infytime

Monkey in a plane

2011-03-17T23:47:00.002+05:30

Once in a country, a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!

No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A nice lesson

2010-07-08T00:18:00.000+05:30

Once a boy went to a shop with his mother. The shop keeper looked at the small cute child and showed him a bottle with sweets.

And said 'Dear Child..you can take the sweets...

But the child didn't take. The shop keeper was surprised.. Such a small child he is and why is he not taking the sweets from the bottle. Again he said take the sweets....

Now the mother also heard that and said.. Take the sweets dear.. Yet he didn't take... The shopkeeper seeing the child not taking the sweets... He himself took the sweets and gave to the child. The child was happy to get two hands full of sweets.

While returning home the mother asked the child... Why didn't you take the sweets, when the shopkeeper told you to take?..

Can you guess the response: Child replies... Mom! My hands are very small and if I take the sweets I can only take few.. But now you see when uncle gave with his big hands.... How many more sweets I got!

Moral: When we take we may get little but when God gives... HE gives us more beyond our expectations... More than what we can hold..!!

Silent conversation

2010-06-22T20:36:00.001+05:30

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."

Conversation between husband and wife

2010-06-20T13:30:00.000+05:30

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see a middle-aged woman. My face is all getting wrinkled, my hair is going grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Life changing experience

2010-06-19T13:30:00.004+05:30

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer. She had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions, she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.

She requested that in that one month we both try to live as normal, life as possible. Her reasons were simple, our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully..

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

What does a Woman really want ?

2010-06-18T20:12:00.001+05:30

For the guys who always ask this famous question!

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would
be put to death.

The question was: "What does a Woman really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester.. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the
exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.

He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the
reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: 'What does a Woman really want?'

She said, 'Is to be in charge of her own life.'

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time.. And the beautiful maiden the other half.

'Which would you prefer? She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day .... or at
night?'

Lancelot pondered the predicament.

During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!

Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?

(If you are a woman reading this) What should YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:

BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, he said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now.... what is the moral to this story?

The moral is...

1) There is a witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!

2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember:

IT'S EITHER 'HER WAY' OR IT'S 'NO WAY'..

Technical support

2010-02-12T22:44:00.002+05:30

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

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Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

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Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

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Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

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Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

Valentine Wallpapers and Animation

2010-02-09T16:58:00.005+05:30

Animation

Infytime exclusive

Starting to post again

2010-02-08T23:37:00.003+05:30

I've got many mails to my inbox in the last couple of weeks asking why no new posts are not being made in this blog. I lost interest in it mainly because i get no ad revenues even though i get decent amount of traffic. I will start to post again whenever i get time. Based on further feedbacks, i will start posting more.

With Valentines day in the next few days, i will post some love wallpapers and animated pics in the next few days.

Please share the email updates of posts with all and also share this blog with your friends and family.

Thank you

Subscriber not reachable

2009-10-19T18:29:00.001+05:30

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After the son had phoned, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

The woman asked the son to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Son said,

"The subscriber you have dialed is not reachable at the moment. Please Try Again Later"

Can you do it ?

2009-10-12T20:53:00.002+05:30

This was developed as an age test by the R&D Department at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line out loud without a mistake.
The average person can't do it!
This is really difficult, not so easy, so be careful.

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is a cat
7. This is fool cat
8. This is busy cat
9. This is for cat
10. This is forty cat
11. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

Funny replies

2009-10-10T00:03:00.001+05:30

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

***********

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

***********

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

***********

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

***********

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

***********

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

***********

Customer : Waiter,this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

***********

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

***********

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

***********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

***********

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.
How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
How long has what been going on?' said the man.

***********

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

***********

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

***********

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,

"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

Find out your phone number

2009-09-07T00:23:00.000+05:30

Works only for 7 digit numbers

1) Write down the first 3 digits of your phone number? (do NOT include the area code)
2) Multiply by 80
3) Add 1
4) Multiply by 250
5) Add in the last 4 digits of phone number
6) Add in the last 4 digits of phone number again
7) Subtract 250
8) Divide by 2

Is the result your phone number?

