Forever Family - A Waiting Child Adoption (Special Needs Older Child Adoption From China)

For the Dads on the Fence

2012-02-13T23:46:00.001-05:00

Every now and again, I feel compelled to talk to the Dads out there. The new Dads, the old Dads, the soon to be Dads, and even the 'WhoooMyGoshHowDidThisHappenToMe' Dad. We sometimes, bless our little souls, feel inadequate to be a father. Kind of lost in the parental landscape dominated by Moms.

Bing with a couple friends, 2 lovely little girls who are ADORABLE!

Yes sir, right from the 1st time we got pregnant, my wife had books like 'What to Expect When You Are Expecting'... and it was a thick book! It talked about about the baby stages of development, the zygote stage, the embryonic stage, the platypus stage. It talked about changes in the mothers body, mood swings, things to look forward too, and stories of joy and happiness!

I got a similar book, except it was really just a hand written note by a fellow father which simply read "Crazy. Expect Crazy."

With Adoption, all the books are about attachment, and disorders, and getting in touch with ones feelings and emotional connections to your child and bonding... stuff. These type things fall distinctly in the realm of the womanly way of dealing with things. If these books were written by Men, for Men, they would be that same as that hand written note from my fellow father all those years ago... "Crazy. Expect Crazy."

Then, when the kids get a little older, there are Mom and Tots play groups, Coffee Breaks for Moms, Moms Group at Church and so on and so on. All these wonderful ways to build a healthy relationship between Mom and child. A very woman dominated society in raising the children.

Men do have something similar... except that we leave the children at home with the moms, and we go play golf.

Yes, society has done a wonderful job of isolating us men AWAY from the process of "children". There is little encouragement (except for our wives BEGGING us to actually be active participants in the process) for us to get involved with the pregnancy, early years or emotional side of adoption. And when we DO try to get engaged, we feel that we are invading the Mothers Turf.

I remember one time that I went to the Neo-Nazi-BreastFeeding-Womans-Group... er, La Leche League, and I think EVERY woman there wanted to kill me for being a man (including my own wife). It's a wonderful group though, seriously, which helps new Moms learn how to breast feed. Look ladies, if I could lactate, I would have! It's not my fault I don't have Mammary Glands! Us Dads are reduced to spectators in the child rearing process more than we would like!

Well enough of it! So I figured it was about time someone stood up for us DADs, and found us some good role models!!! So what better place to turn than the Bible... Lets look at some Dad role models in the Bible to encourage us DADs in our quest to be better Fathers and Husbands!

Adam (Genesis and referenced in many other books of the Bible as well)

Key to Fame: 1st Dad in the Bible... well, except for God.
Outstanding Parental Achievement: ... um, fathered most of man kind.
Results of Parenting: One of his children killed 25% of the worlds population (Cain + Able, Gen. 4)

Okay, maybe NOT the best example... let me find another one...

Abraham (Genesis 22)

Key to Fame: Considered the father of Israel. Still had game into his 90s!
Outstanding Parental Achievement: Had 2 sons. Many descendants, countless as the stars in the sky.
Results of Parenting: Almost sacrificed one of his sons on an alter. Kicked his other son (and his mother) out of the house at the tender age of 4(ish). The descendants of both sons are still at war to this day.

Ummmm... moving on!

Noah (Genesis)

Key to Fame: Built a big boat.
Outstanding Parental Achievement: With his sons and daughter in laws, they re-populated the earth.
Results of Parenting: After getting off the boat, and being stuck for 40 days and 40 nights with his kids, he immediately got drunk and passed out (Genesis 9:20~24).

David (Samuel, wrote many books in the bible as well)

Key to Fame: Killed the giant Goliath. King of Isreal (or at least most of what is Isreal today, Judah and, oh just go ask Pastor B about it later). Was noted as having a 'Heart after God's own' (bad husband and friend though... seriously, had one of his best friends hand deliver his death sentence to his commanding officer).
Outstanding Parental Achievement: Had some kids.
Results of Parenting: One of his kids tried to kill him. David wound up having his kid killed in a battle over the throne. There might have been something about some woman and adultery and such...

