Outside the Box

Take me away

2019-08-16T11:54:00.001+08:00

If Only

2018-09-05T01:49:00.002+08:00

If only we try.
If only we try just a little harder.
Then maybe,
We'll hear the words left unspoken and see the tears unshed.

If only we try.
If only we looked just a little bit longer.
Then maybe,
We'll taste the bland truth of that unfathomed sadness and hold together a defeated heart.

If only we try.
If only we pushed a little deeper.
Then maybe,
We'll feel the weight of that assumed strength and offer that comfort to be weak.

If only we try.
Then maybe, you'll see me.
And I, you.

- Soulmate07

Lost Within

2017-10-22T22:20:00.001+08:00

Each day i wake, and i force myself out of bed, trying to find my purpose
Each day i don that smile, to fake myself out of the whys
Laughing my way out of conversations, so i have no reason to talk
And when people ask me how i keep my spirits up, i need to bite my tongue for all the lies
As the day ends, i tire myself to sleep, reading all about happy people and their happy lives
I browse through all photos and videos of strangers so my eyes wont have the time to cry
I go about living my life, day after day, and no one knows about each moment i die
This is a sad, sad life.

Moving Backwards

2015-11-08T12:18:00.001+08:00

I know now.
I was not ready to forgive you.
You did not give me enough time to heal.
You forced me to move forward too soon.
That now, I'm having a hard time reconciling what my heart is feeling and what my mind is telling.
I'm failing to understand why I keep on loving the one person who hurt me the most.

Unwelcome Thoughts

2015-08-28T10:03:00.000+08:00

The following is not of my doing, but I'm posting it for reasons which I find selfish yet pierce my heart in ways even I do not understand.

Don't be selfish. If you do not love the way her hair curls at the ends or her nose wrinkles when she laughs, then let her go. If you don't see her as a fucking masterpiece, then let her go, because someone else will.
Don't be selfish. If you don't love the way she sneezes, or the way she dribbles the toothpaste down her chin when she brushes her teeth then let her go. If you're heart doesn't almost beat out of your chest when you wake up and the first thing you see is her soundly sleeping on your shoulder, let her go. Someone else would kill for that.
Being with someone when you know you don't love her is cruel. It's not only cruel, it's holding her back from someone who can give her everything. Someone who feels waves breaking in his ribcage when he see her walk around the corner. Someone who has had the worst of days, but rainbows suddenly appear at the thought of her. Someone who hears the sound of her voice and it soothes the darkest of nightmares. If that is not you, let her go.
She is a wonder, she is magic, she deserves someone who believes that every single day, and not just on certain days.

Don't be selfish. If you do not love the contours of his hands, or the way his brows arch when he is thinking hard, then let him go. If you don't see him as the most amazing thing to have happened to you, then let him go, because someone else will.
Don't be selfish. If you don't love the way his nose turns red when he has a cold, or the way his fingers curl around your arm, then let him go. If your heart doesn't almost always beat out of your chest when you wake up and the first thing you see is him soundly sleeping, disarmed and innocent. Someone else would be pining for that.
Being with someone when you know you don't love him is cruel. It's not only cruel, it's holding him back from someone who could give him everything. Someone who has a thousand oceans rising within her when she looks into his eyes. Someone who has had the worst of days, but fireworks go abuzz at the sight of him. Someone who desires the feeling of his arms around her as it soothes the darkest of nightmares. If that is not you, then let him go.
He is not just the idea of love, he is love himself. He deserves someone who believes that every single day.

In a way, I get it. If you cant love the person, in and out, in ways of simplicity or grandeur, every single day, no matter how hell bad that day is, its better to let go.
And then I thought to myself, I don't always like him , and I know we don't always see everything eye-to-eye. There are even days that I hate him. I also sense that there are days he hates me too. I know that there are days when I don't want to listen, and nights when I'm so angry, I won't even dare to hold him.
There are moments that I feel I deserve more than what he can give me. And that I have given more than enough. There are days that I want to be held, cherished, pampered, loved more than what I expect, more than what I want, more than what I need. And then there are days when I want to be free, without obligations, without expectations, without giving.

