seasons of life...

Differences That Don't Belong or The Truth Behind Our Differences

2013-04-19T19:29:00.003-07:00

Makiya was racing around the play area, trying to find someone to play with, deciding which piece of equipment to tackle next, pleasantly occupied, so I wandered back over to my mom and her husband, who was intently watching a group of kids playing on the spinner. He quickly filled me in on what he had just witnessed; a little boy, only six or seven years old, nastily, physically, and roughly pushed two girls to the side as he forced his way onto the spinner, proclaiming that “the man goes first!”

I sputtered, coughed, choked as he relayed the story, and my attention returned to the boy. What I continued to see stunned me; I felt sickened.

He seemed to zero in on one little girl in particular, who was only around the age of three. He would literally charge towards her, like a bull having spotted a red flag; the cartoon image of smoke streaming from his ears and flared nostrils flitted through my mind. He pulled her back towards the spinner, yelling something at her as he shoved her forward, and then tossed her aside as he again hopped onto the spinner. There was another, older girl, who tried to intervene, telling him to stop and reminding him of how little this other child was, but he had no qualms about showering aggression back upon her. I stood there, doing a little tippy-toe dance as I felt drawn in, needing to intervene, but then more parents would slide in front, blocking me, only to move again, giving me access to the situation once again; back and forth, back and forth, should I say something, should I not… He paced back and forth, between the two identical spinners, huffing and puffing, “Grrr… the girls get this one too?!” Finally, there was a threat to tell, and an interest in the location of his mom, and the boy raced off.

It took a few moments to locate the mother, sitting, hidden behind the climbing bars and slide, chatting away with another mother. It didn’t take long to realize she wasn’t paying attention to the actions of her son, and even less time to consider that, even at the young age of six or seven, it was very possible this little boy left his mother feeling intimidated, perhaps even scared.

This little boy carried himself with a look upon his face unlike anything I have seen in a child, or maybe I have, in a horror movie. Evil came to mind afterwards, harsh, but true. He looked more like an adult male, a man who had been tortured and tormented, left in a state of rage.

Glad that he hadn’t attempted to unleash any of his hostility on my own daughter, I tried to distract myself from it, and we soon left the play area. As we left, we came upon the boy again. He had removed his shoes and had his feet in the fish ponds; we were in an indoor natural area. He quickly pulled out of the water as he shouted threats at another, older boy and went running after him.

The whole situation left me feeling very agitated and angry, and a little judgemental. I spewed off a few things, including that he would likely spend a lot of time in jail, at an early age.

What it was in truth, was, and is a very sad situation; that a child so young could have been shown, taught and lived through enough horror to leave him in such a state.

(While there are some details that I have purposely left out, in an attempt not to offend anyone, the roots of this little boys actions and words are buried in his family, their lifestyle and beliefs... While I respect all of our insights, beliefs, ways of life, and the right to them, there are differences that are sometimes shown to be just plain offensive and inappropriate.)

Life Lessons in Our "Less Than Perfect-Mom" Moments"

2013-03-01T18:50:00.003-08:00

I was having one of “those” nights last night. Again.

There are just so many things not going smoothly in my life, and aside from feeling worn out from the stress and worry, I am tired of battling with Ms. Magoo, which in turn makes me question myself, worrying that I am not doing it all “right” with her.

By the time we got to her bedroom at bedtime I felt ready to crack. Tears spilled over, and I couldn’t seem to get myself under control for over half an hour.

Then, as these things happen, I sat down to check out Facebook and some blogs that I follow. Great timing.

First up was a great read, shared by Pamela Price, and Marnie Craycroft, called “Yeah. I’m THAT mom.” by Amanda Morgan of Not Just Cute. I almost continued to cry as I read, but realized I was feeling comforted by Amanda’s words. She reminded me that we are not alone. While we can try to tell ourselves over again that we are not the only one who makes mistakes, sometimes we need to actually hear it from another mother to really get it: we can’t be perfect, do it all and get it right every time.

Next, I popped over to a blog I recently discovered, Winds of Lindy, man this girl has a way with words! I read through some of her posts from the week that I had missed, and again, found myself feeling soothed by Lindy’s words as she too spoke of this illusion of perfection that we, as mothers, seem to strive for.

We can only do the best that we can, and each and every one of us makes mistakes. That is part of learning and growing.

Which is one of the most important things that we can teach our children: to get up, try again and learn from their mistakes.

So instead of beating ourselves up when we have a rough day, perhaps we should be patting ourselves on the back for a job well done.

Keeping our chin up, doing the best we can and making the most of it all; those are not really bad things to be teaching our kids are they?

Be the Monkey

2013-02-24T05:00:00.000-08:00

My thoughts are often dominated by my daughter, pondering what I want her to know, feel, experience and what I don’t. In my mind, for some of the most important things to stick, to become part of her thoughts and beliefs, they need to be instilled early on.

It is important to me that she never feels embarrassed or afraid to be herself, and that she feels free to express her thoughts and feelings, no matter what. I don’t want her to worry about being judged by anyone for any reason.

In order for her to learn that, I believe that she has to see it.

In the most sacred of moments, perfectly timed chances, my daughter catch me by surprise, as we walk down a busy street, stand on a crowded train platform or in line at the store, and she invites me into her magical fantasy world.

In these situations, I could become trapped by thoughts of what people will think, but instead, my concern is only with what will go through her mind, what she will take away from the moment.

I joyfully dive in, full of pride and a sense of freedom; I become the monkey swinging from trees, the wolf howling at the moon, the performer belting out some wacky song, with moves to go along with it, whatever creature or character I am directed to be, I become. I join her in that wondrous place between imagination and reality, where anything and everything is possible.

When the moment calls for monster that chases and captures children for dinner, or a hungry, roaring lion to feed its hissing snake baby, or a twinkly, spinning dance across the sidewalk, count me in.

