Erin Foley

DIS-A-VOWS

2010-09-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

DIS-A-VOWS

Marie Suzanne Stewart and Jeffrey Michael Stewart were divorced Saturday afternoon at the Ronkonkoma Town Hall in Ronkonkoma, Long Island. Mr. Anthony Keegan, county clerk, filed the paperwork.

The divorcee, 33, is a school teacher at Little Hands Elementary School in Patchogue, Long Island. She teaches penmanship and her students have a ninety percent graduation rate. She received a Masters in Education from Stonybrook University.

She is the daughter of Sharon S. Lapinksy and Ronald “Bud” Lapinsky of West Islip, Long Island. The divorcee’s mother worked as a paralegal for 38 years in the family owned law firm, Clarke, Clarke, Clarke and Clarke. Her father is the proprieter of Bud’s Suds, a beer distribution center in downtown West Islip.

The recent bachelor, 34, is currently employed
as a sales representative for Kraft Foods. His route extends from Greenlawn to Rocky Point, distributing products such as Ready to Eat Cheesecake Filling and 100 Calorie Packs of Chips Ahoy, Oreo and Nutter Butter Chewy Granola Bars. He graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in History at Quinnipiac College.

He is a son of Claire Stewart and Richard Stewart of
Yaphank, Long Island. Claire is romance writer under the pseudonym N. Amore and his father works in the Time Warner Cable’s Yaphank sales office.

The couple met during their sophomore year at Ronkonkoma High School. Marie was captain of the volleyball team and Jeffrey played varsity football. “We were high school sweethearts, Marie said.
“Everyday was new and exciting.” The couple dated throughout high school, deciding to split at the end of their freshmen year of college. Jeffrey added, “I always knew I was going to marry her, I just needed some time off in college and a year or two after to roll the dice and sew some oats.”

Years after college, during the summer of 2002,
both Marie and Jeff came back to Ronkonkoma to attend the tenth annual Tomato and Surf Festival. “I didn’t know he was going to be there and when I saw him, I just melted,” Marie said. They started dating that night and two years later they were married at the Sans Country Club, the same site of their senior prom. The first five years of their marriage went well. The couple moved back home to be closer to their
families. Marie started teaching and Jeffrey coached
football after work. “Then it all seemed to go to shit,”
Jeffrey added. The small cracks in their marriage kept
getting larger.

“I would teach kids all day long, only to come home to
another child - a giant one,” she said. “I felt like his mother which really sucked out the romance.” Six years into their marriage, Marie and Jeff were barely communicating. “Apparently, I have no communication skills,” said Jeff. “As far as I’m concerned, if something is bothering me, I’ll let you know, if
not, stop hassling me.” Months later the couple filed for divorce.

“Well, it’s usually the second or third marriage that
works anyway,” the divorcee’s mother added.

The couple filed under irreconcilable differences. Marie stated, “The causes for the divorce were a lack of communication, a lack of emotional commitment, a lack of maturity, a lack of support, a lack of work, a lack of free time due to football, a lack of culture, a lack of anything in common, a lack of ability to make positive changes and a lack of romance.” Jeffrey stated, “Things just didn’t work out.”

Marie will use her maiden name Lapinsky because she never felt, “comfortable or safe being called Stewart.”

Navigating the Beach

2010-06-08T15:31:00.001-07:00

People seem to be afraid of silence these days. Sweet, sweet silence. Noise pollution has reached an epic level. I went to Newport Beach over the weekend to seek out quiet on the sandy shores. I forgot the beach came with beachgoers. Beachgoers that are afraid of silence. To navigate the beach for some r & r, you’re going to have to look for these red flags.

-Stay away from people that are putting up some sort of tent. A tent is a huge red flag. It means that they are planning to stay the entire day. A day filled with catching up on current events and old times. Meaning, talking. Even if there are only two people, a tent means they’re probably expecting more and when I say more I mean children.

-Stay away from children. I love children but not at the beach. Their general unbridled enthusiasm for the water and sand is adorable, but along with it comes screaming. Screaming at the water temperature, screaming at the sand, screaming at sunscreen, screaming at sand castles, screaming at the ladies sitting behind them.

-Stay away from ladies. A gaggle of ladies means talking at loud volumes about useless shit. I know this because I’ve been in these gaggles. When it’s your friends, it’s interesting and funny, when it’s strangers’ conversations, it’s annoying, senseless and they sound like teenagers.

