An opiate addict/mom's road to redemption

i copied this from a blog i did almost two years ago....

2011-12-20T19:21:00.000-05:00

What else has been going on? Quick update on the parents I suppose. Dad's actually again doing a little better, has even gained a significant amount of weight back, which was a huge issue - he was down to 110, and he's a tall man...so the few pounds he's put back on are important. I swear my father is like the energizer bunny, just keeps going and going. I even said that to him a few nights ago, he laughed and we were joking like "won't you just hurry up and die" kind of thing, which of course sounds terrible but if your reading this and know my dad, and the humor he has and that we have together you know that it's just how we are and it was actually a funny and innocent conversation. He really is astonishing though, Doctors have counted him out of the game so many times...as have I - always thinking that "it's really happening this time, he's really dying" and he always bounces back. He really is like the energizer bunny and I am damn thankful for it and hope that it continues for quite some time to come. Just can't imagine what life would be like for me without him - he's half of me - so many choices i made were to stay in the area and no be away from him - so what would happen if one day he just died? I'm sure I'd become a mess, and my whole life would loose a great deal of meaning and significance. I don't know - lets just hope he keeps fooling these Doctors and lives to be 100.

'You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em. know when to walk away, know when to run"

2011-12-20T16:07:00.000-05:00

There are all sorts of sayings.... like - Pick your battles
- Dedicate to things you fully believe in, or people
- Know when to walk away
- Know when you should stay
- Go with your gut, but at what costs?

I'm really bad with any part of any situation that gives the good advice of just walking away from something. When my marriage was falling apart, I knew it was over - but I would have stayed with him rather then be without him, even if it meant a miserable marriage. I was convinced for way to long that we could make it work, that he and i belonged together. I was terrified of being alone, being a single mother...etc.

That's just 1 of many more examples of how I 'go with my gut' without using my brain. I run almost totally on emotions, which can make me carry a few positive traits, but it can also steer me in so many wrong directions. Feelings are feelings, and I need to learn not to base choices on feelings alone.

My ego is fragile and gets bruised often. Because of that i usually end up holding that against the few people in my life who don't deserve it. I hold on to ever ounce of emotional pain i've ever had, and it makes me more full of baggage then any other single mom in my shoes.

Lately all I've done is see the worst in people - forgetting all the good. I dont want to be that bitter, sad, lonely, person that lets that kind of thinking get the best of her. I dont want to wake up 50 and see myself in the same light.

Good things are coming - and i have the balls to just wish i had someone to share those things with? I am a damn strong person, and i'm sure countless people reading this just laughed out loud at that statement. But I have survived more then most people my age, or older ever have. I think if I was as weak as I can come across sometimes, then I'd be dead by now. But I'm not, and i need to at least give myself some credit for making it this far, through all the shit storms, deaths, drugs, jail, almost loosing my life just this summer, etc.

So yeah Christmas will suck this year without my dad with us. But I'll deal with that, so Brian can have the best Christmas as to date. That also makes me strong. I might not be mommy of the week, day even .... but i put his happiness above my saddness. I'm making things better only thinking of how that could help him in his future. Good things are out there, people too. I just have felt betrayed by some people lately i never would have imagined....but again, i blame one of them for a million other things as well - so it doesn't even kind of even out to be fair on them.

This is a lot of randomness I know. But hey, random thoughts pop into my head, then i blog - that's the point, i think?
XOOOXOXOXOXOOXOX

Quick Post

2011-12-16T10:23:00.000-05:00

I just copied and pasted this from my face book status. The first part that is in quotes came from a website that sends me daily messages about dealing with loss. The second is me trying to hard to explain why it feels the way it does for me. I dunno... just trying to make the few people in my life who are trying to understand what this is doing to me that I love them for even giving it a second thought - and I do need you in my life... the problem is that it shouldn't be one persons resposibility for me to put all that need onto them - even the few close friends I have shouldn't even have to take one sections of that kind of need. I know this will get better - and I apologize for being so 'needy' right now. I'm sure after Christmas this will calm back down in my head again like it was for awhile. I'm positive that it will get easier. Just praying that it comes sooner then later.

‎"You are more than your grief. Although it feels so big that it overtakes your life, your life is bigger. Your soul is bigger. You have a vast spaciousness within you that mirrors the spaciousness around you. This can be difficult to remember and even harder, at times, to recognize, but grief is NOT the TOTALITY of your existence on this planet. Hold the spaciousness and the grief simultaneously. Grief can make you feel like you've lost purpose especially if your loved one was ill and you helped care for them...the questions of 'now what' are probably echoing in your head countless times a day. You are more then your grief, and you were always more then the person your grieving for. Sometimes the hardest part comes right after a death, other times it hits you months or even years later and comes with no warning. The grieving process is not a science, and EVERY person will go through it differently. Try to be thankful for those you have that are still with you - it's not weak to ask for help, it might just be one of the strongest things you will ever do. I just hope for your sake that the people around you will be there if you reach out, because I know how hard it can be to do something seemingly so simple. Just keep remembering today, all day, that you are more then your grief." - Needed these words today

I might post a lot about my dad and missing him. If I see you I might even talk about it casually in passing. If we're close I'll talk about it often, but rarely even allow myself to tear up while doing so. But when the hard parts hit I don't talk, during those times Id like nothing more then to hide in a locked room where I'd never have to answer the question ' are you ok ' again. Because people just ask you that hoping to hear, 'yep, i'm fine' and then they can say that they asked, tried, did their part. FINE means, fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional - so if I say I'm fine, then that's exactly what I mean. My father was a ghost to the world long before he died - out of site out of mind. That's why he didn't get visitors at the nursing home - because he had been a ghost for so many years. He just wasn't a ghost to me, he was literally half of me. He wasn't a ghost to my mom, or to Brian, or to Jim when he lived here ... but grieiving for someone who people feel has to them been gone 10 years already, makes it easy for them to forget that it's only been 3 months to me and my mom. Ugh I'm just rambling....I hope everyone has a great day - I gotta get ready for work!

Fun Idea....

2011-12-12T12:33:00.000-05:00

I was just updating my profile and there is a section where you can answer 1 really random question about the dumbest things, like "why do you think the Earth is flat" or "If you were a cannible what would you wear to dinner" really weird shit. Who comes up with these questions is what I'd like to know. I've generated like 12 different ones trying to find something with a little meaning, or something funny that could give my readers a better sense of my humor, or outlook on life - but so such luck with using the questions the blogger page asks. So how's this, ask me the most random question possible, and I promise to answer it as honestly and openly as I can??? Just put it in as a comment, and let me know who you are, and we'll go from there. It might be a fun way to get to know me personally a little bit more, if that's possible considering there aren't many topics I don't touch on just by writing the blog - but things I wouldn't think to write about, questions I wouldn't think to answer, stuff like that. It can be as random, funny, deep, personal, crazy or even insane of a question as you can come up with....a challenge for us both :-)

I put up a picture of me and my very best girlfriend...I did that because she knows me better then almost anyone, so ask me a question from her perspective if it's easier, since she know's everything it'll make it a tad harder to think of something no one else has ever thought to ask or been curious to know.

Pictures

2011-12-12T09:46:00.001-05:00

Just some pictures - couple are old photo's that I took a picture of with my new digital camera (awesome early Christmas gift from Zat) and a couple are recent of my pride and joy, Brian...to show how damn grown up he's looking - time just goes way too fast! XOXOXO *Krista*

Life and Death

2011-12-12T09:42:00.000-05:00

I recently spent a few minutes trying to write an open and honest, fully divulging, therapeutic and non redundant post about all the events that had happened in my life since the last time I had written. The reason I always wanted to keep up on this project of mine was because I know me, and once too much time passes in between posts there is just so much to try and fill my readers in on that it becomes overwhelming....which then causes me to write a half-assed blog, a rushed post that barely gets into things on any real level, but instead just skims the surface of whatever I'm writing about, and have been dealing with on a personal level. So the only way for me to really sit down and write the way that works best for me is to pretend that I've been writing all along, that you already know everything of importance that's occurred and just concentrate on what it is I feel the need to share, instead of getting overwhelmed and not writing at all. So that's what I'm going to do this morning - if some of it's repeated information from my latest entry I apologize, so here's to my best effort of describing what I've been going through since I lost my father.

For anyone who knows me now or did earlier in my life, for anyone who's read my blog or has known my family at any point during my lifetime, and for anyone who knows even just a little bit about me through the grapevine already knows that I've spent my entire life in fear of loosing my dad. I dwelled and dwelled on it so much as a child that I'm sure it was very unhealthy for my mental development and well being. It's always been the 'big fear' the phobia, the darkness that's hung over my head. My mom dealt with her husbands illness in the opposite way, pure denial - he had gone through so many bad phases and bounced back, that I honestly believe that she, at some point, was able to convince herself that she'd never loose him. I always thought my way of approaching the subject was healthier, that it meant I'd be more prepared when it finally did happen - that I was at least dealing with it...but now I truly believe that my mom actually was the one who had it right all these years. Almost every special occasion that I can remember was in part dampered down if not ruined because instead of focusing on how happy I was that Dad was still here, I was concentrating on the fact that that Christmas, or this birthday, or something like that would be his last - then I'd imagine how that would feel, and poof their went my special occasion. I don't say this lightly, but his illness defined me, I allowed it to - the fear I carried with me my entire life weighed on me in such unhealthy ways, it was more of an obsession then it was anything else. I made really big choices in my life, and later down the road those choices affected not only me but a husband and child. Moving away from home, more then maybe an hours drive was something I never considered because I had to be close incase something happened - there were jobs I turned down, opportunities I missed out on and like I said before it was all consuming and totally defined who I was and how I lived my life. I'm not talking about issues I had with drugs being caused by this, or using this as an excuse to why I turned out certain ways that I did.... and my Dad wanted me to succeed more then anything, he wanted to see me happy, healthy, in love and being loved more then he wished for anything else. He always knew what an impact his sickness had on me, and he hated it, blamed himself for me being sad or scared for such a big part of my life. I did though want to clarify that I'm talking about my entire life, choices I made when I was 15 or 16 (before I had even ever gotten drunk or smoked weed) I'm talking about the big picture, not just the section of my life that I've written about so much in this blog, the reasons for there even being a blog to speak of.

The point I'm trying to get at is that because I built loosing my dad up so much in my head, that instead of it preparing me for the day it happened it had almost the opposite effect....the only good thing I can say about how I managed that fear and my life with him, is that I didn't really take it for granted - there were times I'm sure - but the majority of the time our relationship was one in a million. And that is because I always had his illness in the back of my head so we had certain rules in my house growing up....we would never go to bed mad, even if it meant staying up and fighting far into the night we would, my head wasn't allowed to touch my pillow until whatever issue that was there had been resolved, at least enough to say "I love you" and we'll talk more about this in the morning. Every time I left the house I'd give my parents a kiss on the cheek and tell them I loved then, as they did me. At the end of every phone call there was an "I love You," my dad and I would write little notes to each other, every card we ever gave one another had been thought of and not bought quickly but instead we took the time to find the ones that were just perfect for us. I'm comforted by so many pictures, letters, cards, video's....and all those were saved knowing that one day they would be all I had. For petes sake I have his hospital bracelet from when he had that big operation in Pittsburg, I've got little cards from flowers he would get me if we had had a fight the night before and if he felt like he was wrong, I'd get flowers delivered to me with a note that just said "I'm sorry" or "I love you" I saved all those things through all those years. So although my fear of his death took away a lot of my innocence as a kid, and my piece of mind growing up - the way I handled it had it's good points too... the relationship that my father and I had was what it was due to that fear, due to his illness. I don’t know any other woman who shared the kind of Father/Daughter relationship that I had - he was home more then most other Dads because of his illness, so he played Mr. Mom often - I could talk to him about anything, and I mean anything! So although I was always scared of the big black monster that for me was life without him, it did have it's good points. And 10 years ago I thought that it would prevent me in full of having to deal with any type of guilt after he was gone, because I knew he was fully aware of how much I cared for him, how much he meant to me....I was basically a near perfect daughter for the majority of my life. Unfortunately when that changed, when I started rebelling, when I started making awful choices in my life, and when those choices hurt my father more then I could possibly describe I lost that guilt free attitude with him. And it's that guilt that is now giving me the hardest grieving time that I've ever had in the past. When my grandfather passed away there was no guilt - I had expressed to him how much I loved him, I had never disappointed him in the ways I later would have if he hadn't died when he did. I was lying next to him for Gods sake when he took his last breath....so while it devastated me more then I could have imagined...when I was coping with his death I didn't have that awful, all consuming guilt hanging over my head. When Ellis died there was a little guilt there, guilt for not being who he wanted me to be in his life, guilt for being so scared of his death that until those last months with him occurred I had tried pushing him away, thinking it'd hurt less if I were to lose him. But those last months did happen, and I was there for him in every way I could, I told him 10 times a day how much I loved him, how sorry I was that these were the cards he was dealt, how sorry I was for not being a better friend at times during his illness. But I was given a chance to make it right, and I took that chance and ran with it...and looking back I had done that a few times even prior to his last months - like when I organized and worked my ass off on that bone marrow drive I've mentioned at least once in this blog. So yeah there was 'some' guilt there after he died, some little things that kept popping up in my head when I was grieving for him....but for the most part I had peace - knowing that in the end I was a great friend to him, that he knew how much I loved him and how much I was going to miss him. That peace helped me more then anything else could have, with both my Papa and Ellis...but that isn't the case this time around.

My father and I loved one another unconditionally. We'd fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but usually only because we were so much alike, both stubborn and always ready for an argument. But the relationship him and I shared for the first 20 years of my life ended up changing in that last 8 years of his life. He lost respect for me in little pieces here and there for random things I had done or choices I had made. But on June 6th, 2009 I made a choice that would change our relationship in ways that were irreversible. When I was arrested, with his beautiful grandson in the car, when all light was shed on the life I had been living right under his nose without him knowing about it, and when he realized that he could no longer recognize me that was not a turning point for us, it was THE turning point for us. He never wanted perfection from me, his dreams for me weren't aimed at riches, fame, a Pulitzer prize, lol - he just wanted me to be an honest, respectable, loving person - a good mom, a good wife - he wanted for me to be able to be proud of myself - he wanted better for me then he had, etc....he told me one time that I could murder someone, and although he would turn me in (if he thought others were in danger from me) that he would love me no less then he had before, that he would always be in my corner, and that nothing at all could ever change that. He didn't bank on me hurting the one person who came closest to his heart as I did, Brian. So when that happened he told Jim point blank, as long as Brian gets home safe to them, he didn't care if I rotted in that jail cell. At that point he meant every word. The anger faded throughout the next few years - he saw how hard I was trying to right my wrongs - he acknowledged that I was a good mom despite my past actions - he wanted nothing more then to put it all behind us. I have no doubt that he was able to forgive me for my actions during those darkest years, but he didn't have the ability to forget them....and he lived his last years in constant fear that I would end up right back to that point again - that I'd screw up in another horrific way and I'd loose Brian...that fear which he carried made it impossible for us to ever again have that relationship we once had.

