Pokemon Trolls

Creepy Pokemon Story - Redux!

2010-09-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

#013-#015 :: Weedle/Kakuna/Beedrill

2010-09-09T08:31:00.001-07:00

One day in Viridian a Weedle grew,
He ate some leaves and a Caterpie too,
Then a trainer came passing through
And caught little Weedle with a Pokeball he threw.

Now Weedle had to fight at the trainer’s request,
But he was trained in what he did best,
Killing Caterpie was nothing like a test,
He did it all day without even a rest.

They travelled on to the gym in Pewter,
And beat Brock with Squirtle’s water,
Weedle fought hard and became Kakuna,
He said wow, why hadn’t he evolved sooner?

Kakuna learned Harden and became tough,
In Mount Moon, he played a bit rough,
But before that he poisoned Jigglypuff
And trainer caught a Geodude called Sho’Nuff!

Kakuna came to Cerulean,
Beating Sandshrew and consuming them,
The gym battle was won without question,
Kakuna poisoning Staryu for attention!

Kakuna became the drill with which to pierce the heavens,
Beedrill was his name, and he attacked in sevens
Beedrill grew in power and dimensions,
With trainer by his side, money wasn’t too tight to mention.

Beedrill went south and found Butterfree,
A mother in part to the murdered Caterpie,
Bug Trainer smiled in his own private glee,
As Beedrill fell to a critcal Psybeam!

Beedrill, the predator,
Now, without successor,
The trainer lost in three turns or under,
His Nuzlocke challenge was now forever over.

#010-#012 :: Caterpie/Metapod/Butterfree

2010-09-02T16:10:00.000-07:00

If you caught a Metapod and was disappointed to find out it only had Harden, your comments would be greatly appreciated since you totally got trolled by it.

One of the first Pokemon you can catch (in Red/Blue/FireRed/LeafGreen) is Caterpie. Naturally if you had picked a Charmander you were more than likely burning this thing and it's fellow bugs to eternal Pokehell.

If so, I salute you because catching this thing was a massive waste of time.

Let's examine the large movepool consisting of three (yes three!!) moves. Tackle, String Shot and Bug Bite.

Tackle has a 95% hit rate, so feel free to get trolled when it misses that Rattata who will undoubtedly counter with a critical hit, forcing you to find a PokeCenter to heal the bug again! Failing that, you can make your opponent temporarily slower (!) with String Shot, feel the excitement.

Caterpie didn't even learn Bug Bite until the more recent games and even then you're forced to hold off it's evolution into Butterfree (who is actually useful) just to learn a move that eats berries and attacks ghosts? Hell naw!

Regardless, you barely have this thing in a ball before it does evolve (way to sabotage any emotional connection) into something that learns Harden, insert male genitalia joke here.

Then you barely have Stiffy before it evolves into a Butterfree.

That might be the point where Stiffy's name loses the appeal.

So you've added a few pages to your Pokedex and have now realised that your Charmander (if you chose it) won't do any damage to the local gym leader. So out comes Stiffy the Butterfree...

"My bug will do the best it can."
Brock smiles with his closed eyes, knowing that Rock moves have a 4x advantage over this weak bug.
Butterfree then uses Confusion, Onix becomes confused and hilarity ensues as you are tempted to say "Hey Onix, stop hitting yourself lol"

So Butterfree acts like a true all-star Pokemon and you rethink your position on it, maybe it is a good Pokemon to have and maybe this Magikarp that I just bought from a shady salesman is as awesome as he says.

A shame then that Butterfree goes nowhere but downhill from here on in until you face that bug catcher near Vermilion City. I lost to that guy once.

Time to get some revenge on him.

Creepy Pokemon Story!

2010-09-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

In place of the next set of Poketrolls (Caterpie/Metapod/Butterfree will be up tomorrow I assure you, perhaps even Weedle/Kakuna/Beedrill too) I thought I should share a creepy Pokemon story with you all.

Some of you will have undoubtedly heard of this as apparently someone is actually making a game (!) of this story.

