Me, Myself and I

What a week.....

2010-09-06T17:35:00.002-04:00

I started my first rotation in general surgery on Monday, August 30th, 2010. It was a rough ride the first two days. I was just following the residents around like a lost puppy...Unsure of myself, not understanding my role on the team.....I was placed with a new team on Wednesday because every 1st of the month, the residents begin a new team. This team is wonderful! They are very patient with me and willing to teach me the ropes! I've had an opportunity to scrub in on many surgeries this week. During the surgeries, I have held retractors for the attending, operated the laparoscope, cut the sutures for the attending and resident. I was also pooped on during a surgery....I know...crazy, but it happened!

The most difficult part right now is adjusting to the very long hours and being away from my family. If they were here with me, I'm sure this wouldn't be as difficult for me. I would be able to come home and see my son's smiling face and hear his words...I would be able to get the biggest, my loving hug from my wife.....and best of all, fall asleep right next to the loves of my life! That physical comfort would be enough to get me through each and every difficult day in this surgical rotation. But they are not here, so I must move on the best I can. I will take each day as it comes and plan on having a great day of learning! I look forward to seeing my family in 2 weeks and that is what I focus on. That is what keeps me going on a day to day basis...

My goal as far as this rotation goes this week:

1. Follow up on patients and be able to confidently write a SOAP note
2. Continue to scrub in on surgeries
3. Close the wound in surgery
4. Continue to learn how to write a Trauma H&P
5. Continue to learn how to write a Surgical Consult.

Day 1: General Surgery

2010-08-30T19:51:00.002-04:00

Today was my first day in general surgery. I woke up at 4:15am and left the house by 5:15am...didn't take me very long to get there or find the parking structure I was told to park in. I arrived on the floor at 5:30am and waited to meet my preceptor at 6am. We did morning rounds together where she checked in with her patients. I was able to get a pair of scrubs, but had to wear my dress shoes all day long! Talk about tired feet!! I then just followed my preceptor around all morning until she asked one of her fellow co-workers if I could sit in on a couple surgeries she was involved in...And I was off to the OR! I got to scrub in the first surgery which was a repair of an inguinal hernia! I also had an opportunity to hold a retractor for the doctor! That was awesome! I must admit, I felt important! Then, I just observed the next surgery...It was a long 2.5 hour surgery and I hadn't had but one granola bar up to this point and it was almost 3pm!!! I planned on going to lunch but, I had to meet my preceptor. We went through more rounds with the higher ups....We were back and forth in and out of patient rooms...So no time for food! I barely had time to use the bathroom...Yet she told me today was a slow day! OMG! Slow?? oh wow! I finally got to leave at 6pm and was told to be back at 6am! Oh, boy....the way I feel right now, I hope the next 6 weeks go by very, very fast! And I don't think surgery is where I want to work simply because of the hours....It's too tough on my family...Although, I loved holding the retractor and I'm going to love to suture!! :) I'll check back next week so let you know how I'm doing!

Reflecting.....

2010-08-13T21:28:00.003-04:00

As I watch this show called "Boston Med", I am reflecting on my past year in school and what I am about to face in 2 weeks. It has been a long, difficult, exhausting year! There have been many who have doubted me. And some who have been allies and nothing but support! I just had a classmate tell me this week that in the beginning of the year he thought I would "never make it". And then he said he was really proud of me!

On my last day of lecture, I got into my car and the radio was on....The chorus of the song was "I made it". Can you believe that? I sure have made it!

I found a new tv show that I just love! It is called, "Boston Med" and it is on ABC (I am watching the episodes free online!!). I watch some of the interns/residents go through losing patients, saving lives, laughing and joking with coworkers, going home to their families...I sat there for a moment and felt really sad. Sad because my family will not be here with me. I won't be able to come home from a hard day and talk about how I witnessed a patient dying. Or the times where I will help save someone!! Or the little things, like suturing up a wound for the first time! I just hope that the next 3.5 months go by quick so that I can be reunited with my family and be able to share my journey directly with them.

Stay tuned as I take you through the ups and downs of my clinical rotations......

Welcome to the Wild, Wild West...

2009-07-06T11:57:00.002-04:00

Okay, well not very wild....okay, yes wild...but not in the old western sort of way...geez...anyways...

I am excited about this next phase of our lives. Both my wife and I look at this move as an adventure...We are young, healthy women who have the ability to move across the country! How exciting!

