Fairytale Beginning

260. Seeing Double

2012-01-30T23:09:00.000-06:00

The moment Will walked through the door, the volume in the house rose at least seven notches. Will doesn't have an "inside voice," so you can literally hear his voice bounce off the walls. I was so excited to introduce him to Cayden. They'd both heard so much about each other. But as soon as Will walked up to him to shake his hand, I was speechless.

I looked from Will to Cayden. Cayden to Will. Will to Cayden. Then I looked behind me to read my sisters' facial expressions. We were all thinking the same thing: Cayden and Will could have been twins. Will was a little darker, but other than that, they both had shaved heads, the same facial hair, slightly big ears, and they were practically the same size. I never thought I had a type, but with those two standing next to each other, there was no denying it.

"They look exactly the same!" Meg whispered across the table.

"I was just thinking that," Jay whispered back.

Cayden and Will introduced themselves while I sat there with my jaw on the table, trying to compose myself. Then Will made his rounds, hugging or shaking hands with the rest of my family.

"So, y'all went to church?" Will asked with a puzzled expression on his face. He knew we weren't the church-going type.

"Yeah, we went to hear a friend sing. It was amazing," I answered.

I had a flashback of the one time I went to church with Will. For an assignment in one of my college courses, I had to attend a religious service that was different from my own. Being that I didn't have one, per se, the door was wide open. I knew I wouldn't survive through a Catholic service because at times I have the attention span of a fly. And I can't sit without bouncing one of my legs, which can be quite a distraction to anyone else on my pew. Then I thought about attending a Buddhist service. But then I had the perfect idea: I wanted to go to a predominantly black southern Baptist church. Will was my escort. Needless to say, I didn't fall asleep during that service.

We all gathered around the dinner table with our full glasses of wine or Shiner Cheer Beer and bowed our heads over our meal while Will said grace. Then we held out glasses up and clinked them against each other before digging in. We had ham, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, and cranberry sauce. There wasn't a moment of silence at the table. Even with our mouths full, there's always something to talk about when the whole family is in town.

I kept one hand on Cayden's knee under the table as we ate. Whenever he was on town, I felt like I had to touch him every chance I got. I knew how much I'd miss it when he was gone. He kept one hand on top of mine and smiled at me any time we made eye contact. I loved knowing that from that day on out, I'd never have to spend a Christmas without him. If all went as planned for his move over in May, he'd be all mine all the time. I got lightheaded just thinking about it. Or maybe that was the Cheer Beer.

"So, what's the plan for tonight?" Will asked as we were scraping the last bit of dessert off our plates. "We hittin' up Papa Gs??"

Papa Gs was a holiday tradition at my house. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, you name it, the night usually ended with us stumbling home after 2am with a bag of Whataburger after a night of drinks at the G (also known as the G-spot. I know, we're so mature).

"It's closed," Meg announced, looking up from her phone in shock. She'd just received a text from a friend who'd driven by and saw that the "open" sign was off. "It was closed last night and tonight. What the hell is going on?"

Papa G's never closed. It didn't matter if it was Christmas day or the rapture, Papa Gs was was always open for business.

"Now what?" I asked, looking at my sisters and brother for an answer.

We all shrugged and stared at each other.

I wouldn't admit it to my siblings, but a small part of me was grateful it was closed. All I wanted to do was curl up with Cayden in front of the fireplace and watch Love Actually or The Family Stone. I could tell my the weight in Cayden's eyelids that he was grateful as well. Jet lag was kicking in.

"Drinking games?" Noelle suggested.

"Can I have people over?" Corbin asked.

"They better bring their own liquor," Mom answered.

"Anyone up for a game of Scattergories?"I suggested, partially to be funny and partially because I'm a 60-year-old lady at heart with a penchant for board games.

Scattergories it was.

259. Hand in Hand

2012-01-25T23:12:00.000-06:00

Goosebumps raced down my arms. My breath was stuck in a state of constant inhale. Marvin's voice washed over me as he belted the chorus of Mary Did You Know? It was my favorite song to hear him sing because he didn't hold back. He sang the chorus so powerfully he had to hold the microphone at waist level so we wouldn't all go deaf.

Cayden turned to me and mouthed the word "wow."

I responded with a silent "I told you so."

Cayden was just as taken away by Marvin's singing as the rest of my family had been for years. Growing up, my dad always played Neil Diamond's Christmas album on the record player on Christmas morning, but a few years back we retired Neil for Marvin. No complaints here.

I wish I could say Marvin's singing was my favorite part of the service that morning, but nothing touched me more than when I saw two men in their 70s walk hand in hand toward the front of the cathedral to take communion. My heart melted. It was true love, and I was overwhelmed with an emotion I couldn't quite put my finger on. Was it compassion? Gratitude? Pride? Love? All too often we hear about churches turning people away because of their sexual preference. It warmed my heart to know that those two men had a place they could go to to worship and show their love for God and each other without ridicule.

"Will you still hold my hand when we're that age?" I whispered to Cayden.

He nodded and then held my hand up to his lips and kissed it. "I'll still call you my hot wife when we're that age."

I planned on holding him to that.

After the service we found Marvin in the lobby and he wrapped each of us in a warm bear hug.

"I am just so glad you all could make it! It's been way too long! How is everyone? Who's this one?"

I pushed Cayden out in front of me.

"Marvin, this is my boyfriend Cayden."

I tried not to wince while I waited for his reaction. I had a feeling he still had his heart set on me being his daughter in law.

Marvin's beaming smile didn't even twitch as he shook Cayden's hand and said how nice it was to meet him.

"Now let me tell you something," Marvin said to Cayden, while placing his hand on my shoulder. "Whitney is just precious. She's incredibly smart and talented and beautiful inside and out. And if you treat her wrong, there's a little black man inside me somewhere that will come out and kick your ass."

258. Merry EX-Mas

2012-01-25T00:51:00.002-06:00

My family isn't exactly what you'd call religious, so church is usually the last place you'd find us on Christmas morning. But this Christmas was an exception. Close family friend and talented gospel singer, Marvin Matthews, was in town to sing at the Cathedral of Hope Christmas service in Dallas, and I wanted nothing more than for Cayden to experience it. Marvin's voice could make a blind man see; a deaf man hear; a strong man cry. His voice was so powerful, it made the hair on my arms stick straight up and sent goosebumps down my spine and back up again.

I met Marvin when I was 14. His son was my first boyfriend. That relationship lasted a whopping two months a week and a day, which was a long time in middle school terms. We were friends before he asked me out and we stayed friends after I broke his 8th-grade heart. His family became my family. A few years after we broke up, Marvin jokingly tried to bribe me $1,000 to marry his son because I was his favorite of his son's girlfriends.

Marvin sang in my sister's wedding, and I was dead set on having him sing in mine one day, which was another reason I wanted Cayden to meet him so badly.

We all woke up early that morning, got dressed for church, and piled in Mom's SUV to make the drive to Dallas. I'd done some research on the church so I'd know what to prepare for, and found out the Cathedral of Hope was the world's largest liberal Christian church with a primary outreach to the LGBT community. We were sold at "liberal."

Half way to the church I received a text message from Will.

Will: Merry Christmas!

I scratched my head. I was almost positive he was supposed to be in Puerto Rico with his girlfriend over Christmas. Was he texting from there?

Me: You, too! Are you in Puerto Rico?

Will: No. We broke up.

Me: WHAT?!?!

I gasped out loud. My heart sunk. Everyone turned to look at me.

"Will and his girlfriend broke up."

My mom gasped. The rest of my family was stunned to silence. Cayden was the first to speak.

"That's awful. What happened?"

"Does he have anywhere to go for Christmas? Tell him to come have Christmas with us," Mom said.

Then Meg chimed in, "I thought they were forever."

I thought so as well. They'd been together nearly three years, and they were, in my eyes, the most adorable couple on the face of the planet.

Will: Long story. We're not speaking.

Me: Does that mean you no longer have Christmas plans?

Will: Just planning on hanging around here I guess.

Me: Alone?

Will: Alone.

Me: Pack your bags. You're coming to Texas! We'll be back at my place around 1. See you then!"

It was roughly a three-hour drive from Oklahoma City to Keller. If he got on the road before noon, he'd be just in time for Christmas dinner.

Will: You just made my Christmas :)

I couldn't stand the thought of anyone spending Christmas alone. I'd been dying for Will and Cayden to meet, and what better way than over Christmas dinner?

"He'll be here before dinner!" I announced, and the whole car broke out in cheers. My family loved Will. He may as well have been my parents' adopted son and my siblings' adopted brother.

"I can't wait to meet him," Cayden said. He sounded genuinely excited.

Then I stopped and put myself in his shoes. What if I'd been in the car with Cayden's family and his ex-girlfriend text messaged him saying she was alone on Christmas. What if he invited his ex over for Christmas dinner and his whole family erupted with joy when she said yes and then they continued to sing her praise?

I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up.

257. Strip Tease

2012-01-24T01:07:00.000-06:00

It felt like a race to see who could finish their Cuban meal the fastest. Piles and piles of wrapped gifts were taunting us in the other room. The living room looked like Santa's workshop. I didn't even stop to consider that scarfing black beans might not have been the been the best idea my first night back in bed with Cayden.

"You know, Mom, one of these days you're going to have to stop buying us so many gifts," I said between bites of ropa vieja. "We're all adults now. We should all just get each other one gift and call it a day."

My sister Noelle shot me a death stare across the table. How dare I suggest that 27-year-old Noelle and her 37-year-old husband don't need piles of Christmas presents? Some days I was surprised she didn't pull her teeth out just to get a money from the tooth fairy.

"I'll stop buying you guys presents when I have grandkids to buy for," Mom answered.

Noelle rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm not having kids, so I'll still get presents, right?"

"Be careful what you wish for, Mom, or you're going to get grandkids from Corbin."

My little brother laughed and nodded from across the table. We were all thankful he'd made it to 21 without an knocking someone up. Not that he was a little man-whore or anything, but teenage boys are just flat-out stupid sometimes. As are teenage girls.

Cayden sat back and enjoyed our bickering. That's when I realized Cayden and I would probably be the ones to give my mom her first grandchild considering the fact that Noelle was anti-babies, Meg was contemplating a long-distance relationship with a guy in Colorado, and Corbin's most serious relationship at the time was between him and his iPod.

"You weren't kidding about this beer," Cayden said, inspecting his bottle of Shiner Holiday Cheer. "It's delicious. It almost tastes like a lighter version of Leffe."

I'd been raving about Cheer Beer for at least a month. While other people gain weight over the holidays from sweets and elaborate meals, I gain it from Cheer beer. And sweet and elaborate meals.

"It tastes like someone threw a Christmas party in my mouth," I said.

Cayden nodded, thoughtfully.

Our plates were clean, and after another round of drink refills, it was finally time to open presents. Cayden and I claimed one end of the couch closest to the Christmas tree while everyone else dispersed around the room, giving themselves plenty of space to tear open their presents without knocking elbows. I was excited to rip open the tall stack of gifts in front of me, but I was even more excited to watch Cayden open the gifts I'd given him. I handed him two rectangular gifts and one medium-sized box.

"Your gift is upstairs in my suitcase, so I'll give it to you when we go to bed," he said.

Yes, I'll admit, for a full three seconds my heart stopped while my mind wandered into the unknown. Why didn't he want to give me my gift right here in front of my family? I felt my heart kick back in and slam against my ribcage. Did he, perhaps, have a ring waiting for me upstairs? I realized I wasn't breathing. A ring to accompany a certain question?

I shook the idea from my head. I didn't want to think about that. I'd been trying not to think about it, but my Facebook newsfeed had been blowing up with pictures of engagement rings from friends I forgot I had. Every caption read, "Early Christmas gift. I said yes!"

I didn't want a ring for Christmas. I wanted Cayden for Christmas and he was sitting right in front of me. My breathing returned to normal.

When I came back to reality, I saw that everyone was tearing into their first round of gifts.

"Open this one first," I said, pointing to the mediu-sized box. I opened one of the gifts from my parents without looking. I kept my eyes on Cayden. He lifted the lid off the box and pulled the top layer of tissue paper out. Then he gently pulled out what was nestled on fluffy white paper inside. He dangled it carefully in front of him and looked closely.

"There may be an ocean between us..."

"but you're my whole world!"

"Did you make this?" he asked, peering through the clear glass ornament and running his finger along the puffy-paint outlined continents.

"Yeah, can't you tell?" I asked. "I accidentally painted the continents way too close together, hence the huge gap. That Atlantic Ocean is four times too big."

"It's perfect," he said with a big smile. "You're my world, too." He whispered the last part and kissed me on the cheek. I didn't even want to admit how many hours I'd spent perfecting the shape of North America. I took the ornament out of his hand and slid it on the tree branch closest to me. It stood out among the Precious Moment ornaments.

I looked down and saw that I'd just opened a box that had a very large, very heavy antique key inside. I had a thing for keys. I couldn't explain why, but there's something about decorative keys, clocks, birds and trees that caught my eye. If I could have an entire wall of keys, I would.

"OK, now that one." I pointed to the larger of the two other boxes. I looked around to make sure no one was watching us. When the coast was clear, I gave him the go ahead to open it.

He ripped the wrapping paper at the corner to reveal a picture frame. He looked at me curiously. Then he ripped across the center of the frame and his mouth hung open. He stared for a moment, then held the photo to his chest so hide it from anyone else's view.

"It's OK. They've all seen it."

He looked down at it again and shook his head.

"You always seem to find the perfect gifts, don't you?" he asked.

It was exactly the reaction I wanted. I'd had to muster up a lot of confidence to strip down for a boudoir photo shoot. The shoot took a full day, a lot of makeup and more than a few awkward poses, but seeing that look on his face was completely worth it.

"Now open the other one!" I was too excited to wait. I neglected my own presents as I watched him tear open the other one.

(Note: I almost didn't post these pictures on the blog because I thought they might be too... what's the word.... naked. So I apologize if these photos offended you in any way.)

"Wow," he said. "You look beautiful."

I felt my cheeks turn red.

"Didn't they turn out great?" Noelle asked from her end of the couch.

Cayden grinned and nodded. Noelle used to play for the Lingerie Football League. She's also a promotional model and a body paint model, so my racy photos looked conservative compared to most of hers. I'd had to call her before the photo shoot to get a pep talk from her. I practiced my "sexy face" in the mirror for an hour the night before, and apparently that's not one of those practice-makes-perfect kind of things. In more than half of my pictures, my "sexy face" looked more like my terrified, confused, or bored-to-death face. I had a new appreciation for models after that shoot.

