The Foggy Mirror

And Then, 'Papers Please'….

2012-02-11T15:35:00.002Z

I be back. I walked out of the airport with a spring in my step despite the cold. Cold it was, and bright with sparkly snow. Was the sparkly snow the cause of the springy step thingy? No, immigration it was what sprung my step. Transcript below. With no comedic additions.

It was my turn and approached the immigration person and dutifully handed over my passport.

“Good morning Sir.” He said.
“Good morning Sir to you too.” I replied politely.
“Where have you been?” He inquired.
“As you look through my passport, which I believe you'll find is part of you job description, you’ll see where I’ve been.”
“Right, so, you’re back now then?”
“You’re Spot on there!! Well observed immigration imbec.... good passport perusing person.”

That was that then.

Not quite.

Waiting behind the two immigration booths were police persons doing random passenger stuff, it been a quiet day on the crime front. I'd noted, while forming an orderly queue, that if randomly stopped, the delay in continuing to move onward and outward seemed considerable.

Guess what, possibly due to my conversation with the passport guy, I became randomised.

“Excuse me Sir, could you step to one side?”
“I can do that. To which of my two sides should I step?”
“Can I see your passport?”
“That you can. Here it be.”
“Where have you been?”
“Tell you what. You’ll find the information in that little book I just gave you, or, and this is a doozy, you could ask the immigration guy. Like you're working together?”
“Right. What were you doing there?”
“Where?”
“Where you’ve been.”
“Bit o’ this, bit o’ that.”
“What were you doing there, work or holiday?”
“Bit o’ this, bit o’ that.”
“Pleas answer the question.”
“No. Why do you need to know?”
“We like to get information about countries from travellers.”
“But you’ve only asked me about me, so let’s do it this way. Assuming I’m not under caution, can I have my passport back please?”
“Here.” Thrusting, glowering.
“Thank you. Bu-by.” Springy stepped.

I proceeded to the baggage roundabout and after a while I had that exhilarating moment you get when you see that your bag has managed to follow you all the way home.

As I headed to the exit door, I glanced back and guess what. The guy stopped at the same time as me, by the other police person behind the other passport person, was still in the process of taking his cloths off to bear his soul as I departed.

An incredibly small victory. A victory non-the-less. As the good Captain never tires of telling us, ‘no’ can be a magical word.

Quote; Julie Burchill.

“It's been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not, it's a visa, and it runs out fast.”

And Then There Was Uncle Mort….

2012-02-08T18:28:00.002Z

Is it still cold where you be? It's toasty warm where I be.

If, indeed, it is still cold where you be, you really couldn't do any better than going here, clicking on an episode in the little black box looking bit at the top, sticking your feet on the hearth then drift, laughingly, away to times recent past with Uncle Mort.

Some of you out there, I'm sure, will remember Uncle Mort. If not, try it. You'll soon be captivated by the wonderful words and chuckling contentedly with Uncle Mort. Trust me, try it. Wonderful stuff.

Quote; Herbert Samuel.

"A library is thought in cold storage."

And Then, Ticket Fun Time….

2012-02-07T18:35:00.002Z

I’m not where you think I am. I’m now where I should've been yesterday but for two inches of snow and, to be fair, thick fog.

It all started on Saturday when I checked in on-line for Sunday flights and then, rather than before, checked the weather. Snow morning, fog evening. Better change my flight to midday, where the weather map has two little sunny signs, thought I.

Back on-line to change my booking and that’s when the fun began. Fill this in, move a page, fill that in, move a page, tick all the ‘I hereby...’ and ‘I acknowledge...’ boxes and the little steps slider at the top showed this would be the very last click.

Click. Oh, I’m back a page but now with added red writing, “You need to enter your nationality.” I look and I already have. Click again. I’m back to the red writing page again, “You need to enter your nationality.” I look and I have. Click again.

Four times before I saw, below the last ‘I acknowledge’ box, one more nationality box. Why? Never mind, all done; click again. No red writing this time. Oh no Siree. I’m back at the ‘Welcome’ screen.

Three more goes with the same result. What to do. Take the last resort for those wishing to retain their last bit of sanity; phone.

The recorded message helpfully gave me the Web address where I could do absolutely anything, including juggling with an assortment of kitchen utensils, without the need to trouble real people.

Enough, you’ve all been there. Eventually, through cunning phone key combinations, getting a few riddles right along the way and listening to several interesting works by some obscure Scandinavian bassoonist, I was talking to a proper person.

“I’d like to change a flight tomorrow please. Can you do that?”
“That I can. Just give me your thirty-four digit flight changing authorisation code and I’ll be doing it for you.” Now the chance of randomly punching 34 phone keys and coming up with any sort of match seemed like too much of a long shot so I fessed up, “Don’t have one of those.”
“Monies involved then.”
“Carry on. I'll collect the money when I get to the gate.”
"No, you give us money."
"Whoa! Bit of a surprise there then. Carry on."