Yes, I am still in school and yes I technically have 2 more years left...but my school is willing to work with me. For instance, I am taking my last pharmacology exam at Samuel Merritt University in Oakland, California because I really wanted to leave with my family and help them set up shop in San Francisco. I will return just before the fall semester and will fly back home to Cali between 10 days and 2 weeks or whenever my exam schedule allows. In the meantime, I will Skype with my family every night before heading to bed! I will get to see my beautiful wife and handsome son and give them hugs and kisses before heading off to dreamland and dreaming of them! We will only have to do this for the next year! And keep in mind, I have many breaks at school...There is Thanksgiving break, Christmas break, and Spring break where I can stay home for more than just the weekend (classes are only Tuesday thru Thursday from here on out!!).

Most if not all of our friends (or Chosen Family as we call them) are excited for us and jealous, but jealous in a nice sort of way. Maybe jealous is not the right word...Maybe it is envious...Wishing they too couple pack up and leave this state that has the highest unemployment rate in the country. So many people have wished us well and are very happy for us---they say, "wow, San Francisco is so beautiful!" And it is...

My family on the other hand...not so happy. My grandma cried on the phone and said that is so far away, my sister has not returned my phone calls, and my brother just said some mean, jealous things on text message to me. I find this all sort of humorous. I mean, I haven't spoken to or seen my sister since our combined birthday party back in May! And I don't think I've seen my brother since Javier's birthday party in April! So why are they all so upset about this move? Are they THAT jealous? Is jealousy the root cause of this?

I have been told that I need to deal with this (the family) and not throw my feelings aside. I'm not really sure what I feel for them. I do know that I am happy to be moving away from them. I don't like to be caught up in the drama and would rather not have my son exposed to that either. I am sad to leave my dad, but I know that I will keep in good communication with him and that we WILL come back to visit him!

Anyways, I am excited about our move....Nervous, but excited! I think we will have amazing stories to tell our children in the future! I hope you are excited for us too! :)

Wow, What a Year!

2009-04-07T23:02:00.002-04:00

Our son is turning a year old next week! It is so hard to believe that it has been an entire year since we brought our little bundle of joy home from the hospital! This year has been very challenging. Javier has had a food allergy that was not fully realized until last month! He is now on the right formula and is growing! He has gained 1 1/2 pounds in a little over a month (which is a HUGE deal for him!). He is nearly 17 pounds now!

He is doing so many things....He is really imitating us. He loves to laugh when we are laughing, we taught him how to throw his little stuffed football, he is crawling at super speed now, he plays with his balloon, he plays independently in his bedroom, he knows that a comb is for the hair, he knows that his little toothbrush is for his mouth, he knows when he hurts himself that we go get "nemo" from the freezer (it is his little ice pack), he has recently started to climb up onto our bed and loves to look out of our bedroom window, he knows what a bath is when we say, "do you want to take a bath?"--he heads for the bathroom, and the latest that happened today is that when his mommies were kissing, he became jealous (or something???) and started whining!

This year has been challenging with his allergies, but even with all of that, Javier is a very happy guy. He just amazes us everyday! I love to watch him...

Wow, our son will be a year old next week! :)

It's Been A While....

2009-03-19T11:33:00.003-04:00

This has been a challenging year. From going back to school, to Javier's milk allergy and all the ear infections, colds, ect..., to dealing with postpartum depression, and contracts....it has been challenging. And as I write this, lil Javi is whining to be picked up. So I pick him up and he says, "a-ya ya ya ya...a-yayaya". Then he proceeds to grab my glasses (it is time for lasik!!!) and then pulls my hair and thinks it is funny even though I say "no" very stern! So I put him down and he is content for 2 seconds. He is now pulling at my pajama pants. Yes, I am still in my pajamas at 11:40am. The life of a stay at home mommy!

Update on Javier.....He had another endoscope in February. It revealed that he has eosinophila esophagitis (which means he has allergies in his esophagus-the food tube). He was being exposed to something he is allergic to. So we had an appointment with his allergist and they drew blood to test for numerous food allergens. A few days later, we found out that he is positive for Milk. That includes whey and casein. His formula was changed to Elecare/Neocate which is a "nutritionally complete amino-acid based medical food". He may outgrow the allergy. But will not know for probably a year and a half or so. He is also on baby Zantac 3 times a day for the acid reflux. He seems to be doing much better! Since going on the new formula, he has gained about 1 pound in a month! That is excellent!

Now he has another ear infection and is on amoxicillin, ear drops, tylenol and motrin! Those ear infections are awful for the little ones! We just hired a new nanny and she is great with Javier!

