Bridget'sBlog

Son of a Bitch

2012-10-16T15:42:00.001-05:00

I would say almost 90% of the women I know who have children my son's age have son's themselves. I'm hoping it's because finally a generation of women, can raise a generation of men who will achieve greatness. I'm not thinking president of the United States or even astronaut. I'm thinking socially aware and respectful of other human's rights. I'm not saying us women are without fault with some of the major issues plaguing society, in a lot of cases the narrow minded learn from the narrow minded. I have felt since I found out my child would be male that is my responsibility, and duty to raise him to do things a LOT of other men don't/can't/won't do. White men, generally speaking have an overwhelming sense of entitlement. When that is threatened they seem to get ugly. My job is to ensure my son understands we are all equal. Sex,Race,and Religion have no bearing on what kind of person you are. It is my job to make sure he isn't violent, particularly with women. It is my job to make sure he stands up for injustice,especially in the face of his own or other people's adversity. It is my job to teach him women with opinions,goals,careers and intelligence are not to be labeled as "bitch" or "PMSing". Boys need to see women who can take care of themselves, solve problems, and fix things. Whether that's dinner or a flat tire. My son will be raised in the south and by definition will see women, not as his equals, but as someone to have on your arm and give your name to. He will be taught by others, boys don't cry and that wearing pink is a sign that you like other men. This is already starting and he's only 3. It is the culture. The best I can do, at times, is expose him to actual culture. If he wants to wear pink, makeup, and listen to show tunes, I'll be okay with that. As long as he is a contributing member of society, with good manners, who doesn't blame his problems on anyone else. He will see a woman get angry and yell. He will see a woman stand up for herself and a father who respects that and encourages it. I can only hope our influence is enough. To the mom's of sons, Good Luck.

Proof of Life

2012-10-15T12:17:00.000-05:00

In remembrance, October 15th is National pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day

I guess to tell you about number 3, I have to begin in April of 2011. After Miscarriage number 2, I was referred to a specialist and had a blood panel ran to check for clotting disorders, those directly related to pregnancy and those indirectly related. The results took 4 weeks and we felt as though we had an answer. I had a genetic blood clotting disorder directly related to reproduction, known as PAI1. Placental Adhesion Insufficiency. Also had something else come back,MTHFR, which relates to folic acid production. I was put on 4mg of folic acid and 81mg of aspirin to combat said defects. I was told to try again and that, though they can't guarantee anything, that more than likely things were fixed and they didn't foresee any reason I would miscarry again. We waited 6 months to try again. In August, shortly after my son's second birthday I was pregnant. I was terrified and strangely hopeful, considering doctors had told me I'd be good to go after the aspirin and folic acid. We had a 6 week ultrasound, there was a baby, a beating heart, and a sense of relief that finally we were going to have another baby. Statistically there is a less than 5% chance of miscarriage after seeing a beating heart. We were moving into a bigger house, Alan had gotten a raise and we were sure the timing was perfect. We were excited for the first time since Lucas. September 6th or so the house fell through, September 14th I started spotting and went in for an ultra sound. There was no longer a heart beat. I felt like someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I was completely alone, Alan was out of town and I didn't really have anyone else nearby who could have come with. I finished with the ultrasound and walked down to my doctor's office while "All by Myself" played over the office radio and I cried and hugged the nurse. Since the baby wasn't leaving on her own I opted for a D&C. It was like deciding to put a dog down. It had to be done, but who wants to decide. I cried while I waited to go into surgery. When I woke up I was crying, I asked the nurse" Is the baby gone?" She replied, "Yes". I cried even harder. There wasn't anything I could do except cry. I wasn't angry, just sad. Probably the first time in my life I've just been sad and only sad. When I went 6 weeks later for my follow up I was told to just wait and that maybe "this wasn't my year for a baby". The beginning of 2012, I decided I could not let fear of the known, or unknown stop me from having what I want and dream of for my family. But that's a story for another time. I am attaching a picture, the onyl picture I have of my loss. It was taken at our 6 week ultrasound.

I'm a racist,sexist and I never knew.

2012-10-08T11:04:00.001-05:00

It occurred to me the other day that while I consider myself tolerant and liberal in most aspects of my life when it comes to race and sex I'm a little backwards and archaic. I have worked legally since the age of 15. As soon as I was legally allowed to work 40 hours, I did. Which, I suppose, is where my intolerance stems from. I have issues with white men. Specifically white men who have been afforded every opportunity to advance and don't cease them. I think men should be able to care for themselves and not have to be taken care of, at least financially. Now in that same breath there are men who do contribute, just not financially. They "man-up" and raise their family while their wife works. Commendable and forward thinking, it is not just women who are capable of it. It is not the "woman's place" to stay home, raise the children, and be the housekeeper. I have come into contact with many a male individual,that although they have no means in which to support a family financially, think it's the woman's place to care for the children and the household,and work. Is there some sort of delusional virus that makes white men think they should be catered to or is it years of being catered to that has somehow remapped their DNA? This is where I am a sexist. Men shouldn't wear jeans skinnier than mine. They should frequent a hair or nail salon more than I do. Their hair should not take longer to coif than mine. They should be able to kill spiders,and take out the trash. I am capable of all of these things, I do them regularly, but not all men do. You should be able to help with lawn care and take pride in your living space. Your appearance is secondary to women's. You will most likely look good with little to no effort. Botox, waxing? Why is this the new advancements in manhood. You don't have to own guns and pick-up trucks. But if you live with your momma and drive a Mercedes, you may want to reevaluate your priorities. White men, at birth are at an advantage, yet they don't see it as that. They have never had to fight for the privilege to use a public restroom, sit at the front of the bus, get fair wages, or vote. It was their birthright. They are guilty of hand outs in a way most of us can't understand. While there are men who work hard to succeed, white men don't usually have any other obstacles to conquer. They don't have to worry about being harassed at work or people who won't give them a real handshake because they're "too delicate" They're almost always taken seriously and rarely questioned. If in a management position subordinates are far more likely to listen to a white male than a black man or a woman. I know this is not all men, white or otherwise. But this is the state of our generation. The women are more educated, better looking, and not afforded as many advantages or opportunities as white men. Mothers, fathers, it's our job to show our sons what everyone is capable of and help them achieve their goals and not stand idly by as they coast through life. We have a generation of males who don't want to work for a living. They want to make money with no effort and we as a society have shown them this is possible. We have to get our men to "man" up.

Strange days..

