Ticking Clock

OOO A POST!! A POST!

2014-05-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

This actually started as a comment to Shannon's blog post tonight, but then I thought it would be better as a post on my own.

I *really* don't mean for this to sound as bad as I am sure it will, but the blogosphere seems to be an ok place for this...

How do people have time to eat so much? I have the opposite problem as the vast majority of people and can't keep my weight up. I just don't have a free minute to eat, let alone cook something good and hearty. When the baby was a newborn and I was faced with a short amount of 'free' time and the dilemma of "sleep or eat" I ALWAYS took the sleep. Sleep won, hands down every time. These days I am literally on the go every minute of every day and it is so exhausting, the last thing on my mind is food.

Now, that is not to say that I don't eat. I do. I just somehow don't consume enough to put weight on, I guess. Today I had (and this is fairly typical): half a dozen powdered sugar donettes and a soda for breakfast, the lunch chicken fajitas at On The Border (I try to make lunch my big meal of the day, although work often gets in the way), and I snacked on a peach and pringles while the kids were eating and I was getting their bath and stuff ready. Once I finally get the kids to bed (which is about now, 9 pm) and asleep, I either eat something (often ramen noodles, cereal or a sandwich). If I manage to eat with the kids, then after they're in bed I might have a milkshake and/or popcorn while I prepare bottles, do laundry, do dishes and get stuff ready for the next morning

How do people get so overweight? Getting to the store to buy food, any kind of preparation and the actual consuming all takes a huge amount of time and I just don't understand how people do it... (not to mention that it has to be horrifically expensive)

Single mom to a 35 month old and a 10 month old, I work 50 hours a week, I have a house (and mortgage) and a dog. I NEVER get more than 5 hours of sleep a night (and that's on a good night) and I'm lucky if I can manage to consume something in the evenings before 9:00 pm. I actually should be eating right now, but I am blogging for once, heh.

So there it is.

Where oh where does the time go?

2013-10-22T21:25:00.001-07:00

I know, I am THE WORST blogger ever. I have a ton of (good) excuses but I'm not going to dump them all here now.

So I made it to my scheduled c-section date. I ended up staying home and going on bedrest that week. The c-section was on a Thursday so I spent Mon-Weds at home and didn't go to work. It was probably the best thing to do and I did enjoy the quiet downtime.

This c-section was much rougher than my first. I think the doctors here in California are much more reluctant to medicate than they were in Virginia. In VA, the anesthesiologist told me to speak up the second I started to feel funny and if I so much as looked a little funny, he would push something that kept me feeling normal and good. Here, I damn near flatlined (literally!) before they pushed anything. I kept having major blood pressure drops and would start to feel bad, then lose the ability to speak and would go completely out of it before they did anything. I had my mom with me this time and she said she would see my pressure drop to nothing and it freaked her out. It irritated me because I pretty much missed out on the birth of my baby and there was no need for them to let me get so bad. Recovery was pretty rough too. When they wheeled me out, I was so out of it, I couldn't see anything. My vision was completely jacked up. It was like looking at an old TV with scrambled stations. Of course, they didn't seem to care and someone offhandedly said something about me stroking out. This scared my mom because if there was a risk of me stroking, why didn't they do anything? Again, I was so out of it I couldn't hold my baby and I don't remember much of anything.

Then there was the medication issues. They ran out of beds in the maternity wing so I was put in a room in the pediatrics unit. I barely fit into the bed and was likely the only patient who *could* fit in those beds. Because I was in another unit, they routinely missed my medication times. I ended up having to time and set my alarm to go off every 4 hours so I could ring the button and remind them to get my meds. Most of the time I didn't get my meds until they wore off and left me in terrible pain. I don't like vicodin, it makes me feel really wonky and sick so with my first c-section I took percocet and ibuprofen. It was great. I had no pain and felt normal. Well, here they gave me the following options: Norco (vicodin), Tylenol 3 or ibuprofen. I settled on the T3 and advil. Needless to say that didn't offer too much in the way of total pain relief (who makes the patient choose their meds!?) but it was enough and at least I didn't feel too bad (when I could actually get my meds). Of course, not only did I have to remind them to get me the meds, but I always checked to make sure I was getting the right stuff. One time I was given something other than what I was taking and thankfully noticed and called the nurse. She tried to tell me I was wrong, but I made her check my chart and get me the right stuff. *eyeroll*

There was a significant amount of pain this time around and I really feel that it was because of inadequate medication and care. I got no sleep because they wouldn't take the baby out of the room. In some ways this is nice, but in others it was very hard. My pain management wasn't very good so getting out of bed was very painful and I had to get out of bed to reach the baby. I was still up and around after 8 hours (they wouldn't let me any sooner) and did my best to take strolls down the hallways, which was kind of hard because I had to push the baby in the bassinet. I ended up staying in the hospital for 3 days this time and went home Sunday morning. The doctor was going to let me go against her advise on Saturday, but she and my mom convinced me to stay another night so I wouldn't have to go home and deal with my 2 year old.

Now for the fun stuff. Baby girl weighed 9 lbs 1 oz, 21 inches and was the exact same weight and size as her big brother. How crazy is that? The doctor said that must be my max capacity lol. Shocked everyone in the OR (again lol) as the doctor pulled her out. Doctor said it was like the magician's trick of pulling out the continuous hanky. The baby just kept coming! Overall shock at how someone as slim as me could carry such a big baby. She also looks *exactly* like her brother. She is just now starting to look a little different, but it's not a big difference yet.

She will be 3 months on Nov 1 and is already smiling and laughing and can grab things and put them in her mouth. Big brother absolutely adores her and dotes on her. He brings her toys and covers her up with his blanket. He loves to help give her a bath and will put her tub in the big tub and fill it up. He even makes sure I don't put too much water in it lol. He is protective and very loving with her. She smiles at him and has started to laugh and interact with him. It's so adorable and I hope they stay close.

