ThoughtFlows

When feminism becomes the bane of women

2017-08-04T20:13:00.000-04:00

I call myself a feminist. I believe that people should have the right to make their own choices irrespective of their gender. I believe that men and women are equal in every way...Well, almost every way, I sometimes wonder if women are as intelligent as men after all.

Men have to have more intelligence or cleverness or cunning (or whatever one might call it) to have dominated over women in every possible way through centuries. Calling women the weaker sex, attributing physical and mental weakness, and systemically downgrading the position that women hold in society; this has to have some amount of additional intelligence associated with it. Some form of intelligence that women don't possess, right?

Now the buzzword is feminism. A tool that is meant for fighting back against this systemic oppression, based on gender. A tool meant to lead us into a world where the role a person plays is not determined by their gender. A world where women dont necessarily have to stay at home and take care of the family and men dont necessarily have to be the bread-winners. But I suspect we are instead marching forward into a world where the women are still the oppressed gender, oppressed in ways very different from what they used to be but oppressed nonetheless.

In my parents' generation, there were pre-defined roles for the members in most families. My father would bring in the money, handle most out-of-home jobs. Going to the bank, mailing letters, paying the bills, getting work done at government offices and dealing with the bureaucracy, those were all his responsibilities. My father felt that inherent responsibility to protect his wife and children and shield them as much as possible from the outside world, and he fulfills this responsibility to this day. That didn't mean my mother was a home-hen. Although she didnt work outside the home, she went out on her own to shop, drop off and pick us up from school, take us for all our extra-curricular activities. But, to the best of my knowledge, there wasn't one day where she found herself alone arguing with a government bureaucrat to get some paper work done or talking to a banker about a fixed deposit. I think she knows at heart that she always has a protective shield above her. If there is any trouble at any time, all she needs to do is call my father and he would be there for her. They are there for each other.

Now, all is lost in the name of feminism. Men dont feel that they need to take care of their wives because their wives are independent women who can take care of themselves. Women feel the pressure to be independent so much that they cant afford to depend on their husbands even in times of trouble. Under this pressure, I believe all we women are ending up doing is draining ourselves completely both physically and mentally in order to become super women, and allowing the men to become less responsible towards their families.

Because I belong to the generation of feminists, I have to follow the norms of the generation and be a super-woman. I do the shopping, take care of the bills (sure there is not much to it except setting up reminders and paying them online but there are those occasional irritating calls with customer representatives), deal with the banks, basically do anything that my husband feels he doesnt have the time to do because of his high pressure job, all while taking care of my own high pressure job. In addition, I also have the responsibilities at the home front: cooking, cleaning up and making sure everything runs smoothly at home. Sure nobody asks me to cook, I can always order food from outside but because I pay the bills, I also make the budget and know it doesnt make economical sense to do that everyday. My husband is essentially a guest in the house who will help out if I ask him to or if he feels like it. His reasoning when I complain: "we are equal partners", leaving me in exasperation, wondering what equal means.

I am pretty sure I'm not alone in this. I think posts like these (You should have asked, Out-of-box-thinking) shared and liked time and again on FB by my lady friends are proof we are all in the same boat. In addition to being overworked, we no longer have that feeling that we are protected at all times. There is nobody else who will make it all go away. There is only me. If my car breaks down the first call I make is not to my husband but to the closest mechanic, because I know that all he will do is ask me to call a mechanic. The best he might do is a google search to find out who the closest mechanic is, but for him to do that I will have to explain to him exactly where I am and it would be far easier for me to do the search myself and give him a FYI call.

So....who was saying feminism is a boon for women? Are we really heading to a better world for women?

Why 2016 has been a troubling year

2016-11-11T00:34:00.002-05:00

Personally, 2016 has been a great year for me. I finished my PhD, got a great job, moved to a beautiful new place. I got my parents to visit me and spent the while summer traveling all over the United States. But I dont feel too great about this year. Why? Call me stupid but I need much more than just my personal growth and happiness to feel great.

I hope for world where there is freedom and equality for all living beings, where merit and ability are given more value than feelings of entitlement. A free world where there are no lines between nations. Where it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from, you will have the freedom and opportunity to achieve whatever you desire providing you are willing to work for it the right way. True, this is very idealistic. But I have hope that someday we will have this kind of world if we move inch by inch towards it.

So maybe this idealistic hope is the reason I feel personally hurt when I see people moving backwards, away from this dream world of mine. When I hear the story of a little girl abused thousands of miles away from me or when I read about an innocent animal killed.

Two political incidents in 2016 have particularly hurt me the most because they have essentially shaken my faith in basic human intelligence. One was Brexit and the other, the US election. Analysts have said that the main reason why UK voted to leave the EU was to protect their economy and limit immigration. Really? Citizens of UK are not getting their fair share of jobs because people from other countries are coming in to their country. So why cant the citizens of UK just buck up and become as competitive as the people coming in and "stealing" their jobs, instead of forcing the competent people to stay out. Do companies really want to go through the hassle of employee immigration when they can get an equally good person from within the country? From my limited experience of working in a US company, I would believe not. I wasn't living UK when Brexit poll happened so I probably shouldn't say more about it. But what hurt me was the opportunities of collaboration lost due to this decision. The attitude of people who voted to leave is really hurtful.

A deeper wound, only because of proximity and recency, was the election of Donald Trump to be the President of US. Needless to say, I was hoping to see Hillary Clinton being elected. A woman holding the position of the US president would have been a great accomplishment for womankind. US would have joined other powerful countries like Germany and UK which put women in the highest position of power. But that is not the only reason I was hoping to see her be the next President. She is a person with experience, ambition and actual ideas to make the country and the world a better place. Whereas Trump had no real ideas. Nothing but hateful propaganda against "the establishment". Against some religions, some races and women.

