life in crazy.

Hold your breath and bite your tongue

2015-01-25T09:13:00.001-06:00

A Facebook friend told me as one of the few classmates with teenagers, I could be the test subject for those with littles. My assignment was to report back to prep those with littles on what a strange life it is living with small, on their way but not quite there adults. Here's what I can tell you so far.

Littles are extensions of you. It's hard to even pee without an audience. This doesn't necessarily change but sometimes you can close the door and just yell through it. Littles like to go where you go and do what you do, to the point you start to wonder if they're ever going to be independent or if, when they're 30, they're still going to be following you so closely that when you stop suddenly they're going to run into the back of you.

Teenagers are less of an extension. They're busy trying on parts of you while running as far and as fast as they can from anything that even hints that they're anything like you.

With teenagers, you spend a lot of time holding your breath and biting your tongue. The battles you pick aren't about eating their vegetables and bedtimes. Now it's clothing and music and friends...and real choices they'll have to make with real consequences and rewards. The kicker there is, your ability to make those choices for them is lessening quickly - so fast you don't even notice it happening.

You hold your breath for time with them and when you get it, you hold it a bit longer in hopes that they won't be scared (or bored) away. You will marathon a show they like because it's time with them. You will listen to countless stories about Tumblr and Twitter and school drama because it means that A) they're out of their rooms for the first time in two days and B) they're sharing a part of their life with you. You hold your breath when they walk through the door after school, hoping that they had a good day, and listen to a half hour of Jr. High drama and social tragedy, (and plug your ears until they realize they're not still on the bus).

You have to let go of what you thought you knew about their personalities because the same person rarely shows up twice. You learn to ask the questions that will get you yelled at one day, provoke an eye roll another, and earn you a real conversation the next day. You learn to ask questions that make you and them uncomfortable and to keep asking them until it becomes as commonplace and boring as asking them if they have homework - because you will get real answers.

These questions are important in figuring out how best not to start a fight (on some days). They're important to understanding their reactions and figuring out their developing personalities and for allowing honesty to come into play. For example, my teen's go-to responses to any of my suggestions (which she asks for) are arguments or sighs. I finally blurted out that she could stop asking me for advice if she didn't like what I suggested. I told her I felt like nothing I was trying to help her with was good enough for her because she always had some deathly reaction to what I said. She told me it wasn't the advice or anything I said that was frustrating her - it was that she just didn't know what to do. I wouldn't say our interactions have changed much. There's still sighing and arguments but I try not to take it personally. (I try)

Having teenagers means listening to big ideas and opinions that are usually one-sided and ill-informed (hello, Internet) but to them are always, always correct. It means trying to, if not show them the other side of the coin, then at least convincing them that the other side exists.

Having teenagers means letting go of some of your ideas and taking in some of theirs. It's okay to let their mouths run non-stop and unfiltered. It's even okay when disrespect creeps in...as long as you take issue later when calmer personalities are present. If you censor what they say when they say it - eventually they stop talking.

I've done a lot wrong in raising my kids and the mom guilt will stay with me for life. That's incurable. But I know I've done a few things right, too. Sometimes I'm lightheaded from holding my breath for so long, and I probably need stitches in my tongue, but I wouldn't change a thing about my teenagers. Well, not too many things....Maybe their rooms could be a little cleaner.

sentimental hoarder

2014-08-02T16:26:00.000-05:00

There is a stack this tall in my room. It starts with a piece of paper that says “I guess I'll start you on a piece of paper since I don't have any notebooks yet.” It’s dated February 2, 1988. I was 12. There have been countless notebooks, binders, scrap pieces of paper and so many mb of word files that I can’t keep up.

I’ve had the overwhelming feeling lately to pare down. I’m a sentimental hoarder by nature and it’s taken years to let go of letters, cards, and mementos. For example, I found a large piece of paper folded up and on the inside is a small music note in blue pen. Get it? Someone gave me a note. I don’t know why and don’t remember who, but I still have it because it’s cute. Why? At most, it’s over 20 years old. I threw it out last night. A letter my mom sent me basically, no, literally telling me to get my shit together when I was blowing my first and only semester at VCU…that went in the keep pile even though I was still embarrassed (20 years later!) to read it. Letters from my grandparents…keep pile. High school notes (what remained from the first

purge) were read, smiled at, and tossed. Notes from the first love, most pitched, some kept.

Which brings me to the forest in front of me. What do I do with this? It’s a mess. At one point I thought I’d type it up and have it neatly digitized. I got what could be considered halfway through at some point and either had two more kids or ran out of free time or both. Probably both. For a time I thought just writing on the computer would make things easier in the long run but in the dark ages before laptops and cell phones and tablets, that’s not convenient when you feel like writing “right now”. So paper it is.

And now I wonder why do I have this? It’s cute to read myself at 12. What a dork. It’s heartwarming to read high school and I find I’m yelling at that girl not to make some of the decisions she’s making, but of course I know how the story goes and she doesn’t yet.

And then I read an article in Reader's Digest and realized...

I'm doing this all wrong...

And the point of urgi care is...

2014-07-20T21:54:00.001-05:00

Up at 2am and unable to go back to sleep until exhaustion knocked me out at 5ish.

The joint pain was bad but the back pain felt like a 100lb weight on my spine.

Go to urgi care and....tell them my body hurts? So I did and "body aches" was listed as my complaint. Sounds flimsy enough to me.

Sat and waited waited waited. Flexed and curled my toes and fingers. Wished I could do the same to all my bones. Wished I'd shaved my legs. Stretched and unstretched my neck.

When I was finally seen, the doc listened to me complain about my bones and when he touched my shoulder blades and neck I could have punched him. Hard. In the head. He stopped examining and wrote me off as pulled muscle.

As most doctors do, he didn't want to touch anything possibly Crohn's related. I need to make an appt with my GP to test for rheumatoid arthritis. He didn't even check reflexes or anything.

So next time I think there might be anything Crohn's related I'll skip urgi care and go to the ER where I stand at least a chance at being seen by someone who has more to say than "there just isn't anything I can do".

Another Day in Paradise

2014-07-19T01:42:00.002-05:00

Today it took three alarms and a whole lot of willpower to get out of bed at close to 7:30am. At work I fumed over a little bit of hazing: I came home for lunch cranky.

For lunch I ate a turkey sandwich because dammit by 12:30 I'm hungry. That banana I ate at 8:30 only goes so far. For dessert I popped my 75mg of 6-MP (Mercaptopurine), three 2mg Loperamide (generic Imodium) and a .5mg Xanax (I don't really need to link that do I?). The effects, for me anyway, of popping all of those at one time is a quick wooshy feeling but not a total drugged feeling. (I seem to be able to produce that drugged feeling in unexpected waves all day long recently, medicated or not...more on that later).

I also called my doctor to see if they had any samples or anything of the 6-MP in the office that they might be willing to "donate" as my new insurance doesn't pick up until Sept. 1. The confused receptionist stated that she'd leave a message for the PA to call me back. I didn't get a call.