By the end of the night, I had three decorative keys and two sets of locks to add to key collection. I also had a Criss Angel magic kit, every season of How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory on DVD, a pair of OU sweatpants, an OU garden gnome, a new quilt set for my bedroom, iPhone speakers, a few clothing items to add to my wardrobe. Aside from my gifts, Cayden got a few long-sleeved T-shirts, a dress shirt, gloves, and OU sweatpants that matched mine.

As I was getting ready for bed that night, Cayden gestured toward an awkwardly wrapped gift on my bed.

"That's for you, baby."

I sat down on the bed and prepared to open it. My heart rate and breathing stayed steady.

I ripped the wrapping paper off to reveal a navy blue Swarovski bag. I knew Swarovski meant jewelry.

I opened the bag and pulled out a navy blue box.

I pulled the cardboard casing off the sides of the box.

I took a deep breath and pulled the lid off.

What I saw literally took my breath away.

256. Reunited and it Feels So Good

2012-01-19T00:00:00.001-06:00

Twas the night before Christmas...

I drove to the airport with a smile plastered across my face. Almost three months had passed since my last trip to the airport and I was in much better spirits this time around. Every time I saw a plane in the sky on my drive there, I looked up wondering if Cayden was in there looking down. Just in case, I waved and blew a kiss.

I practically skipped into the airport, swinging my arms and singing "If you're happy and you know it" in my head. I would have jumped up on the luggage carousel and danced a jig if I didn't think airport security would tackle and detain me for my complete lack of rhythm. I felt like I was on cloud nine instead of carousel 14. The other people waiting at baggage claim seemed to have the same excited energy radiating from their anxiously bouncing feet.

I'd only been waiting two minutes when I saw Cayden on the other side of the glass revolving door. My heart skipped a beat and my breath got caught in my throat. And then I saw him walk past the door, scratching his head. I tried to wave my arms to get his attention, but he was out of my sight. The "Do Not Enter" sign over the door on my side started to look more like a dare than a warning. I took a step closer and considered the probability of getting tackled by security for the second time that day. Before I could make a run for the doors, Cayden reappeared on the other side of the glass. He caught my eye and we stood there smiling at each other for what seemed like a full minute before he unfroze and pushed his way through the revolving door.

I was in his arms in a matter of seconds. I'm not sure if he swung me around or if it was just my head spinning from excitement, but I was unsteady when he put me down.

Then he bent down and gave me that kiss he'd promised me. That was everything I wanted for Christmas. Anything else would be a bonus.

"Well, what do you know? We survived another three months apart," he said.

"I didn't think I was going to after that last goodbye," I said. "I can't handle many more of these."

"If all goes as planned, you won't have to."

As soon as we were in my car and behind closed doors, I yanked him close until his lips met mine. Then we made out like teenagers in the movie theater parking lot. Oh, to be young at heart.

There wasn't a silent moment on the drive back to my parents' house. He talked about his flight and his messed up sleep schedule and I talked about Friendsmas and NyQuil and whatever else I could think to talk about. After being apart for so long, it was just so nice to see his facial expressions and hear his voice so close to me. Webcams are brilliant tools, don't get me wrong, but they just can't recreate the feeling you get when you hear the person you love laugh about something you said and you can watch his eyes light up and feel him squeeze your hand at the same time. One day there will probably be an app for that.

255. Killing Time

2012-01-18T00:02:00.003-06:00

from: xxxxxwp@gmail.com (me)
to: xxxx911@hotmail.com (Cayden)
date: Wed, Dec 21, 2011 at 11:06 PM
subject: 2 days!! Good Morning, baby! Just two more days until you're here! I can't freakin wait. I'm feeling a little bit better, so I'm hoping to wake up tomorrow and feel 100%. That's the plan, at least. Watched the finale of American Horror Story tonight. You really need to download that and watch it on the plane! Well, some of it is a little graphic... so I guess it might not be appropriate to watch if there are any kiddos sitting near you. Just one more day of work and then tomorrow night is our Friend's Christmas. Well, I'm off to bed. Can't wait to fall asleep next to you so soon! Love you!

----

As usual, I was sick. I'd taken the past two days off work to try to get healthy before Cayden's visit. After my sinus surgery and tonsillectomy, I thought I would be unstoppable. I was wrong. I couldn't breathe. Anytime I breathed in, I coughed until I wheezed and then the wheezing made me cough. It was a vicious cycle. I couldn't even use my inhaler because I'd take one puff and cough it all out. I was using DayQuil, NyQuil, Mucinex Cough Expectorant and a full dose of positive thinking to fight it off. The cough had been accompanied by body aches and chills, but those symptoms had since faded. I assumed I was on the up and up. I refused to be sick during another one of his visits. Especially a Christmas visit.

I hit send on his "Good Morning" email and then went to bed. It always felt weird typing "Good Morning" at 11 pm. I only had to survive one more day of work before the long holiday weekend.

----

from: xxxx911@hotmail.com (Cayden)

to: xxxxxwp@gmail.com (me)

date: Thu, Dec 22, 2011 at 5:48 AM

subject: Re: 2 days!!

Good morning baby

I hope you're feeling much better this morning than you have been. Be great if you can be all healthy for when i'm there :)

Ah yes, just 2 days, the day after tomorrow. I can't wait. I've got a bit of a wind down period now. This morning has gone ok, going for lunch with everyone at the pub in about 10mins and then this afternoon i'll be wrapping my work up. Tomorrow we're having sausage rolls and mince pies in the office, then half day :)

Ok, off to pub now

Love you

----

I couldn't focus at work that Thursday. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up until it was time to go to the airport on Saturday. I was excited for our 'Friendsmas' that night (not unlike 'Friendsgiving... basically just a holiday celebration with close friends), but I was bummed Cayden wouldn't be there. It feels strange now when the whole group is together and Cayden's not there. He hadn't only become the missing part of me, he'd become the missing piece of my puzzle of friends.

I didn't have much to do to keep me busy at work because most of my clients live in Australia and they get 30 days off work for the holidays or something ridiculous like that. To keep from dozing off at my desk, I attempted to rewrite 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' with a social-media angle. I could consider that "work," right?

But then I saw that Cayden had signed onto Gchat.

Cayden: sooooo close

me: you're goingto be here so soon!

Cayden: i know

can't believe it's finally here

i want to keep looking up things on my trip but there's nothing else to look up haha

i've been looking it all up for the past 2 weeks

i know the terminals i'm flying from

i know where i'll probably fly from when I get to Detroit

it's pretty well planned out

i guess i should really wrap your present

but i'll do that tomorrow when i wake up

me: I have all of yours wrapped and ready for you

Cayden: really?

aren't you efficient

i can't wait to spend time with you again

i just want to give you a big hug

me: I just want you to give me a big kiss :)

Cayden: i will

i just want to be there

today was such a big hurdle

now i can relax

just sent you my flight details

me: thanks :)

Cayden: ah i feel so relaxed now

laundry drying

got what i needed to get

think i'm set

me: I'm trying to rewrite 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

for a blog post

Cayden: ah, a social media version?

me: Yeah, but it's going to take me forever.
I didn't realize how long this song is!

Cayden: yeah, that's a long one

wow it's only 9.45 here

i thought it was about 11pm

me: are you already sleepy?

Cayden: kinda

i may put a movie on

me: Truman show!!

American Horror Story!

Cayden: well i still have dexter to watch

so while i'm watching that, i'll try and download truman show

won't have time to get in to american horror story

topher and kate are having technology problems hahahaha

how funny is that?

i told him he would

me: haha, what kind of tech problems are they having now?

We've had em all!

Cayden: they're trying to skype and her skype on her phone isn't having it

they're going to wait til saturday when they're both at computers

me: ah, that sucks

Cayden: they seem to be in contact quite a lot

me: uh, I'll say!

Cayden: well that's good :)

well, there's no way i'll be staying up late tonight, i'm way too tired

so i'm going to get up early instead

and try and run

so i'm going to head to bed now

well baby, enjoy friendsmas tonight

wish i could be there

but i'll be there 1 day from tomorrow

can't wait to be able to say 'i'll see you tomorrow'

me: you're callingit a night already?

weak!

Cayden: well if i get up early, i'll still be tired

that's all i need, is to be tired so i can sleep in the afternoon

way too sleepy now though

me: oOK....

go to sleep

Cayden: i will

have fun tonight

me: will do

LOVE YOU!

Cayden: i wont call you at the normal time

as you'll be asleep

so i'll call you later

love you too baby

goodnight

----

And then I got back to my 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' remix. It was the most productive thing I did that day.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ‘Net

Not a person wasn’t tweeting about what he might get.

Their tweets mentioned iPads all shiny and new

In hopes that the big guy was on Twitter, too.

My laptop cord reached all the way to my bed

Where I planned on sleeping, browsed Pinterest instead.

My mamma would love those suede boots from the Gap

I repinned and tweeted then tried for a nap.

When over on Facebook there arose such a clatter

I switched from my Tweets tab to see what’s the matter

A lame pop-up window attacked me with Flash,

I was the 50^th visitor, I’d won lots of cash.

My pockets were empty, my bank account low,

“Just enter your birthday and weight down below.”

When, what to my wondering eyes did I see?

The clock on the wall, it read 3:23.

‘Twas no longer night, it was now Christmas day,

I’d logged on with purpose, with something to say,

I gave up my winnings of cash with a click,

And switched tabs to Facebook and tried to think quick.

Wow, Danny! Wow, Dougie! Wow Peggy and Reid.

Updates on their timelines showed up in my feed.

Danny got hired and Reid had a baby.

Dougie proposed and Peggy said maybe.

I liked. I commented. I shared with my friends.

I browsed through my photos from the past two weekends.

Then I changed my profile to the pic I liked most.

Wait, what was it I came on here to post?

Not pictures of dinner or what I had for lunch,

It was something so clever and packed with a punch.

And then I remembered. It came without warning.

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good morning.”

**

254. Whitney & Company

2012-01-16T22:54:00.000-06:00

Remember Topher? Cayden's best friend? He was with Cayden when we met way back when. I'd always joked with him about how I was going to set him up with a beautiful American girl so he, too, would have to suffer through a long-distance relationship. It's true what they say about misery loving company, you know. But I couldn't just hook him up with anyone. Topher isn't just another cute guy with a British accent. He's real. He's genuine. He's one of those people you meet and think, "why aren't there more men out there like you?"

When I found out I won the Cosmo Blog Award, Topher's the one who called me from his work phone so I had someone to freak out with. Cayden was on a plane and it was 4 am in Texas, so it wasn't like I could call one of my friends. He listened to me scream and hyperventilate and maybe even cry a little. And as soon as I'd shut up for a second, he told me how proud he was of me. He truly meant it.

Needless to say, I couldn't just set him up with anyone. It had to be someone who also gave off that genuine-good-person-vibe. I'm not trying to say that all of my friends aren't genuinely good people, because they are. But you know the type. I had to find someone with a positive outlook on life. Someone adorable. Someone who wouldn't take advantage of his nice-guy quality. Someone who truly cared about people as much as he did. Someone who was passionate about not only her career but also her hobbies.

I found her when I started my new job. Her name was Kate and she was tall with long, beautiful wavy red hair and a permanent smile on her face. Not one of those cheesy smiles, but one of those smiles that said, "The glass isn't half-full; it's overflowing." She was so adorable I wanted to put her in my pocket and take her everywhere with me. She was excited about life. My first week of work, we were at happy hour and she said, "Your boyfriend lives in London? Lucky! My 5-year plan is to move there. I'm in love with London."

"Want an adorable British boy to help move that plan along? I'll get you one!" I said it jokingly, as if I could stop by the Sexy Brit Supermarket and pick one out for a good price. She half-jokingly nodded. I made a mental note to hook them up, but the timing was all wrong. Topher had a crush on a British girl and Kate had just started talking to a guy she met at a bachelorette party (he wasn't AT the bachelorette party. He just happened to be at the same bar). "One day, I'll hook them up," I thought to myself. Even if nothing came of it, even if they just became penpals or ended up hating each other, I had the strangest urge to introduce them to each other.

"So, remember when I said I'd get you a cute Brit?" I asked her one day at work. She nodded eagerly.

I gestured to my computer screen where I had one of Topher's photos pulled up.

"Are you serious?" She asked. Her cheeks turned dark red in a matter of seconds. "He's beautiful. Who is that?"

"That's Topher. Cayden's best friend. I think you two should start talking. You know, just for kicks."

I hadn't even asked Topher if I could hook him up, but Cayden and I decided to move forward with our sneaky plan anyway. We gave Topher Kate's email address and then we waited. And waited. He didn't email her that day. Or the day after that. But the day after the day after that, Kate had an email from Topher waiting in her inbox.

She replied.

He replied.

She replied.

He replied.

They talked about their career aspirations. Their dreams. Their families. Religion. London. Texas. Uni. Movies. Everything under the sun. It was like I'd just found two long-lost best friends and reunited them and they had to catch up on everything they'd missed.

It felt familier. Very familiar. The look on her face when she'd tell me about the emails, the way her eyes lit up, the way she blushed at the mention of his name. She was me two and a half years ago. She was me when I met Cayden.

"I just can't explain it," Topher said to me a few weeks later. "I feel like I've known her for years. She's so easy to talk to. I truly enjoy chatting with her."

Emails turned into text messages turned into Skype dates turned into phone calls. Topher was staying up until 3 and 4 am to talk to her. Kate admitted to waking up in the middle of the night and checking her phone for an email from him. To this day, I still do the exact same thing. I even check my phone for emails from Cayden when he's here. In my bed.

"So, don't tell Kate," Cayden said. "But Topher bought her a Christmas card. I'm bringing it when I come down next week."

"So, I'm thinking about giving Cayden something cheesy to bring back to Topher," Kate said the next day. "You know, something lame like a jar of Texas dirt or something random like that."

"I don't know how you do this," Kate said. "I just want to hang out with him. But he's 5,000 miles away!"

Misery loves company. I had company.

253. The Final Countdown

2012-01-11T23:47:00.001-06:00

Thanksgiving came and went, and I was finally allowed to listen to Christmas music without feeling bad for Thanksgiving. Yes, I was one of those people who started listening to Christmas music as soon as I took off my Halloween costume. Considering how much time and effort goes into finding the perfect gift for all of your favorite people and decorating the house and putting up the tree and planning holiday parties, I think Christmas should be celebrated for a full two months. At least.

