A Haunting In South Dakota

Horror Film Review

2013-05-19T16:03:00.001-05:00

Hellgate (2011): Ghost flick from Thailand. Everyone speaks English so relax. This is one of those times where the movie poster is more exciting than the film itself. Dammit. Not for nothing, but the original title was Shadows.

Jeff (Cary Elwes) is in Thailand with his wife and son to visit her father. They're in a terrible car accident after leaving the airport. The wife and son die. After Jeff recovers, he begins hearing things and then seeing things. Frightening things. Whenever he's in a place at the exact time someone died unexpectedly or in a particularly emotional way, the trapped soul of the deceased becomes visible and audible. And they want something from Jeff. So Jeff's freaking out, of course, which leads his nurse Choi (Ploy Jindachote) to bring in her spiritualist aunt who tries to help but turns out isn't strong enough. She takes Jeff and Choi to the middle of nowhere to meet the mysterious and reclusive Warren (William Hurt). He explains that Jeff's soul is trapped in the shadow world with those of his wife and son and if he doesn't reunite with it soon, his physical body will fade away. The solution? Travel even farther into the middle of nowhere to an ancient "gate" protected by Buddhist monks where Jeff has to travel to the shadow world, pull his soul and body together, convince his wife and son to move on, all the while dodging cannibalistic demons who want to either possess him or, uh, eat him. Piece 'o cake.

Thai horror flicks more often than not exceed expectations of awesomeness. This one does not. Why? Hard to say. Nothing jumps out that you can point to. It's an overall sense of...blah. Maybe there are too many Americans involved, a little too much Hollywood influence watered it down. This doesn't apply to actors Elwes and Hurt, however. This leaves writer/director John Penney whose previous writing credits include Return of the Living Dead III. That, I think, is what's called a clue.

Breakdown

Acting: No sour notes. Elwes creeps near camp territory but doesn't cross the line. Hurt's subdued and troubled Warren is worth the price of admission.
Story: This take on the trapped-between-worlds scenario is interesting if not riveting.
Direction: Here, I'm afraid, is where the trouble lies. It is the director's responsibility to pull a film together, to make it work. If it's a horror flick, he must keep up the suspense and scares while moving the narrative along. In this case, the suspense is patchy when it's not nonexistent.
Production Values: They're fine. Filmed on location in Thailand. The budget was $5 million, so enough to keep it from looking cheap. I bet a goodly portion of that went to Hurt and Elwes.
Gore/FX: The demons are fairly gruesome, all pointy teeth and lacquered in blood. Creepy eyes. The little CGI utilized (ghosts coming through walls, etc.) isn't awful.
Scares: A couple of minor ones. Nothing to worry your dry cleaner.
Ending: Happy, happy, happy. Well, someone goes blind, but that's it.
Verdict: Should you see Hellgate? If you're an Elwes or Hurt fan, then sure. Die hard horror fans may want to steer clear. For the average movie goer, I can't recommend it yet neither can I say it's rubbish. It's just so...

Rating: 3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-05-12T23:17:00.001-05:00

Rise of the Zombies (2012): I fear it will be quite some time before we see the last of stinky zombie flicks inspired by AMC's The Walking Dead. Case in point, this 89-minute turd. What follows will contain spoilers, which is either ironic or witty given that the film, much like month-old milk, was already spoiled before I clicked PLAY.

Zombie apocalypse in San Francisco. Something about the water supply. Refuge camp on Alcatraz. Zombies float on over, attack, and drive the survivors back to the mainland where they break into two groups; one (led by Danny Trejo) heads to an evacuation site, the other (led by Mariel Hemingway) to find a scientist (French Stewart) who's created a vaccine. That's about it. Oh, right. Levar Burton. He plays a scientist whose daughter was bitten and therefore stays behind on Alcatraz in an ultimately futile attempt to discover a cure. It's an idiotic subplot that's really just filler and a waste of Burton. As you can probably imagine, most everyone dies. You won't care. You may even be cheering. Yeah. It's one of those.

Aspects of particular annoyance include the pregnant woman on the run in the beginning. She escapes several attacks, ends up hiding in an ambulance on the Golden Gate bridge where she's found by Hemingway's group but then promptly gets bitten by a zombie. They do a C-section, get the baby out, think everything's just peachy, and then the kid changes. They toss it on the ground and stomp its head into jelly. So the whole pregnant woman subplot is irrelevant and stupid. Then there are the endless aerial shots of the city, a city supposedly devoid of non-zombie life, where we see cars and trucks driving around. And so on and so forth...

Breakdown

Acting: Surprisingly awful. Best of the lot is Chad Lindberg as Kyle. Worst has to be Hemingway.
Story: Full of holes and even more unforgivable, boring.
Direction: The most positive thing I can say is that the narrative thread is consistent. Beyond that...yawn.
Production Values: Budget is unknown, but it's definitely a cheapie. On the plus side, it's on film instead of video. On the downside, most of the dialogue had to be re-dubbed. It was filmed in San Francisco and they make sure you know it. Shots of Lombard and Haight and of course the Golden Gate and Alcatraz. Doesn't help.
Gore/FX: It's really pretty gross. Lots of guts and brains and flesh eating going on. The zombie make up isn't bad. The CGI is, though.
Scares: Not so much.
Ending: Four people and a dog live. Flying away on a helicopter. In search of a lab to make more vaccine. For a zombie flick, extraordinarily upbeat. And therefore, extraordinarily wrong.
Verdict: Should you watch Rise of the Zombies? Really, don't. The worst episode of The Walking Dead is ten times better than this mess. In fact, just go watch The Walking Dead again. Trust me.

Rating: 1 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-05-04T20:21:00.000-05:00

John Dies at the End (2012): Great title. Bizarre movie. If H.P. Lovecraft, William S. Burroughs, and George A. Romero sat together dropping acid, they might have come up with this story. I heard about it last year and as with the Evil Dead remake, became excited. But whereas ED more or less lived up to expectations, this one left me scratching my head.

So, plot summary usually goes here. I don't know how. Why, you ask? Because I've seen it and still haven't a clue as to how the chronology works. Were our Everyman heroes Dave and John paranormal butt-kickers before or after the Soy Sauce incident? Or was everything a flashback Dave told to Paul Giamatti's reporter character (who's an elderly black man who's, uh...dead). No idea, and that bothers me. I will soldier on, however, and explain it as I understood it.

There's a new drug on the scene called Soy Sauce. It's black and expands your mind to unbelievable extremes. Problem is, it's actually alive. An invading inter-dimensional parasite that uses the host and then kills it when it's no longer useful (kind of a zombie thing). Buddies Dave (Chase Williamson) and John (Rob Mayes) are caught up in the initial craziness and become unlikely champions for our world. John and Dave both take the Soy Sauce. John does die, although not at the end, but comes back to team up with Dave and super famous paranormal researcher/motivational speaker Dr. Albert Marconi (Clancy Brown) in order to travel to a parallel dimension to kill Korrok, a Cthulu-like creature that's behind the parasitic invasion. There's a bomb (of sorts) and a dog makes the ultimate sacrifice. Was Korrok killed? Maybe. Either way, there's enough left over evil to keep Dave and John busy. I think.

The film is narrated by Dave which should help clarify what's going on. It doesn't. The opening scene with him and the hatchets is very entertaining yet makes absolutely no contextual sense. Also senseless is the pale skinny guy with the slugs (don't ask because I don't know). The time travel bits are a little too Bill and Ted and while necessary for the climax, don't fit with the rest of the story. And then there's the girl who explodes into a bunch of snakes, the monster made out of meat cuts from a freezer, and the door knob that morphs into a penis and testicles. A little something for everyone.

The best part of this film, of course, is Paul Giamatti, who also executive produced. The scene where Dave shows him the invisible creature in the cage is short but awesome. A number of other scenes are equally cool, but unfortunately, unless you can weave them together into a cohesive whole, you're just going to end up with a mess.

Breakdown

Acting: Williamson as Dave seems to be channeling Topher Grace half the time. Mayes as John does the same but with Sean William Scott. As I said, Giamatti as dead black reporter Arnie Blonestone is the real treat.
Story: The basic idea is sound, but then they kept adding more weirdness that bogged it down to the point of incomprehension.
Direction: I think proper direction may have saved a goodly portion of the film. It can be done. Just needed someone like Tarantino to pull it off.
Production Values: The budget is unknown. I suspect a few million since it does look pretty good. No tell-tale low-budget crappiness.
Gore/FX: There are some gross bits, a few exploding heads and such. Most of the CGI is decent enough (the penis and testicles was pretty lame, though). My favorite FX has to be the meat monster.
Scares: Not really that kind of movie.
Ending: Dave and John shooting hoops...then getting sucked into another dimension where they're tasked to save the day. Again. Odd and not terribly satisfying.
Verdict: Should you see John Dies at the End? It's goofy and different and probably worth a look for the sheer novelty of it. Just don't expect it to make a lick of sense.

Rating: 3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-04-28T20:17:00.000-05:00

Evil Dead (2013): At long last...the one we've all been waiting for. I saw it tonight in the theater. Expectations were beyond high, and needless to say, I was nervous as hell. I mean, the tag line was, "The scariest movie you'll ever see!" So was it? Was it the scariest movie I've ever seen? No. Was it a kick-ass gore-fest that lived up to the impossible standard set by the original 22 years ago? Yes, yes it was.

The filmmakers eschewed opening credits and dove headlong into prologue where a father, helped by some Deliverance extras, sets his teenage daughter on fire to save her soul from a possessing demon. It seemed to work, and so on to present day where five young people head to a dilapidated cabin in the woods not to party but to help drug-addict Mia (Jane Levy) go cold turkey. Joining Mia are her friends Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci) and Olivia (Jessica Lucas), her estranged brother David (Shiloh Fernandez) and his girlfriend Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore). A smell leads them to a trap door which leads to a creepy basement where they find fire damage and a book wrapped in barbed wire. Oh, and dozens of decomposing cats hanging from the ceiling. While Mia's outside wandering around in the rain and dealing with withdrawals, Eric (who is supposed to be the smart one) decides to read passages aloud from the book. As we know, it's an ancient book of the dead that's basically an instruction manual for making bad shit happen, i.e. a Pavlovian bell for super evil demons. Mia's possessed after a tree rapes her (sort of) and then we're off to the races, seriously bloody races. Let's see...there's a box cutter, machete, an electric knife, a nail gun, crowbar, double-barrel shotgun, and, of course, a chainsaw. Not to mention shards from a broken mirror and, well, fire. The five friends go to four, then three, etc. Ultimately, Mia takes on the resurrected, soul-eating demon while the cabin burns and it's raining blood. This climax falls under the category "must see to believe."

