Fixin2Rain

Getting to Know You

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 15:32:00 +0000

In the days that followed, six foot tall, Quila, became a frequent customer of the Hope Cafe. Her popularity grew also among her male admirers---Josh, Quirky Steve, and Hiram himself---though she remained tight-lipped concerning the Witherspoon property.

There is much more to it, than the sale of a small-town newspaper. Just yesterday, Quila dropped a couple of client names: a Mr. T Boone Pickens and a Mr. Warren Buffet, who were interested in investing.

Also, Witherspoon's land is much more spacious than previously reported. All in all, considering his wife's holdings, the land mass comes to forty square miles, including a couple of abandoned coal mines, suitable for conversion to natural gas.

Hold the Pickles

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 17:34:00 +0000

While her 'take out' hamburger was bought and brought to a sizzle, she inquired as to the Hope Cafe's policy on check cashing.

Faith, the waitress, responded with a polite but firm, "We leave that to the banks."

Just then, Hiram, somewhat winded, caught up to them. "Anything to accomodate the lady," and he reached for her pink check payable to CASH for $65.00. Her name, according to the instrument, was Tranquil Waters. She asked if she needed further ID.

"Not at all," said Hiram. "What do they call you?"

"I'm Quila, rhymes with Godzilla, but I'm not a complete monster, despite being with IRS for three years." She smiled easily.

Josh ran up. "Remember me?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she responded. "You are the crabby, cabby."

They all laughed.

_________________

Meanwhile, quirky Steve had slipped back into the kitchen, where he watched Wolf Blitzer read the news on TV. The NBC/WSJ poll found that among Republican voters, on March 1st, Mike Huckabee led with 25%; Mitt Romney followed with 21%; Newt got 13%and Ms. Palin garnered 12%. Ron Paul came in with 6%. Sadly, Hiram was not counted.

According to quirky Steve, there is a simple solution for Hiram. Like Huckabee, he should author a best-seller and host his own weekly variety show.

Hiram: I'm in charge, here

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 21:48:00 +0000

Hiram also summoned from the kitchen, his quirky brother, Steve.

"One of you guys need to take Ms. CPA out to dinner. Take her to the Snapsville Country Club. She will get to talking, like females do and eureka, the cat will be out of the bag. I'll loan either of you my credt card." He slid the Visa across the table.

Josh and quirky Steve were both single so, no rules were bent or broken. Unless, Ms. CPA turned out to be married, which was unlikely.

Steve pointed to Josh. "He knows her, he should be first to date her."

"Yes, but I'm in negative territory, both with old Witherspoon and Ms. CPA."

Just then, seemingly on cue, Josh turned and looked in the direction of the counter.
He caught a glimpse, yes, now, more than a glimpse. It was HER! Standing under the 'To Go' sign. "Hiram, there she is!"

"Eureka! Eureka! Step aside, Josh, I'll handle this. Give me back my Visa. I'm in charge, here."

______________________________

What's in a name?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 15:51:00 +0000

Hiram decided that his campaign name 'Hiram' was old fashioned. He needed a one syllable moniker that conjured up the image of power, potency and pizazz.

Names like Mitt, Newt, Mike, or Jeb, would not do, because they were taken.

He turned to football and thought of great coaches; Bear, Knute and Vince that were also taken, as-well-as stale dated.

He thought of his own given name, the last syllable being 'Ram'.

Presidential candidate, Ram Hope.

Somehow, it just didn't fit. He would stick it out as Hiram.
__________________________________________________

The gossip at the Diner concerned the mysterious female pilot who identifide herself as a CPA, and was retained by the NY Times. She was stayiing at the guest-house of the Witherspoon estate.

It was not out of character for the NYT to purchase smaller newspapers. The Spartanburg, South Carolina, and the Ocala, Florida, papers are part of their chain.

But a teeny, tiny operation such as the sale of the Postscipt can hardly be worth the time and the trouble, plus the expense of having 'Miss CPA' examining it.

"Send for Josh Rugby", Hiram barked out, "Faith, get Josh."

The cabby arrived within eight minutes.

"Listen up, Josh and pay attention." Hiram was not amused. "Something very strange is going on, and it concerns your former employer---The Postscript---old man Witherspoon, The Times and that flighty girl."

___________________________

A sick puppy

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 16:10:00 +0000

Meanwhile, back at the diner, Hiram had agreed, to give a class in political science to the interested parties. That would be Faith, Reverend Ross, Steve, the quirky brother, as well as Foster, the nephew. Just accidentally dropping by were Stormy, Clair Voyant, and Fern and Deana.

Hiram tapped a glass with a fork, cleared his throat and began:

"My friends, I've been asked numerous times about how serious I am in seeking the US Presidency.

"The answer is 'passionately' serious.

"Presidents are not elected according to the popular vote but by the terms and conditions of the Electoral College.

"And if, when the electoral votes are counted no candidate has a majority, the US House of Representatives chooses the President from the top three electoral vote-getters.