Time passed.

“Sorry for the delay, but you’ve checked in and I need to check you out to start again and our web based system won’t let me do it for some reason so I’m trying to contact a colleague far away to try to do it for me but he’s not answering the phone.”

“This sounds spookily familiar. Carry on ticket touting person and I’ll continue my classical music class.”

Time passed. Quite a lot of it.

“It’s done. New ticket coming. Sorry for the delay.”
“No problem, I was going to shave again anyway.”

The sorry end to a sorry story? It was all for naught. All flights were cancelled. This time, tickets were changed at the airport and I got away a day late, with a brain turned to mince, from another airport.

I think that, in situations like those, the phone line people should explain what’s involved, then offer an alternative challenge to the challenge you’re contemplating attempting. If that’d happened in my situation, and the ‘alternative challenge of the day’ had been to single-handedly herd a hundred and fifty cats from one side of the city to the other, I’d a taken that.

Quote; ??

“Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.”

And Then, It Partly Came To Pass….

2012-02-03T14:25:00.006Z

A pretty happy day then.

One thing Mr Huhne; if, by some remote chance, you do get banged up, not that we're presuming your guilt of course, don't fall for that old lags line, "Yo, Chris, wanna come to my cell an' see some windmills?"

Nothing else to say. Well, one thing. Mr Dave, remember us? The people? At present, the cold people? You do? Then please go find a grownup, from the real world, to manage our energy policies. Not too much to ask is it? Thank you, with forlorn hope.

Caratacus, thanks for the link and love your comment. As for the closing line; …but perhaps a small measure of schadenfreude may be in order? Tow things Sir; I've never seen the point of small measures and I'm not a great lover of German wines, but I'll sure have a large Scotch while I take a moment to delight in his misfortune.

With that last post, along with comments from Caratacus and Giolla Decair, I couldn't help but be drawn to this classic clip…

Quote; Lucius Annaeus Seneca.

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials."

And Then, Snow May Come….

2012-02-02T17:56:00.002Z

With the chance of a little snow on the horizon my mind did one of its time travel thingies and I ended up back in primary school, aged about seven.

This is an awful long time ago, let me tell you. I remembered the times happily walking to school through the overnight snow, then all of us kids sitting in the classroom just waiting for playtime so’s we could get back out into it. Back out into it? Like we had a choice? Back then the weather had to be bad on Biblical proportions before we were allowed to stay indoors. Remember?

At playtime, somehow, natural selection kicked in and within seconds of being out in the snow, two groups had formed, a defensive group and an attacking group. Again, within seconds the defenders were busy rolling and pushing snow to construct a ‘U’ shaped redoubt. ‘U’ shaped? Of course. Open at the back to facilitate a quick and unobstructed escape should the need arise.

This group sub-divided to form redoubt constructors and ammunition makers with a further ammunition maker sub-group of roughie toughie kids secreting stones in their snowballs. Bless 'em.

The attacking group were similarly manufacturing ammunition while a small sub-group was involved with formulating redoubt attacking tactics along the lines of, “We’ll charge now then.”

Soon battle was joined and the air was filled with flying snowballs, small, and not so small, stones, kids wild screams and, occasionally, from far away, the voice of a teacher reminding us to be careful. Yeah, right.

Eventually it was close quarters combat. At this time, with ammunition low and not a snowball in hells chance of making a snowball, scratching, biting, a bit o’ hitting an' kicking was used with no mercy shown by either side. Alarmingly, the girls seemed to be the fiercest close quarter fighters.

All too soon the whistle went and back inside we trooped nursing various scratches, cuts, nose bleeds and the occasional loose tooth, grinning from ear to ear, to wait for the lunch hour when battle would be re-joined, spookily, from exactly where it left off at playtime.

And teachers reactions when viewing the wet, bedraggled, bleeding, battered, grinning bunch of kids before them? “Who won then? Looks to me like you all lost. Right, what's next? **Ah, here we are, Health and Safety then Global Warming.”

That was then. Do they still get to do that stuff now? No? Well, I’m so surprised you could knock me down with a stone loaded snowball.

**That bits made up by the way.

Quote; Norm Crosby.

"My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section."

And Then, The Wet Cistern….

2012-01-31T17:21:00.002Z

I remember posting about condensation some time back and the purchase of a dehumidifier to combat said condensation. This is by way of an up-date on said condensation and dehumidifier.

The dehumidifier works fine. There you go; up-dated.

But.... there’s always a ‘but’ isn’t there? So what’s the ‘but’ about? I here you but, butting and tut, tutting to yourself. It’s about that old winter favourite of condensation on the toilet cistern.

Searching the Web you can find many cures for this favourite of winter phenomena, one of the best has to be a fish tank heater in the cistern. No, really, the idea’s out there! It also seems there are cistern lining kits available although I can’t locate them here, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have the patience to cut, shape and stick polystyrene in there.

