"Little by little, one travels far."

Honesty

2016-10-06T19:43:00.000+01:00

I've been debating whether or not to post this as today's picture for project 365 or just find one from another day and pretend I took it on this day and that everything is totally fine. But the reality is, sometimes everything isn't totally fine.

Everyone wants to look at the rose tinted, instagram filtered view of parenting; whereby all the children are playing happily and even if they're having a tantrum it's totally fine and funny because children are hilarious and look they're crying because the breadstick broke.

But sometimes it's not fine and it's not funny and everything isn't okay. And that's not because of that one moment or one second or one day - it's because it's completely relentless and there is no break and no gap and no space and no stopping. No let up, no pause on the cycle of constantly balancing and walking on the knife edge.

Sometimes your kids cry and scream so much they make themselves sick and you just don't know how to make it better. Sometimes you have literally no idea what you're doing or how to stop the situation and you just feel woefully unprepared and incapable. And when all 3 decide that it's the perfect time to start, sometimes you wonder how on earth you ever thought you were a good enough parent to manage this and surely the kids would be better off with someone better.

It's not that you don't love your children more than anything. It's that you have absolutely no idea what you are doing and you're trying your best but it's just in no way good enough and everyone has an opinion but no one can fix it for you and you have no idea whether or not you're doing a good job but you would literally move mountains for those children.

So - some days are like today. Where you're sat in a bath so hot it makes you feel a bit sick in the hopes that when you get out everything will feel a bit better, and you'll have the mental and physical energy to wake up every hour and do it all again tomorrow and try to not fuck it up. And just cross your fingers and hope that you're doing anywhere near enough. Because you haven't got any more left to give.

2016-09-16T19:30:00.000+01:00

We are now a 5! I have been trying to find time to write everything down and obviously forgotten that time is a limited quantity in the school holidays with a new born. I can't seem to find 5 minutes to shower let alone write an eloquent and appropriate description of our life and a birth; but I suppose we've got to start somewhere.

Also apologies if this makes little to no sense, I've written this over the period of over a month during the small periods of time I can snatch here and there so there may be little continuity.

Our smallest little person was born a few hours after my last post where I was having a rough time. I felt absolutely rotten all afternoon after having a fourth sweep and just felt awful. I wasn't contracting or having any sort of useful pain, I just felt like absolute rubbish. Stomach ace, sickness, heavy limbs and just a general feeling of malaise.

We had plans to have friends over for chilli (sorry guys!) but I cancelled 5 minutes before because the idea of seeing people and having to pretend to be social and nice just made me feel horrid. I paced the garden a bit, I tried to tidy the house, I just couldn't settle anywhere. I was feeling incredibly down and rubbish - in hindsight things were probably starting to move but I didn't know this at the time! I had some quick food, and gave up for the day telling Mitch I'd see him in the morning when I'd still be pregnant.

Around 9pm I tried to go up to bed, but just couldn't settle and tossed and turned while Mitch was downstairs. I pottered round our room a bit but just read and tried to get to sleep, till 10pm when I sat upright in bed and felt a trickle. I hobbled to the bathroom and made sure I definitely wasn't imagining things / had wet myself and came downstairs to tell Mitch not to worry / rush but my waters had started to go.

10.15 - Mitch practically forced me to call the labour ward, as I was just going to head back to bed and try and get some more sleep. I gave them a quick call and felt really silly - "Hi, I'm not in labour but it's my third baby and my waters have started and I'll call you back later". I was incredibly glad I'd called them then!

I started to get a few pains around 10.30pm, coming every 2-3 minutes, lasting 30-45 seconds ish. I think I gave my mum a heads up and mentioned things were starting but no rush? I can't remember. Mitch also insisted on starting to set up the room / fill the pool, again despite my insistence things were going to be hours and it was going to be a waste.

10.45pm - pains still coming every 2-3 minutes. Hurting and having to stop and breathe through and focus. Gave the hospital a call to tell them to please send someone soon. They told me they'd sent someone out following my first call (so glad of this!) and they should be there in the next 30 minutes as they were coming from Hucknall.

11.00/11.15 ish - still every 2 minutes. The pool was still filling and I was getting quite frustrated it wasn't filling quickly enough and I remember doing quite a lot of pacing and breathing and holding on to the pillars. The midwife arrived and checked me and baby over in between contractions, all was okay. I had to decide if I wanted her to check how far along I was, and I was terrified she was going to check and I'd be 3cm still and have hours left to go. I was 5cm dilated - not the worst but not great. At this point I'm thinking I'm in for a long night but try not to take it to heart and jump back up, as contractions on my back / lying down were the worst.

During each contraction I'm trying to focus on breathing, swaying, and keeping my fingers and face nice and relaxed. They seem to be coming very quickly and strongly, so I decide to jump in the pool while it's still filling just to see if it helps - I figure if it slows the labour down so be it, but at least it will give me some pain relief. I think around 11.30 I jump in the water and immediately feel more supported, calmer, and much more focused and in control. I can breathe through each contraction and move around more freely - the SPD was really stopping me from getting "comfortable" before, whereas in the water I could listen to my body.

11.45 I think the second midwife arrives and I struggle to even acknowledge her arrival as I pretty much tell them I'm pushing and the baby is coming. I remember this being the most intense / painful pushing stage of any labour I've had. I know it was super quick but I just remember feeling like I was being pulled apart by horses and asking for gas an air to be reminded it was a little too late for such things! She arrived into the pool at 11.57, in my lovely calm house surrounded by people who loved her!

I love home birth. I jumped out after and had pop and toast on my sofa while everyone busied themselves doing all the bits they needed to and I got into my comfy lovely bed to snuggle up with everyone. I felt empowered, strong and calm through the whole situation because I knew I was in my safe happy place and I was free to move and do as I pleased!

Although this was the most painful labour (despite being the shortest!), the difference between pre-labour with the SPD and a few days later was just incredible, and now I am 100%. I literally cannot believe how quickly it changed and I'm so glad to be feeling physically back to normal as I thought there was no way I'd ever be the same again!

She is now 7 weeks and it's all been a bit mental. She was born on the first day of the school holidays which basically meant I got 2 days to get my shit together then we had to hit the ground running! She has been carted to Wheelgate, Center Parcs, pretty much every park near us, and here there and everywhere. The 6 weeks holiday was pretty exhausting for us all but I consider myself pretty lucky to have been able to do so much. I'll sleep when I'm dead right?

I can't decide who she is yet - she's not a Violet and not an Alice and she seems pretty in the middle so far. She doesn't scream and scream like Alice did, but she's definitely not as chill as V. I guess she's a little Meredith and she needs to decide for herself. She looks like neither of them and she has beautiful golden curls. I can't imagine a time when she wasn't in our lives.

With love and light xo

40+11 - Homebirth / Induction

2016-07-25T17:13:00.005+01:00

Having a bit of a wobble today. I thought I might go overdue, and I thought I might even make it to 10 days like Violet, but I'm sort of in unchartered territory for myself now.

Woke up at 3am checking and rechecking all my facts with regards to NICE Guidlelines for induction, AIMS, research on pros and cons of induction and just generally the next steps moving forwards. I've agreed to go in and have the baby monitored tomorrow for half an hour at +12 days, then we will take it from there. I'm guessing they're going to suggest induction at +14 days and I'm going to push for monitoring again, and we will take it from there.

It's in no way that I don't want this baby out (dear God do I want this baby out right now!), but at the moment for me the risks of induction far outweigh any risks of keeping the baby in. Baby is currently happy, heart beat fine, moving fine etc. Obviously if anything weren't right I would reconsider, but research has shown that induction leads to intervention in 2/3 of births. Something like 1/5 of inductions end in caesarian and that's just not a route I can go down with the 2 other kids at home to look after!

So at the moment I'm happy to delay induction till at least 15 days over - where I wobble is homebirth at +15. At the moment I'm kind of thinking that that's a bridge we will just have to cross and evaluate when we get there. No point worrying about that just yet!

I've been trying so hard to be super positive and take a very much "baby will come when she's ready" approach, but today I just hurt and I'm tired and I'm sore from yet another sweep (Sweep number 4. Ouch.) and I just feel like this is never going to happen. Realistically I know that's not the case but I'm just so uncomfortable and fed up of being on edge all the time reading into each little twinge and trying to decide if they mean anything.

Saturday after sweep number 3 I started having regular tightenings / pains around 3ish and they carried on and off until 7/8. Every 10 mins like clockwork. We sent the kids for a sleepover and I honestly thought things were happening but was trying not to get excited. Nothing! Every night I get contractions it seems, and they just fizzle out to nothing. I've had this on and off for weeks and I'm a bit worried I'm not going to recognise the real thing till late. Realistically I know that won't happen, but it does add a bit of a "fun" element to arranging childcare / filling pool etc.

We have a birth pool inflated in our dining room and I've given up putting it up and down! It is currently just a design feature of our house. I found I can't sleep without it up as I constantly dream of going into labour and not having anything ready.

Trying to make sure the house is always clean, tidy and birth ready is a bit of a pain in the arse too. I mean we don't exactly live in squalor normally but I'm so done with trying to live in a show room! Especially when pretty much everything hurts right now.

Right - moan done! I need to suck it up and crack on. Baby will be here soon and I am incredibly lucky to be in this position. Everyone is healthy and this time next week I would assume we will have a baby. Onwards and upwards!

With love and light xo

40+1

2016-07-15T11:20:00.002+01:00

Only writing this stuff down so I don't forget it - may be TMI so don't read if you don't like gross stuff. After 2 kids I have lost my grossness filter so soz! That maybe means don't read if you don't like to hear anything about vaginas or the word cervix makes you feel a bit sick in your mouth.

Okay - yesterday was due date. Obviously I'm no medical professional but baby is still on the inside as opposed to the outside. This is the opposite side to what we're currently aiming for apparently. And this is the thing with babies - they kind of come when they're ready rather than when we're ready for them!

We're pretty much ready at home - anything that isn't done by now isn't going to get done. There's still some painting and stuff to sort from the downstairs remodel thing but I think anything that isn't finished now will be added to the list of things that will never get done. It's a long list.

Tuesday I had a scan as my bump had measured static for growth for a few weeks, after measuring 3/4 weeks ahead the whole way through. I was totally fine about this, until I woke up about 2am freaking out that I hadn't even thought about it and what if they decided to keep me in and deliver the baby that day. Much to everyone else's chagrin I'd not really got a hospital bag so I shoved some stuff in a carrier bag and called it quits.

Thankfully all was fine and baby measuring great. Violet was disappointed because she couldn't really see the baby so she got mostly bored of the scan. According to their measurements baby was weighing around 7lb 4oz but that's like trying to tell how much someone weighs by looking at their hat. I am still thinking over 9lb.

(TMI bit) - Yesterday had a sweep at the midwife - 1.5/2cm dilated and cervix moving down. All good things but mean not a lot really! Started to regret having it last night as as soon as I was putting kids to bed had a bit of a melt down.