I called the pharmacy to see how much that 6-MP (for future reference, I refer to this as my cancer drug - not offensively, it's easier than 6-MP or trying to pronounce the actual name of the drug) would cost me minus insurance. Total = $56.92. My wonderful parents picked those up for me today. The pharmacist asked about my other meds. I told her I'd be okay on those until September. I hoard my Xanax and the anti-depressant...I'll get to that later.

I went back to work and went to the bathroom twice. I took another Imodium...I think just one. Sometimes the Imodium does run together but I try to limit myself to five a day. A salesman came in and as I'm sitting there listening to his blessedly short spiel, I felt that ah hell, gotta go feeling. Luckily he was speedy and I didn't have to cut him off to make a quick run (get it?)

After work I ate dinner. Too much, definitely and for sure nothing good for me. The last two Fridays have been like that - like I'm trying to cram in all the calories I denied myself during the week in my effort NOT to have to go to the bathroom all day. As a result, I've lost count of the number of Tums I've eaten tonight. Not because of heartburn but because there's this 100lb weight crushing my spine between my shoulder blades. I need to burp or fart or blow up - at this point, any or all of the three would be welcome.

I slammed a soda. Nothing. I pounded water, laid on my stomach, walked around, changed the laundry, anything to keep moving and hopefully shake, uh, something loose. Nada. A few burps but nothing grand and clearly nothing has eased the pressure. I never did master the art of making myself burp. Seems that maybe, just maybe the Imodium and Tums are having a little tug-of-war and the Imodium is winning.

That Wooshy Feeling and Anti-Depressants

I was taking Prozac, it wasn't doing anything for my depression. Doc put me on Lexapro. Wasn't doing anything for my depression. So I stopped taking it. I'm sorry there's just no way to make me happy about my situation. I'm depressed because of my situation, my lack of quality of life. Popping one.more.pill is just not going to make me warm and fuzzy or make me think that hey, you know this isn't so bad, really. Outside of my intestines ruling my life, I'm not depressed about anything.

About the wooshy feeling, I think I was a little dramatic earlier calling it a drugged feeling though sometimes that feels like what it is. I think it's a tasty side effect of my cancer drug. My depressed immune system combined with the stupid medications I take (including imodium) combined with the fatigue (dear Lord the fatigue) combined with the really bad nutritional makeup of my body combined with most definitely the lack of B12 and all the really nasty things that happen to your body when your vitamins are low and your food intake is ~~shitty~~ ~~crappy~~ bad. That's where the wooshy feeling comes from. That it comes in actual waves is weird. The feeling actually goes from one side of my body to another or from the back of my brain to the front or something. Something.

PS - here are the side effects to my cancer drug that bear a non-emergency call to the doctor: fatigue and diarrhea. Are you kidding me?

Year in Realizations...Abbreviated

2011-12-30T14:25:00.000-06:00

So as 2011 comes to a crappy close, I started thinking, "hey, you haven't blogged in over six months!" and then I thought, "well no better time to get back to it than the end of the year". And then I thought, "what the hell is my password?" And then I had to reset it. And after all of this thinking I decided that instead of my resolutions for 2012 that I won't stick to, I thought I'd post some of the things I've realized and hope to learn from in 2011. Here goes:

1. I am emotionally irrational 98% of the time while also being logically rational 98% of the time. I can't figure out why this never seems to work out for me, and I always have a headache.

2. Even with the best of intentions, it is impossible to read 4 books during the same weekend that your sister gets married. It's not going to happen so just take them back to the library before they end up late because they're still sitting in your car.

3. No matter how many times a day/week or month I wrap or unwrap blueprints with/from a rubber band at work - I still feel like a perv and it makes me laugh. Think about it. (Yes, I am a child.)

4. I have to do some mental math when someone asks me how old I am. I hate math.

5. I am stronger than I think I am. Sometimes. Sometimes I'm really not, but I fake it pretty well.

6. I am my own worst critic and saboteur. This isn't a new realization but one I think I should learn from.

7. Just because you really, really want to does not mean you should EVER go camping in July. Not in a tent. Or with a baby. Or without checking out the site first.

Related: Getting in a pool when the bottom is hidden by a layer of grime and other people's sweat is only okay when you're camping in July and it's seven thousand degrees outside. If you close your eyes real tight, you can almost imagine the water is cold, too.

Related: Ice in the clothes sure feels good when it happens, but it'll chafe. Promise.

Related: Glow necklaces (in addition to making some cool wall art) also make some pretty cool nighttime camping distractions.

Related: It is possible to break camp in 1/8 of the time it takes you to set it up.

8. You will find out who your friends are when you need them. I questioned this but now I know it for a fact. They're the ones who make sure you're okay and call bullshit when you lie about it. And occasionally it can be a surprise which friends come to your rescue.

9. Do not ask questions you don't want the answers to. Even if you're nosy like me. I mean it. This mostly applies to parents of teenagers. In this instance, it specifically applies to parents of teenagers. Some things, once heard, can never be unheard no matter how hard you try.

10. Always charge your phone. It will die at the worst time and you won't have access to a charger.

11. Your children (and your pets) will adjust faster when you relax.

12. You don't always have to point out others' grammar failures. It's tempting. Man, is it tempting. Let it go.

13. www.damnyouautocorrect.com will make your sad tears turn happy in one post.

14. Kidney stones are no joke.

15. But farts are still incredibly funny (I already pointed out I was a child.)

16. My parents will hold my hand forever, pick me up no matter how many times I fall down and give me everything they can. I'll always be their baby, but I'll always feel like I'm 12 despite pushing the other half of 30. (Maybe because I still find farts funny?)

17. Change is not a bad thing. Change is not a bad thing. Change is not a bad thing.

18. Repeating things sometimes makes them stick.

19. Squirrel attacks do not necessitate an ER visit.

20. I overuse commas and LOL. Mostly, LOL, but I do have a deep affection for the comma. Such a cute little punctuation mark. You can correct my comma usage but at least I know when/how to use their, they're, there and your, you're and can spell a lot correctly. I'll work on the commas, but I can't say the same for LOL.

So those are the lessons I'm taking from this year. Lessons and reminders, I guess I should clarify. It's been a long year. Actually it's only been a very long three months. I'm looking forward to 2012 (mostly, because this year my birthday will be 12-12-12 and it takes very, very little to humor me.) and all I can hope for is that I remember to relax, pay a little more attention to the logical part of my brain and learn to ignore the emotional part a smidge. I'll also work on the LOL thing, too.

Camping

2011-06-20T20:29:00.000-05:00

We're planning a camping trip. And it's been a long time since we've gone. I think the girls were two and a half? We went for a week for Tyler's birthday. A week. In July. In a tent. No wonder it's been so long since the last time.

So I'm digging through the mental rolodex, looking for things I need to remember to pack, do, forget, etc. And all I seem to be able to come up with are the things that went wrong...

Like getting a call the day we were supposed to leave that Ashleigh had shoved Alyssa into a chair, busting her head open and requiring 5 staples. "Keep it clean" said the doc. He was aware we were going camping?!

Like the campground we wanted in Annapolis, MO being full or tornado-ravaged or something and having to drive another zillion miles to Piedmont, MO. And having scarce reception to let anyone know that we weren't actually camping where we said we were going to be.

