Why Your Favorite Games Suck

The Connoisseur's #1 Nintendo DS Game of All Time

2012-07-10T19:33:00.002-07:00

The World Ends With You

The DS is loaded with great games, but there was no doubt which one would land at #1 for me. TWEWY was everything a DS game should be, and is easily one of the best JRPGs of this generation. The story was compelling, and far from the "typical" JRPG that makes us cringe. There is always a tension as the story progresses, and it's easy to empathize with the characters as they fight their way through the streets of Tokyo attempting to complete their goal. There are plenty of plot twists and a shocking ending that you don't want to miss. The game is also oozing with style, with its incredible soundtrack full of catchy tunes, and an interesting level-up system.

But the most remarkable thing is the game's combat system. You utilize both screens at the same time, using the control pad to fight on the top screen while slashing and dashing your enemies on the bottom screen. Once you get the hang of it, the combat becomes immensely addicting. This results in some incredible boss battles as well. And it only gets better as you gain more powerful and intricate attacks. TWEWY is the complete package that all DS gamers should own.

Up next for The Connoisseur: A few more roasts of popular games, and then a top 10 PSP list!

The Connoisseur's Top 10 DS Games of All Time: 4-2

2012-06-29T22:06:00.003-07:00

4. New Super Mario Bros DS

Screw that, let's go the other way.

Well, to put it simply, this game has everything you'd want out of a 2D Mario platformer on the DS. But you already know that because it's Super Mario. So, for those of you who haven't tried it, all you need to know is that this is one of the DS's best games and that you're missing out. Why isn't it higher on the list? Well, some of the levels are less lengthy than they should be, and I found it a bit easier as compared to some of the other entries in the franchise. But that's about it. You should play this game.

3. Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

Some of the bosses might make you rage.

This was the first of the great DS games that I played. I still regard it as one of the best. This is an excellent Castlevania, on even ground with Symphony of the Night, Circle of the Moon, Aria of Sorrow, and any of the rest. It's a good challenge, has excellent and varied boss battles, great combat and platforming, and much more. I sunk many an hour into this gem. However, I do admit that I haven't played Order of Ecclesia, which I've heard great things about, so perhaps the rankings could change in the future. I didn't try it because I was disappointed in Portrait of Ruin. Anyway, make sure to play Dawn of Sorrow if you haven't already.

2. Advance Wars: Dual Strike

Jake is all like 'yo yo yo yo yo dawg'

The last two were incredibly difficult to place, but Dual Strike will have to settle for second. It's easily one of the best TBS games I've ever played. My problem with other TBS in the past has always been that they're too slow-paced, especially compared to RTS games. Advance Wars... not so much. The missions move briskly, with great-looking action and loads of strategy involved, whether it be in-battle tactics or choosing the best commanders for the job pre-fight. The only issue is that a veteran of these sorts of games might find the bast majority of the battles too easy. But it's a small issue next to just how incedibly fun this game is. There are plenty of missions to play, along with secret missions, a real-time combat mode in which you control one unit at a time, you vs the AI head-to-head matches with the option of multiple commanders on each team, a survival mode, and much more. There's also a mini achievement system, unlockables that can be purchased with money earned, and even plenty of customization (including map-making). Dual Strike is a game loaded with things to do, meaning there's a huge amount of replayability on top of the superb campaign, and easily deserves its spot so high on my list.

The Connoisseur's Top 10 DS Games of All Time: 6-5

2012-06-23T19:34:00.002-07:00

6. Professor Layton and the Curious Village

I've always had the feeling that Layton's a pedophile.

This is one of those gems that few people even know about and most just skip over at the store if they even notice in the first place. But man, is it a surprisingly good game. I love puzzle games, though my experiences with series like Brain Age weren't anything to write home about. Professor Layton puts those games to shame. You get a blend of old and new puzzles that are creative, innovative, and highly entertaining. Some are easy, some are very difficult. And through it all, we get a nice little mystery plot that makes us want to continue. There are plenty of extra puzzles to do, and we can come back to them all we want. The touch-screen controls are flawless, and there's a surprising amount of content. A puzzle gamer's dream.

5. Mario Kart DS

No surprise here. Mario Kart DS has been a fan favorite since the beginning of the DS's lifespan, and it deserves all its praise. Once again, there are plenty of tracks and races to complete playing by yourself, and that alone is loads of fun. Then you add arguably the best competitive multiplayer experience on any handheld, with endless hours of intense racing, and you've got the recipe for a top 5 all-time DS game. Throw in some good customization, and MKDS's place is my rankings is completely solidified. The only thing keeping this game from ranking higher is "snaking" online, which is highly annoying until you learn how to master it yourself. Still feels cheap regardless. A phenomenal game though, no matter how you look at it.

The Connoisseur's Top 10 DS Games of All Time: 8-7

2012-06-20T20:27:00.001-07:00

8. The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks

Zelda has become a total bitch.

While it was Phantom Hourglass that really showed that touch-screen controls could work with Zelda, Spirit Tracks was simply the superior game. There were a couple of problems, like the method of transportation being tedious and resulting in linearity, and Zelda being transformed into a hussy Hannah Montana figure, but overall the game was solid. Not nearly up to my expectations for this franchise, but for a handheld game, it gets the job done. The music was great, excellent controls and good puzzles, and the bosses were moderately challenging (a step up from previous games for sure). It had its moments, and wasn't a complete blur like its predecessor. This won't, however, keep it from joining my hate list in the future.

7. Metroid Prime: Hunters

You use the stylus on the bottom screen to aim your gun (like k/m controls, but shittier).

One of the first games I owned on the DS, and still one of my favorites. It's true that the campaign was underwhelming compared to others in the Metroid Prime series, but it was still lengthy and had some good fights. If you wanted more action in a Metroid Prime game, then Hunters delivered very well in this regard, feeling much more like a true FPS than the others. It also boasts some of the best visuals on the system, from both a technical and artistic viewpoint. Some of the maps, both single and multi player, were outstanding, and the competitive multiplayer was exhilarating. In that regard, MPH might not only be the best DS game ever made, but the best handheld game period. With rankings, stats, the ability to add people you've played, and excellent touch-screen controls resulting in innovative competitive gaming, Hunters is still a wonderful game that all DS owners need to play.

The Connoisseur's Top 10 DS Games of all Time: 10-9

2012-06-16T14:32:00.001-07:00

10. Final Fantasy III

Awe-inspiring 3D visuals.

FFIII narrowly beats out its famed brother IV for a spot in my top 10. The main reason being that I was already so familiar with IV (previously known as II on the SNES), whereas III was a fresh experience for me. And it was certainly a good experience as well. FFIII is the kind of hardcore game that I like, forcing you to keep up with your levels and job types unless you wanted to get pulverized. A decent story and awesome boss battles made this a surprisingly good game for me, and even though it was difficult, the challenge felt highly rewarding by the end.

9. Pokémon Diamond/Peal/Platinum

POKERMAN!

Unfortunately, it's very possible that this will be the last Pokémon game to appear on one of my lists. The formula is getting jaded, but at this point in time, I still loved these adventures. And the fourth generation of this franchise, while not as awe-inspiring as previous iterations to me, delivered everything I could've hoped for. Dozens upon dozens of hours of gameplay, many new Pokémon to catch, and entertaining Gym Leader battles. On top of that, some online gameplay was added, meaning even more replay value. And of course, hours of chasing those legendaries.

The Connoisseur's Top 10 Nintendo DS Games of All Time

2012-06-10T23:53:00.002-07:00

After close to two dozen posts in which I bash games, I think it's about time for me to give some love. Because despite how much I hate the direction gaming has gone in recent years, with developers aiming to please the teeming masses with easier, watered-down games instead of actually trying to create genuine masterpieces, I still fully realize that there are many superb developers who have released games that cater to the hardcore such as myself. Therefore, I will soon begin listing my top 10 Nintendo DS games of all time. Nintendo was the first company to bring us into the handheld "next generation" with the Nintendo 3DS, so now is a great time for me to look back and decide which games any handheld gamer shouldn't miss out on. I will, soon after, follow with a top ten PSP list.

For now, I'm simply going to list the finalists and begin the actual list with my next post. A few quick notes about my list (and all subsequent lists) first though. I'm not going to add games that I haven't played. It's impossible to judge such a game. This goes for games that I hate on as well. If it's on my blog, then I have had considerable time with it. So my top ten lists only consist of games that I have actually played, and played enough so that I can accurately assess them. If you don't see a game on my list that you think deserves to be there, then I've either: a. Not played it. -or- b. think it's overrated or not quite worthy of a spot on the list. If you have suggestions for games that you think should be on here, then post them. Ports will always be excluded. I'll copy and paste this before every top 10 list.

