TheGreatWhiteDope's Mecha-Blog-Zilla

Kolberg (1945)

2012-01-25T20:05:00.001-05:00

The popular myth is that the U.S. of A were the only ones who needed propaganda films to boost morale during wartime. You know: movies intended to keep the home fires burning and local pride in our troops and their war efforts at an all-time high.

Buy war bonds. Plant victory gardens. Cut sugar consumption. That sorta thing.

Not so, kemo sabe: appears that other countries needed the same figurative shot in the arm to make sure that their boys over there were fighting the good fight. From England to Scotland, to Spain to Portugal to Russia to Germany - everyone and every country had 'em.

Oh yeah, Germany too. Especially at that time in World War II when faith in the Fatherland was flagging. They had a... well... maybe some history in world history is necessary:

Before 1942, Nazi Germany was gaining strength and power throughout Europe by the time the Wehrmacht troops were defeated in The Battle of Stalingrad, the First Battle of El Alamein and the Allied bombings of such major German cities as Hamburg, Cologne and Dresden. Many more German troops were either killed, retreated or surrendered as a result of further battles in Tunisia, Anzio and Cassino, with more defeats yet to come.

It was around this time that Joseph Goebbels, propaganda minister for the Third Reich and close associate to Adolf Hitler himself, realized that as the supervisor of all media coming and and out of Germany, he had the most important position in the Reich: by creating a movie that would speak to the gung-ho mentality of your average Aryan, he could rally support for every Nazi effort and bring in the home team for a full-out rock-out-with-your-swastika-out victory for the Reichland.

So then it came to be that The Master Race needed a Master Movie - not just one to provide a quick pick-me-up but that would be powerful and enduring enough to last the length of this "Thousand-Year Reich". Understandable: if you're going to go to all the trouble of Beer Hall Putsch and establish some guy with a weird mustache in a big position of power, might as well show that - by golly - history proves that you have every right to!

That Holocaust thing and the concentration camps? ...uh yeah, we can get to that later on....

Therefore, Kolberg was commissioned to show Germany's ancestral fighting for the right to bear (extended left) arms, as every red-and-black-blooded Nazi should do today, circa-1940s!

It's all for the good of the war effort, though, so what's a few Deustchmarks between herrs?

Now, let's get to das plotzen: after the period of the Napoleonic Wars known as the War of Liberation, King Frederick William III of Prussia (Claus Clausen) and Count August von Gneisenau (Horst Caspar) discuss the past siege of Kolberg and how it taught the importance of citizen armies. Years earlier, Kolberg was unaffected by war and its town's people and leaders, including Bürgermeister Nettelbeck (Heinrich George), discuss Napoleon and what his victories mean in terms of their survival as a people. Nettelbeck fights against repeated cowardice and laziness of the townsfolk and the garrison commander, as he endeavors to defend his city against the approaching French by creating a citizen militia, surrender not considred an option. The remainder of the population, heartened by Nettlebeck's example and that of local girl Maria (Kristina Söderbaum), refuse to capitulate and resist the French army, suffering repeated attacks on a daily basis until such time that they are able to organize themselves to defend their land to the last of the townsfolk standing.

Okay, so Goebbles had a script chock full of propaganda, so who could he get to direct such a thing? Why, no less than Veit Harlan, the director who gave Nazis everywhere their favorite film Jud Süß (aka: Jew Süss), a big hit with Anti-Semites all over, giving Harlan the ever-popular title of "Hitler's favorite director". Now there's a big point for the ol' resume.

So Harlan worked from a script based on a book by Alfred Braun with uncredited writing by no less than Goebbels himself, and gave a tale of an heroic stand against the onset of a heartless band of oppressors - in this case, helpless Germans against heavily-armed Russians, and how the small town of Kolberg stood strong to the last, battling attack after attack.

I guess it should be noted that this is loaded to the gills with uplifting speeches (courtesy Goebbels) and as if to prove America has no monopoly on mawkish sentiment, tearful faces, flashing eyes, flared nostrils, Mary Pickford-esque body language to spare and a whole slew of emotionally-charged dialogues that, even if you cannot speak the language, can still only be considered as declarations of love for country, land, boirthright and defending it all with your dying breath.

Thuis is all backed up by one of the most bombastic, loud, overbearuing, brass-heavy musical scores thuis side of John Philip Sousa, as orchestrated by Norbert Schultze - most famous for that tender German love ballad "Lili Marleen". Guess this is what a German movioe gets when it can't find a Rhineland version of John Williams.

It all grates on the ears, between line reads and music scores,by the time we realize the actors in question have no intent on down-playing.

Kristina Söderbaum, herself the wife of director Harlan and also lead actress in Jud Süß, plays the tender flower virginal virtue to the hilt so broadly and to so deadening an effect - as if you thought doing both at once was impossible - that even when she's manning the water pumps to extinguish fires set on her town's thatched roofs there is little difference as to what she does or how she does it. She's only a caricature in a film filled with them.

Heinrich George can have the same said of himself ten times over, seeing as how he is a huge, loud man with an unruly 'stache and fiery temper. He can say any line he wants however he wants to say it... who's going to see him as anything more than a cartoon?

And that's one of the biggest problems Kolberg has: this was such a do-or-die project for Nazi Germany (as long as Harlan did as Goebbels told him, Harlan wouldn't die) that it seems we are witnessing the final at-bat of a losing team whose prospects get worse and worse with every game. This is compounded by everything we see onscreen being a swing and a miss.

Make no mistake, though: every resource at their disposal was used, and seeing that Goebbels was pretty much in the position to put EVERYTHING in this movie (including the Spüle), that it was for certain that Kolberg might as well have been sitting in a comfy chair while it had its slippers fetched.

What do I mean?

Nazi troops were removed from active duty along the Eastern front to act as extras - mainly soldiers - for several months worth of filming.

What troops were holding the line against the Russians were lower on ammunition than usual because factories were churning out many thousands of blank rounds for the movie extras' guns and rifles.

Many civilians went hungry due to railroad deliveries of food to towns being held up because up to 100 boxcars filled with salt were being routed to the Neustettin set to act as snow for Christmas scenes.

While homes and businesses throughout Germany remained bombed out and utterly destroyed, carpenters worked on enormous sets to replicate the Napoleonic-era town of Kolberg.

So... uhh, yeah; fortunately this was all for the good of the German war effort, or this kind of excess would be unforgivable.

The mawkish script was filmed, roles were overacted, there were battle scenes consisting of 187,000 troops of Nazi soldiers (that's 187,000 troops - not individual soldiers - TROOPS), and once all was seig heiled and done, the whole movie ended up costing 8,500,000 marks; that's equivalent to a little over 5,500,000 U.S. Dollars or so. At the time, this was - ÜBERRASCHUNG! - the most expensive film ever made in Germany at the time. And why shouldn't it be? For Kolberg had a huge scope to encompass, was all in color (because this was basically a Nordic Gone With The Wind, you know) and featured more Nazis than there were stars in the heavens.

There was just one problem, of many, that kept this film from being the big money maker that it could have been. Not only was this something that only a true German could or would appreciate, there was also the slight inconvenience that, with nearly every single building in occupied Germany bombed into rubble and Allied forces occupying 85% of the Fatherland, where - exactly - were they planning on debuting Kolberg?

And to whom? Any intelligent German was in the safety of their bunker instead of out in the open where there were bombs and bullets flying all over. Who in their right mind would brave all that violence just to catch a movie? You can bet if we were under heavy gunfire here in The States during WW2 and there was supposed to be a premiere of Yankee Doodle Dandy or something like that, John Q. Public and his fam would resist the urge to be patriotic.

In fact, it took a parachuting behind-the-lines to a still-standing movie theater in the French city of La Rochelle to get the debut reel of Kolberg to a debut showing. All for the German soldiers and officers therein, if no one else.

Now, as far as a movie goes, this is just no more or less than your average propoganda flick, with a heapin' helpin' of Nazi sentiment and overbearing thrown in. Did it break even? I'm gonna guess no, even though the final tally is a close-guarded secret, probably one that Goebbels took to the bunker with him at the end.

In fact, everybody who worked on this film suffered. Söderbaum had several nervous breakdowns before dying. Harlan suffered many heart attacks until succumbing to cancer. George died in a Russian prisoner of war camp. Goebbels killed himself and his family a day after Hitler died. Not that all of their fates were due to Kolberg, but this flick certainly wasn't inducive to a long and happy life.

So, Kolberg is pretty to look at, has larger-than-life performances, but the only thing anyone who watches it will come away with is a clinical vision of what-it-takes-to-roust-a-people. Needless to say, it didn't do the job it was intended for, since Nazism fell around the same time Hitler did and - much like the swastika - Kolberg is something most people don't like to talk about.

But Dope, those who like to play fair are no doubt saying, isn't Kolberg one of those films that people are going to watch with prejudice anyway? After all, it was made by Nazis! How can anyone block that out and judge it on its own merits?

Okay, fair enough. Let me just look at Kolberg on face value merits alone. Good colors. Big crowds. Loud music. Fancy costumes. Sentiment out the hoohah. A few changes and this could be a Frank Capra joint. Sure. After all, he dealt with obvious dollops of glurge in several of his films. All Kolberg is, to be honest, is glurge with a side order of sauerkraut.

And just like that combination, Kolberg is guaranteed to give the innocent viewer a bad case of heartburn.

Happy Ernest Borgnine's Birthday!

2012-01-24T22:42:00.000-05:00

95 years young!

Try and do as good at this age yourself, losers! I mean, we have a man who has been in Marty, From Here To Eternity, Barabbas, Emperor Of The North, The Flight Of The Phoenix, The Dirty Dozen, The Black Hole, Escape From New York, The Poseidon Adventure, The Wild Bunch, and so many other good things; he ruled in all of those just by standing there and talking. My favorite TV show has always been "McHale's Navy", and it's been without hesitation that I recommend anything that he's been in.

Heck, I even liked Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders!

I checked and found out this man has been in over 200 projects. That's 200-plus. The man has had a career that anyone nowadays would be envious of. And he's won awards for it, too. Big awards.

You certainly couldn't ask for a more expressive face, that's for sure!

Who else can survive being married to Ethel Merman for a month? YOU sure couldn't!

How many actors working today can you name who hold their own acting alongside a sponge? Not too many, I wager.

And so let us celebrate the man the best way that I (and especially this site) know how - by going to church. Or at least, a church.

Happy birthday, big man.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Oscar Time Yet Again! Who Wins Yet Again? Who Loses Yet Again?

2012-01-24T21:33:00.002-05:00

Aw geez, what in the, I don't... you can't be... THIS again??

Well, mistakenly thinking that humanity got all of this nonsense out of their system last year after the one-two punch of Whatserface and Whoever hosting the last Celebrity Backslap Festival, I wasn't really expecting there to be much to this year's "celebration".

However, what with Billy Crystal back to be host like 99.9% of humanity wanted since he left, maybe this year will be better - and by better I mean "bearable to watch".

...can you sense that I'm not an Oscar fan?

Not one for seeing actors acting all surprised that humanity really really likes them, I'm not all for watching a seven-to-eight hour celebration of all things smarmy live from Golden Statue Guy Central.

I've better things to do... speaking of which, I'm sure I have to watch my hair that night... but as I proved the last couple of times I did this, I seem to have an uncanny knack for choosing these things.

And no, not the winner... I mean THE LOSERS.