Like the campsite being literally infested with ants and realizing too late that Alyssa had quite a fear (to the point of refusing to come out of our friend's camper) of said ants.

And then there was the fish we thought Tyler had nabbed...only to find out it had been dead for who knows how long and he'd plucked it from the filth and put it on his hook so he could claim a catch.

And the scabbing diaper rash on the girls. The fan I accidentally dropped on the girls's heads as they slept peacefully in the sweltering tent while the rest of us tried desperately to pluck even a little breeze from the tiny overhead fan. The softball-sized spider that found its way into the tent.

There was also the loving old hound dog that found her way into our campground. Boy she was friendly and lovey...and covered in massive, engorged ticks. Blech. One of the kids stepped on a tick when it fell off and it looked like at least a pint of blood exploded from it.

And the psychotic geese that really, no - REALLY - wanted a nibble of the kids' poptarts.

And what camping trip is complete without a trip to the beach...and Ashleigh dumping an entire bucket of sand onto Alyssa's recently stapled skull. Oh and by the way, they were scared of the showers.

The camper freezer that couldn't keep up with the heat and defrosted all the food we had to last us the end of the week. We ran out of water so thought we'd boil some, and it wasn't until after we'd finally managed to get it to room temperature (in coolers that just couldn't keep up with the heat either.), that we realized we'd boiled it in the same pan we'd used to make popcorn the night before. Good luck trying to get THAT taste out of the water bottles.

And when I mention the heat, let me explain that by heat, I mean heat. It was over 100 degrees every.single.day. we were out there.

On the way home, we nearly ran out of gas and stopped in Farmington thinking we didn't even have enough money in the bank to make it home. By some good grace, we had a couple bucks, enough to coast the couple hours home but I'm fairly sure we were on fumes by the time we pulled into the driveway.

I can list off all these things and think of how miserable we were during that trip but really, all those things are what made the trip great and memorable - and why we still ask Alyssa to do the ant dance and why we'll never stop teasing Tyler about his first official catch.

Camping with little kids is an experience. Just ask the elderly campers in the site above ours. It was with great joy that the wife stopped me one morning and told me what a delight it was for her and her husband to watch my daughters playing around in the tent in the mornings while the rest of us tried to sleep. She also suggested Calamine lotion for that scabbing diaper rash.

It's definitely been a long time, and now that they're older I'm a little excited to see what they'll come up with to top ~~their~~ our last camping experience!

secret

2011-04-02T21:13:00.000-05:00

I know a man with a secret. (no, it's not the husband). It's such a wonderfully fantastic secret that it's driving me insane to be one of the only people "in the know". He doesn't like attention of any kind really so I can only assume that's the reason behind his secrecy but I'd really like him to somehow make his REALLY COOL secret known so that I can stop pestering total strangers with my pride and share it with people who actually know and appreciate just how awesome he really is.

Also, I find people who go through the carwash at 9:00 at night and then buff the whole thing as soon as they exit to be strange. Overactive imagination? Possibly, but if I read a story tomorrow in the paper about a blue minivan with a little old man driving that was involved in a hit and run in this area, I'm totally calling the cops.

And speaking of them....

While I am sooo happy to have been let off with a warning - it is after all only April SECOND!! - I have to say it is rather embarrassing getting pulled over only two houses into your own neighborhood. At night. When I can see the lights bouncing off of every house for two blocks.

And that's all I have. I just needed you to know that I know a man with a secret and I'm so proud of this man and I can't wait until I can tell more people that :)

why i'll never do anything but stay at work for lunch!

2011-03-11T06:23:00.000-06:00

Thursday's fun lunch activity involved a trip to the dentist for the kids' six-month cleaning. The appointment, at the dentist's office only 50 steps away from my own office's front door, was at 12:50. I left at 12:10 and picked up the girls. Then to the high school for the boy. Made it back to the dentist around 12:45.

I hate the dentist. I hate the smell of their offices, the uber-quiet of the waiting room (once my kids have left it, of course) and the [omg gigantic] pictures of people with freaky white teeth and big smiles. In this office there's a rather frightening picture of a little girl with her mouth wide open like she's screaming. Of course it's to show off her cute little chompers but seriously, I'm not sure that's the most relaxing image for kids already nervous about being there.

Speaking of nervous kids, I did mention that Ashleigh was there, right? And that as this was a new dentist for the kids, her nerves were on overdrive. "I hate meeting new people." "I don't want to be here." "I don't know what to expect." "I don't want to be here." Twisting her hands, pulling on her hat, shifting her eyes to the picture of the crazy-toothed screaming child.

The first person to point out the similarities between myself and my daughter gets banned from the blog.

Tyler disappeared first, followed by Ashleigh, leaving me alone in the waiting room with Alyssa, who cannot sit still to save her life. I'm pretty sure this was her first time being chosen last for anything and she was not dealing well with that. I tried reading magazines with her, looking at cupcake ideas for her upcoming birthday, looking at pictures of celebrities that she's aware of, talking about school, life, boys, teeth, clothes, shoes, birthday presents and pets.

That took all of five minutes.

Then she resorted to shuffling her feet and pacing the waiting room. She disappeared at some point to get xrays taken and then returned. She shuffled some more and talked to the receptionist about her birthday.

Tyler reappeared with two cavities and a prescription for sensitive toothpaste and the dental assistant happily told me he had no wisdom teeth. Lucky duck.

Three hours later (I exaggerate) Alyssa finally disappeared. Ashleigh reappeared with no cavities and a referral to the orthodontist.

The receptionist called me back to set up Tyler's cavity appointment and drain my bank account. $260.00!!! for this appointment. Having to shell out cash for a six-month cleaning is a first for me. I've never even taken my checkbook to the dentist for those appointments. Today was no exception, I told her I'd be back after I dropped off the kids at school.

Just as I was thinking they'd kidnapped Alyssa & sold her into slavery to pay for today's visit, she popped back up with no cavities, instructions to brush better and a referral to the orthodontist.

Did I mention that I accidentally scheduled this visit at the exact time all three of them were supposed to be at lunch? So we left - a truck full of hungry, crabby children and a broke, hungry mother with a raging headache. Ran home so Tyler could get his shoes for lacrosse practice and had the kids shove a sandwich down their throats...in the car on the short drive back to the elementary school. Ashleigh ran back to class with brown sugar still dusting her lips lol. (I'm not up for best mommy of the year award this year am I??) Dropped Ty off at the high school and went back to work with a little frozen meal that did not inspire fullness.

I think, if I've learned anything over the past couple of months, it's that I really, really should just sit at work for lunch. And I'll have time to consider this as I sit there today and Monday to make up for the dental appointment from hell.

why i'll never go home for lunch again...again

2011-03-03T21:20:00.000-06:00

I frequently cry at work that "this" is the last time I will ever go home for lunch. Reasons?

Mail - letters sent certified I realize too late I don't want to sign for, news from the high school that my son can't seem to make it to class on time.

Mess - coming home at lunch only points out to me what I didn't see when I was rushing to leave that morning or too tired to notice the night before. I spend lunch cleaning my house.

