Pam!

2011 Goals Update

2011-04-26T14:13:00.002-04:00

Defend my dissertation proposal - Set for May 5th (Cinco de Mayo!)
Lose 10-15 pounds - Yeah, not so much . . .
Get Scuro down to 14 pounds - Same here. She is a steady 15.5
No more surgeries - So far so good!
Finish the master bathroom (for Mike - yes, I can make goals for him too) - Mostly done!
Increase tithing to $300/month (not including Christmas tithing) - Up to $250/mo
Finish Chapter 4 of my dissertation - Done!
Submit something to a conference or journal that gets accepted (fuzzy goal) - Done (1 paper to CHI workshop, 2 to AMCIS, and 1 to CTS Doctoral Consortium!)
Spend more time with and make closer friends - So far so good!
Start trying to get pregnant (later in the year. Might negate 2nd goal.) - Off BC, but not officially trying yet

So, overall, the year is looking pretty good so far. It has been busy and hectic, but not painfully so. After the last few years of medical problems and what not, things are looking up! Thank God! :-)

2011 Goals

2011-01-06T00:44:00.003-05:00

Defend my dissertation proposal
Lose 10-15 pounds
Get Scuro down to 14 pounds
No more surgeries
Finish the master bathroom (for Mike - yes, I can make goals for him too)
Increase tithing to $300/month (not including Christmas tithing)
Finish Chapter 4 of my dissertation
Submit something to a conference or journal that gets accepted (fuzzy goal)
Spend more time with and make closer friends
Start trying to get pregnant (later in the year. Might negate 2nd goal.)

Pam's Back

2010-08-12T21:17:00.003-04:00

Not back as in "back in business," but just a general update on my back. I underwent surgery for a L5-S1 back herniation on 8/3/2010 (yes, 5 days before our 2 year anniversary). It was a tough decision to make, but after a year, the second MRI looked the same as the first. I even consulted my chiropractor who believes that surgery is never the answer, and he said I should go for it.

They said that the surgery should take about 45 minutes, but mine took about 2 1/2 hours. Thank God, I have no recollection of any of it, but it did leave Mike starving and nervous in the waiting room. The doctor told us that it was an extremely large herniation that looked pretty old - as in the scar tissue had healed around the herniation where it punctured the membrane. In addition, the herniated disc had fused itself to my nerve so he had to separate the two. He told us that I am at a higher risk for reherniation since since the herniation was so large - meaning the hole in the membrane was bigger than normal. He advised me to take it easy so that scar tissue could form over the membrane.

So, I have been in bed watching TV for most of the time since surgery. Don't ask me how many Law and Order SVU or Royal Pains or House or NCIS marathons I have watched. I have also been heavily medicated with hydrocodone, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatories. Trips out have consisted of searching for back accessories - such as a rolling backpack for my laptop, L-shaped back pillows, comfortable shoes, and I have even broken down against my fear of needles to go to my friend Tom for acupunture.

I can't really say how well I am healing yet. The first day, my leg was really tight (my calf felt like a constant Charlie Horse). The second day I had crazy muscle spasms (which Tom's acupunture and suggestion to drink Pedialite seemed to remedy). The third day my whole back around my incision felt like a big bruise . . . that reminded me of poor Ra when I had to get his tail amputated . . . he had a huge bruise on his little stub. The fourth day through now, I don't quite remember all the details, but the bag of symptoms include nausea, blurry vision, leg pain, hives (don't ask me how that one fits in), and foot numbness. Overall, I can't complain EXCEPT I seem to have lost some muscle strength in my right calf that gives me a definitive limp and nearly prevents me from walking down stairs. It is like - pretend you are doing "toe-up" exercises to strengthen your calves. Well, I can't even get my right foot off the ground no matter how hard I could try. Left foot, no problems.

So, I was a little depressed today second guessing my decision to go through surgery. I am just frustrated with not knowing the right answers or finding or even knowing who and how they can help. Maybe I am a little vain, but walking with a limp and the thought of my right leg atrophying seems worse then constant pain in my hips and consistent sciatica. At first out of surgery, I had a positive outlook. From what he found in there, there was no way that disc was going to heal on its own over time. However, I am praying that the muscle weakness will go away as my nerve heals, but I am scared that it might not.

Part of me is kicking myself for not addressing the problem sooner. I probably herniated the disc in 2005 when I was moving to Charlotte. That is when my back first started going out. It became chronic pain after I was hospitalized with colitis in 2009. At that time, I tried physical therapy, steriod epidurals, anti-inflamatories, etc. I just got tired of all the doctors and nothing helping. Besides, Mike was seeing twice as many doctors as he was only recently diagnosed with CVID a few months ago. His condition was more serious than mine, so at $20 a pop (minimum for co-pay and not even to mention all the lab tests), I took a hiatus from seeing doctors. I don't regret that.

