How Soon Is Now?

Bury Me Before I Start To Smell.

2013-06-10T02:38:00.000-07:00

For twenty-two years I've been speaking. No one has listened. For twenty-two years I've been forced to endure and endure and endure, never allowed to express my anger, or sadness, or hurt. People have been allowed to scratch me, and punch me, and throw things at me. And nobody has stopped them.

And not only that, but the perpetrator of my abuse has been allowed to debase me constantly to others, to such a degree that people have had the nerve to reprimand ME for "maltreating" THEM. Nobody has defended me, or spoken up for me, or attempted to restore my name.

Maybe my time is over. Maybe this twenty second year is special. Maybe twenty-two is where my story ends.

Maybe it will be less complicated without me. They can keep pretending that you're a good person, and I won't be around to tell them otherwise.

I should stop expecting you to save me. I have a picture in my mind sometimes, of me slashing my wrists, and you showing up just in time. But you've never done that. You've never saved me. Never protected me. Why would you change now??

You won't. None of you will. Days will go by, while I slowly bleed my life away and go cold in bed. Someone will call me. Try to shake my shoulder. I won't move, they'll call for help. How could you not know, they'll ask? You'll make your excuses, all the while knowing that they're not true.

And I'll be gone.

I hope you miss me. I hope you regret ignoring me when you should have listened. You chose who was most important to you. I hope you'll be happy with her.

And I hope you never have another child. You were lucky with me. You won't be again.

You assholes had better remember that I wanted to be cremated.

To A Friend: Part 1

2012-11-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

Sasha. I remember how shy and quiet you were when I first met you, and how I had to stand up for you a lot that first year, and I'm incredibly proud to have been the person to help you come out of your shell. You didn't know it then, but you helped protect me just as much as I helped protect you. You were there for me when I was going through a really difficult time and your friendship was invaluable to me. I can sincerely say you helped me become who I am today. I did then and still feel that you understand me better than anyone else. Though we are both vastly different people now than we were when we were fourteen, I can still call you whenever I'm sad or angry, and you always know just what to say to make me feel better. I love you Sasha Blackella.

Kristy, you are wild and a little crazy, and absolutely everything I love about the world and life in general. You are unabashedly honest in your feelings and in your interactions with people, and you have no idea how incredibly special and rare that is, and how much I admire that in you, and how inspiring it is. You ALWAYS reach for what you want, no matter what anybody says, without fear, without shame, and without apology. I often feel like I get caught up in trying to please others and forget my own needs and desires (in my insurmountable need to always be perfect), and you are a constant aspiration for me, even when your honesty causes chaos. I love you, Kris!

Tanu. Having been the third in mine and Sasha's group for so long, I still feel like we're incomplete whenever you're not there. You and I were each other's crutch for almost a year, and I feel like we built an unbreakable bond during that time, and you are an irreplaceable friend to me. You are best friend to the girliest, most spoiled, bratty and indulgent part of me, and you have no idea how lonely that part of me was until you came along. I've never had a friend I could just shop with, eat with, and talk trash with. You accept even the crappiest, most mean, petty parts of me and you never make me feel guilty or like a bad person for them. I love you, Nuu!

Note: I originally posted this to my facebook, and I just felt the need to immortalize these positive feelings somewhere. I might write about some of my other friends and family members later, even some of the ones I'm not close with anymore. I often use this blog as a place to vent negative emotion, but I think I need to remind myself of the positive aspects of some of my relationships, even the ones that are no longer in existence.

Current Listening: Closer by Nine Inch Nails (hilariously...)

Are There Pills For This?

2012-05-10T07:55:00.001-07:00

Lately, I feel very restless and uncomfortable all time. I feel kind of like I'm standing on constantly shifting, uneven ground, and I'm getting motion sickness. I also feel like silk netting is the only thing holding my sanity together, and it's being stretched to it's limit, two seconds from giving out.

I need a nap.

Korean Drama

2012-04-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

I seriously think I lack the emotional maturity to be able to watch this stuff without getting depressed. I just want the stories to end well for the characters so badly because NOTHING ever ends well in real life.

