Simply Me

Bad Day with a Stupid Chair

2015-05-27T08:46:00.000-05:00

It’s going to be one of those damn days. I can already feel it. My pain level is high and I can’t seem to turn my brain on today. I’m about to throw my desk chair out of the window. It has to be the most uncomfortable chair in the world. Not only is it uncomfortable, but it makes these very loud strange noises every time I move. It’s quite distracting.

I’m hoping if I keep typing something meaningful might flow out, but I don’t think it’s going to happen this morning. I just can’t seem to get functioning today. It’s dark and dreary here, with more rain on the way, so I just want to go back to bed.

I hope everyone is functioning better than me! Be brilliant!

It Could Always Be Worse

2015-05-26T14:24:00.000-05:00

I’ve been going through a lot of crap lately, but it could be worse. I try to always remember that when folks are testing my patience and my illnesses are on my last nerve. It’s hard sometimes though, because I’m human and I have my faults. When I get tired, I’m tired and the next big thing or sometimes even something small can push me right over the edge. It’s not pretty when I flip out either. I’m pretty sure I look like someone who should be locked up in a psych ward in the middle of nowhere during these moments.

I dwell on things and stress myself out over nothing. Small humps often become huge mountains in my world. I’m going to have to learn to change my thinking before I drive myself and those around me insane. I believe that would be very beneficial to my health, but changing is never easy. Maybe I’ll figure it out one of these days.

I hope everyone is having an awesome day/night wherever you may be! Be brilliant!

Piano Tuesdays

2013-12-03T21:31:00.002-06:00

I've wanted to learn how to play the piano for a long time now. I don't know how to read music but I do know which keys are what. I just can't seem to get my memory and my hands to all work together at the same time. My main problem is that I don't spend enough time on it and I get discouraged too easily. Around here Mondays are a day to rant about whatever and Tuesdays will be all about playing the piano. I will also set aside this day every week to practice. If you know how to play the piano please post whatever tips you may have to help those of us who are trying to learn. I'll update everyone on my progress and if you're learning too please let us know how you're doing. What do you love about it and what is driving you crazy?

We shall see how this goes! Be brilliant!

Today I'm Angry About...

2013-12-02T07:00:00.000-06:00

I've never liked the idea of ranting about my life and letting the whole world read about it. I see it on Facebook every day and some things that people say make me shutter. It just amazes me how much people will divulge about themselves and their lives on the internet. I admit that I've written a couple of posts and an article that could be considered ranting, but it took me days to actually post or publish them on the internet. I thought about every ramification it could cause before I went through with it. I'm a naturally happy person. I'm optimistic and always try to see the good in everything, but I'm human and I do get angry...real angry. I don't like being angry and I don't want the world to know about it when I am. I see it as my own personal struggle, but I've decided to try something out for a while. Around here, Mondays will be known as Rant Day. Most people despise Mondays anyway so I thought it was fitting. I'll rant about what is pissing me off and I hope that my few faithful readers will feel comfortable enough to share what is pissing them off as well.

So here we go...Today I'm pissed off because so many people take too much for granted. Their lives could be ten times easier, but they choose to make things difficult by making horrible decisions over and over. I understand that you learn from your mistakes, but at some point there should be more lessons learned than mistakes made. Some people just don't get that. All I can do is to continue to live my life the way I've learned to do through the mistakes I've made and hope that some day these people will do the same. When the life your living starts threatening your life, then it's time to make a change.

Even through the anger and frustration---Don't forget to be brilliant!

Relationships and Stress

2013-10-28T13:32:00.000-05:00

Life has been a bit more stressful lately, but there is still no place where I’d rather be than right here with the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. Stress has the ability to destroy relationships if it’s not dealt with and stress is everywhere. The bills are piling up, work sucks and someone is always sick…that’s just a few that many people experience on a regular basis. If you and your significant other don’t work as a team then stress will lead to constant fighting and eventually it will completely unravel your relationship before you even realize what’s happening.