All right, so here are the finalists. There are still quite a few DS games that I want to play (Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia, Radiant Historia, Picross, Elite Beat Agents, etc), but for now, these will have to do.

Advance Wars: Dual Strike - Advance Wars is as good as TBS gets. Dual Strike is loaded with content and a blast from beginning to end.

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow - Quite possibly the best Castlevania since Symphony of the Night. Excellent design and boss battles result in a wonderful follow-up to the GBA's Aria of Sorrow.

Final Fantasy III - A new Final Fantasy for American gamers (and a from-the-ground-up remake), and a pretty good one at that. A great class system combines with a fun soundtrack and excellent boss battles to make yet another stellar old-school Final Fantasy. On top of that, it goes back to the olden days of hardcore gaming, with chains of boss battles and huge dungeons that you have to start over if you lose. Be ready to have your patience tested.

Final Fantasy IV - Another remade Final Fantasy, though this one is more familiar to SNES owners. Despite having been criticized on my blog in the past (with good reason), it's still a great game. A tougher (but more balanced) difficulty helps solve one of my longtime problems.

The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks - While it's terrible for a Zelda game, it does a lot of good with the DS controls and is still one of the better DS games to be released, and definitely an improvement over Phantom Hourglass (though that might not save it from a spot on this blog later). Its bosses are also significantly tougher than those in Phantom Hourglass (though not hard), another clear point in its favor.

Mario Kart DS - Mario Kart fans will have a hard time putting this one down, with great single-player, local multiplayer, and online multiplayer racing. Lots of customization and thrilling online races meant this was the best Mario Kart to date at the time of its release.

Metroid Prime: Hunters - While the single-player is drawn-out and boring, the multiplayer, both local and online, is fantastic for a handheld game. Nintendo misses more often than not when it comes to online, but this time they hit a bulls-eye.

New Super Mario Bros DS - No surprise here. Another great, though relatively easier, Mario experience.

Okamiden - It takes a long time to pick up steam, but the ending quarter of the game is a poignant reminder of its lauded predecessor.

Pokemon Diamond/Pearl/Platinum - The Pokemon series needs freshening, but the first series of games to hit the DS are sitll very fun.

Pokemon HeartGold/HeartSilver - These remakes of arguably the greatest Pokemon games in the series took me back to the past on a nostalgic adventure.

Professor Layton and the Curious Village - This puzzle game is one of the generations best. A wonderful interface and addicting puzzles will make it very difficult for you to put it down once you've began.

The World Ends With You - Unarguably one of the best JRPGs of this generation. The combat is unique, fun, and takes quick reflexes. The story is an interesting twist on Battle Royale and will have you on the edge of your seat from the beginning. Even if you're not a handheld fan, this is a game that shouldn't be missed.

Crysis 2

2012-06-09T01:15:00.001-07:00

You spelled "Crisis" wrong. Dumbass.

Since I’ve already mentioned this game when it was selected as my most overrated game of 2011, I’ll cut straight to the chase. One of the greatest things about the original Crysis was its drop-dead-gorgeous visuals. There’s no way around it. It’s an awesome game otherwise, but it wouldn’t have been the same without those stunning graphics. So why the hell didn’t Crysis 2 look as good as its predecessor upon release?? C’mon, Crytek had to send out a DirectX 11 patch months after release because they were too worried about profits instead of giving us a completed game. Granted, it looks wonderful now, but I’m too bored of the damned game for that to make a difference now. And, screw it, the original still looks better. And that’s pretty pathetic considering how relatively narrow the levels are in Crysis 2.

The only thing more pathetic than the aliens are your friendly NPCs.

With that last point in mind, allow me to sum up the weakest aspect of this game. That is, instead of continuing the trend of the original Crysis with large open-ended maps, Crytek decided to make yet another Call of Duty clone with hours of underwhelming corridor shooting. Even when you’re fighting outside, the battlefield is noticeably smaller than in the original Crysis, and it rarely gives you more than one path to take. The powers of your nanosuit have also been cut down to make it simple for console controllers (no surprise, PC games that are “consolized” are virtually always scaled back considerably in more ways than graphics). There is no more “maximum strength” and “maximum speed” is now utilized through the sprint button. Perks have been added, and if you choose to upgrade your suit with the best stealth options, even the hardest difficulty becomes a complete joke as you won’t have to fight 90% of the enemies, and most of the rest can be dispatched with a back-attack. Shouldn’t a difficulty setting called “Supersoldier” be a… challenge?

I’m going to go ahead and wrap this up by saying: what the FUCK did they do to everything laid down by the first Crysis? These aliens don’t resemble the ones from before in the slightest. They look like aliens from any other Sci-Fi FPS, and aren’t nearly as intimidating as the ones that would fly around and wreak havoc from above. And the story… what the hell happened? I mean, yeah, the plot in the original was terrible anyway, but this one doesn’t even seem to be related. A character from the original is back and… uh… yeah. That’s it. And don’t ask me what the story was actually about because I wasn’t even sure right after beating it on Supersoldier. Oh, but the multiplayer is marginally better than it was in the original, so there’s the game’s positive aspect.

The aliens spread some kind of virus thing and you've gotta do something to stop all the I don't know.

But seriously, just stick with the original and don’t even bother with this crap (don’t even click on the links below).

6/10

Super Smash Bros Brawl

2012-04-14T01:04:00.001-07:00

Super Smash Bros Melee + shit online

Have I gone after a Wii game before this? I think this is the first one. Either way, I don't really care. Maybe I should do a few posts on "Why Your Favorite Consoles Suck" and throw the Wii out there first. Add some variety to this blog. Anyway, I've always been a fan of Smash Bros. It's nowhere near being a traditional fighter, but it's still a load of fun with friends. Unfortunately for Nintendo, we're now in the age of internet gaming, so good offline multiplayer no longer cuts it. And while Super Smash Bros Brawl has one hell of an offline multiplayer and is packed with content, everything else falls short. I'm also willing to say it's a must-buy for its soundtrack alone, but...

She was asking for it.

Let's get straight to the two big, fatal problems present in Brawl. We all know the game's strength is in its local multiplayer anyway. That's still good. We also get a plethora of single player modes, similar to what we saw in Super Smash Bros Melee, including a relatively long single player campaign. A lot of these modes will hold your attention for a while, but the campaign, titled Subspace Emissary (where the hell did they get that name from?) might elicit more groans than anything else. If you don't rush through it, you're looking at 10-15 hours on Normal difficulty (if I remember correctly). And it gets really annoying too, as the checkpoint system is all over the place at the end, and sometimes unforgiving. But really, you just run and jump for long periods of time, flailing around like a retard to beat up a bunch of repetitive enemies, just to get to some random boss that you'll beat handily once you figure out its pattern. It's so goddamn boring. Hours and hours of my life went down the drain just to see a bunch of half-assed cut-scenes. Ugh.

Not so funny now, huh?

And now, the second fatal flaw. The online multiplayer. To call Super Smash Bros Brawl's online system "bare-bones" is a disservice to the online multiplayer of games like Dead Space 2. It's not just bare-bones, it's almost nonexistent. You can play up to three other people in Free-For-All match-ups, and that's all there is to it. You choose your character, everything else is picked randomly from the four players' settings. Fucking amazing, right? Maybe it would be, but Nintendo's online infrastructure is so abysmal that they can't even handle a certain amount of people playing online at one time, so you have to play your match in SLOW-MOTION due to LAG! They knew this game would sell millions, how in the FUCK were they not PREPARED? On top of that, you can't even talk or message people online. Get real, Nintendo. You can send in pictures and videos of stuff you do, and Nintendo will weekly send out their choices of the "best," so then you can see the creations of soulless nerds who spends dozens of hours creating one 10-second video, just so that Nintendo sends out their hard work (anonymously lmao) for everyone else to appreciate.

It's just not your day, Ike.

There's a bit more though. They send out player-made stages that you can have for a limited time, but if you want player-made stages permanently, you're going to have to download them elsewhere, because you can't get them in-game. The stage builder is laughable anyway, so whatever. Casino addicts, there's a mode for you to gamble on online matches. You can watch a random online match (only thing more fun than playing a lag-filled multiplayer is WATCHING it) and then bet coins on who you think will win. Which is quite literally like betting on a dice roll considering that you know absolutely nothing about the players in the match outside of their character. Unless three guys inexplicably choose Jigglypuff, you'll have no idea who might be the favorite to win. That's right, there are no stats in this game. It doesn't count wins, kills, damage dealt, Final Smashes used, or anything. There are no leaderboard rankings, skill levels, or even a point system. So, it's a boring lagfest, and there isn't even a reason to keep playing. Nintendo online in a nutshell.