So analysts say people voted for him because they felt they were being ignored by the establishment.
I have heard people talk about how the current immigration policies have hurt their jobs Again the same thing about jobs. Come on people!!! Work harder and learn to live in a global economy. Voting for Trump, a person with no experience and no ideas, because you are being ignored is like a child throwing a tantrum. Just that in this case it is a giant tantrum thrown not by a child but by adults who can supposedly think and act intelligently. Building walls is not going to help you recover your jobs. Educating yourself and becoming as competent as anybody coming in from outside is going to help not just you but the entire world. Your future President should have promised you education, opportunities to thrive, and equal pay for equal work.

Some people say Hillary lost because of the whole e-mail scandal. If that's the reason you didn't vote for her, fine! Atleast you made a decision based on some concrete reason. But I've also heard people (even women) say "Anybody but HER" or "I just dont like her". Her, an ambitious woman with ideas. That is just sad and hurtful.

I've heard a lot of hurtful comments from Trump and his supporters through the campaign. People saying "I dont care what Trump does to women", calling all Muslims terrorists, and Mexicans criminals and drug dealers. It saddens me that in this day and age people's thinking can be so backward and narrow.

I talked to a Trump supporter before the election and asked him why he supported Trump. He told me that even if Trump did half the things he promised life would be better for him and his family. But what exactly did Trump promise? He had no answer. And guess what...this guy belongs to the demographic that got Trump his victory. He was thinking of himself and only himself. What would happen to his Black or Muslim neighbor? Maybe he didnt care and maybe thats the right attitude. Maybe I'm being elitist in thinking about the whole world. But I would prefer a world where everybody thought not just about themselves but also a little about the rest of the world and the future generations.

The Trump presidency will come and go. America and the world will somehow survive. I have no doubt about it. But hopefully, he will have the sense to unite the country and not make more divisive statements. Hopefully the country and world will become a better place under his presidency.

AI singularity

2016-06-25T14:18:00.000-04:00

I hear visionaries like Stephen Hawking and Elon Musk talk about the dangers of AI to human kind, and I brush it off as paranoia because I believe in human intelligence and wisdom. I believe that we the creators of AI will always be far more intelligent than AI at any given point in time because it is the collective intelligence of human kind and the inferences from this intelligence that goes into the AI. We are a wise and intelligent species and this intelligence will only grow using the AI.

But then I look at the news and I see things like a woman being hacked to death while a whole group of people watched on without interfering or helping after the fact; I hear about #Brexit, and maybe I will soon hear that a divisive-minded person like Donald Trump has become the POTUS.....I'm in no way equating all these news but all this makes me question the collective wisdom of humankind. 

Are we really intelligent as a whole species? Or is the intelligence and wisdom just concentrated in small pockets of the society and the majority of people stupid, insensible, narrow-minded and short-sighted?  Does the majority consist of people who don't realize that if you do not help another in distress, you will not receive help either; that being passive to evil will only encourage it further and some day you will bear its brunt too; that staying united is better than being divided? Has the majority lost its wisdom? If that is the case, then maybe AI singularity is a possibility and maybe AI would be a danger to the human species. But then wouldn't we deserve it too?

Leben im Deutschland

2013-08-04T15:51:00.001-04:00

I really do like living here. The beautiful small city of Tuebingen, down in the south of Germany. Not just because new is always better but because its a lovely mix of the old and the new, the familiar and the unknown. Having lived in three countries for a substantial period of time, and being the "normal" human being that I am, I tend to compare and contrast the three places. My conclusion: Germany is in the "middle" of US and India. Its hard to pen down what I really mean by middle. In a sense, it has a lot of comforts that the US affords but also has a few qualities that makes me feel at home, kinda best of both the worlds (Okay, agreed. I am leaning very very close to new is always better).

The first thing I really loved here is a quality that I think every city, small or big, should possess...something that I find missing in most places in the US. People, just people, Walking around on the footpaths (sidewalks), meeting each other randomly, smiling at each other, talking to each other. In the US, I found cars zipping past you at 30 mph at least, hardly any people. Yes, walking was initially difficult thanks to the slopes in Tuebingen but I got used to it to the point where I actually enjoy walking and even deliberately miss the bus home sometimes.

That said, there are many many more things that I liked here, and so here I go in no particular order.

People bike around a lot. And they bike as families. And the bikes are not just simple bikes that you find everyday. For the very first time in my life, I saw these:

The infants are carried along in the tiny little "cart" (for lack of a better word) so they can enjoy the bike ride too. So ingenious....so convenient. Simply Amazing!!! Ofcourse, sometimes the kids dont want to sit inside and they insist on the parents' carrying them in their arms but that's a different topic.

I have seen vending machines for drinks, food but for cigarettes, it was my first time. Probably because people here seem to love their cigarettes. There are huge "Lucky Strike" banners in bus stops. On a side note, I've been told that, in Germany, the banners are only put up in places where they cannot distract people. For instance, you wont find huge billboards on highways/freeways, so as not to distract the drivers. Not sure how true it is coz I haven't been much on the road. I would say this is kinda against the purpose of advertisement but well, if it works it works!

The one below has prepaid phone cards and cigarettes. Yes, I got back to the world of prepaid SIM cards and top-ups, with just a tad difference. Top-up can be done using such vending machines, on the phone, online using credit cards, in addition to the usual "go to the street shop, and ask the shop guy to top it up for you". Can that be done in India too now?

While on the subject of phones, I also saw public phone booths after a long long time. People seemed to use landlines more than mobiles. Another thing that made me feel at home.