Chase and Cara

Labor Has Begun

2013-07-25T20:57:00.002-07:00

Well, it actually started on Tuesday but I sucked it up and thought I would wait it out until my Dr. Appt today. Except last night at 3 am I woke up sick to my stomach. And then the horrible water-like diarrhea every 20 mins. I seriously had no idea anyone could have that much water-poo. By 6 am I was miserable and kinda-sorta able to pinpoint the contractions which had increased in pain (I am a back laborer), so I decided to take my son to daycare and head to the hospital. All the way there I kept telling myself to turn around and just go to work until my Dr. Appt later that morning. But we kept going (my dad was with me) and ended up at the hospital.

Long morning & story short, I am having contractions which run about 5-6 mins apart but aren't too consistent. They aren't painful enough for the hospital to keep me, and at around 11 am I was only dilated to 1-1.5 cm. So I was sent on my merry way and I went to work to try and salvage my day. You see, I don't get maternity leave, so I (financially) need to work up until I have this kid. Yet, the doc basically orders me to bedrest until my scheduled c-section next week.

Apparently in hippy-dippy CA, they refuse to do c-sections until 39 weeks, unless your water breaks or you dilate enough to where the baby's head is basically hanging out. I was in Virginia when I had my son, and I began labor, just like I am now, at exactly 38 weeks. There, they said "oh, you're in labor, lets deliver the baby" whereas here in hippy-dippy California, they said "oh, you're in labor, but you're not at 39 weeks and you're not in enough pain yet. Suffer sucka." I am thoroughly annoyed that I now have to spend more than a week in labor before I can deliver this kid. It makes absolutely no effing sense to me at all that I should have to suffer through labor when I am supposed to have a scheduled c-section due to a previous section and the fear of uterine tearing. As if labor couldn't cause uterine trauma or tearing? Seems to me, that if labor has begun, the baby is ready. Especially mine who are humongous, and it's not like I'm premature or anything. At 38 weeks 2 days, I think it's safe to say the baby will be ok. She is also measuring at a minimum 8.5 lbs but will likely be over 9 like her brother was and maybe even closer 10 lbs depending on how long they make me suffer.

Holy crap my back freaking hurts and this (*&^%&$#* heartburn/acid reflux is just ridiculous. I am on prescription ranitidine for it, but sometimes it just doesn't help.

I really wanted to be able to avoid getting worn out and exhausted with labor before I go have major surgery. Not to mention having to deal with my 2 year old... I'm in for a long week ~sigh~

*edited to add that I have a c-section scheduled for next Thursday, Aug 1. I just have to make it until then.

Almost there!

2013-07-22T21:10:00.001-07:00

I will officially be at 38 weeks after tomorrow. I went into labor with Chase at 38 weeks and I know that things could start happening any minute now. I have this fear of my water breaking. Not that I would be embarrassed or anything, but I just don't want the inconvenience and the mess. I have yet to come up with a comfortable and suitable solution for protecting my bed. That is a major concern of mine. I do not want to ruin my bed with my water breaking. However, it is hotter than hell right now, my air conditioner can barely keep the house down to 80 and I cannot stand sleeping on waterproof bedding. It's like trying to sleep on plastic wrap. Sticky, sweaty and just yuck. I can barely get any sleep as it is with this awful reflux and RLS. So far I have tried laying some waterproof lap pads down just around the area my lower half rests, but I still wake up completely drenched in sweat and it's gross. Then I switched to laying down some bath towels under my mattress cover, but oddly enough, they don't breath very well either and make me sweat and they also bunch up and I have to tear my bed apart every night to straighten them out.

My c-section is scheduled for August 1 which is next Thursday so I suppose I will just suffer with the bath towels in my bed. It's the lesser of all the evils.

Next Thursday...Holy Crap!

Where have the months gone!?

2013-06-21T22:39:00.000-07:00

Almost every night I sit down at the computer, completely wiped out and muster just enough energy to skim through my emails and read a select 2 or 3 blogs. I always think that I'll just do a quick update, but I never manage to get it done.

Tonight, like all nights, I am typing this through bleary eyes so forgive any grammatical or spelling errors and what will probably be a choppy and disorganized post. I am also over being pregnant. Mind you, it is waaaaay to early for baby girl to make her appearance and I honestly don't want her to show up until her scheduled appointment on August 1. But yeeeesssshh.

I am now 33 weeks and 2 days along and I feel HUGE. I have gained just over 30 lbs all of which is in a tight, perfectly round ball in my belly. Pic from last weekend:

I feel huge and while I know I have no right to complain about anything (because I did this to myself), I am so effing tired. My legs hurt, my back is killing me, I haven't slept for more than 2 hours at a time for weeks. I have the most gawd awful GERD that sends me shooting upright in bed in the middle of the night so I don't aspirate on or spray acid everywhere. I wake up to charleyhorses in both calves every morning and sometimes I get them in my feet which is a new experience in torture. I am either constipated or have the most horrific diarrhea, so trips to the bathroom are now an annoyance. I can't sit comfortably for longer than 5-10 minutes and I am beyond annoyed at my clothing options (lack thereof). I spend ALL FREAKING DAY hiking up my pants. I can't wear anything with a panel because I'm so round, it just rolls down and I hate having something stretched across my skin in this heat. I have no earthly clue what to do about my wardrobe issues for the court trial I have to be in starting next week. I'm getting to the point where most of my tops don't cover my belly anymore. I'm supposed to be in a suit, but a) I don't have one and don't have the time (would have to have it specially tailored to fit my size 0 ass/hips) or $$ (hundreds of dollars) to shell out for one only to wear it for such a short amount of time; b) It's been in the 90s-100s and it's too damn hot to wear a suit. Also? I DO NOT WEAR DRESSES. EVER. I do not wear open toed shoes, flip flops or sandals. I HATE feet and find exposed feet and toes, not only inappropriate in the workplace, but totally unhygienic and dirty. My legs are sticks and I have horrible varicose veins now. I also can't bend over good enough to shave safely. Yeah...I could go on and on and on about the clothing frustrations, but I will spare you.

