The New Me

Not feeling very confident

2007-10-29T07:40:00.000+10:00

Over all for the week I'm only ONE point over... but still I don't feel very confident. I'm starting to think that I'm losing my initial motivation and drive, and I'm a little bit scared of that. What will stop me from giving up altogether and putting the weight back on that I've lost?

I think that I need to step it up this week! I need to be extra careful on my points, and I need to throw in a few walks and increase my incidental exercise. At work we only have lifts (no stairs).... actually that'd be awful - 8 flights of stairs to go up!

Maybe its TTOM, cos I'm feeling rather yucky inside...

Weigh-in is tonight, I'm hoping I see somewhat of a loss. Here's hoping!

xK

My female body role models...

2007-10-20T13:30:00.000+10:00

Sophie Dahl, the first plus-size model I can remember. And she's so gorgeous!
The ever lovely Katie Noonan from george
Kate Winslet
And of course who could forget P!nk!

7.3kg lighter

2007-10-18T20:49:00.000+10:00

So do I look 7.3kg lighter? :)

Week 1: 173.4kg (SW)
Week 2: 168.7kg (4.7kg loss!)
Week 3: 166.1kg (2.6kg loss!)

I have a goal to get to my 10% goal weight which is 156.1kg by Xmas, thats only another 10kg! I can do it!!!! :)

I'm finding that on some days I go over my points which isn't good at all... I can't get past the fact that I just don't NEED the extra food. Its like a little security blanket for me, well thats what it always has been for me up til now. I DO NOT NEED A SECURITY BLANKET!!!

I'm going for a big walk this weekend to try and combat the extra food I've been grazing on... bonus points here I come!

xK

About myself

2007-10-03T22:50:00.000+10:00

I've never believed in myself. Before today. I had a counselling session which boiled down to my counsellor telling me that above all, I do not believe in myself. That I do not recognise my strengths, and do not feel that I can be proud of anything. I must admit everytime something happens, I automatically think that I can't do it.

I've always known my strengths, but how often does anyone else think of theirs and give themselves a pat on the back?

Susan listed out the following about me:

Cheerful
Optimistic
Determined
Polite
Socially Appropriate
Excellent Social Skills
Lovely Voice & Smile
Curious
Caring
Consistent
Excellent Customer Service
Listener
Sense of Humour

Everytime she listed one of these on the whiteboard, in my mind I was silently rebutting each one. In short, I did not believe her. I don't know why I do that, but instead of figuring out why, I think its as easy at working at it, and practise makes perfect I think.

For years I've thought that theres something wrong with me, that there has to be something that I need to solve. I've blamed all of my problems in my life on this. Well I'm 26 years old and I still can't work out what it is, but its high time I stopped making excuses because I can work on these things in my life... Susan pointed out that the only problem is that I always focus on the negative... So I'm going to focus more on the positive every single day!

She came up with the following homework for me to do... Some I will blog about, some I will think quietly to myself or with Nikki...

1. Every day list 3 positive things that I did that day
2. That means I'm _________

and then if I do get stuck in the negative...

1. Things that I did that didn't work for me or that I didn't like
2. What can I learn from this

...

I already have something to put down for my homework...

1. I went to Brookside today and I hadn't eaten breakfast. Normally I would have gone for the quickest fattiest food, the first I saw. I CHOSE to go to Subway... and had a bacon and egg roll and a sugar-free apple juice box. When I got home and counted my points, it was a total of 8, more than what I'd wanted to spend on a breakfast, but I enjoyed it, and it was healthy...

This means I am determined

2. I then had to go to Coles to pick up a few things and as usual craved chocolate. I walked RIGHT PAST the biiiiig blocks of chocolate, and got a Mars Lite, knowing it was a better alternative. I didn't scoff it in the car like I usually would have done. I got home and sat down and enjoyed the whole thing.

Again it shows determination and that I can stick to something!

3. I went to my counselling session despite being hesitant that Susan could help me. I don't know what I was looking for, a magic cure, a miracle... but I just went anyway (and I'm glad that I did!)

This shows that I'm open to change and learning

So... What can I learn from today? What didn't go as well as I'd hoped? I didn't eat enough points!!! I have a daily allowance of 30 and I only consumed 24 of those. You're only meant to be saving 4 points a day... The first day of tracking I went way over, today I went under - lets see how I go tomorrow! I'm going to spend time in the morning working out my meals for the day so that I can use up all (but 4) of my points.

Fast forward to the future...

2007-10-03T14:10:00.000+10:00

Whats the one thing that I've always wanted to do but never could before?

Travel.