(alright, alright - I knew this would come up! So last year I misjudged the director winner/loser - who would have guessed that Tom Hooper would have won anything? I mean, come on - Tom Hooper?? So I was off on that one, so what? IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.)

So with that out of the way, let me get to Oscar night's big losers:

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BEST PICTURE

The Artist

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

The Help

Hugo

Midnight in Paris

Moneyball

The Tree of Life

War Horse

The Descendants - Okay, this one is actually pretty much of a no-brainer; we have a whole bunch of high-prestige pics here by high-prestige directors. Then we have George Clooney in Hawaii. Let's face it: he hasn't had that much luck of a lucky streak. Besides which, I thought he gave "the performance of his career" with that Up In The Air flick of his. As far as an award-winner goes, ...meh, prolly not.

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BEST ACTOR

George Clooney (The Descendants)

Jean Dujardin (The Artist)

Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy)

Brad Pitt (Moneyball)

Demián Bichir (A Better Life) - I think it's a safe bet that any actor, when put up alongside Gary Oldman, will be left wanting. Just ask Christian Bale. But even next to Clooney and Pitt, it's gonna be a popularity contest. And between the lesser-knowns here this time, I think the smart money will be to bet on the film that most people have actually heard of. Show of hands; who here has actually seen A Better Life at the multiplex downtown next to Piggly Wiggly? There ya go. Sorry, Demián.

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BEST ACTRESS

Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs)

Viola Davis (The Help)

Rooney Mara (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)

Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)

Michelle Williams (My Week With Marilyn) - okay, now let's look at it this way; we have big-time callbacks in Close and Streep, and even a huge breakthrough with Mara. I could have gone and said that Davis had no chance, but would have undermined how good a job she actually did. With Williams, the only person who actually won That Award for impersonating another actor was Martin Landau doing his Bela Lugosi imitation. Michelle... well, let's just say that she's no Martin Landau.

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BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Kenneth Branagh (My Week With Marilyn)

Nick Nolte (Warrior)

Christopher Plummer (Beginners)

Max von Sydow (Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close)

Jonah Hill (Moneyball) - Jonah, come here a sec, buddy. Look over there. You see Kenneth, Nick, Chris and Max over there? You see what they're doing? Yeah, they're looking at you. See what else they're doing? Yeah... they're shaking their heads. Know why? 'Cause they're realizing they're sharing a list with the kid who was in Superbad and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Sorry buddy. Maybe next... uh... six or seven years from now, maybe?

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BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Bérénice Bejo (The Artist)

Jessica Chastain (The Help)

Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids)

Octavia Spencer (The Help)

Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs) - Who? yeah, I haven't heard of her either. And I usually don't let that bother me, but in this case, there's something about Janet that just makes me think that maybe she shouldn't be on this list of nominees. Maybe it's the look on her face that says, "ehhh, okayyyy, why am I here??" - good question, Jan.

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BEST DIRECTOR

Michel Hazanavicius (The Artist)

Alexander Payne (The Descendants)

Martin Scorcese (Hugo)

Terrence Malick (The Tree of Life)

Woody Allen (Midnight in Paris) - Oh no I di'int! Oh yes I did! Woody films are great, and I think he is one of the great living directors when it comes to comedies and romantic films in general. I even liked Crimes And Misdemeanors (remember that one?) - but up against Scorcese and Malick and Hazavazakaza... that guy who did The Artist, the competition is exceptionally tough this year and though my track record was tarnished last year by my Director choice... but this year I'm pretty confident... even if I chose Payne, I'd think "sorry Woody - you know we love ya".

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BEST ANIMATED FILM

Chico & Rita

Kung Fu Panda 2

Puss in Boots

Rango

A Cat in Paris - What's this?? A year without a Pixar movie in the offing?? That's like going to the beach and not getting sand in something. So to speak. But it seems as if the offerings all seem to be on an even keel this year - and we have TWO Dreamworks products to choose from this time out! Could this be their year? Who knows; all I do know is it's not the year for an average French animated flick. It just don't wash, mon ami.

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Well, here we go then. Let's take these predictions to the bank and see what kind of interest we draw. See you in a month, nom noms.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Maybe I Don't WANNA Have A Zombie Apocalypse After All....

2012-01-22T13:45:00.000-05:00

This little placard (Created by Oatmeal) gives me the supposedly comforting realization that I would last juuuust over an hour before succumbing to zombification.

Which means that, just like everybody else, when I'm bitten by a zombie, I'll be pretty much screwed; just not as bad someone who's more susceptible to colds and flu would be.

Okay, fair enough; I am relatively healthy, I don't sweat on relatively cool days, nor do I smoke or anything else, so I'd say I'm in the upper percentile of humanity who don't have to walk through the doors of Wal-Mart sideways. I can run, at least....

I guess this brings me to the realization that if I'm going to avoid such a fate, as becoming a zombie to begin with, I'll just have to guard against becoming a zombie altogether.

Again, all well and good, but how does one, exactly, guard against coming across zombies or, if they are indeed coming towards you, avoiding contact?

I think I got it:

WEAPONS

These are a must to begin with; guns with lots of ammo, preferably the sawed-off variety or anything that causes mass damage and trauma to the brain works (always aim for the head, that's the common agreement). And at least know people who have a good stockpile and know how to use them and where to keep their supply up.

Any sharp objects with long handles on them are good (the more distance you can keep between yourself and them the better), or even something that will give them blunt force trauma is good (sledgehammer, shovel, thick metal clubs, axe handles - if not axes).

CANNED FOOD

That goes without saying. Fresh food will be a thing of the past for most of us, so you need to keep up your strength - anything canned will stay fresh; nothing that requires refrigeration, just open it and fry it up or, better yet, open and eat out of the can.

And this is important: NEVER NEVER EVER depend on an electric can opener - just use the cheapie hand-crank / hand-twist jobbies. You can get them at any dollar store, just get a couple of them, because you KNOW you could never find one ever before the zombies got here....

BOTTLED WATER

Get your hands on as much of this as you possibly can. It doesn't matter what brand you get, but get a lot and keep it cool and out of the way until you need it.

After running and scrambling away from zombies and struggling to separate the heads from the bodies and all, that can take a lot out of you. Keep hydrated.

Which brings up another valid point...

KEEP AS CLEAN AS POSSIBLE

Outdoor showers, public shower stalls, little set-ups on the beach; use what you can. There's a two-fold reason for this:

1) this will greatly reduce the risk of infection and help keep you fresh and un-smelly - see, that way the zombies won't even be able to smell you out, either... you know how zombies are, and

2) with all of these un-infected people out there aiming to blow the heads off of any brainless brain-eater out there, who's the first person they're gonna aim for? Right: the blood-stained, ragged, unkempt unshaven jerk staggering towards them.

And this is so important: try to use a non-fragranced soap. If zombies can smell body odor, they can smell your Axe too, bro.

But this is the most important thing that you can remember to keep with you at all times.

FRIENDS

Lots of friends.

Good, close friends that know how to use weapons and watch your back.

But most importantly - slow, clumsy friends that you know will stumble all over themselves as you're all running from oncoming hordes of the undead; that'll give you a good head start to run and set up an attack perimeter.

Plus, their deaths will strengthen your resolve to destroy the zombies in their honor and yada yada yada....

Follow all of this and you too should be able to survive any zombie apocalypse AND reduce your chance of getting bitten and infected.

So now if you'll excuse me, I got a lot of shopping at Sam's Club to do. Hope they carry shotgun shells....

Dope out.

- TGWD

Hello?

2012-01-21T14:20:00.001-05:00

There is nothing I could logically add to how amazing the video you are about to see truly is.

All I can say is... watch:

That's it; that is as awesome as your day will get. You can go back to bed now.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Hanna Gaddafi Likes Me!

2012-01-20T22:49:00.000-05:00

Well, it looks as if I got me a secret admirer!

Apparently, Hanna Gaddafi, the adopted daughter of recently-killed Libyan dictator Muamaar (or Moamaarr, or MalloMar) Gaddafi has caught up with me after a long absence from the limelight.

Seems everyone thought she died in a bombing back in 1986 (Remember? It was in all the news...) and just recently she was found working as a doctor in Tripoli.

The only reason I found this out myself is because she took time out of her busy medical schedule to drop me - that's right: ME - a line to let me know she was alive and well, and now she wants to hook up with me after a long absence and she might also have needed a favor.

*sigh* Why is it that women only want me when they want something?

Guess I shouldn't complain, seeing that usually the only way I can get a woman to go after me is steal her purse. Ba-dum-boom.

But don't take my word for it: here's the e-mail I just got from her today:

MY name is Hanna Gaddafi, am 26yrs old adopted daughter of late Libyan Leader, President Maummar Gaddafi. I have lost the contact of my intended recipient who is our family friend, I will advice you ignore this massage if you're not the intended recipient and promise me that you will keep all the information about me quite confidential because of the arrest warrant place on me by the Libyan NTC and international Interpol. I escaped LIBYA through the help of my father's military personnel pilot who piloted the helicopter through Mali and Algeria Border, but he was able to land at Manllaville border due to refuel Notice. I continue my journey to Benin republic after negotiations with Mali and Republic of Niger Government to grant me asylum, they try to help me but sound it as warning that we might be arrested by the Interpol because some of my family members were there before my arrival.

I lost everything in life but i was able to flee with my Father's 300 bar GOLD, 200KGS Gadafi image gold worth $12 million US Dollars. My experience during eight months war between Libyan national transitional council and Gadaffi loyalist was terrible. There was a demand of the Gold at auction price of $200 Million US Dollars by the King of Brunei, American billionaires and some Paris club members. My Dad knew he will die and he decided to favour me with gold.

He told me that i want to reward you today for taking care of me, after my graduation from University as Medical Doctor. My father decided not to travel out for medicals because he so much believes in me. My brothers are looking for me after they heard that the gold is with me. Most of my brothers are bank ruptcy due to the sanction on my late father's Fund in IMF, Europe and America. They hope to raise fund from the gold that is why they are after my life.

i have been very far from them because they have a lot of empire and never want me to progress because they believe am not their father's biological daughter, Most of them see me as family Doctor.I am living in a refugee camp belong to Catholic Mission in port novo, Benin republic now. I got information two months ago from Africa Development Bank that a Fund which my father will on my behalf as next of kin was granted amnesty and was not part of the frozen account claim by IMF. I am looking for my friends and hope to get new friends who are capable to help me transfer all my properties to foreign country where I can start a new life and become happy. but I will categorically like to inform you that if you're ready to help me you should be ready to travel down here so that I can know better the person am about to work with. I will sound this as warning to anyone who is interested to help me transfer all my properties to his or her country should be a capable hand who has legitimate registered company.

I want to assure you that this transaction is risk free because i have all documents that prove i am the legitimate owner of the funds and properties. I promise to give you 20% of the funds and properties, 10% in your expanse and you shall keep 70% for me as I join flight to your Country. You can contact me through office of Rev Father Modesta Nicolas, he is a nice American revered father here,

contact INFO- +229-946-84-378.

kindly indicates your interest by sending me the Photo copy of your ID card, passport and other valuable Info.

1. Full Names
2. Full Contact Address (physical)
3. Telephone numbers and fax
4. Profession
5.Nationality
wikipedia.org/wiki/Muammar_al-Gaddafi
My kind regard to you and your Family
Miss Hanna Gaddafi.

Oh yeah. She wants me. I'm in like flynn, baby.