Having a willful and stubborn 2 year old who seems to be fighting some sort of snot virus every 2-3 weeks, which he always shares with me, has made this a lot tougher than I was expecting.

My house is a disaster, I have nothing done in preparation for baby girl's arrival. The kids' room (they will share for a while) is lucky to even have furniture in it, but there is absolutely no decoration or organization to be found in it though. I just don't have the time or energy. I get the laundry done, but it never gets folded or put away. The dishwasher gets run, but the dishes never get put away and the dirty ones stay in the sink until the washer is empty and the sink is full. If social services were to visit my home, they'd probably question my ability to handle two kids :`( I did manage to bleach out the bathtub tonight and spray the weeds in the front yard. I finally gave up mowing the yards today and had a friend's son do it. I just can't physically do it anymore. It's too much and too hot. What bothers me the most, is not being able to do things and knowing I should ask for help, but I just can't bring myself to do it. If I do imply or say something about maybe having some help with something, my mom, who is short on empathy and understanding, loves to twist that little thorn and say things like, "Well, I don't know how I managed with you and being pregnant with your sister. We all managed somehow, so can you." Which always makes me want to scream, "You didn't have to EVERYTHING and do it alone and work 50+ hours a week!" Which I know would lead to retorts about why didn't I just find a man and get married, which would then lead me to say something snide back about how my dad is a saint for putting up with her and yadda yadda yadda and feelings would get hurt (always mine) and nothing gets accomplished and I feel even more worthless and down about not being able to do everything.

That brings me to the panic about being able to manage two on my own. It's in full force. I try to remember that I won't be feeling this physically miserable and trying to handle them both. There will come a time when I will be able to bend over, carry things and pick things up. I will get back to being physically capable again. I will not be pregnant forever and that time is coming up quickly. VERY quickly. Like in 6 weeks at the latest. Probably earlier. OMG.

And now I need to go eat something.

Oh, and if one more person asks if I've thought about names, I AM GOING TO STRANGLE THEM. That has become a huge peeve of mine. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. For the record, I am not discussing names with ANYONE. I just don't feel like it. So there.

It's a...

2013-03-09T21:51:00.004-08:00

Today I am 18.5 weeks pregnant and I can't believe how fast the time is flying by. Having a toddler and a full time career really does keep me busy and I haven't been nearly as obsessive about the new baby as I was the first time around.

I seem to be bigger earlier this time around too. I took a belly picture a couple of days ago and compared it to the belly pictures from before and I seem to be about 4 weeks ahead. I hear that you show more and earlier with the second because your body has already been stretched. All I know is that I better snap back to normal quickly like I did before. I have also noticed that my boobs haven't gotten nearly as big as last time. Once I quit breastfeeding, they shrunk and were smaller than ever. I have gone up a bra size with this pregnancy, but I'm nowhere near as big as I was the first time. At least not yet.

I have started to transition Chase into a toddler bed so I can use the crib for the new baby. He's 20 months old now and I think it's time. He has resisted sleeping in it though and just wants to play on it. I think it's more to do with his dependence on routine. He has slept in his crib from the very beginning and that's his bed. He doesn't know or understand anything else. Tonight though, we drove home from Grandma & Grandpas house. It's about a 45 minute drive, so before we left, we did his nighttime routine and got him in his PJs (we always do this when we leave in the evening) and he fell asleep in the car at his normal night-night time. When we got home, I carried him in and put him in the toddler bed. He woke up but has so far stayed in the bed. We'll see how things go the rest of the night.

Baby has been super active and moves around a lot which is a great thing. It helps remind me to take it easy and to be careful when I'm doing stuff. This baby seems to be following the exact same pregnancy as Chase. Measuring almost a week ahead of due date, placenta previa, and positioned head down pressing on the placent, my cervix & bladder. Stinker.

Oh, and it's a girl. :D

Well...

2012-11-27T22:07:00.002-08:00

I'm pregnant. Again.

This all happened soooooo fast!

I can't seem to wrap my brain around it. I started POSing on 10DPO because I just knew I was pregnant. I have every symptom in the book, in addition to my dog acting completely bizarre. It was positive, but I took a test again on 11DPO and again the following morning. After 3 positives, I called the clinic and asked for a beta to be sure. They didn't want to do it because it was so early (this clinic makes their patients wait until 18DPO. Can you believe it!?), but I was not about to wait another week. I had to call them this afternoon to see if they had the results (how could they leave a poor girl hanging like that?) and what do ya know? Early beta is 111. I guess that's okay, right? They don't do a second beta which is a little disappointing.

I have my 6 week ultrasound on 12/12/12 at 12 noon. Funny ha! I think that's the day I'll tell my family.

Wow. PUPO.

2012-11-14T20:50:00.003-08:00

Things moved ridiculously fast. I wasn't expecting things to go this fast for TTC Baby#2. On Friday November 2nd I made the first appointment with the new RE for Dec 26. They called me on Monday night (Nov 5th), said they had a cancellation and asked if I could come in the next day. I went in the following day (Nov 6th, CD9) for the initial consultation and blood work. I also had an HSN (hysterosonogram) during the visit to check for any scar tissue from my c-section. It was clear so they sent me on my way with an ovidrel shot on order and told me to have my sperm shipped and to start peeing on OPKs. If I didn't get a positive OPK by CD15, call the office to set up a time for an ultrasound. By Friday, I had 2 vials of sperm at the office and on Saturday the ovidrel injection arrived.

