admit, I’ve run out of Supernatural on Netflix and I want more. But in this modern age, does anyone really want to wait until 8 PM on a given night to watch their show? I’d rather watch an episode or five in a row at my convenience. Don’t you mention DVR to me; that’s a scheme by the cable company to get more of your money!

I know you’re hoping I am almost done ranting. Yes, almost. One more thing though, is it just me or did it snow all day Sunday, yet there was more snow on the ground in the morning than when I went to bed? What’s up with that?

Review: Oz the Great and Powerful

2013-03-11T13:36:00.000-04:00

The Wife: Movie Monday is back in full force with our review of Disney’s Oz the Great and Powerful, directed by Sam Raimi. The film, which stars James Franco, Mila Kunis, Michelle Williams and Rachel Weisz, is a prequel of sorts to the iconic classic, The Wizard of Oz. Along with being visually stunning, the story was actually very well done. I was excited for this movie and knew it would look beautiful, but I must admit that I was skeptical if the plot would actually be good. I ended up really enjoying ‘Oz’ and would probably pay theatre price to see it again!

Just like the well-known 1939 version of The Wizard of Oz, ‘Oz’ starts off in black and white film style in Kansas. Viewers are given a look at struggling, lady-manipulating magician Oz, portrayed by James Franco. He is working a traveling circus gig, which seems to be the norm for him. Of course, he is revealed to be a fraud, and after he is caught in one of his many womanizing schemes, he flees the circus via hot air balloon. Much like the original Wizard of Oz scenario, Oz is caught in a windstorm. After swirling and whirling about, the screen suddenly shifts from black and white to a beautiful, bright array of color as the hot air balloon lands. Oz is mesmerized by his new surroundings and soon meets a young woman, who reveals that she is a witch and calls herself “Theodora the good.” Theodora, played by Mila Kunis (who I totally have a girl crush on), explains to Oz that he is in well, a place called Oz. She also believes that his arrival means that the prophecy of a great and powerful wizard coming to Oz is true. Putting his womanizing charm to good use, Oz quickly romances Theodora. However, she takes his advances as declarations of love, much to Oz’s discomfort.

From here, the story unfolds as Oz encounters Theodora’s not-so-friendly sister, Evanora. Oz also meets an adorable flying monkey, Finley. After saving the creature’s life, Finley declares his full servitude to Oz. In addition, Oz finds another ally and adorable companion in China Girl. He later meets another witch, Glinda (Michelle Williams), whom Evanora and Theodora have deemed a “bad witch.” The story progresses as Oz learns the true nature of who is good and who is evil.

Overall, I really enjoyed ‘Oz.’ I found Franco to be the weakest actor, but he did a decent job. Not spectacular, but decent. Let’s face it, Freaks and Geeks was his best role ever and really, he just seems like he tries too hard when he isn’t in his typical stoner-type roles. Weisz did a great job playing the manipulative Evanora. Williams also delivered a solid performance as Glinda. Girl crush aside, I think Mila Kunis was fantastic in this movie. Theodora was also one of my favorite character progressions. While it kind of reminded me of Anakin’s transition to Darth Vader a la Star Wars, I still enjoyed seeing how sweet, naïve Theodora eventually became what we know as the “Wicked Witch of the West” from The Wizard of Oz. Seriously, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! Kunis did a great job portraying a hurt woman gone bad, and I thought she did a pretty good job of nailing the iconic cackle of the 1939 Wicked Witch of the West! My favorite character was the cute CGI flying monkey, Finley. I also absolutely loved the CGI China Girl. Not only were they adorable, but I think they really added to the story and were necessary characters.

As a huge fan of the 1939 version of The Wizard of Oz, I truly enjoyed the references to that film within ‘Oz,’ including the cowardly lion and scarecrow. Also, as I mentioned previously, Oz the Great and Powerful is a very visually appealing movie. Since it is so gorgeous, it makes me even happier that the actual plot of the movie is great. Sometimes a visually stunning movie lacks substance. This certainly is not the case for ‘Oz.’ In my opinion, this is a theatre must-see, especially if you are a fan of The Wizard of Oz.

Hobo Dan: Before I say anything else, let me make an observation. This film was in 3D. I grumbled as we paid three extra dollars. I grumbled as I took the glasses out of their plastic wrapper. I reminded the Wife to put on the 3D glasses, not her sun glasses. I grumbled as the trailers rolled by with minimal 3D effects to bear and the normal muted color palette I’ve come to despise. Then Oz, the Great and Powerful started and I saw some real 3D for once and in color! There were actual vibrant colors in a 3D movie! They weren't muted at all! I still would rather have seen it in traditional format, and I still believe 3D is a blight on the film industry as well as a Hollywood money making scheme, but they at least were able to make Oz not look like total ass in 3D, so I’ll pat Disney on the head for that one.

The technical achievement of this film should not be overlooked. At times I had trouble deciding if James Franco was a real person or not. Every CGI character was full of emotion and life. I loved them. Franco, the title character, could have died; no big deal. But if they’d even hinted at killing off that little China Girl, I would have walked out and started a Molotov cocktail riot in the street. So here is my quandary. Were the CGI characters so good they overshadowed the real actors, or were James Franco and company as bland as they seemed?

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed Oz the Great and Powerful much more than I thought I would. It was a satisfying film start to finish. There is nothing wrong with some good old entertainment. My problems are all in the real life actors. James Franco was hit or miss. When he was being “himself”, an aloof conman, I bought it. When he had to leave that comfort zone he’s built up over years of stoner films, I was less impressed. Then again, no one went to see Oz looking for Oscar winning acting. A little effort is all I’m asking for. For example, Tony Cox, who played Knuck, was basically a PG version of his character from Bad Santa. Don’t get me wrong, he was funny, but a back talking munchkin with an attitude seemed very out of place in the Land of Oz.

On the other hand you had CGI character after character that brought real life and entertainment to Oz. The voice actors in particular nailed their parts. The animations were clean and sharp and rival anything Pixar has done. That’s a very big complement when you consider Pixar films are 100 percent CGI and in Oz, these CGI characters where standing alongside real actors. In 1999, when Episode I came out, George Lucas touted a certain Gungan character for being totally CGI, yet able to stand toe to toe with real actors. It didn’t go over so well. Well today I believe Oz has shown it is possible with the right animations and voice actors for a totally animated character to completely out act their real life counterparts.

If you like The Wizard of Oz, you’re going to like this. It’s a solid film that entertains throughout with amazing effects and absolutely unforgettable CGI characters.