When I see her face light up with delight and admiration, I am satisfied on so many levels, knowing that in that one moment, she received a lifetime of positive lessons and memories.

And so did I.

Quit Waiting - Just Do It!

2013-02-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever spent time waiting for the “right time”, or thinking, “if it is meant to be, then it will be”?

I know I have. Truthfully, I realize that I have lost a lot of time lingering in this place of waiting.

There is never a “right time”, as perfectly formed as it exists within the mind’s eye. And, for something to BE, that would involve putting forth the effort to make it so.

One could spend their entire life waiting on one flawless moment, or for the timing to be ideal for another person, and ultimately never accomplish the things they hope and dream to.

If it is the right thing for you, then the time is NOW.

Everything else will fall into place exactly as it should.

Life will absorb the rest; the people, the circumstances, the money, the time, it will all respond as is intended.

If there is something you want, go out there and get it!

The time will never be more perfect than it is now.

Day of the Grumpy Bitch

2013-02-12T18:51:00.000-08:00

No beating around the bush on this one; I was a grumpy bitch today.

“Why?” and “What’s wrong?” were certainly not the questions I wanted to answer. I am sure the loud, high pitched response, “What isn’t wrong?!” wasn’t the desired answer to the questions either.

It wasn’t just one thing, it was several things weighing heavily on the mind, and that damn Tupperware lid that ceased to appear was just icing on the whole disgusting cake.

It’s definitely been one of those days where the crazy just keeps piling up, and, there was no relief to be found for the tight looking, screwed up face with eyes that could kill if you look too deeply into them.

As the day finally begins to wind down, the tears begin to fall.

Regret at wasting a day being stuck in such a dark place, not finding (enough) time to laugh and giggle with my girl and allowing anger, sarcasm and impatience to rule instead.

Well, it was what it was. No changing that now.

I did what I could, and that’s that.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Bring on the beautiful, fresh new day. Let the sun shine brightly and the laughter flow freely.

I can’t wait.

Lesson of the Week

2013-02-10T19:13:00.001-08:00

The past few months (perhaps if I were to be completely honest, I would admit that it’s actually been closer to a year) have held vast amounts of uncertainty and worry in my life, and I realize how that has impacted the job I have been doing as a Mommy.

Days where my inability to concentrate or fully BE with my daughter have added up, run together and become more of a consistency at times than the days where she was my world, fully. I “have” to do this or that, it’s time to make lunch/dinner, we have to go to the store, it’s “time” for this and that, “in a minute honey!”, “not now”, “later”, all becoming more and more frequent.

I have observed changes in her that I, out of feelings of guilt, attribute to the change in our patterns.

It makes me feel horrible. I have moments where these realizations cause me to panic.

After allowing stress to be the ruler of our days for so long, and tired of the walls closing in around us, I hit a point in the past week where I decided that it was time to let her have some fun. I found a couple of new, free activities for us to attend; I wanted to get out and do some things that were new and different, in addition to the regular Storytime at the library and her Music Class.

What started out as a plan with the best of intentions, I now realize, was not the required prescription.

Instead, I feel totally wiped out; not to mention the gazillion things that didn’t get done this week.

My girl? She is exhausted and cranky.

She hit the nail on the head when we got home this afternoon, just in time for me to start dinner, “I just want you to sit down and read with me!”

Lesson of the week: She doesn’t want to do more, get out more, see more. She wants me. Fully present, happy, fun and engaging, ME.

Gift From an Angel

2013-02-08T19:27:00.000-08:00

That time of year again, when my mind drifts backwards, slipping back to the day that is now seventeen years ago.

My belief that things happen for reason, nothing is an accident or a coincidence, falters, and I am blindsided by that old feeling of fault and blame.

Forever etched in my mind and heart; like a scar.

I am sure that for the rest of my life I will remember this day, in full detail. All of the time that led up to the day and even the brief period afterwards; and sadly, it will not be a day of happy recollection.

Deep down inside, I know and I can say, rationally, that what happened was a plan that had nothing to do with me; it was someone else’s journey, the path that was meant for them and my own path did nothing to effect theirs.

Somehow though, I can never seem to fully accept that as the truth.

Had I not been willing to be an active participant in something that I knew was not right, perhaps several other paths wouldn’t have had to take a turn down a horrifying, heartbreaking and dark road. If I had not been involved, maybe their lives would have been brighter and happier, not broken by sadness and loss.

Is it right that I put such a heavy weight upon my own shoulders, by accepting blame that was never voiced? Is it selfish of me, just as I was then, to even consider that they would waste time and energy blaming me?

A family that likely would have encountered the same issues, whether it was me or another, met with something bigger than all of that could have ever amounted to. And it wasn’t someone else, it was me. While I may not be to “blame”, physically, I didn’t cause it to happen, I did add other physical and mental stresses that couldn’t have made things any better, easier or healthier.

What happened taught me though. It taught me a few things then that have absolutely stayed with me.

I learned how sacred and special certain connections are, and how in an instant they can be taken from you. I learned how no one has the right to step in between that which they have no possible way of understanding of the workings to begin with.

That night, seventeen years ago, after being pressured into going to the hospital, I broke down. I couldn’t believe what I saw, and realized that I couldn’t begin to imagine what this family had been, and was now forced into, dealing with. I knew that I had no business being “close” to this family.

I wasn’t running from pain; I was running away from being the cause of pain. From that moment, I couldn’t stand the thought of being involved any longer. My heart was aching, throbbing with pain that I couldn’t fully understand, but that I knew was bigger than anything I had dealt with before.

I struggled with how to end the misery. After all that had recently happened, who was I to now add my departure to the mix? (There’s that old selfish talk again!) Despite all of the hurt and pain that already existed, it was easier to prolong the disengagement until things had calmed down a little bit. And so, I pretended that everything was the same and that I could handle it all; indifference being one of my strong suits. If I didn’t care, nothing could hurt or affect me.

