Ramblings of a pretty woman!

You are Fourteen and Fierce!

2026-08-21T21:30:00.000+05:30

...as you should be! ( just not with me though!)

Every year, I write to you on your birthday, as you turn a year older, time passes by in a flash. I must add that I am also learning from you as a mother.

I am happy that you feel free to openly discuss how I can change the way I talk to you, and it's mostly said nicely. For example, I am outspoken and often say what I mean as-is. You have taught me to have some restraint and express myself kindly. You have had your share of problems; in friendships, a few misunderstandings, different or conflicting perspectives and strong personality clashes.

You have learnt so much from that. I can see a marked change in your character - you are very mature, you seem to know how to handle conflicts, when to say something or stay silent. As your Amma, I am amazed at how patiently you listen to people when they talk. Of course, when Appa and I reprimand you, lecture you or ask you to do some work - you can easily glaze over our words. That's also a special talent, indeed!

We have both passed on our love for music to you, so much so that you need to listen to music perenially - when you have a shower, studying, travelling, MTR, and now ferry as well. Earlier, Appa and I would fight over whose music plays when we are travelling by car or when we are relaxing at home, over the weekends. You are the newest contendor...I do like some of your music when i am working out or need some motivation. Indian classical music training continues and I genuinely hope you develop a real interest as you grow. You won this year for the second time, at 'Star Search' in Vocals Solo. We chose the song together - 'Roar' by Katy Perry. I'd love for you to sing a classical song but you insist noone will understand the music or lyrics. I let it go :) I want you to sing what your heart feels, and happily - that's your choice.

We spend every waking minute with each other and enjoy conversations on myriad topics. Yet you insist that I didn't hug you all day!!! Our weekend rituals of board games, simply cuddling and teasing Appa, our beauty regime as Appa is engrossed in F1 races are the simple joys of life I genuinely love and cherish :)

We have moved yet again, this time, its a welcome move. You have taken to the lifestyle change like fish to water...you are thriving here, on the other island. You have been so excited and planned for a long time to decorate your room! I can see so much of me in you, in that sense! So much joy in enjoying the little things in life - am glad you got that from me :)

'The Trifecta' is a force to reckon with and the core that drives our group is very much you. We are all very excited to celebrate your 14th birthday, my love...as I always tell you, you are my dream come true. I can't stop thinking about how you will move away for college /study further...ha ha ha...that's how life flows...We love you and can't wait to see you learn, grow, enjoy, live life to the fullest!

loving hugs and squishy kisses,

Amma

...14 and fierce, 14 and free-hearted, 14 and flourishing, 14 and a fashionista, indeed!

In my customary guest appearance on Amma's birthday ode this year, I want to start by telling you that I'm a big fan. I admire the young girl that you've grown into - a bit of me, a bit of Amma and a whole lot of your own persona. I sometimes wonder how it is that you are so much like Amma and are so different from her at the same time.

We may talk a bit less than we used to as you grow but there is always much to share with you and learn from you everyday. Beginning this year in our new home in Hong Kong, I look forward to exploring and travelling as much as possible before you head off into the world. I have even started enjoying goofing off, thanks to your persistence for me to join you in shenanigans - you even made me dance in an insta video! (Psst...I secretly enjoy you and Amma fighting over who should hold my hand when we go for our walk.)

When I was 14, I discovered two major influences that I have carried with me till today - Heavy Metal music and Stephen King . I wish you similarly fulfilling and transformative experiences this year (your taste in music could use a "glow up" ).

Wish you a fabulous 14th birthday! We love you with all our hearts.

Lots of love,

Appa

Teenager in the house!

2025-08-22T03:30:00.027+05:30

My dear Baby girl,

I read this somewhere : " Let your daughter's voice be heard at home, and she'll never be afraid to speak up in the world!". Your voice booms in our household which is a testament to what your future holds! Beware World, here she comes...

As I sit down to express my feelings/thoughts to encapsulate the year gone by, I glance through the pictures to jog my memory of the events/memories/challenges/ milestones and especially all the little things that shape you...

We discovered, to our utter joy, that you have an innate sense of rythm and can dance so gracefully with a lot of expression. You excelled at the Diwali ball in school, the community events that happen around Diwali... we are so pleased coz both Appa and I have two left feet! That dancing gene is all yours :) I am always so amused at how you are always dancing even at home sans music. Maybe, there's always some music track running on your mind. I love how joyful you are...its infectious.

You also got selected to sing at the ESF International Evening; to showcase Carnatic Music. You were very confident and sang well. My sincerest hope for you, is to take music with you, lifelong. Sing for yourself, that's all you ever need to do. It is a lifeskill and something that takes you closer to God. May God and Music be with you always.

I'd say your "rite of passage" to being a teenager has been your "butterfly cut". You have been so obssessed with your hair. We were initially amused by your childlike enthusiasm. With passing time, we are mildly irritated with all the chaos, frills, time and tools that it entails. I know, life is not all butterflies and roses...but you can have a butterfly haircut, for sure!

I am having fun sharing all my accessories, skincare and the vain side of being a woman with you. I am NOT enjoying your shopping spree from my vanity, especially when you dont ask me before you take stuff!

We did'nt travel much last year after Australia last summer. However, 'The Trifecta' discovered how much we are a team, that loves spending time with each other, our 'glamping weekend nights' are such a hit, board games, DIY food ideas and all the fun things we do are always courtesy you. While Appa and I may complain about being tired, we secretly enjoy your unending love for everything - you are the secret sauce that jazzes up an otherwise normal day!

You are inherently a very confident child. However, this year you have really bloomed in communicating your thoughts and ideas, all on your own accord. We were very happy to learn that you volunteered to join the Hong Kong Federation Youth English Public Speaking competition from your school and qualified upto the Semi-finals. You met kids from all the schools in Hong kong during this process.It was an interesting exercise in public speaking and a great experience and exposure for all of us. You also won the 'Communicator' learner profile award at school. We are bursting with pride :)

Of course, it's all not always so rosy. You have mood swings, outbursts, show some attitude and can be quite defiant at times. You tend to blame it on your special status of entering your teens. I partially agree with that argument when i feel calmer. In the heat of the moment, I always remind you that I wasn't born an adult. Every one of us goes through teens and then becomes an adult. It's not something so unique or special.

Having said that, I must honestly confess and admit that there are times that i am wrong and lose my cool. You have taught me to be more patient with Patti, always ALWAYS look out for others when they are sad, to be calm and most importantly, be present and enjoy every little moment. Your compassion and kindness towards me makes me wonder who is the mother?

You wrote such a beautiful and heartfelt poem for Appa on his birthday and made some amazing handmade gifts for mine! We are always inundated with loving notes, messages, personalized gifts on every occasion or for no occasion! ...We truly feel very blessed and grateful for being your parents, Aaradhya! You are truly my dream come true in ways i could never have even imagined!

We wish for you to be a good human being who is happy, healthy and makes everyone around her happy and joyful. I want you to grow up to be independent, self-reliant and self-confident in all aspects - physically, financially, emotionally. God bless you, my one and only Aaradhya.

Lots of love,

Amma

Dear Little One,

Welcome to your teens! Though I must say observing you around the house and amongst others, it would seem that you are already well into your teens...that's a good thing most of the time, but not always 😅. On the other hand, some aspects have not changed since you were 2 years old - like your sleep routine. Ok, we have gone from rhymes in Hindi to conversations about space travel but I thoroughly enjoy those 30 minutes each night...again mostly, not always 😉.

You have a special knack for finding my last nerve and don't hesitate to trigger it. Thats fine, as long as you learn from these experiences about how to deal with difficult temperaments and challenging situations. Amma and I try to be neutral, but are keen to encourage you to challenge your boundaries. At times, this can seem like us pushing you to be better or to try things that you are not interested in (or fully invested in!). In fact, this is just us wanting to give you every opportunity to experience new things...and fail. Yes, failing is fine, just remember we are there to help to get up, dust off and have another go.

A year full of achievements and adventure - singing, performing, speaking...and shopping! It was an absolute pleasure to be a part of your 12th, a year of more firsts lies ahead. I'm sure your favourite part was getting your first phone as an early 13th birthday gift. My favourite part was the beautiful poem you wrote for my birthday - no one has written something just for me before!

Proud to be your Appa.

Love,

Appa

Evolution of a transforming mind...

2025-04-09T14:59:00.003+05:30

...I have been pretty silent on the instrospective side on the blog until now. While I have always believed that reading books, articles or any kind of reading material improves your vocabulary, knowledge, learnings, life lessons among many other things. Recently, with the booming information economy, I have begun to listen to different voices, viewpoints, perceptions through different mediums....and it blows my mind! How did I not see this earlier? Why did I misconstrue someone or just failed to understand a friend or anyone's point of view with some empathy, maybe? Why so judgemental when I am in mortal fear of being judged?

My approach to significant things in my life has changed - not just organically but also as a deliberate and conscious choice! My younger self would always complain that who do I sing for? ...or who's going to hear me sing? I realize now that I just need to sing for myself first. If there's someone who would like to hear me sing? Great! That's a bonus! You can do things to make yourself happy. Period.

Another significant change is how I would always feel like my problems/ challenges were so big and the "why me!" syndrome. Its the most crippling thought you can have...I have finally understood that every single individual have challenges just like I do. The only difference is not even about resolving it. The main difference is often expression. I have always been open and expressive while others may not disclose their problems. That's the only differentiator. We are all the same. In the same boat.

I try not to fret over petty issues; especially about someone's opinion of me which is mostly superficial. Nobody bothers to go deep. How does it matter? I am now at this point of view - will it matter in a year or even 5 years? Will the opinionated even bother to help me if i am in trouble or at the least, even want to know if i am in trouble? Resounding, echoing NO! why care about someone's opinion so much? It is absolutely impossible for someone to be liked by everyone. Hell, I, for sure, don't like everyone. So I am ok with someone not liking me. I feel this way NOW. It would have bothered me a lot when I was younger...

A friend once told me "we all worry so much about what others will think of me, could be anything, about how I look, behave, react; little do we know that the others are too busy worrying or thinking about themselves to even bother glancing at you...let alone thinking long about you!". That really stuck with me.

I have evolved enough to think that as long as everything makes sense to me. It's good enough. I don't owe anyone or anything an explanation for anything that I do or occurs in my life. PERIOD. That realization is such a relief especially when you grow up being told that you are not allowed to think too much about yourself, don't be selfish, always think of others, you get the drift...and I would always think isn't humanity a two-way street? especially among human beings? be it love, respect or basic human courtesy?...empathy is a whole different ballgame.

Even as a child, I would say this often - maybe I read it somewhere.I have grown with this strong belief that " First, you have to love yourself before you can expect others to love you". Today, I also believe that I should be kind and respectful to self before expecting it from others. If that means I am selfish. So be it. I don't mind the 'selfish' label.

Interestingly, even posting on the blog stopped for the yearly posts on baby girl and the recent posts I did about Appa. who reads blogs anyway anymore? Earlier, i would get comments and people from work or people who know I write on the blog would discuss the topic with me or even e-mail me sometimes. I wonder who am i posting it for now? I decided that I can post my thoughts for me. That's good enough too. If anyone reads it and shares or converses with me with their own, its a bonus! That's ok too!

Are you TWELVE!!!

2024-08-21T21:30:00.138+05:30

My dear Baby Girl,

" May you always see life through the eyes of a child and the heart of an angel"

That would be my heartfelt wish for you on your 12th birthday!

