Wellness Within

Is it time?

2017-09-11T08:15:00.000-07:00

HI All

Wow it's been what feels like a life time since I last posted on here. Think it's time I revive this blog. Keep reading for an update on what's been going on and maybe I'll include some writing from a more personal perspective. That could prove quite interesting............

How can I go on after the breakup?

2011-07-22T02:35:00.000-07:00

After a breakup or divorce, thoughts like these may cross
your mind once-- or many, many times:

"I don't know how I will go on without her."

"How will I ever make it without him in my life?"

Especially if the breakup was not your idea, you may be
having a difficult time grappling with the prospect of
living life without the relationship that just ended.

Where you sit right now, it might seem nearly impossible
for you to go on without the man or woman you used to
(and maybe still do) love.

Even if you agree that ending the relationship is truly for
the best and even if breaking up has brought some relief,
you might also worry about how you will make it on your
own.

For some people, the idea of being alone is scary and makes
them feel vulnerable.

This might relate to caring for a house primarily by
yourself, becoming a single parent, providing financially
for yourself and children and it might also relate to eating
meals alone, going through special occasions or holidays
and sleeping by yourself at night.

No matter how much sense it might make that you and your
ex go your separate ways, adjusting to life without this
person, can appear to leave a big hole.

It is understandable that you might wonder how you will be
able to go on without your partner.

In order to heal from the breakup or divorce, it's important
for you address any beliefs you might have that you will not
be able to cope or manage without your ex.

At this moment in time, it might feel as if that is true.

The healing happens when you recognize those beliefs and
feelings AND you also begin to deliberately remind yourself
that you can create a new life for yourself-- one that may
even be happy and filled with love again.

Face up to the changes going on in your life.
Facing up to a new and unwanted reality can be painful. It
may be something you'd rather avoid or try to ignore.

But until you really look at where you are right here and
now, you will continue to live in the hurt and grief
associated with the past.

You might need to practice this.

Speak honestly about being single again to those you meet.
Think about yourself in terms of where you are now-- a
single (or about to be single) person who is going through a
transitional period in his or her life.

Try not to re-live the events of your breakup or even the
happier times with your ex as you speak and think about
where you are now. Of course, there will be times when it is
helpful for you to learn from the past and appreciate what
was good in that past-- but not right now.

When you face up to the changes going on in your life in
this way, over time, you can begin to see them as less scary
and out of your control.

You can start to look around at your life as it is right now
and see opportunities for healing and growth that you might
not have seen before.

Open up to the possible positive aspects of these changes.
The next step of this practice of looking at where you are
may not be easy for you, at first. Give it a chance and
return more than once to this challenge we are about to
invite you to.

We encourage you to look at where you are right now,
including the changes in your life because of your breakup
or divorce, and search for just one positive result of those
changes.

It might seem to be very small and insignificant.

You might recognize that now you can sleep in as late as you
want to on a Saturday morning.

You may realize that you can try out a new diet because
you are cooking for one now.

You might simply appreciate the fact that you can leave the
toilet seat up (or down) all of the time.

Perhaps you have discovered that you can pay your bills on
time with just your paycheck or that you can fix a leaky
faucet on your own.

The idea here is to demonstrate to yourself that even in the
middle of the pain and heartache, there are a few things
that are positive and desirable that are also occurring.

Remind yourself of what IS stable and what or whom you
CAN depend on right now.

As important as it is for you to face up to the changes that
are happening in your life, it is also helpful and
bolstering to remember that not everything is in flux.

There are most likely quite a few people who are there for
you. Make a list of all of the people in your life upon
whom you might rely in some way.

This may be something as minor as a neighbor who looks out
for your home when you're away for a weekend.

It could be a friend who is always ready with wise words
and a hug.

It might be that relative who has been the stable presence in
your life since you were young.

Know that these people are there for you-- if you call on
them. Be specific in your request for support. Be willing
to receive.

There are also undoubtedly situations in your life that are
not changing. Even if it's the bus route you ride to work
or the way that the flowers in your garden bloom and grow,
pay attention to those things that are constants around you.

Look to them when you feel vulnerable and out of control for
re-grounding.

As you face your current reality and look at where you are,
you will probably begin to see that there are some promising
things going on right here and right now. Knowing this will
help you feel better and better every day.

5 ways to help you get over your breakup pain faster‏

2011-07-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

We all talk to ourselves all of the time and this is what we calling
'self talk.' These thoughts come and go in our minds and they can
either help us go through life with relative ease or struggling at
every step of the way.

In our experience, this 'self talk' can either keep you stuck in the
past--mulling over what went wrong or what you should have done
differently--or stuck in the future--worrying about what might
happen at some point down the road.

Or 'self talk' can help you to stay in the present moment, dealing
practically with what's happening right now, and move powerfully and
positively into your future.

One of the best kept secrets is that you can change your thoughts.
Believe it or not, many people learn how to do it.

Here are 5 ways to change 'self talk' to help you ease your pain
from your breakup or divorce...

1. Become aware of what you are telling yourself.
Believe it or not, our thoughts are habits that we've created along
the way. For instance, there's the "guilt" set of thoughts, the
"worry" set of thoughts, the "fear" set of thoughts, the "I'm always
going to be alone" set of thoughts, the "nothing's wrong" set of
thoughts or the "sunny outlook" set of thoughts--you get the idea.

If you want to begin healing your pain, start paying attention to
your particular set of thoughts. You might even give them a name.
Maybe you've not had these thoughts until your breakup or maybe
they've been with you for a long time. Whichever is the case, just
begin noticing what thoughts roll through your mind.

2. Once you have become aware of your thoughts, decide the thoughts
that make you feel better, easier about your situation and those
that don't. Take a legal pad or notebook and at the top of the page,
make 2 columns with these headings: "Feel better" and "Feel Worse."

Keep the legal pad or notebook where you can easily reach it. As
thoughts come to you, write them down under one of those two
categories. Do this long enough for you to see on paper, your
patterns of thinking that are either helping you or pulling you
down.

3. Identify one reoccurring thought or pattern that is bringing you
pain and make the commitment to yourself to change it. Write your
commitment down and post it where you'll see it often.

It could go something like this...

"I commit to changing my thoughts about how alone I am right now.
I may not be with a partner right now but I don't have to constantly
remind myself."

4. Chose a thought that is better.
Taking our example, this thought is probably not going to be that
you are completely joyful, are with your perfect partner, or feel
completely satisfied with your current situation. It may be that
a better thought is that when a thought comes up about how alone
you are, you change that thought to "I can call my friend ______ and
either talk with them or arrange to go to dinner or a movie."

5. Practice in each moment and break your habit.
Have you ever broken a habit? It takes being aware of what you are
doing and then making a change in the moment. Your thought pattern
is a habit and can be changed--but you have to believe the thought
that you are changing to--and you have to practice it.

If feeling better is important to you, this is valuable information
that will help you to move forward in your healing process from
your breakup or divorce.