Completely exhausted from the past few weeks where Violet has been ill constantly - sick / vomiting most days and we've just been a bit here there and everywhere. She's been absolutely foul and Alice has been feeding off that and we've just had 3 weeks of cleaning up sick and very little sleep. I've been waking up at 3am after about 3/4 hours fitful sleep and then we've had hospitals and doctors and appointments coming out our eyes. However - I'm going to regret writing this - as of the past few days I feel like we're hopefully moving onwards and upwards. No sickness these past few days and she's started tentatively eating bits again and being a bit more chirpy.

So add the worry of that to the sweep yesterday, then I spent all evening in pain but not a good contraction-y pain just an all over ache, and I broke. The girls were acting up at bed time due to a culmination of chosing the same book and me attempting to suggest Alice needed her toes cutting, until Mitch found me crying in their room with both of them trying to fit on the rocking chair with me. Happy times!

Buttttt, last night I managed to stay asleep until sunrise after a lovely massage. Pain stopped this morning. (TMI) Lost plug this morning which is a good thing but also can completely mean nothing at all! I've had a bit of a walk round this morning and currently writing this bouncing on the ball after mopping floors and making flapjack just incase. Today would be a good day for a baby!

With love and light xo

36+4 - Best thing to do when pregnant? Remodel your house.

2016-06-20T20:54:00.001+01:00

Haven't updated for a while because it's all been a bit mental here!

This all began around 6 months ago when we talked about the possibility of getting a log burner. We've been thinking about it for a few years but I was adamant that in the small living room it would be stifling and pointless. Since Christmas this kind of progressed into knocking out a wall to make our dining room / kitchen merge, as the dining room before was a bit of a dead space.

To me, it's really important we have a table to sit and eat as a family as regularly as possible. In my head it's a time to sit around and talk about our days and have family time - although at the moment it's normally a bit of a battle ground between us vs. children. Still - perseverance is key and I'm adamant it's going to pay off! But other than that the dining room was basically just a corridor between the kitchen and living room.

This evolved into the idea of also having double doors into the garden so the kids can run round safely while I can still see them and do a few bits in the house. Especially with us having the baby so I'm going to be a little torn between the 3 of them.

Before -

The only time my brother could book us in was the past 2 weeks, or when the baby came. We decided the disruption was far better off in pregnancy than with a newborn, so that's what we did! We still have stuff left to do - painting the fresh plaster and putting up shelves / storage etc., but we are mostly done now. I'd like to say I've been super chilled and relaxed about the whole affair, but that would be a complete lie. I have cried and sulked and not slept and generally been a bit rubbish - but I can honestly say now it's coming together it was totally worth it.

During -

The house is more open, and there's so much more light. The kids have more room to play and run round, and they can go in the garden safely. We swapped the living room / dining room round so we sit so much further back from the road. It's just lovely and I'm so glad we did it. By we I mean all the other people while I've mostly just sat around and cried.

After - ish!

One thing we didn't anticipate which has made things a bit trickier is my SPD. I'm not going to dwell on it too much as I don't want to be negative, but it's rubbish. I can't really sleep; my walking speed is that of an injured snail; and I can't do lots of the things I feel I should be able to. It hurts and it's frustrating and I just want to be able to do everything and I can't.

I've had to finish work earlier than I'd planned to, as I was just coming home every evening unable to climb the stairs without crying; or having to work myself up to getting out the car as it hurt too much. I'm still struggling, but at home at least I'm able to get in more supportive positions, and I'm trying to lie down every day when Violet naps for an hour. I feel like I'm the least fun mum in the world at the moment, and I can't be who the girls deserve, and that sucks the most. But - not forever hopefully! Onwards and forwards - people have it much worse than I do.

Baby wise - I am 37 weeks on Thursday. I am not at all sorted. Everything has been so house focused but I'm hoping this is going to start to wind down this week and I can start sorting baby things! To be fair, we have bought most of the things; they're just in a massive pile in the cot and I'd like to have a sort out.

This week I need to get the birth pool out and inflate and check for punctures etc. I need to get a few more home birth bits and just get everything together. I think the idea of it all is a bit abstract at the moment - I'm hoping when I've sorted through those bits I start to feel a bit more prepared and focused and I can shift some mental energy onto the fact we will have another baby soon, as even typing that sentence out feels a little bit strange!

Alice has predicted the 1st July and completely refuses to deviate from this date. She was having a conversation with the baby earlier via my belly button, and apparently the baby was saying she is definitely coming on the 1st July and she is going to buy Alice a present. The girls also decided between them that the baby needs a birthday cake when she is born, but they will eat it for her.

The midwife is coming to the house on Wednesday to go through birth plan / home birth stuff. I was stressing about the plaster on the walls but I've decided she must have seen worse!

Alice is ridiculously excited and keeps talking about it. Violet has very much decided to ignore it, but either coincidentally or not has definitely started the "terrible twos" complete with shouting, tantrums and foot stamping this past few weeks. It's going to be a big transition for everyone and I'm just hoping we all make it through the other side!

We have had a few weeks nappy free though - potty trained Violet day and night! I can take 0 credit for it - we've been trying on and off for months and getting nowhere, and I thought I'd give it a proper go over half term. She just decided that the potty was now acceptable and just did it, and then refused to wear nappies at night either! So for this brief few weeks I am nappy free for the first time in 5 years!

Sorry this has been quite long and dull - basically there's nothing to report other than I crazily decided to rip my house apart at 8 months pregnant and I am the size of a small house! Hoping for a more restful few weeks before baby decides to make an arrival!

With love and light xo

SPD

2016-04-26T10:04:00.000+01:00

Okay so I'm feeling more than a little embarrassed and anxious - so I'm putting this all out here. I find it far easier to write things down than I do to talk about them and it will hopefully help me feel a little more confident / less silly.

So, during this pregnancy I have SPD / PGP which I've blogged a little about before. There's loads you can read about it so I won't go through all of it, but its basically all centred round your pelvis giving up somewhat and becoming unstable - affecting your hips / back / pelvis / kind of everywhere a bit. Some days it's totally fine and I am almost pain free. Some days not so much.

I've been going to the physio every few weeks for a little while and they have been really brilliant. We are so lucky to have such an ace NHS! We have been working on exercises and supports to improve the stability and it's been going really well for the most part.

Sometimes I am totally fine and sometimes I'm not. I'm working really hard to be fine more times than not, but sometimes I'm failing.

So I've had a run of a couple of good-ish weeks, with a few bad points. Totally fine and completely manageable. Until it wasn't again. I was booked in for physio yesterday anyway so I hobbled my way there, and had a little cry on the poor lady. I do not cry. It was embarrassing. I do not like not being in control.

Long story short - I have crutches right now. Along with another support belt to wear on top of the other one I've been wearing for a while under my clothes. This is the bit I'm struggling with - I can deal with it when it's not visible. When it's only visible to me I can get through work, then come home and have a cry and go to bed at 8pm.

I do not like the crutches. They make me feel self conscious; over dramatic and vulnerable. They make me feel like I am ill, when I don't feel sick, I'm just a bit broken in parts right now / today. They also make me feel like next week, when I'm hopefully going to be totally fine, people will think I'm being ridiculous.

I really struggled getting out the car with crutches this morning at school drop off. Not physically (although that wasn't great!) but emotionally psyching myself up to answering questions and being visible as someone who is struggling today. I am not good at being someone who is struggling. I am good at being someone who has their shit together. The thought of using them at work on Thursday makes me want to be sick, but maybe that won't be the case and I won't even need them on Thursday. Hopefully.

So I'm writing this to hopefully help me feel a little more in control! Yes I have crutches right now. I am super hopeful that I will get rid again in a few days, and be chasing round after the kids as normal. I am also paranoid that when that happens, everyone will be talking about me behind my back and how I didn't even need them to start off with. I feel like a fraud and an idiot, and that's whats making me feel so anxious.

But, I need the supports right now. Both the physical ones I've been given, and the support of all you lovely lot. I hopefully won't need the former for much longer.

xxx

Dear Violet - 2 and half

2016-04-15T20:13:00.000+01:00

Dear Violet

You are just over 2 and a half.

I just spent a while looking through Alice’s entries for the same age- and you guys are just so different. I guess by now Alice already had a baby sister, so was going through a lot of change and upheaval, but you are just the chillest little person in the entire world. Your personalities have always been different, but you completely complement each other. You spend your whole time just going with the flow, and as long as you have food you’re happy.

You have the cheekiest face, and you like to point out to everyone that you're a little monkey! You jump from chair to chair, or climb into the window ledges, or roll off the coffee table pretty much constantly. You never sit still for long, and you just like to run round in circles. You scream “chase me chase me” and then pretend to cry till Alice rescues you from your capture.

You like doing anything that Alice is doing, but get bored a lot quicker. Your colouring is getting much better – you can choose which part of the picture you want which colour and love asking me to pick the colours out for you. You know all the colours now, and can count to 20-ish although sometimes have a bit of a wander off in the middle.

You completely dote on Mitch. Whereas Alice will always snuggle up to me and give me cuddles, your kisses are pretty much entirely reserved for daddy unless I have a biscuit to swap for them. You love fighting and tickling and playing rough with daddy, but that just means when I do occasionally get some kisses they are extra special.

It’s hard for me to separate you from Alice when I think about you - you’re so tangled up together and you share a room, clothes (not on purpose but you just help yourself to Alice’s a lot of the time), toys and books. You completely dote on your big sister and no one makes you happier than she does. Apart from when you hate each other and hit each other. But most of the time you’re pretty ace together.

We’ve been going to the hospital with your eyes regularly, and we’ve just started patching to hopefully correct the weaker eye. You weren't a huge fan but you’re kind of getting used to it now. You call it your pirate patch and as long as you’re distracted we can normally get the 2 hours a day in somewhere.

You still love food - especially meat. Your favourites are bacon, ham and sausage. We always joke that between you and Alice you can eat a whole meal but it’s completely true – on a Sunday dinner Alice will eat veg and yorkshires and you will eat meat and maybe mash when the meat stops coming. You cannot be talked to when we’re at the table as you’re too busy eating, and it’s such a contrast to the constant mealtime battle we used to have with Alice!

When you’re at home you've still been napping, although that’s kind of gone off course a little over the past few weeks while weave been on holiday. I love your nap - please continue napping till your like 30. Everyone loves a nap right?

Weave been attempting potty training every few weeks, and other than a few successes you aren't a fan. You generally just scream and cry and refuse to even entertain the idea. I don’t want to force you and make it traumatic for everyone, so we’ll keep pushing through and hopefully get there soon.