"So, the task before us is to hang on and in. To see that no candidate garners a majority of the electoral votes but that we are also in the top three."

___________________________________________

Back to Snapsville International:

She was about 35, and nicely dressed. Josh was unaware whether she was pretty. He was more inclined to be sick at his stomach.

He inquired, "Are you a relative of Mr Witherspoon?"

"Heavens, no. I'm just a little old CPA. My client is the Times, the New York Times.
Seeing that they get their money's worth."

"Ah-ha, now this is beginning to make sense."

She had a key to the guest-house, whereupon Josh unloaded the luggage, collected his fee and excused himself, without incident, while the old man napped.

_____________________________________

Snapsville International Airport

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 15:39:00 +0000

It may have been misnamed, but Snapsville does have an airport. And with a 6,000 foot runway. It is actually referred to as 'Snapsville International' and is left over from World War II, but there are no flights to or from foreign soil and never have been.

The last touch up with asphalt was 20 years ago and the runway potholes are worse than the roads in Pennsylvania. The airport is bleak. There is no hanger but only a 10' x 20' quonset hut that serves as an office and security.

Josh Rugby, former sports editor of the local paper, in his new position as a cab driver, periodically checks the airport for paying fares. On this day though he received a special request to meet a red and white Cessna at 2:00 PM, and to allow for considerable baggage. Although Josh was not late he found his customer cooling her heels at the plane.

Hi, I'm Josh. Let me help you with that luggage."

She smiled and nodded, "Witherspoon residence, please."

"Did you say um, Witherspoon? That is, Walter Witherspoon?"

How humiliating thought Josh. To be fired by Witherspoon and to be driving a cab to his home delivering luggage and the girl. Who is she, anyway---Amelia Earhart?

A chicken in your pot

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 19:43:00 +0000

At Tuesday's breakfast meeting, Josh Rugby, the formerly proud sports editor of the Snapsville Postscipt, was first to arrive, and with some significant news.

In a, so called, cost cutting move, Josh had been asked by the newspaper's management to clean out his desk, as well as two closets and three filing cabinets that he had inherited. A hold was also placed on his faithful Apple computer and his camera. Yes, in the words of the infamous 'Donald' he was indeed, fired.

The notification had occurred this past Friday after 4:30 PM. and was not entirely unexpected.

On Saturday, he hired Fern and Deana to organize and tidy his stuff and transport it to his small apartment.

Hiram was surprised at the news but not awed. He knew eccentric 'Ole Man Witherspoon' the 95-year old owner of the Postscript. In fact, the Hope Cafe was the venue for Mr. Walter Witherspoon's 88th birthday gala.

Back then, after a heaping bowl of Stormy's Rainy Days and Mondays banana pudding, it was nap time and Snapsville's most renowned journalist slept in a booth, on the premises for an hour.

As a young cub reporter, Witherspoon, had covered the Hoover inauguration, in January, 1929. Yes, that's Herbert Clark Hoover, the 31st President.

Widely attributed to Hoover was the slogan, "A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage." This was to show an image of prosperity. Unfortunately, the image was short-lived as the stock market crashed in October, 1929.

Yet, Hiram and Josh admired Hoover. Hoover attempted to refuse his Presidential salary and wound up donating it to charity. Also, the Inauguration was based on a Bible verse from Proverbs:

Where there is no vision, the people perish; but he that keepeth the law,
happy is he.

What about Josh? For now, he would drive a cab.

Tidying up the loose ends

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 22:54:00 +0000

"Transparent" is not a word that Hiram uses very much. Yet, the candidate is aware of the expanding definition---especially as it relates to political matters.

For instance, members of Congress are likely to keep their peers, the public, and the media, in the dark, when they introduce legislation. Likewise, a president seldom reveals the details of treaties that have to be ratified.

These are examples of the absence of 'transparency'. And what about this procedure called earmarks? A Dutch painter, Mr. Van Gogh, had a very realistic earmark.

Hiram is feeling a bit guilty for not being absolutely candid about this information.

"Back when we had the fire at the diner and Officer Jimmy Adair caught Leroy 'Arson' Carson, red handed, the question that remained was, who paid Carson?

"Now, we know. It was my quirky brother Steve's first wife. Lilly is her name and she is doing time."

Hiram was near tears.

"Also, the plan we had to buy the newspaper, the Snapsville Postscript, has fallen through. The new owner appears to be the New York Times.

"How's that for transparency?"
_________________________________

Welcome to Volume Two

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 18:36:00 +0000

Welcome to Volume Two in the saga of Hiram J Hope and his quest for the US presidency. I have become somewhat lackadaisical in reporting this matter, but will attempt to communicate on a weekly basis commencing Saturday, December 18th.