So, I walked the fine line between being involved and doing my own thing, quietly, carefully and “thoughtfully”.

The old wasn’t ready to be tossed to the side, and soon became that annoying entity that wouldn’t leave, or allow me to quietly go. That friendly old situation that pulls strings, manipulates, threatens and frightens, all with the belief that they will be able to make you change your mind and find your will to actually be their own.

But, for once, it clicked, and I realized I was strong when I needed to.

The attempts at reining me back into the web were never going to succeed, and I wasn’t going to be a player or even a bystander any longer. I broke the tie as quickly as possible and never looked back.

That perfect, sweet, angelic face was more than I ever needed to realize the truth; I learned my lesson.

Thank you angel. And Happy Birthday.

This Day Was Meant For You

2013-01-27T05:00:00.000-08:00

Every year at this time, she is filled with a consuming sadness. It leaves her exhausted and confused, despite knowing deep down inside where it stems from.

She was adopted as a baby.

This is a pain I can only imagine. Despite having felt myself at the depths of sorrow and sadness, it was something that feels pale and simple in comparison to her own struggle of emotions and overwhelming sense of aloneness.

Her senses of belonging and importance, her role, those things that make her special, are lost upon her at times; times such as now, her birthday.

She is my mom.

Her birthday is the day that reminds me of exactly what kind of a gift she was then, and continues to be now.

I am grateful that, no matter what the circumstances, she was born. Her beginnings in this world less than what most would dream of for their baby girl, I am grateful that she found her way into a loving family. I am thankful, and grow constantly more appreciative, for the journey that she has walked in her life. It led her to be the one chosen to be my mother, and it brought her and I to the place where we now are.

We are friends; bonded and connected by so many things, our turbulent past is almost laughable.

Happy Birthday Mom! It is your day. It is now, and it always has been. Look back over your journey with excitement and joy as you remember all the steps that you took to bring you here, now. All of these things that make you special, and uniquely you; these things that you are loved and appreciated for that make you amazing!

Today and every day, always remember how special you are to all of us. No one does it like you, and that’s the way it is meant to be!

I love you.

A Long Overdue Thank You

2013-01-16T05:00:00.000-08:00

For the past couple of years I have been allowing myself to feel angry with someone who had previously meant the world to me.

I was angry because I felt that she had changed, and as my feelings grew a little stronger, I also suddenly had open ears for whatever anyone else had to negatively say about her. I allowed myself to become stuck in a place of anger, distaste and regret, when it came to her.

Something I heard the other day stuck out, like a message kind of hitting me over the head, and it told me it was time to really look at this situation, and clearly.

Whatever happened in her life, before or after our special time, is of no matter. Most importantly, it is of no matter to what our relationship meant to me.

What IS important was the role that she played in my life back then, what she was able to give me and show me about myself. The closeness that we shared gave me so much; taught me, allowed me to be me, and gave me warmth and comfort when I most needed it. She was the one I ran to, escaped to, when my world felt like it was crashing down around me. She was, what I felt at the time, the sole provider of unconditional love and support in my life.

It comes down to that whole thing about judging other people, and who am I to do that to her after all she offered to me?

As I have pondered this over the past few days, it has made me feel a little ashamed, and sad. While I may not have been the one to “change” our relationship, neither was she really. She grew and I grew, we just happened to grow apart; sad as that is.

I miss the closeness that we shared, the ability to openly and freely express exactly how I was feeling, the fun that we had together.

But, perhaps, the teacher’s job was done. The time that was needed between us passed, she was needed elsewhere, and I had to move forward in my own life of learning and teaching others.

Instead of grieving what had felt like and seemed to have been lost, instead of feeling angry and betrayed, I should have simply celebrated the role that she played in my young life. I should have been remembering to keep gratitude in my heart for all that she gave to me.

And so, for now, while I likely won’t be able to bring myself to actually say all of this to her directly, I still want to acknowledge it, say it aloud, put it out there, back into the universe and all of our energies…

Thank you. Thank you for being that special person in my life, the lifeline that, truly, kept me alive. Thank you for being understanding, non-judgemental, and, loving. Thank you for being there when nobody else seemed to think I was worth it. Thank you for believing in me, when no one else seemed able to. Thank you for letting me be who I needed to be then, for it has made me who I am today. Thank you. And, I love you.

Thinking out the Kitchen Window

2013-01-15T07:25:00.000-08:00

This morning I caught myself, as I often do, staring out the kitchen window as I puttered my way around; washing dishes, putting things away and tidying the counters. My mind began to drift as I realized that what I was seeing is not my own, in many ways, nor is it what I wish to see.

I long to be in a little house, one of my own, and it should be on a quiet street backing onto a field, a forest, a haven of nature and all its beauty. Perhaps, even more, I’d like that little house to be IN the field, forest, or even the mountains, a magical place full of beauty, lessons, real life and true survival.

Instead, I am in an older home, rented, on the side of a major road. A place where I can watch as life, people, cars, all pass by at an alarming speed, the noise rising above and infecting my thoughts, and the mere thought of allowing my child to play and roam freely through our large back yard while I stand at that sink doing dishes causes my heart to skip a beat and my heart to tie in knots.

I wish for the simpler times, simpler in ways that seem to justify the hard, back breaking, painful side that also fully encompassed that life. Worries and concerns that were, perhaps, life threatening, changing, but real. Work, a lot of it, that fostered true appreciation for what was had, held, cherished, consumed.

I think about how different, how special, beautiful and healthy this world could be if only things were just a little simpler, not to be confused with easier.

Later, as I walked down the street, a quick trip to the corner store, my mind was still challenging the world, weaving words together, thoughts I wanted to get out, when I slowly began to take in the sounds of cars that were passing by; the whiiiirs of motors, the constant whispers, shelu, shelu, shelu, as tires tread through the muck of melting snow, the sudden blast of muffled music as a car speeds past.