A few things: there's a slight subplot regarding Mia and David's mother dying in a mental hospital but it's not at all important. If you're a dog-lover, all I can say is, sorry. The soundtrack is impressive. More specifically, the cacophony of music mixed with what can only be described as a civil defense siren whenever shit goes sideways. Very effective and very disturbing. One complaint I have is the utter, and I mean utter lack of humor. Not one line of dialogue written to elicit the tiniest of smiles. You may say, "Look, moron, it's a horror flick. Why should it be funny?" Of course it shouldn't be funny as a whole, but every movie (except maybe Schindler's List) has at least one line, at least one stab at humor. Not here, though, and I think that was a mistake because it's been my experience that juxtaposing comedy and horror heightens the horror. Oh, well. Maybe next time.

For fans of the original: a certain car makes an appearance. You know the one I'm talking about. Can't really miss it...or what's left of it. There's a nice reference to Flint, MI as well as a familiar running-through-the-woods camera technique. The biggest question, of course, is whether Ash or some form of Bruce Campbell makes an appearance. I had my doubts, yet I waited through all of the end credits just be sure. All I'll say is you should do the same. Hail to the king, baby.

Breakdown

Acting: Surprisingly subdued performances enhance the terror. Pucci gets a bit hammy as his character Eric goes a bit nutty. There are a few false notes but they're brief and immediately forgotten.
Story: The intervention twist is interesting if not humorless. I guess they couldn't completely copy the original.
Direction: A somewhat plodding first act is more than made up for by the remaining two.
Production Values: A $17 million budget is an absolute fortune compared to what Sam Raimi and crew had to play with in the original but still relatively small by Hollywood standards. Even so, the film looks anything but cheap. Quite impressive.
Gore/FX: Ah, yes. Here's where most of the money went. No CGI, they did carnage the old fashioned way which means more realistic. I can't even begin to explain how much blood there is yet surprisingly it's light on what I consider heavy gore. That is to say, no eviscerations. However, there is just about everything else you could imagine. The licking of the box cutter was the only scene where I had to momentarily look away. Maybe I'm weird, but the final battle where one-handed Mia's using the chainsaw made me smile. It was awesome.
Scares: For the uninitiated, probably quite a few. I didn't jump although I came quite close numerous times. Especially the bit with David and Mia in the flooded basement. Jeepers.
Ending: As I've said, the final confrontation is epic. I must say I was surprised that someone lives. Well, maybe not super surprised since there had to be sequel considerations. And, of course, there's the bit after the credits. If you're a true fan, it's worth it the wait.
Verdict: I won't even ask the question. Of course you should see it. Despite the heavy tone and lack of humor, it's a hell of a lot of fun. One might even say...groovy.

Rating: 5 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-04-07T18:39:00.000-05:00

Osombie (2012): This is what you call a high-concept zombie flick. Think Zero Dark Thirty meets Dawn of the Dead. And to be honest, there's no way in hell it should have worked. I expected a cheap movie haphazardly cobbled together to capitalize on the current popularity of both the mission to kill bin Laden and that of zombies. In other words, I expected to be annoyed and then write a review destroying it with my acerbic wit. I do enjoy being surprised.

During the attack on bin Laden's compound, soldiers discover the psycho has been fiddling about with biological agents and run into a handful of his "experiments." They eventually kill the leader and load him into the chopper; however, while over the Arabian Sea, he comes back to life and the chopper goes down. Guess who walks out of the sea craving human flesh?

Flash forward to a rag-tag unit of mostly American special forces soldiers on patrol in Afghanistan. Nearly all U.N. military personnel have pulled out due to the rise in undead combatants and non-combatants. There is no global pandemic, rather it's a controlled program run by terrorists who are creating the zombies and using them as weapons. Like walking IEDs. Osama coming back was the miracle they were looking for to justify their hatred of the West. Or something. The soldiers' mission is to find the terrorists' HQ and call in an air strike to wipe it off the face of the earth. Complicating their mission is Derek (Jasen Wade), an off balance yoga instructor who flew to the Middle East on a personal quest to kill bin Laden and his sister Dusty (Eve Mauro) who chased after him and wound up needing rescuing. After they all find each other, the group makes it to the enemy camp and the final battle is waged.

As with most movies featuring a tight-knit group of soldiers, the disparate personalities are accentuated. The tough-as-nails commander (who's killed almost immediately), the token Brit doctor, the lone woman who's very good with a sword, the pretty boy who likes to take his shirt off, the comedian with the nickname Joker, etc. What impressed me the most was their easy chemistry and the subtle humor that never seemed forced. I also loved the fact that two of them get into an argument over whether or not zombies poop. The film, then, is more of a tongue-in-cheek offering than a serious foray into the genre, which is the only way it works. And as such, it works quite well.

Breakdown

Acting: Wade is a bit over the top as the goofy Derek. Sword-wielding Tomboy (Danielle Churchran) is too stiff. Other than that, performances are all right Surprisingly all right, in fact.
Story: Ah, yes. Well...okay, it's pretty stupid and rife with plot holes, but as it's not meant to be taken seriously, this deficit becomes mostly irrelevant.
Direction: I won't go so far as to say it's deft, but it certainly isn't awful.
Production Values: The budget is unknown, yet it's obvious they had some money to play with and most that probably went to the bazillion rounds of ammo fired. The majority of the film is exteriors shot in Utah and they look good. It's hard to screw up outside shots. So no complaints regarding the technical aspects.
Gore/FX: Pretty much what you'd expect. Lots of head shots with CGI blood splatter. Not an overabundance of zombie munching, though. Overall, on par with what you see every week on The Walking Dead. I did like the big gun that made the zombies literally explode. Groovy.
Scares: One or two minor ones. I don't think it was much of a priority.
Ending: More people live than you might think. It borders on happy. I know. Weird.
Verdict: Should you see Osombie? Despite the many negative reviews floating around out there, I liked this movie. True, it's not a great movie but it's definitely worth 94 minutes of your time.

Rating: 3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-03-16T22:34:00.000-05:00

Episode 50 (2011): I may cuss in this review. Fair warning. So here we have another flick about ghost hunting gone horribly wrong. Actually, in this case, it's gone horribly stupid. And the ways it has gone horribly stupid are legion. (See what I did there with 'legion'?) You know, if priests can exorcise demons, we should be able to exorcise shit movies like this. I'll do my best...

A rich guy dying of cancer lets two competing paranormal investigative teams have full access to the most haunted place in America, the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum, in order to prove or disprove the existence of an afterlife. The scientific group that tries to debunk everything has its own TV show and is led by Jack (Josh Folan), a not so subtle rip-off of Zak from Ghost Adventures, and this investigation is to be their 50th episode, hence the title. The religious group has a psychic medium and staunchly believes all the activity is demon-related. Guess who's right? So they investigate and experience cold spots, creepy voices, shadow figures...and the ghost of a murdered nurse who straps a team member to a table in order to give her shock therapy. Another spirit snaps the neck of the psychic. Hmm. Don't see that on Ghost Hunters. Anyway, it turns out a serial killer who was transferred to the asylum opened a portal to hell while at the West Virginia state penitentiary and hell came with him. The survivors dash back to the jail's basement to confront the demon and, of course, success hinges on whether Jack now believes in the power of God to smite evil. Or some such bullshit.

Critique time, and I honestly don't know where to start. It's like a cornucopia of suck. OK...towards the end as they're dashing to the jail, there's about two minutes of aerial shots set to elevator music. Why? Hell if I know. Maybe somebody lost a bet. Both the guys from Ghost Adventures and Ghost Hunters have investigated Trans-Allegheny. What's in this movie is so painfully not Trans-Allegheny that I wanted scream. And when you think of ghost hunting shows, what comes to mind? Night vision cameras that make everything that funky green color and first-person perspective, right? Nope, not here. So that's one of many major tension-building opportunities missed. Instead, the static cameras show us spirits walking around that, ironically, seem to be made of static. Just dumb. But perhaps the most ridiculous of all is the demon they find in basement. It's surrounded by what's supposed to be hellfire and is a lame stereotype sporting horns, devil eyes, and pointy teeth. I tried not to yawn....or punch the screen. I'll deal with the rest of the film's problems below; however, I want to mention that this is a lesson in less is more. Don't show the demons or ghosts. Do show shadows and objects moving on their own. Focus on the creepy-ass atmosphere and how scared everyone's getting. And if your goal is to get an audience to believe they're watching "found footage" of a paranormal investigation gone horribly wrong, don't add a music soundtrack for fuck's sake. Good Lord...

Breakdown

Acting: Some of the worst I've had the misfortune to witness in quite some time. The one person who's not awful is Chris Perry as Jack's friend Damon.
Story: It bothers me they used Trans-Allegheny. This is a legit haunted asylum and really is considered the most haunted place in the USA, so the way it's portrayed here borders on blasphemy. The rich dude with cancer is contrived and silly and unnecessary. The plot holes are bigger than the portal to hell, I swear.
Direction: Started out mostly not terrible then as soon as the investigation commenced, it fell apart in a big damn hurry. Narrative cohesion was not a priority. The running time is only 78 minutes, yet it feels like twice that.
Production Values: They didn't film at the real asylum, fine; but with a budget of $1.3 million, they could have at least tried to find a place that didn't look like an abandoned Motel 6. It's on film, not video, which is good, yet also somewhat strange given the subject matter.
Gore/FX: Very little blood. The CGI demon is cartoonish and laughable. The ghost of the murdered nurse looked all right.
Scares: Surprisingly, there is one. And one only.
Ending: Cancer guy watching the unaired footage (that we just saw) and crying. Why? 'Cause he's been such an asshole that he knows he's going to burn in hell. Um...a bit of a stretch, but OK.
Verdict: Should you see Episode 50? I can think of no circumstances under which you may find yourself where this movie could plague your screen. Well, maybe if you've been trapped in a satellite by an evil scientist and two snarky robots are your only companions. (If you have no clue what this means, then Google MST3K. You'll discover I'm being very humorous.)

Rating: 1 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-03-10T22:31:00.000-05:00

Scary or Die (2012): I usually avoid horror flicks like this one; you know, a bunch of separate stories loosely connected. Think Creepshow or Twilight Zone The Movie. I'm just not interested in a 15 or 20 minute quickie that more often than not isn't fleshed out enough to provide the required horror impact. So why this time? Bill Oberst, Jr. (Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies) that's why. Five shorts and Bill's in just the first one. Bummer.

The film starts with "someone" at a computer clicking on videos, which of course are the mini-movies. The first stars Oberst as Buck, a racist misanthrope who gets his kicks killing Mexicans, illegal or legal, at the border. So he's at the border with his friend, a man who fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down, and his latest woman, who's clueless as to how nuts Buck is. After killing two Mexicans, his dead-and-buried victims start crawling out of their graves. Stupid friend dies very badly (they grabbed his legs and did a wishbone thing). Buck fares about as well as his former victims eat him alive. Oberst's death scene is intense and quite impressive. The man knows how to die. The girl runs, escapes, and then wouldn't you know it, gets gunned down by border guards. Not exactly original, but could have been worse.