From all the gang: Hiram, Stormy, Herkimer, Steve, Faith, Foster, Josh, Reverend Ross, Bambi, Sinbad, John Shumaker, Fern and Deana, here's wishing you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Shopping at Victor's Secret

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 16:00:00 +0000

The topic of conversation at our 7:00 AM breakfast was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who I'll refer to as 'Umar', for obvious reasons. This was the guy, who planned destruction to Northwest Flight 253, headed for Detroit on last Christmas Day.

Attending at breakfast were Hiram and his quirky brother, Steve. Also Faith, Josh and me, and Steve's lady-friend, Clair Voyant, who fancied herself a sorceress (she drank her coffee from a sorcer).

We were short on details; however there was a consensus that Umar accidentally set himself on fire.

Then, Clair took over. "Umar was wearing an undergarment with sewed in pockets -- to hide the chemicals. You can get this underwear on special order at Victor's Secret. Umar was impatient attemting to ignite a fuse. Despite his dasterly deed, he'll probably recover."

Steve added, "I'm not so sure that all the terrorists want to be successful. They bumble, stumble, tumble and fumble all over the place---enough to scare the daylights out of people. Richard Reid, the shoe bomber, failed also. Now, this recent incident could be a diversion to get the media's attention away from the subject of say, Health Care."

Quirky Steve had a nose for smelling out conspiracy theories.

____________________________

DON'T FENCE HIRAM IN

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 29 May 2009 17:11:00 +0000

"I have opinions of my own...strong opinions...but I don't always agree with them."

George H. W. Bush

"I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to the facts."

Mark Twain

Hiram was excited. Josh Rugby had leaked, prematurely, that the Snapsville Postscript was for sale. For a song, too! Hiram literally burst into a unique rendition of High Hopes.

If the truth were known, the newspaper, like so many others, was a step away from bankruptcy. The 3,000 circulation weekly had commenced publishing a primitive 'On Line' edition, three years ago, but it was still struggling.

Hiram envisioned himself the publisher, with Josh Rugby, editor and Stormy, Hiram's spouse, doing features and a column.

As to money and financial wherewithal, he would model after the cheeseheads, yes, the Green Bay Packers. He would sell stock and bonds to and among the Snapsville community.

Never mind, that Hiram has a restaurant to run or a political party to placate.

He wants to pontificate as a publisher.

"Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant."

__________

Curtain call

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 13:22:00 +0000

In order that you keep up with our myriad of characters, we will reintroduce the main players with a curtain call:

HIRAM---the protagonist, owner of the Hope Cafe. Candidate for US President and Herkimer's daddy

STORMY---his spouse, former runner up for Miss Kentucky; famous for her 'Rainy days and Mondays' banana pudding. Mother of Herkimer.

STEVE---Most US presidents have one---Hiram's quirky brother. He is divorced and has custody of his (now 8) year old son.

FAITH---Loyal waitress and campaign treasuer

JOSH RUGBY---Hiram's good friend and sports editor of the Snapsville Postscript

REVEREND ROSS ---Hiram's pastor at 3rd Pentecostal Church

BAMBI---Hiram's mother

SINBAD---Hiram's daddy

FOSTER---Hiram's nephew, aged 8. Son of quirky Steve.

JOHN SHUMAKER---Chairman and operations manager of the Surprise Party.

FERN and DEANA: Ladies, who are sisters and do odd jobs around the diner.
_________________________________

During the spring, not much has happened on the local level. Nationally, the big banks and auto-makers continue to predict bankruptcy, and I guess Pontiac as a brand name is gone.

We (Hiram, Josh and I) did attend a bedbug conference at the Sheraton in Arlington, VA. It seems that anytime, anyone mentions a recession or a depression there is an increase in bedbug infestations.

The nasty criitters attack an hour before dawn and they feed on human blood (vampire style). Since the EPA banned DDT and other potent pesticides, the insects have thrived. When the bugs are squished they emit a putrid odor. Cockroaches are their avowed enemies.

Hiram wants to get a speaking engagement at the next bedbug summit.

More, soon.

________________________________

Counting your chickens

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 14:40:00 +0000

Hiram actually seemed chipper, as he mixed pancake batter with pithy banter at 6:00 AM. in the Hope Cafe. His customer base (for breakfast) consisted of six or seven loyalists.

Josh Rugby was first to arrive, "Hi, Hiram. Who do you like in the Series?"

"I don't care, if the Braves aren't in it. They let me down---Come to think of it---I let a bunch of people down, too"

"Don't be so hard on yourself, man! Look for the silver lining."

Josh, although he had written a piece on the Obama/McCain debate at Hofstra, he would stay clear of politcal talk. The Surprise Party had unceremoniously dumped Hiram, while he was confined at the Snaps Mental Resource Center. The rejection letter was short and to the point:

Dear Mr. Hope:

In view of your boorish conduct, commencing in January, 2,008 and continuing, you will disassociate yourself with the Surprise
Party, it's platform, it's creed, it's song and it's bird, effective
ASAP.

The letter was unsigned but on official party stationery.

Reverend Ross was the next customer and he offered to exchange, with Hiram, three weeks of counseling, for ten breakfasts. This offer was politely declined.

