Miss*matched Flip Flops

MIA

2012-07-04T23:52:00.001-05:00

I know I have been MIA for a couple days, I couldn't stand the thought of staring at the walls and thinking about everything, I didn't want to spend the holiday alone, albeit not a holiday like Christmas or thanksgiving but still a holiday, so I loaded up the kids, my sister n law, my nephew, and her friend Jody and we spent Saturday and Sunday at the river floating and swimming, as well as today. Monday and Tuesday were rough for me but i managed to get my house pretty well cleaned and some what organized. I did do each task for my 30 day challenge, I just didn't post about it, I figured that part would be ok if I missed. So I will be posting days 2 thru 7 in the next 2 days, so that my posting is all caught up. I have learned a lot and come face to face with many demons. I am accepting that, that Chapter of my life is closed for good, I do not want another chapter like that to be opened, I am going to focus on me. I have for a long time (since I was a lot younger) felt that I wasn't good enough for anyone, that I was worth any ones "real" love, and I thought that, that was why I never felt it; but in the last several days I have learned that for some of those that have passed through my life this feeling was true. I now see that it wasn't their lack of love, it was inability to allow someone to have that kind of control over me, the power to crush my entire world. This happened a few times in my past, the first was when I lost my grandmother (my one true best friend), she was everything to and for me, my rock, my shoulder, the voice of reason, everything. I had never at that time EVER loved anyone as much and as purely as I did her. She is the woman that showed me that when she couldn't be there I could turn to and trust in God. I wanted (still do) to be just like her, the epitome of love and kindness. The 1 person who I knew could love with every fiber of her being, and without condition, but I also saw what other people did not. The things I saw had more of an effect on me then I knew, actually to be completely honest I didn't think they had an effect at all until I started this challenge and really dug deep.

I have been to many counselors, therapist, psychologists, and I had heard the same thing. They all told me that my inner turmoil was a result of my father being absent my entire life (to this day). That I in some way had not come to terms with this and the anger I had towards him. I didn't accept that answer, I knew there was something else, something that not even they had figured out. When I talked about my father I didn't feel anger, or emptiness, or really anything. I am sure that there are feelings about him that I have buried that through this process of self discovery I will come face to face with and have to put to rest, but it was something more and they couldn't give me answers. So me being me, I didn't go back.

I have figured out one of those things all on my own, and the sad part is that it took loosing someone I cared so much about for me to find the bravery or determination to dig past that to find what may be hidden underneath. . . .

Now I am trying to find a way to come to terms with it, to put that demon to rest once and for all, but that is what this journey is all about. Finding the ME that I was intended to be, and I think I am ok that I am alone in it, because those that never wanted to help or look past all the walls and barriers that I have erected in an effort to keep myself safe are going to miss out on the MOST amazing person any of them have ever met.

Day 1, My self Assessment (continued)

2012-06-29T23:17:00.002-05:00

Ok so for today's task I was to do a self assessment. So here goes nothing,

First I was supposed to rate myself from 1 - 10, well I gave myself a 2, for step 2 I was to tell why I gave myself this rating.

I rated myself a 2 because I am no where near being at my full potential, I want to be that warm fun loving person that everyone wants to be around and always want to talk to. I want to see joy and happiness in everything, and always have a smile on my face that isn't forced, but instead of being that person, I am alone for the most part, my friends are few and far between. I complain all the time and always find fault in damn near everything and everyone. I have lost myself somewhere along the way and have built up walls to guard myself from pain and suffering, and all the while only making every task, all the way down to the smallest daily task a struggle. I hardly smile and when I do I think most of the time it's forced or faked. I do not like who I have become and the fact that I hide the true me under such a hard exterior never allowing anyone close enough to get a good glimpse at who I am. I push away the people who love me the most, I spend more time trying to be someone I am not to please other people without having the slightest idea what the person is they want me to be. I have ended up hating myself more then anyone should. I want to love me and be loved for me and to that I need to let out that side of me that I have hidden away under lock, key, chain, steel, and any other hard barrier imaginable.