She speaks spanish and will speak to him and play spanish music! She has been all over the world and we think that is so awesome!

Javier is crawling all over the place! And he is crusing down the couch and other furniture! He loves the cats! He tries to give them hugs and kisses all the time! They don't like it so much because he basically lays on top of them to hug them! He say:

mom
mama
baba
a-ya ya (?)
a-rar rar (?)
ka (kat)

Update on me and school...The winter semester is near the end (already!). I have tons of stuff due and no time to do it! I am taking 3 classes: pharmacology I, health care issues and policy, and health promotion and risk reduction. This summer I have 2 classes- research methods and pharmacology II. And then next fall, I will begin the "tougher" classes with Clinical Medicine I, Diagnostic Procedures and Physical Exam.

Micki is doing great...Working on her next contract. She is now in negotiations. We will see what happens! :)

We are planning to take a few trips coming up. San Francisco, Mexico and probably Texas. We love to travel and show Javier different culture, landscapes, weather!

That is about all for now....

Halloween 2008

2008-11-02T21:31:00.002-05:00

This year was so much fun now that we have a baby! Not that the past Halloween's haven't been, but this year was special now that Javier is in our lives! He was a bumble bee....Micki's male coworkers had a real problem with that and they even took a poll to see if it was "acceptable" for a boy to be a bumble bee for Halloween! Can you believe that?! That is the beginning of life-long struggles for boys right there!

Anyways, we took Javier visiting friends and family in his costume! He was a real trooper! :) What fun!

Can't wait to do it again next year!

Better and Better

2008-09-29T21:04:00.002-04:00

I think I am making great strides with my depression. I have been seeing my therapist and I am taking medication. I believe the combination is helping significantly! I have good days and bad days, but the good out weigh the bad.

I had no clue that I was depressed. When I think of "Postpartum Depression", I think of that old woman who lies in bed all day long crying and wanting nothing to do with her baby! Seriously, that is what I thought! I am learning that postpartum depression has a wide range of symptoms! They call them "mood disorders". I found this great video on either you tube or yahoo videos that explained a few different mood disorders. I felt so much more "normal" after watching that as well as speaking to others who have gone through this before. I felt CRAZY!

My therapist has verified that I am not crazy and that my symptoms are very much a part of postpartum depression. She explained it like this...She says I am going through a "menopause state"..No, I am not in menopause, but that my estrogen was really high (during pregnancy) and then dropped off very low. Most of the symptoms I am experiencing are an effect of the low estrogen. Everything from having little energy, fatigued, headaches, loss of appetite (well, that isn't a symptom of menopause; it is the opposite), no libido, night sweats (I am very warm at night..not in a puddle of sweat when I wake up though..Another thing that has happened to me is not being able to remember how to spell! Or that a word is on the tip of my tongue and I cannot think of it for the life of me! I just think to myself, "what the hell is WRONG with me?"! I have been reassured that I am normal.

The Video:

http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play?p=postpartum+depression&b=22&ei=UTF-8&fr=yfp-t-501&tnr=21&vid=000162627844

I just take one day at a time. Stay in the moment. I think that is good advice for all of us!

My Recovery

2008-09-10T14:25:00.003-04:00

It has been about 7 days since I have sought help for the anxiety and depression. I feel much better this week than I did last week. Last week, I felt like my head was "foggy" or "cloudy". That is the only way to describe it. I didn't have much care in what we did or where we went. I was just sort of "going with the flow". I have a follow up appt. with the OB-GYN that diagnosed me next week as well as a 3rd appt. with my therapist in 2 weeks.

I do not know if postpartum depression runs in my family. I have not spoken to my family yet about this. I do plan to speak to my sister, my grandma and my dad as soon as I am feeling up to it. It is difficult to talk about right now. As the days go by and the better I feel, I will feel more inclined to do so.

Thanks for listening.

The stuff they don't tell you about.....

2008-09-05T12:27:00.003-04:00

I haven't felt "the same" since I've had our baby. I just thought it was the hormones and that I needed to get back to a more equilibrium state. So, I waited and waited for that day...and still waiting.....

Thinking back to the trip we had to take to Texas just 4 days after Javier was born, I had an anxiety attack. It was night and we were in bed and I told Micki that I just wanted to go home. I was so nervous and out of my element and wanted nobody to touch or hold my baby except for Micki and I. Micki agreed to change our flight to Friday instead of Sunday and I felt a bit more at ease. After a few days there, I was fine with leaving the baby. I realized that it gave Micki and I an opportunity to get out and run errands or have dinner.