CD15 was this past Monday (Nov 12) and I still had no positive OPK. Not surprising because my cycles are a few days longer than the average 28. When I went in for monitoring on Monday, they found a 20mm follicle ready to go. They sent me home and told me to take the trigger that night and scheduled IUI #1 for this morning.

I went in this morning at 8:55. I had good cervical mucus, an open cervix and the sperm had a great mobility count. IUI was done in about 2 mins, I waited for about 10 mins and was up and out of there by 9:15.

I can't even believe it. I wasn't expecting to even start trying until January! We'll see what happens after my 2WW.

OMG. I'm on a 2WW again. I'm not even going to think about it or POS unless I don't get my period by the 26th (12dpIUI). I'm almost scared to find out that I'm pregnant. I can't help feeling a little apprehensive. This is happening a lot sooner than I original planned or expected. I kind of feel like an ass for having just started at my new office and then running off and getting pregnant again.

Here we go again...

2012-11-02T22:43:00.001-07:00

So much has happened in the last couple of months!
- I (finally) got my transfer to the west coast. I bought a house, with a yard, planted a garden and now have friends and family nearby (my folks are asleep in the guest room right now). My new position at work is fantastic so far and things are going really well for me and I have been ridiculously happy lately.

- Chase is growing like a weed and is a full-grown 16 month old toddler. He's running around, busy as can be and talking up a storm. He's enormous too. He's wearing 24 month/2T clothes and he looks like he's about 2 years old. It makes me a little sad to see him so grown up already.

- Today I made my first appointment at the fertility clinic nearby to start on baby #2. I couldn't get in for the initial consultation until Dec 26th (crazy!) but what can you do? I know it sounds ridiculous and picky, but I really would prefer to have the new baby born in either the spring/summer. Maybe even early Fall. This means that I either needed to start TTC in October, Nov or Dec which obviously isn't going to happen, or I wait until June. My biggest reasons are to prevent birthdays from happening on major holidays and getting the kid into kindergarten before they hit the cutoff date. I have a friend whose boy doesn't turn 5 until Nov 4th (cutoff is age 5 by Nov 1st) so he has to wait another year before he can start school. He will be the biggest and oldest kid in his class, and she has to pay for yet another year of expensive daycare/preschool. I just would like to avoid that particular annoyance.

- I am hoping to do my first IUI in January which would put my due date sometime around October 21st, which would work out well. It has me off for maternity leave during the fall/winter which is when all the holidays are. I don't have hardly any time off left from having Chase so I will have to take a lot of leave-without-pay and if I can get some paid holidays in the mix, it would help. If an IUI in January doesn't work, then I'm not sure if I would wait out a couple of cycles to avoid a holiday birth or not. We'll see.

Long overdue

2012-03-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry, I've been meaning to post for awhile now, but every time I sit down at the computer to start one, it's so late and I'm usually so tired I can't focus.

I do read up on everyone's blogs so I have been keeping tabs on you all, I just haven't had the time or energy to comment.

Baby is doing very well and is the best baby ever. He's crawling, standing up and creeping across the furniture. He's been dabbling in solid foods and self-feeding and seems to like everything except peas. Daycare is still super-annoying. He's on antibiotics for the 4th time (I think? I've lost count), but he's a happy sick baby, so that's something at least.

I'm still unhappy at work and have been trying my damnedest to get back home to my family. Nothing has come through yet, but I am still holding out hope for something by the end of the year.

I have already started having thoughts about baby #2, but just don't know how I could do it here. It's pretty definite that I will have to wait until I move home and am closer to my parents, family and friends. I just could not afford daycare here and I find that with Chase, I often wish I had three or four hands. I can't imagine how it would be with two babies. Would I be wishing for 6 or 8 hands?

Anyway, it's now an hour past my intended bedtime so off I go!

I need a money tree

2012-01-15T19:10:00.000-08:00

Last night was rough. Mr. Hot Potato thought he needed to sleep attached to my boob All.Night.Long. Stinker. This morning he woke up with a fever of 101 and about 30 minutes later it was up to 103 so I gave him some tylenol and headed out to find an urgent care open on Sundays.

We ended up going to the one we went to on Weds and this time they believed me when I said he was sick and burning up. They didn't open until 11 so we ended up waiting for an hour in the car. By the time we were seen, it had been 2.5 hours since I had given him the tylenol and his fever was still at 103. So, the doctor gave us a sheet and sent us to the pediatric ER.

They did a chest x-ray and ran a catheter to check for UTI. Chest was clear, but his urine was not and after spending about 5 hours in the ER, we came home with more antibiotics. I greatly fear the bills from all of this.

In summary, after his first week at daycare, my poor little baby has come down with an ear infection, strep throat and a UTI. W.T.F.

Wits end is where I'm at

2012-01-14T21:58:00.000-08:00

He was much better & fever-free Thurs-Friday, but his appetite hasn't come back. Then tonight he wasn't feeling good and had a 101.3 fever. I gave him some tylenol and put him to bed. I just checked on him, it's about 5 hours later and he's burning up. Fever at 101.6, so I gave him infant advil. I just don't know what else to do and "give him tylenol/advil" seems to be the advice du jour, but I just feel like he should be better now that he's had 5 days of antibiotics. I am concerned about his cough/breathing. I know it's not whooping cough, but he just sounds so congested and I feel like he doesn't seem to be able to breathe quite right.

I'm going to break the rules and go get him and let him sleep with me in my bed.

Back to work? Just kidding...