Afraid you're never going to get over this feeling after your break-up?‏

2011-07-15T00:36:00.000-07:00

If you've ever felt like you're never going to get over this
feeling after your breakup

You might feel like the sadness, anger and other intense
emotions are here to stay.

It can even seem like little else is going on in your life
but your broken heart pain.

We're here to tell you that your can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again.

It all starts with a choice and a shift.

Make the choice to heal.

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often make huge
strides toward that goal.

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting.

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best.

It is understandable that you might feel this way.

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal.

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal.

For example, you might write something as simple as:
"I am ready to feel better."

Tuck the paper in your pocket so that you "feel" it often
during the day--or put it in your desk drawer where you
read it whenever you reach for your pen.

Make a shift.

If you're ready to take another small step toward healing,
make a shift.

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs.

Let's face it.

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life.

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you.

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing.

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do.

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________
to be absolutely true?"

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you.

Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life.

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life.

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately.

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup?

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see.

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon.

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup.

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now.

Depressed after your breakup? Here's some good advice...

2011-07-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

When you watch television or read a magazine, it's hard to
miss the many ads for prescription medications used to treat
depression.

As you hear the symptoms of depression listed on air or the
magazine page, you might begin to wonder if your broken
heart pain has turned into full-blown clinical depression.

This is a valid concern. If you are depressed, it is
important that you obtain the help you need to move through
this difficult time.

However, rushing to your doctor to get a prescription for
depression medication does not necessarily have to be your
next step.

We don't want you to take risks with your mental health and
we are not trained to diagnose depression or any other
medical condition.

We do want to share with you some information that can help
you find greater ease and that you can use to make the best
decisions about your present and your future.

How can I tell the difference between sadness and
depression?
In actuality, the symptoms for sadness-- which might result
after a breakup or divorce-- and clinical depression are
quite similar.

It is understandable that many people hurry to their phones
to call their doctors after reading or watching an ad for
depression medication. At one time or another, a lot of us
feel a few (or all) of these symptoms.

They are:
lack of appetite
little or no energy
trouble sleeping
mood swings
difficulty concentrating
no will to live*

All of these might be experienced by someone who is
grappling with a significant life change after a breakup or
divorce.

The upheaval involved brings up sadness and grief for many.
This sadness and grief might throw off a person's sleep,
mood, eating and other normal habits.

But when symptoms like these persist and they are
accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and despondency that
do not improve when conditions of life improve, it might be
time to seek help from a trained professional.

Another major difference between depression and sadness or
grief is that those who are depressed will consistently feel
overwhelmed and have difficulty coping with the everyday
activities and responsibilities of life for a prolonged
period of time.

As you face major decisions after your breakup or divorce,
life might feel overwhelming a lot of the time. Coping with
all of this may feel difficult too.

If so, ask yourself questions like these...
Are you able to emerge-- for a little while-- from feeling
overwhelmed and sad when you are with friends who make you
laugh? What about when you cuddle or stroke your pet? Do
you feel somewhat better when you hear a favorite song on
the radio?

All of these indicate that it's highly likely you can and
will feel better. Whether you are dealing with broken heart
emotional pain or clinical depression, you can feel better
again.

It is helpful to identify what is going on for you-- whether
this is sadness and grief or if it's depression-- so that
you can know what kind of support is best for you.

How do I find the right kind of support for me?

If you are concerned that you are depressed, please seek the
help of a qualified professional. There are a variety of
treatments for clinical depression-- some involve
prescription medications and many others do not.

If you feel suicidal, please contact a help line or call a
professional mental health provider immediately.*

Here are a few other ideas to try also...

Diet-- Eat more whole foods and fewer sweets. Stay away from
alcohol and caffeine. Even though you're drawn to eating
chocolate or having another drink because you feel so bad--
don't.

Vitamins and Supplements-- Vitamin B6, Omega-3 fatty acids,
folic acid and St. Johns Wort can help improve your mood.

Exercise-- When you incorporate even a regular brisk walk
into your daily routine, you will benefit from the
endorphins and other positive effects of regularly moving
your body.

Friends and Family-- Be choosy about whom you spend time
with right now. Deliberately hang out with those that are
caring and uplifting more of the time.

Music/Art/Creativity-- Listen to music that lifts your
spirits, especially when you feel stuck in sadness. Pick up
a paint brush or sketch pad and tap into your artistic side.
Allow your creativity to be a vehicle for processing the
many emotions you might be having.

If you find you want to listen to the music that takes you
back to wonderful memories of your ex--stop yourself
from sliding into that hole and listen to something else.

Coach or Counselor-- Find a coach or counselor who is a good
fit for you. There are many approaches to healing and
working through emotional difficulties.

Follow link for incredible deals

2011-07-05T06:44:00.000-07:00

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One way to support yourself as you go through your break-up...‏

2011-06-27T01:48:00.000-07:00

Open Up to Support As You Go Through Your Break-Up

There are support groups for just about everything these
days. You can find these groups on the internet and at your
church or community center.

Support groups for those who are going through divorce or a
breakup are certainly available.

The potential challenge with such groups is that they don't
always provide the kind of support that you might truly need
in order to heal your broken heart.

Don't get us wrong. We are not advising you to steer clear
of support groups.

What we do encourage you to do is to become clear about what
specific kind of support you want and then make sure that
the group or resource will provide that.

"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift
you higher," talk show host, philanthropist and all-around
dynamic woman Oprah Winfrey offered this advice.

We couldn't agree more!

As you turn more and more toward healing your broken heart
and the future that you'd like for yourself, become aware of
the people and other influences that you're surrounding
yourself with.

Too often, people who feel broken hearted gravitate toward
what is essentially company for their misery. After all,
who doesn't appreciate someone who is going through
something similar to what he or she is going through?

That chat group for women who have been cheated on might
give you the exact support that you want...and it might not.

While it can certainly be helpful to talk with and
potentially learn from those who have gone through (or are
going through) the same kind of experience as you are, it
can also keep you stuck.

And, when you spend the bulk of your time with people who
are miserable like you are and who have no idea how they
will ever feel happy (or even close to it) again, you simply
aren't receiving support.

Don't confuse company for your misery with support.

What is support anyway?

Think about a bridge. Its structure of beams and cables
allows cars and bicycles to travel safely over rivers, lakes
and mountainous terrain.

You might think of a support as some thing or some person
that helps you to pass through difficulties. You are
bolstered by this resource and encouraged toward the future
you desire, not kept trapped in the pain and upset of the
past.

You might not always be happy or comfortable with what a
source of support has to say. For example, a close friend
or family member might point out to you the hazards of
checking up on your ex via Facebook or another social
networking sites.

This might not be what you want to hear...but it could help
you make a shift toward further healing.

Take some time and write down the specific forms of support
that you feel like you need now.

Your list might include the following: be available to take
a phone call when you feel sad or depressed, hang out
socially with you, be a shoulder for you to cry on, help you
make financial decisions, be willing to shop or do home
improvement projects with you or assist with childcare
occasionally or on a regular basis.