The next one is actually the first thing I learnt when I arrived. Also the first thing I learnt when I arrived in the US for the very first time: "How to stop a bus". Seems a little strange? Here's why I had to learn it. In India, the bus stops at every designated bus stop on the route. So I was a little surprised when I arrived in the US and saw that the bus whizzed past some bus stops. I soon learnt that I had to pull the long yellow rope and signal to the driver that you want to get down. Here, I think they have a more sophisticated system, a small button that says "Stop". Easier to understand, huh? That's what I thought!

I always wonder if this system would work in India. Would the bus end up stopping in every stop? It happens sometimes in Tuebingen, so the stop indicator is not completely useful in saving time. But still, it might be useful to have such a system. Might just save time, and avoid some traffic hold-ups.

They have a nice little vending machine for tickets. A little hard to use for a non-resident (I still haven't figured it out completely...have been relying on the Monatskarte available at the station so far) but an interesting contraption nonetheless. People get rid of all their small coins here, and because they are not holding up anybody behind them waiting to get into the bus (like in the US), they can take all the time they want.

While on the subject of buses, I found some more subtle similarities and differences. Like in India, the checking of the tickets is randomly (same on trains). In three months, my ticket got checked just twice, both times in the same week. People are trusted to be good but the fines for crossing lines are pretty heavy. Like in India, people are allowed to stand in the buses. In fact, some people stand in the bus even when there are seats available because they want to feel "jung" :-) Both in US and India, the bus drivers wear uniforms, whereas they didn't seem to have uniforms here. You would not distinguish a bus driver in a crowd. For that matter, I wouldn't be able to distinguish any Stadtwerke employees. One day I saw many people, old men and young students, cleaning the roads together, and they didnt seem like employees of the city council. I should still figure out how this system works. People are responsible for cleaning the areas surrounding their houses (like in the US), hence cleaner.

Cars and motorbikes! They'e got lovely ones here, small and big, old and new. The best thing is that motorbikes are not some rare commodity (like in the US) nor are they driven dangerously (like in India) to get ahead of traffic.

Even saw a couple of solar cars and gypsy vans!

Another thing that is similar between India and Germany are the street names. They have sensible street names, not just Main St, First St, and so on. The streets are named after real people, and even better, in some places they have a few details about the person. House numbers make sense again too. The houses are numbered consecutively and are easy to locate.

This is probably one of the best things that made me fall in love with the place instantly. Such cute dogs and they are very well-treated, just like babies!!! They are cuddled and pampered. And why not? They are choooooooooooo cuuteeeeeeeeee!!!!! Wish I could have one :-(

I met Sher Khan in Hechingen. Belonged to Prof. Ardelt and Ursula Wolfgang, who were extremely helpful to me when I was trying to get to the Hohenzollern castle.

A little weird for Americans but goats are also pets.

People live very relaxed lives here. They truly believe in "work hard, play hard"! Weekends are usually spent in festivals ( esp. during summer), hikes and tours.

They are extremely creative too, esp. the children.

This was at the Stadfest. Children building castles

Some street art by the neighboring kids

All this said, there is one thing that I did not like about the place: their timings. They follow very unusual. Almost all the shops and establishments (I didnt find any big malls here), from bakeries to banks open around 7 in the morning close around 5 or 6. And everything, literally everything, is closed on Sundays. (Okay, thats a little exaggeration. There are some restaurants open, but they are not really good!)

Here are some random pics that I took while walking down the streets of Tuebingen.

This is the heating system for the city at the Stadwerke (represented the end of the every city for me when I went for walks)

Stadwerke entrance at the Franzoesisches Viertel

Lot of rose bushes around in Tuebingen

Keys at MPI ( seriously high tech!)

General structure of a traditional German house. Amazing architecture!

Innovation in swings

They just dont have salt and pepper on the restaurant tables, also a laaarge bottle of sugar. Shows how sweet they are!

Found this outside a student dorm. Assumed it was for drying clothes. Could be anything though!

I stepped out of the Stuttgart airport on the 5th of May 2013, a little scared, a little nervous. And during the course of this (almost) 3 month period, I met some of the friendliest and helpful people, experienced some of the best "firsts" in my life and lived fully. There is a small part of me that wishes I didn't have to go back. Its strange how I can stay in a place for such a short while and feel like I'm leaving home all over again. I'm going to miss you, Tuebingen and I hope I will get to see you again.

Auf Wiedersehen!

"Love"

2012-06-03T18:02:00.000-04:00

The latest episode of Satyamev Jayate got me thinking about the basic definition of love. What provokes a couple to elope? Is it really love or is it simply a desire to spend the rest of their life together?

Everybody in the episode was quoting Ghalib "Ishq kiya nahi jaata, ho jata hain". I completely agree but I wish I had a chance to ask them just one question: "Ishq ka anjaam shaadi hi ho, yeh kis ghalib ne kaha hai"

Is it not possible to love someone, not spend the rest of your life with them and still be happy? Does love really need physical presence? If out-of-sight is out-of-mind is it true love?

And then come hurling more questions! Is it impossible to love two people at the same time? Would it be wrong if you loved your spouse and also loved another person? We love our parents, our siblings, our friends and many others who play an important part in our life. I concede that the love we feel for our spouse is not the same kind of love that we have for everyone, but each one of them holds a special place in our heart. Similarly, can you not hold a special place in your heart for just one more person?

Hurting the people who cared for us and loved us for atleast 25 years, risking ones life and running away...is this what love really warrants?