I swear that our health insurance company would be better off taking the risk of hiring a hit man than paying our medical bills. They have been trying any way they can to deny having to pay for Mike's treatments that cost $6,000 a month. Luckily, Mike fixed the problem when they dropped him. Now they want him to switch to a different distributor. Hopefully, that won't cause more problems.

So far, CVID is the best diagnosis we have gotten for Mike. It feels like progress that he at least has a treatment now even if it is insanely expensive. We have seen moderate results. He hasn't been getting sick as often from bacterial infections like sinus infections, etc. His myoclonic jerks have gone away along with the headaches. Thanks God. However, his lymph-nodes have been hurting him which is cause for concern because of the correlation between CVID and certain types of Cancer. He went to talk to a surgeon this week, and they are talking about doing surgery to biopsy one of his lymph-nodes. We are back and forth, "oh, maybe it is nothing," but ultimately, I think he needs to get the test done because if it is a type of Cancer early detection is very important.

Mike is stressed by work, but he can't really leave because he can't afford to lose health insurance with all this stuff going on. He has been doing a great job at work this quarter pushing deals through. He got a decent commission check, and I am proud of him. His project right now is re-doing the master bathroom. At first, it was because of a potential mold problem. Then we realized that the mold problem wasn't as bad as first anticipated (after spending $400 on air quality testing). Now, I think it is just his pet project. He has already teared out the closet walls and has kept things remarkably tidy. Yet construction has been halted with everything going on recently. It's okay, I couldn't fit most of the clothes in the closet anyway. :-)

This is going to be a busy semester for me. I am slated to defend my proposal this semester. One Godsend is that I have changed topics from the evil Geoviz to looking at how people set interpersonal boundaries within their online social networks. My advisors have looked out for me as far as funding goes, and I am also very thankful for that. I will be teaching two sections of web application development at UNCC this fall. I will have about 60 students total. I have been working on developing the curriculum and the class schedule this week. However, I have to be careful because sitting up is the worst possible thing for my back recovery right now. I have been looking at zero gravity recliners and kneeling chairs at Relax the Back, but man are they expensive! We bought a laptop pillow desk thingy which is what I am using to type this blog from bed as we speak. I have affectionately named my new bed pillow "Ellie." (aka the L-shaped pillow)

On a more positive note, we had a great trip to Alaska which was kind of our anniversary present to ourselves. At first, I was bummed because the cruise-line kind of sucked and it was foggy. But things cleared up, we saw whales, went mushing, and things looked up from there. We also joined a small group at our church and have met some new friends. Overall, I can't complain because Mike and I have many friends here in Charlotte and scattered all over the place. We aren't the most social people in the world, but we do cherish our friendships. The Fergusons next door are a really nice older couple to check in on us pretty regularly. Larry brought over some chicken casserole and peach cobbler. He also left a pair of waders by the front door which in some people's lives would seem strange. Of course, we have an explanation. We helped him go to a Buddhist monastery to get lotuses and plant them in the pond. Well, after two months, we all realized that lotuses were pretty invasive so Mike had to pull them back up and replant them in big garbage cans. Duck raising (sometimes chasing via kayak) and pond maintenance, just another normal day. :-)

Scuro, Ru, and Carrera are doing well. We have mice and ants living in the garage so Scuro's food is on the dining room table. Shoot, we never even eat at the dining room table. She is the fancy, spoiled kitty, but well-deserved. She just turned 12 years old this month. Alas, they discontinued her favorite bobble. We tried a few different replacement bobbles, but she has been impervious (is that the right word?) to our attempts.

Okay, I have started doing a William Faulkner stream of consciousness here so maybe my meds are kicking in. See what happens when I am stuck at home and made to rest? I haven't blogged in ages. Eh, blogs are out and micro-blogging is in. No wonder we are all ADD these days. I will drink my Pedialax (Pedialite + Miralax, Mmmm mmm), and probably watch some tv, listen to a relaxing hypnosis CD (but not whilst driving), get mashed by the Scuro, and drift to sleep. Good night. Sweet dreams.

Lent 21 Days before Easter

2010-03-07T20:04:00.003-05:00

Okay, we just watched the Fast Forward for Lent (Mike laughed at me when I thought it was spelled Lint) from our church Meck. We are trying to decide what we will give up for 21 days to glory God. So, here is what we are coming up with:

1) No television except music channels (not MTV). Mike thinks it was a sign that our Logitech Harmony remote was dropped and broken by our cleaning people. The one caveat Mike wanted to add was if there was some kind of emergency happening we could watch the news. One other stipulation I will add is no TV streaming from the Internet either. That includes YouTube.

2) Pray before every meal. This is something I have always wanted to do but have been really bad at especially in public because it feels kind of embarrassing. So, since it is hard, it needs to be added to our list.