Okay, you know what. Forget it. I'm just gonna skip on over this all and wrap this up before I get into more trouble.

So, WHY* point all this out?

Only to remind us DADs, that no matter HOW hard parenting looks...
No matter how SCARED we are about having kids...
... about Adoption.
... about pregnancy.
... about making mistakes.
... about being a bad Father.
... about feeling inadequate.
... about all those things and SO many more we are unable to articulate except though far off stares, the odd guttural grunting and cooking some meat on the bar-b-q as "protein based therapy"...

... is the simple truth that if THOSE guys up there, Adam, Abraham, Noah, David, YOUR Dad, MY DAD, or any other Man who has stood in the place of a father figure which may have been missing in your life...

IF they can do it. Then by the good graces of God, YOU and I can do it.

So lets stop being sidelined, stand up, and have the courage, strength and "lacking of common sense" that is required to thinking being a Dad is a good idea, and rush headlong into this Father-hood thing with all that is within us!

Even if all you can muster up today, is "You know, maybe we could consider adoption", I'm sure it would mean the world to your wife... and you just never know where that father hood journey might lead you...

... hopefully not to an alter trying to sacrifice one of your children though. That would be bad. Although, when they hit about 2 years old... totally understandable.

* == IF any of that Biblical information caught you off guard, go head on over to your local bible based church, and maybe find out what you've been missing!

Dreams Can Come True

2012-02-12T23:54:00.001-05:00

Happy Grammy Day! Or something... I donno... seems like in China, they have a celebration everyday, for something. So to get in touch with my children's Culture, I'm having a Happy Grammy Day party! So far, it is me, Facebook, and NBC Grammy coverage!

And since I'm absolutely sucking at getting posts up lately, I figured 'Hey, why not just post some of my Facebook conversations about the Grammys'!

... okay, even now, it doesn't seem like a good idea. But 2 minutes when I started this, it did.

Friend: The former American Idol girls, Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson are beyond incredible!! Pursue your dreams!
Me: I want someone to make me a ham sandwich... one day... oh one day.
Friend: That can be arranged : )
Me: You think?! Cuz its been 35 years... and I was starting to think maybe it would never come true for me! All those tears wasted on my pillow... *siiigh*
Friend: Sometimes dreams take time, hang in there ; P
Me: ‎*looks at the sleeping wife* Yes, sometimes they do come true... *pokes the wife* ... but apparently, not tonight. Maybe tomorrow... *wife mumbles something about 'getting my own darned sandwich'* ... or the next day.

I have dreams!

Dreams are a funny thing aren't they. Set them too high, you might be disappointed. Set them too low, and you never will full fill what you are capable of. And some of us, don't even know what dreams we have yet.

I'm still pretty sure that neither of my adopted kids were dreaming of ME. Maybe they dreamed of having a family, maybe not. Maybe they were happy where they were.

Love the baby pictures! So cute, not crying... lovely!

I got some great pictures from Bings Foster Family this past week. I mean, REALLY good pictures. Some even from when he was young-young... like a baby young. Which is amazing! Because we have none of these kinds of pictures for Ping.

But in the midst of me thumbing through all these pictures, it dawned on me "Hey, he was happy!".

Foster Family and Bing had many outings, this seems to be
a Disney-esque type park

He looked like he was having a blast with his Foster Family. And I think they thought they would have him forever. I don't know how this will come across, but I was almost sad that he was happy, and that the foster family was so great... I guess no matter how hard I try NOT to compare our son's new life against he old, I still do. And I REALLY want to feel like his new life is better... dose that make me a bad parent?

But I guess, the system works. Bing goes up for International Adoption, and he gets adopted. Now, the Foster Family has Fostered another Little Girl. So that means that 2 children now have families instead of one.

This is a good thing... I guess... but still, I'm not sure that Bing was really "dreaming" of me. I think he was having a pretty good time in China with his Foster Family.

Now, before that sounds all mellow dramatic and sad, I go back to "and some of us, don't even know what dreams we have yet." I do believe our family is a dream-come-true for Bing (in a humble way). Not that we were the ONLY dream. I believe a great many families could have been a 'dream-come-true' for Bing, including his Foster Family. But he is our dream come true as well. And one day, when he looks back on his life, I hope that he can look back and say "Yes, all my dreams have come true." Hopefully, some of those dreams will be because he was our son.