It had turned into a routine, humdrum, morming. Stormy, his spouse, had her hands full with their year old tot, Herkimer, but she did find time to do Rainy days and Monday's banana pudding. After all, it was drizzling.

The afternoon was not humdrum. Hiram's nephew Foster, a second grader, had to 'stay in' for pulling a chair out from another student.

Hiram had to leave the Cafe and make peace with the teacher and the injured kid's parents who were threatening a lawsuit.

When he returned to the diner he noticed an obese man eating cherry pie. A closer glimpse revealed him to be the one and only, John Shumaker, the chairman of the Surprise Party.

"Hello Hiram. We have to talk."

What unmitigated nerve, thought Hiram, but he remained silent.

Shumaker apologized for abandoning Hiram. Then he swooped in with the meat.

"Hiram, the Surprise Party is only on the ballot in nine states and I'm pretty desperate. We need a candidate to stand up for us now in the nine states and to go on and represent us in the 2,012 election. We need a courageous, energetic, above reproach, person".

Hiram beamed with an egotistic smile. "Well, just who might that person be?"

"Since Ms. Palin has tested the waters with much sucess, we would be pleased to have as the 2,012 candidate of the Surprise Party, former runner up for Miss. Kentucky, Ms. Stormy Hope."

Hiram rolled his eyes and was close to tears.

John laughed and all his 325 lbs shook.

"Nope, I'm just teasing! I wouldn't take Stormy away from that banana pudding. We are stuck with you, Mr Hope, and congratulations."

All was forgiven.

_________________

The Hiram Hope Hiatus

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 15:11:00 +0000

It's been a long time since you've heard from us and a lot has happened. Just before August 1st, reacting to the aggregate pressures of the cafe fire, the political race, and Stormy's pregnancy, Hiram snapped. He had a severe emotional and nervous breakdown.

It was on July 28th that Hiram simply threw a screaming, hissy fit in which he verbally attacked us all. He fired Steve, his quirky brother, and his waitress, Faith. He also discharged all the volunteer campaign workers including Josh Rugby and me.

The next day he stood in the street, on the square, where he played a bass drum and tried to auction off the Hope Cafe to passersby.

He received a $147 bid which he almost accepted. After a couple of hours, Hiram was making so much noise, that Patrolman Adair took him in.

The Chief of Police, convinced that Hiram's erractic behaviour was serious and not from temporary substance abuse, transported him over to the Mental Health Resource Center at Snaps County Hospital. Patrolman Adair brought Stormy to this facility where she signed to admit Hiram.

He spent 80 days as an inpatient. Now, at his discharge, his prognosis is good but he must avoid heavy stress and stay on his medications, primarily a sensational new pill called La-la-lan.
_________________

Herkimer Hiram Hope was born August 16, weighing in at 9 lbs, 2 oz. The grandparents, Sinbad and Bambi, immediately came to help Stormy with the baby and as of late January, they are still in residence at the Hope abode. The baby is normal, cute and fine.

Steve supervised and completed the fire damage repairs and Hiram is now thinking of reopening. He wants to bring back the old crew.

Faith is now working at the Cracker Barrel and is making a good bit more, but she is on her feet a good bit more. She misses being allowed to flirt with the customers and of course she misses Hiram's political shenanigans. She is expected to return.

Hiram also wants to restart and reinvigorate the campaign but knows the powers at the Surprise Party will be less than enthusiastic. He has also inquired of Josh Rugby and me and we have both agreed to go slow.

That's a conditional 'maybe'.

Communication in Politics

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 00:49:00 +0000

On the day scheduled for an inspection of the Hope Cafe's damages, the adjuster from Great Harpoon Insurance was a no-show. Late in the day, he did call and spoke to Steve, Hiram's quirky brother. The adjuster didn't apologize, but stated that he had a more important claim to handle and would be back to Hiram within a few days. In the meantime, he would send a packet of forms.

Hiram was furious. He urgently needed to commence both the cleanup and the repairs. He had to replenish the food inventory and announce a reopening date. Also, on his hands; the political campaign and a tempermental, 8 1/2, month, pregnant spouse.

He would call Great Harpoon's Home Office and demand immediate action. Unfortunately, the only address he could find, was the wording on the cover of the Company's comic book type policy. That is, "Located deep within the Bermuda Triangle.

He had premium notices from the Happy Bank of the Cayman Islands, but this institution listed only a post office box. No telephone numbers and no URLs. In Snapsville, not even the local insurance agent had additional information. Hiram felt like the oft disrespected comedian, Rodney Dangerfield.

As part of the Surprise Party's surprise campaign training, it's candidates have been learning more about the Internet and about computers in general. For instance, Hiram had learned about a massive, search engine called 'Google' where one can look up practically anything, at no charge, and usually recieve a fast, somewhat credible, answer. Hiram decided to try it.