3) Table salt. Mike couldn't give up salt "as an ingredient" since he HAS to follow every recipe to the tee. So we compromised on giving up any additional added salt.

Okay, so that sounds like a start!

It's me again!

2010-02-24T14:27:00.003-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I know I haven't blogged in a while. We have been busy! We had Christmas with Mike's Mom and Michele then headed down to Florida to see Mom, Watson, Lisa, Steve, and the kids. In January, we went to San Fransisco for a week as Mike had a business meeting/training he had to attend. We were also able to spend time with his Dad, Julie, and most of my relatives. Our New Year's Resolution is to take a vacation this year just us - we love our families, but we need some Pam and Mike time too!

Mike's job is going fairly well. They reorged last year and stressed us all out, then they reorged again this year and stressed us out some more. On the health front, we may have found out one of Mike's biggest reasons for getting sick all the time. He has low immunoglobulins which reduces his ability to fight infections. His doctor has sent out a whole bunch of tests, but thinks it is probably CVID (Common variable immunodeficiency). Not quite sure what that is all about, but evidentally it is pretty serious, and he may have to get a really expensive treatment something to do with blood or plasma replacement. At this point, we are still waiting for all the tests to come back.

I am a little over booked this semester, but the upside is that I am feeling much healthier to be able to be productive. If you've kept up, last July I was hospitalized with Ulcerative colitis and a herniated disc. My colon has been doing just fine, and my disc is doing better. My back still isn't where I want it to be, but it isn't constant agony which is a plus. So this semester, I am trying to determine my proposal topic, doing geovisual analysis to hopefully get a paper written on the gabs of data we have collected, creating a application assurance website as a research/teaching assistantship for our department chair, teaching a web authoring and scripting class at ITT-Tech, serving on the HOA Board, attempting to get more plugged-in at church, working on other "stuff," and generally trying to get back in the swing of things.

And about pets. I am still missing Ra very much and cry pretty much every time I think of him. Ru and Carrera just had their annual vet appointments and everything came back clean. Yay, no worms! Scuro is doing well even though she is approaching twelve. We switched her from Iams to Wellness Core which is on of the premium, protein rich, no grains cat foods that are supposed to be the best for cats as they are carnivores not omnivores. Oh and Twerp! He - I guess I should say she now - is the duck about town. Charlene informed me last week that Twerp has a nest of eggs. So that might mean more snapping turtle catching for us this spring.

Seems like my family is doing well. Mike's mom recently lost over 30 pounds. Mom quit smoking, and Watson is trying. Kim is getting her second book published. All the nieces and nephews are healthy and as much trouble as ever. Michele is engaged and plans to get married this year.

No babies here yet. I know we originally said we were maybe going to start "trying" this year, but we have decided that I need to get my PhD done, and we need to work on some of the pending health issues. Besides, I haven't finished reading "What to Expect Before You are Expecting."

Fun news. Mike decided me wanted a Kindle for his birthday. He got it today and is already going download happy. It's cute really. I finally got a laptop that fits me. It took three tries, so I named it Charm. He is a Sony Vaio.

Okay, and that is my update until next time. Love you guys!

Pamela

2010-01-12T19:55:00.000-05:00

SIR PHILIP SIDNEY, Arcadia, 16th Century

PAMELA'S PRAYER

‘0 all seeing Light, and eternal Life of all things, to whom nothing is either so great that it may resist, or so small that it is contemned; look upon my misery with thine eye of mercy, and let thine infinite power vouchsafe to limit out some proportion of deliverance unto me, as to thee shall seem most convenient. Let not injury, 0 Lord, triumph over me, and let my faults by thy hand be corrected, and make not mine enemy the minister of thy justice. But yet, 0 Lord, if, in thy wisdom, this be the aptest chastisement for my inexcusable folly; if this low bondage be fittest for my over high desires; and the pride of my not enough humble heart be thus to be broken, 0 Lord, I yield unto thy will, and joyfully embrace what sorrow thou wilt have me suffer. Only thus much let me crave of thee let my craving, 0 Lord, be accepted of thee, since even that proceeds from thee let me crave (even by the noblest title which in my great affliction I may give myself, that I am thy creature; and by thy goodness, which is thyself) that thou wilt suffer some beams of thy majesty to shine into my mind, that it may still depend confidently on thee. Let calamity be the exercise, but not the over-throw of my virtue: let their power prevail, but prevail not to destruction. Let my greatness be their prey; let my pain be the sweetness of their revenge; let them (if so seem good unto thee) vex me with more and more punishment. But, 0 Lord, let never their wickedness have such a hand, but that I may carry a pure mind in a pure body.'