Another good idea is this. But, yup, another ‘but’, you ever tried working with this expanding foam looking stuff? Most definitely not for the more quick to temper sort of person. It should be called something like, ‘What An Absolutely Amazing Mess In A Can’.

After the preamble we come to this. If I’m telling you a quick fix you already know, sorry, otherwise it may help you. Dead easy - dry the outside of the cistern off as good as possible then, using a dry cloth, wipe washing up liquid over the surface.

Recently I tried that liquid soap in a pump looking bottle that you can pick up cheap in those Pound type shops, and that seems to be working even better, longer than washing up liquid. Because of a slightly thicker consistency you think?

Try it, you know you want to. Or, if your quick fix is better than my quick fix, let me know.

{Note to self; Would I have the patience to cut and glue polystyrene just to the one side wot is against the wall?}

Quote; Dave Barry.

“European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.”

And Then, Still No Rise….

2012-01-29T17:28:00.003Z

Hello Mr Huhnaloon, how's your weekend going? Read this? Another inconvenient truth? Bummer eh? Mr Delingpole covers it quite well as well. Well, he would wouldn't he? I do like the comment from Swanky Yanky, chopped a little here, with apologies;

……….but if there's one thing we should know by now, it's that British politicians do NOT feel accountable to the public. Once in office, they are gold-medal winners at ignoring their constituents. They are paternalistic and they think they can send you off with a pat on the head and a saucer of milk. --- This has to change! They won't move unless you light a fire under them, so to speak. That means: getting noisy and getting visible. British politicians dismiss, ignore, and discount the public because there's never any real price to pay for doing otherwise. And the media is fully in the tank for Leftism. So Leftist misbehaviour, or misbehaviour of which socialists approve -- such as ploughing billions of taxpayer funds into dubious AGW boondoggles -- is given a pass.
They will just let all this glide on by unless you the people put your foot down -- now.
They will let 'global warming' panic morph into 'global cooling' panic and use that factitious panic as continued justification for the same scams and the same schemes and the same economic impoverishment and freedom-bashing legislation.

Well Chris, going to get a grip any time soon?

Talking of inconvenient truths Chris, where's your pal Al? Haven't heard from him for such a long time, seems. I don't want to. Just saying is all.

Quote; Albert Schweitzer.

"Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile."

And So We Prepare….

2012-01-27T17:43:00.002Z

“The bathroom floor tiles. Shall I just cut tiles to go round the toilet and wash basin pedestal then?”
“What else to do then? Tile over them? How to use if you tile over them then?”

Did I hear right? Is she really as dumb as a box o' rocks? I patiently continue, “What I mean is, to do it properly, I should take out the toilet and basin, lay the tiles, then plumb the bits back.”
”Good idea. How to use plums to put bits back?”
“No, plumb with a ‘b’. Short for plumbing. Not eating.”
“With a ‘b’? Why not say ‘plumbing’ then?”
“English. It’s a silent ‘b’.”
“You English waste just about everything. Put a ‘b’ in, then don’t use him. So he sounds the same as ‘plum’ with no 'b'. Stupid idea. Waste of time and a 'b'.”
“Yup. Could it be so you know which one you can legally eat? You know, plum, no 'b', good. Plumber, 'b', bad."
"What difference between 'no be good' and 'be bad' then?"
"You know what? I'm getting one of my headaches. Anyhoo, where were I? Okay; doing it right, we wouldn't have a toilet for a couple of days.”
“Bad Idea.”
“I could just keep working through the night I guess....”
“Good idea.”
”.....and just hope my plumbing’s ‘Polish perfect’, ‘couse if it’s not, well, it could be lots of days with no toilet and no water at all.”
“Bad idea. Polish perfect? What mean?”
“English joke, never mind. Hay, we could use a bucket 'till the toilet's back in action."
"That's a joke, right? It better be joke. Be bad joke."
"Okay, here’s a very good idea. Why don’t you go home for a while while I do all this stuff?”
“Good idea. While while?”
“English, never mind. Hay, to be on the safe side, it may be best if you go home for two or three months – or better still, just wait ‘till I call you when everything’s back to normal. How about that then? What? What now? What? What’re you looking at me like that for?”

So there you go, not as dumb as a box o' rocks after all.

Quote; Rodney Dangerfield.

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth; she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

And Then There Was No Rest….

2012-01-25T17:35:00.002Z

"Let's re-new the bathroom." She commented.
"That's a good idea!" I joked, thinking she was joking.
"When will you be starting?" She said un-jokingly.
"Wha…? I've just finished the car parking!" I wailed.
"See? Finished. Nothing to do now then." She simpered.
"Suppose I could paint the ceiling." I offered condescendingly.
"I be thinking more of re-tiling walls, take up pretend wood floor and put down tiles. Oh, and take away bath, we only stand in him to use shower, and put in proper shower box. I be thinking more like that than just paint ceiling. But paint ceiling as well."
"Wha……?" I wailed. "Shower box? You mean a cubicle? Or enclosure?"
"Wha…..?" Was the blank response.

