The Bridge Builder's Wife

Still the Bridge Builder's Wife

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Fri, 12 Jul 2024 12:54:00 +0000

Hi friends!

I have been away for a while. It has been an adventure. Last time I wrote on this blog, I was up to my chin in the toddler years. Wandering around my house from one mess to another, embracing little baby cheeks and just trying to make it to bed time.

The last 5 years, God has brought me on a journey. It has been full of joy and trials and like every journey, it has cost me something. I went from a stay-at-home mom, to a small-business owner, to managing multiple branches of that business and now working on the corporate end of that company. I even had a brief stint as an "influencer,"giving hours of my life to try-on's, affiliate links, and posts that I hoped would connect.

It was a little bit of whip-lash to go from staying home to working 50-60 hours a week. It is amazing the way that my husband and I shifted into new roles. We had to grow quickly in our marriage and as people. Our life is completely different in one thousand ways than it was the last time I wrote here.

I gave up my peace and in many ways gave up things I loved most to chase success. Many of my months the last 5 years were so busy and I stared at my husband through tears saying, "I can't do this, I can't live at this pace."But then I would go faster, trying to outrun all the things I thought were holding me back.

The best part about it all is that I've found a way through it, and I am still me. God has been so kind to me and merciful to remind me over and over again the things that make a life. Friendships with vulnerability. My feet in the grass (they call it grounding!). The sun on my face. A good book in my lap. The weight of my children.

God kept me close to my marriage and my children when every distraction pulled me away. He brought me back to Him when I tried to make a life that centered around myself. In His grace, He reminded me that the truest things are still true.

This July, I received a great gift: a pause. A month off from my corporate job, which led to me taking a month off social media and giving a month to my family. A chance to heal a bit from some health things, rest my brain and body, and seek renewal in more ways than one.

So I am writing a little, laying in bed a lot. As an optimist, I started my sabbatical with a new puppy- how fun will that be! Beverly is eating a book as I write this and everyone is okay with that. Through lots of doctor appointments and IV treatments and lots of learning about my body, I am finding room for margin. It has been a joy to live and not rush, to lose the rush of my heart in my chest as I log in from one meeting to the next. To lose my phone and have my computers both dead.

I will write a few more updates this month and can't wait to share how I have found light and my way home on a bumpy, sometimes dark road. Here I am, I can't wait to hear where you have been, too.

15 Minutes

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Thu, 05 Dec 2019 12:23:00 +0000

When I was pregnant with my first child, Emmy, I was set on having a natural childbirth, without drugs.

How fun! What a great idea.

I had wonderful books and support given to me throughout my pregnancy, from my friend Erica, from another who is a midwife, and my mom's bestie, a doula. None of these ladies were with me during the actual childbirth but their advice made my first labor and delivery one of those surreal, amazing experiences making that the FIRST and LAST time in my life that my hopes and expectations lined up!

One of the many, many, MANY pieces of advice I learned during that first pregnancy was from another mom at church who had just had a baby. She said that if you want to have a drugless childbirth, every time you want the epidural, just wait 15 minutes.

She pointed out that as your pain throughout labor increases, your body struggles to manage that pain. Those are the unbearable moments. But as you endure through the pain, your body learns to cope with it. So every time I wanted that epidural, I looked at the clock and said, okay, I will wait 15 minutes and see if my body copes.

And it did. Every time.

I loved that labor, the elation I felt when I held that baby was incredible and my body felt oddly terrific. None of these things happened with my next three births, but that one was this sweet memory to me of how sometimes in life, everything goes well. I walked into the hospital that morning and had a nurse who was supportive and encouraging about drugless childbirth, my labor went quickly, it was all remarkable.

I have some crazy stories on how the next three labors were NOTHING LIKE THIS ONE and with my fourth, Charlie, I was sobbing, hunched over clinging to the hospital bed and waiting the longest THREE MINUTES OF MY LIFE for the anesthesiologist to arrive. So please don't hear me say that I am superwoman or that I am pro drugless childbirth because duh, a thousand little things happen to make labor and delivery not go as we hope and plan.

Such is life.

This morning I woke up at 3:30 am to a little voice crying out from their room. I ignored it a few times because I knew if I actually got out of bed, it was game over, no more sleep for me, but after a few minutes it was clear this person needed their Mama. I went in expecting a wet bed or a need for cough medicine.

Nope, just a declaration: "my penis hurts."

Um, okay, there is nothing I can do to help you. Here is your blanket. See you in 4 hours.

I couldn't go back to sleep as all the anxieties and worries about parenting, work, Christmas, friendships, worries about people I know who are struggling assailed me. Thankfully I know where to go, and I came downstairs with my Bible and a cup of coffee.

I was reminded once again, as I always, always am in these moments, that when life is hard and overwhelming, just wait. I prayed and asked God to help increase my capacity to handle the hard things of life. They're not going away. So how do I endure? He can give me what I need to feel peace and joy in the midst of ALL things.

It doesn't mean to take on more than you can carry, it just means that when the load gets so heavy that you feel like you can't move another inch, there is a place for you to lay it down and rest.

"Come to me, all ye who are weary and heavy laden..."

Sigh, how weary are you? Are you burdened this December? There is a place to rest. A quiet place to find hope.

I remember the days when the kids were smaller, like a minute ago, and I spent most of my day inside moving from one minor catastrophe to the next. My entire day was spent feeding people, wiping their crumbs, wiping their bottoms, moving piles of messes from one room to the next, drinking coffee, and... watching the clock. As little disasters erupted throughout the house, there were times I felt so lonely and overwhelmed. Do you know what practical thing I did, several times a day?

I looked at the clock. When I was making dinner in a room piled with dishes and one child holding my leg and one child on my hip and two children in the next room fighting, I looked at the clock. And I thought to myself: "Okay, this feels REALLY hard right now. I don't think I can do this. But I will wait 15 minutes and see if things get better." Sometimes I said aloud: "God I FEEL like I cannot do this. But all I need to do is stay present in this moment and love these people. Please help me."

Now I definitely had children that could throw tantrums a LOT longer than 15 minutes -- do you know that every day when my youngest son Charlie wakes up from his nap, he cries for an hour and a half? Every day! He still does it! Is it a weird red-head thing? I don't know! I had giant spills on the kitchen floor that took me longer than 15 minutes to clean up-- like the time Archer dumped out 3 lbs of jasmine rice-- some days it just felt like I watched that clock alllll dayyyyy lonnnnggg until 7 or 8 at night when Michal came home.

But for real, moms of little kids or people who feel like you can't get through whatever season you're in, put on your favorite song, light a candle, phone a friend, make a cup of coffee, you know what to do. My strongest seasons of faith haven't been the ones where I saw amazing change, or miracles, or easy, free living. They best ones have been the ones where I am sitting there, watching the clock. Watching Heaven, waiting for an answer and often, not hearing much of anything.

There are seasons where all I can do is sit on the couch, look at the ceiling and say: I am in pain, I am suffering, where are You and what will You do here?

The answer comes eventually, as it always, always does. One time it took 11 months! 11 months of waiting and asking God for hope and peace when I felt none. But that is not long compared to the years and lifetimes that I know others have had to wait.

Sometimes it's 15 minutes, sometimes it's your life on Earth, but if you wait, He will give you what you need. He knows you better than anyone, loves you best of all, and he has what you need. Look at the clock and hang in there, dear friend.

"But as struggle increased, Grace abounded more and more" -Romans 5:20

"I remember my bitterness and my suffering, but this I call to mind, therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassion never fails" -Lamentations 3

"He is before ALL things and IN HIM ALL THINGS HOLD TOGETHER" -Colossians 1:17

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will rejoice over you with singing. He will quiet you with His love" -Zephaniah 3:17

"Come to ME, all who are weary and burdened... and I will give you rest." Jesus, Matthew 11:28

My Experiences with Postpartum Depression

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Fri, 16 Nov 2018 20:10:00 +0000

Okay let me begin by saying the obvious-- I am not a mental health professional. I have a degree in psychology that is shaky at best and would say it's a miracle I graduated college with the grades and lack of enthusiasm I had towards my major. I am just an average mama, sharing her experience with a struggle many, many women have. The things I've walked through are specific to my story and the things that have helped me are specific to my body chemistry and wiring.

In my opinion, postpartum depression has always been an obvious affect of motherhood in the infancy years because-

A. You are so tired

B. It is a major life transition with lots of unexpected hardships

C. Your hormones are crazy

D. Motherhood can be incredibly isolating

E. You are so tired! (worth saying twice, because having babies = no sleep!)

So I've always thought, duh! What doctors call "Postpartum Depression" is really just the affect that having a baby has on your life.

Boy was I wrong. Yes there is the normal exhaustion that accompanies these precious newborns but postpartum depression is something more.

Six weeks after Emmy was born I can remember sobbing and screaming at Mike because he went to play hockey with his friends. Something I had told him I was fine with beforehand. But while he was out, Emmy cried and cried and I seriously freaked out. I called him in a rage, yelling, "What is this? The 1950's? Why on Earth am I home holding this baby while you're out with your friends? I can't believe I married the most selfish person on the planet!"

I was a lot of fun to be around that year.

My mental health after with Mack was born was a little worse, I constantly felt overwhelmed but I attributed my tears and anxiety to the stress of having two small children.

However after having Archer, something was different. I cried, A LOT, over small, insignificant things I do not cry over usually. I also felt an abnormal amount of shame and guilt. Now I'm the first to say that I'm not a perfect mom! But I do not "wallow" in my imperfections, spending chunks of time mentally beating myself up for my shortcomings. I try to see my failures as a natural part of parenting and trust God to give my kids what they really need when I fall short.

But 5-6 months after I had Archer, a fleeting thought started coming into my brain. At first it was once a month, then I started thinking it once a week. Then it became once a day. And the thought was, "I am such a bad mom, my kids would be better off without me. I am such a bad wife, my husband would be better off without me."

This really scared me. Even though I am surrounded by people who encourage me and tell me I'm a great mom, these thoughts kept running through my head. My kids and husband seem to adore me (like 75% of the time) I am not prone to self-loathing, so I knew something was terribly wrong.

I googled the symptoms for postpartum depression and saw, "feelings of guilt and shame" at the top of the list. One of the ways I could also tell something was wrong was that Archer was sleeping more, pretty much through the night most nights yet I felt unusually tired. Things that wouldn't normally upset me made me want to lay under the covers and cry. I missed a friend's wedding and cried for days. I got snappy with a family member and said something I later regretted. I couldn't rebound from relational issues and stewed over every little thing. I constantly felt on edge.

Overall, I felt terribly trapped by my children and surroundings. I felt faraway from the person I used to be (jokingly referring to myself "as a shell of the woman I once was" to my husband). I felt isolated and misunderstood. I felt like I would never be able to enjoy things again. I felt unable to handle my life and constantly like I didn't have a capacity to take on the daily things I had to engage in for basic survival.

Then when my son was six months old, I got pregnant again.

Ha! But thankfully I also started to seek help. I found a wonderful Christian counselor in our area, and GET THIS, the receptionist offered to watch my kids in the waiting room during my session. Other times I relied on my neighbors or paid a sitter to watch my kids so I could go. It was a commitment and an investment, but it made a huge difference in my life.

The BIGGEST thing that started to help me feel relief was telling a few people that I was struggling. I mean, I thought it had been obvious. Especially to my husband. But I forget how much I internalize things and a lot can go unnoticed when you have three small children running around. So one night I told Michal alllll the things I had been thinking. The sadness I felt laying around me like a heavy blanket. The anxiety I felt over my children's safety that made my heart and thoughts race at night (I was starting to not even want to get in the car some days out of fear we'd be in an accident). The feelings that maybe my family would be better with a more capable mom- a bonus if she was better looking because I just couldn't shed that 3rd baby weight (crazy thoughts, I know).

And trickiest of all-- I shared with him the feeling that I was carrying these burdens alone, isolated with my runaway thoughts and the emotions I felt unable to keep in check. A couple of times I forced myself to say aloud the words: "I am depressed" aloud to a few friends-- mostly over the phone because that is my reality these days-- and it is amazing the power of confession. It can be so healing for the soul.

I didn't instantly feel better, there were a lot of ups and downs. A major downer was when my midwife told me that postpartum depression typically gets worse with each child you have. I cried for a long time when I found that out. But the counselor I saw really understood me and was able to give me a few suggestions that helped me based on my personality. And I'm trying not to have this post all wrapped up in a nice tidy bow-- because mental health issues rarely end that way-- but I can say my mental recovery from having Charlie was better than any of my previous three experiences.

I hesitate to share these, because everyone needs different things and everyone's personally and body are wired so differently, but these are a few small things that helped me significantly--

Plan something to look forward to every month after baby is born-- I love hosting people and I love traveling. Before Charlie was born, I had scheduled a visitor or a special outing every month. It helped break up the routine of taking care of a newborn. If that is overwhelming to you, don't do it! Only put on the schedule things and people that you KNOW will be refreshing to you and not draining. This is a season of life where you can't do things out of guilt or obligation, you need to put yourself first.

Taking my vitamins-- My midwife group encouraged me to start some anxiety/depression mediations while pregnant. I am DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY pro medicine. In my case, I tried a high dose of vitamins recommended to me by my midwife and counselor and didn't need the medication. If my symptoms continued or got worse, I was all ready to start something that would specifically target the places in my brain that needed help.

Regular commitments-- I joined a Bible study that met on Saturday mornings. I opened up to these women about my struggle and they really rallied around me. Once Charlie was born, it was harder for me to get there but just knowing these women were praying for me gave me a lot of encouragement. Some women need to pause their schedule after a baby is born but I've learned that I need a few scheduled things to get me out of the house.

Exercise-- even just short little walks helped me. We joined a YMCA and I went for a month or two but of course we paid for it for like twenty! Sometimes I would youtube a quick yoga video. Whatever, but the benefits of exercise makes a big difference for a lot of people.

I hope that if you get postpartum depression, you have people to talk to about it. You can always e-mail me. Now that Charlie is 20 months old, I feel like I'm coming out of a fog. My kids can all play together for big chunks of time. People are coloring on the walls a little bit less. It no longer stresses me out to run errands or even go out to eat with all four kids.

I have so much hope for you, friend.

There is no shadow God cannot light up: and even though some of us shoulder these mental health burdens throughout our lives, we can help one another carry them.

God is with you in Every Season

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Mon, 16 Jul 2018 12:29:00 +0000

The first night we moved into this house, I could barely sleep. Looking out our window into the July night, I saw hundreds of fireflies flickering in the forest. I could hear a far off train whistle blow. Instantly the verse came into my mind, "The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places... I will praise the Lord... even at night, my heart instructs me."

Our house on one of MANY snowy days!

This house in the woods holds many sweet memories

Living in a small town has rebuilt our family's foundation. For the first time in five years, Mike came home every night. Not being close to amenities or family gave our family one option in our free time: each other. We brought home two beautiful baby boys.

But these years have also broken my heart in the best of ways. I have never experienced depression or loneliness the way I did in this home in the woods. I cried in every corner of this sweet house. A hundred times I told Michal, "I don't feel like myself. I feel lost here. I wish I had friends."

I have never been one to choose a word of the year (this is a thing. I promise. Other Christians do it). But in 2017 I chose the word "hope" to be something I focused on in my prayer times. That entire year, hope felt like the furthest thing in the world. I studied it, I asked God to give me more of it, but I did not feel it. I felt stuck, like our life here would not change.

I feel bad complaining about these things because I know that most people have more difficult circumstances than me. My family is together. My kids are healthy. Our home is safe. But loneliness is a sickness of the heart and it affected me in a deep way.

So after 11 months of praying for hope, I felt none. And in November I can remember having the daily thought, "I hate my life." My mind was a steady soundtrack of negativity and hopelessness.

I have a wonderful counselor I started meeting with when I had postpartum depression after Archer was born. Talking to her and Michal about these thoughts helped me immensely. There is no magic formula, but suddenly, hope broke my hard heart. December 2017 our circumstances were the same but I felt so much hope for the first time in years. I began to understand that God IS hope. Peter calls Jesus "the living hope" and I can honestly say that this Spring I have been experiencing that on a daily basis.

We are moving this week and ironically I have made so many friends in this town the past few months. New neighbors have moved in and I've connected with parents of my kids' friends. It took us hours and lots of tears as we drove around saying good-bye to people that have showed up for my family in a hundred different ways.

This season has had a full-circle completeness about it. There was so much joy in the midst of suffering. Light broke through my little darkness. Just like it always does.

If you are struggling, keep moving forward. If there is darkness in your life, choose the things that turn on the light. If you are hopeless, there is only one place deep, abiding hope is found. Read the bible. Ask God to show you true hope. I just cannot imagine life without it.

I know that a change of circumstances will not bring me endless joy or peace. It is great that God is providing our family a fresh start in Des Moines but it's not going to fix all our problems. In this world, we will have trouble. That's an actual promise from God, too.

The lessons God taught me in this season have changed my heart in deep lasting ways. I will remember every little way God showed up for me. My faith is deeper because of the years it wavered. My hope is stronger because it felt absent for so long.

This morning the boxes are packed and the movers are coming in a few hours. There is not enough coffee in the world to get me through this day! Archer only has one shoe and I can't find my wedding rings. Where would I have packed them? WHY would I have packed them? Boo!

Instead of emptying out my fridge, I am sitting here shedding a few tears for my friends who are suffering. I am praying for them and that a little light breaks through their darkness like it did for me. There is so much pain and loss in this world. In my short, wobbly, life experience, I can say of the best things, "I learned it in the night."

"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." -Sarah Williams

"Weeping may last through the night but joy comes in the morning" -Psalm 30:5

"I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
So I say, 'My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the Lord.