2012-01-11T16:13:00.000-08:00

So Tuesday morning he woke up burning up. I gave him some infant advil and debated about keeping him home and taking him to the doctor as soon as they opened which wasn't until 9am. Since I have to be at work at 7, I thought I'd just take him to daycare (the advil covering the fever) and see how the day went. At about 9:30 I called the daycare to check on him and they said he wasn't feeling well at all. So I called the pediatrician and made a 10:30 appointment and left work to go pick him up. I figured this way, I still got a couple of hours in and I could get ahead of any illness and get him on antibiotics early enough to take him into daycare today. The doctor did a throat culture on him and said it came back as negative, but he had an ear infection so I got the antibiotics and we spent yesterday afternoon snoozing together in bed. All went as planned until this afternoon.

Well, the daycare called this afternoon at about 3 to tell me that he had a fever of 103 and that I needed to come get him immediately. So I called the pediatrician’s office and the nurse there says she was about to call me because his throat culture came out of the incubator positive for strep. Of course, there were no doctors in there so she said to give him some tylenol immediately and then go to an urgent care and get myself checked too because I likely have strep too. When we got to the urgent care, of course he was his usual happy self and they didn’t think anything looked wrong but I insisted they take his temp and it was still 101. They were shocked that for as sick and snotty as he is how happy he seemed. They didn’t really “see” him though but said that the antibiotics I started him on yesterday may take 48 hours or so to really kick in and to keep giving him tylenol in the meantime to keep the fever down. They looked me over and took a throat culture and gave me a prescription for some antibiotics. They said they’d call with the results of the culture on Saturday. I guess there is a quick culture which the pediatrician did yesterday that isn’t as accurate or only tests for certain strains, and the other strains take some time to check. Whatever the case may be, we’re sick, and now I have to miss even more work.

One week

2012-01-09T17:51:00.000-08:00

One week into daycare and he comes home today with a fever and snot. Fan-fucking-tastic. We took a shower/bath and sat in the steam for awhile but his fever ended up climbing to 101.3. I'm dreading tomorrow. I gave him some infant advil and now he's out like a light. Hopefully tomorrow he's better and the daycare won't make me come get him. I need to go read their policy about fevers and such. The administrator (who drives a nice, shiny new Mercedes UGH.) told me that he had a very mild fever this afternoon, but that he seemed fine and his carer didn't think I needed to come get him. Whew. She mentioned that with a higher fever I'd have to take him to the doctor (yet another stinkin copay which makes 6 so far and it's adding up) to get a form (which the doctor charges an additional $10 to fill out) saying that he's not contagious. Whatever. For the exorbitant amount of money I pay that damn place ($1500 a month) and all their stupid policies, which clearly don't work since that's where he picked up this crud, I wish they'd cut me some slack. I don't have the time off to take yet. I haven't even been back a full pay period yet to earn some hours of leave.

And of course, my throat has started to get sore which means I soon will be fighting snot and congestion myself and since I'm bf-ing I can't take anything to help. Yay.

6 Months...where'd the time go?

2012-01-02T15:03:00.000-08:00

I can't believe my time is up and I have to go back to work tomorrow and leave my baby in daycare. I can't even think about it anymore. UGH!

Back to my hellish 10+ hours a day job with the jerks and mean people. No transfer in sight and I can't even tell you how many hours of sleep I have lost worrying about having to work weekends and holidays with no childcare available. I don't even know what I will do. I need to find a good way to refuse without pissing my bosses off (probably not possible). But I WILL NOT go two weeks or more without a day at home with my baby. I don't know what the answer is and in this economy the job prospects aren't good. I've been looking.

Also, I'm really not looking forward to having to pump three times a day at work. I have an office, but making/finding the time is going to be difficult. Especially with the misogynistic jerks around. But then again, I guess I really don't give a crap. If I need to pump, I need to pump and I'll walk out of meetings if I have to.

1 year

2011-10-21T00:17:00.000-07:00

It was one year ago today that I had my second IUI which resulted in my BFP with Chase. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. Today also marks the first time he sat up by himself. I usually recline him back into the boppy next to me while I check email or watch tv, but today he decided that he didn't want to recline and pulled himself up into a sitting position. So, I plopped him in his bumbo seat and he sat in it, big as he pleased, kicking his feet and jabbering and drooling all over himself. My baby is getting so big :`(

He is a stubborn one too. Cereal time with a bottle is a daily battle of the wills and usually takes him about an hour of goofing around with it before he relents and takes it. Funny thing is, if I take the bottle away and say "ok, you must not be hungry" he fusses loudly. Stinker.

We had the appointment with the GI specialist about his reflux last week but didn't get much out of it except a prescription for prevacid. The prevacid isn't doing much either (he threw up quite a bit of milk today) but then he probably isn't getting too much of it because he does everything he can to not let me put the dropper in his mouth, then he spits it out. It's a liquid and the pharmacist had to mix it. After I turned in the script, they called and said I couldn't pick it up for two hours because they had to mix and watch it. Whatever that means. Anyway, I get it and it's sodium bicarbonate mixed with lansoprazole. Yum. No flavoring or anything and if the faces he makes are any indication, it's utterly disgusting. I'm about to scrap the whole thing and just deal with the vomiting. He hasn't had any of the weird spazzing spells lately and I'm hoping he's just grown out of that. But then again, maybe the medicine is working...I don't know.

He has his 4 month check up next week and it will be interesting to see what his stats are then. I don't think the nurse there does a very accurate job of measuring him. We'll see how they compare with what we got at the GI specialist office, 16lbs 4oz, 26.5 inches tall.