You had the best time ever on holiday. I didn't know if it would be too loud or too much for you, but you just couldn't get enough of the discos every night. You played musical bumps, entered all the competitions, sang (a bit) in the talent show, and just loved it. I think by the end of the week Alice was getting tired, but you could have kept on going for another week. All the bigger girls completely fell in love with you and were fighting over who could look after you every evening, and you obviously completely lapped up all the attention!

You’re not super sure about this baby lark. You talk to the baby a bit like Alice does, but I’m not sure how much you get it. But I’m sure you will approach it with your happy smile, cheeky face, and probably draw a moustache on her and deny it.

Love you pudding!

With love and light xo

Dear Alice - 5!

2016-04-13T20:08:00.000+01:00

Dear Alice

Tomorrow you will be 5.

I never really thought we would get this far. I mean, I guess I knew that you reaching the age of 5 was going to happen eventually, but I could just only picture it in some sort of abstract sense, like one day I will be able to go for a wee without an audience. But when you were born, and when you were my tiny Alice, I could never quite picture that one day you would be this incredible little person with opinions and a sense of humour and emotions and feelings.

5 is my favourite. Even though you’re not quite 5 yet I’ve decided already that I want to stop you exactly where you are now and not let you get any bigger. I told you this last night, and you rolled your eyes at me and told me that if I did that you wouldn’t get a birthday cake next year and that wasn’t okay. I tried to reason that I’d just buy you a cake and you could stay 5 but your exact phrase was - “Mummy. Don’t be silly. I will keep growing for the next hundred years and then I will be older than you but I will still give you kisses.”

You are just so big now. Physically and mentally, you just seem so grown up this past few months. I don’t know if it’s being pregnant, or seeing Violet grow up, or something else - but you just seem so huge to me. You’re all legs and arms and you’re not quite sure what to do with them. All your trousers fall down because you’re just so long! You are sometimes dainty and graceful, and sometimes you look like you’re not quite sure where your legs end.

We just switched all your clothes over and it has been such a faff! You have such a specific idea about what you want to wear and what you are never going to wear ever. It just isn’t worth the battle with you, so I order loads online and let you pick what you want / send the rest back. You then insist on picking your outfits every morning, which often ends with us going to Tesco with you in a tutu and wellies. I quite like it though – I like that you have a sense of independence and an opinion, so I can’t moan too much. Also girls clothes shopping is fun.

You have just come on so so much at school. Last term you won a merit prize for getting the most merits that term, and your prize was watching a film and having sweets and hot dogs with the head teacher. I had no idea you were even getting merits at school - so it’s always nice to know you’re doing well! I get literally no information from you about what goes on at school, but it’s obviously done you the world of good. You have come on so much with sharing, kindness, patience and empathy; alongside all the academic stuff as well. The academic stuff is ace, but I’m the most proud when you tell me you got merits for being supportive, or taking another student and trying to cheer them up.

You are absolutely flying through reading. Considering 6 months ago you could sound out basic words, you can now read pretty much anything. You sound anything out you aren’t sure of, but will quite happily sit and read Violet a book now. Because of your reading, it seems to have opened up this whole new world to you, of questions to ask and answers to find out. “Mummy – Why does that sign say drive carefully? Why does the TV say signal input required? What’s a speed limit?” I love how inquisitive you are. I need to remind myself that when I’m explaining road signs at 7am!

You can count to 100 and beyond, and love learning how to add up and take away. However it does mean I can no longer trick you with the number of mini eggs I have eaten.

Your personality has just grown and changed and you are growing and changing every day with all this confidence and kindness. We just came back from holiday, where you signed yourself up for a talent show telling jokes. You wouldn’t tell me the joke beforehand which was slightly disconcerting but you were ace. You danced and played games, and your favourite part of the holiday was the 2p machines apparently. You won some key rings which you shared with Violet, and most of the time you show nothing but kindness and empathy.

You can be a bit of a sensitive soul / mardy grump depending on whether you ask me or Mitch. Things upset you easily, and you can’t handle what you deem as not fair. Lots of things aren’t fair unfortunately, and I find myself repeating the standard parenting response - "Life’s not fair”. You can take a bit of coaxing and calming down over some things, and you get anxious and worried about things. Given the choice, you would stay at home with me all day every day.

You write little sentences and stories round the house, which don’t have any spaces in so generally need reading phonetically and the gaps need putting in to make sense. You sneak love notes into you boyfriends (boyfriend, I know!) bag and if I leave a shopping list around the house you will always add a few items. Normally cake.

You are incredibly kind and beautiful inside and out - you are hard work but you are my favourite Alice in the world.

With love and light xo

26+5 - Pregnancy Update

2016-04-12T19:05:00.001+01:00

Baby update time I suppose! 26+5 today, or around 6 months pregnant-ish as I’ve taken to telling people. I am massive. People feel the need to stop me in the supermarket and ask me if I’m due in the next few weeks or to see how many babies I’m going to have in this litter. This makes me feel so great about myself! In all seriousness though I’m massive. I’ve gained ridiculous amounts of weight, and although I feel incredibly blessed to have a healthy, lovely third baby growing, I do feel a bit like a whale already.

This is completely unfeminist / a bit gross of me, but I’ve already started to be anxious about how I’m going to look after. I feel like I managed to get to where I wanted to be health and body wise after 2, but 3 is completely pushing it right? I know all the things I’m supposed to say – 9 months on, nice months off etc. Andddd I’d rather have a ruined body and 3 beautiful girls. But, can I not just ask for both? And also to be able to eat all the biscuits all the time?

SPD wise – much of a muchness! I’ve been to physio a few times and got lots of exercises, support bands and things to do / not to do etc. I’m good at the exercises, but not good at following the “don’t do these things” advice apparently. Mitch assures me I’m a rubbish patient, but I just get anxious if things aren’t clean or sorted or organised. We did a big blitz on the house and garden at the weekend, with loads left to do but at least we’ve made a start. I need to start clearing the loft out and sorting out what we have / haven’t got. In short, hurting is rubbish and I’ve become super boring going to bed at 8pm every night with painkillers and a hot water bottle. Still, I’ve caught up on Grey’s Anatomy so lets look at the positives here!

I’ve started buying a few bits as I feel incredibly unorganised, and I need to clear out a drawer or 2 to shove the baby clothes in. I’ve started at least trying to round up the baby paraphernalia from it’s various places around the house and check what I need and make a list. A list always makes me feel better – it focuses my mind and I like putting ticks on things. I always add things to the list that I’ve already done so I can feel semi productive.

After much debate we bought a second hand double pushchair for the school run / longer journeys. Although Violet is more than capable of walking distances, it just depends if she decides that she wants to or not or if she just runs in random directions. We bought an Oyster Max, and I've just ordered a second hand carrycot for it too. The other pushchair is still ace so we'll probably keep that for when we want a single but nice to have the option.

Baby wise – there’s not much to tell! She is kicking up a storm which is always lovely, until the end when it’s not. We have reached the point where Mitch can no longer touch my stomach as it reminds him of the scene from Alien and makes him feel a bit sick. Alice loves touching the baby and singing songs to her, and she thinks my belly button is some sort of microphone extending into my uterus. I haven’t discouraged this belief.

She keeps telling me all the nice things she’s going to do with the baby, and how excited she is. She tells me that when the baby cries it means she is hungry and I must feed her and not to worry about Violet (or Vi as Alice calls her) as they will read books together on the sofa. Alice says we must make room in the bath for the baby and make sure she’s wrapped up lovely and warm when they get out the bath, unless the baby poos in which case everyone must jump out quickly. I’m not naïve enough to think that Alice will feel the same when baby is here, but it’s so lovely to have my big girl to share this all with.

Violet is mostly indifferent. I think she’s slightly concerned the baby will steal her dinner.

Alice would like to call the baby Rainbow Heart, and we’ve had a few little chats about how Rainbow is a lovely name but not quite for us. She has now compromised on the first name, but is adamant that Heart is a perfectly acceptable middle name.

Both girls are in agreement with the name we’ve chosen, and like to sing to her and talk to her. They both like looking at baby toys and clothes and would quite happily spend a small fortune on tiny things that are pink. Only pink though – if I suggest something else they both act completely outraged that I would ever consider placing a girl in something else.

This pregnancy is going incredibly fast. Honestly, if I could pause it and just soak up another year of being pregnant and spending time with my big girls then I would. But, I know we planned this gap for a reason. The girls are just absolute best friends now and just play together so beautifully. They make my life easier in that they like similar things; watch the same films; want to go to the same places. I know much bigger of a gap wouldn’t have worked for us, but at the same time I just want to soak up all the time I can with my favourite 2 people in the world.

In the same breath, I’m also incredibly excited to meet the next little piece to our puzzle, and see how they fit in to our already mental life. I’m looking forward to tiny baby snuggles, milky breath, soft hair, finger squeezes and us all getting to know each other. I’m apprehensive about lots of things, but overwhelmingly just excited.

With love and light xo

22 Weeks Pregnant

2016-03-14T18:44:00.000+00:00

Urgh. I haven't wanted to write as I haven't wanted to moan. I like to be able to fill this space with sunshine and happiness and magical children. But that's not really where we're at right now.

As always, magical preface to say I know how lucky I am. I get it. We're lucky. I really honestly do. But, I'm struggling a little at the moment.

I'm hurting and sore and as a consequence not sleeping. It's been getting worse, until I went to the doctors a few weeks ago after I had a really bad week.

The GP has diagnosed symphysis pubis dysfunction, or SPD. I'm hoping this isn't the case, and I'm pinning my hopes on it magically disappearing, but at the moment I think I'm being a bit ridiculous and need to be realistic.

I can walk and potter and do my normal bits and pieces, but by the afternoon I hurt. Not a little bit achey, like I could cry at my desk. I want to hobble home and go to bed. I've had a few days where it's been a lot worse and I've struggled. And I do not like struggling - I like being super pregnant woman and mowing lawns and running round and basically doing everything. And my body is currently saying no, and I'm finding that difficult.

I am mostly fine some days, but some days I'm in quite a lot of pain. I'm struggling with getting my head round this a bit, as it's difficult to realise it isn't going to go away and is most likely going to get worse.

I'm not good at asking for help, and I'm not good at taking it easy; so we'll see where this goes.

I have an appointment with the obstetric physiotherapist on Thursday to hopefully get a bit more advice and confirm what it is. In my head I'm terrified of 2 things - 1. It all being in my head and them basically telling me to suck it up and I'm being pathetic. Or 2. It being SPD and them basically confirming it's going to get worse until delivery. So we will see! Ideally option number 3 would be here - lets fix it. You're now totally fine - hurrah!

So - positive things. Nothing is wrong with the baby. I am healthy and fit a well and it's only pain. I am very lucky to be here anyway. Please remind me of all these things regularly.

Dear Violet, Alice,and I guess extra baby?!

2016-01-12T19:31:00.000+00:00

So it’s been forever and ever since I updated this as usual.