Now when someone close to you offers help, you can suggest
some ways he or she might do that.

Who (and what) are the sources of support in your life?

Your support team could be a collection of friends, family,
acquaintances, books, movies, television shows, music and
even physical surroundings.

The goal here is to do whatever you can to make sure that
the support team you gather for yourself is one which will
actually give you the support that you need right now. (You
can refer to that list you made.)

Take a look at who you're hanging out with.

Do the activities you do with these people and the
conversations that you have together seem to be serving
you in your healing process?

If they aren't, you might want to hang out more of the time
with other people. We aren't suggesting that you have to
rid your friend list of everyone who isn't "positive" or
"happy."

Be deliberate about with whom you are choosing to spend
your time, what you are doing and what you are talking about.

Be aware of what you are reading, watching and listening to
as well.

2011-06-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

Will your heart ever heal from your break up?‏

2011-06-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

We're here to tell you that you can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again.

It all starts with a choice and a shift.

We know that sounds like we're minimizing your pain but
believe us when we say that that's not the case.

We know how painful a break up can be and we also
know that it doesn't feel like a choice--but if you will
bear with us, we'll explain.

Make the choice to heal.

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often start feeling
better quicker than you thought possible.

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting.

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best--and your partner may have moved on
anyway.

It is understandable that you might feel this way.

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal.

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal.

For example, you might write:
"I am ready to feel better and once again turn toward
happiness."

Make a shift.

Congratulations on making the decision to heal your broken
heart. (*If you still can't make such a choice, be patient
with yourself and keep reading this.)

In order to put your healing into full motion, it's time to
make a shift.

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

**One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs.

Let's face it.

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life.

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you.

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing.

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do.

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________
to be absolutely true?"

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you.

**Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life.

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life.

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately.

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup?

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see.

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon.

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup.

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now.

A celebration of passion, spark, and connection can stay alive and grow deeper through years of being together

2011-06-21T01:49:00.000-07:00

The spark doesn't have to die whether
you've been together 5 minutes or 50
years.

Here are a few ideas we've learned along
the way that help us stay deeply connected...

1. Find ways to focus on what you like about
your partner instead of what you don't like.

You know the saying, "You get what you
focus on in life"?

Well it's certainly true when it comes to
your relationship.

Finding the "juice" and milking it for all it's
worth (while not ignoring something that's
so in your face that you need to take some
action) is what it's about.

*You can focus on a part of your partner's
body that you absolutely love.

*You can focus on ways your partner loves
you instead of ways he/she doesn't.

*You can focus on being present with what
you're enjoying in the moment with your
partner instead of what happened in the
past or fears of what could happen in the
future.

2. Practice coming toward one another.

We were at a gathering with friends this
past weekend and during the evening, the
two of us briefly danced together.

One of our friends remarked that he really
enjoyed seeing the way the two of us looked
in each other's eyes and how the love poured
out--as we were dancing.

We make a practice of connecting even in
large groups of people and it can be something
simple like making eye contact from across
the room, a touch on the arm as we pass
each other or an embrace as we dance
together.

Believe us when we say that it can make all
the difference in the world in your relationship!

This practice of coming toward one another--
whether the two of you are at home alone, your
kids are in the house with you or you're with
other people--is an intimate moment that you're
telling each other how much your relationship
means to you.

It's a way to celebrate your love, every day
instead of just on special occasions.

3. Learn how to stay open to listening and
speaking your truth--even when it's uncomfortable
to do it.

Many of peopl have told us that
communication is your biggest challenge--and
we certainly know that can be true because
we've experienced our own challenges with it.

But we've also learned a few things about staying
open to each other when we disagree and want
to close down our hearts to one another.

4 Steps to Healing From a Breakup or Divorce.

2011-06-14T23:48:00.000-07:00

We know that you're probably in a lot of pain right now because

of your break-up and you may wonder if you'll ever feel "normal"

again.

We're here to tell you that even though you may think your pain

will never end, if you take some simple steps, you will start to

feel some relief.

Read how one woman healed after her break-up...

Christine

As Christine told us, many steps can be of value as you heal
after a break-up or divorce.

If we could boil our experiences both personally and

professionally in helping others heal from break-ups or

divorces, there are four big steps that can help most people

start to feel better.

If you're in pain right now, we invite you to experiment

with these suggestions...

1. Acknowledge your pain.

Acknowledging your pain while not drowning in it is your first step
to healing your broken heart. Give yourself permission to grieve the
loss of the relationship, even if you were the one who left, and
also give yourself permission to reach out to people who uplift you.

2. Accept the reality of your situation.

Don't see your situation worse than or better than it was. When
there is a relationship breakup or divorce, you might be living with
a lot of what ifs and wishing that it was different or the way it
used to be.

You might be seeing yourself as a victim or feeling very guilty.
Bringing yourself into the reality of the present moment without
making up untrue stories about your situation is one of the biggest
things you can do.

3. Realize what you learned by being in this relationship.

There are always gifts that come with any relationship. It might be
some realization that you learned about yourself, what you want, or
what you don't want in your life. How did this relationship make you
stronger or even a better person?

Be angry if you need to but allow it to pass through your body

without hanging onto it. Go outside and take a walk if you need

to shift your attention to something other than how you've been

hurt.

4. Take time to discover who you are now that you are no longer in
that relationship and what you want for your future.

What interests do you have that you have ignored for a long time?
What things have you not done for yourself that you would like to do
again? How can you love yourself? Getting to know you and what you
want for your future is vital to your getting over a breakup or
divorce.

Even though everyone's healing journey is different, we've discovered
that these four steps are at the very foundation of getting over a
breakup or divorce and moving on with your life.

4 Ways To Deal With Upsets, Anger and Anything Else

2011-06-14T04:49:00.000-07:00

We've all experienced this at one time or another. Something happens, and we completely overreact.

We get upset, defensive and irritable and we don't
even want to (or can't) listen to what our partner is
saying.
Even though we just want to make him or her hear
and understand how we feel, we come off as
demanding and angry.
The last thing we want to do in that moment is to
understand where our partner is coming from, or
what he or she is going through.
Our partner has pushed a button and our automatic
response goes something like this...
"You hurt my feelings, it's not right and I'm going
to let you have it!"
We all do this but unfortunately when this happens
it never brings the two of you closer.
In fact, it brings more tension, stress and a lot of
unresolved conflict.
Here's a "button-pushing" scenario from our own
lives and what we did about it...

Several years ago, we'd get into conflict when
Otto had a particularly "uppity, sarcastic, superior"
(Susie's words) tone in his voice when he talked
to her on occasion.

Susie's anger button would be pushed big time and
of course, she had her own way of pushing
Otto's anger button.

Instead of expressing her anger in a healthy way,
she would come back with some sarcastic remark
that didn't have anything to do with what he was
saying.

His tone of voice said to her...(in her mind)

"I don't respect you"
"You are stupid"
"You just don't get this"

And any connection would be all over between
the two of us.