I seemed to be doing just fine the rest of the summer. Although I felt a bit more laid back, more reserved and a bit more quiet than usual, I thought I was just fine. Until Micki's mom and step dad arrived in early August. As soon as they arrived, they took my baby out of my arms...I got a bit angry about that. I found myself angry a lot while they were here (in the beginning of the visit). They stayed for a month and I realized they were a big help to me. I was able to run errands quickly and go to doctors appointments and such.

Our last weekend together we decided to go up north to my dad's place (Labor Day weekend). While there, I had a major anxiety attack while everyone was sleeping. My body had this huge surge of heat, followed by my heart pounding out of my chest, while my hands felt the heat surge with pins and needles. I had Javier in my arms and felt as though I needed to hand him over to Micki and just run out of the house...Run as far as I could and get all of that energy out of me! However, I just took a few deep breaths, put Javier in his bed and got myself ready for bed. I had a splitting headache and my stomach was flip-flopping. I was so scared to tell Micki about it. I finally confessed the next morning. I didn't know where this came from and I was so scared! We called our OB-GYN's office and told the doctor on call what was going on and she said that this is nothing out of the norm. I was anxious all day long. Like I was on pins and needles and just could not relax. We had to call the doctor back later that day to see if she could prescribe something for me. They gave me Lunesta (you know that sleeping drug for those who have trouble falling and staying asleep)...I didn't care...I needed something!

I went to see our OB-GYN the next day. She rather disappointed us. She didn't make me feel like I was normal...She made me feel like there WAS something wrong with me. She didn't want to prescribe anything else for me until I saw my therapist (which was scheduled for the following day)! She said that she definitely thought I should be on something, but wanted our therapist to recommend something for me...When I heard that, I had another anxiety attack right there in the exam room!!! I had to have Micki open up the door! I felt all closed in and the heat surge run through my body...The doc wanted to draw some blood to check my thyroid and CBC (which all came back normal). She met us down in the lab with a cup of cold water for me...At this point, I was in a daze. I get very drained after having an attack. It is like I am disoriented (and my therapist later told me that feeling is the psychological aspect of an anxiety attack...just as you have the physical with the beating heart, sweaty hands, heat surge..you also have the psychological part which can be disorientation, drained energy feeling---interesting). We tried to call our therapist to see if she could recommend something at that moment but we couldn't reach her...then we called our Primary Care doc and couldn't get a hold of him either. Finally on the way home, Micki called her OB-GYN and he spoke to me on the phone. He prescribed an anti-anxiety drug as well as an anti-depressant right then and there in return, I would go see him the next day.

I took my pills that night. The anti-anxiety pill took effect within 1/2 hour and I was feeling so much better. I was finally able to eat! See, I lost my appetite as well. Nothing sounded good to me since I was really sick to my stomach.

It has been 4 days since I've started my pills. I feel better, but still not "normal" yet. I understand that it will take a bit for the drugs to really get into my system and it will take time in therapy to work on everything. I am being patient. I am living in the moment (as per my therapist) and trying to get through today---I don't need to think about tomorrow yet.

Confetti Collostrum

2008-08-28T19:48:00.001-04:00

Confetti Collostrum

2008-08-28T19:47:00.001-04:00

Javier

2008-07-30T11:08:00.002-04:00

Boy did this boy give us the scare of our lives recently! He stopped breathing on us a couple weeks ago! It was very scary to say the least...Micki thank goodness beat his back and brought him back to life while I was on the phone with 911...

Through some testing (upper GI, colonoscopy, endoscopy, nasal/throat swabs, bloodwork, urine samples...) they finally determined that he has severe acid reflux (which is perhaps why he stopped breathing...he choked and stopped breathing) as well as a hypersensitivity to milk protein.

Javier is on a new hypoallergenic formula and doing much, much better! He does not spit up, he does not have gas, he has normal twice a day bowel movements (unlike before when he was constipated all the damn time!), and he is eating a lot more and sleeping better now! In fact, he has been napping for an hour and 15 minutes so far!!!

What a joy to watch this little man grow up before our eyes! Here is a clip of our baby boy laughing with Mommy Micki!

Allergies

2008-07-22T12:48:00.002-04:00

Allergy Testing......

