Tales from the Dark Side

Forcebook updates

2012-08-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

A dark lord has to keep up to date information readily available to him at all times. That's why I use forcebook.com. It's really easy! You just pretend to be someones friend and then they will basically reveal all the embarrassing and tragic events they have experienced that day. For example:

Here is a picture of Boba hiring a WOOKIEE to fix his SUV. How embarrassing! Let it be known that I hired someone to put sugar in his gas tank. But wait there's more!

Looks like troop morale is down on Endor. Time to show the "When Ewoks Attack" training film again. We'll have a barbeque to improve morale, maybe ribs and ice cream. That should do the trick.

Forcebook also helps me out any fool stupid enough to disrespect me on a public forum. I'll end this blog with a fan art someone made of me. Because I'm freaking AWESOME!

Rest in peace, Frank Frazetta. Feb. 9th, 1928-May 10th, 2010

Your art lives on through your many fans who miss you very much.

Natural Born Sith

2012-07-31T13:42:00.000-07:00

Using Anger to tap into dark side powers is what helped make me what I am today. My new apprentice may someday exceed even My potential....arise Darth Big Red.

Hallmark moment

2012-07-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

Got a card from Boba Fett today. (which is really weird because most people use Apple iholo wrist communicators now) Here let me post it so you can see this.

~sigh~ It gets worse...

The inside reads:

Dear Darth Vader

I used to woder what friendship could be

until the Ponies shared their magic with me

Love and tolerance is the Brony way

I think if you learn that you'll be okay

Why so serious? :(

yer pal Boba Fett

So I sent him this card.

the inside reads:

F--- you pony---

You can take your love and tolerance and shove it up your ---.

Sincerely,

the guy who is going to carve you a new hole

The worst thing is I used to think he was cool. I mean, we used to go kill sand people together just to blow off steam. Not work or anything, you know, just drink a few brewskis and off a few sand people. Good times. I really thought he GOT me. Dang. Now I need some alone time in my isolation chamber.

Later peeps.

Outed!

2012-07-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

I knew that there was something wrong about Boba Fett. I had my suspicions when I first saw this image on the internet....

Yeah I know. If you think that is bad this holodisk image taken by IG-88 is beyond damning.

Boba Fett, you #$@%&*@$%^%%&^$#@#!! Brony! I have lost all manner of respect for you. How am I supposed to sell sculptures of you for hundreds of dollars a pop when you're out there acting so darn silly? What would Jango say? That's right, I invoked the name of your prequel incarnation, because even though in my heart I hate those movies, they make me filthy rich! Do you know how much it costs to refuel just one Star Destroyer? Do you?! I think you hunt all those wookies just so you can make your own fur suit you sick degenerate. I'd put a bounty out for you but I'm looking forward to seeing your humiliation at the hands of your peers.

A New Foe!

2012-07-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

Deep in the outer rim I have discovered a planet populated with equine force users. They pose a great threat the Imperial Party, because their television show ( a pansy bit of fluff intended for little GIRLS) is cutting into my demographic,18-45 year old MALES! W.T.F.? Lord Vader cannot afford to lose his merchandising profits to little magical ponies! The Poni force users are surprisingly powerful, as I have learned for myself.

I have decided to withdraw my forces from the planet Equestria and study these Poni warriors. Already a small faction have allied with the Jedi under the leadership of Obi-Wan Broni. I must find their weakness and deviate them to the Dark Side. Until then I will suffer no Poni or Broni left alive. Either they will willingly spend their credits on official STAR WARS licensed merchandise or they will suffer beneath my tyranny. My universe doesn't have room for sissy boys.

2012 Election

2012-07-15T15:18:00.000-07:00

My loyal peons,
Lord Vader has decided to accept nomination for the 2012 presidential election from the Imperial Party. Don't worry, your campaign contributions are already being automatically deducted from your payroll credits. I want to see my t-shirt on every healthy pair of lungs out there.

http://www.cafepress.com/Vader2013

I will force choke you if I see this bumper sticker on your starfighter.

http://www.cafepress.com/kenobi2012

Do not underestimate the power of the Dark Side. The fate of the Empire depends on your vote.

News from the Battle Front

2012-01-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

This is a hacked transmission from Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan. The Mandalorians are taking up offensive positions in various free zones within Separatist space.

The Galactic Empire will strip you of all the freedoms you take for granted if you go passively.
Oh and I just got the cutest little Ewok today! I got him from Pet Depot. Don't go there BTW
the whole place is filled with scabies.

Anyways here he is building a sand castle in the litter box! Isn't he adorable? I LUV my lil Snookie Wookems! Oh and Vader? You will never be my father. Never. Bail Prestor Organa raised me from a baby to respect all life and live peacefully. The Separatist rebellion is necessary to overthrow a corrupt political regime. I would rather die than live under your heel.

Snow Days

2011-12-13T10:08:00.000-08:00

Saw this infomercial today...

2011-12-04T03:40:00.001-08:00

Lord Vader is always looking for superior products to keep the Death Star tidy. If you've ever remodeled your kitchen, imagine what kind of mess we have on our hands here. Might have to give this product a try.