Guess the next time I talk to you guys I'll be basking in the Riviera with my main squeeze Hanna.

Ha! See ya on the beach, suckas!

Dope out.

- TGWD

Happy Paul McCrane's Birthday!

2012-01-19T21:44:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody, it's Paul McCrane's birthday! Let's all raise a glass to....

Paul McCrane. Yes, it's his birth....

Paul Mc....

Oh come on, you know who Paul McCrane is.

Yes, you do!

You've seen him before.

He's been in stuff. Yeah; stuff you've seen.

TV.

Movies.

Stuff.

Like, uh....

...

He was in "ER". Right, and... uh....

OH! He was in THIS (NSFW for language and goopy stuff):

Yeah, now you know him.

Happy birthday, slimy... uh, Paul.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Batman Forever (1995)

2012-01-18T19:35:00.001-05:00

I'll give you this much for free: of all the Batman movies, this is the one which comes closest to capturing the spirit of the Sixties TV series AND the noir-ish feel of the graphic novels. Matter of fact, this comes so frustratingly close to being a really good Batman movie that its lapses all but undermine it completely.

I can't remember the last time I saw a film that raised my hopes so high only to let them drop so hard. This is like finding out there really is a Santa Claus, only to discover he's Tim Allen.

And Batman Forever should have risen far higher than its predecessors in scope as well as spirit, seeing that Tim Burton - previous director of 1989's Batman and 1992's Batman Returns - stepped away from the camera to serve as producer.... Which means people on set would ask him, "can we do such-and-such on this scene?", and he said "sure, why not?" and he got paid for it. Nice gig.

This time out, Joel Schumacher lensed our installment; the man who directed such heroic efforts as 1983's DC Cab, 1985's (!!) St. Elmo's Fire and 1987's The Lost Boys. Yes.

And now that you know what to expect, vision-wise, allow me to bat-a-pult some plot to you: after a few years, little has changed about Bruce Wayne or his alter-ego Batman (save for the fact that he's now being played by Val Kilmer), but the threats to Gotham City have changed now that they are confronted by a decidedly-different pair of threats.

One of them is former District Attorney Harvery Dent, whose battles against the evil of Gotham in court result in his being transformed from Billy Dee Williams and becoming the disfigured Two-Face (and subsequently, Tommy Lee Jones). And he is soon joined by a disgruntled and highly intelligent Edward Nygma (Jim Carrey), who has been fired from Wayne Enterprises because his work brings up "too-many-questions". He creates a device which transfers brain power from a subject to its host, increasing his own IQ and creating new villain The Riddler.

Meanwhile, Wayne is discovering more complications on his professional and personal fronts as The Caped Crusader becomes the romantic infatuation of psychiatrist Chase Meridan (Nicole Kidman), and circus acrobat Dick Grayson (Chris O'Donnell) witnesses the deaths of his family members by Two-Face and becomes Wayne's ward and, eventually, a new hot-tempered ally in the fight against the dark forces of Gotham by becoming Robin.

Where do I begin on this? How about the fact that instead of a black and gray palette to paint from we now have a neon-bright paint job over 85% of the scenes? Even when they don't make sense? I guess I have myself to blame here, complaining at how dark and depressing the last two films looked.

This time out we not only have reflective day-glow reds and yellows and blues, they come at us in a rapid-fire succession of scenes that make it look as if this movie was sponsored by a grant from Crayola Markers, Inc.; witness a fight scene where the lights are turned down so that a street gang's war paint makes them all look like a Sesame Street interpretative dance group. This is an improvement? Even in Batman Returns, The Penguin's gang of circus-themed street toughs all looked appropriately menacing.

At least Schumacher cannot be faulted when it comes to the occasional tilted lens that interprets a panel of a comic/graphic novel and quick shots and cuts for the many action scenes and fights that pepper their way throughout. Writers Lee Batchler, Janet Scott Batchler and Akiva Goldsman make this more of an action-packed adventure with set pieces like the beginning bank robbery, many later attacks by Two-Face's goons and the extended final assault on the bad guys' island lair. That's good, and better than two hours-plus of psychological introspection when we are expecting more BAM! BIFF! POW! and the like. We get that here, and then some.

At least we have a game cast; Kilmer was still in more-or-less fighting shape and lends boyish charm and pouty good looks to Bruce Wayne's scarred psyche. Not that seeing Iceman or Nick Rivers fight crime is necessarily a good thing, but he at least gives us the idea that we have someone headlining that has the appeal of an Adam West. No offense to Michael Keaton, but it always seemed he had to hold all of his considerable charm at bay to play a tormented anti-hero. At least Kilmer had a little more experience in this field and makes a decent-enough transition in, what with Top Secret!, Top Gun, Willow and Tombstone to build an action resume from.

But is it me or was there so much homoerotic subtext in the Batchler/Goldsman script and Schumacher's direction that Burton must've spoke up with a "whoops, better add a love interest, there". Seriously; we have talk of hanging out in biker bars, male bonding, guys wearing earrings, so much black leather and rubber, Batsuits with nipples on them and flashed Bat-buttocks that the sight of Chase Meridian in the lithe form of Nicole Kidman seems to come out of left field. It's pretty sad when the addition of an actress like Kidman, so great in films like Dead Calm, Malice and To Die For, seems added-in as an antidote for an overall theme of homo-eroticism in a movie. Not that she isn't sexy but she is, to be honest, unnecessary - more than a nod to Kim Basinger's Vicki Vale from 1989: the object to be endangered and kidnapped later on. Too bad.

Now as far as necessity goes, we at least get the long sought-after addition of Robin to the proceedings. So many names and directions to go were discussed (even Marlon Wayans, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ewan McGregor and both Coreys - Haim and Feldman - were considered) before settling on Chris O'Donnell. This was a step-up for him as the troubled Dick Grayson, whose personae was established as he saved a circus assemblage from a bomb as Two-Face sent the remainder of his family tumbling to their deaths from the high-wire. In fact, this is played with a tad further from the comics version, where it was just happenstance. Still, he becomes the heroic/tragic figure we expect, with a dash of cocky, brash upstart thrown in as counter to The Bat's brooding. It often plays as it looks, though: annoying and juvenile, as O'Donnell plays it like a kid who doesn't know any better. But hey, I didn't lose my family in a high-wire accident either.

For the villains: since they liked the dual aesthetic of a villainous duo so much in Batman Returns, it's decided to keep that wagon train a-rollin' with two threats. Jim Carrey plays Ed Nygma and Riddler about as we would expect: over-the-top and rubbery of face. He even affects a Frank Gorshin-like cackle at one point, which was good to hear. It can't be said that he gives a realistic portrayal of a villain, when all he's asked to do is his patented anything-goes schtick in a green unitard. However, Tommy Lee Jones does his level best to underplay AND overplay as Dent/Two-Face, flipping his coin repeatedly to judge who lives and who dies, speaking out different sides of his face when necessary and wearing a suit that's half-businessman and half-Cirque De Soleil clown. When put together, however, it's clear that Carrey and Jones are in direct competition with each other in terms of overacting, overreaching and just plain over-compensating with shots, cries, laughter and in-your-face mugging.

Old standbys to the series Michael Gough (as faithful butler Alfred) and Pat Hingle (as Commissioner Gordon) do everything as they should and are, by definition, faultless. Sad to say that they are almost glossed-over in favor of such one-shots as beauties Drew Barrymore and Debi Mazar as Two-Face hench-women Sugar and Spice (respectively), who say a couple of lines but more than anything stand around and look sexy for their parts and that's about the extent.

We even get throw-away roles for the likes of Ed Begley Jr., Don "The Dragon" Wilson, and blink-and-you'll-miss-it parts for Jon (Swingers) Favreau and girl group En Vogue. So the intention to throw anything and everything (and everyone) into this movie is there on the screen, and we even have the efforts of cinematographer Stephen Goldblatt (who's worked on Outland, The Cotton Club and the first two Lethal Weapons) and production design by Barbara Ling (from True Stories, Less Than Zero, Kilmer's The Doors and Fried Green Tomatoes), so the look, the effort and the talent is all in place.

Why, then, didn't it come together as a Batman movie?

It's too much. There's too much production, there's too much sound, there's too many characters, there's too much surrounding mess and melee and there's WAY too much visual input to try and take in while you're trying to concentrate on overacting and over-modulating. This movie is two hours long and does its utmost to cram as much overt detail to make sure every sense in your body is screaming from the overload.

Apparently Schumacher is trying to make a movie for the attention-deficient audience of today; Batman Forever makes sure there is something going on in every frame of film - even if it defies sense and, in one particular chase scene where the BatMobile drives up the side of a building, defies gravity - so that your eyes, ears and attention is all on the screen from frame one to frame last. And while I admit this is closer to the spirit of a live-action comic book (maybe not a graphic novel - too colorful), it seems we get more than we bargained for in a story about Batman.

This becomes less about Batman and his adventures and more about what it takes to keep peoples' interests nowadays. Imagine if Joel Schumacher had made a movie like Apocalypse Now; there'd be multi-colored explosions throughout and every scene would have some sort of neon color scheme to it. The story? Let's not even go there....

It seemed to work for Warner Bros., et al, however: this $100 million flick earned back over $336 million worldwide and paved the way for another Bat flick with more chills and spills and, to be sure, more of the same of what we got this time. Incredible what a little bright paint and overactive Dolby Stereo sound will do for you.

While I did enjoy Batman Forever more than I did the last two Batman flicks, I still cannot recommend that you see it. Why? Because while there is more of everything you go to movies for in this, it still squeezes sense and motivation out of a story which should be all about them both. Everyone tries, but they try too hard and a little thing like nuance and character is lost.

I still miss the simplicity (if it can be called that in retrospect) of Superman: The Movie, where they took the time to introduce, develop and create a hero who makes it his mission to protect humanity, not because he has to or because it's his duty but because he knows it is what's right to do. Such a simple truth is forgotten in Batman Forever, even when Val/Bats declares he is Batman not because he has to be but because he chooses to be.

Why even bother, when it's clear that no one's even going to pay attention to your heroics for all the other stuff going on around you? That in itself is a dilemma Bruce Wayne probably never even considered - not that he could have heard himself think, anyway....

Four Reasons Why My Childhood Was Screwed-Up

2012-01-16T22:25:00.001-05:00

Many of my regular readers already know that some of my tastes in things are pretty messed-up.

I understand that.

Many of those people also understand that there are a few things that outright frightened the ever-lovin' bejeebers out of me and my fragile little brain.

Which explains why I am why I am.

Therefore, it is to be understood that without any of these things that happened to me in my tender youth, I would not be here today blogging about the weird, freaky, unusual stuff that I do.

It all had to have come from somewhere, you know.

So with that in mind, I am about to discuss some of the things I've seen on television whilst growing up that made me... what I wound up being.

These aren't the kind of things you'd expect, though; like ads for the 1978 movie Magic (please don't make me go there with that freaky ventriloquist doll talkin' straight at me - go YouTube that hellspawn yourself)... these are your average, garden-variety television ads about... well... let's just count down to the worst of the lot and let me explain them as I go.

