Honey Pie

Phone For Sale. Cheap.

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 16:36:00 +0000

GirlChild managed to shock herself in the head with the charging-end of the cordless phone today. (It makes me laugh to write that.) She cried and complained of tingling in her head that sort of came and went and we struggled with lamest-trip-to-the-ER vs. girl-has-seizures-for-life-because-we-did-nothing.

It was a tough call because GirlChild's appearance was homeless looking and you don't want to walk in with an obviously neglected child that got 120 volts to the head. (I made up the volt number. I don't know anything about electricity as shown by a previous post regarding batteries in canoes filled with water.) We had experimented with purple hair dye last week and it's fading in places. Her hair was also kinda dry and Bride-of-Frankenstein looking, but I'm not sure if that was from the phone or just because she hadn't brushed it. Outfit: high-energy orange t-shirt with sky blue capris. Barefoot. 'Cause that's how we roll to the ER.

BabyCakes took her in regardless of appearance and told me the aftershocks wore off by the time they got to the end of the driveway. Turned out to be THE lamest trip ever because they didn't even write anything on the dismissal papers. Was sort of expecting, "keep away from hair dryers and bathtubs" or "replace phone."

Iceland H2O : Part 3

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 17:50:00 +0000

Prior to our trip, I checked out CouchSurfing.org after reading about an old bloggy friend's experience with it. I found a family that was willing to take in another family and we corresponded for a bit. While she lives in Iceland with her Icelandic husband and her very Nordic children, Ko-leen is from Canada and completely snarky about lame Facebook updates which means I love her.

AND...our two oldest kids could have been separated at birth. Behold BoyChild and Kasper! Identical hair, identical hand holds on the Nintendo DS, identical gravitational pull to the television. The only real difference is that Kasper can speak Icelandic AND English which means we'll always be the lame Americans trying to pronouce 'Eyjafjallajökull'.

We didn't bunk down with them, but we met up a couple of times, the second time at WaterWorld in Keflavik so the kids could swim. Iceland being what it is with all sorts of hot water underground is not wanting for heated swimming pools. We swam every evening at a new pool and loved every minute of it. But before swimming in all that awesomeness you have to bathe NAKED and clean yourself before going in. And they mean it. I stole this sign off the internet because I feared the wrath of 20 naked Icelanders if I were to have taken my camera into the locker room. They inform you EXACTLY where they want to you wash before getting your funky body into their pool.

The first time was intimidating until I saw some ladies that were fatter and saggier than I was. After that, GirlChild and I embraced our nudity, soaped up (being sure to hit all the key points denoted in hot pink). GirlChild didn't really need to embrace anything because she's already sorta comfortable with being naked. Now while I was fine with the whole naked-in-front-of-Icelanders-that-I'll-never-see-again, Ko-leen and I had to work out a schedule so we didn't appear in the showers at the same time because we'd have to look each other in the eye for cake and coffee afterwards.

The most eye-catching batch of hot water comes from a geo-thermal power plant and is known as the Blue Lagoon. BoyChild's jaunt into the waters was pretty short. He couldn't take the squishy bottom on his toes, but GirlChild took full advantage of its benefits by rubbing the mud all over to maintain her youthful 7-year-old appearance.

(Attn: Iceland Shower Police - I never washed my feet...mwahahahha.....)

Icelandic Wild Life: Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:30:00 +0000

(It's getting too hard to fix the pic locations so forgive the messed up look of all this.)

We only met about five other groups of Americans on our trip. Iceland logs a lot more Europeans all of whom are packing mega cameras with foot-long zoom lenses. Regardless of the language barrier, BoyChild and GirlChild wormed their way into a soccer/football match to show off their skillz....*snort*....ok, well, the German family was REALLY nice and tolerant. Here they are having fun at about 10:30 pm. 24 hours of daylight is pretty damned cool, unless you're trying to sleep.

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Sadly, Alice didn't bring a watch on the trip. A typical night's sleep with the sun streaming around the blackout curtains went like this:

Alice: What time is it?
Babycakes: Huh? Urgh....2:12.
Alice: Babycakes...what time is it?
Babycakes: *snore* Hunh? 4:25.
Alice: Wake up...what time is it?
Babycakes: Gnnnahhh...huh...5:05.
Alice: Oh.

We had a goal to get north of the Arctic Circle and had to fly a little 8-seater plane to get to the greater metropolitan area/island of Grimsey. It was hard to find our way through the maze-like concourses of their airport, but after stepping around the chainlink fence we made it to our tour guide, Katla.

We chose the driving option around the island since the wind could best be described as hurricane. And so Katla drove us around the tiny island pointing out the puffins, kittiwakes and terns and letting us tourist pose by the pole marking out the Arctic Circle.

The island is so tiny that Katla had a few problems turning us around on the single lane 'road' and Babycakes had to put his shoulder into freeing us from a depression. Go Babycakes! But don't push so hard that we back up over that cliff and become puffin fodder. And so we left Grimsey, saying goodbye to the 64 people who call it home and took off in our tiny plane taking out a few arctic terns with our propellor on take off. Whoops.

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*thunk*thunk*
GirlChild: What was that?
Alice: Natural selection.

We headed south to visit the Jokulsarlon Glacial Lagoon soon after. Who wants to be lounging by pool while sipping Mojitos when you could be decked out like a sherpa? How do you like that hat? You better like that hat. I paid enough for it.

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The lagoon was pretty spectacular, even with the crazy wind having blown all the icebergs to one side. That iceberg was so blue it looked fake.

At one point, our guide Helga (her real name) who was decked out in a way that surpassed any lame high schooler trying to North Face their way to popularity, stood holding a chunk of 1000 year old ice in her bare hands for a good 10 minutes. I don't think I heard a word she said as I pondered how long I could hold a chunk of ice in frigid weather without dropping it which I would estimate to be 30 seconds. I'd be no good as a Jokulsarlon tour guide.