7/10

Resident Evil 3

2012-04-10T16:20:00.002-07:00

The 3 stands for how many hours it takes to beat the game.

I'm going back to the PlayStation to pick on another fan-favorite. Resident Evil 3, following the gripping atmosphere and epic scope of Resident Evil 2, fails to do its predecessor justice in any way. Outside of running like hell from Tyrant every now and then, there wasn't even anything that stood out about this game.

So actually, the reason Resident Evil 3 is greatly overrated is not because its mechanics are any worse than the previous Resident Evil games, but because it's just a watered down version of them. You'll beat this turd in around 3-4 hours and then automatically assume that there's another scenario or character for you to play afterwards, and then you'll be horribly disappointed. Yeah, you can only play as Jill, and unlike Resident Evil 2, there aren't any alternate scenarios. What the hell?

Aww... he just wants a hug.

You get past that, and then you see that there was nothing added to make up for the lack of content. The mini-scenarios after you win are even crappier than they were in Resident Evil 2, the tank controls aren't any better, and the dialogue might actually be even worse, back to the days of the original Resident Evil. There are fewer puzzles, fewer bosses, fewer everything. And the atmosphere has absolutely nothing going for it, a complete step back from Resident Evil 2. The worst part is that Tyrant is supposed to make this game great by himself, and everybody raves about his chase scenes. I still have no fucking idea why, because I never really had a problem getting around him and therefore was never even close to being scared. So take that out, and why the hell was I supposed to buy this game? Notice how short this "review" is. I don't have much to say because there isn't much to this game.

6.5/10

Final Fantasy X-2

2012-04-08T18:23:00.004-07:00

The sequel that might ruin your great memories of Final Fantasy X.

As promised, I will follow up on Final Fantasy X with its sequel, X-2. I know this isn't a "favorite" game for most people, but I do think its critical reception warrants inclusion on my hate list. I mean, 85% on Metacritic for this load of crap? Proof that a game can get great scores just based on its title. There is no real point in buying this game unless you want to see Yuna and Rikku in skimpy outfits.

The first problem is, quite obviously, with the characters. Square Enix knew their game was going to suck, so they put the three heroines in gaudy costumes, once again showing the universal belief that women can't succeed without good looks and sexual appeal. I guess they're kinda right, but it's still annoying because Yuna was such a good character in Final Fantasy X without a revealing getup. Rikku... do I even have to say anything? You find out she's had a past intimate relationship with one of the men in the game. Considering that she's 17 years old, you can safely assume that she was screwing this guy when she was 13 or 14, which is hilarious. Then we've got Paine, who is a dyke. Don't know where the hell she came from, but she should've been left out.

The only good part of the game: some girl-on-girl action.

The story sucks. Its linear progression is incredibly boring, and you pretty much have to play through it twice, doing absolutely everything right, to get the full ending. Hell, you have to use a walkthroughs just to get the real ending your first time through because there's stuff you've gotta do without any clue at all. Not to mention the backstory does very little to complement Final Fantasy X and is mostly pulled out of thin air. A lot of people complain that Tidus comes back at the end and say the "bad" ending in which Tidus stays dead should be the true one. I say Tidus should've never been seen in the water at the end of Final Fantasy X and that this game should've NEVER EXISTED. There's your true ending.

Sit down, LOSER.

The battle system is kinda cool, I guess. It's similar to the old class-based Final Fantasy games, and it leads in to Final Fantasy XIII in a way. My main issue is that the bosses aren't very tough, and I found Final Fantasy X-2 to be even more of a cakewalk than its predecessor. The music is mediocre too, there are some good tunes, but the entire soundtrack pales in comparison to Final Fantasy X. Also got to give a shout-out to this game's atmosphere. It sucks. If you remember the awesome lightning place from X, then you'll hate what Square has done to it this time around. The frickin music doesn't even match! Why were they so lazy with this game?!

5/10

Overrated: Final Fantasy X

2012-04-04T23:57:00.000-07:00

Why is this fucker on the cover? I want Yuna!

Ok, for the first time, the Gaming Connoisseur is not going to bash a game that sucks. In fact, I think Final Fantasy X is pretty good. However, I do believe that it's overrated by both fans and critics. It's linear, the story is average, and there are a lot of cheesy moments. But for some reason, it just has that "It" factor that makes it a really entertaining game. But with the problems I mentioned, and considering that it's one of the highest rated games of the PS2, GameCube, and Xbox era, I do feel the need to add it to my list. Oh, and this time I'll go ahead and warn you that there will be spoilers.

The first thing I'm going to go back and forth on is the cast of characters. Tidus (pronounced TEE-dus lmfao) looks and acts like a total pussy. He's a high-energy guy, which is better than some previous Final Fantasy main characters like emo Cloud and Squall, but in combination with his colorful get-up makes him look like a gay (ok I'm not a homophobe, so the reason this is bad is because he falls in love with a girl, leaving me confused). He does not deserve to be the main character. The story is about Yuna's trip as far as I'm concerned, and he's just along for the ride. Yuna is awesome. And then everyone else sucks. Rikku is the high-energy female who never loses her good spirits. Even when Tidus is disappearing (spoiler alert) she is jumping and waving while everyone else is sad (seriously, wtf). Wakka is a Hawaiian guy, which is pretty cool, except he's the captain of a merry band of loser blitzball players, like a video game version of the Mets' David Wright. Then Square Enix needed an emo, so they added Lulu. Then there's a cat thing, and Auron, who is pretty cool.

DURRRR.. HURHURHURHURHURHUR!!!!!!!

The story has its good and its bad. The good is that Tidus is actually not alive lol. I also like how it's not based on a war with the good guys hopelessly outnumbered. That's always a plus. And Yuna's sending in Kilika is one of the most iconic moments in gaming. The bad: literally every fucking moment with Tidus. Ahem *clears throat* ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Btw.. what's up with godawful lip-syncing?

Wakka's merry band of losers before a match.

The only other problem is that Final Fantasy X was the beginning of Final Fantasy's turn to linearity. While the pacing is actually really good, there's virtually nothing for you to do outside of continue walking straight ahead to continue the main quest. This really sucks considering that Spira actually has an interesting world that would be very fun to explore. But NO, we can't have exploration in games anymore, because developers think most gamers are too stupid and won't know what the hell to do if they don't lay everything out in a straight line. While they're totally correct, that doesn't mean it's ok. This continues until the very end of the game, in which we can be transported to various parts of the world map. Yay...

8.5/10 - And you can expect me to follow up with Final Fantasy X-2 in the coming days....

Call of Duty: Black Ops

2012-03-25T01:01:00.001-07:00

Call of Dooty: Black Ops

Yeah, another Call of Duty, I can't help but go after all the recent games in this series. They're all shit. Their intense popularity pisses me off because it reminds me of how stupid the general masses are. It doesn't matter if it's the same game every year, if they market it hard enough, people will buy. If they sold Black Ops with a big black dick that raped you every time you opened the case, people would still buy it. At least Black Ops has one thing going for it; it's not as hilariously retarded as its predecessor, Modern Warfare 2. But it's still pretty fucking stupid.

I'm not going to waste much of my time with the multiplayer or core gameplay. If you don't know/think it's the same game as Call of Duty 4, World at War, and Modern Warfare 2, then you've had your head up your ass for a long time. The multiplayer is the same exact thing as Modern Warfare with its (mostly) tiny maps and lack of team coordination. You can roll now. Woo-fucking-hoo. Black Ops is a linear corridor shooter like the previous games, with rehashed mission design and a load of pointless set-pieces.

Guess which orifice I'm going to stick this in.

The game starts off with the main character in an interrogation room, and you'll have to put up with this shit in between many of the missions. Then you find him going to attempt an assassination of Fidel Castro during the Bay of Pigs. Mason seemingly succeeds in assassinating Castro, but of course it was actually a double. Then Mason gets captured and sent to the Soviet Union where he's thrown in prison and befriends some Soviet guy named Reznov. The Soviet guy just happens to be a former partner of the men that tortured Mason after his capture. What a coincidence. They start a prisoner revolt and Mason is able to fight his way out despite the presence of Soviet troops (lmao).