4) Mr. Yuk (anti-household cleaner drinking commercial)

Back in the Seventies, people would put anything in their mouths. You ever watch Boogie Nights? That was only the top of the iceberg, kids. The Ad Council needed to educate kids to NOT open up the kitchen sink and drink the Drano, so instead of coming right out and saying, "hey kids; DON'T DRINK THE DRANO!", they came up with the "Mr. Yuk" green face sticking his tongue out, plastered all over every nasty chemical that kids should never never never ever imbibe, and advertised the heck out of it in the Seventies, usually during Saturday morning cartoon time. I always called him the "Chosophugh" guy because of the abbreviation on top of his head. That was just me.

The kids hunched over, all green and sickly - DYING - always made me uneasy as a youth. Guess it got the point across, seeing as I've never made myself a Clorox Colada growing up. I'm sure I'm not the only one this one freaked out, but I was the only one in MY house (only child, y'know...).

3) The Hanna-Barbera Drug Ad

I remember seeing this waaaaay back when I wasn't even in first grade; how could I miss it? Hanna-Barbera Studios made it, with a whole bunch of colorful, almost Peter Max-ish imagery to tell a wordless story of a "typical" teen starting with your "typical" gateway drug, being led into other drugs and going on to the end where... well, it is memorable.

The very last couple of seconds were what slammed the lid shut on you after that lead-in. Amazing, how much you can remember when you're reintroduced to a traumatic event. Yeesh.

2) Smokey Bear Speaks To The Guys Out There

Oh, this thing: you have absolutely no way of knowing where it was going until this beautiful lady (Joanna Cassidy!), starts mentioning the woods, careless fires and so forth.... THEN comes the 0:21 second mark where she bends her head down and... oh my GOD... the eyes... the teeth... that sickening slide of skin off of fur.... I didn't even WANT to go near the woods for ages after that. Would YOU want to??? Frightening.

But that is nothing compared to the last example I have here:

1) Anti-Heroin Cymbal Monkey

Let me set the mood for you: I had just finished watching "The Carol Burnett Show", finished laughing at some good old-fashioned sight gags and pratfalls and Tim Conway being Tim Conway. After something like this I was used to watching something along the lines of an ad for next week's programming or an ad for a comedy coming on the next night.

Seems that in the early Seventies there was a lot of drugs swirling around (you don't say?), so the Ad Council felt it necessary to prevent humanity in general from taking any of them. Heroin in particular, I suppose.

So then imagine the delight of a pre-teen like myself seeing one of those cute little monkeys hopping about, clinking his cymbals together oh-so-cutely as a little girl talks about how she heard heroin is like "having a monkey on your back". Yeah, isn't that cute? It sounds cute, yeah... then the monkey stops clinking his cymbals.

This. HORRIFIED. Me.

In fact, I only saw this a couple more times growing up... and ran out of the room at top speed, hands over my ears, when I saw that damned little thing hopping around. Because I knew what was coming.

Tell you what, though; I'll bet you anyone who saw this ad went cold turkey after catching a load of that monkey.

I hope you're all satisfied; my flesh is crawling with chills after writing this. The things I do to make you people feel my pain. At least now you should understand where I'm coming from when I write what I write and why I fear what I do.

In short, I fear green faces, cartoon drug, skin-wearing bears and cymbal monkeys. Not necessarily in that order.

Sweet dreams.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Happy John Carpenter's Birthday!

2012-01-16T20:13:00.001-05:00

I realize that I've given this poor guy grief for not living up to what I perceived to be an unlivable-up-to charge out of the gate with such early flicks as the science fiction comedy Dark Star and the cop action flick Assault On Precinct 13, not to mention the classic 1978 phenomenon known as Halloween.

Not to say that his career hasn't had some very interesting highlights. After all, any man who can be responsible for such works as The Fog, Escape From New York, The Thing (1982), Starman, Big Trouble In Little China, Prince Of Darkness, They Live, Memoirs Of An Invisible Man, In The Mouth Of Madness, Escape From LA and Vampires is nothing short of an artist.

Heck, he even brought us a made-for-TV biopic on the life of Elvis Presley (and a featured role for his go-to actor Kurt Russell). John has vision, imagination, a capability to make every frame of film look like an art exhibit and nothing short of a reputation as a... alright, I'll say it... legend.

Besides all of that, for five years this man had the luck to be married to first-in-line casting choice Adrienne Barbeau.

Let me repeat that: this man:

Was for five years married to this woman:

Instead of commenting further, let's just satisfy ourselves with this expected video posting of what can only be called the ultimate compliment: a positive review of Halloween from two of its most outspoken haters - (Gene) Siskel and (Roger) Ebert.

Happy b-day, Mister C.

Dope out.

- TGWD

The Most Random Post I've Ever Made...

2012-01-15T23:22:00.000-05:00

Ladies and germs, the title says it all.

Don't ask me why I did this.

I have no idea; it just seemed... something to do.

So, here we go.

Well, there we go. I don't see any serious repercussions for a post like this, myself.

Uh.... I gotta go.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Invention Exchanges - The Joel Years

2012-01-15T14:07:00.000-05:00

I love Mystery Science Theater 3000! Boy, I love Mystery Science Theater 3000! I really love Mystery Science Theater 3000! Have I mentioned that I love Mystery Science Theater 3000?

Well, I love Mystery Science Theater 3000, one of the funniest things I have ever seen, and more consistently funny than a lot of other TV movie hosts I have seen in a while (well, maybe not as much so as Sinister Seymour, but a danged close second).

Not only did I love the many many episodes of this fine program (and own them all too - long story), I also enjoyed the Invention Exchanges that took place between captive Joel Robinson (Joel Hodgson) and evil Mad Scientist Clayton Forrester (Trace Beaulieu) and TV's Frank (Frank Conniff). Seems they had an ongoing competition between the two camps so as to claim superiority in inventiveness and/or twisted logic.

This post deals with the Invention Exchanges that took place between Joel with assistance from his bots Crow (the gold one) and Tom Servo (the red one with the see-through head) and the boys down in Deep 13. Good stuff.

This exchange compares Joel's Dollaroid and The Mads' Facial Tissue (tissue with faces)...

Next is Joel's Don Martins footwear against The Mads' Evil Baseball Theme Nights...

Here we have Joel's "Mister Stuffing-Instead-Of -Potato-Head" versus The Mads' Pop Singer Tupperware Coffin (to retain Morissey's freshness)...

And finally we have a competition where they both try to outdo one another in the field of "BANG" guns, which escalates about as well as one would expect (right up to the part where Frank breaks the plunger handle)....

Wow. Really good times.

When I decide to follow up on a new segment of these, we will look at the Mike era of Invention exchanges and see how they compare. Bet they'll have fewer waffles.

A LOT fewer.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Movies You've Never Heard Of: The Stupidly Obvious Edition

2012-01-15T11:18:00.001-05:00

With this being a new year and all, I guess it would stand to reason if I believed there would be fewer and fewer movies out there that you, the innocent, starry-eyed viewer had not heard of.

After all, this is the Internet we're talking about here - where EVERYTHING is searchable and you can find any little thing your tiny black hardened heart desires. Even movies, as if Netflix and such were any indication of such.

There's something else afoot in this matter too, however; even though all of these movies are released to the public at large, there is no guarantee that the movie in question is going to be released then remembered. See? That's a whole other thing itself, ain't it?

Unless you have something memorable in front of the lens, it won't last very long up on the screen or in the VHS box. That can certainly be said for the subjects I've brought up here before.

And it's certainly true for the subject I'm talking about today. As a matter of fact, it would have been utterly forgotten forever if not for the fact that it was remade a few years ago.

What's that? A movie I never even heard of was remade?

Yes, Virginia.

And when I tell you the title, the proverbial head-slap will fall upon your own brow as well. Ready?

14. Man On Fire (1987)

director: Elie Chouraqui / writers: Elie Chouraqui, Sergio Donati / actors: Scott Glenn, Joe Pesci, Jade Malle

Yeah, see there? Huh? Sound familiar? It certainly should, if you remember as far back as 2004 - a little flick by Tony Scott, starred Denzel Washington and Dakota Fanning, made over $130 million worldwide... you feelin' me?

Well, it turns out this is practically the same film, save that instead of Denzel we get Scott Glenn (no relation to Tony), instead of Dakota we get Jade Malle (daughter of director Louis Malle) and instead of being a blockbuster hit it earned back less than $600,000 overall.

The plot, however, is the same: retired FBI agent (Glenn) agrees to bodyguard the daughter (Malle) of a businessman, the daughter is kidnapped and the agent, having grown close to the daughter, vows to return her at any cost.

There are many reasons this version failed to ignite as well as Scott's take on the tale. For one, Chouraqui's direction wasn't 1/10th as flashy, the budget was probably about 1/1000th of Scott's $70 million and the most damning thing of all... it was released by Tri-Star Pictures.

Not that it should matter who released the movie, but by the late Eighties, Tri-Star's star was well on the wane, money wasn't coming in like it should have and they ended up releasing such miniscule dreck as High Spirits, Slaves of New York, Sing and For Keeps. Oh sure, they'd survive and even prosper with better films (Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Jerry Maguire, As Good As It Gets), but it was an uphill climb.

There is no worse fallacy in Hollywood than releasing a film that no one will notice. It's worse still when that same film is taken and improved on (by a completely different studio, no less!). There's a reason that director Chouraqui hasn't had another major studio release since this take of Man On Fire... and Man On Fire is the best reason to cite for that.

Well, heck of a way to start a new year, ain't it? Shall we trudge on with more examples for the rest of the year? Yeah. Like it or not. Sorry.

Dope out.

- TGWD

The Official Mecha-Blog-Zilla Jason Voorhees Interview!

2012-01-12T22:23:00.001-05:00

Okay, seeing as tomorrow's Friday the 13th, and I already did a post about a certain slasher's birthday on the same day, I think it's about time I posted an interview that took place a while ago between yours truly and Mister Hockey Mask himself, Jason Voorhees.

How did I ace this? Actually, after the Charlie Sheen interview fiasco, I got an anonymous e-mail from someone who would only identify themselves as Krystle Laykes (may not have been her real name) who said she might know of someone who would have been a much better subject than he was... and who was certainly better as far as press goes.

Long story short (too late), I got an address and (figuring if you can't trust an anonymous tip from a complete stranger via e-mail what is there to trust) hightailed it to a private club located on the outskirts of Cedar Rapids, Iowa which was actually a pretty nice-looking joint overall. High-vaulted ceilings, fresco architecture, red velvet all over everything that wasn't polished mahogany and the smell of brandy and Cuban cigars in the air. Yep; high-falutin'.

A doorman led me to an easy chair in the rear next to a fireplace where there, seated with a brandy snifter and the latest issue of Fangoria was the killer of the hour, Mister Voorhees. He had his mask on, as I figured he would, but also a nice burgundy smoking jacket and red fez. I didn't ask about the fez; I thought it best.

THEGREATWHITEDOPE - Mister Voorhees, thanks so much for the interview.

JASON VOORHEES - Oh hey, please, call me Jason.

TGWD - Oh, thanks. I guess the first thing I have to ask you is, well, are you really as mad a slasher as you've been made out to be?

JV - (laughs) No, no. I don't really like slashing teenagers, to be perfectly honest. I love teenagers; they're my fanbase, after all.

TGWD - Really?

JV - Yeah, I'm really a homebody; much rather take time to catch up on my Janet Evanovich, Facebook, watch HGTV, macrame. I collect VHS tapes, too.

TGWD - Horror movies.

JV - Ronald Colman movies; what an actor. You ever see Bulldog Drummond?

TGWD - Uhhh....