Lord Vader LOVES Twilight! If a hot chick like Bella can accept that Edward is a blood-sucking leach and still love him there is still hope for me. I've been so lonely without my Panda Bear Padme.

Oh btw, If anyone knows this girl please have her friend me on forcebook.com. Papa likes.

New Recruits

2011-11-29T10:56:00.001-08:00

Sometimes funny things happen to new recruits.

Joe and Ben here are about to find out why the Empire pays

double wages to work the deforestation detail on Endor.

Imperial Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe

2011-11-20T01:18:00.001-08:00

Everyone wants to know my recipe for chocolate chip cookies. I'm posting it here so you can all stop asking me.

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 large eggs
2 cups ( 12 oz. ) Chocolate Chips
1 cup (2 sticks) Imperial Margarine

You may not use any other brand margarine or ....gasp....wheez....choke....real butter. This is the secret ingredient that makes rebels turn dark side and keeps them addicted...er...motivated...yeah, that's it....to do a hard days work for next to nothing. Only IMPERIAL MARGARINE is acceptable. I command it. And don't even get me started on this stuff...

Eat this and you're as good as dead. Oh yeah. The recipe. You take all the ingredients and beat them into submission. Then cast them into the flames of a oven preheated to 375 degrees for 7 to 8 minutes. Your yummy Dark Side cookies will corrupt your soul and leave you an empty vessel to do my bidding.

Okay have a great weekend every one!

Career Fair

2011-11-02T01:12:00.000-07:00

The Galactic Empire hosted a career fair at Centares Community College this evening. We had some lively conversation about Criminal Justice, EMT training, and the future of the galaxy. There really is a diverse amount of career opportunities for young cadets in the Imperial Forces. Yes, we need soldiers, but that is just the core fundamentals of a much more elaborate chain of command. We need munition experts, pilots, chefs, artisans, craftsmen, architects, scientists, musicians (yes, musicians, okay?), doctors, lawyers, mechanics, engineers, and so on for infinity, it seems. In fact I think I might just take over the community college. That seems the easiest way to assimilate them all. Anyways, we had a great booth, here's a photo I took with my camera phone. It also functions as a light saber. Cheers.

And now for something completely different.

2011-10-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

New Troops

2011-10-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

~~Dear Diary~~ Dark Lords Journal : star date sumthing or other :
Was talking to Boba Fett about how cool it would be if he would let me clone him to make a new army with his genetic information. He said something about how demeaning it was to see thousands of slaves who all look exactly like him or something along those lines. I think he was holding out for more credits or something. After dangling him off a cliff while choking him with my force power for a little bit he seemed a bit more enthusiastic.

We went to see the illegal jawa fights on Tatooine and were inspired:

Smaller warriors were actually better at accomplishing certain military tactics than full-size humanoids.

I had Boba step into the Easy-Bake Clone oven and set the control to four.

Out popped these little dudes. I'm not sure if the control setting made four of them or set their age,

cause they look about four years old.

Anyways they act like four year olds so that means they are the perfect destructive force for me to implement my dark and sinister schemes. I will be making sure to avoid attending any conflicts they are engaged in personally, because they are unruly hooligans full of energy and completely invulnerable to mind persuasion force skills. I've used video games to hone their combat skills and they are fed chocolate chip cookies to incite berserk-er rage before being air dropped into hostile territory. I anticipate watching the carnage they shall reap across the galaxy in my name.

Droid Shopping

2011-09-29T04:27:00.000-07:00

Finally got back from the outer rim and decided it was time to replace R2. Who knows where he is? Had the troopers search the entire Star Destroyer. No signs of Leia. Might as well do a little droid shopping at this Jawa Outlet I like. Mostly refurbished and seconds, but you can't beat the prices.

No. Definitely not anything by Apple, thank you. Next!

What's that one called? A probe droid? Uh, no, don't need one of those. Next!

I can't be seen in public with a Hello Kitty Droid, what are you thinking?! Next!

What's that one do? Dispense Mountain Dew? Next!

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Next!

What's wrong with this one? A bad motivator? I'll give you 200 credits for it. Let's go!

Fondue anyone?

2011-09-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

To rid my Star Destroyer of the clone cat infestation, I enlisted the help of the bounty hunter Boba Fett. Fett recommended a trip to a planet deep within the outer rim. The inhabitants were very enthusiastic to cleanse our vessel, and hospitable as well. They actually threw an impromptu parade for us! There was a ceremony and I am now King of Melmac. The inhabitants are not trooper stock, but perhaps I shall install a nuclear facility for them to operate on the Empires behalf. I have decided to utilize Fett and my other bounty hunter connections to locate Leia. I have a Star Destroyer full of cat hair and a lint brush with her name on it.