I have a story I would like to tell you. It is a long story, but for you f*****s who would go I looooooooooooooove them balls – this story is not for you, so f**k off.

You see, I am a simple college student living alone in an apartment. I was very enthusiastic about the release of HeartGold/SoulSilver on the states. I have purposely locked myself out of all media and the internet aside for school purposes. That means no Smogon, no Bulbapedia, etc.

As I was busy with the school year and being a poor f**k at the time, I wasn’t able to buy SoulSilver on launch date. After my school year ended, I ordered SoulSilver on Amazon. However, it would take a week for it to arrive. I decided that during that time, I replay my Crystal version on my Gameboy Color.

However, I realized that long ago, my mom threw it away because I told her the save went dead, and I was very upset about it then. She also threw away my Silver version, so all I have is my Gameboy Color. As such, I set out to Gamestop and bought a used Silver version, as it’s the only Pokemon game left that they have for the GBC. Ten dollars – fairly cheap despite it being Gamestop.

I went home and started it up for a nostalgia trip. However, that’s where things started getting bizarre, and most likely the reason why you read this.

The Gamefreak logo started up as normal, but it just froze there. I thought the cart was just errored or something, so I turned it off and on. The same thing happened. I tried pressing A and Start over and over, and all of the buttons. Eventually, the logo vanished and there was a black screen for about five seconds. Suddenly, rather than going to the usual menu screen, I was already in the game in a previous saved file, which was odd as I was expecting all of these carts to have been wiped by the poor battery. Either way, I wasn’t complaining, as I would have chosen the “Continue” option to see what the previous guy did anyways.

First off, I checked his trainer information. His name was just “…” – He didn’t have much originality.

I checked his profile and apparently he had 999:99 hours put into the game, with all 16 badges, 999999 Pokedollars and all 251 Pokemon on the Pokedex.

Seeing as he apparently had Mew and Celebi logged also, I am guessing he either used a Game Genie or is a really hardcore Pokemon player back then.

I checked his Pokemon to see what badass team he has. To my surprise, I saw 5 Unowns and a sixth Pokemon named “HURRY”. I’m thinking that this must be some cruel joke by the person who last played this game, but I decided to check the profiles of those Pokemon anyways. As expected, they were different letters of Unown, all Level 5. I was a bit shaky with my Unown alphabet at the time, but I identified the word spelled out to be “LEAVE”.

As for the sixth Pokemon, it turned out to be a Cyndaquil (mind you, this is before there were individualized Pokemon icons). The Cyndaquil looked normal, but it was Level 5 with only 1 HP left with only two attacks: “Leer” and “Flash”. I don’t know why they named him “HURRY”, but at the time, I just disregarded it. The most eerie thing was that, despite my volume being at max, none of the Pokemon he had said their usual cries. Just pure silence.

Having enough of the team, I closed it. I was parked at what appears to be a room inside Bellsprout Tower. However, for some reason, there were no NPCs around. Even more eerie was that the “pillar” in the middle didn’t move at all, as if just leaning on its side. There was no music at all, and there was no exit or ladder, or least I thought there wasn’t.

I walked around for a few minutes but can’t seem to find a way out. This was certainly not a room I’ve seen in the Bellsprout Tower before. I’ve tried checking my items for an Escape Rope, but the bag was completely empty. There wasn’t any Wild Pokemon either.

Finally, I’ve managed to find a ladder, which turned out to be behind the “pillar”. The screen turned black and the music finally started playing. I had a sudden chill, as I recognize that melody I heard to be the theme you hear when you listened to the radio at the Alph Ruins where the Unown are at.

I immediately realize that it wasn’t a loading transition, but rather I was in a dark room and would need Flash. Before I took care of that though, I immediately checked my Pokegear to change the radio to something more pleasant, but it turns out that there was no Radio card, or even a Phone nor Time cards. There was only a Map card in which Gold (“…” from earlier, and I will call him Gold from now on) was just walking in a midst of black.