Oh, and a big shout out to my Fake-Brother-In-Law, whom he and his wife have begun the Adoption Journey as well!!! YAY! More dreams coming true!

Overwhelming Cuteness!

2012-01-31T08:00:00.000-05:00

So we are in the midst of celebrating the Chinese New Year... man, I'm telling ya, there is nothing like a 3 week long New Year party! We've had Chinese New Year Parties at School, at the Adoption Agency, we might even be doing one as a family, party, party, PARTY! Whooo-hooo!

Anyway, the cutest parts are seeing the kids get all dressed up and having fun. This year, at Chinese School, the children have started some of the Special Interest Classes. So BigD and MissG were taking the Art class, while Ping is taking the Chinese Dance class. At this years New Year party, Ping got to dance in the talent show! She was dancing to "Counting Ducks". Oh so cute!

Getting the Duck ready...

Me: So baby, this week at Chinese School you are going to dance your duck dance for everyone!
Ping: What? NO! You are so silly.
Me: What? No, I'm serious.
Ping: I don't duck dance!
Me: Yes, that little dance you have been practicing, you are a duck!
Ping: You kidding me?
Me: No baby! I'm serious!
Ping: Uuuuugh, Daaaaaaaad. You joking me.
Me: Why do you think we brought the duck costume home?
Ping: Really?
Me: Yes.

I think it was about here, when she had the costume on,
that she finally started believing me.

She was an adorable duck-y...

And while the duck was getting ready, MissG was playing Duck Duck Goose in class.
Who was very shy that day. Normally Ping hides with MissG, but without Ping there,
MissG was kind of shy. Showed me that when MissG has to "step up" and be the
big sister she does... even though it may be in her nature to be a little more shy.

Of course there was a Dragon Dance at the Chinese School party.

"I've already seen this before...", but pay close attention, he is
sitting on Mom's lap! And NOT crying. ;-)

Picture with the dragon head...

I mentioned overwhelming cuteness right?!

They are pretty cute...

At the Adoption Agency party, MissG and BigD both got to be the dragon heads for the Dragon dance.

"I'm a dragon! RwAAARRRrr!"

"And I'm cute!"

"Wait! I can be COY too!"

"Dad told me to stop... buuuut, I don't think he meant it"

"OOOH! I can HIT something!"

"My Dad made me do this..."

... I think his smile says enough.

But after a week long celebration with drums, cymbals, and general chaos, there is a small part of me that was asking "Why didn't we adopt from a quieter culture?!?" But then I see how cute they all are, and its like, awwwwww... pass the tambourine!

Pick a Reason

2012-01-30T21:51:00.002-05:00

Yea, I know, its been a while since I've blogged. Sorry about that. Really, I can't imagine why it has been so long... oh wait... right... 5 kids. I remember now!

Oh sure, he is cute, but you aren't the one stuck
listening to him screaming the first month straight

I've been getting a lot of questions lately about our Bing who came from Foster Care and how he has been attaching. So I figured maybe I should talk about that a bit. Now, it isn't like I've been sitting here doing nothing. I've started this posted and deleted it at LEAST 3 different times. I am finding it hard to blog about something a little more heavy than normal without coming across as a bitter, sleep deprived, overloaded, stressed out parent... when I realized, that I AM a sleep deprived overloaded stressed out parent!

So give me a little grace while I try to highlight some of the differences I've seen between Ping and Bing, and keep in mind that some of my observations may be based in Orphanage VS Foster Care realities, and some may be based in the reality that Ping and Bing are two different people, and they process things differently. So this is by no means a definitive list, correct list, insightful list, or complete list. It is not a list of X is better than Y. These are just some of my ponder-ings put down on digital paper to work though my tangled mess of emotions, thoughts and hopes.

Bing's Foster Family

So... here we go...