JV - Terrific stuff. He was in the first version of Beau Geste in 1926, you know. And that voice, so mellow and....

TGWD - But the blood and guts, don't you...?

JV - Ewww!

TGWD - ...ewww?

JV - I hate that! Very squeamish. I don't even put ketchup on my hot dogs. Ecch.

TGWD - So, all this stuff about killing teenagers, terrorizing Camp Crystal Lake, all of that...?

JV - Oh yeah, here we go. To be totally honest, I almost drowned at Camp Cayuga up in the Poconos. Then my mom went and blew it all out of proportion, took it to the papers, got the bright idea to pitch the story to Paramount and....

TGWD - Hold it! Hold it, hold it... your MOM?

JV - ...Oh yeah; I had to be home-schooled for five years while she tried to build up my image, planted torn-up clothes around the woods, carved "Jason Was Here" in trees for miles around, all of that. I was so embarrassed....

TGWD - It's just that I thought that she... you know....

JV - Oh! Yeah, see, and there's something else! My mom was never killed; when the things in this movie took place, she was in Van Nuys getting a chin tuck. She got a $2 million deal plus residuals.

TGWD - Wow.

JV - Tell me about it. By the time the second movie came out, she said I could start playing myself. But I told her that I'd only do it if I wore a sack over my head.

TGWD - Which explains the sack, I guess.

JV - I thought The Town That Dreaded Sundown was a cool movie. It was no Ronald Colman joint, but it was okay.

TGWD - Well, I guess it was....

JV - I studied under Lee Strasberg, you know.

TGWD - ...huh?

JV - He told me that the best way to make yourself a menacing figure is by keeping yourself quiet and....

TGWD - Wait, wait a minute.

JV - What now?

TGWD - Lee Strasberg.

JV - Yeah.

TGWD - The acting teacher guy.

JV - Problem?

TGWD - So then why haven't your performances won any awards?

JV - Excuse me; MTV Movie Awards Lifetime Achievement? Hello!

TGWD - Oh come on, so you're on par with Chewbacca! Congrats!

JV - Oh give me a break! Chewbacca isn't even real! I'm real! I'm right here!

TGWD - So let me get this straight; you have a career as a Mad Slasher, despite the fact that you hate blood, don't like killing, you admit your mom set up this whole thing and you were even playing yourself in your own movies that were all made up to begin with. Is that about right?

JV - ...I don't think you appreciate talking to me.

TGWD - What....

JV - You know, maybe I don't want to talk to you anymore.

TGWD - Are you... crying?

JV - (sniffs) No! Leave me alone.

TGWD - Hey look, I... it's not like I....

JV - Go away!

It was right about here that he spilled his brandy, jumped up from his easy chair and stormed off to pout in the walk-in humidor. After five minutes, I was asked to leave by security after three guards went in to check on Jason when other members were complaining that his crying would make their Habanos soggy.

I guess this wasn't my proudest moment as a reviewer, seeing that I can't even get a coherent interview out of a guy in a hockey mask. Needless to say, I doubt I'll be getting any calls from Leatherface or Pinhead anytime soon. Probably for the best, under these circumstances.

Lesson to learn: members of the Voorhees family are too sensitive for their own good. Plus, the darndest people collect Ronald Colman movies.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Dead Alive (1992)

2012-01-10T20:13:00.000-05:00

Reaching down deep into the recesses of human understanding, it's hard to come up with a rationale for gross-out humor. For some non-too-apparent reason, it would seem there is an audience out there who thrives on the pus-filled, vomit-spewing antics of depraved maniacs. Not only do they thrive on it, they get a kick out of it.

Maybe it's something to do with gallows humor or the fact that their own defense mechanism against anything blatantly horrific and disgusting is outright laughter. I think it's the same mechanism they use to explain away their guffaws at the Monsieur Creosote scene in Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life (another review for another time) or to a lesser degree, any laughter at an Andrew "Dice" Clay concert.

This is the groundwork for a life in which not only is there no shame of any sort in laughing at life's misfortunes, but also the misfortunes of those hapless oafs in movies to whom the grossest and most disgusting things imaginable happen to them. Johnny Knoxville and those Jackass guys are grateful for such a thing, I'm sure.

And so it happens with any director or producer who plans to show people horrifying sights under the guise of entertainment... of course, there's always a little added insurance to this equation: make it a comedy.

Like I said earlier, gross-out humor is something there's an audience out there for, and the more gross and outlandish, the better.

The more of an imagination you have when you make a gross-out comedy movie, the better, too. And no one seems to understand that fact better than a man named Peter Jackson.

Heard of him? Probably, what with all that business with hobbits and ents and kings and rings and such. But even a talent such as Jackson started small, and he had to scrimp and scrape together a little calling card to get his theoretic foot into the entertainment world's theoretic door - that card being 1987's Bad Taste, a huge hit in Jackson's native New Zealand and a worldwide fave rave as well, due to its unbelievable sense of humor, big scale effects on a small scale budget, incredible explosions, and - in accordance with our discussion today - lotsa gross-out humor. And all for around $25,000. Not bad.

This happened to be his freshman effort, keep in mind; surely his sophomore work would be even more memorable. It was: that was 1989's Meet The Feebles, which was sort of a "Muppet Show" on massive doses of hallucinogens. Again, we were bombarded with gross-out images, vomiting rabbits, foxes singing about abhorrent sexual practices (well, abhorrent to some of us) and a finale more in line with something out of Oliver Stone's Scarface than a movie with animal puppets and musical numbers. Again, all done on the cheap ($750,000) and very popular - not to mention very profitable.

Maybe there's something to this gross-out humor after all, these producers were thinking to themselves, so why don't we let this Jackson fella have some more money and see what he can really let loose with.

Well, they asked for it.

The result was Jackson's junior effort, named Dead Alive, made for some $3 million. This was the most he'd ever worked with up to that point, but at least he kept his mind in the same place it had been with his other works.

...on being disgustingly funny.

This plot should revolt you... I mean, should convince you: A prologue shows how a dangerous Sumatran Rat-Monkey has been taken from a desert island through much running, chasing and chopping, to end up in a New Zealand zoo.

That's just a set-up; the REAL story deals with Lionel (Timothy Balme), a sniveling, cow-towing mama's boy who is charged with the duty of looking after his overbearing mother Vera (Elizabeth Moody). He ends up falling in love with local woman Paquita (Diana Peñalver) who believes that destiny has brought them together, much to Mum's chagrin.

During a date at the local... yes you guessed it... zoo, Vera tries to throw the outing off-kilter and is subsequently bitten by the same-said Sumatran R.M., which has the nasty after-effect of killing her... and the even nastier after-effect of zombifying her. It's only a matter of time before she rises from the dead as a powerful, bloodthirsty zombie. She soon lays waste to nurses (Brenda Kendall), priests (Stuart Devenie) and dogs alike.

What follows is an almost Rube Goldberg-esque series of incidents and accidents that turns most everybody else into zombies. The problem soon grows to mammoth proportions during a house party where hidden zombies in the basement are unleashed and both Lionel and Paquita must fight off hundreds of flesh-eaters with only their wits, ingenuity and various household appliances at their disposal. And what are we to do with Mum?

Now right there we have a a story that would knock 'em dead in the pages of Fangoria Magazine, let alone the local improv stage. First and foremost, Dead Alive is a comedy because who in their right mind could take something like this seriously? Certainly not Jackson, who masterminded such an astoundingly delirious tale of blood, death and custard, replete with zombification and Oedipus Complexes a go-go?

The story by Jackson, along with longtime scribe buddies Stephen Sinclair and Fran Walsh, is loaded to the brim with so many uncomfortable scenes, so many inappropriate turns of dialogue, so many disgusting scenes involving body parts, body fluid, body functions, and just plain bodies in general, that the only way one could approach this whole enterprise is with the idea that Stephen King somehow concocted a comedy with Salvador Dali as a producer and Terry Gilliam as director. Yeah, that sounds about right.

More than anything, Jackson keeps the same fire in his belly as with Bad Taste and Feebles, with so many big, boisterous scenes of such nastiness and guffaws that suggest an overly-imaginative teenage boy with an excess of both Red Bulls and Red Dye No. 5, not to mention access to "Totally Gross Jokes, Volume 2". Not a bad thing here; the sights here suggest that sprays of blood and intestines may very well have risen above their surface reactive qualities of disgust and become an art form in and of themselves. As essayed by Henny Youngman.

How else to describe scenes where Zombie Vera ingests Paquita's poor little dog, only to have it pulled out of her throat by dutiful son Lionel, who defends Mum to the last as Paquita accuses her of eating her dog ("Not all of it!")? Or how about the scene where the Zombie Nurse and Zombie Ex-Priest have a Zombie Baby together, which Lionel has to take out for some fresh air, only to have it attack him and force Lionel to wrestle it from swing set to jungle gym on a playground? Then there's the final scene where a lawn mover is used to devastating effect to effectively rid a house of zombified party-goers, resulting in one of the ABSOLUTELY goriest and bloodiest scenes ever put on film... and also one of the funniest. Leave out a few details of blood and body parts and this could very well play as a Three Stooges routine.

That could also be said of the entirety of Dead Alive. Such earnest performances by Balme as the wiry, sensitive and put-upon Lionel and Peñalver as the eternal optimist Paquita are exceptions to such equally earnest yet over-the-top performances by Moody as the nasty, grasping shrew of a mother or Ian Watkin as dear depraved Uncle Les (who is equal parts perverted uncle and slovenly acquaintance, but handy with meat cleavers). And lest we forget the gung-ho Devenie as the particularly lethal Father McGruder, who can deliver last rights and roundhouse rights to the head in equal measure.

And what a great-looking film Jackson was able to deliver for this budget! Even a budget of $3 million seems paltry by modern standards (let alone by Nineties standards), where the average horror movie needs at least a cool $15-$20 million just to qualify as a "sleeper". But Jackson, ever the resourceful lad who blew up houses and sheep in Bad Taste, delivers small-scale replicas of entire towns, zombie makeup, entire rooms full of cadavers, crawling intestines, faces with skin slowly peeled from them, skulls pulled apart by zombie babies, monstrous mothers who eat their sons with their zombified wombs and enough explosions and destruction to make most other action directors green with envy. To say that he accomplishes what he sets out to do is not enough: Peter Jackson proves that the first two times were definitely NOT twin flukes.

So it went that this film, which earned more in its initial release in New Zealand than Batman Returns did the same year therein, would become one of the most (in)famous films ever. Rentals of the movie coming complete with barf bags, 300 liters of blood used for the finale, how could it not become anything more than an legend in the field of comedy/horror?

Which brings me to another point: it's almost always classified as a comedy. Sometimes comedy/horror. But never as a straight-up horror film. Much like the same classification given to 1987's Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn. Would you think THAT film was just a horror flick? With all the laughs and unexpectedly funny gore effects? I'd go so far as to think that both of these movies would work quite well on a double-bill.

This is probably one of my favorite films that could conceivably be best known for its gore and horror elements. That it makes you laugh uproariously every so often is just icing on the blood-splattered cake.

So anyone who is just now getting into Peter Jackson's films would be doing themselves a favor by going back to his earlier works, before Hollywood claimed him as one of their own, and find out what led to such a stellar career. You'd probably be surprised to find out that he began just like all the rest of his brethren, with a few skeletons in his closet. A few bloody, decayed skeletons with clown noses on.

Just be careful; these skeletons will jump out of said closet and bite your head off. And you'd laugh every minute they do.