It's seriously depressing me so much that the only thing that still has me watching it, is this all-encompassing desire to strip Lee Min Ho naked and lick every inch of him that I can reach...

Love and Stupidity

2012-04-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

I remember (like a million and a half years ago) reading this manga called Maison Ikkoku. After like, three years of writing it, you could totally tell that the author (Rumiko Takahashi) was sick to death of complicating the lives of her characters, so near the end of the story there's this part where the main female character figuratively throws up her hands and is just like "Fuck it! I don't know what the hell else to do! I don't know how to fix whatever's wrong with us, so screw the sentimental shit, let's just have sex!"

Yeah, she didn't really say that....At all. But that's how interpreted it.

Anyway, I just wish life was as simple as just throwing up your hands, and being like, I give up, it'll all work out somehow. But it just keeps on coming doesn't it? No matter how simple you make your life, there will always be some douchebag to come along and complicate things. Those are the times when I wish I was the only person in the world. Everybody else is just interrupting my peace and getting in my way. I doubt I would even get lonely.

The point that I'm trying to make with this random half-assed post, is that there are only certain parts of your life that you can work on, everything else just has to work itself out. Emotions make things complicated, people make things complicated, and unfortunately human beings lack the ability switch our emotions on and off at will (when are going to evolve THAT trait, huh??).

In other words: I hate us, life sucks, and I'm shutting everything down (feelings and everything associated with them) until I've got everything I want sorted out. Holy shit, I'm going to be a virgin for a long fucking time. Meh, I'm probably not missing much.

Letter From a Furiously Distraught Daughter

2012-04-10T10:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Mother,

I am sometimes shocked by how utterly selfish you are. You force me to live with a woman who abuses me, disrespects me, and generally makes me feel bad about myself for twenty years, simply because of your own tired cultural ideas of sticking by family. You are never even around to experience it to the same level I do because you are at work during the day. You don't allow me to vent about my feelings when it's necessary, yet whenever YOU get upset with her, you yell at me, or blame me for it, and I'm expected to deal with it.

Not only do you allow your mother to get away with all this, but you allow her to tell other people how "disrespectful" I am to her, even to the point where our family members feel the need to constantly confront me about my supposed behaviour towards her. When the reality is that if I am home when she is, I stay inside my room, to the point of starving myself for days at a time to avoid having to listen to her scream at me!

After all of this, you have the NERVE to try and force me to do things for her, when all of this is YOUR FAULT in the first place, just like everything else, you try and make me feel GUILTY for not wanting to take whatever treatment your ABUSIVE SADISTIC TYRANT OF A MOTHER decides to dish out!

I hate both of you. The fact that I'm related to either of you makes me want to swallow gasoline and scorch myself from the inside out until there's nothing left.

Sincerely,

That Thing You Should Have Aborted.

What's In a Family?

2012-03-31T04:10:00.000-07:00

One thing I've realized about myself lately is that the way I see (and think about) a family is drastically different from the way most people do. The way most people see a family, is as their support system, the people who will be there for them, and love them no matter what.

The way I see a family, is as an obligation. The people who'll be giving me responsibilities, and demanding things of me that I don't want, and don't have to give. I don't know if that's a sign of your Oh So Lovely contribution to my psychiatric health Daddy Dearest, but it's thoughts like these that make me not want to have a family, not want to make friends, and not want want to meet new people.Your continued existence is a constant reminder to me that love in the end, is just not worth the effort.

See Daddy? I am like you.

2012-01-26T22:42:00.000-08:00

That awkward moment when you use your webcam to film yourself dancing...and you're just as awesome a dancer as you thought you were :)

Craziness

2012-01-19T05:53:00.000-08:00

Crazy Thing 1: When I was in sixth grade, one of my friends told me that she saw an episode of Dr. Phil that recommended snapping an elastic band on your wrist to help yourself stop swearing. Now, 20 years old, and thinking that I needed to get over someone ASAP, I got an elastic band (one of those huge ones they use for produce at grocery stores) and every single time I entertain a romantic thought about him, I snap it. HARD.

Crazy Thing 2: IT'S ACTUALLY WORKING.