I feel like every time I blink something has changed and the girls are so much bigger and they are changing and growing and all I really want is to freeze this time where they are so little and I can keep them safe and I know exactly where they are all the time!

Little Violet,

I mentioned in the last post that your speech had finally started to develop - well now your speech is so much better! We have little sentences and you are so funny and know exactly what you want. “No mummy don’t silly”, and “Course I can” make me smile. You have a very Can Do attitude to anything I ask. Can you put this in the bin for me baby? “Course I can”. I think one of your hobbies is probably cleaning and tidying and putting things away. I have to hand you the items individually so you can put them in the bin.

We went to the hospital with your eye and you were actually amazing. Your vision is super poor and you need strong glasses, but you’ve massively took it in your stride. When we went to pick the glasses up you threw them on the floor and tried to stomp on them, so I thought we were in for a right battle. However since day 2 you’ve just realised you can see so much better with them and we never have a battle putting them on. They are super cute purple sparkly frozen ones and you look perfect in them. You’ve been back to hospital since and have been less impressed with the ophthalmologist trying to test you!

You still sleep super well – and still need a little nap in the day. We had a day last week where you missed the nap and were absolutely horrid for the rest of the day, so naps are hopefully around for the time being. You have never ever tried to get out of bed at night time, which is such a contrast to Alice! Soon you are (hopefully) going to start sharing a room with your sister in the bottom bunk and I’m really hoping that won’t affect your lovely sleep!

We’ve had a couple of false starts and attempts with potty training. You aren’t a fan at the moment and I’m trying not to push it. You pooed on the floor next to the potty so I put it in the potty and cheered and you were inconsolable for about 20 minutes. You like sitting on the potty and asking for a smartie and that’s as interested as you get. Alice now asks for a smartie when she goes to the toilet too, and I’m having to disappoint her that it can’t happen as a grown up!

You are so incredibly physical! You love jumping and climbing and getting yourself into danger. Over Christmas we went to Sherwood Pines and you were really in your element – you’re so strong and good at ladders and climbing and you show literally 0 fear. You love jumping and running round. I need to make more of an effort to take you swimming as we’ve not been in forever and I bet you would love it.

You still love to potter and play nicely – you like Happyland and Peppa Pig toys and making them all play and talk to each other. Your farm animals all make noises then they have to go inside the barn when it’s raining and you’re just so independent with it.

Everyone always comments on how sweet natured and lovely you are and it’s so true – but you’ve definitely started terrible 2’s and showing us when you’re unhappy. You stomp your feet and cry and throw things. When you cry your tears get trapped in your glasses and it’s the saddest thing in the world!

My Alice Palace,

You are so grown up now. I literally would freeze you at this age forever and keep you in my pocket. Last night I wasn’t feeling great after work so I had a bath and you asked if you could sit with me and help. You washed my hair, scrubbed my back, stroked my tummy then told me stories. I could have cried. You kept asking what else you could do to help and it just made me appreciate what a sweet, lovely little girl you are now.

You can now read and it’s just amazing! It’s just like it’s clicked all of a sudden and you are reading and spelling things out constantly. You read your school book to me and Violet most nights and I can practically hear the cogs whizzing when you get to a word where you’re stuck and sounding it out. The other day we went to nannys and granddads and their TV wasn’t working – you pointed at the screen and said “does that say communicating with networks”. It did.

You were an angel in your school nativity and it’s one of the best things I have ever seen in my life. You were a real Kate Bush angel and you stood on your own pretty much dancing up a storm and singing to yourself. You cried when I left and it was the saddest angel in the world!

However, alongside being super sweet you have definitely mastered the eye roll / sass! We have loooads less tantrums than we did, but you love to roll your eyes and sigh dramatically at me like I am the worst person in the world. It’s so difficult not to laugh when you’re having a total drama melt down because I brought the wrong pyjamas but it happens much less frequently now and on the whole you’re pretty reasonable.

At night time I take you upstairs and lie with you for 5 minutes and you tell me about your day. You tell me if you’re scared or happy or what happened at school and I could snuggle up to you forever. Slight problem in that I pretty much nearly fall asleep most nights but hey! I don’t think I’ll fit in your top bunk so I’ll miss the snuggles, although I do envision some sneaky stair climbing when I inevitably do try and sneak out the top of your bunk bed.

You’ve finally stopped with the 5.30 get ups, and I’m hoping 6.30 has settled down a bit. We’ve bribed you for a while and you can now play iPad for 30 mins in the morning if you have your uniform on, and I honestly couldn’t care if that’s awful parenting but we all neeeeed to not be getting up before 6am!

So – both of you. We’ve obviously looked at our lives and decided we are getting far too much sleep and life is far too simple (ha!) and decided to have another baby! I am well aware this is mental, but I love you guys so much that I can’t imagine not sharing all the love with have with just one more little person.

Violet has absolutely no idea what’s going on. If you ask what’s in mummy’s tummy she says “sister” but that’s about it. But Alice is so incredibly aware and asks about it most days. When she snuggles up to me at night she asks how baby is and tries to talk to them! However the slight issue is that Alice doesn’t want a brother. Like she’s not mentioned it in passing – every day. She refuses to entertain the idea that this baby might be a boy. If you say it might be a boy, she just replied “it might be a girl.” I’ve read books, looked at pictures, looked through names with her, and she just refuses to believe it might be a boy.

We said to Alice if it’s a boy we can go shopping and buy some toys or clothes. “Mummy if it’s a boy I won’t buy it anything or play with it or love it.” Woops!

So, this is my excuse for buying an early scan off Groupon – and I’m taking Alice with me! I’m hoping seeing the baby might soften the blow a little bit and she can maybe bond a little? Here’s the plan! Plus it’s just an excuse and I’m desperate to know!

Everyone knows and has had to for quite a while. Mostly because even though I’m 13 weeks I’m the size of a 6 month pregnant lady, and secondly we had a bit of drama at the beginning with bleeding and scans etc. so had to tell a few more people. Here’s hoping for a drama free next 6 months.

I am tired and achey but I know I’m incredibly lucky. My sickness has hopefully stopped for a while, and I'd reeeally like it if that stayed away as I was super miserable. I’d like to try and blog a bit more through the pregnancy again but I’ll probably post again in 6 months time when baby is here. Oh well!

With love and light xo

Dear Alice and Violet - 4 1/2 and 2

2015-10-20T10:42:00.000+01:00

My little Violet, who is now 2 and no longer my baby Violet (sob!)

Your speech has suddenly blossomed, from the occasional yes or no, to lovely little phrases. Not quite sentences, but you can completely get your point across and you are so sweet with it! “Mummy dink pweeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!”. You can finally say Alice, after ages of just calling her “Lilet” she is now “A-iss” and you shout her constantly.

We’ve moved you into a big girl bed, which (touch wood) has been a surprisingly none event. I was dreading doing it, as we had such a nightmare with Alice and naptimes with it, but you’ve just took it with your usual laid back attitude and it’s not even occurred to you to be an issue.

A few weeks ago you woke up one morning with a lazy eye. After a bit of a battle with the doctors, who were a bit useless, we have got an appointment for you at paediatric ophthalmology to get it looked at. I am not looking forward to this at all – you’ll need eye drops to dilate your pupils and I can’t see you being a fan. I’m hoping it’s all nothing to be worried about and just glasses and perhaps patching needed.

You aren’t a great fan of being constrained, and want to walk everywhere. This is totally fine, until you take about 3 hours to do the school run! When strapped in the pushchair you scream and scream until I give you a banana and then suddenly everything is totally fine all over again.

You’re settling in really well at the childminders after a few weeks of tears at drop off. Most mornings you ask if we’re going there, although you do struggle with the long days and are a grump by 6. I think we’re all struggling with the long days a bit at the moment but it is what it is!

Everyone who meets you – health visitors or ladies in the street, comment on how lovely and smily you are. You obviously have your moments, but you are an absolute sunshine and cheer everyone up. You also now think trumps are hilarious.

Alice Palace – what can I say about you at the moment.

You and Violet are becoming closer and closer and it’s amazing to see. In the morning you run up the stairs to fetch Violet, knock on her door, and greet her with a huge “Morning my little sister!”. At naptime you tuck her in and sing her a song, breakfast time you pull faces at each other and swap toast when I’m not looking, you snuggle up with books and steal each others clothes.

You’ve started school, and you are brilliant. You thrive there like I knew you would, but we still have a moan most mornings about going. We had our first parents evening and the teacher was full of plenty of praise – especially for your writing. I have no idea what you do at school because the only thing you normally tell me is what you had for pudding.

You have been writing phonetically and spelling phrases out and it’s wonderful to see what you’re thinking! Although you did write “Alice” on the table and try to blame it on your sister. Then the cat. Then me.

You tell jokes and you lie and you spin stories and you are genuinely hilarious to be around. You make me laugh and you tell me to hold your hand if I’m scared (when you’re scared) and you cuddle me and make me so happy. Apart from when you’re not, and you can still be very difficult. You can whine and grump and stomp and strop like the best of them! You are very much the little girl with the little curl in the middle of her forehead, who can sometimes be very very good…

We’re still on the mostly 5.30 get ups, but you know you have to stay in your room till 6. It’s a work in progress. I’m not convinced you will ever be a sleeper but that’s just how you are!

It’s difficult to write these about you separately now as you are very much just my girls! You are so incredibly different – absolute polar opposites of each other, but you both make me smile and I am very lucky. Alice would call me a very lucky duck.

Dear Alice and Violet, 4 and a bit, and nearly 2!

2015-07-31T20:18:00.001+01:00

Right my little princesses - so of course it's been about 4 months since my last blog (must make more of an effort!), so what's new with you?!

Violet you are still an absolute delight!

You are still an incredible eater and pretty regularly eat adult portions of whatever we give you. Considering how Alice can survive on bread and air, you just cannot eat enough! One of the few words you can say with regularity is "more pleeeeeeeeez".

You are starting to speak much more, but you're still not super bothered. I know you can say quite a lot but you're quite happy just to watch and take it in! Either that or you can't fit in a word edgeways with Alice yabbering on! You can count to 10 (ish) and you like to sing twinkle twinkle and hickory dickory dock. You're favourite word is "no" which you say to anything that doesn't involve food or the park.

You like to dance, as long as dance means run round in concentric circles till you fall over dizzy. You like to do this while holding the pink ukelele and singing to yourself!

The house is constantly full of your giggles, and you think Alice is the funniest person in the entire history of the world.

You find it impossible to walk anywhere, and bolt everywhere at amillion miles an hour, normally falling on route. Then you giggle, dust yourself off and run in the opposite direction.

We've recently been camping for the first time, and a few weeks before that we went to Center Parcs. You were an absolute gem for both - you just love being outside and playing and running free. At camping you spent the whole weekend running naked round a field; chasing butterflies, eating apples and getting mucky. You came back covered in a layer of river water, suncream and grass - and I've never seen you happier!