I recall that Cyndaquil has Flash, so I turned off my Pokegear and made Cyndaquil use Flash. I didn’t see any message saying “HURRY has used Flash!” or anything like that. The room just became lit just like that, and I soon regretted it. The room was a chilling blood-red with a linear gray path heading south. The ladder I used to go up/down was not there at all.

I had no choice but to head south. The screen got darker every 20 steps I made, until I finally made it to the end, which appears to be a sign. I read the sign, which said “TURN BACK NOW”.

Suddenly, I was asked to answer YES/NO, but there was no question asked. I chose YES as I do not know what it was asking, and the screen went black again, making a “ladder climbed” sound. The Unown Radio music stopped, and in a few seconds was replaced with the not-as-creepy Poke Flute radio music.

I was in another dark room, but I held my breath and used Flash again. Suddenly, it said that “HURRY has fainted!” which was odd since I recall that there was no status conditions like Poison on him, and I clearly wasn’t in a battle. I checked my Pokemon quickly and suddenly he’s no longer in my party. In fact, after a bit of investigating, none of my Pokemon are there, but instead all replaced with Level 10 Unown. I did the same thing as before and spelled out the Unown. My then team of Unown spelled “HEDIED”.

Either way, after that creepy change, the room was lit to reveal myself in a very small room that appears to be only four squares big. The walls of that room were gray bricks, as if I was inside something that was hollowed out. Outside that room appears to be a bunch of graves similar to the ones in Pokemon Red/Blue. I’ve walked around that small room and pressed A but nothing happened.

I’ve already concluded that this was clearly a hacked game and some sadistic f**k sold it to Gamestop. However, my curiosity kept me going. I checked the trainer profile of “…” again only to find out that the sprite of Gold was missing his arms. He also seems to appear less smug, but rather seems more sad and empty in a way that I do not know how to describe. For some reason, it also now said that he has 24 badges, which was clearly impossible.

After a few minutes of aimless wondering, my character suddenly spun and did the Escape Rope spinning animation. Instead of flying up though, my character spun downwards slowly, as if sinking.

After that screen, the music stopped. After finally landing, the overworld sprite of Gold is coloured differently now. Instead of the usual red colour he dons, he appears completely white now, including his skin. It’s as if he came straight from the colorless Game Boy games placed into a colored background of the Gameboy Color. I checked his profile, and now, while now is as white as his overworld sprite, he lost his legs and has what appears to be bloody tears from his eyes. It also says he now has 32 badges, which now starts to disturb me as this change of number seems to represent something important.

I also checked my Pokemon, which this time contains 5 Unowns and a Level 100 Celebi without a nickname. The Unown are this time Leveled 15 and spelled out “DYING”. I checked the Celebi’s profile. It was a shiny Celebi, except there’s only half of the sprite. One leg, one arm, one eye. It only has one attack: “Perish Song”.

The area I was in itself was the Sprout Tower with the immobile pillar as before, except everything is apparently red now. I walked north for what felt like forever. Eventually, I finally encountered some generic men and women NPC. They were all lined up to the side just facing the long slantish pillar in the middle. They were also white, and nothing happens when I try to speak to them. I kept on going north until eventually the pillar finally appears chopped off, with a transparent Red in that spot. I went up to Red and without even pressing A, I was suddenly engaged and finally in a battle.

The music starts again, which it sounds like the Unown Radio music again, but played backwards. Gold’s battle backsprite matches his front one with the bloody eyes, white skin, and lack of arms, while Red’s sprite was the same as before in GSC except transparent. The text simply said “wants to battle!” as if he has no name, and both of us only have one Pokemon each, which is weird as I swear I had six with the Unowns. My shiny Celebi came out, conveniently with half-a-sprite for the back sprite also. The “Shiny” noise and animation was different, as the sounds it made sound like multiple “Screech” attacks used consecutively. Red sent out a seemingly normal male Pikachu, except he is Level 255 and his sprite seems sad and has tears in his eyes.

Rather than the usual “FIGHT/ITEM/PKMN/RUN” menu, I was only given the option to use the Attacks. Since Celebi only has one, I chose it. Naturally, since Pikachu was Level 255, he went first.