I felt a little as though I was being smothered by a thick blanket of pollution, aside from the obvious reasons, it was as though all that surrounded me was infecting me with something that I didn’t want, rapidly taking over everything. A poison that was preventing me from feeling, seeing, smelling, tasting and hearing the beauty, stillness; that place from which we all come was being drowned.

I was thinking how I just wanted out of this city, this place, these “problems and issues”, I wanted to escape to a quieter place all my own. I thought about what I really do want and need in my life, for my life.

And then, I was standing in the middle of an intersection, having been narrowly missed by a car that had mindlessly sped through the red light, as it came to a stop only two feet beside me.

The thoughts swirling around my mind cemented as truth.

The way that we are living should be different…

…it should be nothing like this!

Be Careful What You Wish For – It Will Be Yours to Have

2013-01-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

I remember as a teenager “realizing” that I had the ability to “make things happen”. I also quickly understood that with that power came the need to remember an old saying “Be careful what you wish for.”, and I added “Because it WILL come true.”

We know that our thoughts and words hold the power in our lives, and that what we send out there always comes back to us. Perhaps just not always exactly WHEN we ask for it.

Years down the road, there are times that we may find ourselves confused about how or why we got to the place we currently are; the simple answer is because we asked for it to be that way.

I have caught myself a few times suddenly realizing, caught in an AHA moment, where it comes flooding back to me; that wish or desire that I expressed so long ago has FINALLY come to be.

Not always when, and certainly not exactly how we imagined it, but the essence of it still there.

*note to self-ALWAYS be very clear and detailed when asking the universe for something!*

I’ve always remembered that moment when I really understood that I did have this power in my life, but I have forgotten that it is mine to use.

I have the power to create the life, every beautiful little piece, that I truly want.

Riding the Glass Elevator

2013-01-13T00:00:00.000-08:00

As though at the mall, in one of those glass elevators that looks out…

Crystal clear, the walls that surround me allow pure light to fall upon me and I am able to see far beyond my reach. Clarity and vibrancy like no other beckons me from above, and below the darkness threatens to swallow me into its depths.

Smart enough now not to step off on the bottom floor, but something still strong enough catches me willing to at least stop by, allow the doors to open and show me what lies beyond.

I’ve been down there before… Not only am I able to see what could or would be, I KNOW with every fiber of my being what exists in that world; that place I tried to leave so long ago. Those are the whispers that follow me to bed each night, still vying for my attention as my eyes slip open in the morning… Reminders of a time and place I escaped years ago, and yet little flickers from their eyes catch me by surprise almost daily.

Dreaming of what is up there, able to see the beauty that sits waiting for me, I am able to make it to that top floor, but the doors don’t open wide enough for me to slip more than a finger past…

The things that I long for, envisioned and have dreamt about are just beyond my grasp, at times so close but I allow them to slip through my fingers…

For now, I find myself trapped within the four walls of this place that allows me clear enough insight to all the world has to offer me, but the inability to step off at any floor…

Gifts Can Be Found in One of "Those Days"

2013-01-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

Those days…

When you know that you have over-reacted, but can’t bring yourself to apologize.

When you remain stuck in anger instead of letting go.

When you realize you’ve given over the power that is your own.

When you want only to mourn that which feels lost, as it sits before you.

When you miss out on joy, seemingly in preference to misery.

When that smile seems the most difficult to produce.

When you want to run and hide, but are forced into “action”.

When the to-do list seems insurmountable.

When every action and word seems to suck all the energy from you in an instant.

When you really want to be comforted, but can’t help yourself from being a bitch.

When all the words you long to say nearly escape, but don’t.

When you wish that you had a rewind button for your life.

When you wish that you had a fast forward button for your life.

When you wish that you had a delete button for your life.

Those days are the ones that have the most to teach us, and yet, it is the hardest to learn anything on those days.

Those days are the ones that we shouldn’t dismiss or try to forget, they are the ones that need to be looked at and carefully considered, as they are the days that will often repeat themselves until we are finally willing to open our eyes and do the right thing.

Nostalgic for Days Gone Past

2013-01-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

These days, there is so much talk about the problems in the world; our food, transportation, waste, education systems, the need to recycle, reuse, reduce, etc., and, of course, like many people, it has got me thinking. I’ve been reading and thinking, reading and thinking, and trying in some small ways to make changes in how we do things.

It seems to cause much debate and discussion as we look for alternatives in the ways that we have become used to living, the ways that we’ve been taught, and told, to live our lives. It seems strange to people to consider living simply, as some of our parents and grandparents did, and some people around the world still DO live today. Their still seems to be a stigma around it all, adding to the discomfort felt in those who do ponder changing their lives, entirely.

I struggle, not so much on the fence, but not fully on either side anymore, or yet. While one can appreciate the advances and technology that we are now able to “enjoy”, the lack of appreciation and respect for these changes makes me question where the “good” in it all lies. We are a society who takes it all for granted, selfishly expecting it ALL, and NOW.

I think that what may have begun with the best of intentions, spiralled too quickly out of control and into the hands of greedy people who in turn created a greedy society.

As I find myself being pulled, in what some may call a step back, into a more natural and simple way of living, I wonder whether there is something, like a memory in our bloodlines, our DNA. Could these things, that seem so familiar and normal to me, almost like a second nature, really be a memory from my ancestors, or from another life of my own? Is it like an animal instinct buried deep inside that calls out to me?

Make no mistake. The genes we’re born with carry memory. They carry knowledge we’ve never learned, talents we’ve never studied, even fears of things that have never frightened us…. But someone, some time, in our blood lines, had these memories. Yes, you might say that all of us are haunted to some degree. You might very well say that. – John R. Maxim

Is it possible that this innate compulsion to change the way that we live, this nostalgic feeling that arises within as I look back to the simpler times, comes from somewhere in the past, my past? Was it inevitable that I would find myself in this place, making these changes and longing to do more?