Speaking of finding the perfect gift, I was stumped about what to get Cayden. The problem was, with him living so far away and having to limit what he could fit in his suitcase, I couldn't just get him the usual Christmas presents other girlfriends can defer to when it comes to boyfriend gifts. I couldn't buy him DVDs unless I bought the UK version and had them shipped to me for a pretty penny. But what was the point of buying him UK DVDs if he was going to move here eventually? I couldn't buy him nice sweaters or a nice jacket because they're too bulky to travel with. I'd already given him a bunch of Dallas sports merchandise, so another Mavericks shirt was out of the question.

I was stumped. I Googled every form of "long-distance gift idea" and "boyfriend gift idea" and "gifts for men" combination I could think of, which is how I ended up creating the 2011 Long-Distance Relationship His and Hers Gift Guide. I finally had something to work with.

While little kids across the country were counting down the days to Christmas, I was counting down the days to Cayden's next visit. I wanted the days to fly, but at the same time, I didn't want the Christmas season to end. I hated how after Christmas all of the decorations and Christmas music seemed stale and out of place. I was psyched that Cayden would get to come over for 10 days, but I wished it were the 10 days leading up to and including Christmas. At the same time, I wanted him to be here for New Year's. And St. Paddy's Day. And Martin Luther King Jr. Day and President's day for that matter. One day, we'd have that luxury. Until then, we'd just have to take what we could get.

I needed something to keep me busy and in the holiday spirit until he got there. Lucky, that "something" came in the form of the office Christmas party. While other companies celebrated the holidays with eggnog and a gift exchange, my company hosted the Christmas Olympics. Literally. Events included Cubicle Decorating, Christmas Skit, Christmas Song, Bake-Off, Scene-it Competition and a Texas Hold 'em Tournament. We were split into two teams: Team Jobs and Team Zuckerberg. I was on Team Zuckerberg, and I was going to win.

I started decorating my cubicle a week and a half before the party. We had to chose a theme, so after toying with the idea of "Nightmare Before Christmas" and "Griswold Christmas," I finally landed on a sure-fire winner: A White Trash Christmas. I gathered inspiration from the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia (If you haven't seen that, DO IT), and I went to town.

I started with a classy, redneck fireplace.

Then I added some wall art, including a wreath made out of toilet paper, beer and bean cans.

Then I put up some pictures of the family.

Brought this Build-a-Bear I like to call Joe Bob.

Then I made this handy snowglobe. (And yes, that's Nascar wrapping paper in the background)

Next, it was time to put up the tree.

Oh, and don't forget about the mistletoe!

Last but not least, I traded in my comfy computer chair for a lawn chair. It was the icing on the cake.

When I was happy with my trashtastic cubical decoration, I got right to work on the group skit. During a meeting, we'd designated people to lead the different events and I called dibs on the skit before anyone else could. I had a brilliant idea. Intervention: Rudolph has a Coke problem. Coke-a-cola, of course. The fizz burns his nose, hence why it's always red.

My coworker, Tina, was in charge of organizing and planning the Christmas Song portion of the competition. She had a great idea to do a mashup of the Carol of the Bells and the Chipmunks Christmas Song (Christmas Don't be Late) complete with helium-infused voices. But then we caught wind that Team Jobs had a similar idea, so it we needed a last-minute plan of attack.

"What if we rap?" I said. "I can rewrite the lyrics to 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' and then we can trick them. We'll start with the Chipmunk song, and then we'll all scream 'REMIX' and break out in a rap."

Everyone gave me the thumbs up and I got to work. After rewriting the lyrics, I decided to do a mashup with a few different Christmas songs.

Here's the final script:

[Everyone stands in rows as if they're in a choir. Cup your hands in front of you, choir style. Start singing the Chipmunk song in high-pitched voices.]

Christmas, Christmas time is near. Time for toys and time for cheer....

[All the guys scream "REMIX!" Then 'Santa' busts through the choir and and everyone else sways like ganstas]

[Santa]

Now this is a story all about how

my wife turned my world upside down

I'd like to take a minute just sit right here [pats knee]

I'll tell you how I became the man on the sled with nine deer

[Everyone sings: You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen...]

[Santa]

In west North Pole metroplex, born and raised

at the Toys R Us is where I spent most of my days

It's chilly out, windy out, colder than cool

no, that's no an icicle, it's only drool

[Everyone sings: Baby, it's cold outside...]

[Santa]

When a couple of flies, they got caught in my hood

the buzzing in my eardrums almost sounded good

dropped a beat, wrote it down with utmost joy

and thought, "Hm, I think I'll call this 'Little Drummer Boy.'"

[Everyone sings: ba-rum-bum-bum-bum...]

[Santa]

I whistled at this chick when she came near

Her T-shirt said "Guess" and she had "Juicy" on her rear,

If anything I could say this chick was rare

But I thought, nah, forget it, "You ho, stop right there!"

[Everyone sings: Here comes Santa Claus. Here comes Santa Clause. Right down Santa Claus lane...]

[Santa]

She told me not to yell and then asked for a date

and I yelled to the lady, "Can't wait! See you later!"

Looking up at this woman, it was finally clear,

she would be the mother to my flying reindeer.

[Everyone sings: We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!...]

For the Bake-Off portion of the Christmas Olympics, I decided to make Oreo Cookie Truffles, a recipe I found on Pinterest. Only three ingredients: a bag of Oreos, cream cheese and white-chocolate. Joey had made them for his office party earlier that week and they were to die for.

It's safe to say that training for the Christmas Olympics helped keep my mind off the fact that Cayden wasn't here yet. Instead of missing Cayden, I dedicated my time to making sure Team Zuckerberg crushed the competition.

The Christmas party took place on Dec. 16, a week and a half before Cayden came back. The party kicked off with a staff-wide lunch at Margarita Ranch. Yes, margaritas were involved. Sadly, Team Zuckerberg lost to Team Jobs in the Texas Hold em and Scene It competitions. (I blame said margaritas and the following Vodka Tonics.) But my sexual frustration and dedication to winning paid off in the end. My Oreo Cookie Truffles won the Bake Off. My White Trash cubicle won the Desk Decoration Contest. Our Rudolph-Coke-Intervention skit beat Team Jobs. And, although the coworker who played Santa was so drunk she couldn't read the lyrics, we managed to pull out a win in the Christmas song category. Team Zuckerberg won the gold. Our prize? An extra day off work. Unlike the actual Olympics, both teams ended up winning the same prize, which pissed me off more than it should have. But an extra day off work meant an extra day with Cayden, and that was all that mattered to me.

252. Couples Costume

2012-01-09T21:58:00.001-06:00

Every year, I looked forward to my sister's Halloween party. But this year, I was dreading it. I assumed everyone would be in couples costumes and I'd be the odd man out. I even thought about just going as a Third Wheel but I wasn't sure where to find an old wooden wheel or how to fashion it into a costume. Then I decided to just embrace my solo costume and find something awesome. I racked my mind for a creative idea, one that people would see and think, "Holy shit, that's good!"

I had the right haircut and ethnicity to go as Dora the Explorer, but I'd toyed with that idea the year before and I was unsuccessful in finding orange shorts. I needed something better. I tried to brainstorm social media-themed costumes but decided the Twitter Fail Whale would make my ass look fat. Then I moved onto movie ideas. My all-time favorite movie of the year was Bridesmaids. If I could get my hands on a wedding dress, I could just attach fake poop to the back and go as Mya Rudolph's character when she shits in the street. Unfortunately, I didn't have a spare wedding dress laying around.

Then it hit me. I'd go as Megan from Bridesmaids. My favorite character.

I didn't just look the part. I played the part. No, I didn't shit in a sink or burp-fart in a bridal boutique, but I had every line memorized. And more than once at the party, I heard, "Holy shit. That's good!" I even won the custom contest at work. If Cayden had been there, I would have made him go as Not Air Marshall John. We would have been quite a pair. Joey dressed as Superman. Joyce dressed as Robin Sparkles from How I Met Your Mother. Rae wore a giant QR code on her front and back and when you scanned them, a picture of someone dressed in a penguin costume showed up. Front and back. We were the only ones at the party wearing clothes. Everyone else went as a skanky [insert any animal or profession] or just a skank. I even saw a skanky skunk.

The weekend of Halloween, my couples costume wish came true. Joyce and I found the sweetest costumes at my parents' house. Literally.

We were the cutest candy canes at the party.

The best part about growing up is acting like a kid again.

251. The Dog Days of Fall

2012-01-08T20:45:00.000-06:00

Just as it did after every airport goodbye, life went on. Saying goodbye wasn't the end of the world, although it felt like it. It was almost like very time he left felt like another earth-shattering break up. But I didn't fall into a black hole and disappear off the face of the Earth. I woke up the next morning with puffy eyes and no warm body in the bed next to me, but the sun was rising. It was a new day. One day closer to his next visit.

Summer tried to turn into fall. And by that I mean the temperature dropped from the 100s to the 80s. Every now and then I'd have flashbacks to the fall seasons of my childhood in St. Louis. The leaves on the trees would change to bright yellows, oranges, and pinks seemingly overnight. Then they'd free themselves from the restricting branch and dance to the ground in a zig-zag motion, turning the ground into a painter's pallet. I remembered how my parents would turn the tedious task of raking the yard into a fun Saturday activity with me and my siblings. Dad would rake the Crayola-colored leaves into huge piles, and then we'd take turns jumping into the middle of them. We loved hearing the leaves crunch beneath us. Then we'd scoop up as many leaves as we could fit in our wiry, little-kid arms and stuff them into giant bags that looked like oversized Jack o Lanterns. That memory felt like a Willy Wonka Wonderland compared to Texas's green, dark green, light brown, and poop-brown tree leaves that clung to the branches for dear life, determined to stay in place until at least December. I tried to picture what fall was like in England. Every cell in my body urged me to jump on a plane to London and take a three-month sabbatical. Anything to cheer me up.

The weekend before Halloween, Joyce and Joey took a weekend trip to Oklahoma City for Joyce's best friend's wedding. I stayed home to dog sit Axle. That same weekend, Chaz and Rae had weekend plans, as did Carson and Geoffrey. It was just Axle and me for the weekend. I considered driving to Keller to spend the weekend with my family, but instead decided to spend the weekend lounging around, catching up on my TV shows and talking to Cayden on the webcam. Friday night, I opened a bottle of red wine and I never left the couch. I watched Private Practice, Rules of Engagement, Modern Family, and Jersey Shore, followed by at least 10 episodes of the Big Bang Theory. Axle kept me company, resting his head on my lap and nudging me every 30 minutes for attention. He was a sweet dog, but I wanted to be spending the weekend with Cayden instead.

It killed me that I couldn't just call him. I would have been fine if I could have just talked to Cayden on the webcam all night, but he was fast asleep 5,000 miles away. I sent him a quick email and headed to bed.

To: xxxx911@gmail.com

From: xxxxxxwp@gmail.com

Date: Fri, Oct 21, 2011 at 11:47 PM

subject: I looooooove you

Hey baby,

I'm just off to bed after a really lazy night of watching my shows. It's just me and Axle this weekend, so I'm missing you like crazy. I just wanted to spend the evening with you. I almost killed an entire bottle of wine. My bad. Sleep time.

Love you sooooo much.

I let Axle sleep in my bed that night. I tossed and turned all night. The bed was too hot. My pillow was flat. Axle was hogging the covers. I grew more and more frustrated; not just frustrated that I couldn't sleep, but frustrated that I was alone, frustrated that all of my friends were with their boyfriends or girlfriends, frustrated with my entire situation. I checked my phone every time I woke up to see if I'd gotten my Good Morning email from Cayden yet. Eventually, I dozed off and woke up feeling groggy and drained. I saw the email notification, and I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face. I absolutely loved my Good Morning emails.

To: xxxxxxwp@gmail.com

From: xxxx911@gmail.com

Date: Sat, Oct 22, 2011 at 8:47 AM

subject: re: I looooooove you

Good morning baby

I love you sooooooo much too.

Sounds like you had a really chilled out night last night. Wish I was there doing that with you. Was Rules Of Engagement good? Excited to see that :)

We're just having coffee then heading to the thanksgiving place. Went to a BBQ place for lunch which was goood.

I'll call you a bit later on

Love you lots and lots

My smile disappeared just as fast as it spread. I completely forgot he had plans to celebrate Thanksgiving with one of his Canadian friends. That meant I wouldn't get to talk to him until late afternoon. So much for my plans to sit around on the webcam with him all weekend. I poured myself a bowl of cereal and climbed back in bed with my laptop. A little online shopping would cheer me up. I went to amiclubwear.com and clicked through hundreds of boots, booties and dresses to try to weed out the slutty options from the acceptable options. About 80 percent of that site is stripper clothes, but if you search long and hard, you can find a few gems. Two hours later I'd purchased four pair of boots and a cardigan for only $99 with shipping. I felt like I'd defeated the shopping gods.

I should have gone to the gym. I should have cleaned my room or reorganized my closet. I should have driven to Keller. Instead, I took Axle for a quick walk and then reclaimed my spot on the couch, sans wine. I watched another Big Bang Theory marathon and then sent a few texts out to a few other people, desperate for someone to hang out with. I couldn't spend another night on the couch. Shanna had plans with a coworker. My sister Noelle was going to a going away party. My sister Meg was in Austin for the weekend. Emory had a date planned with Jennifer. Every time someone responded saying they had plans, my mood worsened. I felt like the biggest loser on the face of the planet.

I dialed Cayden's number hoping he could cheer me up.

"Hey, baby!" he said when he picked up. I heard a lot of people talking and clinking glasses in the background.

"I'm so sorry to interrupt your Thanksgiving. Are you in the middle of dinner?"

"No, we're all just hanging out. Let me step away for a minute."

The background noise faded and soon enough it was just me and Cayden. I broke down. I bawled.

"I just miss you so much." [sniff] "And it's not fair. This isn't fair." [sob] "Everyone has plans tonight and I'm going to get stuck on the couch again doing nothing." [hiccup]

"Oh, baby," he said. "Please don't cry. I'm so sorry. I hate knowing you're upset. I wish I could jump on a plane and be there with you."

"I wish that, too."

"Did you call Shanna? Is she doing anything tonight?"

He ran down the list of all my friends and I cried and hiccuped as I told him each of their plans. When he'd exhausted my list of friends, he asked why I didn't just go to Keller.

"I might. But I have Axle and there are already four dogs at mom's."

I had an excuse for everything.