Forgetful moments - I forgot to pay the water bill. Okay, so it was a good thing that I came home that day as if I hadn't realized the water was off before the end of the day...well, it just wouldn't have been a happy homecoming.

But the thing(s) that make me most realize I'm better off staying at work or driving in circles or sitting in the parking lot, is/are my animals.

Yesterday, Macchi chose lunchtime to roll in the mud. So I carefully scrubbed him down trying not to get my khaki pants dirty. He ran up the stairs and I followed but he stopped short and I walked into the back of him. Understand, there is no passing him at the top of the stairs; he's bigger. As a result, a big brown sludge mark right across the thigh of my pants.

But today, today I might just mean it. I am not coming home for lunch again. Hopefully I've paid the water bill and cleaned up the house and the dogs, well, they better just cross their legs.

This is what greeted me when I opened the front door:

And I couldn't figure out how they managed to get the trashcan to the hallway. When I left this morning, said can was wedged behind two chairs. Then I went around the corner and looked at the kitchen:

You'll notice the curtain is hanging down and the can barrier chairs are pulled away from the corner.

Even stranger is that there is very little trash in the kitchen or the hallway. It all starts at the can and spreads towards the girls' rooms and the living room.

Furious. Just furious.

And this is why I'll never go home for lunch again...again...I mean it this time!

Finally Friday

2011-01-29T19:12:00.000-06:00

This morning, around midnight, the pain in my tooth woke me up it was so unbearable. I popped a trusty 800mg Ibuprofen and tried to sleep sitting up - this, after I paced the bedroom floor for 45 minutes willing my metabolism to shove that pill along faster. I got no relief. None. The alarm sounded at 5am as usual and I got up and got dressed, biting back screams of frustration over the ache in my jaw. Dropped Tyler off at driver's ed and came back home to get ready for work. It took a long time for me to decide on actually going to work. But as my dentist didn't open until 8am, I figured I should just go, get done what I could for the day and be done with it...be a grownup and all.

Alyssa forgot her book bag so after dropping the girls at my dad's, I went back home for the bag then dropped it off at school. I was able to reach my dentist's office around 7:30 and begged for the first available appointment. The receptionist informed me that a water main had broken and they were unable to see any patients. She told me to continue taking my ibuprofen and we'd set an appointment for 9am Monday morning. My heart sunk as I knew there was no way I was going to make it until Monday. I made another trip back home to pick up the Ibuprofen that I don't like taking when I have to be functional but knew I'd need it.

Got to work and decided to call the dentist who shares a parking lot with us. They said they could indeed see me as an emergency patient and could I be there at 10? Yes, yes I could. I tied up all the loose ends I could at work and got ready to go to a new dentist. I felt horrible asking for time off as I'm still pretty new but I just could not take this pain.

At 10 I walked into the office and immediately felt more relaxed than I had in any other dentist. Naturally my anxiety was sky-high about getting stabbed in the face with a few needles and then having a tooth yanked. I know my teeth are cruddy and it's embarrassing but they assured me I had no need to be and that they'd take care of me and they did. I'm seriously considering making this place my new permanent dentist. After I left the office with gauze stuffed in my face, I called work and said I would not be back since as soon as the numbness wore off I was going to be all sorts of sore.

Filled my scripts, hit the couch and that's pretty much where I stayed.

Then Tyler's Friday turned to crap.

He left the house to walk to a friend's house only a couple streets over and a couple of ignorant shits pulled up behind him, asked him if he wanted to buy weed and when he said no, they thought he had an attitude so punched him in the throat and then while he was on the ground started hitting him in the head. He actually knows the kid who hit him - they share first period at school. Tyler called the police and Todd met him at his friend's house. They then went to the police station and apparently the kid is well-known there and the cops were going to pick him up. They said they would talk to the school as well since it's not going to be good for anyone with them sharing a class. I'm in awe. Frustrated. Pissed.

I don't know what can be done about it. It's that kid's word against Tyler's and it's not likely that any of those brats are going to testify against their friend. Sure, the kid has a rap sheet and the cops know him, but I don't know what happens now or what could even happen. Todd signed the paper pressing charges and Tyler had pictures taken of his head but....I'd like to think that this kid will get his justice and all will be rosy in the world. But I'm not that naive.

I just don't get it. I don't understand what makes a kid, or any person for that matter, think that it's okay to just do what they want to whomever they want. What is wired so incorrectly in their brain that they don't know that it's wrong to attack another person?

I had more to say. I have more to say. But the pain pills are making it a little difficult to organize my thoughts. I'll have to revisit this topic later.

Barnes and Noble dot com can go stuff themselves

2011-01-10T21:21:00.000-06:00

I am not technologically challenged. While I don't pretend to know it all, I know a bit - enough to get by, to fix most things when they inevitably go wrong. I'm not afraid to push buttons, click here or there, tinker around because that's how I learn and I know most of what goes wrong is undoable, recoverable and basically, really, unbreakable when it comes to technology. (I'm not talking physically here).

I know how to navigate sites on the internets, search for and FIND (mostly) what I want on Google (and only Google because I love it.)

What I'm trying to impress upon you is that I'm not stupid. Not challenged or put off when it comes to most things technical and mostly computer-related.

(The Sprint website is an exception and if I remember, I'll get to that later.)

I am hereby boycotting Barnes and Noble dot com.

Why?

Because on December 31, I used my birthday B&N card and a couple leftover cards to order two books and a CD. My confirmation email came within the hour and said the CD would be shipped on January 4 and the books on January 21.

January 21? Almost a month? Seriously?

Okay, their slowness or back orderness or whatever it was didn't really bother me that much because I do have several books that I received for Christmas to keep me entertained. I'm not dying for new material. I wanted the CD more anyway.

January 4 came and went with no shipping email. I sent an email to Customer Service asking about the CD and the delay in sending the books. I immediately received an auto-response about how busy they were and that's all they could do about my situation. Uh huh.

On January 8 I came home from running errands to find my CD in the mailbox. Holding said CD, I checked my email. There was one from B&N telling me the CD would ship on January 8. Really though?

On January 9 I sat down to order 2 more CDs with my Christmas B&N card. Ordered, used a coupon and my cards and my total was $1.61 out-of-pocket. Got the screen that said my order'd been received and I should expect an email.

The email never came. A couple hours later still with no email, I went back to B&N and the items were still in my cart. I clicked Proceed to Checkout and it shot me straight through to the finalization page. No option to enter my gift cards.

WTH? I thought. They better not have charged my gift cards AND my debit card, I then thought.

I checked my card balances and they still maintain their original balance.

I quickly when to the cancel order page and followed the instructions to cancel. Nothing ever happened. I would cancel, they would tell me that the items were canceled and I should expect an email to confirm and whatnot.

I never got any stinking email.

I got on the phone and tried to reach customer service.

An hour on the phone only to be told that the office was now closed and regular hours were 8-11 EST.

I started calling at 7:56 Monday morning. A lady of unknown location answered the phone and told me she would put the cancel order through and if it worked (Hey, that's a confidence-builder) then I should keep an eye on my email. She said if it didn't work then I could always take the merchandise back to the store. You know, I don't have time - or more importantly the desire - to drive to B&N. (which isn't that far away, I'm just lazy and it's the principle of it all).