Parental Attachment

Ping: Did not know what a Mom or a Dad was. She knew the words, but NOT the meaning. Trust had to be earned and learnt from scratch. She had many "Moms" come and go at the orphanage. She did not fully understand that she is stuck with us... forever. As such, she would have a long road to attachment because she could not believe that when we said "I will love you, forever" that we actually meant, "I will love you, forever". She maybe thought, "Or love me until your shift is over."
Bing: Knew family. Knew what a Mom and Dad were to be. In fact, he had been with his Foster Mom and Dad since he was 20 days old. So he knew what a Mom and Dad were all about. They were to take care of him, to love him, and protect him forever. But, HIS Mom and Dad let him go. To go with some strange woman to a strange place, with a strange Yeti trying to talk to him in very poor Mandarin. As such, he has had a long road to attachment as well, because we have destroyed his trust in parents (by him loosing his parents) and we now have to rebuild that.

Siblings Attachment

Ping: Bonded quick with her siblings. I guess with 500 siblings at the orphanage, this came pretty easily with her. However, she was a little more aggressive and thought she had to fight for everything. Her siblings giving her stuff graciously seemed to catch her off guard and she had to learn to deal gently with others.
Bing: Bonded quick his his siblings. In his Foster Family he had siblings, so he knew how to share much better than Ping, but at the same time, he appears to have been spoiled rotten and the mere mention of the word "no" by his siblings would send him into a tantrum in which he would cry so hard that he either threw up or got a bloody nose.

Siblings are great!

Tantrums

Ping: Yes.
Bing: Yes.
Every 2 Year Old I've Ever Known: Yes.

Rejection

Ping: Rejected me big time. Would scream and yell at me in Mandarin. Would not be in the same room as me. When the Wife would leave, she would scream for the whole time the Wife was out. She would (once she mastered the English language) point out at every chance she could, that she did not love me.
Bing: Rejected the Wife! YAY! Okay, I feel a little bad that that makes me happy... but c'mon, finally ONE child likes me more! But there were tantrums with Mom, hitting and crying. But we are about 2 months home and he is already MUCH much better.
Every other TEENAGER I've Ever Known: Rejected both Mother, Father, Grandmother, Grandfather, Aunt, Uncle, Neighbour, Friend, Stranger and them selves.

So much nicer that she isn't yelling anymore

... to sum it up, your adopted child is going through so much trauma it is amazing that they turn out as well as they do. Foster Care, or Orphanage care, the bottom line is that they have lost everything, and their worlds have been turned upside down. There is no easy way to walk though this.

But there were differences between Ping and Bing. Both grieved heavily. However, Ping grieving was masked behind a veil of rage and anger. While Bing has been struggling though a cloud of sadness and fear.

You provide for them a loving environment, room to work though their loss, and a little bit 'o God thrown in there, and maybe things will turn out OK.

And even if things don't turn out OK, its hard to blame the adoption when the truth of the matter is, these poor children are stuck with US as parents. It is like blaming the car manufacture when you have an accident and you were the driver...

... unless you own an Saturn. Then it really IS the cars fault.

Happy 3rd Birthday Bing!

2012-01-17T01:00:00.002-05:00

Some people say that the 1st child is spoiled. You know, the ones who have all the photos taken, the little shoes bronzed and mounted on the fireplace mantle. I think this is absurd! The thought that any one child might be more important or special than another is an a front to the noble institution of parenting!

Why, take today for example. Today was Bing's 3rd Brithday! Y'sir... 3 years old.

And what did we do to celebrate it?! Well, lots! Let me tell you... we got this this here toy car... hold on, I know it is some where around here. I'll show it to you. I just have to move all these books *ungh* of SeniorK's first year photos... just *grrruf* a few *ungh* more... books. (20 minutes later)

Okay, so I got SenoirK's photo books out of the way... now, where is that toy car we got for Bing? Oh, wait... I think I know. It probably got put in the keepsakes box. You know... because it was our 1st birthday present for him! It is worth keeping forever.

I'll just start digging though this here box of keepsakes... hold on...

Oh look! MissG's art from Pre-Kindergarten... ... and kindergarten... and Seniour Kindergarten... grade 1... grade 2... miscellaneous crafts from Christmases dating back from 2004.