He comforted me for another few minutes and then I promised him I'd be OK. I wanted him to enjoy his Thanksgiving dinner, and I didn't want his friends knowing his lame girlfriend had just called him to cry about being a loser. He told me he loved me and wished he could be there, and then we hung up.

I got dressed and jumped in my car. Axle rode shotgun. We drove to Keller, which is what I should have done the night before. I felt so much better just walking through my parents' front door. I was no longer alone. I had my parents and five dogs to make me feel at home. It was the best I'd felt since Cayden left.

"Hey, can you meet us in the garage?" Joyce said on the phone the next day. I was back at our house, and they were just returning from their weekend away. "Joey bought something in Oklahoma and we need help carrying it in."

Was it a big flatscreen TV for the mancave? A kegerator?

I stepped outside and saw them standing outside his car waiting for me.

"Well? What is it?"

There was nothing in their hands I didn't see any oversized boxes in the backseat. Then I felt something lick my ankle and I looked down. It was the cutest, tiniest, most adorable puppy I'd ever seen. I fell in love.

Meet Tank.

250. Until Next Time

2012-01-05T20:48:00.000-06:00

As soon as I parked at the airport, I wanted to throw my car in reverse and speed away. I was half tempted to lock the doors and hold him hostage. If he couldn't get out of the car, he couldn't get on the plane and he couldn't leave me. I took my keys out of the ignition and let them drop in my lap.

"I don't want to do this," I said.

Cayden leaned across the middle console and put his arm around me.

"I know you don't, baby," he said while rubbing his hand up and down my arm. "I don't want to get on that plane any more than you want to let me."

We'd done the airport goodbye so many times, you'd think we'd be good at it by now. The last time we said goodbye three months before, I'd managed to do it without shedding a tear. I'd walked out of the airport with a smile on my face and an optimistic feeling about the future. But this time was different.

"We can do this," Cayden said. I shrugged, picked up my keys and swung my door open. I didn't let me feet touch the floor just yet. I knew if they touched the floor, we'd be on our way to the terminal. On our way to let go until Christmas.

Cayden stepped out of the car and yanked his oversized duffle bag out of my trunk. His next task was to yank me out of the front seat. I wasn't going to make it easy. I knew I was acting like a 5-year-old, but I felt like pouting. I would have thrown myself on the ground in a full-blown temper tantrum, flailing arms and hiccups and everything, but that meant getting out of the car. Part of me wished he'd just give me a kiss, shut the door and walk away. Rip the band aid off.

He held his hand out to me like a prince in a Disney movie. I stared at it for a while, then I begrudgingly flopped my limp hand in his, very unlike a Disney princess. With one swift yank, I was out of the car and trying to steady myself on two feet. He closed my car door behind me and slipped my keys into my pocket. With his backpack and duffle over his shoulder, he pulled a strong arm around me, kissed the top of my head, and led me toward the terminal doors.

I stayed quiet while we stood in line to check his bag. I knew if I tried to talk, I'd end up bawling.

"So, Austin was fun," Cayden said, trying to spark a conversation.

I nodded.

"And Shanna's wedding. And kickball. And your birthday..."

I nodded again. He was right. I'd had a blast with him. I always had a blast with him, and now I was going to have to wait until Christmas to have a blast again.

While Cayden poked away at the touchscreen bag-check kiosk, I closed my eyes and tried to meditate. Keep calm and carry on, right? With each breath, I felt the lump in my throat rise and fall. I would cry. I wouldn't cry. I would cry. I wouldn't cry. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

"Ready?" I heard Cayden say. I wasn't ready to open my eyes. Wasn't ready to say goodbye. Wasn't ready to watch him walk through the security check and disappear beyond the gate.

"Ready," I lied.

He held my hand tightly while we walked slowly to the security line.

"Just a little less than three months," he said. "And I'll be back." He had his hands on my shoulders, like a coach does when he's giving one of his players a pep talk.

"I know, I know," I said. I looked away from him when I felt hot tears teeter edge their way along my bottom eyelids.

"It will be Christmas before we know it!" His enthusiasm made me lift my eyes to his. I loves seeing his excited face.

"But first there's Halloween," I said. The lump rose. "Everyone will be in couples costumes. I'll be solo. I'll be solo at all the parties."

Hot tears rolled down my face. I didn't even try to wipe them away.

"And then there's Thanksgiving. The whole family will be together and it won't be the same without you there." My voice wavered and my throat was so tight I almost couldn't get the last few words out. Cayden tried to wipe my tears, but quickly realized it wouldn't stop them.

"And then all of the Christmas parties. Yeah, you'll be here for Christmas, but what about all of the parties beforehand?" I tried to take a deep breath but hiccuped part way through. "The mistletoe. The Christmas music..."

People were looking at me. I could feel their eyes on me.

"I know, I know," he said. "It kills me, too, that I can't be here for those. But at least I'll be here for Christmas. We'll wake up next to each other on Christmas morning. We'll kiss at midnight on New Years Eve. Midnight in the UK and midnight in Texas."

He pulled me in for a hug and I put my hands in his shirt to get closer. I cried into his shirt and hugged him closer. I knew I was making this goodbye harder than it needed to be, but I couldn't help myself. I was just so sick of the distance. So sick of waiting. Sick of missing him. Sick of being without him.

He finally pulled away and I tried not to fight him.

"Have a safe flight," I blubbered.

"Please don't cry. We'll get through this. We always do."

"I'll be OK. Now go catch your flight. See you at Christmas."

After a final exchange of "I love yous" we kissed one more time and I turned for the door. I didn't look back. I stomped out to the car and slammed my door shut. I turned up my music and rolled down the windows. The warm breeze dried my tears as fast as they left my eyes. I had to lock it up before I got back to work. I planned on burying myself in work when I got back to the office so I wouldn't have time to think about the fact that I'd be going home alone that night.

Ten minutes away from the office, I'd finally composed myself. I could take a full breath without my chin quivering and aside from my bloodshot eyes, you could barely tell I'd been crying.

Then my phone rang.

"Hello?" I said, hoping it was Cayden and he was telling me his flight was canceled and there wasn't another flight out until next year.

"Just checking on you, baby."

His voice opened the floodgates once again.

"I'll email you instead," he said when he couldn't understand me through the tears.

---

From: XXXX911@hotmail.com (Cayden)
To: XXXXXXwp@gmail.com (Whitney)
Date: Mon, Oct 3, 2011 at 12:33 PM
Subject: I MISS YOU ALREADY

Hey baby

Sorry you ended up crying on the phone. I'm really struggling in the departure lounge. I have to keep looking up at the ceiling to try and lock it up. This is by far the most difficult goodbye i've said to you. I'm so glad there are only 2 more to go like this.

I've had the most amazing week ever. It really felt like I live in Dallas and I can't wait for it to be forever now. I want to spend every day with you.

Ok well I'm going to try and walk around a little and try to lock this shit up because I'm still almost crying. I'm half tempted to go to the bathroom, lock myself in a cubicle and just cry my eyes out but I'm afraid I'll sound like Marshall when he is in Forgetting Sarah Marshall haha.

I'll try and call quickly at Chicago if I have time but if not, I'll email when I get back in London and I'll try and call you tomorrow morning if I manage to get my phone charged up.

I love you sooooooo much. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

----

From:

XXXXXXwp@gmail.com (Whitney)

To:

XXXX911@hotmail.com (Cayden)

Date: Mon, Oct 3, 2011 at 12:43 PM
Subject: RE: I MISS YOU ALREADY

Big, bad Cayden almost cried? Never! Haha, its nice to know you're human, just like me. I had finally locked it up and then you called and I got all cry-y all over again. Punk. They aren't sad tears though. They're frustrated tears. I can't wait for our future. But right now I can't wait until December. I love you :)

249. Sightseeing

2012-01-04T21:32:00.001-06:00

Our weekend in Austin ended all too soon. It felt like we'd just gotten there as we packed up the car that Sunday morning to head back to Dallas. It was one of the first times I'd left Austin without a raging hangover.

"Can we take a detour on our way out?" I asked. "You guys need to see the rest of Austin."

South Congress was beautiful in its own way, as was downtown, but my favorite parts of Austin were a few miles away from downtown: the hills, the lakes, the country roads dipping and peaking along the cliffs. The sun was shining, and we were in no hurry to get back.

"Let's do it," Joey said. Cayden and I jumped in Joyce's car with her and Joey, while Rae and Chaz followed behind in Rae's car.

My old college roommate, Ann, lived off Bee Caves on the northwest side of Austin, and every time I drove to her house I got lost in the beauty of it all. I'd forget to pay attention to the speed limit and I'd cruise along the bend with my windows down and my music up. I'd pass sweaty bodies on their bikes, huffing and puffing as they pushed their way up the steep hills. I'd look away because their exhaustion interfered with the carefree spirit I felt on the road.

The drive to Bee Caves was a half an hour out of our way and would add an extra hour to our three and a half hour drive home, but I promised it would be worth it. Ann had to work that morning, but I wanted her to meet Cayden so I decided to make a pit stop at the mall where she worked.

"You're right," Cayden said as he peered over my shoulder and out the window. "This part of Austin looks completely different."

"Just wait until we get to the top of this hill. As the road curves you can see all of these beautiful, huge houses all along the cliff. It looks like they're built right into the rocks. And then you look down and it's all lake. It's beautiful."

"You weren't kidding," Joey said as we crept closer to the top of the hill. "That house is massive!"

We were all quiet for a moment as we stared at the million-dollar homes surrounded by nothing but sky and trees. Some of them were Spanish-style, with orange walls and clay roofs. Others looked more Mediterranean, as their white stucco stood out against the blue sky.

Cayden leaned in to kiss me and caught me off guard. I'd turned to point out a house to him and ended up running into his lips with my nose. We laughed at the awkwardness of it.

"Don't leave tomorrow," I whispered against his ear. "Let's just stay right here. We can move to this cliff. I'll build a house out of cardboard and we'll wear our Toms until our toes bust through the tops."

He squeezed my hand and shook his head. His face changed while he looked out the window. What I'd said had gotten to him. He'd just realized it was our last day together. There was no way around the fact that he was getting on a plane back to London in less than 24 hours.

After 30 minutes of country road, we pulled into the parking lot of the outdoor mall Ann worked at.

"We'll just run in and say hi, then we'll be right out," I said to Joyce and Joey. They stayed in the car with the dog while Cayden and I ran inside to find Ann. She had no idea we were coming.

"There she is," I said, spotting her near a rack where she was hanging earrings. Cayden followed me as we snuck up behind her. I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned abruptly.

"Can I help--" she started to say. Then a look of familiarity and confusion washed over her face in a matter of seconds.

"Surprise!" I said, pulling her in for a hug.

"What are you doing here?" She asked when she pulled away. Then her eyes went right to the tall man behind me.

"Let me guess," she said. "This is Cayden."

Cayden reached out to shake her hand. Ann had met every guy I'd been with in college, and now she was meeting the last one I'd ever date. We'd spent many nights staying up late talking about our future husbands while drinking margaritas. Never once had I imagined I'd end up with someone like Cayden. Someone who could put up with my sarcastic remarks. Someone who could make me believe in love and fairytales. Someone who could inspire me to write.

"Yes," I said. "This is Cayden. The one you've heard so much about."

Merry Christmas Eve!

2011-12-24T16:28:00.004-06:00

I planned on getting the blog caught up on Cayden's last visit before his next visit, but he's landing in about an hour and a half, so it's safe to say that's not going to happen. Apologies! I'll finish the story, but if you want to cliff notes version, here goes: Austin was awesome. Spent Sunday night at my parents house. Took him to the airport Monday and bawled my freakin eyes out. I didn't even kinda lock it up like I did last night. I ugly cried.

That was two and a half months ago. I spent Halloween and Thanksgiving without him (not without a few tear-filled phone calls), but now I get him back for Christmas. I couldn't be more excited! I can't wait to tell you what I got him for Christmas. He'll be here until January 3rd, so I'll get my New Year's kiss once again this year. I feel so blessed.
I hope all of you get to spend the holidays with the people you love most. For those of you who don't, my heart goes out to you. I truly feel for you.

Well, I need to go touch up my make up and perfect my curls before I head out to the airport. I'll be tweeting during his visit (@whitforbrit), but I probably won't be blogging until he leaves. So until 2012... have a Merry freakin' Christmas and a Happy New Year! Love y'all!

248. West Side Stories

2011-12-24T16:11:00.001-06:00

"It's safe to say we missed the bats," I said as crowds of people walked past us with blankets and cameras and lawn chairs. We'd decided to grab drinks on the patio at Hotel San Jose before walking down to the bridge. The weather was perfect, the sangria was to die for and the greenery made us feel like we'd found the secret garden. We'd planned on walking to the bridge to see the bats by dusk, but we couldn't abandon sangria pitchers until we'd sucked the juice out of every last piece of fruit.

"Let's keep going," Chaz said. "It's supposed to take a while for all of the bats to come out, right?"

"Worth a shot," I said. Every night from March through October, hundreds of thousands of bats fly out from under the Congress Street bridge around dusk. I'd heard a lot of my friends talk about the bats, but I'd never seen them for myself.

More and more people walked past us talking about how incredible it was. I felt like we'd just missed the finale of a fireworks show. We kept walking anyway. We followed the sidewalk away from the highway and down into a park. Once there, we saw groups of people on picnic blankets or sitting cross-legged in the grass. They were all still looking up.

"What are they looking at?" Rae asked as we all craned our necks to follow their gaze. We were under the bridge and we could see the silhouettes of people along the bridge looking down. We looked closer. I was stumped.

"I see them!" Joyce said, pointing up. I looked again and tried to focus on different areas to make them appear, like a Magic Eye. Finally, when I looked past the silhouettes and into the night sky, I saw thousands of black specs pouring out of the bridge.

"That's incredible," Cayden said. We stood there silently with our heads tilted back for a few minutes. A hundred questions ran through my head while we stood there: Where were the bats going? When were they coming back? Are we all going to get shit on? Do people gather to watch them come back? I didn't ask any of them out loud because we were listening to the whisper of the bats wings flapping overhead.

"Who's hungry?" Joey asked after a long pause. We had all hit out bat-watching limit. The ribs had been in the oven for six hours so the meat was sure to fall right off the bone.

"Sign me up," I said.

Cayden slid his hand in mine. We swung our arms between us like little kids while we walked.