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love
we are not consumed.
For His compassions NEVER fail.
They are new every morning;
great is YOUR faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for Him.

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him,
to the one who seeks Him."
-Lamentations 3:20-26

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times: What my husband doesn't know about Motherhood

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Mon, 02 Jul 2018 19:14:00 +0000

So a few months ago, Mike and I bought these awesome electric toothbrushes we kept seeing at Costco, we love them and they have fulfilled all their teeth whitening, plaque erasing promises. Except unlike normal toothbrushes you have to actually replace the brush heads every 3 months. We noticed they weren't working as well, so Mike began reminding me to buy more. At least 5 Costco trips have come and gone and we still do not have the brush-heads. My hygenic husband is getting annoyed with me but I do all the shopping so he's at the mercy of my super-spotty memory.

Yesterday around noon, I went into the bathroom and saw that his toothbrush was black. Like either one of the kids brushed their teeth with chocolate in their mouth, it had a run-in with some potting soil, or (most likely) someone used it to wipe their butt. I noticed... but then a zillion other things happened and I forgot-- until Mike came home, went to blow his nose, and totally freaked out.

I already felt on edge, because #lifewithfourkids but at first gave him the benefit of the doubt because hey, if we're entitled to anything in this world it's a poop-free toothbrush. However, after hearing again...and again, then realizing he never said "thank you" for dinner or complimented me on our clean-ish house, the whole situation began to get under my skin.

And after a few minutes, I was full on fuming. In my mind a slideshow played of all the crap I had put up with so far this week.

Let's start with Mack, the best behaved kid.

Monday I gave him an impromptu haircut: "Mom, I just wanted to see if the gum would stick to my forehead!" Tuesday I caught him peeing on Archie's Little Tikes car in the backyard: "But you said I could pee outside!"

Archer. I could tell a thousand tales...
Wednesday I found him with the box of tampons I had just bought the night before (rushing to the drugstore right before it closed, during the witching hour with 4 cranky kids in tow!) dipping them into the toilet one at a time and licking the toilet water off the plastic wrapping like they were popsicles, the big kids were super confused why I was in the shower with my clothes on, scrubbing Archer from head to toe!

I had a good cry Thursday morning because I had lost my temper with the kids immediately after we talked about our verse for the day: "Love is patient and kind," so glad I can give them a great example of the OPPOSITE of love.

These are just a few *bonus* moments on top of the daily rhythms of housework, instructing, playing, cooking, driving, ecetera... and let's not even mention all the wonky health issues we've had the last month.

A lot of times when Mike gets home and says, "Honey how was your day?" I respond with a simple, "yeah." Or sometimes if it was really bad, I'll just say, "Ummmm...." It is our code for the fact that my days can no longer be summed up in a few simple phrases. In this house, with these people, and it being the heightened intensity that is SUMMER with all 4 little people home all day, every day, words can not often describe the roller coaster I am on for the next 18 years and all the mamas said, Amen.

So although I wanted to FREAK OUT on Mike for being critical about the toothbrush incident, because seriously-- stop complaining, rub some bleach on that thing and move on to the next catastrophe, I had to stop and realize there is just so much about my life he will not understand. He might get frustrated that my "negligence" led to Archer escaping into the bathroom and doing who knows what with Daddy's toothbrush, but what he doesn't know is that that ish happens all day every day, there just aren't enough stains around here to notice (or in my case, I am married to an unobservant man who doesn't always notice the dings in the walls, the fact that we have 2 plates left from a wedding gifted set of 12, avoids the laundry room, and has no idea the amount of crap piled up on my side of the bed).

On my more dramatic days I walk around saying things in my head like "I've died a thousand deaths today" which is probably something I read in an Emily Bronte books back when reading was an actual thing for me. On easier days I just roll my eyes at everything and drink coffee as I hustle about, saving everyone's lives a dozen different ways and tracking their bowel movements.

My husband is my all-time parenting lifeline. There is no way I could survive without Michal's support. He is the actual BEST person I could have ever married-- encouraging me when I have my head in the sand, telling me I'm a great mom when the voice in my head says otherwise, and helping me to function like a real-life grown-up. When he gets home from work, he is there beside me washing dishes, handing out bandaids, rescuing Charlie from being the landing pad from Archer's superhero leaps off the couch. Like all good husbands, he shares my load when he's home by his physical presence and when he's away by praying for us and fighting to stay emotionally connected.

But he also really has no idea what it's like to be the default parent, the one handing out rations of soda crackers and ginger ale by day and then cleaning up their puke covered sheets by night. So really, the toothbrush is the least of my worries especially since he hasn't seen what the boys did last week with a permanent marker in the loft!

A few days ago it felt like I was walking on sand. I couldn't figure out the source of this awesome new texture on my floor until I saw this empty 5 lb container of sugar sitting on my counter.

This is just something we will always "agree to disagree" on. It used to be my mission to make Mike understand what being a stay-at-home mom is like. But just like I can't understand what it's like to work in the blazing heat all day, pouring concrete and moving bulldozers around, he will never understand what it's like to take four kids to the pediatrician for a check-up.

There is a huge population of people who totally get me-- other moms! We are all doing our best, poopy toothbrushes and all. If you're husband doesn't understand you, I promise to. I might even have just locked my kids outside and told them to check the garage deep freeze for a snack if they get hungry. I'm pretty sure there is just raw meat in it but if they're lucky they'll find a frozen pizza or half an old popsicle to hold them over.

Cheers to surviving summer!

How One Thing Saved My Motherhood, But Is Now Hurting It

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Mon, 12 Feb 2018 16:31:00 +0000

In the past week I discovered what's now my favorite song, started a list of books to read for 2018, tried a recipe that my family loved, stuck by a list of cold remedies and beat out the virus that was attacking us, tried a weight loss challenge that seems to be working, got a great tip that helped me address a difficult behavior in my son, and made a new friend. All these things came from the great wide world of Social Media.

Social Media has been a dear friend to me these past six years of parenting. I specifically remember a season where my husband worked seven days a week and I had two young children. Any parent who spends their weekends solo with kids knows that this is one of the hardest times to have your spouse away. Taking kids to church alone, not having anyone to call, walking your neighborhood on a Saturday when everyone else is home with their families, all feel especially isolating. This is when I discovered Instagram. I began sharing posts and following along like-minded mamas and suddenly I didn't feel so alone. Even though there were days I didn't talk to another adult, people's comments or messages encouraged my heart and kept me going through a hard season. I am so thankful for Instagram-- in all its white kitchen glory.

Because of Facebook, I have started and succeeded in two businesses that have provided for my family. I have learned of my friends' engagements, marriages, pregnancies, and beautiful children. Often my news source, I can honestly say my opinion on the last election was shaped through articles and thoughtful insight shared by my friends (I am not joking here, I am connected to some smart and kind people, the rest... unfollowed!) I bought a mattress that a friend raved about and planned a trip based on a friend's post. I found people struggling that my husband and I supported financially and in prayer. I cried through stories shared about sick kids and babies lost. I saw pictures of people I hadn't seen in fifteen, twenty years, and felt connected to them as they shared their lives. I am so thankful for Facebook-- in all its politically skewed, ad ridden glory.

I can't imagine what it was like to navigate through parenting before social media. I constantly crowd source for the best sleep tips or sippy cup choices. A hundred times this year I have read something someone shared and saw myself and my own struggles in their words. I have read articles about strengthening my marriage during this stressful season. There are a hundred thousand me toos out there reminding us we're not alone.

I began to lean heavily on social media each time I had a baby and was up all hours of the night. Sitting there in that rocking chair, I could scroll through my phone as the countless minutes spent nursing added up. Then those minutes on my phone carried from night to day, feeling too tired to read a book and not having enough time to watch a tv show, my phone provided entertainment, a break, a connection to the outside world during these intense newborn and toddler years.

For a long time, my kids never seemed to notice my phone. They knew that when I pointed it at them they were to smile and collectively shout, "CHEESE!" I didn't feel like my phone distracted me from loving my kids well. I made a point to put it away when my kids were talking to me, telling me their rambling stories I made eye contact with them instead of checking my e-mail. I only laid on the couch and gave it my full attention if they were napping or supposed to be resting. There are often days where I set my phone up on a shelf and don't look at it for hours. I frequently encourage myself to go from 9-5 without checking social media.

But this winter, my dependency on it has gotten worse as I am bored and seeking distraction. I have caught myself absently nodding as kids to me while I watched someone's Instagram Stories or check my likes from a post I published earlier that day.

And as my kids are growing, my oldest is six now, they are starting to call me out. "Mommy is always on her phone," I heard my daughter say last week. My oldest son made a paper smart phone this weekend and spent two days texting his friends and jokingly telling me, "Hold on a minute" when I asked them something. My toddler has a green lego he calls his phone and sleeps with it under his pillow "like mama does."

My husband has been challenging me for quite a while now. For most of our eight years of marriage he has had the most basic phone available; not interested in apps, texting or social media he saw no use for a smart phone. His choice is economical too-- every six months or so he loses it under some machinery and has dropped several into the river while working!

When his company upgraded their phone plan it actually became more expensive to get a flip phone so he got his first fancy device. He immediately became hooked on playing Yahtzee with his friends and it drove me crazy! I hated talking to someone who was looking at their phone. I hated how he filled every empty space in our lives with that dang black box instead of seeking connection with me. Suddenly I realized how HE had been feeling the last six years! I honestly didn't listen to him because I thought I was better than most people. I never looked at it in a restaurant and if he was talking to me, I'd set my phone down and fight to be present. But the problem was if we were in the same room or driving in the car and he wasn't talking to me, I felt justified picking it up and looking there for conversation. We are really struggling to invest in our marriage right now, more than ever we're failing to connect. I finally see things from his perspective and am ready for a change for our family.

My phone has been great to me, it has given me countless connections during a really lonely season. But right now, I need real life friends. Instead of entertainment, I need nourishment. I've noticed that instead of walking away from time on Social Media feeling encouraged, I actually feel more empty. And instead of engaging with strangers, I need to engage with my family. I have often had the thought, "I don't want my kids to look back on these years and picture me on my phone."

Honestly, I am nervous about taking a break from social media. I go to bed with my husband early every evening but as a night owl, I spend one to two hours on my phone before I'm ready to fall asleep. But I am hopeful because of the convictions I feel, I'll be able to stay disciplined to disconnecting for the next forty days. My faith doesn't require me to observe Lent, but I love removing things from my life and to hear more of God in the extra quiet. I listened to this wonderful podcast and am reading this book. My heart is stirred. It is time for a change. I'll still be blogging and sharing those post to Facebook but I won't be there to reply to comments.

Lastly, I hope nobody feels like I am judging others for their relationship to Social Media. I think there are times where it's great and times where it's harmful. Thanks for your support and understanding!

Cold Weather Favorites for Babies-Toddlers & A Few Mom Hacks

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 20:30:00 +0000

Wintering is an actual mom sport and there should be someone standing next to our salt crusted mini-vans handing out awards for getting our kids out the door!

I literally have to give my kids a pep talk everytime we go outside, saying things like, "I know you're going to cry and tell me how cold it is, but we can't change the weather. Please swallow your feelings, emotionally shut down, and resist kicking me while I stuff you and your puffy coat into your carseat."

Starting in December we began to be late getting to school and when I looked for the root of the issue, I realized it we spent 10 minutes every morning just looking for gloves! I tried to convince the children to keep their mittens in their backpacks/coat pockets, even have a dedicated "glove basket" by the back door, and we bought (and lost) those cute little clips that go on your coat.

Poor Emmy and Mack would argue like this every morning:

"Mack, you're in preschool! They won't even take you outside today because you're so little and it's so cold!"

"But Emmy, yesterday you got to wear the matching gloves and today it's my turn!"

"Mack, I really want to play with my friends at recess. Yesterday I had to stand up against the wall and watch all the kids play in the snow because Mom didn't even know she's supposed to pack me my snowpants and snowboots!"

"Well, if you let me wear the matching pair today I'll give you a whole dollar from my allowance, that's a hundred pennies!"

Here are a few things that really help us get out the door a bit easier during these troublesome times...

1. Multi-pack of gloves

I bought these after Mack's offer to pay his sister for matching gloves. Somehow we only have 3 left out of the 18 we started with, but when I clean out the minivan in Spring 2019 I will probably find a clump of Veggie Straws stuck to the missing ones! My mom told me that our next door neighbor growing up did this with socks-- she bought all of her kids the same white socks. I have started doing this with some from Old Navy, they are low-cut and all four of my kids now wear the same socks. They are toddler 2-3 years so they are a little big on the baby, perfect for the toddler, and just a little small for the big kids-- but nobody is complaining!

2. Lightweight coats

I have read the articles and felt the fear of putting my kids in coats that are too "puffy," not to mention mine hate being squeezed into their carseats with all that padding! Emmy and Mack have these great ones from the Gap, I bought them big last year with Gap Cash and they are on year two of wearing them.

For the little boys, who don't really play outside because mom is lame and keeps them quarantined, a fleece coat like these is easiest. I love these because they layer easily over their sweaters and sweatshirts and it doesn't feel too tight in their carseats! It gets REALLY cold in Iowa but this option seems warm enough when layered with hats, gloves, and warm clothes (aka usually in Archie's case: fleece pajamas)

Archie has gotten two years out of this Patagonia fleece, extra 15% off your first order from Backcountry.com

Charlie's little sweater jacket

3. Bear suit

Putting an infant in a coat, socks, shoes, hat, and gloves is the actual worst. Especially because this little man pulls everything off AS I am putting it on. Enter... the bear suit.

This fleece suit was less than $20 from Carters! I like it better than others I've seen because it is flexible enough for him to wear around the house and it has foot covers attached!

Bonus Feature: the static from the fleece picks up crumbs off my floor. He is like a little crawling Roomba!

4. Slip on boots

Okay so here is my thinking in buying these boots for my kids. They are more expensive, but they dual as rain and snow boots in one. They are cute and easy to clean. They don't flood like other brands I've tried. They also stay looking nice enough that I don't feel weird about sending them to church or functions in these shoes. My kids love them because they aren't clunky, are easy to put on, and they can run and play in them almost as easily as sneakers. By buying them a size big, we have gotten three years out of each pair-- per kid! The first year we wear thicker socks or boot inserts, next two years normal or no socks. You also will get some money back when you're done, I see older, worn pairs on ebay for $20.

These boots even fit over Archer's footie pajamas! This really is his outfit 90% of the time

What are your cold weather favorites for your kids? Any other tips on getting out the door easier in the mornings?

One project I'm working on is buying a chalkboard to hang in the kitchen with our morning routine written on it, with pictures for Mack so he can read it too. I'm so tired of yelling, "Emmy, go get your glasses! Mack find socks! Did you guys eat breakfast? Anybody have weird poop they want to tell me about? Have you brushed your teeth this week?" Here is an example I found on Pinterest, except mine would have other specific things like, "Wipe out gross goo from lunchbox" and "Find Mommy's Coffee Thermos!"

Link to this printable

Have Hope, New Mama

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Thu, 04 Jan 2018 21:01:00 +0000

My word for 2017 was "hope." I knew I was having a baby towards the end of last January, and knowing my bent towards discouragement the first few months of adjusting to a newborn, I wanted to have hope. I needed hope. Hope was like my lifeline.

When Emmy was born, a friend gave me the best perspective, "The first three months are the hardest, hang in there." I kept that in mind as I rocked my daughter all hours of the night, researched acid reflux, and called the doctor about weird colored poop. My friend was totally right. Every month thereafter, things got easier and easier as we adjusted to this new baby and parenthood.

Mike and I holding our daughter, Emmy

Then when she was around 6 months old, we found out we were pregnant with Mack. Because we wanted to have a big family, we thought this was totally normal, until we started telling people and they were all super surprised. Even the people with 5+ kids thought we were nuts!

A few months into my pregnancy, Mike got assigned to a new project and we moved. It was then I realllly needed hope. Never have I felt more discouraged than I did during that season of Motherhood. It felt like the dirty diapers, the messy counters, the toys strewn across the floor would never end. I started to believe: "This is it. Forever I will be picking up after these little people, feeling lonely and not like myself at all. This is the end of "Fun Ally," she is dead and all these kids killed her!" This is the season of my life where I googled, "Can a baby die from crying?" (Emmy) and then a few months later "can a baby die from not sleeping?" (Mack)

I even began to blame my husband, basically accusing him of kidnapping me and moving me somewhere I hated and impregnating me with these needy little people!

The only thing about me that didn't seem depleted was my dramatic nature.

Emmy meets Mack! photo credit: Katie Evans Photography

Now that we have four littles, I honestly have more hope about Motherhood than I ever have before. It's not that I'm so good at it. It still takes me two weeks to fold and put away a single load of laundry. Yesterday we planned to leave for the gym at 8 am, but somehow when I started the car, the clock read 9:30. We are ALMOST late to school every day. A lot of days at 2 pm it suddenly dawns on me that I will have to feed 6 people for dinner that night. And by the time I cook dinner and fill water glasses and get everyone the right color of fork, I usually hide and eat my dinner separately from my kids just because I need a few minutes alone!

Mack & Emmy trying not to drop Archie! photo credit: Abby Jane Galleries

So Super Mom, I am not. The change I've experienced in my approach to parenting comes from perspective. Now I know the secret-- all the hard things end. Sometimes they are replaced by different hard things. Like now instead of pulling everything out of the pantry, Archer can reach the fridge and "pour himself a glass of milk." And instead of chasing his brother around with a hairbrush, he can stab him in the back with a butter knife. But really, the little things that your toddlers start doing and you think to yourself, "What fresh hell is this?!" They eventually end.

