In This Season

Whose Divorce is it ANYWAY?

2011-12-25T17:35:00.000-08:00

This blog has been niggling at the edge of my mind since the beginning of the month. On Dec 7^th we had the hearing for my estranged husband’s 2^nd bifurcation motion. He was a no show (again) so it was an expensive non-event. The motion was denied without prejudice.

The next day I received a copy of my attorney’s letter to my spouse’s attorney. Standard follow up to the previous day’s proceedings, however, the last line left me feeling unsettled in my soul. The last sentence read “….so we may try to move the case forward.”

Pretty innocuous, right? However, the reference to the ‘case’ reminded me of how the humanity of the spouses is eliminated from the process. It’s just a ‘case’ where both attorneys seeking to win (even completely trounce) the opposition. Gladiators at battle in the conference and court room. And when it is over – they move on to the next case with scarcely a look back at the collateral damage –the collateral damage being the lives of the spouses living in the aftermath. It also made me very aware that my spouse and I are simply reduced to litigants with short-term relevance to our attorneys. Their own lives unchanged lives by the signing of our decree. Even more odd, the attorneys are positioned by their role in the divorce to ‘judge’ your marriage and the other spouse – someone they do not know and in many cases have never met other than under these circumstances. Supporting the dehumanization of the spouses.

I am also struck by the idea that the court or attorneys are tasked to “Move it along”….if

the spouses are stuck and not moving forward and it is neither a legal or tactical problem….what’s the point of the attorneys moving it along? They do not in most cases have the needed skillset to help the stuck spouses move of their own accord. I give credit to the mediators we started out with – they recognized that neither of us were emotionally ready or committed to completing the divorce – so after 2 sessions THEY dropped us as clients. Their team included a lawyer and an MFT. The goal was to facilitate an amicable and fair dissolution of our marriage. Divorce does not settle a fight – it facilitates permanent avoidance and launches another fight.

Now I have been very clear with my attorney that his role is advisor, and that he is no way authorized to pursue or encourage an adversarial relationship with my estranged spouse or my spouse’s attorney. I am sure I frustrate him a bit, but I am committed to no one but my estranged spouse and I making the decisions about the dissolution of our marriage. Because at the end of the day – the only people living with the life-long effect of the divorce are the spouses and their children.

If you know me you know that I am perfectly capable of speaking up and standing up for myself. I engaged an attorney because I am not a subject matter expert on family law. But not for one minute did I or do I plan to abdicate my responsibility for working through this in the manner that is healthiest and financially sane for me. I will not get caught up by all the chatter or false fight energy that seems to spring up and out once the word divorce is uttered.

It's Still The Wrong Question....

2011-10-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

I spoke to someone today who said "you have to accept that he wants a divorce." I paused to straighten my face because after 6 years of hearing that (and mostly not from him by now) accompanied by absolutely nothing realistic happening toward a divorce - all I can do is laugh and shake my head. And what does this person think I have done or could do to prevent it? If he WANTED one - he would have gotten one.

My dad used to say 'People in hell WANT ice water' - ridiculous - they want it but are without the wherewithal to get it because of the circumstances they chose for themselves.
And at the end of the day - it's never been about me or our marriage. It wasn't then and it isn't now.

It becomes clearer and clearer to me at least that there is much external at work to make this happen. Very unfortunate and pretty ungodly. And after all this time that question has been answered - whether it was asked or not - the response is clearly nothing more than what we have now.

The question should not be about the divorce. It never should have been. It should have ALWAYS been about the desired, hoped for, planned expected future. Clarity, commitment or real vision for the future will propel you forward no matter what else is transpiring. Without that sort of motivation you can very easily slip into simply maintaining the status quo.

So the question is "What do you want your future to look like?" That was the approach I took and it has allowed me to move forward so that when all things are resolved I AM already where I want to be or at least on the road to it.

2011-10-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

An interesting question from Pastor Byron MacDonald: "Are you standing in the way of someone's encounter with God?"

This made me think of a few people who say they were just being supportive. I wonder if they recognize the desire for their own priorities in their offered support. Was there ever a time to step back and really looking at the consequences they were encouraging with their support? Maybe the happiness they were encouraging was not what God had planned for the person to get from the circumstances they were in. And if the support offered sanctioned and encouraged morally offensive behavior - then the answer is clear the only support was for their own agenda.

It's time to take the sex appeal out of adultery.

2011-10-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

It's time to take the sex appeal out of adultery. Referring to adultery as a ‘love triangle’ allows it to be excused/romanticized as the unfortunate fate of star-crossed lovers. The reality is that love seldom if ever has anything to do with it.

They say a picture is worth 1000 words, so rather than continue trying to find words that are not tinged with my feelings about my experience with the subject, here's the picture:

Faithfulness

2011-10-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

The other day, someone commented to me that they respected the faithfulness I had to my husband in this season of estrangement and conflict. And I thought with a chuckle, "That's what you think I'm being faithful to?" It's actually much simpler than that - I simply being faithful and respectful to MY own values, he has far less to do with my choices. It has to do with how I see myself as a person more than what I expect from my husband in the future.