Dinner was just as delicious as we'd expected. The ribs were the perfect mixture of tender and crispy. The mashed potatoes were buttery. The creamed corn was creamy. After dinner, the guys hung out in the living room drinking beer and watching sports while the girls gathered around the one floor-length mirror in the front bedroom with our makeup bags, curling sticks and straighteners. An hour later, we emerged looking like new women.

"Wow," Cayden said when I sat down next to him. It was amazing how beautiful he could make me feel with that one little word. But it wasn't just the word that did it. It was the way he looked at me when he said it.

Mitch and Vanessa came over and we all piled into two cars to head downtown. I leaned against Cayden in the back seat of Vanessa's car as we drove through the busy streets of Austin. We snuck kisses when no on was looking.

Ten minutes later we parked and walked down West Sixth. Just like the Dirty Sixth, West Sixth was lined with bars on both sides. But unlike the Dirty Sixth, I didn't see any college boys stumbling in the street or girls in heels crying on the curb. Vanessa and Mitch led us to Key Bar, where there were enough seats left on the patio for all eight of us to sit and enjoy the fresh air. A friendly waitress brought our drinks in record time and checked on us every time our glasses got low. The music was just low enough for us to have conversations without shouting and lip reading. I was officially a part of the "older scene" and I loved it.

247. Good Morning

2011-12-21T18:42:00.001-06:00

"Hey, you guys aren't having sex right now, are you?"

Cayden and I froze mid-thrust when we heard Rae's voice just outside our door. We were, in fact, having sex. It was Saturday morning, and Cayden and I both have a tendency of waking up horny.

"Shhh... don't move," I whispered over my shoulder to Cayden. The angle was just right, and I was afraid if he moved even an inch we'd lose it. Our momentum was already shot.

"Oh... uhh... wow, I was just kidding, but you totally are having sex," Rae realized. "Awkward. Sorry!"

Cayden and I laughed from our frozen position, me on my knees and forearms, him on his knees behind me.

"No worries!" I said.

"Well, I know you're busy, but we're all going to run out to get coffee. Do you guys want anything?" I could tell she was blushing on the other side of the door.

"Umm, I'll take a latte. Skim milk. Two Splenda!" I found it rather amusing that I was giving my coffee order while Cayden was in between my legs.

"Black coffee for me, please!" Cayden called out, holding onto my hips for balance.

"Got it!" Rae said.

As soon as we heard the voices fade and the front door slam shut, we picked up where we left off, only the mood had changed. What started as passionate, aggressive morning sex had turned into playful, humorous morning sex, where neither of us could stop laughing. We were so busted.

"That was priceless," Cayden said afterward, lying on his back, both panting and laughing.

"Priceless and impressive! You froze like a statue. A very pornographic statue, might I add." I tried to imagine what it would have looked like if Rae had walked in on us. I don't think we would have been able to look each other in the eye the rest of the weekend. I was proud to say that I was 26 and had never been caught in the act before.

"Get over here," he said, pulling me on top of him. For a second I thought he was ready for round two, which would have been amusing because my legs were still shaking from round one. But instead he just cupped my face in his hands and looked down at me.

"You're so beautiful," he said.

You know you found a keeper when he thinks you're beautiful first thing in the morning.

----

They didn't come back with my latte. Instead they brought back something called an Iced Turbo from Jo's Coffee, the walk-up cafe around the corner from our rental house. It was the second best part of my morning, just behind the wake-up sex. It was the most delicious coffee I'd ever tasted. If I could wake up to Cayden and an Iced Turbo every every day, my life would be complete. Well, I guess just Cayden would do.

We spent the afternoon walking up and down South Congress, stopping in vintage shops, over-priced clothing stores and a costume shop with the biggest variety of wigs and top hats I'd ever seen. When we walked into Uncommon Objects, I knew I was in trouble. I could spend days going through other people's junk drawers. I remembered my younger sister saying Uncommon Objects was like "going through Grandma's attic." She was right. There were stacks of old black and white photos of various families, vintage spoons, miniature tea sets, costumes that looked like they were from the Revolutionary War, dolls with no hair, old typewriters, pretty much anything you can think of.

"I don't get it," Cayden said, picking up different font faces for a letterpress. "I don't understand stores like these. What is all this stuff?"

"Ah, I love it," I said, running my finger along a shelf of oddly shaped shot glasses. "Sure, it looks like 'stuff,' but all of this came from somewhere, from someone. Doesn't it make you curious?"

"Not really."

Agree to disagree. I don't know why I was so intrigued by such random items, but I wanted to know their story, where they came from. When my grandmother passed away, my mom cleaned out their house and brought back a huge box of old letters my grandfather had written to his mom when he was in WWII. I sat on the couch one night and read a huge stack of them, carefully opening each one as if the fragile paper would crumble in my hands. His cursive handwriting was so beautiful, yet hard to read. I made me sad to realize my grandkids would never see my handwriting. I don't even remember what it looks like anymore.

"I won't be offended if you want to move on to the next shop," I said. "I'll catch up."

Cayden joined the other guys outside while Joyce, Rae and I inspected old cowboy boots, piano keys and costume jewelry. I felt like I was on a clean version of Hoarders.

"Look," I said, pointing down at our feet when we were back outside with the boys. "Only Chaz looks like a tourist."

We looked down and saw that all of us were wearing Toms except Chaz. We were a walking Toms ad.

Mitch and Vanessa met up with the six of us at Big Top Candy Shop, where I may or may not have spent too much money on saltwater taffy. It was safe to say that if a nuclear bomb would have gone off right then, the six of us could have survived on beef jerky and taffy for at least a week.

"So what's the plan for tonight?" Mitch asked while we stood in line at Hopdoddy's.

"Well, we'd like to see the bats," Joyce said.

"And then we're cooking ribs at our place," I said.

"And then you and Vanessa are taking us out because we don't know where to go around here," Rae said.

"We're too old for the Dirty Sixth, " I said. Sixth Street was a popular street in downtown Austin lined with bars on both sides. I'd had many a drunken nights there, and my 26-year-old liver quivered at the thought of going back. We definitely weren't in college anymore.

"We'll take you to West Sixth," Vanessa said. "It's a lot cleaner and more of an older scene."

Older scene = fewer drunk college boys dry humping our legs. Bring it on.

246. Not so Hipster

2011-12-19T20:30:00.000-06:00

We hit the road by 11 am, right on schedule. Joey drove and Joyce took shotgun while Cayden and I cuddled in the back with Axle, the hairiest one of the bunch. It was a three and a half hour drive, and we barely made it halfway when we felt the need to stop at Robertson's to buy $50 worth of beef jerky. It's safe to say we have a slight overindulgence problem when it comes to jerky. We killed about $20 worth by the time drove through downtown Austin.

We turned onto South Congress and Cayden and I craned our necks to look at the dreadlocked pedestrians and into the windows of the funky shops.

"I am so not hipster enough to be here," I said as I looked down at my tank top and jean shorts. "Good thing I wore my Toms."

We looked down and realized all four of us were wearing Toms. There was a very small chance we wouldn't look like tourists. If Williamsburg, Brooklyn, was the hipster capital of the world, Austin was the hipster capital of the country.

We turned right and then took a quick left, as directed by our GPS. We drove past adorable little houses on our left and what looked like an elementary school on our right.

We pulled into the driveway of the house second from the corner and met Dale, the homeowner, in the driveway. He'd been emailing us all week, giving us restaurant recommendations and telling us where to go to see the bats fly out from under the bridge. His emails were so in-depth, I had to read them in spurts to give my eyes a break. In person, Dale was just as odd as he was via email, but lucky for us, less in-depth.

"This is the compost, so you have to put all of your leftover food here," he said, pointing at a plastic container in the freezer. "We recycle everything if you haven't noticed."

I cringed at the sight of the black banana peel and shriveled strawberries. I was definitely not hipster enough.

"And here's a guide for restaurants and activities in the area, complete with my reviews." The packet was stuck to the refrigerator with a magnet clip. The bold Comic Sans font made my eye twitch.

"Thank you so much for letting us stay here," I said. "It really is a beautiful house. Not to mention, a perfect location."

Dale nodded and insisted that we call if we needed anything. Joyce and Joey went to check out the backyard and to let Axle go to the bathroom. Cayden and I saw that as our chance to test out all the beds and pick our favorite one. The bed in the front corner bedroom had a beautiful maroon bedspread and large windows on two sides. We dove onto the bed face first.

"Too stiff," I said.

"Too small," Cayden said.

We pulled ourselves up off the bed and ran through the hallway to the next bedroom. The room looked small until we realized the bed was actually huge. We flopped down on our backs and settled in.

"Now this is nice," I said, before rolling over to the far right. Cayden rolled to the far left and we reached our hands across to meet in the middle. The bed was big enough for us to roll around without bumping into each other.

"Jackpot," I said. Cayden pulled me up off the bed.

"We have one more bed to check."

We ran and dove onto bed number three, in the largest bedroom lined with windows. We heard a creak and a slight snap as we landed. Panicked, we carefully rolled off and sprinted back to bed number two before Joyce and Joey came back in. We giggled into the pillows as we heard Joyce and Joey come in and plop down on bed number three.

We started unpacking and started with the necessities:

Then we headed to the grocery store to cash in the savings in our Curious George piggy bank to buy beer, snacks and dinner for the next night. We filled our cart with Bud Light, chips, ribs, mashed potatoes, creamed corn, cookies and a red velvet roll. You would have though we'd smoked out in the car. We were also the only ones who weren't shopping in the organic food section.

"Are you guys here yet?" It was a text message from my good friend Mitch. We'd gone to school together at OU and we'd worked together in the Student Media department. He was the most talented graphic designer I'd ever met, and although he was a year younger than me, I looked up to him as a friend and a colleague. He lived in Austin and he'd recently proposed to his girlfriend, Vanessa. I couldn't wait to hear the whole story in person. We talked about our relationships a lot, so I was excited he'd finally get to meet Cayden.

"On our way back to the house! Come over!" I texted him the address.

Later that night, at Home Slice Pizza, Mitch told us the whole story.

"Well, it was her birthday and we planned a weekend away in the Hill Country. We were going to visit some vineyards," he said. The four of us were gathered around him on the back patio with pitchers of beer as we waited for a table. I'd already heard the story via Facebook Chat, but I was getting goosebumps hearing it again. "She'd been saying she wanted these headphones, and I'm always terrible at keeping a secret, so I let her think that's what I was giving her. So we were at this vineyard, outside on a patio when I handed her a box. I made sure it was a big box so she'd think it was headphones. I had to put a bottle of olive oil in there to weigh it down. So when she opened what she thought was headphones and found olive oil, she was stumped. Then there was a smaller box in that box. She opened that one and there was a tiny envelope in that box..."

The anticipation was killing me, even though I knew how it ended.

"She opened up the envelope and it said, 'look up.' Then I was standing there with the ring."

Tears welled up on my bottom eyelid. I knew if I blinked I'd be in trouble.

"She cried," he said. "And then she said yes."

245. Teammates with Benefits

2011-12-14T00:50:00.000-06:00

Thursday night was kickball night. My favorite night of every week. All of my closest friends played on my kickball team, which, for the most part, was more about drinking than kicking balls. But this season we'd gotten a competitive edge. We kicked harder than we'd kicked before. We threw harder. We ran harder. And, yes, we drank a little harder after the games. It's hard to turn down free victory pitchers of ice cold beer.

I'd always wished Cayden were on our team. The three other couples that made up my close-knit group were on the team, and it just didn't feel complete without Cayden. He grew up playing "football" (err... soccer), so surely he'd be a natural at kickball, right? So that Thursday I was more than psyched that Cayden would finally get to join my team.

That is, until gametime.

I panicked. What if he sucked? What if he tried to kick the ball and completely missed? What if he threw like a girl? What if he ran the wrong way on the bases? What if he completely embarrassed himself? There's nothing worse than feeling embarrassed in front of a group of your girlfriend's friends, right? But then I stopped to think about it. What was I really concerned about? His embarrassment or my own? Would I be embarrassed if Cayden ended up being the worst kickball player in the history of terrible kickballers? Surely not....

"OK, so, you have to have one foot in the batter's box when you kick the ball," I said to him, trying to cram the kickball basics into his head before the game. "If they field it within that inner arch right there, it's an automatic out. So, just kick it past that. Then run to first and listen to your base coaches."

I gave him a kiss and patted him on the butt to say 'Good luck.'

I held my breath when it was his turn to kick. Please don't miss it. Please don't miss it. Please. Please. Please. The ball rolled toward him, bouncing slightly as it hit clumps of dirt. I didn't even realize I had my hands over my face until they nearly blocked my view. He took a running start. He swung his leg back and kicked down and forward with all his strength. I bit my tongue and winced.

The ball flew past the short stop, past the third baseman, and over the left fielder's head. My jaw dropped. The next thing I knew, I was out on the dirt with the rest of my team jumping up and down screaming, "RUN! GO!" We didn't need to scream, he was already rounding first base and closing in on second. He made it to third base before the ball made it back into the infield. Had he not had a runner in front of him, it might have been a home run. It was by far the best kick of the season.

"Holy shit! He's good!" my teammates said to me as I beamed with pride.

"That's my boyfriend!" I yelled. He laughed and shook his head.

I felt like an ass for doubting him. I was the one who needed to be worried about embarrassing myself. I sure as hell wasn't the fastest runner on the team or the best kicker for that matter. But a little part of me breathed a sigh of relief when I realized Cayden didn't suck. It made me wonder if that's how my parents felt every time one of my siblings and I tried a new sport. No one wants to be responsible for the worst kid on the team, right?

Between innings, the guys on the team were asking Cayden for pointers on how to improve their kick.

"You have to get a running start, and when you kick, make sure your head is down and your toe is pointed." They hung onto every word and practiced air kicks alongside him to match his motion. It was adorable. Coach Cayden to the rescue.

We took the field after scoring two runs. I played my usual position in the infield while Cayden took left field. I didn't have time to explain how that position worked before the inning started because he was busy with his kicking lessons, but I figured it was pretty self explanatory. Every time the pitcher rolled the ball, I prayed the kicker didn't kick it to Cayden. Sure, he was awesome on offense, but what if he threw like a girl?

Sure enough, the next ball was kicked to left field. The kicker ran to first and looked toward second while Cayden chased after the ball.

"THROW IT! THROW IT IN! THROW IT TO ANYONE! JUST GET IT IN!" I screamed as Cayden looked around confused and the runner advanced to third base. I was jumping up and down and waving my arms to get his attention. We all were. Eventually he drop kicked the ball and it rolled close enough to Joey at third base that the runner decided not to try for a homerun.