Past few days we, and I use the term 'we' in the singular, have been choosing a shower cubicle and tiles. All I've been doing, sulkily, is using my diplomatic skills to subtly guide 'my little nest of vipers' away from tiles that had any form of outrageously fluorescent floral finish, and on to the more traditional boring British beige.

As you'll remember, my plumbing ability is about as slick as a kitten with a ball of wool, so I'm attempting to figure out what I'll need, and what to do with what I'll need, via the World Wide Web. Could be World Wide Webbed Feet if I get it wrong.

Quote; Granni Nazzano.

"My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all others."

And Then, Just A Slim Chance….

2012-01-21T17:54:00.005Z

Just a very little ray of sunshine on our dismal horizon you think?

You getting you stuff sorted out Chris? Packing a small bag with the bits you’ll be needing in one of HM’s open parks? How about a secure unit for the criminally insane? Print this for something to read and dwell on.

Where ever you end up, and I and many others will be amazed if it’s anywhere, but anyway, if/when you meet your new chums in the showers, don’t fight it, just go with the flow. Hay, you’ve such a cheeky wee face and you’re not that old are you? Just bite the bullet and remember that old saying; get it up ya while you’re young, ‘couse nay-body likes an old poof.

Charges? Gaol? Dreaming aren’t I? If anything whatsoever comes of this, my flabber* will be truly, utterly, and totally gasted**. In spades.

***

See what I did yesterday? Called it WebWord. See what it really is? WordWeb. See why I need all the help I can get? Click on the image if you want. Nothing much happens.

This'll take you back. Bet you know the words. It's another one of those, "You're going to play it twice" numbers. It's Saturday – enjoy.

Quote; John Hardwick.

"Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison."

And Then I Was Off It….

2012-01-20T16:51:00.002Z

For a while now I’ve been trying to get away from Microsoft Office. I’ve been using Office 2003 for ever, well, since 2003, but now I’m not in the world, updating, rather than being free, which I could happily live with, would now require me to spend money, and MS Office ‘ain’t cheap. At the moment I can't think of a reason why you'd want to update, but there you go. I mean a word's a word and a number's a number is it not?

I've tried all I can find, from Symphony, which wouldn’t run for me for reasons not yet fully understood, to Open Office and lately, Libre Office.

Libre was pretty cool but hell of a size and a tad slow. Slow? What ya going to do with a second start-up saving?

Anyhoo, I’ve settled on Soft Maker Office. Cost not too much for the 2012 release, but you can download and use for ever and ever the 2008 version for free here. It’s of modest size and fast. I now have many seconds a day to do nothing with and feel so much better for it. I guess that, over time, I'll have saved so many seconds that MS Office 2003 will be back in date. And the Huhnaloon back in diapers…..

Back to Soft Maker; once you drag all the menu icons you’ll never use off the menu bars and drag usable icons onto just the one menu bar you get all the workable real-estate you’ll ever need.

Any weaknesses? The spell chequer and Dina-thesaurus isn’t exactly the bees knees although the spell thingy obviously gets better as you do the adding stuff. Hoping, as you add, that you’re right. Right?

However, this weakness led me to WebWord. There’s a portable version out there also, as well, so there is, oh yes there is.

Fire him up and he sits in your task bar, highlight a word, hit your assigned hot keys, and, viola! There she be, all you kneed to no abbot the word wot you lighted highly, as fast as a flash. How good is that? No? Suite yourself then.

You'd be forgiven for believing, what with 'Web' being in there, that you had to be connected to the Web to use WebWord. Well, you'd be wrong, so there! He stands alone.

So with these two bits o’ kit I’m off MS Office with, contrary to popular belief, no ill effects, side effects or special effects.

This has been a Foggy public service posting.

Quote; Roy Blount, Jr.

“The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor' I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'”

And Then Another Note For The Loon….

2012-01-17T17:32:00.002Z

People, compare this to this, weep, and then give thanks to, amongst others, the Huhnaloon.

You there Chris? You read the second ‘this’ bit? Here’s a bit of the second 'this' bit wot may, nay, should interest you;

With abundant new supplies of gas making it the cheapest option for new power generation, the largest U.S. wind-energy producer, NextEra Energy Inc. has shelved plans for new U.S. wind projects next year and Exelon Corp. called off plans to expand two nuclear plants. Michigan Energy Corp. cancelled a $2 billion coal plant after deciding it wasn’t financially viable in a time of “low natural-gas prices linked to expanded shale-gas supplies,” according to a company statement.