Time

2009-12-07T10:14:00.003-05:00

While time is elusive, we all seem to think that others can have more or less of it than we do. Untrue. Each and every one of us have the same exact amount of time in a day. The difference is where we choose to spend it. Dr. Herbert Simon called it "the scarcity of attention." There are a multitude of things that warrant our attention, and we choose, sometimes unconsciously and unwisely, how to allocated our attention. There is no such thing as "I don't have time." Simply, you just don't think that that particular activity is as important as the ones already consuming your time.

The problems start when we waste our time by giving it to activities where we are overworked and under appreciated. Or when we let pressure from others influence how we spend our time. Time is a finite resource that cannot be bought back. Like money, you cannot regain sunk costs, guarantee return on investment, and must analyze opportunity costs. Even though less tangible than dollars, the risk is much higher for mismanagement, but the reward is much greater when invested wisely.

On another note, never trivial someone else's time by saying they must have a lot of "free time." There is no such thing as free time. Time is one of the most important things we have, and just because someone doesn't have kids, works part-time, spends a lot of time playing video games, or whatever, their time is just as valuable as yours.

What I am Most Thankful For . . .

2009-11-25T20:06:00.000-05:00

My Husband . . .

"You owned my heart then and still today. Everyday you amaze me with your ability to plan for the future and you love for me and others. I am proud to be your husband and you should be proud to be such a wonderful wife.

I Love You!
Mike"

All I Want for Christmas . . .

2009-11-25T10:59:00.003-05:00

1) For the doctors to be able to help treat our chronic health problems successfully.
2) For Scuro, Ru, and Carerra to be happy and healthy.
3) To find another couple in Charlotte who considers us their "best friends."
4) To have the respect of my colleagues, peers, friends, and family.
5) To positively impact the lives of others. And to know it.
6) To find more of a role for us in our church home.
7) To see my mother-in-law make more friends and enjoy fellowship with them.
8) For my mom and Watson to be healthy. For Mom to see Max as often as possible. And for her to be around to see our sons or daughters grow up.
9) For us to be prepared to be parents.
10) Encouragement and praise from mentors and superiors.
11) For Mike to have a job where he feels appreciated and has the respect to be able to make decisions that affect his career.
12) For more people to find jobs and the economy to turn up.
13) For there to be more compromise and less political divisions in our nation.
14) To be good friends with my sister-in-law.
15) For my Compassion Child Abigail to learn the skills she needs to help bring her family out of poverty.
16) For my family to heal from the abuse of the past and want to find the time to spend more time together.
17) To see our neighborhood become healthier and safer.
18) To find the perfect dissertation topic for me - where I can be successful.
19) To lose weight. About 30 pounds.
20) To find ways to appreciate Mike more and show him how much I love him.
21) For our friends to know to come to us if they need help. To have friends we can go to for help. Real help, not cup-of-sugar kind of help.
22) To get to know my father-in-law and his wife better.
23) For my relatives to know more about me and me more about them.
24) For people to give one another the benefit of the doubt and to build one another up instead of tearing one another down.
25) To have the strength to not become apathetic and bitter. The strength to always lead with love and compassion.
26) To set healthy boundaries for myself and my family so that they always come first.
27) To remember to pray for those who hold ill will toward me and to never seek revenge.
28) For Jesus to be undeniably real to me and my family.
29) To be more grateful, content, and joyful. To feel appreciated and loved.
30) For my priorities to represent God's will, not my own.

So if anyone can give me any of these things for Christmas, I would be eternally in your debt. :-)

My Ra

2009-11-23T15:41:00.004-05:00

God, please take care of Ra

2009-11-22T21:43:00.012-05:00

April 1, 2000 - November 22, 2009

Ra was the best little orange cat in the world. He never did anything wrong or out of spite. He loved everyone unconditionally. His purr was like an old car starting on a cold morning. He was bright orange with handsome tribal markings. His fur was like memory foam; you could leave your hand print in it. He quit his tail a few years back to boast a silly little stub that better suit his personality. He snored loudly at night. He liked to sleep in the laundry basket in the closet so combined with the snoring, he fondly became known as our "closet monster." He also liked to sleep between Daddy's feet. He was our "little head," "Buddy Buddy," and as Pedro says, our "tailless wonder." He wasn't just a cat to us. He was and will always be part of our family. He had no cadence to his walk. He just went pad-padpad-padpadpad-padpad-pad in a kind of lopey fashion. His head was always too small for his little body. My "little head." He always wore a little heart for his tag which somehow he managed to use to get stuck to the carpet. I think the best thing about him is that when you looked at him, you could tell that he had already reached that level of blissfulness that you and I are always trying to find. Most of the time, it was like he just didn't have a care in the world. He was a lover, not a fighter. He would let his sister beat him up then he would go and bathe her head. He was always submissive and loving - taking no quarrel with anyone and on his back exposing his tummy in a second. I respected his persistence and resiliency. He never got mad at you and always came when welcomed back on your lap.
He kissed you like a tootsie roll pop . . . lick one, lick two, chomp! He would do completely silly things like get stuck on top of the door, lay on top of the silly putty on the table, and roll on the counter after you just cleaned it with Windex. One time he slinked up to the vacuum cleaner, batted it, hissed, and ran. So silly and sweet. His constant grooming and licking habit led to the loss of his tail, but he didn't mind that one bit. It was his constant search for Ambrosia, and God, please now that you have him, let him find it. His favorite blanket was the green one. His favorite color has always been hot pink. He was fancy that way. He always let us know when the water bowl was emtpy and especially the food bowl. It was like he was the eternal kitten. Scuro has this cat-like mischievousness to her that Ra never had. He always just had . . . an innocence. He greeted new guests by waking them up in the middle of the night, flat dab laying on the middle of their chests. He was such a purr-head. He was nine years old, and we thought we would have more time with him.