I have been writing this letter every year as a great memory and hopefully, when you are older and understand what we share....you may appreciate this? Interestingly, I read through it when its time to jog my memory and it definitely brings a smile on my face! :)

You are my favorite topic of conversation; I miss your gorgeous face when you are away with longing...and I am always discussing how amazing and utterly frustrating you are (sometimes!)...ha ha ha. You have the best qualities of Appa and I; sensitive, spontaneous and silly like me and you can be very mature, strong-minded and so very loving like Appa.

This year has been your first year at secondary school. I was a bit skeptical about how you would cope but you surpassed all our expectations. You just sailed through your first year so organically, joyfully and with confidence. You did have some fluctuations but you got through it without too much fuss. Appa and I were thrilled to hear from literally all your teachers during the PTA meeting about what a lovely child you are...so full of life, joy and intelligence! My heart swelled with pride to hear that you are a great human being first!

Your creative side also shines through, thanks to your encouraging school that provides so many opportunities to showcase and highlight your talents through drama in musicals, singing competitions( you won Star Search in the Lower School Vocal Ensemble!), dance performances through the year, celebration of festivals - the year was busy and successful.

Typically, you have had your share of problems with friendships and I am glad you openly discuss it with me. I get worried and sad about how you cope with your feelings at school coz we have all gone through these conflicts in our lives. What really struck me was how you dealt with it in your own way. I was impressed by the fact you were able to accept your shortcomings and ready to correct yourself. I did not have the same kind of maturity at your age. Good job on that, baby (and Appa)!

I jog my memory through pictures; I look at a picture and it all comes back to me....I go back to that moment and all the details come back to me. The reason why I take loads of pictures of you - I want to soak it all in.

We were on holiday in Cebu, Phillipines here.. I am in awe of how brave and fearless you are...always enthusiastic to try anything new (any new activity....new food is still far away!)...you went snorkelling with Appa to see the Whale Sharks. I was sitting up on the boat in absolute fear when you came back to tell me how exciting it was to watch them in such close quarters ...

Recently, in Australia, for the summer, we went on a day-trip to another island to see the Great Barrier Reef; a coral reef off the coast of Australia. You went snorkelling again, with absolutely no hesitation, while I saw the reef from a semi-sub boat ride. I kept wondering where did she get the brave gene from?

We took a short break to Macau and trip to India. We spent some quality time with the grandparents. You are very lucky to be able to spend time with them, having conversations, taking care of them and hopefully learning something. You have become fluent in Tamizh, and this year you are learning to read and write in tamizh from formal lessons. My Amma is proud of me and I am proud of you, in turn. Your enthusiasm and interest to learn and master your mother tongue is important to me. You will thank me later in life. I thanked my Amma for instilling that pride in me.

You attended your first Carnatic Music Concert this year - that too a Ranjani-Gayatri Recital. Appa and I, enjoyed the performance thoroughly with you.

You are so full of tender, loving care on days I am unwell or tired, you give me amazing massages, rush to get me a hot water bag or water. I feel so loved and cared for! You shower us with so many lovely cards, notes and express how much you love us. We cherish these notes, feelings, expressions and love. We are so blessed. You, me, Appa - our little family.

You are a joyful, kind and happy child who lights up any room she enters...Every year, as you grow older, I must say, it has been such a joy to witness your growth. May God bless you with good health, happiness and joy in the world. Be a humble and kind human being who brings joy and happiness to everyone around you and to yourself.

Most importantly, we love you and we are always here for you, we got your back!

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine....you make me happy when skies are grey...

Amma

...a reprise by Appa:

This year was fun, challenging, and one of discovery for you. When I reflect on some of the things we experienced together, I get a sense of serenity...you, me and Amma, such unique and different personalities each but bound together like glue by something beyond all of that.

I love the little 5-minute chats we have when I tuck you and and make you sleep at night. I am thoroughly amused by the anecdotes you share from school, friends, things you watched on TV and chats with Amma. Sometimes I am amazed by the maturity in your understanding of people and circumstances and other times exasperated by (but secretly admiring) the stubborn determination to have your own opinion about every little thing.

Our holidays are always enjoyable, and this year, we had some memorable ones. For me, our trip to Australia was a landmark in many ways - I totally enjoyed spending whole days together, just the three of us. Travelling, driving, exploring, shopping, and having fun - pure, simple, loving, family time. My wish is for us to have many more of those every year!

I cannot believe that you are 12... look foward to your glorious teens!

Loads of love, Appa

Sweet 16!

2024-07-31T15:18:00.005+05:30

Have you ever met a petite woman with the most beautiful smile in the world? You probablysaw my mother. Vivacious, happy and optimistic, Amma is a small package that brings joy into the life of every person she meets.

As a working woman, Amma balanced her career and family ( not even consciously, she just did it!) so efficiently that I was always in awe of her. Every morning, as she would get ready for work in her perfectly starched cotton saris; I would watch her apply Gala eyeliner and sometimes help her with the pleats of her sari.

I couldn’t wait to grow up to go to work dressed in sarees/duppattas and get to wear eyeliner of course! Little did I know the travails of a working woman or the corporate world!

As a little girl, I could not understand why Amma didn’t come to my school to give me lunch everyday or why she had to take permission or the day off for my Annual Day functions. She would smilingly reply that she had to go to work everyday but always made it a point to cheerand applaud me when I won accolades or performed in Annual Day Celebrations. Both Amma and Appa would always appreciate every little achievement or milestone and that helped build a lot of confidence in me.

I vividly remember looking forward to Saturdays’ coz Amma would be waiting for us at home when we returned from school (She worked half-day on Saturdays). I would proudly proclaim to my friends “Yayy!!! Amma will be home today…” They couldn’t care less coz their mothers were always home and it didn’t seem like a novelty to them. I felt like they took their mother for granted.

In my growing years, Amma was transferred to Bangalore for a couple of years while my brother and I stayed in Madras with Appa. I must add that those were the toughest times for our family and I had a very hard time dealing with the absence of Amma. I would cry uncontrollably when she had to return to Bangalore after visiting us over the weekend. She would be in tears to see her little girl cry; sad and heartbroken that she would have to return to Bangalore, wondering when she could return to her family. Appa would often convince me that I should be a brave girl and make it easier for Amma. Every morning, I would listen to a recording of Amma waking me up lovingly. My parents had thoughtfully recorded the message for me and I would wake up with a smile.

The ordeal ended and Amma returned to Madras by God’s grace. I had reached my teens and was learning to cope with both physical and emotional changes that come with the process of growing up. That year in March, I would be 16! Some time in February, Amma went on a trip to Hyderabad with her best friend for a couple of days. She had planned a surprise for me!  On my birthday, she gifted me with 16 dresses for my ‘Sweet 16’!!! A dress for each year of my life; each different from the other and in beautiful dark colors that I always loved. I was thrilled beyond words and my joy knew no bounds at her thoughtful and extravagant gift. What more could a girl ask for? To this day, it has been the best birthday surprise EVER!

Over the years, I had slowly begun to understand and appreciate how Amma had contributed towards shaping me into a confident individual while giving me a strong foundation during my childhood.

Amma and many other working mothers I know, feel guilty about not being there for their children. They often feel that they didn’t do justice towards raising their children. Through this medium, I would like to let Amma know that she is the best mother I could have ever asked for! Amma, you have made me feel very special, loved and cherished through all your little gestures, selfless love and undiluted adulation. I am proud of being a working mother’s daughter!

Edited to add: I wrote this piece for the Chicken Soup Series for the mother's soul... it did'nt make the cut. I wanted to archive my feelings for my amazing Amma and what a wonderful mother she is to me.

Happy Birthday, My Rock!

2023-09-17T21:30:00.005+05:30

It's your birthday today and I realized I don't write as much anymore on the blog. NOT done! I know you were a regular reader of my blog and we would often discuss what I write...when we speak. Albeit being a yearly post, I have decided to speak to you on your birthday on the blog...I continue to write a post to Baby Girl on her birthdays every year too! :)

I remember how it used to irk you that I talk constantly. With time, though not consciously, I have become quieter; I don't express my opinion on everything. I am able to keep my opinions and thoughts to myself. There's not an overwhelming need to express myself like it used to be earlier. Its a good thing.

I feel like I am in your presence, when I am praying/ or in the pooja room. The smell of Vibhuti reminds me of you. I pray to God with a sincere gratitude for all that he blessed me with and continues to guide me when I am feeling low. Tears well up when I pray or sing nowadays even if I don't mean to...It's a good thing, I know!

I was reading a book the other day and the following words ring so true:

When you are older you will understand how precious little things, seemingly of no value in themselves, can be loved and prized above all price when they convey the love and thoughtfulness of a good heart.

You gave me so much love; mostly in your actions never through words. It made me strong, confident and vulnerable at the same time. You have a big, beautiful heart with such a strong, noble soul. I remember talking to you over the phone saying " I love you"....and you would reply with a "thank you"!! I know you loved me with all your heart and soul. I have felt it all my life, so loved and cared for.

I am not going to lie. I feel alone, adrift without you with no anchor. Appa, you would often tell me that disappointments come from expectations. Do not have any expectations. I am trying, but its not easy.

On your birthday today, I am going to make your favorite kesari and give Baby Girl :) Happy birthday, Appa!

You are Leveling up to Eleven!

2023-08-21T21:30:00.001+05:30

Dear Baby Girl,

" The days are long but the years are short" rings so true! Did'nt you turn 10 just yesterday and you are 11 already? I can't say it enough...I just want to freeze time, hold you close to me...physically, with all my heart and soul....I always will.

my little Rapunzel, you are so obsessed with your long hair that you simply refuse to cut it or try out different hairstyles. We still fight over washing it this year too! ;-) You will soon realize that you have the rest of your life to do whatever you want, with your hair and change is the only constant...until then. I shall wait!

You delight both Appa and I, with your expressive nature; be it your long hugs and cuddles all day, your cute little artworks proclaiming your love for us or your sweet little gestures of making breakfasts or your elaborate performances...we thoroughly enjoy the lively atmosphere at home, especially during the weekends.

You have improved in singing with confidence, that was reflected in your mini-performances and opportunities to sing. Of course, there are miles to go and I wish you practised a lot more! You are showing a lot of interest in learning Western music formally. We do hear a lot of K-pop and pop songs playing in your room...sigh!

....one of the most important milestones this year, you finished Primary school and you are off to High school...

You were so excited and nervous to get the Lead role in the Musical at school. We would often discuss the day after school and as a parent, I was nervous too, what if you don't get the part? I mentally prepared you to face rejection too ( isn't that how life is? Life throws you curves, you learn to swerve!). It was a huge relief and absolute joy to see you play the part with aplomb, an easy confidence and such happiness along with all your friends. It was really a stupendous show, Kudos!

...It's not all roses and rainbows, you have had some challenges at school with friendships, bullying and mean behaviour. I am glad you felt comfortable to share your hard feelings with me. As your mother, it deeply hurt me to see you sad at the end of the day, but I was amazed at your maturity and the ability to rise up from the situation. It has all been resolved but it was a great lesson to teach you as my daughter. Always be kind. Hold on to your core values; everything will fall into place.

With the end of the pandemic, we were able to travel a bit more this year. So of course, we went back to Bali for the year end break, met a few of your cousins in India and we managed to go to Kashmir for a week and explore a bit of India with you...

As you turn 11, our wish for you, is that you grow more confident, kinder, more loving and be the best version of yourself. You should work harder towards fulfilling all your dreams, desires and goals while enjoying life to the hilt, having fun and making sure everyone around you is happy. Surround yourself with people who lift you and most importantly, be someone who lifts others!