"I didn't realize the ball was still in play once I touched it," Cayden explained later in the game.

"No worries. We're still winning! Now go out there and kick the shit out of that ball!"

We won our game 6-1 that night, and despite his outfield error, Cayden was MVP. His pristine "football" kick sent ball after ball whizzing over the other team's head. It was so fun to finally get to high-five him between innings and cheer him on as he barreled through the bases. We even snuck in a kiss here and there.

We guzzled our celebratory free pitcher of beer after the game at Barley House, the league's sponsor bar. We all piled around a long, wooden table on the patio out front.

"So what time are we leaving for Austin in the morning?" Joyce asked from across the table.

"I was thinking like 10 or 11 am," I said. "I'm just so glad I got the day off work."

"Lucky!" Rae said from the other side of Chaz. "Chaz doesn't get off until 5, so we probably won't even get there until 9 or 10 at night."

Joyce and I exchanged a look. We all knew when Chaz or Rae said they'd be somewhere at a certain time, it was a safe bet to add one to three hours to it.

"So, we'll see you at midnight?" I asked, only half joking.

"Until then," I said, taking the last swig of my beer and grabbing Cayden's arm. "I'm going to go put our team name to good use."

244. My Ironman Fantasy

2011-12-08T23:33:00.001-06:00

I couldn't wait to get home from work to celebrate my birthday. Cayden was taking me to dinner and we were going all out: wine, steak, the works. We'd decided on Texas de Brazil, one of those Brazilian steakhouses where waiters walk around with giant slabs of meat on sticks. OK, so that doesn't sound classy at all. But don't let the meat sticks fool you; It's fancy! I even bought a new dress for the occasion. It was a one-sleeved, rust-colored, snug-fitting dress that left pretty much nothing to the imagination. Looking back, I should have avoided anything "snug" considering we were going to an all-you-can-eat steakhouse. I would have liked to leave the status of my food-baby to everyone's imagination.

Cayden popped open a bottle of red wine while we got ready. I propped myself up on my bathroom counter with my feet in my sink like I did every morning. It was the perfect seat. I could put on my liquid eyeliner with perfect precision and watch Cayden get dressed in the other room at the same time. I laughed to myself when I saw Cayden ironing his jeans and shirt. I couldn't remember the last time I'd ironed anything, much less a pair of jeans. In fact, I could list at least four shirts off the top of my head that I hadn't worn for half a year because they were wrinkled. If it didn't unwrinkle in the dryer or the steamy bathroom while I showered, then I wasn't wearing it, which is just one of the many reasons I'd make a shitty housewife.

I watched the muscles in his upper back and shoulder tense and relax as he pushed the iron back and forth against the denim. I wasn't sure if it was the wine or my fresh-out-of-hibernation hormones that did the trick, but I'd never been more turned on by the simple act of ironing. I began to wonder if the ironing board was sturdy enough to support the weight of two people.

"Does this look familiar?" he asked, startling me out of my starched sexual fantasy. He was holding up a long-sleeved white button down with thin, gray stripes. In my mind I thought, Yes, that looks like the same white button-down shirt every guy wears when he's forced to wear anything nicer than casual.

Out loud, I said, "I feel like I've seen you wear it before," while looking at him quizzically. I was totally guessing. I mean, why else would it have looked familiar?

"This is the shirt I was wearing when we met," he said. He looked a little surprised that I hadn't placed it. For the most part, I have a photographic memory and can remember the most random details about any scenario. But that's only when I'm focused. Not when I'm in the middle of watching a squeaky ironing board porno in my head.

"Aw, baby, that's so sweet!" I said. "Don't even ask me about that dress I was wearing when we met. For some reason that empire waist looks more like a poor disguise for pregnancy than a fashion trend."

The dress was still in my closet, hanging there neglected. I hadn't worn it since I moved away from New York. It showed way too much boob to be considered a work dress, and it wasn't like I was going out to bars or clubs to meet men anymore.

I loved that Cayden remembered things like that. Recently, he'd admitted that he'd kept all of his boarding passes from his flights to and from Texas for sentimental value, which made me feel like a cold-hearted bitch because I'd spit my chewed gum in mine and tossed it in a trashcan before leaving the airport.

I put the finishing touches on my makeup and hopped off the counter. Cayden tilted his wine glass to mine for a quick cheers and then kissed me on my lips.

"You look beautiful, baby," he said looking me up and down. My hair and makeup were done, but I was still wearing my torn jeans and black-and-white striped V-neck from work.

"If you think this looks good, just wait until you see my dress," I said. "Your girlfriend is going to look hot tonight." I slapped his ass and yanked my dress off the hanger. I stripped off my clothes one layer at a time, leaving a trail into the bathroom. The dress needed a lot of tugging pulling and lifting and shifting, and I didn't want him to see me until everything was in place. There's nothing worse than walking around with misaligned nipples in a cold restaurant.

When all was good, I walked back into my room and propped myself up against the door frame, sticking my hip out to the side to appear even more curvy.

"Wow," he said when he saw me. "Just wow. Stunning."

I loved it when he said "stunning" because in his accent it sounded like, "stooning."

"Wow yourself," I said as I blatantly checked him out. The shirt was snug against his biceps and just tight enough on his chest to make me wish he weren't wearing one. Naked. Ironing board. Sex. I shook my head to regain the conductor's seat on my train of thought. Birthday sex would have to wait until after birthday dinner.

The one thing I hadn't considered when picking out my dress was what kind of shoes I'd wear. What does one match with rust? Brown? Black? Bright purple? I could tell the dress needed heels to complete the look, but hated heels with a fiery passion. I downed another glass of wine while I tried on every shoe in my closet. When I ran out of flats to try on, I moved on to my very limited supply of heels: the shiny black heels from Shanna's wedding and the suede black booties with the four-inch heel I tried to wear at Cayden's birthday dinner the year before. I like to refer to them as my 'Stripper shoes.' I bought them specifically for a pole dancing class and I hadn't worn them since.

The stripper shoes looked much better than the wedding heels, but I'd lost feeling in my toes after five seconds of trying them on. In the end, I went with the stripper shoes and just prayed both feet would go numb before I felt severe pain.

"Oh! You guys look so good!" Joyce said when we finally emerged from my room. She looked like a proud mom on prom night.

And in true prom night fashion, we posed for photos in front of the fireplace.

243. From a Very Smart Man

2011-12-06T21:04:00.001-06:00

"I'm ready for my present now," I said as I poked Cayden's side. He made a small moan but didn't flinch. It was 7:00 am and I was wide awake. Cayden, on the other hand, was far from it.

"Time to wake up, " I chimed in my raspy, morning sing-song voice. "I'm old balls and I need a present to celebrate!"

He rolled over onto his back and tried to force his eyes open. I tried not to laugh as I watched him struggle. I knew he wouldn't be coherent for a little while, so I decided to jump in the shower while. I was officially 26 years old. Hard to believe I used to think I'd be married with a few punk-ass kids running around by this age. I was more than grateful that wasn't the case just yet. How could I be responsible for kids when I can't even remember to switch my laundry from the washer to the dryer in an acceptable amount of time?

I squeezed my eyes shut while I washed the shampoo out of my hair and tried to guess what he might have gotten me. His previous gifts--the heart-shaped locket and the charm-bracelet watch--had fallen under the "shiny" category, and I hoped this one did, too. I used to want practical gifts like books or clothes or DVDs, but ever since I'd signed my heart over to Cayden and turned into a girl, I wanted jewelry. But if he's gotten me something shiny, wouldn't he have given it to me before Shanna's wedding? He knew I'd run out of time to buy accessories, so I had to dig around in my jewelry box and find some cheap but shiny earring my dad had brought back from China. I wore the charm bracelet watch and decided to forgo the necklace because I didn't have anything dainty enough to complement the sequined dress.

Maybe he'd gotten me something from one of the cute little shops in Notting Hill I'd fallen in love with during my first visit to London. Or maybe he brought me a lifetime supply of Percy Pigs and crumpets. Despite the lack of shine, I couldn't complain about that. Or maybe, just maybe, he'd hand me an enveloped and inside it would be a note that said, "I got a job offer. I'M MOVING TO DALLAS!" I got over excited just thinking about it and dropped the bottle of body wash, just barely missing my big toe. I shook my head and tried to erase the thought of it. I couldn't get my hopes up about things like that or I'd be disappointed by any other gift, shiny or not.

Cayden was leaning over the sink brushing his teeth when I came out of the shower with my towel wrapped tightly around me. I couldn't help myself but check out his butt in his tight black boxer briefs.

"How's my birthday girl?" he asked with a mouthful of foamy toothpaste.

"She's old but clean!" I answered reaching for my own toothbrush. We stood at the sink watching each other brush our teeth in the mirror. He brushed hard and vigorously, like someone was about to take his toothbrush away and he'd never be able to brush again. While I brushed calmly and steadily, controlling my mouthful of foam much better than he did his. It foamed out the corners of his lips and crept dangerously close to the kung fu grip he had on the brush. We smiled at each other, and then I let my eyes wander the the reflection of his flat stomach and adorable belly button.

He spit first and then I hip checked him to reclaim the sink. I tried not to gag as I brushed the very back of my tongue. I stood up to wipe my mouth, but Cayden planted a big, wet, sloppy, minty kiss on my mouth before I could stop him. I laughed and tried to pull away, but laid it on me.

"I really hope that wasn't my present," I said when he finally let me go.

"Aw, you thought I got you a present?" he asked. "That's cute."

He pushed my bedroom door open and gestured toward the bed. A cute blue and green paisley box sat on the edge of my bed, just waiting for me to tear into it. He forced the card into my hands before I could lift the lid on the box. For a half a second, I hoped to find the "I'M MOVING TO DALLAS" note I'd been waiting for. But I wasn't disappointed when I pulled the card out.

I loved it. I'd finally accepted that aluminum was once spelled with an additional 'i,' but I wasn't going to budge on my alien theory. I couldn't bring myself to pronounce herbs with an H, but he was spot on with the whole amazing girlfriend thing. Ha.

I kissed him and pulled him down on the bed next to me. Then I grabbed for the gift box and looked to him for approval. He nodded and I pulled the top off. My eyes were immediately drawn to a tin box in the left-hand corner. I'd know that box anywhere. It was a Fossil watch box and I had a Fossil watch obsession. I loved almost every single watch in the store. It didn't even matter which watch was inside. I already loved it.

I pried the tin top off and stared down at the watch I'd been drooling over most recently. I'd found myself in the Fossil store more than once during the same mall visit just to try it on and stare at it. It wasn't usually the type of watch I'd go for. The giant face was too masculine, the thin leather straps were too dainty, and the rust-colored coils along the outside were too steampunk. But I was drawn to it. And it was all mine.

"Spot on," I said, stroking the giant face of the watch the way someone might stroke a sleeping baby. Cayden took it out of the box and secured it around my wrist. The skinny straps made my freakishly scrawny wrist look less freakishly scrawny. And the steampunk coils reflected a textured shine. I got my something shiny.

"You're three for three now when it comes to gifts," I said before I kissing him quickly and returning my gaze to my new timepiece.

"You're not done," he said, and handed me the gift box. A rectangular box lay flat against the right side. Could it be something shinier?

I ripped the blue tissue paper off excitedly, but I could tell by the weight of it that it wasn't a necklace. The top of the box said "Issey Miyake."

"Damnit!" I said, slapping my hand against my thigh. "That's the name of it! I was going to get you this cologne but for the life of me, I couldn't remember the name of it!"

Every time we walked past a cologne display, Cayden would stop and make me smell it. For some reason, it never had a tag and the bottle only said "Tester." He always said the name of it and I'd made a mental note to never forgot it so I could buy it for him later. But I could never quite figure out what he was saying. All I knew was that it sounded like Mr. Miyagi.

"This is the women's version of the one I like," he explained. I sprayed it against my wrist and sniffed softly. It smelled sweet and sexy at the same time. I hadn't finished the bottle of perfume he'd given me last Christmas, and I started feeling bad for it, knowing it was about to get replaced and left to collect dust in the cabinet.

"Thank you so much," I said, putting one hand on his cheek and pulling him closer for a kiss. "Once again, you got everything just right."

I pulled him in for a kiss and let it last longer than I should have allowed considering I needed to leave for work, oh, ten minutes earlier.

"Except for one thing," I whispered as soon as our lips parted.

"What's that?" he asked, a look of intrigue and confusion spread across his face.

"There ARE aliens on Mars."

The Long Distance Relationship His and Hers Gift Guide

2011-12-05T20:27:00.001-06:00

In my mad search to find the perfect Christmas gift for Cayden, I scoured through all of the previous (and mostly lame) LDR gift guides and came up empty handed. So I decided to create my own. Here are my top 20 favorite LDR gift ideas inspired by my own relationship, my friends, Etsy, Pinterest and some seriously creative Google searching. The gifts below vary in prices and include DIY ideas. These gifts aren't limited to LDRs, either. I'm sorry if this gift guide is too little too late for some of you. But if that's the case, there's always Valentine's Day, right?

---Long Distance Gift for Him or Her---

Memeoirs (Book of your emails)

$12.50-$28.90

I literally almost peed my pants when I found this one. I'd been wanting to print out all of my emails with Cayden since we met and keep them in a binder somewhere. You know, just in case Gmail ever explodes and disappears forever. But I literally have thousands and thousands of emails. Email is an essential part of LDRs, which is what makes this gift so freakin bad ass. All you do is grant access to your email account, pick the date range, and designate the to and from and the program does the rest! You name it, choose a cover image, and write the forward and dedication page and they mail it to you when it's done.

Buy it here: http://www.memeoirs.com/

What I Love About You (Book)

$11

I just saw this book as I was waiting for my coffee at Barnes & Nobles today. Usually, I'm not into these type of relationship journals, but I found myself flipping through it well after my coffee was in hand. The first page said "The 5 Ws of Our Relationship" (Where we met, Who we were with, What we were doing, When we met and Why we were there). I started filling in the blanks mentally. I turned the page and saw another one that said, "The moment I knew I'd fallen in love with you." I wanted to rewrite my entire relationship in these pages and give it to Cayden. Maybe it's something you'll want to do for your man or lady.