The next step was to identify my undesirable traits, and let me tell you I have more then 5, so here is my list (which I am sure I could add more too but my brain stopped)

Aggressive, Aloof, Envious, Approval Seeking, Attention Seeking, Egoistic, Negative, Obsessive, Suspicious, Tactless, Temperamental, Unapproachable, Defensive, Demanding, Insecure, Self Hating, Selfish, Low Self Worth.

So that is my list, and I am sure like I said I could have added more but my brain stopped working, and some of the ones on my list meant the exact same thing, some there now are similar but I left off the ones with meant the same.

Then I was supposed to put them in 3 category, each alike trait together, and here is what I came up with, (now if I have one out of place I am sorry)

Group A: Aloof, Insecure, Self Hating, Suspicious, Negative

Group B: Aggressive, Tactless, Temperamental, Defensive, Demanding

Group C: Anxious, Envious, Approval Seeking, Attention Seeking, Egoistic, Obsessive, Selfish

Now step 4 was to pick out the top 3, I chose the main one from each group, I feel by doing it this way I have my bases covered to improve every area of my self.

My top 3 are, Insecurity, Aggressiveness, and Selfishness

So with day 1's task finished, I am eager for day 2, I am ready to start the hard stuff.
I feel so much lighter if you will after this task, it was very hard and emotional to admit that I had these traits, to admit that other people were right. I have an inner battle about this because no one likes to admit their faults or weaknesses, I know I don't but by doing it I felt as tho a weight had been lifted, as if I could breath easy because I was no longer trying to fool myself or anyone else, it was a demon that was hard to faith but empowering in the long run and I am excited to see what the next day will hold and to see the changes this journey will bring to my life.

Tune in tomorrow for day 2!

Day 1, My Self Assessment

2012-06-29T13:20:00.001-05:00

Step 1: Self Assessment.

So day 1's task is a self assessment, you start this task by rating yourself from 1/10 on where you think you are with the ideal person you want to be, 1 being far away, 10 being perfect aligned. Now you have to be very honest with yourself about this, because if you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with, and a low rating doesn't mean that you don;t like yourself it just means you have further to go to become all you can be and that you have more room for growth.

Step 2: Evaluate your score.

Now you need to evaluate the score you gave yourself in step 1, if you have a 2 or a 5 or even a 10, why do you feel that way. Be as specific as possible, this task is about making yourself aware of the things about yourself that are holding you back, this is not about hating yourself and running yourself down. It is all about enlightenment and facing the things you want to change, no more denial about it.

Step 3: Identify your undesired traits.

Make a list of the undesired traits that you have and want to work on, the list can be as long as you want it, but you need to be honest about it. If you can't be honest, even if its just every now and again that you demonstrate a certain trait, it is still present just waiting for the right moment to rear its ugly head. No one is going to judge you for what is on your list. I, myself commend those that can and will be completely honest about this, it isn't easy to admit that your not perfect and to point out the flaws in yourself.

When you have finished compiling your list, you need to put them into groups, alike traits with alike traits, you should have at least 3 groups but you can have more if you need to.

Step 4: Pick 3 of the most undesired traits.

These 3 traits can be the 3 you have the most problem with, I am going to pick the biggest one from each group, each group is grouped with alike traits, so mine will be the 3 (1 out of each group) that I struggle with the most.

Once this is done you should reflect later about what you have discovered about yourself, and truly think about the potential you have and where you want to be as a person. Embrace your flaws and commit to improving those areas that you are not happy with.

To be continued . . .

Day 0, My Pre- Work. . .continued

2012-06-28T23:46:00.002-05:00

My end vision (30 day Challenge)

I want to be a positive, supportive, welcoming person. Someone every wants to be around and talk to. I want to love freely and unconditionally (not talking about romantic love) be more selfless and considerate. The type of person that people know they can turn to and not have to worry about what to do in return. I want to let go of the need for control, let life happen as it will and the people around me be who they are, (the only person I can truly control is me and I am learning to do this). Be kind, giving, warm and welcoming, have a smile for everyone and a good thought or encouraging words (ALL the time). Be friendly, carefree and happy. Go with the flow and relax, and finally just enjoy life and those in it!