So there's where the guilt comes into play. It's a worthless emotion, I know - because I can't change the reasons I have that guilt - and now that he's gone I can't make up for it, or talk to him about it, or whatever I could try to make it right between us again. And after spending my entire life just wanting 1 more year...or him to live long enough to see this, or that...after being so grateful that he made it as long as he did....now part of me wishes I had lost him at 18 - because then I'd be at peace with who I was to him, how strong our relationship was. But of course I'm thrilled that he had 6 full years with Brian - and I wouldn't take that away from either of them just so I could selfishly deal with his death easier. It's just a double edged sword - because by definition I was one hell of a daughter to him until I wasn't - and it seemed to really happen that quickly and without warning.

Then of course both my mom and I have a certain level of guilt that he lived his last months in a nursing home and not here with us. We know in our heads that it was the best option for our whole family, especially my Dad ... but his depression and fear that he felt being over there is a hard pill for us to swallow. He adjusted in the last couple months, and agreed that we had made the right choice - but those first few months spent in the Nursing Home were harder on him then we ever could have seen coming. He said one day to me that he just couldn't believe that this was it, that after fighting for as long as he had, for doing everything he could to stick around for our family, that this was how it was ending....him alone in a bed in a nursing home, where people either go to get rehabilitation, or where they go to die - and he knew which he was there for. Me getting hurt in the beginning of his last summer doesn't help my level of guilt either. I know I didn't get hurt on purpose, and that I didn't have a choice in the matter - but it kept me away from him for 4 entire weeks while I was in the hospital and when I first made it home. It kept me from being able to visit him on a regular basis, to once a week if I was lucky. So missing out on all that time that I could have had with him, hadn't I been hurt, is something else that I'm having a hard time dealing with.

Don't get me wrong though, his last month or so was different. He had come to peace about staying at the nursing home for good...he was having a lot more good days then he had been having a few months prior. Brian, my mom and I were visiting often - Mom was even living there for rehab on her knee for a few weeks, which brought them closer together then they had been in a long time. I'm jealous of that, but so happy for my mom because any guilt she had was being cut down to a more bearable size - they had told each other that they had been lucky for that time because they fell in love with each other all over again....what a gift! The last conversation they had was the afternoon before he died....they last words they spoke to each other were (mom - "I love you Frankie" Dad - "I love you more sweetheart") It can't get much better then that. I didn't see him that day. I had gone to a Dr's appointment in Glens Falls with my grandmother, Brian and mom, and was pissed off when we got home because I wasn't healing as quickly as I was wanting, I was still in so much pain, and I had a attitude that afternoon...one that caused me to not want to deal with anyone, so when we got back to North Creek my mom dropped me and Brian off at the house, and she went to see my dad....I hadn't even called him that night - well I had tried but he didn't answer. So I can't tell you what our last words were to each other, I can't say that I had an amazing conversation with him that day - and I'm jealous of my mom for getting them both.

When the phone rang at 10:00 - 10:30 PM that night I knew right away it had something to do with Dad. Him being dead never entered my mind, but I thought maybe he was having a bad night, confused, scared - and they were calling to see if someone could come sit with him...or a nurse was letting us know that he was going to the hospital for whatever reason. But when I heard her voice, and when she asked specifically to speak with my mom it all changed. The volume on the phone was loud enough that I even heard her ask my mom if she was sitting down - I knew. My mom freaked out, she was in such shock because there hadn't been a warning, she screamed and cried - I just sat calmly and called my Aunt and Grandmother to ask one of them to come over and pick her up, she had to go to the nursing home to sign papers, and wait for the funeral home to pick him up. Brian was here that night so I wasn't going anywhere, and even if he hadn't been - I still would have stayed home.... I was numb, it wasn't real to me at all. So my Aunt and Zat (grandmother) rushed right over to the house to pick up my mom....I asked my mom to tell them not to come in because I didn't want to see anyone - because I didn't want the numbness to be gone yet. But my Aunt Sass did come in, and she sat next to me and hugged me, cried and told me how sorry she was....it was starting to sink in. Then after they left - I calmly started the phone calls, Jim, my sister Laura, my best friend Katy, and my best guy friend at the time Steve. Steve was amazing, before I had a chance to finish the sentence he had turned his truck around and was heading here to be with me. I know I ended up freaking him out a little bit though by the lack of emotion I was showing - I wasn't a puddle, I was like a robot one minute, then a little emotion would spill out until I caught myself and went back to being a robot.

I miss my father more then I could possibly explain. I'd give almost anything for 1 more movie night with him...1 more moment where I acted like a lap dog and would curl myself on top of his lap for a big hug....1 more argument even....1 more "I love you", just 1 more of anything. In the last 3 months since he died I've gone back and fourth between Robot and emotional basket case. There will be days upon days that I don't even tear up....then there will be a day, without any reason or warning where I can barely hold myself together. It's extra hard that he was such a Ghost to the majority of people well before his death. Even my mother's family had barely laid eyes on him for the last few years of his life. He wasn't able to go to the store anymore - my mom wasn't working at the Laundromat anymore so he didn't have there to go to socialize and get out of the house - he hadn't been well enough to go to family functions, etc. So other then for my Mom, myself, Brian, Jim, Zat and a few random people that would be at my house sporadically to visit - he was a Ghost. It's hard enough when it's all done, like the funeral, the people stopping over, the cards stop coming, people stop randomly calling to check it - that's when it starts to really hit you...but in my dads situation it wasn't just that typical stuff that was hard, knowing that his death would only truly affect a small handful of people was hard to accept. He was too good of a man for that, he was my everything, so it's hard to see that other people had felt like he was gone years before he actually died.

Sometime I just want to be alone, to not have anyone around me. But there are other times where I want to let go of holding it all inside, be around someone I'm comfortable enough with to cry, scream, whatever it is I feel I need to do at that time. Nights are the hardest of course - so that's usually when I frantically at times will reach out to the few good friends I have....and if it's at all possible beg them if I must to come over and hang out, just to watch a movie - just so I'm not sitting alone, scared, sad, missing my father. Quiet has become an enemy of mine, thinking has become what sets me off, and the guilt is what I dwell on. But when I get lucky, and happen to be having one of those awful nights, and can find a good friend to sit with me, just be here, it makes all the difference in the world. I keep trying to convince myself that this is normal, that I'm not making more out of this then I should be - loosing a parent is one of the hardest things anyone can go through - loosing my dad was even a little bit harder then most. It can be all consuming at times, all I can think about, all I can focus on - but those times aren't frequent, and I feel like I'm holding it together better then I thought I would. Last year I would have expected that when this would happen I'd run right back to the Heroin, right back to not giving two shits about anything but how and when I was going to get high.....but I haven't - and that is a big achievement in my mind, 1 thing I can be proud of myself for. I thought if anyone's death would just destroy me it would be this one (of course I'm not talking about if something happened to Brian, because that'd be an entirely different kind of loss, something too awful to even allow myself to think of) but it hasn't destroyed me...I'm stronger then I give myself credit for sometimes. And again, it's only been 3 months - in time I'm sure I'll be much better then I am today or have been. Thank God for those few people I consider friends though - there are 3 imparticular that have been almost like a glue for me, every time I feel like I'm popping open at the seams, they're able to glue me back together - even if they aren't even aware that that's what is occurring. Thank God for Brian, because the grief and depression associated with this loss would have been a lot more debilitating if I didn't have to fake it for him....especially right now, getting ready for our first Christmas without him - if it weren't for Brian I would love nothing more then to skip Christmas this year - but Brian is here, and Brian deserves to have the best holiday season yet - who knows if this is the last year or not I'll have that he believes in all the magic of Christmas, Santa, etc - I'm not going to miss out on that because I'm missing my father. And although my mom and I still fight a lot - and argue over just about anything we can - we've been there for each other. She was strongest when I was at my weakest - and visa versa. We're trying to hold each other up.

So there is my first real blog post in a really long time. It's length is ridiculous, and the time it took me to write all this is quite impressive, how it just all spilled out of me and into my fingers and onto this page. I hope I succeeded in what I was trying to do, and how I wanted to write this - leave comments and let me know if I still remember how to 'blog' LOL - I’m really going to make an effort to pick it back up, it's silly not to when it can bring me so much comfort. Every time I write a long, descriptive letter, blog, journal entry - I feel like a little weight comes off my shoulders, so the more I write the more weight is taken away.....who would pass that opportunity up?? But yeah, comment if you have the time, just so I know if anyone is still out there in cyber world reading this...I wish you all a very HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND MEMORABLE Holiday season. Much love XOXOXO *Krista*

Long time

2011-12-05T17:31:00.000-05:00

Wow, I just was asked by one a friend how my blog was going....I told him I couldn't even remember the last time that I had written in it - and he told me in so many words that I should start back up because he always found my story moving and honest, which is quite a compliment. Writing has always been very theraputic for me, yet it seems like when things in my life have ever gotten too over emotional I clam up and have a hard time writing. So this will be an attempt, not promising that it'll add up to much of anything. I'm not going to try and fill people in on my entire life since I last wrote, I dont have that much time nor patience at the moment to even try to condense that much into a single post....but I will write about the most significant event that occurred, which if you know me at all, you know I'm talking about the death of my father on August 29th, 2011.

After 28 years of being ill and having so many close calls, my Dad finally lost his battle and passed away in his sleep at 10:30 PM on that Monday night in August. He had actually been doing quite well, we had no warning what so ever and although he had been sick for so long it was a huge shock to us when we got that awful phone call. I have to be grateful though because he didn't suffer that night - he fell asleep after a big meal and jokes with his nurses, a perfect last conversation and visit with my mom and died shortly thereafter from not being able to expell enough CO2.

The first week or so I was a complete puddle....then the numbness set in, which I thought was great. Now again it's hitting me like a ton of bricks. I just have so much guilt, so many things I wish I had done differently, so many 'should-a would-a could-a's.' He was the single most important man in my life (my son of course isn't a man yet) and I had been terrified of his death my entire life....God I was imagining what his funeral would be like when I layed in bed during my early childhood. It was always this big looming black monster that I built my life around, as pathetic as that sounds.

So now there's this huge gaping hole. The fact that it's Christmas time is of course making it all the more difficult. It's hard too because I feel as if my Dad was a Ghost to most people during his last years - he wasn't well enough to leave the house, he didn't have friends, no one came to visit - so it was just always us....so it's a really lonely feeling thinking that i'm one of only 2 or 3 other people who are feeling this tremendous loss.

See I can't even write - I attempted, I failed. I'm just turning myself into a blubbering mess and that's just pointless. "Grin and Bare it" right? It's a part of life, no one escapes it. I know everyone says this, and when I lost my grandfather, and then Ellis I said it then too - but what I would give for just one more conversation, hug, "i love you." And now I wish I could just turn it off and go back to that comfortable state of numbness I was living in soon after his death - but the longer it goes the more it sinks in and the more permenant I realize it is. Thank God I have a few very close friends who are there for me, those people really have helped me keep it together these last few months. For some reason the last couple nights have just been extra rough....I have to remember though it's only been 3 months - which in all reality isn't that long when it comes to the whole grieving process. And there are good things in my life right now - wonderful things - I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom. It's just a shitty night, some are shittier then others and for right now this is right up there with the worst of em - but one thing that is pretty amazing about life, no matter how good or bad things are - they change, and one day I can feel like I do right now, and tomorrow I could be in the most peaceful place imaginable....it just is what it is.

But right now I'm just tired, and forcing myself to write isn't what this should be, just stating facts and rambling to try and fill a page was never the point of this blog....so I'll just stop here. Hopefully in the near future I'll be in a better place and will be able to really write about things, not just explain details, if that makes sense. So Im going to go get my beautiful little boy fed, bathed and ready for bed....I hope anyone who reads this can find themselves in a wonderful place, ready for the holidays and you are content with your life right now! I'm going to turn the faucet off and go spend the two hours with Brian before he's in bed, and pray that I'm able to sleep tonight - I will complain and whine about one more thing...nights! I won't even attempt to go to bed until I'm to the point of such exhaustion that i know I will pass right out - too many things run through my mind if I try and lie in bed waiting to sleep. Thank you to my friends and family who have listened and not told me to shut up these last few months - who have been here for me and my mom as much as possible. I dont know where I'd be without those 'good ole folks' lol :-) If you've made it this far in reading this blog I give you lots of credit, I dont know if I could handle reading someone go on and on about this kind of subject matter. Next time I write I'll try and do it in the daytime - nothing for me is as sad or scary in the day as they are at night. XOXOXO

6 months!

2011-07-02T21:55:00.000-04:00

I'm so disappointed with myself, SIX months since I've written my last blog entry. The main reason I wanted to write daily was so when I did write I didn't have to spend hours filling people in on what's been occurring - there goes that grand idea, huh? There is just so much that's happened in the last 6 months, that I know without a doubt that it'd be impossible to sit here that long and try to cover it all. So I'm going to make a list of a few of the main things that have 'gone down' and then I'm just going to write about the last few weeks I've had, best plan I could come up with :-)

-Dad came down with double pneumonia. As a family we've always been so scared of pneumonia, that's been like the big scary sickness my dad's done everything to avoid since I can remember. Anyone who lives in or has lived in this household for any period of time has gotten their yearly flu shots, if someone was sick with any type of bad cold or had a fever they weren't allowed in, my dad wouldn't share drinks with any of us if we had the slightest cold, etc. So the fact that he had double pneumonia, was just scary icing on the cake. Yet, after some time in the hospital and lots of IV antibiotics, he beat it...and it was a severe case also which made it even more impressive. When he was discharged from the hospital he went into the nursing home, for good this time. It's been super difficult because he hates it there and wants so badly to come home...if he could just accept it and stop thinking there was a way for him to come home, then I believe it would be easier on us all. It doesn't help though that his current roommate is deaf, dumb and blind and is in pain so he moans all the time. Poor man. But it's so hard for my dad to be there anyhow, but to have to deal with such a sad and depressing situation right in his room doesn't help. See and my dad still is 100% mentally coherent, and with it...and many of the other patients over there just aren't, many people with dementia of all kinds, and for someone who is mentally as sharp as a tack, it's scary, depressing and can make you feel very alone. I could go on for a really long time about this scenario, how we made this decision, how we've all been dealing with it, why he's in there permanently, etc etc etc - but like I said I really don't want to just write about past events to catch everyone up, because my recent event is long enough of a story to try and explain.

Just by looking at how long that one explanation became, I changed my mind and will try to catch everyone up in another blog post...because I can't sit at my computer desk for very long periods of time and I'd never make it if I wrote what I had intended on writing. "Krista, why can't you sit at your computer desk for any long length of time?" Computer, I'm so glad you asked, because I was just getting to that, lol - yeah I'm pathetic, haha.

On June 4th I was walking down my porch steps and slipped and fell. It didn't hurt that badly, I got a small scratch on the top of my foot, twisted my ankle a bit, but nothing sever to say the least. I didn't even need a band aid on my foot, it wasn't even bleeding - just a little scrape. The next morning I noticed that my left foot was swollen up quite a lot, but just figured it was due to the fact that I had twisted my ankle and assumed it was sprained. By that night though it began hurting really badly and I could barely walk on it. The next 2 days it just got worse, swelled more, hurt terribly, and I couldn't even put an ounce of weight on it. On the 2nd night I called my Aunt Sass after realizing my temp was 104 and asked her if the next morning she could bring me down to the ER...which of course she agreed to.