P.S. A few thoughts by Paulo Coelho on the same subject http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2012/06/05/the-accommodating-point-2/

Random thoughts

2011-12-29T18:18:00.001-05:00

तेरे खयालो में जागते हैं
तेरे सपनो में सोते हैं

तुने नींद नहीं लूटी चैन नहीं चुराया
बस जीने की नयी राह दिखाई

सब कुर्बान कर गए आखिर तन्हाई पाई

तेरे राह पर चलने की यह सज़ा पाई

अब जाए कहाँ रस्ता अन्जान है

कदम कदम पर चुबे कांटे! हाय!

आगे अकेले चल नहीं पाऊँ मुझे भक्ष दो

जलादो मेरे बदन को अपना मशाल बनालो
यह आखरी दुआ है तुमसे...मुझपे इतना तो रहम करदो!

की मौत तो मेहबूबा है , उस्की बाहों में चले जाएंगे
और इस ज़िन्दगी के बेवफाई ने हमे सिखा ही दिया है
की अकेले आए थे, अकेले ही चले जाएंगे **

अकेले आए थे, अकेले ही चले जाएंगे
इस दुनिया पे अपनी चाहत की ऐसी मिसाल छोड़ जाएंगे
तेरी याद में ये बेवफा, मौत को भी
हस्ते हुए गले लगा जाएंगे **

** यह दोनों मेरे एक पुराने दोस्त के अन्मोल रत्न हैं

దూర తీరాలలో...

2011-01-15T22:37:00.000-05:00

కూటికోసం, కూలికోసం

పట్టణంలో బ్రతుకుదామని-

తల్లి మాటలు చెవిన పెట్టక

బయలుదేరిన బాటసారికి,

మూడురోజులు ఒక్కతీరుగా

నడుస్తున్నా దిక్కుతెలియక -

నడి సముద్రపు నావ రీతిగా

సంచరిస్తూ, సంచలిస్తూ

దిగులు పడుతూ, దీనుడవుతూ

తిరుగుతుంటే -

చండ చండం, తీవ్ర తీవ్రం

జ్వరం కాస్తే,

భయం వేస్తే,

ప్రలాపిస్తే -

మబ్బు పట్టీ, గాలికొట్టీ

వాన వస్తే, వరదవస్తే

చిమ్మ చీకటి క్రమ్ముకొస్తే

దారితప్పిన బాటసారికి

ఎంత కష్టం!

శ్రీ శ్రీ జీవం పోసిన ఈ బాటసారి కథ ఈ నాటికీ ఎన్నో జీవితాల ప్రతిబింబం

సంతోషాన్నీ దుఖ్ఖాన్నీ పంచుకోడానికి తోడు లేకుంటే చాలా కష్టం.

అందరికీ దూరంగా పూలదారి వేటలో నడుస్తూ ఉండడం మహా కష్టం.

దూర తీరాలలో ఒంటరి జీవితం ఎంతో కష్టం...

What not to do when you are bored!

2010-12-07T15:20:00.000-05:00

I was sitting in this very boring class one day and my mind drifted away. I remembered a friend who said her parents were looking for marriage alliances for her (Okay, I have many friends whose parents are on the lookout but for some reason my mind just drifted to her). Then I remembered this guy who I had imagined to be the best match for her a long time ago. I had this sudden impulse to send her a mail suggesting that guy to her. Ofcourse I did not act on the impulse but could not help imagining what could have possibly happened if I had.
All this coz I was bored in class:
I somehow fish out a couple of details about the guy and send her a mail with these details. Getting details online is not difficult. I could easily find the facebook or some-other-social-network profile. Similarly I send the girl's profile to the guy.
Both like each others' profile and tell their parents. Parents hit it off too and the wedding happens.
They have a cute kid and one day the kid very eagerly asks me "Aunty, Mom and Dad tell me it was you who brought them together. How did that happen?" and I sheepishly tell the kid "O sweetheart! You were born because I was bored one day!"
So I guess its best I listen in class!!!

End of the world

2010-10-07T17:46:00.000-04:00

For anybody:
When twitter is unavailable for more than 5 milliseconds...
When there are no new FB notifications for more than an hour...
When gsearch cant find what you want...
When orkut keeps offering you a bad donut...
When no iphone apps seem to work...
When all chat protocols go crazy...
When the mail capacity counter in gmail stops moving up...
When the internet dies.

For researchers(aka geeks):
When twitter is unavailable for more than 5 milliseconds...

When there are no new FB notifications for more than an hour...

When gsearch cant find what you want...

When scholar does not find your recent paper...

When orkut keeps offering you a bad donut...

When no iphone apps seem to work...

When all chat protocols go crazy...

When the mail capacity counter in gmail stops moving up...

When gmaps cant find any route other than the one you know already(home to lab and back)...

When phdcomics server is down...

When the internet dies.

We are only a tad more dependent on the net :D

Silent Tears

2010-06-28T01:55:00.001-04:00

She lies there hidden under the covers
With empty eyes waiting for the end,
Silent tears glistening down her cheek, and
Lips sending out a silent prayer for redemption

Her heart silently breaks
Her wet face is obscured
She is dying but none knew

That her silence was slowly killing her

There wasn't always silence
She had once known cheer
Laughter and mirth had once filled her life
But then she was still alive,
But then she was more than just an existence

When her dreams shattered
She knew not that it was the end
She tried hard to hold on
To that bleak ray of hope

She struggled through many years
Hoping, hoping, still hoping
But her prayers were not answered
And her patience wore out

Today is the end, she knows

She no longer has to smile

When what her heart really desired

Was to cry out loud

Today is the end, she knows
She no longer has to stay silent
When she really wants to scream and
Open her thoughts to the world

Today is the end,
She goes away silently
To a world free from silence
To a world she belongs...

"Chat" in a bus

2009-11-19T02:18:00.000-05:00

Date: 16th November 2009
Location: In a BMTC bus from Silk board to office on the Koramangala Inner Ring Road.