My Action Plan (30 day Challenge)

Focus on the good instead of the bad, see the brighter side of everything that I do and that happens. Smile at everyone I see, start up random conversation with people I know and strangers alike. Be supportive by listening and not judging a person by what they say, don't focus on the faults of a person but on their talents and the things that make each person amazing. Be more selfless, be there when I am needed and be willing to go the extra mile for anyone is need (even those that aren't). Think about what I say and how I react to a situation or a person before I do, try to walk a mile in their shoes and understand where they have been and what they have been through instead of jumping to defensive or over reacting. Have FUN with everything I do and just enjoy the life God gave me to live.

Now I have my action plan calender filled out with all this information, however until they invent some nifty gadget that will allow me to upload my phone calender to this blog post, you will all just have to trust me on this :D.

I have also schedule for when I shall start on my daily task each day, my day will begin at 7 and I will begin reading and working on each task by 7:30 and this is AM not PM, another thing I am going to do along with this challenge is set my inner clock to wake up early in the morning.

So this is my commitment, I do hereby solemnly swear that I do every challenge with 115% of me and that I will successfully finish this challenge by July 29th 2012, with amazing results.

Day 0, My Pre- Work. . .

2012-06-28T16:06:00.002-05:00

This is day 0 of the 30 day journey, and here is how it goes. . . .

Step 1: Create your end vision for the month (this should only take 20 min. but if it takes more then that's ok)

What kind of person do you want to be in the end of the 30 days? What traits do you want to have? What is the ideal person you want to be?

Step 2: Create your 30 day action plan (30 min)

After setting your goals in step 1 step 2 maps out how you are going to achieve this.

Identify your action plan, be specific, be detailed, dig deep!!

Fill in your 30 day action plan calender, fill in the calender for each day with your action plan steps,

Schedule them, set aside time in the morning and time at night for each task, this is where the commitment comes in if your busy MAKE time, or all the previous and future steps are pointless.

Step 3: Prepare for action!

This is where it all starts, if you are not 120% sure about doing this then stop now because unless you are for sure, you will never finish, and that is our goal, to finish, stick with it even when life happens, even when you don't want too, even when your having a rough day.

If I can do this anyone can, you don't have to do it alone, do it with a friend or family member. Or join me, it's easy if you have the support because that person can help remind you why you are doing this when you get discouraged.

I have chosen to do it alone, this is more to me then a 30 day challenge, this is a journey to rediscover the person I used to be and to be happy and love myself again. Please do not think I am being too hard on myself or too critical, you will read some brutal honesty but only because it's what I need to hear, not to make myself feel bad! Just have fun with it, and stay open minded, and if you need a lift let me know, I am here for anyone who needs it.

Stay tuned for tonight's post on how the day has gone!

Ready or not!

2012-06-28T15:41:00.003-05:00

My last post a week or so ago I mentioned a 30 day challenge I was going to embark on. Well things kinda went south for me and this was delayed, however it starts today. My mother bought this program for me (to get your own copy click here). This is not just a one time only program you can do it over and over, you can easily turn it into a 60 or 90 day challenge. All the info is on the site.

Today will be the start of a new me, a journey to discover who I am and who I want to be, and the daily tasks to get me there. I have faced a lot of struggles but from this day over those days are over. I will shape my future and it will be all that I know and dream it can be.

I will post daily about the task for the day and then let you all know what insight I have gained. This is for me and to see myself grow, to love myself for who I am and what I know I can be and do. I welcome anyone to join me and anyone to give me feedback. I do ask tho that you keep it positive and supportive.

This is a very important journey for me, a start of a new beginning and I hope it won't be the end of all I once knew, but if it is, then so be it, I am a fighter and I will make it.

30 day challenge... Bring your A game!!

2012-06-15T15:36:00.001-05:00

I decided that it's time for a change, that things in my life needed to change, that things about me needed to change. So I decided to sit down and read (which for me can be a bad idea) about what the best way is to go about putting these changes into action. I ended up more confused about how to do it then I was to start with. How do these self help gurus and self development experts know that their way is the best? How does the therapist and psychologist know that you have to deal with your past first and exactly how do to that? Do they just read it in a book, or is it their personal experience? How does anyone know that their way is the right way. Reading everyones version made my head spin and probably set me back several paces.