The next story is sort a modern version of Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart where a hit man kills a guy, chops him up, stuffs the pieces in a duffel bag, and tosses it in the trunk of his car. Then the knocking starts. A cop stops him, checks the trunk, and oddly, let's him go. When the killer opens the duffel later, it's empty. His victim has come back and really isn't very happy.

The third is an odd tale about a sad widower who saves a woman's life (maybe) and gets invited back to her place where things are not what they seem. This one couldn't hold my attention.

The fourth is the one with the clown and by far the longest. A clown bites Emmett (Corbin Bleu) who then slowly begins mutating into a clown; skin turns white, feet grow huge, hair turns into a massive white afro, and then there's the mouth, of course. As bad as this is, he also gets cravings for human flesh. Emmett fears for the safety of his family and therefore runs away. The clown who bit him kidnaps his little brother and just as he's about to start snacking on the boy, Emmett shows up and kills the guy...or thing. When Emmett realizes his life is essentially over, he chooses the death-by-cop method of suicide.

The last story involves the woman who appears in all four previous stories albeit only peripherally. She fell in love and fell hard. The guy turns out to be a two-timing douche who kills her, stuffs her in a steamer trunk, and abandons it in the woods. Unfortunately for the douche, the woman was sprinkled with goofer dust as a child (a voodoo concoction that protects its recipient from a variety of harms and evils). At the very end of the movie, we see it's she who's on the internet clicking on the videos. Yeah, I don't really get it either. Especially since we're led to believe that zombie woman returns to her trunk in the trees after doing her killing.

Five stories and none is particularly awesome or groovy. The first is my favorite by far, though. It's got zombies, gore, comeuppance, and Oberst. Good combo. The clown tale is second best, but it lacks a sense of...fun. It suffers under the weight of melancholia that, frankly, irritated me. The other three aren't awful yet neither are they worth spending much time talking about.

Breakdown

Acting: No performance is terrible, but Oberst and Bleu stand out. There's a reason their names are on the movie poster.
Stories: Mostly zombie fare and old hat by now. Emmett's story is the newest old hat. So to speak.
Direction: I wish the common denominator connecting the five wasn't so weak. Otherwise, I didn't see a lot to complain about.
Production Values: No clue about budget but they don't have a cheap feel to them. They made an effort at least. That's more than can be said about half of today's horror flicks.
Gore/FX: They don't shy away from blood and yet there isn't gratuitous ickiness. No CGI that I can remember.
Scares: Not really. The hit man story comes closest.
Ending: Like I said, the goofer dust woman at the computer didn't make sense to me. I think it was supposed to be a big deal. It wasn't.
Verdict: Should you see Scary or Die? I don't know... I will say it's not without interest or totally devoid of creepiness. I will also say that I prefer one story for the full hour and a half.

Rating: 3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-03-03T13:52:00.000-06:00

Sector 7 (2011): Here's what I've learned over the years regarding foreign cinema: you want a good zombie flick, go to the Brits or French. Freaky-ass witches? Italy. Ghosts? Thailand (Japan will do in a pinch if you like pissed off girl spirits with buggy eyes and insanely long black hair). Monsters? Well, your first instinct might be to also say Japan, but you'd be wrong. No, South Korea is where to go for monster movies these days. And wouldn't you know it, Sector 7 is a Korean monster movie. What are the odds? Deal with the subtitles, by the way.

It begins with a flashback. A guy's on the sea floor troubleshooting the pipe when there's some rumbling and shaking and these tiny, glowing fish-things pop out of cracks in the earth, which then explodes and kills the guy. Back to the present where we are introduced to an oil rig crew that's had no luck finding oil. Their unofficial leader is Cha Hae-joon (Ji-won Ha...she's the one in the middle on the poster) whose nickname is "Hard Ass" and refuses to quit when the Captain (Jeong-hak Park...not on the poster) decides to pull the plug. You see, the guy that got killed in the flashback was her father. Her sort-of-not-really boyfriend Kim Dong-soo (Ji-ho Oh...the guy on the left) is the hunky hero type and Lee Jeong-man (Seong-gi Ahn...the guy on the right) is a well-respected veteran of the rig flown in to oversee the shut down but ends up backing Hae-joon to stay and keep digging for that black gold. Oops. You know, it's really not what you think. The monster is not something they awaken or accidentally release from a heretofore unknown ecosystem. Nope. Turns out that Jeong-man (that's the veteran guy) discovered many years ago that those pretty little glow fish are actually made of a pure form of petroleum and could be the holy grail of Korea's search for energy self-sufficiency. Of course, there's the ethical dilemma of killing the cute buggers, burning them alive to be precise, to get it. The veteran went a step further and secretly experimented with breeding and mutating them to create bigger ones. Yeah, guess how well that went? Now the secret's out, as is the creature that's now the size of a rhino and looks like what you'd get if you crossed a scorpion with a jellyfish and then with Jabba the Hutt. It's not pretty. So it's loose and knocking off the crew one by one until only the three on the poster are left. Jeong-man battles the critter one-on-one in some kind of attempt at atonement. Doesn't work. The creature keeps coming back. Again and again. And again. And yet again. I'm not kidding, the movie should have been called The Fucker Won't Die. Eventually, we end up with an Aliens-like showdown with Hae-joon and a very battered but still pissed off monster. Oh, and did I mention the oil rig's self-destruct mechanism was activated? (Is that a real thing? I can see starships having self-destruct sequences but oil rigs?) Anyway, lots of running and fighting, close calls and narrow escapes, and ultimately Hae-joon on a motorcycle making a beeline for the edge of the helipad as the boom clock counts down to zero.

The supporting characters in this film are not throwaways but fully fleshed out and therefore we have an emotional investment in them. The two guys who play best friends are a lot of fun. There's a weird, nerdy spaz guy nobody takes seriously and you end up feeling sorry for him. There's the really young guy you'd think of as a kid brother, a doctor who's mostly a buffoon, and a scientist lady who was in on the experiments with the veteran. And finally the captain who winds up pulling a Burke (another Aliens reference, meaning he saves his own skin at the expense of others).

Questions. I have a few. Why do they have motorcycles and shotguns on an oil rig (not to mention a self-destruct protocol)? If the creature's blood is flammable (did I mention its blood is flammable?) why didn't die the first time they torched it? What was it doing with the bodies of those it killed? One scene looked as though it was building some kind of slimy nest with them but it wasn't revisited. I know it sounds odd, but the creature could have used more fleshing out. Yeah, I get it. Monster movie, not Shakespeare. Still...

Breakdown

Acting: Ji-won Ha as Hae-joon is a little over the top and manic most of the time. Seong-gi Ahn as the veteran is awesome. He's like a Korean Sean Connery. Ji-ho Oh as hunky boyfriend is also very good.
Story: I like that they spent the time weaving a decent plot that's not the usual cliché. They erred, however, in the climax where they asked us to suspend our disbelief just a tad too much. Fucker wouldn't die...
Direction: These kind of films are tricky to put together and even more tricky to execute properly. Ji-hoon Kim handled it better than I thought possible. I was, I must say, riveted.
Production Values: No clue about budget amount. That being said, you genuinely feel like you're on an oil rig in the middle of the sea. It's gritty and grimy and realistic as anything I've seen in a movie. Lots of good exterior shots from a chopper and creative CGI blend almost seamlessly into the sets they built. Almost. It actually has the feel of a big budget film. Hollywood caliber if not better.
Gore/FX: Some blood, obviously, but no gratuitous gore. No shots of the monster ripping heads off or munching on innards. The monster is a purely CGI construct which is sometimes off-putting because it's so plainly computer generated. It's not bad most of the time, though. The CGI fire is spectacular.
Scares: Not really. However, there was definitely lots of edge of your seat, armrest gripping tension.
Ending: There were many. Like I said, the thing wouldn't die. The truly final ending could have used a bit of a twist instead of going for tears. It should have ended with Hae-joon in the rescue chopper...and then the creature should have been clinging to its skid.
Verdict: Should you see Sector 7? If you like monster flicks, then you betcha. It is technically horror, but it comes across as more action/adventure to me. Like Aliens. Aliens was such a good movie. Sector 7 isn't that good, but it's worth 100 minutes of your time.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-02-24T02:12:00.000-06:00

The Screen at Kamchanod (2007): It's been a while since I've had the ever-lovin' crap scared out of me, and it shouldn't come as a galloping shock that the film responsible comes from our friends in Thailand. To say those folks know how to make ghost movies is like saying AMC knows how to make TV shows about zombies. That is to say, they're pretty damn good at it.

Right. This summary isn't going to be anything remotely resembling easy. A medical doctor is obsessed with the paranormal, especially a strange story about an incident that occurred 20 years ago when a film was shown in a forest clearing to no audience...sort of. Supposedly, ghosts showed up then vanished, and then the projectionists went a bit daffy (one's catatonic and refuses to let go of some kind of amulet). So now, the doctor wants to recreate the scene in hopes of validating his esoteric research. He finally finds the copy of the film and pre-screens it in an abandoned movie theater. Joining him are a slacker ne'er-do-well hired for odd jobs, two fellow researchers, and his oddly sullen girlfriend. Minutes into the screening, bunches of ghosts pop up and start terrorizing the doc's little group. Later and on their own, each continues to be assailed by spirits that seem to want nothing more than to frighten them if not to death, then at least to the point of insanity. I should mention that during all of this, there's a subtext woven into the story involving the girlfriend, who we learn is a victim of the doctor's physical abuse, and the slacker, who is in love with her. Don't roll your eyes just yet. Nothing is as it seems and this "romantic triangle" is integral to the overall story. Eventually, the doc sets up the film to be shown in the forest again and stands on the sidelines with a reporter to see what happens. Suffice it to say that the outcome of his little experiment isn't what he had in mind. Nope. Not even a tiny bit.

There is so much going on in this film, so many interconnected twists and turns that I couldn't possibly begin to explain it all. And truth be told, I shouldn't. It would take the fun out of it. You know, it's one of those deals like in The Usual Suspects when you begin to realize who Kevin Spacey really is and what's really is going on. OK...maybe not quite to that extent, but pretty damn close. I thought I had seen enough horror films to be able to predict who's going to do what, who's going to die, and how the story will end. Apparently not. Which, of course, is groovy. I'm trying very hard to think of a complaint right now... No, not the subtitles. Deal with it. I guess if I had to bitch about something, it would be about what it's always about, namely a lack of explanation regarding the 'why.' Why are the spirits so active and pissed off? What's up with that clearing and why is its close proximity to a Buddhist temple relevant? And who the hell was that monk? Anyway, this is a flavor of complaint I can live with.