Hummmm... nope, Bings new toy car isn't there either. Hold on... I'll find it! It was great! We spend DAYS planning his party and gift! Oh wait, maybe it is by the Birthday cake we make... er, bought him... from... the corner store... on the way home from work. Because we forgot it was his Brithday today.

Now we didn't really FORGET. I mean, deep down, you know, in my subconsciousness I knew it was his birthday. Deep... deep down.

But it is NOT because he was our 5th child... IS, IS our 5th child! We have not lost him yet. Er, NOT lost him, period, full stop. We will not loose him. Oh snap... where is he now?! Hold on! I just have to check on him... right after I dig out of these medals from the other kids...

... Okay, so we have NOT lost Bing. No sir. He is safe and sleeping in his bed! Fully clothed. And, er, well, maybe we forgot to put him to bed. But he IS sleeping now! Comfy... you know... in the middle of his floor. Clutching his new toy car from his Birthday! So, you know, that counts... for something. We got him a gift he likes.

Okay, but this is NOT because of the fact that he is our 5th child.

No, sadly, I kinda blew his birthday simply because... well... we have 5 kids! And that's a lot to remember... you know... just having 5 kids.

So was his 1st birthday a little bit of a low key event?

Yea. Maybe.

But I think that was good for him. Too much chaos still upsets him and I'm not sure how he would have handled a big "to do"... or "shindig"... or "hooopla", or whatever them kids are calling these here party things.

And further more... I think deep down, my subconsciousness KNEW that a low key event would be best for Bing. So it was totally DELIBERATE that we kind of blew his Birthday.

... glad we've got the next 100 or so years to make up for it. :-)

But it was not because he was the 5th child! Nope. This was sheer forgetfulness.

Hey, you know, in a way this shows that we COULD have more kids! Apparently, after 5 you don't even remember the numbers 6 thorough 42. :-) I might have 6 kids right now! Or, like 12?! I wouldn't even know. :-)

The Floor

2012-01-12T01:07:00.002-05:00

Bing's room is *almost* complete!

The floor.
The unsung hero of any room.
Although the walls get all the glory and praise, the floor simply goes about it's work.
Day in, day out.
Lying there.
(Hopefully) Un-moving.
Not swayed by the adornment often lavished on the walls.
Not envious of the picturesque window panes over looking fields of flowers.
Content to catch the lint, dust and dirt from the sweaty icky feet upon which master it.
Nay, no feet master the floor.
The floor upholds the feet and give them a stable place to play, laugh, run and love.
The floor noble and strong.
Naked it lays in the open, no bright colours to mask any imperfections from years of serving quietly.
Forgotten by years of renovations.
While wall colours change, windows reframed, the floor remains.
But one day, the floor will look back over his life and feel contented that it did it's job with the utmost of dignity.
It matters not if the precious and beloved baby crawling across it ever stops,
picks up his wet soggy Cherios,
and with a nod of appreciation graces the floor with an affectionate smile of understanding as if to say,
Thank You.
Thank you for being strong enough that when my Dad held me in his arms and walked me for hours so I could sleep when I was too tired to be alone that you were there.
Thank you for being forgiving enough that when I was rough and played maybe a little to hard, you never rebuffed me, you never packed up your 1/4" Spruce sub floor and sulked in the corner leaving me to play on the bare frame of the house.
Thank you that when I took advantage of you, you never held it against me.
Thank you that when I ignored you, you always were there for me.
Thank you that when I compared you against floors I have known, that you simply smiled up at me and said, 'yes, but I am yours'.
Thank You.

So what do floors and parents of (any) children have in common?

Nothing!
Absolutely nothing!
I'm just complaining because for the last week or so, I've been sleeping on one!
Bings room is done(ish) and has been moved into his own room, with his own bed.
Only he hates to be alone! He wakes up SCREAMING and CRYING.
So I have to sleep in his room with him.
Except that I can't fit in his tiny little toddler bed.

No way the Yeti is fitting in there!

So I sleep on the floor.
On a Yoga mat.
With my arm craned awkwardly up and behind me desperately trying to hold onto his tiny hand while he sobs himself to sleep.