It must be a hard concept for some - the idea that until you are faithful to yourself you can be faithful to no one else. That also implies that you have the maturity to know what you value and have enough self-control to practice the standard of conduct that is consistent with your values.

I respect my values and the beliefs that they are founded upon. Therefore, acting in accordance with them, although some times challenging, is the goal. It is about living an authentic and truthful life. If you have values that you are not comfortable espousing or living something is out of whack - your beliefs or behavior. The work of life involves bringing those things into harmonious alignment.

And the Wife Said….”Seek God, Seek Counseling, Find a hobby that you enjoy.”

2011-07-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't written for this blog in quite some time, I have been fairly busy. Life has been unfolding in miraculous and fabulous ways. I have had so many blessings in this season I cannot count them. So while it may seem that the ongoing drama of marital strife should have colored my days with nothing but sadness and pain, God gave to me an opportunity to grow closer to him and more free time to be of service to others.

It sounds crazy to say that it has been very near 6 years since this madness started. Yet in August 2011, it will be 6 years since I moved out of the home that I shared with my husband. And still we are not divorced nor are we successfully separated and moving toward divorce or reconciliation.

For my part, I determined long ago that my priority was honoring my own values and protecting my financial interests. I have sought legal remedy with great expense and little success. At some point I concluded, that dragging a man through a divorce was no more likely than dragging one to the altar. So I turned my energy and interest to living the best life that I could make for myself and allowing God to have his way in my marriage and my husband's life.

And I guess that's where I pick up this blog. I recall my response to my husband when he informed me that he was unhappy. Of course, I asked the standard question ‘What is making you unhappy?” I had a sincere desire to know. Because clearly, if there were things in my behavior that were making our home contentious and unproductive I was willing to confront them directly and make appropriate corrections since my objective was a happy and peaceful home. It turns out it was not my cooking, my housekeeping, my attitude and availability for sex, personal hygiene, my financial habits nor work ethic. His response was more general malaise. It's very difficult to solve a nonspecific problem so my response was simple I said "Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy."

In 6 years, that's 2160 days, we have not been able to find a way of successfully resolving these circumstances. But my most interesting observation of late is to note that over the years my husband rationale for ending our marriage has gone from “I'm just not happy” to:

I ended our marriage because I couldn't stand to be married to you Debra because you're horrible (translation à it’s your fault I could not honor MY vows)

I can't divorce you because Debra your horrible and crazy (translation there is something wrong with you because you will not agree to let ME screw you over financially – lol)

I'm going to ignore you and pretend the situation doesn't exist because Debra you're horrible (translation –- I am still having a good time with my mistress and she doesn’t care that I am still married, so I don’t have to clean up my mess)

I almost have to chuckle at the revisionist rationalization of it all. And my response today is the same as it was 6 years ago “Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy.”

Now of course in the 6 years my estranged spouse has had his cheerleaders and fans that from their own self-interests have supported and encouraged his behavior. These range from the mistress (holding on to be next) to friends simply entertained by the drama of it all. These consorts knowingly or unintentionally have indulged and supported him in leaving his marital circumstances unresolved.

The mistress seems oblivious or unwilling to recognize that what keeps him from completing his divorce is her consistent availability. Yep she’s been around 6 years or longer – talk about determination and dedication to a cause (but that’s another blog). If my estranged spouse had to establish his romantic market value (RMV) as a truly single man to have female companionship it is likely that he would have completed our divorce. Instead of helping a man to stand and take care of real business, the mistress' invitation to “Come lay up in my love hangover” helps him avoid resolution. She’s her own worst enemy. It reminds me of the kind of mom who let you go outside to play while your room is still dirty while she ignores your mess and responsibility for cleaning it up. It also reminds me of the difference between WOMEN and mere females.

And my response today is the same as it was 6 years ago ‘Seek God, Seek counseling, find a hobby that you enjoy”. And of course, clean up your mess.

It is time to get really 'REAL'

2009-12-29T11:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't published much to my blog lately. The drama factor is old. Today I am just sharing to articles that I came across separately that I thought should have been published together. The destruction of families has produced such ills and destruction in our society. Anyway, so as to not start on my dissertation, here are the 2 articles:

This was a very interesting article. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/25/AR2009122501440.html

I think this article should be handed to every person before they even consider in engaging with a married or separated person. It's called "Keep a Tiger Out of YOUR Tank'

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-goulston-md/just-listen----keep-a-tig_b_402102.html