It’s important to always communicate about everything. Even if it seems insignificant to you, your significant other may feel more strongly about it…so talk about it. Make plans together on how to deal with the stressors your facing. Sometimes it’s easier to shut yourself off from the world when the stress is too much. Don’t do it! It will make your significant other feel alone and start breaking down the family dynamic. This will only cause more stress.

Stress can’t be avoided, but there are many ways to reduce it. Talk it out, make a plan and take steps to fix what’s wrong. Avoiding it will only make it bigger. I hope everyone is having a great day/night. Keep on keeping on and don’t forget to be brilliant!

Lilfe is Short

2013-04-20T22:50:00.000-05:00

The past week has been one of the most stressful in my entire life. My illnesses have been in overdrive and one of my best friends in the entire world passed away suddenly and totally unexpectedly. I feel like my world has been going in slow motion. I’m just trying to keep moving forward even though nothing really makes sense to me right now. Thank God for my awesome boyfriend, who has done everything he can do to keep me going!

I apologize for what I’m about to say, but life is a bitch sometimes. I can’t censor that. Despite the sadness I’m feeling right now, I still believe everything happens for a reason though. Life goes on, even when you sometimes wish it would just stop, even just for a moment so you can catch up.

Life is short so be brilliant while you still have the chance!

Finding Inner Peace and Strength

2013-03-13T20:29:00.000-05:00

We strive to find inner peace and strength, but most of us will never find it. We are too busy letting stress take over our lives. Instead of taking one day at time, we let ourselves get overwhelmed by what we have to do today, tomorrow, next week and even next month. On top of that we constantly worry about how others perceive us. All of these negative things overcome us and we forget about all the positive things that are happening around us. If we only seek to find the negative things, then this is all we will find. We can choose to be miserable and to hate life or we can choose to embrace it and find the good things in life and to learn not to dwell on the bad things that will inevitably happen. We can’t control everything that happens around us, but we can control how we respond to these things. Life is full of surprises. We can choose to roll with the punches or we can sit in a corner and wait to die. Personally, I’m going to roll with the punches. If life is going to take me down, then I’m going to go down fighting.

Please Forgive Me!

2013-03-07T16:38:00.002-06:00

Holy hell I haven't been here in a while. I'm so ashamed! I've decided that I’m going to stop complaining and feeling bad for not writing and just start writing again. So the next few days I’m going to write about anything and everything just to get myself back to the writing mentality I used to have. Writing is my life and I haven’t been living. It’s been like my brain got stuck in the off position and every time I thought about writing all I could see was a black wall of nothing. I don’t know if it’s because of the pain or if something else is going on in my head, but it has to stop. You can’t fulfill your dreams by sitting on your butt, watching a million episodes of Law & Order. All that gets you is a sore butt and wicked nightmares…really wicked nightmares!

I hope everyone has been more brilliant than I have for the last few months! Have an awesome day/night!

Bad Choices

2012-11-23T16:51:00.002-06:00

Life is about choices. Every choice we make creates the lives we live. In the last 32 years of my life I have made a lot of choices. Some of them were good ones and a lot of them were bad, but they have created the life I’m living now and I can’t complain. The good choices brought a lot of happiness, while the bad choices taught me how to fight and survive. Looking back on the bad choices now I can’t say that I regret any of them. I made those choices for a reason and even though they made my life harder back then, they have made my life something worth living now. I could’ve died becomes of some of those choices, but I’m still here and I’m stronger than ever. That’s all that matters to me.

So many people like to dwell on and judge a person because of their past and it makes me angry. No one is perfect and I for one don’t pretend to be. We all have pasts, but the beauty of it is that we all have futures and that’s what counts. Leave the past behind and make the future the best it can be. Keep in my mind that if you’re judging someone based on their past, then there’s something in your past that you regret. You should focus on that and stop worrying about other people.

What bad choices have you made that have made you who you are today? Are there any that you regret? I hope everyone is having an awesome Friday! Don’t forget to be brilliant!