We love you, my gorgeous girl

We will always be there for you, cheering you on....with love and pride,

Amma & Appa

Birthday conversations...

2022-09-17T21:30:00.033+05:30

Happy birthday Appa!! ...I am going to go out and get some gold to celebrate your birthday. what do you say? (he will understand what i am referring to!)

" Birth and death are just passages where life is moving from one phase to another" - Sadhguru

Going home to Madras and staying in our home, my childhood home, where I have lived with you, spent a majority of my life - spending time with you, loving you, fighting with you, learning from you, laughing with you, praying with you....having long conversations with you...I remember and reminisce often about that. When I see your picture, I would feel an overwhelming sadness that you are not here in the physical sense anymore....now, I still feel sad but its not with that overwhelming grief. I have accepted and maybe, acknowledged it and realize that I have to move on. Life moves on. But I missed your presence, your own way of pampering me, and that feeling of protection and guidance so much.

When we were unwell and down with Covid (back in India), I could not help but think that we would have recovered quickly if you were around... you would have done everything in your power to make us feel better, feel loved and taken care of...I realize that I am on my own now. You have always wanted me to be strong, independant and self-reliant - I will slowly get there too. I had to start somewhere - so I did.

If I may say, I had a closure when I came home but I worry and think a lot about Amma now... LOL... ( I don't like to cut off Amma from the pictures, I prefer to see them both together)

I have always wondered how Appa and S( my husband for the uninitiated) are so calm, strong and resilient. I never got that...Until I moved away from home, I always took your strength for granted. Your strong support on all occasions let me be so naive, carefree and happy. I know now that I am very blessed to have a happy childhood, a shielded life from the cruel ways of the world. Appa and Amma are the reason why I always see the good in people, wear my heart on my sleeve.

Appa always made it a point to read all my blogposts and would often talk to me about it. He felt so happy that I am so expressive ( contrary to his persona and character)...I have always spoken my mind to Appa, even about difficult things in my life. Growing up, or even as a young adult, I felt seen and heard when he would patiently listen without judgement.

Dear Appa,

I am keeping all my promises - I am getting stronger, pray more often and with sincerity and am forever grateful to God and you guys for all my blessings and my gorgeous family. I am consciously making efforts to help people in need. I love you and miss you every single day. I know that you are in a better place, happy and content.

Your golden-hearted daughter

Baby Girl is a 10-year-old...double digits!

2022-08-21T21:30:00.053+05:30

Dear Baby Girl,

You are the newest and coolest member of the double digit club! It feels like yesterday when I dreamt of holding you in my arms; hoping to manifest this sentimental glass painting into reality! I never imagined that this little baby I visualized would become a reality...boy! How amazingly beautiful is our dream? We are so honoured to be your parents and a medium that brought you into this world. You have fulfilled our lives and made us so much happier...life is amazingly beautiful with you in our life, my darling girl!

This year has been really interesting; you got to spend time with both your grandparents and have an early birthday celebration with your extended family, grandparents and all the new friends you made. What a blessed little girl you are. You are so loved and so many people came together to celebrate you and the fact that you are growing up! <3

Appa writes beautiful poetry and he is often a man of few words. When it comes to both of us, not-so-much! We love you with all our hearts and will always support you and love you in every way possible, my munchkin!

you walk on your own path.

stumbling, crawling and scrambling,

moving forward as much as in reverse.

never faltering, never giving up,

until you reach your goal.

you speak your own truth.

through hitherto unknown languages and media;

lucid and insightful, not philosophical,

your theories of life and truth

are often superlative and utopian.

you sing your own tunes.

no years of training to bank on

but creating a thousand songs everyday

inspired masterpieces of art they may not be,

but everyone loves them.

you are graceful.

dance to your own rhythm with no stage fright,

you can perform anywhere, at any time.

at times amusing, mostly graceful

but always entertaining.

you are persistent.

change is constant as is your energy

but with a determined, almost obsessive, single-minded focus.

always doing what you want, when you want to;

even so, no one complains.

you write your own stories

with peerless creativity and imagination;

using any tools and elements you can find.

so advanced are your plots,

they are rarely understood by others.

you are fearless.

of everything that moves or is still.

on the other hand, you are incredibly brave

and do things no one else dares to do

as if there were the simplest tasks.

you live your own life.

away from the all the pervading chaos,

in your own imaginary land.

unaware of the ways of the world and

at peace with yourself and all around.

you are…a Blessing.

We pray to Ummachi to always bless you with abundance of good health, love, happiness and all that your heart desires! You are certainly the most beautiful blessing we have received in our lifetime! We wish you a wonderful year ahead filled with loads of fun, memories, learnings...our sweetest, kindest daughter in the whole wide world!

All our love and blessings,

Amma & Appa

Happy Birthday Appa!

2021-09-18T06:52:00.005+05:30

It's your birthday today and I want to celebrate you. ...I think of you and miss you everyday, and you are so alive in my thoughts, actions and especially, in the fact that I want to help people more, financially, physically or in any way I can...that part is definitely all YOU!

I use sandalwood powder, I smell absolutely like you...I can feel your presence with the fragrance...

I make "paruppu usuli" and I savour it a lot more now coz it was such a favourite and you would make it with a lot of effort and love...

I think of you anytime we eat something you like, cabbage curry, rava masala dosa or a sweet dish that you would like...

I discuss my dreams about you with S and A, and it's always a good dream. I think it's your way of telling me that you are always there for me...

I am a changed woman, I have become more mature after you passed away...I am trying to be mentally strong just like you wanted me to be...

I am living life one day at a time, enjoying and trying to be happy, We will all celebrate life and celebrate you ALWAYS and FOREVER!! I love you, APPA!!!

Baby Girl is 9 years old today!

2021-08-22T03:30:00.008+05:30

Dear Baby Girl,

...As I try to reminisce the year that flashed by on your birthday, I can only think of how excited you are, about your birthday and the double celebrations, that happen with friends and then family in India virtually. I think you are very much like me, in that sense, so excited about your birthday, the excitement, the celebrations and all the adulation! :)

While it is unfortunate that the pandemic situation still continues to exist, I can see how well you have adapted yourself to it, and learnt to enjoy yourself in every way despite it. You wear your masks like a pro, with a smile hidden inside it. I really hope none of us will need a mask anymore when I sit down to write to you next year!

I am so humbled to see your phenomenal growth, especially on an emotional level. You have a clear understanding of acceptance, compassion, kindness and a special ability to always understand when to give me a hug and make me feel all better again! Humility is still lurking around, waiting for you... ha ha ha...there is a sea-change in your demeanor and I feel really proud of you, for evolving and growing into a good human being. Of course, there is a long way to go...

Apart from birthdays and anniversaries, you have taught us to celebrate and revel in the little joys of life. You are such a sweet, loving and expressive child that makes us smile with her loving cards, notes, handmade gifts, and tight hugs for no reason. You look forward to weekends to enjoy a game of Dobble, Uno, Jenga or any other new game that is added to the array. That tradition continues...

You speak so lovingly, patiently to Paati, that really warms my heart. Her heart sings with joy at every tamizh word you speak, every musical note from your voice, and yearns to see your beautiful face with a beaming smile. Your vivid memories of Thatha, and the fun things you did with him in Madras are memories that keep me sane. You are so thoughtful, I am amazed at how you are looking for any signs of sadness or tears when something we watch or eat triggers a memory of my Appa....you quickly run over and give me a hug, or inform S that I am sad or thinking about Thatha....at these times, I wonder who is the mother? We are both longing to see Paatti and our loved ones in person, we will definitely visit India soon...

We share a common love, madness, passion for music. You are perpetually singing loudly, dancing and your energy is infectious. We listen to good music before we sleep too. You are showing more interest in learning music, and I can see that your confidence growing too. Learning will continue...Music is a life-skill that will create a beautiful balance and lend such calmness to your mind. You will know...

When S has F1 on the weekends, you and I, have our own ritual of playing "Jaanu Papa and Aadu Papa". I really enjoy being a baby with you again. You love it so much that you are always checking with Appa for the F1 schedule. I think it's fun coz you get to see a different side of me - carefree, spontaneous, child-like, silly. But I can't always show that side coz it is good to be a balanced parent - disciplined yet fun!

You are obsessed with the water, the beaches, swimming...such a water baby!! I am happy to see you swim and enjoy being in the water, vicarious fun for me. You are such a social being too, I like the role-reversals now when you introduce me to so many people as your mother!!! It was so funny when the other day, a random person I didn't know too well, stopped me to ask if I am your mother? Apparently, my smile matches you..It is the other way round, your smile matches mine! ha ha ha

We want you to grow exponentially, in leaps and bounds in every way possible. Also, have a lot of fun, enjoy life to the fullest and spread happiness and love in abundance, and in every way possible. We have your back, standing right beside you - egging you on, cheering you on, beaming with pride at every little victory-milestone-joys of life, my love. You are truly the love of our lives!

We love you to the moon, and back!

Lots of love and blessings,

Amma and Appa

This day last year...

2021-04-20T21:30:00.036+05:30

1. Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

2. Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

3. Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

4. Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)

5. Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.

6. Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)

7. Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh month)

8. Click here to read the eighth post (eighth month)

9. Click here to read the ninth post ( ninth month)

10. Click here to read the tenth post ( tenth month)

11. Click here to read the eleventh post ( eleventh month) - my brother shares more...

"I was never ready for you to leave..."'

Its exactly been a year since Appa passed away. I strongly believed, hoped and was so sure that I would be in Madras with my family, with Amma and Anna. God has other plans, life has other plans...I know, there's a reason that I am not aware of, right now....

I think I am still not ready to go home, to a home from where Appa won't come out to greet me or hug me. I think I still need some time to accept that, that's one reason for sure!

I also firmly believe Appa is always with me, whether I am in India or Hong Kong, or anywhere in the world. I have an implicit faith and strong feeling now, that he is always within me, around me. That will never change, its reassuring, and it took me a long time to acknowledge that or identify that.

Having said that, I also feel like a changed person, internally. I am much quieter than usual. I don't think its necessary to share everything with everyone or the need to talk constantly, a bit like Appa! ha ha ...I am sure its a welcome change for the people around me. We can all enjoy the silence a bit now...a part of me died with him. That will never change....even with time.

I still tear up when I write this blog...
I visualize him smiling, always ALWAYS asking me If I need something? a cup of tea? ...
I miss his strong support, guiding me when I am down or stressed,,,in his own tough love kind of way...just a phone call away, even if I was not with him physically...
I talk to Amma or Anna about him often....we share our stories together or anything that reminds us of him...
I dream of him quite often and he is always very much alive, as if he were in my life....forever...
I talk about him incessantly, and tend to bring him up in random conversations about my memories with him or what he would do for me...I will not apologize for it...I will always talk about him...
I chance upon a handwritten label or note from him...and I tear up...
I miss him when I see someone's father. I fervently hope that someone's father stays healthy and happy...
I still cry uncontrollably at times...I know its ok....
I also felt really touched and happy to hear a lot of stories about him from my cousins, loved ones and friends who knew Appa closely...
It was reassuring to hear that Appa's siblings often check on Amma and talk to her regularly...
I often cry or get upset about Appa, and I have S, Aaradhya, Amma, Anna and so many others who understand and listen...try to cheer me up in their own way ( I am sure they feel the same way or worse about losing Appa)
Aaradhya will run from whatever she's doing..if she can see that I am sad or my eyes are moist. she can sense it every single time. I am grateful for all of them, these wonderful people I am blessed with.