You can guess that after Susie came back with
a sarcastic, superior remark, Otto would really
get angry.

And so it went until we figured out how to stop
pushing each other's buttons in this way.

Does any of this sound even a little bit familiar
to you?

We're betting that even though you may not
have this particular way of pushing each other's
buttons, you have ways that are equally deadly
to your relationship. Maybe it's not the tone of voice you use with
each other but it might be what's NOT said
and what you imagine is happening.

Maybe it's that almost everything you say to
one another ends up being fodder for a fight.
Maybe it's that you've grown apart and you
desperately want to do something to bring
the two of you back together but everything
you try turns out wrong--and you're growing
further apart.

But...
Here's the thing about triggers...
No matter what triggers you and what triggers
your partner, you can change how you relate
to one another and how you deal with the
conflict so that it is no longer a big problem
for you in your relationship.
So, what did we do about this particular "button-
pushing" dynamic?
Susie learned to stop herself from putting a
particular meaning (her story about what
Otto's tone of voice meant) on what he was
saying--and listen instead to his words.
Here are the steps she used and you can
use also when you're triggered about
something your partner says or does...
1. Notice that you've been triggered and
acknowledge it to yourself that you've been
grabbed by something.
2. Notice what story you're telling yourself
at that moment. In Susie's case, it was
"Otto thinks I'm stupid and he doesn't
respect me."
The truth is that she didn't know what
he was thinking in that moment or what his
particular tone of voice meant.
(It might have meant that he was frustrated
and not with Susie--which was usually what it
turned out to be.)
3. Stop yourself from reacting in your old,
familiar way. If you say something back that's
sarcastic or you completely withdraw and
close down from your partner, notice that
that's what you want to do but DON'T DO
IT.
We know that it takes a lot of courage to
stop doing what's become automatic--but
know that with a little practice you can do
it.
4. Change your story and listen to your
partner.
Susie's new story is that Otto's may not
be angry with her and she'll just listen to
what he has to say.
You can change your story by just looking
at whatever else could be just as true in
this situation and telling yourself that story.
Otto used a similar process as well.

These steps are how we started unraveling
our particular "button-pushing" dance that
could have left a lot of unresolved conflict
between us.
And this unresolved conflict could have
destroyed the closeness, connection and
passion that we so love about our relationship.

3 Keys To Stopping the Pain of a Broken Heart‏

2011-06-08T23:18:00.000-07:00

It doesn't matter whether you were the one who left or you were the
one who was left--there is usually a mixture of emotions that come
up. There could be regret, sadness, resentment, relief, loss, grief
and a mixture of all of those.

Whatever you are feeling right now, we know that at the very bottom
it,there is probably some kind of pain.

It can show up differently as emotional pain or physical pain--or a
mixture of both.

When one woman we know experienced a divorce, she actually had
physical pain in her heart. She was so grief-stricken that she
thought she was having a heart attack. In an extreme case such as
this, you need to be checked out by a physician--but the point is
that there is very real pain after a breakup or divorce.

So the question is...

How do you stop the pain?

The funny thing about pain is that it is usually pointing to
something that you need to heal or look at in your life. Now you
may be telling us that it's pretty obvious what you need to heal--
the loss of your relationship or to get your relationship back--but
maybe it isn't as obvious as that.

So the first thing that we would suggest if you are in pain from
a breakup or divorce is ...

1. Acknowledge that you are in pain
Acknowledge "what is" right now. Right now, you may be experiencing
the extremes of either getting busy "doing" so that all of your
time is filled up and you can't think or you are so overcome with
emotion that you aren't functioning very well in your job or your
personal life.

As you've probably discovered, neither of these ways is very
helpful or healthy for you to deal with the pain.

If you cover the pain up with lots of "doing," whether it's exercise
or working long hours, the pain always comes out and hits you in
the face at some point. Maybe you can't sleep and take sleeping
pills because your thoughts and emotions are overwhelming. Whatever
happens, the pain always catches up to you.

If you find that you are completely incapacitated by your pain and
all you want to do is stay in bed, that's probably not working
either. You may be missing work, staying away from your friends and
hibernating. You life may seem that it's on hold and you can't move
further. Being overwhelmed with pain is not dealing with it either.

The choice you can make, whether you are incapacitated by your pain
or are burying it, is to really look at it and not try to run
away from it.

2. Discover what your pain is telling you.
Now this may seem a little weird to you but as we said before, pain
is always telling us something and our job is to listen.

Here's one way to listen to what your pain is saying...

Find a quiet spot, sit quietly with yourself, close your eyes and no
distractions like television or the internet.

Take a few moments to quiet yourself by breathing deeply into your
belly region. If thoughts come in, bring your attention back to
your breathing.

When you are calmer, move your attention to your heart (or any other
place in your body that has pain) and breathe into that spot. Don't
try to judge or put meaning to your pain right now.

Just allow yourself to fully pay attention to the area of your body
that the pain is causing you distress. Remember no judgments, no
self-talk about your situation.

Just be totally present with what is.

3. Practice this exercise whenever you feel overwhelmed or if you
feel compelled to bury yourself in some activity.

At first, it may seem unusual to do this but the more you practice,
believe it or not, the more you learn about yourself and your pain--
and the best ways to heal it and move forward.

Get quiet and listen. Even if you are in a busy office, go to the
restroom, sit in the stall and breathe.

Do it and keep doing it. If you do this consistently, we're sure
that you will feel dramatically better and better

5 signs he isn't over his ex

2011-06-07T01:16:00.000-07:00

When you are in a new relationship, it’s natural to wonder about the ex. Does he think about her? If so, how much and is he really over her? These are questions that plague many women.

Perhaps you’d like to know whether or not the ex is still on his mind. There are signs you can look for, that may tell you whether or not he is really over that relationship. Below are a few that will help you in your quest to find out.

He talks about her frequently

This usually means one of two things. Either he is not over her or he isn’t over something that happened between them. Pay attention to how he talks about her. If he does so lovingly, this may be cause for concern. If, on the other hand, her name often comes up when the two of you are talking about a particular issue or situation, chances are he isn’t over what ended the relationship.

If he speaks of her with anger or derision, be wary. The opposite of love is apathy, not hate. If his ex or something she did is still bothering him, he is clearly not over it.

He is still in communication with her

Sometimes it is possible to remain friends with an ex without it being awkward or lines getting blurred. This usually occurs either when the two of them have known one another for a very long time and were friends to begin with, or when the relationship they had was more of a friendship than a romantic endeavour.

Most couples that break up don’t remain friends, so this further communication could most definitely signify a lingering attachment.

He still sees her – and lies to you about it

A huge red flag is if you find out that he is still in contact with or sees her – but doesn't tell you about it. If he is keeping this from you, he obviously feels guilty about it and that is not a good sign.

He accidentally called you by her name

This is a definite sign he was, at the very least thinking of her. It could also mean he is still in contact with her as well. If it happens once, you may be able to blow it off, provided it doesn’t occur in the middle of a romantic situation, but if it occurs more frequently than that, this may pose a problem.