2012-10-02T22:26:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about where I thought I'd be in life by 30. I am positive that 15 years ago, I did not see my life as is. At 15, I was new to Tennessee and obviously not thinking about marriage, mortgages or children. I remember being homesick and felt like I didn't belong. No one understood, people literally asked me if I spoke English. I felt like a square peg, I can relate to that young girl more now than ever. I live in a middle to upper middle class neighborhood with my husband and son. I am an indentured servant, of sorts, and I am still trying desperately to relate to people on foreign terms, in this case, motherhood. Nowadays, it isn't enough to keep them dry, safe and warm, you have to do it organically, BPA free, and with security systems. The first year of L's life, I probably could have written books on my methods of awesomeness, he slept through the night, rarely cried, and transitioned easily. Having now a preschooler, with wants,dislikes,and mood swings, makes me feel like I am failing. It isn't as simple as being able to rock an infant or sooth an upset tummy. Now the real fears begin and personalities develop. I am still astonished by the fact that he can be so demanding on my time, energy, and my "self". The first year of his life he was agreeable and happy. But as I send him more out into the world on a regular basis, without me, I become overwhelmed by what his behavior says about me as a person. Even though he is becoming his own person I see some of my worst attributes in him, and it makes me ashamed I wasn't able to hide it better. Everything from a bad temper to bad habits are revealed or mirrored by our children. Often times I think parents underestimate what they are "silently" teaching their children. The thought of my personality negatively affecting my son, whether it be directly or indirectly, breaks my heart. It feels like a failing on his behalf. Inadvertently teaching him to scream out of frustration will ultimately reflect poorly on him in the long run, and me. Every time I release him into the world I feel like people will not see him for the smart, silly, kid he is, but for the insane over dramatic, short tempered mother he has. It's like I am letting my brain be displayed for people to gawk at all day. It is by far one of the most bizarre feelings ever. To have someone else's actions reflect who you are as a person. I would like to pass on my creativity and sense of humor, not my temper and insecurity. I'm sure I'm not alone in all of this, feeling inferior I think comes with motherhood sometimes, feeling defeated and showing them how to bounce back isn't something we learn about in books. It's something we are shown from our parents. I hope that even if I teach him how to burp louder than anyone in the room, That he learns to laugh more than yell. Hug more than hit and love more than hate.

Quatro

2012-05-07T20:36:00.001-05:00

The beginning of 2012 I decided to bite the bullet and try one last time. We had waited 6 months and got pregnant in February. The same weekend I tested positive, I started spotting at work. I couldn't even get the words "I'm losing another one" out of my mouth and made a ridiculous, hyperventilating ,crying scene in front of half of my coworkers. I never went back to work. Within a week the miscarriage had gone into full swing and I became violently ill. I called to make an appointment for my Rhogham shot. Which I have to receive after every birth or loss, due to being RH negative. My blood type is O Negative. Any woman with a negative blood type has the "RH" Factor. Anyways, My doctor at the time's nurse was out, so another nurse returned my call. I had had 4 miscarriages with my doctor and her nurse and neither of them ever sounded as concerned as this nurse, Emily, did. I changed doctors shortly after. So far we have done an HSG test, a progesterone test, cervical culture and countless blood-work. I spoke to Dr. Yu more in one visit than in 15 months with Dr. Driver. Number four made me angry, if I were 10 years older I would have been treated with everything in their arsenal and given every test known to man. I was also told how unusual 4 miscarriages in a row are. I suspect it's because most other medical professionals intervene before that can happen. I feel more hopeful and yet daunted by the results as they come back and the higher my risk gets with each result. I hope if you're reading this and are going through something similar this inspires you to share your story. The isolation and shame that is attached to reproductive challenges and infertility needs to be wiped out. We need to reach out and share, knowing you're not alone is extremely comforting.

My Titanic

2012-05-07T15:33:00.001-05:00

I guess to tell you about number 3, I have to begin in April of 2011. After Miscarriage number 2, I was referred to a specialist and had a blood panel ran to check for clotting disorders, those directly related to pregnancy and those indirectly related. The results took 4 weeks and we felt as though we had an answer. I had a genetic blood clotting disorder directly related to reproduction, known as PAI1. Placental Adhesion Insufficiency. Also had something else come back,MTHFR, which relates to folic acid production. I was put on 4mg of folic acid and 81mg of aspirin to combat said defects. I was told to try again and that, though they can't guarantee anything, that more than likely things were fixed and they didn't foresee any reason I would miscarry again. We waited 6 months to try again. In August, shortly after my son's second birthday I was pregnant. I was terrified and strangely hopeful, considering doctors had told me I'd be good to go after the aspirin and folic acid. We had a 6 week ultrasound, there was a baby, a beating heart, and a sense of relief that finally we were going to have another baby. Statistically there is a less than 5% chance after seeing a beating heart. We were moving into a bigger house, Alan had gotten a raise and we were sure the timing was perfect. We were excited for the first time since Lucas. September 6th or so the house fell through, September 14th I started spotting and went in for an ultra sound. There was no longer a heart beat. I felt like someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I was completely alone, Alan was out of town and I didn't really have anyone else nearby who could have come with. I finished with the ultrasound and walked down to my doctor's office while "All by Myself" played over the office radio and I cried and hugged the nurse. Since the baby wasn't leaving on her own I opted for a D&C. It was like deciding to put a dog down. It had to be done, but who wants to decide. I cried while I waited to go into surgery. When I woke up I was crying, I asked the nurse" Is the baby gone?" She replied, "Yes". I cried even harder. There wasn't anything I could do except cry. I wasn't angry, just sad. Probably the first time in my life I've just been sad and only sad. When I went 6 weeks later for my follow up I was told to just wait and that maybe "this wasn't my year for a baby". The beginning of 2012, I decided I could not let fear of the known, or unknown stop me from having what I want and dream of for my family. But that's a story for another time.

Bereavement, apparently only working people get a paid day off for it.