God, if animals don't have souls it must be because they are already your angels. Take him home. Pet him. He likes his chin and tummy rubbed. He likes to sit on your lap when you are typing at the computer or on the toilet. He loves talking on conference calls and hates closed doors. Keep a closet ajar somewhere just so he can sneak in and lay among the blankets. He isn't the smartest cat in the world, but he is the sweetest. Yeah, sometimes he can be really stinky. It is like he is baking soda and soaks up the smells from the litter box. Let him know you are behind him, but don't sneak up on him because it makes him jump. What else? He likes sitting in his porn star pose and licking his belly so give him a wall to lean on on occasion. I think it was his way of making sure everyone laughs. He doesn't get over-cuddled and needs lots of attention. He needs hugs and kisses every day. All the other animals might bully him, so keep him protected. He has loved me more and better than most humans have. He and Scuro have been by my side longer and closer than any man or any human friend. He happily went though all the hell I've been through just so he could take care of me. Make sure he isn't alone. Amen, amen, amen.

We don't know what happened. He yelped, and Mike pulled him out from under the bed. His tongue was out and he was fading. Within minutes, he was just gone. We rushed to the emergency vet. When the vet brought him back out to us tonight, they had wrapped him in a towel, and it was his favorite color - pink.

I love you Ra. Mommy loves you. Daddy too. You are the best little orange cat in the world, and I would have done anything for you. I am sorry we weren't able to do more. I love you so much. Thank you for being you. Everyone loved Ra. Chris once offered me a million dollars to take Ra with him when he moved out. Not in a million years. Ra is truly irreplaceable! We all love you, Little Head.

Goals

2009-11-21T15:28:00.003-05:00

-Exercise/lose weight
-Fellowship with other couples: Matt & Amy, Orson & Donna, Haya & Mahdi, Corey & Megan, Charlene & Nick, Larry & Susan, etc.
-Find/start small group at Meck
-Write a random thank you note
-Finalize December holiday plans
-Bake/make Christmas/holiday gifts for neighbors, colleagues, and friends
-Buy Christmas gifts for family
-Finished geovisualization data coding, come up with results, and write up paper(s)
-Decide dissertation topic
-Revise and resubmit WASA paper to The International Journal of Human Computer Studies
-Revise and submit Technology Overload Gender research to a journal (pick journal)
-Finalize January travel plans to San Fran
-Get signatures from board members to finalize non-profit bylaws
-Finalize 501(c)3 paperwork
-Write grant proposal
-Get some sleep

Plog 9/17/09

2009-09-17T16:58:00.001-04:00

Breakfast: toast and nutella
Lunch: macaroni & cheese with hot dog
Dinner: spaghetti, hamburger meat, and soy sauce
Snack: brownies, chips and queso, fruit
Water: 1 glass
Exercise: PT
Doctor: Spine specialist

Plog 9/16/09

2009-09-14T12:38:00.003-04:00

Breakfast: feta asparagus frittata
Lunch: raviolis
Dinner: spaghetti, hamburger meat, and soy sauce
Snack: popcorn, vitamin milk, pineapple bread pudding, brownie bites
Water: 1 glass
Exercise: PT
Doctor: PT

Plog 9/13/09

2009-09-13T17:05:00.002-04:00

Breakfast: mini bagel with nutella
Lunch: Left over pizza
Dinner: Thai chicken satay with rice noodles
Snack: vanilla vitamin milk, pineapple bread pudding
Water: 2 glasses
Exercise: PT exercises, A little Wii Fit
Doctor: None

Plog 9/12/09

2009-09-13T17:04:00.000-04:00

Breakfast: asparagus, feta frittata
Lunch: Sonny's BBQ
Dinner: Boboli white
Snack: vanilla vitamin milk
Water: 2 glasses
Exercise: PT exercises
Doctor: None