The spitting up stops, then so do the tantrums, the night terrors, and the wetting the bed. You learn how to handle the crazy fits in the check-out line at Target. I told my sister that I always look like a sociopath, totally detached from my off-spring, chit-chatting with the cashier while a child arches his back and throws things out of the cart. Smile and nod, smile and nod. One day you realize you have been sitting for fifteen minutes, and nobody bit their sister or stubbed their toe for the thousandth time. You can suddenly go to the bathroom alone or take a shower without little eyes watching you and asking twenty questions about the female anatomy.

And the other great thing that you can have hope in, is that you will find yourself in Motherhood. I promise. It took me two years to reorient and emerge from the ashes of the newborn phase--and I think that is weird and abnormal, I am not a quick learner. I bet you'll be way faster!

There is so much that you lose when you have a baby. You lose your social life, your freedom, your hot bod, your personal space. For me, I felt for a long time like the best parts of me were gone, I can remember using the phrase to Mike often, "I am a shell of the woman I once was!" Again, so dramatic. But it really, really felt true.

Emmy adores brother Charlie Bennett, Mack & Archer could care less
photo credit: Haverlee Colyer

We all would agree when we first hold that new baby, the gains are insurmountable. No skinny jeans could ever feel as good as the feeling I get when I snuggle a little toddler wearing fleece onesie pajamas. There are a hundred things you lose when you have a baby but a million things you gain. Including a new version of you. She's not as glamorous, but she gets super amped when a new Disney movie shows up on the tv guide so she can record it for her kids. She might not have a perfect body, but she is killing that pot roast recipe. She doesn't have an organized house, but her kids know when they crawl into her lap there is endless space for them-- in her home and in her heart.

So if you are feeling like Motherhood isn't all you thought it would be, and you're discouraged and alone and feeling not like yourself, just hang in there until tomorrow. Find friends that will tell you this season isn't forever. Hang out with moms who have older kids who look at your kids and say, "aw, my kids used to do that too!" Replace that mean, negative voice in your head with an encouraging, nice one. Since it's just me and the kiddos most of the time, I am famous for walking around my house, picking up poopy diapers and scrubbing mashed sweet potato out of the hardwoods repeating to myself in a sing-songy voice, "this is fine! Everything is fine! You're doing a great job today, Mama!" And at the end of the day, there is freedom to tell your husband you hate it, cry on his shoulder, ask him to pray for you, then wake up the next day and find the good again. I promise you it's there.

Loving Lately {winter edition}

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 16:09:00 +0000

These are a few of my favorite things this time of the year, none of this is sponsored because I'm cool like that!

1. Advent Focus

I wanted to finish my Christmas shopping this year before December 1st so I would have the headspace to really enjoy Advent and focus on the "reason for the season." Some years I feel like Christmas flies by and I am stressed and never seem to get anything done. Christmas Eve I am still wrapping gifts in a bedroom while company is over and I'm just hungry and tired and want everyone to leave. I love being around our family and I love celebrating Jesus' birth and it is hard for me to enjoy those things when I am distracted and still busy finishing things up.

I am using this book this season as my devotional and am really loving it so far!

2. These earrings

A friend shared these the other day and I ordered right away and love them!

I am not a big jewelry person, definitely not into sparkly or heavy metals-- these leather feather earrings fit my light and fun requirements!

3. Monat Hair Care

So yes maybe you have seen a zillion things about this on Facebook, the hype is true! I was afraid to try Monat because I had a bad experience with Wen when that was popular. After trying tons of hair products I have been a committed Pureology user for years but after having kids my hair is worse than ever because they suck the life out of me!

This stuff really is wonderful. I have been washing and conditioning with it since September and have seen a. my hair grow, a lot b. my color stay a cool blonde even months after getting it highlighted and not turning brassy per usual c. my scalp gets so itchy, like I have frequent dreams about having lice and make Husband check for critters on the regular-- this has healed it! I have a bunch of wonderful friends that sell it so e-mail me if you're wanting to try and don't have a rep.

4. This foundation

I still love my Younique concealer but this foundation is beautiful! I like that it shows my imperfections still and I don't look airbrushed. It is so light and even moisturizing. I love how it applies and evens my skin tone. New favorite!

5. Christmas cards

Thank you to everyone who sends these out, it is for sure a labor of love! This year I so debated about doing it, so many expenses at Christmas from gifts, to decorations, plus all the pounds of butter so I can make myself cookies. But I really enjoy getting each card and hanging them up so I took the plunge and got a deal on some at Minted (they address them for me too!). This is how we display ours:

6. These bars for breakfast

If you are gluten-free or paleo and need a simple high protein breakfast, these are my new obsession! We buy them at Costco. They are basically just nuts and coconut oil. My only complaint is they are pretty high in fat so I eat half of one each day on the way to taking the kids to school!

7. Hand cream

Ugh the dryness has begun so has flu season and washing my hands a hundred times a day aggravates my skin! I can't sleep at night if my hands are dry, I just lay there feeling uncomfortable and start to get pissed at my hubby that we don't live somewhere warmer! This lotion has been my go-to ever since I stole it from my mom three years ago. It is also my favorite gift to give because it is a little expensive and people might not be apt to buy it for themselves on the reg!

8. Hot drink

It has taken me 15 years to find a latte I love. I'd rather drink pureed brussels sprouts than a pumpkin spice latte! I used to drink mocha lattes with half syrup because I don't love sugary sweet drinks but I think the chocolate upsets my stomach.
So this drink is perfect to me, and low on calories: an almond milk latte with one packet of raw sugar

9. Kids Clothes

Okay so I am going to tread lightly on this one but since I shop so much for my kiddos, I have started to consider where their clothes come from. Are they made in the US, are they made in a sweatshop, are they made with harsh dyes and chemicals? I am not perfect on this. I have always been a faithful devotee to my Gap credit card and their sales but don't love what I've read about their manufacturing.

Colored Organics makes their clothes in the US and up to 50% of their profits go to fund an orphanage in India. Not only is their platform beautiful but also their clothes are! I am just a big fan of buying simple cottons for my kids and their leggings, long sleeve shirts, dresses, and onesie pajamas hold up well with my rough and tumble bunch! We are hard on our clothes and things get washed A LOT, so far these are great.

Also they have good sales! And always 20% off your first order.

10. Sneaky Pete

I never want to try new shows, I get stuck in a rut because I never think anything will be as good as the last show we watched-- but once I get into something, I'm hooked. Mike convinced me to try this on Amazon Prime and even though I was a little lost the first or two episodes, it became our favorite. Such a smart show with great acting-- Now I'm so sad it's over, who else loved this?

Easy Chicken Parmesan Recipe

Why does parmesan always look like it's spelled wrong? Tell me if it is! My sister and I always talk about how this is our husbands' favorite dish which is ironic because we never ate it once growing up! But now we're both figuring out the best way to make chicky-chicky-parm-parm (anyone know this Parks and Recs reference?!) and I think I figured it out the other day:

1. Whisk two eggs in one bowl, and on a plate mix equal parts bread crumbs (we use the Schar gluten free ones) and powdered parmesean cheese. Add in your seasonings (I usually do some combo of Italian seasoning, garlic salt, and pepper)

2. I don't ever have time to pound my chicken breasts flat, who is doing this? What kind of little kitchen mallet are you using? The very thought cracks me up! I just filet each one in half to get two thin chicken breasts.

3. Take each chicken breast, and dip it in the BREADCRUMBS FIRST, then the egg, then THE BREADCRUMBS AGAIN (per sister, and she's right, its the best!)

4. Sauté in 2 tbs olive oil heated with 2 tbs butter, until each side is lightly browned

5. Put some marinara in your baking dish, then put in the chicken, next a little more marinara sauce on top of the chicken, and last cover your chicken with some cheese to your liking.

6. Bake until chicken is heated through at 375 degrees, it depends on how thin you filet it, I usually allow 15 minutes.

While chicken is baking, boil some pasta, drain it, and quickly add warmed marinara sauce to that as well. We serve this with my favorite roasted broccoli! (broccoli chopped, tossed with a combo of olive oil, fresh garlic, salt/pepper, and a teaspoon of lemon juice, then roasted for 15 minutes at 400 degrees )

Yum! Hope you're having a joyful and cozy start to your December.

Me too, Me too, Me too, Me too, Me too...

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Fri, 20 Oct 2017 16:29:00 +0000

The last year so much has happened in our world that I have struggled to engage with any of it outside of my own head and conversations with our husband. Sharing one's opinion on Social Media seems vulnerable to me, would anyone care what I say? Will I sound uneducated? Will I offend anyone that I know and love? X and Y both have different political opinions than me, what will they think when they read my post?

Yet I love when people share their opinions thoughtfully. How blessed am I that my Facebook newsfeed is often filled with interesting articles, words, opinions, and dialogue on all the topics I care most about. Most of the people I choose to follow are very passionate about what they believe, yet convey their opinions with much grace.

Because of what I've read and seen in my own life, my heart and my opinions have shifted dramatically the past several years. First there was the election and the feelings that certain politicians and their verbiage exposed. Then there was the selection of books I've gone through this past year. Now I am reading bloggers and listening to Podcasts by people that are teaching me things I thought I understood... but don't. I'm talking about heavy things like racism, privilege, and feminism.

Now with the Harvey Weinstein scandal breaking last week, a whole new set of emotions and passions and opinions have awakened in my heart and I can't help but speak up. Thankfully a growing platform has made it easy for me, a few simple words cover the tumultuous wave of feelings that I have: "me too."

One of Weinstein's victims said she didn't speak up for years because of the intense shame she felt, she stuffed the memories and feelings as deep down as she could, burying it and moving on as best she could. I remember telling a friend once that I did the same thing, calling it a little "drop-box" I kept in the back of my mind. I would take the negative, abusive experience, mentally put it in the box, and keep it as separate from my self as I possibly could.

That's all fine and dandy until you watch a movie that has a scene that triggers something, making your heart race and your stomach nauseous, or a feeling towards men in your life that you just can't quite name, or an obsession with a national news scandal that leaves you unsettled, shaken, and desperate for more victims to speak up come forward-- suddenly you realize that that lock on your mythical "drop-box" may be broken.

I am following this story with great hope-- the social current buzzing around my generation feels electric, and ready for a big change. Things for my daughter will be certainly be different than they were for me. The younger generation of men that we are raising up can be taught by their parents and friends how to treat a woman, not just by a reprimand to "be a good gentleman and hold open the door for her" but rather to be a good man and speak up, stand up, and defend the women around you.

I am thankful to have worked for and along side some very good men. Some of the best I could ever know. The value and worth they saw in me gave me so much courage and made me a more whole, strong woman. But I have also encountered many, many men who saw women in a way that breaks my heart. As a young impressionable woman looking for security in many of the wrong places, those men scared my heart in a way that I continue to feel pain from.

The best thing that ever happened to me was meeting and marrying my husband. Nothing has been more redeeming in my story, in my life than being loved by a good, kind, and honest man. When I hear all the "me too's," (and think of the hundreds and thousands of the ones unspoken, let's never forget, 1:4) I think, now what? Where will these women all go from here? I hope that many of them have found paths of healing. Mine came from a wonderful counselor (one in almost every state we've lived, I think it's like four or five-- so if you need a good one, ask me!) solid communities of women where people are actually vulnerable and share what's beneath our sometimes made up facades, books of course, and most of all finding ways to hope.

Things will be different, the boys living under my roof are being raised up to be strong men who know the value of every human on this Earth: whether those humans have different colored skin, different sexual orientations, different backgrounds, different cultures, and different gender.

Keep reading, keep talking, keep praying...

Helping Kids Become GREAT Sleepers: Tips & Trips from a Mediocre Mama!

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 15:50:00 +0000

It goes without saying that sleep is one of the cornerstone issues new parents face. When I meet other moms, it comes up within minutes of conversation because so much of our well-being depends on how our little ones sleep at night! Without sleep, it is hard to function much less find joy in raising babies. Thankfully we have coffee and friends to love on us and encourage us along the way. Most of my sleep philosophy comes from advice from other mamas, endless visits to the pediatrician, and experience raising my four babies!

I'll preface by saying that I believe sleep is like 95% uncontrollable. Some kids come into the world as great sleepers and others... not so much. So if you have a four-year-old who's still not sleeping through the night, you're probably screwed.

This advice stems from my experience controlling the "other 5%." I will say that all four of my children sleep between 12 and 14 hours a night, their ages are five, four, two, and 7 months. When my daughter was born, my husband worked out of town for most of her infancy and toddler years. My sanity depended on her sleep schedule and we had such a rough start!

Here are a few of the things I learned along the way...

1. Start Them Young

Experts say the first three months, there is little hope of putting a baby on a schedule. I follow the protocol of nursing/giving a bottle right at bedtime, in a dark room, then laying my baby down while they're still awake. This is so important from the very beginning so that your kids learn to fall asleep in their bed instead of your arms! This is like a 50/50 happening in at first because I love having my little ones snuggle me; but eventually my need for a break wins out and I lay them down awake, say some soothing words, then shut the door.

Baby Charlie's room, blackout curtain source

A doctor told me that once an infant sleeps through the night, they are able to do it again, without a middle of the night feeding. This was not my experience with Mack, but my other three started to go without middle of the night feedings somewhere between 8 and 12 weeks. They went through changes and growth spurts (I still follow "Lucie's List" to get e-mailed updates regarding Baby Charlie's expected milestones!) but I found letting them fall back asleep on their own through the night led to better sleep habits with each child.

While sleep training, I will let my babies cry for a few minutes. This is different for everyone! I do support some of the "cry it out" methodology. I will go in and soothe every so often, pick up my baby, calm them while standing next to the crib, then lay them back down and try again. During this time, I don't speak to them or turn on the lights. Before we start bedtime, I make sure they're full and have a dry diaper so I know that's not the source of crying. This can go on for quite a while when you first start! Honestly, I can remember doing it in 2 hour stretches at first, soothing every 10-15 minutes. Overtime they will recognize this is time to sleep and the crying may stop completely (it always did in my case!)

2. Stay on Schedule

When my oldest was a few months old, I read somewhere that babies at that age need between 12-14 hours of sleep a night. I realized since I woke her up at 7am so I could get to work, that meant she could go to sleep between 6 and 7 pm. I thought it couldn't hurt to try, began putting her to bed at 6pm, and it worked! This was a lifesaver for me as my husband wasn't home and parenting alone all day left me exhausted and in need of some alone time. I also worked from home in the evenings and it gave me time to eat dinner, watch my favorite show, and get some work done! Now my daughter is 5 years old and in kindergarten. In the summers bedtime is way more laid back but we're getting back into our old routine. I put the little boys to bed by 6:30, and the big kids are in bed at 7.

I can see how this wouldn't work with people who work outside the home, have nightly sports/activites, and later dinner times. We still spend so much time at home that it is no problem for me to feed my kids around 5 pm, then do baths, books, and brush teeth!

3. Binky/Lovey

Two of my kids kept pacifiers and now I have two thumb-suckers. Each person also has their own "lovey" a small attachment blanket or stuffed animal I introduce around 9 months/a year. I love things that can help them recreate their sleep environment. We try to keep these just for bed time and as soon as my toddler sees his lovey, he instantly puts his thumb in his mouth and lays on the floor!

Archie and his beloved truck blanket

4. Sound Machine

Again with creating that environment, having a sound machine helps us set the stage that sleep is different from anything else we do. Mike thinks I have damaged our kids' hearing with these (because they all shout non stop!) so I am keeping the volume lower than I used to. When we travel these are always packed, and I keep a back-up around if one happens to break. I've crawled into sleeping kids rooms with a flashlight in my mouth to put batteries in these during thunderstorms-- just in case the power goes out!

5. Black Out Curtains

Everyone's room is as dark as possible. I have blackout curtains over every window and also several of them have brown pillow cases tacked up as well. Since it is still light out most of the time we go to bed, I have to trick them into thinking it's dark and also don't want my kids woken up by the sun in the mornings. We operate in a war-time mentality around here when it comes to bedtime, and their rooms are like little bunkers!

The boys' room, blackout curtains from Target, not pictured: old diaper boxes filled with various clothes and garbage, a clump of used bandaids I found when I made Mack's bed, and a stack of contraband toy weapons I found in the closet

6. Short Routine

Until my kids are two or three, I give them a kiss, lay them in bed, and walk away. I read a story to my older two, then pray over them and sometimes sing one song. I don't lay with them very long although I feel this is important and when my husband is home, I spend more time talking and hearing their little thoughts and stories. However he is still gone a lot and I have been with these sweet people all day and usually am ready for some me-time!

7. I Do Not Negotiate with Terrorists!

Nobody got out of bed the first few years but now I'm getting a lot of repeat offenders-- asking for cups of water, urgent cries for a bug bite remedy, complaints about growing pains. Most of the time I will simply send them back to bed. Sometimes the door from the lower-level opens and I will just shout, "No!" from the couch before even hearing their requests! This doesn't always work and sometimes it's easier to give in and quickly meet their demands and send them back to bed. I really try to nip anything in the bud as quickly as I can, and often offer bribes for staying in bed if it is becoming a habit (something simple like the promise of a glass of orange juice or a few chocolate chips with breakfast usually does the trick!)

8. Middle of the Night Shenanigans

You know how they say with adults, it takes you 21 days to make something into a habit? With kids, I think it's 1 time. My kids will wake up in the middle of the night to tell me something then BAM, we are having middle of the night conversations for 6 months! I am a heavy sleeper and can't be relied on in the middle of the night to help anybody. Thankfully I will hear the baby but the big kids are often left to fend for themselves.