The tantrums have started properly. You don't like being told no, or not being fed constantly. We're working on it!

Alice Palice, my absolute favourite person in the world - you are getting so big and so clever!

You are forever making me laugh and telling me jokes and stories. You are incredibly creative and there are absolutely 0 flies on you. You have a rhyming pocket, where you put any rhyming words throughout the day. I mentioned this at parents evening thinking this was a school thing - nope. You just made it up!

At parents evening I was so pleased to hear about how well you've done this year. You've come on so much - you write really clearly now and can recognise all the letters / numbers up to 100 (I particularly like tooty two - 22). You draw beautifully when you don't get distracted, and love drawing rainbows and cats with 10 legs.

We've had a few issues at home with your behaviour, but it was relieving to hear that it completely isn't an issue at school. In hindsight I think you were probably just tired and you've been much better for the past few weeks.

At the moment you're completely torn - you love and dote on your sister more than anything in the world, but you are getting increasingly frustrated that she wants to touch all your things and play with you constantly - "Mummy why has she ruined my magnificent tower????", but you also can't be without her for longer than 5 minutes. She cries if you leave anywhere without her, and you just aren't the same without each other.

You still get up at 5.30 most days (urhhhhhh) with runs of 6.30 occasionally. This is just how you are! You've asked to share a room with Violet and are absolutely desperate too - I think maybe we'll do this next year. (Opinions anyone? Bad idea??)

You loved Center Parcs and camping too, with a few melt downs due to tiredness! You just go go go and go, then somehow reach a screaming stop when you're broken and I've ordered pizza because you wanted pizza but turns out you meant fishfingers. Ce la vie.

I am incredibly proud of both of you, and happy with what lovely little girls you're becoming, but sad you're no longer my little babies. I miss the little snuggles and tiny baby feet and cuddles and kisses and soft cheeks! What a lucky person I am x

With love and light xo

Dear Alice and Violet - nearly 4 (urgh!) and 18 months!

2015-03-16T19:25:00.000+00:00

I always forget to blog, then recently I spent a bit of time reading through past entries and realise how nice it is. Like this blog is Alice at the same age as Violet - http://evenstarx.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/dear-alice-1617-months.html. Soooo different!

So, a bit of an update.

Dear Alice,

My little gem! You are 4 next month. You sat me down and asked for a party; specifically with balloons, a bouncy castle and a cake. Done, done and done! All you've asked for for your birthday is a balloon and an Anna dress. I am really appreciating these last few cheap birthdays! I think we're just going to renew your Wheelgate pass, as you get tons of fun out of that.

You are so lovely at the moment. If I could keep you at this age forever I would! You stroke my face, brush my hair, kiss me and tell me I'm pretty. Then ask for a biscuit.

You are basically just me, shrunk down. I completely understand all your frustrations and angers when things aren't quite right, and I'm there with you trying to make it all okay! Everyone describes you as "intense", which we all know just means a bit crazy. Or "strongwilled". Sometimes we get "independent".

We went on holiday to Alton, and I was terrified beforehand that you just wouldn't sleep or eat and generally just be a bit mental. In reality, you were lovely. You went to bed every night at around 7.30, despite our best efforts to keep you awake a bit longer! Yes you woke up at 6, but you were at least happy! We went to Cbeebies land and Mr. Bloom was there, so we had to go to his show 3 times. It was the same every time, but you were happy!

There was a hot tub which you went in pretty much constantly with Amelia. You have asked me pretty much constantly why we don't have a hot tub, a question I have often considered.

We went to Monkey Forest, and you were mildly impressed by the monkeys, but more distraught you couldn't have a snack while you were in there. We bought you and Violet a toy monkey each, and you named them Dusty and Daisy, and insisted they were sisters and best friends. Awwwww!

You had your face painted at the pub for grandads birthday and it was quite possibly the best thing I've ever paid £1 for. Worth it amillion times over. I literally nearly wet myself.

You're reading and phonics have come on loads. You can recognise and write most / all of the letters, sound out and read most 3 letter words, you guess the letters in longer words and are always telling me what things begin with.

We started swimming lessons this month, and you have been ace. I didn't know what you'd be like without me in with you, but you just jumped in and plodded on like it wasn't an issue at all. 3 weeks in you're already getting better.

Mama got you a red nose for comic relief. You gave it the name "Loopy" and make it kiss everyone. Please stay nearly 4 forever!

Dear Violet, or Violet Pilot as your sister calls you, you are now 18 months old.

You sometimes say a few words, dada, no, ta, and bayybeeeeee which you say like that and it's the most adorable thing ever.

You are obsessed with babies. Carrying them round, feeding them, getting their milk, kissing them, making everyone else kiss them. Pretty much the only thing I hear you say most of the time is "baybeeeee" and then make kissing noises!

You love slides. Alice always hated slides, and you cannot get enough! I went in the garden for 5 mins to peg some washing out and ended up spending hours lifting you up the slide in the garden while you giggled.

You chase Alice round all the time, hide from her and tickle her, and try to play snap with her. You just want to be involved in anything she's doing, and would follow her to the end of the world.

On holiday you slept really badly, but that's because you were in a room with us and kept waking up wanting to play! You loved the In the Night Garden boat ride, and just being around other kids and trying to be in their games.

You still eat like a machine. Given the chance you will just start eating at 7am and stop eating just before bed. Whereas Alice would survive on half a cracker and a squash, you are always fetching me your high chair to remind me to feed you! I can't complain, you eat all good stuff, but you are just a little bottomless pit!

At the moment you walk everywhere and scream bloody murder if I try and strap you into anything. You won't hold hands, and mostly just want to run off in any direction away from me. God forbid we have to go a certain way.

You have entered the age of the tantrum. If I have to take something away from you, you will throw yourself on the floor and scream. That's also generally the reaction if I try and put your shoes on.

The person who makes you happiest in the world is Alice. You are sad most mornings when we drop her off at school, and perk up when you run in to fetch her. It is my favourite thing in the world to see you 2 together, and completely melts my heart. Alice always shouts you and cuddles you and tells you you're the best sister in the world. I think so too. x

With love and light xo

Dear Alice and Violet - 45 months and 16 months!

2015-01-05T20:21:00.000+00:00

Jeeeez have I really not blogged since October? How on earth did I not notice that! Life seems to be going about amillion miles an hour lately. It’s not that things haven’t happened, I just haven’t really thought to write about it.

We’ve just had a lovely (and exhausting?) couple of weeks off for Christmas with the kidlets. It was absolutely the best Christmas ever. To be able to feel Alice’s excitement when it came to arranging the carrot for Rudolph and the cookies – she insisted on baking gingerbread – for santa, was just amazing. And by feel I mean actually feel - she was physically shaking with excitement a lot of the time! Every morning on the way up to Christmas I would wake up to an Alice 2 inches from my face saying “9 days to go mummy”. Slightly adorable, slightly terrifying.

The girls were so incredibly behaved over Christmas day. I’d prepared myself for some epic breakdowns over sharing presents and over excitement, but they were beautiful. They played, and shared, and were both just so so happy. It helped that we were at home I think, and they could play with their own stuff, but they were lovely.

So, time for a bit of a catch up.

Dear Alice, you are now 45 months old.

You are so tall and slender now! You would survive pretty much on snacks and air given the opportunity, so it can be a bit of a battle at tea time. We’re currently we’re just going with – here is your food. If you do not eat it, you will be hungry. You don’t really eat much meat, you would survive entirely on green beans and corny cob given half the chance I’m sure.

You love nursery. You love the social aspect, and seeing all your friends. You love running round like a crazy person. You are learning so much every day, and when you come home you are just shattered. You told me a few weeks ago that your full name had 7 syllables and then proceeded to clap it out for me. You are constantly correcting me (“Mummy don’t be silly, that is not true”) and telling me all the exciting things you have learned. I am so happy you like it and it’s a pleasure to see you grow. I love the nursery, and I think your teacher is brilliant.

Just before Christmas was your school nativity, where you were a twinkly star. Watching you stood there singing Away In A Manager was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and I am so incredibly glad that I could be there. The last week at nursery, you did the panto, 2 lots of nativity, nursery party, and Santa came in. You were shattered and grumpy, but I know you had a lovely time.

The past few weeks you’ve improved your pen control (“pinchy parrot”!) and now write and draw beautifully. I love the imagination and thought that goes into your drawings. This morning before school you drew me, daddy, baby Violet and Amelia, and it’s the nicest picture ever. Unfortunately you did draw it red pen on red paper so it’s a little difficult to photograph / see but I know it’s there! You wrote beautiful placecards on Christmas day for everyone, and you insisted on writing all your own Christmas cards this year.

You are so good at singing and dancing and you are always telling me “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the show is about to begin” followed by 25 minutes of twirling and leg pointing. You got a few more dressing up clothes for Christmas and often the show requires a costume change. You will refuse any help, and currently want to get dressed on your own every day. Pants took 30 minutes last week, but you did tell me that pants were tricky.

The past few weeks at home with everyone you have been lovely, with patches of crazy. You still wake up at 6 / 6.30, so by the evening you are just shattered and grumpy. The one person you always have time for is Violet, although you’ve taken to calling her Cubby or Vi. You love her to pieces, as long as she’s not trying to use the toy your currently using. Which is 98% of the time. I love seeing you chase each other round and tickle chase, it really makes my heart sore, but my ears hurt!

You've taken to wanting to perform a Crufts like routine every evening where you have to jump through the hoop - both of you. I have no idea where you got this from but it keeps you occupied for hours. I'm thinking if we can work up to lighting the hoop perhaps we'll get on Britains Got Talent?

It snowed too! You loved the snow and made a snowman called Snowy but then you got cold and I made chicken soup and it was the wrong kind of chicken soup.

Love you pudding cup!

Baby Violet you are now 16 months old, and it’s fair to say you are a chunky monkey. You will eat anything and everything that isn’t nailed down. Last night you stole and apple off your sister and ate the whole thing behind the sofa – core and all. This was maybe an hour after a Sunday dinner, and a whole orange for pudding. You are a lovely cuddly eating machine!

You completely dote on your big sister, and want to follow her round, do whatever she’s doing and basically be her shadow. Your favourite thing to play with is Alice’s pushchair and your little babies you got for Christmas. You sit them in the highchair with you and you feed them and blow on their food – it is literally the nicest thing I’ve ever seen. You normally carry 2 babies round with you ,1 under each arm. You push round and snuggle them and tuck them into bed with their bottles – aww!

We went to Wheelgate the other day and you went on the train with me for the first time! I forget how big you are getting, in my head you’re still super tiny but you are running round and playing games now. You run really quickly, and have completely changed shaped from a baby to getting to be a toddler.

You just want to be involved in anything with people. You are still very content and happy, but have had a few tantrums these past few weeks! One lasted 45 minutes, because I wouldn’t let you have the toilet brush. You do have a completely different personality to Alice though – you’re more wary of new people and new places. You want to be snuggled and hugged and carried much more, and you want to care for things. Alice always (and still does) just goes in headfirst, where you like to take a step back and assess what’s going on.