Mason and a few other men go to the Soviet Union to fuck up the Soviet space program, led by Dragovich. They blow up a spaceship (pretty awesome, actually) but Dragovich escapes. Then they go to Vietnam, and after fucking up some squints, they meet up with a Russian defector who happens to be... you'll never guess... Reznov (or... appears to be Reznov...). They go to Laos to find a wrecked plane, but are overwhelmed by commie bastards. Mason and Reznov are the lucky two to escape. Hudson and Weaver, other dudes accompanying Mason, are fighting elsewhere and discover some plot to release poison in America, or some shit like that. They need to find some station and stop the broadcast of.. instructions?.. that would release the poison. How convenient that the Soviets had no other way of releasing the poisons.

Fuck you, Legos.

Well, it ends up that Mason was brainwashed the whole time, Reznov was dead, and a whole bunch of other shit that I don't even want to try to comprehend because it's so goddamn stupid. Hudson and Weaver had Mason strapped up to the chair in the game's present time, though it also ends up that Reznov had brainwashed Mason to kill the Soviet guys. The numbers base is underwater and they go there and kill Dragovich, and America wins. It's implied that Mason assassinates JFK. Why can't we just have a regular Vietnam shooter without all the brainwashing, secret poison, space ship, conspiracy BULLSHIT? Even World at War blows this inane garbage out of the water.

5/10

Mass Effect

2012-03-23T17:56:00.002-07:00

Pass Defect.

Mass Effect is yet another game I just had to buy because everyone said it was one of the greatest games of this generation. I really need to stop listening to people and just rent before I buy. The second game in the Mass Effect series might be one of the greatest games of this generation, but this one is a big nasty fart. First of all, Mass Effect is NOT an RPG. It's a TPS with RPG elements. If you think it's an RPG, then you either didn't PC game during the glory years of the PC RPGs, or you've only been around for the last two generations.

Since Mass Effect is a TPS, the first thing to complain about is the god-awful combat. It's very similar to Gears of War, but the shooting mechanics (even if your character is an expert with the gun you're using) are slightly off, and the aiming isn't nearly as tight as in Gears. The cool thing about the guns is that they don't have to reload and instead need to cool down if fired too much, an interesting change. But that's the only positive feature about the combat. Your characters' movements are nearly as loose as the aiming, and the cover system sucks total balls. Shepard automatically moves behind cover, and when enemies are swarming, you'll get pelted from every which way as you try to maneuver the crap controls for a shot (no blind fire). Your AI partners are worth shit as well, and typically you'll find yourself telling them to find cover far behind the battle so they don't all get slaughtered instantaneously. If you don't tell them to hide, they rarely find cover themselves and stand out in the open, soaking everything the enemy throws at them. Talk about a royal pain in the ass.

Play your cards right, and you might get some alien booty.

Often, whether in the main quest or side quests, you'll find yourself driving the Mako, the most durable ground vehicle ever made. This thing can take a lot of missiles, and is not affected by gravity whatsoever. Another fact BioWare never seemed aware of: there's no way a planet many times the size of earth should have the same gravity as the moon. What the hell were they even thinking? You'll see the Mako going up mountains at near-90 degree angles or rolling off them to little effect. The Mako combat is also atrocious; wait until the Thresher Maul gets a hold of you. It will show exactly how loose and unmanageable the vehicle controls are. For side quests, the planets you can drive on are sparse with little to do, and finding your objective can be extremely tedious. There's little variety in the environments outside of sometimes finding a very cold or very hot world. And the side quests are so mind-numbingly repetitive that you'll probably quit doing them after only a few.

Then there's the actual quests in the main storyline. There's a lot of exploring and dialogue followed by periods of combat. While some of the exploration is cool and there are some neat environments, the main storyline missions can be awfully drawn-out and boring. Like the side quests, these can get annoyingly repetitive as well. As for the dialogue, I can say BioWare at the very least did better here than they did with Dragon Age later on. You'll probably need to work on paragon, but Shepard sounds like such a pussy that way. Still far beats out his dialogue as a renegade though. He doesn't sound like a badass at all, more like an immature dad at a high school soccer game. I guess guys that work on video games would have no idea what badass is though, so I can give them a pass.

Shepard.. I.. I am your father.

The story is highly overrated like the rest of the game. It's similar to the many B-rated sci-fi movies you could see over the years. Humans are colonizing large portions of the galaxy, there are aliens and politics, and then a huge threat appears that is likely going to destroy everything. Hopelessly outmanned and outgunned, it's up to a human and his crew to stop the invasion of machines. Whatever. The problem is that your choices mean virtually nothing, other than potentially losing some of your crew along the way. At the end, you can choose to save the Council or not, that's the extent of your choice and consequence. Oh, and before I forget, this game just looks average, with constant visual glitches (like screen tearing) and slow-downs. Not impressive considering that this game isn't even that detailed.

6.5/10

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

2012-03-22T17:14:00.001-07:00

Why.. just why, Nintendo?

Once upon a time, handheld The Legend of Zelda was anticipated with similar fervor to the console behemoths. This was seen as recently as 2005, when The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap was released. That might never again be an issue, thanks in large part to Phantom Hourglass. Despite raving reviews (though, as has been alluded to on here time and again, it's not difficult for games to receive universal acclaim anymore), Phantom Hourglass was a joke from the very beginning, for an assortment of reasons. The first being that it just sucked.

The first thing you'll notice about Phantom Hourglass (outside of the fact that it looks like shit) is that you have to control Link by using the stylus. You poke where you want him to walk and constantly poke everything to make him do stuff. While it works, at times, it's a total pain in the ass compared to traditional controls. Especially when you have to do stuff really quickly and Link is slowly reacting to your pokes. Not to mention your hand will probably get stiff within a half hour, which sucks ass when you're playing a long(ish) adventure game that takes time to get through. Why couldn't they even give you a fucking CHOICE as to which control method you would use, what the FUCK? And about the only innovation we actually get from this is the ability to write notes in the dungeon. That's about it.

Decisions, decisions...

Phantom Hourglass follows soon after the events of the epic GameCube Zelda, The Wind Waker. You'd think that maybe they could draw from the excellent storyline we experienced then to craft this game's plot, but you'd be horribly disappointed. Nothing about this game is remotely memorable, and I had to look on Wikipedia to even remember what happened in this game. After reading it, I have again forgotten exactly what the fuck happened. Let's see, they come across a ghost ship and Tetra (retard) jumps on board and something happens. Link ends up on some island, and there's a fairy or some shit, and then he meets Linedick, who is a total pussy.

Tetra is somehow turned to stone and needs to be rescued (surprise), and Linedick leans against her frozen form and nearly breaks her (which would've been fucking hilarious and made the game so much more interesting). While there are many dungeons for you to complete, you constantly have to return to the same goddamn dungeon over and over and do the same puzzles over and over again. Why a Zelda game needs such filler is unknown, as the games already have a shitload of puzzles. Anyway, some plant thing is behind all the evils, and Link has to kill it. Then Nintendo fakes us out with a Link's Awakening it-was-all-a-dream ending before showing Linedick's ship and proving that it actually did happen. Assholes.

If only....

What really pisses me off about the game is that they cut out almost all of the adventuring that made The Wind Waker so awesome. A lot of fans (retards) complained that the sailing was too drawn-out and boring in The Wind Waker, so they decided to let you draw out the path of your ship in Phantom Hourglass and let it move on its own, effectively leaving the game to play itself. You get to shoot a cannon some. A grand adventure, right? Most of the islands are fairly worthless though, so you won't even find yourself free-roaming much anyway, because Nintendo apparently thinks its fans are too stupid to figure out where to go if they're not given a straight path all the time.

Linedick forces a favor from our hero.

Phanton Hourglass also follows many of the recent games in the series in that there is nothing remotely difficult about this game whatsoever. The bosses don't take much thought, nor many hits to kill, and they certainly don't do much damage to Link (which is really pathetic because even that pussy Linedick rapes Link, as pictured above). The puzzles are a breeze, save for perhaps some of the ones in the annoying Temple of the Ocean King. We do, however, get The Legend of Zelda's first-ever competitive online multiplayer mode. Which is pretty fun, but suffers from the same weakness as most DS online multiplayers: there is no punishment for quitting mid-match, and you're not awarded for your opponent's rage-quit. Therefore, most of your wins will never count because just before victory, your opponent disconnects, meaning the match never happened. Get with the fucking times, Nintendo.

5/10

Final Fantasy IV

2012-03-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

Final Fantasy VIII on the SNES.