Creative drawings

2009-06-05T18:19:00.000+05:30

Click on it for a bigger picture

Men's Logic

2009-06-04T22:54:00.000+05:30

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.

The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.

The child Should be in my custody."

The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...

Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?

I don't want to go to School...

2009-05-22T15:18:00.001+05:30

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."

How many days do you work in a year?

2009-03-26T13:05:00.000+05:30

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increment, no commendation. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager. His manager looked at him, smiled and asked him to sit down saying: "My friend you have not worked here for even a single day." The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Man:365 days and sometimes 366.

Manager: How many hours make up a day?

Man: 24 Hours.

Manager: How long do u work in a day?

Man: 10am to 6pm i.e 8 hours a day.

Manager: So, what fraction of the day do u work in hours?

Man: He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 i.e 1/3 (one third).

Manager: This is nice of u! what is 1/3rd of 366 days?

Man: 122(1/3 x 366=122 in days)

Manager: Do u come to work on weekends?

Man: No sir.

Manager: How many days r there in a year that r weekends?

Man: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.

Manager: Thanks for that. If u remove 104 days from 122 days. how many days do u now have?

Man: 18 days.

Manager: I do give u 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do u have remaining?

Man: 4 days.

Manager: Do u work on Republic Day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: Do u come to work on Independence Day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man: 2 days Sir!

Manager: Do u come to work on New Years Day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man: 1 day sir!

Manager: Do u work on Christmas Day?

Man: No Sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man: None Sir!

Manager: So what r u claiming?

Man: !!!...

ATM card procedures

2009-03-25T12:01:00.001+05:30

How a man withdraws cash from an ATM

1. Park the car

2. Go to ATM Machine

3. Insert card

4. Enter PIN

5. Take money out

6. Take ATM Card out

7. Drive away

*********

How a women withdraws cash from an ATM

1. Park the car

2. Check makeup

3. Turn off engine

4. Check makeup

5. Go to ATM

6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse

7. Insert card

8. Hit Cancel

9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it

10. Insert card

11. Enter PIN

12. Take cash

13. Go to car

14. Check makeup

15. Start car

16. Stop car

17. Run back to ATM

18. Take ATM card

19. Back to car

20. Check makeup

21. Start car

22. Check makeup

23. Drive for 1/2 mile

24. Release handbrake

25. Drive on.

Hidden meanings

2009-03-10T18:13:00.000+05:30

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

Hearts/Love Wallpapers

2009-02-26T23:04:00.004+05:30

How powerful is 'Punctuation'

2009-02-24T14:28:00.000+05:30

An English professor wrote the words : "A woman without her man is nothing" On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote : "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful and can change the meanings.....

Life without girls

2009-02-20T11:01:00.000+05:30

Markets silent

Streets empty

The police at rest

All mobile companies in loss

No SMS

No Flowers

No Valentine

No Candles

No Perfumes

All men directed to Heaven

New rules and regulations for employees

2009-02-14T18:04:00.002+05:30

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

Mails

Don't read junk and forwarded mails.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

Funny conversations

2009-01-23T13:30:00.000+05:30

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field

Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

Wife: Honey...... What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing.

Wife: Nothing...??
You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour...??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.

A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married.

Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.

Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?

A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying...
& the other ensures U Continue to do so.

Funny replies

2009-01-15T13:30:00.000+05:30

A man went to an auction. He bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he kept on bidding,

But kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher.

Finally, he won the bid. As he was paying, he said to the auctioneer,
"I surely hope such a costly parrot can talk.

"Don't worry", said the auctioneer,
"He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Buyer to seller: Is your dog faithful?

Seller: Yes, I have sold him 3 times earlier also.

He is so faithful, everytime he returned back to me.

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too..... and be sure the cup is clean!"

Waiter instructs the cook: "Two teas, with one asked for a clean cup."