-Stay away from teenagers. Their awkward behavior, insane volume and inappropriate beach attire makes any relaxation impossible. You start questioning, “Did I behave like that? Did I wear that? Did I ever have that much confidence?” Inevitably, you’ll get sucked into their drama and start thinking which ones make cute couples.

-Stay away from couples. Especially ones that flaunt their buff bodies and fresh summer back tattoos. They don’t keep their hands off each other which makes you question your relationship and/or lack of a relationship. Suddenly the nice couple turns into this SPF 2 Panama Jack oil using, cheesy tramp stamped alcoholics, drinking shitty canned beer from their cooler.

-Stay away from coolers. Especially large coolers. It comes with constant talking about food and drink and what’s wheat free and what’s gluten free and is that the same thing and saran wrap is better than reynolds wrap and the constant up and down for snacks and pickles are high in sodium and hamburgers are riskier than ever and mine has no mayo and what they forgot and what goes well with sandwiches and STOP TALKING.

Basically the key to a successful beach day is to stay away from everyone. I’m prepared to walk to the entire length of the beach to set up my chair, umbrella, beach sheet, beach blanket and excessive reading materials. After hours of reading in sweet, sweet silence I feel refreshed and ready to grab my phone and call everyone I know and make plans for the night! I hate being alone.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Wait

2010-02-05T01:34:00.000-08:00

We have to start somewhere, of course. The initial steps taken to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell is long overdue and certainly good news for the gays. We need at least one victory a year to keep the positive energy flowing. The issue that's troublesome is the vague timeline they have set up. There is going to be a "year long study" as well as a "year long transition". I can perhaps get my head around the word study, but transition? That made me laugh out loud. But not roll around the floor laughing. Just like a gasp laugh or what the hell are you talking about laugh or is this for real type of laugh. I suppose it's best not to tell everyone your gay immediately after the repeal, but to slowly, gingerly, cautiously come out in more of transitional type of way. I've composed a month to month, year long transition of what gay male soldiers can say to their straight brothers and sisters in arms.

January: I'm having a lot of restless nights.

February: I feel like Sgt Sean Reynolds is a really good dancer.

March: I would say I'm QUESTIONING, everything.

April: Did you see Lady Gaga and Elton John at the Grammy's? Electric!

May: I'm really uncomfortable in same sex platoons.

June: I'm bisexual.

July: The desert sky is beautiful at night.

August: I didn't enjoy The Hurt Locker, but I loved A Single Man.

September: Women are like land mines, I try to avoid them.

October: Sometimes, instead of charging towards enemy lines, I want to skip towards them.

November: Ah, the holidays are approaching! I psyched to decorate our bunk.

December: I'm gay!

Happy 2010!

2010-01-22T16:45:00.000-08:00

Hello there friends, family, and my cat Peanut. My website is currently being revamped, accessorized and rejuvenated. Much like it's owner. Please stay tuned for updated shows, picks of the week, funny blogs and new videos I'm currently working on. It's going to be a great year. I hope. I mean, that's what I always say. This is the year, right? Right! Which means, this is the year that, that...that things come together. Meaning, meaning...more egg and cheese sandwiches. And peace on Earth, and now the moon since they found a large hole in which they might be able to sustain a colony. But that's another story.

Starbucks Via Road Trip

2009-09-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

Hello fun people! I’m on a two week cross country road trip shooting comedic webisodes for Starbucks. I’m travelling in a Starbucks Via Hybrid SUV going from city to city, small town to small town, spreading comedic coffee goodness. The webisodes will be uploaded every other day from the road! Follow me at www.youtube.com/starbucks.

The official press release:

Starbucks VIA™ Ready Brew Road Trip brings VIA to the People
On September 15, Starbucks kicked off a two-week, coast-to-coast Starbucks VIA™ Road Trip. The Road Crew will connect with coffee lovers in two countries and 12 states and preview Starbucks VIA™ Ready Brew prior to nationwide launches in the U.S. and Canada on September 29. The Road Crew is made up of comedian and actress, Erin Foley and Starbucks social media guru, Brad Nelson. Their journey will include stops at various locations across the U.S. and Canada, including Vancouver, Denver, Chicago, Boston and New York City. They are accompanied by a documentary film crew that will capture the experience on the road, serving up webisodes at www.youtube.com/starbucks.