We all have this notion, a pre-conceived idea of how love should be. Should being the operative word. An ideal where love is flowers and chocolates and romantic dinners. Where there are no flaws too big, no differences too wide, no heartaches too deep. The truth is, love is not defined by the limits of the mind. It cannot be framed with the boundaries of the superficial.

And so to let go, like everything else, is a choice. To choose to let him go because I hated the way he picked his nose, or the way he sleeps 18hrs a day, or his goddamn guts, is choosing to let go of the warm hugs when I'm scared shitless because of the storm; and the coloring materials he bought me because I was depressed; and the chocolates and hamburgers I requested even if its bad for my health; and the smiles and the laughter and the tears brought about by being together for 13 years; and the friendship that kept us from kiling each other; and the silent kisses and whispers of 'i love you' in the dead of night, when the mind stopped thinking and the heart starts speaking.

Tell me, how do you let go?

Pretense

2014-12-14T15:18:00.002+08:00

there's too much pain in my heart
too much pain that the tears just kept falling, without end
i don't even have the strength to stop them

there's too much confusion in my head
too confused that the memories kept flashing in my thoughts
i don't even know what's true anymore

i could remember every embrace, every kiss, every whisper of love
i remember every touch, every look, every smile
i remember every struggle, every pain, every ounce of anger
i remember trying, failing, and trying again
i remember every guilt, every tear, every slice of hurt

and everything is a pretense
everything is a lie
everything is a realization of false hopes

and i thought there's no pain greater than being left behind
this is a deeper kind of pain, something that will never go away.
something that will reside in the deepest, darkest part of my heart
the pain that blinds love, hope, tomorrow

the pain that makes a person choose... oblivion

everything is a pretense.

Undiluted Fear

2014-01-30T08:27:00.000+08:00

For the first time in my life, I fear for me.

I have been trying to hold back in taking this step for as long as I can remember.

The past years I was just trying to get out of the hole I myself dug.
There were no excuses, only justifications of the why.
I could not bear to even think about it, I was too ashamed.
All I wanted was redemption. Freedom from guilt. From sin.

The path I chosen was never easy. I preferred it that way.
It was my means of making amends.
So I did what I have to do. I did what is asked of me.
I did what I thought will save us. I crawled.

I was under false hopes that I was making progress.
I thought I was building something, a foundation for permanence.
Yet, after I pulled myself out of the depths of error,
I am forced to admit I am, again, wrong.

Now, I fear.
I fear that everything that happened lead me to this.
I fear the realization I have been standing on the edge of this cliff
I fear that I wanted to jump off and just... fall.

A View of Never

2013-06-17T15:02:00.000+08:00

I was ready for the pain. It was his day. Hers.
But I never thought it would hurt too much.

I busied myself as everybody’s make-up artist, hairdresser, convenience store and personal assistant. I believed tiring myself to the extreme will numb me of emotions.

But.

When she took that first step in that red carpet, in that white flowing dress, the tears blinded me.
I was wrong. I wasn’t ready. Never was.

It is impossible even to pretend that everything was and will be okay.
I was torn between being happy for him, for them, and being sorry for myself.
I don’t need to look in the mirror to know that my eyes lack the luster of happiness.
The smile on my face was an outward lie.

It was in the vows that I lost all hopes. I give up.

I will never have this moment.
No matter how much I dream.

Surrender

2012-11-21T11:44:00.003+08:00

it was pain more than i can bear yet my body shows no scar
i tried but the tears never stopped
i am blinded by the irony of pain and belief
i am lost in my own struggles

i closed myself to understanding
i hid myself from the truth
i could not listen to the whispers
i would not feel the wind

and then You touched my heart
held it in Your hands
You made me see how strong, you made me feel how full
i found what has been lost

You have been telling me, i am strong
shouting that i cannot doubt myself again
You have been holding me
carrying me when i thought i was alone

You have shown me my path
with light and big arrows
You have been calling me
i was there all along but i failed to see

to you, i surrender. everything.

Strangers

2012-04-30T16:06:00.000+08:00

It was more of a chance than coincidence.
Both of us being in the same place and time, two days in a row.
I wasn’t expecting you to stop again.
Considering the doubtful question yesterday.
The only sentence that was spoken between the two of us for the last 5 years.
Yet you did.