Mirroring the gas market, electricity prices have dropped more than 50 percent on average since 2008, and about 10 percent during the fourth quarter of 2011........

See? Compare that side of the pond with our side Mr Huhne. This is a bit from the first 'this' bit above.

Energy bills almost double in six years. Household energy bills have increased by more than 90pc in six years, rising by nearly £600 to an average of £1,259.

Please try to remember, next time you’re planning a windmill onslaught, that we’re sitting on shed loads of shale gas. The sooner you get your wind stock shorted, your gas options in place and give the go ahead, the better it'll be for all of us.

Further to all the above Mr Huhnaloon, I must also draw your attention away from the Teletubbies and towards this;

Denmark’s push for a green Europe suffered a reality check as domestic wind turbine producer Vestas Wind Systems cuts back one tenth of its work force to survive Chinese competition and a slump in demand.

....and a slump in demand. Still no alarm bells ringing in that ever slappable clowns head of yours Chris?

Quote; Steve Wright.

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

And Then There Was Navigation….

2012-01-15T16:49:00.002Z

I see this morning that the mans boat that had a bit of a do the other day was, allegedly, four miles off course. Another report states the Captain got too close to land. They’re kidding right? Got too close to the land? Hay, there’s ‘close’, there’s ‘closer’ and there’s trying to get him on the highway.

I've talked of Tom Tom in the car before and in view of this, and the above, I feel the government should speed up their summit in relation to satellite navigation stuff and the up-dating of the maps therein. You think mans boat could've been using Sat Nav and just followed orders? "Turn right at the next sticky-out bit of land."

See? We all thought the government was just wasting time, worrying about the odd truck that gets stuck because the driver didn't up-date his Sat Nav maps, or, more likely, neglected to look out the window, when all along they knew better, as ever, than us. Still can’t help thinking there’s madness in their methods all the same.

Quote; George William Curtis.

“It is not the ship so much as the skilful sailing that assures the prosperous voyage.”

And Then I Thought I May Be In Trouble….

2012-01-13T18:00:00.003Z

On the downside, I see S & P are possibly going to downgrade France from their triple A rating. Apparently, this is not good. I really do hope it has nothing to do with the Concord joke the other day.

Just to be on the safe side, after posting this, I'll be formatting and scrubbing all my hard drives, shredding all the paper in the house, double locking all doors and windows and putting 'her indoors' on the roof to keep a lookout for black helicopters. Put her on the roof? No problem. She like it up there. Her an' the crows get on great, just great.

In the mid-side, you'll be delighted to learn the dropped kerb drive-way was completed without any cats, dogs or small children getting glued to the tarmac. It just needs a while now for the tarmac to cure before driving over him. You're not that delighted? I'm delighted.

On the upside, here's a track with a bit of French in it to make up for the bad Concord joke and possibly save Franc's triple A thingy. It's from – oh dear, here we go again - it's from the Stranglers…. Nice track it be too.

On the bottom side, a study has shown that a large percentage of road traffic accidents can be directly linked to the consumption of bacon and/or sausages. Dr Gizza-Bigga-Grant stated that 75% of casualties of road traffic accidents had eaten either bacon and/or sausages on at least two occasions in the week prior to the accident. What more proof do ya'll need?

If you have a smoke after a sausage, well, we're probably not here but rather talking on the 'other side' as we grope our greasy fingered way towards the light. Let's face it – they're never going to leave us alone.

Quote; Elayne Boosler.

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they're always locking three."

And Then I Had Stuff To Do….

2012-01-11T17:38:00.002Z

I do be having a lot on right now. Car hard stand and dropped kerb an' stuff like that. Hard stand, he be cool but the dropped kerb – well, that's getting there. For anyone who isn't familiar with 'dropped kerbs', I'll do an explanatory post when mine's complete. How exciting is that then? Be still your beating hearts, it'll be next week.

By way of entertainment, click wot's underlined underneath under here and head back in time for a while. Someone out there should remember…. Still sounds pretty good.

To go along with the Scottish independence thingy, you here the bagpipes in that tune above? Ah, the pipes - You can almost picture the intimidating ranks of Scottish soldiers, or as they're affectionately known, jocks in frocks with daggers down their socks, guarding the new border can't you?

I guess the high speed train'll stop at the new border then? Tell you what though, can't wait to ride that sucker! Say what? It won't be ready 'till when? And a ticket will cost WHAT? Ah well, never got to ride Concord either.

Talking of Concord. You remember the Air France Concord crash? Of course you do. That was the day the French managed to kill more Germans than they did in two world wars……

Quote; ??

'Who cares if a 500 pound laser guided bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?"

And Then, No Big Cigar….

2012-01-08T16:15:00.002Z

Cameron Minor, you’re still not thinking things through before you speak are you?

The other day we had the stunning news that nurses should be nursing; today we here that executives shouldn’t be rewarded for failure.