basketball rant

2009-09-07T23:37:00.000-07:00

The NBA draft took place a couple of months ago and boy the excitement was palpable. Players in expensive suits held up their new team jerseys to a crowd of drunken men wearing the same team jerseys. The difference being, the players get paid millions of dollars to shoot a ball through a hoop while their drunken fans get paid 40,000 to sell farm equipment and/or something else they hate to do. I love watching the draft because they really try to make it exciting when essentially, it’s not. Give or take a player or two, we know who is going where. It’s all about the coverage of the team’s “war room” and the “fans’ reactions”. I love when the camera goes inside the war room and you see all the execs sweating it out, scribbling furiously on their lists and going over the players’ stats. It’s so dramatic and ridiculous. They look like they’re planning an exit strategy for Iraq. Then, after the player is chosen, the camera pans the crowd for the crazed fan reactions. (Impression of screaming fan) “OH MY GOD, WE GOT HIM, WE GOT HIM, NOW I’LL BE ABLE TO TOLERATE MY WIFE!” Hands down, the best part is when a foreign player is announced and nobody knows who they are. “And with their pick, the Oklahoma City Thunder chooses Rodrigue Beaubois”. (Impression of the crowd) “Uh…who the fuck is that?”

The winner of the draft was Blake Griffin who was chosen as the number one pick by the Los Angeles Clippers. The loser of the draft was also Blake Griffin because he has to play for the Angeles Clippers. In my opinion, I wouldn’t want to be number one because you wind up playing for the crappiest team. Take Griffin for example. The guy averages 19 points and 12 rebounds per game, has an amazing work ethic and knowledge of the game, and basically put Oklahoma on his shoulders, leading them to the elite 8. And for all of this, he gets to play for the Clippers! You know, that other team that plays in the Staples Center when the Lakers are travelling. Here’s my new plan for the next crop of collegiate superstars entering next season’s NBA draft. Have an amazing season, be all you can be on and off the court until about February. Then, take it down a notch. Start missing some free throws, toss some wild passes, hit your head on the rim repeatedly while attempting alley-oops, maybe one game you score 44 points, the next night you go for 8. Continue this style of play through March Madness. All these changes to your game will create comments like “end of season slump, he’s gotten a bit sloppy as of late, there seems to be a problem with his consistency, can he produce under pressure.” I would even suggest you shove a couple of players, unnecessarily, so people question your temperament. Consequently, your stock falls from number one to about four or five. Is this a bad thing? Hell No! It’s fantastic because now you go from the Clippers to a team like the Knicks or the Timberwolves. Yeah, the Knicks suck, but you get to play in the Garden and be King of New York. And the T-wolves are young; they’re rebuilding, and headed in the right direction. As opposed to the Clippers whose backcourt looks like they were raised in a Shire. They have really short guards, hobbit-like. Besides, you’d be a Timberwolf! How manly is that! I don’t even know what it is exactly, but it’s got Timber and Wolf in it, which is a double dose of masculinity. The Clippers? A person or thing that clips or cuts? Like hair clippers or hedge clippers? Or best case scenario, a fancy sailboat. I’d go with the wolf and a chance at winning before Sasha Obama runs for office.

rants, blogs, thoughts

2009-09-07T21:56:00.000-07:00

Hey fans of my jokes and ramblings. I'm going to start posting more rants and all that jazz (hands) on a more timely basis. Also, I'm creating a new website soon. And by me, I mean I'm hiring someone that has skills. Either look to the right or scroll down to watch a segment from my comedy central special which is airing right now at random times. High Five.

NEW, NOW, NEXT AWARDS!!

2009-05-13T10:48:00.001-07:00

Hello comedy fans. I was nominated for the New Now Next Award's "Brink of Fame Comic" on the LOGO channel. If you get a second, click on the link below and vote for me! Seriously, this vote is extremely important...it will literally pull the economy out of recession. It's your civic duty and I'll buy everyone a drink. Happy Spring/Summer.

Click here to vote or use the widget in the right panel!

Thanks, as always, for your support.

Comedy Central Presents!

2009-02-04T13:21:00.000-08:00

Comedy Fans! My Comedy Central Presents half-hour special airs
Friday March 6th at 10:30pm. Tune in. Laugh. High Five.

Sports Blogs!