Breakdown

Acting: They all do a decent enough job. Nobody's terrible.
Story: It's a new one on me. And in this case, new is good.
Direction: It may seem sketchy at first, but there's a reason for everything. Stick with it.
Production Values: The film has a darkish, rough look that serves the story well. Atmosphere, is what they call it. The budget couldn't have been terribly high, and yet you won't care.
Gore/FX: There's a little blood but nothing super gross. What CGI there is is well done. The ghost make-up is effective.
Scares: Seriously, I lost count. There are that many. Three in particular will more likely than not prompt a change of knickers.
Ending: It's revealed what's really been going on with these characters (you will be surprised) and also where they end up (you'll be even more surprised). We have a rare thing here...a clever wrap up to a consistently scary movie.
Verdict: Should you see The Screen at Kamchanod? Unless you're interested in a smart story that's deftly filmed that will also scare you witless, then no, probably not.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-02-16T14:47:00.001-06:00

A Little Bit Zombie (2012): Zombie comedy flick from Canada, eh. They seem to be in fashion these days, and hey, I'm not complaining...yet. Give it a year and then we'll start seeing crappy knock-offs. Of course, then I'll be able to write those super fun negative reviews. So it's a win-win for me. In the mean time...

Steve (Kristopher Turner) is an HR dispute resolution specialist fixin' to marry bridezilla Tina (Crystal Lowe). His take-no-shit sister Sarah (Kristen Hager) is married to partying jock Craig (Shawn Roberts), they're the matron of honor and best man, and the four of them head to a cabin in the woods for a relaxing weekend before the wedding. Nearby, professional zombie hunters Max (Stephen McHattie) and Penelope (Emilie Ullerup) dispatch a mob of brain-munchers. A mosquito on the scene sucks up some undead blood, flies to the cabin, and bites Steve who proceeds to slowly, and hysterically, turn into a zombie. After learning of Steve, Penelope thinks he's the key to developing a vaccine while Max thinks the only good zombie is a dead zombie. Tina is determined to allow nothing to interfere with her wedding plans and so goes to great, and very funny, lengths to keep Steve as normal as possible. But when she and Sarah dress up like hookers and lure an unsuspecting bar patron back to the cabin for Steve to eat, Craig decides enough is enough and calls Penelope and Max. It was a good idea. What happens next...not so much expected.

Turner as Steve reminds me of a young Jim Carrey with his very expressive facial contortions. There's comedy gold in the blood feud between Tina and Sarah as well as in the odd relationship between Penny and Max (McHattie as you know had a great role in another zombie flick, Pontypool). As for complaints...Penny uses a mystical crystal ball that points them in the direction of zombies (it's really just one of those plasma orbs), but it's never explained where it came from or how she came to be in possession of it. We also don't know how the zombie plague started or how widespread it is, although we intuit that it's not global or even national. Ultimately, you won't care. You'll be too busy laughing at the crazy goings-on with Steve and company.

Breakdown

Acting: McHattie hams it up in every scene and is a hoot. Turner's performance is just this side of comedic genius. Roberts as Craig is the only real blight. He's like the love-child between Carrot Top and Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds.
Story: I liked the fun-poking at zombie flick conceits. This is as much satire and straight comedy, and both work in a plot that despite similarities to DeadHeads and Warm Bodies, is wholly unique.
Direction: Would you believe the name of the director is Walker? It's like kismet. No second act lag, no extraneous bullshit to get in the way of the action.
Production Values: Made for just under 2 million Canadian dollars, so not really low-budget but also not Hollywood slick either, which is just perfect for a zom-com. Obviously, it's on film and all technical stuff is properly professional.
Gore/FX: There's some good blood, especially in Max and Penny's first scene where they (well, Max) blasts away first with his sawed-off shotgun and then his Uzis. There's also some gross stuff. Max drools whenever someone says "brains." I'm talking Homer Simpson drooling, here. And there's an amazing projectile vomiting scene. Oh, and the scene in the exotic meats shop where Steve samples the brains of various woodland creatures. And then...
Scares: I should change this to Laughs. No, there are no scares.
Ending: Not what I expected. It turns a little bit into a black comedy. Still funny, though.
Verdict: Should you see A Little Bit Zombie? You really should. It's well acted, well written, and well executed. Oh...I forgot to warn you. A pet bunny does die. As a bunny owner myself, I can tell you it's done in a way that will make you giggle instead of gasp. Now that's impressive.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-02-10T21:44:00.000-06:00

The Day (2011): This stark, depressing entry in the post-apocalyptic horror sub-genre does not involve zombies, vampires, or a pandemic. Instead, it relies on the innate depravity locked within most humans that invariably rises to the surface during calamitous scenarios. You know the old adage...one man's survival is another man's cannibalism. The Day reminded me a lot of Hell and Stakeland. It's on par with the former but not nearly as good as the latter.

Three old high school buddies Rick (Dominic Monaghan), Adam (Shawn Ashmore), and Henson (Cory Hardrict) are joined by Shannon (Shannyn Sossamon) and Mary (Ashley Bell) as they navigate a bleak, lifeless countryside ten years after some unknown event decimates the planet. Rick's the leader, a bit of a dreamer who carries with him two jars of seeds. He'll play Johnny Appleseed when/if they ever find a hospitable enough patch of ground. Henson's sick with TB or something and says "fuck" a lot. Adam's the brooder who's still reeling from the loss of this wife and daughter. Shannon's moody and selfish and kind of a bitch. Mary's enigmatic, the last to join the group that once numbered over a dozen, but she's also the best fighter. They come across a large abandoned house in the middle of nowhere and decide to take a break. Yeah, I know. How could folks hardened to the ways of the new world not immediately think "trap"? Dunno. But it is. They fend off the first small band of cannibals who answer the dinner bell (I'm being literal here...a bell rings when the trap's sprung). More, many more, are on the way and our heroes decide to make their final stand at the house. The results of that decision are decidedly mixed.

These cannibals are just regular people who gathered together in separate tribes. "Regular" is relative, however, since these folks have no qualms about eating their own. No explanation is given as to what prompted certain members of the surviving population to go the long pig route. And that's my major complaint about the film...no explanations. Of anything. What did they survive? Dunno. Why is Rick in charge? Dunno. Even more fundamental, what country are they in? Dunno. It's frustrating, yet an argument can be made that since the movie is called The Day and we're witnessing 24 hours in the lives of these people, nothing extraneous is required. Personally, I think that's a crap argument. As it is, we must rely on the occasional offhand comment to try to fill in the blanks.

A few random comments... This film is in black and white. Why? Dunno. I reckon it's to give us a better sense of how awful things have gotten. There are a few splashes of color in key scenes, though. Fire and blood mostly. And there's something about the music...kinda weird. It fits, but it's weird. The biggest surprise is a Hitchcockian early exit. Didn't see it coming.

Breakdown

Acting: Monaghan tries too hard as does Hardrict. Bell's performance is understated yet somehow explosive. Although the way she goes from shaking with fear to steely killing machine is jarring.
Story: Pared down, bare bones story telling. The subplot with the cannibal leader and his kids is interesting but makes the bad guys too...human. I'd have preferred brainless zombies.
Direction: Never a dull moment even if most of those moments are dreary and full of fatalistic pathos.
Production Values: The house and a remote location in some rugged landscape. Hard to screw that up. I mentioned the black and white thing. At least it's on film and has good sound. I don't know what the budget was but it doesn't have that cheap feel going on.
Gore/FX: Plenty of fight-related blood. Oddly, there's no cannibalism shots. I'm not complaining. The scene where Mary has a tribal brand cut out with a hunting knife is pretty gross.
Scares: Not really what they were going for.
Ending: I wouldn't call it happy, exactly, but there is a nugget of hope. A seed, if you will.
Verdict: Should you see The Day? It'll hold your attention and the fight scenes are properly exciting. There are worse ways to spend 87 minutes of your time.

Rating: 3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-02-03T16:58:00.000-06:00

DeadHeads (2011): Zombie flick! From Michigan! Die-hard zombie fans will understand the significance of this location. Or maybe not. Anyway, this is a comedy on par with Shaun of the Dead and, in some ways, surpasses it. I know, I know...blasphemy, right? Not really. It really is that funny.  And besides, I became less enamored with SOTD when I discovered first hand that Simon Pegg is a douche.

Mike (Michael McKiddy) wakes up in a trashed government lab confused and disoriented. He wanders away, runs into zombies eating folks, freaks, and then comes across a cabin in the woods where a black man (Thomas Galasso) has taken charge in an attempt to protect his fellow cabin mates. (This is an homage to Night of the Living Dead, of course.) Soon thereafter, Mike encounters Brent (Ross Kidder) who finally convinces him that they're both dead and now, somehow, are zombies. Brent is the slacker, devil-may-care type to Mike's pragmatic, what-the-hell-is-going-on type. And then there's Cheese (Markus Taylor), a full-blown zombie Brent has sort of adopted as a pet. When Mike remembers he was going to propose to his girlfriend Ellie (Natalie Victoria), they decide to head back to Michigan to find her...despite the fact that Mike's been dead three years. Another bit of a wrinkle is that Ellie's dad is the one who killed him and is also the head of the government lab. Oh, and they're being pursued by government goons, one of whom is McDinkle (Benjamin Webster), a real jackoff who fancies himself some kind of Rambo. Widower Cliff (Harry Burkey) on his way to Lake Michigan to scatter his wife's ashes picks up the hitchhiking trio and a series of misadventures ensues. Mike and Brent do eventually make it back to Mike's hometown and find Ellie. What happens? Sorry. No spoilers for movies I like.

There are many little moments of awesomeness in this film that can't all be mentioned, so I'll hit the highlights. The group makes a pit stop at a drive-in movie theater. I have to say, there's something profoundly groovy about seeing our zombie heroes eating popcorn and watching The Evil Dead. Other things...a running gag is Mike's arm periodically falling off. Brent's penis falls off while he's having a pee and so he sticks it in his pocket. Later, McDinkle catches him and when he pats him down, he gets a surprise. Cheese speaks only one word throughout the entire film but may be the funniest one of the lot. And I liked the nods to other movies.  Like Raiders of the Lost Ark...the scene where Indy is dragged behind the truck; only here, Mike uses Cheese's large intestine instead of a whip. As you can tell, the filmmakers are first and foremost movie fans and the proof is in all of the homages and inside jokes.

Now for the surprising part. DeadHeads has some heart going for it. Granted, we're not talking about a Peter Weir or Jane Campion film here, but they made an effort to infuse a bit of pathos and you find yourself becoming emotionally invested in these off-the-wall characters. Could have knocked me over with a feather. One last thing...the parallels between this film and the newly released Warm Bodies is interesting. A zombie retains self-awareness and goes after the woman he loves. As you listen to the hype and rave reviews of Warm Bodies, remember that DeadHeads came out two years earlier. Just sayin'.