(and for those who don't want to follow the link - the condensed version:
10 Reasons Not to Date a Married Man
a.k.a He'll NEVER stay that into you
There are no positive reasons for dating a married man. Even the good reasons don't stand the test of time and turn out to be bad ideas in good ideas' clothing. If you find yourself on the brink of temptation, look at these 10 truths before you leap:
1. He won't commit to a future with you. A man who is in a very unhappy or unsatisfying marriage can feel swept away by how wonderful you make him feel. He may even blurt out, "I've never felt this way before and I can see spending the rest of my life with you." This may sound like a commitment to a future with you. It's not. Don't confuse his loving the way you make him feel with his loving you and making a commitment to you.
2. Cheating on his wife tells you how he deals with any situation he doesn't like. You are evidence of his avoiding dealing with unpleasant situations head on. This means that he's likely to resort to some devious behavior with you if the two of you encounter relationship problems.
3. Hiding is exhausting. Having to keep your relationship a secret can attack your self-esteem and cause you to miss out on one of the wonderful aspects of a relationship. Walking together freely and radiantly through the world can fill you with the glow of being with someone who is proud to be with you.
4. He's got his cake and is eating it, too. He has a legitimate married relationship that helps his public persona and he has an illegitimate one with you to make up for what he's missing in his marriage. As appreciative as he sounds, many women who are involved with married men come to resent his having the best of both worlds, when she has the least.
5. Can you love someone who is so disrespectful of his wife? The existence of your relationship with a married man tells you how little he respects his wife by lying to her instead of being a man and telling her he wants out.
6. Lose his respect and it's over. Even though he's the one who pursued you. Even though he's the one that made it difficult to say "No." And even though he tells you how wonderful you are. At some level, he's going to have trouble respecting you for settling for such a flawed relationship. Like the Groucho Marx joke, "He may not want to be of a relationship that would have him as a partner."
7. You're not a home wrecker, just an accomplice. Like it or not, you are a willing participant in a man violating his vows and betraying the trust of his wife -- not to mention grossly disappointing his children and making it difficult for them to see him as a role model.
8. You're kidding yourself. Despite his reassuring you how much you mean to him, his not ending his relationship with his wife in an above-board and respectful way -- and not beginning a legitimate relationship with you -- are actions that speak louder than words.
9. Beware the guilt boomerang. Many men (and women) have difficulty accepting full responsibility for their deceitful actions. Human nature finds it easier to blame than to accept shame. If he is caught by his wife or conscience, don't be surprised if he tries to blame you and get you to take the fall.
10. Time is too precious to waste. Ever notice how quickly the years go as you get older? Because it's convenient and comfortable, a relationship with a married man can go on for a long time -- and before you know it, eat up the precious time you might have had in a healthy relationship with a chance of flourishing. When people who have been involved with married men finally move on, they often regret having wasted the time in a dead-end affair.

Refinement

2009-11-24T23:27:00.000-08:00

I came across many Bibles as we were cleaning out my dad' s house. The article below fell out of one of them. It was very yellowed and crumpled, but someone obviously thought it was worth saving. So I stopped my packing for a moment and read it. I was very touched by the message and it made me think of how we are so conditioned to believe that life is supposed to be one joyous ride with never a trial. As I finished the article I realized, some of our most important lessons come from the things that cut us to the core.

Of course, it was just a clipping with no reference to the author or paper from which it was taken. I searched the web to see if I could find me article so that I would have the appropriate references. I have reproduced the article below from the clipping.

The Sermonette-- The Price Of Pure Gold

"... when he had tried me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10)

No one likes to be tried, tempted, punished, corrected, forced to endure hardship or obliged to struggle very hard mentally or physical in order to survive. We all prefer the easy life, shielded from pain, suffering, hardship and effort of all kinds.

Refining processes leading to perfection are severe. Fire, high temperatures, strong acids, beating, rolling and mixing in various combinations and degrees are necessary in the refining of metals.

But when the crude ores are subjected to the necessary degree of heat the proper acids, sufficient rolling and beating and finally mixed with various alloys-a highly refined and desirable product is the result.

Job perceived that something similar was necessary to transform human personality in the rough, to a degree of refinement and development that might be compared to gold. Metallic ores are not attractive. They are dirty, heavy, crumbly and of little value until after they have undergone the long, complicated process of refinement until, finally, the pure gold or the stainless steel emerges from the unattractive mass. Job developed the insight to see that we all begin life as crude ore and require the fire, the heat, the acid, the beating and the rolling one encounters in life in order that we might eventually "come forth as gold."

Unless one habitually uses his muscles to the point of becoming tired and uncomfortable, he will not develop great strength. Unless he repeats the same movements over and over and learns to endure endless boredom, he will not develop desirable manual and technical skills. It is hard work to think. Most of us avoid it as far as possible. Nevertheless, if we do not think and think hard and continually and to the point of great discomfort, we will not develop much capacity for thinking.

We do not like to undergo hardships but there is no other way to develop strength. We are annoyed when we have to solve problems and bear responsibility but self-reliance and capacity can be attained no other way. We do not like to withstand temptation; it is much easier to yield. But character and integrity are the fruits that ripen slowly on the tree of steadfast self-control.

We are no stronger than the temptations we have overcome; no more self-reliant than the problems we have solved and difficulties we have surmounted. Our skills and never exceed the effort we have put forth to acquire them. Our insights are not greater than efforts we have made to gain them and the imagination we have developed by the steady and continual use of our mind. Our spiritual development is measured by the amount of time we spend reading the scriptures, studying devotional literature and worshiping God.