Buy it here: http://www.amazon.com/What-I-Love-About-You/dp/0767923154

Postertext

$31.99+

Do you know your girlfriend or boyfriend's favorite book? Turn it into a poster! The words of the book are spaced out on the poster to create an image in the white space. To the left, you'll see the poster for Huckleberry Finn. I know this gift idea isn't specifically for LDRs, but it's too cool to not include it! Right now they're only focusing on the classics, but you can suggest a book and they'll email you when they have a poster ready for it. Buy it here: http://postertext.com/

Countdown Clock

$12.95

This gift doesn't look all that fancy, but I love the idea behind it. You can set the clock to countdown to any specific date. I'm always keeping a mental countdown of Cayden's next visit, but the ticker in my head is always a little off. To make this one more visually appealing, you can create your own design when you place your order. Or, leave it white and add your own personal messages in Sharpie. Buy it here: http://www.countdowntime.com/timetogo/designyourown.cfm

Framed Message and Map

Price varies

Is there a certain quote or saying you and your boyfriend or girlfriend hold near and dear? Frame it! This is the gift I made for Shanna and Ronnie for their wedding. They were in a long-distance relationship at one time, and the quote is something Ronnie said to her that Shanna that meant the word to her. I made a collage of maps (from Half Price Books for less than $1!) from cities they lived and went to school and where they live now. Then I printed the quote on vellum and taped it together. Bought the frame at Hobby Lobby for less than $30.

---Long Distance Gifts for Her---

The Coordinates of Your Heart Necklace
$62
When it comes to gifts for women, you can't go wrong with jewelry. But this hand-crafted sterling silver necklace is all about location, location, location. You can add the latitude and longitude coordinates of any location that's special to you. It could be where you met, where you had your first date, where you first fell in love, where you first told her you love her, or where you plan on moving with her. It's up to you! And that freshwater pearl adds a nice feminine touch. Shout out to @E_Ione for finding this one!
Buyt it here: http://www.thevintagepearl.com/products/thecoordinatesofyourheart_p279

Inner message ring
$120+
This ring got me all chocked up. I think it's really symbolic of a long-distance relationship. When the ring is in place, it's solid, stable and real. But when it's not there, the love is still present. Just like in an LDR. Besides the heart, there are two other options you can choose: "Always" and "Marry me." Don't even get me started on how much I teared up when I saw that one.
Buy it here: http://www.yoonjungyun.com/shop.htm

Long distance necklace
$29
This is such a cute idea for couples in an LDR in the US. You pick the two states, and the heart bonds them together. Just like in real life, right? I don't think this one works for international LDRs, though. There's no mention in the description of other countries. But it's worth a shot! Etsy items are handmade, so there's a chance the seller would be willing to make an exception.
Buy it here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/71008554/long-distance-love-necklace

2011 Calendar
Price varies
There are a few different ways you could go about personalizing this gift. You can keep it humorous and buy this 'Perfect Guy' Calendar and cut your face out and glue it to every half-naked man. Or you can create your own photo calendar on shutterfly.com or one of the other various custom photo services. Fill the pages with photos of you both together, or pictures of places you've visited. Or have each month show a picture of you holding up a sign with a different word. When she flips through the calendar, the words will create a message. Whichever way you choose to do it, make sure your circle all of the important dates and leave sweet messages in there before you give it to her. Try to circle anniversaries of when you first met, first kiss, first dated, first said I Love You, etc. Buy the Perfect Guy Calendar here: http://www.amazon.com/Perfect-Guy-2012-Wall-Calendar/dp/1416286950/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1323151006&sr=8-6

Q&A A Day Journal
$16.99
This is a fun spin on your everyday journal. It includes 365 questions, one for every day of the year. But the journal lasts for 5 years. You answer the same question on the same day over the course of five years so you can see how your answers have evolved. They aren't specifically relationship questions, but if you're in an LDR, you know you have your good days and your bad days. Your answers will probably reflect that. If you close the distance between now and five years from now, I bet your answers will change dramatically!
Buy it here: http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?navAction=jump&id=20376364&parentid=SEARCH_RESULTS&color=020

Charm Bracelet
Price: Varies
What I love about a charm bracelet gift is that you can add to it every time you see each other. If you take a trip to Paris together, surprise her with n Eiffel Tower charm. First Christmas together? Find a giftbox charm. Did you meet your girlfriend at a bar? Start her bracelet off with a cocktail charm. The charm bracelet pictured is the Love Story Charm Bracelet from Fossil, but a simple Google search will pull up a variety of charm bracelets to fit your budget. And as you add charms, the gift only gets more valuable. She'll be able to wear iconic memories around her wrist while you're away.
Buy the Love Story Charm Bracelet here: http://www.fossil.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=12052&catalogId=10052&productId=22257785&cm_mmc=goo2-_-feed-_-pdp-_-dly&mr:trackingCode=90D17E11-97B3-E011-9F24-0019B9C043EB&mr:referralID=NA&mr:adType=pla&gclid=COv2vrHl7KwCFYhdTAod5yF3oQ

T-Shirt Quilt
Price varies
I stole one of Cayden's shirts during one of his visits, and it's been my favorite shirt to sleep in since then. It smells like him and it reminds me of him. Chances are, your girlfriend does the same thing with one of your shirts. So this Christmas, let her sleep with all of your shirts by giving her a T-Shirt Quilt. OK, not all of your shirts. Pick a handful of T-shirts you're ready to part way with and send it to a quilting company or beg your sew-master of an aunt to do it for you. If you can't give up that many shirts, buy some that represent your relationship (Trip to NYC? Include an I <3 NY shirt. Go to a sporting event together? Find a cheap jersey online). But before you wrap it up, don't forget to spritz it with your cologne. Buy it here: http://www.toocooltshirtquilts.com/

Bracelet Engraved with 'Patience' (as seen on 'Like Crazy')

Price varies

'Like Crazy' is a movie about a long-distance relationship that's so much like my life it's, like, crazy. During one scene in the movie, the guy gives his girlfriend a gift. It's a bracelet inscribed with the word 'Patience.' I cried. But then again, I cry all the time. This bracelet might help your girlfriend remember that good things come to those who wait.

Buy the bracelet here: http://www.limogesjewelry.com/Custom.asp?productid=12377&mr:trackingCode=7A58932D-C481-DE11-B712-001422107090&mr:referralID=NA

---Long-Distance Gifts For Him---

Boudoir Photos
Price varies
My first thought when I saw a Groupon for a Boudoir Photo Shoot was "Um, hell no." My second thought was, "Cayden would love it." Imagine how excited your man would be if you sent him home with a few professional sexy photos of you? I mean, it's not like he gets to see that everyday. Boudoir photos are tasteful and classy, and you don't have to wear lingerie, either. Go sexy casual with just a T shirt and cowboy boots, or just wear your boyfriend's favorite sports jersey. Watch for a Groupon in your area. Otherwise, these photo shoots can cost anywhere from $300+.
A few DFW-area suggestions: http://www.runwayboudoir.com, lplboudoir.com

Local Sports Team Starter Kit
Price varies
If you read my earlier post about what I gave Cayden for his birthday, this one will sound familiar to you. If your man is moving to your city (eventually) or you're both moving to another city to be together, get him Sports Fan Starter Kit. Cayden is moving to Dallas next year (fingers crossed), so I got him a Mav's T shirt, a Dallas Cowbows hoodie, a Rangers T shirt and a pair of OU basketball shorts because I'll be forcing my alma mater on him. He absolutely loved it. If you have a bigger budget, splurge on actual jerseys.

Scratch Map
$24
Almost as fun as scratching off a lottery card, the Scratch Map lets you track your travels by scratching away at the map's surface. The underlayer reveals different colors to show where you've been. With enough skill, you could probably scratch a little message into the Pacific Ocean before you give it to him. Or scratch little Xs into the places you want him to take you.
Buy it here: http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/scratch-map

Hidden Message Tie
$49.95
Usually, I designate a tie as a fall back Father's Day gift, but there's something special about this one. Inside a little hidden pocket is a little hidden heart. No one has to know he's walking around with his girlfriend's heart so close to his. I love this gift because it's both classy and romantic. You can add an engraved message on the heart for an extra $6.95.
Buy it here: http://gifts.redenvelope.com/gifts/hidden-message-tie-30049422

Dual Time Zone Watch
$119
This gift is especially handy for people dealing with a drastic time difference. Cayden is always 6 hours ahead of me, so we have to stop and do the math before we call each other. A dual time-zone watch would make that math a little easier. If you don't like this one, Amazon has a lot of other styles, but this one had the most feasible price in my opinion. Make sure you set the clocks to both of your time zones before you wrap it.
Buy it here: http://www.amazon.com/Skagen-733XLSLB-Leather-Dress-Watch/dp/B003XGMSL2

---

Well, that's all I have for you for now. I hope that helped somewhat! Please feel free to leave any other suggestions in the comments below. Good luck with your holiday shopping!

242. Tear Jerkers

2011-12-01T23:40:00.001-06:00

As I'm sure you've learned by now, I've changed a lot since I met Cayden. I no longer want to Red Rover couples holding hands on the street. I want to know how they met. I don't dry heave and roll my eyes anymore when I hear a guy say, "You're so beautiful, baby." Instead, I play it over and over again in my head until it's burned into my memory and I can recall it whenever I want. I don't run from commitment and cling to flings. I don't dread weddings. I don't think a dozen roses is a cliche cop-out gift. And I don't think my non-single friends are lame for not wanting to go to a crowded bar with loud music and drinks we have to pay for on a Saturday night, because, let's face it, I don't want to do that either.

Nowadays I daydream. I love. And I cry. A lot.

It used to be that I could count the number of movies that made me cry on one hand: Fievel Goes West, Lion King, My Girl, and Titanic. The list for TV shows was even shorter: Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Gets me every time. Since meeting Cayden it's movies, TV shows, radio shows, books, the news, emails, proposal videos, weddings, and quotes like the one I put on Shanna's wedding gift that bring me to tears. So I don't know why I thought taking Cayden to see 50/50, a comedy-drama about a man who finds out he has cancer and has a 50/50 chance of living, was a good idea. I suppose I figured any movie with Seth Rogan could only result in the type of tears that come from laughing too hard or choking on your Dr. Pepper.

Tears, snot, and bloodshot eyes does not a good movie date make. I literally bawled my eyes out for a full 45 minutes. It wasn't even a sad movie, necessarily, but it was emotional. The movie showed a part of the male best friend relationship you don't usually see. I peeked out of the corner of my tear-filled eye at Cayden and saw him look away from the screen during one of the more emotional parts. My coworkers Emory and Laine were sitting on the other side of him. We'd gotten free screening passes together. I couldn't see Emory, but Laine was experiencing the same tears-and-snot battle I was fighting. Cayden squeezed my hand and I wanted to jump on his lap and squeeze him and make him promise me he'd never, ever get cancer or any other life-threatening disease, knowing full and well that's not a promise anyone could make.

I was nearly out of tears by the time the credits rolled. I was afraid to leave the dark theater and let anyone see my splotchy red face and eyeliner-smudged eyes. I couldn't remember a time a movie had made me cry that much. I reluctantly followed the crowd out of theater and into the harsh light of the lobby. I tried to hide behind Cayden until we were safely outside, but as I looked around, I saw that everyone's eyes were bloodshot.

"Well, what did you think?" Cayden asked, pulling me out from behind him.

"I think I wish we would have seen What's Your Number instead," I said, pressing the back of my hand against my one cheek and then the other to dry them.

"But it was so good!" Emory said, with Laine nodding next to him. "I'm not going to lie, though, I got a little choked up."

Cayden nodded. "I had to look away at one part," he admitted. It made me feel a little better that the guys struggled as well, but they didn't look half as rough as Laine and I did.

We stood in the lobby for a few more minutes, discussing our favorite parts and which scenes made us cry most. Then we parted ways and headed to our cars.

"Next time we have a movie date, let's see a cheesy rom-com. Or a thriller. Or an adventure movie," I said as we pulled out of the parking lot.

"You used to be so tough," Cayden said, laughing and shaking his head. "Now look at you!"

I glanced at my eyes in the rearview mirror and laughed at how puffy my eyelids already were.

"It's your fault!" I said. "I never used to be like this."

"Well, it appears I've turned you into a girl," Cayden said. "The birthday girl."

I glanced at the clock in my car and saw that it was still a couple hours until from midnight.

"But it's not my birthday yet," I said, somewhat confused.

"It is in London," he said. "So now you can't call me an old man, anymore."

It blew my mind that I was 26 in London and 25 in Texas, but I didn't mind that it meant we got two "midnight" kisses on New Years.

"Do you want your present tonight? Or in the morning?" he asked.

Part of me wanted to open it that night, if only to pull me out of the hazy mood that movie had put me in.

"In the morning," I said. "So I have something to look forward to."

It would be my first birthday with Cayden in town. Hopefully the first of many.

241. Silent Night

2011-11-29T23:20:00.001-06:00

I blinked. He blinked. I looked at his right eye, then his left, before focusing on the tip of his nose. I felt him scan my face as well. I looked at his lips. He licked them.

We were lying in my bed on our sides, face to face. His nose was inches from mine. The lights were off, but my eyes had adjusted enough to see him clearly. We weren't touching. Just observing.

Being in a long-distance relationship, we'd spent so much time talking. Even if we didn't have anything to talk about, we'd talk about not having anything to talk about. We filled silences with overused phrases like "I miss you," "I wish you were here," and "I just can't wait to see you again." We talked on the phone. We talked on Gchat. We talked on the webcam.

But for a moment that night, we stopped talking. We listened to each other's breathing. When I held my breath, I thought I could hear his heartbeat. Or maybe that was mine. Maybe they were beating at the same time.

He yawned and I watched his big round eyes squeeze shut so tightly that his eyelashes disappeared. He covered his mouth with a giant hand. I tried to fight the urge to yawn. My nose flared. My jaw forced itself open and I gave in. I wished my hand were as big as Cayden's so I could cover my entire yawn face. There's nothing cute about a yawn face unless it's on a puppy or a baby. Flared nose, double and triple chins, elongated face. And sometimes it's accompanied by a stray gleek or that awkward inverted burping sound.

We both had watery eyes from our yawns. I wanted to reach out and touch his face, but I loved the tension of not touching. So many times in the past, I'd lain in that same position, facing nothing but an empty bed, trying to use mental powers to make him magically appear. I didn't need magic that night, but it was still there, surrounding us in the room. I felt like I'd chugged Love Potion or eaten sugar cube-shaped sparkling fairy dust.

"Tonight felt like home."

He broke the silence. I watched his lips move before I realized he was talking. The words didn't make sense at first. Eventually my brain realized it was a sentence. I smiled, not wanting to break my silence just yet.