I checked my mail until lunch. No email.

I came home for lunch and spent the ENTIRE lunch hour on hold. A man of unknown location answered and said since the previous handler had put in a cancel request then he wasn't going to double the work but it should be canceled. In the event it wouldn't cancel, I could always take it back to the physical store or refuse it. Uh yeah because I can sit around the house all day and wait for the mailman to stop by. No.

He told me to keep an eye on my email.

These people obviously don't know me.

I got an email almost 10 minutes after I got back to work. It was from B&N.

Telling me CONGRATULATIONS! Your order has been processed and is ready to ship. It ships (get this) on January 10. Why, that's today.

I go to the website.

Now there's no way I can cancel. It tells me so, very clearly, on the page.

Now I'm just so mad I can't stand it. I'm not kidding, it was completely distracting for the rest of the day.

I'm mad for only one reason really. Well, several reasons. But mostly because I feel scammed. I do not find it coincidental that moments after being on the phone with a man who half-ass assures me that my order will be canceled it goes through in a rush. Especially when I first placed the order (Unsuccessfully obviously) the ship date was projected to be January 12.

I'm mad that I had to actually pay money for something I could have gotten for less than $2.00. Yes, I am. I'm mad because their customer service SUCKS chicken legs. I mean seriously, who trains these people? What kind of shit service are they running when you can't even cancel an order FIVE MINUTES or an hour, or two or three or four hours and thirty-eight minutes later? Or even the next day speaking to an actual human.

So since the money has already been debited from my account and I am furious about this (I would not have spent money on these items. I only ever buy books or music for myself when I have a gift card for it.) when my music arrives, I am printing out a coupon, marching into B&N, returning the items and turning right around and re-buying them for less than I got them for online. And then I am done with this stupid store.

I'll become a Borders patron instead.

ABCs of me.

2011-01-09T18:41:00.000-06:00

Sunday Stealing: The First 2011 Alphabet Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

A is for Age:
I am 35. I do actually forget how old I am sometimes... for example, in December I did think I was turning 36 not 35.

B is for Beer of choice:
Not really a beer drinker. Drank it in college because it was cheap but I've always been a liquor type of girl.

C is for Career:
There have been several jobs. No "career" so to speak. Currently liking my job enough to think it could become a career. At this point in my life I guess I should have one.

D is for favorite Drink:
non-alcoholic – Cherry Coke Zero
alcoholic – Margarita - or if at a hockey game and feeling particularly rich - Vodka & Cranberry

E is for Essential item you use everyday:
Really a toss up between laundry detergent (yes, every f****ing day) and a lighter.

F is for Favorite song at the moment:
Still topping my list (enough to buy the actual CD) is Kings & Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars. Comfortably Numb will always been Numero Uno, however.

G is for favorite Game:
Physically, to actually play....hmm...I don't know the last physical sport I participated in. Mentally - soduku.

H is for Home town:
Williamsburg, Virginia

I is for Instruments you play:
I play the (computer) keyboard - leaving this answer from the blog I stole this from.

J is for favorite Juice:
Pineapple

K is for Kids:
I have three…Tyler, Alyssa & Ashleigh.

L is for Last kiss:
From Ashleigh.

M is for marriage:
16 years this past December. What a ride it's been...

N is for full Name:
Really? Not happening.

O is for Overnight hospital stays:
Birth of son
Three days or so while trying to figure out Crohn's diagnosis
Roughly a month after first bowel resection
Birth of girls
Couple of days for a flare up
Week?? after second bowel resection.

i think that covers it.

P is for phobias:
Spiders. Aneurysms.

Q is for quote:
"Don't talk to me criminal...." Don't ask. Just don't.

R is for biggest Regret:
I always regret how much/what I eat for dinner...but not enough to carry the lesson over into the next meal.

S is for sports:
Really, you need to ask?

T is for time you wake up:
I’m up by 6 am every weekday.

U is for color of underwear:
pretty sure it's lime green, haven't checked it lately.

V is for Vegetable you love:
Broccoli (bad for me), tomatoes (bad), cucumbers (bad) green beans, corn (way bad)

W is for Worst Habit:
Smoking.

X is for X-rays you’ve had:
See previous list of overnight hospital stays, subtract births, add a broken arm at 9 and a nearly severed thumb at 20 or 21....I think that's probably it.

Y is for Yummy food you make:
That I personally make? Yeah, right.

Z is for zodiac sign:
Sagittarius

Ten on Tuesday

2010-11-16T18:30:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow marks the 2nd week of my back-to-life-in-the-real-world adventure. Ten things I've learned in those two weeks:

1. Alyssa has a stomachache. Every damn day.

2. Ashleigh is much more adaptable than I've ever given her credit for.

3. Apparently, I cannot park my truck at work without the rear-end hanging out over the line..wth?

4. Bedtime has gone from 1am to 9:30pm - if I'm lucky.

5. I never know what's for dinner (this is not necessarily something new, but now I actually feel stressed out about it).

6. My farm means a lot less to me than I thought LOL.

7. Using my lunch break at Walmart is a horrible, no-good, rotten idea. I will never do it again.

8. Just when I think I've got it, turns out I don't.

9. It is nearly 20 degrees colder in my office than it is outside. (and when I use a small heater, the fuse blows lol)

10. I really like what I am doing.

And side note - Melissa, sorry to ruin your mental picture, but there's no full pantyhose going on here. I am all about the pants and knee-highs LOL. As soon as the weather gets colder I'm switching to socks :)

update

2010-11-11T22:06:00.000-06:00

Is it weird that I feel like I have nothing to write about? There's been an awful lot of changes lately but when I sit down to write about them, I sort of feel like "who cares?" This isn't to say I'm miserable or anything - in fact, quite the opposite. I actually think I might, just maybe, be happy.

Having a real, outside the home, talk to adults job has been an adjustment sure, and not just for me - (and not just going from sweats and jeans to pants, hose and shoes that aren't fuzzy and don't have fluffy moons or stars on them.

I'm a little scatterbrained when it comes to the kids' stuff - things like that they all ran out of lunch money this week and I missed some paperwork they needed turned back in. Then again, all that was never really my strong suit lol.

Actually, I'd say outside of not being very organized about dinner and therefore never knowing what we're having for dinner any given night of the week - we're handling our new schedules pretty well. This is the first time in our 160 years of marriage that we've existed on the same work schedule.

Anyway, I just wanted to update a little bit. If not for you, then for me. Because I forget things when they're not written down :)

So to close - a picture and a song. The picture is Tyler today after the AFJROTC marched in the Veteran's Day Parade. The boy needs a haircut but I'm on this kick of forcing him to take some initiative and responsibility for himself. So he'll get his haircut when he comes to me and says okay, let's cut the hair (and not right before I'm going to bed. His laundry sat on the basement floor for two weeks. Two weeks! I guess he thought I'd get sick of stepping over it - silly boy, I just kept kicking it further into the corner.