Since Great Harpoon is 'deep within the Bermuda Triangle', Hiram clicked in the company name, and also the word: Triangle. The screen promptly spit out numerous trigonometry links as well as a list of insurance companies that have been associated with the notorius triangle On the list, there it was: Great Harpoon.

The display gave both an '800' number, and a list of the officers and directors including:

Roth Ira -- President and CEO
Reg Ular Ira -- Vice President of Claims
401 Kaye -- Secretary

Hiram dialed and got through to Ms. 401 Kaye. She informed him that the Great Harpoon home office is located on a ship, actually a 102 foot whaler, that struggles to stay afloat (the Company and the ship).

On board, there is a crew of ten exchange students and, five bearded executives, (including Ms. 401 Kaye) who are all related.

The vessel is loaded with communications gear, blank and moldy comic book insurance policies, cash and captured pirate treasure. Of course, there is also the very big harpoon.

Other than claims, the basic functions of running the Company -- accounting, underwriting, and marketing -- are outsourced to a diverse cabal, in Gary, Indiana.

Once Ms. 401 understood that Hiram was indeed, a legitimate presidential contender --who if elected, might resume war games in the Bermuda Triangle -- she became apprehensive, and conferenced the call into the claims guru, Mr. Reg Ular Ira. Reg remarkably approved payment of Hiram's claim, in full.

"Just fax me your repair bills, invoices, and evidences of lost profits. We will pay you by return, overnight, mail. Just fax them in, er, Sir, Mr. President."

A grand reopening celebration along with a simultaneous political rally is now scheduled for August 1st. There will be music by the local bluegrass group, The Cavemen, and they will be assisted by the Stepford Spouses. Free corn dogs will be served.

Meanwhile, the criminal who tried to set fire to the Cafe has been identified. He is Leroy 'Arson' Carson, a frequently incarcerated two-bit torch.

Who might have hired Arson Carson to do harm to Hiram? That is the urgent question and the state fire marshal and the local police are actively pursuing the matter.

Political dirty tricks?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 15:55:00 +0000

Some unpleasant, troublesome, events have been occurring in Snapsville -- Hiram has been receiving hate mail, urging him to drop out of the Presidential race, and also containing threats of both bodily harm to his family and property damage to his restaurant.

Worse, just before midnight Tuesday, Jimmy Adair, a local patrolman, surprised and apprehended a burglar inside the Hope Cafe. The intruder was in the process of pouring kerosene or some similar accelerant onto the floors and table tops. The Snapsville policeman caught and cuffed the trespasser before he could ignite the smelly liquid.

The prisoner remains unidentified and is stashed in the city jail. The Police Chief is concerned for this inmate's safety as Hiram is quite popular with the regular prisoners. The Hope Cafe sends leftover food to the jail, including remnants of Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding. The jail regulars gorge on this food and resent any disruption. They may feel obligated to be a little rough with the new inmate.

Although Hiram is concerned about the 'hate mail', he is furious about the damage to the cafe. The necessity to close for several days while cleaning, deodorizing, decontaminating and conferring with the insurance company has him irate. And, he is not fond of insurance companies.

Hiram has presented only one previous claim, a small accidental grease fire, that occurred in 2003. The repairs consisted of professional cleaning and painting. The insurance carrier reluctantly paid $6,700, but then cancelled Hiram's policy. The Company is quite prominent:

Carrier -- The Nuclear Glow Insurance Company
Slogan -- You and your good neighbors melt in our good hands

Hiram's local agent had difficulty finding a replacement policy, but eventually found one with a 'surplus lines' company, headquartered deep within the Bermuda Triangle:

Carrier -- The Great Harpoon Insurance Company
Slogan -- Sooner or later you will get the point

Tomorrow, Hiram meets with the adjuster from Great Harpoon.

In recent years this Company's policies have been criticized for not making sense. For being too complicated and for being written in non-comprehensible legalese. Most competing carriers have changed to an 'easy read' format. Take a look at your own Homeowners policy. They are now easier to read.

Last year Great Harpoon decided to upstage the industry by printing their own newer policies in a comic book mode. Yes, 43 pages of illustrated color graphics with separate drawings for each covered peril, each exclusion, each condition. Also, the carrier uses a full page for this important warning:

CAVEAT -- Great Harpoon Insurance Company is an incorporated entity and is recognized under the law of thr sea' as a legal person possessing a mind and its own emotions. Any claim submitted will be subject to:

1. Anger
2. Denial
3. Grief
4. Possible accommodation
5. Closure

Hiram's six year old nephew, Foster, considers the policy to be a 'funny book' and he reads and studies it each time he is in Hiram's home. Foster may know more about the policy than anyone at Great Harpoon,and he is sure to advise Hiram as the claim progresses.

Meanwhile, there is still a political campaign to worry about.