An elderly lady climbs into the bus, pushes everybody aside with her “Excuse me” and “Swalpa jaaga bidi”, goes to a seat where two men were sitting in ladies' seats. She makes them get up and beckons me to sit next to her.
Me: Thanks, Aunty
Aunty (pointing to another lady standing in the bus and a couple of guys sitting in ladies' seats): That lady should also ask those people to get up and sit down. These men, you know, they wont realize until they are told that they are sitting in a ladies seat.
I nod and smile.
Silence for a few minutes.
Aunty: Where do you work?
Me: Yahoo in EGL here
Aunty: Software-a?
Me: Yes, Aunty
Aunty: How is software industry now? Has it improved?
Me: Its slowly improving.
Aunty: You get to go abroad?
Me: Not everybody aunty. Only the higher level executives get to go.
Me (tired of only answering questions): Do you work, aunty?
Aunty: I work in Vijaya Bank here only. You know the banking sector also has become very difficult nowadays. Ofcourse, job security is there but you have to keep learning, managing so many things...
Me(very grateful for the extra information): Hmm....
Silence for a few minutes again.
Aunty: You've done B.E.?
Me: I've done M.E Aunty.
Aunty(completely puzzled): What is M.E?
Me: Master of Engineering. Its post-graduation, done after B.E.(Ah! Now everything seemed clear to her)
Aunty: Which university?
Me: IISc.
(After observing the puzzled look is coming back) Indian Institute of Science, Aunty. Its in Yeshwantpur.
Aunty: Okay
Aunty: Which community to you belong to?
Me(after getting over the shock of being asked such a totally irrelevant and seemingly rude question): We are Brahmins, Aunty
Aunty(with a slightly 'put-off' look): Brahmins is a vast community. Its easier to find people for marriage, no?
Me (trying my best to control laughter and keep a straight face): Why, Aunty? Are you looking for someone?
Aunty: Ya, for my son. But we are Christians (Thank God she clarified that else wouldn't I immediately start dreaming of her in place of my future mother-in-law!).
We can go through profiles on the net but I believe in finding someone known to us(Yes, she did know me for the past half an hour!)
Do you have any Christian friends?
Me(wanting to maximize on the fun element): Yes aunty...(after a few seconds pause and observing her face glow) but they are all married.
Aunty(clear look of disappointment on her face): Oh
Aunty: How is Mindtree? Is it a good company?
Me (while racking my brains about the sudden interest in Mindtree): Its a good company. I heard it is very well-managed.
Aunty: Okay. Actually there is one girl who is working Mindtree whom we are looking at.
Me: Okay...its a good company, aunty.
Another few minutes of silence.
Aunty: Do you have fixed timings in office? You also must be having shifts and all , right?
Me(partially glad that the 'M' topic is over): We do. 8:30 to 5:30. But we rarely go back at 5:30...there is always enough work to do.
Aunty: Do you people get time to look at profiles and think about marriage? (There it comes! The 'M' topic again).
Your parents only must see no?
My son is a doctor. He is working in St. Johns. He doesn't have time only. He has a lot of work to do. (I was imagining the poor fellow trying all means to find work and escape the torture of having to look at the girls' profiles his mother brings.)
Me: My parents want to look aunty but I'm not interested right now. (I know...I lied...but I wanted to hear what would come next if I said I wasn't interested).
Aunty(with a look of shock and disbelief): Why! You must be some 25! Its high time you got married(Yes, this is what I heard many many times and still find it very funny. I always thought the time for marriage should be decided based on the maturity and readiness of a person rather than one's age).
My son is 30. I feel that its pretty late for him only, but there was no other option. He wanted to wait till he finishes his PG and gets a job. (And nobody else has the right to have such issues, right!)
Me(smile on my face): Hmm....

And then we “chit-chatted” about ordinary things like the traffic on Ring Road until my stop came.
Aunty(as I got up to leave and said bye): Bye! Have a nice day!

Personal choice - where art thou?

2009-11-05T00:15:00.000-05:00

"Islamic group bans Vande Mataram, BJP fumes"

The Jamiat-e-Ulema-e-Hind on Tuesday supported a decree against the national song Vande Mataram on the grounds that some of its lines were "against the religious principles of Islam".
The move drew fierce criticism from the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), which termed the move "anti-national".

One group says it is against the religion to sing a song which was the source of inspiration for our freedom movement. It forbids its people to continue to sing "Vande Mataram" since Muslims are not "supposed" to bow to anybody except Allah. Another group fumes at this statement, says that such resolutions should not be allowed and decides to enforce the song on the people by putting up posters of "Vande Mataram" all over the place. All of a sudden it becomes a "Hindu-Muslim" issue.

But if we really think about this, how does it matter whether a person sings Vande Mataram or not? Why should saluting to the motherland become anti-Muslim or anti-Allah? Fine, maybe it does. It still doesn't have to be enforced on all Muslims, does it? Can't it be left to the discretion of the individual?
And then again, even if such a resolution has been passed and is followed ardently by all Muslims, does it really matter? How does a group of people refusing to sing Vande Mataram become anti-national? As it is, isnt the song sung only on rare ocassions? Why should it become a raging issue and become part of the front-page news almost everyday? Its all a political power play and a tactic to grab public attention but how many people will recognize this?

Then, one thinks, is this the only ocassion when such a power play became front-page news? Is this the only time when politics interfered in the personal choices of the people? No. One gets reminded of the moral-policing event by political groups which became extremely sensational news. The political groups decide it is against Indian culture for women to go to pubs and therefore starts a movement against them (which "incidentally" takes the form of assualt on the women which is very much part of our Indian culture, I suppose).