As soon as I hobbled into triage I knew things were much worse then I had expected. The nurse looked at my foot and had me sent within 2 minutes into the ER. Then when doctors started flocking around me I knew things were a lot more serious then I had expected. I started hearing words like "septic, emergency surgery, cellulites, MRSA, fever, etc." They then gave me a big ole shot of fentynal which got me pretty fuzzy and I don't remember too much after that.

An amazing Doctor who is head of the vascular unit at GFH was my surgeon and I felt very comfortable with him right off the bat, thank God! So the next time I really started sobering up was up in the ICU, with my first IV's, and a heart monitor, and all sorts of tubes and machines. I found out that in my surgery the Doctor had to remove 3 big holes from the top of my foot, in hopes that the infection would drain through those and not cause more damage. I was on two super heavy duty antibiotics through my IV's, and it turns out that my specific strain of infection was a Strep. The main three that are like what I had are Staph, MRSA, and Strep. The Dr. told me that the little scratch on my foot was the reason behind it, and assured me that I'd be ok and that everyone would be keeping a close eye on me.

The next day when the surgeon came in to change my bandaging all hell broke loose in my room. First off I had a mild panic attack when I looked at the three huge holes in my foot...and the pain was so intense that I came close to passing out. Then he told me that we were most likely going to have to operate again because there were new black area's of my skin, which means dying tissue. Yeah isn't that nice, I had a flesh eating disease, ick. Then he noticed that my left leg was bright red and hot too the touch - meaning the infection had traveled upwards. He quickly scheduled my second surgery for the following day, and drew some lines on my leg so he'd be able to tell if the red area's were higher or lower the next time he saw me. I was warned though that if black area's showed up on my leg then an amputation might be my only option.

So of course I was scared out of my mind, my family was in and out of the hospital visiting, and they were all scared to death...it was just a nightmare. The second surgery sucked! I woke up very quickly after being wheeled out of the OR, and when I did, the pain was so unbearable that I had never experienced anything close to it, yes even in childbirth. When I got back to my room my grandmother, and mom were in there and my crying only got worse and the pain wasn't getting any better. Luckily the nurses ended up rushing in and giving me more pain meds through my IV and it was just enough to bring it down to a humane level. I was still in the ICU at this point, had barely slept a wink because of pain and fear, and was missing Brian like crazy.

The next morning my surgeon came in to look at his handwork. First though he looked at my leg, and finally I was cut a break and the redness had started to lighten up and move down! So for the time being I was keeping my leg, which made things so much less terrifying. Then he took off my bandage and the panic attack I had after the first surgery was nothing compared to the freak out I had this time. I wish I had a picture of what it looked like on that first day, but I do have a picture from a week later...lucky you all, I'll show you - it's already been on facebook so most of you have se

en it.

I spent another 5 or 6 days in the ICU, which is the way to go if your in a hospital! The nurses only have like 2 patients at a time, so you get tons of great and quick care, private room, and just a few other nice perks that aren't available in other parts of the hospital. After that time I was transferred down to the surgical floor and stayed there about another week. Totaling my hospital stay at 16 days.

To sum this up quickly because my foot's starting to hurt - if it's not elevated it does that. I am now home. I have to go to the wound center once a week to see my surgeon, and I have a private nurse come into the house once a day to change my bandages. I'm now off antibiotics, which makes me a little nervous since I have a huge open wound, but ah well. I've got about 3 or more operations to look forward too. Skin grafts, harvesting healthy tissue from my hip, and whatever else they need to do. Once I start feeling better I'll start physical therapy, ect. No question that my summer will be spent with my foot up in bed, unable to work or anything, after that I can't even guess what the time period will look like, neither can the doctors. I'm keeping a good attitude though, grateful that this wasn't all much much worse. I'm figuring out how to still do fun stuff with Brian, inside and out. It is what it is though and all I can do is make the best of it, because like I said, it's going to be a long recovery.

I'll definitely write again soon to get my blog caught up. If I was crazy with details in the beginning and then just raced through things in the end that's just because my foot started throbbing so I wanted to wrap things up quickley. Hope you are all well....lots of love.

Rugrats

2011-01-08T19:27:00.000-05:00

Well I'm sitting at the computer desk while Brian is watching some Rugrat movie on Netflix through his Wii and thought I'd briefly blog, again trying to get myself back into the habit.

Today was a nice, average day...Brian got home at 7AM, we snuggled on the couch and watched a movie, had some pancakes, played in the snow, shoveled, had some dinner, played some games and now it's almost bedtime. I dare say that it was a perfectly contented average day, and I like those! I feel like I'm currently waiting for the 'other shoe to drop...' and it's not even like things are going so perfectly in my life as it is, but I'm reaching certain levels of comfort and that never seems to last long, so Im a little wearie of it. I've accepted the 4 day a week mom role, for now anyways, and I'm beginning to enjoy my 3 nights I have weekly to myself, to what I want to do....and yes for the record, I feel guilty that I've come to that, and gotten used to it - but I have. Hopefully I can chop it up to growth, allowing change, attapting to undesirable situations that I can't control, etc....hopefully it's not my true selfish nature coming through to the surface.

As much as I feel like I'm on a roll right now and could really dive into some long winded post with tid bits of sanity - Brian is begging for me to play 1 game of Mario Cart with him before he goes off to bed...and quite frankly I'm not very good at saying no to him, he's too damn cute for my own good, LOL. I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend, take care!

1/1/11

2011-01-01T13:32:00.000-05:00

Well it's a whole New Year - and since I was probably 13 I always had a little extra smidge of hope on New Years...thinking of it as a clean slate, fresh start. It's pretty stupid to really think that way because it is just another day, things are never any different on 1/1 as they were on 12/31 - but even so there is always that flicker of chance that things will drastically change overnight....again it's dumb to think that way, but like most people I can't help myself.

Strangely enough, I haven't been crazy miserable as of late - I'll even go as far as to say that I've almost been on a level of contentment. I'm not saying there isn't still plenty that needs to change, plenty of ways I can improve my life, endless options of ways I can do so, and there still are tons of things that need to be 'tweaked.' BUT all and all things have been pretty decent lately and I'm not taking that for granted. I've always said that all I ever wanted was to be content, yeah fame and fortune would be great, but I'll be 100% satisfied to just reach a level of existence that is bearable; content on certain levels.

I'm getting used to the way things are now - that Brian is here when he is, and not when he's not....that Jim isn't my husband anymore, even if legally he is....that it'll continue to be an uphill battle for a long time to come....I'm no longer looking so hard for that instant gratification that would change things in a second - I'm grown up enough now to realize that things don't work that way and that the only person to change my life will and always has been me. That doesn't freak me out anymore, which is a big step for me - knowing that someone or something won't just swoop down and fix it all, really understanding that it's up to me........again for anyone who really knows me, knows that just me realizing something so simple once and for all is pretty big.

I still need to find a more reliable job, I have no desire to wake up at 40 and still be waiting tables. I still very much need to be on my own and not living at my parents house with my son at 27 years old. I still need to do a lot of work on myself. But if I look at where I was last year on this day, I see a big improvement, and I dont even need to bring up where I was 2 or 3 years ago at this time....so although I'm not where I want to be yet, I sure aren't where I was and there is something to be said for that also. This was my first Christmas without being a family in a long time - no Jim - no Brian on Christmas Eve - this time last year was when we were officially splitting up once and for all...and the months that followed were rough and I was a pretty big mess. The point is that I'm just happy to not be there anymore, and where I am isn't so horrible. So just starting a new year realizing that and not wishing for crazy unrealistic things sounds good to me.

For now I'm gonna go drink as much coffee as my stomach can hold, hang out with Bri a little, and get ready for work tonight. This wasn't the most insightful or entertaining blog I've ever had, but I thought I should at least check in quick because I haven't written since November. I hope everyone had a great holiday season, and I'm sure everyone is midly relieved at least that it's over :-) Happy 2011 everyone, lets make it a good year!

My 100th Post ...

2010-11-13T17:17:00.000-05:00

Although it's impressive that this is my 100th post here in my blog, I said in the beginning that I would write every single day so it's lacking quite a bit from where it should be...ah well it didn't turn into the daily writing I was initially meaning for it to be but it's still my blog just the same and just so happens to be getting up there in post numbers.

It's Saturday night and Brian is watching cartoons in the room with me while I'm writing, just getting settled back in from being at his Dad's since Wednesday. I'm purely exhausted from staying up all but for an hour or two last night while spending time with a friend...I had also stayed with him on Wednesday and didn't sleep much then either so in the last three nights I'm running on very little sleep. So needless to say I'm counting the minutes until bedtime, it'll be an early one tonight for both the 5 year old and the 27 year old :-)

I had a really great couple nights away from home this week, much needed. Spending this time with my friend out of town on a regular basis has proven to re-instate some of my sanity that gets lost during the rest of the week while I'm here. Although I miss Brian soooo much while he's gone, it does give me the opportunity to have the time away and nights elsewhere so of course with as many con's and there are; there are also pro's.

It doesn't take me long to get stressed out and overwhelmed sitting here at home, so having a night set aside almost each week to go elsewhere and relax is truly a life saver...not to mention the fact that the friend I'm spending this time with is probably one of the only people in the world right now I can sit and be 100% comfortable being around, 100% comfortable being me, in all my 'broken', 'messed up', 'dysfunctional' glory. I actually think if we're being honest here, he's the ONLY person that's the case with at this point in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a few really close friends that know pretty much all there is to know about me...but the difference here is that this particular friend doesn't just know but can relate in so many more ways then anyone else. That's rare and I'm definitely not taking it for granted because I can't imagine not having him in my life right now.

So even though I have a headache from hell, feel like I'm going to fall asleep as I sit here and type, have zero patience and can't wait to go to bed - I have a little extra contentment that wasn't so much there before this week. I'm so relieved that I didn't waste any time, $, and effort in going to see Justin or as much as writing him a letter since our last little chat. I wish I had been a little more cruel during that last phone conversation, and really told him where to shove it - but it doesn't really matter one way or another, because I'm just happy that his little section of my life that's been open since we met is now officially and forever closed. I'm just so the kind of person that needs things to be spelled out right in front of their face to get it through my thick skull, and I'm glad that it was so I can rest assured that there wasn't some 'unopened door' that I'll wonder and regret not looking into. I did look into it, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I tried to be a friend to him, I even left the possibility of more then friendship be in my head...I did my part to ensure that I wasn't missing an oportunity to gain happiness in my life, and that's all I can do - I'm glad I did...because again, if I hadn't I would have always wondered. I live off of 'what if's' and 'shoulda, woulda coulda's' and I hate regret so much that I do everything in my power to eliminate as many potential regrets as possible. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which leaves my heart capable of being bumped, banged and thrown around quite a bit - but it's who I am and I'd rather be like that then a bitter, untrusting person who never gives anything a shot.

I guess I just need to, in the present and future realize that things that are supposed to be really don't need as much effort as I tend to allow to be given. Things that are right, just are - people who are supposed to be in my life, just are - and the people with whom I find the most comfort being around are the people that I don't have to work at all to impress, change myself for, or force anything more then what is. I'm so exhausted I'm probably ranting much more in circles then normal and not making sense to anyone - so I'm going to cut this short. I'm just saying that in the last 72 hours I've been able to feel like me and haven't had any shame in feeling that way, it's a huge relief to have any hours like that, much less so many all in one period.

I run so many circles around people and things, put so much effort into making things more then they are, and can be so good at being what other's expect or want me to be - and it's so unnecessary. I have people in my life that i don't need to do those things with, I have people who don't want anything more from me then what I can easily offer, they just want me to be me...I waste so much time doing other wise and it's finally sinking in that it's really time that I should be elsewhere. A lot of people don't even have one person that they can show their true colors too, and I have a few...and even one of them who not only excepts my reality but can relate on an entirely different level then anyone else. That makes me lucky. Between those few amazing friends, that one even more amazing friend, my beautiful son, and family that loves me, I'm much better off then most and I don't need to keep searching for anything else at this point in time.

So tonight I'm going to sleep like a rock, a calm, comfortable, contented ROCK. I'm going to enjoy having my son home, happy, safe and secure with me. I'm going to look forward to getting away for a night again next week. And I'm going to do what I almost never find myself doing, and not project, not look for anything but what I have, and just be grateful. I have a big heart, which leads me to make stupid choices sometimes, and leads me to get hurt other times ---- but it's that same heart that some people genuinley love and appreciate and it's that same heart that leaves myself open to that...so I'm not complaining, tonight I'm ok taking the good with the bad. I'm content with who is in my life, and I'm ok with who is not. And I'm just getting off of a high that all stemmed from just laughing my ass off, being myself, being close with someone else, important conversations that needed to be had, relaxing and being ok in my own skin for a change. I can only hope that there is someone out there for everyone that they can feel such comfort with, whether it be a parent, sibling, friend, significant other, or whatever - because it really counts.

A Complete 180'

2010-11-12T12:37:00.000-05:00

Well I didn’t go back and look at the date on my last post but I know it was within this last week, and boy did things shift.

I had mentioned how I was feeling about a certain guy whom I had ‘seen’ for a little while last Spring, and who had re-entered my life just recently. Now that I know what I know, I’ll fill you all in on the FULL story and take it from there, I no longer care about hidden identities or worrying about the ‘other parties’ privacy…so it’ll make this much easier.

JUSTIN was the guy I met at outpatient last Spring and ended up dating for a little while, then after he dumped me ended up helping out when he got himself in trouble, and just recently allowed to twist me in knots just these last few weeks. Of course one of the first rules in the N/A or A/A program is not to get involved with anyone in the first year of sobriety, ESPECIALLY another addict….the rules at Conifer Park, which was our Outpatient were quite strict about dating within the client population…his Drug Court rules were against it… as was the ½ way house he was in when we first started hanging out. Right there, with all those reasons - I shouldn’t have spent any time with him out of the ‘rooms’ or outside the walls of OP, but of course I didn’t. Even more reason for me to have stayed away from him from the start was that I was in groups with him and did know certain things about his history with women and also knew that around this certain time he was also ‘leading on’ a fellow client within our little ‘incestuous drug addicted group of people.’ But as the story goes, I was lonely, he was there; showing me all this attention, saying all the perfect things, he’s very attractive, and I took the role of the pathetic, recently separated woman and proceeded. The first time we hung out we just went to Crandall Park, walked around, sat at the playground and talked - at the end of this night he kissed me ever so perfectly, and we said goodbye. The second time we hung out I was very open with him, very blunt, and told him that I was going through a significantly rough time and didn’t have room in my life for anything else that might hurt me…he of course assured me that he would never be ‘that guy’ and that he was oh so worried that I would be the one to end up hurting him. Skipping ahead, there were weekend visits at my house with my son and my mom (dad was in the hospital and then the nursing home this whole time) there were trips to his hometown to meet his mom and sister, plenty of meetings we rode and went together at, bowling dates, all that good stuff. I was 100% smitten for him, the butterflies that every girl cherishes were in my stomach big time whenever we saw each other or even spoke on the phone. He got me a dozen roses one weekend, a mother’s day card from him and another for Brian to give me, e-mails, phone calls, etc. It was going very much like any ‘normal’ relationship begins, perfect. Of course we had to be very discreet and not really speak to each other when at meetings or at outpatient, but that was very temporary because I was about to graduate Conifer Park, which took away any legal reasons we shouldn’t be together. Plus he was about to move out of the ½ way house and into ‘supportive’ living, which is like a shared apartment with very few rules that a few recovering addicts share and live in together. So during those first few weeks we were just counting down the days until we could really be open and not have to worry about getting caught together. The ONLY time I lied to my Counselor at Conifer was about Justin and I’s relationship - and after I graduated and after he was no longer a client, I went to visit Curtis and one of the first things I told him was about the relationship because I hated lying to him so much about anything. Ok I’m starting to get sidetracked here, back to the basics. A week after he moved into Supportive he dumped my ass, saying he just was so overwhelmed with the move, his new job, yadda yadda yadda. In reality I’ve since learned that his ex picked up the phone probably bored one night and called him, and pretty much that’s all it took. Plus I’m almost certain he was hooking up with another girl @ Conifer at the end also, but I’m not 100% so whatever. Since we had only been ‘seeing each other’ for a little over a month I wasn’t devastated, crushed, completely heart broken….but yeah I was sad and disappointed that we weren’t about to have the summer we had planned on, but I was ok. I gave myself 1 night to feel shitty about it, allowed myself to get a few tears out, whatever, but other then that I really didn’t dwell on it and allow myself to turn it into more then it was - which I do have a tendency of doing, again it was only a 6 week relationship, how crushed could I really allow myself to be?