Final Fantasy IV, originally known as Final Fantasy II on the SNES, is considered one of the greatest games of all time. It's not. In fact, it's one of the cheesiest, most cliché-ridden, and downright stupidest games of all time. That said, it does have a lot of what makes Final Fantasy great. Well, it has a lot of what MADE Final Fantasy great before Square Enix shat all over it.

This is Final Fantasy, so we're looking for an epic story, and good gameplay can't make a game in this series alone. So, that said, why does Final Fantasy IV suck (well, more so overrated than suck)? Well, it starts off awesome in Mysidia with Cecil kicking ass and taking names, but then he goes all sentimental on our asses and questions the king. So he gets stripped of rank and is told to go with Kain to deliver a package to Mist. Too stupid to realize that the king is planning something nefarious, he goes to the village and the package kills everyone there except for a little girl, who you instinctively know is going to join your party.

That's Rydia's concept art? wtf gross

So they find out that Rosa followed Cecil and is sick, then they meet Tellah, who joins them through unspoken consent. They go to Damascus, which gets bombed like NATO is about to do their asses in real life. Anna, daughter of Tellah and lover of Prince Edward of Damascus, gets smoked by one of the airships. Edward joins the party to help them cure Rosa and get revenge on Golbez, while Tellah leaves the party to get revenge on Golbez (?). Which means you lose a powerful wizard for a pansy-ass flute-tooter with a feather in his hat. Thanks for being a team player Tellah. They cure Rosa (surprise) and go to another city to protect the next crystal that Golbez is after.

They meet Master Yang, and the Red Wings attack with Kain under Golbez's control. Kain kicks Cecil's pussy ass, and Rosa gets kidnapped (obviously). Yang joins through unspoken consent, and the party leaves by boat. They're attacked by Leviathan and everyone is scattered, with Yang later saying that Rydia got swallowed by Leviathan. Cecil finds himself in Mysidia, where he's shocked to see how much the mages hate him (really?) and decides to become a Paladin. Two annoying mages accompany him, he becomes a Paladin, and Tellah arrives to learn Meteor. Cid comes and they fly away before getting killed, and the annoying mages thankfully sacrifice themselves to save the important characters.

Much better.

Kain dragoon jumps onto the ship and demands a crystal in exchange for Rosa. They go to the tower (surprise) in which she's held and Golbez takes the crystal, though Tellah sacrifices himself by using meteor to injure Golbez and release Kain from his mind control. It's ok though, because through the Force, Tellah becomes more powerful than anyone could imagine and helps them win the final battle. They rescue Rosa (surprise) and get the fuck outta there. Then the shit hits the fan. Suddenly, it's revealed that Golbez needs underground crystals to go to the moon (the fuck?) and they find him underground fighting dwarves (seriously, where did this shit come from?) and he wins, though his army is defeated thanks to Rydia, who is now a grown woman. Who woulda thought being shat out by Leviathan would have such healthy consequences?

Then Golbez gets the last crystal by controlling Kain again (who he has actually had control of all along, go figure), and it ends up that there's been a ship all along that can take them to the moon so everything ends up ok as they board the ship called the Lunar Whale (lmao). It ends up that Cecil is half moon-man, Golbez is his brother under mind control of the moon-man leader, and that the moon-man leader, Zeromus, wants to eradicate earth's living creatures for the sake of all moon-kind. After hours of power-leveling, you might beat the game, otherwise you'll get tired and never see the shitty ending, in which nothing happens anyway. Seriously, the game is so laughably easy until you get to the moon, and then suddenly you'll need to train about 40 levels to even have a shot against Zeromus. Wtf is up with that? Oh, and the annoying mages get revived (bullshit).

7.5/10

Assassin's Creed

2012-03-20T20:16:00.001-07:00

Ass Creed

Assassin's Creed, henceforth referred to as Ass Creed, is a highly overrated game by Ubisoft. While a core of gamers and critics consider it nothing more than a "good" game, I consider it a "shit" game. Most gamers love Ass Creed though, and I often see it ranked as one of the greatest games of this generation. My ranking would put it alongside greats like Resident Evil 5, Gears of War, and Dragon Age: Origins.

I believe I can fly...

While there are many minor problems with this game, the crippling flaw is that, like with many other games I've listed, Ass Creed is just so boring. From its repetitive mission design to its slow, tedious combat, it's mind-numbingly boring. You always have to do several little missions before you can do an assassination, but you do the same goddamn thing over and over again. Give us some variety for Christ's sake! You constantly get into fights with guards, who come at you one at a time like in an action movie. These "fights" consist of waiting for one guy to swing, countering, waiting for another guy to swing, countering, over and over again while holding the block button in between. You do this for HOURS. Then you run away until they can't see you and hide somewhere for a while. It would be ok if the assassinations were awesome, but they're just average.

Don't worry, they can only come at you one at a time.

Then there's the issue of almost no adventuring, despite the huge world. This is because the Animus will only show certain areas at one time, and a large section for you to actually explore won't be available until very late in the game. Every once in a while you get to ride your horse from one city to the next, with fucking nothing to do in between (think Twilight Princess, with many mindless NPCs everywhere). Talk about dull adventuring. At least it's kinda funny when you trample someone with your horse. Is that about it? I think so. Oh, the story also sucks, and then there's the whole underlying sci-fi shit to make it even worse.

3.5/10

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

2012-03-19T18:11:00.000-07:00

Call of Duty 6: Modern Warfare 2

Now, Call of Duty gets a lot of hate on the internet along with the love. The hate, especially for the games following the original Modern Warfare, has probably outweighed the love. So why the hell am I going after a more recent Call of Duty instead of Call of Duty 4? Easy: Because this one is soooooo much easier to make fun of. And actually, even though the first Modern Warfare had a craptastic, casualized multiplayer, it was still revolutionary on consoles, and the single player wasn't bad at all. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2? It's not just a bad game that is hilariously overrated by critics, it's a total abortion.

The first problem that was widely overlooked because most people didn't even play the single player (the retarded masses much prefer casualized multiplayer to anything else) was that the campaign is only about five hours. How the hell does a "great" development team like Infinity Ward get two years to make a game with virtually no changes to the graphics or multiplayer (or single player for that matter) but can only manage to give us five hours with the campaign? Especially when it just sucks anyway. And when about a third of it is spent doing shit like riding snowmobiles, climbing a mountain, and trying in laughable vain to match Ghillies in the Mist from Call of Duty 4.

GO GO GO!! WE CAN'T LET THE RUSSIANS TAKE OUR WHOPPERS!!

But there is a lot of exciting action (albeit completely set around set pieces as if Infinity Ward was like "This would be a cool idea, and this too, and THIS, let's just set up the rest of the game around these ideas!"), and if you're a tard, then I'll give you a pass for liking it. Because this is easily one of the most retarded games ever made. So, an American is sent undercover to kill Russian civilians and apprehend Macaroni, but the Russians knew the whole time he was American, so they kill him, resulting in Russia automatically believing the Americans were behind the entire attack (because the Russians apparently looked further into the agent's identity, but didn't even bother to follow-up on the DOZEN other attackers before deciding on starting a world war), resulting in a Russian invasion of the eastern United States (lmao) and war commencing.

Yeah. Snowmobile shootout.

Then a whole bunch of shit suddenly happens. One team goes to Brazil because that's where Macaroni's weapons dealer was for whatever fucking reason (we know they just wanted an excuse to go to Brazil). The fight in the United States continues, with soldiers fighting frantically to protect Burger King and a convenience store from the invading Russians. Then we go to Russia, where it ends up that Captain Price is still alive even though we saw him die in Call of Duty 4, though I guess it's possible the soldier that pounded on his chest was actually just pissed because Captain Price slept with his wife. Anyway, Price takes control of the group, which goes and captures a nuclear submarine that fires above the United States, destroying the International Space Station and creating an EMP, resulting in aircraft raining down on the streets like meteors.

Price and company go looking for Macaroni, but General Shepherd turns on them, revealing that he was behind most of the shit because he's still mad that a bunch of towel-heads ended up nuking his men. So he sets up the slaughter of countless other soldiers and American civilians to get some imaginary revenge. Price and Soap and everyone actually decide to make a deal with Macaroni to kill Shepherd, and despite the impossible odds, shock all of us by getting the job done. That's what happens in Modern Warfare 2. And yet people argue that this story makes perfect sense, once again proving that most gamers are fucking retarded.

Changing the meaning of the phrase "bringing a knife to a gunfight."