Personal choice, in principle, seems to be disappearing from our society. A person is not completely allowed to decide how he wants to live his/her life. At every step in life, one is faced with a set of rules to follow. Yes, there need to be some rules in society so that chaos is avoided. But isn't society interfering too much off-late? A student cannot wear the dresses of his/her choice to college because it is against "college-rules". I was always under the impression that college is supposed to educate, not enforce. Something terribly wrong and against the rules of society must be going on if a man and a woman are seen together. There has to be something wrong if an elderly man is not staying with his children. Everybody around has to interfere and know what is the reason.

Somethings have to be left to a person's volition. But that doesn't seem to be happening. Where is our personal freedom lost?

GOD or MYTH?

2009-08-20T23:11:00.000-04:00

Last weekend we went to Thiruvannamalai, a holy place believed to be blessed by Siva Himself, where many great saints have attained Nirvana. The Malai (hill) is believed to be in the shape of Ardhanaareeshwara and many pilgrims perform Parikrama of the hill early in the morning. The Parikrama, a 14 km walk along the circumference of the hill's bottom, popularly known as Girivallam, is also believed to be very healthy, particularly because of the different kind of trees and medicinal plants on the path.

It was towards the end of the Girivallam that I saw her. She was sitting under a tree and shaking vigorously. She looked atleast 80 years old. I pulled out a coin and placed it in her hand. As I did that, I looked into her eyes. Never among the beggars whom I have encountered so far have I seen what I saw in her eyes. I found acute suffering, shame and helplessness. Those eyes made me feel guilty. Guilty that I could do nothing more for her. Guilty that I was standing in front of her. Guilty that I even existed.

All through the Girivallam path, we found a large number of ashrams and rehabilitation centers. Why wasn't she living in one of them? This is a place where Siva is supposed to reside in every nook and corner. Why wasn't He taking care of her? Why was she suffering in a place where no suffering is supposed to exist? Does He really exist there? Does He really exist anywhere? As I walked on, I looked back at her many times wishing I could do something more.

In the evening, as we were travelling back to Bangalore, the accident occurred. Dad had stopped mid-way while taking a U-turn and a speeding car hit our car from behind. Both cars heavily damaged but none hurt. There was heavy argument; the other guy was adamant that it was no fault of his; that since it was raining, his visibility was low and Dad shouldn't have stopped there; that his car was newer and more heavily damaged and hence we had to pay him compensation. At last, with the help of police and locals, an agreement was reached, and after much trouble with the car, we reached home. Everybody was thankful that the accident wasn't worse; that no one was hurt. Everybody said God prevented something worse from happening; that our time was good. Somehow I couldn't agree. If God had intentions of preventing bad from happening, why did He let the accident occur at all?

The famous answer that everybody will give to these questions is FATE. Some will even say its because of our karma in the last birth and then go on to give a lecture about Paapa, and Punya. Some people, who consider themselves more practical, will say they are lessons for us to learn in life. These answers only give rise to more questions. What is the quality of the God we are worshipping? God is supposed to have designed our fate. Is He a sadistic God who enjoys when His people are suffering? If the suffering is because of our previous births' doings, are we worshipping a merciless God who can't even forgive the mistakes done in the last births? Our religious scriptures say that forgiveness is the best virtue. Are we expected to be forgiving when God, shown as an ideal, is unforgiving? And if everything bad that happens is supposed to be a lesson, then I ask, what lesson is that beggar lady learning through her suffering? What was the use of the accident except loss of health and wealth?

Is the concept of God a MYTH that we have created for ourselves to escape responsibility for our doings? That can't be true as certain things happen without anyone's intentions, so there has to be some external force. Is life just a random game? Are we being simply being foolish trying to find reasons for everything that happens? The accident will be forgotten in a few days. Those eyes will remain longer in memory but will eventually fade. But the questions remain.

What it really takes!

2009-05-19T11:56:00.000-04:00

Lovers believe its the final stage
People say its the union of two humans
Elders tell me its the joining of two families
But why doesnt anybody say there is more than that!

Why dont they say there's a promise
To love the other more than yourself
Why dont they tell me there's a commitment
To live with each other through thick and thin

Why dont they say there's a need
To care and share, to give more than you get
Why dont they tell me there's a responsibility
To pass on traditions and values to the generation next

O! Why dont they tell me its a new beginning
That "my" past is erased and filled with "ours"
That "our" future becomes "my" future
And That "I' become non-existent, there's only "we"

Why dont they say that marriage is
Not the final but the very first stage
Not the union of two families but the union of many lives
Not the union of two humans but the union of two souls

Why dont they tell me that
Its a painful blessing from the heart
That I wont know what it really takes
Until "death do us apart"!

Death and After

2008-09-15T04:20:00.000-04:00

Today we got the news that some "family member"(grandfather's cousin's son) passed away. My uncle calls up early in the morning and passes the news to us and we go and have a hair bath.
I dont somehow seem to comprehend the logic behind this routine. The person who passed away was only known well to grandmother and daddy as usual doesnt remember much of him. Grandmother feels bad and says "ayyo" because he belongs to her generation and probably bcoz he knew him well but that feeling passes in a second and then she is back to her normal routine. Dad and Mom say "oh" when they hear the news and thats the end of it. Madhavi and myself, would have probably complained that we have to have an early bath on a Sunday, if we weren't prepared well enough for it. There is no trace of sadness nor even a mark of respect to be found anywhere. So why does the new of the death propagate till us who cannot feel any such emotion for the person who has lost his life?