Today's Epic Quote

2012-01-08T22:07:00.000-08:00

What did the egg say to the boiling water?... You're gonna have to give me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Hidden Kisses and Thimbles: I Don't Believe In All These Things

2012-01-08T05:47:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in soulmates. I believe that you choose who you want to be with, then you make it work. Done.

...I wish I could find the poem that I mentioned in the title. It's the only seriously lovey-dovey poem I've ever written, and it was REALLY freaking good for a first attempt.

Hidden Kisses and Thimbles: Angels

2012-01-04T19:09:00.000-08:00

Angels fly
With ruffled feathers
Through stormy skies
But carry on

And as those angels,
Sad and bitter,
Chained but free,
Keep pressing on,

So shall we.

***

This one's for the strongest person I know.

Mama...

2011-12-31T01:11:00.000-08:00

Before what remains of you is gone forever, I want you to know how much you meant to all of us. From the moment I met you, when I was fourteen, you became a constant in my life, and I was closer to you than I was to my own grand-mother.

As much grief as I felt when I found out that you'd died, I know that it's nothing in comparison to what your family must have felt. The ties of blood are weak ones in comparison to the bonds built between people who spend their entire lives taking care of each other, and to have those bonds broken so suddenly must have been devastating.

I hope that you'll forgive me for not having been to see you for three weeks before you died, and I hope that one day I can grow up to be as amazing a mother (and grandmother) as you've been.

If all the good deeds that we do in life are reflected back on us at it's end, I know that there's no way that, wherever you are, you aren't happy right now.

We love you, mama, and we'll miss you.

Stupid Questions I'll Never Be Brave Enough To Ask (2)

2011-12-28T18:28:00.000-08:00

Seriously, what is up with Sesshoumaru and Rin? Is it like a father/daughter relationship? A I'm-gonna-marry/sleep-with-you-when-you're-old-enough type thing? Like WHAT is going on??

If I ever meet Rumiko Takahashi in person that will be the first thing I ever ask her! I'll also be telling her that I fully expect at least three more COMPLETED manga series from her (NOT including Rin-ne), before she dies.

Bitch, I don't care if you're fifty-seven! Guess you better get a move on then!

The Love Between Friends...

2011-12-12T10:28:00.000-08:00

...Often feels suspiciously like hatred.

Passive Magic

2011-12-10T07:59:00.000-08:00

Surely, I'm cursed. Or else, I just need new friends. Why is it that whenever I need my friends to be there for me on something, they can't, or it's inconvenient, or they flake out on me? But whenever they need each other, they're perfectly willing and able to rush to each other's sides, and console each other over whatever the "Bullshit Drama of the Week" is!

That's why I'm going today, because I don't know if I'm a second class citizen in that group or whatever the case may be but I'm sick of it, and it's time to trade them in.

Secrets That Should Never Be Spoken Aloud (2)

2011-12-02T20:50:00.000-08:00

Whenever a guy sits in front of me (like on the bus, or in the doctor's office, or whatever) and then spreads his legs (which like, ninety percent of guys do) for some reason, I feel threatened.

Maybe I'm just such an incredible snob that I feel like every single guy who does that is hitting on me?

Stupid Questions I'll Never Be Brave Enough To Ask (1)

2011-12-01T05:50:00.000-08:00

Seriously though, how do Mermaids have sex?

Or do they just do that thing that fish do and lay their eggs and wait for some male to come along and fertilize them? If so, 1. Gross. 2. What a rip-off! And if that's true Eric must have shocked the FUCK out of Ariel on their wedding night.

Not that that makes her ANY different from any other virgin in the 1800s.

Hidden Kisses and Thimbles (1)

2011-12-01T04:59:00.000-08:00

It strikes me that I'm quite a happy, even-tempered person...When my family isn't around to ruin it.

Today's Lesson: You'll never be happy if you let other people's emotions dictate your own.

Quote of the Day:

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

-L. Haeber

Current Music: Love Song by Simple Minds

...

2011-11-28T04:07:00.000-08:00

It's not fair, it's not fair, it's NOT FAIR!

Grrrr...