On my 1 year anniversary of being clean, I was a mess. Instead of being excited, happy, proud, whatever I thought I would feel - I was guilt ridden, sad, hurt, disappointed, lonely, etc. Instead of looking at how far I had come I focused on how far I still had left to go, on my failed marriage, on every detail of exactly what happened on that day 1 year earlier. So I did what any recovering addict is supposed to do when they are feeling like that, and dragged my ass to a meeting, Brian was @ Jim’s for the night anyhow. I went to the MTG, received my 1 year N/A key tag from a friend, and then went to hang out with some of my friends in the program. Many of them live in an apartment complex so when you visit 1 you get to see many, which I liked. After having a great, home cooked meal by such friends, and after some great conversation I decided to call Justin - a phone call I really so wish I had never made. I mentioned that I was all melancholy and he casually invited me over after he got out of work to watch a movie and stay at his place, which again was against the rules of such place, but of course I did. I went to my Sponsors apartment (which was in the same complex,) and told her where I was going, her and my other friend were very much against it, but knew I was going to do what I was going to do and they were pretty much preaching to deaf ears. Of course I went, we watched a movie, cuddled, kissed, talked, hooked up, etc. He of course did what he does and said ALL the right things to make me feel like I was the only woman in the world at that moment who was cared about like he cared about me…he was just a tortured, misunderstood guy who couldn’t catch a break, and who had been hurt so many times that he learned to leave girls before they could leave him (his words) blah blah….like I said he really was good at knowing just what buttons to play off of and what things to say to hit straight home. I snuck out of his room at 6AM that next morning, knowing I was a fool, but hoping for the best and came home.

2 days afterwards I get a phone call from Justin telling me that he was gone. He told me that he had slipped up and had a few beers the night earlier and the next morning his Drug Court had called him in for a drug and alcohol test - the alcohol one could detect traces for up to 3 days. According to him he panicked and just packed up a friends truck and ran. He had screwed up before on Drug Court so either way he knew this time he wasn’t getting a warning, he was going to prison….so in his mind set he figured he mine as well run and try to enjoy as much time as he could before they caught up with him. After all running wouldn’t add time to his 1-3 sentence anyhow, so why not try and get some summer fun out before getting locked up? I was SOOOOOO upset when he called and told me this. More so then when he dumped me, more so then any other thing that had occurred with us, I was devastated that he had done that - that now he would be facing prison, and selfishly - now he’d be definitely out of my life. I was so worried about him, he sounded so scared on the phone, so disappointed in himself. He told me where he was and of course, me being me, I went. He was staying at a family members house in Johnstown, which is about 75 miles from here, I actually knew the trip pretty well because I had to go the same way I used to when I’d visit Matt out in Amsterdam all those years ago. *Matt was my first real boyfriend, my first real love, my first - for those who don’t know who he is*

I probably am explaining more then I need too, BUT I really feel like it all adds up to why recently I got all entangled again. So while he was out on ‘the lamb’ I went back and fourth to see him a few times, of course helping him out with cigarettes and a little cash here and there - all of a sudden I was one of the only people he had so I was a needed asset at the time. I had blogged about this whole situation, I’m not sure how much I said, because I was always vague about it. On 1 of these little trips I was planning on spending the night and going out to the bar with him. Yeah in all these blogs I haven’t mentioned that once in awhile I was having a drink or two - which in N/A’s mind meant that I was no longer clean. We’ll hit on that stuff at another time, but yes on occasion I have a few drinks, but in no way do I feel threatened by that, or like it will lead me to go find myself some heroin. So I drove all the way out there, he had made this nice little dinner for us, we ate, then we went out. He knew tons of people there, he had spent time growing up in Johnstown so for him it was like going home, for me I was in a complete foreign environment. VERY LONG story short, I spent my money on buying us drinks and since I don’t drink often it really didn’t take me much to get pretty buzzed….this night is a perfect example of why I always hated alcohol compared to any other drug, because it really takes control away when it comes to certain things, like driving. After I was to the point where there was no way I would have driven all the way back home to North Creek, he chose to go off with some friends. We got into a big argument, I begged him to at least walk me back to his dad’s because I barely knew how to get there, plus I didn’t want to walk alone anywhere, drunk at 2 AM. He pretty much said ‘fuck you’ I am leaving, you do what you want….so in between crying and freaking out, I calmed myself down enough to safely drive my way back to his father’s house where I slept it off long enough until I was safe to come home. I was so upset that he cared so little about my safety, couldn’t believe he put me in that kind of situation, couldn’t fathom after all I had done for him and after all the things he knew about me that he would ditch me like a piece of trash the second something more interesting came up. I swore I would never speak to him again.

Of course within a couple days of that night he called, sooo apologetic, sooo convincing. I accepted his apology and told him that we were ‘fine’ and that I still wanted him to check in with me from time to time so I knew he was ok. He called every now and then, I even went back out to Johnstown one last night and watched a couple movies with him…what’s that saying ‘fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? If I hadn’t been a complete idiot before, the fact that I even picked up the phone for him after that night at the bar made me a complete fool now. Eventually he ended up getting kicked out of his Dad’s home, had no place to go, so he moved himself in with an ex girlfriend…whom he had referred to before as his ‘fat girl with a credit card.’ Now I feel nothing but sympathy for this girl. While he was staying with her of course they got into a huge fight, and she called the cops and got him turned in. This was in early August.

Skip ahead until a few weeks ago when I decided to look Justin up in the NY state prison registry and see where he was and when he was getting out, curious I suppose. I ended up writing him a really short note just telling him that I hoped he was ok and that I was thinking about him and really praying that things for him turn out well. I said that I knew he wasn’t a monster, he was just a young guy who’s screwed up a few too many times and who I knew probably needed a FRIEND. A few nights later I got a phone call from Adirondack Correctional Facility, obviously it was him. We talked for about ½ hour where he told me how sorry he was, how wrong he was, how much he missed me, how many times he had written me but didn’t have the courage to send it, how he would never forgive himself for letting me get away, blah blah blah.

That apparently was all it took for me to turn from a reasonably stupid woman into a completely ridiculously idiotic little girl. The letters were pouring in and out of my mail box…I had arranged a trip out to Saranac Lake to go visit him, we had spoken on the phone twice more. His letters were really amazing, I’m not taking credit away from how stupid I was - I take full responsibility BUT at the same time he really truly is one of the best con artists I’ve ever encountered to be honest. He was talking about how much this whole situation had opened his eyes to the things he really wanted, like a family, stability. He told me that the ‘ex’ and him were still indeed writing and that she was taking care of him and sending him food, money, cig’s, but that he wasn’t at all in love with her, he admitted that he was using her because he couldn’t imagine having to do this time without anyone in his corner. He told me that he was in love with me. He then started wanting to make long term plans for the two of us. He spoke about how much he liked and cared about Brian. Again I admit stupidity here but again he just really knew what to say to get to me. I sent him a care package of course, with all those things that he needed - and I was writing him a letter a day, just so he’d get all that mail. He was writing just as much. Tomorrow, this coming Saturday I had a whole trip arranged with friends and everything to go out and visit him, my friend was going to do some hiking while I was visiting.

I didn’t mention that last Monday he had a Parole hearing to determine whether or not he’d be there until December 15th of this year, or of next year. The chances of him making Parole and getting out so soon were VERY SLIM, I was 99% sure he wouldn’t be released, as was he, which now makes all the sense in the world. So last night after I had the final touches finished up for the trip tomorrow I got another call from him. Before I gave him a chance to speak I told him that I’d be coming Sat, that it was definite, how excited I was, etc. Then he told me he had made Parole! Of course my first reaction was shock, but then I was so excited - he was actually going to be home in about a month, compared to a year! We could really give this a shot, not from writing letters while he sat in prison, but we could really see if us could work. By the way - he was in Prison for taking his dad’s motorcycle one night without permission and getting into an accident, his dad pressed charges, this occurred when he was 20 years old, and he was in Drug Court for years trying to avoid this prison time…so it’s not like he was in for any horrific crime.

After I went on and on about how excited I was, his voice got all low and serious. He then told me that he needed a place to parole to or else he wouldn’t be allowed to leave…and of course he put down his ex’s address when he went in front of the parole board, which I didn’t know - which of course he hadn’t told me. So now, he’s moving in with her and ENGAGED! I now can see it all for what it was. I opened the door by writing him that first letter - allowed him to do this. He thought for sure that he was going to be there for an entire year, he never thought he’d make Parole this time around. So why not find himself a ‘fake girlfriend’ who will send him $ or care packages, who will write him lots of letters, who will even drive to visit him once or twice a month? Of course all those things would have made that year go by a little easier for him, right? So he said all those things and wrote all those perfect letters just to ensure that he’d have not 1 but 2 people taking care of him and helping him through such a difficult experience. It’s actually pretty smart thinking on his part.

I’m not heartbroken this time around either, not devastated, not unreasonably hurt…I am so sincerely disjointed in myself and so disgusted with how stupid I was more so then any thing else. I just can’t believe I allowed myself to buy such obvious bull shit, just because that’s what I wanted to hear.

I’m running late now because I rambled so much for a Dr’s appointment - but to sum it up…now the whole story it out there, no more being vague about it. I’m relieved that he is getting out so soon because I didn’t spend a year having someone screw with my head for cig’s and visits, this way it was only a couple lousy weeks. So fool me once shame on you, fool me twice - I’m a little thick, fool me three times then I’m a huge idiot and I vow never again. Have a great weekend all!

Mike

2010-11-10T10:27:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I left out a pretty big thing that happened last week. While Jim was at Brian’s I got a phone call from Jim at 7AM, right away I knew something much be wrong which is exactly what I asked as soon as I answered the phone. Backtrack here - Jim moved to Brant Lake when he was 16, I think. Right away he made friends with a guy named Mike. Their friendship grew and grew, until Mike became like family - even lived with Jim and his dad for a little while. When Jim's Dad passed away, it was Mike and his family who helped figure out arrangements and gave Jim a home if he needed it. Later Mike dated a girl who's best friend was the girl Jim dated in HS. Mike and I met when Jim and I first moved into LG...Mike and I would spend hours on the couch plotting and planning trying to figure out how to get Jim and I officially together,lol. He ended up even living with us for a few months in that house, and was very consistently involved in our lives throughout our time together. I saw Mike the very first day I was back from rehab, he knew what had happened, still he gave me a big hug and told me it was great to see me. Unfortunately that was the last time Mike and I hugged and the last time he was truly happy to see me....when Jim and I split he was a good friend to Jim and cut ties with me for the most part, other then quick hello's in passing. I don't think Mike liked me very much in this last year or so, which I can understand, my best friend isn't Jim's biggest fan that is for sure. Well back to the phone call I was talking about - Jim very calmly told me he had some bad news and that Mike had killed himself. Mike had 5 children - 2 with his high school sweetheart who at a time was 1 of my closest friends - and 3 with his ex wife who he recently divorced. Out of everyone in Jim's life, other then his family and possibly now Becky, this is probably the worst person he could have lost. Jim was very respectful to me and to the fact that Mike and I at one time were close, told me all the details about the wake and funeral, called a few times to check in....I don't think any of it had hit him yet and he was just running on physical motions. I didn't go to the funeral or wake for a few reasons, 1 to give Jim respect and allow him to grieve his brother-like friend without having to deal with his ex who he can't stand, 2 I hadn't always gotten along with Mikes mom and with the hell she was experiencing I didn't want to add any extra anything on her, and 3 I was a little chicken and couldn't force myself to go. I used numbers 1 and 2 and my reasons but it boiled down to the fact that I am sick of funerals and I don't want to have to go to anymore then I already have had to go to. I just feel so awful about what happened, that he felt so hopeless that he ended his own life, which by the way is how he passed away. I feel so sad that his youngest children won't remember him and that his 2 oldest have to go through missing and grieving him and live a life without their dad. I really cared about Mike and it's just a very sad situation. And all the bull shit aside I really feel for Jim - like I said they were like brothers, Jim was family to Mike, his brother, their mother, etc. It was hard knowing that it wasn't my place anymore to be there for him, that he didn't want me by his side...but I left him alone and stayed away which I know is what he wanted. But I was just thinking about Mike after posting my last post and realized I never once mentioned it, not sure why. So I also am enclosing 2 pic's of Jim's best friend, a very good friend of mine, a son, father, brother, friend, a 29 yr old man who ended his life before it had the chance to improve, I PRAY THAT HE IS NOW AT LEAST IN PEACE.

For some reason it won't allow me to add pictures right now, but I will try again later - I wanted to post some other's anyhow.

Another day, another post

2010-11-10T10:04:00.000-05:00

Well it’s, as ‘they’ call it, Hump Day. I personally used to love Wednesday’s, because it of course always meant that weekends were right around the corner, now not so much. I bitch and whine constantly about how much I miss Brian while he’s at Jim’s, and today will be no exception I assure you. I walked Bri to school about an hour ago and after school he get’s on the bug and heads to his Dad’s. I know it’s good for him, to spend as much time as possible with his father. He’s grown extremely close to his 10 year old, kinda of sort of step brother. And he’s adjusting well, for the most part…of course it has proven to take me much longer then him to make such an adjustment, I can’t seem to get used to him being gone so much. Yet, before I know it, he will be back home and the cycle continues.