Although you don’t say much more, we know what you mean now. You make the right noises, and point at the right things. You could read books for hours, just changing the pages and pointing at all the pictures. You love pop up books – “there it is!”, and finding the bear.

You have gone back to waking up in the night most nights for some milk, which is frustrating!! We can’t possibly feed you any more, but if we don’t take you milk you just shout for hours! Cuddles won’t do – you are hangry! A bit wearing, but not forever I suppose. Hopefully.

You change so much every day, and I do love my girls. Best Christmas ever, and here's to many more of the same.

With love and light xo

Dear Alice and Violet - 42 Months and 13 Months

2014-10-07T19:08:00.000+01:00

Dear Alice,

You are now 42 months old. I had only just added that up and it’s a bit mental really. What did we do without you?

A few weeks ago you started nursery school every morning for 3 hours. The first few days you were absolutely fine but then had a bit of a melt down and had a week of pulling my leg and screaming and crying. It was very difficult to leave you and there were a few tears shed by everyone, but now it is your favourite place in the world!

You love spending time with Phoebe and Amelia at nursery. You’ve told me you don’t play with the boys as they pinch your nose. Fair enough!

You are so funny to talk to! Last week mama told you to just have a sit down for 5 mins, to which you responded “It’s not all about you you know mama.” You told me there was a “right palava” at nursery at snack time! You asked if we could do a "sophie" on the train. Turns out you meant selfie! Happy to oblige - see below!

At the weekend, Violet wasn’t very well so I took you to Wheelgate on the Sunday to get out for a few hours, just the 2 of us. It was so nice to spend time just with you and I must make more of an effort to. We go to ballet on a Saturday, but that’s just you and it was nice to spend some mummy-Alice time!

You want to play hide and seek all the time. This morning you informed me your name wasn’t Alice, and refused to respond to anything other than “Hidey Worm”.

It's getting closer to Halloween, which I think may be your favourite time of the year? You are a little obsessed with "spooky things" like witches and bats etc. Most mornings after breakfast you're allowed 10 minutes on the iPad while we clear up, and you always request spooky videos. At Wheelgate they had halloween things everywhere, and you insisted on having your picture taken with every single monster. Even though they were mostly the same!

We went to Rufford a few weeks ago, and it was a wartime / vintage weekend. Punch and Judy were there, which you completely loved. Apart from the fact you call it Punch and Julie. And it had Hitler in who you keep asking me about which is a little awkward!

You like to cuddle up in bed and hide every night before bathtime, and every time I try to cuddle you extra tight because you seem to be getting so big - physically and mentally. You can read letters, count to 100 with help, and you are just not even a toddler anymore. I'd like to keep you at this age forever please!

Dear Violet,

You are now 13 months old, and the squidgiest cutest little bundle in the entire world.

You aren’t walking yet, and I was so sure you would be soon! Mama is buying you your first shoes for your birthday and at this rate it will be Christmas! I just looked back through the blog and apparently Alice didn’t walk till 14 /15 months so you’re taking after your sister. You cruise round the house, and want to walk holding people’s hands constantly. You’ve taken a few odd steps, but don’t seem super bothered.

Talking-wise you're still saying "t" for ta, "b" for ball, but my fave is "row row" and then you rock backwards and forwards, then scream for the crocodile! It is literally the most adorable thing in the entire world.

I’m really struggling being at work and leaving you so much, well both of you. I feel like I don’t get the time to spend with my little baby who won’t be a baby for much longer, and that’s difficult.

You’ve been full of cold for the past few days, and really unhappy and off your food. You spent all Saturday curled up on the sofa with me in and out of sleep. I think part of it is the cold, and the other part is that you’re cutting 6 teeth at the same time. It’s hard because I’m so used to seeing you eat more than Alice, and to see you refusing food and crying is just so out of character for you.

Both of you are absolutely lovely! Just wishing at the moment I could spend more time with the both of you. I feel like I'm never going to regret being skint, but every day I regret being away from my little ones.

With love and light xo

Happy (Almost!) Birthday Baby Violet

2014-09-07T19:43:00.001+01:00

Just a quick one tonight as I might not get chance tomorrow. But, Happy Birthday to my sweet Baby Violet!

This time last year, I was trying to decide if my waters had broken, and having a wander round the block to try and make something happen. I walked up to my mum and dads, and Alice had gone off to Mitch's mum and dads for a sleepover incase something did happen. We walked through the forest, and it was a day exactly like today. Warm, golden, and completely calm.

(Above picture taken 3 hours before baby was born!)

This time last year, I was so worried. Worried about logistical things - I was super overdue and trying to argue against induction. Worried about my home birth I so desperately wanted. Absolutely worried about my little (or not so little!) baby, and worried about my big Alice and how she would cope with the changes.

I wish I could say I'm not worried right now, but I think that is a constant as a parent!!

But, I no longer have to worry about how I could possibly love anyone as much as my Alice. Through the past year my heart has filled and expanded so much it sometimes feels like my chest could burst. My love for both my girls has grown - seeing them both interact and learn together makes me incredibly proud, and I feel so blessed to have such angels.

Left picture is about 15 mins old

Of course this past year has been difficult, seemingly impossible at times. In the beginning, I had no idea how on earth we would ever get to 1 year without one of us dying of exhaustion! I couldn't have coped without my amazing family and friends, offering help, support, biscuits and advice. Mainly biscuits. Everything's better with biscuits.

My beautiful baby Violet (do I have to stop adding the baby part yet?) is the light of my life. She is calm, sweet, beautiful, and just a perfect baby. She is the happiest soul I have ever met! She lights up when anyone talks to her, particularly Alice, and I just can't imagine a time without her in my life.

I know this next year will bring it's own challenges - seriously, what do I do if they both go run in opposite directions? But, every year with my girls is a complete gift.

Happy Birthday pudding. I love you bery bery much.

With love and light xo

Dear Alice and Violet - 40 months and 11 months!

2014-08-28T19:30:00.000+01:00

Dear Violet,

So you are now 11 months old and I just can't believe you've been with us for almost a year! But on the other hand, I can't imagine for one second how we got by without your lovely smiling face!

You had a review with the health visitor a few weeks ago, and you weigh 21 lb 8oz and are 77cm long.

She was really impressed with how good you are, and particularly impressed with your recorder skills!! At the moment you love anything musical - the recorder, or the harmonica, or keyboard. You love to copy what anyone else is doing, and pass the harmonica back and forwards making noises. You like to sing and dance, although you're dancing looks a bit like twerking!

You are walking holding my hands, and using the furniture to scootle round. This past month you stood up on your own (you sit down any time I take a camera out!) and keep doing it when you're not realising. You're also doing the weird half walk / half crawl that makes you look a bit like a spider! I think you'll be walking at some time in the next month.

You will say "t" for ta, and make "b" noises for ball, and Mitch swears you say dada! You are pretty much constantly babbling and talking about something, I just have no idea what you are saying.

You are so happy the majority of the time, and just like to be surrounded by people. You like smiling and cuddling and just generally playing the part of the lovely happy baby! Everyone always comments on how placid and laid back you are - you are just content being loved. You brighten up my morning with your lovely smile and giggles, and you never fail to cheer me up.

You had been sleeping through for the past month or so, but you're back to up once a night again, perhaps with your teeth? You have 6 little teeth now and particularly enjoy nibbling on anyone who stays still long enough! (In hindsight after reading this back - you were getting a cold and back to sleeping through - hurrah!)

You are a bit of a destroyer at the moment, much to Alice's annoyance! You like knocking down towers, squidging playdough, making a mess, throwing things on the floor, and generally getting in Alice's way. She gets quite frustrated, but we're trying to explain you just want to play. Sometimes I'm fairly sure you're getting your own back!!

Food wise, you just love meat. If I never tried to give you anything else you would be overjoyed! You are just a little carnivore and will throw anything none meat related on the floor! You like chicken, beef, pork, ham, fish and anything that's not a vegetable - the complete opposite of your sister. Between the 2 of you, you'd demolish just about anything!

Alice calls you "cubby" and she is always asking where you are. If she gets up in the morning, and you're still in bed, she's forever asking for you and cuddles. If we meet anyone, she loves to introduce them to "my baby Violet" and tell them she's "the best baby sister ever". Although she also spends half her time pushing you away from the iPad.

We have booked you a little birthday party for next month that you won't even understand, but I just want to get everyone together to celebrate how brilliant you are, and how lucky we've been to have you for a whole year!!

Dear Alice,

You are 40 months old this month, and in a few weeks you start at a school nursery! You are so excited, and pretty much every day ask if it's September yet. I'm hoping this excitement lasts for when you actually go! You've had a couple of visits and you loved it, plus it helps that Amelia and Phoebe are going to be there at the same time. You have a little nursery uniform, and you look soooo big and grown up in it!

You like singing own songs, making up words, and just singing your way through the day. One of your favourite things to do at the moment is replace words in nursery rhymes with the word poo, such as "Twinkle Twinkle Little Poo" or "The Grand Ol' Duke of Poo". You think it is literally the funniest thing anyone has ever done ever!

You also like telling jokes, and I've tried to teach you a few but you like to make your own up more. Such as "Why did the tomatoes cross the road? Bears." Then you laugh manically!

We started working on recognised letters and numbers a few weeks ago, as you seemed quite interested. Well you've picked them all up! You recognise all the numbers 1-10 and most of the letters with a few common mix ups (b and d etc). I am absolutely amazed by how quickly you've picked it all up. For some reason, you still miss the number 15 out when you're camping though - every single time!

You had a little haircut last month as your ends were getting a bit tangley, so we cut your hair to just below chin length, and it's made you look so much bigger! I miss your long hair a little and your first little curls, but it looks much healthier now.

You are such a lovely little soul. You are funny and witty and clever, and you like to be in charge. You throw massive tantrums and huge diva strops, but when it's all over and you come for a cuddle I just want to bottle you up. You can be quite a sensitive little one and sometimes it's easy to forget when we're all joking and playing that you're only 3, and sometimes take things a bit literally! I am so nervous about you starting nursery - you come across so loud and proud and over the top, but I know you get your feelings hurt quite easily and I'm nervous about how you'll be with the other little ones. You're so clever, but sometimes can be a bit overwhelming and in your face when playing with others, probably because you've never spent huge amounts of time with others and mostly just with me. It keeps me awake at night thinking about you making friends and being happy - but I know it's right for you.

A few weeks ago you had a wasp disaster! You'd been on a bug walk with the childminder, and the leader of the walk disturbed a wasps nest! You got off lightly compared to some of the others, but were still stung 10ish times. Daddy had to come fetch you as it was my first day back, and I felt awful all afternoon, but Kinder Eggs and cuddles fixed it.