He keeps items that remind him of his ex

While it is common to keep a few things given to you by the ex, holding onto every gift ever given, photographs and text messages could signify an attachment. If he is unwilling to part with things she gave him, you should discuss it to find out why. Also, one or two items may be okay, but several could mean trouble.

The signs listed above could indicate he’s still not over her. Pay attention and approach it with an open mind. Do not make assumptions just because you suspect a few of these signs are present. Instead, take the time to examine all the options.

Your gut instinct will tell you whether or not a real issue is at hand – and in this case the best way to deal with it is to discuss with him honestly, and without being accusing, why you find it hurtful or disrespectful that she’s still a big part of his life.

Why People Fail To Create The Red Hot Relationship They Want...‏ FREE e-course - DAY 2

2011-06-06T23:36:00.000-07:00

Perhaps one of the biggest reasons people fail in creating and
keeping a red hot love relationship is that they quit having fun
together.

As love relationships mature, one of the first things to go by the
wayside is having fun together. The two people usually settle for
watching television or surfing the internet, often by themselves.
They just quit doing the things that used to be fun for them and
they don't even open themselves to new ways to have fun together.

Whether you used to have fun bowling, walking in the woods
together, eating out without the kids, bike-riding, dancing,
watching a funny movie together or any other activity that was fun
for the two of you--if you want a red hot love relationship, start
doing some of those things again.

In order to keep your connection strong, you have to find ways that
bring you joy that you can do as a couple. We're certainly not
saying that you have to do everything as a couple. We are saying
that couples who fail to keep their relationship alive, growing and
yes, hot, usually have quit finding ways to have fun together.

Red Hot Love Relationships - DAY 1...FREE E-course

2011-06-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

If we could sum up how to create a red hot love relationship in 3
Steps here's what they would be...

Step 1: Be open to the possibility that you can create what you
want

Before the two of us came together, independent of each other, we
began to take on the belief that it was possible to have
friendship, passion, love and connection-all in one relationship.
Even though both of us had just ended our previous relationships,
we took on the belief that we could have what we wanted, even
before we began our relationship.

Step 2: Be open to trying some new things and possibly making some
changes in your life and in your relationship that will move you
closer to what you want.

It's certainly a fact that if you keep doing the same things you've
been doing, you will get the same results. You have to be open to
experimenting with some new ideas, maybe going out on a limb a
little bit and trying some things that you never thought you'd be
up for trying.

Step 3: Make the commitment to keep your open heart toward your
partner more of the time.

It's so easy to get triggered by even small things and allow
yourself to close your heart to your partner. If you want a red hot
relationship, you have to keep your heart open-or at least commit
to regaining your connection as quickly as possible. If you don't,
you are simply repeating old patterns of the past that have kept
you up until now from having what you want.

Ideas about how to keep your relationship passionate, alive and growing over the years...

2011-06-03T00:53:00.000-07:00

Here are a few ideas about how to keep your
relationship passionate, alive and growing over
the years...

1. Make small changes and look for what happens
for the better.

Try one suggestion--make one small change in the
way you interact with your partner-- and look for one
small thing that is better.

It might be that you've gotten into a habit of putting
your partner down--maybe in fun--but it's no longer
funny to him or her, if it ever was.

One small change might be to stop when you feel
the urge to make fun of your partner and instead
don't say anything or give him or her a compliment.

Maybe your partner puts you down and it's meant
as a joke but you don't think it's funny.

One small change might be to tell him or her how
it feels to you.

"It may not have been your intention to hurt me but when
you said _________, I felt embarrassed (or whatever you
felt)"

2. Remember to focus on what's going right.

We know that in our relationship, when we focus on what's
going right instead of what's wrong, we feel closer to one
another and more connected.

Now of course there are certainly times when you need
to focus on what's wrong--if there truly is something going
on that is against your values or your agreements with
one another.

But don't let resentment build without dealing with it and
getting some resolution.

Then when you have resolution, don't hang onto the hurt
in the past. Bring yourself into the present and focus on
what's right in the present moment.

That's how passion, connection and trust are rebuilt and
stay strong--one moment at a time and in the present
moment.

The question is...

Are you living together or dying together?

Are you growing together or growing apart more of the time?

Are you moving forward together or backwards separately?

New FREE Mini e -course to begin on MONDAY 6th June

2011-06-02T05:30:00.000-07:00

Hi Faithful Followers

This is just brief message to inform everyone that my NEW mini e-course regarding creating more love, passion, connection and a "Red Hot Love Relationship." will commence on monday the 6th June. The last FREE mini course i did had a great response. This time around the course will run for 5 days so sign up for free emails right into your inbox to ensure that you don't miss out.

Thanks
Nicolette

The 3 Minute Break-Up Pain Stopping Technique

2011-06-02T05:20:00.000-07:00

Here's a very simple technique that takes 3 minutes that you can practice anytime you start to feel overwhelmed by your fearful, angry feelings and negative thoughts.

Use this technique when your negative thoughts and feelings are keeping you from functioning in your daily life and you want to shift them to more empowering ones. Negative thoughts and feelings can become a habit but they can also be changed.

SIT--Sit in a quiet place. (The bathroom will do).

SETTLE--Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, bringing your breath into your feet so that you feel grounded and connected to the earth. Feel yourself slowing down and your breathing deepen. (Maybe 30 seconds)

AWARENESS--Come into awareness of your negative thoughts in this moment. (What exactly are you thinking? Example: "I’m thinking that I'm a real loser when it comes to relationships.")

ASK—Ask yourself if you know your negative thoughts to be true—absolutely true. Can you find evidence to the contrary? Chances are you can find somewhere in your life where your thoughts cannot be substantiated.

ALLOW—Bring your attention to your heart or gut area and feel the sensations in your body. (What are you feeling in your body? Is there tightness, a big knot, emptiness, heaviness?) Allow your sensations to be there without judging them and breathe into that area of the body. (If you feel heavy in your heart area, breathe into that heaviness until the sensation softens. If you felt a knot in your gut area, breathe into that knot until it starts to loosen.)

REPLACE—Replace the limiting, self-defeating “movie” running in your head to one that is more in alignment with what you want in your life—because the reality is that both outcomes are possible. Run this new movie whenever you feel your negative thoughts coming up in the future. (If you know that your negative thoughts aren’t true but you see yourself alone forever and in pain, replace that "movie" with one that could happen that you'd like much better. See yourself taking your next step in an empowered way instead of the damaging cycle you find yourself in.)

Practice this as many times a day that you need. Keep a copy of it with your phone in case you are tempted to call your ex. Put a copy in your car to remind you to stop yourself before you drive by his or her new living situation.

You Can Be In Love for Life

2011-05-26T00:35:00.000-07:00

It has always been the fantasy. To meet the man or woman of your dreams and to live blissfully together until death do you part. Problem is that half of all marriages end in divorce. And yes, I know that according to some, this particular statistic isn't all that accurate, but the truth is that breaking up is, at best, a painful process, and most of us have had more experience with it than we care to remember.