Lets look at what exactly would have happened. The news could have reached my uncle in two ways: either the son/daughter(s) of the person who passed away might have written to him directly or he could have got the news through word of mouth. In the first case, what purpose did the people who wrote to him have in mind? Did they do this simply because they are "supposed" to pass on the news to whomever they think belong to the family or did they really want to share their grief with people they haven't probably met in a lifetime? The second possibility is blasphemous. So we can safely assume it was done purely out of a "to-do list". Purely because thats the routine to be followed. But is that really a time for routines? Has something routine-ish occurred there? Somebody just died!!! Surely not something that happens everyday!!! A person who could walk and talk a few seconds before does not exist anymore!!! This is a time when people are lost in grief and even at such a time society has a "to-do" list ready for them!!! How ridiculous can our norms get!!!

Now the other way in which he could have got the news: word of mouth. Son/daughter(s) inform some relative close enough to share their grief. That person informs somebody else and that somebody else to another somebody else and so on. Somewhere along this line the grief disappears and all that is left is a piece of news and, because of the customs that need to be followed after getting such news, may be even treated as an inconvenience. Why dont people stop propagating the news at the point where the grief disappears. Dont they realize that they are actually insulting the dead through such propagation!!!

Which human being nowadays actually wonders about the well-being of another. Who even remembers their distant relatives. Even if a person really does recall some distant relative of his in some idle moment, he will only wonder how he is and hope that he is fine. Through the propagation of such news, even this hope is lost because somebody will probably remember the "hair bath" that they had when the relative passed away. So what are such societal norms achieving? A loss of hope if at all and nothing else!!! They were initially designed so that the family which has lost a dear will have some company in their grief. But hasnt this objective become impossible and irrelevant in the situations today where people dont have enough space in their mind even for their closest relatives, forget about distant relatives?

The World's Biggest Race

2008-05-24T03:39:00.003-04:00

There is one race that most of us been running irrespective of whether or not we consider ourselves athletes and that too in the biggest and longest race...often known as life's rat-race. Different people join in at different times but most people do join in at some time or the other. We start by running against the hours, progress to minutes and then finally to seconds and milli-seconds.

We want to be the best at everything we do and for this we run fast...so fast that we cant help ignoring the beautiful little things that come our way. We have hopes for more fame, more money, more this, more that...and for that we work overtime and harder to impress our superiors and in this process lose out time that we could have spent with family, spent in solitude simply gazing at the beauty that nature has to offer us.

Inspite of missing out on such things, it is still worth it if we achieve what our heart truly desires. But, unfortunately, a lot of us look back and ask our past whether there was any use running all the time only to find that our past can give us no answer. So can we slow down? Can we take a path where we dont have to run so much? No...comes the answer because we have built up a society that doesn't respect anyone who doesn't have the best of everything. We sneer at somebody who dares to tread a path which is not considered the very best of all. Somebody who doesn't earn in millions is considered a loser. Worse, according to many people, if you are not a software engineer or a reputed doctor working in a reputed multi-specialty hospital, you are nothing at all. "There must be something wrong with him if he doesn't want to take up such a lucrative profession",we say. We ingrain this into ourselves and even teach our children the same.

Why after all? Why have we built up such a competitive world? Isn't it time that we push for a change? Isn't it time where everybody is respected irrespective of whether they are the best or not? Isn't it time we allow people to do something that their heart truly desires and not follow societal norms in every step they take? Probably you will say, "All this is ideal (and even idle) talk". But for dreaming of an ideal society, you need some idle time and isn't an ideal society something that we should hope for?

Its all because of ______

2008-05-24T03:39:00.001-04:00

Why do some things just happen?Why is there no explanation for some things?
Why do some things turn out to be so unfair?

Some people are supremely brilliant whereas some cant even manage to do their daily activities without help. Why?

Some people roll in affluence while some others grovel in poverty. Why?

For some people, its always commanding others. Some others end up following others' commands all their life. Why?

Some people never need to compromise. Some others... they will never know life without compromises. Why?

For some people, problems disappear with hardly any effort from their side. Some others wear out in the battle without any success. Why?

For some, life is full of rewards and benefits. Some people never get rewarded for their efforts.

Some people's wishes are fulfilled without even expressing them. Some others' desires remain unfulfilled even after expressing them. Why?

Some people always receive help when they are in need. Some others always find themselves left all alone in times of need. Why?

Some people always take others for granted whereas some others are always taken for granted. Why?

Why are some people so fortunate and some others so unfortunate? Isn't this injustice? Who/what is responsible for this injustice? Who/what will fill the blank?

Who's weak, who's strong?

2008-05-24T03:38:00.001-04:00

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said:
"When I made the woman she had to be special.I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,yet gentle enough to give comfort.I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides." - From a popular forward

The tear from the eye of a woman which is, in fact, a means to regain the strength the was bestowed upon her by the Almighty, has often been misunderstood as a sign of weakness. Women have always been labeled as the weaker section of the society, irrespective of the community, caste, region, religion.....
But I strongly believe that every woman is a colossal pillar of strength and patience. For don't the following situations that a woman faces require immense strength and patience?