13 weeks/3 months

2011-10-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

Chase is 3 months old already and I just can't believe how fast the time has gone by. Every night when we get ready for bed I look at the clock and think, "where did the day go!?" Of course, sleeping in until 10am will skew your days for you, but what can I say? He's an awesome baby. He goes to bed around 10:45pm and sleeps until 9am - 10am. I have been staying up pretty late, doing things like paying bills, checking emails, working on my job applications (trying to get back home to my family) so I need that late morning sleep. Sometimes I have to go in and get him up so he won't sleep the day away (he must get that from me) or because I'm so engorged I wake up with milk running along my chest and neck. Sometimes I think he wakes up and entertains himself in his crib before nodding off again. One morning I was spying on him with the video monitor and I caught him rolling around in his crib, laughing and sucking on his fingers. Either way, he doesn't fuss or anything. He rarely cries, and is pretty clear in his communications with me. His reflux is still an issue though, and at our 3 month checkup Friday the pediatrician gave us a referral to a GI specialist but the damn appointment isn't until mid Nov and I'm trying to get an earlier one. He definitely isn't losing any weight or having developmental issues, but the constant spitting up, projectile vomiting and weird choking spells have me pretty concerned.

He HATES tummy time with a passion and I find myself not wanting to do it. Partly because of the reflux and because I hate getting him so upset. It takes a while to calm him down and it just doesn't help the vomiting. It is a little funny watching him get so mad though. He just lays there face down, kicks his feet, pounds on the floor with his fists and chews on the blanket while angrily hollering. He is sooooo close to rolling over from back to front and he definitely can hold his head up and sit in his booster chair and bumbo seat for a while though so I keep telling myself it's okay to not be crazy about doing tummy time everyday.

The doc told me I could start him on cereal which would help with the reflux. It makes me sad though because he's growing so fast, and I didn't want to start solids until he was around 5 months or so. Anyway, we went to the store and got some cereal and spoons. I could put it in a bottle, but he doesn't like bottles (gotta work on that) so I thought we'd try a spoon. Yesterday I mixed up some runny cereal and I fed him while he was in his carrier. We'd just walked the dog and I thought it would better for his digestion to be inclined a bit. He ate from the spoon like he’s been doing it all his life and even opened wide for me. He seemed to like it and had a good time. I skipped it today to give his digestive system time to adjust. We'll probably have some tomorrow because it did seem to lessen the amount of spit up afterwards.

I haven't decided when to go back to work. I keep putting off contacting the daycare center, but I know I really need to. I need to find out where we are on the waitlist, as that will determine a lot of things. Right now, I can take the rest of the year, but that leaves my sick leave and vacation leave balances at next to -0- which is not good with an infant. I just really don't want to go back to work here. I am trying for a position back home, and PRAY that I get something soon and can just move back there before I have to go back to the office here. My chances for the two jobs I put in for are pretty slim though. Not much I can do on that but wait. I know I really should go back to work after this month and save my leave, but it just breaks my heart. I fall more and more in love with him everyday (I didn't even think that was possible) and I can't bear the thought of putting him in daycare for so many hours a day. I can't go part time (daycare doesn't do part time and the job won't allow it) and financially I have no choice but to do the daycare center. ~sigh~The things we go through...

His 3 month stats:
15.75 lbs and 25.75 inches long

Sweetness overload

New booster chair

First cereal

Wipe my face!

7 weeks

2011-08-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

I just can't believe how fast time is flying by. I have been meaning to write and I have been checking Shannon's blog everyday for news about her and Finn. That whole situation is absolutely terrifying to me and I think of them often. [Chase is awake and fussing. BRB.]

An hour later...

He has been a little stubborn about going to bed. He falls asleep after some weak fussing but then wakes up after 15-20 mins and starts seriously fussing and wanting to nurse, but he really just wants to suckle himself to sleep. He doesn't want to have anything to do with the pacifier anymore and prefers my nipple. I let him nurse one last time and then put him back to bed and he usually sleeps anywhere from 4-6 hours.

He is getting so big. We have his 8 week appointment next week and will get his stats then, but I think he's over 13 pounds (according to my scale) and I sure feel the weight. He's heavy! He has problems pooping and passing gas and spends a good part of the mornings grunting, straining and kicking his legs. I massage his stomach and bicycle his legs for him and he poops several diapers throughout the day, mostly in the late morning. He doesn't seem to be in any pain and often just sleeps through it but he does tend to get frustrated. I'm told this is just because his system is so new that it hasn't gotten the hang of things yet. He also has started to projectile vomit on occasion. He did it once when he was about 4 weeks old and then again a couple of nights ago and then again this afternoon. We're talking shooting about 3 oz of milk clear across the room exorcist style. It's probably because he keeps using my boob as a pacifier and ends up getting way more milk than he needs. He's definitely not losing any weight so I don't think it's anything to be concerned about, but I do plan on asking the pediatrician about it next week.

I think he is finally asleep for the night so I am going to hit the hay myself.

26 days old

2011-07-26T07:19:00.000-07:00

Time is flying by!

Things are going well. Chase is doing very well and growing fast. He's a big boy and eats a lot! He's a good baby and really only fusses when he's hungry (and wants his food NOW) and pooping. Sometimes he has a hard time pooping and really strains and fusses. I've been giving him gripe water for the gas and tummy troubles and I think it seems to calm him down some.

My dad flew in last week and this past weekend my mom went back home. I have had a really hard time with her leaving. She was much more help and I needed/need her more than I expected. I have dad with me for the next two weeks so that's really nice. Mom and I are not so great in the kitchen so meal time was a little difficult, but that's where dad comes in. He's been making me some really nice meals and helping out with the dishes and washing pump parts which is a neverending chore.

I had a root canal last week that necessitated taking several medications and my research led me to think that I shouldn't feed Chase breastmilk within several hours of popping my pills. The dentist gave me vicodin (which I haven't taken) and Prednisone which I needed to take. I BF during the early morning hours, pump in between to try to build a supply, take my pills around 2pm, pump and throw out my milk from 2pm until 10pm and then supplement his feedings with formula if I have to. It's a lot of work, but thankfully this kid is such a chow hound he doesn't give a rat's ass what he's eating or how it's given to him; boob, bottle, formula, milk, he doesn't care and just wants his fill.