So !@$%$ you floor! You are hard and my back hurts! BAH.

Were you expecting something deeper and more insightful?

911, Police, Fire or Medical?

2012-01-09T09:57:00.002-05:00

Soooo, how was everyone's Holiday Seasons? Good? Good Christmas? Good New Years?
Yea, we were doing great... having a fun time... until Saturday. *siiiiigh*

Wife: Lets go tobogganing!
Kids: YAY!
SeniorK: Oh, do I have to?
Wife: Yes you have to! You will have a great time!
Me: Oh, do I have to?
Wife: We take them every year. It will be fun.

Look at all the ice on the hill... I'm sure nothing will go wrong!

And we were having fun! Bing *loved* the tobogganing! We were going down the hill together have a great time! He was laughing and screaming the whole time. But notice in the picture above... look at the hill conditions... pure ice. Oh the toboggan runs were awesome! SO fast! It was actually raining ICE this morning, and the sleds and coats were becoming brittle as they got covered in a thick layer of ice.

So who knew that this ice covered fast as heck hill would lead to this?

So not gonna be happy that I posted this.

SeniorK: Hey! Watch this! I'm gonna hit that JUMP at the bottom of the hill!

Me: Wow! Awesome height! You must have been like 5 feet in the air there!

SeniorK: YEAAAAAHHH!!! OOH YEAAAAAHHHHH!

*I leave to go play with Lukai*

Wife: I missed it! Can you do it again?

SeniorK: Sure!

*shoosh*

*whack*

*thud*

Wife: K?! K?!

Me: Hey, why is everyone running to SeniorK? And why isn't he moving?

From 40-feet away, I can see the Wife making the International Call 911 sign. It looks a lot like a penguin trying to do crotchet. One-Two-Perl-Two... or something. Anyway, I call 911 and the Ambulance comes and takes him away on a stretcher.

He probably won't remember any of this anyway...

Now, I've whacked myself in the head a few times, and I was a some what rough and tumble kid. I thought he would simply jump up, go "Ta-DA!" and carry on playing. But he was out cold! When he eventually did regain consciousnesses his eyes were wandering all over the place and now really focusing on anything. It took a couple of minutes for the ambulance to arrive, and by the time they got there, SeniorK was talking... but not making any sense. He was kind of babbling and repeating himself over and over again. He had forgotten that we had Christmas, and was obviously confused about which town we were in.

Boy it sucks as a parent seeing your child like that.

A couple hours later, he was done being x-rayed and scanned and poked and prodded, and left with a diagnosed Concussion.

And though all this, I had a couple of 'ah-ha' moments.

I know I've said it before, but:

Both times we have needed Ambulances have been when the Wife was watching the kids (this just makes me feel better... like I'm the "good" parent*).
What would the social worker say if this happened to one of our adopted children?
We can never take anything for granted, especially the health of our loved ones.

* = my co-worker pointed out that "You never break any dishes if you don't wash the dishes either"... I'm sure it was very profound in her native Chinese. But its a good point. Laws of Averages would lend itself to my wife damaging the children more than me just by sheer volume of activities. So maybe I'm NOT the "good"er parent.

Surprise Christmas Gift!

2011-12-26T00:00:00.001-05:00

I know I've been a little neglectful lately with the blog... it has just been really *REALLY* hard to find time to blog! And of my gosh, there is SO much to blog about.

Things I SHOULD blog about:

Differences between Adoption #1 and Adoption #2 in relation to Orphanage VS Foster Care
Bonding between the Wife and Bing, and the great progress made there
How I'm maybe just a little sad that the Wife and Bing are bonding... I really enjoyed being the favorite...
Grandparents visit and their experiences with Bing VS their early experiences with Ping
Home renovations and having 10 people in our home for almost two weeks with only 2 working bedrooms

But what I'm going to do, is go to bed, because I've been sick for a couple of days and really need to get some sleep. But before I go, let me tell you about a Surprise Christmas Gift we got recently.

I opened up my email to see a flurry of emails from Bings Foster Family, they had sent us a whole batch of pictures from when Bing was younger!