As gold emerges from the fire and acid, so excellence of character emerges when one refuses to be crushed by the temptations, storms and hardships of life, but seizes, and even welcomes them as the necessary processes through which he must pass in order to bring forth the best there is in him.

One man falls when temptation confronts him while another resists and strengthens his character. One man gives up when accident, illness or misfortune assails, but another mobilizes his determination, his mental and physical resources and, with great effort and persistence, overcomes the obstacle.

We do not like such experiences but we would be pusillanimous weaklings without them.

To fulfill a reasonable portion of one's potential, one must strive mightily, just as one must exert himself in patient toil to gain the summit of a mountain.

Then, welcomed each rebuff
That turns earth smoothness rough
Each sting that bids nor sit nor stand but go!
Be our joys three-parts pain!
Strive, and hold cheap the strain;
Learn, nor account the pang; dare,
Never grudge the throe!

Robert Browning-Rabbi Ben Ezra Stanza 6

I suppose it is a call....

2009-07-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

Over the last 3 years, I have had many people comment on patience and love for my spouse based on enduring and perseveringin this season of our lives. I have said that my commitment is for our mutual best interest. At times, I have sought to articulate my understanding of my call and my willingness to stand in my convictions. The other day I read this in a book by Gary Thomas:

“…..The most important place you can ever move your husband toward is God. When you consider the eternal benefits and your husband’s spiritual health, nothing else comes close. It’s not an easy battle, nor is there a guaranteed victory – but in the end, it’s a fight worth fighting.”

I don’t think anyone ever told me this explicitly…but I am certain it was modeled for me by the important women in my life. My hope is always that my husband would allow God to guide our marriage and if that failed that at least He would be mutually present in our divorce. To date I have not seen it happen – I can only take on faith that God is a work behind the scenes.

Divorce is an unfortunate thing but it need not be characterized by continuing discord, anger and selfishness. It should be like dividing up a bag of marbles – you place ALL the marbles on the table and proceed. One for you, one for me until it’s all divided up. Depending on the item – it may even be reasonable to say one for you, two for me - until it balances out. There are lots of qualified counselors and lawyers to help with process. And if everyone can come to the table with an understanding that the edifice of the marriage will be dismantled it should be do-able. A spirit of resolution (if not reconciliation) must reign. Must be allowed to reign. There are no winners in this…..

It ‘feels’ awful to have someone take unjustly from you what you have worked for – as if you were only working for their benefit. What foolishness. We worked together to achieve – it was not one-sided then and it should not be one-sided now. And if the effort of building home is so trivial – then relinquish the artifacts of the work. I have never said it was trivial and would not expect someone else to involuntarily forfeit the fruits of their labor. Divorce without settlement is petty and ridiculous. Truly, it is a hurtful and insulting thing.

Mockery

2009-07-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

These are interesting times to say the least. My entries on this blog has been about my observations about God's hand and handi-work in this season of my life. It is fast approaching the 3rd anniversary of my separation from my spouse. I have thought about how the choices of the heart can cause one to mock God and marriage. I am learning how that same spirit of confusion and disobedience can lead a person to mock divorce and the courts as well. (After being separated this long bifurcation is a ridiculous option - it is a marital status only resolution - they declare you single while you must continue to work through settlement with an ex-spouse. There is no point - cut all ties at once.)

I do believe, divorce while a painful process can be simple enough. However, like marriage emotional maturity is required. I have said since day 1 - that I would be likely to cry all the way through the proceeding but that I would comply and continue to stand in my values through the process. My position has not changed. I am committed to fairness and wish to seek no inequitable redress for a breached commitment.

I am finding that a spirit of humility and forgiveness - is healing and makes what could be overwhelmingly sad bearable. I am also finding that as a woman - being business savvy is a blessing. Feeling based decisions are seldom in your financial best interest. The statistics show that women are more financially harmed in that it takes them longer to recover financially from a divorce. With that in mind - I would advise women cry if you must, endure the pain but seek and stand firm for an equitable settlement.

As I say God always has a plan. I am beginning to be able to see meaningful purpose coming out of this season. Stay tuned :)

2009-05-19T20:15:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I am in a goofy mood and these are just my musings.....

How come when a stranger steals from you there is outrage - everybody wants the law to prosecute them and send them to jail but when your spouse or some person you may know steals from you - the advice is forgive them, walk away, it's only stuff, you can get more.... hmmm does familiarity or association make a difference? does it change the nature of theft or the thief? hmmm... I wonder......

Some times you just have to say 'Thank You'

2008-12-27T23:34:00.000-08:00

Last night I was a little restless and could not sleep and to clear my mind I decided to focus on what I was grateful on ‘this’ day.

Thank you God for keeping me safe.

Thank you God for preserving my peace of mind.

Thank you God for preventing bitterness from taking root in my heart.

Thank you God for giving me grace.

Thank you God for giving me clarity of thought.

Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to learn patience and trust in YOU through faith.

Thank you God for maturing my spirit to extend forgiveness and accept being forgiven.

Thank you God for each new day.