I did not have allergies as a child. It wasn't until I was in college and 19 years old that I started sneezing and whatnot...I was put on some medicine and that was that....I would only have problems in the fall and in the spring...As the years past, I began to have more and more issues with allergies, and they were starting to bother me all year long. About 4 years ago, I finally made an appointment with an allergist. I would see this doctor every 6 months and all he did was change my meds. I was having terrible headaches all the time and he just kept dismissing it and saying that it wasn't due to allergies. I was concerned so about 2 years ago, I decided to seek the help of and ENT doctor. This doc sent me for a CAT scan and didn't find anything except a slight swelling on one side of my sinus cavity....So back to that same allergist again...He just changed my meds once again. When I became pregnant, I had to stop all meds and I was terrified....However, I didn't seem to have any issues whatsoever! My allergies were GONE!!!

Now that I am not preggo anymore, the allergies are back!!! I decided to go see a new allergist. This place was wonderful! They thoroughly examined me which I really appreciated! So the suffering is soon over (hopefully)!

I was told that I am allergic to everything (they tested me for) except dogs and cockroaches!!!! Can you believe that?? No wonder I've felt so bad the past couple months!!! My doctor also said, "when you eat cantalope or celery, does your mouth tingle??" I said, "um, no...but then again I don't like cantalope!"... Apparently, I'm allergic to those two items as well as many grasses, molds, pollens and trees....oh, and cats....Guess it probably doesn't help that we have 5! (I am checking into encasings for our pillows and mattress) I will be on 2 different nasal sprays and a medication that I take once in the morning and once at night. I will also start allergy shots next week!

Here is a pictures of my skin test from today! Crazy, huh??

Shadowing...

2008-07-11T09:49:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I shadowed Physician Assistant Mike at the Henry Ford Hospital downtown. I arrived rather late in the day (noon). We first went to lunch across the street from the hospital in a small diner and then we went to an hour long meeting. There were 6 MD's and Mike the PA there to discuss patients they were treating. They discussed their individual issues and a treatment plan. Afterwards, we headed downstairs to a surgery room. Mike explained that this 40 year old woman was diagnosed with a Postpartum Hypertrophic Heart, meaning that when she was pregnant, the fetal cells from the baby attacked the mothers tissues. The mother had some sort of immune disorder that caused this. As a result, her heart grew very large and was not pumping properly. So this woman had to have a device installed last year that actually pumped her heart for her. The surgery I observed yesterday was to replace that device with a different device. She is also on the transplant list for a new heart, although Mike said that it will be difficult to find a heart for her due to her small size and the fact that she has had many blood transfusions and because of this, her body has produced a lot of different antibodies which means that it will be difficult for her body to accept the new heart. Anyways, yes I did see her heart. It was an open heart surgery. It was awesome!

Turns out last night on this TV show called, Hopkins (which is based on real-life doctors at Johns Hopkins Hospital), there was a 19 year old man who was getting a heart transplant and had the exact same device that I saw yesterday in the OR!!!

I plan on returning to shadow Mike in a couple weeks. He will also set me up with other disciplines that I am interested in shadowing. I hope to observe in Neurosurgery, Cardio-Thoracic Surgery, Ortho, and OB/GYN.

Overall, yesterday was a great day!

Excited and Proud

2008-06-26T20:57:00.000-04:00

So, not sure if you have been reading my blogs over the past 2 years or not, but I had an incident at school 2 years ago.....

I was going to school full time to become a physician's assistant. The class load was very tough! I had an issue with one of my classes. I tried to study on my own and that didn't work out so well...There was way too much material that had to be covered in a very short amount of time! Anyways, I didn't meet the minimum requirement of 80% on my exams and lo and behold, I was dismissed from the program! I know, I know....It seems harsh. However, I take full responsibility for what happened and I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason".

I cried my eyes out and felt like a big loser for a good couple weeks....But I sought out my therapist and talked things over with her and got back on board! I knew that I was going to start re-applying to schools all over the country! I want to be a PA!!

I have taken some classes over to gain better base knowledge, I have attended study skills workshops such as time management, note taking and one on learning styles...I researched a lot of information on learning styles online and discovered that I am more of a visual/kinesthetic learner and that I prefer pictures/graphs/charts to the written or spoken word...I have also discovered that I will no longer take my computer to class and that I will hand write all of my notes (remember like we used to back in the day!!), I will be shadowing a wonderful PA at the Henry Ford Hospital downtown....

I re-applied to 4 programs this past year and received interviews at all 4 schools! I was turned down by 1 program, but was put on the alternate list for the other 3 schools....I finally received a call last week from my 1 choice!!! I am in!!!!!!! I am back in!!!!!!!! And it just so happens to be the school that let me go 2 years ago!!