Breakdown

Acting: Webster as McDinkle is annoyingly bad. Everyone else is pretty good. Ross Kidder bears a striking resemblance to a friend of mine. It's spooky.
Story: I like the flow of the narrative in addition to the basic concept. There's a reason you see very few of these...they're damned difficult to get right. In this case, they did.
Direction: Pierce brothers Brett and Drew not only wrote DeadHeads but also directed. There were many parts of the film where a slight misstep could have run it off the rails. Didn't happen, though. Interestingly, the brothers' father worked on the original The Evil Dead with Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell. That definitely explains a lot.
Production Values: I don't know what the budget was, but it certainly looks good. Many different sets and set ups, numerous interior and exterior shots...all well done. Knowing nothing about the film going in, I was afraid. I needn't have been, though.
Gore/FX: Yes, well, I can report that there was no skimping on the carnage. And you do see Brent's penis. Sort of. The zombie make-up is nothing to sneeze at either.
Scares: Not really. They were focused like a laser beam on humor.
Ending: A little sugary and illogical but I liked it. I really liked that they showed outtakes during the end credits. Funny stuff.
Verdict: Should you see DeadHeads? This is a no-brainer.  One of the best horror comedies I've seen, it's equal to or better than Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, Vampire Killers, Juan of the Dead, and Doghouse. In other words, watch it.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-01-27T17:26:00.000-06:00

The Shock Labyrinth (2009): Ever notice how 99% of horror flicks from Japan are about pissed off ghosts out for revenge? Usually, though, the reason behind the anger is justified (remember The Grudge?). In this one...well, it's a head-scratcher.

Five pre-teen kids sneak into an abandoned haunted hospital attraction. Yuki falls from the top of a staircase and dies. Each of her friends Ken, Rin, Motoko and little sister Myiu blames himself/herself a little but in reality, it was just a terrible accident. Ten or so years later, Yuki turns up at Rin's doorstep, somehow alive. She's obviously not well so they bundle her into Motoko's car and all five of them head to a hospital. They somehow wind up at the place where it all originally went down, so to speak. Once inside, they run into themselves as they were ten years earlier and relive the whole episode. So it's like a weird time loop thing and we finally see what really happened. And also see a petulant Yuki start bumping off her friends and family in very stupid ways. Then there's the Harvey factor. Throughout the film, Yuki's stuffed bunny floats around the hallways and corridors, passes through walls, and does other bizarre things that really make no damn sense at all.

Every plot summary of this film I've seen says, "five teens." It's a lie. No one's older than 12. Marketing ploy, I'll wager. Then there's the thing with the mannequins coming to life and the rain drops pausing in mid-air. Don't get that, either. Adult Ken is arrested for killing his friends, well...one's alive but we're not shown who. But with all the flashbacks and flashforwards, what's really going on becomes so convoluted that I found myself not caring anymore. This is a case of style over substance and it doesn't work.

Breakdown

Acting: Adult Ken's eyes are perpetually wide with shock and that's annoying. The kids do a better job than the adults, frankly.
Story: Pretty much a cliché at this point.
Direction: All over the place. I know that's by design, but it makes for difficult viewing.
Production Values: As with much Asian horror, the film stock is dark and a bit grainy. Atmosphere, I guess. The hospital is stark and depressing. Again, atmosphere. No idea what the budget was. I'd guess less than $100K.
Gore/FX: None of the killing is gross. Ghost Yuki just jumps off the top of the staircase and lands on her foes head-first. Over and over again. Remember I said "stupid ways." The CGI rain is too obviously CGI and thus distracting.
Scares: A couple of "gotcha" jump scares. They also try that thing that they always do in Japanese ghost flicks...long black hair, wide eyes, creepy facial expression. Doesn't work here, though.
Ending: Walking through some woods. Yeah, I don't get it either.
Verdict: Should you see The Shock Labyrinth? There are so many other better Asian horror films out there that I recommend looking elsewhere. If you haven't already, watch Shutter from Thailand for a dose of horror grooviness.

Rating: 2 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-01-27T15:25:00.000-06:00

Vanishing on 7th Street (2010): This movie pissed me off. I just wanted to get that out of the way at the outset. Now...this is another end of the world flick but the exact opposite of Hell (see previous review). Loitering about in the light will get you killed in that film whereas here, loitering in the dark will get you quite dead. Well, maybe dead. Maybe not. That's why I'm pissed. Let me try to explain.

The power goes out for less than a minute and when it returns, most humans are just simply gone. Wherever someone was standing, sitting, or lying down there is now a heap of clothes and jewelry. The handful of folks who didn't go poof were near an independent light source at the time. TV reporter Luke (Hayden Christensen) was sleeping next to lit candles, film projectionist Paul (John Leguizamo) was wearing a miner's headlight, physical therapist Rosemary (Thandie Newton) was lighting up a smoke, and pre-teen James (Jacob Latimore) was in the backup generator-powered bar where his mom bartends. After some backstories and narrow escapes, these four end up together at the bar where they eventually decide to make a break for Chicago (at his TV studio, Luke saw a broadcast from a survivor there). The problem? Darkness is now alive with amorphous shadows that slither and creep and wait for you to let your guard down. Oh, one other wrinkle...batteries drain super fast and, inexplicably, the sun now shines for mere hours a day. Still, they give it a go with decidedly mixed results. OK...let the bitching begin.

There are so many plot holes and lapses of logic I wanted to scream. Look...they're in Detroit. Millions of people live in Detroit, right? We're to believe less than a half dozen of them were near a battery-powered light source or flame when the blackout happened. Not possible. The bar has a backup generator yet the heaps of clothing indicate all patrons were taken by the darkness. How is it that James survived when no one else did? Speaking of the generator...it's in the basement and is not exhausted to the outside and has been running for days. Anyone in that bar would be asphyxiated in a matter of minutes. And the most maddening, most exasperating issue I have with this film is fire. Throughout the whole damn movie we're supposed to be all tense and anxious as the bar's lights flicker and fade and then brighten again as the generator experiences its death throes. These survivors...sorry, morons...are in a building chock full of wooden furniture and gas cans with actual gasoline in them. Instead of creating torches and placing them protectively around the bar, they all sit around staring at the dimming light fixtures with growing dread. I have no sympathy for these people. There's also hundreds of bottles of booze, some strong enough to be ready-made Molotov cocktails. Toward the end, when trapped outside, Luke finally grows a brain and makes a torch. But, and here's my second biggest bitch, why didn't they simply set fire to the cars or the abandoned buildings? Why didn't they scrounge up all solar-powered and Faraday-powered flashlights, not to mention lanterns that burn oil? Grrr.... So frustrating to watch.

Idiocy aside, the other major problem with this film is the darkness itself. In Hell, it's not explained why the sun goes crazy and starts cranking out the heat and UV rays, but we don't really need to know. Here, by not understanding what happens to the vanished, whether they're dead, alive, or otherwise, we aren't as invested emotionally as we could be (and should be). What exactly is the darkness? Dunno? What's living in the darkness? Dunno. Where did it come from? Dunno. How can the sun be affected by it? Dunno. If the sun's affected and electricity is affected, why isn't fire affected? Dunno. And so on, and so forth. I really, really wanted to like this movie and it had promise. Unfortunately, it got lost in the dark.

Breakdown

Acting: Leguizamo is the best of the lot. Too bad he's lying on a pool table muttering for most of the film. Nobody's performance is terrible.
Story: Excellent idea. The script, however, is unbelievably ridiculous.
Direction: Eh. Whether it's decent or not is immaterial for reasons previously explained.
Production Values: Made for $10 million, it's a real Hollywood movie and so looks good, slick even.
Gore/FX: No blood. Lots of CGI shadows and one nose-diving jumbo jet, but nothing terribly impressive.
Scares: Yes, surprisingly. One's very effective.
Ending: Two kids on a horse. I'd explain but...why?
Verdict: Should you see Vanishing on 7th Street? If you have the ability to switch off that portion of your brain that, you know, thinks, then you might be able to tolerate it. Otherwise, you'll just want to throw weighty objects at your television.

Rating: 1 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-01-26T20:11:00.000-06:00

Hell (2011): Post-apocalyptic flick from Germany. No ghosts, zombies, monsters, or aliens as far as the eye can see. Just good old fashioned humans being awful to each other. And yes, there are subtitles and yes, deal with them. Many reviewers of this film make much of the fact that "hell" in German means "bright." Many reviewers also like to use the word "dystopian" to describe it. Many reviewers are pretentious twits that would rather deconstruct minutia than discuss unimportant things like, you know, plot and acting and direction. But hey, that's what I'm here for.

The sun goes nuts, upping temperatures and the UV index to nearly unbearable levels creating hell on earth. Yes, a bright hell on earth. Sigh. Anyway, we follow three survivors in a car heading for the mountains where rumor says rain is finally falling again. Marie (Hannah Herzsprung) and her teenage sister Leonie (Lisa Vicari) hooked up with Phillip (Lars Eidinger). Phillip's kind of a douche but he's the only game in town. Then the mysterious and non-douche Tom (Stipe Erceg) joins the party. The group is ambushed by some folks up to no damn good and Tom and Leonie are taken, thanks in part to Phillip's inaction. Marie goes after them and runs into a nice lady who gives her water and takes her back to her family's farm. As you may imagine, this family is not what you'd call normal. Bat-shit crazy is more on the nose. Why? Well, the nice lady explains to Marie that their livestock are long gone and hey, this up-to-no-damn-good family have to eat something. Eventually, Marie helps Leonie escape and then goes back to find Tom. It's all quite exciting. Phillips meets with a sticky end, though, which is what usually happens to douches in the movies.

Complaints. No science. They even go so far as to show a newspaper with the headline, "SCIENTISTS CLUELESS." Given the story, however, it's not terribly important. Also, every scene where the sun is super-duper bright, we're treated to a high-pitched whine that's like an icepick to the eardrum. All movies do this and I don't understand why. I know the first thing I associate with a sunny day is migraine-inducing whistling. Now, I did like the bit with the birds. Throughout the film, they'd see the occasional bird that seemed to be heading toward higher elevations. Always good to have a symbol of hope in an otherwise crap situation.

Breakdown

Acting: I can't find fault with any performance. Each owns his role and makes you believe.
Story: Post-apocalyptic tales aren't new, but the dark tone and stark realism brought to the fore make this one stand out.
Direction: If it's German horror, you're guaranteed not to suffer from boredom. True here. Crisp and competent.
Production Values: I'm sure the budget wasn't a fortune, yet I can't find any problems. Most scenes were shot outdoors (in Corsica of all places) and are properly depressing.
Gore/FX: Given the subject matter, I was surprised by the dearth of blood. Cannibal flicks usually warrant at least one scene of gratuitous carnage. Nope. Less is more in this case.
Scares: There are a few very tense parts but not what I'd call scary.
Ending: They find where the birds have been going. Nice.
Verdict: Should you see Hell? I agree it's not traditional horror and my not be everyone's cup of tea, yet I do recommend it. (Notice how I didn't use one cheesy "hell" expression like other reviewers? Yeah, if I would have said, "Hell is a hell of a good time!" I would want you to find me and break my fingers with a rolling pin.)