Once when Mack was three, he came upstairs to tell me he wet the bed. I told him I'd come help him, but fell back asleep! The next morning during breakfast, I remembered what had happened and said, "Oh no! Mack what did you do, I'm so sorry I never came!" And he happily said, "That's okay Mom, I just changed my clothes, threw the yucky pull-up in the trash, and laid a blanket down where I peed and went back to sleep!" Three cheers for independent kiddos-- but I really did feel bad for not showing up!

9. Wake-up Rules

We have a strict rule that nobody wakes up before 7am. That is super hard to enforce with babies. I think some kids just need less sleep than others! However, when mine were little, I would put them back to sleep if they woke up early. Sometimes I knew they were hungry, so at 5 or 6 am I would give them a few ounces, change their diapers, and put them back to bed. Eventually it became a habit for them to sleep late and they skipped the early wake-up time. Mack used to go to bed at 7pm, then sleep until 9 or even 10 am! I have an early riser but I put her to work, having her help me make everyone's breakfast and do a few quick chores so there is less incentive to wake up early!

The room of my early riser, who makes her bed every morning, packs her own lunch, and lays out her outfit for the next day as soon as she gets home from school. Basically she acts like she's not related to me in every way-- and it is all kinds of awesome!

Disclaimers:

1. One of my kids woke up every two hours through the night, until he was ONE years old, and he also barely slept during the day unless I was holding him or he was in his jumper.

2. If people are sick or teething, every rule goes out the window and it is crazy-town.

3. None of my babies/toddlers are great nappers-- even the 7 month old barely takes two long naps a day and often goes with one short one, falling asleep in the car here and there between errands and school pick-ups. I think this is the price I pay for having great night sleepers. That break during the day may be more important to you, and then you should do what's best for your own family!

4. I have always loved the idea of having my kids sleep in bed with us but I just can't do it. I do not sleep at all when they're there and for some reason, neither do they. We just stare at each other all night until I get up enough energy to walk them back to bed. I love the idea of co-sleeping though and support it in every way!

5. If my kids don't go to bed by 7 or 8 pm, they are up until 9 or 10-- every time. I think there is a window and once it closes, they are ready to party... indefinitely!

I can't stress more that every family and kid are different. If you don't spend as much time with your kids during the day, I can see how you would want to stretch those evening hours. It is is amazing how well kids thrive when they are simply loved.

I would love to hear any tips you have, please share in the comments anything that works for your family that I may have missed!

She's Gone Forever! Sending Kids to School is hard

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Tue, 05 Sep 2017 15:38:00 +0000

A few years ago I had this great friend who really struggled sending her oldest son to school. Her younger daughter felt lonely and was having a hard time as well, and my friend ended up pulling her son out of school to homeschool him and that journey has been awesome for their family.

I remember thinking how crazy that all sounded to me, and I even questioned my friendship with this gal because I felt like I couldn't relate to someone who didn't need a break from their kids as badly as I did! I am pretty sure mine were both under two at this time and life felt super crazy.

Fast forward like a minute, and today I sent Mack to preschool and dropped Emmy off for her second week of kindergarten. It is weird and wonderful in all the ways.

If you haven't sent kids to school yet, hold your judgement! I always believed the social media pictures and sad mamas seemed a bit dramatic. I am not super sentimental-- whenever people tell me to enjoy the little years because they go by quickly, I smile back and cheerfully say, "Thank God!" I barely blinked twice over sending my oldest to preschool every day, grateful for someone else to step in and work with her on learning to read and creating crafts my little art lover could enjoy. I never thought I would be emotional sending my kids. I love the public school system where we live, thrived in it when I was a kid, and some of my best memories revolve around my friends and the amazing teachers that sharpened my character and mind all those years.

But honestly, watching Emmy walk away from my car and into her school each morning is the hardest part of my day. My heart sinks as I see her little backpack bob away through the crowd. My spirit has just been melancholy about the whole thing the past few weeks. That little girl has experienced so much transition with adding new siblings basically every year of her life and moving three times. These things have made her years at home seriously fly by. It is a wake up call to me as we make the most of our afternoons and weekend together, and I can see how much quicker the time is passing before her brothers go to school.

I wouldn't trade the wonderful experience she is getting to keep her with me, that isn't where God is calling us right now, and she enjoys school so much! Last weekend she told me she wished she was there instead of home, and it didn't hurt my feelings at all because I knew what she meant! I know not all of my kiddo's will love school like she does-- I can't imagine any of these boys sitting still all day and am already praying for Archer's future teachers.

Guess who shut himself in this locker shortly after this photo was taken?

The boys are going through a lot of change too-- they have lost their ring-leader! Emmy is the one always saying, "Okay, now you're all pirates, I'm the mermaid, let's run to the ship and shoot canons at each other!" Now they just wander around, staring at each other, and asking me for snacks.

So all you mama's having a hard time adjusting, sending your lovies off really is a big deal. It suddenly hit me that this is the first time I have to make peace with one of the biggest aspects of parenting: sending your babies off into the world and letting go. It is a real thing, and it is hard.

Don't be concerned, I only cried in my bed for two hours before this picture was taken. The only cure for my sorrow? Trying to fix her hair for the first day, ha! Good-bye fair maiden, and I wish your teach the best of luck!

Also the scheduling, paper pile-up, lunch packing, and drop off system is nooooo joke. I am exhausted! I am finally starting to feel normal again. I kept telling Hubby the first few days that I don't have the stamina for this, and if I knew how hard getting kids out the door for school was, I wouldn't have had so many!

Thankfully the missing "I" in this photo was found by the vacuum cleaner, not one of the babies

The Unseen Life

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 13:04:00 +0000

Someone I love recently shared they're reading a book called Unseen: The Gift of Being Hidden in a World that Loves to Be Noticed. She shared an excerpt of it via social media--the book title alone kind of rocks my world, and I've been thinking about it ever since.

Motherhood this summer has felt heavy, lonely, and hard. Thankfully I haven't felt the postpartum depression symptoms I felt after Archer was born and I can honestly say having four littles isn't as hard as I feared-- as long as a. Nobody is sick b. Everybody is fed c. There isn't anyone arguing d. We have something to keep us busy!

Mostly I still struggle with our location and my hubby's job. Location wise-- I feel like an extrovert trapped in the woods! As far as his job, Mike's hours have been craaaazy. I am used to being on my own with the kids sun up to sun down, Monday through Friday, but it is the loneliness and disconnect that really get to me. I also am starting to see how hard it is on him and the burden he bears being away from his kids, not seeing them during the week.

Neither are changing anytime soon and I am learning to embrace that. For me, this means no more Zillow searches on affordable beach towns, and not proposing a variety of career options to Mike the second he finishes dinner and sits down on the couch to relax.

My life is my life, is my life, is my life...

As in every season, I cannot imagine motherhood without clinging to my faith. All the self-sacrifice that raising kids can bring just requires something so much deeper than my own happiness and good attitude can muster up. Even a huge cup of coffee can't ignite in me a passion for finishing the mountain of laundry or dishes that seems to accumulate around this house every day around 11 am. The best conversation with the best friend cannot equip me to talk Emmy and Mack through yet another argument over squirt guns or lego towers. Listening to a podcast or reading an awesome book doesn't motivate me to get up from the couch to get the baby out of the crib that started crying the moment I finally sat down. Even a weekend away can't refresh my brain from the mental load of caring for little ones that instantly weighs on my mind each moment I'm in my home, loving these precious babes, keeping them safe, meeting their needs, protecting their hearts, shaping their character.

I cried really hard to Mike a few weeks ago. I had gone out after the kids went to bed to water the flowers and saw the prettiest sunset through the trees. It was my first time all day getting to really see the sky! I was already on edge and feeling melancholy-- earlier in the day, a friend had posted a picture on social media of himself with a big group of people eating at my favorite pizza place in Chicago. It wasn't the pizza that broke my heart, it was the memory of a big group of people sitting around the table, talking and laughing. It has been like literally years since I did that-- sat around the table with a big group of people I loved who really saw and knew me-- and I began to long for another life and another time. I am thankful for a husband that pursues and sees me and knows when I'm not doing well. He kept asking questions and of course I poured out all my feelings and absurd thoughts for him! I said things like-- "Why did I even go to college or grad school?! What was the point? Why did I even bother making friends if I was never going to see them again? What was the point of living for 27 years with an ACTUAL PERSONALITY if nobody cares about anything from me other than if I'm providing them with the proper snack that day? How can anyone thrive in life if they spend all day doing things they suck at, but then still feel guilty EVERY night that they didn't do enough!?"

I'm pretty sure at one point in my venting session I told him the old, fun me was dead and the kids killed her-- dramatic much?!

But I write all this to say that if you are living an "unseen life," I totally get it. There is no glamour, no pat on the back, no glory, not even anything to post about. The beauty is really behind the scenes-- it is hidden, happening in the hearts of my children and the rhythms of our home and I know I will someday look back and see the joyful family that each small, hard decision built. It is a little seed, planted beneath the surface in the dark dirt that may not bloom for years to come, perhaps not even in my lifetime, but it matters greatly to the One who makes all things grow, who makes all things new, who makes all things good.

God's word has seriously been my lifeline the last few months of parenting. There is such a pull to create a worldly life that ultimately will not matter. An internet life. A life of an empty shell- that is so pretty and perfectly crafted on the outside but inside is shallow and dull. Part of me believes that kind of life will make me happy! Maybe if I finally start to do something I love, I'll be happy! If we actually get time away for a vacation, I'll be happy! If I live near my family, I'll be happy! If I join this group or try this hobby, I'll be happy! If I had what she had-- I'd be happy! I feel the pull allllll the time. God's word grounds me back to reality, takes me back to what matters, what's lasting, and ultimately the only thing that can really satisfy my wild and searching heart.

These are a few verses that have encouraged me lately. I downloaded this great app a few months ago called "She Reads Truth." Some of the reading plans are free, some are $1.99. If you don't have any experience reading the Bible, maybe this is a great place to start. They pull a few different passages together on a topic, then you can scroll right to read a quick, relevant devotion on that topic. Another good book to start with is Jesus Calling. The days I spend time reading, praying, and journaling are seriously dramatically different than the ones I don't. They are for sure NOT easier, but I have something fueling me that actually lasts longer than the little boost I get when I scroll through Instagram first thing (even though I still do!) Yes, Archer still climbs the pantry, pulling out bags of rice and dumping pasta in his wake... Emmy still blasts her favorite song Taylor Swift's "22" on repeat... Mack never stops talking, offering me a running commentary on all his trains, trucks, and planes... and sweet Charlie is basically perfect so he doesn't do much to get on my nerves (yet!)... these little ones need a lot from me these days and I'm so, so thankful to have something other than "myself" to give.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

James 1:2-5

"Wonderful are your works! My soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written-- every one of them-- the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them"

Psalm 139:15-16

"Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up"

Galatians 6:9

"...my soul is downcast within me-- but this I call to mind, therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed. His compassions never fail-- they are new every morning."

Lamentations 3:22-23

Surviving Summer with a Newborn

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 20:34:00 +0000

4th time around, I have really learned to love and treasure the newborn stage. The first run left me confused, frazzled, and extremely exhausted. The second was mostly terrifying as I lived in this dark, dark mentality of: "This will never end. I will be picking up toys off the floor until I die. Nursing lasts forever and I'll never see the sun again." The third I definitely enjoyed more, having two "older" (um they were 2 and 3) kids and seeing how independent they can become gave me hope.

Now with Charlie, I really am soaking up these days and reminding myself often --basically every 5 minute-- that the hard things about having a newborn--weird sleep schedules, feeding drama--- (today our pediatrician told me he hadn't gained weight since his last appointment: cue the mama tears and driving to buy formula on the way home from the doctor), and just all the mental intensity of being someone's lifeline 24/7 all ends so, so quickly and you REALLY, TRULY do feel like "yourself" again, thank God...

Summers can be especially tricky with little babies as I find myself constantly walking the line back and forth between "Summer is amazing! Let's spend every day having popsicles by the pool and host backyard barbecues for the neighborhood and eat outside every night!" versus "I don't care how beautiful the weather is I am going to pretend like it's raining and spend all day watching movies with my kids and hiding under blankets because the AC is turned up too high and I am too lazy to get off the couch and adjust the thermostat."

I blame my fierce devotion to summer on my never-ending childhood nostalgia and there really is something so great about having kids to recreate those memories with. But because of a few things, most of them being "I, Me, and My-Runaway-Brain" I can start to feel the pressure mounting come the second or third week of June. Summers with a newborn are just a little trickier. This is your life, should you choose to accept it. And sometimes you gotta listen to that old lady at the CostCo check-out, buckle down, and remember "they grow up so fast, this isn't going to last forever (I promise!)"

Here are a few things that are helping me so far:

1. Set up a good outdoor space

Charlie has a nasty, hand-me-down bouncer that stays outside. I sometimes remember to put it under the porch before the end of the day. I also bring out his bumbo seat, a pile of baby toys, a pop-up-beach tent, the playmat, whatever feels right in the moment so I can spend 20 minutes moving him from place to place until he settles in and seems content. Then eventually I give up and take him in for a nap!

It is not fun to take babies to the pool. The cute swimsuits are super misleading. Don't give in to the pressure! If you're dying to put them in the swimsuit, do it in the front yard, snap a few pictures, and text them to your mom and best friend. Baby will not be impressed by the pool float you bought them and if they are young, they won't be able to even hold their head up so you will be pushing them around in their giant turtle, supporting their head, and then later you're going to have to peel all their bikini straps off their sweaty little bodies and it sucks. Trust me-- Emmy had 5 swimsuits her first summer and it took me a while to figure out that you bring your baby to the pool in a t-shirt onesie, splash their feet to cool them off, leave after 15 minutes so you don't even have to mess with the sunscreen, and call it good!

2. Early morning walks

It is sad but I am too out of shape to walk the hills in front of my house so I keep our double jogger in the trunk so we can drive to our neighbors' house. Even though I don't LOVE loading everyone and their gear in the hot car-- a change of scenery does us good! Mike works crazy hours this time of year so if we miss the early in the morning slot we go after dinner to kill time before bed.
Muslin blankets are my best friend to help protect him from the shade and we use those often to cover his carseat to block the sun (still applying an SPF just in case!)

3. Take the trip!

I love getting out of town with my people, I have super low expectations and even if it seems daunting, leaving the laundry and dishes behind for a few days are worth whatever drama your kid might bring to a weekend getaway. We recently drove to Colorado and to be honest, I thought it was going to suck, but it was awesome and felt so good to have a "win" under our belts during a stressful season of parenting. Getting a hotel room in a place that has suites is key (so you can keep the high maintenance sleepers on routine) and of course we set up a pack-and-play in the bathroom which is always our go-to (someone may have peed in the sink that night to avoid waking the baby so hey, count the cost).

4. Make the most of nap time

If it is above 60 degrees and the little boys are napping, 100% of the time you will find me sitting on a lawn chair in my driveway reading a book or magazine. Most of the time it doesn't last long, but I tell myself even the 5 minute break is refreshing enough. I like to save the cooking, cleaning, and laundry for around 5 pm when everyone is cranky and wanting to eat at the same time.

When Emmy was 1 and Mack was a newborn, we used to use his nap times to sit outside together in the kiddie pool or work in the little garden we planted. Taking a newborn outside felt too overwhelming back then and Mack was kind of a crotecty old man as a baby (my pediatrician often told me to leave him crying inside and go for a walk up and down our driveway just to get a break! The kid cried all day and never slept! Now he is the most easy-going person you'll meet so hang in there new mamas :)

5. Avoid Social Media (if necessary!)

Social media can be so wonderful when you have a new baby. I honestly dive in deep during the seasons I am nursing and feeling more isolated-- it is a fun way for me to connect and overshare pictures of my kiddos. But other days I will be walking around my house feeling crummy, snapping at people and if I am feeling reflective, I'll stop and wonder at what point in the day my attitude changed. Often I can trace it back to the Instastory I watched of another mama and her kids loving life at the pool (ironically I even posted one last week) or a husband and wife enjoying a mid-day lunch date (never gonna happen for me) and I'll start to take a trip down bitterness lane.

That is 100% my own insecurity and never a knock on the people posting, I am totally guilty of loving to share our family's high moments-- like a fab vacation versus our low moments-- like yesterday when Archer stuck his hand down the back of his dirty diaper and rubbed poop all over the house. Bless!

Some days I intentionally leave my phone out of reach for an entire day or decide to take a 9 am-5pm Facebook/Instagram fast. Others I am feeling a little more lonely and it is glued to my hip-- that is when you usually find a dozen 12 second videos of Archie eating potato chips.

I am constantly evaluating whether or not social media is good for my family and I and right now, I deem it good! I love the friendships I get to "keep up with" even if some of it is a little bit pretend-- I need all the connections I can get out here in no man's land! Also, I have found endless encouragement following some blogs and people who I look up to in this parenting journey (cue: @thegraygang among others...) and am always thankful for YOUR feedback and friendship as well!

6. Accept your Limitations

Okay so you and I both know your baby is not an inconvenience. They are a precious little life that really needs nurturing right now. Use this season to slow down, find a new family rhythm, and enjoy the change in pace. You can't make all your summer dreams come true, but maybe there is a project you have been wanting to work on that you can start. When Emmy was a baby, I used to paint all the rooms in our house during her nap time, ha! It was a project I had been wanting to get to and it was something mindless that I could stop and start depending on how much (or little) she slept each day. I also briefly took up refinishing furniture and then later starting a few different direct sales businesses to pass the time! Right now, I am using our nights at home to binge watch the Office, learn to cross stitch, and drink an occasional vodka lemonade. And honestly, often I am just too tired so I lounge around chugging coffee and moving things from room to room pretending to "deep clean" while this book lays on my counter, taunting me at every turn:

My kids are keeping me b-u-s-y this summer and not in all the fun ways. Let's start with Mack, probably my most easy-going kid. This week I had to give him an impromptu hair cut-- "I wanted to see if the gum would stick to my forehead!" and on the same day, discipline him for peeing on the outdoor toys "But Mom, you said I could pee outside." True, but not on your brother's Little Tikes car!