You also had your preschool injections, which I was terrified about! I knew this time you would know it was me who had taken you, and I thought you'd hate me! But you were brave and we went to McDonalds after, where you weed on the floor - c'est la vie!

You are so happy with the childminder. I feel like we completely lucked out with someone who is so lovely, and it just means I don't have to worry about you or baby Violet at all when I'm at work. You go places, explore, play games and learn so much with her!

Your sleep is finally on the up these past few weeks, after a few months of 5am get ups! We have finally got it to 6 (hopefully!) and that's fine with me. You like to get "snuggly wuggly" under a blanket with me which is my favourite place to be.

You are both my absolute favourite people in the world.

With love and light xo

Difficult

2014-08-06T11:11:00.000+01:00

I've only updated 3 times this year. That is crazy! I used to write in here all the time, but I guess it all comes down to time and sleep. Both of which I'm always massively short on!

At the moment I just feel a little bit overwhelmed. I keep going back to Bilbo's quote - "I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread." Like whatever I'm spending time on, everything else is being neglected.

There's tons of decorating and sorting I'd like to do round the house, but it's just literally impossible to consider with the kids at home. We could do it in the evenings, but by the time the kids are in bed and we're sitting down it's hard enough to muster the energy to get a drink and change the channel, let alone start a project.

Then there's cleaning and tidying etc. I try so hard to keep on top of everything and always feel like I'm coming up short. Like if only there were more hours in the day my house would be nicer.

Mainly it's the kidlets. At the moment I feel like no matter how much I give them it's not enough. That's not their fault, but Alice is so intense and full on right now, and she just needs you to be on the ball and playing from wake up till bed time, and sometimes life isn't like that. She's so incredibly clever, such a pleasure to be around some of time, but also incredibly difficult and challenging some of the time as she tries to figure herself out. We try and keep consistency, patience and fairness, but sometimes on little sleep it's hard to be the best mum. Then you just feel guilty for snapping, pledge to try harder, rinse and repeat!

I don't want to come across as moaning - I am so incredibly lucky and so happy to have my 2, but life is not easy right now and sometimes it helps to write things down.

Alice is just so incredibly driven, and fiercely independent and opinionated. All things I don't want to discourage, but all things so difficult to control. She has an angry tantrum streak at the moment that I'm trying my best with, but I think it just comes with the "intense" territory! I feel like however I approach it, it's not going to be right - I'll either be too firm or too soft. I care so much what other people think about my parenting, and I guess that's something I need to work on right now. I'm trying my best, I just worry it's not good enough sometimes.

She's just so clever - you can't sneak anything at all past her. She always knows what's going on, and it's difficult to keep her occupied for long. I'm hoping with time this will get easier, and I'm hoping when school / nursery starts that it'll make a difference. I think that's a big thing - she is so ready for nursery and has been for a while. If she'd been born a week earlier she'd have been attending since April, but at the moment she's starting September 10th. She is just so ready for an extra challenge and more intellectual stimulation I can't provide!

I think what's made everything a little overwhelming lately is my happy baby Violet currently isn't happy! I'm hoping it's teeth, but she is not my happy little grub. She's up frequently in the night, often for a while, she won't settle at bed time for hours (not fun when you are so ready to chill out!), and wants to be held all the time.

I think a lot of the anger I've seen in Alice this past few weeks is jealousy. Up until now, baby Violet was happy just lying in the same room as us while I played with Alice. But now Violet is up and crawling and standing and trying to walk, she wants to play with all the toys and play all the games, and Alice doesn't do sharing. So I guess this could be a good thing - everyone has to learn to share sometimes. And obviously I'm now split in 2, trying to make sure neither child injures themselves or each other!

So - Again, not moaning, I know this is what I signed myself up for and I love them more than anything. But tips? Advice? Suggestions? Please tell me I'm not the only one struggling to stay up past 8 and forever feeling like I've been dragged through a hedge??!

With love and light xo

Dear Alice and Violet - 38 months and 8 months!

2014-06-02T20:32:00.003+01:00

I've been putting off and putting off writing as I seem to never get a minute to sit, but then I remembered how much I loved reading through these so trying to make more of an effort! So we've missed a few months but I'll pick up where we left off!

Dear Baby Violet (when will you become Just Violet I wonder?),

You are now 8 months old! I have no idea how much you weigh but you are huge, with rolls upon rolls and the smushiest little face in the world.

You are still the most content little bean in the entire world. You are happy just to be surrounded by people and things, and happy to play, happy to walk, happy to sleep, just happy to be anywhere! The only time you get grumpy is if I nip out the room and leave you alone – you're fine if Alice is there but obviously you've never had to be alone before!

You started crawling maybe 2 weeks ago, and now nothing is stopping you – you are so quick! Double quick if there's something left on the floor that perhaps you shouldn't have. Which is quite tricky as Alice has a habit of leaving out all her tiny toys that are just Baby Violet mouth sized.

Alice still loves you more than anything, but this crawling thing has confused her a little bit. She wants to play with you, but she doesn't want you touching any of her stuff. And of course everything is hers. So she now takes the iPad under the little table so you can't get it. Sorry!

Food-wise you are again a little gem. We were trying to do BLW like we did with Alice, but you much prefer mush and only get angry if it's not being shovelled into your mouth fast enough. You like feeding yourself cheerios for breakfast, individually, which takes a painstakingly long time. You love greek yoghurt with fruit mixed in, you love anything with sweet potato in, and you just like digging in to whatever we're having.

Sleep wise things are on the up too! I made a difficult decision about a month ago to switch to formula as we were having a really tough time. I was up every hour through the night and then up at 5 with Alice, and just struggling to even walk the next day. It was just too tricky, so we switched so I could have a bit of help. Now you just wake up once in the night normally around midnight, then sleep to around 5ish.

You have two naps a day, and you are so good at putting yourself to sleep. You are like clockwork – up for 3 hours then you want a nap! You have a great little routine.

Alice likes to call you her “little grub”. I have no idea where she's got this from, but she asks for kissies from little grub all the time! Tonight you were giving out kisses and cuddles and giggles and Alice was lapping it up! She is your all time favourite person and you love laughing at her!

We've all got another cold, and you have particularly become another snot monster at the moment. You have had so many colds! I'm hoping you're getting them all out the way before I go back to work. Which is next week :(. Sorry to be leaving you little squish, but you are going to be so happy with all the exciting people you are going to play with!

You are so tiny, and it will be so hard leaving you, but I know you will be fine because you will be a happy grub, and you'll be with your big sister.

Dear Alice,

You are now 38 months old. You seem to have shot up lately, and you're so tall but all your clothes are now too short but baggy! You are now definitely not a toddler, but a beautiful little girl with this mass of crazy curly hair which always looks a complete mess, but you wouldn't be an Alice without it.

Every day you are becoming more and more independent. You like to do your own shoes (which considering there's a 50% chance of getting them on the right feet, you get wrong 99% of the time) help get yourself dressed, brush your own teeth etc. This also means that everything takes 10 times aslong but you've got to learn I suppose!

You have dropped your afternoon nap – sad times! I know I've been so lucky that you've had it for so long, but you are now too big. You often fall asleep in the afternoon if we nip somewhere in the car, but I think naps are no more.

You like to have your nails painted, and when Violet goes for her morning nap you often ask for “pretty princess” nails. This would make my old self laugh, as I was trying to be so gender neutral, but you love the girly things! We always have to have matching nails. Today you asked for black, which would have made me happy but I didn't think it was appropriate!

At easter Mama did you an easter egg hunt which was literally your favourite thing in the world. Every time you found one you did a little squeal giggle and jumped up and down! Then when you'd collected them all in your basket (which took a while because we kept taking them out again), you made everyone sit down and completely unprompted you shared them out. Awwwww!

Tonight you requested to go nappy-less to bed. Let's see how this goes...

You also had a 3rd birthday party! Lots of people came and you got a bit overwhelmed and basically just spent 2 hours on the swing in the garden. But after, you told me it had been the past party ever and you were very happy and that you loved me lots.

Favourite word you say at the moment - bery."It is bery bery good being here isn't it mummy!"

We've just got back from an amazing holiday in Center Parcs, where you had the best time ever! You were swimming with your arm bands, going down all the big slides with everyone, going on all the parks and the beach. You were so well behaved and just had the best time. Then since we've got back you have had a bit of a grump, I think you had post holiday blues - it happens to us all! But you seem to be back to my lovely Alice now.

Today you have been obsessed with talking about bones. The other day it was noses. A few days ago it was willies. Since you've become 3 you've become obsessed with trumps and poo! You are hilarious and I have the best and the weirdest conversations with you. I'm pretty convinced that you also think I am a complete idiot – e.g. “Don't be silly mummy, that's not a dinosaur. It's a stegosaurus.”

I am also leaving you to go back to work (part time) next week. I'm starting a new job where I'll be away from you for a day and a bit longer, but will have 11 weeks off with you a year (term time only). So hoping it's the right decision and you're both happy, as that's obviously all I want!

I'm going to try and not leave this so long next time but making no promises!

Love you both so much,

With love and light, mummy x

Holiday

2014-03-06T20:57:00.001+00:00

Was going to blog about it but this explains it better! Our lovely holiday -

With love and light xo

Dear Alice and Violet - 35 months and 6 months!

2014-03-06T20:53:00.000+00:00

Girls - I'm afraid it's been a couple of months! Life is a little more (massive understatement!) hectic now you're both around and want entertaining, so this is the first time I've sat down to write in ages. Coupled with the fact that Alice poured squash on my laptop - accidentally of course - means I'm a little behind.

Dear Violet,

You are 5 months old, and will be 6 months in 2 days! Half a year - where on earth has the time gone? It literally feels like you've been here seconds, but I also can't imagine a time without you.

Last time I wrote your sleep was okay-ish, but for the past few months it really hasn't been! We've been bouncing around between every 45 minutes, every hour, and sometimes every 2 hours. Lack of sleep has hit harder this time, as I can't really have any down time in the day looking after your sister, and I've definitely found it difficult. But, this time I also know that it will get better and you will sleep eventually. For now I'm just trying to at least appreciate some bed snuggles, although my appreciation is a lot lower at 3am ;)

Having said that, you do have a bit of a routine down now, going to bed at 7pm every night and getting up at 5 (urrggggg) every morning, with 2/3 naps a day. Your naps aren't super set as they have to fit round Alice and what we're doing, and I try and sneak a sleepy cuddle when I can!

We have just started food these past few days, and you are literally loving it. We're doing a mix of homemade mush and BLW like last time, and you have really started to get the hang of it - the only time you seem annoyed is when it isn't going into your mouth quick enough! This week you've been trying carrot, sweet potato, cauliflower, broccoli, apple, blueberry, rice cakes, porridge, banana, fromage frais, and toast. Here's hoping perhaps the food will encourage a little better sleep at night!