And the song, yes, it's on the New Moon soundtrack (which I do not own, but would if I had a spare iTunes card *cough*). But the reason I am posting it is because it jumped clear into my head the other day for no reason whatsoever and hung out until I looked it up and listened to the whole thing. It's a good song and from my research of the artist, might be the only one from her I actually like lol. Well CRAP. The embed has been disabled for this song, but here's the link -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvMeOllo_Vo --

SO I'll post this song by 30 Seconds to Mars - another album I don't have but....

What I Read...

2010-11-06T20:33:00.000-05:00


Image From The Library Thing

I won this book in a giveaway on The Library Thing. I'm not obligated to give my review or thoughts on a book I've won but it is encouraged and I said I would so...here I am.

What it is
The Colleen Colgan Chronicles - Flowers From Cannibals is written by Richard Phelan.

What's Going On
Colleen Colgan is the teenage daughter of an American zookeeper living in Indonesia. She is often the target of schoolyard teasing because she is a bit of a loner, lacks some self confidence, oh and has half a chimpanzee brain. She meets a girl named Erin right before school starts and they become close friends. Erin, however, is from the future and needs Erin's help locating a rare flower in order to save the future of mankind.

The Good
The self-assured Erin (somewhat predictably) brings out the courage in Colleen and by the end of the book Collen is standing a little taller. The action scenes are well written and I found the end of the girls' hunt for the flower to be the most riveting. Unfortunately, this comes close to the end of the book. And of course, Fred, Colleen's pet ferret. Fred made me wish I had a ferret! I also really enjoyed the twist at the end that sort of tied all the events together.

The Bad
I wasn't aware that this would be an advanced-reader copy. As such, when I stumbled over the first typo I ignored it. By the second or third, it got harder to focus on the content. I understand ARC's are just that - advanced. But in my (humble) opinion, if you're going to publish a book, it should first be well-edited, if not well-proofread.   A typo two, okay, but several littered throughout and mixed with what I thought were glaring grammatical errors - it was distracting.

I felt as though there were just a lot of parts to the plot that were just not well rounded. It's mentioned that Colleen has half of a chimpanzee brain, and it's mentioned lightly why but I think if you're going to have a character with a monkey brain, you should probably expound on that a little more. It's my understanding this book is going to be part of a series and it's fine to string readers along in hopes of getting them to Book 2, but a chimpanzee brain is a major characteristic and I would have liked to have known more - now, not later.   (It is worth noting that the chimp brain comes in handy later).

I also felt like I was getting a lecture on global warming. I can get that in Newsweek. I don't read to get lectured. And as the mother of a teenager, I don't know many teenagers who talk that passionately about the subject either. It was an important part of the plot, but I didn't find it to be so important that I needed a science class lecture.

Overall
As this is an ARC, there's clearly room for improvement.   I think once the typos/grammar errors are fixed (and closely looked at because there were quite a number of words that spellcheck will not pick up on!) and if the author expands a little on the whys of her chimpanzee brain - the book will be a good read. It's quick and that's important. The characters are likeable, if not loveable (yay Fred!). I don't think my son would enjoy the book (he's 15 - and yes, he is a reader) but perhaps my daughters in a year or two (they're currently 9).

That's just my take.

Boo

2010-10-29T23:07:00.000-05:00

Been a blah kind of day. All day. Just blah. Figured since it was the weekend of Halloween, something scary might be on. But no. Just one more disappointment to add to the day. I am watching Jeepers Creepers 2 but really, not very scary. SO here's my top 10 picks of skin crawlers:

1. The Strangers

Scared the ever-loving tar right on out of me. Both times that I watched it. A trio of mask-wearing strangers inflicts SERIOUS psychological harm on an unsuspecting couple (AND ME!)...just because they were home!!?!? Usually, if a movie's really creeping me out, I make Todd sit beside me - even if he falls asleep. For this movie, I was practically on his lap the whole time. I left the lights on throughout the house the first time I saw this movie. For my second viewing, I watched most of it through a blanket, with the dog, and the doors locked...the windows too.

2. The Exorcist

Now, I've seen this movie several times and find large chunks of it rather dull. But you just don't watch the spider stair walk or Reagan's head spinning around (or *vomit* her improper use of a crucifix.) without feeling a little bit of omg with your hands over your eyes.

3. Rob Zombie's House of 1,000 Corpses

This movie actually made me nauseous. It scared the snot out of me, but I think it was largely due to the pure grossness of it all. This was one movie I would have been okay not watching.

4. The Descent

I didn't expect much from this movie. I didn't even make Todd sit next to me. By the end I was beside him and we both equally vowed not to ever, EVER, go cave diving lol.

5. The Blair Witch Project

Hard to Watch because of the camera angles and it was chilling, but they saved the best for last. When one of the film students has gone missing and they find him just standing with his back to the camera in that frrreaky basement. That gave/gives me nightmares. We frequently say our cats have gone "Blair Witch" when they fixate on something on the wall that we cannot see.

6. The Ring

This was the first Japanese remake I'd seen (before the Grudge and other movies using freaky little kids with jerky movements and freaky big eyes). It made me jump more than once, got my full attention (sometimes through my fingers) and one that made me kick Todd for falling asleep on me!

7. 30 Days of Night.

Love vampires as much as the next but these guys were just freaking nasty. Not (very) ashamed to say that I left the lights on all night and wouldn't go into the basement. And Todd took great pleasure in using his scary voice to tease me all night long. Bad husband!

8. A Clockwork Orange

I saw this first when I was a teenager. I never had the desire to see it again lol!

9. Cube

Freaky, gory, bloody and a puzzle. What more could you ask for?

10. Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street & Friday the 13th

For sentimental reasons, of course. They don't quite scare me anymore ;)

Blasts from the Past/Honorable Mentions:
Seven - "What's in the F***ing Box?"
Pet Sematary - Terrifying as a tweenager
Flowers in the Attic
Evil Dead I and II

Manic Monday

2010-10-25T22:35:00.000-05:00

It's been a day.

Really it started last night when the thunderstorms started...just as I'd fallen asleep. Then there was a girl standing beside me. And then another one. And the next time I got out of bed, I just about tripped over the Lab. By that point I was wide awake...and it was inching closer to 1am.

Got the girls off to school, came home and had no internet. Oh please, please don't take my internet. Sat here quite literally looking at the walls for an hour. Oh, sure, there were things I could have done, but I was mourning my email instead.

My dad and I had an appointment across town this morning. I'm not sure how it went. I didn't feel any better or any worse after leaving. We spent the next couple of hours running back and forth all over creation. I really enjoyed spending that much time with just him...it doesn't happen often. I wish the circumstances had been better so I would have really enjoyed the time.

One of our stops took us to a computer store and there were these two little old ladies dropping off their computers to be fixed. By little and old, I mean frail and well over 70. They made me laugh: "I can't believe how addicted I am to this computer. You think sure I can go a day without having it on or checking my email but woo, once it's gone you miss it." It made me think oh come on! You are certainly old (by that I mean wise) enough to know what to do without your computer. Don't make me lose hope for the grandparent generation! I jest. Actually I thought it was cute. (Hello? Stared at a blank wall for an hour this morning missing my own email?)