Plog 9/11/09

2009-09-12T01:00:00.002-04:00

Breakfast: peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Lunch: pasta with soy sauce
Dinner: fried pork won tons
Snack: vanilla vitamin milk
Water: 2 glasses
Exercise: None
Doctor: None

Plog 9/10/09

2009-09-10T23:02:00.001-04:00

Breakfast: deviled eggs
Lunch: raviolis
Dinner: 3 slices of pepperoni pizza
Snack: handful of peanuts, hood chocolate milk with vitamins, Pringles cup, more deviled eggs, toast and nutella
Water: 1 glass
Exercise: PT exercises
Doctor: None

Plog

2009-09-08T11:28:00.008-04:00

9/8/09

Breakfast: 2 snack sized Jimmy Dean sausage and biscuits
Lunch: hot dog with bun, cinnamon apple sauce cup, Pringles cup
Dinner: spaghetti with hamburger and mushrooms, goat cheese, garlic, olive oil, and pan fried pita bread
Snack: handful of peanuts, strawberry shake
Water: 3 glasses
Exercise: None, didn't do PT because hip was hurting too much, slept on ice pack
Vitamins: Bought GNC Woman's powder multi-vitamin in vanilla. Tried it. It is okay.
Doctor: Went to Chiropractor

9/9/09
Breakfast: toast and nutella
Lunch: left over spaghetti
Dinner: Perogies and hotdogs w/o buns
Snack: Vitamin peach shake, Pringles cup, honey roasted peanuts, beef jerky
Water: skim milk. Need more water . . .
Exercise: PT exercises
Vitamins: cup of vita-powder with skim milk
Doctor: Physical therapy

Getting Down to Business

2009-09-07T23:49:00.004-04:00

Okay, seriously, I need to work to get healthy. Some steps:

1) Keep a food/exercise journal - eat right and exercise.
2) Continue physical therapy.
3) Go to my 10 million follow up doctors' appointments (ugh.)
4) Find a liquid or gummy adult multi-vitamin my tummy can take on a daily basis.
5) Set an alarm on my phone to remember to take my middle-of-the-day pills. Get some kind of pill holder for my wallet.
6) Drink more water.
7) I need to figure out if my back problem is my L5-S1 lumbar or my SI joint (caused most likely by the ulcerative colitis). Based on my limited research, you treat them differently so it matters which one you have.
8) Pray! (I guess this one should actually go first...)

Food journal starts tomorrow. I ate like crap today.

Our Family

2009-08-25T10:44:00.009-04:00

Pam & Mike

Chiaroscuro "Scuro"

Ra

Carrera

Uluru "Ru"

Twerp

Love your Neighbor as Yourself

2009-08-25T09:23:00.002-04:00

I really believe that Mike and I try to put service to others as a integral part of our lives. To me, what other purpose to life could there be? But sometimes, I get discouraged because it feels like no one really helps us. In the age of social networking, you would think it would make friendships stronger instead of just - cursory. Sometimes it feels like accepting a friend request or liking someone's status update makes people feel like they have done their part being your friend for the day. There are so many times when I hear people say, "let me know if there is anything I can do to help," but it seems empty because most people know that if you actually come up with something and ask the person to do it, most often the response will be that they are somehow busy or otherwise engaged. Helping someone out is really only an option when it isn't an inconvenience. We do it half heartedly when we throw ourselves all the way into the things that we want to pursue. Instead of just doing something nice for someone else, somehow we feel like we are off the hook as long as we just make the offer. And not only this, society seems to dictate that actually asking for help isn't something you should do. People feel embarrassed or ashamed and generally push people who know they need help away because it somehow makes you feel stronger. We have become suspicious if someone wants to help us and sometimes even offended. And we have learned asking for help is an annoyance or bother to others so we just don't do it.

Society has made us on-demand, instant gratification, have it your way, put yourself first, that was easy, at the push of a button, suck it up, just take what you can, put your best foot forward, no need to compromise, don't get in my way, all men for themselves people who often find ourselves having everything we could possibly want and confused about the lonely, empty feeling we have inside. So how to we change this? How do we actually start loving our neighbors as ourselves? How do we really start to truly connect and feel like a community? How can we start asking one another for help? And when asked for help, how do we administer it passionately without even thinking about how it negatively impacts our original plans? How do we make time for friends on a weekly basis instead of keeping them at arms length on a buddy list? How do we move away from cooking meals for two to always making some extra just in case someone stops by? How do we shift our priorities from achieving personal success to measuring our success based on how well we have loved others?

Sigh. Maybe I am just having a rough morning. Sometimes humanity amazes me and others it just makes me sad.