Anyhow what else to write about??? Ugh I hate the part of this blog where I said I’d always be 100% honest, I should have kept my stupid mouth shut, lol. I will be as vague as possible just to keep the other parties information confidential, not everyone is as hunky dory with all their shit being spread over the internet as I seem to be. But the guy I dated last spring and I have been communicating a lot lately. I haven’t set eyes on him yet, but lots of letters and a few phone calls. Out of anyone I’ve met or ‘seen’ in this last year he truly is the only one that sincerely gave me those ‘butterflies’ ya know Ladies, the ones we are eternally seeking? I care so much for him yet don’t trust him, which is such a hard thing to say out loud because it’s hard to feel the way I do knowing that such a key ingredient, such as trust isn’t there. He say’s all the perfect things, writes me all the sweetest letters, but I can’t help but ask myself if he’s just really that good of a con artist, I really want to believe he isn’t. It’s just been a long time that someone has spoken to me like they could envision spending their lives with me, or that they have strong feelings for me. I just sooooo want him to really mean what he’s been telling me, and I would love for us to really give it a shot, but of course there are complications, because it wouldn’t be me obviously if there weren’t. I’m willing to work with such complications though because although I’m scared of being hurt, I’m more scared of wondering if I missed out on something that could have been really amazing. I want a real relationship, I’m over the being single thing.

In this last year I’ve had a couple ’Friends with benefits’ we shall call it. Not many, but enough to know that I am not comfortable with and quite dislike that kind of relationship a lot. I’m incapable of keeping feelings at bay if they exist, and if they don’t then I shut down and I’m not interested anyhow. It’s pretty rare to find myself caught somewhere in between, but that too has also happened fairly recently. I’m not desperate to find someone right this second, not at all. I’m actually very proud of myself for being as OK with being single as I am. I just know what I prefer and what I don’t, and my preference is most definitely not that of a single life-style. I want all those night’s snuggled on the couch watching TV, I want dinners together, I want a home with someone I love who loves me just as much, I want someone who I can trust enough to know that he won’t hurt Brian in any way (even if we don’t work out.) I don’t want one night stands or seeing someone once or twice a month, watch a movie and …you know. So at this point I’m cautiously, ok very CAUTIOUSLY optimistic about this situation and hopeful, all while trying to keep a sound mind and realistic attitude.

On a different note.
It’s so funny how things can change so dramatically in such short periods of time. For instance, when Jim and Becky first got together I would have done any and everything short of flying to the moon to break them up. I wanted him as lonely as I was, and I didn’t want her to have someone that for so long belonged to me. Now I worry about their relationship at times and pray that they do stay together. Brian has grown so attached to her son, and he does genuinely like her from what I’ve seen and heard. He has finally become completely comfortable spending 3 nights at a time away from me and home. Now if they do break up, which I mean chances are they will….(it’s hard to imagine the first person you take on a date after a substantionally long history with your wife will be the person you are with until you die.) Of course there is always a chance that once we are officially divorced that they will get married, possibly have children, all that crap…which I can’t believe I’ve gotten to a point where that is what I hope for. I very much wish things between Jim and I were different, very very different, but they are what they are. I’d change a dozen or so things about how we interact with one another, the current custody agreement, how he treats me, etc…but as far as my son is concerned I just want stability for him. It’s right up there on the top of the list of things any mom wants for their child, happiness, health, love, intelligence, stability, security, confidence, I could go on forever, but I won’t. It’s just that in the 5 years Brian’s been alive he’s lived in 6, yes 6!!! Places! That’s ridiculous, it’s disgusting, it’s horrible. I never moved when I was a kid, one home, one school, one set of parents, and look how screwed up I turned out regardless of that stability. Of course my life was lacking that ingredient in other area’s, but in many my life was indeed stable. Brian’s has not been. Speaking of this….Jim and I got into a little conversation the other day that lasted almost an hour over the phone. It seems like most of his issues with me and what I do with Brian boils down to the fact that he hates where we live. He hates that I have Brian here where my dad and mom are both sick. Some part of me completely understands that. I need to learn where to draw the line though on how much impact his words have on me…because after that conversation I got right online and messaged my friend Steve (lol your in my blog Steve-O) Ok I met Steve before I met Jim, he dated my best friend years and YEARS ago…but come to find out Steve was one of Jim’s best friends and when Jim and I got together Steve was in our lives quite a bit. He’s been in the military for 8 years I think it will be soon, so he comes and goes all the time but he’s been consistently in my life for a long while. He comes home from Iraq, thank God, next month. Well I messaged him almost frantically and by the end of our conversation he was considering and really thinking about getting a big apartment with me and Brian, splitting the rent, blah blah blah. I was so excited that he would even agree to think about it, which he actually did more so and told me to start looking for places, I was psyched. So I started looking in the paper, and asking around and all of a sudden the other night it dawned on me to ask myself ‘why are you really moving out??” (side note : this is after I told Jim I was planning on moving in with one of his closest friends just to throw it in his face, he was furious, I loved it obviously.) When I asked myself why, it occurred to me that the main reason I was doing it was to prove something to Jim, to show him that I am capable, to look better if we went back to court. Not because I am miserable here, which of course sometimes I am, not because I know I’m ready financially, not because it would be the BEST thing possible for Brian, not because it’s what I truly want, but mainly because of Jim. Why in the world would I do something as drastic as moving out of my home with my son based on anything that has to do with my Ex?????? When I finally move out of here I want it to be after I have my own vehicle, after I have a second job so I will always know that I can make rent(or a different job of course), if either of my parents get ill to the point that it would be horribly hard and scary for Brian to live here. Steve is a real friend to me, he always has been…I mean the kind of friend that people hope to get, someone I know I can always trust and who will always try to lend a helping hand if he’s capable. How unfair would it be of me to even have asked him in the first place? Yes he would have less bills then if he lived alone, but other then that the rest of it would all be to benefit me. He doesn’t want to live in the JCS school district, but he would have, he doesn’t want to really live with a single mom and her 5 year old(although he really does love Brian), but he would have, he doesn’t want to have to drive 45 miles every day to school, but he would have. The job I have is awesome, the people I work for are amazing employers and such good people, I make decent money…BUT it’s a waitressing job with no chance of moving up any ladder, it’s very seasonal and it’s not 40 hours/week. Some months I might bring home $1500 some months I might bring home $200 - does that sound like an income steady enough to where I could promise with no doubts that Steve wouldn’t end up having to cover my ass month after month? Although my living situation isn’t the ‘norm’ and isn’t ideal most of the time, it has it’s perks….Brian has 3 adults here that love him to death, he has his own bedroom, a dog, he has the only place in his life that has been there from the beginning, and he has security, stability as well as happiness here. I don’t sit alone on my couch 3 nights a week when he’s not here, I pay some bills here but definitely not as many as if I lived anywhere else, and I also get to help my parents out being here. It really isn’t all bad. After realizing this I slept on it, thought some more, then ended up telling Steve yesterday that it just wasn’t a good idea just yet, that I wasn’t ready to move next month, and that I also thought it was unfair of me to ask him in the first place. With friends like that you have to be careful what you ask of them because they will always try and help you. Phew I’m rambling, sorry. Point is that I no longer should allow my actions, my life to be directed by Jim. I know that I’m working, that I’m a good mother, I know that I offer so much to my son and for my son. I know I’m doing a hell of a lot better now then at other periods of time, and I know that I’m close to being out of here, but just not close enough to push it. And NO judge would take my child and/or any of my time with him away from me because I live here. Just because Brian has been and is exposed to sickness doesn’t make it an unacceptable living environment. If anything he will grow up appreciating things more, he will be a more compassionate person in the long run, and he will have plenty of great memory’s of my parents when they eventually do pass away….I’m the grown up, and I exclude him from 99% of hospital visits, Dr appointments, etc - I know what’s appropriate for him to be exposed to and what is not. Jim makes it sound like Brian is living in a home where there is nothing but sickness and fear and misery - not the case. My parents both still are more then capable of playing with, watching, spending time with, LOVING and caring for Brian. If you put them both together it makes one completely healthy grandparent, and they are always together so it works out ok. Of course I want to have my own place, but like I said, I don’t want Brian to have to move around 10 more times before he is 18 - the next time I move I want to believe it’s for good…whether it’s by myself or with someone else.

One last quick thing to hit on and then I’ll sign off before this becomes any more ridiculously long then it already is,lol. Brian got a gift certificate on Halloween for a free game for 4 people bowling. He also got a gift certificate for being such a good little reader for a free pizza @ Pizza Hut…so Sunday we planned on going and having a nice little day together. As much as I enjoy spending time with Brian, whenever it’s an activity like that, and includes the drive to GF, I would rather include a friend to have another grown up to chat with and such. So after a little badgering I got a really old friend of mine, whom I hadn’t spent real time with in years to come along and bring her 2 year old son. She and I used to be very close when we were younger, and like most friendships we ended up growing apart little by little in the long run. Well since this was the first time we had really hung out in so long there was quite a bit to catch up with in each other’s lives. Of course my “situation” came up like it always does and of course she also had heard the worst of the worst of the stories that flew around town after everything happened. She, along with most other people, had heard that Westie and I were found with needles hanging out of our arms, passed out for hours and hours with Brian screaming in the back seat. As I’ve said in previous posts, the reality of what happened is horrific enough, it’s so hard to understand why people made it even worse when telling the story to other’s. I don’t know where it came from, who told the original first version of that story, or whatever, and I really don’t care. I just have to keep it in my mind, and remember that so when I do see people I haven’t since that awful day I remember to at some point tell them what really happened from start to end. I don’t need to spend hours talking about everything involved, just the basics to at least let the true story be heard since the gossip one definitely has been. Small town shit ;-) But we had a really nice time, I did anyhow, and I’d love to start spending more time with her every now and then, not allow another 5 years to pass by. Since I’m not sweating out handfuls of friends, it’s important for me to reach out to the people I do have and try to keep those friendships running strong.

OK I’m DONE RANTING, lol. In all reality and kidding aside, I can’t believe that this blog became this long, I really was just planning on doing a quick catch up. But since we’re talking about reality I should admit that most of the time when that’s what I plan on it does become a short novel in the end. You all should see the size of the letters I used to write Westie, or the ones I’m currently writing to ‘the secret boy’ lol. I hope this finds all of you very well and enjoying the week, on this, the ‘hump day.’ Please again as I’ve said before, if you actually read these posts of mine, become a follower, I like knowing who out there actually takes the time to read any of my purging. Just recently someone whom I had no idea read this contacted me…he is also someone I never really knew in high school, older then me, etc…but just knew him from ‘around’ he just wrote a quick message to me and told me a little about some issue’s he’s had in the past with drugs and alcohol, something he said he hasn’t told many people about. I felt so honored and humbled that he took the time to read what I have had to say, and felt comfortable enough because of that to talk to me a little. When I first started this whole thing almost a year ago, that was the main reason why, and the thing I wanted most to come out of it - so I was pretty (again because it’s the only word I can think of that fits) humbled by the whole thing. This blog has gotten me to 2 different schools to speak, one school I’ve been at twice. It’s been read by people who not know more about my story then what they had always assumed or heard. It’s initiated relationships with people I had lost contact with, or whom I barely even knew. All and all I have to say it’s been a pretty successful experiment to say the least, one that I’m very grateful for.

Bye for now. Take care of yourself. And to be cheesy, which I really sooooo am most of the time - try hard to really like yourself. I always say to Brian that I love him and I like him, because I truly do. There are people in my life that I really do love but don’t really like much, if that makes and sense and if anyone can relate I don’t know. So I find it important to let Brian know that not only do I love him because he is my son, my life, that I really like the person he is and I really like to spend time with him. And that’s where I’m at with myself - I feel like I’m starting to like myself, not sure if I’m at love yet, but liking is working pretty good for me at the time being. So just try to like yourself, even if it starts at just a little but for only a few reasons. With that I say so long - mine as well stay cheesy.

*Krista*

It's been awhile

2010-10-27T11:53:00.001-04:00

Well I haven't logged into or posted on here in what seems like forever, so here we go with a massive catch up, luckily my life isn't too exciting so it won't take too long.

I just got back from having lunch with and reading to Brian's class. Every week one of the kids is the "VSP", Very Special Person, and this is Brian's week. So he get's little priveledges, including a visit from someone to have lunch with him and read a favorite book after lunch, which obviously was me. It's so bizarre going up to my old school, seeing old friends who are now teachers, seeing old teachers who are still teachers, and just being in a building that I once spent so much time in and that is now so foreign. It was nice though, especially because he goes to Jim's after school today. So as far as Brian goes he's doing great. He's adapted so well to school, and being around kids. He's also adjusted well to the time he spends at his dad's...I unfortuently have not. It seems like every day is Wednesday (the day he leaves) and it seems to take forever for it to be Saturday (the day he comes back.) Of course there are perks, like time to do stuff without a 5 year old, time for him to be with his father, etc. I just feel like a part time mom now and that part is hard to get used to...but that's part of having a kid and not being with their dad I suppose and I better get used to it because it'll be like this until Brian's an adult. I just wish Jim were more open to co-parenting with me, but that's hard to do when he can barely stand having a conversation with me.

I'm still working at Andies. Business is super slow this time of year, which means I'm broke...but it'll pick up soon. The restaurant is closing for two weeks in the beginning of Novemember so I better get used to being without money at least until that's over.

Westie got home in the beginning of September. I've seen him a few times, for movie's and stuff like that, which has been really nice. Brian hasn't and won't (anytime that I can forsee) see him...it would just bring up too much stuff, cause too much trouble with Jim, and all around be a bad idea. I know Westie wishes he could see him, as I'm sure Brian would love to see him, but out of respect to Jim, respect for the hell that happened in the past and out of doing all I can do to protect Brian it just isn't a possibilty. But it's nice to know that he's home, safe and sound...not sitting in prison. He's starting out patient and will be on parole for awhile - both of which are good and ensure that he's going the right things. I don't and haven't felt like seeing him or spending any time with him jeopardises me or my recovery in the least so there are no concerns there.

I went to a wedding with Joe last week which was fun...considering the only person there I knew was him. We're probably going to hang out tomorrow night too, which gives me something to do at least one of the night's Brian's gone. We've been hanging out on and off now since last March.

That guy I dated for a short time last spring and I have corresponded a few times recently. He was the guy I dated for about a month last spring...who I met @ Conifer. It's hard because I really cared about him, still do, but he got himself in a little bit of trouble and violated Drug Court (he drank) and is now sitting in Prison. I wish that was the only reason that our relationship was hard and confusing, but of course it's not. He's only 25, and I hate to see someone so young, with so much potential, doing such a great job at screwing up his life. Before he drank he was doing so well, ready to move into his own apartment, almost done with Drug Court, doing lots of meetings, he spoke at the school in Bolton with me, he was working...I really don't think he even drank because he had some overwhelming desire to do so, I think he just got scared getting so close to being on his own for the first time that he subconciously did something to ruin it all. But we'll see what happens...he's not sure when he gets out, and as of now he wants to join the military when he does, just to have the structure and try to correct the behaviours that have gotten him in trouble in the past. I think it would be really go for him. As for now I'll keep my pen to the paper, keep in touch, and hope for the best when he goes get out. I've dated quite a bit in the last year, and hung out with a few different guys during that time, and of course out of them Justin is the one who left the most impression on my heart (sounds so cheesy) and of course he is the most screwed up. I don't know if it's just me, or woman as a whole that end up falling for the ones who are most likely to hurt them in the long run?????? Enough about that.