Micki and I stopped in to share the good news with one of my ex professors and my ex advisor and they remembered me!!! It was so good to visit with them and to have them meet our son! They reassured me that I will do great this time around and are so happy that I am in the part time program!

What a great feeling! Micki and I have been on cloud 9 since we received the call last week! I am so proud of myself for pushing forward and not letting this experience stop me from pursuing my dream of becoming a physician's assistant!!!

Q. What is a Physician Assistant (PA)?

A. Physician assistants are health care professionals licensed, or in the case of those employed by the federal government they are credentialed, to practice medicine with physician supervision. As part of their comprehensive responsibilities, PAs conduct physical exams, diagnose and treat illnesses, order and interpret tests, counsel on preventive health care, assist in surgery, and write prescriptions. Within the physician-PA relationship, physician assistants exercise autonomy in medical decision making and provide a broad range of diagnostic and therapeutic services. A PA's practice may also include education, research, and administrative services.

PAs are trained in intensive education programs accredited by the Accreditation Review Commission on Education for the Physician Assistant (ARC-PA) .

Because of the close working relationship the PAs have with physicians, PAs are educated in the medical model designed to complement physician training. Upon graduation, physician assistants take a national certification examination developed by the National Commission on Certification of PAs in conjunction with the National Board of Medical Examiners. To maintain their national certification, PAs must log 100 hours of continuing medical education every two years and sit for a recertification every six years. Graduation from an accredited physician assistant program and passage of the national certifying exam are required for state licensure.

Babes

2008-06-16T21:16:00.004-04:00

the universe on a mission
two souls lost
and found

time stopped

a deep love-
soulmates
created for one another

love and cherish
from the beginning

until we meet again
on the other side

06/16/08

My boy

2008-06-13T14:09:00.004-04:00

Yesterday Javi and I went to mail some packages and then we strolled on up to the Ferndale Library to check out some Baby Einstein videos. He was hungry so we sat at one of the tables by the children's section and he gulped his bottle in no time flat! Then we resumed our search for videos...We found one Baby Einstein and one Baby Genius DVD. We left the library and I was hungry and Javier was sleeping so I strolled him over to Java Hut. I planned on eating outside since the weather was fabulous, but there was a man smoking at one table and a dog chained to the other table....So, I ate inside. Javi briefly woke up so I held him and rocked him back to sleep. I read the Between the Lines while I ate my turkey sandwich.

I was thinking how lucky I was to be able to do this with my son everyday. I really do enjoy spending time with him and showing him new things and new places.....I wonder how different our lives would be with a second child. Would I be able to do the things like I did yesterday??? I really don't think I will. Unless Javier is in day care a few times a week in order for me to spend that one on one time with the new baby.

I just wonder what life would be like with two babies...I don't think we can even understand what it would be like until we are there though. I can survey and ask other mothers, but I won't know until I get there I suppose.

We want more than one child. I love Javi so much and it seems difficult to even imagine sharing my love between him and another child. But I know that parents do it all the time. Perhaps I feel this way now because Javi is still so young.

The Marriage Debate

2008-06-08T18:48:00.004-04:00

People wonder why we "gays" are fighting so hard for marriage to be legal for us....Here is a few reasons why....Read below...

The myth of the marriage penalty

Despite what you may have heard, when it comes to taxes and benefits, it generally pays to be married. But that's not true for all couples. Is it for you?

By Liz Pulliam Weston

If you believe the myth about the marriage penalty -- the one that says you pay more taxes when you're married than if you'd stayed single -- you might be baffled by the whole gay marriage thing.

Why are gays and lesbians trying so hard to get hitched, you might ask, if marriage is so hard on the wallet?

The reality is that marriage has plenty of legal and financial benefits, including tax benefits. Even before Congress changed tax rules in 2001 to deal with the so-called marriage penalty, more married couples got a tax bonus from being married than paid a tax penalty:

51% of married couples paid less tax jointly than if they had not been married, according to a 1996 Congressional Budget Office analysis. The average amount these couples saved: $1,300.

42% of married taxpayers paid more by filing jointly than they would have if they'd remained single, the office said. The average penalty: $1,380.

The people who got tax breaks by marrying were those with disparate incomes, where one spouse earned more than the other. The wider the gap between the paychecks of the husband and wife, the bigger the bonus.

The people who tended to face a marriage penalty were those with similar incomes. Typically, the more they made, the bigger the penalty they paid.