Rating: 3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-01-19T18:19:00.000-06:00

Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood (2008): Zombie flick! And it's straight outta Compton. With a title like that and it being written such as it is on the poster, it's definitely poking a bit of fun at the genre, but it doesn't step over the line into full-on spoof. Very tongue-in-cheek. Both tongue and cheek do, at some point, get chewed off and eaten, though. And here's something I never do; I want to issue a warning at the outset - there are things in this movie that once seen, cannot be un-seen. I mean...wow.

A super-charged solar flare envelops the planet in funky radiation, making fuel no longer combustible and, oh yeah, mutating humans into flesh-eating monsters. Two gangs and two cops are in a lead-shielded medical warehouse having a shootout and therefore not affected. One head gang-banger is G-Dog (Tyshwan Bryant), the other is Dragon (Robert Wu). Lead cop is David (C. Thomas Howell). Doesn't take long for these enemies to join forces against the common zombie foe. A scientist (Gregory Alan Williams) broadcasting a TV signal from his home urges survivors to meet at his house and so the unlikely alliance of cop and crooks battles their way there. Along the way, they're captured by a group of irradiated humans who aren't full zombies but rather psychotic freaks with very disturbing cravings (this is what I warned you about). Two members of the alliance are lost during this encounter. Just thinking about it now as I type makes a little sick in my throat. Anyway, they make it to the scientist's house and, lucky for David, he has a hot daughter (Johanna Watts)...who happens to be a doctor. The plan is to flee to the safety of the scientist's property in the mountains where the radiation killed everyone immediately due to the higher elevation. As you might imagine, the plan doesn't quite go according to plan.

I was so ready to hate this movie I could taste it. C. Thomas Howell and zombies? Come on. But it surprised me. Not only did most of the humor work, but there was honest-to-God character development. I know! I liked the shameless rip-off of lines from other horror movies. Aliens ("Game over, man!) and Jaws ("Smile, you son-of-a-) to name a couple. I also liked that one of the gang-bangers droned on and on about George A. Romeo and his zombie movies. Then another said he'd only seen Shaun of the Dead, which earned an angry retort that Shaun wasn't a real zombie film. Like that. Now, I'm sure you're wondering where vampires fit into all of this. They don't. Early on, one of G-Dog's guys saw a zombie biting someone's neck and started screaming about how it was Nosferatu. Pretty funny, actually, but as he quickly learned, they aren't vampires. Incorporating the word into the title does add extra comedic punch, even if it is a blatant lie.

Breakdown

Acting: Not as bad as I feared, but still...a lot of ham. If you're looking for subtle, layered performances, you'd best look elsewhere.
Story: Some very nice, if not outright sickening, twists on the old standard. You'll have to avoid a boat-load of plot holes, though.
Direction: The action is helmed by someone with the unlikely name of Thunder Levin and it flows fairly well.
Production Values: The film was made for an astronomical $3 million. They didn't spend any on the opening credits, which looks like something you'd see in 80s porn. They also skimped on the space sequence showing the flare hit Earth. Most of the money went towards firepower and heat shots. Works for me. Film, not video, was the medium and sound and lighting didn't suck. The plethora of establishing shots around L.A. nearly became overkill and must have cost a few bucks.
Gore/FX: Jeepers, yes. Like I mentioned earlier...stuff you can't un-see. Let me put it this way, what would happen to folks who got themselves captured by a band of armed nymphomaniac cannibals? They didn't have tea and biscuits, that's for damn sure. Just...ew.
Scares: Nah. I don't think they even tried.
Ending: Nothing fancy, nothing twisty. A plane flying away. I have one complaint here...everyone was fighting to get to the airport to escape to the mountains, right? Many got killed during the struggle. Four made it. The plane is only a four-seater! What the hell would they have done if no one got killed and all ten of them had gotten there alive? Remember what I said about plot holes?
Verdict: Should you see Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood? Check it out for a lark. If you ignore the stupid stuff, it's kind of fun. Oh, and if you have a delicate constitution, you'll need to skip over the whole section where our heroes are captured. Nasty.

Rating: 3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-01-13T18:24:00.000-06:00

Remains (2011): Zombie flick! As you can see from the poster, the action is set in Reno, NV. Now there's two words you don't often see together..."action" and "Reno." I will give them credit for the poker hand, though. Aces and eights is called the "dead man's hand" because that's what Wild Bill Hickok was holding when he was gunned down...in Deadwood, SD. Surely, this attention to detail and tongue-in-cheekiness can only bode well for the film itself. Well...

An accident involving a device designed to rid the world of nuclear weapons (or some such nonsense) turns most of the population into flesh-eating zombies. A few folks in a run-down casino, who are battling their own personal demons, survive. We have Tom (Grant Bowler) the alcoholic blackjack dealer, Tori (Evalena Marie) the self-loathing waitress, Jensen (Miko Hughes) the insecure gay magician, and Victor (Anthony Marks) the self-absorbed opportunist. Tom and Tori have a love/hate thing going on, by the way, and while I normally despise this conceit, it works here. Anyway, after clearing and securing the casino, they settle in to wait for help to arrive. When it doesn't, they attempt to leave on their own, resulting in some unexpected hilarity. Eventually, a group of asshole military commandos led by Ramsey (Lance Reddick) shows up promising rescue. Ramsey's medic daughter Cindy (Tawny Cypress) takes a shine to Tom. Ramsey's guys are hiding something, of course, which leads to an unfortunate confrontation. And another "of course" is the fact that Jensen, the only gay character, gets killed first. Ever notice how horror movies have changed it from the person of color getting killed first to the gay dude? Is this progress? At any rate, in the end, Tori goes psycho, and Tom decides to help Cindy get to Carson City to find her kid.

Some of the things I liked about Remains are the complicated relationships between Tom and Tori and Jensen and Victor. There's actual character development. Unheard of zombie movies. I also liked the vehicle used for the escape...a tiny Smart car. When they can't raise the garage door and decide to ram it, well, you'll have to see it. As for the zombies...they're weird. They're of the fast variety, go into a kind of sleep state at night, and eat not only non-zombies but each other as well. We're never given an explanation regarding how that device created them in the first place. It's not necessary, but just a hint of science would have lent the film a greater degree of realism that would have aided in the suspension of my disbelief. Blah blah blah. There's zombie carnage so I'm good.

Breakdown

Acting: Bowler as Tom reminded me of Nathan Fillion (Castle, Firefly), which is a plus. You really come to dislike Tori, so Marie did her job. Except for Cypress, the army guys are just this side of terrible.
Story: It's what I've said for years - you can't reinvent the zombie flick wheel; all you can do is tweak the formula and make it your own. And they did that here mostly to positive effect. It's been adapted from Steve Niles' graphic novel.
Direction: Colin Theys at the helm knows what he's doing for the most part.
Production Values: They had a $750,000 budget to play with and used it well. It was shot on film, not video. Quality sets and set pieces. Nothing looks or feels cheap. Oddly, they shot it in Connecticut blending in some establishing shots of Reno. It worked. Of course, I've never been to Reno.
Gore/FX: More than an average amount of awesome nastiness but not over the top. The zombie make-up is properly gross. CGI is used sparingly but effectively, mostly for head shots and explosions. Very nice.
Scares: A few mild ones. You will be in no danger of soiling yourself.
Ending: Just the right balance of hope and "oh, crap." What happens to Tori is inspired.
Verdict: Should you see Remains? I recommend it, yes. Although far from perfect, it's a respectable entry in the genre. One tiny beef...the title. Too generic. What about The Biggest Little Zombie Movie in the World? OK, maybe not.

Rating: 3 out of 5

Haunted House Update

2013-01-12T15:55:00.000-06:00

It's not that there hasn't been activity; no, I've just been too damn lazy to write about it. So what's new? Corner of the eye stuff. Both my partner and I will see movement in our peripheral vision. And it's always white. Yeah, I know the cliché...the woman in white. Every ghost hunting TV Show invariably mentions a woman in white lurking about and scaring hell out of folks. I can't say if what we're seeing is a woman, man, child, or even polar bear. It's just movement that shouldn't be there.

The hardwood floors still creak as if someone is walking and yet nobody is there. This seems to always happen at night when I'm sitting here alone. Occasionally, he/she/it will take a step right next to my chair. Yes, I jump but it doesn't really frighten me. I don't sit here shivering with fear. It is what it is.

In my bedroom, I've heard the voices only once in the last few weeks. It happens after I'm in bed and trying to sleep. It sounds like a conversation heard through a closed door. Can't make out what's being said. I usually have to ask them to be quiet so I can sleep, and they usually listen. I really do need to get a digital voice recorder...

My partner has seen full body apparitions, although he was on narcotic painkillers at the time so maybe that should be taken with a grain of salt. I did get a new digital camera and will be sweeping the house with it in an attempt to capture something, anything paranormal. Stay tuned.

Horror Film Review

2013-01-06T17:05:00.000-06:00

The Dead Undead (2010): Look at the movie poster. Now ask me if any part of that awesomeness is actually in the film. I don't understand why movie companies can't be sued for false advertising when they pull this crap, which, ironically, is exactly what this film is...crap. But you may say, it's vampires versus zombies. Surely it can't be a total suckfest. Oh, yes; indeed it can. And don't call me Surely.

It starts as most horror flicks start, with five young men and women stranded in the woods. There's a seemingly abandoned motel and a lake. Within five minutes we have bikini-clad babes frolicking in the scummy lake water. Sigh. Minutes after that, back in their room, the first zombie appears. Four guys and a woman, all para-military types toting heavy weapons and swords show up out of nowhere to save the day. They fail. One of the young women is the only survivor out of the five kids. The rest of the film is nothing but a series of silly firefights and amateurish swordplay. Most of the scenes are like this: a zombie runs at them, we see an entire M-16 clip emptied into it, the shooter complains they're low on ammo, then another zombie and another clip is emptied. I swear it's the most boring thing I've ever seen.

Now for the real silliness. Those para-military guys are actually vampires who, inexplicably, can be turned into zombies as easily as humans. They have no special vampire powers, hence all the guns and explosives. Via painfully dull flashbacks, we're shown how each became a blood sucker. They tried to infuse an element of Highlander into it. Doesn't help. In fact, not to put too fine a point on it, these flashbacks are eye-rollingly bad. As for the zombies...they run and jump and aren't killed by bullets to the head. So not really zombies at all, I guess. How did they become zombies? Dunno. Why are there so many of them in the middle of nowhere? Dunno. Will you care? Hell, no.