His chord stump finally fell of this morning. YAY! That darn thing was gross and annoyingly in the way. We had a diaper blow-out yesterday and I had to give him a bath (he hates them) which is much harder to do with a fussy, squirmy baby while trying to avoid and keep the chord dry.

We have his one month check up on Friday and I can't wait to see how big and tall he is.
His stats so far:
Birth - 9lbs 1oz, 21 inches
4 days - 8lbs 7oz
8 days - 9lbs
14 days - 9lbs 13oz, 21 3/4 inches (95% & 90% respectively)

Pictures I took after his feeding yesterday morning.

Quickie

2011-07-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

Chase is now 5 days old and doing wonderfully. He is so darn cute I can't stand it. Chubby cheeks and a full head of super-soft hair. We had our first pediatrician appointment today and he's doing well. A little jaundiced but nothing to be concerned about.

Breastfeeding is going okay. At first it was unbearable because he is a chomper and likes to bite down and I have super-sensitive nipples. I have done a lot of bleeding and scabbing over (yes I have been using the lanolin cream religiously and that does seem to help) but my milk came in last night full force and I have been able to feed him and pump the remaining for relief. He is very active with his hands and likes to push and pull and grab my boob when I'm trying to get him to latch. Once he does latch, it's usually good, but we have been having a little problem with him using my boob as a pacifier. He likes to suckle for a little bit but then falls asleep. I tickle his cheek or his feet and then he'll suckle a little more before nodding off again. The doc called this snacking, and that's about all he wants to do which isn't so good. He does take the bottle with breastmilk a little less lazily, but still likes to snooze during feedings. Doc said to take his clothes off and not make him so comfortable and he should get down to business a little better.

The first night we were home (I was only in the hospital for 48 hours) was terrible. He literally cried from the time we put him in the car seat until 9am the following morning. No sleep at all. The following night was much better and he actually slept in between feedings and diaper changes. Last night was awesome and he sleep for about 4 hour increments. Of course, my boobs were about to explode before each feeding but the sleep was great. We'll see how tonight goes.

Weight stats; I ended up gaining 32 lbs and weighed 142 when I checked into the hospital. Today I weighed myself at the pediatrician's office and I'm at 126. My appetite is still going full-force and I'm eating quite well. TMI: I still have not pooped since checking into the hospital, but I'm not going to worry about it until I feel uncomfortable. I am taking stool softeners so it probably won't be too much longer until I have to pay my toilet a long visit. My incision looks great and will probably not leave too much of a scar. I also don't have any stretch marks. How lucky am I?

Pics:

Surprise!

2011-07-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

Well guess who decided he didn't want to wait until his scheduled delivery appointment date and time? Yep, baby Chase is here and I am doing wonderfully.

Short version:
I woke up with different contractions on Thursday morning and figured that since I had a dr. Appointment that afternoon, I could wait until then and mention the change in braxton-hicks and the added back pain. I have to admit that I had a sneaky suspicion that it was labor, but I kept telling myself he was two weeks early.

I go to the appointment and doc says, "I think you're in labor", does a cervix check (OW!) and concludes that I was at 3cm. She sends me on my way to the hospital and baby Chase was delivered via c-section at 8:30 that night.

Oh, and he weighed 9lbs 1oz and was 21 inches long.

24 Days to go!

2011-06-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

The countdown is getting serious now! And I am getting seriously rotund around the middle and having a darn hard time with my clothes (as is evident in my photo from tonight). This week someone (a guy on the elevator) asked if I was having twins and then he thought about it and asked if anyone has asked me that. I said nope, that he was the first of what is sure to be many in the coming weeks. I also had some random foreign lady reach out and rub my belly while I was getting my almost-daily slurpee at 7-11. It was hard not to kick her in the shins for doing it. I don't care if people I know want to cop a feel, but random foreign strangers? No thank you. Seriously? What is wrong with people?

I am having a hard time picking out a name. One of the names in my top 3 and the one I liked the best is/was Chase. I keep changing my mind about the names, but the one and only issue I have with Chase is that my sister named my newest nephew Chance and it's already screwing up my poor parents. I have been discussing names with my mom and dad from the beginning, but my sister refused to discuss potential names for my nephew. My mom has been voting for Chase for my son from the beginning, is okay with one of the other three names (but I have two issues with that name) and neither one of my parents likes the last of my three. I know I shouldn't care what any of them think/say or like about the names, but I feel like it's important and I want the input. But I admit, I have to think for a second before I say Chance's name because Chase wants to come out first, and since they'll only be about 3 months apart in age, I can see it being a lifetime of name mix-up in the family. I'm irritated with my sister over this because I just knew we would pick the same if not similar names, we did it with my first nephew too but I wasn't preggo then so no biggie. I have a feeling she'll be pretty irked with me if I name him Chase. Darn her but I'm inclined to not give a crap.

Tonight's photo: Yes, those are Care Bear pajamas.

Getting Closer!

2011-05-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

I think I'm past that 30 week freakout, thank goodness. I'm nearly 34 weeks along now and it's going by so fast. My mom will be here in 4 weeks and my c-section is scheduled in 5 weeks. Let's just hope my little man stays put until then. He is sitting head down and extremely low in my pelvis and sometimes it's hard for me to sit down for fear of cricking his neck. He continues to move around quite ferociously and it's funny to see people watching my stomach get that look of horror as he makes it contort into weird shapes.