The Official TGWD Spoiler Post!

2012-01-08T23:51:00.001-05:00

You know what?

I really get mad at the way that some people say, "ooh, you can't tell people how such-and-such movie ends; they'll want to find out themselves."

Yeah? Really?? Well, forget that, buddy!!

I have absolutely had it with walking on eggshells for the reviews I do and not revealing anything in what I write about! Do you realize how debilitating that can be???? DO YOU?????

So I have decided to throw out all the rules, drink a couple of Monsters and set out on the road to ruin by going ahead and spoiling every major plot point for (almost but maybe not quite) every movie that's been released in the last 100-or-so years!

That's right, I'm going all MoviePooper on you guys and ruining your movie-going enjoyment for good! YAAAHHH! I'm not even going to warn you when I'm gonna start thisHEREWEGO!

CITIZEN KANE: Rosebud was Kane's sled.

TITANIC: The boat sinks.

KING KONG: The ape falls off a tall building.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS: It was Kevin Spacey.

THE SIXTH SENSE: Bruce Willis was dead all along.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD: There wasn't.

BAMBI: His mom dies, his dad makes him get over it.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: Seemingly indestructible killer kills lots of teenagers till one strikes back, tale continues in sequels.

HALLOWEEN: Seemingly indestructible killer kills lots of teenagers till one strikes back, tale continues in sequels.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET: Seemingly indestructible killer kills lots of teenagers till one strikes back, tale continues in sequels.

CASABLANCA: Ingrid Bergman gets on the plane.

GONE WITH THE WIND: Rhett dumps Scarlett, she goes it alone.

THE WIZARD OF OZ: It was all a dream.

DR. STRANGELOVE OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB: The world gets nuked.

UNDER THE RAINBOW: It was all a dream.

KNOWING: The world gets destroyed.

INCEPTION: It was all a dream... I think.

I AM LEGEND: Humanity ends due to a zombie virus, save for one man.

THE OMEGA MAN: See I AM LEGEND

THE LAST MAN ON EARTH: See THE OMEGA MAN

LAST YEAR AT MARIENBAD: Nothing happened because it was an art film.

DUMBO: He flies.

EASY RIDER: Rednecks kill everybody.

IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD: They get the money, then drop it and lose it.

THE SEARCHERS: John Wayne finds his niece.

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY: They rob the train.

BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID: Butch and Sundance die.

PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE: Pee-Wee gets his bike back.

HOW STELLA GOT HER GROOVE BACK: Stella gets her groove back.

WAR OF THE WORLDS: Our world wins.

DICE RULES: No one wins.

EVERY SPAGHETTI WESTERN STARRING CLINT EASTWOOD: Clint survives, 75% of the cast dies.

GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER?: It's Sidney Poitier.

CADDYSHACK: Everybody gets laid.

OUTLAND: See HIGH NOON

HIGH NOON: See OUTLAND

DRACULA RISES FROM THE GRAVE: Dracula rises from the grave.

And that's all I feel like spoiling for you right now.

If you're lucky, I won't get all like this very soon and spoil anything else... SO DON'T PUSH ME!!!

Sorry, I... I gotta go lie down.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Happy Elvis Presley's Birthday!

2012-01-08T10:44:00.000-05:00

Now before you get all in a tizzy and tell me what I should already know, let me first explain: yes, I know for a fact that this man is still alive - I saw him a few years ago on a trip to Gatlinburg, Tennessee, right there next to the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum, passing our fliers for Fannie Farkle's. You know how it goes, things are tough all over....

Anyway, this is the birthday for a man who had a fantastic singing voice (as evidenced by all the gold albums), great fashion sense (as evidenced by all the gold suits) and a big amount of movies to his credit (as evidenced by all the box office gold garnered by films such as Love Me Tender, Viva Las Vagas and Jailhouse Rock).

Of course, for the purposes of this blog, he was also in a few projects that were less-than-stellar. Because, let's fact it, you may be a living legend but you can't bat 1000 all the time. He was featured in such goofy fare as Tickle Me, Harum Scarum, Easy Come Easy Go and his last film, Change Of Habit, where he played a ghetto doctor in love with nun Mary Tyler Moore(!!). And his name in that one - Doctor John Carpenter. And no, he never played characters named Loomis or Michael Myers; I checked.

So Elvis had lots of albums, lots of movies, and still has lots of adoring fans the world over. Oh, and lots of impersonators, too. Vegas wouldn't be able to survive without them.

Now, as per the rule, I shall post an Elvis-based video... but rather than a music video or something from one of his movies, how about we go an alternate route and post something that just screams Elvis Presley: him with Milton Berle and Debra Paget?

Good choice, Dope.

Happy birthday, Mister P. Say "hi" to everyone in Gatlinburg for me!

Dope out. Thanyavurrymuch.

- TGWD

20 Cool Things About Clint Eastwood

2012-01-07T19:56:00.000-05:00

1. His best friend was Exidor!

2. Making a movie with Charlie Sheen didn't hurt his career. Too awful much.

3. Cops look him up for pointers.

4. You can never tell if he's smiling or scowling.

5. Babes! All the babes!

6. Stood his own against John Malkovich AND Shirley MacLaine.

7. The only person alive who can upstage an orangutan.

8. The NRA tattoo.

9. His names an anagram for "old west action". Really! It is!

10. The man can sing!

11. Any director who needs to get hold of a good pair of cowboy boots has Clint on speed-dial.

12. If he's in a group of people in front of a MiG and someone asks if any of them can fly it, most everybody's gonna look at him.

13. Not everyone has such a successful, high-profile career playing themselves.

14. Talking mules don't faze him.

15. Chances are that Clint carries a poncho close by.

16. Never worked with Pauly Shore. Never will.

17. We as a people will always be robbed of the chance of seeing how much cooler Dick Tracy could have been.

18. Clint once made a movie with Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland and James Garner. And for months afterwards, movies were left wanting for "craggy old guy" charisma.

19. If there's a piano at your party, you'll have to drag him away from it.

20. He's usually armed.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Hangar 18 (1980)

2012-01-06T22:03:00.004-05:00

Ahhh, Sunn Classic Pictures. Anyone who grew up in the Seventies knows Sunn Classic Pictures. They were a little film production company out of Park City, Utah, that specialized in family-friendly, cheaply-made pseudo-documentaries an many subjects. Sunn Classic is responsible for either producing or distributing such classics as The Outer Space Connection, The Lincoln Conspiracy, In Search Of Noah's Ark, Beyond And Back, The Bermuda Triangle, In Search Of Historic Jesus and Beyond Death's Door. They did it all.

Conspiracysploitation. Hmmm, haven't done that genre for a while.

Then the Eighties rolled around and the boys at Sunn decided they should go and branch themselves out, subject-wise, in order to reach that movie-going populace that didn't watch pseudo-documentaries. With this in mind, what did Sunn decide to branch out with? Period costume dramas? Hard-hitting urban dramas? No: science fiction!

Well, of course it had to be science fiction: what with Star Wars this and Close Encounters that and Buck Rogers here and Meteor there, the market was wide open for sci-fi to fill the cineplex in town and grab up all those space geeks' hard-earned geek dollars. However, what to make science fiction movie about was the burning question.

See, you can't just make a space-themed flick out of anything; like an abducted human who returns to Earth years later reclaim his son (Xtro) or a caveman fighting a futuristic alien race (Yor: The Hunter From The Future) - who'd believe that?? No, Sunn Classic understood that they would have to appeal to that untapped Midwestern suburban demographic lying dormant in wait for the movie that would speak directly to them and their first-world problems. And they made just such a film, too.

That film was Hangar 18 and those who weren't into documentaries and ridiculous solemn narrators telling them what was going on could relax: this was a conspiracy theory film.

Now there we have a stretch between pseudo-documentaries and this that's wider than The Grand Canyon... just not as deep.

Not only is this a serious project, however; it's a project starring people that even you - John and Jane Trailer Park - have heard of.

Kolchak! The host of "Hour Magazine"! Napoleon Solo! Hannibal Dobbs from "F Troop"! We know these guys! And it's about them danged aliens invadin' us, like they did Old Man Hobson's farm back in '68! This is gonna be gooooooood....

Now for the invasion of the incredible plot devices: During a routine mission in space with one of our shuttles, a satellite launched from it is almost immediately rammed by an unidentified flying object (aka: a UFO), which then makes an unscheduled crash landing in the Arizona desert. Though plainly witnessed by the astronauts piloting the mission - Bancroft (Gary Collins) and Price (James Hampton) - The White House's Chief of Staff (Robert Vaughn) denies the existence of such a thing since the presidential elections are coming soon (which I think would be awesome for the government to use as a platform to launch a campaign from but anyway...).

The mysterious craft is brought to a secret hangar in a remote desert military base location (just down from numbers sixteen and seventeen) and the accident with the satellite is chalked up to bumbling Jerry Lewis-ish incompetence on the part of the astronauts. As the government scientists examine the craft and its inhabitants, the project being headed up by NASA commander Forbes (Darren McGavin), Bancroft and Price find themselves hunted down by men in black and so forth when they try and discover just what is being covered up and why the 'Murrican Gummint is trying to kill them because of it.

We can tell what kind of a ride we're in for even before the movie itself starts. How? Because we get a static card after the Sunn Classic logo which informs us of the following:

In spite of official denials, rumors have continued to surface about what the government has been concealing from the American public at a secret Air Force hangar.

But now, with the help of a few brave eyewitnesses who have stepped forward to share their knowledge of these events, the story can finally be told.

I think I read the same beginning in about every other conspiracy report in every pamphlet handed to me by wild-eyed street people who get visited by aliens on a nightly basis... only with about 100% fewer spelling errors. Oh, for the succinct quality of "The story you are about to see is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent".

As Capricorn One proved in 1978, conspiracies about NASA and the space program and just what "they" know that's being held from the public at large is a popular whispered topic of discussion for anyone who's ever worn a tin foil pyramid on their head or meditated with crystals. Not that everyone who subscribes to such trains of thought is a nutjob, but "what if" is a popular term amongst such theorists.

The problem that Hangar 18 runs into - as concerns Hangar 18 itself - is not the conspiracy but that it is dealt with as a whisper at a cocktail party, a half-glanced clipping from a hand-printed manifesto to the local paper. Sure, we see our intrepid scientists wear yellow radiation suits and actually enter the alien craft in question, actually discover fat bald aliens at the controls (looking more like Telly Savalas clones with bright blue contact lenses and leather bondage suits) and even emerge with a pretty human lady from the craft (Debrah Macfarlane, who is only credited as "Female Specimen", and that about does it for characterization) and even do a half-hearted autopsy on our E.T.s before it turns into another by-the-book chase picture.

Innocent guys run. Shady characters give chase. Sinister men talk in hushed tones in elegant rooms. A few bullets are fired. A few cars are rolled. No one knows who to trust. If that sounds familiar then congratulations: you've watched TV in the last forty years.

I can't really tell is director James L. Conway did a good job or not, seeing as how this all looks as if we're watching a movie that has already been edited for TV commercials. I'll just hazard a guess that the claustrophobic look in rooms, out in the desert and even in gigantic Air Force hangars was meant to convey a sense of urgency, and wasn't simply a budget restraint.