This is a glass painting I did for him...I copied it from a picture of him...Sadly, he broke it by accident and I was so upset with him. I am glad I clicked a picture on the phone, it's now on the blog...

"Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone..."

I had asked Appa to write me a letter casually one day while we spoke on the phone. Amma tells me he wrote sincerely for days together like it was a serious assignment! True to his nature, he delivered on his promise and the letter reached me within a week. I have the letter, safely ensconced in my locker as its my most treasured gift and memory of him. Maybe, I had an instinct.., I don't know...

Anyway, he said that he was very proud of the woman I have grown into, and what he loves most about me is that I have a golden heart, innocent and full of earnest love for everyone. His words, not mine...I hope to retain that " golden heart".

I pray a lot more, not as much as him, but as he would say, not always asking for something but just with gratitude. I do pray with gratitude and thank god for all his blessings.

I want to help many people in whatever way I can...financially, emotionally or just being there for them.

He asked me to always have a good bond with Anna coz he is my family after them. I will always do that, I will do my best to be there for him.

I strongly want to believe in this...

" Those we love don't go away. they walk beside us and reside within us everyday...maybe unseen or unheard but always near. Still loved, still missed and very dear..."

Appa and his Myriad Interests

2021-03-21T07:25:00.001+05:30

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)
Click here to read the second post ( second month!)
Click here to read the third post ( third month!)
Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)
Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.
Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)
Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh month)
Click here to read the eighth post (eigth month)
Click here to read the ninth post ( ninth month)
Click here to read the tenth post ( tenth month)

Anna is the fortunate sibling who has lived with my parents all his life and I repeat myself when I say this but I envy him for this aspect. Living together in close quarters, they have a shared bond, interests and have spent some quality together. He writes about light and happy incidents he remembers...this month.

Appa and Anna at his wedding, 2011.

All of us know Appa as a strict disciplinarian with a no-nonsense attitude. People assume his interests are limited to his religious pursuits; however interestingly, Appa had a varied set of interests which will surprise most of us. I will try and put it across.

Appa and Music

All of us know Appa had a great ear for Music...ardent Carnatic music Fan, he could not sing but had a great interest in music. He used to tell us how in his younger days ( he was about 11 or so) would walk upto 10 -15 kms to listen to popular musicians who would sing all through the night and he would come back and slip into the thinnai. ( refers to a raised platform outside the entrance of the house).

Appa also loved Film Music both Tamil and Hindi; his favourite singer was T.M. Soundarrajan. He used to have boxes and boxes of cassettes of film songs of TMS. He would ask me to download songs on a USB. He also had a great collection of old hindi music - Rafi, Kishore kumar, Asha, Latha, RD, SD, Madan Mohan. You would see him sitting in his room playing these old songs. He was choosy of the songs as well. He would not record, or download the entire album, he would patiently sit with me on selecting the songs to be downloaded. I often used to make fun of him saying, “Record panikirel yeppo ketu mudipelo” ( you record so much, when do you actually listen?)and he would jokingly say "neenga yenna thaniya vitta thane" ( only when you guys leave me alone!!)….. ;-)

He enjoyed listening to his granddaughters singing; he would ask them to sing - Dhrithi would sit in his room singing all the songs she knew and he would be sitting and listening while Aaradhya will sing to him over the phone or Janani would send her video/audio recordings on Whatsapp. He would tease Janani that Aaradhya sings even better than her, (he would listen to it over and over...)! :D

Appa and Movies

Appa was a movie buff in his youth. When he was in Bombay, he would watch all movies, Hindi, English, Malayalam, Tamil. Language was no bar ☺. He loved action movies. Western movies were his all time favorites. Good Bad and the Ugly, For a few dollars more, Fist full of dollars are movies he would watch any time it was on TV. Clint Eastwood was one of his favorite actors.

Baasha, Nayakan, Guna – I have lost count how many times both of us would have watched it. Today when I watch the movies I always feel like he is sitting next to me watching and commenting. I still remember he used to say "Guna le Kamal acting super da…. " ( Kamal hassan did a great job in the movie Guna)

In his later years he did not have the patience to sit through the entire movie, but he would watch all action sequences with rapt attention. He would not like to be disturbed when the fight sequences would come on TV.

His other surprising interests would be the WWE. He would not share the remote when the shows were aired, especially the royal rumble and Wrestle Mania. He would get wild if we change the channels. He would know the players by names, right from Hulk Hogan, Hitman, Triple H, the Rock and his all time favourite THE UNDERTAKER. He would sway involuntarily to the movements of the players. He would get wild if we disturb him during the programs. He would not give the remote to anybody and watch the entire program like a child.

Appa also liked comedy very much. Nagesh, Kamal, Crazy Mohan, Senthil, Koundamani and of course Vadivelu. He was a great fan of Vadivelu in his later years. Both of us would watch comedy scenes from movies daily. Our routine was after I come back from work, Dinner and Amma’s quota of TV time we would straight jump into the couple of comedy channels which would air comedy scenes all thru the day. H would laugh out loud and enjoy them. Both of us would sit watching and Amma would jokingly ask us “ Yen da ungalaku bore adikaatha paathathe paathundu irukel”( don’t u get bored seeing the same again and again}. Appa would say "unaku puriyaathu ma" ( you don't understand), we enjoy it. Vadivelu was his favourite. He would repeat his one liners very often ( "unaku vantha ratham, yenaku vantha Thakkali Chutney - roughly translates to for you its blood, and for me its tomato chutney?"). He would retire to bed late after this daily routine. I still follow this routine but miss him very badly when I don’t hear his laughter.

Appa and Food

I had earlier hinted here on Appa’s interest on food. Appa on one side, would eat whatever was served as he would not talk while eating and would never mention of taste. At the same time, he had very specific liking of food whether we eat outside or cook at home. He liked the Halwa from Bombay Halwa House in Chennai, or idlys would be always from Sangeetha. His visits to Mylapore would never be complete without his visits to Maami kadai for snacks. Even when Pongal was cooked at home, it was always accompanied with Vadai from outside. Lunch outside would have to be only in Woodlands. Dinner outside was always roti with Bhindi Masala. Even when Janani used to come he would ask her to make the Bhindi subzi. He himself was an expert cook. He would churn out awesome dals, Rava Upma, delicious sakkarai Pongal, Semiya payasam to name a few. He would say if you don’t add the extra dollop of Ghee then u will not get the taste.

Both of us have learnt quite a bit of cooking from both of them. Even today when I make Rava Upma, I thank my Guruji Mr. Rajagopalan and strive to match his taste which is still to be achieved. Satya learnt to make Upma for Janani (when she was pregnant with A) just like Appa !!!

Tough Love

2021-02-21T08:24:00.001+05:30

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)
Click here to read the second post ( second month!)
Click here to read the third post ( third month!)
Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)
Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.
Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)
Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh month)
Click here to read the eighth post (eigth month)
Click here to read the ninth post ( ninth month)

I have been writing blogs for several years now and Appa was an avid reader of my blog. I began writing to improve my writing style in order to enhance my skills professionally. After I had my Baby Girl, it dwindled down to yearly posts for her birthdays and one or two posts here and there. Interestingly, I have written regularly every month exclusively about my dear Appa. He made me do it, tough love indeed.

Appa would often scoff at my kid-glove parenting style, where we (all?) tend to be obsessively cautious around our child's egos or emotions. I am guilty of that, I do over-think it when I discipline my daughter and worry too much about her reactions. I did'nt grow up like that. Appa totally believes in tough love, not to say he was not loving. But my parents made it very clear that they are my parents first, and I was always clearly told I could talk to them anytime.

Having said that, I grew up being very protected and sheltered all my life and then I got married. There was quite a lot of eve-teasing and I had to bear the brunt of it, quite often - be it while going to school or at college. Once, I went out to get some bread from our nearest grocery store, and I think some guy on a bike (off the road) pinched me or something like that.. . When I told Appa about it, he did'nt even send me out to buy bread or any grocery run henceforth.

He would jokingly say, in all seriousness, " I am an old man, I can't fight with other young men - so the best way to protect yourself is to keep a low profile and make sure you don't get noticed" !!! By the time, I finished college and began to work, my brother was working in a different city. I had nothing to worry about, when my brother was around.

One day, Appa and I were going somewhere, and waiting at the bus stop to board a bus. Right opposite to the stop, there is a tea-shop and lots of young boys linger around, " sight-adichufying or line-maarofying" all the girls at the stop. They are very obvious about it and you learn to ignore over a period of time, out of sheer compulsion. ( Appa began to allow me to take the bike to work later). While we waited for the bus, Appa kept standing in front of me and obstructing my view.

I said: "Appa, enna panrel (what are you doing?)"

Appa: " unna pakka mudiyaada madiri nikkaren( I am standing in front of you so that you are not seen)....so that none of these fellows can ogle at you!!! That's why I am standing right in front of you.

I found it so cute even then, my cute, sweet, protective Appa.

He was so amazing, I did my MBA through distance and the exam centre was really far away from the city. He did'nt want to send me alone, he hired a taxi and would come with me to the exam centre, wait for the entire 2-3 hrs duration of the exam ( he would carry a book) and bring me back home in the same taxi. For the next year exams, I found out that my school friends were pursuing the same course. He offered to take me along. When I told him that the previous year, Appa would come along, wait and take me back....he was simply amazed at how protective Appa was. I guess he felt I was old enough to figure it out myself , I was 21 or 22 years probably.

I would often complain to Appa and Amma, after I got married, that why they gave me such a sheltered life? I wanted to be more independent but didn't know how to be? Over the years, living in different countries, living alone( with my S), I learnt to be, but not as much as many of my friends, who can do anything or go anywhere all by themselves.

When I lived in Paris, during my yearly visits back home - I would want to go shopping. Take an auto and just go. Appa and Amma would discuss in detail, which route to take, organize with a known auto driver or insist on why I need to buy anything at all !! I would get frustrated at why they fuss so much, when I live and work in a different continent, let alone different country, and manage everything pretty efficiently. Appa would insist that I am still his little girl, and he feels responsible for my safety.

I think about how angry/frustrated i got then....but now I am mature enough to understand how blessed I am...that my folks always cared about me, as a child, as a young adult, as a grown woman too!

I am terrified of cockroaches, like most people are...but I may nearly die if i see one flying! I am simply petrified. I was running late to work, I was probably 21 by then, I was taking out my Kinetic Honda parked right below my home, when I saw a huge cockroach on the tarpaulin cover - I simply froze and called out to Appa. Appa comes by, and when I request him to remove the cover,he flatly refused. Tough love did'nt really work in this case.

Here I am, a grown young woman crying profusely, pleading him to help. He refuses and says its high time you get over your fear. Just push the cover and it will go away. But I just could'nt...when it flew away, i literally had a heart attack. Luckily, it was an open space - so I could just take my bike and rush off to work. I was livid with Appa...there is no great lesson from this incident though...I am still petrified of cockroaches!!! ha ha ha...

Appa's Ponnu, I will always be...

2021-01-21T11:19:00.000+05:30

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)
Click here to read the second post ( second month!)
Click here to read the third post ( third month!)
Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)
Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.
Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)
Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh month)
Click here to read the eighth post (eigth month)

"Appa's memory does not live in the pain of my grief". Having said that, I'll be honest, I feel guilty when I laugh heartily or I feel like I may forget him even for the moment I feel happiness, I feel like, how can i forget that Appa is no more with me? On the other hand, every little detail, every nuance, every memory in my life is with Appa...

iduvum kadandu pogum....Appa will remain in my memories and in me, forever. I must admit that this monthly walk down memory lane I do, is very theraupetic for me. I am glad I am In doing this. For me and my loved ones and people who love Appa in their own way.