Man, you're sharp. I’m sure the vast majority of the work force of UK PLC will agree with you David.

But wait!! You see the mistake you've made there young D? Executives shouldn’t be rewarded for failure. The penny dropping? How about a clue; kettles, pots, black. No? Here you go then....

I believe you’re currently the CEO of an outfit called UK PLC. A company that’s bust and broken and getting more busterer and brokener by the nano second. A company you, as CEO, are doing your best to sell what's left, treasonably, at a knock down price to Brussels.

Not content with overseeing UK PLC being bust, broke and Brusselated in spades, you, as the CEO, want to spend thirty two billion, oh come on, let's be honest, a hundred and thirty two billion quid of magic money to cut the travel time between London and Birmingham by thirty minutes. Thirty minutes? At what cost for a ticket? Most folk going to Birmingham get there free in the back of trucks don't they? Also, as the CEO, you want to see an energy policy for UK PLC that’ll probably see it back in the dark ages, both metaphorically and literally, right quick.

David, bearing all that in mind, and by your own reckoning that failure shouldn’t be rewarded, it must follow that you, as the present CEO of UK PLC and your board members, aren’t worth a carrot and should have your salaries and perks severely slashed. Or better still, suspended ‘till you get your act together. You're spot on young lad, failure shouldn’t be rewarded.

David, you little scamp, once more, when one of your prefects gives you something in writing for you to read out loud, please keep your mouth shut, read it, read it again, read it yet again, think it through, think a tad harder, tear it up, slap yourself and your prefect and think of something sensible to say.

I guess the key word is ‘think’. Here’s a tip; anything with the word ‘veto’ in it seems to be working right now.

Quote; Gore Vidal.

“Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.”

And Then, Another Stunning Statement….

2012-01-07T17:41:00.002Z

I see that guy in the middle east, what’s his name, is going to test fire a stealth missile - or has test fired a stealth missile, and the same guy could be close to possessing nuclear weapons. Oh, what’s the guys name again... something like Armoured Dinner-jacket. You know who I mean.

Anyhoo, with him on our doorstep, that nice young lad Cameron seems very busy telling anyone who can be bothered to listen, that nurses should be nursing. You know, looking after sick people. Stunning.

See? These cleaver young chaps know exactly how to prioritise stuff and thusly confirm my belief we are more than getting our tax monies worth from him and his henchmen.

Nurses should be nursing eh? I bet a huge proportion of the population fell over backwards in amazement at that revelation.

Finally for tonight, please, oh please, go read this over at OLDRIGHTIE.

Quote; Thomas Carlyle.

“Parliament will train you to talk; and above all things to hear, with patience, unlimited quantities of foolish talk”

And Then I Just About Got It Back….

2012-01-06T17:19:00.002Z

After a lot of huffing, puffing, tutting, pouting and much keyboard prodding, noises and prodding's which led to icy looks from my little nest of vipers, the iciness of which could freeze mercury, I’ve almost got the laptop back to normal. Although, owing to repeatedly using that ‘restore to an earlier time’ tool, I’m almost back to Windows 3.1..... Tell you what, it seems pretty stable.

Although almost back to a usable state, I’ll still be mighty surprised if I can complete typing this and get it posted. There’s still that tricky bit about connecting to the outside world to do yet.

Wish me luck.

That’s not going to work is it? If I can’t get it posted you won’t know I want you to wish me luck, will you? If I do get it posted I won’t need your wishes of luck will I? It’ll be too late, right?

I’ve got it!! If you’re psychic, wish me luck. Sadly, I won’t know if you did or not as I’m not psychic. If it does post okay I’ll just assume I had psychic help via some luck wishing magic person.

Better try the posting button thingy before this gets any sillier.

Talking of silly stuff, has the Huhnatic been locked up yet? No? Not going to happen is it?

Quote; ??

"Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows."

Zachart Good.

"I sit looking at this damn computer screen all day long, day in and day out, week after week, and think: Man, if I could just find the 'on' switch..."

And Then I Did A Boot….

2012-01-03T17:28:00.002Z

A quick post as I have laptop problems. Looks like a virus of some description as it seems to be running a little hot and has a chesty cough. It’s proving to be a tough little sucker to shift.

Her indoors, after watching me getting a tad more frustrated with every passing minute, suggested I give it a boot. As nothing else seemed to be working I took her advice.

After several minutes of booting the laptop round the room, and noting that things seemed to be getting progressively worse with each kick, my little nest of vipers helpfully pointed out that, by booting, she meant shutting down and restarting the beast.

That I did, and I may be on the right track now. Could this be the start of the day of the machines? Could he and Hal, Hal being him that runs the car, be plotting something together?