My Popsicle Addiction

2012-09-27T22:30:00.001-05:00

I’m sitting here waiting on my popsicles to freeze and I’m getting very impatient. Yes I admit I have an addiction to those little frozen pieces of heaven…especially the grape ones.

I eat them one after another all day long, but it’s not just because I love them. I constantly feel hot and dehydrated so my frozen treats help me get through the day. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. They’re super sweet. I probably should switch to a different kind, before my glucose levels go through the roof.

Does anyone else have weird addictions? I know I’m not the only one. I hope everyone is having an awesome day/night. Don’t forget to be brilliant!

Faith, Hope, Love and Grape Popsicles

2012-09-25T23:48:00.000-05:00

I’ve been struggling with my health issues, but other than that things couldn’t be better. I’m getting my life back on track and I’m so happy about the future. Faith, hope and love...I finally have all three. My biggest goal right now is to get back on a regular writing schedule. Ha ha how many times have I said that before? Yeah I know I deserve a swift kick in the ass, but you know how life tends to happen when you least expect it. There’s no excuse except for…eh there’s no excuse. All the time I spend trying to justify not writing, I could be writing.

Well it’s getting late and I have other things to write so this post is going to have to be short, but you can look forward to my next post about my addiction to popsicles…especially the grape ones. Yes I’m eating one right now…don’t judge me.

Hope everyone is having an awesome night/day! Don’t forget to be brilliant!

My Crazy Life

2012-09-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

Oh my crazy life. I never know where I’m going to be or what I’m going to be doing from one crazy moment to the next. Sometimes it’s crazy fun with people I love and sometimes it’s crazy pain that knocks me on my ass and sometimes it’s just a whole lot of crazy that no one understands. To be perfectly honest I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yes the pain part does suck, but I accepted that a long time ago. Hell it’s been almost 23 years since the pain started. It’s still hard to believe that 23 years ago I felt absolutely no pain, besides the pain of falling off my bike and then bam it just hit and never went away. I guess life is just crazy like that.

You never know what’s going to happen so you have to be ready for anything. I know this now. I wasn’t prepared to have a chronic illness. I would like to meet someone who is. It’s taken me a long time, but I’m as prepared now as I’m ever going to be. I take my meds, I do my research, I know what keeps me comfortable and what irritates me when the pain gets too bad and above all I make sure that wherever I’m at I have the resources to deal with a bad pain attack.

My life is crazy and uncertain, but it keeps me entertained. I laugh through the good times and I laugh through the bad times. You just have to keep smiling and laughing and eventually the bad things will pass. Life is what you make it so if you laugh more then you’ll create more happiness and after that anything is possible.

I hope everyone is having an awesome day. Don’t forget to be brilliant!

Bring it!

2012-07-16T22:54:00.004-05:00

Things have been looking up a little more lately. I’m feeling a little more in control of my situation and the best thing is that I’m feeling like myself again. I lost a part of me again in this insane life of mine. I let the pain beat me down to the point of feeling worthless and unaccomplished. When I don’t feel like me I don’t feel like writing. The inspiration and motivation were nowhere to be found. I just didn’t care about it, but at the same time not writing was only making me feel worse because that’s the one thing I’m determined not to let this monster take from me and I was letting it, without a fight. I’m back now though and I’m fighting harder than ever. This is my life and it’s going to be everything I’ve dreamed it could be. I’m going to go after what I need and then I’m going after what I want. I’m tired of my illness telling me what I can and can’t do. I would rather die trying than to live the rest of my life in a corner crying.

I hope everyone is having an awesome day/night. Don’t forget to be brilliant!

Simply Surviving

2012-06-14T02:48:00.003-05:00

It’s after 2 a.m. and I’m still awake. I hate insomnia with a passion, but at least I’m not in excruciating pain too. You always have to find the bright side to every bad situation or you’ll never get through them. My body is used to staying awake because of the pain and now that I’ve gotten the pain under control my body is used to being up all night. I got so used to the pain that it actually feels weird to be up and functioning instead of being in the usual fetal position. It just shows how the body and mind are able to adapt to any situation…it’s all about survival.