Part 3 to follow...

Snyrting in Iceland: Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 02:36:00 +0000

Alice, Babycakes, BoyChild and GirlChild have returned from the far north to report on "How We Spent Our Summer Vacation." Now, you can Google all the pictures of Iceland you want and see what we saw, but I'm here to share the stuff you don't see in National Geo.

Iceland suits those who are "rolling in dough" or folks like us who have saved every last cent by foregoing things like food and car payments. To spread the cash over twelve days, a lot of our dinners consisted of ham and cheese sandwiches and delicious little pastries called Kleifur. (The name of this pastry could be completely wrong since Alice's grasp of the Icelandic language was limited to Haagen Dasz and fake IKEA product names.) Needless to say, we all had some signifcant changes in our bowel movements which we didn't hesitate to discuss.

BoyChild: My poops are smaller.
Alice: I can't poop at all.
BabyCakes: I think my diarrhea has stopped.

And then we'd look for the nearest SNYRTING sign. Which made me laugh. Every time.

Every toilet had two mystical buttons to choose from. No two toilets were the same and I couldn't figure out if one button was for pee and one was for poo because when I flushed each they seemed the same and I was confused and I spent WAY too much time pondering this. GirlChild tried to set me straight about the buttons but I'm pretty sure she just made something up to get me away from the snyrting. Or is 'snyrting' a verb? Now I'm confused again. Haagen Dasz.

We rented a car and headed north from Reykjavik only to spot the ever elusive Giant Coca-Cola grazing in a field. I braked hard and swerved to avoid a collision with...nothing...there was nothing on the road. Not even a sheep. Maybe some rocks. There were lots of those in Iceland.
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We didn't stop until we reached this little gem hidden in a town called Husavik. WOW. I think the phrase that comes to mind is "sandpaper my corneas." And if my kids don't know how baby whales get made by now, then they weren't looking at the big pointy thing sticking out from the wall and knocking my camera bag off my shoulder.
GirlChild took a few too many photos in there which I had to delete off her camera before Grandma learned that mice had penis bones. And before Grandma learned that GirlChild learned that mice had penis bones.
I'll leave you with BoyChild and Babycakes looking proud and manly next to some weiner rocks.

Day Billion and 3

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 17:57:00 +0000

I was about to hunker down in the WC for what I thought might be an extended period of time, when I realized I'd already exhausted the reading material on the side of the Lightdays box. I quickly fished around the bathroom until I found a book on the history of the Civil War nestled under some Q-Tips. I pondered, "WTF is that doing in here are where is my copy of Star with Brad Pitt on the front?"

I sighed heavily and resigned myself to the Civil War, written for 5th graders it seems.

Teaching math all day, I don't dabble into history books all that much, but I've always enjoyed it as long as I won't be tested on the material. The book proved interesting enough for me to continue reading it outside of the loo. And then it started to irritate me with passages like this:

Book: "As the South becomes desperate, Southern soldiers fight harder than ever. Do you remember when Cortes faced Montezuma in Mexico City?"

Alice: Ummm...sorta...

Book: "Do you remember that the Aztec leader would not surrender?"

Alice: No.

Book: "Do you remember what happened?"

Alice: No

Book: CHAPTER 25: SPEECHES AT GETTYSBURG

Alice: WTF happened in Mexico City? Don't leave me hanging stupid book!

So now I have to Google stuff and find out my Civil War book is even lamer than I first thought because Cortes did NOT face Montezuma in Mexico City, because it wasn't even called Mexico City then. I'd leave you hanging like the book, but I'm not that cruel. It was called Tenochtitlan.

I had to Google Patrick Swayze after that because it's nearly impossible to read about the Civil War without thinking how Orry Main was pretty hot for a Civil War dude.

-------------------------------------------

**Favorite Quote** (re: Grant, the Original Survivor)

"He was the kind of general who didn't worry much about military theories. He just outkilled and outlasted his enemy."

Day Billion and 2

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 21:29:00 +0000

Unless you've been in a coma and not following your East Coast friends whining via FaceBook you might have realized I've been cooped up a bit.

BoyChild was starting to look shaggy and I happily pulled out the electric clippers as a new indoor activity I hadn't explored yet. After some soothing words about how a little hair in his eyes wouldn't kill him, he ran off tearing his shirt from his body and my first thought about his head was "mange". And then I only wanted to wish him well in the coal mines. With the right side a little closer to the skull and a cowlick that eluded the clippers, he's only a black smudge and hacking cough away from working the tunnels.

He's skillfully been eluding me since then. But that's OK since I've found "Hoarders" ON DEMAND. It's my new favorite show that makes me feel better about the state of my house. I've had to move on after exhausting Comcast's selections of "Cake Boss" and "How It's Made." "Ruby" was hitting a little too close to home.

Babycakes shoveled pretty fast today, I think to get me out of the house faster. I tried to kidnap my neighbor but she claimed her husband was "working". Riiiigggghhhhht...and I'm going out to get groooooceriiieeesss...

Dammit, don't they even think about MY feelings?!? Didn't they realize that I'd need a designated driver for my planned stop at La Tolteca for a Modelo Especial or five? I had to satisfy myself with an order of soft chimichangas that are now sitting quite heavily in my upper GI. So lonely without a Mexican beer to digest them.

Day Billion and One

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 01:10:00 +0000

My verbiage was getting too much for Facebook's limited space and my sister kept hinting that I should blog during my house arrest as determined by the Maryland Public School System, the Federal Government and Fat Bastard Winter (FBW).