To accept the fact that a male child would have been preferred instead of you and live with this fact in your mind for the rest of your life.
To sacrifice your education so that your male siblings can advance their education.
To understand why your freedom on this earth is limited whereas that of your male siblings and friends is limitless.
To bear the insults and the rude comments made by worthless people and road-side rowdies with absolute silence.
To say "NO" to a friend who has misinterpreted your friendship, to know that you will never be forgiven and to never be able to forgive yourself for killing his hopes and dreams.
To live in the fear that, as a result of your action, someday, your hopes also may be destroyed.
To feel like a sinner for allowing the misinterpretation to happen, when, in fact, you should be feeling betrayed.
To mutely accept the important decisions about your life that are made for you by others even if you have other views.
To give up everything that belongs to you; the house that you grew up in, your parents, your friends, all the beautiful memories associated with your past, even your very identity - to become part of somebody's family.
To change and adapt yourself to your new surroundings so that you will be accepted in the new society that you have stepped into.
To abide by your husband's and in-laws' wishes irrespective of whether or not you want to.
To take complete responsibility of your children; to ensure that they grow up into responsible people who will be accepted by the society.
To take the complete blame mutely if the children don't turn out to behave "as expected".
To lose yourself completely in becoming a source of love, support and encouragement for your husband and your children.
To sometimes sacrifice your own career and priorities to ensure that those of your husband and children are evergreen.
To wait for ages together in the hope that, someday sometime, you will hear a word of appreciation for all that you have done - that you will hear a single "Thank you".
To not feel disappointed when your family, for whom you have done so much, is not there with you when you need them the most and to let it go with a simple thought that whatever you had done and whatever you will do is not a favor but your responsibility.
To live alone, having for company only memories of the past, when the one who had promised to hold your hand and walk with you throughout your life has been taken away from you.
To mutely accept the blame put on you by the society that, in some way, you are responsible for this unfortunate incident.
To allow society to decide what you are supposed to eat and wear and how you are supposed to live - things that will constantly re-iterate to you the unfortunate incident- after this unfortunate incident has occurred.
To look back and find that you have achieved nothing and done nothing for yourself in your entire life.
To die with the nasty feeling that your entire life has been wasted.

Cheers to you, ladies, for having exhibited immense patience and strength of accepting the worst.
But hasn't the time come as yet to stop showing such patience?
Hasn't the time come as yet to do something for yourself?

Can't you see there's another side to the coin?

2008-05-24T03:36:00.001-04:00

Many a times we come across people who just will not listen to another person's point of view. What they think is right and what they do is perfect. How do we deal with such people? Simple...Dont try to deal with them. Coz there's no point trying to. They will only drag the point(which itself may be of no value) till they make you give up and agree with them. The best thing is to avoid such situations as far as possible and in the worst case that you do get into such situations, get out of them as fast as possible. No point having tiffs. They are never going to listen to your point of view and even you actually manage to make them listen to your view, all they will do is argue against it even if they see sense in it. Their ego wont allow them to accept that they were wrong and even that there is another way of looking at the issue.

What if going by their ideas can have disastrous consequences? What do we do then? The best thing to do in such unfortunate circumstances is to try other means, such as postponing the decision-making, or trying to get some others who are also invloved in the decision-making to see the flaw in the idea and listen to your point of view. Ofcourse, these techniques may not always be feasible or successful. Then simply admit to the fact that there are certain things you cannot change, certain things that just need to happen, however disastrous they may be. Why worry about things that are beyond you?

There are two sides to every coin. Each side has its own beauty. But people who have too much ego ingrained into them stongly believe that there is only one side to it and thats the side they are seeing. They will eventually see the other side even if they dont tell you. Things will turn out all well in the end.

Will neighbors ever be friends?

2008-05-24T03:35:00.001-04:00

Today India won the finals of the Twenty20 World Cup against Pakistan. It was a close and commendable win. There is excitement everywhere...crackers are being burst...people are whistling, singing, dancing...literally everyone everywhere is expressing his/her joy in some manner or the other. What exultation!!!What joy!!!!And what a display of emotions!!!

But a little introspection shows that the exultation is more because of the win against Pakistan than just the win. Had India played against some other country...there surely would have been a lot of joy but surely not this much. Had India lost this match against Pak, the Indian team would have been cursed more than if they had lost a match against some other country. (This also asks us to introspect on the value we attribute to these games...esp. cricket...We can never see them as just games...Can we?)

We are secretly grooming the animosity that developed between the two countries and tend to display it openly when such occasions arise. In the face of such acrimony, will the peace talks, that the two governments attempt once in a while, ever succeed? I don't think so. For real peace to come into picture and exist forever between the two neighbors, we need to change our mindsets. We need to treat Pakistan like we treat any other country. We need to offer friendship, not hatred. We belong to one sub-continent, we have a common history, we have shared our past...lets share our future too.

Man - Predator/Protector

2008-05-24T03:32:00.000-04:00

"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words." - Anna Sewell

In all our scriptures, whether they belong to Hinduism, Islam or Christianity, it is said that MAN was created after all the other creatures to protect them and care for them.
We ardently follow all other things said in these scriptures, don't we? Then why miss out on only this? More than half of the world population is non-vegetarian. We kill animals and eat - can't we find anything else in the vegetarian category to compensate for the nourishment or the "joy" that we receive from these non-vegetarian foods?

We kill insects and bugs for absolutely no reason except that they came in our way. Why can't we simply push them away instead of squishing them and ending their lives? Stray dogs are being killed because they are becoming a menace. Why can't we sterilize them and leave them to lead their own lives peacefully? Animals like tigers, lions, elephants,deer,.... are being poached everyday. No law is able to curb these poachers efficiently. And what is their fault....just their beauty???

Imagine someone doing that to us!!! Imagine some superior hand simply squishing us to death for no fault of ours. Imagine being killed because we are beautiful. The loss that we feel when a dear one is gone forever!!! They feel the same...they just can't tell us that in our language...they say it in their own mute language. They being the "inferior" beings cannot understand our language. But can't we, the "superior" beings (with all the abilities that we have), atleast attempt to understand theirs?
Why can't we leave those poor creatures to lead their lives as per their will? Why do we have to destroy our nature?God has bestowed us with abilities and powers that no other creature on earth has been privileged with. We could surely put these to better use by caring for the creatures around us, or in the least not bothering them.

WE ARE BORN AS HUMANS...LETS SHOW SOME HUMANITY