2009-02-04T13:17:00.000-08:00

Hello world.I've been writing/blogging about sports for the Dinah Shore website.
Go to this link: www.thedinah.com. Here is my latest:

I reluctantly woke up on Monday morning and found this note in my inbox. “I’m sorry for your loss.” Yes, I’ve suffered a great loss. The New York Football Giants are out of the playoffs. The number one seed. Home-field advantage. Gone. Poof. Over. I’m not sure what team suited up against the Eagles, but it certainly was not my Giants. Perhaps they were collectively roofied the night before by crazed, unruly Eagles fans. Yeah, that’s got to be it. Perhaps our offensive coordinator suffered a concussion during warm-ups, becoming unable to think clearly when selecting the plays. This would explain the decision to run the ball, not once, but TWICE on fourth down. Perhaps he was subscribing to George Bush’s foreign policy; if it doesn’t work the first time, keep doing it until you fail miserably.
All week long, I tried everything to will my team to victory. I stretched out my hamstrings, kept myself hydrated, and visualized Jacobs pounding through the Eagles’ defensive line, time and time again. The night before, I drank a half bottle of red wine to calm my nerves and assembled my Giants gear. Giant’s baseball hat. Check. A blue t-shirt from the 8th grade that reads “Giants Rule” on the front and “Foley 56” on the back. Check. My light blue retro t-shirt. Check. My Giants sweatshirt that I received after ordering Sports Illustrated. Check. My Giants rally scarf that I wore when Buffalo Bill’s kicker Scott Norwood shanked the ball wide right. Check. My Giants blanket. Check. Blue converse sneakers and red underwear. Check. I was ready for action. I hurled myself out of bed on Sunday as if it were Christmas morning, screaming, “GO BIG BLUE!” Four hours later, I was rocking back and forth in the corner, drinking, crying and reading the Bell Jar. I guess it could have been worse. We could have lost to the Cowboys.
So what now my friends? How does one bounce back after their team gets booted from the playoffs? What, am I supposed to focus on my career? Try and make myself a better person? Work with children? Sing with a local church choir? Hell no! To all the fans whose teams aren’t playing anymore, I say, embrace your football bell jar! Go deep. Go crazy. Sprint down the spiraling staircase of hopelessness. Land on your head. Don’t bounce back. THROW IN THE TOWEL! Here are some suggestions.

1) Run through your local mall or the streets of your city screaming, “The Giants (your team name here) have lost! The Giants have lost! Save yourselves! There isn’t much time left!”

2) Go into work excessively late for weeks at a time. When asked about your tardiness, simply reply, “First of all, lower your voice. I have a massive football hangover. I was up all night going over the plays in my head. The turnovers, the lack of execution, the play calling. Nothing makes sense in this world anymore. I don’t know if I can make it to draft weekend.” Then start foaming at the mouth. Trust me, I’ve done it before, nobody will bother you again.

3)Have a baby. Adopt a baby. Just get a baby. Anyone’s baby. Babies are great distractions. They need constant attention which will take your mind off your team. Then simply return the baby when pre-season starts, because, HELLO, you need to focus!

4) And most importantly, keep drinking. Gin with your cornflakes, bud light with your sandwiches, wine with your dinner. Lower the Bar. Take a couple of months off. You have in fact, suffered a great loss. I’m not saying that you should neglect your loved ones, but who are we kidding? There’s nothing more important than football season, and mine is over. On a positive note, good luck to the remaining teams (except for the Eagles and Ravens).
Bring on March Madness!

That's Brants!

2008-12-17T18:37:00.000-08:00

Check out this video I'm in called BRANTS! The first-ever bra/pant solution!
buybrants.com

UNIFEM benefit show Tuesday Dec 2nd

2008-12-01T14:01:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, Dec 2nd I will be hosting a terrific comedy show to benefit UNIFEM:

www.unifem.org
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jMNe9puHd8

The Youtube link was put together by my friend Shorty Brown and her friends who are producing the event. Come on out and support a great cause. An all-star line-up: Eddie Pepitone,
Adam Richmond, Cynthia Levin, Jann Karam, Willis Turner & Jackie Kashian!

M Bar, 1253 Vine Street, LA 90038
(323) 856-0036
www.mbarhollywood.com

Tuesday Dec. 2, 2008
Doors open at 7pm, appetizers, drinks, silent auction, music.
Comedy show: 8-9:30pm followed by Michael Johns from American Idol singing!

$30 door, all proceeds go to UNIFEM.