Merry Christmas 2008

2008-12-25T13:47:00.000-08:00

It’s year 3 of the marital madness and on this Christmas day I say “Praise God – I am still standing! And happy and healthy.” My happiness and joy are not circumstance dependent J Thank God I learned that lesson years ago.

It has been a year of growth and change, but no resolution of the marital stuff. I am feeling well and told I am looking well. I am looking forward to more positive changes in 2009. Fabulous!! Who could ask for more? I still get asked “Shouldn’t you force things? –you deserve better” or my other favorite “You deserve some happiness too.”

I find it funny that people so quickly assume that all happiness is dependent on an intimate relationship. If you follow that train of thought every single person must be miserable (lol – it’s ludicrous). Besides I believe the new trend is ‘serial hooking up’ and not even dating, so am I being encouraged to jump on that train….I hope not I still believe in marriage and real intimacy.

The other thing is I still tell my husband he has my full support in achieving what he wants for himself. Of course, I have learned you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. And what makes people assume he’s happier than I am???? Because he has resumed his life as single man? That would be odd…all the studies say married men live longer. Stand us side-by-side and you judge. I am not convinced it’s all he thought it would be…although some appearances can be deceiving

We’ve both been laid off recently so the cost of a divorce has just gone up (actually our resources have gone down) – 2 years ago it would have been more profitable. We had jobs and our real estate had better value. What a mess – this is why I blog.

In the meantime, I pray for us all. I am still certain God has a plan and is taking me (and most likely Steven too) somewhere with this madness. I am not sure where we will end up but I am 100% certain that in the end God will get the glory.

Glad Tidings to you all J

Follow and Then Follow Some More

2008-03-30T22:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been hurt so deeply that you can’t even cry? I find myself surprised that I cannot muster the tears that most would believe my situation warrants. The drama. The pain. The prolonged non-resolution…..

You know you think by the time you are 40-something God has set you on a path and in your mature wisdom you have agreed to follow it. AND then in the midst - ‘stuff’ you never expected or foresaw show up in your life. If you are lucky – it is unexpected success and joy. If you are really lucky – it is challenge and pain and the realization that there is NOTHING greater than God in your life. In spite of it all – I never cease to remember that God has a plan for my life and that HE is going somewhere (God only knows where J) but some where with this chaos and madness.

My spouse and I are 3 years into this sad drama and no closer to resolution than we were when I moved out 18 months ago. I have gotten very comfortable in my new life without him so reconciliation seems unrealistic and he has not appropriately followed through on the dissolution (it is after all about masculine leadership in the family – for me anyway). So we live in a gray area – I have resumed wearing my wedding ring as a reminder that marriage is sacred and until it is resolved legally and spiritually by my spouse - we are bound no matter how sad the state of our bondage. Recently, I found myself trying to explain to a friend with a secular understanding of marriage why I have not “forced” the dissolution (truthfully it’s not possible), but mid-sentence I realized I was explaining a sacred relationship to someone with only a worldly/popular understanding of marriage. So I shut-up – there is no need to explain – God’s Will –will be done.

The joy – God is forever giving us sign posts – we just have to pay attention so we can recognize that we have not been forsaken by HIM. For me, this week it was Myles, Risa, and Lloyd. Myles, dear beloved Myles (he’s a little older and wiser – praise God for a godly surrendered man) Myles shared with me that while your 40’s FEEL great – God will test you to see if you really understand surrender. And that you can and will follow HIS word in the face of your fears. Bless you Myles!! Risa, my darling Risa Mae (surprising how many people still believe Mae is her middle name - it’s a name I stuck her with because of her genuine southern warmth and authenticity). This week she shared with me how her prayer life is blossoming – literally on fire. She prayed for me. I have no rent money this month – yet her words of comfort and faith calmed my soul and stilled my racing mind enough for me to focus on the billable work I do have – we prayed via instant messenger – after 20 years of friendship we use the tools at hand J AND Pastor Lloyd Harrison – Oh my soul!! Lloyd is a family friend – always around Uncle Booney and my recently deceased Aunt Erine’s (Edwina – we always had her name wrong) kids. He’s a senior pastor at Willow Street Church of God It was visitors’ day at the church today so I went with my Uncle and Cousins. What a message – “The Cure for Carnality” First let me say I say I was tickled pink (almost fuchsia) by what a dynamic speaker he is – then the message was so appropriate for the week I have had and where I am in my marital strife. His sermon was about relationships and the friends who really love you and stand by you through the good and bad. It was also about discernment – an uncomfortable concept – if you don’t want to confront the depth or quality of your relationships. Thank You Pastor Lloyd. His message focused on Proverbs Chapter 13:20-21 with some excursions to Corinthians and Galatians. I say “Buy the Tape” What a message – Lloyd thank you for sharing and being “authentic”.

OK – back to seeking income. Still the good news is I know where I stand and I can stand there unafraid. Notice I did not say without anxiety – my flesh will always respond to anxiety – its natural. Some moments – I am out of my mind with anxiety. I go to ground in prayer. My heart and relationship with God with remind to tell my flesh to be still – while I turn to God for real, lasting answers.