In 2019, I wanted to surprise him when he was a bit unwell, spend some time with him. I left Baby Girl with S for about 10 days here in Hong Kong, and stayed there in Madras with Appa and Amma. It was the best decision I made, though it was hard to leave Baby Girl alone. After that trip, Appa would talk to me regularly, on his own. It was very unlike him, but he would repeatedly thank me for coming over, or for having long conversations with him. Like I said, I talk to my parents everyday - Appa will talk only about important stuff while Amma will talk to me about my daily life. It's not like Appa to talk about inane things normally. Later, he began to speak to me everyday. I am glad we did. I have no regrets, I have expressed everything I have ever felt , be it positive or negative to both my parents. Yes, you are allowed to love something about yourself, I love that i freely express whatever I am feeling to the person directly. I managed to convince Appa to write me a letter ( physical) which I can always cherish, safely ensconed in my heart AND safety locker!

Appa is a connosieur of good music, especially classical music. When we were kids, Appa was quite short-tempered and I would always sit down to practice my music consciously knowing he is angry. He would calm down and be normal at the end of my practice session. I appreciate music more as an adult now, than I did as a child...when I listen to good music, I am always reminded of him.

https://youtu.be/GvOhqmuDQAg

I get goosebumps to hear this son-appa sing and emotion clouds my throat. ( the adulation and love in his father's eyes is so beautiful and they sing my favorite songs too!). I know these are film songs but melodious ones. After I lost him, I would often search for this video on Youtube and hear their beautiful voices, their expressions and the apparent love and affection in his Appa's eyes for him and try to remember my Appa through him. It helped me sleep, sometimes.

As a child, I always remember him reading or listening to music in his room, all by himself.

He would roll his eyes to hear my fusion version of shlokas or classical music. I would argue that I can relate to this version, so what's wrong? ha ha ha...He does not appreciate any modification or fusion element to music - he is a traditonalist in the musical sense!

In 2007, we were living in Pune, both my parents and in-laws visited at the same time once as we were both working (..and maybe we did'nt get too many days off for a break). He never let me cut my hair until I got married...so the first thing I did, was cut my hair after I was married. I was also in that phase of experimenting with my hair, I think I had coloured my hair a deep-red/burgundy or sorts. He thought i was asleep but I could hear him telling Amma - " she paid money to someone to get THIS done??!!!". ha ha ha...needless to say, he hated it. If you look at this picture, you can imagine his shock when he saw me fully transformed!

Appa and I, at the Punar Poojai during my wedding, he is seeking blessings for me, as always - 2003!

He always liked the traditional style of dressing , he loved it when i would wear a saree, or even simply indian clothes with my hair tied ( so he can actually see my face!).....with a pottu or bindi. Anytime, I shared pictures, where I was dressed in a saree or kurta with pottu , he would always say " ah! there's my beautiful Janani...this is how I like to see you".

As I dry my daughter's wet long, silky hair, his grand daughter's long hair that she absolutely refuses to cut ( it would make my life easier, i have to admit!) , I can't stop thinking about how Appa would love that she has long hair... :)

Appa in Paris!

2020-12-21T11:05:00.000+05:30

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)

Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.

Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)

Click here to read the seventh post ( seventh month)

I will be honest and admit that I understood how lucky or blessed i am, ONLY when I moved away from my parents.

When i got married, we moved cities and then countries. While Paris sounds glamorous, when you live far away from home - it is HARD, I have been married for almost 18 years now, which means I have also spent a large part of my adult life away from Amma and Appa.

Having said that, I have spoken to them every single day. I call them EVERYDAY, until I share every liitle or big detail, good or bad news, professional or personal update, just about everything I share - my day is not complete. First person to hear every update is S ( he is physically present too), I relate my entire day verbatim when I see him. Since my folks are not physically here with me, I call them and still do the detailed download. :)

Normally, I talk to Amma about the inane details too, Appa is reserved for more serious, important updates and it is not very long. Appa is a very no-nonsense kind of person, he will speak to-the-point and put the phone down, in fact, many times even while you are still on. I would always laughingly tell him to say bye or something so I know that the conversation is over.

In the year 2012, I distinctly remember, for a couple of days I could not reach them for a couple of days, I got a bit worried. Then, Anna informed S and I that Appa is having a small "procedure" and may not be reachable for some time as they will be in and out of hosptials. My memory is hazy now but he kept saying something to keep it "normal" for me. Even then, I remember praying fervently that the "procedure" goes well and they get to see my baby, I had no clue. I was pregnant with Baby Girl and it has been a tumultuous journey of loss until then.

Naturally, they did'nt want to disturb my peace of mind or create stress especially since I lived far away. Later, much later, AFTER Baby Girl arrived safely, Anna told me that Appa went through Angioplasty and Amma had open heart surgery. Anna was secretly discussing with S to keep the secret. S would often tell me later, that your brother was so worried only abour you. He would always ask "what do we tell baby?" ( I am indeed the baby of the house, so everyone refers to me as "baby").

In hindsight, it all worked out well but they had a rebirth, both of them admitted in hospitals on the same day...I'd rather not dwell on the details.

They willed their recovery and came down to Paris for my delivery, looking very frail but ecstatic and happy. I remember Amma tearing up, when she saw me with a 9-month belly at the airport,I will never forget the look on her face - pure joy!

Appa and Amma arrived about a week before my due date, and I had strict dietary restrictions and I was only allowed to eat fruits with no restrictions. I went through a phase of papaya, apples and finally reached watermelons by the final trimester. S was juggling many things, (it's a new country and Appa and Amma had never been abroad before this). He promised that he would pick it up for me after work and left for the day.

By evening, I was pleasantly surprised to see Appa walk home with watermelons!!! When I asked him, how he managed to buy it (as everybody speaks french. It's not easy to shop there). He said " Oh! I picked up the watermelons, went to the cashier, looked at the screen and paid the bill - did'nt need to say anything"!

I was very emotional, vulnerable and in absolute panic ( about my delivery) - but a bite of that juicy watermelon filled my heart with joy. Frankly, I did'nt think he would venture out alone, let alone buy watermelons. I know he did it coz he loved me.

I was very, very scared that everything should go well and Baby Girl should arrive safe and sound. I would look at my ever-growing belly and freak out. S is definitely zen and calming, but its his first time too. Appa and Amma, despite all odds being there, really helped, reassured me and their constant words were " all is well...all is well". I remember calling them, after delivering Baby Girl, within half hour to inform that everything went well and she has arrived. Appa and Amma could not believe that I was talking to them almost instantly. Their voices were filled with absolute delight. How lucky am i, right?.

When we came home with the baby, he came down to receive us, I was so touched coz they were "home" for me in every way. Appa and Amma did everything they could, to make it as smooth as possible for me. Unexpectedly, their visa was issued for a very short time, so they had to go back after 17 days or so. They initially planned to stay for a couple of months to help me with the baby. We tried our level best to extend the visa, but to no avail.

Every single day, for those 17 days, I would wake up to Appa and Amma, patietly peeling small onions or sambar vengayam. It is fried in ghee and fed to new mothers to heal the stomach. I can never look at small onions without thinking of Appa, among a million other things.

Appa is not a very enthusiastic traveller but he came to Paris only for me. The other day, I was looking for some pictures of him to send to Anna, and I saw a picture of Appa and I, on the Seine Cruise...it made me smile :)

We lived in the centre of Paris, with an amazing view of the Eiffel Tower from my living room,kitchen... every part of the house ...We would all walk together in the evenings to Champ De Mars, it's a picture taken casually on one such evening. I have lovely memories, of being a new mother, sharing the joy with Amma and Appa, will hold that moment close to my heart for eternity.

Always there for me...ALWAYS!

2020-11-21T07:26:00.001+05:30

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)

Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.

Click here to read the sixth post ( sixth month)

I am absolutely baffled at how a loving, breathing person who's always been there, who has been a constant presence in my life since I was born, always there when I need just about anything and everything... Poof! disappears! ....He is only in my memories. When I close my eyes and try to visualize Appa, if its not as clear in my head as it is in my heart, I am in panic!!! How is that possible? Sometimes, I can't help wonder if he will come outside from his room, when i visit Madras ( when it is possible to travel, of course!). Possibly all this may seem like a bad dream...Alas...anyway, let me refocus on all the happy memories of Appa that I began to share...

I remember this long conversation with Appa on the beach about what sort of guy I prefer or would like to marry.( i grew up living very close to the beach, lucky me!). I also told him I want to work for a couple of years at least before I get married. He agreed and said it takes time to find the right guy and family.

If my memory serves right, there was a prospective guy who was a professional classical musician, I think."I don't want to marry a musician, I will end up sitting behind him playing the tampura" - I said. I definitely did'nt want to marry a doctor either. I felt he would only discuss about surgeries, illnesses and such depressing topics. Appa laughed at my naivety; he explained its not that simple. Finally, all I said was that the guy should be very tall. ( I am tall for an indian woman). At that time, I had no idea and didn't really give it a serious thought. I always say I grew up only after I got married while S was all grown up already! :P

By current standards, I got married pretty early. I met S when I was 22 and was a married woman by 23! My parents introduced me to S and boy! am i glad they did? (Prima facie, before he met him, Appa was hesitant; he felt a C.A ( Chartered Accountant) would be very boring for his efferverscent daughter while Amma was glad he was really tall and well-built for her broad-shouldered, tall daughter) and we met eventually. After he got to know him and thanks to his amazing intuition and divine intervention ( for sure!), Appa was very confident that he would be the perfect match for me. S is the first guy and only guy I ever met! (It feels like a different lifetime altogether now!).

I would like to keep a few things personal but without delving too much into detail, I can safely, confidently and (am very blessed) to say he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I owe it all to my parents, both Appa and Amma (and S's parents)! They truly love him as his own son and the love and affection is mutual. Touchwood. I doubt that I could have chosen a more perfect life partner than S, even if I had chosen someone myself! He is a lot more than just being very tall :-). I will leave it at that. I remember constantly thanking Appa and Amma for bringing S into my life.

I vividly remember being a newly-married girl and calling my folks and bawling over the phone, when i got back from work that " I am so hungry, there's nothing to eat!!!" LOL.. Depending on who picks up the phone, they would calmly ask me to drink a glass of milk or ask me to be more prepared before I leave for work. Being married and doing everything on your own suddenly, is not easy on you or the guy. Of course, over time both of us learnt to build our life together - organizing groceries, commute, home, travel, families - it is always work in progress even now.

In 2006 - 2007, when we moved to Pune, I worked for a Telecommunications company and as I walked back home or would wait for S to pick me up, sometimes, I used to have long chats with Amma/Appa. For one of Appa's birthdays, I wrote him a long, heartfelt letter. I was pleasantly surprised to see that he had kept the letter very safely even after many years. He said, " It's a lovely letter, well articulated and I can see you have understood every member of our family well.You are so good at expressing your feelings."

I am so glad I wrote him that letter, expressing all my happiness, good feelings and gratitude I truly felt. It's a big deal for me coz Appa is not too expressive and appears very detached. But he loves each one of us in his own way. People who know him understand that and cherish him anyway.

My parents were very protective of me; Appa or Anna ( I used to call him Anna as a kid) would always pick up/drop me to classes. Due to a lot of eve-teasing in buses, he got me a Kinetic Honda when I began working. But if i was not home by the usual time I did, within 5 minutues - he would be in the balcony waiting. In the next 10 minutes, the gate...mind you, these were times when there were no mobile phones. I would always call and inform if i was going to be late. They were always on guard.