Seve Gideon in The Happening

2008-11-10T19:21:00.000-08:00

Hello there people in Los Angeles. I wanted to plug a great show that kicks off this week.
Steve Gideon in The Happening, an evening of great songs of the 60's & 70's. Featuring music by
Joni Mitchell, Paul Simon, Peter Allen, Elton John, Jimmy Webb and more! Nov. 13, 15 and 19 at 8pm at the M BAR in Hollywood/ 1253 N. Vine at Fountain. RSVP: 800-838-3006. $15cover/$10 food Min. For more info visit www.stevegideon.net.

I'm going to do some stand-up at the beginning of the show/whip the crowd into a frenzy.
Hope to see you there!

Wichita! Tulsa! Dallas!

2008-09-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

Hello comedy fans in Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas. I'll be performing at the Wichita Orpheum on Friday 9/5, Club Majestic in Tulsa on Saturday 9/6 and the Lakewood Theater in Dallas on Sunday 9/7. Comics include Jason Dudey, Shawn Pelofsky, Paul J Williams and more! Come on out and support live comedy. Click on the links below for more information on the shows. Hope to see you there!

Comedy Central Presents!

2008-08-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

Greetings from NYC. This Tuesday August 26th I will be taping my half hour comedy central special at the Millennium Broadway-Hudson Theater in NYC. The theater is located at 145 W. 44th street, showtime at 7:30. If you want tickets, go to www.ocatv.com. I will keep everyone posted as to when the special will air on comedy central. Thanks for your continued support!

Gays R Us Turns 1!!!

2008-08-24T10:58:00.000-07:00

It's the GAYS R US ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY show!!! For the past year, we've been bringing you the best gay/gay friendly/questioning/drag queens/whatever goes comedy acts to the Hollywood Improv on the first Wednesday of every month. Thanks so much for all your support. Come on out and celebrate. The fabulous Lorayne Love www.myspace.com/loraynelove) will be hosting!

Our comics include:
Yours truly, H. Alan Scott, Shawn Pelofsky, Mark Davis, That's What She Said- a pair of funny gay chicks performing musical comedy, along with our headliner PAGE HURWITZ, half hour special on LOGO!!!

Wednesday September 3rd, 2008
7:45pm
Hollywood Improv
8162 Melrose Avenue one block west of Crescent Hgts
RSVP suggested: (323) 651-2583
$13 cover at door, but only $10 with flyer at right (click to print)

Thanks for your support. We hope to see you there!

- Erin

Play extended this week!

2008-08-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

Due to rave reviews, we added two more shows this week! Thursday Aug 7th and
Friday August 8th at 8pm. Wasn't "going to a play" on your to do list? Check it off and feel good about yourself. You'll look better in your bathing suit!

The deets:

I'm performing in For the Good Times, a night of three one-act plays:
Funeral Parlor by Christopher Durang, Welcome to the Moon by John Patrick Shanley and Rosemary with Ginger by Edward Allen Baker. The production is directed by Sal Romeo along with an amazing cast!

Thurs & Fri @8pm August 7th & 8th
Sidewalk Studio Theater
4150 Riverside Drive, Toluca Lake, 91505

Tickets $15/ Reservations (818)558-5702

Hope to see you there. Thanks, as always, for your support.

- Erin

Comedy! Comedy! August 6th

2008-07-29T02:45:00.000-07:00

The first Wednesday of the month is coming up, which means it's time for another fantastic Gays R Us Comedy Show at the Hollywood Improv! Please come out and support live comedy. It's stinking hot outside, but we have AC, funny peeps, alcohol and the fabulous drag queen Pam Tastic hosting! Let's do this.

Our comics include:
Erin Foley, Tony Tripoli, Amber Tozer, Beth Sherman, Adam Barnhardt, Jason Dudey, along with our headliner VICKI BARBOLAK, Nick at Nite's Funniest Mom in America!!!

Wednesday August 6th, 2008
7:45pm
Hollywood Improv
8162 Melrose Avenue one block west of Crescent Hgts
RSVP suggested: (323) 651-2583
$13 cover at door, but only $10 with flyer (shown at right, click to print)

Thanks for your support. We hope to see you there!

- Erin

The play continues...