Now I Law Me Down to Sleep

2009-08-15T02:20:00.003-04:00

God, I sincerely want to do your will in my life, but man is it hard sometimes! Just wanted to ask for your help with some of my struggles:

First, I get confused about what exactly it is you want me to do. I see the guidance from the Bible - love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. However, in practice in my own life sometimes it is ambiguous as to what exactly that means. Sometimes it isn't that I want to be disobedient, it is just I don't know what they heck I should be doing.

Second, I get hurt. When I try to do something loving or sacrificial, inevitably it seems like Satan finds a way to make it an uphill battle. Conventional wisdom then teaches me that I should become bitter, guarded, and self-protecting instead because no one likes getting hurt. As a Christian, I am supposed to forgive and give my other cheek when I get slapped on the first. There is no way I can do that on my own. I don't have the strength of Jesus to be able to live a perfect life, be condemned, and still die to save others because of unconditional love. I guess sometimes I just want to pray for strength because this world can be such an ugly place. On one hand I genuinely want to help people because I really do care, but on the other hand sometimes I feel myself isolating myself from people because they can be down right mean. So I feel like I love people and want to hide from them at the same time.

Third, society defines success so much differently than the Bible. To be successful, it is about personal achievements, power, money, strength, independence, self-indulgence, etc. It is like the world turned Jesus's teachings upside down. You strive to be first, not last. when the Bible says that it is in our weakness that we are strong because of our reliance on God, the world condemns any sign of weakness. Apologies are signs of weakness. So as the world has become this on-demand, materialistic, individualistic thing - it seems like it just tears people apart. Give me what I want now. Don't get in my way. Put yourself first. There is no need to compromise. Marriage vows seem to have a convenience clause. Relationships are fragile and broken so easily between co-workers, friends, family, etc. While we expect to be forgiven, we allow very little room for others to make mistakes. Stay at home mothers aren't respected because they can't (or choose not to) multi-task their children and a lucrative career. People feel worthless because they can't find a job - when did a career become synonymous with self-worth? People encourage you to choose your own personal enrichment over forming deep connections with others - at sometimes making sacrifices that have no personal benefit to you. So basically, I get torn between the things that matter to me and the things that matter to me that matter to me because of what other people think. I am not going to lie and say that I don't care how the world perceives me. I like praise. I like others to think I am smart and successful. I grew up leanring that you had to be perfect to be loved. That doesn't get untaught overnight. So sometimes I feel my heart strings pulling me toward stuff that matters more to me than the "Bitch-Goddess Success' (quoting DH Lawrence), I still find myself feeling guilty when I don't measure up to her yardstick.

Fourth, sometimes my physical health just gets in the way of all the things I want to do to glorify you. I get tired, exhausted, depressed, achy, anxious, and just generally blah. I am only 29 years old, and I have too many health problems for my age. I have wonderful ambitions and great ideas but sometimes just not taking a mid-afternoon nap seems like a miracle. when Jesus was on earth, was he limited by his physical body? It is hard to separate me from my physical confines even though my soul really does have the desire to do more. I don't remember many stories in the Bible about ill people doing great things. In fact, most of the stories I remember have to do with Jesus healing believers. So either there is something I am missing or maybe I just don't have strong enough faith. However, even in the Bible, the man with the sick son prayed for his healing by exclaiming . . . "I believe, help my disbelief."

And fifth, it is just so hard to understand the intanglible. I am supposed to be living for something better in Heaven, but I can't imagine something that I have never seen, experienced, or could probably never begin to wrap my mind around - and the Bible even says that I could never understand your master plan for us. It would be like Ra (my not-so-smart but completely loving cat) being expected to understand every nuance of why I do what I do on a daily basis to make sure he is safe. Although he loves running out the garage door, I know he would be no match for the fox that we found in our yard the other day. Okay, so maybe not the best metaphor, but I am sure you understand me better than I understand you - and that's pretty much the point. I can choose to believe many things, but there are a lot of things that I just don't get. While sometimes it is good enough for me to just have faith that you have it figured out and be glad that it isn't up to me to have all under control, the Bible is full of contradictions and generalities that simply just don't have the feel of a Dummy's guide to life. I can't believe that a child growing up in some remote third world country who never heard the Gospel and accepts Jesus as Lord goes to Hell when he or she dies. In some ways, I am a very practical person. I sponsor a Compassion child in Bolivia, and it bothers me that her letters are all just about "May you be blessed in the Lord Jesus Christ and I will pray for you a thousand times a day." I want her to learn how to read. I want her to learn a trade so that she can help her family move out of poverty. I do believe that you alone nourish us, but you do it through means other than just yourself. If that weren't the case, there should have never been an earth. There should have just been a huge thrown where we could just all worship instead of fellowship 24 hours a day. No need for food, money, or each other. Reminds me about some joke I heard about a man stranded in a flood on his roof waiting for you to save him . . . but I am sure you have heard that one before.