Whenever I asked them something, to move somewhere to study, work in a different city, even to cut my hair - their constant reply was " Get married, and then do whatever you want"!!! I was exasperated with that answer.

I remember my friends, especially boys being terrified of coming home coz they were afraid of Appa. He appeared strict but was quite friendly once you get to know him. I would literally drag people home. Some of my friends and my brother's are pretty close to Appa, they chat with him over the phone independantly as well - there are times he is more in touch with my friends than we are!

This is a funny incident I relate to everyone. S and I, were engaged (for almost a year) before we got married. We were in different cities, we would chat online after dinner. This was at a time when you dial with the modem to connect to the internet and your phone line is busy at the same time. Our computer-modem setup was in the guest room which is outside the main home, it is an extension but within the same premises. You can easily see that I am in the room if you are in the living room.

So almost every day or maybe alternate days, I would logon to a video chat with S, in the guest room after dinner. Appa would religiously wait in the living room until I finish chatting. He was scared that it was late in the night and it would be unsafe to leave me alone, when I was indoors in the same house!!! He would be dozing off, sitting right there!!! When I asked him why he troubles himself so much when he can sleep, he would say what if someone takes you away when noone is there, so I want to be here for you. You talk as much as you want - I will be right here for you. Appa, you were always there for me and I still feel like you are always here for me.

I get all that my parents did for me much more when I became a parent. They are so giving, selfless and their all-encompassing love is more evident now when i have a child.

Appa's Mantra- "No one has ever become poor by giving"

2020-10-21T07:54:00.000+05:30

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)

Click here to read the fifth post ( fifth month!) - my brother pens his thoughts here.

"When Appa didn't have my hand, he had my back..."

I know life moves on and everybody moves on eventually, but I am still here, I want to be here , to be honest...reminscing my past, through my college days now! I am trying to hold on to my precious memories that stood out for me, with Appa.

Here's a story I wrote for the "Chicken Soup for the Indian Teenage Soul", in 2009! I got published in a book, thanks to a real-life account that illustrates what an amazing parent Appa was...I am pasting the story here for your reference.

All Grown Up

It was the year 1998 and I was about 18 years old. I used to go for accounts tuitions after college. I am an extrovert and never short of words at any time. So after class, when my friend Rishabh and I got talking about our futures, we didn’t realize we’d been having a conversation for close to two hours on the main road. It was 9.30 at night.

My dad got worried and came looking for me. He saw us standing on the road engrossed in our conversation. My dad is strict, and my brother and I are terrified of incurring his wrath. So, the minute I saw my dad, I was gripped by fear. I was mentally prepared for a showdown right in front of Rishabh. Instead, my dad smiled at me and said “Come, let’s go home. It’s really late”. I was relieved that he had not embarrassed me in front of my friend but suspected I was in for it once we got home.

To my pleasant surprise, all he did then was sit me down and say “Listen, I have no problems with your friendship with other boys and I have implicit trust in you. But, there is a time and place for everything. You can invite your friends home or vice versa and chat all you want. I don’t want complete strangers seeing you talking to guys on the street and coming to the wrong conclusion. And, for your own safety, please make sure you don’t stay out so late at night”.

I thought of what someone had rightly said: ‘Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you’ll help them to become what they are capable of being.’

Perhaps, Appa realized that he ought to get things off his chest without losing his cool, as he began to understand that I was at a sensitive age. It was heartening to hear him say that he had confidence in me. Under the circumstances, he could have drawn his own conclusions from the lateness of the hour and the company he saw me in and disciplined me as he always did. I felt happy to hear him speak so calmly and explain his views to me, as if my feelings mattered.

I felt he respected me and treated me like an adult that day. That is what every teenager secretly wants.

As a teenager, you are in the midst of developing your own individuality, and an ego in addition. At that point, if Appa had shouted at me, I would have been emotionally scarred for life with the memory of being humiliated in the presence of a fellow student, and it would have spoiled our already delicate relationship.

That day was a revelation. It transformed my attitude towards Appa. I felt proud of the faith he placed in me. Since then, I pointedly decided to never breach the trust of my parents in any way. I always inform them of my whereabouts, the friends I’m meeting, and important decisions I plan to make. In fact, I informed Appa that I am bunking classes to go for a movie instead, in college! He let me!

Appa was always very active and fit, he never looked his age. One advice or suggestion or life lesson he practised even before preaching is to help others as much as possible, financially ( whenever you have a bit of excess) and physically anytime you can. When many people come up to us, ( Amma, Anna or I) - it is always this, that he helped them when they were in distress, financially whenever it was possible. I love the fact that he never differentiated in helping, from a bank employee to a vegetable vendor - they are all human and we all need to be humane. (To this day, the vegetable vendor comes home to deliver even a bunch of coriander if Appa/Amma need something!)I know, for a fact, that he learnt this from his father, my Thatha, my grandfather.

Unfortunately, he passed away before I was born. But I know for a fact, Appa revered his father, his ideals , his innate need to help others. This is a story I have often heard from him about Thatha, exactly 10 years back... ( it was in my draft for a submission for "Chicken Soup for the Golden Soul", I thought this is the perfect time and place to share this story).

My father was a clerk in State Government service with a meagre income. He had many mouths to feed, including 8 children, his parents and parents-in-law. Often, he would not even get two proper meals in a day. Needless to say, he had never been to a hotel or a theatre or had any form of entertainment.

This incident happened in the year 1947 when I was 8 years old. It was raining heavily outside and my father who had gone to the temple, came back home fully drenched. As he entered the house, he called my mother and asked her to prepare fresh dinner quickly. My mom replied exasperatedly:

“There is hardly anything for us to eat. Infact, tonight we are all going to eat just rice and buttermilk (or curd rice as we call it, we could not even afford to have curd rice at that time for that matter).

What is the matter? Why do you want fresh dinner now? – My mother enquired.

“The poor madman near the temple seems to be suffering from fever. He is not able to get up, his body is shivering. He seems to be very hungry too. He needs immediate attention.” – My father replied.

We all knew that madman; we had seen him outside the temple. A tall fair man, around 65-70 years old, with long hair and a flowing white beard, he would talk to himself or curse someone all the time. A man of pride, he would not beg for alms. People visiting the temple would give him some money or eatables of their own volition. He did not have many belongings except for one or two dhotis and a bag on his shoulder. It was believed that he was from an illustrious family. His own avaricious relatives tormented him, drove him out of the house and usurped his wealth. This trauma drove him mad. Since then, he stayed at the temple.

My mother asked -

“Are you crazy? That chap is a beggar and a madcap, we ourselves have nothing much to eat and manage somehow! It’s raining cats and dogs outside. It’s already 10 in the night, now you want me to prepare fresh dinner for the sake of that man? Are you mad?”

My father got wild and shouted at her, “Don’t talk nonsense. He has nobody else to take care of him. Do as I say.” Having said that to my mother, my father left in the pouring rain to bring the man home in an auto rickshaw.

Cursing her fate, my mother went inside grudgingly to prepare fresh dinner. My father returned with the man, served dinner to him caringly and asked him to stay over for the night in our house. Next morning, the rain stopped. He was offered a cup of coffee and then with an expression of gratitude he left the place blessing us all.

That night I learnt about love and respect for fellowmen. It is not too difficult to give little in charity when you have plenty. However, the desire and eagerness to help others regardless of your own circumstances is truly noble. I am 71 now and this is just one of several incidents that have deeply influenced my way of thinking. Since then, I have always tried to help others as much as possible and strongly believe that God helps you to help others.

More than anything else, I remember my father for his charity and follow his example till date. I have encouraged my children to have similar values and I hope that they continue in the same vein. Remember, the more you give, the more you get.

Appa's Birthday Month!

2020-09-21T10:44:00.000+05:30

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

Click here to read the fourth post ( fourth month!)

September 18th is Appa's birthday, he would have been 81 this year. I thought it would be befitting for my one and only brother ( elder) to write a post about Appa this month. He is blessed and lucky to have spent most of his adult life with both Appa and Amma. I really envy him for that alone! :-)

When Janani asked me to pitch in with my thoughts for the montly series of memories about Appa, I was in a fix - what do I write?? I am not a story teller, I don't have a flair for writing like Janani. Additionally, she is always very expressive whereas I am a little subdued. However, I am still going to give this a shot as it is “APPA” and I will put down some of my experiences.

I am touching upon a lighter topic, since it is his birthday this month and I want to make it a happy relatable memory for all of us.

Appa and Food

For people who don’t know Appa, or the little they know of him, he was not very particular about food. He had the habit of not talking while eating and he has maintained this habit from the age of 12(this is something phenomenal I think as this needs a lot of discipline). Hence when we all sit to eat together and eat he would not talk at all. So even if the cooking needed salt or was salty he would never comment, he would just eat it as-is. Amma/ J or I would realise only when we eat and modify accordingly.

Appa was also a fantastic cook, not that Amma is not ;-) Both of us have learnt so much of cooking from him. He was famous for his Curries, Rava upma, Sakkarai Pongal (Sweet dish) etc. Appa’s Rava Upma is to die for… I realized that he relished food so much when we see him being particular about the ingredients, needed for the dish. He would insist on cooking it himself. I chanced upon so many recipes that he had collected and written down very meticulously while going through his dairies.

That was no surprise given he was an absolute perfectionist!

Even when we go out for Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner he would be very specific about the places we go to or the food that he eats. Breakfast would be Pongal & Vadai or Rava Dosa. If it is Idly, it has to be the Adyar Sangeetha - he wouldn’t go anywhere else. He would say "I don’t get such soft Idlys and the sambar that goes with it anywhere else".

Lunch mostly would be the Woodlands, and it would be the South Indian Thali. We would all know what he would order if he comes out for food with us, it would be the Bhindi sabji with Naan, or the Rava dosa as I had stated earlier. Even while he was in Paris with Janani, he would be very specific about the Indian restaurants there and would comment on the quality not being up to the mark.

I was the most obedient, soft and gullible between the two of us ( note the sarcasm!), that I was always awarded the best of the punishments given the fact that Appa was a strict disciplinarian. I apparently told him exasperatedly, during one such episode " Iru ..iru, nan periyavan aaanapram, ungalukku thayir saadam dan tharuven"...roughly translates to " Wait, wait...when I grow up, I will give you only curd rice"!!! J… He would relate this to everyone very often, laughing about it. He would comment that at least he says he will give me curd rice, that's more than enough! Now that he is not around I feel "oh my god I can never sit next to you and share our banter while having food…"

He would not want us to order food through Swiggy or Zomato because the food would not be piping hot. He would walk up to the street corner tea shop ( Nair Kadai) and bring home those crispy Vadai and he would say "Nair Vadai thaan da Best" ( Nair shop vadais are the best!)... Appa, I miss you whenever I cross that shop and see the bubbling vadais being fried.

He would frequent Mylapore in Chennai, for buying his quota of flowers for his daily puja. His visits would always culminate with Mami kadai Vadai and Bajjis near the Kapaleeswarar temple. He preferred sweets to savories. Poli and Mini Jaangri from A2B, Bombay Halwa from Parrys (no not the France one ;-) but in Chennai, India. He was a diabetic but under control, he would never worry about it, he would say the days he eats few more sweets, we can always take an extra dose of the medicine. He would never say no to Pakodas (Crisp and hot!). He would buy it and come and offer it to all of us.