Simply surviving is by no means living, but at this point in my life it feels good. There was a period of time when I didn’t think I was going to make it. I’m not one to give up, but I couldn’t see the road ahead of me anymore and I freaked out. All I could see was pain and misery and I didn’t want to live that way, but I couldn’t fix it. I had been focusing on the impossible…fixing my body. It wasn’t until I was able to accept being sick that I started to heal. That’s when I realized that I could only do so much for my body, but I could fix my mind. The stronger my mind got, the more pain I could handle. I used to get mad when people would tell me that I just needed to use mind control to handle the pain. I’ve got mind control down to an art now. I guess I’ve always used mind control, but it wasn’t till the pain got really bad that I relied on it and found new ways to perfect it. I still have a lot of growing and adapting to do, but for the first time I feel like I’m on the right path and I can see for miles in front of me. I still fall down and I still cry, but I get right back up, I wipe away my tears and I keep on fighting. Basically I do what I have to do to keep on living.

I’m going to try the sleep thing again so I hope everyone has an awesome day/night. Don’t forget to be brilliant!

Can You Learn to Trust Again?

2012-06-11T18:43:00.001-05:00

How do you recover from being emotionally abused? Does it ever get easier to trust? I feel like I’m never going to be able to let my guard down and it’s ruining any chances I have of starting a relationship. I catch myself being defensive and bitchy when there’s really no reason for it, but it’s because I don’t have the strength to get hurt again and I definitely don’t have the strength to be abused again. So what do I normally do because of this? I run like hell as soon as I get too close to someone. I don’t even know if these guys are lying to me or not because in my head they have and that’s enough to make me run. How sad is that?! I can’t believe I’m even admitting this insanity but I know I’m not the only one going through this so I thought I would put my situation out there and see if anyone has an opinion on the subject. It sucks and it’s lonely and I’m ready to move on. It’s been almost 2 years and I thought that by now I would be farther along in my healing, but I still have that “I’m gonna get you before you get me” attitude and it has to stop or I’m going to be the crazy cat lady for sure. Do I get any credit for knowing I’m a total mess?

Anyways I hope everyone is surviving this Monday. Any and all advice is welcomed and don’t forget to be brilliant.

Quotes and Junk: Achieving Greatness

2012-06-10T15:15:00.002-05:00

Realizing our potential is probably one of the hardest things to do in life. We become our own biggest critics and while the world sees what we’re capable of, we can only see our failures. I remember how many times I’ve failed, but I can’t remember how many times I’ve succeeded, because in my mind it wasn’t true success…it just wasn’t a big deal because it’s not the ultimate success I’ve dreamed of. Instead of seeing these little successes as stepping stones to my ultimate success, I see them as just falling short of my dreams and goals in life. I’m happy about it for a moment, but in the end I find myself disappointed. I guess it’s just human nature to always want to achieve more…I think that’s what gives us the drive to achieve greatness, but it can also be what destroys everything if we’re not careful.

Here are some of my favorite quotes on recognizing our potential and achieving greatness.

“Our comfort zones can be our greatest enemy to our potential.” ~David Cottrell

“It’s the final steps of a journey that create an arrival.” ~Sam Parker

“In this world there is always danger for those who are afraid of it.” ~George Bernard Shaw

“Make it a bad moment, not a bad day.” ~Katherine Mylius

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” ~Winston Churchill

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” ~Zig Ziglar

I hope everyone is having an awesome Sunday. Don’t forget to be brilliant!

The Writer's Block Plague

2012-06-04T19:44:00.002-05:00

Can you see the frustration?!