I wouldn’t be able to explain what I saw in your eyes that morning.

Hate. Anger. Regret. And very faintly that I could almost say I imagined it, love.
So when you turned around and traversed the road that was familiar yet haunting to me, I held my breath.

Silence hung between us.

I could count the number of your breaths.
The beating of my heart.
I wanted to look at you but I am so afraid the moment might lose its grip.
That you might snap back to reality.
I was both hoping and dreading that you would.

Silently, you drove us to that place beneath the trees.

The one place in this world I could not bear to be.
Without question, you took my hand and led me within the shadows.
And for the length of an eternity, you held me.
Held me as if yesterday was a memory that was never there.
Held me as if tomorrow is a future that is not possible to happen.

I just closed my eyes and let you.

Then I let the tears flow. Uncontrollably. The ones I held for years.

I assume I fell asleep. Because when I opened my eyes, the sun is high in the sky, and the leaves shone brightly as they dance.

I looked at you when I felt you stir beside me.
For a fraction of a second I travelled back in time. When I could look into your eyes and feel that the world righted itself overnight.

Your lips touched mine briefly, light as a feather.

You held me again. But this, with urgency. As if time is running out. In metaphor, I believe it is.

Without explanation, we drove back.
To the place where nobody knew.
To the place where our past was nothing but a murmur among the entire buzz.

Back to how we were.

Strangers.

Jeps

2012-02-21T10:27:00.004+08:00

Everytime a day unfolds,
I see all the possibilities the world has to offer
I can play in the sun today
Or ride the bullet train
Maybe climb the Eiffel tower
Or swim the English Channel
I can sip my coffee in France
Or eat tacos in Mexico
Maybe rebuild the pyramids in Egypt
Or rediscover Atlantis
I can also choose to be just me today
I'll be lazy and I'll 'work' the day off
Or I'll surf the net and humor my sister with updates
Maybe I'll be my usual pessimist self
and negate all the good in the world

But TODAY, I want to be different
Today, I'll look inside
Find all the possibilities I can offer
I can play with my strengths
and ride the waves of my dreams
Maybe climb an improvement tower
and swim over my mistakes
I can sip coffee back in school
and eat back at home
Maybe rebuild my life over
and rediscover my own treasures
I can choose to be the NEW me
I'll find how my 'work' can develop me
and surf the net on ways to do this
Maybe I'll be an optimist for the day
and see the beauty of the world

Today, I will remember, I was born for something.
And I'll haul my lazy ass up and find it.

Isang Araw ng Martes

2012-02-14T22:36:00.007+08:00

Nagsimula ang salaysay na ito kahapon, sa jeep. Habang pinag-iisipan ko kung bibili ba ako ng cake sa Red Ribbon at ng pizza sa Pizza Hut. Nabubuo sa isip ko ang takbo ng kwentong ito habang naglalakad ako, kasabay ng pag-alala ko kung noong teenager ako, sampung taon na ang nakararaan (ang 19 naman ay teenager pa diba?), ay nag celebrate ba ako ng Valentine's Day. Kung ang taon na yun ng nakaraan ang ating pag-uusapan, sasagutin ko ito ng hindi. Hindi lang dahil sa wala akong boyfriend nung taon na yun, pero dahil pinili ko na hindi.

Ang palabas sa bus pagsakay ko, "Bata, Bata, Paano Ka Ginawa?". Akala ko madrama na ang buhay ko. Pero dahil naiyak pa rin ako sa kwento, naisip ko na baka mas madrama ang buhay nya. Kasi katulad ni Lea, dalawa rin ang anak ko. Isang lalake, yung panganay, at isang babae, yung bunso. At katulad din ng sitwasyon ni Lea, magkaiba rin ang tatay ng mga anak ko. Hindi ko masabi kung sino ang mas swerte sa amin ni Lea, sa gitna ng mga drama namin sa buhay. Nagkaroon ng pagkakataon si Lea na ikasal, ako hindi. Iniwan naman siya ng dalawang lalake sa buhay nya, habang kasama ko pa rin hanggang ngayon ang ama ng aking bunso.