2008-07-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks left, come on out! I'm performing in For the Good Times, a night of three one-act plays: Funeral Parlor by Christopher Durang, Welcome to the Moon by John Patrick Shanley and Rosemary with Ginger by Edward Allen Baker. The production is directed by Sal Romeo along with an amazing cast. The details:

Thurs & Fri @ 8pm July 24th & 25th, July 31st & Aug 1st
Sidewalk Studio Theater4150 Riverside Drive, Toluca Lake, 91505
Tickets $15/ Reservations (818)558-5702

Hope to see you there. Thanks, as always, for your support.

Erin Foley

I'm in a play!

2008-07-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

Hello fun people in LA. I'm performing in For the Good Times, a night of three one-act plays: Funeral Parlor by Christopher Durang, Welcome to the Moon by John Patrick Shanley and Rosemary with Ginger by Edward Allen Baker. The production is directed by Sal Romeo alongwith an amazing cast.

The details:

Thurs & Fri @8pm July 10th - Aug 1st

Sidewalk Studio Theater, 4150 Riverside Drive, Toluca Lake, 91505

Tickets $15/ Reservations (818)558-5702

Come on out and support live theater! Happy Summer.

- Erin

Watch! Listen!

2008-06-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

Hello peeps. I recently did some funny commentary for Soapnet. If you didn't catch it
on the television, hit up youtube. The spots are called "Relative Madness". Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOUZR_AedWQ

It's time for a podcast! Anne Neczypor and Jackie Monahan, two fantastic comics
have their own radio show called Girls on Girls, produced by Here Tv.
We chat about dating, religion, comedy and Harry Potter. Take a listen:

http://www.heretv.com/APodcastDetailPage.php?id=32

Welcome to the NEW & IMPROVED erinkfoley.com!!

2008-05-22T16:16:00.000-07:00

hello listeners,

man behind the blog here. for those of you visiting erinkfoley.com for the first time nothing at all will appear unusual! for everyone else, EVERYTHING has changed! welcome to the new & improved site for everything Erin Foley!! in addition to all of the newest EF material you'll find here, over the next several weeks and months we'll be adding new content and features to the site to give listeners a more in-depth look at Erin, her work and her accomplishments. we’ll also chronicle Erin’s stand on Last Comic Standing on NBC, premiering tonight, May 22nd @ 9:30 p.m. (PT).

this new site is the result of Erin's new and evolving partnership with now hear this (nht), a newly sprouted multi-faceted grass-roots seeding & consulting company providing emerging innertainers expanded opportunities to reach a wider audience. you can find out more about nht by visiting our website at www.hearitnow.org.

tune to erinkfoley.com for news, personal commentary, media and show information on this truly fabulous talent destined to be seen regularly at a movie theater, comedy club or rehab center near you!!

We've also updated Erin's MySpace! check it out and make her your Friend at www.myspace.com/erinfoley!! stay tuned...
man behind the blog

Taking my stand...

2008-05-21T02:35:00.001-07:00

Hey gang! Just wanted to let you know that I'm on the upcoming season of
Last Comic Standing! My first episode airs Thursday May 29th at 8:30pm
on NBC. Tune in and enjoy the jokes. Thanks for your continued support!

thought for the day

2007-12-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

Upon the completion of her novel, Uncle Tom's Cabin, Harriet Beecher Stowe
remarked, "I did not write it. God wrote it. I merely did his dictation".
Similarly, all my jokes were dictated to me by God. So if you don't find them funny, you don't find God funny. And if you don't find God funny then you're going to burn in hell and/or walk this earth miserable and alone wearing christmas sweaters year round while slowly going blind without access to corrective lenses. Please take this information into account before coming to see my next show. I'm at the Improv tonight...Al Madrigal headlines...come on out!

Winter in Los Angeles

2007-11-26T18:20:00.000-08:00

The weather is changing. I’m serious. I wore three layers this morning. Three. A t-shirt, a thin sweatshirt all under a jacket. Can you stand it? Yes. I can stand it. I can sit it. I can roll in it. I love it. Any change of weather in this city is exhilarating b/c everyday feels like groundhog’s day. You get up, look outside the window, “Oh, wow, another PERFECT day. Sunny and 75 degrees”. Since it’s so nice, everything must be fine. There’s nothing to complain about or feel shitty about so I’m just going to push down all my concerns, fears and anxiety to the bowels of my being. Later that day I’ll be driving and ram the back of someone’s sporty coup for “no apparent reason”. But I think we all know the reason. Nice weather year round is deadly. I want cold weather. I want a change of season. I want something to complain about. It’s only natural.