I’m a writer who loves to write, but I’m also a writer who’s going through a phase of not wanting to write. Oh the irony. I’ve just been in this funk lately and I can’t seem to find the motivation to accomplish anything. Deep down I want to write, but when I sit down with my laptop, pen and paper I can’t seem to make anything happen. I was taught early on that if I had a bad case of writer’s block to just walk away from it for a while, so I took a mini-vacation and intentionally left my laptop at home. I was hoping that missing it so much would make me go on a writing rampage when I got back. I’ve been back since Friday and this is the most I have written. I’m hoping things get better soon.

Life just has a way of getting in the way of your dreams, and I’ll be damn if it takes this one away. I’ve had to give up a lot of dreams because of my illness and circumstances, but I won’t let this one go. Writing is my life and it was the one thing that I still had when I had lost everything else. I’m confident that things will get better and I will be back on a normal writing schedule, without this intense desire to throw my laptop out the window and run naked and screaming down the street. If you’re getting mental pictures of that now, I do apologize, but that’s your own fault :-p.

I hope everyone is having an awesome day/night. Big hugs and lots of love and of course…don’t forget to be brilliant!

BEEP!

2012-05-01T16:30:00.000-05:00

I’m having one of those days again today. I just can’t seem to get in the mood to write. I have so much going on and I feel like things are rapidly getting out of control. I know I just need to slow down and take things one step at a time, but I still feel overwhelmed. I’ll get over it eventually. My only choice is to keep on keeping on so that’s what I’m going to do.

My life is a very stressful one…chronic illnesses create tons of stress in every area of your life. When I met my husband I had pain in my legs and sleeping issues, but it wasn’t anything that really stood out or affected my life. Now I’m single with 2 chronic illnesses that stay out of control most of the time and it makes dating very awkward. I feel like I might as well have 10 kids with 10 different baby daddies.

When I’m talking to someone I make sure they know from the very beginning that I’m sick, because I don’t want to get attached and then they run like hell when they find out. Some guys have told me that they don’t care and they can handle it…they’re gone now. The ones that stick around are usually the ones who want a booty call every now and then and I’m just not down. Sick chicks do not make good booty calls. I don’t care how you look at it…it is just a set-up for a very awkward situation.

My energy is limited and sometimes I have enough to live and that’s it. Sex used to be important to me, but my priorities and perspectives have changed immensely over the last couple of years. I need someone in my life that I can lean on when I don’t have the energy to keep going…I don’t need someone who wants to hang out for an hour and then I don’t see them for months. I’m worth more than that.

I’ve rambled on enough. I’ll leave ya’ll with a song that I like…It’s dedicated to all the guys who just want booty. Have an awesome day and don’t forget to be brilliant.

Don't Be Angry...Be Brilliant!

2012-04-17T00:06:00.000-05:00

I think it's safe to assume that we all get angry sometimes. Anger can consume us, before we are even truly aware of what's happening. At the time yelling seems like the right thing to do, but most of the time we only end up regretting everything we said. Ironically, we become angry with ourselves for being so angry.

Are you feeling angry today? Let the wise words of Confucious, Benjamin Franklin and a few others put your anger into perspective.

When anger rises, think of the consequences.
Confucius

The wind of anger blows out the lamp

of intelligence.
Anonymous

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.
Joan Lunden

Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one.
Benjamin Franklin

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.
Elizabeth I

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.
Chinese Proverb

One who smiles rather than rages is always the stronger.
Japanese Proverb

Never answer a letter while you are angry.
Chinese Proverb

Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.
Thomas Jefferson

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.
Josh Billings

Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.
Christian D. Larsen, from The Optimist Creed

It doesn't pay to say too much when you are mad enough to choke. For the word that stings the deepest is the word that is never spoke, Let the other fellow wrangle till the storm has blown away, then he'll do a heap of thinking about the things you didn't say.
James Whitcomb Riley

He who angers you conquers you.
Elizabeth Kenny

He who angers you enslaves you.
Anon

An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.
Mohandas Gandhi

Don’t be angry…be brilliant!