_____________________________

Presidential Power

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 12:27:00 +0000

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power

-- Abraham Lincoln

We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom

-- Stephen Vincent Benet

The oval office acts as a powerful magnet. The closer one gets to it, the greater the attraction

-- Hiram J. Hope

Hiram came to the roundtable this morning, somewhat perturbed. He is concerned that virtually all the lurkers and wannabe potential candidates are now sidling up to the dance floor. The wallflowers are actually walking out onto the floor and are cutting in on the prettiest girls. These procrastinators are now desperately acting like salmon on their upstream trek.

Fred Thompson is scoring high in the polls even though his blast-off announcement is not expected until July 4th. He is definitely dancing.

Michael Bloomberg is pirouetting and he is bringing his own hall, dance band and girls (the Rockettes, no doubt). He is also bringing his treasure.

Newt is trying to dance while still sitting on a fence. He does a mean mug-wump, bunny hop.

Al Gore is swaying near the band stand, causing the breezes to shift, as he anticipates certain awards. The noble Nobel Peace Prize may be his.

Meanwhile, here in Snapsville, Foster's teacher is still bad-mouthing Hiram's candidacy, "It will certainly be a 'fluke' should Mr. Hope win."

Hiram thought about printing some Tee shirts captioned:

Don't be a kook,
Vote for the Fluke.

Then Steve reminded Hiram that in addition to being a 'stroke of luck', a 'fluke' is also a vile, nasty, sucking, parasitic, worm-fish.

Hiram decided to order Tee shirts on another day.

___________________

Diplomacy 101 -- Dining with the Enemy

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 13:14:00 +0000

To the amazement of one and all, Steve, Hiram's quirky brother, graduated from culinary school and with honors. He even received job offers from both the Cracker Barrel, over on the Interstate, and from the local IGA deli. All this attention prompted Steve to quiz Hiram regarding his new job and to inquire about fringe benefits offered at the Hope Cafe.

"Other than free meals, there are none," cautioned Hiram. "Just work hard and don't gormandize."

Meanwhile, early this morning, Stormy went to see Dr. Patel for a check-up and a sonogram. Little Hiram is expected to be a hefty baby and his ETA--+about August 15th. Stormy was urged to stay off her feet and to diet a bit.

Hiram closely monitored the recent New Hampshire Democratic and Republican debates. He stood in front of his full length mirror and practiced rebutting each of the candidates while choosing appropriate, effective, body language.

Hiram is hoping that the FCC will invoke the "fairness doctrine" that will force the networks and TV stations to offer the minor political parties and low budget candidates equal exposure. Hiram dreams of debating Mitt or Rudy and/or Hillary or Obama.

Faith mentioned that Democrat John Edwards is sending each of his contributors a copy of his mom's recipe for pecan pie. Hiram wondered whether he should similarly send out Stormy's recipe for Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding.

That would be publishing a trade secret much like if Coke should reveal their formula in USA Today. Yet, if some of the world's most hostile, evil, leaders are exposed to truly delicious cuisine, they may just sweeten up. For instance, the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, has spent his life smelling, tasting and consuming kimchi---a known food WMD.

Rainy Days puddiing as well as Ms. Edward's pie might turn Kim around. Hiram (the impulsive decider) will have to meditate on this one.

________________________________

Continuity of Government Commission

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 26 May 2007 14:40:00 +0000

Text of E-mail sent to American Enterprise Institute re their "Continuity of Government Commission", which plans for survival in the event of devastating terrorist attacks.

Gentlemen and Ladies:

I am Hiram Hope, presidential nominee of the Surprise Party. For background information please see the link, below. While I am fictitious as is the Surprise Party, we have a keen interest in the progress of the Commission including its findings and recommendations. In reviewing your Web site, it frankly appears that you are stagnating with no activity reported since 2003.

These CONTINUITY issues are far too important and vital to be ignored, or addressed in a lackadaisical fashion. Please include us in or on any free mailing lists, newsletterrs, position papers, etc.

FOR A STRONGER AMERICA

Hiram J. Hope

The Surprise Party in dangerous times

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 16 May 2007 15:22:00 +0000

Tuesday night following the Republican Party (Fox) presidential debate, Hiram called to make sure all of us campaign workers made it to the 6:00 AM roundtable at the cafe. For one thing, he wanted guinea pigs to test a new recipe.

Steve, Hiram's quirky brother, has continued to make progress in cooking school. He has come under undue influence of the school's dean, Dimitria, a disciple of global warming. At this morning's meeting Steve introduced a new low-cal, carbon neutral, ever-green, pancake made with ethanol and served with honey from killer bees.

We were all hungry enough to scarf down at least one. Only two of us had to throw-up. I reminded Hiram to be certain that his product liability insurance is in force. As for Steve, Josh Rugby, suggested that he go out to Snapsville Mall and attempt to interest Starbucks in this new politically correct, breakfast. That should definitely help the Hope Cafe.

Hiram quickly reminded us that the purpose of our meeting was business, not pleasure. He rapped his fork against a glass and commenced his remarks:

"Most of you, except my very tired and pregnant spouse, saw the Republican debate last night. While it was not spectacular, I was glad to see the moderator pose a series of questions, regarding potential terrorist attacks. Attacks occurring to and within the Continental United States.