Who's really penalized: The poor

The people who faced the most egregious penalties, as a portion of their income, were the working poor, according to tax expert Edward McCaffery, a law professor at the University of Southern California and the author of "Taxing Women." A husband and wife who each earned $10,000 could end up with a marriage penalty of more than $4,000.

Those low-income couples still face the potential for a tax penalty, said Mark Luscombe, a principal analyst for tax research firm CCH. That's because the earned-income credit, a tax break designed to keep the working poor out of poverty, can be less for a two-earner household than for singles.

But Congress effectively eliminated the penalty for the majority of couples with its 2001 legislation, which has since been extended (but not made permanent; more on that in a minute). The standard deduction for married couples is now twice that for singles, and, for 2008, the 15% tax bracket has been widened for marrieds to $65,100, twice the limit for singles.

Dishonesty about finances is one of the biggest causes of divorce. Here's why it's such a marriage breaker.

There's still a potential for an income-tax marriage penalty once joint incomes reach the 25% bracket, but the widening of the 15% tax bracket means that even those who pay a penalty will pay a less significant one than in the past.

The legislation eliminating the penalty for most couples is set to expire in 2010. Congress will be under plenty of pressure to make the change permanent, but that doesn't mean it will happen.

Still, even without income-tax breaks, there are plenty of financial benefits to marriage, regardless of their income-tax situation. Among them:

Workplace health and pension benefits coverage. Though some companies offer health coverage to domestic partners, this benefit is typically taxable as income. When spouses are covered, the benefit is tax-free.

Social Security retirement and survivor benefits. A husband or wife is entitled to one-half of the spouse's Social Security benefits and to additional benefits in the event of death.

Lower insurance rates. Married people usually get a discount on auto insurance and may pay less for other types of insurance.

Automatic inheritance rights. Die without a will, and your spouse gets your stuff. In many states, the surviving spouse has a legal right to at least one-third to one-half of your estate.

Preferential estate-tax treatment. The richer you are, the better the deal this is. Essentially, estates worth more than a certain amount -- it's $2 million this year, and that will rise to $3.5 million in 2009 -- are subject to estate taxes. But this exemption amount doesn't apply to married people: You can leave an unlimited amount to a spouse without generating a penny of estate tax. In certain states, this benefit is multiplied by special capital-gains-tax treatment for homes and other assets held by married couples as community property.

A penalty still on the books

One marriage penalty that remains has to do with Social Security taxes and working spouses, particularly women.

The Social Security Administration says 62% of the women over age 62 who receive benefits do so based on their husband's work records, rather than their own. A little more than half of these women didn't earn enough to qualify for payments based on their own work records. The rest opted to take half of their husbands' benefits because they were larger than the checks they could qualify for based on their own earnings.

Now, in one very real sense, these women are better off married because they benefit from their husbands' larger Social Security checks.

In another sense, they're severely penalized because all the Social Security taxes they contributed over the years essentially yield no additional benefit. They'd get the same payments if they'd never worked and paid into Social Security.

This is no small potatoes. Social Security taxes now eat up 6.2% of every worker's paycheck, up to an annual maximum of $6,324 on earnings of $102,000 in 2008, while employers contribute an equal amount.

As more women work and earn better salaries, the proportion claiming benefits based on a spouse's record may decline somewhat. But because men still earn more on average than women, this phenomenon certainly won't disappear. Given the precarious state of Social Security and political realities, this is one marriage penalty that's likely to persist.

Gay Pride 2008

2008-06-03T14:36:00.002-04:00

At first, I was a bit disappointed and sad. Although our beloved rock star chosen family member Steph attended Pride with us, we did not see many of our friends compared to last year. There seemed to be however, many more people at this year's pride than in any other year I have attended. It was nice though to take our son to this event. Many of my wife's following had a chance see our son and ogled him for a moment which was nice (and weird too!). I must say the people watching is fabulous! Wow do these events bring out the strange and unusual!

As my wife and I were about to leave her post, a former professor of mine was just walking by. She was one of my professors from PA school. I had a feeling she was a lesbian, but she never came out to me. She was a big supporter of mine during my dismissal. I met with her afterwards to see how I could improve my application for the next round and she explained to me how she told the committee how fantastic I was. That I was "well above where I should have been" and that I knew that material almost word for word (the physical exam) which was incredible. Anyways, this professor of mine had an accident some time last year where she had suffered some trauma to her head, leaving her with short term memory loss. I was afraid to contact her, fearing that she wouldn't remember who I was (given that I attended her class 2 years ago!). Anyways, back to Pride....She walked by and I stopped her and spoke with her. She did remember me!!! She also said that she and my former advisor went to bat for me! She said that they really pushed for me! I was truly honored! I told her that I will keep applying to the university until they are sick of seeing me!!! I also told her that I have applied to a few other schools and I am an alternate with those schools and that I may need to update my recommendations for the next round of applications. She said that she would be more than happy to write a recommendation for me!!! She told me to contact her this week and she'd check up on things...