Quotes on Dealing...with Frustrating People

2012-04-16T23:50:00.000-05:00

There are days when I wish I could I just run away to somewhere that I could be alone, have endless privacy and not have to deal with people who drive me absolutely nuts. I’m going to take a wild guess and assume that, that wish will never come true. Life isn’t easy and some days it feels like it just wants to remind me of that over and over and over again. I know I’m not an easy person to get along with, but some of the people I have to deal with are impossible. I’m not sure how they even function. In a moment of frustration I came across these quotes that are all about having to deal with people that we would rather not have to deal with.

A man's own good breeding is the best security against other people's ill manners.
Lord Chesterfield

To rejoice in another's prosperity, is to give content to your own lot: to mitigate another's grief, is to alleviate or dispel your own.
Thomas Edwards

We are far more liable to catch the vices than the virtues of our associates.
Denis Diderot

Arguing with a fool proves there are two.
Doris M. Smith

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few;
and let those be well-tried before you give them your confidence.
George Washington

Look to be treated by others
as you have treated others.
Publius Syrus

Success in life, in anything,
depends upon the number of persons
that one can make himself agreeable to.
Thomas Carlyle

Never part without loving words to think of during your absence. It may be that you will not meet again in this life.
Jean Paul Richter

I hope everyone is having an awesome night. Don’t forget to be brilliant!

Stop Judging Others and Focus on Yourself

2012-04-10T22:21:00.000-05:00

Every day I write about phobias and the effects that they have on the lives of the people who suffer from them. Sometimes I sit back and wonder how someone can be deathly afraid of such trivial things like butterflies. How is a butterfly scary? I don’t understand it, because I’ve never experienced it. We’re all quick to judge the shortcomings of others, because it makes us feel better. It makes us feel like we’re in control of our own lives when in fact if we didn’t have our own shortcoming we wouldn’t be worried about everyone else’s.

I have Fibromyalgia and I’ve been fighting this invisible battle for the last 22 years. Most people never even realized anything was wrong with me until the last couple of years. These people never paid attention to the changes taking place in my life. They never cared, but for some reason they choose to judge me now. I should have a full time job and my life should be all full of sunshine just like the lady on the Lyrica commercial. First of all I don’t take Lyrica and secondly I got fired from my last full time job because I had to go to the doctor so much, because if I put too much strain on my body it goes absolutely haywire and I end up with extreme pain, fever, rashes and migraines.

We all face our own battles and if we’re busy judging someone else’s ability to fight their battle, then we’re not focusing on our own. You can’t be all up in someone else’s business and keep track of your own. It just can’t be done and it just turns into a vicious cycle that gets us nowhere. Why would anyone want to live like that?

I hope everyone is having a good night. Now get out of everyone else’s business and be brilliant!

Quotes and Junk

2012-03-14T17:25:00.000-05:00

This month has had a lot of ups and downs and I’ve spent most of it in extreme pain and completely frustrated. Every day has been about getting up and trying to do as much as I can do before the bad pain starts because once it starts that’s it for my day. Even if the pain goes back to a tolerable level I’m beyond exhausted. It takes a lot of strength to handle pain. Some days I lay in bed for an hour in the mornings trying to get enough courage to get up and deal with the pain. No, I’m not being dramatic. I wish I was because that would mean it doesn’t really hurt that bad. Today’s just one of those days that I want my old life back. I know my new life has a lot of good things that my old one didn’t have, but I just miss a few things from back then.

Anyways as always life goes on and I have faith that everything is going to work out just fine. I may kick, scream and cry every now and then, but everyone has those kind of moments. Quotes always seem to put me in a better mood so here are a few that I really like…

“You become stronger with every problem you face and every obstacle you overcome.” ~Unknown

“Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.” ~Mae West

“Don’t be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it, you can make it so.” ~Belva Davis

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually be afraid you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

“A problem is a chance for you to do your best.” ~Duke Ellington

“Never let your memories be greater than your dreams.” ~Doug Ivester

I hope everyone is having an awesome day. Don’t forget to be brilliant!