You are rolling over constantly and get completely frustrated when you get on your front and decide you can't roll back. You're very chilled out, as long as someone is paying you attention. When you're not being occupied by something or someone you grizzle and moan. You loooove the door bouncer, and would spend about 90% of your time in there if I let you. You also love listening to me and your singing (poor you!) and playing peekaboo.

You were Christened on the 9th February, which was a lovely day and we were so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love you and care for you. It was quite overwhelming to appreciate just how lucky and blessed we are.

You're becoming much more like a little person every day, and Alice completely dotes on you, and you her. She tries anything to make you laugh, and luckily you find her hilarious! I just hope you always enjoy each others company so much.

So, onto your big sister -

Dear Alice,

You are now 34/35 months old - or nearly 3 as I remember it!

Wow how big are you now? Both physically and in person - you are completely my big lovely girl.

You want to be involved in anything and everything that someone else is doing, and always want to be "helpful". You help me do everything, from set the table to wash the pots, and it takes me ten times as long to make lunch now. You're current most said words are "I will do it I will do it" because you get super frustrated if someone tries to help you. This generally means your shoes are on the wrong feet and your hat is on backwards but you're trying.

You love baking and cooking, and you play so nicely now (some of the time!). It's really sweet to see you playing with your animals and making them talk to each other and have different voices. Generally everyone ends up on the toilet because you think that's hilarious but that's fair enough!

You still love singing, but now you like changing the words and making your own words up to songs. You actually have a brilliant ear for a tune and for rhyming words. Current favourites are Ants Went Marching, Found a Peanut, Spaghetti song and Hokey Cokey. We have the radio on a lot in the day and you're forever getting me up and dancing, and you spin till you fall over.

You are now 99% toilet trained in the day, and as a I write this we've not had an accident in weeks - hurrah! You still wear a pull up at night but that's fine. We also have to sing the poo poo song. I'm sure you will be glad to know this when you're 21!

Food-wise you are ace. You help me prepare most things, and you loooove your fruit and veg. Current faves are sweet peppers, raspberries, cheese wrappers (as you call them), rice, and raw carrot. You also love haribo of course.

You still have a nap once a day for about 90 mins, and go to sleep really nicely at 7pm, although you are up at 6am, although you sometimes sit in your room for a little while playing dolls house.

You can walk for miles, and hate going in the car. This often leads to a massive screaming fit if we have to go somewhere we can't walk to, and you've most definitely mastered the art of the tantrum.

You completely dote on your sister - she is the last thing you talk about at night and the first thing in the morning. You kiss her and hold her and stroke her and are far too rough with her, but I just can't believe how incredibly sweet you can be for her sometimes. Alice you will always be my baby, but to see you look after your little sister just makes you seem so huge to me.

Both of you are amazing, as always, although it's been a tricky few months! Here's hoping for more sleep, more cuddles, and more of the same all round.

With love and light xo

Dear Alice and Violet - 32 months and 3 months!

2013-12-10T19:03:00.000+00:00

I've finally found time to write this, although it's taken me about a week over various naptimes!

Dear Violet,

Happy Quarter Birthday! Where on earth has the time gone?!

You were weighed a few weeks ago and are now exactly 13lbs so have put on weight well! You are also very long like your big sister was, and are out of most of your 3-6 month vests and baby grows - sad times!

You are now smiling, talking, and cooing away like a little angel! I love the smiles we get first thing in the morning. I enjoy the smiles at 3am considerably less ;)

You are doing okay with your sleep - you have definitely discerned the difference between night and day, and sometimes we have a good few hours in a row - a couple of times we've had 5/6 hours in a row which is ace! Last night you were less good, but you are only a baby. I think we're going to have to move out of your basket soon and into the cot though, just because of how long you are.

One of your favourite things at the moment is still the bath, and you love splashing and kicking away. You are also taking in all the Christmas lights and decorations, and love to look around. You hate being held like a baby and would much rather be inspecting the room or bouncing around.

You've had 2 sets of jabs, both of which upset you a little bit but I know they're needed. Alice held your hand for the last set of jabs and then kissed you better when you started crying which about melted me.

You are developing your little body, kicking away, lifting your neck and wiggling around at any opportunity! If I leave you on the changing mat and turn around you 2 feet away a few minutes later. You've also got tons quicker with your feeding and much more spaced out - we're on maybe once every 3 hours now and for about 15 minutes as opposed to only stopping once every 3 hours!

I am trying to snap lots of pictures but feel a bit of a failure - when you look back when you're older I apologise in advance that there aren't as many pictures of you!!

So onto your sister -

Dear Alice,

You seem to have shot up a lot lately, and we've had to move you up in lots of clothes. I've just weighed you, and you are now 2stone 6lbs, but you seem to have slimmed down a lot and lost all of your toddler-ness - you now look like a little girl, and a beautiful one at that!

The past few weeks have all been about Christmas! This is the first year where you really get the concept of Christmas and santa, so we have been doing lots of christmas decorations / cards and games. Yesterday we made salt dough decorations, and today we've done painting and glittering paper plates, and tomorrow is paper chains with some card we've decorated.

You wrote a letter to Santa and got a card back which you were very excited about. We're also going to see him on Monday, which I think I'm probably more excited about than you. I cannot wait to see you on Christmas this year, although I imagine you'll open everything within about 10 seconds.

You've been helping me do some baking with some success, and some massive toddler melt downs because I wouldn't let you lick the flour of the floor.

The toddler melt downs have seemed a little less frequent this month after a tricky few weeks. I think your maybe just adjusting to sharing me, and you hate staying in during the winter - you'd much rather be going mental running round a park.

However, you have now discovered the wonder of films, and are a bit obsessed with Netflix. Your current favourite is The Wild which I've now seen about ten million times, and you also love Aliceland as you call it!

You're still having a nap and sleeping from about 7pm - 6am. Please don't drop your nap. Please!

You completely dote on your little sister, and are forever stroking her and kissing her and trying to hold her. It's so lovely but you can be a little heavy handed!

One of your favourite things at the moment is story time - you want me to tell you a story, ideally when hiding under a blanket or hiding in our bed. We do it every night while Violet is having her bath, and you help me tell the story while sneaking me kisses. It is quite possibly my favourite time of the day, even though you only every want one of 3 stories (Goldilocks, 3 Pigs, or Billygoats Gruff)

I can't wait for Christmas with the both of you, we love you so so much.

With love and light xo

Videos

2013-10-16T14:46:00.000+01:00

Some little videos of life lately...

With love and light xo

Dear Alice and Violet - 30 months and 1 month!

2013-10-15T14:13:00.000+01:00

Dear Alice, and now - Dear Violet too!

I've been writing letters every month, but I'm afraid Violet that they may be a little less frequent with you! I barely seem to have time to breathe, let alone write on here. But, today is a rainy day and Sarah and Duck on the telly is giving me a bit of time. Thankyou Sarah and Duck!

Okay so Alice first - this has been a big few months for you!

Dear Alice,

You are now 30 months old, or 2 1/2. You are growing out of a lot of your 2-3 clothes, and seem to have shot up a little these past few weeks.

The first big change has obviously been you adjusting to life as a big sister. I spent many sleepless pregnant nights worrying how you'd be - would you act out? Would you be incredibly jealous? Would you try to break her? It turns out I should never have worried. You have been absolutely amazing!

Violet is the first thing you ask for in the morning and the last person you want to speak to at night. You want to cuddle her and hold her all the time (sometimes a little too hard but that's okay!). You like telling me all about her tiny little fingers, and you love to tell me she's a "tiny baby piggy".

You like helping me change her nappy and telling everyone "I'm very useful!", and you tell me when she needs "more milkies mummy". You stroke her head while she's feeding and you rock her in her chair (again sometimes a little too hard!) and you are altogether amazing. Whether that will all change when she's mobile and can get in your toys we will see but you are the best big sister I could ever ask for.

The other big development over the past few weeks has been potty training! We are now in week 3 and getting better every day (although apparently not today if my damp sofa is anything to go by!). It's still a little up and down but you are doing really well at telling me when you need to go etc. It has made us a bit like hermits for the past few weeks while we try and stay close to a toilet, but we're getting back into the swing of things now!

You are still sleeping really well thankfully, and you now wake up at 6am but play in your room with your toys / books till 7. You have generally completely destroyed it by the time I walk in but that's fine!

You have started telling much more elaborate stories, with characters that have conversations in different voices and have different opinions. I keep trying to film you doing it because it's hilarious! At the moment it's normally Shaun the Sheep talking to Tom (who is a dragon) and mummy pig. Normally mummy pig is telling you to do something you don't want to do - a bit like real life I suppose?

You also want to play games all the time now - hide and seek and eye spy particularly. Unfortunately, you only understand some of the rules, and for eye spy you can't spell, but that makes the game more interesting!

We have started a bit of a new family tradition of unplugged family time on a Sunday morning. If it's nice weather we go for a walk, and if it's not we take you swimming with daddy's gym pass. It's sort of my way of making sure you still get lots of attention, even if I'm a little distracted with Violet in the week!

I'm also going to try and take you to a ballet class on Saturday morning so we will see how that goes - hopefully you love it and don't have a complete melt down!

Okay, so on to your little sister.

Dear Violet,

I apologise in advance that I'm afraid your letters and going to be shorter and more sporadic than your sisters' - it's not that I love you any less it's just I'm a little stretched!

You are now 5 weeks old, which has absolutely zooooomed by.

You have grown so much already. I haven't had you weighed since you were about 3 weeks old, but you seem so huge already. You outgrew your newborn things in about a week, and I think you've only got a week or so left in your 0-3 clothes. You seem to grow huge amounts every night - I'm tempted to keep you in the dark so you stay my tiny baby forever!

You sleep like a baby. That's my standard response to anyone who asks! You wake up every hour or couple of hours for feeds and cuddles, but that's fine - you take all you need little one. That doesn't mean I'm not tired, but you're a lovely face to wake up to!

We've got the hang of feeding again, and you feed really well - as evidenced by your size!

You are getting more alert and spending more time awake every day. When you're awake your eyes are big, blue and bright - following our voices and looking straight at us. I keep telling daddy that you're smiling but he doesn't believe me. I can tell when you're happy as your eyes change and you just look different - it makes my heart beam.

You love both your bouncy chair and rocking swing, and will quite happily doze in them while I try and entertain your sister. However she does try and feed you chocolate so we have to watch her quite carefully! You also like being in the Moby wrap, and tend to snuggle and sleep in it which is lovely and gives me chance to explorer with Alice!

No matter how wound up you are, you always calm down for bath time with your big sister, and that's my favourite time of the day with daddy too. We all go in the bathroom and listen to music and dance, and it's lovely.

You are quite content aslong as you have been fed and cuddled, what more can I ask for?

I am so lucky to have both of you, no matter how tricky it might be figuring everything out. We love you both so much.

With love and light xo