In addition to completing a thorough investigation of my toenail cuticles, GirlChild and I explored our artistic side on her bedroom wall.

Her Lorax isn't half bad!

Under the butterflies, BoyChild added some wind, both artistically and literally (after consuming the dreaded Fiber Bar). The Fiber Bars are the weapon of choice during the confinement for their combination of lip-smacking tastiness and near-lethal gas producing qualities.

Babycakes sat with them in front of YouTube until GirlChild had THIS memorized. She chimes in with "nobody comes to visit me...in my little cloud" as she streaks past you leaving a wake of offensiveness.

On what felt like day 100,000 GirlChild created TentCity in our living room. Peering closely, under my didgeridoo, you'll find her wardrobe hanging on a novelty known as "hangers". Hidden in the underbelly of TentCity is "guest bedroom" and "pile where I put my dirty clothes".

BoyChild is so easy. World Of Warcraft. A billion and one days off of school. Bliss.

As for me, I finally took a look into my school bag that I abandoned on Day 1 of FBW. I unfortunately abandoned it with a banana sitting at the bottom that had nicely oozed all over my new gradebook. And some Algebra 2 homework. Oh well, I'm sure the kids will have forgotten they ever turned those in by the time we get back to school. Or better yet...

Alice: Class, your mastery of exponents is deplorable. After THOROUGHLY grading your last homework assignment I threw it all away in disgust after wiping the banana...er...stench of failure from my hands.

Stay Tuned for Day Billion and Two! Unless I get apathetic and watch M*A*S*H reruns all day.

Ahem...Not For You Dear...

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 01:09:00 +0000

Sorry about my blog header - it's all messed up and I need to get WebMaster Nick on the job. I've been silent far too long and the blog gods don't like that.

Anyhooo...I directed a few folks this way so I didn't get banned from FaceBook for showcasing pornographic material. Apparently GirlChild was rooting through my belongings and started a little chant about an old cake photo of mine that she found. I tuned her out as I was avidly searching the internet for cool ideas for math in the classroom and shirtless men.

The part of the tune that caught my ear was : "Long leggedy lady cake...with a bone behind her."

ARGHHHHHHHH........gimme that kid.....

Monkey Attacks and Electrocution Central American Style

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 01:39:00 +0000

Our first day of inland Belize adventure took us tubing through caves at Caves Branch which was fun for the portion of the trip where my ass wasn't being dragged across rocks.

I conveniently didn't bring my camera for that ... but was able to score a pic from the internet. I wasn't able to score a picture that simulated BoyChild walking through some ants while humping an innertube through the forest. Haha. Good times.

On the second day, we began by visiting the Mayan ruins of Xunantunich. You can see GirlChild approaching in her kickin' sun gear. The kids raced to the top (and I do mean the VERY TOP) on tilty, un-hand-railed steps, some of which had been plastered back together after an earthquake.

(dialogue at Xunantunich)

Alice: Hold my hand.

Alice: Put your back against the wall.

Alice: Go down those steps on your butt.

Alice: Omigod I'm going to die.

We somehow left the ruins (not dead) for a leisurely canoe trip into Barton's Creek Cave. On the way to our canoe, we found a friendly spider monkey - who took a shine to GirlChild's headband. GirlChild lost.

Here you can see the friendly canoes. Bear in mind that we're about to enter a DARK cave. GirlChild has already screamed her way through dark caves on an inner tube so I'm concerned.

Luis comes back with what looks like a small car battery and thunks it into the watery bottom of the canoe, hands us a huge spot light and then says we'll need to attach it to the battery when we get into the cave.

Alice: Ummm..isn't that dangerous?! (Holy ACDelco, I'm going to be electrocuted!)

Luis: It's only 12 volts.

Alice: Omigod, I'm going to die. (I have no concept of what kind of impact a 'volt' has on a body.)

Luis get Babycakes, BoyChild and their own killer battery settled into another canoe and gives them the keys. Babycakes isn't really an outdoorsy type of guy so I was kinda curious as to how his canoe/spotlight handling would be. Turns out he and BoyChild survived.

At least Luis was in charge of the gals and I was pretty sure he could save us if GirlChild decided to drop the spotlight into the water.

In order to get into the cave, you have to sort of hump your canoe between the cave wall and a rock that sits right in your way. It's not really a fast process, I'm sitting in the front, and I notice a fist-sized spider on the cave wall about 5 inches from my personal space.

I'm silently freaking out because the last thing I want to do is alert GirlChild to the fact that this Godzilla Spider is hanging around and start her screaming before we even hit the cave.

I move my body right as far as I can. Luis yells something lame about tipping the canoe. And I finally manage to splash enough water around the spider so that he disappears.

Luis gets us over the rock and into the actual cave, we hook up the Battery-Of-Death and experience an absolutely gorgeous cave ... right up until GirlChild says, "Mom...there's a spider on your back."

And the first thing that comes to mind is the tunnel scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. And I wonder if it's that evil spider from the front of the cave. And now I don't care if I tip the canoe as I start flapping my arms randomly around my shoulders since I can't even really reach my back. At some point, GirlChild says the spider is gone. I can only guess that he fell into the water in the bottom of the canoe and eletrocuted himself.

South of the Border (the RIGHT way!) - Pt. 1

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 22:54:00 +0000

This is how you do South-of-the-Border the sad way.

Doing South-of-the-Border the RIGHT way involves a big dent in the bank account, but was ohhhhh so worth it. Let's get y'all back up to speed.

Freeing myself from the shackles of high school was nice and ended on a pretty cool note. I've housed a TV in my room for the whole year and it's only collected dust since math videos are either

a) lame

b) retarded

or

c) 25 years old.