2012-05-04T20:10:00.001-05:00

In honor of International Bereaved Mother's Day,I have decided to share my stories of loss and hopefully bring comfort to someone suffering. The second miscarriage was blurry and in a small way expected. I remember very little about it. But I will try to recount my experience. It was the end of February 2011. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but we weren't making large strides in opposition either. We had and still have a pretty organic approach to conception. If it happens, Great, if not, eventually. I know now, getting pregnant is the easy part for me, carrying a baby to term has never occurred. I remember Lucas had a cold and I got one too. I'm not sure if it was me being sick or taking better care of my son than myself that did it this time, but less than 4 days after I got a positive result, I miscarried. What does that even mean? "Miscarriage" It implies I did something to jeopardize it, as in literally miss carried my child. Like leaving a newborn in a car or dropping a baby on his/her head. Nature clearly has a different plan for my reproductive system and I personally didn't do anything to cause it. It is so frustrating having issues with reproduction. As teens, we were warned daily about getting pregnant and ruining our futures. As if getting pregnant and having a baby were somehow our choice. Like you can have a baby it's so easy you should go to great lengths to stop it from happening. Then we get married, get mortgages and want someone else to sit at the table with us, to watch movies with us, and it just isn't as easy as it said in the brochures. I ma very fortunate to have been able to have a child, not all women are that lucky. But I always assumed if I could have one, 2 or even 3 would be feasible and the further I get into my quest the more hopeless it all seems, but I guess that, too is a story for a different day. Next I'll talk about my Titanic and how I'm still surviving it.

The Beginning of my grief.

2012-05-04T19:36:00.000-05:00

I have decided with Mother's bereavement day on Sunday that I would share each individual story of my losses. Documenting that these lives existed validates my grief,as well as, gives comfort to other mourners who remain silent sufferers like so many of us. If you are reading this and have suffered loss please understand there is a plan,there is comfort and there is hope. All of these are difficult to achieve and remember. I struggle every day with my faith, but know God has shown me the alternative and I have been humbled. His power is unquestionable even though our faith is faltering, we must Trust in the Lord. If you are suffering from infertility,Get a good doctor and no when enough is enough. Another due date has come and gone and I still feel the rawness of the loss. I have lost 4 pregnancies. We'll start with the first in November of 2010. I remember when I first had the positive result the trepidation I felt. We were planning to add on to our family but we got pregnant so fast I was freaked. I had my IUD(worst decision I ever made)removed October 8th? and by Halloween I was pregnant. Big, fat, unexpected positive. We weren't financially on our feet yet and our insurance I think still sucked.I knew with this pregnancy I wanted to get a different doctor, considering my first pregnancy wasn't exactly textbook. When I asked my previous doctor what we'd do differently if I were to conceive, her response was "Nothing". Considering the "trauma" I had gone through with my son,That answer was just purely unacceptable. So I found a new doctor that was recommended by my mother's work colleagues. So the positive test happened and within 2 weeks I had my first prenatal appointment. I went in took a urinalysis and the tech told me " You're not pregnant" I was devastated and sent to sit in the waiting room while I guess, they penciled me in to see the doctor. I would have killed for a private waiting room, sunglasses and a tissue. I was there a long time and the conclusion was, it was early in the pregnancy and they'd do blood work to confirm. In hindsight now, I should have known. Low HCG levels can be a sign of miscarriage, but at the time I had no reason to suspect one. It only took once to get knocked up, surely with that type of fertility I was good to go. I left the doctor and bought an obscene amount of pregnancy tests all of which came back positive. My gloom had turned back to glow and excitement and bedding selection was on. It was the morning of the November 29th, I woke up got in the shower washed my nether regions and saw blood. I knew instantly and curled up and cried in the shower. I went in for more blood work, this time to confirm a miscarriage. 48 hours between each draw and no one was telling me what was going on. I should have known then the doc was not for me and to move on, But I suppose that's a story for different day.

History repeats itself.

2012-03-24T23:19:00.000-05:00

I'm not quite sure where to begin this one. I found out about 10 days ago that I was pregnant. Typically most women would rejoice. I however found excitement a hard emotion to muster. The only emotion I could manage was terror and for good reason. I have had 3 miscarriages in less than a year and didn't want to add another to the list. The last one leveled me. About a week after my positive test I had a dream about being pregnant and delivering a baby girl. Immediately after she was born she was rushed away from me and into surgery and I felt anguished. Shortly after the surgeon came into my room and told me she hadn't made it. I watched myself from a far, fall apart. Instead of waking up in bewildered tears, I woke up with an overwhelming sense of understanding. No matter how painful the losses I've suffered have been they would never add up to the anguish I felt in those few seconds of a dream. Holding a child and losing a child is more horrendous a feeling than the "idea" of one. A few days later I started to miscarry, I knew it was inevitable and this time I feel strangely underwhelmed by it. I feel like God showed me in the dream that he was protecting me from a worse kind of pain. The pain of knowing a child and losing one. He let me feel it in my dream and then took it away. I will have to go through further testing to determine why I've had 4 miscarriages in a row. I plan on trying one more time after a cause is found. If I'm not meant to have more than one than so be it. One of the hardest things about all of this is not being able to give my son a sibling or my husband another child. That makes me cry. I do not want to leave my son alone one day without his parents. I want him to have a brother or sister. I don't know what I'd do without mine and it breaks my heart that I might not be able to give him that.

Moving on

2012-02-07T11:49:00.000-06:00

My husband and I bought a house, we've been living in it for almost 3 months. It seems bizarre to both of us. We had made offers on 5 houses total, 3 of which were accepted. Two of the houses had lots of damage and we terminated the contracts pretty close to the 13th hour. The first one had a cracked foundation that wasn't disclosed until we were balls deep. The second had extensive hail damage which was discovered after the inspection, when we asked them to fix it they said "Hells no" Or something like that. I was devastated. I am convinced losing that house was a contributing factor to the loss of the last pregnancy. What started as a 2 week layover at my Mother-in-laws house has turned into a 12 week, no end in sight,control freaks nightmare. Living with Alan's mom isn't the bad part, it's living with people in general, although I shared a womb I think that's where it all stopped. Anyways,We have moved on up, so to speak. We have worked extremely hard to get what we have and now we're turning into "those people" The ones my mom warned me about. "Middle Class" Now, I've had my suspicions by the way people treat me at work that maybe some weird metamorphosis happened while I was mothering my child. People already think I'm probably more than middle class. Mainly because they believe my husband is rich, since I can stay home with our son Mon-Fri. I've been told how rich he is on several occasions. I've now taken it to the next level and offer staff members free McDonald's from my in home restaurant. Juanita manages it for me and does great work. Apparently I'm also incapable of listening to rap music due to my prestigious lot in life. I had someone almost fall over when I told them I not only knew about rap, but listened to it and enjoyed it. If 10 years ago, make that 29 years ago, someone had told me someone would mistake me for a "rich" person I would have fell down laughing. But I'd like to give credit to my mom. She was raised in the projects, raised all 5 of us in the ghetto and no one would be able to tell. I think we're both terrified of status. Having, maintaining, and not conforming to it. We are not pretentious, we are genuine, and we are not interested in what others have. I think my sisters can attest to that. Our tube Television will be ours until it dies and then we'll probably find something second hand to replace it with. Hopefully not another tube though, time to move into the new century. I guess we're both just kind of nervous about our future. We're moving forward not just as husband and wife but as a family. Our choice to move was based almost solely on our sons future and his education. We probably won't ever keep up with the Jones' but I bet they'd wanna come kick it with us. Just saying..