My parents are doing ok, same ole same ole. No recent trips to the hospital at least so that's a bonus. Mom's getting around better and able to use her arm more since her shoulder surgery a little over a month ago. She'll be rescheduling her trip to Westchester soon I'm assuming, but her Dr's have indicated that there is no huge urgency or rush. I think they just want to get her tested and on the list so when and if she goes into complete liver failure she'll be ready and will have built up time on the list. It's not something you can put off until the last minute for sure.

I'm gonna get going. I have a shit ton of laundry to do! I'm not sure what I'm going to do tonight, I think I'm working tomorrow at 10:30, so I'll probably stay home and in town tonight. Like I said, I'm probably going to hang out with Joe tomorrow...Friday night I usually go to Laura's for Karaoke night with some friends, and Saturday Brian will be home!!! Then Sunday is Halloween, so it'll be fun. Have a great rest of the week everyone, I'll try and write more often!

In and out of Glens Falls hospital .... the ambulance is here almost every other day....

2010-09-12T11:29:00.000-04:00

First mom went, which I had told you about...stayed two days, came home.

Then Dad was having chest pains and had been really confused for a week or so, so I called 911 yet again. Right before I called although I asked my mom to take Brian and Rex up to the school so Bri didn't have to sit around and watch my Dad get loaded into the ambulance yet again. While they were up there at the playground, mom fell - it took her a long time to just get herself up, Brian was a tough dude and acted like it didn't bother him at all - I'm sure it scared him though. The next two days Dad was in the hospital, Mom was here in agony - could barely get up off the couch, fell off at one point, she was a MESS - Brian was kept out of the house as much as possible and then it was Dad's days anyhow.

Dad came home. Mom saw her primary over here at the health center and he told her to go to the ER the next morning, he'd be on rounds and would admit her and figure out what was going on with the shoulder - which is what she landed on.

Dad was home - I gave Dad his night time meds, and suggested he tried doing something a little differently because he was in a lot of pain and was having a bad day - his pain was stemming from just being in bed for 4 days so his back, which is broken, was killing him. About an hour later her asked me to go to the store for him and get pepsi. I came home - mom was on her couch sleeping, dad was on his bed sleeping - or so I thought. I told him I was back, no answer...I was louder, no answer. He was 100% unresponsive and barely breathing. THANK GOD BRIAN WAS AT JIM'S. So 911 I call again, this time much more scared then I've ever been in the past, saying unresponsive has never been something I've had to say. The EMTS got there a hell of a lot quicker then normal also hearing that word. His Pulse was ok, his oxygen level was 70% - at his worst I've never seen it below 85%, and he was breathing probably 5 times per minute. They got him on the ambulance and gave him a shot, antidote actually because at that point we were guessing at what could be wrong - but since he's on so many different meds they thought an accidental overdose could have been it, and the antidote wouldn't have hurt him if they had been wrong. As soon as it was pushed into his veins his eyes opened, he gasped and was compeltely alert.

So I almost killed my father. For years I've been in charge of reminding them both about meds, putting their pills in little pill boxes, talking to Dr.s, taking care of oxygen stuff, whatever - pretending I was a little nurse...doing the best I could.

Well this time the 1 little thing I suggested he do differently, mixed with his other meds caused him to go into Respitory Failure. If I had taken 5 more minutes at the store, he probably would have died....talk about guilt. But he was well enough that a few hours later they sent him home from the hospital.

The next morning mom went to the hospital as was planned. An X-Ray showed that her shoulder was fractured in 4 places, and she will be having surgery either today or tomorrow. Plus she's had to have 4 bags of blood in the 2 days she's been there because her blood levels once again keep going down.

Dad's doing well - no long term affect from what happened - just a huge scare for us both - mom wasn't lucid enough to really have been scared or at least really realized how close we were to really loosing him after so many years of him fighting to live, my mistake almost was what took him out.

On a different note, Brian has started school and he likes it a lot so far, his teacher wrote me a glowing e-mail saying that he's doing so very well, in the top of his class already :-) So I'm very proud, and think school will be just what he needs to keep things on a schedule, keep him occupied, give him as much normalcy as possible. Jim's been really good about keeping him the same nights every week so that's good too and Brian is getting really comfortable with that situation. Jim's out of town for the next two weeks though, training for a new posistion at Gore, so the schedule will be switched up a little, but for the most part things have been consistant as far as that stuff is concerned...and luckily for 90% of the scary stuff that has happened these last few weeks he's been at Dad's for, so that's great.

We don't know if mom will even come home after all is said and done - she needs more care right now then Dad - and I proved very well that I am no nurse, and that I'm just incapable of taking care of too terminally ill parents anymore....plus Brian can't be around it - so things will be changing 1 way or another, just not sure how yet. We're trying to get the trailor paid off, we already own the land, so when both of them finally do end up in the Nursing home I'll have a place to live with Brian, a nice place, that will be in my name and all paid off - so all I'd have to worry about would be utilities and taxes...so at least that's an option down the road. But for now i'm gonna go - i just felt like I had a lot to fill everyone in on. So no this wasn't at all an eloquent post - just very matter of fact, which is exactly what I wanted - just the facts to be known.

A Higher Power, God, Ellis, a Guardian Angel or my Grandfather were looking out for me today....

2010-09-03T21:23:00.000-04:00

For anyone who's really read through my blog you have seen me write time and time again about my doubts concerning God or a Higher Power. I've mentioned also time and time again that I should not be nearly as skeptical as I am considering how many times I feel I have been looked down on from someone or something. Today I again I have more reason to believe that there is something looking out for me.

I've never been in a car accident...I mean I've had little fender benders, backed into a mail box when I first got my license, stuff like that - but never anything scary. I've never been in a car that was in an accident either, whether I was driving or not. Well not until today. I had just gone up to Nice N Easy's to get gas and was headed back down into town. Apparently within the last day or two there was some road work done near the Summit on 28 and the road was covered in gravel. I didn't know until I was driving on the gravel that it was even there (and I was only going about 50 miles per hour when I realized that I should slow down.) For anyone who doesn't know where I'm talking about there is a decent size hill right there as well. I knew enough to not slam on the breaks because that would have caused me to spin out instantly...but I did slightly put my foot on the break to try and slow down just a little. As soon as I hit that break I lost complete control of my car and for about 1/4 mile was back and fourth between the left lane, right lane, even did a 360 in the middle of the road. I somehow held it together enough to know not to slam on the breaks because then any control I still had would have been out the window and I ended up pulling up the E break when I knew if I didn't do something I was headed straight into a ditch or into a tree, or pole. I ended up stopping sideways on the left side of the road with my two right tires in the ditch...yes I was stuck, but other then that there was zero damage. Thankfully there was no one else on the road during those few seconds either, because without a doubt I would have hit them and things would have gotten a lot scarier and a lot worse real quickly.

By the time I stepped out of the car 3 people had already stopped to make sure I was ok, 2 of which I knew and 1 whom I had never met before...shows the goodness of people.

Thankfully Brian was with his father, because if he had been in the car not only would he have been scared to death - I wouldn't have been able to compose myself nearly as well as I did after the fact. I ended up getting a ride to a phone where I called the first person that came to mind (well not the first person, Jim was actually the first person I wanted to call, again whenever I'm scared or something is wrong I still just want him) but I called my boss Bill, who has a truck...and he was at my car with his truck and a chain within 10 minutes and pulled me right out.

I just have so much to be grateful for. So many different factors could have made things turn out so much worse, 1 little thing could have happened differently that could have ended up with me either dead or seriously hurt, another car could have been involved and they could have been seriously injured or worse, so many things....reminds me of the butterfly effect theory.

So I'm not sure if it was God, a general Higher Power, My Papa or Ellis who was looking down on me at that given moment and kept me safe - but I'm not chopping this up to luck, luck didn't have anything to do with the events of today.

Other then being completely shaken up and terrified I walked away without a scratch on me - a real miracle.

After all the things that have happened in my life I don't understand why I am so thick headed and can't accept the fact that there really is someone out there watching over me. I guess I just focus on the bad stuff more then the good - like the fact my parents are sick, or all the other problems I've had in my life - then I blame God at times (so I must believe if I can blame him, right?) But from now on I really want to pay more attention to the things that happen that keep me safe, keep the ones I love safe, the good things that occur in my life.

So this has been yet another blog about 'to believe or not to believe' I'm constantly going back and fourth. But today, for right now, whether I'm sure or not of the big picture, I am sure that someone kept me safe today...and even if a lot of it was because I might just be a better driver then I had thought of myself as being in the past - but my driving skills didn't keep another car from coming down that road at that moment...so there is just a lot that I'm thinking about right now.

I'm pretty tired, it's been a pretty emotional day - not only because of the accident, some other things happened that got me all weepy and upset as well - so I'm just going to sign off and try to get some sleep. My boy will be home early in the morning also so I'm excited about that.

By the way - I'm not sure if I've blogged since last week, and I'm not going to go and look through it to see if I have or not so real quick I'm going to tell you a story....last Saturday Jim's girlfriend Becky was here to drop Brian off - she was about to take her son and his other friend on a tour at Bartons Mines...she invited Brian AND I to come along with them. I was shocked, but very impressed with the fact that she was so open and invited me, and I of course took it as an opportunity to get to know her a little, meet Brian's best friend and allow both Brian and her son to see that we can get along (that the adults can act like adults.) We ended up having a nice time, Becky and I got along very well and it was all and all a nice afternoon trip. I hadn't been up to the mines since I was a kid either so it was pretty cool to go up and check it out again after so many years. Brian was thrilled that I got to meet James and I could tell the whole time that he was just happy that we were doing something together ... which is all that's important, so I'm so happy that we did it!

Ok now I'm off to bed, just wanted to fill ya in on that just incase I hadn't already, because I know the whole situation shocked me so I'm sure not many people would have expected my husbands girlfriend, our kids and I to hang out - so it's taken some time but I think we're all coming around and starting to act a lot less selfish and a lot more focused on the kids.

School starts WEDNESDAY, CAN"T BELIEVE IT!!!! I have Bri that morning, so I get to bring him his first day, and he comes home here until Jim get out of work around 4 - so that's great too that it happens to fall on my day so I don't have to miss out on such a huge event. Jim's going to be gone for 2 weeks in September also for school/training for a new position up at Gore, so I'm excited that I'll get two whole weeks with Brian soon after school starts also - so that'll be really nice. Ok I'm really going now. Lots of love.

My 90th post...

2010-08-25T17:50:00.000-04:00

Wow 90 posts, much less then I should have if I had followed my original daily writing plan, but still a decent amount of posts from yours truly through-out these past months.

Let's see, I doubt this will be much more then a catch ya up blog, but hey once i get writing ya never know how in depth I’ll get :-)

MOM MOM - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH phew ok feel better after all that yelling. Deal is that she's back in the hospital. We were supposed to go to Westchester with Brian on Monday morning, train tix bought, hotel reservation secured, bags packed....then 3 hours before we were supposed to leave she experienced some excruciating pain which turned into a panic attack which turned into another 911 call. 2 1/2 days later she's still in the hospital. My poor mom had to undergo yet ANOTHER blood transfusion this afternoon, which was supposed to be followed by yet ANOTHER colonoscopy - which ended up getting called off 5 minutes after they began because she was in so much pain the doctor couldn't put her through it. So now what? Good question. She MIGHT get transferred directly from Glens Falls Hospital to Westchester, which I'm keeping my fingers crossed for. Deal is that although we have the Cirrhosis diagnosis the Dr's here still can't figure out what is causing her bleeding and loss of blood counts to the point of needing transfusion after transfusion. Hopefully if she went to Westchester they could figure that out, along with follow through with the appointment she was supposed to have there yesterday. I don't think she wants the transplant, I think if she had it solely up to her she would just come home, take her meds as prescribed and wait it out - I think she's too scared to imagine another alternative, unfortunately I think the painful, slow deteriation that would happen her way would be much scarier. Ultimately it's up to her though, so I just have to kind of follow her lead. Point is though that I'm not ready for my mom to die - I'm 27, my father has been tip toeing around his own grave for decades and now my mom looks like she's more ill then him at this point. I get that I’m an 'adult' that I have my own son, but I just still can't picture my life without a mom or dad - it's too much to even think about most of the time, but the reality of it all hits hard when it hits. So enough about that, it really is what it is, and I just have to really pray and hope that she finds the strength to fight and that the doctors have the capability to help her in that fight.

Brian’s doing well. I’m trying to keep him as far removed as possible from all the sickness and concern that swallows up our home. He’s a tough lil man but come on, how much can any kid really go through? He’s at his fathers right now, which sucks - as usual I just miss him like crazy while he’s gone and can’t wait till Saturday morning when he comes home. He starts school soooooooooo soon I can’t believe it! I think it’ll be really good for him to get into a schedule like that, make friends, have time away from everything - all and all I think it’ll help with his becoming more independent and it’ll just be all around a great thing for him. It’ll take me a little getting used to, but I’ll survive! I’m just happy that I have him on weekends, so at least I can count on those days (other then when I’m working of course.) And I get to send him off to school Monday, Tue and Wednesday also so in all reality I do get him the majority of the time, it just doesn’t feel like it lately - but again it’s good for him to be away from me and with his dad, he’s so close to the girlfriends son, and I know he has a blast over there…I’m sure he gets a little homesick at night but other then that he’s adapting really well in that department.

Works going well. It’s just frustrating - all year when I was unemployed it was a huge priority to get a job. During that time between mom and dad’s hospital stays, nursing home stays, etc we all said countless times how fortunate I was that I hadn’t yet found a job….because of all the other stuff that was going on. Then things would calm down, and right back to needing to find a job. Well now I have a job - and I have for about 6 weeks…well I made it 6 weeks before something happened, but now that it has I hate the idea of having to be at work and not on automatic standby incase something happens and I need to go to the hospital. I cant loose this job, god knows how long it might be before I could find another….. But I can’t expect any employer to be ok with the chaos that is my life and how it might interfere with work - again it hasn’t yet, but it seems like it’s only a matter of time, THEN WHAT?
Westie gets out on September 3rd, I can’t believe it! We’ve been in touch since day 1 of our arrest, even received a letter from him from Sch. Cnty jail the day I was getting ready to head off to rehab - we wrote while I was in rehab, we wrote while I was at the half way house, and we’ve written since….our letters have been one of the only constants I’ve had this whole year. I let him know that I can’t allow him to see Brian when he does get out (he’s not coming home here, but to Saratoga) there are a million and 1 reasons, but I have to respect Jim as Brian’s father, his wishes, I can’t take any chances with Brian’s heart, ever again, etc etc etc. Westie understands completely but I know he wishes it were different, again him and Brian were so close for a long time, they always had a very special bond…but that doesn’t take away from how things went down and all that happened, so I just can’t take any chances. I’m just happy that he’s getting out of the hell hole/prison he’s been in for over a year…that he’ll be going right into another drug treatment program, that he’ll be on parole for 1 ½ years (meaning lots of drug tests.) I just really pray that he does alright for himself. He’s a good person - he just has made a lot of mistakes, but as have I and I was given another shot, as a mom, daughter, employee, granddaughter, citizen, etc - so I just hope he gets the same kind of chance.