Well, one of my favorite students and his circle of hooligans brought in Guitar Hero and hooked it up to that there TV. I don't know that anyone else has had such a fantastic last day. I demurred when they asked me to play. I mean really - they had every song on uber-expert-devil-hard. How would I have looked slogging through "Eye of the Tiger" on medium difficulty?

I packed up my crap and labelled all my desks in an effort to stop other teachers from swiping mine during the summer. Although I plan to do exactly that when the opportunity presents itself. No one wants to sit in my one desk abomination with the seat that tilts forward at a 45 degree angle.

Annndddd after packing up the classroom, I packed up 20 bottles of bug spray, a few bathing suits and some sunblock so we could head on down to the REAL south of the border.

Flying to Cancun was uneventful, and from there we hired a van to drive us to the town of Chetumal, just north of the Belizean border. I discovered that when poking around a town that speaks Spanish, I'm suddenly a master of Swahili. Even GirlChild knew more Spanish from Dora the Explorer - her favorite thing to say being "Ayudenme!".

We spent the night in Chetumal and visited their very excellent Museo de la Cultura Maya. Being the culturally sensitive Americans that we are, we took pictures of the kids picking the nose of a giant monolithic face. And had to read OVER and OVER again how Mayan men would pierce their wieners with stingray spines. (Wieners being our word, not theirs.)

We were picked up the next day and driven to our beautiful stay in inland Belize via these guys, who we'll highly recommend if you need to be carted around the area and I can't say enough good things about our stay at the Jungle Dome.

Here's a view from our porch. *sigh* I miss it already.

I'll end on this note. Hoping to fit in the GirlChild-Monkey-Attack and Spider-The-Size-Of-My-Fist story...next time!

Incense and Peppermint and Codeine

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 16:26:00 +0000

School ended in late June, we spent 11 glorious days in Belize and Mexico and came home so that BoyChild could fracture his foot on my watch.

My friend Gretta was distracting me with some intense homework grading scenarios while BoyChild was busy missing bars on the jungle gym. He screamed, I pulled some major muscle groups trying to heft his 85 lbs. into the car and we carted him to the ER. I'll try my best to replay that evening for you.
___________________

*arrive at the ER door and beg for wheelchair because I can't carry him any more*

GirlChild: *wail* "I wanna ride in a wheelchaiiirrrrr..." *high pitched keening*

Alice: "There are no other wheelchairs except the one for the incredibly obese."

GirlChild runs over to it but wheels in circles since she can only reach one wheel. Mean nurse tells her to stop and I think... "Do you want her wheeling in circles or screaming about wanting to be in a wheelchair?"

Babycakes arrives to pick up GirlChild right after GirlChild points out the patient with the hairy back.

I accompany BoyChild for x-rays. The techs play the game Can-Frick-Get-Behind-The-Barrier-Before-Frack-Hits-The-Button?. I predict cancer within five years for one or both.

We wait in the room, killing time by blowing up the medical gloves and playing Milk-The-Cow. Things get interesting once they give BoyChild Tylenol with Codeine for the pain.

*weep* *cry* *snicker* *laugh* *uncontrollable laughter*

BoyChild: "Penis"..."Penis wenis"...(laughs for 30 seconds)..."Penis wenis"... (laughs and almost fall off the bed)

Alice: "Every time you say that, you get one less pack of Pokemon cards."

BoyChild contemplates this for 15 seconds, stares me in the eye and yells out "Bob Evans!"

More hysterical laughter for 30 seconds followed by "Bob Evans!" This happened roughly 50 more times, each time funnier than the last.

*fart* (more laughter)

BoyChild: "Wait...it's coming." (three more farts and extended snickering)

BoyChild: "EXCUSE ME FOR ALL THE FARTS I HAVE EVER MADE!"

Nurse comes in to sit by him and asks him about the accident.

BoyChild: "I think it's here!"

Alice: "MOVE...he's gonna fart again!"

Nurse: "I'm outta here."

Discharged at 11:45 pm.

gulp

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 19:54:00 +0000

Time did permit during the break to work on the next Vanilla Ice production, but I felt my time was better spent honing my Rock Band drumming and guitar skillz. Watch out Tommy Lee! Or don't watch out as the case may be.

Turns out that if my 7 year old neighbor drums while GirlChild works the foot pedal and BoyChild sings while I guitar...we're not half bad. Or half-good.

This two week break held a lot of firsts for me that I'd like to share...

1) It's my first time that I housed a dead cat in my garage for 3 days. My poor old cat Mina decided to kick the bucket on the floor of my bedroom while I was reading a book. She sort of let out a little squeak and when I looked over, her tongue was hanging out of her mouth. We were sad.

We wrapped her in blankets and put her on the sofa in the garage. I guess I wanted Babycakes to have a final viewing or something.

The next day was pretty cold so we left her on the sofa. And thought about Pet Semetary.

The next day was even colder, but three days was my max since I'm already fearing that we have a cat ghost. A good friend of mine informed me of a great pact she has with her fam...if you think you're gonna die...you have to pull yourself out to the yard first. I second that emotion!

2) I snorted cayenne pepper up my nose.

I rarely cook. And by rarely, I mean that my kids made the comment the other day - "Hey! This dinner is hot!"

Anyhow...I made one of the few dishes I know how to make which involves lentils and rice and some Indian spices. I tossed in some cayenne pepper. My nose itched. I wiped my nose with the hand that contained cayenne pepper residue and snorted. It burns.

3) Redneck Headrests

Babycakes manufactured some redneck headrests so we had something to strap the DVD monitors to on the drive to Savannah. Yee Haw! Pictures of the styrofoam blocks with dowels when I can find the cable for the camera.

We successfully blended at our annual pitstop at South of the Border. I'm not sure if it was the headrests or that our minivan has lost all four hubcaps now and has a Snorlax sticker on the back windshield.