Breakdown

Acting: Universally poopy. Here's what I don't understand about actors...usually they go to acting school before trying their hand at practicing the craft, or at the very least, they'll do some summer stock, right? So how, when they're finally cast in a feature film, they suddenly forget how to act? It baffles me.
Story: The same applies to writers. So precious little in this movie makes sense that I'd be willing to wager they just made it up as they went along. Why bother with the kids at all if you kill them off in the first few minutes? Why make the para-military folks vampires if they don't act like vampires? Why call them zombies when they're diseased parkour cannibals? The writers tried to reinvent the wheel and failed spectacularly.
Direction: The same applies to directors. The slow motion shots are painful to watch. The action is disjointed at best, the set pieces pedestrian. No imagination.
Production Values: When I found out what the budget was, my jaw literally dropped in disbelief. Over one million dollars. What the hell did they spend it on? I've reviewed films made for one-tenth that amount that were ten times better. Anyway, they did use film not tape, and its lighting and sound are all right. My guess is that the majority of the budget went to the guns and ammo. Which would be fine if those shoot 'em up scenes weren't so lame.
Gore/FX: There's a fair amount of blood and related viscera. Nothing to get excited about, though. They used CGI for the blood-spraying head shots...and used it badly. They must have run out of money before post-production.
Scares: There is one, actually. Could have knocked me over with a feather.
Ending: Sound idea, poor execution. And they tried to leave it open for a sequel. That took balls.
Verdict: Should you watch The Dead Undead? Masochists may enjoy it. Can't imagine anyone else would. Go watch Stakeland or The Evil Dead instead.

Rating: 1 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2013-01-05T15:09:00.001-06:00

A Haunting in Salem (2011): Direct-to-video, haunted house flick that capitalizes on the popularity of the A Haunting TV show and the feature film The Haunting in Connecticut. Hey, who am I to judge? Have you seen the name of my blog? Unfortunately, AHIS has more serious problems than coattail riding.

You know the history. 17th century Salem, Mass. Women falsely accused of witchcraft and hanged (no, they were not burned at the stake). It was a travesty. And, apparently, those 19 women are still pretty pissed off about it. For the purposes of this film, the women were hanged on the grounds where now stands a truly grand Victorian mansion. It's where sheriffs and their families live and have always lived. Kind of like a church parsonage but creepy. So the film opens with an unseen person drowning a teenage boy in a bathtub, suffocating a woman with a sheet of plastic, and tossing a sheriff out of a second-story window. Flash-forward to new sheriff Wayne Downs (Bill Oberst, Jr.) and his family moving in to said creepy-ass home. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this film will follow the tried and not-always-true haunted house formula we've all seen a million times: each family member experiences paranormal activity, someone goes batshit crazy, someone else researches and learns the truth, and at least one person dies in the final battle with the evil entity. Not so much the case here. This is one of the darkest plot lines I've run across in quite a while, and I think it would have worked OK if a shred of common sense had been used when creating the bad guy (well, bad girls, actually). The annoyed spirits of all 19 hanged women manifesting into one person? Um...nope, can't buy it. My disbelief can be stretched and suspended but it's not taffy. And the filmmakers broke one of my cardinal horror movie rules by killing kids (which is acceptable only in zombie flicks and films made from Stephen King stories).

Because I'm certain you're just dying to know, my other two cardinal rules were not broken. That is to say, the movie was shot on film stock instead of video and the acting isn't embarrassingly cringe-inducing. Case-in-point, Emmy Award-winner Bill Oberst, Jr. plays Sheriff Downs with severe intensity. This gravitas works for the role, but I can't help but think he's simply not enjoying himself very much. As opposed to his pitch-perfect turn as the president in Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, where you can tell he's having the time of his life. (A side note here: Oberst publicly apologized for his performance in AHIS, saying he let horror fans down. This is rubbish. The man is a very good actor and while his Sheriff Wayne may not go down as his greatest performance, it was by no means detrimental to the film. I've reviewed hundreds of horror movies and am the genre's biggest fan so believe me when I say AHIS couldn't have been saved if the sheriff had been played by Jack Nicholson. Apology not accepted, sir.)

One last complaint. The setting for the story is Salem, Massachusetts. I've been to Salem, Massachusetts. This is not Salem, Massachusetts. At one point, I think I saw vineyards in the background. Yeah, it was filmed in California. This isn't a huge deal since most of the important scenes are interiors. It just bothers me that they would try to pass CA off as MA when it's so obvious. Pet peeve. Sorry. Anyway...

Illogical story, location, and dead kids notwithstanding, AHIS isn't a total bust. The positives, and yes, there are a few, will be discussed in the Breakdown.

Breakdown

Acting: To be blunt, no one sucks. Oberst does well, whether he likes it or not. Courtney Abbiati and Jenna Stone as Wayne's wife and daughter, and Nicholas Harsin as son Kyle turn in better performances than a cheap horror flick deserves. I really liked Carey Van Dyke as Deputy Goodwin, although I can't really explain why.
Story: Oh, just all kinds of stupid. Writer H. Perry Horton would have been better served if he'd focused on one angry spirit and then expanded on her history and specific motivation.
Direction: At the helm is Shane Van Dyke who wastes no time getting the action in gear. However, some scenes feel awkward, like the cameras are too close or angled funny. I don't understand the nuts and bolts of movie directing, I admit, yet I do understand how the end result affects my film-going experience. In this case, the direction left me off balance.
Production Values: I don't know how much money they had to play with, but it doesn't feel like a low-budget, B-grade flick. On film, lighting and sound are decent. No real complaints.
Gore/FX: Some blood, no gore to speak of. The make-up used for the dead/undead person possessed by the witches is...effective.
Scares: Yes. There are two that got me and got me good. And as you know, I don't easily get got. Very nice. I think a few drops of pee may have come out...
Ending: Right. Well, it's not happily ever after, that's for damn sure. A little too contrived and more than a little clichéd, but at least it didn't leave me wanting to throw things at my TV. There is that.
Verdict: Should you see A Haunting in Salem? The negatives outweigh the positives, I'm afraid. If you can put up with the silly story, you'll be rewarded with some "gotcha" scares that may have you reaching for a clean pair of underpants.

Rating: 2 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2012-12-30T17:51:00.001-06:00

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012): Yeah, I know. But I read Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, thought it was mostly stupid, and so refuse to see the movie (which I've heard is awful). Therefore, this film seemed like the perfect substitute. I won't lie to you...it's not what you'd call a marvel of cinematic grooviness. It does, however, have one or two redeeming qualities that keeps it from being a total suckfest.

As a child, Abe (Brennen Harper) is forced to decapitate his own mother after a sickness sweeps through their town turning folks into undead cannibals. All zombies are killed, threat eradicated. Or so they thought. Flash forward and as President Lincoln (Bill Oberst, Jr.) is working on his Gettysburg speech, he learns that a secret mission to retake Fort Pulaski in Savannah, GA failed and the only survivor returned with a strange illness. Union forces are days away and time is of the essence, so Abe himself leads a group of 12 newly minted Secret Service agents down to Savannah to assess the situation and, of course, kick zombie ass. As insanely implausible as this may seem, just wait.

The fort is deserted save for three Confederates who are quickly captured and locked up. One of these rebels is a most indignant General Stonewall Jackson (Don McGraw). Another is a young corporal named Pat Garrett (Christopher Marrone). Scouting houses in the nearby town, Abe and his crew happen across a house with some folks holed up in the cellar. One is Abe's first love Mary Owens (Baby Norman). Another is a young boy by the name of Teddy Roosevelt (Canon Kuipers). Everyone hightails it back to the fort where a plan is developed to lure all zombies in (Stonewall Jackson playing the bugle) and then blow them up with the stores of black powder.

As you may imagine, the filmmakers play fast and loose with history. One of the Abe's agents happens to be John Wilkes Booth (Jason Vail) going by the name John Wilkinson. He's a Confederate agent who's infiltrated the Secret Service looking to kill Abe. I don't know if Teddy Roosevelt or Pat Garrett was in Georgia in 1863, but I know Stonewall Jackson was in Virginia dying of pneumonia after having an arm amputated. At one point, Abe is explaining how the zombies react to noise and therefore the need to be quiet. He hands Teddy a shovel handle and tells him to walk softly and carry this big stick. He tells Pat Garrett that he'd excel in a career in law enforcement. And so on.

The biggest shock in Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies is Bill Oberst, Jr. as Lincoln. For two reasons. One, this guy is an Emmy-winning actor who brings his A game to a very silly film and in the end, had me mesmerized. And the second shock is that the makers of a direct-to-video, B-zombie flick convinced a guy like Oberst to take the role. It's baffling.

Breakdown

Acting: Beyond Oberst, who's excellent, the performances range from awful (Vail as Booth) to competent (Marrone as Garrett).
Story: No question it's a shameless rip-off of the vampire hunter story, but come on...it's zombies. You'll need to ignore the plot holes and history fudging, though.
Direction: The film loses its way in the second act, aimlessly wandering around in the land stupid.
Production Values: Here's the thing...it was made for $150,000, so obviously we're talking super-low budget; however, it's on film instead of video and they shot on location in Savannah. It's a real fort, too. What I'm saying is that it looks pretty damn good. Decent sound and lighting as well. Even the few White House scenes aren't bad. Impressive.
Gore/FX: Lots of beheadings and lots of CGI blood splattering about. Not many shots of zombie munching, which is odd. The zombie makeup is acceptable, if not a bit bland. I was surprised at not only the amount of CGI used but also at its effectiveness. Again, impressive.
Scares: No.
Ending: Kind of clever, really. I liked it.
Verdict: Should you see Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies? If you can forgive a silly premise and some bad acting, it's worth a look. Watch it for Oberst's Lincoln if nothing else.

Score: 3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2012-12-01T18:09:00.000-06:00

Dead Season (2012): Zombie flick! There is a caveat here. It's mostly just a rip off of AMC's excellent TV show The Walking Dead and the movie Dawn of the Dead. The original ideas the filmmakers did have are weird and don't work. Nevertheless, I can't help but like it a little. There's a...texture to it I find interesting and oddly alluring.

The world's gone to hell and only a handful of survivors remain, one of whom is Elvis (Scott Peat). This guy looks a little too much like Rick from The Walking Dead, by the way. He's making his way down the east coast to Florida where a buddy has a boat waiting to take him to an island. Elvis hooks up with fellow ham radio enthusiast Tweeter (Marissa Merrill) who has a 10 year-old boy in tow. On the boat, the kid gets bitten and Elvis puts a bullet in his pre-pubescent head. Lovely. The island is run by tough guy Kurt Conrad (James Burns). Elvis and Tweeter are accepted only because they are useful. Elvis is an EMT and Tweeter can fight. Elvis soon discovers what happens to new arrivals who are not useful and even takes part in the...procedure. Well, that jerky had to come from somewhere, I suppose. After fending off a rape attempt, Tweeter decides to leave the island along with Conrad's daughter Rachel (Corsica Wilson) who has been locked up for her own safety for months. Elvis shakes off his new found darkness and joins them in their climactic dash for the boat moored in the harbor. They make it, but where are they going? No idea. Will you care? I didn't.