Once I made it home, I knew I had other stuff to do but I snapped this picture first:

This is Sam. Dumb cat moved from the position I thought was totally cute and then the camera died. But yes, he's sound asleep and I could kick the cat pole and he would sleep on. I wish he'd teach me how to nap that way.

Off I went to take care of a few last things and by the time I made it back from THAT, it was nearly 2:00 and I felt completely used up. Out of sorts and struggling to remember how to get through the next hour and a half before the kids were out of school.

I never thought I had any kind of routine before today. The basics were the basics - get up, take kids to school, work, pick up house, pick up kids, dinner, work, bed, repeat. But without all the routines crammed in to whatever goes on between "take kids to school" and "pick up kids". I really could not figure out what to do with myself, where to start.

So I checked my email.

And then picked up but never got in a groove. Picked up the girls, handled a small "I'm going my way, you go your way" situation between the girls, came home, made dinner, ate dinner, killed time before the mandatory winter sports meeting at the high school, went to said meeting and tried to stay awake and then came home. Did some job searching, made a spreadsheet for my neighbor, put the kids to bed, put the husband to bed and here I sit. Sitting. I still feel weird - like today I lived the life of someone who kind of looks like me but isn't. And I can't seem to get the normal back. Guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow.

Thank You, Fire Prevention Week...NOT!

2010-10-23T23:17:00.000-05:00

Thank you, Fire Prevention Week, for ruining my daughter.

What exactly are they teaching during this course? In Kindergarten the kids colored a little book, practiced fire drills, etc. What happens when they get into third and fourth grade?

Because whatever it is, it has Alyssa having a "stomachache" or a "fever" or a "cough" every.single.night now. It has her scared of spending the night out, no matter how exciting the idea sounds a few hours beforehand.

Tonight she's at a slumber party...at a friend's house where just last weekend she was going to spend the night but called and bailed on the whole sleepover idea before it was really even dark outside.

So I asked her today when she told me she was getting that nervous feeling in her stomach why she was so worried about spending the night out and she tells me it's because she's worried we'll have a fire and she'll be the only one left. (Apparently she's not aware of how lightly I actually sleep). Or the house where she's sleeping over will have a fire.

Ugh.

Fires happen kid, but it's not likely that one will happen here or where you're staying.

She called tonight, as I expected she would (but hoped she wouldn't) and was all worked up, crying or on the verge, and said she didn't necessarily want to come home but she didn't want to stay there. "Why are you so worried about it?" I asked. "Because that's just who I am," she replied sounding oh so very much like her sister. She then filled me in on the inevitable drama of having that many pre-teen girls in a room together.

Double Ugh.

Basically I told her to suck it up, take a deep breath and get back to hanging out because she'd sure regret it if she came home. I wasn't quite that blunt. And I told her if I came to get her, that'd be it for sleepovers anywhere, including here, for a long time.

She hasn't called back yet, but in slumber party land, it's still very early. I'll be taking the phone with me to bed, sure I'll be getting a call to come get her.

Thursday Thirteen

2010-10-21T11:34:00.000-05:00

13 Things I've Learned (today or otherwise)

There is something REALLY good in the gluten-free blondies the kids and I made last night. So good in fact it would cause my least-mischevious cat to jump on the counter, eat through the plastic and lick half of the blondies (a 9x13 pan!).
It must be like cat crack because whatever it is, it caused same cat to knock over the trash can (and this cat weighs less than 2 pounds) and pull out the blondies I pitched because of cat slobber.
I will never be a winter early morning person. Winter (okay, fall - whatever) mornings are for burying oneself under the blankets. Winter (okay, it's only fall, so what!) mornings make me take half-hour showers because it's just too cold outside of the shower.
My daughter is never going to ride her bike again and when pressed for an answer why, the best she can give me is because the chain is rusty (this does not affect the performance, only the look)
You CAN grow New Guinea impatients indoors. At least so far. This makes me happy as I really liked them in the garden and now I like them in the kitchen window.
My TV has picture-in-picture. Yes, I learned this yesterday, on accident, by hitting the button that says PIP (but I didn't know I was hitting that button). Very exciting lol.
I judge books by their covers. I suppose I've always known this but recently it's been really apparent to me.
Today is my parents' anniversary. They've been married for 38 years which is amazing. My dad reminded me yesterday, which is a good thing - these days I need lots of those - but I actually would have remembered, but probably not until I was going to bed tonight and then I'd have felt really bad.
I am never going to get the bathroom sink fixed. Every time I fix one leak, another one pops up. Do bathrooms really need a sink, because I'm thinking that after over a year of not having a properly functioning one or a broken one, would we really miss having one? Think of all the added space!
I lose things a lot. This is not something I've learned, just a statement. What I've learned is that whatever I lose tends to show up eventually...and is usually right in front of my face. Ex: the caulk for the sink - been missing for three days. Found it today right by the back door, at eye level...and I use that door more than 10 times a day. My reading wishlist that I carry to the library - been missing for months. At the moment it's sitting to my right on my desk. I have no idea where it's been or how it ended up there.
I will never win an argument with the twins.
Pyrex and I do not get along. In just a few years I've managed to break at least four Pyrex dishes. FOUR - two of which were in my hands at the time.
It's very hard to stay mad at my son, even though he's a teenager. It's easy to GET mad at him, but it has to be pretty major for me to stay that way. The same cannot be said for the twins LOL. No, there's no difference between raising boys and girls LOL

whew.

Homecoming, 2010

2010-10-16T23:32:00.000-05:00

Happy Homecoming.

One thing I've learned being the mother of "the boyfriend" in a high school relationship - Homecoming (and Prom, I'm sure) for a boy is WORLDS apart from what it is for a girl.

For a girl (especially a girlfriend, read: guaranteed date to the dance) Homecoming can start as early as the first day of school. Dress shopping. Now, I am not, nor have I ever been, a girly-girl. But it is exciting getting completely dressed up. And picking a dress. Not too fancy because that's for prom dresses, but pretty. And then shoes to match.

For a boy, my boy, dressing for homecoming included the stressful: "which of my two blue shirts do I want to wear with the only pair of black dress pants I have?"

For a girl, getting ready for homecoming starts hours before the dance. Sometimes even the morning before. There's the hair, it needs to be washed, curled, sprayed, styled, sprayed, decorated and sprayed again. The nails need to be filed and painted. Makeup done to perfection and this occasionally takes more than one attempt.

For a boy, my boy, here's how his day went today:
1. call me for a ride home from his friend's, where he spent the night.
2. take a shower
3. xbox
4. make a last-minute run to the store for a corsage with fingers crossed that there will still be some available.
5. xbox
6. five minutes before the time we're supposed to leave, after several minutes of his mother yelling at him to "Oh My God GET DRESSED", slowly put clothes on.
7. have conversation with friends while getting dressed in the hall.
8. add deoderant and too much Axe.
9. check for wallet, money, student id and tickets.
10. get in car.

We get to Tyler's girlfriend's house and she looks amazing. He gets a very sweet look on his face when she comes into the room. But doesn't tell her how amazing she looks and I want to smack him in the back of the head and remind him that he should tell her. He does but boy is it awkward, the two of them standing there.