Maybe I need a new computer. Or, better still, one of they tablet looking thingies?
Stop right there!! Cool my jets! Do I need a new computer? Or a tablet?
Of course I do.
Say what?
Oh, sorry, of course I don’t. Although a tablet would be nice.
How? It’s just a big mobile phone, right?
Right, but think of all the stuff I could do with one.
Okay, what could I do with one?
I could type this on it for starters.
I can hold it with one hand and poke an on-screen keyboard with one finger of the other hand?
I’d get the hang of it in time and I might do better than the rubbish I type with two fingers.
I really believe that?
Well then, what else then. I could surf the web-a-net with it couldn’t I?
So what I'm saying is I can’t do that with this laptop then?
Of course I can, but.....
But what?
But… wait a minute….. But there’s apps for tablets - thousands of apps.
Whoa! That sounds, like, so cool. Do I even know what an 'app' is then?
I’ve no idea what an 'app' is, but there’s thousands of ‘em and anyway, some apps are free apps. How about that then!
Please, gimme a break!!
Right. A big plus is that a tablet’s 3G. Did I know that?
And 3G is?
3G’s, err.... Look, that's not important right now. Can I at least go and play with one in the shiny stuff shop?
I’d rather I didn’t because you know how weak I am when it comes to shiny stuff. It soon seems to belong to me.
Oh come on! Just for a quick play?
If I'm good, I’ll think about it next time I go shopping.
Thanks, and it’ll just be to try one, I promise.
I promise?
I promise. {Yeah, right. He he he.}
Watch it fella! I heard that bit in brackets!!
I heard that? Damn! I should've whispered that bit to me.

Quote; Nathaniel Borenstein.

“The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.”

And Then There Was Good Ol' Arlo….

2012-01-01T16:49:00.002Z

Here’s a classic for your listening pleasure this New Years day. Right, right, New Years day evening. Assuming you’re here. If you’re somewhere else, well, I’ve no idea where you are or what the time is. Sorry.

Regarding this clicky bitty, if I was a critic or reviewer, I’d use the original phrase, ‘it works on so many levels.’ And that it does.

If you can listen to this without cracking a smile or thinking,
“Yup, I know exactly where he’s coming from”, then you’re made o' wood. You made o' wood then? Shame. On the plus side, you’re still biodegradable.

And thus, without further a-did, fix a nice drink, get your feet up the fire, if it’s cold, wet and miserable like it is here, and spare a few, okay, several, no, wait, many, something like fifteen minutes and give it a whirl. You won’t regret it, that’s a promise. By the way, it's old, but, as it's coming from Foggy, I don't need to tell you that do I?

You enjoy that? Knew you would. Now go read Mr Booker on Europe and, our old favourite, windmills an' such. As ever, he nails it nicely.

Quote; Rodney Dangerfield.

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

And Then, Happy New Thingy....

2011-12-31T17:26:00.002Z

Wishing you all a very happy New Year. What better way to start the New Year than with a cut an’ paste from this time last year. Is that lazy or wot?

It seems, in the short space of one year, this piece is even more relevant.

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it's difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following;

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that England is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms;

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/her or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Other than that, did your wishes for 2011 come to pass? For the majority of us, I’ll wager not. And, according to WWF, time is STILL running out for the jaguar, snow leopards, teradactyls, lerts, glaciers, trees and anything else you wish to think of.

Here's something else that'll really cheer you on your way into 2012. Taxpayers will have to work until 26 July to pay for the cost of government in 2012 . Crying yet?

For 2012 all I can say is that, however officious officials become with you, however goony your governments become, yes, I'm sure they'll become grossly goonier in 2012, however much the righteous try to interfere with how you wish to live your life, however preposterous the petty interference gets, all we mere mortals can do is hold on tight to our dreams. {Sorry, embederation's forbidden. See? Bloody petty, but go on, click it.}

Quote; James Agate.

“New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”

And Then, More Helpful Information….

2011-12-29T18:47:00.002Z

Further to the post regarding helpfully being told when it's cold, I caught a doozy on BBC local radio today.

It was urging the good, and obviously dim, folk of this fare island to ensure any old relatives and neighbours were okay during the festive period and, if they were on medication, that they had a plentiful supply to hand.

Also, and this is the kicker, to check their kitchen cupboards and make sure they were well stocked as, “...food and drink are essential.” Whoa!! Food and drink are essential? Is that new? When did that start?

It's to be noted that the BBC didn't manage this revelation on their own. Oh no. It was a public service announcement in conjunction with the NHS.

Let's just remind ourselves – food and drink are essential. Got it? Food and drink are essential.

“Hi old person. Everything okay? Cold in here is it?”
“Fine thanks. Yes, it is cold in here. I can't afford to turn on the Huhneators.”
“Know what you mean. Hay, it smells like boiled cabbage in here.”
“That was all I had left to eat today.”
“Hay, someone on the radio told me, like, food an' drink are essential. Is that right?”
“S'pose so.”
“Okay then. I'll pop out an' get a bit. If you're sure it's essential.”
“Yes, I believe it is pretty essential.”
“Okay then.”
“Okay then.”