"Coming home from work with you, Monday night football, Joey's chili, falling asleep next to you," his voice trailed off. He wasn't whispering, but I had to listen closely to catch every word. "This is how it's supposed to be. This is home."

If we were in a movie, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros' song 'Home' would start softy and grow louder as the scene faded to black and the credits rolled.

Home, Let me come Home

Home is Whenever Im with you
Home, yes I am Home
Home is wherever Im with you

Movie watchers would turn to each other with confused looks. "Well?? Do they end up together or not??"

240. Case of the Mondays

2011-11-28T20:38:00.001-06:00

"Are you sure you're OK driving?" I asked before getting out of the drivers' seat. We were parked in front of my office, and for the first time, Cayden was going to take my car while I was at work. You're probably thinking, "Why hasn't he done that all along?" Well, we both assumed that he wouldn't be covered on my insurance. We hadn't thought to call and ask. Turns out, it's the car that needs to be insured. Not the driver. After 10 years of driving, you'd think I'd know that by now.

"Babe, I learned how to drive years and years before you," he said laughing. "I'll be fine."

"OK, old man. But you learned how to drive on the other side of the road. You're going to shit your pants when you try to take a left-hand turn here."

He was amused by my concern. I thought back to the day Cayden was driving me to the airport in London. I'd had to close my eyes at the intersections because I was positive we were going to be in a head-on collision.

"I'll be fine. I drove the U-Haul back in January, didn't I?"

"Yeah! You drove it on the wrong side of the road and nearly gave Mom a heart attack."

"Oh, only for a few seconds. After I got to the right I was fine."

I shook my head and sighed. I felt like a parent letting my 16-year-old son drive alone for the first time. I had to learn to let go sometime.

I flung my driver's side door open and forced myself out one limb at a time. I felt like I was magnetized to the car. I didn't want to go to work. I wanted to go for a joy ride with Cayden, maybe drive up to Norman to show him the campus. Cayden had already gotten out of the car and walked around to my side by the time I'd willed both feet out the door. He pulled me out while I tried to pull him in. Naturally, his manly strength was much stronger than my will to stay put.

"Have fun at work," he said with his arms around me. I slumped against him and pretended like I didn't have any bones or muscles in my body. He had to hold on tight so I wouldn't slide down to the pavement.

"Don't make me go," I moaned against him. He tried to prop me back up, but I slid back down against him. He laughed as he struggled to keep me vertical. For a moment, I wondered if any of my coworkers were witnessing my little no-bones act. I laughed into Cayden's shirt, thinking about how ridiculous I must have looked. I let Cayden pull me back up to a standing position. I thought about slumping one more time, but I wasn't sure he'd catch me.

"You go make some money," he said, gripping my arms above the elbows to keep me upright. "I wish I could spend the day with you, but we both know that's not going to happen."

He leaned in and gave me a quick kiss before he said, "See you at lunch," and held his hand out for my car keys.

I stood on my tippy toes to kiss him again and slid my keys in his back pocket.

"You be good to her," I said, patting the hood of my car. I pulled my hand away to see a thick layer of dirt on my palm. I brushed it off on the side of my jeans and held the door open for Cayden to take the driver's seat.

I watched him drive away to make sure he ended up on the right side of the road. It wasn't that I was afraid he was going to hurt my car; I was more afraid that he was going to get hurt. What if he was in a car accident and he was knocked unconscious? The only ID he had on him was his UK driver's license and passport. How would they know to call me?

I shook the thought of it from my head and walked into my office building. Despite the fact that I didn't want to work, I was in a good mood and determined to make it a good week. Just a 4-day work week and then we'd be off to Austin for a much needed couples' weekend.

A new girl joined our 4-person social media team that morning, so we all spent most of the morning socializing.

"It was nice to finally meet Cayden," Emory said. "I really like him. He's so good to you."

"Wait, you got to meet him?" my manager Winnie called from her office.

"When do we get to meet him?" my other coworker Laine asked from her adjacent cube.

"You'll all meet him at lunch," I said. "You can grill him then."

Four hours later, we were all sitting down at Gloria's, a nice Tex-Mex restaurant off Greenville. Cayden managed to make it from my office to Starbucks and back in one piece, so life was good.

"So, what do you do in London?"
"How long are you here?"
"What's on the agenda while you're here?"
"When are you moving here?"

The questions came rapid fire. I let Cayden answer them one by one while I dominated the chips black bean dip. Emory looked grateful to have another guy at the table. Our social media team consisted of four girls and Emory, so he always got stuck listening to us talk about relationships, wedding showers and Ryan Gosling, although Emory admitted to his crush on Gosling as well.

Cayden fit right in with my coworkers just like he fit right in with my friends. Just like he fit right in with my family. Just like he fit right into the right side of my bed and I fit right into the nook of his arm. It felt like he was supposed to be there. Removing him from any one of those scenarios didn't feel right. I was already dreading the airport goodbye that was a full week away. In eight days, I'd go back to being the third wheel. Back to being the one people try to tip toe around so I don't feel like the third wheel. Back to being half of myself.

I needed a margarita. Stat.

239. Present Tense

2011-11-22T23:45:00.001-06:00

"I don't want to go to work tomorrow," I said that night when Cayden and I curled up in bed. "I hate that we have to go months and months without seeing each other, and then you finally get here and I have to work all week."

I sounded like a broken record. I muttered the same exact complaint every time he came to visit.

"Well, at least it's a short week. I'm so glad you got Friday off," he said, tucking my unruly hair behind one ear. It was still styled in tight spirals from the wedding the day before. I wasn't usually one to skip days between hair washings, but those spirals looked too damn good to wash out.

"I can't wait to show you Austin. You're going to love it."

It was Cayden's fifth visit to Texas and I had yet to take him out of the DFW metroplex. Every visit, I had big plans to take him up to Norman or down to Austin for a quick weekend getaway, but our schedules never worked out. This time, we were going to make it happen, but it wasn't going to be just the two of us. Carson's birthday is Sept. 3, Cayden's is Sept. 11, mine is Sept. 28 and Rae's is Oct. 3, so we all decided to plan a weekend trip to Austin the last weekend in September to celebrate. Unfortunately, Carson had to bail because she was starting a new job the following week and wanted to spend the weekend relaxing and preparing.

"I've heard a lot of great things about Austin," Cayden said. "I'm interested to see what it's like."

I was interested to see what the 3-bedroom house I'd rented for the weekend was like. At only $90/person for the entire weekend, it sounded too good to be true.

"This weekend was great," he said. "So much better than spending the weekend cooped up in my room with my laptop because there's nothing to do in Reading."

He was right. It had been an exciting, event-filled weekend. I felt like it had been a while since I'd had one of those. As much as I love being able to sleep in and not think about work for a few days, weekends lack a lot of their appeal when Cayden's not there. In fact, come Friday afternoons, I have a slight anxiety attack when I realize I'm the only one without weekend plans. In a long-distance relationship, weekends are when you're at your loneliest. Weekends are when you're most vulnerable. Remembering that feeling made me cling to Cayden tighter.

"Can you please just move here now?" I begged.

"I'm trying, baby." He hugged me close. "But your government isn't exactly jumping at the chance to recruit foreigners right now with unemployment the way it is. I don't even have my MBA yet, so there's little chance anyone would even look at my CV over here."

I knew he was doing everything he could. But it couldn't hurt to ask. Or beg.

"Pretty please?"

"May, baby. We're shooting for May," he said in an attempt to reassure me. "By then I should have all of the training and program certifications I need to make my resume stand out. And by then I'll have enough money saved up to survive here without a job for a few months while I search."

I wanted to believe it would happen in May, but I'd already decided not to get my hopes up. Our original plan was January, which got pushed back to March, which got pushed back to May. I promised myself not to get my hopes up until his one-way ticket had been purchased and the eticket confirmation was waiting for me in my inbox. That would be the happiest day of my life.

Cayden kissed the top of my head. I looked up and smiled at him. That kiss reminded me that it was not the time to worry about the future or reminisce on the lonely weekends in the past. Cayden was in my bed. I was in his arms. His lips were inches from mine. This was the present, and I needed to be present for it. I titled my lips up to his and let him kiss away my fears, anxieties, and uncertainties. Kiss after kiss, I came back to life. And right there in that moment, life was beautiful.

238. Not-So-Millionaire Matchmaker

2011-11-21T23:31:00.001-06:00

After a lazy brunch on the patio at Sangria, which may or may not have consisted of an entire pitcher of the namesake beverage and two black coffees, we met up with Joyce and Joey and headed to Rae and Chaz's housewarming party. They'd moved in together more than a month earlier, but they delayed the housewarming until they were completely unpacked and situated. The adorable three-bedroom house had been completely renovated just weeks before they moved in, giving it that new-house smell. During the renovation, Rae had given me a tour.

"They're putting in new backsplash here," she'd said, pointing below the cabinets in the kitchen. "And they're moving the toilet over a little bit because it's too close to the shower in the guest bathroom. Then they're completely redoing the landscaping and laying down fresh grass!"

You know you're an adult when you get excited about backsplash and sod.

As the four of us walked through the door that Sunday, our arms full of six-packs and housewarming gifts like fancy salad bowls and cocktail glasses, I was shocked to see how different the house looked from the time I saw it during renovations. Big, framed mirrors adorned one wall in the living room. A black dining room table sat under a modern chandelier. A matching sage green leather couch and armchair sat across from a 47" flat screen TV in the living room. They'd taken the house and made it a home.

"Wow," Cayden said when he walked in behind me. "This is really nice."

I nodded alongside him as he took in his surroundings. "Just wait until you see the backyard."

Rae and Chaz greeted us in the living room and we piled our gifts into their arms.

"Oh, you shouldn't have!" Rae said. "Come in. Come in! Let me show you where the food is."

A lot of familiar and some new faces turned to look at us to see who'd come in. A handful of my kickball teammates waved at us excitedly. We waved back but made a beeline for the food table.

Rae loved being a hostess so much that we often called her Martha Stewart. Dinner parties, housewarming parties, watch parties, you name it. If Rae can cook and make you feel at home, she's happy. That's where we're different. Don't get me wrong, I love to throw parties, but I'm more of the bring-food-if-you-want-to-eat and paper-plates-only-so-I-don't-have-to-clean kind of hostess.

The round table in the kitchen was full of cookies, vegetables and vegetable dips, fruit and fruit dip, chips and queso, guacamole and an assortment of candy. I was in fat-kid heaven.

"Chaz is cooking hot dogs and brats and burgers, so put your order in with him," Rae said.

I pulled Cayden outside to show him the yard. Maybe it's because I'd lived in NYC where 'backyard' meant '4'X4' slab of concrete where the trash can sits' or because I'd lived in apartments since graduating high school, but their backyard felt more like a football field. A new tall, brown fence lined the yard, lacking the warping, holes and unidentified foliage that came with the fence at our house. A tall, sprawling tree shaded the back lefthand corner. A game of Ladder Toss (better known as Teste Toss) was set up along the right side. A patio table and what I would consider a very manly grill sat closer to the house. And in the middle, there was still enough room for a volleyball court or a giant blow-up pool or a 30-person game of Red Rover, if I had to guess.

"We need a yard like this," Cayden said. "Our dog would just love it."

Yes, Cayden and I liked to talk hypothetically about things we didn't have yet, like our future pets, our sprawling bathtub, and even his green card.

"I wonder if Emory is here yet," I said as I scanned the faces in the yard. "You HAVE to meet Emory."

Emory was one of my coworkers at my new job, and he'd become one of my really close friends. When I started there, he was in a long-distance relationship, too, so we bonded over the frustrations and struggles of that reality. We'd down two Pisco Sours each and then go watch Planet of the Apes. Or we'd order a pitcher of margaritas and go see Fright Night in 3D, laughing obnoxiously at the corny parts and screaming when the person in front of us stood up and we thought it was part of the 3D movie. But then one day, I unknowingly set him up with my old coworker Jennifer. They've been inseparable ever since.

Let me explain. I didn't mean to do it. Emory was dying to go to a this concert and he didn't want to go alone. I was recovering from my tonsillectomy, so there was no chance in hell I was going with him. "If you really don't want to go alone, I bet my friend Jennifer will go with you. She's my concert buddy. She loves music. Unless you think that would be weird to go with a stranger..." In my mind I was confident it wouldn't be weird. They were practically the same person. They both loved music; he's a DJ and she's a freelance music blogger. They both work at social media agencies. And they're both really weird about things like group outings and any kind of forced company get togethers (by 'really weird about' I mean 'hate with the fire of a thousand suns'). They'd get along just fine.

And at the time, I was under the impression that Emory was perfectly happy with his long-distance girlfriend. In reality, she'd disconnected from him, detached herself emotionally, and they'd barely talked in the past month. Emory hadn't told me that part. If I'd known that, I would have told him to break it off with long-distance girl and find someone who treated him the way Cayden treated me; like there's no one else in the world she'd rather talk to. That person just so happened to be Jennifer, and they both knew it after the night they'd spent together dancing awkwardly and drunkenly at the concert. They saw each other almost every day after that. The housewarming party was their first official group outing as a couple. And from the looks on their faces, you'd never know they hated group outings.

"Emory! Jennifer!" I said, as I pulled Cayden toward them back in the kitchen. Their eyes lit up when they saw Cayden and me. Jennifer had met Cayden during one of his earlier visits, so she greeted both of us with a hug.

"I'm so happy you made it!' she told Cayden. "I just love seeing you two together!"

"Umm, speaking of which, how weird is it seeing you two together?" I said, gesturing toward her and Emory. They both blushed and offered shy shrugs. It was the first time I'd seen them together. It was like my old world and my new world were colliding.

Emory shook Cayden's hand and they exchanged "I've heard a lot about you" greetings. While the guys got to talking, Jennifer pulled me aside.

"I really am so happy for you," she said. "Look what you've done! You've turned me into a happy, mushy, doe-eyed girl!"

It was true. She barely looked like the Jennifer I used to work with. The old Jennifer was slightly jaded and somewhat of a pessimist when it came to men. But this Jennifer... this Jennifer was head-over-heels in love, although she hadn't admitted it yet. The same was true for Emory.

"Well, you're welcome!" I said. "I should just quit my job and start a matchmaking service. I'm on a roll!"

I introduced Shanna and Ronnie and they'd just gotten married. I set Joey up with Joyce, and they'd just moved in together. And I unknowingly created the perfect match with Emory and Jennifer. Looks like that Millionaire Matchmaker lady has some stiff competition. Watch out, now.