“PIKACHU used CURSE!”, lowering his Speed and increasing his other Stats. I’m not even sure if Pikachu could even use Curse.

“CELEBI used PERISH SONG!” In three turns, both Pokemon get KO’d – not like I have a choice.

At this point, it didn’t even go back to the Fight menu, as the battle just continued without me. Also note that there was no animations at all for some reason.

“PIKACHU used FLAIL!”, which didn’t do much damage despite his Level and boost as his health was maxed.

“CELEBI used Perish Song!” Nothing happens as it was already used.

“PIKACHU used FRUSTRATION!”, which did a shitton of damage, knocking Celebi down to less than 10 HP.

“CELEBI used Pain Split!”, which surprised me as Celebi didn’t even have that attack in the first place. Now Celebi and Pikachu have about 150 HP.

“PIKACHU used MEAN LOOK!” Not like that did anything.

As expected, due to the effects of Perish Song, my Celebi fainted. Except in the text, it said “CELEBI has died!” and instead of the ordinary drop off the screen animation, the CELEBI backsprite just vanished. For some reason, the Pikachu was still up even with Perish Song and it didn’t count as my lost. Pikachu used one more different attack beyond the 5 attack limit:

“PIKACHU used DESTINY BOND!”

Afterwards, it said “PIKACHU has died!”, with a slow fade-out animation. Apparently, I was the winner, as the transparent Red Sprite showed up and said “……….”

At that point, I just freaked out, as that transparent Red sprite was suddenly beheaded, leaving nothing but his transparent body. The battle then ended at that point and faded out along with the music.

I’m back in the overworld, with another change to the Gold sprite – he’s now as transparent as Red’s overworld sprite. I quickly checked Gold’s profile, where this time the only thing remains of him is his head, with a transparent skin. The head was zoomed in a bit, showing a black void in his eyes. It now stated that he now has 40 badges. I then backed out and checked my Pokemon. They were all Level 20 Shiny Unown, which when spelled out, read “NOMORE”.

I was at what I now know is next to the end. There was apparently no music playing, but for some reason I still felt like something was there that could be heard. I was back in my room in New Bark Town. Maybe finally I get to play this game properly, but who am I kidding. I knew that sadistic fuck must have done something. I “walked” around my room to interact with things, as I’m a bit afraid to go down the stairs to see what was awaiting down there. Note I said “walked”, as while the background was moving, Gold was not moving his transparent limbs at all while doing so, just floating like those ghosts you see in Diamond/Pearl.

As expected, the radio, computer, and TV did not work, so I had no choice but to go down the stairs. I ended up in the same lower level room of my house. Everything appears normal, except mom isn’t home. After failing to interact with anything in this room, I decided to go outside. To my surprised, that door leading outside at the south didn’t work, and instead I just walk straight through it to a void. I continued moving south to see what the fuck was going on. My house vanishes as I head south into the void. It was creepy as when I entered the void, the outline on Gold’s transparent sprite turned white to contrast with the pitch black. Eventually, I reached a white area and Gold’s sprite turned black and transparent again. I continued south without thinking of stopping at all.

After a long trek south, I finally encountered something. It was GOLD’s regular sprite. I talked to it. He said “Good bye forever ….” (notably with a space inbetween the forever and ….), and vanished. As that happened, it said “??? used NIGHTMARE” which at that point, I would not deny that being possible. Gold did another Escape Rope animation spinning slowly downwards like before.

I’m now back into that small hollowed-out room surrounded by graves earlier. Or at least I say I was back there, as there’s no sprite anymore. I tried to walk around but nothing moved – not even wall bumping noise. I checked my trainer profile with absolutely no Gold sprite left. It said I have 0 badges and all the pictures of the Johto Gym Leaders at the bottom were replaced with skulls.