Minsan, ang hirap ding intindihin ng buhay. Malingat ka lang sandali, magugulat ka, nawala ka na sa pila, naiwanan ka na, naliligaw. At kung hindi mo paghihirapan na hanapin ang tamang daan, baka hindi ka na makarating sa iyong dapat puntahan. Pero minsan, sinasadya rin ng pagkakataon na malihis ka ng landas, na madapa ka, na masugatan. Pag nadapa ang anak ko, hindi yun umiiyak, tatayo siya mula sa pagkakadapa, magpapagpag ng duming dumikit sa kanyang katawan, at tatakbo ulit. Minsan, mas marami kang matututunan sa mga bata.

Kahapon din sa gitna ng aking pagtatangka na maging abogado ng isang araw, meron akong mga kaibigan na sumusubok sa kaligayahan ng puso. Walang makapagsasabi kung saan man patutungo ang kanilang sitwasyon ngayon. Maaari silang masaktan, ngunit nandun pa rin ang pag-asa na hindi at tuluyan silang maging masaya. Isa sa mga natutunan ko sa aking buhay, may dahilan at may tamang panahon ang lahat ng bagay. Kung tama man ang kanilang nararamdaman ngayon, baka mali pa ang panahon para sa kanila. Pero kailan pa?

Minsan, ang paniniwala ko, merong mga taong perpekto. Mga taong, sasabihin mo, nasa kanila na ang lahat. At ang mga taong ito ay hinahangaan ko. Dahil nakikita ko ang kanilang galing, ang kanilang pagmamahal sa kanilang ginagawa, ang kanilang paninindigan. Iniisip ko na may hangganan ang kakulangan ng tao. Na darating ang isang araw, na nasa iyo na ang lahat ng kailangan mo. At wala ka ng ibang hihilingin pa. Pero kahapon, nalaman ko, marami rin palang lungkot na nakatago sa mga ngiti ng mga taong akala ko perpekto. Maraming mga luha sa likod ng mga halakhak. Nalaman ko na kahit gaano ka man kagaling, gaano man kataas ang posisyon mo sa buhay, laging merong kulang. Hindi ko inaalis ang paghanga ko sa kanila at sa kanilang kakayahan, pero naintindihan ko, na katulad ko rin sila. Hindi perpekto. Napatunayan ko na hindi nasusukat sa laki ng bahay ang kaligayahan ng isang tao. Minsan, may kayamanan sa gitna ng kawalan at may kapayapaan sa gitna ng kaguluhan. Minsan, kaya ng tao na umiyak at tumawa ng sabay.
Nasaan kaya ako sampung taon mula ngayon? Saan kaya tutungo ang aking landas? Sana sa panahong iyon, may kakayahan pa akong magsulat. Sana, marami na akong natutunan sa buhay. Sana may puwang pa sa mga bagong kaalaman. Sana, kahit may kulang, meron akong akin. Sana may lungkot at may saya. Sana, kung nasa gitna man ako ng kawalan, basta may pagmamahal, at kapayapaan.

Sana sa isa pang araw ng Martes, merong ituro sa akin ang buhay.

version 1.01

2011-10-11T16:20:00.003+08:00

The only thing constant is change.

And so I took the constant force for change into effect.

After 4 years and 11 months with Engineering, I finally decided to shift my career to Human Resources.

Yup, you read that right, HR.

What made me do it?
Change.

What feared me most?
Change.

What pushed me through?
Change.

The aspect of change both excited and scared me out of my wits.
I put on my battle gear and head on for battle.

I have my mediocre writing and speaking skills as helm.
My charisma with people as pauldron.
My love for teaching as breastplate.
I donned my technical skills as scales.
I wore my strength as gauntlets.
I held my forced confidence to take on challenges as my shield.
And I forged my self-belief as spear.

I didnt fail to notice though, that I have no cuisse and greaves.
The things that could have helped me keep my head held high.

And this is what scares me, being incomplete.
If I'm going to be as honest as possible, I would tell you I wasn't prepared for this.
I wasn't built for this.

I spent 10 years consumed in mathematical problems, electronic circuits and designs.