When I was a little girl I loved reading stories about “the old days”, the days of the pioneers, Little House on the Prairie, and of course, my favorite place to visit was Barkerville. I was drawn to those simpler times and often dreamt of travelling back in time so I could experience all that I read about.

Of course, as I grew into a teenager, those things I loved got lost within me while I struggled my way into a life of my own. I forgot about some of the simple things that brought me joy and pleasure.

Since having my daughter though, I have found myself wandering back onto the path that I, obviously, was meant to be on. I find myself rediscovering love and passion for certain things, and times.

These things that made sense, things that perhaps I took advantage of, when I was younger, now make more than just “sense” now. They seem to be a necessity that I am driven to re-create in many ways. This is not to say that I consistently make the “right” choices in my life, or even the choices that I wish I could. Right now, I do what I can when I can. I believe that every small step and/or change made contributes to a change in the larger picture. It all starts somewhere, from the discussions to the little things; a shift begins.

Kicking Ass on the Scaredy Cat Pile

2013-01-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

I found myself, many times, in 2012 simply unable to write. I tried, but as with everything else in my life, I just couldn’t keep focused long enough to continue.

So many thoughts and feelings coursing through my body, and I am, at times, simply incapable of keeping up. I suppose that I feel overwhelmed with all that sits upon and before me, and it has me feeling a little paralyzed in every way.

In order to overcome fear of any kind, isn’t it said that we must therefore plunge in headfirst? Dive in and face that which causes us to feel afraid. But, where do you begin when there is one helluva pile of scaredy cat sitting before you?! Which side of the pile do you dive in and swallow first?

I think I’ve got that part figured out though. Me. I start with me.

All of those little things I’ve been meaning to get to, to do, to start, to add to the routine, I start with those. Those things that make me better; healthier, happier… That’s where I start. One little step at a time, one day at a time and I turn them into parts of who I am, what I do, what I think and feel.

I don’t know that I can “start fresh”, but I can start each day doing and thinking the right things. One morning, one step at a time, I can BUILD it, and write it, all the way that I want to.

So 2013, let’s kick some ass all over the place!

Baby Girl Turns Four

2013-01-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

Today, my baby girl, my lil’ ladybug girl, Ms. Magoo, turns 4!

I cannot believe how fast the time has gone by. I can’t believe that she isn’t a baby anymore! Sob…

While I wipe my tears away, I can’t help but smile.

I smile at the amazing little girl that I see before me. This little girl who has such a strong mind, definite likes and dislikes, preferences, plenty enough that we can only laugh as we shake our heads, interests that surprise and delight me, and a heart so tender and loving.

Every day I realize that I am the one learning. My little girl is, and has been since the day she arrived in my arms, teaching ME. She is the teacher that opens my eyes and so often she is the spark that re-ignites the fires of my own interests, beliefs, dreams… Simply by being herself, she inspires me in so many ways.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl! Live, love, learn and grow, be all that you can be… I love you baby!!

Lucky 13

2013-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

2013.

I’ve never been pulled into the whole New Year’s hype. Sure when I was a teenager I went through the couple of years where I swore to do this and that; big plans with those resolutions… that never stuck! Don’t recall many big celebrations, aside from the crazy one when I was seventeen, ahem… other than that, it has usually been a quiet night, save for those years when I worked in the bars/pubs. Most recent years, we’re in bed or watching a movie, and by midnight, I’m either asleep, or the only one barely awake!

Last year, I did try to make attempt at the whole one word “resolution” thing; “Motion” was my theme. Well, on a physical level, that was a big ol’ FAIL, but on the intellectual level, deep inside, I guess that has been a huge success. A little too bad that I wasn’t able to make the two work together!

This morning, as I drank my coffee and strolled, or scrolled, my way through Facebook, my outlook for this coming year changed.

I realized that it was going to be 2013 tomorrow. 13. One of my lucky numbers AND the first, and only, time I will live through a 13^th year! Kinda cool I thought to myself, and decided in that moment that this “New Year” could be a GREAT one!

No resolutions, or plans that will likely fail. Intentions? Sure, quite a few actually; hope they don’t find their way into becoming “resolutions”!

Goodbye 2012. I am grateful for all you had to offer, all that you shared in an effort to help me grow and learn.

Hello 2013. Get ready ‘cause here I come!

Finally Accepting the Truth

2012-10-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

A realization that I was allowing shame to control me has also grown to include the fact that I am not as honest as I like to believe, not with myself, let alone anyone else. While I tried to ignore comments pointing out strength in character and voice that had all but disappeared, I’ve now accepted that they were right about that all along as well. I became that familiar old “wall flower” again because I was tired of lying to hide the shame that I felt.

These are hard things to acknowledge about oneself, looking in the mirror, finally listening to that voice and knowing that you fucked up.

Though I have spent the past few years fighting with all of my might to stay on top of this all, to bury it, to run from it and pretend it wasn’t so, or that it would magically change, I am now forced to look at it for what it is and to see what damage I have allowed to begin growing roots in all the wrong places. Most importantly, above anything else, I now cannot deny that I am breaking and it is affecting Makiya.

The things that I need to do, say and become have brought me to a familiar point, one that screams out at me to get busy. Once, many years ago, I reached the same point, and was forced to ask myself the question, “Never mind five or ten years, never mind next year or next month, I do not want to wake up TOMORROW feeling/living like this again.”, of course, the answer being no, the very next morning I found my voice and made a permanent change. While the place that I find myself now is much different than that moment, that question is getting louder in my ear again.

It’s funny, I know that I am not stupid or weak, I know that I am strong, courageous and smart, and that when I allow it in myself, I can also be very determined and accomplish whatever I desire. Yet, here I sit, in a position that I allowed myself to slide into, struggling to find a way to make it all right again.