Work has settled down (I think) for now and something seems to have changed around the office. I've been treated a lot better lately and was even given the option to stay on nights with the skeleton crew if I want. I know at first thought that sounds awful, but it's actually good for me. The only time little one lets me sleep is in the early-morning hours, from about 5 or 6 to about 10am, so I have been getting some decent sleep. Also, not coming into the office until 2pm allows me to miss all the morning crazy and meetings and general running-around-chaos. I get a couple of hours of overlap (and the day's craziness is usually calmed down by then) and then it's all quiet from about 7pm until I go home at midnight. During that time, no one bothers me, I can get stuff done and keep my feet up most of the time. I have been trying to get a bunch of performance reviews done and other admin crap that will be due when I'm out so that quiet time has been really nice. The schedule also allows me to get all my appointments and odd errands done in the late mornings without having to worry about sneaking out of the office. Now, if we can start having weekends again things will be about as good as I could hope for.

I am quite round now lol (my big belly dwarfs my lovely D-cups!) but I haven't gained an ounce anywhere else but in the belly. I'm still wearing my pre-pregnancy undies. I actually went out and bought some granny panties for afterwards, but they are too baggy. It seems my hips haven't budged an inch (not complaining!), which makes me even more grateful that I went ahead and scheduled the c-section. He is measuring too big (a full week ahead of his dates!) and I'm just not up for hours and hours of labor to end with a c-section anyway.

A belly picture from 32 weeks:

Approaching 30 weeks

2011-04-30T18:52:00.002-07:00

This week I reach 30 weeks and I feel like I'm slowly losing it. The fear and panic of "what the hell have I done?" are starting to get to me. Work has been nothing but a nightmare with all the drama, assholes, long hours and weekend work. I don't know what I'm going to do if this continues after the baby comes. I can't work 12 hour days everyday and through weekends. I'll be damned if I'm going to have my baby in care every single day. Even if I only work 1 or 2 weekends a month, I'll still only get 4-6 days a month at best with my baby. What kind of life is that? They preach all the live long day about how family comes first but it's utter bullshit. The minute you say "I can't..." you lose face and any bit of respect you may have. That's one of the many downsides to the "good ol' boys" club. Then there's the "so what? Just because you're pregnant shouldn't mean you can't carry those boxes. Suck it up and quit complaining." I can't even talk about what happened when I inquired (after a fire drill) about the emergency evacuation procedures for people who can't climb 6 flights of stairs, without getting worked up and angry. I was given the eyeroll treatment and berated for "asking for special treatment." Then there's the enormous asshat who literally screamed at me, rattled off every beef, issue and complaint he had about me (he also threw in the "if you were male...." which bothers me so much I can't even explain) then called me an asshole (?) for making a snide remark when he shut a door (which requires badging and a combo) in my face as I was carrying a heavy box into the office last week. This was after I was sent to the warehouse (with bio-hazard in it) and told to retrieve some boxes off tall shelving. I am at my wits end at work. I have no recourse. If I file formal complaints, it would just make things so much worse for me. It's a temporary condition and I have to come back to work after I have my baby and will likely need any ounce of understanding I can get for those sick days and daycare issues. If I destroy my reputation by making formal complaints now, I'm doomed later and I will have NO hope of getting a transfer closer to home. But how can I get them to understand that it has nothing to do with me, that it's about keeping my baby safe and healthy?

I laid in bed, wide awake yesterday morning at 4 in full panic about work. I keep thinking that I need a different job, but the economy is so bad right now, I have absolutely no marketable skills and I can't afford a pay cut. Not to mention I have 13 years towards a pretty good retirement (granted, with 18 to go but still..) and most, if not all private sector employers no longer offer retirement packages and it would be terrible to let those years go to waste. I have pretty crappy benefits, but my health care is pretty good and it would suck to lose that. Ugh.

Then there's my dog issues. The testing I had run this past week all came back normal. This is good, but it's also bad because we still don't know what's wrong and I now need to take her for an ultrasound ($$) to check for the more serious possibilities. I have to work this weekend so today and tomorrow are out and I have my own ultrasound appointment next week and I can't take any time off. It's all so crazy. I'm desperately hoping for some time off next weekend (it's my birthday too) so it may have to wait until then. Just what I want to spend my birthday doing :`(

I have been so exhausted lately. It's bad enough that I can't hardly sleep, but everything else piling on has just wiped me out. So I am going to go to bed now and try to get some sleep.

Stress

2011-04-25T16:17:00.000-07:00

I am approaching 29 weeks already. I can't believe how fast time is flying. The c-section has been scheduled, mom and dad have booked their flights and while there are still quite a few things I still need, I do have everything that's important to have in the first week.

Of course now things are starting to go awry elsewhere in my life. Mainly with my beloved dog. I rescued her on my birthday almost 6 years ago (it'll be 6 years in two weeks) so she's somewhere between 7-8 years old. I took her for her annual physical and all her shots this weekend and the vet informed me that she's obese. Now, I know she's overweight and it's been a battle we have struggled with for years, but she just seems to be putting weight on no matter what I do. Special foods, no goodies, NEVER table scraps, more exercise (although not as much as I'd like her to have) and she still adds on a few pounds every year to where she's now about 10-15 lbs overweight. This vet (new to the practice) ran some bloodwork and one of her liver enzymes came back through the roof indicating some kind of liver disease. I am devastated. I know it's early and I have to take her to the vet in the morning for some more tests, but I just can't help feeling so scared and unbelievably sad. I keep trying to tell myself that there's a good chance that whatever it is, we caught it early and hopefully it will be treatable, but I can't bear the thought of losing my fur-baby.

Then there's the money issue. I spent $650 for all the shots, the check up, the bloodwork and her heartworm preventative this weekend and will incur another $300 tomorrow for the tests. Then she will likely need an ultrasound sometime this week which the vet said will run another $400 if they don't have to do anything else. Ironic that I tried to get doggie insurance last year and the insurance denied her coverage because they thought something in her bloodwork was off. At the time the vet's office brushed it off and said it wasn't abnormal or anything to be concerned about. I have been so upset all day and I know it's NOT good for the baby. ~sigh~ it's always something going haywire in life. Things can't ever be easy can they?