It has been known for a very long time that those in healthy marriages or long-term relationships have lower mortality rates and better immune systems, and now scientists are attributing lower stress levels to those fortunate enough to be in loving committed relationships. So who wouldn't want love with benefits like a longer life and soul-warming affection?

Well, once you've had a bad relationship, no matter how it ended, getting back in the saddle can be as daunting as auditioning for American Idol. But you can't win if you don't play, and going about finding a mate half-heartedly will only get you half a love. Should you decide to jump in again, here's some great news.

According to an article on Match.com, a postdoctoral researcher at U.C. Santa Barbara, Bianca Acevedo, discovered through the use of surveys and brain scans that even after 20 years of togetherness, about 30 percent of married couples stay "in love." Another survey said that 18 percent of couples were still "very intensely in love" after 10 years or more.

This blows away the previous studies that say most people only stay in love for six months to three years, long enough to bear a child. I never really bought into that one. Even after a very difficult time, couples who work at it can put the love back into their relationships. To some, it comes as easily as realizing that they have become distant from their partners and making the decision to change it. Just remember that making this happen takes both effort and desire.

For love to work, you have to believe in it. I know many couples on second and third marriages who say they are happier than they have ever been. Don't think that a false start or two makes you damaged goods. The truth is that you must have learned something, and chances are you won't make the same mistake again.

Being in love for life doesn't mean that you will stay with your high-school sweetheart. It means that at any time you can make the choice to change your situation and make your life one of love and support. No, you won't always be right and your mate won't laugh at all your jokes, but if you work to create true love, you will have something more precious than jewels. Ask anyone who has lost the love of their life: what they would trade to have that person back? If yours is still here, make it happen. If not, go find one. Life is too short to stand on the sidelines.

Do's and Don'ts When Communicating with Your Workaholic Partner

2011-05-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

Ellen's husband is a workaholic. Before their relationship became serious, she often admired how goal-oriented and driven he was. As their commitment to one another grew stronger and they eventually married, what Ellen previously saw as a character strength turned into something annoying and hurtful.

After almost two decades of marriage, Ellen has grown used to being very flexible. Changing plans at the last minute and making apologies to others for her husband's absence has become commonplace. She appreciates the abundant salary that her husband brings in and she is happy that he enjoys his work.

Ellen only wishes that her husband was as intense and focused on their marriage as he is on his career. She feels lonely and resentful more often than she likes to admit.

In these days where businesses are trying to do more with less, putting in extra time at work happens a lot. Couples find themselves planning date nights and time together far in advance just because their schedules-- both work and family responsibilities-- have become so full.

Some people take putting in that extra effort at the office to a compulsive level. These people are workaholics. There are certainly varying degrees of workaholic behavior and some really need the help of a professional counselor or therapist.

In general, a workaholic is defined as someone who has an "unrelenting" and "compulsive" desire to work.

If your partner seems to you to be a workaholic, you may already have experienced tension in your relationship when you have tried to talk with him or her about this. Perhaps you've used different tactics and brought up the subject of your mate's work habits in less direct ways.

But, still you encountered defensiveness and maybe even hostility from your partner.

The way that you communicate what you want and what you'd like to change about your love relationship or marriage is crucial. You can essentially say the same thing but have drastically different results depending on how you say it.

Remember these Dos and Don'ts as you talk with your workaholic mate...

Do be honest.
The time for claiming to be "fine" when you really aren't is over. As much as you don't want to make your partner angry, you lying about how you truly feel when he or she cancels your date (for the umpteenth time) is not going to help your relationship.

Being honest doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to pick a fight with your partner or that you're going to try to guilt trip or manipulate him or her either. It's about being real and authentic about this situation and your experience of it.

Don't assume that you know why your partner is a workaholic.
You might have a good idea about why your mate seems to compulsively work. Maybe he or she has a low self esteem or had a traumatic childhood and you believe that there is a link between the workaholic tendencies and these things.

You might be accurate and you might not be.

If you are interested in why your partner works as incessantly as he or she does, find ways to ask. When you two are alone and talking, you might ask your mate something like this: "Please help me understand why you work as many hours as you do...." or "I want to understand why you work so much..."

Whatever you choose to say, make sure that you truly do want to better understand. Really listen to what your partner says in response.

Do focus on how you feel and what you want.
Again, being honest is really important. You might not be able to force your partner to stop working so many hours or to keep your dates, but you can let him or her know that you have feelings and preferences too.

Keep your words focused on how YOU feel. Instead of saying something like, "You don't want to be with me," try "I feel sad and lonely when we don't have regular connecting time every day."

Resist the urge to assume that you know how your partner feels or what motivates him or her to work so much. Instead, be clear about how you feel and make requests to help bring some positive changes.

Do be flexible AND honor your boundaries.
It is important to be flexible in a relationship because there are often times when negotiation and patience are required. At the same time, it's essential that you honor your boundaries and needs.

You might not have a choice when your mate calls to tell you that he or she will be working late even though you two have tickets to a concert that night. If your partner has made the decision to stay late and work instead of go to the concert, you have the power to be honest about your feelings AND you can decide what you will do.

Maybe you'll decide to invite a friend to go with you to the concert instead. Perhaps there's a way to switch the tickets to a different night.

Give yourself the space to be flexible when it feels okay to you to do so and also to honor your boundaries and make the choice to do what you want to do given the situation you're in.

Don't issue an ultimatum-- unless you are willing to follow through.
It can be tempting to issue an ultimatum to your workaholic partner. It can be frustrating and upsetting when you're honest about how you feel and try to set boundaries or create agreements and nothing seems to bring the change you want.

The only time that ultimatums are effective are when you are 100% willing to follow through with your threat. If you set before your partner the choice of his or her work OR you, it's possible that your partner will choose work.

You might be ready to make the choice to end the relationship is significant changes don't happen-- there's nothing wrong with this. Just be sure that you are making the decision about what's best for you in the long-term and the short-term in advance of communicating.

Can You Truly "Be Friends" With Your Ex?

2011-05-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

When a couple ends their love relationship or marriage, in the majority of cases, both people want it to be an amicable break up. Quite often, the two will promise to be "friends" as they make the transition to single life.

We're completely in support of there being as much respect and kindness as possible during and after a relationship break up. However, many times the desire to stay friends and maintain a strong friendship with one's ex causes all kinds of problems.

While it is absolutely possible to be friends-- even good friends-- with your ex, this needs to happen with a lot of clarity, honesty and consciousness.

Take Jim and Candace for example...

When Jim and Candace got divorced, they were so intent on making the changes easy for their kids, they pledged to be friends no matter what. They promised one another that-- for the sake of their children's happiness-- they would continue to make one another a top priority, they would all spend regular time together as a family and they would always "be there" for each other.