The script by Conway, Thomas C. Chapman, Steven Thornley, Stephen Lord and David O'Malley (it took five people to write this movie) is about par for the course in what we expect from any movie where the government is all up in our grill and hiding something/everything; lotsa dark vehicles, lotsa sunglass-wearing hitmen, lotsa earnest men of science, lotsa sweaty astronauts, lotsa people looking over their shoulders and fiery explosions tossed in just to keep us interested in what's going on. What is the viewer to make of the fact that everything is approached so that the overall feel isn't one of urgency but instead that whole thing moves at such a slow pace?

There is so much explanation and connecting the dots and discoveries by the characters that the audience figured out ten minutes ahead of time tops, that if the pace were picked up to real time, Hangar 18 would wrap things up in 80 minutes flat!

Instead, this 97-minute flick makes sure that we are spared nothing, that we discover every last thing these guys do onscreen. It feels more like a documentary than any of the actual documentaries Sunn Classic doled out beforehand!

The actors do about as good a job as can be expected, trying to make it look as if they had never heard of conspiracy theories themselves. McGavin is an old hand at discovering legends himself, only no Draculas or zombies this time out, and he essays yet another gruff-but-loveable Darren McGavin type in his repertoire.

Collins was always remembered as either host of a TV magazine or host of a beauty pageant; I bet you don't remember him as an actor in film like this, Airport, Angel In My Pocket, Killer Fish and a veritable cornucopia of TV shows and made-for-TV movies. From the looks of it, his acting is like he should be preparing to introduce an interview with Fran Tarkington any minute.

Certified "that guy" actor Hampton is by far most famous as Michael J. Fox's dad in that 1985 flick Teen Wolf, but is such an easy-going, laid-back personae here and in all of his five decades of acting opportunities that it's almost a shock to see him in an action flick. Though I do remember him doing a great job in The Longest Yard (1974) and The China Syndrome (1979), so it's more that I'm shocked that he's in THIS action flick, I guess. If you can call this action....

Then we have other familiar faces as Vaughn as your stock evil government figure, as well as others like William (Gidget's dad) Schallert, Joseph (brother of Frank) Campanella, Pamela ("Dynasty") Bellwood, Stuart (Second Sight) Pankin and some others you may have either seen on TV at some point or another or others that you've probably only seen here, and with good reason....

Look, I'm not going to lie to you about Hangar 18: this is not a good movie. As a matter of fact, this is probably one of the worst conspiracy films you're likely to see because it simply plays out scenarios that the common man already knows about in this day and age. Even back in 1980 when this film came out, most everyone knew there was a Hangar 18 around Roswell or thereabouts. Even if your basic knowledge is that such things exist, that's about all you need to know going into Hangar 18, and that's all you'll leave with once the film's over.

Sunn Classics, Conway and company have the material to work with but do nothing interesting with it. It's like seeing a grade school production of Moby Dick. It's cute that they have the kids all under a gray tarp playing a whale, but you know that they're working with what they had. Same here: I don't know what kind of a budget Conway had to work with but it had to have been substantial because I'm sure McGavin and Vaughn didn't come cheap, and that spaceship couldn't have been made inexpensively, and there's stuntmen and pyrotechnics to consider, too.

This film ended up making $6 million once all was said and done and then ended up dissipating off into relative obscurity, only to become an answer in the Darren McGavin Edition of Trivial Pursuit. Certainly conspiracies of this magnitude deserve better than this. Whispered stories and dog-earned manifestos should get their day in the sun(n), but what if it ended up being only one day? Did it have to be THIS day?

Sunn Classic Pictures kind of went by the wayside after the Eighties, due in part to films like Hangar 18 but also because no one wants to the same hysteria under different guises time after time. Just like Irwin Allen's disaster pics fell out of favor, so did conspiracy flicks like these where the only thing they had going for them was outright paranoia. Of course, disaster/paranoia flicks ended up having a renaissance of sorts in the 2000s, what with flicks like Deep Impact, Armageddon and The Day After Tomorrow.

Safe to say that the films of Sunn Classic would never have such a renaissance. The closest they came was in 1981 when the company was bought out, became Taft Entertainment and released the family-friendly comedy Earthbound (also directed by Conway), depicting an alien family cash-landing on Earth with their green pet chimpanzee and befriending Burl Ives and his grandson.

That WASN'T a conspiracy theory film. But it did have featured parts for Joseph Campanella and Stuart Pankin. And it was also about the same quality of filming. I guess that was about as close to a renaissance as Sunn Classic felt they could get for Hangar 18.

That they thought this isn't the scary part; the scary part is they were right.

A Music Post For A Song I Thought I'd Never Hear Again...

2012-01-04T23:52:00.000-05:00

I used to hear this song occasionally growing up, for one thing.

For another, our grade school would let us watch PBS every so often for our daily education with "The Electric Company", "Inside Out", "Ripples" and other educational programming back in my day.

And before the shows came on, they would sometimes just show a static card with the local station cal card and some instrumental music of the day in the background.

...and this would be the song they would play the most.

So then, this is a song that I most often equate with my youth for that very reason.

Some of you who are of the appropriate age will also remember this song and probably appreciate it the same way that I do. Hopefully.

Let's find out: here it is....

Recognize it now? If so, then THANK YOU for having the same taste in music as I do!

The song, "Popcorn" has a great history, which you can read all about here, but for most of us, it will be personal reasons we recall it so fondly. Like I do.

Just felt like sharing. Thank you.

Dope out.

- TGWD

The Worst Posters EVER!!! Part 19

2012-01-04T22:48:00.002-05:00

To start off a whole new year of doing nothing but pointing out the horrible advances in the artless artlessness of movie poster art here in The States, let me ask you something: how much does a poster influence if you'll see a certain picture?

For some of you, I'd guess that if you appreciate the beauty and symmetry of what we lovingly call "nice-looking pictures", you would no doubt be turned heavily against a film if, for its representative poster art, all they did was manipulate a few head shots on some dissimilar bodies and slap a title over it.

Of course, some people always thought Mona Lisa's head would look better on top of Claudia Schiffer's body.

But then when it comes to poster art here in America, all that the "creative souls" who make these posters seem to know how to do is make bad pictures worse by the simple act of firing up their PC and opening up the Adobe product of their choice.

...which is probably unfair to Adobe, but you know what I mean.

So let's get to our next and newest examples of bad art made badly.

ASSASSIN IN LOVE

Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' that looks like someone was playing with mis-matched mannequin body parts and disembodied heads placed on shoulders at odd angles. And isn't that background out of "Teletubbies"? And whoever the woman is, someone better deflate her head or it's gonna pop. No wait, I got it: they're paper dolls from the "Barbie And Ken Make A Movie" playset.

FINDING BLISS

Oh my god; they actually took different pictures of these people and pasted them onto a plain background. It just looks like they verrrrry carefully trimmed around each person's hairstyles using an Xacto knife (especially with Leelee on the left, there.) This is like Colorforms from hell - how else could you explain anything that suggests a naked Jamie Kennedy? And a naked Jamie Kennedy who looks bigger than the women he's sitting next to? I've seen Jamie before - he's shorter than both these women (especially Kristen). I guess the artist was compensating for something....

LEGION

Looks passable, doesn't it? Just your average angel with deadly weapons and slacks looking skywards. But look at the gun in his left hand (his left, your right); notice anything on it? That's right - no handle! I don't care of you ARE the herald of The Lord; you need a handle to be able to hold onto anything! Maybe it took all the artist's efforts to CGI some abs on Saint Smith of Wesson that he forgot that Uzis need handles to do anything with them. Forgive them, Lord; they know not what they draw....

OVER HER DEAD BODY

Ignoring for a moment that Shelley Long already did this movie (Hello Again), maybe we should give this one the benefit of the doubt. Judging from the gaunt, stiff blockiness of Eva's body and the odd angle of her head, she may very well be a ZOMBIE, making this film 200% better than it looks. I have a feeling that it may instead be the artist who's a zombie, though; zombies know very little about natural body positions, after all.

DESTROYER

No offense to Lyle, but I don't think he was ever this oily. Plus, it looks like he's wearing the most undefined pants known to mankind, but I have to be nice to him, seeing as how that may be his body but they got hold of his head at a later time to balance atop those brawny, greasy shoulders. As if having Popeye's forearms weren't bad enough....

Okay, gotta get going and make sure I can get hold of some worse home-grown product for next time. Personally, I'm not worried.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Forced Vengeance (1982)

2012-01-03T20:53:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to waste a lot of time with this review because Chuck Norris wouldn't like that.

No, he'd want me to cut right to the quick and get to the heart of what this film is all about: dumb bad guys, hard-hitting good guys, lots of flying feet, fists of fury and crescent kicks to the head... and no points for guessing who's left standing at the end of it all.

It's all the same for Chuck, the whole world out to get him and only a couple of people can really help him before they get killed and set him on a drop-kicking quest for revenge - or vengeance, in this case. Albeit forced.

Forced Vengeance was Chuck Norris' 11th major film release (and his second film in 1982, along with Silent Rage) and just like many of his other films, the viewer witnesses Chuck in his natural habitat: kicking butt.

Now to karate kick this plot: Josh Randall (Norris) works for Sam (David Opatoshu), the owner of a Hong Kong-based casino who took him under his wing after seeing him handle himself well in a bar fight while on leave from the military. When approached by rival casino owner Ramandi (Michael Cavanaugh) who's connected and wants to buy his casino, Sam refuses the offer and gets killed for his trouble. Josh then finds Sam's daughter Joy (Camila Griggs) and tries to protect her from Ramandi, his hitmen, the police and most of the rest of Hong Kong, apparently. Many friends, girlfriends (Mary Louise Weller) and anyone else who tries to help Josh is killed. This sets Josh off on a journey to gain forced you-know-what on all the bad guys responsible.

Right there's the only plot you really need to set things into motion, what with the sleazy bad guys, the loudmouths, the pushy muscleheads, the hot-headed brutes and eventual end bosses who get theirs. It doesn't make any difference, however - all of them are going to fall to Chuck's credit. One way or another, they all seem to find Chuck, rub him the wrong way, say something stupid or (worst of all) step on his cowboy hat. After that, it's only a matter of time before we see Chuck doing what he does best.

Director James Fargo is a past master of such films, what with such directorial credits as Clint Eastwood's The Enforcer and Every Which Way But Loose, not to mention episodes of such TV actioners as "Tales Of The Gold Monkey" and "The A-Team" under his belt. Of course he also directed that legendary Pia Zadora musical Voyage Of The Rock Aliens too, so tread lightly. But he at least knows the score in a film like this: keep the camera back so you can catch all of the martial artistry and bad guys flying through the air. When you think about it, it's all filmed like an old Fred Astaire dance movie - wide shots to catch all the foot action. The only difference? No Ginger Rogers in evidence here.

And writers Fargo and Franklin Thompson make it obvious that they are familiar with the Norris mythos even in the tender year of 1982; they are also familiar with such chop-socky "you-have-offended-my-family" storylines as well. There's a reason such movies are popular and it isn't the high caliber of acting. It's the high caliber of action. You know as well as I do the films of Bruce Lee were no great shakes in story terms. If anything, we'd seen the same stories a hundred times before in a hundred movies before. What mattered is our lead hero was in full effect and most of those surrounding him were evil and needed put down. Hard.

Not only does Forced Vengeance understand this, but understands it so well that it's a fitting companion piece to such films as Fists Of Fury and The Chinese Connection. No wonder Chuck became such a well-revered icon in this field: he usually surrounded himself with actors, film directors, writers and producers who all showcased him to his utmost. And every fight he gets in - and there's a lot here - he only comes off with minor injuries (a cut here, a trickle of blood there). His opponents? Well, that's usually another story.