Now maybe it doesn't seem like much, but in contrast with Pings adoption, where we have NO pictures of her under the age of 3 1/2, these are golden! Love them! A nice surprise for Christmas.

Undiagnosed Special Need

2011-12-22T05:00:00.000-05:00

NOTE: I originally posted this on No Hands But Ours (NHBO), but decided to post here as well for those who may not subscribe to NHBO. Sorry if it is a repeat for some.

Well, out little Bing is home, and has been for the past three weeks or so. And he is doing great (at least with me).

HI! I'm HOME! And I'm CUTE!

For those who follow our Forever Family blog, you will know that Bing as some Special Needs.

When we got his referral, it stated that he did have Spinabifida. I know I've talked about Spinabifida time and time again, so I'm not going to cover it here.

Then, we found out two weeks before my Wife travelled to China to bring Bing home, that Bing had been diagnosed with another Special Need - Vitiligo. Which can be a minor cosmetic need, or a more severe auto-immune or thyroid condition. Again, I think I've covered Vitiligo a few times, so I'm going to move onto the 'Undiagnosed Special Need'

This 'Undiagnosed Special Need' is a rather bad one as well. It affects not only our little Bing, but the whole family. Not just our family, but it can affect almost everyone he has known. And in fact, there is no medicine to help, no surgical option and no guarantee that he will ever recover from it. And it is also the reason this post is a little late today... because I was dealing with it last night.

What is it? Keep reading.

Friend: So how are things settling down with Bing?

Me: Oh good. Better than expected.

Friend: So he has stopped hitting your wife and likes her now?

Me: I wouldn't say that. He gets along better with her.

Friend: Hummmm... I wonder why.

Me: Yea, I'm not sure...

Wife:  WHY IS HE CRYING?
Me:  I DON'T KNOW! LET ME TRY TO ASK HIM!
*I turn to the 'Screaming Wonder'(tm)*Me:  WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!
Wife:  ASK HIM IN CHINESE!
Me:  Oh, right. 为什么你哭了？
Bing:  我的妈妈回来！
Me:  He wants his Mom to come get him.
Wife:  WHAT?!
Me:  HE WANTS HIS MOM!
Wife:  I AM HIS MOM!
Me:  HIS OTHER MOM! THE ONE HE KNEW HIS WHOLE LIFE. HIS FOSTER MOM! BOY CAN HE EVER CRY LOUD!
Wife:  WHAT?

Me: Yea, can't figure it out. I wish he would give me a clue or something.

Me:  Why is his shirt covered in blood?
Wife:  Because he got a nose bleed he was crying so hard.
Me:  But he stopped crying!
Wife:  Oh... just wait a second... he will start again.
Me:  你好炎兵！
Bing:  *incoherent babbling*  爸爸 *more babbling* 飞机 *babbling* 回来！*begins crying again*Wife:  What is he saying.
Me:  Something about an airplane, and his Dad.

Friend: Do you think it is because your wife is the one who took him away from China?

Me: Yea, maybe. Bing had been in the same foster home since he was 20 days old. So really, the foster family were his mother and father. I don't think a two year old understands the concept of "foster".

Bing's Foster Sister (BFS):  We all miss Bing very much.
Me:  I know. He misses you all as well.
BFS:  I catch his Mom, everyday she looks at his picture you sent us and she cries.

Now, I am no Doctor. But when I was younger, I liked playing one. I am however, a Father. And as such, I feel I am distinctly qualified to diagnose our sons 'undiagnosed special need'. See, our son is suffering from a Broken Heart.

No, no CVT Valve, or holes in the muscle problems. Those are different... those types of Special Needs are commonly diagnosed as Heart Defects.

My son has a fine heart. No defects. It is however, simply broken.

And as his Heart continues to Break... so to do the hearts of his new Mother and new Father. His new brothers and sisters hurt for him, and his Foster Family back in Taiyuan miss him greatly and their hearts are breaking as well.

I have seen Broken Hearts render even the strongest man distraught and useless. I have seen Broken Hearts take years to heal, if ever at all.

Unfortunately, there is no surgery to fix his condition.

Time is often considered to be a healing factor... but time can also cause the pain to worsen.