This seemed to be working out well, until Jim started dating again. He still had dinner with Candace and the kids a few times a week. He still e-mailed and texted with Candace-- about the kids and other topics too-- at least once a day. And, Jim willingly continued to be the first person that Candace turned to with a problem.

As you might guess, when Jim's girlfriend saw how involved he continued to be with Candace, she felt jealous. Even though Candace was outwardly supportive of Jim's new love relationship, inside she was devastated. Candace felt betrayed and hurt, regardless of how supportive she was trying to be when she talked with Jim.

Jim felt torn and unhappy about the whole situation.

Can you be friends with your ex?

Yes!

Is it always wise or in your best interests to be friends with your
ex?

Not necessarily.

Know your motives.
Before you promise your soon-to-be ex that you two will "always be friends," stop. Before you continue to be best buddies with your ex, stop. Take some time to examine your own motives.

When you're completely honest with yourself, are you only agreeing to be friends with your ex because you are holding out hope that one day the two of you will reunite?

Are you saying "yes" to a friendship with him or her not because you really want to, but because you feel like this is letting your ex down easier?

Are agreeing to be friends as a way to feel safer, less lonely or to have someone to help you take care of your home or other responsibilities?

There are all kinds of motivations that might be compelling you to be friends with your ex. It is understandable that you might want certain roles that he or she used to play continue. It is also understandable that you might want to keep some level of interaction alive-- even if it is not what it used to be (or what you really want).

You're not wrong for wanting to be friends- or even more than friends-- with your ex. After all, you have most likely shared quite a bit of life and yourself with this person. It makes sense that you may wish to hold on to that connection in whatever form you possibly can.

What we're urging you to do is to recognize the reasons why you want to be friends with your ex. Remember, being kind, considerate and respectful are not necessarily the same thing as being friends.

Being friends with someone almost always involves a level of commitment and emotional intimacy. Being kind, considerate and respectful can make interactions with another person more pleasant and peaceful.

If you're starting to see that your motivations are leading you toward heartbreak, bitterness or resentment, remind yourself of this important difference.

Allow space for healing.
Even if after considering your motivations you do decide that remaining friends with your ex is wise and appealing to you, take some time for just yourself and your healing. It's vital that you give yourself space to start the healing process and to adjust to the transitions taking place in your life.

It's just about impossible to wake up one day married or as lovers and then the next day declare-- and really believe it-- that you're just friends.

Deliberately widen your pool of support people. Re-connect with friends and family members who can possibly be there for you when you need a hug, advice, help with a clogged drain or other things that your ex used to do for you.

Make completions with your past relationship and grieve for its ending if that's how you feel. Take the time to really listen to how you feel and give yourself what you need.

Shift your expectations and create a new friend relationship, if you choose.
Be clear with yourself and with your ex about your new friendship. Let him or her know what being friends means to you and then follow through with what you've stated.

If you feel jealous of your ex's new partner or you are annoyed when he or she doesn't call or e-mail you as much as you'd like, this is a signal for you to once again explore your motives. Acknowledge your feelings and re-visit the question of how healthy maintaining this level of friendship or interaction is for you.

Again, remind yourself that your ex is not the only person in your life who can be a source of support, companionship, fun and love. If you're having a difficult time thinking of anyone else who can do this, challenge yourself. Open up to new friendships with others and to deeper connections with the people you already know.

Create Agreements that Will Make Life with Your Woman Easier...and Sexier Too!

2011-05-23T23:04:00.000-07:00

Stephen is trying to be patient with his wife, but it's been tough lately. It seems like sarcasm, snide comments and full-blown arguments are happening more and more frequently.

The tension that's coming between Stephen and his wife revolves around money issues. A couple of years ago, Stephen started his own business. He is really enjoying the challenge and has had some successes along the way, but the business is still not solid and profitable yet.

Stephen is convinced that, given a little more time, his business will be highly lucrative for him and his family too. His wife is not so sure.

She is stressed out most of the time and pours over the numbers for the household and his business everyday. She wants him to look for what she calls a "real job."

They can't seem to find any semblance of agreement on this and the tension has spilled over into the bedroom too. Stephen can't remember the last time that he and his wife made love with one another-- or laughed together either.

In any love relationship or marriage, there can come a time when you and your partner face an issue that you simply don't see eye-to-eye about. You might each work very hard to convince the other how much sense your position is, but this only seems to solidify the opposition.

For you and your woman, the issue that seems to be driving a wedge between you might be money. Or, it could be something else like flirting, jealousy, lying, intimacy, sex or decisions involving your kids.

In many cases, it really matters less what the actual issue is than the way that this disagreement seems to be intensifying and tearing you two apart.

One way to bring some ease to a difficult and contentious situation is to create agreements about it.

The agreement that you reach and follow can lessen the tension and help you both know what you each expect in regard to this tricky topic. The process of creating the agreement can be a way that you two start to move closer together again as you both share and listen and try to understand one another's positions.

As you probably already know, frequent arguing, bickering and stress can be a big turn off. Your woman may be less in the mood to make love with you when there is an unresolved issue.

On the other hand, when you create an agreement and find some level of resolution about the issue, you're both most likely going to be more open to sex.

Creating agreements that are clear, fair and follow-able are a great way to move closer to not only a resolution about this difficult issue, but also to most closer to one another.

Propose clear and specific agreements.
Come to a conversation about this topic with your woman with a clear idea of what you really want. Too often, things can become muddy or distracted when either or both people are triggered and already upset.

You could suggest to your partner that you two create an agreement and then start things off with a proposal that addresses your priorities and core desire. Be open-- and let her know that you are open-- to modifications to this proposal.

Stephen, for example, sits down with his wife and proposes that they give his business another 9 months to grow. He suggests that at the end of the 9 months, they sit down together and assess whether this is something that is feasible to continue.

Be aware if you lay out your suggested agreement as more of an ultimatum or demand. This is NOT what we're going for. Demanding that your partner do things "your way" is very different from an agreement.

There might be a time when you feel so strongly about your position that you are willing to literally leave if things do not change the way you want them to. One example of this may be if your woman is having an affair and you are ready to end the relationship if she doesn't stop the cheating.

An agreement, on the other hand, is collaborative, flexible and a way to re-connect with your partner.

Incorporate her ideas too.
After you've proposed the agreement that you had in mind, now it's your woman's turn to contribute. Remind yourself that giving her the space to fully consider what you've suggested and then really listening to what she wants is NOT going to undermine your priorities and what you want.

Don't interrupt her and don't reject her contributions to the agreement as she states them.

Take the time to feel into yourself. What are the changes, additions or deletions to your proposal that you are most willing to accept? What exactly don't you like about
her specific ideas that you feel resistant to?

Ideally, creating an agreement is a process that is done over the course of a few (more or less) conversations. Give yourselves the time to really understand what each wants and also the time to be clear about why you are open to some things and closed to others.

Set up an agreement that you BOTH will actually follow and feel good
about.
When your ideas and your woman's ideas overlap-- or come close to it-- make that part of your agreement. It can provide positive momentum when you notice and appreciate these places of alignment-- even if they seem small or less significant.