As always, I do know that I WILL find my way through this, just as I am meant to, when I am meant to, but I think that for a time, the “flow” may need a little more self direction.

Next, A Trip Through Shame

2012-10-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

Shame - noun

1. 1. the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.

I have recently had some deep, thought provoking, revealing conversations with a few wonderful women, ones that I am thankful to have in my life.

I interacted with these women in, what seems to me, the sequence required, the time for me to awaken and open up enough to receive the wisdom they were going to share. The first came at the EXACT moment of “impact”, the time when everything came to a breaking point for me, slamming into the second interaction, when I was simmering, stewing away in my realizations. The third was as the calm began to take over, I had reached a point where light was beginning to shine through again and my breathing was finally slowing to a manageable pace. It was then that it hit me, and hard.

What began from feelings brought up when I took Makiya to her first Music Class, progressed into a struggle to write out my emotions, which then also became something much more. A perceived difference between people, women, mothers, and a worry about being judged for past mistakes, became the catalyst for a much bigger discovery within myself; like it or not.

I had been thinking back over my life, looking at, digging through and trying to understand the giant leaps I have taken back and forth; between being a social butterfly and something more resembling the caterpillar, tucked away safe and warm while awaiting its transformation. I was trying to decipher whether I was in one of those states as a response TO my surroundings and circumstances, or was I dictating the surroundings and circumstances by CHOOSING to be in that state. What I began to realize was, at least in that moment, that I was being the caterpillar in response to circumstances and situations I had lived, in the PAST. I began to accept and admit to this to myself as I acknowledged it to be a truth about who I have become.

I brought up this realization in conversation with one of these women, who was quick to point out how damaging “shame” could be. I hadn’t thought, yet, to put “shame” into the equation, I hadn’t put my finger on it as the force that it really was, and yet as strongly as I began to feel this addition to my truth, I still hadn’t really gotten the complete picture.

A few weeks later, I was chatting with a friend, who has been discovering some hard self-truths of her own for some time. We spoke of ignoring signs and/or clues that sit boldly before us, the ones that are finally “noticed” later on, of being tired of pretending and not being heard, and as we shared our thoughts, insights and feelings on it all, I began to see more cracks in this truth I was coming to terms with.

A week later, I spoke to the other woman (that wonderful friend who has the ability to see clearly, and between the lines, when I can’t, and vice versa, at times, thank god!). I admitted what I was beginning to see as the whole truth, and with a deep breath, she responded “That is huge.” As I heard her utter those words, the entirety and enormity of it truly and fully slapped me in the face, with a WHOOSH; it WAS huge, especially in saying it aloud to someone else. I was really putting it out there.

What I realized opened my eyes to so many things, and is still continuing to do so, which I suppose, was my biggest fear. This was NEVER what I wanted it, and yet, I went ahead and created it anyways.

I realized that for all of the pride I carry in not regretting, hiding or “feeling shame” in things that I have already shared about my past, I hold on tightly to the truth about the present and the little left over bits of recent past. Those are kept close, without the warmth of sunlight or the ability to take in fresh air, they are hidden away, left to bend and twist, morphing into an ugly form of “shame”.

There are these “things” that I let slide out of control in my life, and the feelings of guilt in not tending to them have transformed into something darker and uglier. Instead of staying truly strong and continuing to speak clearly and loudly, I became comfortable in a place of denial, falsely labelling it as hopeful.

These things have caused me to feel shame, and I am finally able to admit it to myself.

The First Part of Learning the "Truth"

2012-10-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

It had been a long time since I had felt feelings similar to those I felt as I entered the waiting room during Makiya’s first Music Class. In that moment I walked in, the last of the moms to enter the room, I was instantly transported back into my youth. I felt their eyes on me and a rush of memory and discomfort washed over me.

I felt like the outsider of an exclusive club.

Although intellectually I know that I am no longer “young”, my mind and soul feel much to the contrary. Sitting among those women, mothers, I felt like a little girl and one coming from a far different world than they. I imagined them looking me up and down, taking in my hair, outfit, shoes and purse, and my mind filled in many blanks as to where their thoughts went from there. I felt judged and looked down upon; I felt less than I thought they appeared to be.

I, of course, realized how silly I was being, but the rationale wasn’t enough to wash away my insecurities. In that half hour, as I sat waiting for Makiya’s class to end, many forgotten feelings came back to me, and I thought that I had an epiphany. I thought I had put a name to the missing piece of the puzzle about myself. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this was just the beginning of a serious revelation about my life and where I am right now.

My mind strolled backwards, remembering the different times in my life, the many faces I have worn and the circumstances that surrounded me during those times. I have bounced between being the “wall flower” and the “social butterfly”, swinging back and forth. I have spent seasons preferring the company of myself to the energy sapping game of socialization, and then, there were times that the mere thought of spending another moment alone would bring on an anxiety attack. I wondered what the difference really was; how is it that I have been able to pull off BOTH persona’s and, yet, not truly feel at home in either?

It was obviously necessary, whichever mask I chose, to be who I needed to be in that time, but why? Was my personality a response to circumstance or were the situations dictated by the current role I was playing?

I suppose it was both.

Then, I got to wondering what had brought me back into being the “wall flower” I currently am… and I thought I finally got it.

I decided that past actions, undesirable ones, were keeping me clammed up. I told myself that because I wasn’t proud of what I had done, years ago, I was afraid to chat, make small talk, introduce myself to others, because I didn’t want them to know about my mistake or to judge me for it.

THAT I claimed as my truth.

A week later, after struggling to write through what I had felt that day, I began a conversation with a very insightful woman about it all. Even as I began to let the words spill out, I knew how ridiculous of an excuse it was; pretending that I was afraid of being judged for a past mistake! That’s all it was, another feeble attempt to ignore the truth. So, when she, unwittingly, called me out on it, putting a name to what it really was, I wasn’t fully surprised. But the name, the truth of what I was feeling, wasn’t what I expected either.