Let's move on to the multiplayer, the co-op being the only redeeming factor here. It's still the casualized bullshit it's been since Call of Duty 4, with few tweaks. There are still a lot of narrow maps, and there are few situations in which you'll actually find yourself working as a team. It's become more of a knife-fest than ever before, and if you bring a gun to this knife-fight, then so God help you. You can even throw them now for instant kills; you might as well go bare-hand against a grizzly bear for all the chance you have against a Call of Duty knife-wielder. Oh, and you get rewarded for sucking, through a system called "deathstreaks." Because Infinity Ward actively strives for the most casual games in existence.

4/10

Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops

2012-03-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

Key word is "Portable." As in, it can't even compare to Metal Gear on console.

Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops was hailed as one of the greatest games to hit the PSP system upon its release. To this day, it's still claimed by many to be the greatest PSP game of all time, at the very least top 5. Irrefutable proof that the PSP is one of the biggest jokes ever.

If a game with broken controls that will take gamers back to the N64 days (when auto-aim and control pad aiming was ok because outside of the PC, we didn't know any better), graphics that constantly display lengthy texture tears, and boring-ass missions that will see you spending hours dragging enemy soldiers back to specific points so you can force them to join your team, is one of the best games on the system, then you know there are some serious problems with it.

You're going to spend many hours capturing bad guys to join your team.

The worst part about this game is definitely the controls, unless you just want to go shooting your way through every mission, in which case the auto-aim might work for you. But some of the missions are extremely difficult if you go in guns blazing, so you're definitely going to need to learn how to take precision shots. Which means careful aiming with the crap control pad controls while moving the crap analog nub. If you're ever in a situation in which you take a shot and then realize you need to take another in a hurry, then God be with you. Taking multiple precision shots in a row is true hell.

You'd think the guy on the left would just take the hint.

The main criticism aimed at Portable Ops is that it is too short, which is true, but shouldn't even be fucking noticeable in the midst of other actually serious flaws. The really astounding thing (which makes me lose faith in video game critics nowadays) is that the complaint is specifically directed at the game's short length in hours, and not how half of that time is spent carrying enemy soldiers across the map to join your team. And then how your team goes to the missions hiding in cardboard boxes the entire fucking time until you need them instead of actually being worth something in-game.

Did I mention how beautiful this game was? Yeah, it looks great, resulting in PSP fanboys claiming it as far superior to anything the DS could ever dream of making. While partially correct because the DS has its fair share of shit, these fanboys don't take into account the constant texture tears and lag that results due to these great visuals, nor do they take into account that the game sucks regardless, unless you're one of those people who derives pleasure from just looking at a game, in which case you're probably an idiot anyway. The last boss is especially ridiculous because it manages to play at an unsteady 5 fps. But at least it marks the end of a horribly boring game that doesn't deserve Metal Gear in its title any more than golfers deserve to be called athletes.

5/10

My Most Overrated Game of 2011

2012-03-17T19:03:00.003-07:00

It's getting a bit late to still be talking about 2011, but I've got to do this. I'm choosing a game that's not only overrated in my so very humble opinion, but one that I feel just completely sucks as well. While there are a lot of games I feel have a shot at this award, there's one in particular that received great reviews and yet managed to be utter garbage. You can expect it to get a full review as to why it sucks in the future.

That's right, Crysis 2 is my most overrated game of last year. In short, it's a cookie-cutter shooter that isn't even as visually impressive as its predecessor, and is just so goddamn boring. Perhaps it could've overcome the absolute boredom because there are plenty of highly rated games these days that I find to be just as bad, but its predecessor was so good (meaning I got this huge letdown feeling) and its also totally simplified from it. I guess this is to help the generally more retarded console gamers to not have any problems.

Gears of War

2012-03-16T16:50:00.001-07:00

Gears of Bore.

Huge guns? Check. Muscular, homoerotic men? Check. Online multiplayer? Check. A single-player that revolves around constant action? Check. Blatant plagiarism of other franchises? Check. Looks like we've got the recipe for an extremely popular game. Or, in other words, a game that really sucks.

Outside of the online multiplayer, which is pretty good (though not so much for me being a single-player gamer), I've long been incredulous that people actually find the campaign "epic," "thrilling," "innovative" (gtfo), and whatever else. The only inventive thing here is the well-done cover system, and damn do they ever force you to make use of it. In fact, probably 80-90% of this game will see you ducking behind cover, shooting, running to more cover, throwing nade into hole, and then repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat, etc etc. Yeah, fucking THRILLING. As with virtually every other game I've bashed so far, be it God of War or Dragon Age or Resident Evil 5 (which is a ripoff of this game lmao), anybody who is not easily amused by BOOM BOOM BLOOD will be bashing their head in with the nearest blunt object within an hour of starting this game. Thank GOD the sequels learned to mix the action up some, because otherwise constant facial abuse would have my face in similar condition to the guy's from Mask.

The Kryll!! Wait.. didn't I see these things in some Vin Diesel movie?

Let's look at the egregious unoriginalities in this game next. First, you fight against the Locust which look like orcs with guns. But that's ok cuz orcs are cool. Then you've got the taken-from-Halo story which was taken-from-The Lord of the Rings or whatever-other-story about Man-is-fighting-a-brutal-war-hopelessly-out-manned-and-outgunned. But I'll give this a pass too because there are so many other games that do the same. But it just gets laughable when you see the blind Berserker, ripped straight off of Resident Evil 4's Garrador. The main scene in which you fight it in Gears plays out in almost the exact same way too! Apparently, somebody told the developers how much of a ripoff they were, and so the Berserker isn't seen in Gears 2 and is slightly tweaked in Gears 3. And then there's the Kryll, shamelessly ripped out of the movie Pitch Black, and the developers don't even give a shit because one of the characters even makes reference to how hard getting past the Kryll would be because "it's pitch black." Laughably, the level isn't even hard (like the rest of this cakewalk of a game). And then there's the thing with the long legs from The Matrix, but the ones in Gears look a little different, so I won't complain too much there.

The Gears characters love penetrating their enemies with long, sharp guns.

Ok, so obviously this game is like God of War in using blood and guns as its selling point instead of blood and guns and GOOD GAMEPLAY. You get virtually nothing but action and the obligatory driving level. But additionally, this has got to be one of the most homoerotic games ever made. Every main character is a heavily muscled male with a gruff voice and hot temper. The most famous part of this game's combat is using the Lancer gun to chainsaw your enemies. And man, the Gears team loves penetrating Locusts with their long, hard guns. Usually, they ram the Lancer into the Locusts from the front in a peculiar missionary style, but they also like to get them from behind in the more brutal doggie style. Sometimes, two guys will gang up on one, typically with one taking whatever urinary orifice the Locusts possess and the other taking the anus or Locust equivalent of such. In the multiplayer, it's not rare to see male "rape chains" in which one person gets penetrated from behind, somebody sees and wants in on the action and penetrates the original offender, another person enters the fold and waits for the latest exchange to end before taking the survivor from behind, and so on. The victim will often shake with orgasmic pleasure upon insertion of the Lancer phallus.

5/10

Dragon Age: Origins

2012-03-15T22:19:00.001-07:00

Um. This game sucks.

I love Fantasy, I love role-playing games, I love epic battles, I love dragons, I love ages, and I love origins. So if a game has all of the above and still manages to suck such asshole, then there is something really wrong. Quite frankly, I believe BioWare paid off websites to make sure this game received universal acclaim. I can see how most gamers these days are stupid enough or blinded enough by what everyone else says to like a game like this. But how gaming journalists, people who typically have been gaming their entire lives, can play a game broken in virtually every respect from its The Lord of the Rings ripoff story to its combat that doesn't pick up until halfway through, its long-winded and boring dialogue, its lack of significant choice-and-consequence, its art direction that ranges from banal to hideous, its repetitive quests, and yet STILL rate this as one of this generation's greatest games is honestly just unbelievable.

The orc army leaves Minas Morgul under the gaze of the Nazgûl.

I'll start with the story, which is, as I've said, a complete ripoff of The Lord of the Rings. And yes, Dragon Age fans, it is a ripoff when you take every other idea from Tolkien. There's a difference between being influenced by him and just plagiarizing his ass and Dragon Age crosses that line by a mile. You can choose several different characters to start with, and each one changes the ending slightly and gives you a different opening scenario. You then go to Osgiliath, which is the fortress city that stands guard over the orcs and the darkness that comes with them (you know, like in The Lord of the Rings when orcs take over places it gets blighted, like Minas Ithil becoming Minas Morgul). The orcs are corrupted elves, humans, and dwarves like they are in The Lord of the Rings. Anyway, the king is slaughtered after one of his greatest generals leaves the battle, and Osgiliath is overrun, meaning the orcs have an open path to Minas Tirith.