Everything is based on things I can calculate, things I can draw, things that can be represented by logic gates.

I breathe in test analysis, resistor and capacitor readings, I troubleshoot hardware failures. I work alone. I fail alone. I succeed alone.

So what the hell am I thinking moving to HR?

I was thinking of all the things I like to do.
writing, teaching, reading.

I was thinking of all the things I can do.
knowledge sharing, leading, mentoring.

I was thinking of all the things I need to do.
learning, advancing, growing.

I was thinking of all the things I will do.
creating, developing, molding

And so you ask,

Am I overworked?
Yes.

Am I in a lot of pressure?
Yes.

Am I pushing myself to the limits?
Yes.

Am I happy?
Hell, yes.

So let's stop all these drama.

Worthless

2011-09-30T09:57:00.003+08:00

Worthless.
that is exactly how you made me feel.
this may sound harsh.
but this is me.
and this is my blog.
and i dont give a damn on how you feel about it.
you made it clear well enough last night.

everytime, before i sleep, i try to salvage as much self-worth i still have.
but after a long time, it still get to me.
im not worth anything.
i walk with other people and i belittle myself.
i see all the smiles and ask why i cant be worthy of even such a small gesture.
i go to work thinking i cant live up to everyone's expectations.
i will fail and will be the cause of shame.
i call my kids and they tell me how much ive been missing big chunks of their lives.
im not even worthy as a mother.
i call mama to seek comfort, and she would enumerate the numerous occasion that passed without me, not even remembering to call
i even fail as a daughter.
im not worth anything at all.

i try. everytime. i try to be worth something.
everytime i lose a piece of me.
i lose a piece of what i believe in.
one day, i might wake up and wouldnt even recognize me.

A Break in a Joyride

2011-06-16T13:40:00.004+08:00

I look at you.

I didn’t notice that all the while I was holding my breath. I am completely taken that I find it hard to concentrate on the road.

Not that I need to, you drive well.

I sense familiarity in your movements, as if you’ve been doing this all your life.
I guess you have, judging by the way your hand shape itself in the wheel.
Almost like a caress.

I held you with my eyes. It is almost impossible to tear them away from you.

You look at me and smile.

I love that smile. Your all-knowing smile.

I like the fact that you know I’ve been watching you.

I almost called your name out. Would have voiced out how I felt.

I failed to stop my gasp when you reached over to hold my hand.

I looked ahead now.

And for the first time, I noticed the sun in my face and the wind blowing my hair
The dirt covered road.
Our song in the radio.
The beating of your heart.
Your hand still holding mine.

I’m counting every minute. Trying to hold back time.
Because today we end this joyride.
But not now. Now is for feeling the warmth of your hand. And looking at the content of your smile.

Now I see “us”. Together.

Tomorrow we go back to finding reasons to wake up in the morning.

I’m not ready. Never was.
Coz in the end of this roadtrip, there’s no changing the truth.
I lost you along the way.

I reached over. As I always do.

But I find the seat cold, smooth and empty.

For in this journey, you are not mine. Not anymore.

This is inspired by a new friend i found. she may have lost someone in her journey, but i believe she will find the one for her along the way.

Maybe.. Someday..

2010-10-20T13:42:00.001+08:00

October 15, 2010
In my room

I remembered I cried during Leovina’s wedding. I saw her walking down the aisle and it undid me.

I was crying for so many reasons.

I was crying because she is my dear friend and I am very happy for her. She found her perfect other half and has finally, after all her stress in the wedding preparations, committed in spending the rest of her life with him.

I was crying because I never wanted anything else so badly in my life than walking that aisle too. I so wanted to get married. I was imagining myself in her shoes. Guided by the song I made exactly for my wedding. I imagine I would be crying too. Crying because of too much happiness and overflowing emotions. In tears but with a great big smile. Up front I’ll find my dada, wearing an equally big smile, waiting for me.

I was crying because I was and am so afraid that its not going to happen to me. I know my dada loves me in his own way. I know he still wants to be with me. But after all the pain I’ve caused him, after all his love I’ve lost, I don’t believe he still has enough love to marry me. I am so afraid that I may wait for so long yet he doesn’t have it in him anymore.