Things I've learned from P-Pa

2011-11-02T20:46:00.000-05:00

In case you're wondering who/what a P-Pa is, let me explain.
P-Pa is the name given to my father by my niece Audrey. I loved it so much I kept it.
Now Lucas calls him that and I think it's by far the most suiting and adorable grandfather name. When asked how it was spelled, his answer was "P dash Pa like P-Diddy" Still gives me a giggle. I have compiled a short list that will, I'm sure, continue to get longer as my child gets older. Mostly written from Lucas' perspective

1. Coloring with markers requires always returning the caps.
2. Munchkins are the best breakfast man can make in a hurry.
3. Feeding ducks is super fun bonding experiences.
4. Love means sharing your white chocolate Kit-Kat, even if the person you're sharing it with not only doesn't appreciate it but, doesn't eat it.
5. Every day is another chance to get it right.
6. Redemption is ongoing.
7. Crackers and cheese are kinda the best
8. Backiotomy
9. Playing with toys can be not only fun, but similar to a soap opera on the right day.
10. You're never too old

Man oh Man, Men!

2011-10-18T14:29:00.000-05:00

I figured I'd write something that had nothing to do with babies. I have been working again almost every Saturday and Sunday since the beginning April. Anywhere from 16 to 30 hours in 2 days. It's not that impressive feat but it can be exhausting. Monday through Friday,I get up every morning at 6am, go pretty much non-stop until around 7pm when Lucas goes to bed, and then hang out with my husband for a couple hours and then go to bed and repeat. Since I started working, I also got a house ready to sell, put on the market, sold and have been feverishly house hunting. So when I go to work and deal with the public, I'm typically less than enthused. Especially since it took me 2 years to get a job where weekends weren't part of the job description and about 3 years to get right back to working every weekend.
I work in a tool store, where I sell tools to tools. I am a woman, who is fairly attractive and working in a hardware store. Guess what? Men still think women are idiots! Not all men and not all the time, but some of them will either ask you a question and when they don't care for the response will ask if there is a man around to help them. Some will even just ask from jump street for a guy. Now to be fair, there are things I do not know, as many human beings, I am human and barring Alex Trebec, no one knows "Everything". However, as a little girl, I learned to do minor body work on an old 57 Chevy,use various woodworking tools, change oil, and how to spackle. My husband has also taught me things about solar energy, physics and different uses for various tools. I also am fairly intelligent, so some things can generally be figured out with a little bit of logic and slight working knowledge about "home improvements" I can think of loads of men who have completely discounted my accurate opinion/advice. For example, I had a customer, who was male, ask if a 12v lithium ion cordless screwdriver would be more powerful than an 18v drill. I said "No, an 18v drill is more powerful than a 12v anything, especially a screwdriver." His initial response was. " Even with the lithium ion battery?" "Yes sir, a battery won't improve voltage, it just means your battery will last longer." He then responded, "Is there a guy who can help me?" "Certainly sir" So I walkied for a "guy" who told him the same thing I did. AMAZING!! Now if this were the only time it had happened I'd be like one ignorant man, oh well. Except it happens at least one of the 2 days I work, every weekend.

I may not know what some things do or even what they are, but I will try my best to get someone to help you. There are even men in my store who do that and even ones who ask ME about things. I may not rebuild engines for a living, I'm not a licensed electrician or a structural engineer. But I do know the difference between SAE and Metric, that you can't leave live wires exposed, and that if you don't know what a hydraulic bottle jack looks like, you shouldn't attempt to use one to jack your house up.

2011-09-27T20:27:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure the last time I felt like I had this little control over my life, I was a teenager. I have this urge to go home but the inability to do that, seeing as I sold my home 3 weeks ago or so. Today, was trying, to say the least. I feel as though it's just a day in a long line of many. On Sunday, I walked out on my job. I walked out, left my purse and car keys. If I had had a better destination than my makeshift home I would have walked there. I would have walked for days. It made sense at the time. I only live a mile or so from work. Not a long walk, but unsettling for me. I was 16 the last time I walked out on a job. The circumstances for walking out were similar. I was pushed too far and am fragile. But this time I am an adult and felt it to be ridiculous. I had a mental collapse and haven't recovered. I live in my world where if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. Quite literally. I wish it wasn't the case, but it is. I have a feeling no one would notice I was gone until they got home and there wasn't any dinner, or until they ran out of clean socks. I feel expendable in a strange way. I'm currently impossible to live without and with. I've never felt so lost, desperate, or backed into a corner. The only thing I'm certain of is my lack of certainty.

Grief is a motherFer.... for everyone else

2011-09-23T15:54:00.000-05:00

There is so much to discuss and such little opportunity to do so. Since the most news coverage I watch these days happens to be on Sesame Street, I think I'll stick with what I know. I have long thought that the reason some people are able to make parenting look easy is because they've had few trials that have made it difficult. They are more than likely financially secure, close to family, and the worst thing that may come their way is an annoying neighbor or a speeding ticket. We are all not that fortunate. Some of us, after having children come close to financial ruin, move further away from family, and have lost not only loved ones but in some cases our sanity. There is very little planning we can do for most of life. Saving money sometimes isn't enough to promise financial security. The complicated birth of a child can bankrupt families. Jobs move us in opposite direction of family, thus taking away support and ultimately leading to the loss of sanity. Loved ones pass, such is life. The only thing we have control over in life is our reaction to it. How well we handle the day to day. Our society expects us to jump back up AS SOON as we're knocked down. The "get over it" or "suck it up" philosophy, makes grieving and struggling with mental illness seem like a heavy burden we must bare alone in darkness and silence. We're told "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" But I don't believe that accounts for the pieces of us that die along the way. For the woman who isn't able to bear a child and wants nothing more, she may not physically die from it, but emotional deadness is very real. We all take for granted our emotional livelihood. We have all met people who aren't able to connect with others emotionally. Are they the "strong" ones? Can we as a society really try to disconnect ourselves from the main thing that separates us from other animals? I am writing about parenting and emotional deadness because as a parent who has gone through personal struggle unrelated and related to my children I find the ability to pick myself up by my bootstraps increasingly difficult. No one tells you that keeping a stiff upper lip for your kids when all you wanna do is crawl under a rock and slip into a coma, is not only difficult but at sometimes impossible. How do you keep yourself together for them when all you wanna do is fall apart. How are you supposed to teach them to be emotional beings and not show them how hard life can be before they need to know? I have struggled with being "strong" almost to the point of incapacitated. I have laughed in cases where I wanted to cry and smiled when I wanted to yell. Our society condones this. I am condemning it. I have been complacent with my emotional well being and have suffered alone for too long. I'm going to make people uncomfortable with my grief and I wanna be ok with that. I wanna be able to talk openly about pain without trying to change the subject. I am my own worse critic. I write about emotional things in blogs because I can disconnect myself from it. I do the same thing talking about it. I disconnect myself from it. I don't go through, I go around it. I can remember being 9 years old and telling my best friend and her mom that my grandmother had died. The entire time I was jumping up and down and practicing cheer-leading jumps. How strange. I still handle grief much the same, by not handling it at all. I disconnect myself and tell myself it is someone Else's pain to bear. It's not that I don't get sad or mourn, I'm just not sure I do it in the quintessential way. I'm not sure I allow myself. I have to wonder whether it's because of my upbringing or societies standards of social behavior or maybe I'm a sociopath.