Current Music: (Ironically) Too Bad by Nickelback

Solidarity Among Fashion Victims

2011-11-25T13:25:00.001-08:00

I need to go shopping. I need it like I need to breathe, or eat, or have sex (the fact that I haven't yet notwithstanding). I walked into an H&M the other day with my friend and saw this GORGEOUS pair of tan loafers with a wooden heel, and I just DROOLED (while I tried them on). They sound gross, but I have no doubt that they'll continue to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen until I give birth to my first child.

I Have the Touch.

2011-11-24T10:00:00.000-08:00

I'm hovering between two equally negative sequences of emotion right now. One just as destructive as the other. It's like someone stole my ipod... Again.

On the one hand, you kind of want tocurl up into a little ball and lose yourself to your despair, but the rational part of you won't let you, you have to take a deep breath, get up and walk around, and compose yourself like a normal person. You can't show anyone that you're two steps away from having a mental breakdown.

But maybe I deserve this. I feel like this is the karmic backlash for me being such a self-centered, sex-obsessed little bitch all the time.

Urgh, so this is one more unconscionable, unchangeable thing in my life that I'll have to pretend is fine. Nay, awesome.

But it's more than this, it's what it represents that gets to me. My own perceived inadequacy. People always say that no one can love you, unless you love yourself. And I do. But what use is loving yourself, if the people you want to love you, won't.

On an unrelated brightside, I've been having nightmares nonstop for the past few days. In most of my nightmares there's a graveyard that I can't escape from (once I dreamt that I was literally digging my own grave), but last night, for the first time in my life, I actually avoided walking INTO the graveyard in the first place.

Silly for me to place so much stock in my dreams, but maybe in some small way, this is a good thing?

It's not even funny how much I NEED to get out of here.

Today's Lesson: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Of course, this could all just be me being a big baby about my hurt pride...

Yeah, probably.
Current Music: I Have the Touch by Heather Nova

Malice

2011-11-09T19:01:00.000-08:00

So it turns out that my initials (MM) not only stand for my name, they also stand for Malicious Manipulator. Or at least that's how I feel right now.

One thing I'm going to have to work on about myself, is not projecting my feelings onto other people (though it wasn't intentional at the time). I was probably pissed for whatever reason, so I just unwittingly passed those feelings on to someone else. Okay, let's be honest here, I was jealous. I WAS JEALOUS.

I didn't even think about it as it was happening but I still feel INCREDIBLY guilty, and I hope I haven't completely wrecked their relationship. On the other hand, (angry at him though I am) I still feel strangely proprietary, and I kind of hope I have.

I feel like if I have to go over there and look at him, I'm going to suffocate.

...

So I guess I'm opting out of this weekend.

....

I fucking miss Roger. And I want a fucking Oh Henry bar :(

Today's Lesson: Just because you like yourself, doesn't make you not an asshole.

Current Music: Viz by Le Tigre

Fuck My Life. Or Not. Whatever.

2011-09-13T02:15:00.000-07:00

Sooo, telling that girl at work that I'm a virgin was obviously a HEINOUS mistake. Why am I so fucking stupid? And why is it such a big deal? And how [HOW???] does someone think they're doing an adequate of convincing you to have sex while telling you a) I'm pregnant and b) btw, this dude gave me chlamydia???

Maybe I'm a huge snob, but I've always believed that I was smarter than most of the people I met, whether that pertained to actual intelligence, or just being emotionally stable. But that whole conversation just reaffirmed it for me.

Yup. I'm a huge snob.

And I don't fucking care.

Today's Lesson: Just because you know you're not perfect, doesn't mean you can't love yourself.

Current Music: Bloody Sunday by U2

Nostalgia

2011-09-03T01:57:00.000-07:00

I remember sleeping over at your house once. You were five and I was seven. I was wide awake and there you were next to me, peacefully sleeping with your thumb in your mouth. I remember sticking my thumb into my mouth, hoping it would help me fall asleep. It didn't, but it was salty and I guess that was nice.

It cracks me up when I think about the fact that you only stopped sucking your thumb a few years ago, and even more when I think about the fact that it was only a little before that that your mom threw your pacifier away.

I'll miss you, and I wish we were still friends like we used to be. I love you, and inspite of everything that's happened over the years, you were still my favorite person.