I was crying because I knew for a fact that my dada wanted to give me a big wedding. Because I do know how much he loved me then. And I know how much less he loves me now.

I was crying because I think my own wedding would only be a dream.

this is me speaking

2010-07-29T12:53:00.004+08:00

i am putting this up in my blog so the world will know...

i am a liar. and i'm good at it.

i'm probably lying right now and you wouldn't know the difference.

but i would. so who am i fooling?

exactly 12 hours before now, i actually believed lying is not that big deal.

right now i'm thinking how i could have lived with myself believing this.

last night i was on the verge of losing everything i have and everyone i love because of my lies.

and i was asked, is this what i'm going to teach my children? is this how i want them to grow up? i think i'd rather drown myself than walk up to them and tell them i lost everything for me and for them because i'm a liar. i will never be able to forgive myself.

i haven't had sleep for the last 32hours and i tell you, its not only in the 'judgement day' that you see your whole life flashed in front of you.

sometimes, it can happen lying awake at night thinking how stupid you are for making the same mistakes over and over again. and that you're not getting off this time. so you see how beautiful everything you have, the same everything you're about to lose. and it hurts like hell.

i am stupid. i am a liar and i am stupid.

i never saw it this way before. that honesty and trust goes together. and yeah, well, i thought the whole world revolves around me too. so i am a liar, i am stupid and i am a fool.

and i have never been so ashamed of myself.

i am not making promises here. i just want you to listen. i just want to let everyone know what i will try to do.

i am going to everyone i know i've lied to, even with the simplest of things, and i'm going to say i'm sorry. especially to those who i love the most. because you just don't hurt the ones you love. its easier said that done, i know. my instincts to protect myself will be there. but i learned the hard way that i lose more of myself by protecting it that way. and so i'm going to try. because i really really am sorry for what i did. for what i have become.

its not much. and it cant undo what had been done. i cant remove the pain i've caused and i cant actually prove myself for doing this. but i have to do something. i have start somewhere.

you know what, this morning, fate did its funny way of mocking me some more. i was asked to call for my daughter's assignment, when i did this was what she needed, write 2-3 sentences of how you could show honesty.

it took me quite a long hard time to grow up. i guess i finally did.

February 25, 2010

2010-02-25T09:45:00.001+08:00

Baby coh,

Alam mo bang nasa bus pa ako? Nag code yellow ang lrt at stranded ako.
Alam mo bang past 12 na ako nakatulog kagabi?
Alam mo ba na ayaw kong pumasok ngayon pero wala akong choice?
Baby, I'm so tired and I'm so sad.
Hindi ko maipaliwanag.
Gusto kitang makita, gusto kitang yakapin.
Gusto kong umiyak ng umiyak.
Gusto ko ng umuwi, yakapin ang mga anak ko.
Gusto kong puntahan si mama at makipagkwentuhan lang sa kanya.
Gusto kong makipagkulitan lang kila jean.
Gusto kong maligo sa dagat.
I've been feeling I'm missing all the significant parts of my life because of this work I don't even like.
I want to be home, taking care of you, watching the children grow.
I'm so sad baby I'm crying.
I'm so sad.

Bulong

2010-01-18T08:37:00.002+08:00

Mahal kita.
Sa napakaraming paraan
Sa hindi mabilang na dahilan
Mahal kita.

Mahal kita.
Katulad ng pagyakap ng sinag ng araw
sa bukang liwayway

Mahal kita
Kaparis ng katahimikang handog ng gabi sa tabing dagat,
sa ilalim ng liwanag ng buwan

Mahal kita
Kapantay ng liwanag ng talang bumubulusok
upang pagbigyan ang isang pangarap

Mahal kita
Kasabay ng pagpikit ng mga mata
at pagpasok sa isang mundong nalalapit sa paraiso

Mahal kita
Ang bawat ngiti. Ang bawat yakap.
Ang bawat halik.

Mahal kita
Sa bawat bulong. Sa bawat panaginip.
Sa bawat ihip ng hangin.
Mahal kita.

oh no!

