Short Funny Jokes

The man charged into the jewelry shop By Anonymous from USA.

2011-06-07T00:54:00.001-07:00

By Anonymous from USA.

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. "You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he yelled. "Yeah," admitted the owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."

Husband Wife Jokes on Khana Khajana

2011-02-27T20:19:00.001-08:00

Husband: Aaj khane mein kya banaogi?
Wife: Jo bhi aap kaho

Husband: Dal chawal bana lo
Wife: Abhi kal hi to khaye the

Husband: To phir sabji roti bana lo
Wife: Bacche nahi khayenge

Husband: Acchha to chhole puri bana lo
Wife: Mujhe bahut heavy heavy lagta hai

Husband: Aloo pyaaz ka sabji bana lo
Wife: Lekin aaj guruvaar hai

Husband: Paraanthe?
Wife: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai??

Husband: Hotel se mangwa lete hain?
Wife: Roz roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye

Husband: Kadhi chawal?
Wife: Ghar me dahi nahi hai

Husband: Idli sambar?
Wife: Usme time lagta hai, pehle bolna chahiye tha na!!

Husband: Maggi hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega
Wife: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Pet nahi bharta

Husband: Phir ab kya banaogi?
Wife: Jo bhi aap kaho…

Male Jokes - Funny Jokes

2011-01-27T04:20:00.000-08:00

By Mel Atkinson from United Kingdom

Men are like a pack of Cards:

A "heart" to love them

A "diamond" to marry them

A "club" to smack them and

A "spade" to bury the body...

Rajanikant decided to stare at the Sun

2011-01-15T04:08:00.000-08:00

Rajnikant rocks.. JJJ

1. Once Rajanikant decided to stare at the Sun...
The sun got scared and hided itself behind the Moon...
Later this situation was named as..
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SOLAR ECLIPSE

Animal Jokes - Funny Jokes

2011-01-10T00:21:00.000-08:00

By Jeff from Sydney Australia

Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first racehorse says "You know.... when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds.... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived....blah blah blah..."

In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah...when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds.... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived.... blah blah blah..."

Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds."

The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)...a talking greyhound!"

College Jokes - Funny Jokes

2011-01-09T06:21:00.000-08:00

By Tina Cook from USA.

College

A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.

This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.

The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".

Gender Slam A Joke A Day - Funny Jokes

2011-01-08T18:26:00.000-08:00

By Kinnies from USA.

Q: What do you call a man who just lost his brain?

A: Divorced.

Marriage Jokes - A Joke A Day - Funny Jokes

2011-01-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

By Julie from Unknown

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

Drinking Jokes - Funny Jokes

2011-01-06T06:20:00.000-08:00

By Anonymous from USA.

Two drunks are sitting elbow to elbow at a bar. "I wish I knew where I was going to die," Paul says.

"Why?" asks Tom

"Because if I knew I would not go there "Paul replied.

Golf Jokes - Funny Jokes

2011-01-05T06:20:00.000-08:00

By Anonymous from USA.

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into some other woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he'd noticed that the club pro had been watching. "What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

Cannibal Jokes - Funny Jokes

2011-01-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

By belinitatatata from USA

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.

This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

Computer Jokes - Funny Jokes

2010-11-29T23:21:00.000-08:00

By Arsen Vladimirsky from Chicago IL USA.

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...

· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.

· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

· All of your friends have an @ in their names.

· Your dog has its own home page.

· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."

· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.

· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

Hoss Rode USA - Funny Jokes

2010-11-28T23:21:00.000-08:00

By Rachel T. from Baton Rouge Louisiana USA.

Hoss rode into town to buy a bull. Unfortunately, when he bought it, he was left with one dollar.

Hoss needed to tell his wife to come with the truck and get the bull, but telegrams cost one dollar per word.

Hoss said to the telegram man,"OK. I have my one word-'comfortable'." Why do you want to tell her that?" asked the telegram man. "Oh, she's not the best reader," Hoss said. "She'll read it really slowly". (Com-for-ta-ble, get it?)

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain

2010-11-27T22:21:00.000-08:00

By Melanie P from Unknown

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:

Port Left

Starboard Right

A Joke A Day - Funny Jokes

2010-11-26T23:21:00.000-08:00

By Anonymous from USA.

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.

At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl's eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.

"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"

Signs Jokes

2010-11-25T01:13:00.000-08:00

By Mighty Mom from USA.

A sign posted in a Dentist's office said:

"Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too."

Some Women are Like...Dating Jokes

2010-11-17T21:38:00.000-08:00

Poop.
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Comets.
All are beautiful, but they are cold as ice.

Computers.
Everything is stored in long-term memory for easy retrieval later on.

Cats.
They are cuddly and playful, but watch out when their claws come out!

Parrots.
They love to repeat things.

A game of Scrabble.
Their vocabulary is endless and always in play.

Christmas Trees.
The more gifts they have, the merrier they become.

Giraffes.
They beautiful to look at, but hard to keep.

A Joke A Day - Funny Jokes

2010-11-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Airplane Entertaining Announcements - Funny Jokes

2010-11-07T06:20:00.000-08:00

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant

crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached

cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for

your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight

attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave

your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington

National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.

WHOA!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in

Memphis , a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please

take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a

landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will

descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull

it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,

secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with

more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Funny Jokes - 15 Police Comments

2010-11-06T06:21:00.000-07:00

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the

speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can

write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think

it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that

again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are

drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go

to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend

of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

It's my wife's first husband - Male Jokes

2010-11-02T22:40:00.000-07:00

When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away.

The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.

Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again. Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"

"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."

A Joke A Day - Funny Jokes

2010-10-31T21:30:00.000-07:00

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

Mricrosoft Computer Jokes - Funny Jokes

2010-10-25T06:20:00.000-07:00

Explanation of Microsoft computer messages

It says: "Press Any Key"

It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"

(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error

no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."

It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"

It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"

It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."

It means: "... However, if you put the CD in correct side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."

It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."

It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."

It means: ".... Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

divorce court Funny Jokes

2010-10-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.

The judge asks the baby bear; "do you want to live with papa bear?" The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. "

The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear!

The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?"

The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

Joke of the Day - Kids Jokes

2010-10-15T21:55:00.000-07:00

A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park.

His father impress by his son's kindness, gave him the dollar.

"There you are my son," said the father. "But, tell me, isn't the little lady able to work any more? "She sells candy" was the boy's reply.