As one of two surviving Grey Wardens, it's your job to build an army by gaining the support of the earl in Edoras, the mages in Isengard, the dwarves of Moria, and the elves of the Woodland Realm. Then you need to put Aragorn, your party member and true king of Ferel- I mean Gondor, on the throne. The return of the king will provide much-needed stability to the country. So when the orcs make a diversionary move to Edoras and catch everyone off-guard (which makes perfect fucking sense because how can't you mistake a few thousands orcs for the entire army when you already know there are hundreds of thousands in their ranks?), the vast majority of their army moves on Minas Tirith. Then you kill the Sauron Dragon and died. Unless, of course, you make a deal with Morrigan to impregnate her and let her keep the kid which no sane person would pass up because who in the hell would choose death over sex, especially when the mother has already stated she won't even require child support. When that's the biggest choice you have to make all game, then wtf?

The mages live in a tower called Isengard.

Then we get stuck with all this fucking dialogue, where you can either be nice to everyone (pussy) or be an asshole to everyone (douche-bag). But you have to sit through sooooo much of it, which might be all right if the story had even a hint of originality. The dwarves have a caste system to set them apart from Tolkien dwarves, but they're still stubborn turds, and the elves are mortal and live in squalid conditions after years of human subjugation, yet they're still arrogant and belittling. But enough about that shit. The combat doesn't help matters either. We get MMO style point and click, then wait for the battle to end. Later in the game it picks up big-time as strategy and making correct commands are important, but through the first half of the game, it often just sucks. The real bad thing is how repetitive the quests are. They're soooo very long-winded with soooo many battles, that you'll probably have a headache shortly after you leave Osgiliath. Not only that, but the side quests are pretty much all the same as well, leaving me to just say "fuck all the people" and move on with my life. I just don't get it; how is a game hailed as epic and deep be so goddamn boring?

Morrigan: The obligatory bitch.

I'm tired of typing at this point, but I guess I really need to point out my other big problem with this game. It's fantasy, and yet there is no adventuring. Imagine my shock, as someone who has experienced hours upon hours of Fantasy adventuring in The Elder Scrolls, The Legend of Zelda, Shadow of the Colossus, Alundra, etc, when I saw that traversing the overworld occurs on a map. Give me a fucking break. The adventuring in each level isn't even any good thanks to the lack of any kind of original or appealing art direction whatsoever. The cities look like any other Fantasy city I've ever seen, Isengard looks the same as it did in The Lord of the Rings, Moria is nothing special, and the Woodland Realm is an eyesore. So to sum it all up: Dragon Age: Origins is a banal Lord of the Rings clone that is tedious, ugly, and very lucky (though not for us) that Tolkien isn't alive to see the series shut down due to plagiarism.

5.5/10

God of War

2012-03-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

DO YOU LIKE MASHING BUTTONS AND BLOODZ AND SEXY TIME?

A game for easily amused people who like mindlessly pressing buttons and seeing blood fly everywhere. My most hated type of game and perfect for this blog. Of course, this is just one of those that I was all but forced to play by all of my friends who said it was AWESOME (retards) and shoved it down my throat. Already knowing that it was a hack-and-slash, I wasn't looking forward to starting it by the time I bought it. However, I freaking love Greek mythology and saw critical reviews raving about the story, so I certainly tried venturing into to it with an open mind. In fact, I went through all five of them (the PSP games included) with an open mind. Well, let's just say there is one positive here: I won't have to write a separate blog post for each one because they're all the same fucking game. Or maybe I will just to be an asshole. I haven't decided.

Kratos is pissed off. All the fucking time.

All right, let's get to the core reason as to why this game sucks, as do all of its sequels (God of War III pictured above). You get your main weapons and learn attacks throughout the game that are highly simplistic (even the later ones) with their button combinations. You get other weapons which can also be upgraded (through souls you receive from chests and killing enemies) to learn equally simplistic attacks. Then you get a magic bar so you can learn - you guessed it - simplistic magic attacks. Then there are other items and shit but none of it matters because it's all simplistic like everything else. So like many games of the last two generations, God of War can be easily enjoyed by the mentally retarded. And it's not even so much the simplicity of the game as it is that you're constantly button-mashing throughout 75% of the game. How you can play this game for more than an hour before caving your own face in I don't know. They do mix up the action better in the sequels, but the original is just lackluster in this regard.

DURR!! BLOOD!!

The other fourth of the game will see you doing two things: solving puzzles and fighting giant boss battles. The latter sucks in the original God of War. All the bosses are almost the same fucking fight (until Ares, which is admittedly epic), doing the same shit you've been doing the rest of the game. Not to mention laughably easy unless you're playing on the hardest difficulty (in which the god-awful hit-detection will become strikingly obvious). The puzzles in this game are actually pretty solid; even a veteran puzzle-solver like me was stopped for a few moments on a couple of occasions. I'll give them props here, as God of War II holds a similar strength. But why the fuck did they simplify the games in this regard for the sequels? Because they already knew 99% of their audience was retarded? And I'm not even going to discuss the platforming. I don't count making a few jumps every now and then as such.

Kratos is so badass he runs across the sky to rip that thing's eye out.

But ok, we know why this game is so laughably simple: to appeal to people who are amused by blood flying and sexual themes (the majority of gamers, especially so for Americans). The entire selling point of this game is blood and sex. They don't want the game rated AO, so of course you only get one brief scene per game with some whores, which you can't even see on screen while Kratos goes to work (games today like Red Dead Redemption are lolzing). How this is so infinitely amusing to some of you... well, you get the picture. It's just amazing that nerdy virgins play through the majority of a game, hands wringing like a grandma with cerebral palsy, just to press some buttons and see the screen shake. Oh, and about the QTEs: almost always the sign of a weak game when they have to resort to timed button pressing so much. The story is solid and I love the Greek Mythology, but you're going to need a lot more than that to impress The Gaming Connoisseur.

6/10

Final Fantasy VIII

2012-03-14T20:23:00.003-07:00

See the characters on the cover? By the end of the game, you'll wish the bottom 3 had all died.

Let me start off by saying that I know a lot of Final Fantasy fans hate this game. I know few people consider it the best game in the series. However, I also know that there are a lot of fans who ardently love it. I'm here to ridicule those of you who fall into the last category. And because it's time for me to start explaining why some of the older classics suck alongside newer games.

I'll go ahead and admit that the early portion of the game (mostly disk one) was enjoyable. But it really goes to shit after that. It's bad that it starts off all school drama, but at least it was interesting for a little while, outside of Squall being the worst character in the series. But then they meet up with Rinoa, who likes Squall for no particular reason and decides through unspoken consent to gang up with his group. They always have to rescue the bitch because she's your typical damsel in distress (more on the characters later), but eventually they try an assassination attempt on Edea. And this is where it hits the fan. Squall is seemingly killed but then regenerates (unless you believes theories "he was dead the whole time" bullshit) and the story jumps all over the place but I can't tell you all that happens because I didn't give a shit. They go to a city that is behind some kind of fucking invisibility veil, a rocket thing shoots them to the moon (this really comes out of nowhere), the moon gives birth to a bunch of monsters that start attacking the world, the group travels to Ultimecia's time-compressed castle floating above the world (or some shit like that), Squall and Rinoa end up floating in outer space but Squall saves her or something and then they're saved by deus ex machina, at one point all the main characters learn that they grew up in an orphanage together with Edea looking after them but can't remember any of it. I seriously can't be making this up.

What in the fuck?

This is the worst cast of characters Final Fantasy has ever seen, and one of the worst cast of characters in video game history. That is really saying a lot. Squall is an emo who can't interact with society (what was Square Enix's obsession with these types of personalities back then?), and yet everybody loves him, even the hot girl. Why? I've never in my life seen an emo get a smoking hot girl (or typically any girl at all), much less be so goddamn popular. All of the girls love his ass for no particular reason; I guess the nerd game developers are using Squall as a means of picturing their own emo selves getting lots of vagina. And then there's damsel-in-distress Rinoa who can't take care of herself and whores herself off between Squall and Seifer. And she can shove her little dog up her pussy for all I care. Seifer is Squall's rival and becomes Edea's knight, but doesn't play a role throughout the last third of the story. Then there's Zell, the cool-dude punk who becomes annoying after the first five minutes he appears in the game. Selphie is the happy-go-lucky character of the game, who manages to keep her sky-high spirits even after her former Garden, Trabia, is obliterated and almost all of her childhood friends incinerated (lol I'm serious, she is sad for about 7 seconds before moving on). Then there's the sniper-cowboy (?) Irvine who acts like a cool customer but melts down and shits his britches when it's actually time for him to pull the trigger. Then of course there's Quistis, but she is the red-headed step-child (figuratively) of the group and nobody even gives a shit about her. Oh, and everybody likes Laguna, who is better than the rest of the characters, but appears only in dream/flashbacks, so isn't enough to overcome the rest of the cast's suckage.