2010-01-08T16:20:00.001+08:00

my birthday's coming.

i, mother

2010-01-08T13:15:00.004+08:00

my children spent the holidays with us last year.

considering the size of our room and my children's capability to bring about a complete mayhem, that two-week vacation was a disaster.

my laundry increased by 150%.
the clothes drawer was overflowing.
toys scattered everywhere.
leftovers all over the bed.

it was a mess.

i need to prepare two kinds of meal because my children are very pick.
i need to clean the room more than 4 times a day to be acceptable for comfort.
i need to shower 2 hard-headed (but cute, of course) children before bed time.
i need to read 3 stories before they close their eyes.

it was all a disorder.

my sleep was reduced to 4 hours a day.
my cross stitching time was zero.
my books to read piled up.

it was all exhausting.

but..

i get gazillion kisses everyday.
we get to stay up late and watch our favorite cartoons together.
we eat ice cream and make a mess of ourselves.
we go shopping together for new clothes.
i get embraces all through the night.
we make fun together.
we laugh out loud.
we run and play.
we joke around.

and we love.

it was the best holiday ever. i would not have had it any other way.

WANT.

2009-11-16T09:32:00.006+08:00

This blog is inspired by Ms. Tia, the girl who wrote the blog which never failed to tell me to never stop believing. Game on.

Life list of wants..

I want to write. Have my own book. Write children stories which i can tell my children before we go to sleep. So they would go dreaming happy dreams.

I want to have enough money to buy myself a house. in there we would build a home, dada, jam, lexi and me. it would have that wonderful kitchen i would dominate, cooking and baking and discovering ways of providing good food. (well, good for me, for sure.)

I want to go to a culinary school. so i could make that (please see above) good food. for everyone to enjoy. (or not.)

I want to learn how to make bonsai plants. it amazes me. and i want to be a part of something amazing.

I want to compose songs I would later hear in radio as the most requested.

I want to be a teacher. I want to tell the children that they can be whoever they want to be as long as they believe it. I want to inspire people. To tell them to be an inspiration to others as well.

I want to pursue my masters. I want to review, again, for the board exams and hopefully pass. (please. please. please.)

I want to be a good mother. i want to be the one my children will run to when they picked up a fight in school. i want to be the one they share their secrets with. i want to be their number one fan.

I want to retire from work early. when i could still fly around the world. 0r the Philippines at least.

I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren. and be that good mother all over again.

Yesterday

2009-11-16T08:54:00.004+08:00

I look at you,
and I see everything I missed because I let you go
and everything you would not have had if I didnt.

I look at you,
and see all that I've lost because i left
and all that you would if I didnt.

Anger

2009-08-03T16:10:00.003+08:00

i close my eyes
unable to understand
consumes me. blinds me.

i inhale deeply
caresses the pain
building up. in flames.

i resist closure
ignores the need for control
scattering. corrupt.

i yell silently
daring to listen
to surrender. in anger.

Today, I learned

2009-07-14T14:49:00.002+08:00

im totally broke.
im running in vapors.
im living off by borrowed money.
and somehow, suprisingly, im thankful.

there is so much that i dont have. i dont have savings.
no spare change. no loose cash.

and all the time i was much focused on these things,
trying to find ways to have those things that i dont.
i couldnt call it wishful thinking, it was too close to obsession.

and i noticed, in the passage of time, with these thoughts clouding
both my mind and my heart that i grew restless.
my emotions tend to get so heavy and i am almost always
on the verge of tears.

i began finding faults in people.
i started blaming others, including my family, for the kind of situation im in.
i found no peace.

one day, my daughter, in her most talkative state, was recalling her experience in school.
she told us that they were studying colors.
and her teacher asked her what's the color of the sky.
she could have answered a blue. we were all expecting that.
but this is what she said,

'minsan, kulay itim ang langit.'

the simplicity of her words, drowned me.
sometimes the children are better equipped to understand the simplicity of life.

the sky may be black sometimes, maybe much longer than we wanted it to.
but it doesnt mean the sky isnt blue.

i dont need to have everything.
i just needed to appreciate everything that i have.
when i started doing that, i realized i have much more than i could have bargained.
i have a family who loves me.
i have two beautiful children who keeps me smiling.
i have a husband who supports me always.
and i have my life.

today, i learned.