I'm sure Vienna waits for me, I'm not sure it's here on Earth

2011-09-19T22:23:00.003-05:00

This time about 3 years ago, I lost my job. It was the first time I had ever been fired and it was hard. I was depressed drank a lot and spent 4 months job hunting with no success. When the Christmas season rolled around I decided to take time off from my job hunt. I spent almost a month in Washington state with my twin sister and my niece and shortly before I left my new nephew. On January 4th of 2009 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Bewildered and excited, I told anyone who would listen. I remembering waking Alan up to tell him. me: "Al, remember how we talked about remodeling?" Him: "what?" Me: "Do you think we could have it done in 9 months?" Him: "Huh? I don't know." Me:" I'm pregnant" Him: "I haven't even had my coffee yet" I remember it quite clearly he looked terrified and in disbelief. In the year following that we would lose my grandparents a close friend and financial security. Lucas tried to make an appearance 10 weeks before his due date and I spent 3 weeks in the hospital praying I could keep him in long enough for him to be able to breathe on his own. Before I became a mother I felt like I was failing, In most cases the easiest part about being a mother is just keeping them safe in your womb for 40 weeks. I was not able to do that. We decided around this time last year to add another to our family. I had my IUD removed and within 2 weeks I was pregnant. It was faster than either of us expected and again I announced to him we were expecting. On Halloween our conversation went something like this. Me: I'm pregnant Him: You get pregnant too easy Me: Glad you're excited By the End of November I had lost that baby at 6 weeks I was due July 24th. We were told to wait a couple months before trying again, so we did. The next time instead of telling him and having his ridiculous reaction I decided to leave the test where he could see it and let him think before reacting. He came in and held me and kissed me it was the reaction I had envisioned the other 2 times. Within a week I miscarried at 5 weeks, that baby will be due November 4th. I know that if the last miscarriage was any indication I will cry myself to sleep that night. After the last loss, I was sent to a specialist. After doing some tests doctors had discovered a blood clotting disordered that helped explain Lucas' early arrival and our 2 losses. But we would find out this diagnosis was not a silver bullet. We decided to take time off from even thinking about having another one. We wanted to get our house sold, buy a new one and pay off debt. We have sold our house and our currently in limbo waiting to find the right house. Our debt is getting closer to paid off. So, when I discovered I was pregnant in August it felt like all of our ducks were in a row and that this was going to be the new addition. I left on my lunch break to tell Alan. Me: Remember that plan we've been working on? Alan: Yea. Me: Well looks like it's all go. Alan: Really?! Cool. I still remember the smile on his face, It's one of his best. We had a 6 week ultrasound. There was a baby with a heartbeat and relief that we were really going to have a baby. The risk of miscarriage wasn't gone but greatly reduced. Yesterday, I went in for another ultrasound. This one was to confirm another miscarriage. There was no more beating heart, just a lifeless slightly bigger baby than there was 2 weeks ago. I am 8 weeks along and was due April 23rd. I thought seeing an empty sac was one of the saddest things ever, I was so very wrong. I was told that the baby had grown since the last ultrasound but that there was no longer a beating heart. Friday instead of closing on our dream house, I will be having a D&C. We were told to take a break from trying and I don't have faith we will ever have another one. Mainly because I can't lose another baby I'm not sure what plan is in store for me, but at this stage of the game I think I'm maxed out on character building experiences. For those of you who are followers, I am taking a break from Facebook and the OVER abundance of expectant mothers. Feel free to share my blog on your pages. There are millions of people who are struggling with having children. If sharing helps someone, by all means. I am not currently able to speak about this, typing enables a safe distance. Comment or email if you'd like, but I'd like to discourage calls at this time. I started this post last week. I had a completed D&C Friday September 16th.

On the road again

2011-06-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

I remember meeting her and thinking, "she's not very friendly". It was at Alan's best friend, Micheal's graduation party and she just sat across the room from everyone talking to her sister. Her name was Erin and she was Micheal's girlfriend. We had met a couple times between then. Once when Alan told me Michael and Erin were headed to our apartment for dinner about 5 minutes before the 3 of them showed up. I don't think she liked my spaghetti and by this point I thought she was a world- class snob. She wasn't outgoing and she didn't ever seem to be enjoying herself. But Alan kind of insisted I not be too quick to judge. He talked me into going on a double date, which was a dinner cruise on the General Jackson. I wasn't looking forward to it. After a couple awkward minutes and several Sex on the beaches later. We were drunk laughing and building a friendship. I didn't know it then, over 7 years ago, that she'd be such a precious friend. We have since shared plenty of drinks and dances and laughs and I'm sure, a couple of tears in there. Erin and I have seen lots of "life" in the past 7 years. Whether it was our weddings or our late night escapades or her several moves around the nation! When I was in the hospital waiting for Lucas she was the only non-family member to visit me. To this day I'm not sure she knows how much that meant to me. She was there when I was at my loneliest and most terrified and made me laugh through it all. She has seen me at my lowest point and highest. She understands my beliefs and respects them, as I do hers. She was the person I told when I was pregnant and when I wasn't anymore. She's one of the best friends a girl could ask for. She has traveled Europe and should make it to all 50 states by 30. She's a teacher and has I think 3? degrees. She's educated and beautiful inside and out! She is soul-searching at a furious pace and soon will be in Denver on another life course. She will hopefully one day find her contented and intended place in life.
Erin, I hope wherever life takes us we can always pick up where we left off. You are an inspiration and are no longer the shy or introverted person I thought you were. Life can be bumpy and it's the bumps in the road that help us appreciate the smoothness. The bumps are what mold us and prepare us for rougher roads ahead. Life was not intended to be easy and we are not always intended to be happy. The crappy stuff is an intricate part of our longevity. Always wear your seat belt, Don't TEXT and DRIVE, Pray continuously, Call your mother, and use a condom! I'll miss you lots!