While I know that this may sound like a disrespectful prayer, instead I hope that you see that it is a thoughtful one. Instead of praying about loaves of daily bread and what it seems like I should pray for as a good Christian, I am bringing you the things that are really on my heart. I am asking for your help to my real struggles because I definitely know that I cannot solve them all on my own. Typically I write my prayers down because when I say them in my head I tend to trail off into thinking about something completely unrelated. It helps me to be more focused and honest with myself and with others along with being more respectful to you because I am not thinking about trivial things like what to wear tomorrow or that thing I forgot to do that I really need to remember to add to my list. And I don't want you to think I am missing the important parts of my daily prayers such as being thankful and asking for forgiveness. I am very thankful for so many things in my life. And I know I have sinned and will continue to sin and need to ask your mercy and forgiveness on a daily basis. I just can't sink into a shallow mindset and not have these types of questions, and I really don't think that you are the type of God who would want that. So here I am at three in the morning as honest as can be. There is a song I really like; the words go something like, "God, move, or move me." I guess that is kinda what I am saying here. God, you do it.

Hospital Cost Craziness

2009-07-27T13:40:00.003-04:00

One night in the hospital:

room & board: $605
pharmacy: $2,433
medical supplies: 100
labs: $2071
Radiology: $1944
Emergency Room: $1587
GI Services: $1260

Total: $10,000

Wow. Luckily we have insurance to pay most of it, but man getting sick is expensive!

Carrera (and Twerp)

2009-07-25T05:39:00.005-04:00

Carrera is the newest addition to our family (below). So that makes Pam, Mike, Chiaroscuro (Scuro), Ra, Uluru (Ru), and Carrera. We found her at the Great Dane Rescue of Charlotte which is near North Lake Mall. They had named her Flurry, and she was there with her sister Wrinkles (named for her wrinkly face). Her paperwork says she is a Chinese Shar Pei which I could see for her sister but not at all for her. We are guessing that her mom might have been part Shar Pei (She might be half Chinese like me!), and she is just a mutt just like me. She is extremely sweet and gentle (opposed to Ru who is sweet and crazy). She is a little timid, but she is getting more bounce in her step every day. We took her to the vet today and found out she has whip worms. The vet treated her, but they say that it is hard to get rid of the eggs once they are in your yard so the chance of reinfection is high. Hopefully we caught it in time. Mike de-pooped the yard today. Generally, the vet said that the whip worms shouldn't be that serious - just more of a nuisance.

She is a great dog! She loves to walk on the leash - without pulling (much). She doesn't chase around the cats. She is a little bit of a guard dog - she barked at the lawn guy next door but doesn't bark at the neighbors. She hasn't had any accidents in the house. She growls at Ru when he isn't using his manners but otherwise is very well-mannered. She eats very slowly which we aren't used to. I had to put a Beggin' Strip mixed in her food to get her to eat.

The worse mishap we have had so far is really our fault. We still have some injured ducks and a pre-teen duck in the corner of our yard. We fenced it off where the dogs couldn't really get in but Twerp (our pre-teen) could get out. Twerp is a gutsy little guy, so while the dogs were outside, I was in the garage cleaning the litter boxes, and Mike was cooking dinner, Twerp ran out into the backyard lawn. Carrera was very interested in this, so we picked up Twerp in her mouth. Thank God, Mike happened to see this, so he ran outside and chased her down. Poor things. It scared Mike, Twerp, and Carrera half to death. We examined Twerp. He only seemed to have one small pin point of blood on his back near is Twerpy little wing. It has been 2-3 days, and he is running around just like ever - we are praying he doesn't have any internal injuries or infections. We went right out and got a mesh fence to zip tie to the border fence so that Twerp (Blue-Duck and Speckled-Head) can't get out of the corner of the yard. We are keeping a much closer eye on them now.

At first, we were going to name her Quarry as in a "marble quarry" because 1) it rhymed with Flurry (her original name) and 2) her coat looks very much like white marble with gray marbling. We even got her a tag. However, it didn't stick. (Mike's mom started calling her Cory and in general it wasn't very easy to say. Plus, she didn't really know her name as Flurry anyway.) So, her name is now Carrera after Carrera marble which comes from the Carrera quarries - and is the classic white and gray marble. Not officially, it is also because when Mike sold his Boxster S he wanted to get a Carrera but we got an XTerra instead. Now he can say that he finally got the Carrera he wanted. Maybe if we get a Porsche Carrera we could name it "Dog" or "Mutt."

She has learned how to chew a raw hide, but she still isn't quite sure of the concept of toys. She now knows "sit" and "shake," but she is still working on "lay down." She is quite the shaking machine though. If you have a treat, she dances with both of her paws trying to give them to you so she can get the treat. Very cute.

So that is Carrera's story so far.

CarreraRu 006
Originally uploaded by pamela_j_karr