So how exactly do you go about changing your life and yourself for the better? This is a question I would love to know the answer to, I am not one that is afraid of research but how is someone supposed to filter thru all the conflicting advice and find the right ones? How do you deal with your past when you have spent so much time hiding from it that you don't really know what the real root of the problem is anymore? How do you know for sure that it is something you havent dealt with in your past in the first place?

Why are there so many questions and not enough answers?!?!?

Well never the less, this is my goal, to find the correct way to put the change everyone wants into action for people (like me) when life happens and the speed bumps are plentyful. O trust me it will be a very bumpy road but in the end worth every bump along the way. I may stumble and that's ok, it's what I do when I get back up that matters!!!

Change is good!

2012-05-25T00:11:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted in a couple days been busy doing other things. I think I need to find a method to this madness. I started this blog to help myself and other learn more about the my son's unique personality, to help people see the world through his eyes, but I don't feel right talking about that. I feel like I am invading his privacy even tho I am the only person that reads this. I think that this is a journey better taken alone. Today hasn't been the best day I have had, there are a lot of things that I need to evaluate, so from here on out this blog will have a different look and a different name and I plan for it to just be random. I am the most random person I think you will ever meet so why not let it out. You know what they say, if you got it flaunt it!! Stay tuned.......

A FABULOUS idea

2012-05-23T16:44:00.001-05:00

Well I was sitting here surfing the web and I found an interesting idea, for the FAMILY.

So what it is, is a summer bucket list, and I am going to prepare one for my family. I think this is going to be a fabulous idea for every family. Families don't spend enough time together or don't do enough things together and this will allow them to do just this..... So please keep an idea out for this project and until then

TO BE CONTINUED. . .

Success or Failure?!?!?!

2012-05-19T13:58:00.003-05:00

Today has been pretty productive so far, I got my mowing done and started laundry, but I think the rest of the day I will take easy. We are due at Shaun's brothers at 5 when Shaun gets off work. Should be fun, the kids will get to fish and there are always great laughs to be had when we all get together.

On and exciting note, I received the rest of my supplies for the bracelets I am going to make. I am a little nervous though because I have never made jewelry before. This will be an interesting learning experience for me, it also has the potential to be a disaster. I have a tendency to obsess over things, and I have caught myself doing it already, being a perfectionist does have it's down falls.

The first bracelets I am making are gifts for my mother as well as Shaun's, so I will not allow myself to fail at this, and it will have to be "perfect" for me to be happy with it. This trait kinda annoys some people but you know what they say, "if you're going to do it, then you better do it right" (or pretend really well).

If anyone has made soldered jewelry I am open for any tips you may have. This is a first for me, and even though I know how to solder, soldering pipes and soldering something that is supposed to look wonderful are two entirely different things. So any tips or suggestions are completely welcome.

I am signing off for a bit to at least attempt to get farther with this project, and be ready for some pictures as soon as I am finished. I am TOTALLY excited about this!!!!

Pure Inspiration! A MUST READ!!

2012-05-17T22:32:00.006-05:00

I was surfing the web today and came across a very touching story, that quite literally brought tears to my eyes. I read his story and visited his facebook support page, and was even more touched by so many people who have never met this little boy (like myself) who were touched and showing support.

His name is Blake Loudenber and he needs a kidney immediately and all he and his family can do at this point is wait!

Blake is 9 years old, him and his family live in Griffith, Indiana. Blake has been waiting for a second kidney transplant for the last 7 years. He was born with polycystic kidney disease and has been on dialysis since he was 3 weeks old. Without a kidney immediately Blake will be stuck at the size of a five year old for the rest of his life.Blake's condition is life threatening and he has not been able to live a normal life, let alone have a childhood, run and play with the other kids, or even take a simple bath due to his debilitating disease.