Suddenly, it was glaringly visible, and I was instantly frozen by fear when I recognized what I was really dealing with.

It now made sense WHY I was having such a hard time writing the piece on discovering a new truth; it wasn’t true either.

Did You Know I Was Thinking About You?

2012-09-13T20:25:00.000-07:00

My mind strolls around the strangest things sometimes.

Over the years, I have, at certain times, typically times where I was on the brink of turning the page onto a new chapter in my life, pondered over the power of our thoughts. The things that our minds consistently focus on certainly do become our reality, but to what exact extent does that span?

I have experienced, several times, the pattern of first thinking about something or someone, and then having that thought stream into my dreams, or even become something more tangible, be it a line in a book that I am reading, a particular song that suddenly comes on the radio, and, sometimes even suddenly, literally, finding that thing or person that had been running around my thoughts.

More recently I have had some deeper thoughts on the subject. Curiosity has arisen in me as to how deeply our thoughts bring about an effect on the person that has been on our minds. If we are to think about them, and seemingly bring them directly to us through these thoughts, how do THEIR thoughts change, or do they? Do they also suddenly find a reminder about us as, or is it something out of the ordinary and unexpected for them?

If we were to have a dream, a vivid dream, or an out of body experience, that featured a particular person, in a particular place, would the other people we meet have the same encounter on some level, plane, or some type of energized moment in time?

Is it something completely self-created and a completely lone experience, or do our thoughts and dreams bring about some type of blip on another’s radar at some level?

In Makiya's Eyes

2012-03-27T05:59:00.001-07:00

Almost a year and a half ago, I first shared our steps into Makiya’s eye troubles.

Makiya is now just over three years old, and “very bright” in the words of her doctor today. She is very smart, high energy and full of humour.

She has become very comfortable with these eye appointments, obviously loving the little games, videos and puppets that are part of her examinations. In the days leading up to her appointments, she can barely contain her excitement and eagerness for the day to come. Her ease, of course, has made the journey of learning what is really going on a little easier each time we go.

Her eye has not improved, although we hesitate to say that it has actually declined. I have found comfort now that she is able to talk in that she is able to tell me now that her eye is more irritating than painful. Another positive that we see, in hopes of it signifying, well really, anything in the way of good news, is that Makiya can completely control her eye when it does wander out. She actually finds it to be a funny little game, “Look Mommy/Daddy!!” as she lets it wander outwards, and then with a little smile, brings it back in. In having this control however, it makes it very difficult for the doctors to really see what we see on a daily basis. Though we were previously given the two names, Intermittent Exotropia and Divergent Strabismus, we don’t know exactly where Makiyas condition sits within those terms.

Last month we had another of our bi/tri-monthly visits to the eye specialists. Dilating drops were given so that they could really take a look inside her eyes and see what was going on, and as always, Makiya was a trooper through it all, three exams from three different people and not a fuss from her. More difficult for me, was seeing her response to the eye drops; she could not see properly! One nurse had given her a fancy ring on our way out and as excited as Makiya was to have it, she couldn’t see what was on it! What I clearly saw as a star, she saw, hesitatingly, as a flower. After the appointment, I took her for lunch before heading home, and it was hard to witness her struggle with how much sunshine was pouring into her eyes; she was seriously bothered. Then, when we got home, she became excited at all the “pretty colors” she was seeing as we entered the door; her eyes adjusting from the bright lights I can only assume.

Another distressing part of that visit was that she seemed to be having a new found difficulty with some of the pictures that she had previously excelled at. My heart sinking as I watched her sit in the chair struggling to figure out what she was supposed to be looking at. Where we had previously been reassured that her vision was perfect, I was then told that it seemed that she in fact had some trouble in the eye that WASN’T wandering. We hopefully considered that it was due to the drops and scheduled an appointment for this month to re-examine.

Today was a scene similar to the one that played out nearly a year and a half ago; Daddy, little red haired girl, and Mommy holding hands as they enter the tall brick building en route to the Orthoptist. Parents nervous, child excited.

She raced to press the button for the elevator, exuberantly shared her joy in riding the elevator, walked purposefully to the books once in the office, and then, leapt out of her chair excitedly as the doctor came out to greet us. “Hi!” said Makiya as she practically ran into the examination room and hopped up in the chair.

Today, the inability to see and name the smaller objects on the screen was even more pronounced then last month, in that it seemed to bother Makiya that she couldn’t figure them out. It was not caused by the drops, but is in fact a flaw in her vision that was announced to be slightly worse than first thought; although still not enough to warrant treatment.

Her wandering eye was hard to “break” again today, meaning that the doctor is not able to see it to the full extent that we do on a daily basis. Frustrating for the doctor who is being told something is there, but she can’t fully see and frustrating for the parents who see it continuously and only want their child to be okay.

Surgery talk came back to the table today, as she is not improving and concerns arise the older the child becomes. If necessary, it is preferred to provide this surgery before the child is of school age so as to eliminate/lessen any problems that would likely arise as they head further out into the world. Not a simple cut and dry decision in the eyes of the parent, on so many different levels.

We have decided to make another appointment for a few months down the road, at which point we will take another look, and, decide whether we in fact want to proceed with the journey towards surgery or continue the watching, waiting and hoping.

Caught Up Catch Up

2012-03-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

I have been caught up lately in a multitude of things that I won’t even begin to get into now, but, to catch you up to speed, I will share some of what has been occupying my mind these days!

My mind has been taken over by ideas, books, Pinterest, websites, and it’s been time to start putting some of the new found and broadened knowledge that I have been compiling.