Chuck always offers us the same character, never mind the different names. A soft-spoken man slow to anger but quick in action. And his acting is never an issue: Chuck's everyman portrayal not only makes him easily-accessible as a hero, but also gives him an advantage to a Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger or Dolph Lundgren. None of those guys could be confused for a Joe Schmoe from Oswego, so it's never a shock to see them brandish fists, guns, grenades, et cetera. With Chuck, it's like catching your next-door neighbor pick up his morning paper off the front lawn one minute, then battle The Yakuza the next. It's like "WOW! He can do that??" - you kind of expect that from a Schwarzenegger.

The supporting cast in Forced Vengeance gives us a good example of "vase-to-the-rose" accompaniment. Weller's performance as the love interest is about as far removed from Mandy Pepperidge (a la National Lampoon's Animal House), but at least fares about as well as anybody else who is in close proximity to Chuck in this film. Bob Minor (an actor/stuntman who has acted in over 120 films and stuntworked in 145 others) plays an ex-Army pal of Chuck's character who is probably about as punch-happy as his pal, and does his Steve James-best in the role. Seiji Sakaguchi plays the prerequisite indestructible henchman about as indestructibly as he did in his career as a Japanese pro wrestler; think of him as a low-rent Oddjob.

When all is said and done, the question arises: is Forced Vengeance an acceptable entry in the Norris canon? Of COURSE it is - it showcases him well, lets him display his combat prowess and even gives us a few good showpieces - one big fight against a backdrop of neon lights was so good they used it twice: in the beginning credits and again in the actual film itself!

It should come as no surprise that this $5 million film earned back its budget plus an extra million or so, what with everything it had going for it in the first place. It has Chuck Norris. It has kung-fu. It has a lot of targets for Chuck to kick. What the hell else do you want?

Chuck has been consistently working since 1969 and his inflicted pain on deserving saps in 95% of the films and TV shows he has been in. The worst thing that can be said about Forced Vengeance is that he lets a couple of people live. That's like finding out The Beatles haven't recorded all of the songs they sang. It just doesn't make sense.

Not that Forced Vengeance was made to make sense. It is everything a good Chuck Norris film should be, though, so that's all the sense it is supposed to make. And on that count, it is just fine.

So, Is It Okay To Like Tom Cruise Again?

2012-01-02T19:17:00.001-05:00

Many of you may recall back in 2009 when I rightly asked what had happened to this man: Tom Cruise.

It would have seemed that as of that late date his career was beyond repair and nothing short of canonization would have redeemed him.

This seems to be the pitfall and lament of celebrity: usually, it takes not just ONE bad decision but a whole bunch of them built up over a long period of time to topple their once-unblemished veneer until they're as tarnished as that old tea set of your gramma's.

And so it would have seemed with Cruise. After his prominence as a L. Ron Hubbard-lovin', psychiatrist-hatin', "South Park" suin', Matt Lauer-denouncin', Oprah's couch-jumpin' celebrity nutjob head case, we have seen him in such flicks as Mission Impossible III, Lions For Lambs, Valkyrie and Knight And Day - he even turned in a funny-as-heck cameo as an overweight, slovenly agent in Ben Stiller's Tropic Thunder. Many of these films made money, naturally, but there was still that lingering, "ehhhhhmm, I dunno" over this guy.

And that was a big problem for many of us: how far could we go with a guy who had shown us that he was as capable of flying off the handle and going all-flighty as Charlie Sheen after 24 hours in a Las Vegas hotel room with a bag of cocaine and three hookers? He may still be bankable, but was that enough for us (or Hollywood, for that matter) to get him off the National Enquirer/"Inside Edition" fast track and back onto the A-List?

For the longest time, it would seem the answer was a resounding NO. At least, until a couple of weeks ago.

Seems that with the latest Mission Impossible sequel (Ghost Protocol), box office looks good, reviewers are giving it good word of mouth, everybody seems to think the old Cruise they knew and loved was back in effect and, by all observations, his career was going to survive.

(Not that it seemed he was hurting as far as his work log went, but anyway...)

However, one has to stop and think, "what happened?"; he's still the same guy, he doesn't look to have changed his game plan any, and as far as that trademark grin goes, he still has that going on. But then, what has changed?

To be honest, I have no idea - all I know is that it now seems that everybody has gone another 180-degree turn on Tom Cruise and he's America's Sweetheart yet again. And this isn't one of those gradual turns, either. Granted, that Les Grossman thing in Thunder was completely out of left field for Cruise and showcased him as a complete different character than any he had done before and America - nay, the WORLD - loved it (enough for Grossman to make a cameo during the 2010 MTV Music Awards).

But again I ask, "what happened?".

Maybe I'm missing something. It looks like a lot has been swept under the rug in a matter of a couple of years; maybe the best spin doctors in the world worked on Cruise and told him to hold his tongue during interviews when he doesn't necessarily agree with what's being said, had him hold a somewhat lower profile when out and about with beloved wife What's-Er-Name and lovely daughter Whoever and when he is stuck for a response or a proper reaction: flash the smile.

That could also explain the following recent pictures:

Grin and bear it, Tom.

So then, IS it okay to relax and say that we like Tom and his movies again? Who knows? Hollywood has let some of its brethren do some pretty stupid stuff and get away with it. Look at Sheen. Look at Errol Flynn. Look at Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle. Look at both Coreys. Look at all these guys. The plain fact of the matter is that these things happen, people laugh at them, they still made money (for the most part), Hollywood rolls on. One of those "circle of life" things, except with more tabloid headlines and exploitation.

Does it even MATTER if anyone likes Tom Cruise anymore? Probably not; he'll still make movies, he'll still rake in the cash, he'll still grin. As far as I know, there are a lot of people who make big mistakes who are still gainfully employed by various organizations - including popular media.

At this rate, I expect Cruise to do dumb things on a big scale; it doesn't mean he will COMPLETELY fall off the radar, though. Not everyone does that; they just reinvent themselves.

Is it any surprise that Tom Cruise reinvented himself into the same exact person he was before?

I take that back; I think his grin may actually be larger now.

Can you blame him, though?

Dope out.

-TGWD

Happy Don Novello's Birthday!

2012-01-01T16:20:00.002-05:00

What do you mean, "Don WHO"????

Everybody knows Don Novello: a native of Lorain, Ohio, he's a comic actor who's been steadily working in front of the camera for TV and movies since 1976.

He's an award-nominated writer for "SCTV Network" and the 1977 classic "Van Dyke And Company".

He was working with John Belushi on the script that was to become his final movie, Noble Rot, until Belushi died.

He's also been in such well-regarded movies as Godfather III, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Casper and Tucker: The Man And His Dream.

Still don't know him?

Well, he was also a long-standing writer and actor during the early days of "Saturday Night Live".

Yes? No?

siiiiighhh....

Okay then, we'll go the easy route: you probably know him best as THIS GUY -

Yeah sure, NOW you wanna break out the party hats. Some people.

At any rate, have a great birthday, Mister Novello. And say "hi" to The Vatican for me.

Dope out.

- TGWD

Foreign Poster Atrocities #36

2012-01-01T14:42:00.001-05:00

Ooh boy; another year, another go-around of massive artistic failure on the parts of some non-artistic boneheads overseas. Ain't you lucky?

Well, not really, not in this case.

So if Jeff is ready (which I'm sure he is) we can now get into our first disaster straightaway!

-----

TGWD - This is Bob. Bob has a...problem.

JEFF - Boom-da-doom-da-doom-da-doom-da-dooma-doo-doom...

TGWD - When Bob goes into...battle, he has problems with his...sword.

JEFF - Boom-da-doom-da-doom-da-doom-da-dooma-doo-doom...

TGWD - Even fighting for the good old U. S. of A. doesn't give Bob the...satisfaction he wants.

TGWD - Bob needs...Ninjagra (c).

JEFF - Okay, we get the point; floppy sword.

JEFF - They could have just got a bigger piece of paper.

TGWD - That would mean more poster. You honestly want that?

JEFF - For this painter? NO.

JEFF - At this point I think it's safe to say they just didn't care whether or not they got anything right on this poster.

TGWD - Safe to say, seeing as we can't even get a suitable representation of Michael Dudikoff.

JEFF - Yeah; who IS this??

TGWD - ...K.D. Lang.

JEFF - No!

TGWD - Look for yourself; that is K.D. Lang if it's anyone.

JEFF - No wonder her sword's limp.

TGWD - Ahem.

JEFF - And what's with the ninja behind him...or her?

TGWD - The one who's trying to shoot the bent arrow?

TGWD - That's the oldest joke in the book.

TGWD - Rubber arrows...bleached-out tights...itching powder in your ninja mask....

JEFF - Is that a woman?

TGWD - Which o....

JEFF - The half-a-ninja.

JEFF - The eyes.

TGWD - Oh, it's so hard to tell...

JEFF - Apparently K.D. sliced the ninja back there in half, for daring to shoot a bendy arrow in her...his...whoever's general area.

JEFF - It's one of those cartoon ricochet arrows; it'll bounce off the sides of the inner poster and end up in K.D.'s neck. Another old ninja trick.

TGWD - With half-a-ninja's mismatched eyes, I doubt the aim will be as accurate as need be.

JEFF - What do you expect; they couldn't even get K.D.'s ears even.

TGWD - That's gotta be a pain to fit her for glasses.

JEFF - Contacts.

TGWD - Wouldn't doubt it.

TGWD - Looking at the rest of the poster...

JEFF - Oh, please don't.

TGWD - I noticed something about the flag.

JEFF - No, don't cheapen yourself.

TGWD - You realize there are only 12 stripes in evidence.

JEFF - Don't do this.

TGWD - And judging from the guide they give us at the top row of stars there, we only have 35 states.

TGWD - The other 15 deny this movie exists.

JEFF - I want to live in those states.

TGWD - You know, I used to have so much respect for ninjas before I saw this poster.

JEFF - Godfrey Ho didn't do as much damage to them as this one piece of paper does.

TGWD - Now if I ever see a ninja, I know I can just point and laugh at them with their floppy swords, crossed eyes, lack of a bottom half of their body....

JEFF - Thank heavens there was never an American Samurai movie....

TGWD - There was.

JEFF - Oh. How about an American Kickboxer?

TGWD - A couple.

JEFF - American....?

TGWD - ...

JEFF - American Ninjitsu Practitioner?

TGWD - Okay.

JEFF - ...can you imagine what we'd be stuck with here?

TGWD - Ninjitsu-ists with buckets for heads.

JEFF - Swords made from balloons.

JEFF - Rapidly deflating balloons.

TGWD - A flag with 27 stripes and 4 stars.

JEFF - Starring Chaz Bono as the American Ninjitsu Practitioner.

TGWD - ...

JEFF - Verisimilitude.

TGWD - Good thinking.

JEFF - I think we're done here.

TGWD - American Ninja, get away from me.

JEFF - Mama, let it be.

TGWD - Don't call me "mama".

JEFF - I was talking to K.D., there.

TGWD - Oh.

-----

Well now, as is usually the case, that wasn't so good now, was it?

And this is just JANUARY! At least 11 more Atrocities yet to come! Gird your loins now!

Till next time, Dope (and Jeff) out.

- TGWD