Prayer for an Amicable Divorce

2008-02-14T22:51:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

Eight years ago you joined us in love and commitment

Today we stand before you having failed to live a married life of love and service to you and each other

Unable to jointly see any way back to fulfilling the pledges we made to you and each other

We now seek your forgiveness and mercy as we tear asunder what you joined together

Our disobedience is painful, our hearts are broken, our minds in turmoil

Calm our hearts and clear our thoughts when the destructive forces make us behave hatefully toward each – grant us a spirit of Christian reconciliation so that we can move forward in our actions in a way that recognizes your power to heal and bring peace.

I wrote this almost 2 years ago....while I was still living in the house with my husband. At the time I knew we were in crisis, but I was unaware of the magnitude of the destructive choices and forces that were impacting my life and my marriage. I wrote this prayer because his whole thing was "let's have an amicable divorce." Yet there was belligerence and hostility from both sides. My hostility mostly from a sense of betrayal and disappointment. His from.......I have my own ideas but I'll let him say if and when he is able to articulate the reasons for his hostility and anger. Two years later, I am calmer and healthier, still not divorced but clearly standing in my own values which gives me a certain amount of peace and contentment. I assume that he is also standing in his own values - at some point he will follow through on his desire to end our marriage.I am still waiting for amicable and fair. I hope to see my spouse's plans completed with my values intact and uncompromised.

Ps 27:14
Wait on the Lord : be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.KJV

It's Not Trivial

2008-01-13T22:05:00.000-08:00

Most of the time when I write for my blog, I am in a very positive space and feeling at peace and optimistic. That is not always the case – this season has turned my life upside down – sometimes the hurt and injustice give me a different voice (BTW- both voices are valid and real).. On occasion, I post to a divorce recovery group – and the following was my response to someone else who has been traumatized by infidelity and divorce:

Ok....this may be a little bit of a rant but my feelings on this subject
are pretty raw. And I think as a society we need to reach a tipping
point where infidelity is not so casually accepted. And it is accepted
or at least tolerated. Maybe a more honest view of the impact of
infidelity will go a long way toward reducing the divorce rate and
strengthening marriage.

There is a difference between stagnating bitterness (which is what we
want to avoid) and minimizing the destruction that came into our lives
because of not only our spouse's selfishness but because they found
someone equally selfish to complete their act of betrayal. I think ...
in all of our christian goodness we seek to be forgiving of the
adulterers who created painful situations in our life. Be nice, don't
be angry - I say feel what you feel. (You don't have to act on it, but
if you need to feel angry feel angry). No voodoo dolls and such but
acknowledging that your life plan was altered without your consent -
that's just truth. I also think there is a difference between a foolish
one night stand (ok - even a few weeks) and building what you expect to be
a lasting relationship with someone who is unavailable (if the person is
married - they are unavailable).

And it is certainly wise to say don't focus on 'them'. However, I think
there needs to be some REAL acknowledgment that the cheating spouse and
their companion committed a serious violation. This is not to say -
that the people we speak of should be punished but certainly the call is
for some 'movement' (stigma) to be associated so that an effective
deterrent exists. The destruction wrought by their "friendship" "love" "lust" or
whatever they choose to call it is real and the impact goes beyond - it is not trivial. You
cannot pretend it did not happen or that it was not a significant
contribution to the demise of your marriage.

Becki, I understand how you feel. I think it is offensive for them to
pretend that the life they share now was not borne out of betrayal and
deceit. I could at least respect someone who says "Yes my husband and I
are better people now, but once upon a time... " In my case, the skank
misunderstood our current marital crisis as an indication that our
marriage was over and it was therefore "not wrong" to be my husband's
close friend. Of course, on some level she knew she was wrong - hence
she kept their relationship secret from EVERYONE, not one of her close friends knew how
frequently or too what extent she was in contact with my husband.

I told my spouse recently - that he made the mistake of getting involved
with a woman who wanted my life - and in getting involved with her I
guess he was trying to give my life to her. Unfortunately, for both of
them - my life was not his to give (at least not for free). It is my
life past and present. I am doing good things with my present and
expect to be financially compensated for my past (and stolen future -
retirement funds, vacation weeks, etc). They are free to have whatever
life they can build together but it will not be built on my back.

My hope that stories like ours are shared honestly with young people -
so they have the option of making better choices. I was always told
married men/women were off limits - at this point I know that tidbit of
information was not passed on to everyone. Ed Young also has a really good series on this topic.

A Happy Heart & A Contented Soul

2007-12-10T00:27:00.000-08:00

I am a woman with a happy heart and a contented soul. I wake each day and my first coherent thought is "dear Lord. Thank you for your mercies. I am happy, healthy and whole." Things are not resolved; in fact, they are still pretty volatile. Finances are increasingly strained and our obligations weigh heavily on us. We like most married couples have what have what I call "dual income debt."-this means that 2 incomes and a single household are required to effectively service the debt. What stress! Still faith and hardwork will prevail.