A hiccup a day, will keep the doctor away.

2011-06-07T12:50:00.000-05:00

Is there anyone else out there that gets the hiccups? I'm not talking like a couple an hour or so, I'm talking 8 hours straight. As long as I can remember, when I get the hiccups it's for a long period of time. I had them almost daily while pregnant and Lucas usually had them inutero, within the last 3 weeks of his birth. This blog today is about some of the remedies that I've tried and some that I've just heard about.

1.Thinking of a purple elephant. I am not making this up, it actually did work once and never since.

2.A spoonful of sugar. This may work but I think only on children under 5

3.Having someone scare you. I think this another one time only situation

4.Holding your breath. This has never worked for me!

5.Inhaling and swallowing while you hold your breath. ?

6.Put your fingers in your ears.

7.Drinking water

8.Gargling water

9.Pulling on your tongue. Good Luck

10.Breathing into a paper bag

11.Get tickled, literally.

12. Take an antacid

13.Plug your ears with your thumbs, your nose with you index fingers and use your pinkies to pick up and drink a glass of water. This sounds complicated, but it is the only thing that will get rid of them for me.

I know we all have our own method, I really would love to hear yours and try them. So what's your hiccup remedy

Distance makes... me sick to my stomach

2011-06-07T12:31:00.000-05:00

My life has taken many twists and turns. I have somehow always managed to stay pretty fortunate and none of those twists or turns have been too devastating. One of the turns my life has unexpectedly taken is the distance between me and my siblings, specifically my sisters. I am the youngest of five. Frank is the oldest and lives in PA with his lovely wife. Sean,second, lives in Ireland close to his other family. We have Megan in New Jersey with her son and hubby. Betsy is currently in AL with her 2 children and hubby, awaiting graduation when they will return to Washington state. I am in TN, with Alan and Lucas. Growing up we were all mostly close, most of the time. About 14 years ago, my parents, me and my sisters moved to Nashville. It was shortly after that we all decided living far away from people we knew was terrible and traumatic. I believe we even vowed not to do it again. Anyways, the distance between us got me thinking about family in general. Having my own family is far different from the unit I started from. They went from primary to secondary so rapidly, I hardly noticed a change. Part of growing up, is growing apart whether that be in miles, years, or emotions, it happens and we rarely notice it has. Years and emotional growth sometimes puts a healthy distance between people. You mature and can maybe even get better acquainted. Distance, to me, seems to be the most unfortunate part of growth. I still want to be around people, but do to scheduling,finances or any other number of reasons, we can't be together. With distance, we tend to have an out of sight/ out of mind mentality and assume when reunited it will be with the same person we saw 6 months ago. But it isn't always the case, life chisels out "character" regularly. When seperated from your closest family there is a tendency to cleave to any family you can find. Kind of like a DIY support system. But somehow it always looks better in the box than it ever will out of it. Nothing will ever substitute or replace the real thing. Growing up I think we all pictured living close together, our kids going to the same school and family barbecues on weekends. I can say with certainty none of us ever expected to barely know our nieces or nephews. No matter how much time passes it just gets harder. Knowing you're missing out on this or they're missing out on that. I somewhat accepted many years ago albeit, begrudgingly, that the life I dreamed of for myself and my family, may never come into fruition. I struggle with this regularly, but realize it isn't necessarily where we're all meant to be. We have to do what's best for our individual family units. If work leads us to a foreign country or different state, we have to make the best choice for our family. Regardless of what we want for ourselves.
For my sisters, I know Life will take us to many locations, some near and some far. But life can never take you guys out of my heart. You will always be the women I aspire to be and the people I want to be the closest to, geographically and emotionally. Life will only take us where we're meant to go, remember that on those tough days. We hopefully, someday, won't just be interruptions in each others lives. I want my son to know what great people I learned all of my dumb jokes from and where I learned my family values. You are all (brothers included) my favoritest people and I wish I could be around you all more permanently.

Rough times, could be rougher

2011-06-05T20:50:00.000-05:00

I am a stay-at home mom. This was a choice my husband and I made together. We carefully scrutinized are financial situation prior to definitively deciding to start a family. Deciding to start a family meant sacrifice. Growing up there was lots of it. Being the youngest of 5 had some disadvantages. We didn't always have heat or hot water for showers or even much food. We got by, my parents both worked and seemed unable to always makes ends meet. I always resented that, even today I do. But they sacrificed time with us and "the finer things", so that we could have an education. We may not have had much in our lunch boxes but we were among the smartest kids in our class. Some days I wonder if they had had the means, what could we have become? I promised myself that as soon as I could make my own money, I would NEVER be in the situation that I was as a child. Cold and Hungry. Becoming a mother has changed some of this for me.
People assume that since I'm stay at home that my husband makes beaucoup $$, that is not the case, at all. He does well, but we're not living the high life. We both realized that what was important to us was someone being there to raise our children, whether it was him or me, it would be one of us. He has more earning potential so he works. I will be honest giving up an income contribution was and is still difficult and somedays it's hard for me to see the bigger picture. I, up until about 4 years ago had always earned more annually then my husband, Alan. We cut our cable and cell service down to minimum, and anything else that could be cut. We saved and remodeled our house and saved some more. We were "prepared" for a family. Then the unthinkable happened, our son Lucas came early. I was on bedrest in the hospital for 3 weeks hooked up to an IV and/or monitor for most of that time. That was the first time I understood sacrifice. What I was willing to give up or do to keep him safe. I laid there not being allowed to get out of bed , unless to shower or use the bathroom, for 3 weeks. My sacrifice paid off, he was healthy and perfect. Unfortunately,three weeks in a hospital ain't cheap! So we sacrificed more. He needed surgery to correct a birth defect and we sacrificed more. We have begun to really immerse ourselves in the idea of going without. We also realized that preparaion won't ever make you prepared. We ate through savings before he was 6 months old and have been living paycheck to paycheck since. My parents have been tremendously helpful at keeping us afloat, whether it's hiring me to clean their house or buying diapers more often than neccessary. They do it, because for once they can give their kids what they couldn't before a "better" life. They continue to sacrifice so we can have better. I have learned from being a parent that money may not always be plentiful, but that's not the things kids need in surplus!