I could write more, but I won’t. I’m just going to lie down and watch something mindless on TV. I work tomorrow @ noon, and until then I have zilch going on so a forced relaxation period it is. Take care everyone….and I’m here and will be writing soon.

catch up

2010-08-09T11:58:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here with Rex (the new puppy) under my feet, Brian on the bed behind me playing Mario, a Red Bull to my left and my keyboard front n center...I want to spend some time and really write a blog, something I feel like I haven't done in FOREVER .........but I know that won't be possible - Rex will need to go out, Brian will get bored with Mario, and I'll be snatching the Bull and running around instead within minutes I'm sure. So here is just another quick check in from yours truly, but believe me when I say that I wish I could really "blog."

I'm taking mom to Westchester on the 23rd to the hospital where she could potentially end up having the transplant. This will be the first of many differrent appointments, I'm sure - but it's the first step to getting her on the list officially. So I'll let you all know how that goes. I'd love too bring Brian with us, if Jim allows it ( arg ) I just think he'd get a kick out of the train ride, hotel stay, even the hospital will be big and huge and interesting for a 5 yr old I'm sure. I was pretty in awe when I went through all this with dad at 12 - as history repeats itself we'll see how it plays out this time around.

Works going well. Of course someone already went to my boss, the owner of the restaurant and told them that I'm a junkie, who by the way is still using. She didn't believe the rumor, but it just sucks that I have to deal with it after 15 months .... but it's the price I will pay I suppose. I just wish people would talk about the good things I'm doing instead of assuming once a junkie always a junkie. But it's all good at work, so I'm trying to pretend that didn't even happen because other then that it's been a really good experience thus far. The people I work for are amazing individuals, just a great, hardworking family who I really respect. Hours are great, money is pretty good, so I'm happy.

Brian's all ready for school, I guess as ready as him or I will ever be, lol. At least he has all the school supplies, book bag, clothes, etc - so we're ready in regards to that stuff. I just can't believe he's really starting school! He's still staying with Jim usually 3 nights a week, which I'm still not getting used to. I'd love 2, but for some reason that 3rd night just makes it feel like he's never here, it's hard to explain...but I just hate that I have to share so much of his life. Obviously I'm sharing it with his father who deserves to experience it all as much as I do, it still just is hard. I hate that he has two homes, and I just hate the whole situation...I wish Jim and I had still been madly in love, in a happy relationship, a healthy one - and that we were all together as a family. I 100% know that's not how it was though, I just wish it had been, ya know?

So I am trying Match.Com for ONE month. 1 out of every 5 marriages now stems from an online dating site, crazy huh? Even my Aunt met her husband that way - so I figured I would try it, for one month and see what happens. If at the end of that month I don't even get 1 semi-normal, interesting date out of it then I'll unsubscribe and go back to trying to meet people the old fashioned way, which I don't even know how that is. I don't want to meet a dude at a bar, it's not like dude pick me up while I'm taking their orders at work, and I don't go anywhere else really, so options are limited.......again we'll see. I'm really getting used to the single thing and I'm in no way feeling like I NEED to be with someone at this time, so it's ok I can wait.

Ok it's that time - Brian just turned off the game and said those famous words "MOOOOOOOOOOM come on, lets do something." Can't blame the dude, so I'm off going to try and find something fun to do. That's one positive thing though, since I don't see him 24/7 anymore I don't feel burned out at all in the mom area of my life, so I have more patience, and energy and interest in everything Brian while he's here, so it makes the time he is home with me much more fun and enjoyable - so there's looking at it as the glass is half full ... I can be optimistic at times, lol.

Random thoughts.

2010-07-25T10:13:00.000-04:00

Now that I'm working I do feel so much better about myself ... I'm contributing, I'm not just sitting around with tons of idle time anymore ... I have money ... contributing to society, etc. On the flip side though I'm really missing Brian. He's spending 2 days, 3 nights with his father weekly on top of the time I'm missing with him while I'm at work. I don't know how single mom's do it! Once he starts school, which is only moments away I will see him even less, it's just hard I suppose, and I really took for granted the time I was with him 24/7. Which is easy to do I guess, kids can get frustrating, pulling your hair out frustrating - but now that I'm with him less all I can think of is that I wish I was once again pulling my hair out becuse I was with him too much ; if that makes sense.

On the flip side, I've been thinking about my friend Wanda a lot lately, and her novel. I'd love to be able to control and sort my thoughts enough to write an entire book. I have a hard time being disciplined enough to log into my blog daily, much less write a book. I'm not saying I all of a sudden want to be a proffessional writer, one that makes money doing it - God know's that's as rare as unicorns sometimes, but just to say that I, Krista Foos wrote an entire novel, published it, accomplished it - is something I'd love to be able to say.

Which brings me to my next topic - a bucket list. I feel like I really need to create one. I'm closer to 30 then any other age, and of course that doesn't mean my life is over and I'm knocking on heavens door...but it does mean that I'm getting older and I want to make sure that I have done things, been places, seen things, experienced life - before I do get to the end stages of life. Thank God I have a child and have been able too and will continue to experience the joys of that...if I woke up 60 with no child I really would be heartbroken and feel like I had missed so much...some people don't have the desire to be a parent, but I always had, so I truly am grateful that even if Brian is my only one, that I was able to experience motherhood. So I think I'm going to start thinking about that bucket list, and I'll even post it on here once I get my thoughts together.

I've been single now for 8 months...and guess what - I'M OKAY, SURVIVING IT JUST FINE. Yes, at time I am lonely, and wish that I had an S.O - someone to snuggle with, kill time with, share things with on that level ... but I never thought I'd be able to function as a single mom, and look i'm doing it, and not even hating it as much as I ever would have expected.

I'd love to keep writing on the single topic, but my son - whom I was just complaining about not seeing - is demanding, yes demanding - goldfish ... I gotta work on this attitude of his, it is totally under control at Dad's, but here with me is another story. So I gotta run. Check in soon!

PS

2010-07-23T17:56:00.002-04:00

Quick update ... I noticed 2 posts ago I mentioned my friend, whom I had dated, who I had broken up with, then who had ran and was out with a warrant. 3 days ago he was indeed picked up on that warrant and I don't really know any other information then that. Part of me is relieved though because I truly believe he is safer there then out running around scared. So try to send some prayers and good thoughts out for him - I know from first hand experience how scary it is to be in a position like that and I really hope that this time for him something sticks and this is the last time he has to feel that kind of fear and shame.

Very Long Time - No Blog

2010-07-23T17:51:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone, man it's been awhile since I've logged on to my blog.

First things first, I finally started working!! Andie's, which is the former Smith's, restaurant right in town. I'm waitressing about 4 or 5 shifts a week, which is great...it's with in walking distance, great people to work for, and perfect hours so I can't complain about any aspect of the new job. I'm just so grateful to be working period I don't think anything could make me complain, ok ok it's me I'm sure I could find something to bitch about :-)

Brian's been going to Jim's consistently for 3 nights a week, it's so hard. I feel like I'm always saying goodbye to him. I still have him more then Jim does but it just sucks having to share a child like that...I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. Don't get me wrong there are perks - It's nice usually the first night he's gone to be child-less and be able to just go and do whatever I want; but by nights 2 and 3 I get pretty homesick for him. Jim and I have been steadily improving, for the time being at least, as far as our relationship goes. It is what it is, and acceptance is definently the key term here.

We have a new member of our family. His name is REX (100% chosen by Brian.) I picked Rex up at the Adirondack Save A Stray in Corinth last week...he is a 9 week old mutt, cute as can be, but of course a pain in the ass ;-) He's a Feist/Lab mix. I surprised Brian last week when Becky dropped him off after being gone for two nights...the look on his face was priceless and worth every pile of crap I've had to pick up since. He'll end up a medium sized dog, nothing too big...and it's nice to have a pet in the house again. I just think every little kid should have a dog - especially at Brian's age, so it'll be nice for him. What's crazy to think is that this dog could still be around when Brian is learning how to drive!

I met up for lunch with Wanda Shapiro last week. Wanda is my friend Steve's sister (I've mentioned Steve, he was killed in a car accident back in 2002.) She was home promoting her newly published novel "Sometimes That Happens With Chicken." It's not like millions of people read this blog, so it's not great advertisement ... but I've started the novel and it's beautifully written and I'm blown away by it thus far so I highly reccommend going to Amazon and purchasing a copy...She's a Indie Author and published this all herself, so anyone who likes to read good works of literature go ahead and help support this friend of mine!! I'm not the only one raving about this book...she's even been compared to Hemmingway - yeah pretty impressive! The reviews that are coming in are all wonderful as well and she's done book signing's and reading's in NYC, North Creek this week, the Woodstock next week - she's in the early stages of trying to promote but I have high hopes for this novel really catching on worldwide and Wanda becoming a very successful writer. So much love to you Wanda! Thank you so much for my signed copy, and I'll let you know when I finish it - but so far I love it!!!

I better get going for now. I know considering it's been so long since I've written this is a pretty lame excuse for a post, but I have to take Rex out and I hate tying up the damn phone line - I hate dial up!! There's a lot more to write about though so I'll try to check in again very soon. Live, Love, have faith and hope - then it'll work!

Random

2010-06-21T23:46:00.000-04:00

I again am ignoring my little blog here and writing very infrequently...which makes it hard when I do want to write, overwhelming even; because since I don't check in much there always seems like so much crap to catch everyone up to speed with that it's almost not worth trying - where as if I was writing daily like I committed to I would be able to just fill you guys in on a short period of time, not weeks. It's funny because that is a big suggestion in N/A or A/A - to call someone every single night whether there is something to say or not, just to check in...because if you get in the habit of doing that you are more likely to pick up the phone if something is wrong, which obviously makes sense, again because it's just easier to tell someone where your at emotionally if they know where you've recently been. Ah well, either way here I am to check in :-)

Brian is doing great. His birthday is on the 2nd, and we are getting really excited about that and the big party he's having, so that's something fun that we're looking forward to. I missed last years birthday while I was in rehab...it was such an extra tough day too because of it, I was wrapped in such a thick blanket of guilt that all I could do was cry all that day - so I feel good about the situation this year and that we can make a big deal out of it and give him a great memory for when he's older...I have tons of birthday memories, always of big parties with all my family and my friends, usually over at the Ski Bowl where we are having Brian, a whole new generation of "Little Gore partiers, lol" Bri is also doing really well adjusting to our new schedule. Jim has moved into his new house with the girlfriend and her son and has been taking Brian a lot more lately, and for overnights none the less. So yeah it was a rough few weeks in the beginning, and Brian still gets a little homesick but he's getting much more comfortable over there and adjusting really well as it seems. I was super hard on me those first few nights too, especially two weeks or so ago when Jim took him for two nights in a row, that was rough...which yeah I know makes me pathetic, but what can I say, we've just been used to it just being us every night for quite a lot of months now and it's hard getting used to going to bed while he's in another house. But like I said it's falling into the "norm" and knowing Brian is getting more comfortable with it makes it a lot easier obviously. I will admit though, there have been some nights where it's been really cool having Brian over at his Dad's, I've been able to have a couple sleep overs, or just descide at 9 or 10 that I'm going to stop by a friends house to watch a movie or something is nice...I like having the option of a little spontinaity, that's something I have truly missed since becoming a mom...the non-planned plans, ya know? But it's great that Brian has been able to spend so much more time with his father, I've always wanted that...so thus far it looks like Jim and I are going to be able to handle having joint custody with the schedules being up to us and not court mandated....like real mature adults, who would have thought? Ok I won't get too ahead of myself, it's only been a month or so and I'm not counting out us ending up having to sit in court with a calander and make a schedule, but like I said so far so good. Our relationship has improved a tiny bit also, Jim and I. He's been a lot more civil lately, and we've even had a few casual chats on the phone where we even could pass as friends if someone was listening...but of course we haven't made huge strides, just small ones, but I'll take it...again that's something that would just be so much better for Brian, for his parents to big grown ups and be capable of co-parenting and getting along - such a novel idea :-)

What else has been going on? Quick update on the parents I suppose. Dad's actually again doing a little better, has even gained a significant amount of weight back, which was a huge issue - he was down to 110, and he's a tall man...so the few pounds he's put back on are important. I swear my father is like the energizer bunny, just keeps going and going. I even said that to him a few nights ago, he laughed and we were joking like "won't you just hurry up and die" kind of thing, which of course sounds terrible but if your reading this and know my dad, and the humor he has and that we have together you know that it's just how we are and it was actually a funny and innocent conversation. He really is astonishing though, Doctors have counted him out of the game so many times...as have I - always thinking that "it's really happening this time, he's really dying" and he always bounces back. He really is like the energizer bunny and I am damn thankful for it and hope that it continues for quite some time to come. Mom is doing alright, stable I guess is a good way to describe it. Her blood counts have been stable, liver enzymes, clotting levels, she hasn't been retaining fluid or needing to have her stomach drained...so yeah she's stable. But she is really uncomfortable and in a lot of pain, also never has much energy - so she's not loving life right now and is just feeling pretty crappy. She had her liver biopsy last week, we should know the results tomorrow. Although her doctor has diagnozed her with the Chirossis, the only definite way to do that is with a biopsy, plus it also is able to tell us what stage she is in...plus if she is to contemplate putting herself on the transplant list she would need that kind of information just to get in to see the doctors at a Transplant Hospital...so I'll be sure to let everyone what we find out as far as that goes. Of course we're all hoping that we learn it's in the early stages and that a transplant wouldn't even be needed, chirrosis really is a slow moving disease, so she could get lucky and still live a long life if it is in early stages - so we'll see.

That guy I was dating and then got dumped by ending up running from drug court and is "out on the lame" as we speak. It's actually really sad and I feel bad that this is happening. He has been on Drug Court for 3 years, it's only technically supposed to be a one year thing, if you do everything right - be he obviously hadn't. He was in his final stage and would have graduated once and for all this September, he was SOOO close. But real life just got to be too much for him - just the simple living aspects of normal day to day stuff...he had been institutionalized for years and I think he just couldn't deal with not being told what to do, where to go, lots of simple rules, and all while being totally taken care of, not needing to work or live on your own at all. And before he ever got into legal trouble and into drugs he was a young guy living with his mom, so this really was his first time getting so far out on his own, with so much freedom and responsibilities...and he was just really stressed and acting depressed for a few weeks before this all happened. Then one night he went out and drank at a bar...and the next morning drug court called for a random alcohol urine test - it can detect alcohol for 3 days after you drank. So instead of even going in and taking the test, knowing he'd fail, he just ran. If he had pissed dirty he would have had to take the felony, would have done a month or so in County, then transfered to Prison for a month or so, then shipped off to Shock, the bootcamp thing for 6 months. Even though he ran his charge can't change, and he still is a first time/non-violent felon, so they can't make him do more time for taking off then if he had turned himself right in...so he has the attitude that he mine as well enjoy some free time before he goes, and then he plans on hopefully being able to turn himself in when he's ready, "on his terms".... but that's obviously if he doesn't get picked up before that happens on his Warrent. So who know's. But I'm worried about him, and I hate the situation, it's just really sad. He's really young, obviously scared, guilty that he fucked up after getting so far, and he's just really in a crappy situation and I wish there was something I could do to help, obviously there isn't, and at least I now know that - of course because I'm me, I convinced myself the first few days after he took off that I could fix it all and everything would work out; I learned quick that it doesn't work that way and all I can really do is be here if he wants and needs my help, and pray that it all works out in the best possible way/safest for him and that he gets through it and comes back when it's all said and done and starts over. He just really isn't a bad guy, and I know him well enough to know that he hates that he does things like this, self sabbotages, he just isn't getting it at this point and there is nothing I can do to change that....which sucks but it is what it is. But that's what has been going on as far as that goes...we had been "broken up" for a little over a month before this happened, but we had just a few days earlier randomly ended up hanging out and I stayed at his place...and we have been friends for quite a long time, so it's just hard to see someone you care about go through hard shit like this...I'm just filled with a lot of gratitude that I'm not in a place like that right now. I'll never forget that fear of getting caught of being found out, the guilt, unmanagability, feeling so hopeless and helpless - so even though it's been over a year now for me it's still really fresh normally, and when you see if happen to other people it makes it even more up front in your head - which is good, things like that are huge reasons people stay clean. Anyways though I put myself right in the "thick of it" the first week or so after he took off, and learned that I need not to be involved at all and that it is much safer for me to keep a distance from him right now, so that's what I'm doing. Right now he is so consumed with what is going on with him that he is incapable of being a friend to anyone else, caring about anyone else - and I don't need to be around anyone who can't care for me even on the most basic of levels....like as in my safety, and he could never tell me truthfully that he wouldn't put me or my recovery in jeopardy, so it's my job to take care of myself and make sure I don't stack those statistics of relapse any higher against me then they already are.