Your base: Balamb Garden. It flies, swims, and holds a boxing match with another Garden.

The other aspects of the game aren't quite as bad, but still not good. The combat revolves around the easily-abused Junction system, which is kinda cool in the way that you can earn summons and then learn a lot of awesome attacks through them, but if you don't figure out how to master the system (which includes learning how to stock up spells to increase your stats, which is what can REALLY be abused) you might be screwed by the end of the game. Otherwise, it's extremely easy. They also made the decision to have your enemies level up with you (like in Oblivion), which I've always thought of as retarded. Leveling up is worthless here. There are some side quests in getting summons as well, though knowing where to get materials to upgrade your weapons will be very hard on a first play-through. I guess I'll give some complements before calling it a day. The graphics were great for the time (way better than the puke that was Final Fantasy VII's graphics), and the music was solid. Rinoa has one of the best character models in the series. The end.

6/10

Resident Evil 5

2012-03-14T03:15:00.001-07:00

Capcom: Killing an entire series with just one game.

I'm going to start with the story (this game doesn't even deserve an introduction) partly because Resident Evil isn't known for having a deep plot to begin with, and yet this one manages to suck so much in that aspect that it has to be brought up. So the game starts with Chris Redfield being sent to Africa. We'll just stop right there. Since when has the world given a shit about Africa? So many problems in America and Europe, but they go to Africa? Gtfo. Anyway, Chris gangs up with a hot mixed blood girl (mostly because they couldn't stand to make an actual black woman a main character in a key franchise, and also to lessen the perceived racism of a white man slaughtering a bunch of black people by himself) named Sheva to stop a guy from selling a bio-weapon (never seen this story before). To make a long and very boring story short, Albert Wesker is somehow still alive and controlling everything, as is Jill Valentine (being controlled by Wesker, I literally meant what I said about him controlling everything, and with a fucking mind-control device too). Wesker turns into a huge tentacle-armed monster and everyone kills his ass. It ends with Chris going all philosophical on us.

Chris Redfield age 25 (left) and age 35 (right). Kids, this is why you should definitely take steroids.

Ok, let's move on from the story, which isn't the focus of the game anyway. It's a zombie-killing game, so let's talk about killing zombies in Africa. The first strange thing is that about a fourth of the zombies are white. Obviously, Capcom got tired of the racism charges, so they felt the need to replace many of the black zombies with white ones. I feel like giving them a thumbs up for taking a stand against racism, but since they couldn't even make a true black character a protagonist and instead stuck with a mulatto, they lose any credit I was going to give. Anyway, as everyone knows, the gameplay in Resident Evil 5 is similar to that of Resident Evil 4. Which was good back in 2005, but sucks now. Yeah yeah, it's better than old Resident Evil tank controls, I know, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. You still can't shoot while moving, which is awful in a game that is completely action-based. In fact, they had to slow the tougher monsters down significantly just so that it wouldn't be frustrating. The chainsaw zombies even pause for a moment before cutting your head off.

No worries, it gives you plenty of time to get out of the way.

Almost everywhere you go, there are an abundant of places to take cover like in Gears of War. Except the cover system completely sucks in comparison, and you'll definitely find yourself slipping out at the wrong moment and getting punished on the higher difficulties. There are no scary moments in this game, not even pseudo-creepy moments like there were in Resident Evil 4. The Lickers even suck now (pun actually unintentional); how the hell did they manage that? There are a lot of set-pieces here as well, including riding a boat around (boring) and shooting at pursuing zombies from a jeep (snooze). The "best" part is playing online, which is better because then you don't have to suffer through an idiotic computer-controlled partner. You can keep saving money to buy upgrades and stuff, but it's pretty much the same shit game that is all action, horrible puzzles (remember these actually being decent in Resident Evil 4?), and laughable Call of Duty-esque set-pieces. The graphics are the only positive aspect in this entire game. I know a lot of gamers have figured out the magical way to "play graphics," but if you're not one of those people, then stay the hell away from Resident Evil 5.

4.5/10

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

2012-03-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

Ocarina of Time with boring wolf gameplay.

The Legend of Zelda is a long-established franchise with a lot of fans, which makes it ripe for picking when its games turn out to be below-par. Twilight Princess garnered universal critical acclaim, only GameSpot among the gaming journalism giants daring to say it was less than AAA-worthy. My God, even GameSpot was egregiously generous.

Hyrule Town is loaded with NPCs that wander around mindlessly.

One of the first things you'll notice is that the over-world is an empty, ugly mess, and that's putting it lightly. The first time you leave the forest and Ordon Village, your jaw might drop at the massive field in front of you. After riding around a bit and realizing there is literally nothing to do in that field, you'll feel the first in a long line of disappointments. I know a lot of Twilight Princess fans argue that it contained slightly more things to do in its over-world than Ocarina of Time, which is exactly the problem. With an over-world that is several times larger than that of Ocarina of Time, it should have SEVERAL times as much stuff to do, not just "slightly" more. But even if we ignore the empty fields of Hyrule (why aren't there more towns??), I still have to question some of the decisions in crafting that hideous world. The rolling hills of Ocarina of Time are replaced by ugly mountains and bottomless pits, and Hyrule in general is a convoluted piece of turd. You can't even access the vast majority of it at will until the very end of the game. You often have to blow up blockages with items you don't have until later, and Lake Hylia is a pain in the ass to get to as you have find tiny passages that lead all the way down (why the hell it can't be on similar elevation to Hyrule Town is beyond me, I guess they needed a reason to build that bridge over it for the horseback battle).

Coro is the first non-evil black character in Zelda. He is referred to as "lazy" and "worthless."

And then we get to the gameplay, loaded with many boring fetch quests that ruin the wolf segments of the game. I would say that being a wolf just isn't as epic as being a swordsman, but it turned out all right for Okami. I guess it was just the fetch quests that screwed it up (why the Zelda developers continue to insist on putting so many of those in the games, I don't know). Maybe it's also because the wolf combat just isn't well developed here. There's also the matter of learning new moves as regular Link. It's funny because I remember using the vast majority of these techniques as kid toon Link in The Wind Waker without training. Are you telling me a cartoon ten-year-old with a giant head naturally knows how to wield his sword to its fullest potential, but a seventeen-year-old with chain-mail armor needs to learn step by step? What kind of pussy is he? Having to manually use your moves in Twilight Princess also makes the combat a lot choppier by comparison. Not that it matters, because you'd seriously have to try to die to ever see the game over screen, and even then you'd probably still handily defeat any of the bosses. Another argument from the Twilight Princess faithful: the bosses are among the best in the series because they're HUGE. Yeah, well, I can start a fight against any of those bosses, go take a diarrhea dump, and still have enough life to win easily by the time I got back.

Be sure to say hi to Zelda. Seriously, you only see her like three times.

Let's move on to the story. Parts of it were pretty good, most of it sucked. Not to be cliché, but it had no heart. You start off as a farm boy, completely original in the world of Fantasy. You have a childhood sweetheart named Ilia, like a combination of Saria and Malon from Ocarina of Time, but she doesn't play a crucial role in the story despite being set up to do so. She bitches Link out at the beginning over Epona, then you have to get her memory back, and then she's gone. Zelda barely appears as well, and her encounter with Link at the final battle is actually their first meeting when both are in human form (did Nintendo even think that through?). She's also still called "Princess" Zelda despite clearly holding the throne. How stupid is that? Midna is a great character, but benefits from being the best of a bad situation. Zant was awesome as well, then he goes all Charles Manson on our asses. How they managed to ruin such a great character, I'll never truly comprehend. Also gotta love the location of the final battle. A Link to the Past's is in the golden pyramid of the Dark World, Ocarina of Time's is on the ruins of Ganon's castle, The Wind Waker's is in sunken Hyrule with the oceans of the world pouring on all sides. Twilight Princess's occurs in a field.

7/10