"For far too long most of us including yours truly, have considered presidential politics to be fun and games, or a light and fluffy spectator sport, a form of entertainment. And why, not? Rallies, conventions, debates, parties and parades are indeed fun. Our times have changed!

"Especially since 9/11, times have dramatically changed! We now live in the most perilously dangerous times since the founding of our country. We have multiple and diverse enemies who possess or will soon possess radiological, chemical and bacteriological weapons. We are talking nukes including dirty ones. We are talking nerve gas. We are talking anthrax and worse. And we are talking motivated suicide bombers.

"Without even dwelling on the possible injuries and casualties, imagine daily living with a total absence of money and with a complete disruption of the banking system. No stocks, bonds or 401K's. No Social Security or veteran's checks. Imagine super market shelves that remain bare while hungry throngs meander about, waiting for a chopper to drop MRE's. Imagine limited quantities of medicine and gasoline only available to someone willing to barter fire arms, jewelry, or perhaps a hen that still lays rather than lays still.

"The Surprise Party, its representatives and delegates, pray that these tragic events never occur. That our greatest misfortune might be having to consume a disagreeable green pancake.

"Surprise candidates are being chosen on the basis of character and their street sense. And while we work for a vibrant economy, sound education, reformed taxes, and other domestic issues, we will reach out to befriend our global allies as well as our enemies while keeping our Armed Forces strong and ready.

"A couple of prominent Washington think tanks have been researching ways to keep our government operating smoothly, should we sustain a devastating attack. As presidential nominee of the Surprise Party, I have asked the directors of these think tanks to keep us apprised and advised of their findings and recommendations.

"In the meantime, politics can still be enjoyable, if we are prudent, curious, cautious and wise."

...a time to mourn...A time to be born...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 22 Apr 2007 18:05:00 +0000

We were stunned and shocked by the horrendous tragedy at VPI, and our flags have been at half mast. In addition, now we have the fallen Blue Angel. Therefore, we will continue our period of mourning through Wednesday, April 25th. Campaign activities will be rescheduled.

Hiram and Stormy, who are expecting their first child in August, do wish to underscore at least one major item of good news: The US Supreme Court has struck down the 'partial birth abortion' procedure and it appears that third trimester slaughters will be greatly reduced. At least some good has resulted from the Bush presidency---his selection of judges.

HIRAM HOPE FOR PRESIDENT COMMITTEE
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The Winning Campaign Song

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 13:09:00 +0000

Although the campaign song contest deadline was April 1st, Hiram waited another ten days, just in case, lethargic snail mail might be in route. Steve, the quirky brother, and I, were underwelmed by the entry response. Both the quantity and quality.

Nevertheless, a pretty good entry did come from 80-year-old Matilda Elmore. She is a resident of an assisted living facility near Missoula, Montana. Actually, we have declared Matilda to be our first place winner. At the bottom of this post you will see her complete lyrics which are to be sung to the tune of the old standard: Ja-da, Ja-da.

We do have logistical problems with regard to awarding her prize. How are we going to get weekly, heaping bowls of---Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding---to Missoula, in edible condition?

Steve spoke up: "I've got it. At my cooking school, we've learned how to 'can' just about any substance. I'm sure I can 'can' banana pudding. We'll just dance the can 'can', put the stuff in Mason jars and ship her a years supply. If it's a hit, maybe Wal-Mart will pick it up."

The song will be introduced at next Monday's lunch. Years ago Hiram's wife, Stormy, won the talent portion of the Miss Kentucky contest, by impersonating Barbra Streisand and her version of Second Hand Rose.

Since Stormy can still belt 'em out, she will sing 'Hiram, He's the Man' accompanied by Foster, her ukulele strumming nephew. Next, a barber shop quartet will go at it and we'll add a Dixieland band. Then, we'll give out the song sheets for the sing-along.

The goal: Everybody leaves happy -- whistling or humming the campaign song.

Here are the words to: Hiram, He's the Man.

Hiram, Hiram
He's the man for President.
Vote for, Hiram
The next White House resident.
He'll lower taxes; oil prices too.
Protect this country; that's me and you.

Vote for, Hiram
He's the man for President.

Second bridge:

He has courage and is moral for sure.
Believes in defense and a homeland secure.

MORE SOON

"Not Greedy of Filthy Lucre" I Tim 3.8

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 19:55:00 +0000

On the Sunday prior to Easter, Hiram insisted to Stormy that they were overdue for a blessing and insisted that they attend services. The campaign has been going well and Stormy's pregnancy has, thus far, been uncomplicated.

There will be adjustments ahead including choosing someone to run Hope's kitchen during the coming months. As a potential solution, Hiram has convinced Steve, his quirky brother, to take over in the galley and to prepare himself by enrolling in a culinary class at Snaps Community College. Steve has registered. It is anybody's guess whether he will complete the 8 week course.