It is not inconceivable to me that my spouse believes he married the wrong woman. Perhaps he did, but given how our relationship came to be... I'm certain that's not true. Of course, that’s my opinion as the woman he met at the altar and has been with for over a decade. I find the kind of duplicity that would allow for all of that to be a lie - extremely frightening. Without a third-party, who knows or can ever know how the crisis in our marriage would have unfolded. Maybe it wouldn't have worked, maybe we would have grown together and resolved the issues that plagued us. Who will ever really know?

One of my angels (a woman showed up in my life as if on appointment from God) told me that you can withstand any thing as long as you stand in your own values. This helps me filter out all the chatter from others about what I should do about the status of my marriage.

Nothing has changed there is still an energy draining anguish that dominates my day when I try to force my husband to proceed with our divorce. On days when I am focused on what is important to me - spending time with people I love, helping clients who appreciate me and taking care of my own physical and mental well-being -my energy feels right. It is the one foot in front of the other in the direction of my goal. I work hard at the activities that will get me where I want to go.

When I pray, I don't pray for a specific outcome. I pray for a willingness to be obedient and to accept with thanksgiving the outcome. As I close my eyes at the end of each day-I thank God for the opportunities, lessons and successes of that day.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

2007-11-22T11:14:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am so grateful for everything. I am grateful for peace and contentment. I am grateful that in the season there is calm in my soul. I am grateful that when I need to cry and be sad – I can. I am grateful that I have wonderful people in my life. I am grateful that my joy is not situation dependent J

Thanksgiving is actually my favorite holiday. I wish everyone well and hope that you spend the day enjoying love and companionship of people you love.

Divorce and “Well-Meaning” Friends

2007-11-06T13:45:00.000-08:00

This was actually not my next planned topic. However in recent weeks, a few things have weighed heavily on my mind. As my spouse and I head into year 2 of our divorce process I frequently get asked, “Why is it taking so long?” I’m not sure I’m the right one to ask. This question is usually followed by some well-meaning person informing me of such things as:

z He doesn’t love you;

z He doesn’t love you anymore;

z He doesn’t want you anymore;

z He has someone else;

z He just doesn’t want to married;

z He doesn’t want to be married to you

z You have to let go and move on

I say well-meaning, because they seem to be oblivious to the fact that I have accepted my husband’s choices. Of course, these comments are usually prefaced with “I know this is hard to hear”. It’s not hard to “hear it” when you have been living it. If I had not accepted my spouse’s choices (regardless of his feelings behind them) – I would probably consider these comments highly insensitive, instead I can see them as well-meaning.

Over the last 2 years, I have worked to lay the foundation for my future without him because that is what he elected. I have not dwelt in the hope of reconciliation nor have I put my life on hold. I have not “jumped” into a new relationship – that would have been foolish – this is a confusing enough time without the stress or burden of building a new relationship before the old one is successfully/effectively dismantled. Of course it seems that to our society “moving on” means finding a new partner or playmate quickly.

I am not certain if there’s a natural tendency to assume that any delay in a divorce is the result of some unwillingness on the part of the respondent (me, my husband is the petitioner) to comply with the requested action. Or maybe there’s a gender stereotype at work here – the woman is always reluctant one.

I don’t think I have been unwilling to confront the brutal realities of my current circumstances. Am I hurt by my husband’s choices? Absolutely. Can I change his choices or beliefs? Absolutely not. Can I choose to trust that God has a plan for my life? Absolutely. I suppose it seems baffling to some, but I do not hate or wish my spouse ill. With God’s grace, in the midst of this, I still have a great deal of empathy for my spouse. I recognize that if this were easy for him our divorce would have been completed months ago. I don’t have to be angry at him to comply with his request for a divorce – my actions need not be fueled by anger or resentment.

Or maybe it is even more confusing that I recognize that in the end the legal aspects of divorce are a business transaction. There is no amount of money that could compensate me for the heartache or time wasted as a result of my spouse’s choices. However, during the course of our 10 plus years together we accomplished some things “together”. The objective of the divorce is to divide those things up in a way that is a respectful and equitable reflection of the work we accomplished “together”.

It is abundantly clear to me that my husband’s feelings and choices are his own. I have also been clear that my spouse’s choices do not dictate whether or not I continue to stand in my values. Divorce is painful, but even more painful is failing yourself. Failing to honor what you believe is painful. Everyday I get to choose who I want to be in these circumstances. I could choose to be chaotic, angry, perhaps completely out of control. I choose not to be in that emotional state. I pray, and I continue to stand gratefully in God’s grace and mercy. I follow through on my end of things, working with an attorney I respect and who respects my values and opinions. My attorney appreciates that my objective is not to punish my spouse for his choices. I work with a Christian counselor to process the emotional trauma of my husband’s choices. I spend time with my family and friends. I have work that I enjoy. I praise God for each new day.

Where is the End of My Rope?

2007-10-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

In this season, I have relied on God and what I believe about God and His will for my life to keep me sane. For several weeks now I have felt compelled to burn the journal I started when my husband informed me that our marriage was over. That was well over 18 months ago and we still can’t seem to manage to get divorced. It may seem that divorce would be a simple thing to accomplish since we seem to be in agreement or at least I am willing to comply with his request for a divorce.

