Randy's Travel Diary

The Bitter Single's Guide to Valentine's Day (aka Single's Humiliation Day.)

2012-02-11T21:08:00.001-08:00

The medical staff at Randy's Travels has assembled the following guide to get you through the night.

1) Nourishment: Pint of Ben and Jerry's or a pint of Jack Daniels.

2) Fiscal Aversion Therapy:

- Cost of an engagement ring: $4,600

- Cost of a wedding: $27,000

- Cost of raising a child to 18 (not including college) $227,000

- Cost of a divorce: $8,000 to $133,000 (fees for lawyers and accountants for a contested divorce that goes to trial.)

- Intangibles costs: Average weight gain for men and women after five years of marriage: 6 to 9 pounds.

*Note on Sources: Sketchy at best; I grabbed first semi-reasonable results from Google.

3) Cognitive Therapy:

a) Light Reading: "The John and Lorena Bobbit Story"

Heart-warming tale of boy meets girl, boy abuses girl, girl cuts of boy's penis and throws it out the window of a speeding car, boy becomes a porn star.

b) Movies:

- War of the Roses: Still want to get married?

- Fatal Attraction: Think your last girlfriend was a drama queen?

- Caligula: Think your last boyfriend was a jerk?

4) Self-Improvement

a) Personality Test: Are you marriage material?

b) One man's pathetic story that will no doubt make you feel better about your situation: "Why I'm Over Forty and Still Single"

tags: Valentine's day singles, valentines day singles, singles humiliation day, singles awareness day, single's awareness day.

The Nurse (more erotic humor, humorous erotica)

2011-10-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

Erotic Fiction about an encounter with a bar girl in a Phnom Penh.

(Content warning: political incorrectness, plus graphic depictions of naivete and weak morals.)

For more live performances:
- The Day I Almost Became Gay
- Why I’m Over 40 and Still Single

Labels: erotic humor, humorous erotica, erotic travel story, sex with bar girl, prostitution for dummies

The Online Date that Went a Little too Well

2011-09-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

(Recorded live at the Somerville Library in Massachusetts
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

For more live performances:
- The Day I Almost Became Gay
- Why I’m Over 40 and Still Single

(keywords: erotic humor, humorous erotica)

The Day I Almost Became Gay (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

2011-09-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

(Recorded live at the Somerville Public Library)
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

For another erotic humor, humorous erotica video, check out:

"Domination for Dummies"

Here's what the critics had to say about "Domination for Dummies":
"Offensive."
"Pathetic."
"Is this some kind of cry for help?"

Domination for Dummies

2011-09-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

(recorded live at the Somerville Public Library)

Content warnings: faux Quaaludes, flying panties, misplaced rug lint

More stories:
- The Day I Almost Became Gay
- The Online Date that Went a Little too Well
- Quiz: Are you marriage material?

keywords: erotic humor, humorous erotica

Live Performance: 9/15/11, Somerville MA

2011-08-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

(click image above to enlarge)
Visit The Roving Raconteurs on Facebook

Click for directions

What to Expect from Friends in Middle Age

2011-07-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

(Excerpt from The Handbook for the Chronically Single)

Under Forty-Five Years Old:

- Purpose of friends: Wingmen, counsel, placeholders for a girlfriend.

- Contact frequency: Daily.

- Mode of contact: Face-to-face or phone.

- Amount of time you can tolerate them: Unlimited.

- Would you loan them money? "If I had any."

- Would you help them move? "No brainer."

- Shared interests: pussy, bench presses, tits, squats, chicken wings, funny beer commercials, getting hard at the wrong time, midgets, PMS, Rogaine, Chuck Palahniuk, sleeping late.

Over Forty-Five Years Old:

- Purpose of friends: Counsel, wingmen, business connections.

- Contact frequency: Monthly.

- Mode of contact: Texting, E-mail, voice-mail, occasional face-to-face.

- Amount of time you can tolerate them: Three hours.

- Would you loan them money? "Depends on their credit score."

- Would you help this person move? "With my back, are you kidding me?"

- Shared interests: Menopause, rotator cuffs, kvetching, Achilles tendons, low-carb diets, whining, interest rates, getting soft at the wrong time, reading glasses, griping, ponderous biographies, sleeping pills.

For more entries in "The Handbook for the Chronically Single," see
- Self Test #1: Are You Marriage Material?

- Find Your Match: The 5 Romantic Personalities

Domination for Dummies (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

2011-06-24T11:17:00.001-07:00

For more humorous erotica or erotic humor, see:
"The Online Date That Went a Little Too Right"
"The Day I Almost Became Gay"
"The Nurse"

Close Encounter on a 747

2011-06-21T22:21:00.000-07:00

or How Not to Join the Mile-High Club

For more travel stories, see:
- Unemployed writer vs. most annoying hotel clerk in Greece
- How to Lose it in Bangkok
- Rats, Plague, and Burritos: Another Day in Nha Trang, Vietnam

The Nurse (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

2011-05-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

Original Erotic Humor: NC-17
(This is a reworked scene from novel I'm finishing. The novel is about a never-married hypochondriac who takes a trip around the world hoping to change his luck with love.)

For more erotic humor or humorous erotica, see:
"The Online Date That Went a Little Too Right"
"The Day I Almost Became Gay"

My next gig: 6/4 in Newton, MA

2011-05-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

Find Your Match: The 5 Romantic Personalities

2011-05-04T09:08:00.000-07:00

1) Martyrs
- Feel everything intensely, especially love, rejection, and Red Sox playoff losses.
- Claim to know what they want in a mate; say smug things like "I won't settle."
- Spend most Saturday nights alone.
- Cry at crapola love stories like The Bridges of Madison County.
- Capable of great happiness when involved and great bitterness when single.
- Examples: Jackson Browne, Vincent Van Gogh, Billie Joe McAllister.
- Favorite quote: "My heart is your piñata."