I still am not working. I'm going crazy. I'm so stagnant, and I need to get up and start really moving forward and not just treading water, but I'm not and I don't understand why that is. I've looked for jobs, even gotten a few (or so I was told and planned on) but I haven't really hit the pavement and applied at any and everywhere possible. I need to be working but I'm acting like I don't - I don't understand it but whatever the reason for my complacency and being so stagnant I need to get on that and start really learning how to take care of myself and be independant, live on my own. I mention my friend and how overwhelmed he got with real life...at least he was trying. The only difference between me now and me over a year ago is that I'm not using, that I'm clean - I still suck a living though, I still am baffled by situations that are easily understood by grown ups...I guess what I'm saying boils down to the fact that I still have a lot of work to do, a lot to improve upon, a lot to learn...but I will get there, I hope. I've just never stood on my own two feet before, I always lived with my parents or a boyfriend, always had the safety net of my parents house - knowing that living there has always been available. I've never paid my own bills on a regular basis, held a job for years even if I hated it just because I had too - I've always lived with dead end jobs, hopping from apartment to apartment, job to job, always moving with the wind and changing my goals and aspirations monthly. So I need to really get myself a job, regardless of what it is - ANYTHING...I need to learn how to be good with money, to save - then I need to keep the job, eventually get an apartment for just me and Brian, take care of us on my own...that's all the ultimate goal, just to be able to support and care for myself and my son without the help of anyone, to know that no matter what I can take care of us both...

It's getting late and I feel like I'm just hopping all over the place, rambling and ranting from one topic to another not making any real sense anywhere...so I'm going to sign off now before I just make this an even more tedious blog for anyone to read. I'm going to try and pick up on my blogging skills and then hopefully I'll fall back into a pattern where I am capable of writing something worth reading ... but who know's :-) Much love to everyone - if your local to where I am in upstate NY then I hope your all enjoying this beautiful weather and taking advantage of it while it lasts... last summer we barely had an extended Spring so I'm loving these sunny, hot days - I've been trying to teach Bri how to swim...planting flowers and veggies, moving my lawn, getting a tan, playing with Brian in the sprinkler, and going for lots of walks; it's just been nice and this really is my favorite time of year!!! So get out there and enjoy these awesome days...

"Powerlessness?"

2010-05-31T22:49:00.000-04:00

First off Happy Memorial Day, I hope everyone enjoyed themselves and had a good long weekend! Friday and Saturday started off kind of slow and boring for me but Sunday was a great day followed by a really fun and nice night with friends, so all and all it was a good weekend on my end.

So I’m still trying to work on my Step 1. If I can tackle one or two questions in full a day then I figure I’m doing well…because sometimes it takes pages upon pages to answer what might seem like a simple question. Today’s was as follows…”In what area’s of my life am I powerless?” At first I thought this was going to be an easy one for a change, quick answer - in every aspect of my life I am powerless…if I am to believe I n a higher power then he has all the power, right? My life is already mapped out, and whatever will happen is meant to, therefore I am powerless…or am I? This question began to haunt me and really become much more philosophical then I think was intended. Because I do believe in a High Power, I’m just not quite sure on all the details yet, which is ok, really it will come in time. So I decided to break this question down and look at it from the perspective that I believe it was written for, my addiction. That’s a good place to start, at least I thought so.

Yeah I’m powerless over my addiction. But I’m not powerless over my recovery. N/A doesn’t make many promises, but they promise that if you do what they tell you, if you read the literature, take suggestions, get a sponsor, do service, work the steps, etc that you can learn to live a life free from active addiction. So I’m not powerless, I can chose to work at becoming better and doing what will lead me to recovery instead of back down the road of active addiction. So already I proved myself wrong with my initial thought that I was powerless over it all.

Then I went on to people. I am powerless over other’s 100%. I cannot control how people feel, how other people live their lives, how others treat me, etc. But I can control who I allow into my life, who I trust, who I build relationships with….how I react to other’s, etc. Again so there I have more power. It’s not about how others treat you that is important, it’s how you react to it, and If you learn from it and grow in the process - at least that’s how I take it.

Faith can almost lead you into a trap….I mean for me I could see how it could, let me explain. If I have faith that everything that is supposed to happen to or for me will in God’s time, the way he wants it to occur then I could just sit back and wait, right? Why try and change your life, better or worse if it’s just going to end the same? If God already has it mapped out for me, God or a Higher Power, whichever - then where do I come into play here, as far as choices and decisions? I could easily fall into that trap, I know me…an excuse to be stagnant. But that’s not the way it works. I believe that our Higher Power very well may know what they want for us, and how our lives are supposed to turn out….that God has his own will for us. The problem is when we act on our own will and not trust that something greater then ourselves knows better….following me here? So I believe that we are all powerful and powerless at the same time. If we follow our Higher Powers WILL for us we can never go wrong…it was MY WILL that got me to this point - and of course a series of events and my past, etc. I believe in genetics playing a part, I believe in Causes and Conditions playing even a larger role, but I also believe that my best thinking, my own will ultimately led me here, the good and bad.

So no, I don’t just sit back and wait for my Higher Power to make my life something better. I have the power to make choices, I have the power to react to situations that occur. I do not always have control or power over the things that happen to me, but I do have the power over how I react, if I learn from them, if I fall back into victim mode, etc. I guess it’s something called, free-will, lol…. But again I hope to get to the point where I make the choice to turn my life and my will over to the care of Higher Power, I’m not there yet, but I hope to be at some point. To turn things over that I have no control of, like death, illness, how others live, etc…it goes back to the Serenity Prayer I suppose “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” That’s the piece, knowing the difference…letting go when it’s out of your hands, and stepping up when it’s in your hands.

I don’t know if that made any sense - but I just spent a lot of time thinking about this powerlessness thing. Again I was so quick so assume that I have no power over anything or any aspect of my life…the easy way out, a cop out. I do have the power to make my life what I want it to be - correction what a loving and caring Higher Power would want my life to be. If I believe in a Higher Power that only wants me to be happy, to live a good life, to succeed then I would never be steered wrong. The Higher Power of my understanding is loving, forgiving, compassionate, etc…and he would never want anything bad for me….his will would always lead me to happiness and success. My will is what get’s me all fucked up and twisted….me thinking that I know what’s best for me, what I need and when I need it. Like I said - it was my best thinking that got me in a jail cell, half naked, detoxing on a cement floor, sobbing because I didn’t know if my son was safe or not in a foster home for 2 days….that’s where my will and my thinking got me. So what would I have to lose to try it the other way, to turn it over? Nothing!
I suppose that’s just where I’m at today. There was no big enlightened moment where it all became clear. It’s amazing how the questions in these steps are formulated in such a manner and in such an order that by the time you get done with one your in the perfect mind set for the next. Things fall into place, you remember things you haven’t thought about in years, you open your mind to idea’s you hadn’t imagined since being a child - like I said….the Step Work is truly “where it’s at.” I think that the best chance I have of changing as a person, lies in those 12 steps….in learning how to make myself happy, and not need someone or something else to do it for me, in learning how to live without needing a crutch, something to numb myself, in learning how to have faith, empathy, love that I thought I had but am incapable of having until I truly love myself. This might all sound so cheesy, and some of it is - but this is my blog and from the beginning I knew there would be post’s like this, post’s where it was just ranting and anger, posts of self pity, posts of just keeping you updated in my life, etc…. I think that’s the point of a blog. Well at least that is the point of mine, to be honest and to write about whatever it is that is on my messed up little mind at the time I sit down at this computer. I hope somewhere in there I made a little sense and you were able to decipher a little what I was trying to say. We all have power over our lives, our destiny - but if we trust in something greater then ourselves then we can let go of the things we have no control over - I know my life would become so much better, more serene if I was able to do just that - LET GO.

I’m sure my next post will be much less “deep” and back to the daily grind type stuff…but every once in awhile I feel all philosophical I suppose, lol. Ya know, when I’m done with all these questions, in all these steps - that get into every aspect of my life, my being, my past, my everything - I should take every word, every piece of paper, then print out every post I’ve ever written on here and send it to a really good editor and see if someone could make sense of it all and turn it into a book, that doesn’t rant and ramble, but flows by sequence and life experiences….I know I write enough to fill an autobiography twice over, and with all this extra writing that I’m doing with this step work, answering all these questions I would never have thought to write about without it, I’m curious to see how and if it could all be put together. Like I said, I would need a really good and patient editor for sure J Something to keep in mind I guess. Love to you all, and I’ll be writing soon I’m sure.

To clarify…and not because I feel like I need to explain myself to anyone - I just want everyone to be clear at where I am in all this, in my process. I haven’t found a good relationship with a God of my understanding YET. That is a piece I’m really trying to work on, because I feel as if so much else would fall into place if I could grasp that. I’m trying, just not there completely, or even half way. I’m not sure what that Higher Power is, or if I will chose to call him God, or how it will all work out. But for now those are the words I use, and I just want to clarify where I’m at with that piece because it is such an important part of it all. I don’t want people thinking that I’m further along then I am, or that I woke up one morning and now think I’m a devoted Christian, or any other organized religious person. Right now I suppose I’m looking more for Spirituality, which is different from religion. We’ll see if they both come - I just know I desperately want serenity, faith, again to be able to trust in something better, smarter, greater then I (that part is easy.) But I just wanted to make all that a little more clear incase anyone was confused on exactly where I am when it comes to that. Ok that’s it, now it’s bed time. Like I said I had a really fun and nice night last night, but it didn’t consist of very much sleep - so I’m a tired gal right about now. G’night all.

Writing, writing and more writing

2010-05-29T16:58:00.000-04:00

So I have formally begun my Step 1 - again to remind all you non-addicts out there "I admitted I was powerless over drugs and alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable." I did a formal step 1 in rehab and another in outpatient, OR SO I THOUGHT. I'm now doing it out of the N/A stepworking guide and OMG, my hand is going to fall off. Step 1 alone has 63 questions....here are a few just to chew on....

9. have i given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? what have they been?
10. have i compulsively acted on an obsession and then acted as if i had actually planned to act that way? when were those times?
11. how have i blamed other people for my behavior?
12. how have i compared my addiction with others addiction? is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
13. Am i comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before i got clean? am i plagued by the idea that i should know better?
14. have i been thinking that i have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
15. am i avoiding action because I'm afraid i will be ashamed when i face the results of my addiction? am i avoiding action because im worried about what others will thing?

These questions are in depth, long answers, crazy questions. I have only done about 20 of them and must have about 60 pages hand written with their answers...it's nuts! I really think when I'm done, if I ever get done with all of these steps (which I will say some of the most dedicated members of AA and NA never do) I should just type it out and make a book. I know a woman who has been clean 9 years and just started her step 8, so I guess I have a long road ahead of me as far as just the step work alone goes. The Step Work is truly "where it's at" though. If I really, and completely do these steps, work them and live them then that's where the change will happen - where I will change in more ways then just being clean from drugs....so that's where I'm at when it comes to such things. I was super excited about having a sponsor but I don't know how things are working in that department. I am actually meeting a woman next week from AA who has been refered to me by a woman I really respect to see if she and I would be a good fit, and if she would be willing to work the steps with me and guide me through some of them. It's just hard because it's easy to get the line between friendship and sponsorship blurred, and people take things personally, and like everything else something things just don't work out - so we'll see how it goes when I meet this other woman, and who know's maybe I'll end up spending more time in AA then NA in the end also...like I mentioned in earlier blogs, I've had some issues lately in my fellowship so it's just about keeping my options open. But tonight I am going to a NA meeting, forcing myself because I'm tired and lazy, but I'm going.

Brian, mom and I went and saw Thomas the Train today. He got to run through a hay maze, jump in some bouncy houses, and take the train ride - he had a ball. In a little while we will be heading to Warrensburg, I'll be picking up my friend for the mtg, and dropping Brian off at her house - which I've done now 3 times. Between my friend and her fiancée they have 4 kids!!! The two boys are super close to Brian in age, and it's like his fantasy when he walks into their house, lol...so it works out well. Her boyfriend is awesome with all the kids, Brian feels really comfortable there, it's only for 2 hours, and it gets both the mom's to where we need to be while the kids have fun at home...that's what I call ladies and gentlemen a win win situation :-)

I'm tired, and like I said I've been writing like a mad person lately so I'm going to sign off. I don't know if I mentioned in my last post, but I went to JCS again and spoke to a really small group of girls this past Tuesday...that was my third time speaking at a school. I really had a nice time, and I guess the teacher was impressed and happy with how it went and she thought the girls really took it in. I wish I could make a career out of public speaking, god come on, I'd be a perfect candidate to get paid to speak, I'd be in heaven, lol. Money or no money though, believe me, I love to do it, and there is no other feeling in the world to think that I might actually say something to help someone later in their life, ya know? When we went to Bolton it was amazing to reach THAT many students at one time, but even in small classes, if I keep going, the numbers sure will add up. I'm sure by now you all realize that I don't mind too much putting my shit out there for all to read - some think I'm nuts for doing it, some respect it and consider me strong for it...like I've said over and over, I just do it to practice the honesty piece, and because I've found that what people assume is usually much worse then the reality anyhow.

I'm going to go and start getting ready. I'm not sure exactly what or when I wrote last - or if I touched base on our family court appearance or not. If I didn't - we got joint, no argument, totally civil (even if Jim was faking the whole time.) Just to let you know, if I didn't get into it previously I will in the next blog, because it isn't as cut and dry as I was hoping and now a whole new mound of issues is arising to cause concern, and I'm totally stressing over it. It's hard with this blog thing, I can't ever remember what I wrote last time, lol, maybe before I sit down to make a new post I should re-read my last one, so I don't repeat myself :-) I'll write soon though after finding out just where I did leave it last, and take it from there. Much love to you all! Happy summer!