Happy New Year All!

SURVIVOR: ICE EDITION

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 22:16:00 +0000

Episodes coming (as time permits during the break)...

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it - after 15 consecutive video submissions, I was finally chosen to be on Survivor! I'm pretty sure it was getting "I 'heart' Jeff" tattooed on my left pec that did it. God, it burns. I hope the first challenge isn't swimming or the salt water will kill.

Yours,
V. Ice

Alice Does Modern Design

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 10:41:00 +0000

It's been a while, but this post practically wrote itself.

I guess having a blog where you haven't blogged in over a month does tend to attract businesses that would like to advertise to the three people who swing by every now and then to see if I've decided to write about the extraordinary ability of students to write profanities on my graphing calculators while failing to add two numbers together correctly.

I was contacted via e-mail.

Hello,I'd appreciate if you can give me some feedback on our site: www.regencyshop.com and our item hanging Ball chair.

I realize that you are home decor-modern design connoisseur :) I'd like to hear your opinion/feedback on our products. Also, it'd be swell if you can place our link on your
blog.

Thank you,Sean

Well, thank you Sean. I am indeed a home decor-modern design connoisseur. You're the first person to acknowledge my latent talents and I'm here to showcase what I can do for the average blogger's home.

I call this UTILITY BIN, or in IKEA-speak -URFNA

For $11.35, not only can you fill your cat litter box, but you can place your pruning shears inside so that when it fills with water from the rain, they'll be good and rusty by next spring.

And because I AM a home decor-modern design connoisseur, I like when things are multi-functional. Fortunately, URFNA is great for storing batons, baseball bats and swords too.

This lovely little dandy came from some leftovers my mother-in-law sent. Little did she know that the lid was great for catching MOST of the water and even better at trapping water underneath on the window sill.

Home decor-modern design connoisseurs strive for new and exciting looks. I call this: I'm-too-lazy-to-pull-out-all-the-Christmas-ornaments-because-we're-going-out-of-town-so-I'll-let-the-kids-hang-deflated-balloons-and-assorted-crap-on-a-prelit-tree.

Keeping with the spirit of URFNA, SAMAD does a fine job of keeping all your wrapping paper together. Sorta. When it doesn't tip over.

I'll leave you with the blogging world's home decor-modern design connoisseur's ultimate design secret. When you have a large empty space that you don't know how to fill - BEACH BALLS.

I Must Be The Best Teacher In The World!

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 23:45:00 +0000

This didn't scan as clearly as I would have liked.
His reply that you can barely read...

"No, because it is not consistent? Damn I don't know this stuff. HA HA. was I close?"

Strange Existence

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 23:44:00 +0000

Alice dropping in to let you know that she hasn't been hit by a bus or had her classroom dictatorship overthrown by a student coup. Oh, I'm a dictator alright. But a kindly one. With a big stick and a wicked backhand to the side of the head.

Not only do I not have a blog life anymore, but my real life is almost entirely school-centric. Every last minute is sucked up with lesson-plans and grading and bribing kids with the Jumbo Bag-o-Jolly Ranchers.

The straight up scoop is: I love the kids.

I hate the paperwork.

My strange existence starts far too early in the morning. I wake up and can only gulp down one cup of coffee before I pray that something ironed has magically appeared in my closet. I simply don't put on anything without a camisole or slip because there is far too much reaching in my day and I'll be damned if those kids will ever catch a glimpse of my pasty white belly.

I also realized last Friday that I hadn't shaved for at least 10 days and hoped the kids wouldn't start calling me 'Cactus' when they caught sight of my legs. They really were a travesty. I didn't even let the hair get that long in Africa in the middle of the bush.

I usually arrive in the dark at the same time as the physics teacher across the hall. We've decided to form our own bi-umvirate. Is that a word? Sort of like a triumvirate. But with two people. Instead of three.

He's cool in a completely geeky way. Here's how we work:

PhysicsMan: Hey, what math do you teach?

Me: I have all algebra.

PhysicsMan: The kids in my class stink with formulas, could you work them into your class?

Me: Sure, just slide them my way.

Now does everyone see that that exchange took no paperwork AND was completed in under 20 seconds?

We should be co-dictators of the school.

Anyhoo...I'm in the midst of filling out interim reports for the kids and there is a pull-down menu of comments that you can insert into the report. They've got everything from 'excessive absences' to 'needs to review for tests.'

For my favorite class entertainer, I've already included the comments 'has a good sense of humor' and 'needs to improve posture.' I hope his parents have a good sense of humor. Or I suspect I'll be called in soon for adding stupid comments to interim reports for a math class.

Missing you all - I suspect I won't be back into any regular blog action until next summer. It's all just too much right now. I use my 10 free minutes of me-time for a good cry and something with the word 'tequila shooter' in it. I think my interim reports could be even MORE interesting after that. Hmmmm....

Joe Blow - C - 'whines more than my kids'
Amy Smamy - B - 'no one gives a shit about your Hollister shirt'
Pat Smat - A - 'lighten up geek, it's Algebra 1'
Ted Smed - F - 'hope you can work a spatula'

Alice signing off.

Head Bangers Ball

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 15:01:00 +0000

How do you kick your own daughter out of the band?

Seriously... her drumming skills keep getting us boo-ed off the stage. She's all show with her main stick-trick being the drumsticks wedged between her headband and her ears.

In an attempt to keep up with the times, Babycakes got me the much coveted Wii for my birthday and I promptly went out to purchase Rock Band for it. I'd been dying to play Guitar Hero but I guess the times they are a-movin' too fast for me and I'll need to look for it elsewhere.