Build on that momentum and come up with some kind of agreement that you both can reasonably follow and feel okay about too.

The long-term success of an agreement is in its being created in an environment of honesty and openness. When you do your best to keep it honest, open and collaborative, you're more likely to feel closer to your woman in the process.

How to Communicate with Your Mate About the Tough Stuff: Jealousy

2011-05-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

Joe's wife, Kristi, has a jealousy problem and he's had enough. It seems that every single day there is new drama in their marriage...generated by her.

It's often the same turn of events. Joe comes home a little late because he's been tied up at work or maybe he needs a little time to unwind after a long day, so he stops for a drink with a co-worker.

Then, when Joe does arrive home, it seems like he's always greeted with accusations and interrogations. Joe wants to know how to talk with Kristi about her jealousy before it's too late for their marriage.

When it comes to jealousy, talking with your partner in a way that doesn't tear you further apart can be really tricky.

It may be obvious to you that your mate has a problem. The number of times that he or she has flown off the handle and accused you of flirting, looking at others or even having an affair may be too many to count.

On the other hand, if you are the one who tends to get jealous, it may be obvious to you that your partner is the one with the problem.

Perhaps, from your point of view, he or she truly is a flirt and sometimes even talks, looks at or touches others in ways that you find inappropriate.

What's your perspective?
When it comes to jealousy, your perspective can truly alter what you see. It can mean the difference between words or actions being innocent and "no big deal" OR them being suspicious and betraying.

This is really important to remember as you set about to communicate about jealousy in a way that helps you and your partner move closer together.

Try to move beyond the question of who's right and who's wrong.

You are certainly experiencing a situation in a particular way and your mate is probably experiencing the same situation differently.

In order for the two of you to be able to talk about what you each want and to create agreements you both can stick with, it's vital that you remind yourself that your perspective is not the only
perspective of what's going on.

Does this mean that you have to just sit there silently while, for example, your boyfriend so clearly checks out an attractive woman who walks by?

Of course not.

What it means is that instead of yelling around about it or storming off, you make a clear and, as calm as possible, choice about what you'll do next.

Speak honestly and about your feelings. The next time that Joe comes home late to an irate wife, he does something out of the ordinary.

He hears her litany of questions... "Where were you? How do I know you were really at work? When will you learn to treat me with respect and call me when you'll be late?"

Then, Joe tells Kristi that he's going to take a few moments by himself and then he'd like to talk with her about this whole situation.

She is surprised, because this is not Joe's usual reaction, which is to yell back at her that she needs to just trust him and stay out of his business.

During this time alone, Joe takes some deep breaths and calms down. When he steps back from his own perspective for a moment, he can understand why Kristi would be upset and even feel jealous and worried.

Joe returns to Kristi and apologizes for being late and for his habit of not calling to let her know his plans. He then opens up and shares with her how sad he feels about the tension and conflict between them lately.

He tells her that knows that he's not easy to live with and that he feels trapped and boxed in when Kristi lays in on him with accusations and interrogations.

Together, Joe and Kristi begin to sort through how they each feel. A greater understanding of where they are both coming from results.

There is no magic cure for jealousy.

But, when you can begin to own and communicate honestly about your emotions and you take responsibility for your share in the habits that are driving you two apart, magical things can happen.

Choose words that reflect your experience of the situation. Do not label your partner's experience or guess what he or she wants or is feeling.

You can always ask questions to get more information about what's happening for him or her.

For example, Joe says to Kristi, "I get really angry when you automatically assume that I'm sleeping around with another woman because I get home late. But, I wonder if you are afraid that that's exactly what I'm doing when I don't call. Is that true for you?"

When you ask a question, be sure you really listen to your mate's response. Even if you don't agree with his or her perspective, you might be able to better understand what's going on for him or her when you do.

From this place of listening and sharing honestly, you and your partner can create agreements that will help you to overcome jealousy, bolster trust and begin to move closer together.

Stop Putting Your Needs Last in Your Love Relationship

2011-05-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

Does it ever seem like you have to choose between making yourself happy and making your partner happy in your relationship?

It might appear to you as if either you or your mate can have your needs met-- but not both of you at the same time. You might reason to yourself that this is just "compromise" or that this is what relationships are all about.

We simply don't agree. In the majority of situations, there is a way for both you and your mate to feel satisfied about a resolution to a particular conflict or disagreement.

It is absolutely possible for you AND your partner to feel like your needs are being met-- even if they are different needs.

You may have developed a habit of putting what you want on the back burner in life. This tendency might come from your desire to please your mate or to not upset the "fragile balance" between the two of you. It might also relate back to lessons about relationships or gender that you learned growing up.

The trouble with consistently and frequently putting your needs last is that you can end up feeling like a martyr in your relationship. You put yourself in the position of essentially sacrificing yourself for the sake of your partner.

This almost always results in you feeling resentful-- even if you try to keep those feelings hidden. In addition to the resentment, you will also probably experience unhappiness and upset because you aren't giving yourself what you need.

You might believe that putting your own needs last is a favor or gift you are giving to your partner, but it's not! When you are depriving yourself by squashing down your own desires, you simply can't be as present and open to your mate as you might otherwise be able to be.

Your love will not be able to flow the way you might want it to in your relationship.

You partner will probably also feel confused and unsure of you. After all, you aren't acting and speaking with integrity when you regularly shove aside your own opinions and desires in favor of his or hers.

This can create an environment of mistrust in which both of you are closed down and distant with one another.

Putting your own needs last is simply not conducive to you having the connected, close relationship you might have been trying to create in the first place.

Stay in touch and aware of what you want.
Get in the habit of tuning in to yourself and to what you want-- not just when it comes to "big" decisions, but in each and every moment.

When you awake in the morning, practice listening to what your inner self is needing. It could be that your body is craving some alone time involving a good book and a warm bath. Or it may be that you really need close, loving touches and physical sharing with your mate.

Take the time to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation as you are talking with your partner. Allow yourself a few moments (or however long you need) to process what he or she is saying and feel into yourself to become clear about what you would like to have happen next.

You can let your partner know that the pauses you are taking before responding in a conversation mean that you are tuning in to yourself so that what you share is from your heart and well-considered.

Have the courage and patience to stay open.
Just because you make a change and stop putting your own needs last, it doesn't mean you will begin to offer your partner ultimatums or that you will always "get your way."

Once you are clear about what you need, you can cultivate the courage to communicate that need to your mate. And then you can stay open and be patient.

Listen closely to what your partner's needs are and don't reject them just because they seem, at first glance, to be diametrically opposed to what you want. Stick with this open and loving energy.

Look for solutions that you both can feel content with. The decision or outcome that you two make together might not be what you initially expected-- it could be even better.

If your intention is to stay connected AND have your needs met, it is more likely that those win-win solutions will become apparent. Follow through with these need-satisfying plans and celebrate how much closer you and your partner have become in the process.