The first part of this film had promise, that texture I previously mentioned. Then they killed the kid. It wasn't necessary. More than that, it was gratuitous and manipulative. Why? Because nothing that happens later is tied back to it. The cannibalism part was also inserted for simple shock value, but in this case, it at least has some logic behind it since all natural food sources were also affected by what caused the zombie plague. I think they were shooting for realism with this movie. I don't watch movies for realism. Movies are made to escape reality. The evening news is depressing enough.

Breakdown

Acting: Peat is kind of flaky. Merrill is flighty. Wilson is whiny. And Burns is hammy.
Story: A few tweaks to an old standard doesn't work as well as you might think.
Direction: The pre-island parts are engaging. The rest feels like something from the SyFy channel.
Production Values: They were trying for realism and mostly succeeded. I don't have a dollar amount for the budget, but it couldn't have been terribly high. The main filming location was Burbank, CA. That should be a clue.
Gore/FX: Plenty of blood and related gross stuff. If there was CGI, I can't remember it. The zombie make-up is decent.
Scares: Yeah. One. Damn near made me ruin my easy chair.
Ending: Boat leaving a dock. No extra "gotcha" shots as most horror flicks do at the end. Gotta respect that. Although it didn't make me like the ending, which is oddly boring.
Verdict: Should you see Dead Season? I'm torn. I think other horror fans will like it more than I did, so on that basis, I'll recommend it. They shouldn't have killed the kid.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

Haunted House Update

2012-11-25T13:42:00.002-06:00

I've neglected my duties as paranormal reporter. Let's blame the holiday. So one new thing involves the bathroom shower curtain. I slide it closed after I shower. Always. The other day, after I'd gone to work, David noticed the curtain was open and pulled it closed. He thought it odd I left it open. I didn't. Later, he saw that the curtain he'd pulled closed mere hours earlier now stood halfway open...and that the towel hanging from the towel bar was seriously askew when it had been nicely squared and balanced before. Freaked him out a little.

The night before Thanksgiving, I'm in bed trying to sleep when the voices started up again. Got the bedside lamp on, of course, and a fan running on low for white noise. No TV or radio going, nobody else awake inside or out. I couldn't make out words. It sounded like a muffled conversation coming from behind a closed door. And it didn't let up until I fell asleep. I've heard these voices before but it's been a while. I really need to get a digital voice recorder.

I priced camcorders with night vision capabilities the other day. How do these ghost hunting groups afford this equipment? Holy crap.

Horror Film Review

2012-11-17T23:32:00.000-06:00

Prometheus (2012): Although not billed as such, this is Ridley Scott's prequel to his masterpiece of sci-fi/horror, Alien. It's a big-budget, FX-laden movie that a lot people went to see and a lot of critics liked. I sincerely wish I could count myself among those critics. Heck, even Alien 3 and Alien: Resurrection were better than this bloated mess. A helluva lot better.

The plot goes something like this (get comfy, this is gonna take a while)... Cave paintings dating back 35,000 years are discovered in Scotland and linked to similar symbols found in almost every ancient civilization on earth. The symbols show humanoid-shaped beings gazing up at a specific star pattern. Somehow, it's figured out which planetary system it is and a few years later, a spaceship full of humans shows up on its doorstep. The scientists who did the discovering and figuring are Elizabeth and Charlie (Noomi Rapace and Logan Marshall-Green). The ship is the Prometheus. The whole expedition is funded by super rich and super old Peter Weyland (an unrecognizable Guy Pearce) who, of course, has an agenda other than scientific discovery. His ice-queen daughter Meredith Vickers (Charlize Theron) is in charge of the trip, aided by David the android (Michael Fassbender) whose own agenda isn't in step with anyone else's. Cynical and weary Captain Janek (Idris Elba) lands the Prometheus near what appears to be a non-natural structure. They go in, find the beheaded corpse of a 2000 year-old humanoid alien (they call them the Engineers because they came to Earth and started the human race), a bunch of vase-like containers, and clues that something really bad happened there a long time ago. A massive storm comes, Elizabeth grabs the head, David secretly grabs a vase, and all but two of the team make it back to the ship. The two left behind get lost and stumble upon a snake-like critter that, well, does something really bad to them. It's downhill from there as David schemes to infect Charlie, Weyland schemes to find a way to live forever, and everyone else just tries to stay alive. Eventually, David finds one Engineer still alive but in stasis. Once awakened, instead of a nice reunion and polite conversation, the Engineer attacks the remaining crew members and tries to take off in his ship which if full of those vases that we learn aren't vases but weapons, nasty biological weapons. Yes, I'm sure you've figured out what the "biological" is. We're told his plan is to return to earth and unleash the weapons. Why? Dunno. Anyway, a big sacrifice is made to stop it and one person survives. Well, one and a half, really.

The problems with Prometheus are legion. I'll start with how bland it is. It's not scary like Alien. It's not action-packed like Aliens. It's not stripped down and gritty like Alien 3. It's not as interesting as Alien: Resurrection. It's just...blah. Each character is utterly forgettable, mostly because none is developed to the point where we care about them (for good or ill). In the other films, we identified and sympathized with Ripley, were terrified of the double-jawed alien(s), and despised Paul Reiser's Burke. Those movies, especially the first two, seriously played on our emotions. This prequel...I could have been an android myself for how it affected me. And then there's the script. The whole premise is illogical. A private company shells out a trillion dollars to fund a multi-year voyage ostensibly to meet those who created us, a totally unprovable theory based on ancient graffiti. What's worse, there's no bad guy to hate and wish dead until the very end, but by then, you're only wishing death on anyone responsible for making the film.

Breakdown

Acting: Wooden, stilted, unbelievable performances. Rapace as Elizabeth tries hard but is overwhelmed by her fellow actors' indifference.
Story: It needed a few more rewrites and then polished by someone who understands how sci-fi/horror works.
Direction: While the peerless Ridley Scott is a damn fine filmmaker, this one got away from him. There's no focus, no cohesion. The whole thing felt rushed and unfinished.
Production Values: Well, there was a $130 million budget to play with. The Prometheus interiors are well done (especially the bridge) as are the space and aerial shots. But the underground sets are too dark and one-dimensional. What's lame? The fact that it's the end of the 21st century and all they're carrying for weapons are a couple of pistols and flamethrowers.
Gore/FX: This movie is rated R. Three reasons a movie gets tagged R: sex, gore, or language. No steamy sex scenes, they say "fuck" only a handful of times, and I've seen worse gore on the TV show The Walking Dead. The FX, on the other hand, are quite good. As they should be if you've $130 million to spread around.
Scares: Oh, they make a half-hearted attempt a few times...and failed.
Ending: Would you believe the door's left open for a sequel to the prequel? As for the actual ending scenes...they tried to cram all of the action into the final ten minutes. It doesn't work. And the final bit with Elizabeth talking and the thing with David is just plain silly.
Verdict: Should you see Prometheus? If all you want out of a film is cool CGI, then sure, go ahead. Otherwise, go watch any of the other Alien films instead.

Rating: 2 out of 5

Horror Film Review

2012-11-11T01:50:00.000-06:00

Apartment 143 (2011): My extreme disdain for the Paranormal Activity films is no secret. They are, to use a most unpolitically correct term, retarded. I'm told this type of horror subgenre is "found footage." I use mockumentary. Whatever. The point is, Apartment 143 is of that subgenre. It is, however, not retarded. Why? Layering. Video cameras are set up and you assume you're going to witness some crazy ghost shit that will ultimately end in death for the morons who decided recording the evil entity in their home was an awesome idea. Er, no. Well, cameras are set up, yes, though not for reasons you may expect. Maybe I should explain...

Unemployed widower Alan White (Kai Lennox) calls in a group of paranormal investigators when the odd doings in his apartment get to be too much. These aren't ghost hunters, mind you. They're parapsychologists seeking to prove there is no haunting but rather a scientific explanation for the weirdness, specifically, something called Poltergeist Syndrome in which a person's intense emotional distress manifests as psychokinesis. This group of three consists of Dr. Helzer (Michael O'Keefe) and his two younger assistants Ellen (Fiona Glascott) and Rick (Paul Ortega). White's kids are moody teenager Caitlin (Gia Mantegna) and her much younger brother Benny (Damian Roman). Their sainted mom, Cynthia (Laura Martuscelli), died in a single-person car accident months earlier. Alan moved the kids from the family home to the apartment because of strange activity. It seems to have followed them.

All manner of scientific instruments are utilized during the days-long investigation and all manner of bizarre incidents are documented. The aloof and unflappable Dr. Helzer is certain no spirits are behind these incidents despite evidence to the contrary. His theory? Caitlin, who blames her dad for her mom's death, is projecting her anger and guilt and causing the trouble. At first, you just know Helzer's asking for it by not believing, but then, after we learn the truth about Cynthia and what really happened, you're not so sure. Like I said...layers. Lots of psychology going on in this messed up family. Eventually, Caitlin goes a bit nuclear and there's a struggle to save her. The question is, is it a struggle to save her mind or her soul?

I'm going to do a spoiler thing now just because I think it's pretty cool. No one dies. Which proves it's possible to make one of these "found footage" flicks without fatalities and have it not make you want to hunt down the filmmakers and beat them senseless with a croquet mallet.

Breakdown

Acting: No performance is less than decent. Mantegna as Caitlin is kind of annoying, though.
Story: I like the layers and being kept guessing what's really causing the odd doings.
Direction: Stripped down, lean movie making. No filler, nothing extra. Lots of fixed camera angles so lots of edits which makes for quicker action.
Production Values: Obviously low budget but that works in its favor. The apartment is supposed to be cheap and not so nice. The video quality varies greatly yet that's by design and actually heightens the suspense. To achieve this, however, sound quality is sacrificed.
Gore/FX: No blood. The ghost effects are believable and well done. Properly creepy.
Scares: You betcha. At least three really good ones. And one of these might cause some minor bladder leakage. Just so you know.
Ending: Ah, here's where we run into a problem. The very, very last shot is a total rip off of Paranormal Activity, which makes me sad because it was so avoidable. The second to last shot was a perfect ending shot. Tell you what, when the camera starts to automatically pan up towards the ceiling, just stop the movie. Trust me.
Verdict: Should you see Apartment 143? It's not a great movie but it's all right. Better than 90% of the other "found footage" flotsam floating around out there, anyway. Give it a go.

Rating: 3 out of 5