And so I walked into the house with the mammoth box of instruments in an attempt to avoid lesson planning for the weekend and we immediately formed the lamest sounding band named SuperRoq. I was rooting for SuperBad (because we are) but I couldn't convince my bandmates. I play guitar, BoyChild sings and GirlChild drums (or more accurately, bangs randomly near the color she's supposed to be hitting while stomping around for the foot pedal and trying not to fall off the chair.)

BoyChild's affair with the drums ended when BabyCakes moved the chair he was sitting on during a moment of standing drum performance. Of course BoyChild went to sit back down and hit carpet. Jeez... nice move on your own son...

It appears that SuperRoq's forte is "Blitzkrieg Bop" - the only song we can make it through completely without the crowd calling for our slow death.

And there is something just wrong about BoyChild singing along to "Roxanne" - him crooning "...you don't have to sell your body to the night..." At least he's not asking questions about the deeper meaning.

In case you didn't think SuperRoq was punk enough to cover The Ramones, here's a picture of how we got crazy in the days before school started.

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Hey Ho...Let's go...

...A Good Blaster At Your Side, Kid

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 13:26:00 +0000

I think Dr. Nick Riviera said it best..."Hi Everybody!"

I'm one day ahead of the game in the world of teaching thanks to a long Labor Day weekend and thought I'd bring you news from the land of Honey Pie.

It's been a grueling few weeks attempting to figure out all the new-fangled things happening in education since I was teaching in the land of chalk and log tables. Now parents want the grades on the Internet, kids want problems on the SmartBoard and the head honchos want to keep tabs on the football players.

I decided that having my own personal desk at home was the way to go for organization and paid a visit to the local Office Depot last week. While considering my choices, I pulled up a chair to a modest Christopher Lowell edition desk and thought, "Damn, this chair is comfortable. In fact...it's so comfortable I could probably just sit here at the back of Office Depot for the next half-hour and not move."

"Ma'am...can I help you?"

"No. It's going to take me at LEAST 30 minutes to determine if this is the desk I want. Now go away."

I immediately entered a trance-like state, enjoying the silent surroundings of office desks and filing cabinets.

The kids are kids. I keep my special pets close by, within arms reach. I'm not sure if they appreciate the "NO WHINING" sign I put up, but I think it's helping. I've got Darth Vader pics by the sign as if to indicate that I have the power to silently choke whiners.

I plan on wearing all-black and my Vader mask for Halloween. I'll gladly take any Jedi/Sith training on choking techniques.

I've found that listening to Metallica gets me in the mood in the mornings now and mellow music just doesn't cut it on the commute. I've become the annoying driver with the bass thumping through the floorboards. The purpose of the war cry/chant prior to battle has been made even more clear. If you don't get your mojo going by the time the buses unload, you're dead meat. iTunes has seen a dramatic increase in my downloading of Rap and Heavy Metal. And I will continue to endorse the soundtrack to "300" as really good mojo music.

Off to prepare lesson plans for battle - welcome to my new world.

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Hoping to make the rounds today and click on some smiley-s for Humor-Bloggers. If I'm even still on their site, go ahead and click for me too.

ps. Thank you ALL for the kind words and support. I have been sad that I'm not able to respond to you each individually, but know that I read all the comments and it makes me HAPPY.

I'm Alive (Barely)

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:27:00 +0000

I'm so sorry folks. I had every intention of writing something witty this weekend about the hellish existence I've been living since last Friday.

Advice: After a seven year hiatus as a stay-at-home mom, DON'T take on a full time job teaching high school math a few days before school starts.

I don't want to see another piece of paper. Ever.

A highlight so as not to leave my peeps hanging: While carting approximately 300 lbs of Algebra text books (1 of 5 trips) to my classroom, a teacher in the hall stopped to say hello and then asked what I taught. I wiped the sweat from my brow and looked down at the cart of ALGEBRA books.

Math.

I teach math.

---------------------------

The students are OK.

I told them that if I catch them writing love notes - I CAN GUARANTEE IT WILL BE GOING VIRAL ON THE INTERNET WITHIN A WEEK.

Oh - an puh-leeze - I can live without seeing another freakin' Hollister shirt. How unoriginal.

Must go. Love you all. I miss you tons. Really! *weep*

Scary Days

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 09:02:00 +0000

I can't thank you enough for all the positive vibes and comments.

I love you all, but I must now freak out since I just carried my three teacher-edition texts home and they weighed in at 18 lbs. No lie. I've got a SmartBoard in my class that I don't know how to use, classes start Wednesday and my new best friend (who doesn't know it yet) is most unfortunately sharing her last name with a South Park character. I imagine her high-school teaching life is a living hell.

I will try to visit all your bloggy goodness as time permits and type up a worthy report at the end of next week.

I figure that getting this job was meant to be since I have found THE most perfect shirt, as V. Ice will model for you. (PS - No time for a decent clean up job on this pic.)

"if there was a problem

yo I'll solve it"

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Alice Outta Commission

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 01:24:00 +0000

Friends...

Alice has been working the system to obtain employment since BoyChild and GirlChild are both kickin' the elementary school scene this year.

Alice has been Googling the hell out of past universities to find obscure phone numbers and zip codes. And trying to figure out her GPA for education related classes minus the grades she received in Bowling, Golf and Ceramics I divided by the number of classes she skipped in 8:00 am Philosophy and Human Growth and Development. *damn, I'm nodding off just writing those classes down*

People.... philosophy at 8:00 am is just a bad idea. Don't do it.

Alice has been poppin' the xanax like they were tic-tacs.

Alice is starting to talk like Rickey.

If things go well on Friday, I will most likely be disappearing for several days. For a chick who hasn't taught in a classroom in over twelve years - the prospect is daunting. Especially with only a handful of days before school starts and one pair of capris that don't look trashy.