2) Settlers
- Martyrs who marry suddenly because of an external event like a scary health problem, a milestone birthday, or an aging parent who wants to see them hooked up.
- Husbands are often happy with this arrangement. -Wives often seek divorce after children leave for college. - Examples: Too many to list.
- Favorite quote: "I'll have the baked chicken, no skin, butter, salt, oil, or bread crumbs. And a glass of water with no ice."

3) Mercenaries
- Approach love as if it were just another transaction, to-do item, or mission.
- Emotionally detached with flat, even moods.
- Tend to be content instead of happy.
- Examples: Ted Bundy, Dirty Harry, Angelina Jolie.
- Favorite quote: "Kill them all and let God sort them out."

4) Bonders
- Born with good brain chemistry.
- Can connect with most anyone and be happy in most situations.
- Are good as friends, but boring as lovers.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
- Examples: Anyone married for more than three years.
- Favorite quote: "Let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy day."

5) Barnacles
- Don’t have the stomach for dating.
- Always in a relationship.
- A bad choice for spouseless vacations because without a partner they glom on to you.
- Examples: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Elizabeth Taylor, Mickey Rooney, and other people married at least eight times.
- Favorite quote: "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world."

For a more probing look into your psyche, see "Are You Marriage Material?"

Clitter-Clatter (Erotic Humor, Humorous Erotica)

2011-04-19T21:11:00.000-07:00

For audio version click play button below. To view a video version, click here.

For more erotic humor or humorous erotica, see:
"The Nurse"
"The Day I Almost Became Gay"

Self Test #1: Are You Marriage Material?

2011-04-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

I) Give yourself one point for each item that applies.

1) You can tolerate boredom:

- After sex
- After lithium
- Fuck you.

2) Nesting instincts:

- I have no furniture.
- I have college furniture.
- I once went to Crate and Barrel for a free wine and cheese reception.

3) Your girflfriend asks you to get a video for her preschool daughter's birthday party. You choose:

- Borat
- Death Wish
- Last Tango in Paris

4) You miss your ex most when:

- Eating alone
- Watching a movie alone
- Paying the mortgage alone

5) If a significant other says "no" to sex, you:

- Take her to her favorite restaurant because she's probably having a difficult week.
- Take her college-aged daughter to her favorite restaurant because she's probably having a difficult week.
- Visit Yvonne, the double-jointed masseuse.

6) Last relationship failed because:

- You forgot her birthday.
- You forgot her phone number.
- You forgot her name.

7) It's your anniversary and she is expecting something special, so you:

- Go drinking with the boys
- Go skiing with the boys
- Visit Yvonne, the double-jointed masseuse.

8) How well do you understand women?

- When a woman says "no," she means "feel my breasts."
- When a woman says "let go of my throat, you're hurting me," she means "feel my breasts."
- When a woman says "get out now or I'm calling the police," she
means "feel my breasts."

II) Scoring

- One to three: Clueless
- Three to six: Hopeless
- Six or more: Dangerous

Enjoy this quiz? Consider "The Loneliest Planet: The Handbook for the Chronically Single" ($8 print, $1.00 PDF)

Fiction for Sale

2011-03-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

1) The Loneliest Planet: A Handbook for the Chronically Single, a 44-page booklet of short fiction. ($8 -- includes shipping)

2) Downloadable PDF version of booklet ($0.99 -- After payment, I send you the link for quick download.)

3) Downloadable MP3 recordings of two stories: The Day I Almost Became Gay (4 minutes) and Escape from Bangkok (3 minutes) both for $0.99 -- After payment, I send you the link for quick download.)

The Day I Almost Became Gay (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

2011-03-23T08:37:00.001-07:00

For more erotic humor or humorous erotica, see:
"The Online Date That Went a Little Too Right"
"The Nurse"

Dream woman on a Greek Ferry Part II

2011-03-09T04:32:00.000-08:00

To view Part I (video)

One Day in Bangkok

2011-01-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

From a recent story-telling event in Boston.

Romance on a Greek Ferry: Part 1

2011-01-02T17:32:00.000-08:00

A crazy Russian with a good throwing arm. Part 1
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For Part II click here (audio file)

Why I'm over 40 and still single: New Video

2011-01-02T15:52:00.000-08:00

The fish theory, the valency theory, one day at the shrink's office.

Latest video excerpt from novel in progreshttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifs.

For more humorous articles on being over 40 and single, see:
- Quiz: Are you marriage material?
- Quiz: What's your love style: Martyr, Missionary, Bonder or Barnacle?
- Erotic humor: The online date that went a little too right.

More Novel in Progress: Rats, Plague, Burritos

2010-11-19T22:04:00.000-08:00

Novel Excerpt: One Day in Athens

2010-11-19T21:56:00.000-08:00

Recent Video: Opening scene

2010-11-17T06:28:00.000-08:00

Reading from Novel (Part 4) Jackie the Roller Blade Queen

2010-10-20T21:42:00.000-07:00

Final installment of recent reading from novel in progress: (2.5 minutes)

Click this link to listen to audio clip.

http://www.box.net/shared/4taqahdtnb

Reading from Novel (Part 3) Over 40, Still Single

2010-10-17T17:43:00.000-07:00

Click this link to hear audio from a recent reading from novel in progress:

Over Forty and Still Single

http://www.box.net/shared/tv457trpzj