I have grieved the loss, accepted the failure and disappointment. I want to burn the journal because I want to grieve no more.

Although my spouse has asked for a divorce, there has been little initiative or cooperation from him. As I earnestly want to put this behind me and continue with the life I have begun to build for myself, I had to ask myself “where is the end of my rope?” How much longer must I spend in this dark season of my life and what it is I am yet to learn in order to return to happier days?” In this in- between state of not married and not divorced there is a loneliness and frustration -not to mention a spouse who carries on as if he is already single. I figure there must be more to learn because the season persists….

When I asked myself the question: "where is the end of my rope?" I realized I already knew the answer. That if God is my rope - there is no end as long as I have breath. So I thought about this season in my life and God as my rope and the imagery that sprang to my mind looks something like this:

I am holding a rope that stretches forward beyond what my eyes can see. I am kind of pulling myself a long, hand over hand with each step forward. And in the bright light of day the rope is just additional comfort and assuredness. But as I look ahead and see darkness coming and the rope stretching into undefined darkness – I hesitate, but I know I must still move forward and follow the rope. I hold onto the rope and head into this dark season - prayerful, afraid, and anxious – this was never the way I thought my life would be…

Still I put one foot in front of the other and follow where the rope will lead. Now I could assume that this dark season is all about life lessons for my spouse. How shortsighted would that be? So I hold onto the rope and put one foot in front of the other and step into this season – knowing God surely has a plan. As I walk in the dimming light I know I have a choice. Letting go of the rope is never an option… but how I will follow the rope is my choice.

And still in my imagery, I exam my options:

1. I can forcefully and resentfully resist and be dragged by the rope fighting all the way; learning nothing and wallowing in the pain and perceived injustice.

2. I can hold onto the rope eyes squeezed tightly shut and reluctantly, fearfully walking through the dark with nothing but the rope to guide me and nothing learned in the process. (This is voluntarily signing up for what I call spiritual special ed – the lesson will be repeated over and over until I get it – whatever ‘it’ is)

3. I can hold on to the rope with assurance – I can acknowledge and trust in my heart that God would never the lead me into a place of harm without it being a season of preparation for something greater. I hold onto the rope, stepping into the dark one foot at a time eyes open (of course cautiously – fear is fear and the dark is unknown). I allow myself to feel, really feel the anxiety, the uncertainty, the discomfort and pain, but allow my eyes to adjust to the darkness and see what was there to learn and understand.

What I am finding in the darkness is surrender, forgiveness, faith and love. Yes – I still feel anger toward the selfishness and heartlessness that created this season in my life, but it is not enduring. I am not compelled to seek revenge and carry the bitter wounds forever.

And I have tried, to face what is happening in my life with my heart and my eyes open to whatever lessons God is providing in this season. I know that in the end God will be glorified. It's pretty amazing because to many people on the outside it all just seems like madness.

Still I have settled into the life I began to build for myself once we separated. I find great joy in the company of my family and friends, working with my clients, and mining interests and hobbies. I continue to find solace and comfort in God’s unbreakable promises.

2007-10-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

I was in a client’s office the other day and a sign on the wall said “the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will never take you where the will not protect you” And I thought AMEN for that.

I shared the quote and my feeling about it with a friend. He said, “How can we ever know the will of God?” I could appreciate his question. I mean with free will and intellect we can misinterpret what God has intended. Then I thought about it some more and I thought I would restate that quote as “Obedience to the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you” Now you may think you would still have the same problem of understanding what is God's will. I like to think of myself as a fairly simple person and I think God has given us some very clear and simple directives on what is his will is:
From Exodus 20:1-17

You shall have no other gods before me.
You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments.
You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.
Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
You shall not murder.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.
You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.�

This seems to me a simple place to start and while other biblical passages may add to this I think these are simple and easy enough to adhere to without confusion.

2007-09-12T23:25:00.000-07:00

I received this article via email http://www.christiannewswire.com/news/739352684.html My initial thought was "What great insight on why the marriage/ successful marriage stats for my age group are so dismal" I even planned to buy the book. However, after I good night's sleep, I realized this is yet another book instructing women on what to do solve what is a "Masculine Crisis". Of course, it makes perfect economic sense to write a book like this for women - we buy books like this..men don't....

The problem is too many people continue to assume (including the author of this book) that if a woman changes her behavior a man will behave differently .... And in some cases that assumption may in fact be correct. However, in marriage that approach has a fundamental flaw - it will not result in changing a man's beliefs or values or result in sustainable behavior. Another problem with this approach is MEN (individually and collectively) need to be responsible for solving their crisis by dealing with it openly and honestly. Leadership, masculine leadership and accountability are required to solve this problem.

And the most exhausting problem created by "women can fix-it" approach is that is forces women into a long-term pattern of behavior geared to "getting" men to behave like honorable, responsible adult MEN (I intentionally did not use the word male, because this issue goes beyond biology and basic gender).

So my question is when will the MEN step into leadership and seek to help each other grow and heal?