Then there's Archer, few words are needed to explain the limitless number of catastrophes in this 25 lb, 30 inch frame. Last week he pulled a new one on me, hadn't seen this yet-- I walked into the bathroom to find him emptying a box of tampons, and dipping them one by one into the toilet, and licking toilet water off them like they were popsicles. This is not the first time I was so hurried to give him a shower, I went in with him still wearing all my clothes-- but it was definitely the grossest!

And then the other day I cried after losing my temper at the big kids, of course it was the same morning we had gone over the verse: "Love is patient and kind" so glad I can give them an unending example of what NOT to do ("you're sinning a LOT today Mommy!" they cried from the backseat), and now they'll have 100 reasons to get therapy some day.

I hope your crazy is bringing you joy. And if not, let's all pause and reflect on one of our favorite parts of parenting-- the little baby butts. I die!

Summer-ing Simply

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Tue, 30 May 2017 20:53:00 +0000

This is always my favorite time of year!

For like, 5 minutes.

Then I realize I am the actual parent of real life little people and the seriousness of keeping them alive outdoors begins to sink in.Current fears: tics (lyme's disease) mosquitoes (ZIKA!), traffic (the youths are reckless in our neighborhood), wildlife (mountain lions, bobcats, coyotes, oh my!), sunscreen (found out last week Mack breaks out in hives from paba), allergies (we got tested a few weeks ago and are of course allergic to ALL the things), and don't even mention my anxiety about bringing these people to the pool---

BUT, I still really love summer, And I have learned a few things in my short, poorly managed parenting years thus far. Most of them center around avoiding the stomach flu and mastering the art of clean-walking (where everytime you walk through a room you pick up a hundred things off the floor as you go)-- But other lessons have come from over and under scheduled summers, so I can't wait to see which category this one falls into...

1. Make Home your Hot Spot
At the top of my list of "summering simply" is to leave the house as little as possible. I love to get out but not as much as I hate buckling tiny sweaty people into carseats and hearing their pleas to "blast the cold air, mama" before I can even shut the van door.

I know our years ahead may be filled with baseball games, swim team, block parties, camping trips but I am owning the fact that while I have infants and toddlers, I am forgoing a lot of social things to stick to nap schedules-- and also, because I am a little selfish and want to make sure I'm home to put everyone in bed at 6:30 pm so I can watch trashy reality shows at night.

We got a blow-up pool, a water table, the freezer is full of homemade popsicles (canned pineapple tidbits and orange juice), and at any given moment my front yard is littered with scooters and bikes.

These are the days...

2. Letting my Chores Sliiiiiiiide
I used to be the first one to have laundry pile up or walk away from a sink full of dirty dishes, but some awful shift has taken place in my heart and I REALLY dislike my house being a disaster. It's because the people are so chaotic I cannot emotionally and physically handle the STUFF being chaotic too. I have to get rid of one or the other and because of personal convictions about the sanctity of life, I choose to keep the clutter to a minimum.

It makes me sad because I sacrifice the peace of our home to snip at everyone to help me clean throughout the day. Yes, there is totally a balance and my kids have their own responsibilities but since having Charlie, I feel like all I do in between nursing sessions is manage the house. Last week I told Mike I couldn't even remember the last time I sat and played on the floor with the big kids or held Archie in my lap to read him a book.

I am going to start cleaning up only at the end of the day (thanks Joanna Gaines, love this book) and we will do more deep cleaning JUST on Friday mornings (this was always my old schedule because Mike worked out of town and we'd clean the house REAL quick before he came home for the weekends!) These months seem to fly by and I want to enjoy my people in this phase of life!

3. Sticking to a One Camp Limit
I can't wait to put my kids in ALL the camps someday (my mom holds the record of having me in SEVEN one summer and was known to sign us up for Bible Camp at various churches we didn't even attend) but for this summer, we are just doing one local VBS. I felt SO tempted by the flashy flyer from a big church in Omaha that offered cooking camp for Emmy, the brochure from the children's museum offering a Superhero camp for Mack, and even a toddlers and tots camp at the local Y. But when I realllllly think about it, we all feel a little stressed to be rushed out of the house in the morning and it is nice to have a break before we start the rigidity of getting to school on time in the fall.

4. No Company Allowed
I looooove hosting friends and family most of the year, but I like to have the house just with the kids and I for the slower summer months. Thankfully with nobody in school, we have the excuse to go visit lots of people we love and have a few trips on the calendar.

BUT IF YOU WANT TO COME VISIT ME, I will make an exception for you!

5. Having a Loose Schedule
Lately I have been trying to pay attention to how my kids operate (when they get hungry, what time they need rest, and how they recharge: one likes to be alone and another with people) and have formed a loose summer schedule. Here it is for other mama's who might be curious!

5:30 am- wake and walk (my neighbor has been walking the hills with me in the mornings and it is the bessssst. Mike is already gone for work then, bless his heart, so her husband comes over and stays with my kids, CAN YOU EVEN???)
6:30 am- Time with God, I am rereading my favorite book of all time, Mere Christianity, and doing a devotional
7 am- Fold laundry and watch Today Show
7:30/8 Big kids wake up, put on a disk on cd, read books, color while I make breakfast
9 am- Archie takes nap, big kids go outside
11 am- everyone outside OR this is when we run errands
2 pm- everyone nap (big kids watch movie) I blog, prep dinner, spend more time with the Laundry Monster
4pm- worst. time. of. day-- chug coffee, crafts/playdough, back outside, have big kids play in their rooms if people are getting freaky on me, go for a walk, visit our neighbors (who doesn't love a surprise drop-in from the lady with 4 kids while they're probably starting to make dinner?!), clean crafts/playdough out of the carpet, drink more coffee
5:30- pour out coffee, switch to wine, eat dinner
6:30- start getting ready for bed
7:30- kids to sleep

I can anticipate 100 ways this won't work, but it is already our natural rhythm most days so we'll see how we do with cutting out our morning tv shows. Thankfully my kids L-O-V-E to be outside so that will be wonderful for 2 weeks before it gets too hot and buggy :)

6. Asking for Help
It is hard to be home with your kids all day without separating for a bit while they go to school. Sometimes I think to myself, "Why did I have all these babies if I just spend part of the day hoping everybody leaves me alone!" Many friends are in a similar position as me, living far from family with spouses who work a lot so we have to get creative with recharging our personal batteries.

This summer I am having a sitter come twice a week, once so I can run a few errands alone and again so I can take the big kids to the pool without the babies!

7. Repeating a Mama-Mantra!
Throughout the day, there are several things I say aloud to myself over and over again. This is a side-affect from living in the woods alone. It is also the only way I can keep my thoughts straight most of the time while people are asking for snacks/begging for snacks/screaming for snacks/crying for snacks-- one is "Do not feel guilty, Do not feel guilty, Do not feel guilty" another is "Find Archer, Find Archer, Find Archer" (lest I get distracted and forget he's missing and find him minutes later surrounded by 1,000 q-tips) but my favorite is: "Your only job is to Love God, and Love these Kids"

I constantly need to let myself off the hook. Summertime is not my kids only chance EVER to have fun. It's okay if this one I need a pass because we have a newborn and they miss out on all the activities I see other mamas post on social media. The best part is, they have nothing to compare their lives to and are clueless about all the fun the other kids may be having!

For instance today, I let them eat lunch (frozen pizza) on the screened in porch without plates. I just left the pizza on the cardboard tray-- to which Mack yelled, "this is the Best! Day! Ever!" Then when Emmy asked me for Sprite and I said yes, she told me I was "fantastic" so these people have some seriously low expectations.

7. Fighting the PostPartum Blues
Thanks everyone who sent me messages after I shared a little on Instagram a few weeks ago about my struggle post Archer's birth and during my pregnancy with Charlie. I definitely didn't share it to get attention, and that's why I waited so long to say anything. I tend to be private about my own health and personal struggles but have heard too many moms say they feel isolated, depressed, anxious, and/or ashamed of their experience with the PostPartum blues. I have written literally 10 blog posts about this in the past year and maybe soon I will have the courage to publish one and share!

Thankfully a few of the things I have tried over the last year are really bringing me joy and relief. A few of those are: talking about it more often with my husband/a few close friends, taking Vitamin D (I swear by it!), doing things that are refreshing to my soul, seeing a Christian Counselor when I need to, and starting an exercise regimen.

Lots more to say but not enough time. It's almost the 4 o'clock hour in Summertime Land and that usually equals Major Suckfest at my house so I'm going to brew a third pot of coffee.

One Choice That Helped Me Love (ish) Motherhood

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Thu, 16 Mar 2017 16:18:00 +0000

A year ago I started doing something totally counterintuitive for me, making a choice that goes against every extrovert bone in my body— I started staying home.

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for four years now so that’s not what I mean, I am talking about actually being inside the house. Denying my pull toward playdates, children’s museums, zoos, quick service restaurants, and elaborate outdoor adventures we mostly stay home during the week.

I cannot convey how much this goes against how I am wired or would naturally spend my time if I didn't have kids! It is on my bucket list to live in a dorm again someday, or in some kind of Super Commune where everybody shares everything (like Sister Wives without the sex part). I told Michal last weekend that I would love to live in an apartment building if we could find one with 3-4 bedrooms and he looked at me like I was crazy. I would be a great target for any up and coming cults that are recruiting in the area and might have actually liked living in Communist Russia.

Honestly staying home almost every day came about not by choice but by circumstance (we live in a rural town far enough from things that going places is a whole process + now that we have 4 kids I don't have the patience to strap everybody into their carseats more than once a day, so how would we get home?!) and I have been surprised to find I love it. I never would’ve chosen this way to raise my kids but I can say it brings me so much more peace and joy in my motherhood than I had when we lived in a big suburb and I took my kids out every day.

But if you offered me a move to the suburbs or the big city I would pack my bags in a hot second!

During our busier season in Des Moines, I had two kids and felt like I could revolve our schedule around my plans since both weren’t in school and didn’t have any activities. So every day we ate where I wanted to, shopped for what I needed, and hung out with the friends that I loved. I am thankful for the deep friendships I formed but I can look back and see all the ways my kids were exhausted.

You see, I was giving all my energy to getting them out of the house, making it through our activities without them having a breakdown, rushing them back home in time for naps or dinner, and then I was so exhausted by our outing I wanted some “me time.” I gave the best part of my self to the outing and by the time we got home I didn’t have much left over for the kids.

Also, this:

Now that we go out so rarely, I can tell my kids are happiest the days we stay home (my daughter still goes to preschool so we get our booties out the door to run her down the road). My older two are extraverts like their mama, thankfully they have each other and pretty wild imaginations. They rotate between crafts, toys, running around outside, and reading. In the winter I let them watch tv on the days they don’t nap and first thing in the morning so I can stay in bed longer and so I don't have to talk to anybody before 9 am.

It wasn’t always this way either! I think all of us had to “learn” to stay home. In the beginning, we could barely make it a day. By 5 o’clock everyone started fighting, I literally felt trapped and suffocated by the walls of my home, and I was already planning at least three places we would go to the next day. Eventually we were able to stretch our days at home into two in a row, and now we are up to three!

Those first few months learning to stay home I honestly would walk from room to room with my cup of coffee bored out of my mind. ALSO, it was so much easier just to clean the house and then leave it for the day— or who I am kidding, we would trash the house in our hurry to get out the door, leaving diapers and spilled coffee in our wake but at least I didn’t have to look at the mess all day while we were at the zoo or the mall!

While we're home, I actually try to get a few chores done but don't compare yourself to me-- my housekeeping style is half-hearted at best. Each day I do the same things— rotating the laundry, unloading the dishes, picking up the living areas/kitchen, cooking our meals and some days I add in extras like vacuuming/dusting or cleaning the playroom. Does that sound exciting or what?! And that is just how I spend my “free” time when I don’t have to hold two babies at once and can strap one on my back!

I honestly get super lonely. That is one of the reasons I blog! My saving graces are music on Pandora, phone calls, my favorite podcast, and watching the opening monologues of Ellen or The Tonight Show. By the end of the day I will sometimes be so over all of it I will park myself on the couch and make that my parenting “command station,” yelling orders and staring at the clock until Mike gets home.

Exhibit A, a text to Mike last week-- he doesn't answer my phone calls unless they are preceded by a text that reads"S.O.S," which makes me confused because why wouldn't he want to know how many glasses of water Archer dumped on the floor or what I ate for lunch that day?

All of this has made our transition into having four babies relatively “peaceful” (I clearly have super lower standards for peace or a weird definition of it!) and very, very joyous. People often say, “I don’t know how you do it!” I think to myself, well I really don’t have to go anywhere and my kids aren’t in a lot of activities yet so instead of being stressful, this season is really sweet. The slow pace of life used to feel so monotonous but I think I have gotten used to it for now. I am no longer surprised by the fact that everything is the same, day after day… after day… after day. And I always remember that these years will be gone before I know it and I will be missing our simple schedule big time!

If you are an on-the-go-mama, please don’t feel guilty! I really think if I had the option available I would still be that way. But if you are considering trying to stay home more, I can say the benefits for us have been saving money, less temper tantrums, and a slower pace of life that has helped me enjoy my kids far more than I did a few years ago.

Don’t get me wrong— I cannot WAIT for the day that I shlep my yelling big kids around in a minivan, eat meals on the run, and sit next to other mamas at practices talking their ears off, but for now it’s me and these little people and all my coping mechanisms— best friends to call all day long, a stash of cupcakes in the freezer, and the coffee maker on constant drip.

*EDITORS NOTE** I almost didn't publish this. I wrote it two days ago. Yesterday was AWFUL. Everything went wrong! I had to add the "ish" to the title of this post!

These are just a few examples but I think there are seriously hundreds. Don't read if you don't have kids or are pregnant with your first:

Archer dumped 2 boxes of spaghetti on the floor, the thin kind that is impossible to sweep up so you have to pick each piece up with your hands

Emmy and Mack got into my essential oils and I found them vigorously washing eucalyptus off their hands and our whole lower level smells like an Altoid

Emmy cried for 30 minutes because Mack chucked a sippy cup down the hallway and it drilled her in the nose, Emmy cried for 30 minutes because she fell off the table, Emmy cried for 30 minutes because I disciplined her for the oil incident, Emmy cried for 30 minutes because SHE STABBED HERSELF IN THE EYE WITH A TOOTHBRUSH?

Archer spent the morning substituting talking with a super high pitched shriek, prompting me to say: "What fresh hell is this?!" the first time I heard it

Nobody napped (love you, Daylight Savings Time)

Charlie spit up so much on me it soaked through my underwear (of course this happened IMMEDIATELY after I FINALLY got dressed at 2 pm and FINALLY bathed him for the first time in 2 days)

By the time Mike got home at 8pm I silently handed him the baby and went to take a bath with a plate of chicken nuggets (it was the first thing I ate since breakfast)

I ran out of hot water because I did a dozen loads of the damned laundry

And lastly, as I got out my freezing cold skin started stinging and turning red... because I didn't know they had dumped the oils all over the bathtub too!

and worst of all-- we were all out of desserts/snacks SO I HAD NO WHERE TO TURN BUT GOD

Life Lately

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 22:57:00 +0000

Oh my gosh, they're all napping at once! I don't even know what to do with my hands! I am sitting on the couch wrapped in a blanket, shoving food into my mouth, chugging water, looking out the window at the beautiful day and typing--- all at the same time!

Real Time Photo

I probably have like 4 seconds before someone wakes up but I think about blogging all the time and want to get a few (hundred) words out reallll quick-- and this is also a great excuse for ignoring the MOUNTAIN, I say it again MOUNTAIN of laundry waiting to be folded.

This is like a weekend's worth of clothes

1. So far so good. Thanks for those of you who asked and if we aren't friends on the old FB, Charlie Bennett was born January 31st and is as fat and precious as I had dreamed.

I wrote a blog post about his birth that will be coming at ya in the next few days... months... years... who knows... Consistency is not my strongest virtue. Sponsorships, anyone?

He is still pretty sleepy so it hasn't been too crazy yet. I mean it is craaaaazy, but I know once he is more wakeful and stimulated it will be a lot harder. Maybe I'll be surprised and we'll breeze through trying to get him on a schedule/teaching him to sleep/figuring out nursing but I keep my mothering expectations low, low, low so probably not.

2. Archer has totally gone rogue on us. He is not as hateful to the baby/me as I feared (Low-Expectation-Ally really thought she wouldn't be able to breastfeed because the child is suffocatingly possessive of his mama!) But he has really gotten the hang of climbing on furniture and standing up for all to see and share his madness with him.

He is scaling the baby gates too, yesterday I was scarfing down some leftover something off of a kids plate, and heard him giggling from our loft-- the stairs are super treacherous so I keep it gated off. Aint nothing too big for Archie to climb!

Not exaggerating: Emmy ate organic eggs scrambled with spinach every day at this age. Archer helps himself to a box of Chicken Biscuits and we call it balanced breakfast

I can't help but laugh when he gets onto the kitchen table. We have a pretty large one so it is constantly 1/4 covered with food, 1/4 covered with crafts, 1/4 covered with random kids stuff that needs to find a home, 1/4 hairbrushes/whatever Archer ran from the bathroom with and I quickly confiscated. Having open concept living is SO overrated! Basically it is just way for ALL your mess to be in one place. I have such a love-hate relationship with it!