Appa also LOVED coffee. He would never say no to an extra cup when offered. During J&S visits to India, there would always be a coffee session at 11... this would be prepared for S only by Appa with lots of love and exactly to his preference. In the earlier days, he would go all the way to T Nagar to buy a specific combination of filter coffee powder from Pandien Coffee. Needless to say, it would not be without a visit to Geetha Café or the Balaji Bhavan for his round of Dosas.

He used to make amazing Sakkarai Pongal and Rava Kesari during the many pujas done at home as an offering to god. He would insist on making it himself and it would turn out to be Yummmm with extra ghee and nuts. He would say if there is no ghee then there is no Pongal or Kesari. When others cook any sweet dish he would say it is nice but a little more sweet would make it better to suit my taste. My wife would always say "Appa, this is made exactly to match your taste" which meant there is always an extra spoon of sweetness to the dish.

This month happens to be his birthday as well (18th Sep). He would love his birthdays and would tell us that every 18^th of the month would be his birthday and he would celebrate it. Any birthday in the family will have one payasam or the other made by Appa. His ask of gifts playfully will always be in gold. He would ask us "how much of Gold are u gifting me???"

In India the 80th birthday (Sathabhishekam) is very auspicious and is celebrated in a grand manner. Sathabhishekam is the set of Poojas and rituals that are performed for the couple when the 81st year starts or when 80th year gets completed. It is usually organized by the couple’s children. This is considered as one of the most important function in our Hindu Traditions. It is performed when the person completes 80th and enters the 81. The birthday is celebrated in accordance to the Nakshtra (Star) that a person is born rather than the English birthday.

The 80^th birthday according to Indian traditional customs goes this way that when a person sees 1000 full moon in his lifetime (Pirai in Tamil) based on the lunar calendar he completes 80. Appa would have celebrated it in May. Technically he did see 1000 moon in his lifetime given the fact that life does form while you are in the womb and if we included it he did complete 1000 Pirai.

Wishing you a very happy birthday Appa.

He was a perfectionist. Anything that he did had to be perfect. Something both of us strive to emulate. He would make sure it was perfect and always on time. Very disciplined in life. So much to learn from u, our guiding light, friend, philosopher.

Naina (that’s how I fondly call him) Sangeetha beckons u…..

A little piece of me…Baby Girl is 8 years old today!

2020-08-21T21:30:00.001+05:30

This year, S alias Baby Girl's Appa does the honour of writing to her....on her birthday!

…cramming the gaps between rare moments of silence (when she is out playing) are conversations with 8-year old Baby Girl, candid beyond imagination and, in this past year, turbo-charged by experiential learning of:

riots, protests, and tear gas thanks to the pro-democracy movement in Hong Kong
face masks, disinfectant, and hand sanitiser thanks to the frightful pandemic
· zoom, Alexa, google suite and peerless tech skills thanks to virtual schooling.

..and the questions she asks often leave us tongue-tied and Baby Girl solemnly advising "Just google it, Appa!"

Baby Girl’s 8^th year unleashed a potent combination of creativity, intelligence (full credit to genes from me) and a wild/ weird streak, no idea where that came from 😉. I love the resulting pretty and colourful artwork, innovative DIY homes for her “pets” and clever lego creations (picture water slides from the resident’s top-floor bedroom straight to her swimming pool). she even makes us cards for every occasion with special “emojis” and customised with our favourite colours…

the dainty package that we “handled with care” has grown into a 8-year old bundle of energy. she has now earned the freedom to venture out by herself in the immediate neighbourhood. an unexpected by-product of this are the multitude of cuts and bruises bumping into things, falling over, scraping through bushes and the like. she takes this sportingly and never fusses over her injuries, casually pointing out each mark/ scar and recalling how she got it…

her discerning diet of milk and mildness has slowly morphed into a diversified appetite embracing variety – from the ageless Tambram staple of Thayir Saadam + Urulaikazhangu roast (curd rice and potato roast, a family favourite which J and I also list in our top 3 favourite foods) to Garlic Naan + Paneer sabzi but remains faithful to the customary Generation Alpha favourite – Pizza!

we only managed a single holiday trip in the last year but Baby Girl loved KL and Langkawi. she said she would have preferred to fly in a “sleeping plane” (business class) but graciously accepted to fly with us in Economy! she was thrilled with our visit to the bird park but was quite concerned that the birds had to stay within the nets and could not fly free as God made them. most of our days in Langkawi were spent in Baby Girl’s favourite places – in the pool or on the beach but Baby Girl had the incredible experience of holding a huge snake in her hands during the resort’s animal interaction event. J and I were incredibly proud (and a bit amazed) that she was so fearless and actually smiling and enjoying herself…

the last year has been a landmark year for all the wrong reasons, particularly in Hong Kong but this has been a blessing in disguise for us. J and I have been at home much more than usual: extensively working from home during the pro-democracy protests and almost exclusively in 2020. with Baby Girl’s school adopting “home learning”, we’ve spent time in semi-isolation in each other’s company – hours, days, months working/schooling from home…so every day is Friday!

God bless you Baby Girl…we look forward to more crazy stories, squabbling over Dobble games and heated debates over who loves whom more, among the 3 of us!

Lots of love and blessings,

Appa and Amma

Your memory is all I have...

2020-08-21T11:05:00.000+05:30

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

Click here to read the third post ( third month!)

"Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows"

they say time heals grief, loss...I'd personally say, with time, I have learnt to acknowledge the fact but accepting and moving on is a gradual process...I am working on it.

When I listen to good music, I think of him...

When I have good food or something he would love, I think of him...

When I am praying or listening to devotional songs, I think of him...Appa always was very spiritual, so automatically my mind goes on default mode to Appa

Hell, funny thing is....I was watching a movie with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson in it and tears streamed down my face...interestingly, Appa is a big fan of WWF, which is such a contrast to his personality!

I remember how he would check the WWF schedule in the paper, finish all his work, pooja, ahead of time...and tell us all that he is reserving the T.V, for a certain period of time! LOL...we used to smile inwardly at his child-like enthusiasm and excitement as he cheered for his favorite wrestling star!

I have a big, beautiful picture of Appa and Amma, deliriously happy, holding my baby girl. I can vividly remember that day too. Initially, I would look everywhere but at that picture, it was hard for me. With time, my viewpoint is different. I look at his picture and its almost life-like, I feel like he is right there smiling at me...on some day, i feel reassured and on some others, i feel an overwhelming sense of loss. I am saying like it is.

What I have begun to love about writing this series about Appa, apart from jogging my memory to acknowledge, appreciate and share about my amazing father - is the sheer happiness and emotion with which Amma calls me and discusses it. I am so happy that I can make Amma feel happy in some way, even if remotely.

I am not sure about kids world over but every Indian kid will relate to this. I was writing my Xth Board exams and I was a studious child who worried about my scores like my whole life depended on it (how silly I was!)...Amma and Appa never really cared, it was never a big deal in my household. i mean, they insisted that we do our best academically, but there was no pressure. They pressured us more on being better persons by nature and, for me, Carnatic music!!

My cousin was getting married and I was in the wedding hall locked inside the room fervently studying for my social studies exam. All my other cousins were together and having fun. My heart was totally with them but in my mind, I felt I had to study, so I stayed indoors. Appa saw my dilemma and told me to enjoy myself with all my cousins. He said he would coach me later so I will be ready for the exams! I readily agreed at once, had my share of fun.

I absolutely panicked a couple of days before the exam. I remember waking Appa at 3 AM and crying that i was going to fail the exam. He smiled and assured me that I would do just fine and we would begin prepping at dawn! At the crack of dawn, we began studying together. He painstakingly went through all my study material - history, geography and civics (Appa studied Chemistry, he helped me understand equations too really well). He coached me for two days in all three disciplines, helped me focus on what's important and what's not...I fared really well in the exam, all thanks to Appa!

I also vividly remember sitting with Appa after every exam, calculating how much I would score! I would always come up with a higher number while Appa would give a realistic score and the final result would be somewhere in-between! He insisted that I had to take maths, no matter what, in my XI and XII. While I grudingly agreed only coz I had no choice, when I moved to college - maths, statistics and analytics were a breeze! I never admitted to him that he was right!

When it was time to choose in what discipline I wanted to graduate in, I told him I wanted to do Law. He knew everything and he said just because your close friend A (ahem!) is doing law, you can't move cities to pursue law, no way! :)

I realize that these incidents really stand out in my memory because he came through when I needed him most, like he told me through his actions: "you can count on me, no matter what!".

If I appear confident to most people, I owe it to my Appa and Amma for instilling that confidence in me. I am quite temperamental and emotional by nature. But I genuinely draw strength from my parents when I am down...they instantly drop everything to make sure I am ok - physically and emotionally. Even as an adult, I need them and they have both always been there for me and my brother. I am forever grateful coz I know as a matter of fact that not every parent is like that.

Appa is known to be very strict and everyone is a bit scared around him. But in reality, he always listened to me, I always appreciated how he treated me as an individual and respected my point of view, even as a child. I am not scared of Appa, I love and respect him. I have always felt only when you do something wrong, you feel fear. I had nothing to be scared of...

On a totally different note, tomorrow is my baby girl's birthday (she turns 8 on 22nd August). I had to go through a few losses before Aaradhya came to me, thanks to the blessings of many people in my life, especially the prayers of Appa and Amma. I will always remember what Appa told me..." Don't spoil her just because she is your only child or that you fervertly prayed for her....she does not know that. I know you will love her and bring her up to the best of your abilities. Don't go overboard, such that she does not understand the value of it". I will always remember that. I know she has his choicest blessings, she is his favorite child, even more than me! (he used to tease me all the time that she is so much more beautiful than his own daughter!)

I naively thought, he would be around even after she got married....

I have so much left to say about you, Appa!

2020-07-21T08:31:00.000+05:30

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Click here to read the second post ( second month!)

It may be three months since...and on my part,

I really try to keep myself busy with the things I do, but everytime I pause I only think of you...

There are some difficult times in life, that leave a mark on you in a positive way! It was this incident that made a mark in our lives. We lived away from Amma for about two years as she was transferred to a different city, I must have been a 12 or 13 year old girl then. Appa took care of me and my elder brother, during that time in Madras while Amma was in Bangalore. It's a difficult age to be away from your mother and I always thought it was the hardest on me. I realize now how difficult a period it must have been, for Appa - to live away from his loving wife, to singlehandedly take care of a pre-teen and a teenager!

Boy! He single handedly (yes, single handedly, he had no help from anyone absolutely) took care of us. He fed us, taught us, made it special even on festivals and every time Amma would visit, he would make it a very happy time for all of us. Few things that really stood out for me -

1. Every evening, after school, he made us both sit down and learn "Hanuman Chalisa" every day so that we could sing and present the full version to Amma when she came. Amma was ecstatic when we sang in tune, and by heart!

2. He understood that being away from Amma was really hard on me ( I would cry copiously every single time she needed to travel back to Bangalore!). So he had secretly recorded a loving wake up message from Amma in her voice, he would play it in the morning to wake me up! It really made my day to hear her voice. I say this specifically coz growing up, Appa was very strict and Amma was very lenient. We were terrified of incurring his wrath while Amma could be cajoled easily.

(in this picture, L-R, My cousin Athma, myself, Appa and Amma)

3. What stood out for me in all this; once, after Amma was returning to Bangalore after spending the weekend with us in Madras, I was really upset and crying. Appa tried to console me, he sat me down and explained softly, patiently (which is an exception to the norm as he was always quite short tempered, no time or patience to cajole or convince!) to me. He said ( in tamizh, of course...we don't converse in English at home!)