We're all here for a reason.

2011-06-05T20:37:00.000-05:00

My sister has been doing research on my paternal grandparents. The person that intrigues me the most is my Grandma. Her name was Margaret she was born on Halloween and I was 9 when she died. She was my favorite person ever. She took me places, bought me stuff and had pretty jewelry. She had 3 brothers who all fought in WWII and she walked with a cane. These are the things I knew about her.She took Betsy ,my twin sister, to church with her all the time.
The things I've learned about her, she spoke French. Not just like "I took French in high school", but fluently. She was raised by Catholic nuns (or something close to that) She was hit by a tractor trailer while walking across the street. This I had known. What I hadn't known, She was pushing my aunt in a stroller when she was struck and thrown several feet. My aunt was scraped up but miraculously ,ok. She was told she would never walk again (which she did) and also that she would not be able to have anymore children(which she did). She had already had my Aunt's, Pat and Kate, but my father would not be conceived until over 10 years later.
Which brings me to the point of this story. We are all destined to be here. We are put here to alter people's lives. If my father had never been born, there are 5 AWESOME people who wouldn't be here either. There is a less than 20% chance monthly of 2 individuals conceiving. After conception there is a 35% chance that pregnancy will end in miscarriage. These statistics also greatly vary by a woman's age at time of conception, race,and genetic predisposition. In other words, it is nothing short of a miracle that any of us end up here at all. We are all somehow hand picked to roam this Earth. No matter what our "lot in life" is, it's important. Givers, takers, we're all necessary. This world would not be the same without each and every one of us. Especially my dad. I just wanted everyone to know that.

The house that built us.

2011-06-05T20:27:00.000-05:00

We moved to our house roughly 5 years ago. Our plan was to be here for about 3. The market crashed and we got pregnant so we stuck it out. We renovated "slightly". It was about a 6 month project that we undertook after learning I was pregnant. Basically, all but 2 rooms in our 7 room home were altered in some way. "We" Moved walls,added closets, painted,refinished floors and put in a dishwasher. It was actually pretty extensive now that I think about it. Alan worked constantly on it, all the while I drove him harder to get it done. Of course in hindsight I now know my body was telling me we only had 7 months not 9. Anyways, we worked so hard to make it a home. We've taken pride in it and made it beautiful. We have decided to sell it to move near better schools. While neither of us feel we "over-improved", we're listing at "cost" We will more than likely not make any money on it. Which, I can say was not my intention to begin with. I didn't think a 3 bedroom ranch near the airport was going to put me on easy street. But it would be nice to make a down payment on our next house. I have to wonder if we had known then what we know now, would it have made a difference? Probably not. It was and is a beautiful house and we have made it evenmore so. The life and family we have built here will be payment enough. Our starter home started us out on a great foot. It has sheltered us from storms and been there through so much of a somewhat tumultuous tenure. We have welcomed life here and said goodbye here. Fought and made up. We've had pipes burst and AC/heating units stop in the dead of winter. Our first family dinners and first bath with our precious son, have all been within these walls. We watched his first steps here and celebrated his first birthday. It's the home we brought him to and the place he recovered after surgery. We learned about each other and how to be parents (mostly). There is so much love and joy in this house. It'll make me sad to see her go. But I take solace in the fact maybe another family will have their "firsts" here. Now, if we could just get someone to look at it.

You think you know...

2011-05-13T14:39:00.000-05:00

Just about 2 years ago I was filling out a registry for a baby shower. I researched and researched and researched. Found the safest carseat and crib, The latest "BPA" free bottles, which turned out to be glass. I felt like I had NO idea what I was doing. Not sure many people do at the beginning of a pregnancy. We just arm ourselves with as much information as humanly possible and hope for the best. The easiest part of being a parent, for most, is the first 40 weeks and delivery. You have control over what you put in your body and how much sleep you get. You can clean and prepare for the new arrival. No matter how many times people say "your life is about to change" they never truly convey to you what that means. EVERY aspect of your life changes. How you sleep, what you eat, going to the bathroom,what you watch, what you're willing to watch, how you're affected by what you watch. Think of the tiniest minute detail and it'll be changed. We blindly believe at first, we know what they're talking about, then the "alien invader" presents itself and you find yourself crying at anything and everything that has to do with children! Happy or sad, tears. It amazes me how someone so tiny can be such a huge guiding force in all that you do. Throughout our pregnancy and the first 6 weeks of our child's lives there is advice being flung at us from all directions. We are inundated with so much new information it's enough to shake the "unshakable". Around the time we really NEED it, voices silence and most of our well-meaning advisers disappear and we're left to our own devices. I think we get so hyped up on child-birth and the pains of labor that some of us get blind-sided by the little life at-large.Before they are even here our vocabulary starts to change. Within days of their arrival you find yourself wandering, at times aimlessly, down diaper aisles trying to make sense of sizes and "dry-max". We become decoders of diaper rashes and snot color. We learn where to find the best price on things like ointment and baby detergent. We go from carrying purses to diaper bags. For some music starts to sound like "noise", television is instantly too loud, at any volume and you realize you sound like your mother. You begin to long for days when something as simple as using the bathroom was, simple. Your life is no longer your own and every single decision you make is for them or to benefit them. What school, what neighborhood? Reading labels to make sure there isn't High fructose corn syrup or MSG. You become aware of an entirely new world you weren't "privileged" to before. Some elite cult, where maybe they told you about it before, but you wouldn't believe them. When a handmade slobber and scribble picture can change your whole day. Being so worried that you stay up all night, maybe watching them sleep. No one can ever prepare you for the connection you will feel with your own child.
Lucas will be 2 in August and I've learned more in those 2 years than I could have ever imagined. The crash course of life, literally. He tried to barrel his way through the door, 10 weeks early. He still has that same tenacity. I'm sure he always will. He almost always has a smile or a pleasant demeanor, unless he's hungry or tired. He knows exactly how to push my buttons. He'll dump all the dog food on the floor and then spin in a circle, as if he thinks it will help keep him out of trouble. Anything for a smile or laugh. He lights up rooms and has the most dazzling eyes. I always imagined, that my imagination could never do my child justice. I was right. He is so special and my heart aches with all the love I have for him. He is better than I ever could have imagined. Brilliant and beautiful and all mine. He loves to sing and dance and catch bugs. He lets me see the best parts of myself and reminds me I'm worthy of him. I hope one day I can reflect some of his light back at him when he's going through "the depths"

Children our the best things that can happen to us, Whether they are ours or not. They give us something we didn't even know we needed and are some of the best teachers of life, if we allow them to be. They take more energy than anything you will ever try to do. They require lots of love and affection but will return that to you sevenfold. Our present and future are permanently altered by their existence. I am truly blessed to have what I have and I must remember that.