Attack of the (Cat) Clones

2011-09-26T09:16:00.000-07:00

Catastrophe! Princess Leia must have left her Easy Bake Clone Oven turned on in her room. Oh, the horror that 60 watt incandescent bulb has rendered! I knew I should have got her the Lite-Brite Saber kit instead...bah. What will the Emperor say when I tell him my Star Destroyer is overrun with Achoo! cats?!
If I start vaporizing them now I'm liable to kill myself in the ensuing dander. Curses! This cannot be my destiny, to be defeated by domestic felines. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rebel Cat

2011-09-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

Vader: Princess Leia has smuggled a cat aboard this Star Destroyer.
I DESPISE cats! They shed all over and cause all sorts of trouble with my asthma.
Also they like to number 2 in my boots for some reason. I want that cat vaporized on sight!

Vader: There it is! Disintegrate it!

Vader: sniff...My elite soldiers cannot even shoot a cat. Why is this happening to me? Achoo!

The Darth Car

2011-09-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

Storm Trooper: Holy cow this thing runs on fossil fuels! This must cost hundreds of thousands of credits just for title, insurance, fuel and maintenance!

Darth Vader: Fool! Of course it is expensive, it is a status symbol. I expect you to service this vehicle and keep it sparkling like the day it was manufactured. If I find so much as a dent, a simple scratch, I shall sever your head from your torso.

Storm Trooper: But why would you even want a, uh, er...this?

Darth Vader: Think of it like this...as the Sith Lord Vader I rule the galaxy,

but as the owner of a 1970 Dodge Challenger, I simply RULE!

An Important Mission

2011-09-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

Lord Vader: Storm Trooper. I have an important mission for you.

Storm Trooper: Yes, my liege! Your will is my command.

Lord Vader: The toilet on this level is backed up again. Make sure to plunge it good this time. I command you to mop up afterward. Use the stuff that smells like pine trees.

Storm Trooper: ~sigh~ Yes, my Dark Master. It shall be as you decree, your Excellency.

Captured!

2011-09-21T02:56:00.000-07:00

Ha ha! Got a call from the troopers tonight! Leia is safe and in custody. So are those losers she hangs out with. Who do these guys think they are, Z Z Top? It seems that young Mr. Solo not only has a defective hyper drive, but the title on his craft is in question as well. Millennium Falcon? Looks like it belongs to some guy named Lando. Who the heck names their kid Lando? Ugh they had a wookie with them. They don't make a deodorant strong enough for those things. Dunno the kid on the right, but I feel bad for the poor shmoe who fathered him. What a dork!

I never thought I'd say it but it's a good thing Padme isn't alive to see her daughter. She'd kill me if she saw Leia dressed like this!

What am I going to do with this child?

Called the Five-Oh tonight...

2011-09-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. Leia has been gone for over 24 hours, and she's turned her cell phone off. Called in the Five-Oh, actually the 501st, and a local trooper stopped by to file a report. He tried to be reassuring, telling me about how this sort of thing happens all the time. She is probably out having the time of her life and here I am worried sick. The problem with children is they just don't care about anyone but themselves. I know I haven't been the greatest father but I'm trying my best. Not like I had a father figure growing up, unless you count that sleemo Watto. *sigh* Filed a report for R2 while I was at it. I hate waiting. This sucks.

daughter issues...sigh

2011-09-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I found out what happened to my droid. To make a long story short, I've recently found out that I'm a father. I wish I would have known sooner. I've missed so many years. Her name is Leia. She is already a teenager and it's like we come from completely different worlds. Well technically we do, but I digress. I'm sure she was adorable as a child but now it's all about the hair and makeup and clothes. She already has her mind made up about the world. She's interested in boys too, and she's got this terrible rebellious streak. I think she gets it from her mother.

So anyways I had her over to the Death Star, kind of a take your daughter to work day sort of thing. The whole time she acted like I was kidnapping her or something, yelling at me about how evil I was, and how it was wrong to discipline unruly planets by blowing them up. Then I found out she "lost" my R2 unit! She says to me "So what's the big deal, it's just a droid." Just a droid. Like a 1970 Dodge Challenger is "just" a car. Kids these days. I had no choice but to put her in time out with the interrogation droid.

Now she's run off with her boyfriend in his piece of junk starship. I just don't get it. Here I am, in charge of maintaining order in a full-fledged galactic empire and I can't even keep an unruly teenage girl in check. I need a ice mocha bad.

Why I miss R2D2...

2011-09-18T00:11:00.000-07:00

Please find my lost R2 unit. We've been through a lot together. I've got over a decade of data stored on his hard drive, including all my Beatles MP3s, jpegs of my art portfolio, and old holodisk images of all my family and friends. I could get a new droid but it would never be the same.

It's like when photo went digital and everything became simpler to do. Suddenly there wasn't a darkroom to hang out in anymore. No smelly chemicals, but no one to talk to either. My favorite camera to ever use was my trusty Pentax K-1000. A sweet 35mm SLR with just aperture, shutter speed, and film settings. So simple. So intuitive. My Cannon digital Rebel gets the job done, but why did they have to name the darn thing Rebel? Why???

If you locate the R2 unit in question please contact me at jdrhodes77@gmail.com.

Missing Droid

2011-09-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

I am offering a bounty for a missing R2 unit. Anyone who is in possession of or knows the whereabouts of this astromech should contact me immediately.