"Do you realize how hard it is for Amma? If you cry like this everytime she leaves, that's the image in her mind all the way back to Bangalore...do you want her to feel sad and more lonely than she already feels?

We should all try to make the most of it, be happy and send her with happy thoughts...after all, we have each other. She is all alone there without any of us, her own family!( Amma stayed with her elder brother's family (My Mama) who were loving and equally her family in Bangalore)....you should never cry and add to her problems, be the solution that she will definitely come back to....very soon! I never cried after that, even though I longed for her just the same.

Now that I am married and a mother, I can only imagine how hard it must have been, for both of them as a couple and as parents. I am very blessed that I would probably have the option to quit if such a situation arises. Appa and Amma did'nt have that choice but never complained or even mentioned in our lifetime that we sacrificed our time together for you. I am very grateful and blessed for life lessons such as this on parenting and partnership in every sense!

I never took my parents for granted, after that! to be honest, I never did before the transfer either. All my memories are happy memories of all of us spending time together as a family, eating together and having fun together, in general. I realize now that Appa and Amma never went out by themselves, all they did was spend every free minute with us. How selfless that is?

I strongly believe that I am a well-rounded, happy individual - thanks to my happy childhood, the secure feeling I got while growing up and how immensely proud my parents were. They would often, appreciate, praise and encourage me in every way possible! It definitely made me a confident person who was very proud of her roots.

Thank you for being my parents, Appa( and Amma)!

Always looking for your broken index finger...Appa!

2020-06-21T10:06:00.000+05:30

Click here to read the first post ( first month!)

Today marks two months since you moved to a different dimension of life, Appa!

I am a very expressive person, both emotionally and physically. I hug, kiss and express myself freely, I tend to touch your arm or pull someone's arm when I talk, subconsciously. On the contrary, Appa is not expressive at all, very disciplined and extremely organized. He will not touch anyone unless required and vice versa.

I am an exception to that rule. I would always plonk myself on his lap ( even as a fully grown adult!), smother him with hugs and kisses. I remember every physical aspect about him, he would always be very well dressed, well-groomed, smell of sandalwood powder or cuticura ( a brand thats popular in India), his smooth skin, broad nose, stern expressions ( when we were growing up!), rare hearty laughs and his broken index finger. I have asked him repeatedly for the story about his broken index finger...

When he was a little boy of maybe 7 - 8 years old, he was cleaning the fan. My memory is hazy but he ended up cutting his finger, it got cut off through the blade or hook. Here's a little boy, looking at his cut finger on the floor! Inadvertently, he just picked it up and held on to its position until they reached the hospital hurriedly. The doctor appreciated his quick thinking and they were able to retain his entire hand!! As a result, his index finger will look slightly different.

When Appa and I traveled on public transport, the men and women are often separated, on different aisles. If it was a crowded bus - I would patiently scan through the hands holding the railing - Dang! I could always spot his broken index finger and feel a sense of relief that I can locate him when we need to get off or when we reach our destination. (I would often doze off with the slightest whiff of cool air. Appa would repeatedly warn me to be alert!).

Before going to sleep, he would wash his face, put on talcum powder and freshen up! As a kid, I used to ask " why do you get ready when you are going to sleep?" and he would jokingly say " I want to look good in my dreams too"!!!

As an adult who has her own family now and a daughter, I truly appreciate and acknowledge that I grew up in a gender-neutral household. All of us chipped in with the housework, Amma and Appa both cooked, my brother and I had our share of chores. We all did our bit together, so that we all relaxed together as a family.

We ALWAYS ate together as a family, no separate meals in our home ( something from my childhood that I continue with my little family too!). An interesting fact about Appa is that he will NOT talk while eating. In all his life, he has never talked during any meal. It takes a lot of discipline to do that every single day, its nearly impossible for me :-). If I wanted permission to do something or go somewhere, I would ask him only while eating.

I would pretend as if I did'nt understand what he was saying (he would answer through sign language as he won't talk) and run away! Of course, in reality, I totally understood what he was saying!

Another strong memory about food I remember is that, on a weekend or a Friday night, if we were bored or disinterested about dinner - he would mix Thayir Saadam ( curd rice) with Vetha kuzhambu (spicy tamarind stew?) / vegetable stir-fry of the day and Amma, Anna ( I called my brother Anna as a kid) and i would sit around him. We would extend our hands and he would lovingly, tirelessly serve bite-sized balls of rice. He would say " You guys eat much better when I give you like this rather than the times you eat yourself ". Ah! I would do anything to have that ball of rice from him, right now.

During summer vacations, our big treat was tutti frutti ice cream! I would patiently wait until dinner is over, run to the freezer and hand over the 1-kg container. I would always insist that i am served last ( I felt that I would get a larger portion that way!), he would smile and give me extra. I know, he always served me an extra dollop of ice cream, an extra dollop of love too!

It's been a month, Appa!

2020-05-21T06:42:00.005+05:30

" A father doesn't tell you he loves you. He shows you ". Oh boy! He SHOWED me how much he loved me, in a million ways all his life.

Appa passed away on the 21st of April, 2020. I had asked him to write a hand-written letter to me earlier last year, as a keepsake. One of his key advice to me was that I should be strong emotionally. I should learn to face everything in life with a strong determination, never break down.

I always call Appa( and Amma) first, to give a detailed account of my happy news, bad news, times of panic, when I am unwell ( or it's S or Aaradhya), when I need reassurance, when I need to simply hear their voice...it's like just talking to them calms me down and everything's well with my world. Life will never be the same without you, not being able to hug you or see you in flesh and blood...I know you will always be around in spirit! Yet...I break down every morning when I realize that he is no more.

Every small detail or the big stuff remind me of Appa every single day. As I grieved for his loss, that aspect stood out for me. When you lose a parent, it leaves a void that can never be filled. But I do not want to cry ( I know its ok to cry!). I want to remind myself, Amma, Anna and all those who loved him and knew him to remember him, honour his memories, share all the happy moments I shared with this amazing man, to whom I was born, a lucky and blessed daughter.

Every month on the 21st until a year, I will share a memory, revisit those times - as a child, an adolescent, an adult, a wife, a mother and most importantly - his daughter! We will take a journey through memory lane, converse through the blog - share all the good times, his wit and humour, his guidance, his lessons, our happy moments together.

My earliest memory of Appa, is when I went to kindergarten just down the road, from our home in Madras (South India). Appa had his own business and operated close by. So he had the flexibility to pick me up from school and take me home. We had only half-day school, we would take naps after lunch there until a parent or caregiver comes to pick the child up.

In my lackadaisical state, I vividly remember safely ensconced in Appa's strong shoulders, my hands nestled in the nape of his neck, touching his soft skin. Appa is a reasonably tall man but in my mind, he was the tallest person I had ever seen! I felt really proud that MY Appa is SO TALL ! I would brag to all my friends that he is the tallest among all :).

As I grew up, I was curious like any other toddler and asked a lot of questions. Please click here to read this account. Appa loudly chuckles when he read this on the blog. He would say to me, " you are too innocent, you believe anything i say!". My brother would not buy something like that! ha ha ha...

Over the years, he would always tell me that I have a "Golden Heart", it means that I am straight forward, like to see the good in people. I cherish that compliment and hope to always live up to his expectations, his "Golden Girl", Indeed, I will be... APPA!

You are 7, going on 17!

2019-08-22T00:00:00.000+05:30

Dear Baby Girl,

...this is what i feel every year but it needs to be said out loud...you are growing up way too fast! PERIOD. you are 7 years old, 7 YEARS OLD! When i buy clothes online, i have to look at the "older girls" category for you now - you, an older girl?? I am in denial...

...actually, sometimes i do feel like that already....especially with all the sass, attitude and instant retorts to everything i say. Where in the world did you learn to reply like that? Appa and I are often perplexed with all the defiance and attitude....however( thankfully!) when i am angry or cross with you, you come over with a glass of water, make me lie down and massage my legs! ...and very calmly speak to me "Amma, i think you are very tired...take some rest".

I love it when sometimes, you always save a treat or something special for Appa and gingerly offer it to him when he is back from work. sigh, my little baby is all grown up.

There are times when i am overwhelmed and worried about something or my folks ( i am human and of course, i have my moments), and she comes over and gives me a big hug and reassures me. These are lovely moments that make me feel very blessed and happy that you are so loving and kind.

I fervently hope and pray this remains and extends to everyone around you. you are a beautiful little girl, inside and out - stay that way, my baby girl.

A huge deal for us, we went on a solo trip to Korea, just you and i, without Appa with T chithi and Vaishnavi. You were really well-behaved (mostly!), we had a lot of fun and it was our first trip to a place even Appa has not been to! Score!! I am sure we will do a lot of fun trips together soon...

you got your first "star of the week" at school and you nonchalantly handed it to me as you got down from the bus, on your way back home from school.

i was pleasantly surprised to see you get this and a little bit shocked! ....my naughty girl so well-behaved at school? this is the beginning of many more such wins, my darling! :0)

You are the perfect example of "where there's a will, there's a way" and boy, are you strong-willed? Appa and I were simply amazed how you mastered skating absolutely on your own! You are such a pro, all thanks to your constant practicing at home, starting from brushing your teeth in skates to virtually until you sleep in skates! you relentlessly pursue something until you are really good at it, its an amazing quality and something you should develop as you grow and apply it to all positive things in life. You have also begun to cycle independently this year with no training wheels.

The "tooth fairy" visited you so many times this year and you lost at least 6 teeth all around the same time. Gopal thatha makes fun of you that your mouth is like a "postbox" now, a big hole right in front.

As a family, we are very lucky and blessed to be able to travel often and we should really count our blessings. We chilled out in Bali last summer and you literally lived on the beach and pools, a very relaxing holiday, another destination ticked off our bucket list.

We had a epic holiday in December to New Zealand. Appa and I have always wanted to go there as we fell in love with the place after watching "The Lord of the Rings"...and it was all that we ever thought it would be....we were thrilled to see you appreciate the natural beauty, your love for animals, fearless, adventurous spirit ...as we traveled. you related the incident about how you visited a real farm and fed baby goats with a bottle to almost everyone we met! ;-)

We had a mini-break and went to Macau and managed to go to India ( spent some quality time with both sets of grandparents, meet some of our friends, etc.) twice this year! You are such a lucky girl who has traveled to so many countries already! Well, we both would love for you to be able to travel the world, enrich your mind, body and soul....that's what travel does to you. I personally think it also teaches you to appreciate and respect different cultures, cuisines and people.

We have seen a marked improvement in your tamizh and hopefully, you will speak your mother tongue fluently. I could see you making an effort to converse in tamizh with Thatha and Patti and was pleasantly surprised to hear you converse when noone is paying attention to you. I have realized that the key is to just let you be, you will eventually catch up, but we will never stop trying! After all, you understand everything we speak, be it in tamizh, hindi, english or even telugu! cheppoddu!

It is important to speak your mother-tongue, be proud of your roots and where you are from...no matter where you are, you must embrace your language, your culture....gives you a sense of identity. trust me, you will understand as you grow up and learn different things or meet different people.

Darling, we love you with all our hearts and will love you no matter what. Continue to enrich the lives of everyone around you, also stay happy, have fun, be spontaneous and wild but always remember that it is more important to be kind and loving to everyone and to yourself!

We love you to the moon, and back!

Lots of love and blessings,
Amma & Appa