It usually hits around Jan 5th. The holidays are over and there’s nothing to distract you from the bitter cold. Misery. Your body’s natural hibernation process kicks in. You crave sleep, carbohydrates and thick beer. As the temperature lowers, so does your self-esteem. Your spare tire inflates, your skin dries and you feel less attractive than ever before. You’re wary to travel amongst humanity because you don’t want to meet anyone NEW in the winter. What a horrifying thought. Mingling in twenty degree weather with big wool sweaters, dry hair and rouge to offset your pasty white skin. Although you try, nothing can get you out of the house on a Friday night. “C’mon Emily Dickinson, let’s get in the game! Let’s do this!” Nope. You’re on the couch with a plate of leftovers and a shitty attempt at a hot tottie. No need to feel guilty because this is what our body needs. Check it:

I read an article from the NY Sunday Times (11/25/07) in the Op Ed section called “The Big Sleep” by Graham Robb. It looked at human hibernation during the winter and how it impacts the economy, blah blah blah. I write blah blah blah because I don’t want to ramble on and lose my demographic: people who have ADD. Apparently, in the 1900’s, peasants of the Pskov region in north-western Russia spent one-half of the year in sleep. “At the first fall of snow the whole family gathers around the stove, lies down, ceases to wrestle with the problems of human existence, and quietly goes to sleep. Once a day every one wakes up to eat a piece of hard bread.” Why the fuck was I not born a peasant in Russia during the 1900’s? I love to sleep. I love my family. Wrestling with the problems of human existence is over-rated and I LOVE bread. How can I possibly re-create this existence today? And I wouldn’t adapt to this way of life because adulthood makes me nervous and I’m unemployed and the chances of me making it in the entertainment business are very low and I can only live in a couple of places in this world because I’m a liberal gay woman who requires access to really good wine and take-out twenty four hours a day. I would do it for the CONTINUATION OF HUMANITY. By sleeping and eating only a piece of hard bread, my family and I would reduce fossil fuel emissions and take six months off from being greedy capitalist pigs. I’m kidding, of course, capitalism is the way to go!! See current economy. People have houses! People can read! *

I haven’t actually asked the rest of my family if they would partake in this new way of life. I can foresee some problems with the “sleeping around the stove” routine. My mom and I suffer from insomnia due to anxiety. She worries about everything that could happen and I worry about everything that will happen. You know basic stuff like the re-occurrence of plagues, the inconsistency of Eli Manning, what if I’m the last dragon rider, etc. But if we’re supposed to sleep for six months to help save the world, I think my anxiety would decrease. Or would it increase because I want to sleep and I can’t because I’m supposed to? I exhaust myself. My Dad is on board. I don’t even have to ask him. He’s totally laid back, up for anything and hates working so green light there. My older sister, Tara, teaches public school in Manhattan has two masters’ degrees and is working on her doctorate. She would embrace this new way of life because it would provide her more time to sleep and read. She’d also enjoy sitting around the stove teaching Megan (my twin sister) and me other languages and discussing EVERYTHING ever written using a critical literary lens because that’s how she tortures us. Megan would need some serious persuading because she has trouble relaxing, doesn’t need much sleep and has a voracious appetite. I’m telling you right now, one piece of hard bread would not cut it. I’d have to smuggle in loaves of cheese. That French cheese that doesn’t need to be refrigerated and creates feelings of nationalism and makes you want to work less. Yum.

For me, the phrase “ceases to wrestle with the problems of human existence” resonates in particular. Everyday I read the paper, watch the news, listen to NPR and debate all the issues with my friends. I’m informed, I vote, I’m passionate about politics and religion and civil rights and blah blah blah.
And everyday I become so worked up, so angry with our current regime, so disillusioned about the state of education, so frustrated that Derek Jeter and I aren’t friends yet, so bewildered at our foreign policy, so disheartened by our country’s stance on gay rights, so sad that Joanie doesn’t love Chachi and that Chachi has become a douchebag. And why? Why do I do this to myself? Except for a certain number of people in a certain number of states,
nobody gives a shit about any of it. They work at some random job, bring their kids to football practice, they believe in god, they vote occasionally, they wear Christmas sweaters year round and they’re FAT and HAPPY. And isn’t that the goal in life? So I’m going to do it. I’m going to sleep alongside my family for six months of the year, eating a piece of hard bread each day, working towards the goal of saving the world while becoming fat and happy.

*statistics taken from polls during 1953-1955.