Yo, you people 'in charge' of stuff, gimme a break already.

Here's an idea for you goons. The next time you become convinced you have something really, really important to communicate to us of the great unwashed, write it down and read it out loud to yourself a few times. Chances are you'll go very red in the face, tear it up, give yourself a good slapping and go hide in a dark room.

Quote; Ambrose Bierce.

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

And Then It Was Over, Almost….

2011-12-27T18:10:00.002Z

I sincerely hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

Just New Years eve to negotiate then it's all quiet 'till Easter.

Did you all enjoy your parties and then, later, manage to grab a bargain in the sales? If you did, I hope you managed it without being shot or stabbed. Really, what a sad country.

The BBC were on the ball this evening showing footage with the reporter stating it showed the police holding back an angry, and occasionally agitated, crowd. The film I saw showed a crowd of one guy who looked like he wanted to cross the road. Probably to get his knife back.

I hope the police have better luck with their witnesses' than the police lady person in this clip;

Was it any better back in the days when the old track further down below wuzz tracking? Oh my, that's nearly forty years ago. I honestly don't remember mayhem on the streets that we seem to see today, but then again, I probably wasn't paying attention. Defiantly wasn't paying attention……

We went for a wander round town yesterday, not to shop you understand, just to 'people watch'. Her indoors, or outdoors that day, remarked how the good folk seemed to have all the money in the world to spend despite what she's been repeatedly told by news programs, i.e. we're broke. In fact we're now broker than wot Brazil is in terms of stuff.

True, but how can anyone resist something with 70% knocked off the price? Do they need it? Will they ever use it? What's it for? Does it matter? It's got 70% off!! Of course they neeeeed it.

I told her to imagine the same bargain snapping people a month from now when the credit card bills come through their letter boxes and land like 5 mega ton bombs of disaster and despair. Sadly, 70% off won't seem such a slick idea then. Especially if you got five of 'em.

Quote; Branch Rickey.

“A team is where a boy can prove his courage on his own. A gang is where a coward goes to hide.”

And Then, My Best Wishes….

2011-12-24T16:57:00.002Z

As last year, may I direct you to a simple little Christmas video to enjoy while relaxing before the fire, replete, after enjoying your Christmas day repast of which I trust, if you are indeed replete, you had an adequate sufficiency.

As you watch and listen I would like to wish all who've passed through this humble site through the year, all the very best wishes for Christmas. I hope to 'see' you all again next year.

A very special thanks to those special friends who were kind enough to send mail and e-mail greetings – again, it’s truly appreciated.

With all it's sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Yes, I still read Desiderata on occasion. It must be the old hippy in me, innit. Innit? That can't be, like, right, can it?

Quote; P. J. O'Rourke,

“Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year."

And Then We Went For Bread….

2011-12-23T18:13:00.002Z

I freely admit to rarely appearing to be playing with a full deck, but I excelled today. Today, two days before Christmas, for reasons not yet fully understood, as there was nothing shiny involved, we went shopping. You know, for those critical, last minute Christmasy things like bread an' milk an' stuff. Okay, let's be honest, much the same we do every year. So, basically, we haven't learned a damn thing. And we'll have forgotten again by next year. What with advancing age an' all.

What was it like? Absolute bedlam's what it was like. And not a festive smile in sight. Just a far from festive, frothing at the mouth, teeth gritted, grabby, wobbly wheeled trolley race of death. Once we'd negotiated our way through the car park and entered the store, things really went downhill. Between the bread shelf and the check-out, man, that was a long, wild ride.

People, please, although this message is a tad too late, it being night an' all, there will be stuff left to buy come the after Christmas period. I promise.

Yes, even on December 26. Possibly as early as the 25^th. The little corner shop wot seems to stock absolutely everything? Run by that ever cheerful sleepy lagoon? That'll be open. The Polish deli down the road? That'll be open. That chain of tobacconists and general stuff stores owned by those Indian guys? They'll be open. The little local bakers, run by that pleasant young English couple? That'll be..... Oh.

Back to today. From the total chaos of the food purveyors establishments, we had need to visited a DIY superstore. Guess what. We were on our own. That's a spooky feeling, knowing that the CCTV watching guy had nothing else to do but look at us, from entry to check-out. I kept my receipt.

And what's happened to carol singers? Where they be? Nothing this year up our way. Or down our way, dependant on where you be in relation to where I be.

In the absence of proper carol singers, bob upstairs, put on your flares, do the clicky bit below, dive outside your front door and join in with "The Boars Head Carol". Remember to cup your hand over your ear for best effect. When you're done, if you haven't been arrested, don't forget to bang on your door 'till you give yourself some money. If you just offer yourself a chocolate bar instead of money, punch yourself in the puss. You know the drill.

Quote; Will Rogers.

“Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.”