Gardening, self-sufficiency, healthy eating for our family, composting, worm farms, heirloom seeds, oh the list could go on!, have all been on my mind for a while now, and it’s coming to that time of year where I am getting anxious and eager to make another attempt at growing some fruits and vegetables of our own. Since last year, I have been reading TONS of stuff, chatting with mom, Linda Hoye, and growing tons of ideas inside my head. This year, we’ve changed what we’re growing a little, added some extras, and are trying to start a few from seed indoors. Due to a change in our living circumstances, this year, I will also be trying to grow our “bounty” in containers; a HUGE learning curve!

I shared that we were making an attempt to grow our celery, the cutting from store bought, and at first it seemed to be doing wonderfully, until one morning I came in and found it completely wilted over, and surrounded by little flies; my mom had the same experience, but I was undeterred! We started a new one a few weeks ago, and again it has taken off! Surprisingly to me, and more similar to my moms experience, this one didn’t sprout roots immediately, but it finally did and we just transplanted it into a pot yesterday. I am excited and hopeful that we’ll have better luck this time. Makiya as well, she gave it the familiar little pep talk, encouraging it to grow healthy and strong.

Mom (be sure to check out this link, different from the one above, this is her Gardening Glog!) was down for a visit a few weeks ago, and brought with her, the second annual Sunflower and Pumpkin Seed Kits for her and Makiya. A little eager perhaps (?!) we have already started them, and they are growing along beautifully!

I am also counting the days until we can set up the new greenhouse mom brought for me!! Spoiled gardening newbie = GRATEFUL!!

I was thrilled to be able to attend a community Seed event last weekend, where we picked up some Heirloom seeds, and of course, tons of information on topics including permaculture, worm farms, CSA Farms in our community and an assortment of other idea inspiring literature.

I got to work later in the week, and prepared some seed cups from toilet paper rolls; I have heard mixed reviews on these, but am optimistic that they will work out just fine. We started some Mini Bell Assorted Peppers in those, and in larger pots began, what I am quickly realizing, TOO MANY Broccoli seeds! I began to panic when they sprouted after only two days and how many healthy extras I have, but decided that I can always give them away to family and friends once they get bigger and stronger; in fact, I think they will make a wonderful little gift! I was worried about the pots/containers I would need in the meantime, but have come up with a plan to make our own paper pots, I will let you know how THAT turns out!

I desperately want to get a compost started, and would love to get a worm farm going; things to come soon! I HAVE started saving my coffee grounds and eggshells though, and for the time being have begun using them on my house plants.

Again, inspired by Pinterest, I have begun to create a few little things, with, of course, a mind full of projects and pictures to come!

Our birdfeeder...

My jars and vase freshened up...the pics don' treally do it justice...

And a little from my little artist girl…

More to come soon!

I Found the Moss!

2012-01-22T19:19:00.000-08:00

It was a beautiful and sunny day here, and FINALLY warm enough to get out and have some fun!

Of course, with moss on the brain, between snow angels, snow shovelling, sliding and checking out all that was covered in snow, I went searching for materials for the terrarium I have been excited to make.

I wandered through the garden area, and was surprised to find two clumps of moss covered dirt! Well of course that ignited the drive to find more. And there it was, still growing on the tree! A little brushing away of the snow, a little screwdriver that was just close enough to grab and I was able to peel away some nice batches of moss. A few rocks, pinecones and a little stump (I think it looks like the foot of an elephant!) that had been cut away from our Christmas Tree, and inside we went to create our little terrarium.

I quietly held onto the cover from Makiya’s birthday cake (thank you Grandma for the DQ Ice Cream Cake!), dreaming of ideas, things we had around the house, what we could use to turn it into a beautiful little terrarium. Along with our outside treasures, we added some cat grass seeds that I hope will get sprouted in the next couple of days. (I have some plants almost ready to take cuttings from, and as soon as they are ready, we will add them too.)

And here it now is!

We both had a blast putting it together, and are excited to watch it grow!

Random Catching Up...

2012-01-21T18:54:00.000-08:00

I have gotten off to a bit of a slow start in the way of keeping up with my theme of Motion for the year. Although I did get a major start on organizing our disaster of a basement, it was only to find baby girl and I SICK the very next day, and two weeks later we sit with not much else accomplished.

During this down time, I have being quietly pinning, pining and planning away over on Pintrest, and boy have I come up with some wonderful ideas to do around the home, crafts with Miss Magoo, gardening ideas, recipes and oh I could go on! My husband actually pinned me down on it last night; “So, how many pins do you have now, thousands?! What are you going to do with it all?!” Well, honey, that’s just it, I hope to DO all of it, eventually! My mind has been working around several of the ideas, and I am getting excited to get to work!

Adding to our downtime was the frigid temperatures we have endured for over a week now, and thankfully, we are finally coming around to warmer days! I am eagerly awaiting getting outside to play, explore and get moving after being stuffed up inside for some time now. I have an idea for a little terrarium for Makiya, and, perhaps crazily, am hoping to find at least some of our different mosses surviving beneath the snow, somehow!

On the topic of gardening, mom (and check out her new GLOG!!) and I started celery indoors, another idea found over on Pintrest, and are surprised to see how quickly each of ours is growing. Excited about growing veggies, or at least starting them indoors, Makiya and I just set a potato up to start growing as well. I love watching her excitement and curiousity every day as we check in on our new friends, she gets real close, kind of brushing her cheek on the celery (well, really ALL plants and flowers) and whispers to it, “You’re beautiful, good growing!” She randomly comes out with suggestions for this year’s garden, which I also love.

I’ve been collecting pretty much everything that I would often toss away or into recycling this past year, mostly with the intent of using them for crafts, but that has grown into gardening ideas and home décor crafts that I am also looking forward to creating; I love the idea of repurposing items into something fresh and new, and even more, the idea of NOT having to spend money on these “new” items!

So, looking at just a few of our pictures from the past few weeks, I guess I am making a wee bit of headway with the whole "motion" thing... Can't wait to keep moving and creating!