It things go badly, I'll be hunkering down with V.Ice, my tic-tacs and a needle and working up a whole new wardrobe for V.Ice's upcoming weekly sitcom. Since I'll be jobless. And have ample free time. Ample free time to Google more pics of men's beach volleyball player, Phil Dalhausser. Hey....shut up! It calms me down. See... I'm calm already.

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Do a girl a favor and click some smileys over at Humor-Blogs since I may not be around for a bit.

Middle Finger Moments in Africa

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 13:00:00 +0000

Sorry peeps. Suffering blog apathy and major mental blocks. Mowing and weeding are looking more palatable than sitting down to write.

As I was leafing through the photo albums, trying to jog some suppressed memories to the surface, I noted that I have a lot of pics with my middle finger in the air or a get-away-you-dumb-MF-and-let-me-wallow-in-my-misery type face. Why do you think people loved traveling with me so much? You'd think it was my sparkling personality, but really it was my willingness to slam my hand against the side of a pick-up truck and yell at shifty drivers that I'd just overpaid to haul my ass from point A to point B while sitting under a faded UN tarp in the rain.

(*Disclaimer: These pics are OLD. Alice has since borne a few kids and eaten her weight in Hershey Bars. Alice is roughly double the size you see in the pictures now.*)

(* Just read a comment and thought I'd catch my new readers up - I taught math in Kenya for two years with the Peace Corps. Got around a bit while I was there and afterwards.*)

Case 1: Alice riding bike in Kakamega, Kenya

My dear friend Chris lived in western Kenya near the very lush Kakamega rainforest and took me on an outing with another volunteer (pictured below). Riding bikes through a rainforest sounds exciting and lovely, doesn't it?

In fact, not so much. Look closely at the road in the picture above. That is mud. When you ride a bike through mud, your tires sink, you slide off the road if there is ANY sort of inclination and instead of a ride-through-the-rainforest, you end up pushing-a-bike-through-the-rainforest. It was middle-finger worthy.

Case 2: Alice waiting for matatu in I-have-no-idea-where-I-am, Kenya

(*clicking the matatu link above will fill you in on what they are*)

I'd love to be able to give you a more exact location, but Chris, Rena and I had gotten dropped at this particular location with the assurance that another matatu would come along, headed in the direction we need to get to. I know that you think the picture below doesn't look so bad. It's green with trees and it could be worse. It was.

(*side note - how could any man not want me when I wore the purple sack with sneakers?*)

Here is Chris in the middle of the road watching the incoming grey clouds.

No vehicle had passed us in over three hours.

The mystery matatu came as night and rain began to fall. It gave new meaning to the term "seething, stinking mass of humanity". But you know... the seething, stinking mass of humanity was preferable to dark, wet and outside alone.

Case 3: Alice waiting for lift in Sinai, Egypt

Mt. Sinai to the coast anyone? Hello? Bueller? Sitting in the middle of the desert was more boring than it may appear. I'm sure this picture was taken at a distance because I was gnashing teeth at folks who got too close.

I mastered this position as you'll see in the next photo too.

Case 4: Alice on train in Egypt

This is the look of a gal who had a ticket with a seat assignment until her two friends decided to jump the earlier train from Alexandria to Cairo.

By jumping the earlier train, you can see for yourself where Alice's seat assignment ended up. I still can't imagine how I didn't get my middle finger up in time for that shot.

Case 5: Rena at Bwindi Inpenetrable Forest, Uganda

OK - this isn't me, but Rena was one of my bestest travel companions and since I love her so much and managed to cheese her off more often than not, I thought I'd include my favorite picture of her. I can almost hear Rena now - "Get the hell away from me you immature dopes and let me soak my feet in peace." I'm pretty sure she was giving me the mental finger.

*BONUS PIC - JUST ADDED*

Sorry - last minute addition. I'm guessing that Joey's finger is saying - "Why Alice... I'm busy washing my clothes in your scary, black bathing room where I've been hunched over scrubbing out my underwear and socks for many minutes."

She was a fool. Life was easier if you never wore socks or underwear.

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Check out some funny folk at Humor-Blogs.

Honey Pie Weekend Update

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 01:38:00 +0000

For blogging purposes (OK... that's a lie) BoyChild and I went to Aardvark's for the Pokemon Legends Awakened pre-release tournament where I've discovered a fear that has a very real chance of manifesting.

Aardvark's has ONE bathroom and that bathroom opens directly up to a field of tables peopled with boys under the age of 15. In my heart of hearts, I know that one day I'll be in that bathroom, will have failed to lock the door securely and twenty boys are going to get an eyeful of my pasty white thighs against the backdrop of a Spiderman shower curtain.

In keeping with my AllMediocre button on the right, I had a 2-2 finish. My self-esteem remains intact since I was never paired with the kid who got an invite to the World Pokemon Championships. *whew* Crisis averted.

We attended a birthday celebration for Babycake's relatives smack dab in between DC and Baltimore. Traffic was shitty. In an effort to dodge backup on the Beltway and the BW Parkway we poked through the Agricultural Research area which is just a tad high on the desolate/eerie-o-meter.

Me: So what exactly are they researching here?

Babycakes: No idea.
Me: I bet there are sheep with three eyeballs like 'Blinky' in The Simpsons.
Babycakes: Hmmm... (hunches over and works feverishly on his Games magazine)
Me: I bet it's that rice that's got the vitamins in it already.
Babycakes (looking at me like I'm 'special'): Yeah, that's it... because we've got corn on either side of us that's seven feet high.

The party was pretty fun if you could answer trivia questions about Red Skelton and The Lone Ranger. That eliminated about half of us so I spent some time sitting over by the kids and the bubble machine. And by 'some time', I mean 'all my time' aside from that which I spent at the buffet table gathering the remnants of the olive tray and the honey mustard pretzel bits to gnaw on.