We go outside and take some pictures and then it's awkward, I think, because they're waiting for me to leave. And I'm ready to leave but really, being the mother of the boyfriend is strange. I don't really have a role. I took more pictures, looking for my out and basically waiting until they gave me one. Strange.

And that was it, dropping him off was my last duty for the night (well, as far as he was concerned - the girls kept me hopping for several hours afterward.)

Now I just wait, wait for him to come home, sweaty, stinky and reeking of a good time.

What I'm Reading - Up From The Blue

2010-10-12T22:54:00.001-05:00

I won this book in a contest (and I can't remember which - it was an early win; I'm much more organized now lol). When it came, it wasn't the book I was expecting and this was a good thing.

Up From the Blue is Susan Henderson's debut novel - and it's fantastic!

You know where I read so I'm only on Page 22 of this book. And really, it's a little scary how much I like this book so far. Scary is the wrong word. I'm excited to read the rest; and I'm excited and uncomfortable with how much I feel like I relate to certain aspects of this book (and hello? only on Page 22).

So far, I've met the main character Tillie, in a new apartment and having cramps at only 34 weeks pregnant. She's "new" in town and doesn't know where to go so calls her father, who apparently she hasn't seen in quite a long time - he didn't even know that she was married! I met her father when he joined her (uninvited) at the hospital.

In the second chapter, Tillie (given name Mathilda) is 8 yrs old and it's 1975. She lives on base with her brother Phil and her mom and dad, who is a weapons engineer. She's been sent home from school with a note insisting she stay home the next day because she's a biter and has once again bitten a classmate.

Her mother is having some serious mental problems. She lies in bed all day and through Tillie's narration, I've learned that some days her mother is good and happy and singing. Then something (even an airplane flying overhead) triggers her mother's mood swing and she's in bed:

"That day, she closed her eyes and squeezed the handle on the pan. "I can't do this anymore," she said. "I can't. I just can't." And she left the grease-spattered room, left the chicken soaking in oil and soup."

The neighbors are suspicious when one nosy mom drops by and Tillie only looks at her through the front door and mimics the woman's doorbell ringing. (She cannot open the front door because in an attempt to make their base housing stand apart, Tillie's mother painted the front door turquoise blue - and painted it shut!) By the time her brother Phil returns from school, half the women on the street are standing outside waiting to talk to Tillie's mother. Phil and Tillie have been told that their father will "handle" all questions about their mother so they say nothing. When their father arrives home from a business trip that afternoon, he shoos the neighbors away, directs the kids inside and once inside rants about the condition of the place, the lack of food, that Tillie was home all day with nothing to eat. He then takes them to the commissary and buys dinner and cleaning supplies.

I've never really been one to look for the hidden meaning in books. I read them to nose around in someone else's life, to escape. But at one point, nearing the end and when I'm very close to panic - thinking that the author is going to leave out a lot of important information - 8-yr-old Tillie's father, frustrated, sweeps a nearly-completed puzzle off the table and into the box. Tillie says:

"....we were almost able to see the whole picture!"

And I think that's exactly how I felt about the book. At this point, page 285, almost able to see the entire picture, but not quite. There are a couple pieces missing and I hoped to find them in the last few pages.

Susan Henderson doesn't disappoint me, no matter how few pages were left. I don't want to tell anymore of the specifics of the book because I don't want to spoil it for anyone but I'm so very glad I was exposed to this book. It's a very powerful story about the struggles families go through and the decisions we have to make in order to keep it together. It touches the bond between mother and daughter, father and daughter and brother and sister. Tillie is an amazing little girl, and she's written beautifully. More than once I wanted to reach out to her. I'll be handing this book to my mother to read next and give it high recommendations.

percy makes a comeback!

2010-10-12T14:43:00.001-05:00

Click Percy's picture to vote for him (err...me) in the softscrub contest

You could, if you wanted to, leave a quick comment letting me know you did so and I'll think of some way to thank you! :)

on the pets

2010-10-10T18:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I swept up a pile of hair as big as a softball. Today, I swept up a tennis ball. Let it go three days and I get a basketball. And that was just what comes off the stairs.

Every three weeks we buy 2o pounds of dog food. Every three weeks we buy 15 pounds of cat food. I fill water dishes four times a day. I empty the three litter boxes twice a day (and then there's the mostly-outdoor cat who mostly prefers the bathtub - gross, I know.)

There. are. too. many. pets. living. in. this. house.

I even object to my son's hermit crab and I very rarely even cross his threshold.

Six cats.

Two large dogs.

Three kids.

and a husband.

That's just too many things.

But unless I want to be the mother from hell, I'm stuck. See, there are four pets in this house who belong to me and love me above all others (except for the husband). That's my AmStaff Macchi, our 16-yr-old cat Gizmo, Skinny and her son, Percy (the only survivor of Skinny's only litter of 8).

I have no love for the chocolate lab who runs away daily now that the weather is nice and sometimes when it's not, is terrified of the vacuum, thunderstorms and water. Yes, I have the only lab in history scared of water.

I don't necessarily mind the two mostly-outdoor cats, one of whom came to us from friends who didn't want him anymore and the other who showed up when it was freezing outside. I don't necessarily even mind the teeny tiny, itty bitty Rascal because except when she's in heat (one more bill) you really don't even know she's around.

But they're three more mouths to feed. They're three more (usually) additions to the litter box. They're three more hair-shedding reasons to vacuum and sweep daily (or more).

I contemplated taking them all to the no-kill shelter in our area. And then realized how horrible of a mother I'd be.

I've just been conned. Repeatedly. The only pets we actually made conscious decisions to take in were Gizmo, who we saved from a pet store and who is really on her last legs of life, and Macchi, who we adopted out of foster care. And we consciously decided to keep Percy because he was the only survivor and I needed an orange male replacement for my orange male who was killed a few years back.

The others were all saved, basically dumped here, because no one else wanted them. The lab from my kids' friends' uncle because she couldn't get along with her (the lab's) mother. Skinny because her owner became very ill. Mooser (one of the outdoors) because he just wouldn't behave for some friends. Rascal because I'm just a sucker for kittens-and begging children apparently-as that's the reason that Sam (the other outdoor) is living with us.

I don't know what to do. The kids feed and water and I suppose that I can make them help with the litter box (please God someone take that chore from me). My son is in charge of keeping the backyard, and I suppose I can turn over the sweeping to my daughters as well. I'm just frustrated and feel like I'm drowning in pet hair.

i had planned

2010-10-09T15:54:00.000-05:00

To further customize this site today, since the reason for the move back to blogger was the lack of options (when not self-hosted). But I decided instead to go hang out with my parents over hanging out with my laptop. And I'm babysitting tonight. And hockey starts tonight. And I have books to read. So really, blogging is just going to have to wait. At least until tonight when I can't sleep. I have some cool giveaways to post but yeah, it'll have to wait.

I like...

2010-10-05T02:00:00.000-05:00

...that no matter what side of the bed we sleep on, Gizmo puts her head on my pillow - and her butt in Todd's face.

(and what I don't like is waking up after less than three hours' sleep, stepping in cat puke in the dark and then realizing that some cat exploded not six inches away from the litter box...)