I was so excited! I was floating all afternoon and the next day too! I emailed her yesterday and plan on calling later this week! I sure hope that I get back into this university and prove that I can do it! :)

Below are some pictures from Pride....

Ignorant People

2008-05-30T10:19:00.001-04:00

Wow, I'm sitting here watching Ellen and she just played a You Tube clip of a woman (Oklahoma Rep. Sally Kern) that went on and on about how homosexuality is the "biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism, or Islam, which I think is a big threat".

We've come so far, yet have so much further to go.....How is it that people can treat others so poorly? We are all human beings...We have feelings, desires, wants and needs.....

Anyways, here is the link to watch the clip from the Ellen Show that debuted today, May 30th, 2008.

My Son

2008-05-23T13:59:00.003-04:00

Every day I am amazed at the cute faces my son makes...or how much he's grown since he's come home from the hospital...He is just so handsome and I cannot stop staring at him!

He didn't really take a morning nap...He slept for about maybe 30 minutes. I picked him up and we spoke to one another for about an hour....He really tries to babble something back to me..In fact, he made this cute little high pitched noise and I just melted! I put him in his boppy and gave him tummy time for the first time!! He held his head high and looked around!! It was so amazing to see! Of course I had to snap some pics of that! I am the paparazzi as most say!

He had his lunch at about 11am and then fell asleep at about 11:30am. I quickly jumped into the shower and while rinsing my hair, the dogs started barking at something!!! Which of course woke up lil Javi....He was in and out of sleep for the next half hour....He was finally ready to wake up at about 12:45pm....Fixed a bottle and he passed out in his boppy after drinking only 1 ounce!!! Oh well, guess he was tired....

GAY MARRIAGE IS LEGAL!!!!

2008-05-15T19:06:00.003-04:00

In California!!! How exciting! I am hoping that this will soon spread across our nation, but if not, then here we come Cali!! How great would it be for Micki and I to be legally married and have ALL of the same rights as heterosexual couples....For Micki to be able to adopt our son (since she cannot here in the state of Michigan), for us to have medical rights and to make medical decisions for each other.....to have estate rights.....Read below....

In striking down the ban, the court said, "In contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes that an individual's capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual's sexual orientation, and, more generally, that an individual's sexual orientation — like a person's race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights."

Here is the rest of the story if you want to read it:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080515/ap_on_re_us/gay_marriage

Our 1st Mother's Day

2008-05-12T14:17:00.002-04:00

Our first mother's day was a great one! We spent the entire day at our friend's Stephanie and Suzie's house. They have a son who is 1 1/2 years old. The grandparents were over as well and we had a great brunch with waffles, fruit, eggs and a variety of toppings for the waffles...It was soooo good!

Javier did such a great job yesterday. He slept for a majority of the day, but everyone was able to hold him and/or feed him! I just hope this keeps up! For the most part, I think it will since he seems to have a really laid back personality! I'd like to hope I had part in that...I tried to be really laid back and calm during my pregnancy and hopefully it paid off! :)

Thanks to our chosen family for being there for us and including us in on such a special day! I enjoyed my time!

AAARRRRGGGHHH THAT WOMAN!!!

2008-05-08T15:01:00.002-04:00

Yesterday my wife decided to send my so-called mother a text message. She never received a response....until today...It came in the form of an email to me! I have never come across someone on such the defense before! This woman never takes responsibility for herself! She blames everyone else BUT her for situations. She's always so caught up in the "why are they trying to hurt me" (**when we clearly are not trying to hurt her**) drama that she misses out on important events! It's always excuse after excuse....

I chose to email her back. And I feel like I really told her what I was feeling. I told her that for many years, I have felt like she is NOT a mother. Like she is some distant cousin that I see once a year. I told her many other things as well, like how hurt I was that she wasn't there for me. She wasn't there for my pregnancy, nor was she there for the birth of my son.

This woman was not this way when I was a child. I'm not sure what went wrong. Did something snap in her when she was beaten by my brother's father??? (My brother has a different father---an abusive, disgusting man). I know this goes way back, but she is completely different now.

She will not meet Javier until she has changed for the better. And I let her know that.