Another real time photo. Before kids I said I'd never be one of those moms that had random stuff laying all over her house. LOL

Anyways, Emmy and Mack can usually be found sitting here eating their thousandth snack of the day or drumming up some sort of creative ~~mess~~ genius. Archie has figured out how to shove his little body up on the bench, then climbs on the table. You really would think a gorilla has escaped from the zoo and dropped right into their laps-- that's how dramatic and unnecessary Emmy and Mack react! They start screaming "He's on the table, AHHH, MOM-- He's on the table!!" Desperately collecting their colored pencils/aquabeads/cookies. And Archer really does act like a monkey, he manically laughs and tries to gather as much stuff as he can before I run over with my boob out and Charlie tucked under my arm to take him down before the next instance happens... 5 minutes later...

The sweet child also dumped a bag of rice out on the kitchen floor last week. It was a 1 lb bag. It was full. I made the rookie mistake of taking a phone call, and turned to catch him mid-pour. It was too late for any intervention so I calmly carried on my conversation (I chose that free minute to book Mack's birthday party and couldn't hang up!) and sat in a chair to watch the chaos unfold. Emmy and Mack were delighted and started filling pots and skillets up with rice to throw around the house. It was basically like one big sensory table, finally turning into that Pinterest Mom over here, don't be jealous of all my skills! I will be finding rice smushed into all our baseboards until we move. Yesterday I vacuumed some up in Mack's room which is on the other side of the house.

That same night as the rice-tacular, he fell into the coffee table and needed 4 stitches so that was slightly terrifying. I kept my cool until after we got home from the hospital. Sometimes I feel so discouraged because it seems like we have years of the dangerous phase ahead of us!

Archer seems to have a gently masked aggression towards Baby Charlie, he'll approach him with a soft coo and starts to tickle his feet, next he playfully hits him, followed by some serious jabbing and then tries to violently shake his head.

I am considering buying a fence to put up around Charlie's swing

3. Parenting Emmy and Mack is more challenging, too. I feel like I ask a lot of them right now. They are constantly grabbing me things and picking up. Emmy is even on breakfast duty since I taught her to use the microwave, she gets up before anyone else so she makes oatmeal for her and her little brothers! I don't want to put too much pressure on her so I'll probably just teach her how to roast vegetables and fire up the grill before calling it good.

Kids only know what you show them right? So while other kids' definition of "normal" might be trips to the park, riding their bikes, playing tag with their friends, Emmy and Mack are well versed in the experience of watching mom use her breast pump, protecting their little brother as he learns to use the stairs, and playing "who can collect the most dirty diapers?"

The old married couple holding their little bundle of joy
Photo credit Haverlee Photography

It is hard to make them feel loved with all the attention going to Archer and Charlie (please note our major hospital error in that both little boys share almost 100% of the same letters in each of their names). I am asking God to fill in my parenting gaps, as He already so kindly does, My biggest thing for now is just putting down my phone while nursing, trying to look them in the eyes as they tell me their fantastical little kid stories, and telling them I love them every chance I get! Mike of course is a huge help too, Saturday morning I left them for a few hours and told him not to discipline anyone just to let them run wild and be kids-- which he is totes the king of doing anyways!

4. Errands, no thank you. I tried taking all four babes to Target by myself in a blizzard last week. Whoops. We didn't even make it out of the mini-van before Emmy and Mack announced they had to go to the bathroom. Strike 1 against me.

Strike 2 happened in the bathroom when I was ignoring Archers fussy cries and he got stuck in the infant seat (somehow he twisted his legs into the side) so he started shrieking, cue Charlie screaming. I made the mistake of telling Emmy and Mack (in that moment) that I wanted them to spend the money they had each brought on a craft instead of a toy.

So as we left the bathroom, I already hit Strike 3 as Mack started crying, "But Mommy, I REALLY WANTED A TOY!" So I pushed my cart full of hot mess past Customer Service with three crying children before we had even walked up and down a single aisle. Awesome. Mike called me while I was in the check-out line with 1/10 of my list, everybody staring at me, the babies crying, and the big kids loudly asking me how to pronounce all the names of the candy bars, and I answered, "Hello is this Jesus? Are you coming to help me?!"

Yikes. So that was the last time I've gone anywhere unnecessary with the littles! We did make our big debut at the pediatricians last week for Charlie's 1 month check-up which was also a bit of a ish-show once we found out it'd be a 90 minute wait, bless! But our favorite PA saved the day and took mercy on me, seeing us right away and hiding us in a patient room so I could nurse.

Not pictured: Charlie crying to be fed. Not smelled: Archie has a giant poop

Sooooo we are keeping the caffeine intake highhhhh and strong. I am so glad for social media where I can connect with all of you during an otherwise isolating season! Thanks for all your messages and comments, it spurs me on and reminds me that this is such a refreshing space for me and I am grateful for you all!

This is actually how I nurse 90% of the time

Love them!

Pregnancy Must Haves

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:26:00 +0000

I have honestly enjoyed this pregnancy so much! I am not feeling miserable and dying to go into labor like I was with the first three pregnancies, soaking up time with Archer and waiting for all this bad weather to pass us is keeping my mind off all the false labor signs my body throws at me.

Nothing more fun than living in a rural area during an ice storm and finding out you are in the "crippling zone" according to the Weather Channel. The other night I woke up every hour, praying that the interstate was still open as I timed contractions. The bonus feature is if we lose power, we also lose water because our well is electric-- so I kept bathing everyone and washing clothes in anticipation! Thankfully the worst has passed and we made it through unscathed.

Bring it on, ice storm!

If you look past the kids and out the window, you can see how much our street looks like an ice rink

I pulled out all my best Pinterest activities to keep everyone entertained

Anyways, fascinating weather tales aside-- here are four main reasons this has been my favorite pregnancy--

1. I am pretty sure it's my last, so I am trying to soak up even the harder moments like realizing my maternity pants are too tight or falling down in the aisles at Target when I get crazy leg contractions (has anyone else ever had these? I literally drop to the ground they are so intense!)

I actually told Mike to remind me to enjoy this season of life if I complain about not being able to walk, bend over, shave my legs, etc-- then quickly said he better not mention it if I'm cranky and hormonal so to choose his timing wisely. Oddly, he hasn't mentioned it... so that says a lot.

2. It has helped to be busy with the older three, I often forget that I'm pregnant until I walk past a mirror and think, "Oh dear God!"

3. This time I decided to deliver with a midwife instead of an OB-GYN. I could write a whole post on the differences and my personal experience with one compared to the other. I can honestly say I have felt far better this pregnancy and had more support than with the first three, and can attribute that to some of the suggestions my midwife group has made. But perhaps you have a great OB who is making those suggestions too! I am definitely not against OB practices, this was just the right choice for us this go around.

4. We haven't moved! It is amazing how much easier it is to be pregnant when you don't move at 32 or 36 weeks as we did with the last two. So much less stress!

Bump Pic at 36 weeks, I think it has doubled in size the last two weeks thanks to the bag of fun size Snickers Bars and chips I've eaten during our Ice Storm!

These are a few of the things I am loving that have made this a sweet pregnancy for me:

1. Blanqi Tank Top

One of my biggest complaints during pregnancy is Round Ligament pain. During my 2nd pregnancy, it felt unbearable as I was carrying around a one-year-old and I even left my job to become a stay-at-home mom earlier than planned because it got so bad. I finally caved and bought one of these tank tops a month ago and it is amazing!

They are expensive but I can say the support is worth every penny. I wear it a day or two in a row, then throw it in the wash and let it air dry. I know I will love it post-partum too because it is really long, has great chest-coverage and smooths everything out!

*I think it runs true to pre-pregnancy size and wore it in a small even though I typically buy tank tops in a medium because I shrink everything!*

2. Dr. Teal's Epson Salts

These are like my pregnancy life-line! By the end of the day I will feel so achy and tired, after soaking in these for 20 minutes (sometimes it's like an hour) I get out and feel like a new woman. As I've shared before, I am even known to get in the bath during the day while my kiddos wreak havoc around me just because it alleviates so many of my aches and pains.

3. Vitamins

I have never taken much beyond a prenatal and this time I am seeing some major differences and know that these are the real deal! Taking a combination of Vitamin D, Magnesium, and Iron in addition to my prenatal has helped me with postpartum/pregnancy depression, achy legs, and most importantly (to me!) insomnia. I had insomnia terribly with each pregnancy where I would lay awake for 3-4 hour stretches at night. I almost never wake up now, if I do it is just to go to the bathroom and that started two weeks ago versus other pregnancies I was getting up through the night from 20 weeks on.

This combo from Trader Joe's was a huge help during my morning sickness the first 15 weeks

4. Soma Cool Nights Pajamas

Since I am basically an old woman trapped in a thirty-something body, wearing these isn't much of a stretch-- my mom got me hooked on them (much to my hubby's disdain, but hello, comfort > sexy at this point in life). The patterns are a little dated but I LOVE how they feel. Even though we turn our thermostat down to a balmy 63 degrees at night, I still get hot. I like to stay pretty covered so I can jump up and quickly deal with the toddler issues that plague us through the night and these pajamas have been awesome. *Their bras are also my favorite nursing bra. Don't worry, I'll spare you the photo of me in my saucy digs-- the bump photo above made me reach my selfie-capacity for the month!

5. Ginger tea

This has helped me avoid a steady stream of TUMS in the evening hours when heartburn sets in and also helps curb my cravings for all the sweets I have started stockpiling around the house-- because, nursing = so hungry!

6. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth

If this is your first pregnancy, I'd love to share this book with you. It definitely has an emphasis on natural, drug-free childbirth but even if that's not your game plan, I LOVE the positive outlook on labor and delivery shared through dozens of birth stories.

So often our culture makes childbirth out to be an awful, traumatizing event with the woman screaming at her husband and begging everyone she sees for drugs! Although this may have been my experience at least once, I am so grateful for all the stories shared in this book about how beautiful and positive childbirth can be. Reading it before having our daughter prepared me for an amazing and dare I say, peaceful birth experience the first time around!

That's all she wrote for now, please share any of your pregnancy must have's as well so I can build a good list for all my favorite mamas-to-be! And lest you think that I am bragging and pregnancy is nothing but smooooooth sailing, let me share that I've been through the ringer with the following pregnancy symptoms that I did not have the previous 3:

- weird face rash (dermatologist said it's called parietal dermatitis and will *hopefully* go away post-partum)

- lots of new skin tags-- sick out!

- a 3 week go around with mastitis that led into thrush-- even though I'm not nursing yet! Just a fun precursor of what's to come

So I promise it's not easy breezy over here and we're all in the ups and downs of this season together!

What a Difference a Day Makes

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Tue, 10 Jan 2017 17:42:00 +0000

I woke up this morning, singing this little tune to myself, because oh my gosh, what a difference a day can make!

Bless the families who have had ongoing sickness this winter, I feel for ya. We stiff-armed the stomach flu for weeks, hiding away in our house in the woods, washing hands constantly, even asking family to stay in a hotel when they had gotten the bug right before visiting us. So extreme! But it attacked in the night, the sick stalker that it is-- and we fell like dominoes last week. Like the warrior woman I am, I held out the longest, eating each meal like it would be my last and got sick a few days ago. Nothing more fun then having the pukes nonstop for 12 hours with a 7-8 lb baby in your belly. Noooothing more fun.

So thanks to lots of Gatorade and like 1,000 mg of Zofran (but seriously, everyone MUST have this wonder drug on hand. It is mostly safe. Ask your doctor, don't listen to anything I say) yesterday was my first day back "on the job" and Hubby merrily went off to work at 6 am with his hot coffee and whatever drive-thru deliciousness he picked up for breakfast while I woke up to three little beggars who wanted to eat everything that we didn't have in the house and fought like wild animals throughout the day.

Here Archie, please dear God let this kleenex box entertain you while Mom lays on the couch.

Mom hack: set a box of Kleenex in front of your toddler, then later have the older kids put it all back in the box calling it a game named-- "Do This Or I Won't Give You Dinner"

Archer is at that get-into-everything find-all-the-dangerous-spots-and-climb-them-nonstop phase. His ambition throughout the day is to move this chair around to leverage his little body on top of chairs/tables or as a launching pad to get inside the kitchen drawers.

"Now I lounge, later I destroy..."

While I was trying to "rest" he brought me 2 pouches of taco marinade, an opened pouch of applesauce, an opened fruit cup (he bites through these with his savage little teeth), each piece of tupperware, and cleaning products from under the kitchen sink-- all within 90 seconds. Don't worry, the cleaning products prompted me to shoot up and bind all the cabinets shut with rubber bands.

I did manage a little rest in the bathtub for 45 minutes during his morning nap where I laid with my eyes shut surrounded by bubbles with my side-kick Mack sitting next to me throwing toys in the tub "just checking to see if they float, mom" and asking me non-stop questions about hockey and the female anatomy. Awesome.

And then nobody napped in the afternoon, because I wanted it too much-- and it seems like they only stay in their beds these days when their dad puts them down which he did for two straight weeks when he had his time off. "Back to the previous scheduled programming, Mom!" Their little cries for water and complaints that their rooms were simultaneously "too dark" and "too bright" kept me away from a cozy bed and the hope of 25 minutes of uninterrupted Netflix.

One of the highlights of my day came with a knock at the front door at 4 o'clock from my BFF the UPS man (funny story about that: he really is our friend because many days he is the only other adult I converse with so I chat him up non-stop until he starts backing away and I know my time is up. For Christmas we bought him this lovely container of Macadamia Nut Caramel Corn and it sat on our counter for a week before I could catch him at the door. The kids ADORE him and call him "their buddy" and will run outside in their skivvies to say hello and give him a high-five each day so they decorated a card and helped me wrap the popcorn. Well, a week is a loooong time for a pregnant woman to have fancy, unopened popcorn sitting on her countertop. So I gave in, ate half the container in one standing after a particularly bad morning, and swapped out the note and bow for a box of fancy cookies. That same afternoon, I heard the side door open and when I went to see which kid was escaping, I saw Emmy standing at the door with a package, waving good-bye to our beloved UPS man who was getting in his truck. With a container of half-eaten popcorn! I chased him down with his cookies and couldn't stop laughing about it when he told me that Emmy insisted that this popcorn was for him, even though he could clearly see it was almost gone!) Since the front of our house is windows and that means if there is a knock at the door, it is very hard to hide-- I had to answer wearing my post-sick outfit, which all the mamas know is a ridiculous assortment of stained sweats, no bra, and in my case, as I realized after I signed for the package and quickly bid him adieu, a dozen pieces of popcorn (it's a thing) all down the inside of my shirt.

Next came dinner time where I attempted a meatloaf and homemade rice pilaf-ish-dish and halfway through cooking I felt so tired and frustrated that I sat down at my computer and ordered an instapot (have you heard all the rage?!) and am hoping that it also comes with a person to cook the meals and clean my house. And cheer me up because I started to feel REAL bleak about this day.

So definitely by 6:00 pm, when I called hubby to see when he if he was almost home only to learn that it would be an hour or more, the tears started flowing. Gosh it is hard, people! I know I'm not the only one and maybe yesterday was your first Monday back to normalcy after Holiday break too. Or maybe your little one has started throwing tantrums and you fear this is your "new normal." Or maybe everyone is still acting spoiled or doesn't have a sleep schedule post Christmas crazies. Or maybe the New Year isn't looking any better than the last so you're freaking the freak out and trying to find some kind of hope to grasp on to.

To get through the rest of the evening, I rushed my little people to bed without baths, clinging to the promise of the Bachelor being on tv, abandoned the kitchen cleanup, and YET AGAIN laid on the couch only to look into the face of my adorable offspring 4, 5, 6, 7, at least 8 more times as they came to me with their complaints of belly aches (probably valid, the meatloaf looked a little iffy) a finger that "hurt from the inside," inability to regulate their body temperatures: "I'm too hot" (put on your summer jammies) "I'm too cold" (get a damn blanket), the fakest cough you've ever heard, and finally the breaking point was Mack telling me his knife wasn't sharp enough to fight the dragons that get into his room at night (um, where is this knife?)

Mack showing his concern for sick Mama

At this point, the hubby came home, tamed the children, cleaned the kitchen because he knew I was a woman on the edge-- and he really loves me, and we watched the super slutty episode of the Bachelor until he realized the National Championship game was on, jumped up, yelling at me that he had to watch two teams that he cares nothing about RIGHT AWAY.

As I fell asleep last night, googling "how to be a good mom," I vented all my fears to Mike about my inadequacies and impatience and loneliness and inability to do it all. I told him I felt so guilty because what was the point of having all these kids when all I wanted all day was to be left alone! And we're having another one! Any day now!

He reminded me that a. I had the stomach flu 24 hours ago, of course it was a bad day b. it would be better tomorrow c. I am a great mom d. Our kids are well loved e. God's grace will give me what I need, when I need it

SO if you don't have a Mike, I hope you have a GREAT friend/sister/mama who can talk you off the ledge of mom-guilt when the days are long and the minutes are FOREVER. And just to remind you...

It will be better tomorrow (and if it's worse, let's put our hope in next week)

You are a great Mom

Your kids are loved

God's grace will give you what you need, when you need it.

Exhibit A: This morning I woke up confused at 8 am wondering why nobody had came in my room yet asking me to look at their poop in the toilet or feed them jello for breakfast-- only to find three fed children, coffee brewed, and time for a quick shower before the interstate opened back up and Mike could go to work. Alleluia, God sent an ice storm! I feel like a new woman today even though I've got the same things as yesterday on my to-do list-- my to-do-list exclusively reads: "keep children alive", and nothing else, fyi. I am reminded that sometimes, you can't save the day. There is no fun activity for the kids, no vacation to plan (does anyone else obsess over this?!), nothing fun to order online (I mean you can try, but it doesn't always help-- let's see how much joy the instapot can bring us), no fancy popcorn to hide in a closet and eat, you are just stuck. And on the really bad days, sometimes the best thing is realizing at 10 pm you can go to bed and start it all over again tomorrow. Womp, womp...