After reading his story I sat for a little bit and thought about my own boys. I could never imagine seeing them not the healthy, fun loving children they are. What would most parents do if faced with such a devastating situation and not being able to do anything to fix it. I know I couldn't do it, I always tell my kids that "mommy can fix anything" and I do whatever it takes to do just that. I admire Blake's family for the strength they have, and if you just look at this sweet boys face you can see the strength in his eyes.

It is children like Blake, fighters, those that know life is unfair but face every day with a smile, that make this world a great place. I am asking that everyone take a moment and bow your head and say a prayer for sweet Blake, support his family because everyone needs lifting up. You can visit Blake's support page by going to A Miracle for Blake. I am adding A Miracle for Blake button on my page that will link directly to the website, and am working a blog button that you will be able to grab and share. Please share this story, lets make a difference in Blake's life, lets help him be a kid!

Dull and boring (for the most part)

2012-05-17T18:57:00.003-05:00

It has been a very unproductive day for me to, in a way that is. I had an interview this morning for an Animal Control Officer position our city has open. Then Maleya and I came home and I tried to talk her into going outside to play so I could mow the yard, but she kept telling me, "mommy I need to paint, mowing is your job". Well she is right I suppose, mowing is my job so instead of mowing we stayed inside and she painted, she is a regular Picaso! Here is what she created and now holds a place of honor on the fridge.

Princess Maleya prevails again, after she painted we just pretty much hung out, but I did do some reading today and I read about a little boy today from Indiana and I was so touched, please watch for his story that I will be posting about soon as well as the link to his facebook support page.

Just some thoughts running through my head!

2012-05-16T09:28:00.004-05:00

Well since I have only just started let me give you some background as to why I decided to do this. It isn't out of lack of anything to do, if you know me then you know that already. My initial reason was to help other people understand my son and to see the challenges he faces everyday. I will give you some background about this topic in a moment but before I do I want to make sure that one thing is understood. I am NOT complaining by any means. I love him more then anyone could imagine and I enjoy his quirks, obsessions, imagination, humor, hell everything about the boy ( ~~with the exception of maybe the meltdowns~~ ). The purpose of this post is help other people who may know him understand him and see past the things that they initially judge as negative and see the gorgeous, caring creative child inside. The part of him that he hides and protects because honestly some people can be cruel.

Now a little background, Kaden is a spirited child (I am going to leave his diagnosis out for now), but he is what some people have call different, altho I do not feel that their "different" label is accurate. He is extremely intelligent, which can make some repetitive tasks a challenge, he is full of energy and so creative and inventive. On a day to day basis, he fills me on the ever changing elaborate plan for his life, starting with being a sniper in the army to the present plan of find extraordinary creatures and having a farm in Florida (he would prefer albino creatures). His creativity knows no bounds, i am amazed everyday at the things he invents in his mind. A lot of which are pretty cool if I don't say so myself.

Well I am going to stop here, and i will post again later and maybe touch on this subject again (maybe not), and my hopes for this blog aside from just ranting and raving at times, is to help the world to see the amazing child he is (and other children like him), and to maybe help other parents who just may be in the same place we are. It's a journey every day but it is exciting to say the least!

It's about time!!!!

2012-05-15T23:29:00.003-05:00

Whew, I think I am finally to a point that I can start blogging. I decided to start a blog several months ago, what took me so long you ask? Well sit down and I will tell you about it.

When I start a project I start a PROJECT. So I started searching the web for tips and help on how to design a blog, and then I try and search some more. My kids and boyfriend would tell you that I get ~~obsessive~~, I like to call it thorough. So it has taken me several months (on and off of course) to get it to a point that I was happy enough with it to start writing. So here I AM!! Please do not be alarmed if when you come back to read my rantings that everything has changed, that's a character highlight I have. If you would like some ideas or need some amazing tutorials just head over to my Blog Roll and you will find some of the wonderful blogs that inspired and helped me.

You may notice that the project and tutorial pages are empty, they are still a work in progress. I will soon be adding posts about things I am doing or making and tutorials for those who want to give it a try.

I know this is a short post to start with but I just wanted to get out there and break the ice, the real blogging starts tomorrow.