I've travelled with my family before (and even lived overseas) but it can't be the same as when youre an adult. Nikki and I were talking, we wanna go away on a trip when we reach our goal weights. We tossed up several ideas... I think we both agreed on America - because although I have been there I don't remember much of it cos I was 12 and Nikki has never been.

So step inside my time travel - to make this feel real I'm going to visualise it!! So this is what will happen in about 2-3 years time...

*
I'll book our flights... and for once I won't be so scared about where I sit in the plane. It won't matter, I'll be able to sit in the seat comfortably.

Boarding the plane, I'll have the "flying jitters" but no real anxiety. I will take my seat, and try out the tray table. Omg it goes over my lap, and my belly does not sit on top of it! I don't ask for a seatbelt extension - I don't need one! I put my arms on the armrests cos they actually reach those now. I'm in the middle row of 8 seats, the one right smack bang in the middle, and someone needs to get past me. Without getting up, I just slightly angle my legs so that the person can get past. The person goes past Nikki and I, and sits down on the other side of me. For the first time I don't have to turn to that person and apologise "these seats don't accomodate for the larger person, I'm sorry." I can bend down and reach my bag which is under the seat in front of me, without having to use my legs to hoist it up to a more reachable level. Going to the toilet mid-flight is no longer a nightmare either, I can walk up and down the aisle without turning sideways and trying not to look embarrassed. I can fit in the toilet stall and close the door without having to suck anything in. When the person in front of me reclines their chair back, I can still use my tray table, and it is still comfortable for me. This feels good - it feels free. When the plane lands, getting off the plane isn't the hassle it used to be. People can get past me in seats, and when I'm standing in the aisle.

After going through customs and baggage check, we find that we have to carry our bags about 5 mins walk (no trolley!) to get to the car we've rented. No problems! I even find that I'm so happy and excited (even if tired and jetlagged) that I have a little skip in my step! Nikki and I laugh that this time three years ago we would have paid anyone to be our baggage person!

*
How good does that feel to even write!!!!!!
Lookout Australia, cos in a few years time I will be Slimmer of the Year!

First Meeting

2007-10-01T11:17:00.000+10:00

Well tonight was the first meeting for Nikki and I. We weren't very prepared, and so left the house in a rush, with our temporary Unlimited cards in hand... Poor Butch and Mini didn't get fed properly til we got home!

We arrived at the club where it was being held and I have never felt so nervous in all of my life! I knew that my weight had crept up but I'd been in denial about it, not wanting to put in the effort and sort of trying to forget that I have a problem.

Standing outside, one of the WW team saw us and let us in and told us that this door isn't usually an entrance! I was a bit scared because I knew the weighing bit had to come. I wanted to know how I'd go on the scales... so the first 10 mins where we talked to our leader Ann were a bit of a blur. She did say something which has really stuck by me... "Don't focus on the end. Focus on the now, getting yourself healthy NOW... Don't even have a goal weight." My goal weight had always been 70... But now there is no goal weight for me, just getting healthy. (I have a series of health problems so this is something that I really want.) Over we went to the scales... oh *sigh* I was heavier than I thought... It was scary because who knows WHY I let myself get to this...

After being weighed I can honestly say I was in a bit of a downer... I looked around at the other ladies around me and I observed I was the heaviest and the largest in the room... Thats very disheartening. The meeting really helped because it didn't matter whether others had 5 or 50 kilos to lose, they were still in the same mindspace as me! I enjoyed Ann's meeting, she is funny, and very real. I found myself relating to a few things she said, and also a few things that others said as well.

Leaving the meeting, I think I felt a sense of achievement for going to WW tonight... Its been a long time since I've felt any sort of achievement to do with my health, and I'm really proud that I took the first (baby) step! It was really good to have Nikki there with me too, she's on the WW program as well, and we support each other.

When we got home, we sat down with our books, thinking about our meeting and our journey, and made a sarcastic joke: "Hmmmmm, lettuce with herbs for dinner then?!" But by this stage it was 9pm and we hadn't eaten yet! Habit said: get takeaway, come on I know you want me... Finances said: Hmmmm can't afford it right now... Nikki and I came to the decision of making a bacon and egg roll with lots of lettuce and tomato... it was really satisfying!

I've made a pledge to myself, to stick to this. Yes I might have a crap day. Yes I might lose focus momentarily... but I am going to keep pointing, keep going to the meetings, because I want to lose weight, I want to feel good. So if I have a blowout, or I put on weight, I don't care - this is something that I need to do for my health - this lifestyle change. Its not a diet, so I cannot fail! And soon enough I won't be the biggest or heaviest woman in the meeting - I think I'll use that as fuel!!!