I've decided that those thin plastic tableclothes are just about completely pointless. Unless they are taped down, a kid is just going to mess with it enough to spill everything anyway.

I saved the day at the kid's Halloween-Bucket-Decoration-Table when the pink glitter glue pen got clogged and I was able to mash my earring through the tip. By reporting this, I am revealing how hard up for weekend material I am, while SOME folks were living the Wilco dream only several miles away. I was thinking of you the whole time Meg, while gouging the plastic with my sterling silver hoop.

Other weekend excitement - puchased toner for printer.

*hangs head*

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Posted at Humor-Blogs

V.Ice: Olympic Quadrathlete

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 05:15:00 +0000

Dear Diary,

I made it! I am offically representin' as the first US Olympic Quadrathlete! "The Ocho" caught up with me at the airport in Beijing with a few cashiers from China's first Mickey D's. That was right before some heavily armed dudes confiscated my sign and stole my porn and back-up porn outta my duffle.

Dear Diary,

This Olympic Village is SWEET! It's like living in the middle of the Giant Panda All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. Only with less waitstaff making hocking noises in the back.

Mary Lou took me back to her room. We kicked Kerri Strug out and she showed me some new moves for my rhythmic gymnastics routine. Heh, heh, heh... yeah... rhythmic gymnastics...

Dear Diary,

Who knew Chinese condoms would break like that? I hope ML is on the pill.

My first event this morning was on the high bar. I forgot to pack my cup and racked myself twice. The only thing that kept me going was my hot, fervent desire not to end up as a viral video. I nailed the landing and should have scored a perfect 10, but the Russian judge took offense when I laughed at Olga Stolichnaya's hairy pits.

Dear Diary,

My rhythmic gymnastics routine with the ball was FLAWLESS (almost). You really can't go wrong with 50 Cent. But it's like the Chinese have all these decency laws and kept bleeping out words and they have cameras EVERYWHERE. I lost serious marks when Bart Conner winked at me and I stepped out of bounds. Dammit.

Dear Diary,

My third event was the high jump. I think I'm going to end up on YouTube anyway. I had perfect form going up and over. The problem was I didn't go up an over the high bar, but the railing for the concession stand. Shut up Diary! The sun was baking my brain out there and Mary Lou was yelling 'EPT' from the sidelines.

Dear Diary,

My final event, the long jump, was this afternoon. My training in gymnastics has definitely paid off. I totally flew by Carl Lewis using a new technique I like to think I came up with called the "Vanilla Nut Buster." OK, it only got the name after the first time I tried this and couldn't get my back leg moved around for the landing.

Ha Ha... Carl was SOOO mad. He kept whining about "one at a time" and "get off the track".

Dear Diary,

That dumbass Ivan swore the juice was undetectable. Not only did I fail my drug test, but it turns out I've got the clap too. The Chinese are deporting me AND THEY EVEN KEPT MY HUSTLER! CNN wants to do a live interview regarding the scandal, but my publicist is holding out for People Magazine.

Yours,

V.Ice

ps. Call ML re: VD.

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Clicky a smiley over at Humor-Blogs for me, shǐ gāo xìng.

The Legend of Winter's Song

noreply@blogger.com (Alice) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 14:22:00 +0000

Once upon a time, there was a little ride-on toy.

The buttons on this toy were situated so perfectly, that when BoyChild rode it, his thighs would activate the buttons EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Mom told herself that the battery would die soon. Because toy companies are cheap bastards.

But after a whole year - the battery didn't die!

The song from the toy had etched itself into Mom's grey matter. And in a bad way.

Mom became pregnant with GirlChild and craved meat through the winter. In between staring daggers at the little ride-on toy.

In February, Mom was extremely round with child when the heat pump broke, the snow was falling and Mom called for help!

Mom was tired of wearing five layers of clothing around the house.

Mom got a phone call from the Heat Pump Guys who said they couldn't fix the heat pump because the driveway hadn't been shoveled. Even though they hadn't said it needed to be shoveled over the phone. And they were parked right in front of the house making the phone call.

Heat Pump Guys lied and said they had told Dad to shovel the driveway. It was a lie, because only Mom was on the phone with them.

So Mom threw on some boots and a coat and went out to their van in the street hoping that her huge belly would sway the Heat Pump Guys into action. But they were cold and heartless and Mom raged at them. Mom may or may not have used the "F" word. And the Heat Pump Guys left.

Mom was so livid when she returned to the house that she punted the little, musical ride-on toy across the living room. Hard. Plastic on the side snapped off. The seat was forever broken. But as if to say it's own version of the "F" word, the little toy broke into song.

And refused to die.

Until Mom took it to the dump. Where you can hear it continue to play if you listen very carefully on a snowy, winter's day.

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(ps. I've only hit a full-on rage state three times in my entire life. Don't fear me.)

Posted at Humor-Blogs

Honey Pie

Phone For Sale. Cheap.

Iceland H2O : Part 3

Icelandic Wild Life: Part 2

Snyrting in Iceland: Part 1

Day Billion and 3

Day Billion and 2

Day Billion and One

Ahem...Not For You Dear...

Monkey Attacks and Electrocution Central American Style

South of the Border (the RIGHT way!) - Pt. 1

Incense and Peppermint and Codeine

*gulp*

SURVIVOR: ICE EDITION

Alice Does Modern Design

I Must Be The Best Teacher In The World!

Strange Existence

Head Bangers Ball

...A Good Blaster At Your Side, Kid

I'm Alive (Barely)

Scary Days

Alice Outta Commission

Middle Finger Moments in Africa

Honey Pie Weekend Update

V.Ice: Olympic Quadrathlete

The Legend of Winter's Song

gulp