It's Time to Move On

2012-02-27T16:35:00.000-06:00

So here it is…the cold hard truth. The irony is that the people this is addressed to will probably will never see this because they don’t care enough about me to be a true part of my world. There are so many little things that would have meant the world to me, but they never tried until they needed something from me and by then it didn’t matter.

If you weren’t there for me when I needed you, then you don’t get to be here now. If I sound like a bitch then so be it. There were so many nights that I reached out to you, which was so hard for me to do, and you left me hanging. I was in pain and in a dark place and you ignored me. I loved those texts 3 days later that you sent to check on me. What an awesome friend you are! I could have been dead, but luckily I’m a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for. The part that hurts is that I was always there for you. I always listened to you when you wanted to bitch about work or family issues or whatever. Every time you texted or called I got right back to you. It wasn’t until I stopped responding that you started caring. Then you started making an effort. I have a huge heart so if you’ve pushed me to ignoring you then you have really hurt me and it’s going to take a lot more than a weak “I’m sorry” to fix it.

I’ve changed so much over the last year because that’s what extreme pain does to you. You either change the way you think and the things you do or you die. I don’t want to die so I’m going to keep fighting. Those of you who couldn’t be there for me when I was learning how to deal with the pain, don’t get to follow me into my new life because you weigh me down too much and I don’t have the strength to carry you anymore. I always made you a priority and you always made me an option. This is something you have to deal with now because I’m done.

I wish you all the very best and someday I may let you back in, but that’s going to be my choice not yours. You’re power over me is gone. This is my life and I’m going to live it to the fullest along with the people who have been there for me and didn’t hesitate to pick me up every time I fell. I’m moving on now…I have to go be brilliant ;-).

It's My Turn

2012-02-05T23:33:00.002-06:00

All my life I have tried to please everyone around me at the expense of my happiness and well-being. I tried to judge my happiness on the happiness of others and I thought I was happy, but the truth was I had no idea what being happy really felt like. I was just going through these motions and I just kept hoping to make it out alive. I let people walk all over me, because that was easier and took less energy than standing up for myself.

I woke up, I stood up and decided that everyone else needed to shut up and get the hell out of my way because it was my turn to live…my turn to be happy. I’m pissing people off left and right, but I don’t care. They can all kiss my ass, because I’ve been kissing their asses for way too long. I’m going to follow through with my dreams and I’m going to hold my head up high and show this world what this chick is made of. No more hiding behind my illnesses. No more being ashamed of being sick.

I make mistakes like everyone else does and my mistakes are not any worse than everybody else’s so don’t try to make me feel like they are. It’s only because I’ve always been the good one, the one who followed all the rules and the one who looked out for everyone else. That was all cool until I realized no one was looking out for me. So I’m done. It’s all about me now. Call me selfish, call me a bitch and yes you can even call me a whore. It’s not going to hurt me because I know who I am and I know what I’m made of. Maybe someday you’ll figure out who you are.

Afraid of Falling in Love

2012-01-27T14:16:00.000-06:00

I can honestly say that I’m happy and I love myself, but something is missing. I used to be the type of person that fell in love fast…too fast. It was never true love of course. It was a cover up for the love that I never felt for myself. It was easier to say that I loved someone else than it was to love myself. I didn’t realize that it was impossible for me to truly love someone else without first loving myself.

So here I am now…I love who I am and what I stand for. I’m confident and very thankful for the life I’ve been given, but still something is missing. I can’t trust anyone, especially a man because I’m afraid that they will make me lose who I am again. I’m in this mindset of “I’m going to get you, before you get me”. I like not being as emotional and I’m glad that feeling of needing a man is gone, but I wonder if I will ever be able to settle down again.

I guess only time will tell. Maybe when the right man comes along I will know. At that moment when he hugs me and kisses me I will feel it and know that it’s the one thing I’ve been missing. Until then I’m just going to take care of me, because I’ve spent way too much time focusing on the happiness of others instead of my own. It’s time for me to be happy and if I have to piss off a lot of people to do that then so be it.

I hope everyone has an awesome day! Be brilliant!