As I've been ending my recent posts, here's another great memo to cling to, from a fav hymn:

"Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord God unto Me...

Strength for today, Bright Hope for tomorrow...

Blessings all mine, with 10,000 beside!"

Christmas Promises and New Year Fears...

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 15:38:00 +0000

Welp, thanks to my favorite letter board and some lingering (ahem, the whole tree) Christmas decorations, I'm still singing Christmas carols over here...

Every year all the Christmas hymns make me cry, cry, cry. This past December was the same yet a little different as I really am clinging to the promise that lays beneath these words:

For me, the past year has been an intense struggle. I really battled for my joy. Ending the year, I can look back and say that I chose well and won that battle but looking up ahead to 2017, there is a great deal of fear because in my little world the war isn't quite over.

As I have processed through my feelings and emotions the last few months, most of my fears hover and circle around bringing a newborn to our home this January. I don't think I have to defend my love for my children-- and postpartum depression is certainly by NO MEANS an absence of love.

I adore each of my littles and truly love being their mother. For me, along with that intense bond and love, there are some shadows that follow the joy of a new birth. Shadows that have been amplified by the isolation and loneliness where we live. Raising toddlers and babies can give mamas a "groundhog day affect" and the fear of another year, waking up each day to a rhythm I cannot find the beat to-- at times gives me great anxiety. A sense of being trapped and suffocated by the extraordinary needs yet ordinary moments that each day and each child lays before me.

Thankfully, and there will always be this transition for me-- in my words and in my thoughts-- THANKFULLY, there is a great hope that keeps me from being pinned down by all my fears.

It doesn't matter much that it's a new year, each morning, I choose hope. Yes, I am totally loving the cluttered down house, the fresh pages in my planner, and the quiet whispers that GOOD THINGS are on our horizons. But if it wasn't newly 2017 I would be fighting for hope anyways because that's what I am choosing to do.

Last month I listened to a podcast where Jo Saxton talked about digging in deep to prepare for harder seasons of life. I keep almost missing this. I definitely missed it in December where I clung to my kids' paper Christmas lists, ambitious holiday traditions, over the top meal plans, and an endless stream of beloved houseguests to lay before me a foundation of joy. False! They were temporary joys. In every way, the food, the lists, the packages, the people-- are all gone. The Christmas cookies are very much gone-- all 5 dozen... that I ate by myself... in less than a week. The packages we'll keep coming thanks to my love for Amazon Prime and ordering things at 2 am like when I realized on Monday that I am 36 weeks pregnant and have no newborn diapers in the house!

The lasting joy is always Christ and the promise of Christmas tells me that He comes, He stays, and best of all-- He makes all things new, even this tired mama's heart.

Digging in deep looks for me like getting up a few minutes before my kiddos (only to have us still be the last ones to arrive at preschool!), clinging to promises in Scripture, talking to dear friends who know and love me, asking my husband for help in the kindest ways I can muster, and embracing in the last few weeks of a very sweet pregnancy.

If 2017 looks like it may hold some hard seasons and transitions for you as well, trust that the one who calls you will speak tenderly to you there.

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."-Isaiah 43:19

"Therefore, look! I will now allure her. I will make her go out to the wilderness, and will speak to her heart." -Hosea 2:14

He is good, all the time.

"And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold! I am making all things new.' Also he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'-Revelation 21:5

How I'm Preparing for our Fourth Baby

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 17:32:00 +0000

Well at 8 months pregnant and with the holidays rushing upon us, I'm feeling like we're in the final stretch of baby cookin'.

With each pregnancy, I cannot wait to be full-term and hold that baby in my arms. I struggle with anxiety about the baby's health and feel out of control having him in the womb versus out in the world where I can hold him and see him breathe. I have no idea what's going on inside that belly of mine aside from the crazy gymnastic moves this little man likes to perform! I am trying to soak up these next weeks as I sense this is our last pregnancy, and am praying I will feel content in this season and not wish it away hoping for the next.

Since we're having our third boy, (that is still a shock to say) there is little prep involved (I think? My brain is fried!) Emmy and Mack are 14 months apart, this baby and Archie will be 15 months apart, so we always have had two cribs. So fun! He doesn't need any clothes or baby gear so there is no need to shop or gather items. I tweaked a few things in his nursery, moved furniture around yesterday, and got a set of blackout curtains instead of the 3 level system I currently have blocking out the light (brown pillow cases thumb tacked to the windows, with a shower curtain on top, and then a set of white curtains finishing it off! Room darkness is a HIGH priority around here lest my children realize it is actually DAYTIME while they nap).

Picking a name is the hardest thing on the docket-- being the foolish gal that I am, I was so CONVINCED this baby was a girl I promised my husband he could name it anything he wanted if it was a boy. Since I got sick only with Emmy during the 1st trimester, never with either Mack nor Archie, I felt sure during those first 15 weeks of intense nausea (I couldn't even eat which is a BIG deal for this hungry lady) we were expecting a girl. I was super surprised when the ultrasound tech told us otherwise, and may or may not have cried when Michal went through his roster of hockey player names when our appointment ended. We disagree on 99.9% of name options so it will be interesting to see what we decide on. I feel like I will forever hold the ultimate trump card because this sweet babe is actually coming out of my body-- and that is a legit deal!

I wrote a diddy last year when we were getting ready to have Archer-- looking back, my main priorities were having comfy clothes and meals lined up for when he arrived! But this time, there is just one thing I am really doing to prepare my heart and home to love and nurture this little baby -- and that is spending more intentional time with my people.

Emmy meeting Archer, last year. Mack, showing us that he could care less

I know there is a torrential downpour of "not right nows," "mommy needs to feed the baby," and "I'll do that for you laters" that are about to rain down on these kids. I know how snappy I can be with my husband when I am sleep deprived and worried about nursing. I know that my own sweet soul can struggle with the loneliness and isolation having a newborn can bring.

So I am hunkering down and focusing on what matters most right now. For me, that means closing the computer, walking away from my phone, cooking things from scratch (by this I mean following the steps on a box instead of microwaving something from the freezer!), reading my kids lots of books, and ignoring my inner "hustle." Even to sit and write this post (my version of soul-care!) I am ignoring a messy kitchen and two baskets of clean laundry but I know that it brings me joy to put my thoughts to print, so here I sit. I am trying to look my kids in the eye for as long and often as possible, and think for ways to love my husband well-- which during this season mostly looks just like cooking dinner and making sure he has clean socks! Such a romantic!

Some more "sibling love" photos to follow :)

Last night Archie slept like a newborn, it was wild. He has been sleeping 12-13 hour stretches since he was 10 months old (don't be jealous mamas, he barely naps!) but for some reason last night he was up for an hour three different times! Sidenote-- I try to not engage with my children after 7pm. This sounds harsh but since I solo parent most of the day, I feel like it's good for them and me to have some separation and boundaries. I totally get the co-sleeping and long bedtime routine, a lot of that is due to temperament and cannot be helped, it also blesses kids by giving them that extra security and bonding with mom and dad.

My kids might need counseling later, but I tell them all the time mommy is not coming into their room at night unless it's an emergency. A month ago Mack started coming into our room throughout the night to tell us various things like he was "too hot" or that his "sound machine wasn't loud enough." I reviewed our rules with him saying, "Mack you can only come in our room if you see fire, you throw up or wet the bed" and he quickly added: "Or if a big dog comes into my room!" Yes Mack, seeing as we do not have any pets, you should definitely come get us if that happens!

Another quick 'mom fail' to share with you-- a few weeks ago Mack came into my room. I was sleeping soundly as he told me he soaked through his pull-up and wet the bed. In my dreamlike state, I asked him if he could "just take care of it himself" and fell back asleep! As I woke the next morning, I remembered what happened and felt so bad that I didn't go check on him. I asked him if he was okay and what happened-- he told him he got himself changed, put a blanket down over the pee, threw out the pull-up, turned off his light, and went back to sleep! At least I am encouraging independence, right? Honestly, I really did feel guilty-- he's only three!

But back to my party last night with Archie, each time I went into his room to rescue him from his tears, I would pick him up and he'd quickly fall asleep on me. This rarely happens anymore, and just feeling the weight of his little body on my arms and shoulders was so good for my soul. As I rocked him through the night, I realized he wasn't teething or sick, he just wanted to be held (I also think he was scared of the new dresser I put in his room because he kept pointing to it and crying! I guess he isn't as into the midcentury furniture vibe as his mama). I shed many tears through the night thinking that this little boy is still a baby. He needs his mama and requires a lot of love through this stage. It is my daily prayer that he feels secure in our home, with his parents and siblings, and that our attachment can help him through this transition ahead. I sang him my favorite hymns and fought to hold on to the truth that God is arranging our family the best timing possible and that His goodness will provide everyone with what they need-- all in ways that my own parenting never can.

I have several dear friends expecting babies in the next few months and hope that this can encourage them too. Transitions are hard on kids, but watching each of mine welcome a sibling has canceled out all the stress, sleeplessness, and distractions new babies can bring. It amazes me the way they are so resilient and their love for their new brother or sister carries them through seasons where they might otherwise feel "second tier." I am definitely asking God and my friends for perspective on this as well, as we need all the advice we can get!

When ever I feel worried about my capacity as a young and clueless mama, I cling to this verse-- "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I" -Psalm 61:2 Nothing else brings me more freedom or relief, and I need to remember that as I try to distract myself with giving our kids a knock-out Christmas to compensate for how hard it is for me to get off the couch!

Spending Fast Recap: What it was like to do a year long fast!

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 19:57:00 +0000

It feels so funny to be writing about this now, but as new readers have found my blog I get lots of questions about it! Also I wasn't super great about documenting things along the way because Mack was teething that whole year, we moved, and Mike worked out of town at the time. So it is fun to reminisce and reflect on this significant season of life.

I am honestly so grateful that I did this fast. I had no clue but it was preparing me to live a different way, that now, two years later, I am called to live every day. I no longer have access to the stores and restaurants I did when we lived in the suburbs. I think I would've struggled with a lot more frustration and bitterness adjusting to more rural life but because of the fast, it helped me give up "hobby shopping" and learn to go without things I thought I needed. (Also, thank God for Amazon Prime!)

I started my fast on a whim, in January 2014. I decided to do it as we were opening Christmas gifts and announced it to my family, who all laughed at me. A few days later, friend looked at me and said, "Well, how exactly are you going to accomplish this?" To which I just shrugged and replied, "Not sure! Just one day at a time."

The first few months were the hardest as I learned to reorient my thoughts and time. For instance, I didn't realize that while my kids napped, I often browsed social media, Pinterest, and online shopped. All three of these things fed my desire to accumulate more stuff. So pulling them out of my life was kind of like getting gum out of carpet.

Also I began to experience an edgy anxiety when I had a break from being at home with the kids and was given some alone time. I would head out of the house and instantly felt frustrated-- how was I supposed to feel refreshed and enjoy my "break" without getting a latte, wandering through stores, and treating myself to a little something to carry me through to my next "break?" I began using those hours to sit at a book shop in town, bringing my own hot tea or coffee in a travel mug (which had become my new sidekick in life) and getting my refreshment from books or being more in tuned with others. I also regenerated my love for being outside by taking more walks and driving to a park for an hour instead of the mall.

What was the hardest part? One of my biggest personal struggles during the spending fast sounds so silly now-- but it was joining a fancy gym! A Lifetime fitness went up in Des Moines and we joined as a family. The first few weeks I felt ridiculous-- during my last pregnancy, I had gotten frustrated by all my ill-fitting workout clothes and donated them all aside from a few things I wore to do household projects. Well once we joined the gym, I found myself wearing old sorority t-shirts and Soffe shorts with paint splattered across the bum while all the other moms looked super hot in their Lululemon spandex and neon colored Nikes! My sneakers were the same ones I had been wearing to mow the lawn. It was humbling and a great reminder that we don't need to buy the right items to fit in. I never really "fit in" at that gym but I sure did enjoy myself-- using the nursery so I could layout alone by the pool all summer long!

Did I ever cheat? Yes! One time. Mike and I were attending a wedding and I had that same old feeling of "gosh, I have nothing to wear!" So without skipping a beat, I got in the car, drove around the corner to T.J. Maxx, and bought myself the first cute black dress I saw. I wore it that night and did not feel guilty for one second. But the next day I really did start to feel like a cheater so I called my friend Katie to confess- she is so great she offered to buy the dress from me so it wasn't really breaking my fast!

Aside from that, I really did stick to my plan. One time I even drove backwards out of a Caribou drive-thru lane after remembering I was on a no-latte fast! It definitely helped to have accountability by announcing it on FB and keeping a little blog.

Did we save money? Not the first few months because I began buying more kids clothes and spending more on groceries to fill that void I felt. I also started buying more extravagant gifts for people getting married or having babies. When I realized what I was doing, I reeled that in and went back to the old budget. We did end up saving quite a bit of money by me doing the fast. Also during the fall, I started a direct sales business where I made a decent income and instead of blowing that on miscellaneous things we didn't need, I saved it to buy all our Christmas gifts that year as well as pay our mortgage!

After about 6 months, being on a spending fast felt like a way of life. I stopped talking about it to my girlfriends all the time and would often forget it had once seemed like the biggest deal. I made the most of holidays and my birthday by asking for things I had felt like I "needed" like jeans that fit and new tennis shoes. By the time Christmas rolled around and the year was over I felt like I could go even longer. If you are considering doing one I highly encourage it and would love to answer any other questions you have!

Spending Fast Recap: Why I didn't spend money on myself for a year

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 15:53:00 +0000

Does anyone else struggle with greed this time of year? I sure do. For me it comes in sneakily. A few people start asking what my kids and I would want for Christmas. At first, nothing comes to mind. That's silly- I'm a grown up! I have everything I need! Then I find myself a few hours later with 8 tabs open on my computer googling things like "modern women's sweatpants" and "athletic style ponchos" and know that I'm starting to spiral.

Add in my anticipation to have relatives come visit us this holiday season. Honey, please can we re-do the kitchen in the next four weeks? Where is everyone going to sleep? We should buy an extra bed for each room-- outfitted with holiday sheets and decorative pillows, of course! Our Christmas tree looks sad, I found a new on in the Target Christmas Catalog, maybe we'll try a new ornament theme this year!

It definitely applies to my kiddos too as I think about what I'd like to get them for Christmas. My parents really gave us some memorable Christmas mornings as kids, and I get caught up wanting the holidays to be special. I completely forget the meaning of Christmas and all the wonderful free things we can do to create memories-- and instead fixate on monogrammed chairs from Pottery Barn and American Doll accessories.

A few years ago, I got tired of myself. I really did. I started to notice my life revolved around STUFF. I constantly thought about the things I wanted to buy. I spent time shopping for them online, researching items, then running the errands to buy things. Add in the time spent maintaining what I bought (laundering it, organizing it, updating it, replacing it) and really it felt like my life revolved around accumulating, storing, and hoarding possessions. I looked at magazines, Pinterest, and Instagram all of which fueled my desires to update my home, update my wardrobe, update my "image."

That can all sound extreme-- but if you take away this whole system from your life like I did in 2014, you too might notice how much of your heart is tied up in things.

This little habit of mine also began to affect my marriage (here is a whole post I wrote on that) and that's when I knew things had to change. We went from a two income family to one and my spending hadn't changed much. Our monthly conversations about our finances and budget were getting more and more intense and I was running out of excuses as to why I couldn't stick to the parameters we set up. It dawned on me that nothing was worth adding stress to my hubby or taking away time from my kids. God began to expose me to how rich we truly were in comparison to the rest of the world and I no longer felt like the millions of people marginalized and suffering was something I could keep on ignoring while I begged my husband to make room in our budget for that sectional from West Elm.

Knowing myself and how undisciplined I can be, I knew the solution lay in making major changes.

I have been this way my WHOLE life and things weren't going to go away by a little redirection here and there. I needed a heart reorientation and inspiration came through a friend who did a year-long spending fast from clothing, decor, self-care (hair cuts/color, manicures, massages, etc), beauty products (buying something once EVERYTHING ELSE ran out and choosing only the cheapest option). I added into my fast refraining from drive-thru's because I'm addicted to a "quick-fix" if I'm having a bad day via the Starbucks or some Chick-fil-a french fries. I wanted to learn to stop using special snack to self-medicate when I had a crummy day or needing a pick-me-up. This totally isn't bad on occasion but thanks to two kids under two, I was wanting a little boost EVERY DAY!

So I did it! I am writing a little post each day this week to share more with you on how it went and how it reshaped my habits. I am hoping to challenge myself as I start to struggle AGAIN with spending. Recently my husband asked me what I thought we might need to get with his year-end-bonus and my list was LONG and SUPER CRAZY, thus revealing all these little desires I've been storing up in my heart!

Thank you to those who followed with me on my journey back in 2014, encouraging me and holding me accountable and thank you to my new friends and readers who help me destress from life through this little writing outlet, love to all!

You Can Go & Love Your Self: finding time for self-care

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Thu, 10 Nov 2016 22:19:00 +0000

Okay that reference in the title to a Justin Bieber song may be really inappropriate-- but to be honest I don't know what that song is really about or means so I am just going with it and playing the innocent/naive card.

I started writing a blog post about all my election feels, but I really don't know how to process through it without offending EVERYONE.