Reverend Ross chose as his sermon topic the 'love of money' being the 'root of all evil'. Hiram, at first, misunderstood the preacher's accent and thought he was railing against, 'filthy liquor' rather than 'filthy lucre'. Hiram's waitress, Faith, would certainly agree with the 'filthy' part as she always wipes down the Hope Cafe's currency with a sponge saturated with turpentine. It kills bacteria but Hiram's deposits always have an aroma.

The preacher's conclusion: It's okay to have a platonic relationship with money, just don't adore the stuff. By the way, the Surprise Party puts little emphasis on money. Party chairman, John Shumaker, is coming in for a Wednesday rally and will be going over a variety of Surprise strategies including how to run a campaign SANS the dollars.

Reverend Ross' choice of sermon topic was both timely and coincidental. The national media have been in a frenzy awaiting 1st quarter financial reports from the major presidential candidates. How many millions have they each collected?

The media presumes that the amount collected relates to and predicts the number of votes to be cast. Yet, even the word 'collected' is suspect. These politicians actually report pledges, not actual collections. Thus, a portion of the money promised never, ever, arrives and the figures being reported are skewed.

Hillary has been the first to report, and as she includes some old money (which spends quite well), she is sitting on a cool 35 million. Edwards is expected to come in at about 16 million and Obama is somewhere between the two, but nearer Hillary.

Senator McCain is falling a bit short. Candidates who don't realize their goals, or who are expecting 'filthy lucre' that never comes, may soon be reaching for 'filthy liquor'.

After soaking up the TV news, as she worked Monday, Faith became concerned that Hiram had neglected to file a financial report. Not knowing how to contact the Federal Election Commission, she opted to call CNN:

FAITH: Is this Cable News? May I speak with either Anderson or Wolf?

CNN: Mr. Cooper and Mr. Blitzer are at the Big Dance finals. Is there a message?

FAITH: Oooh! I didn't realize they were dance partners. Who leads? -- Never mind. -- I just need to speak to someone who handles breaking news.

CNN: Hang on for our intern, FiFi.

FAITH: Hi, FiFi. I'm Faith, the finance chairman for Hiram Hope.

FIFI: Hopa. You are Hopa?

FAITH: Mr. Hopa -- er that's Hope is running for president. I want to give you his financial report for the 1st quarter. Just listen, please, and write this down. I put an empty dill pickle jar next to our cash register. It is labelled: Hiram's Pretty Petty Cash. So far, our customers have dropped in $377.00. I just want to get that report in so that we are legal.

FIFI: Miss Hopa coulda you calla back?---I, don'a know dilla pickle.---I speaka no English.

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Link to C-span: For genuine political news.

Campaign Conference

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 21:17:00 +0000

After school each day, Hiram's six year old nephew, Foster, walks from Snapsville Elementary to the Hope Cafe, a distance of three blocks. He always arrives at about 3:30 and is very happy that his uncle and aunt are in the food business. His mid-afternoon snack has become a ritual and Hiram looks forward to sitting down and chatting with the boy. Today, Foster appeared to be more agitated than usual.

"Uncle Hiram, my teacher says that there is no way that you can win the Presidential election. And she told that to the whole class."

"Oh, Fos. There are a lot of people who don't see us winning. It is not a sure thing, but it is certainly possible."

"Miss Gage said that to win you will need many electrical volts and that our small state has only eight electrical volts."

Hiram chuckled. "It's electoral, not electrical; votes, not volts."

"Well, even if it is votes---don't we need more than eight?"

"Foster, eat the rest of your tapioca. The presidential election process is convoluted. That is, its a mixed-up system. Here's the thing. If no candidate gets a majority of the country's electoral votes, the House of Representatives in Washington chooses the President. So, maybe, even if we are in third place, we can win."

"And, Miss Gage, could get a shock from the Surprise Party, even though the votes aren't electrical."

"Finish your Tapioca."

Worthy winged species?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 17:59:00 +0000

Hiram knocked briefly on my door, twisted the knob, and let himself in. He caught me in the midst of consuming a Dagwood style bologna sandwich.

"Hey, haven't you heard? There is a pretty good restaurant in this town. We serve superb cold cuts, ham, cheese and sliced turkey breast."

"Well, Hiram, if this campaign manager's job were not voluntary, perhaps I could afford to eat at your establishment. Speaking of turkey, though, what about the Surprise Party's bird? Any ideas?"

"Yes, I have. I like the dodo bird but it happens to be extinct."

"Extinct won't do."

"I'm thinking of another one. It's a big bird that has persistence and endurance. When I went to 'Nam four or five of them followed our troop transport, all the way. The creatures were rewarded with an all they could eat buffet, as the garbage was thrown over the sides."

"Good choice!" I said, "Many of the birds hung out at Midway Island where they nested and rested and trained the baby birds to fly."

"I, Hiram J. Hope, do affirm and declare that the official bird of the Surprise Party is the mighty ALBATROSS affectionly known as the GOONEY BIRD.