My search for Me.

2011-04-06T13:04:00.000-05:00

I've been going through a strange period of my life, not unlike ones I've been through before. I over think so much of what I do and that hasn't been me for MANY years. With the exception of a few years here and there, I've always had a very clear image of who I was/am and how I wanted to represent myself as a person. The vision I have gets blurrier and harder to see everyday. ME gets blurred with so many other people it's a struggle to figure out where I end others begin. I am a mother,wife,sister,daughter,housekeeper,cook,dry cleaner and entertainer. I think of my life before now and It's hard for me to know whether things happened TO me that defined ME or whether what happened to those close to me defined me. Maybe it's a collection of everything that has molded me,however, I feel a sense of lacking. I'm not quite sure if I have original experiences to speak of or things I've done that our even interesting or at times,original jokes. I do feel a great amount of credit goes to my siblings and other family members for helping me become the person I am today but most days I'm not really sure who that is. The reason for this self doubt? Mostly I'm not sure. But a huge chunk of me thinks I let people who have no bearing on my life get under my skin.
Here's the deal. I started this blog for me. Not because I thought anyone wanted to listen but mainly because I needed to speak. I feel like I've spent most of my life being polite and not speaking up. This blog may not be grammatically correct, some people may have trouble following it. I'm all over the place and my thoughts sometimes only make sense to me. But this is one thing I am certain of, with all of my uncertainty. There are people out there who have been touched by something I've written and that in and of itself is enough for me. True there are run-on and dead end sentences but I'm ok with that. I'll get better and my "voice" will start to make sense to others. I also feel that if someone isn't entertained at the very least by what I write, than they shouldn't read it. If I make money writing this blog, great. If not, I've only invested time and a little of myself. I'm not looking to change the world at large, just simply mine. I'd like to thank those of you who support what I write and encourage me to speak. Thanks!

Bleck

2011-04-05T20:42:00.000-05:00

I am well aware that belief in any deity these days is not only unpopular but in most cases considered a faux pas. I decided that me believing in God is just as relevant/irrelevant as someone not believing in a higher power...

I've been thinking a lot about God lately. Not a topic I usually discuss with people. Due to recent events I have been forced to question God's intent. Since I have become a mother I no longer question his existence. Just his "methods". I am still on the fence as to whether God is loving and compassionate or a sadistic personal trainer. More on that in a moment.

I have had an "on again;off again" thing going with God for years and until most recently things had been going really well, until I encountered hardship. Whenever my life is turbulent I turn away from the one constant presence in it. What I've realized is that, not only do I tend to flight instead of fight, from God, but I have very little understanding, more so acceptance, when things don't go my way. With any relationship, it is normal and some believe healthy to disagree or get angry. But I always seem to disagree with the bad stuff and not the good stuff. As long as things are going the way I think they should, I'm good with God. I do believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Good and Bad, there's a reason. But to be perfectly honest, I am angry. I cannot understand my current situation. I have had 2 miscarriages in 5 months and I'm having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with the fact that life is ever taken for a reason.
If we recognize God as our personal trainer. We must also recognize that we cannot experience gain without loss. We are constantly being "conditioned" to handle life. Hardship and sorrow are just as important as joy. Are we to just accept that some things are out of our control? If we are able to "accept" it how do we make peace? Our resolve is constantly being tested and manipulated. When something is to hard to obtain is it because it isn't meant to be obtained? Or is our trial there to teach us for later? When faced with 2 miscarriages and the possibility that one child is all you'll be blessed with, do you just accept that? IS it because God thinks I only need one? Or is there something far more excruciating than the loss of 2 pregnancies on the horizon? Will tests reveal a crazy illness or defect? Or is this trial so I will learn to appreciate the here and now and what I have? Is there a gift on it's way that is even more remarkable than I can fathom? Maybe I am just so awesome at handling shit storms that God likes to send 'em my way.
I have been blessed with much more than has been taken away. I lose sight of that and focus on what I don't have or what is hard to obtain..Hardship and sorrow are just as important as joy. One cannot be recognized or appreciated without the other. So why do we dwell on the negative?
I think the only conclusion I've been able to come to is belief in anything only presents questions and very rarely answers.

For my Googleybear,

2011-02-08T11:59:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I've known him almost half my life. Saying that out loud is even stranger. There are few people outside of my family that I can say that about. In fact I believe there are about 2, him and his brother.

Mr. Hall will be 31 this week. I met him when he was 17. It was Halloween and I can't say I've ever seen anyone better looking. I knew then he'd be a big part of my life, but I didn't know in what way. He was somewhat of a playboy and pretty popular with the ladies. He kept his hair long, smoked cigarettes and drove an old car. We hung out and dated when he first started college. By then he was 18 and I ,16. It didn't last long as teenage relationships rarely do. However, 2 years later we ran into each other at a Pep Boys where he was working. He was just as good looking as ever. I still think of the first "times" we met with such great fondness. sigh We started dating a few months after that and have been together ever since, that was 10 and a half years ago.

No one to this day makes my heart flutter quite the way he does. He has seemingly gotten better looking and more intelligent every year. He has lost some of his boyish frivolity but I don't feel that to be a detriment to his character. He has always been amused simply and his smile and laugh are second only to our son. Who is somehow even better looking than his daddy.

He inspires me and others to better themselves. He is a protector,provider,and best friend. He is kind and loving. He's good to his momma and one of the best big brothers I've ever seen. He's a fantastic father and husband. He may never be able to master the art of "small talk" but I'm not sure I'd ever want him to. He is a straight shooter and finds bullshit hard to swallow and shovel. He probably won't ever be the guy to chat about sports, but he's always trying to learn about new things.

Alan you have been an intricate part of so many lives and you have given me more than you can ever imagine. I hope this year you can take comfort knowing, money and wealth will never measure a man. The wealth and strength of relationships will be worth much more in the end than any material possession. The kind of father, husband,brother,and son you are will be what people remember. The size of your heart matters much more than the size of your television. You are loved immensely.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!