For me the hardest part about yesterday was not being able to hear what other people were thinking and going through themselves-- in their joy or despair. That can sound super dramatic but I truly think this is one of the biggest, most dramatic ~~bachelor finales~~ elections in our lifetime (I hope) and I hurt for my friends and family who are beyond disappointed and now feel fearful of the future because of the promises made during the campaign by the president elect-- and on the other side, I hurt for those who are called names for exercising their right to vote and choosing the candidate they felt aligned best with their beliefs, policies, and values.

I felt myself longing to work in an office and be able to chat with my coworkers as I take a coffee break and head back to my desk. I wanted to sit over a long lunch and hear what a girlfriend thought.

Instead I checked social media 1,000 times and chatted my husband's ear off when he got home at 8pm until the conversation ended with me crying and heading to bed early-- not because he said anything wrong or hurtful but because I felt fragile and the whole day reminded me of one of my the hardest parts of being a stay-at-home mom-- loneliness and isolation.

These are a few of the things I love to do throughout the day to help me get through hard times. This week that looks like getting less sleep, (because with Daylight Savings I still stay up late but my littles get up earlier!) having three sick kiddos-- two of whom I had to collect STOOL SAMPLES from for the doctor, awesome, and also I have struggled through this pregnancy with a little postpartum depression (love you, Archie) as well as pregnancy depression (love you too, mystery boy babe that will probably be named after some famous hockey player).

Anyways, I think sometimes people think when you have little kids and stay-at-home you are automatically struggling, overwhelmed, and miserable.

That is totally true.

No I am just kidding! I really hope that in my blog it is evident I love my kids and am SUPER grateful to be a mom. Sometimes when I look at our current "mommy culture" it makes me sad when the venting and blogged frustrations make kids seem like an inconvenience. Mine drive me b-a-n-a-n-a-s every other minute and then on the flip side, I spend the other half of the day oogling over them, kissing their necks, worrying about them, and thanking God for every moment we spend together.

I really do love to find solidarity with other women and have always found the best friendships and connections form when we're vulnerable with one other. And when your life is no longer your own, and instead your time, thoughts, money, conversation, etc, etc, etc, belongs to the tiny dictators in your home, you need to find some ways to take care of yourself, because unless you have figured out something that I haven't, ain't nobody gonna do that for you.

I don't have pictures to accompany this post but know you love them so I'm scattering some of our family photos from this fall throughout the post to break up the word-vomit!

1. Send your kids to clean up, set a timer and rest

My kids are not great at cleaning up their stuff, my mom who was a preschool teacher for many years, tells me that I need to sit beside them, model it before them, and then encourage them as they put things away. Because this sounds time consuming and awful, I mostly just yell, tell them what to do, then leave the room and yell again when I return 15 minutes later to an even bigger mess. But, those 15 minutes! They are so quiet! So honestly I don't really care. Once a week I sit with them in their rooms and playroom and do what mama suggested but mostly, I send them on "fake clean-ups" where they and I both know nothing is getting done but they are too afraid of me holding them accountable to bother me for a snack/butt wipe/sibling scuffle so I get a little piece and quiet.

This is when I take a shower or bath (when I'm pregnant scented epson salts are my BFF), sit and do my quiet time or Bible Study, stare off into space, watch the opening monologue of the Tonight Show on the DVR, or scroll through FB-- only to kick myself when I'm done for wasting precious alone time!

2. Get outside

We are ALL so much happier when we get out into sunshine and this is why I so openly hate Winter. I feel so loved by God to have this long, warm, beautiful fall. We get outside every day just to wander around and get fresh air.

3. Listen to music

Sometimes I go for days forgetting this, I'll be cooking and feeling so edgy and overwhelmed by the mess that's in the kitchen and the little ones pulling on my legs until I suddenly remember Pandora.

Lately I've been loving The Wailing Jenny's station, they are bluegrass/folksy and sound a lot like Alison Krause. I am a sucker for depressing music for some weird reason-- but as soon as I turn it on I soften, and feel more like myself again. My besties and I saw Parachute, Mat Kearney, and NeedtoBreathe when I was in Dallas a few weeks ago and I picked up some new fav songs from that and burned myself a good old-fashioned cd to jam out to in the car! (2 favorites if you were wondering are "Runaway" by Mat Kearney and "Lonely with You" by Parachute, even my kids love 'em!)

Another way to sneak in music or a podcast is by brewing a fresh pot of coffee, filling my to-go mug, and driving around with my kids to look at fall decorations in town. They love seeing all the pumpkins and the changing leaves-- it gives us a chance to get out of the house without spending money.

4. Cook or get carry-out

Some nights it seems like it would be relaxing to stand at the stove-top, cook a healthy meal, drink a glass of wine, and listen to music. Then I start and a few minutes in I want to throw it all out and microwave some nuggets -- as a one-year-old pulls on my pant leg, kombucha tastes like a sorry substitute for wine, I can't hear my music over the kids' whining, and the meal that I started out picturing my husband declare as "amazing" turns into "well, it's edible." A few nights ago I made my favorite baked salmon, risotto from scratch-- keep stirring, never stop stirring!--, and roasted broccoli-- afterwards I was so tired I left the kitchen a disaster and fell asleep on the couch!

But some nights the stars really do align and you can enjoy cooking if that's your thing, other nights give yourself a break and order in pizza-- which is our family tradition every Friday night!

5. Hire a babysitter

There is a chicka in our neighborhood who is a little young to wrangle all three kiddo's but is a lifesaver if I set out a project or send her outside with the big kids so I can run to the store with Archie or get some work done sequestered in my room. It can be refreshing for EVERYONE to have a boss around aside from Big Mama (as my husband affectionately taught Emmy and Mack to call me) and I love having someone else handle the creative experiments like finger-painting and play-dough.

6. Do a kid-swap

This was the best thing I ever did when I was pregnant with Archie and we lived in Des Moines. My friend Sarah and I scheduled two times a week where we would swap kids. She had four and I had two at the time and it was a life-saver for both of us. Since the days were consistent, I used that time-frame to schedule all my ob appointments and with the kids being at her house, I could clean, run errands, whatever! Then she dropped her brood off at my house for 4-5 hours and I loved it because it kept my kids entertained, and I used those afternoons to get my laundry folded and move around the house organizing things as it is hard to sit down with 6 kids running amuck!

We weren't super close friends when we started the swap (we decided to do it because we lived near each other) and I didn't know her kids very well, but I grew to love her and them and their family's friendship is one of the things we miss most about living in that area.

7. Squeeze in time for hobbies

I love to read and read a lot during different seasons of the year-- it mostly depends on whether or not I'm on a streak and have good suggestions (I am "off" right now so if you have any suggestions please share!) I get a lot of "how do you have time to read when your kids are little?" But we can all attest that we make time for things that are important to us. Cleaning and keeping up with laundry are low on my list! I don't watch any tv during the day I would rather read and I will sit in the corner with a book while the kids do lego's or send them off to a 45 minute shower while I squeeze in a few chapters.

Maybe you love to exercise or paint, you really can do these things but just be prepared to share in them with little ones pulling at your feet. Lots of time it's still worth it! As I write this post Archie keeps banging on the computer keys and screaming but I know finding time to write brings me happiness so even if it takes twice as long, whatever!

I wish I had other hobbies but I just don't. I exercised for one month and can honestly say I had so much more energy and it was awesome but I forget why I stopped going to the gym. Once a month we do yoga thanks to You-Tube and Archie has a killer downward dog.

I do love decorating so every now and then I'll pick an area of the house and re-do it or spruce it up a bit but all the errands that go with that, not to mention the $, get annoying so I spread those out every few months!

8. DON'T OVERCOMMIT

Okay nothing in life is fun if it is fit between a dozen different commitments. Even dinner with girlfriends can turn into a "task" if you are running around like crazy all week and longing instead for a night at home. I spent years doing ministry and literally NEVER had alone time or a day without meetings or intentional coffee dates. Even after Mike and I got married, I said "yes" to every thing that came my way and knew something was off when I repeatedly got asked to be apart of our church's "drama team" acting in plays-- it was not my strength at all! This season is a breath of fresh air in that I'm home every night, blissfully on the couch drinking tea wearing my comfies. It helps to live in a small town and have no friends so if you are super busy and don't know how to get out of it, go ahead and move!

If you are overcommitted, for real, QUIT SOMETHING, and read this great book! It is so not worth your joy or your family's peace of mind to spend your time doing things you don't love. I know the reality of having older kids is that you are MUCH busier running to sports and activities and know those days are in my future but for now, I am enjoying our 6:30 pm bed times!

9. Plan date nights

I waited for years for my husband to become the leading role in a romantic comedy and start whisking me off for surprise candle light dinners before I woke up and realized this is not the man I ACTUALLY married! If we are going to go on a date, I am going to set up a baby-sitter, make a restaurant reservation, and let him know our plans. At least this way we are getting some alone time together out of the house and maybe some day when he's working less I'll start to ask more of him in this department but right now he has a lot on his plate. We both come home connected and refreshed after date nights or date afternoons-- for instance this weekend our sitter is only free at 1 pm on Sunday so we're going shopping and out to an early dinner! We also don't mind being bold and asking our family to baby-sit when they come in town to visit us, we are just rude and assuming like that but it is a nice way to get some free childcare!

10. Find ways to "be you"

Gosh what makes you feel like you? It's not a luxury! For me several of the things listed above help, as well as going on a little getaway out of the house for a few days (another post on this to come!)

It takes time to find yourself again in the midst of the piles of laundry and our identities can get lost in the needs of our families. Every once and a while I'll realize how disconnected I am from living a life I love and reevaluate. Um surprise I don't love being a domestic goddess and changing diapers but these years are legit flying by and some day I'll make more space to find my calling or whatever.

I know that these years require a lot of sacrifice and I am thankful for the ways in which laying down my life and desires for my family has shaped my character. This article/blog post is my favorite OF ALL TIME and helps me a lot when I struggle because it reminds me of my "why" and all the ways God is seriously bringing all my crap to the surface as I learn to parent!

Yesterday was super hard. I woke up and had a chocolate muffin for breakfast and curled my hair. I put on a big comfy sweater that I was saving for the holidays and sat at my computer going through some old music while my kids watched a movie. Then I decluttered a few areas to make room for the Christmas decorations I am forcing Mike to get out this weekend. For dinner we had major comfort food-- chicken alfredo-- and I let myself eat as much Halloween candy as I felt like I needed to. I put lots of my favorite essential oils on my feet and wore the softest socks I could find. My kids and I read all our favorite books and snuggled. I called my best friend and didn't make myself do any chores. These are some practical examples of what self-care looks like in my privileged life but don't go and being jealous of my easy life-- remember, I did have to collect two poop samples yesterday. This afternoon while prepping dinner I spilled half a jar of ground pepper on a hot burning, it started smoking, and we have spent the last hour sneezing non-stop-- I think it's in my lungs! #notsupermom #reallife

I hope you are getting lots of love this week and giving out even more!

Fall Life Savers

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs. V) — Thu, 27 Oct 2016 19:02:00 +0000

Here are a few things that are keeping me afloat these days, I just wanted to share in case you were needing a little pick-me-up yourself! You are probably too busy prepping for Halloween to notice. I LOVE celebrating holidays with my kiddo's until they actually happen, then I feel like it's a slow death. For instance, today we are marching in a Halloween Parade and I'm pretty sure people are throwing candy and hot dogs at us? I die.

So if you are needing some encouragement because nobody will wear their designated Halloween mask, and you're currently hiding in a closet eating Reeses pumpkins, I can relate-- check out these for some refreshment.

Instagram Accounts--

Lately I've had two favorites that help me find joy.

@thegraygang beautifully documents her family along with notes detailing her experience as a mama. This gal has taught me so much about embracing the season of life I’m in. It has constantly been on my heart lately that I don’t want to just survive these years but instead find ways to thrive. That is impossible to do in every moment but Tiffany shares little reminders like how our personal happiness and mood do more for our kids than things like big outings or special gifts. That it is truly an honor to be our child’s “first love” and she has shared ways to connect with your kids on a one-on-one level even when you have a bigger family. I love her!

@shannanwrites had a book come out in September, I am making myself wrap up two others before I start it but I love what she has to say about finding purpose and beauty in the mundane. She lives in a small, Midwestern town similar to mine (except she has a coffee shop --so, jealous) and documents her daily life with posts like these:

Connected Families Ministry--

I left the kids and hubby at home a few weeks ago and attended a Parenting Seminar by a couple I've heard about for years-- Jim and Lynne Jackson. This was my first parenting seminar, I don't attend those on the reg. I also am not a big fan of reading a lot of parenting books because it is so boring to read about my life when I am busy LIVING it all day long. I would way rather read about things that are totally irrelevant to me like rich, dramatic housewives in Australia (Liane Moriety!)

BUT-- a friend told me that the Connect Families parenting approach changed their lives, and my fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-method is getting me nothing but dirty looks, sassy comments, and fruitless trips to the timeout chair. I can't even begin to tell you how reorienting this method is! It is super grace based but also teaches you how to illicit accountability and action from your littles without manipulating them. I literally tried to write down everything they said, only to find out at the end of the two hours that it was all on a DVD, hand-cramp was totally unnecessary. I also bought their DVD "Peaceful Mothering," um--is that an actual thing? Yes, please! It is gospel centered and both Jacksons have a background in psychology-- she as a behavioral therapist and him as a counselor to youth recovering from drug addiction.

Happy Hour Podcasts--

I Cant. Say. Enough. Good. Things. Never in my life have I subscribed to a podcast, walking around my house with my cell-phone talking at me seemed like extra needless noise. BUT, I have really been struggling with loneliness during this season of life and the Happy Hour makes me feel like I have these great (pretend) friends talking with me about the things that matter most in my life. Michal says he can tell the days he comes home from work and I've listened to it that afternoon. I am guessing this is one part that I'm happier afterwards and one part that I require less conversation from him!

Jamie Ivey is the host and she interviews a different "friend" each week, covering topics like parenting, adoption, marriage, friendships, finding your passion/calling, and at the end of each conversation she asks each person to share what they've been reading and loving so I am getting a ton of great ideas! It is faith centered but isn't too preachy. I feel like it is really relatable and the women that are on are so vulnerable and honest about hard things so there is never that glossy fake-ness that we can sometimes encounter in Christian circles!
If you're just starting out, a few of my favorites are:

Shay Shull- sharing about her journey of infertility and adoption
Bianca Juarez Olthoff- talking about her role in defending those caught up in human trafficking AND how she applies fake eyelashes while driving (my kind of woman)
Katherine Wolf- this amazing woman survived a stroke (that occurred while her two-year-old napped in the other room) and subsequent two-month-long coma and has amazing perspective on suffering that completely changed my outlook on many things I've been struggling with

You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll definitely thank me after listening to some of these women share their lives!

Vitamin D3--

The winter is coming, the winter is coming! Now that I'm all hippy dippy and have chosen to have a midwife this pregnancy, I am following her tips to be proactive against Postpartum Depression (which in my case seems to tag team my other best friend: Seasonal Affective Disorder) by loading up on the Vitamin D. I can already tell a big difference in my energy and mood-- especially since I have also given up my afternoon Diet Coke and can tell I don't really need the extra caffeine to get through the witching hour which is A SHOCKING turn of events.

Trader Joe's Chai Tea--

Buttttttt for all the days I DO need that extra boost around 3 pm, I am loving this treat.

Nature Boxes--

This was actually an assignment from my kids' preschool but it was a fun (and easy) project for us to do together. We walked around the neighborhood for a few weeks collecting leaves, sticks, dried flowers, walnuts, acorns, dead beetles, discarded trash, etc and filled a shopping bag.

Once Emmy announced she had enough, we got out old shoe boxes and decorated them (aka made a huge mess with glitter glue). It was a simple project and gave some more purpose to our daily walks!

Archie loves the fall leaves, too!

Halloween TV--

Does anyone else control their kids' holiday shows like a crazy cruise director? I WILL NOT let mine watch any Christmas shows until after Nov 1st! I have been pushing Curious George Spooky Halloween telling them they aren't allowed to watch it after Oct 31st and diligently search the tv guide for Halloween themed Disney shows to record. I actually spend my break time while my kids fake-nap looking for fun shows to record, it's a passion. Thank you Motherhood, for bringing me dumb crap to care about that I never thought twice on before!

Fall Festivals--

We of course, like every other flannel wearing pumpkin-spice drinking family in America, have made various trips to pumpkin patches this fall. I love clinging to these fleeting warm days, getting outside with my kiddos and spending $7 on a caramel apple.

Pumpkin Painting--

I am lame/lazy and have yet to carve a pumpkin in my adult life. Painting them is much easier and less dangerous! Last year I just got out our craft box and let the kids get crazy with the paint and glitter (our driveway is still stained) They loved it!

This is the extent of my fall decor-- mums that never get watered and a hay bale that will surely sit here through several snowfalls!

Neighborhood Party--

We are using this season as an excuse to invite our neighbors over. I'm making my favorite fall go to's mentioned in this blog post-- Sweet Corn Chili, Butternut Squash Soup, and "The Salad." We are doing a little scavenger hunt around the yard now the woods are less tick-invested and having the neighborhood kids assemble a candy haunted house I bought at Trader Joes-- because there will be a 9-year-old here to facilitate the operation. It is so easy to stay busy and just wave at these people in passing but we really want to be better at opening our home and getting to know the families God has surrounded us with.

What other fun fall things am I missing? Has anyone else started their Christmas shopping lists' yet? I casually gave Emmy a copy of the American Girl catalog to get her to stop asking me questions in the car-- HUGE mistake! Four just seems so young to me to start such an expensive hobby-- what say ye more experienced mamas?!