I checked my Pokemon, which were all Level 25 Unown. As expected, it spelled out a phrase that I dared to read. “IMDEAD”

As soon as I went back to the overworld, the room I supposedly was in was then covered with the same blocks as the walls. I then figured out what exactly that room was when the final text was said: “R.I.P. …”

That room was a big grave, surrounded by other grave. Gold has already been dead. He died presumably a few years after he defeated Red.

He was a young trainer who, despite his efforts in collecting so many badges and attempts at becoming a Pokemon master, was still unable to avoid the inevitable fate of death, and his efforts were eventually forgotten by the next generation.

I was unable to escape from that text no matter what I pressed. I tried resetting the game, and the same thing happened, at which I then finally decided to give up on that horrible nightmare.

After that experience, I will never look at the “gimmick” Unown the same way again. They say that only the first generation have folk tales and legends, but the second generation have shown me how unpleasant the truth can be. I eventually enjoyed SoulSilver immensely, but I still can’t unthink what that rigged game have told me.

#007-#009 :: Squirtle/Wartortle/Blastoise

2010-08-31T16:31:00.000-07:00

Above: The Squirtle Squad attempt to drown Pikachu, hilarity ensues.

In a bit of a follow-on from yesterday, I would've chosen Red had I actually been given the choice.

Instead I was given Pokemon Blue, with the gun-toting tortoise on the cover. Now that made my choice easy with the starter Pokemon since I just had to pick Squirtle. All went well at first as my new buddy made quick work of the opposing Bulbasaur. Now to play the game for real.

A couple of minutes later and you get the obligatory same-type move. In this case Squirtle learned Bubble.

Bubble is perhaps the single weakest attack in the entire game, not just in power but in what it portrays. I'm expected to believe that a bubble is going to harm, much less faint an opponent?

Go ahead, blow a bubble now if you can and see if it topples a building.

Then recall how Bubble in the game toppled a giant rock-snake in one/two attacks.

And you do have to admit those shades were really cool.

#004-#006 :: Charmander/meleon/izard

2010-08-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

Given the choice, would you pick Blue or Red?

Some people made their choice based on the cover stars of the game, Red contained the big dragon Pokemon Charizard, an obvious display of power. For those who picked Red based on this fact, it would have been an easy choice to pick the first in the line of powerful fire lizards.

For a while, it would have seemed like a perfect choice, Charmander learned to roast things pretty early and by the time you made it to Viridian Forest you would be spending an extended visit burning some bugs to the ground. It felt good man.

So you leave the forest and turn up to your first gym battle brimming with confidence, that's when it all starts.

"Fire types are weak to my rock-hard defence."
"But Charmander is strong as anything, he's a dragon-in-training!"
"Oh hai, this is my Onix."
"Dayyyum."

So perhaps you beat Brock and feel validated that your Charmander is still the right choice. So you go to Mount Moon to beat on some more locals and are then faced with more rock-types looking to ruin your day. Okay, it's a tough moment but you're still going to get that awesome dragon in the end right?

Then comes Misty and her water Pokemon...

Then it hit you, maybe you should've picked the grass/water Pokemon instead?

Alternatively, look at how Charizard treat Ash in the anime, troll or trollest?

Something I've been listening to recently -- Magnetic Man - I Need Air

2010-08-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

#001 to #003 :: Bulba/Ivy/Venusaur

2010-08-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

Remember the first move this thing learnt beyond Tackle and Growl? It was Leech Seed.

Instead of getting to burn/drown the local rats and pigeons you get to 'suck' health from them very slowly. Forget that it ended up becoming a useful status move later on and remember what is was like to have your first grass move be something that literally sucks.

Maybe that doesn't apply to you, this one will.

The is part seed/flower and part dinosaur. Dinosaurs are violent, flowers are pretty. So you get the manly beast below and the feminine attributes up top. Is it just me or does that sound like a trap to you?

Your face when you realise that Bulbasaur's final evolution is the original Pokemon trap, it is also the first troll.

The Concept

2010-08-29T16:29:00.000-07:00

I will attempt to prove that every single Pokemon is a troll or has trollish tendencies.

Shouldn't be too hard, right?