I have no medicine.

No crutches.

No words to soften the pain.

Cuddles help... its like Tylenol(tm) for a Broken Heart

I have two arms strong enough to hold him when he cries, and a heart big enough to love him while he hurts... but I can not fix this Special Need.

I really wish they would list this special need on the Adoption Reports. Maybe it would help prepare the parents of these hurting children so we can better help and understand them. Give them more grace when they cry, and more patience when they push us away.

Hope, as one Broken Hearted child continues to heal her
broken heart, she can pass encouragement onto the others

And if you DO have a child who is suffering from a Broken Heart, you are not alone. I think almost everyone has had a Broken Heart at least once in their life. :-)

And always remember the words of the highly regarded Rick Astleys, who obviously was trying to overcome someone else's broken heart, their doubt in love and dealing with a difficult past in love. His words continue to help young people overcome Broken Hearts even today (20ish years after his initial writings were released):

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

IKEA and Normalization

2011-12-16T12:40:00.002-05:00

IKEA seems to be a common theme lately here at the Blog... trust me, I don't like it either.

Recently, Ottawa has become home to the largest IKEA in Canada. And there was great rejoicing! So here we go, opening night, and we drag down all the kids to the new IKEA. There were police everywhere directing traffic and keeping the chaos in check. Luckly, they were not needed.

Canada's Largest IKEA

I'm sure poor little Lukai was not impressed being strapped into a stroller for hours while we wander through wonderfully cheap Sweedish made home decor. But hey, this is just part of Lukais "normalization" into Canadiana and our Family. He might as well get used to IKEA... and Tupperwear. Maybe Party Light and Pampered Chef as well. I mean, these are going to be big parts of his life. :-)

The good news, is that children can "normalize" to almost anything.

Definition of NORMALIZE

transitive verb

: to make conform to or reduce to a norm or standard

: to make normal (as by a transformation of variables)

: to bring or restore (as relations between countries) to a normal condition

(from www.m-w.com)

So what IS "Normal" anyway?

From somewhere on the internet - if you own this, let me know...

Normal is pretty relative. For example, if a middle aged woman were to see me and my friends talking about Star Trek, TARDISes and time travelling Delorians... we might seem ODD. However, from OUR point of view, we are NORMAL, and someone who likes watching Oprah is the real ODD person.

What "normalization" looks like in Adoption is when your beautiful 6 year old adopted daughter walks by you singing the opening to Led Zeppelins 'The Immigrant Song' ...

In a very surreal moment while doing dishes, I hear this all too familiar "aaaaAAAAaaaah ah waaaaaaa AH!" from behind me. I turn around to see Ping walking slowly by as she begins the opening line again "aaaaAAAAaaaaah AH!". She pays me no notice as she slowly walks past, lost in her own imagination and singing Led Zeppelin.

I'm so happy that "normal" is relative... because that means that our family, as crazy as we may be, can be considered normal.

Yes sir. We have achieved "Normal"... what ever that may be. :-)

Some Pictures from Beijing

2011-12-11T20:05:00.001-05:00

Just a photo drop to keep the natives restless... or to pacify the natives? Or something. I donno. Sleep deprived still. SO looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow. As the Wife put it, "Vacation is Over" for me as I head back to work. Why is it, when I am home watching the kids all day, making the meals and doing chores at home, it is my "vacation". But when she does it... wait, 98% female readers... never mind. I'm done. Just look at the photos, and put the pitch forks down. :-)

Some fancy restaurant a friend in Beijing took them to...

I was getting by on re-heated lasagna... so glad that SHE went to China, and not me.

Going to the Blue Zoo in Beijing

Some tunnel under the giant aquarium... sharks swimming all around them apparently.

New Day Foster Care ... the compound? The Wife still hasn't
looked at the pictures with me to tell me what they are.

Oh yea! New Day, I was right!

On the way to New Day...

The 'meds' for New Day

Ooooh, Air Canada! Going home!

Pictures From Taiyuan

2011-12-09T09:12:00.001-05:00

So, I managed to recover the hard drive, no problems really, other than the usual.
Lets see, I pulled the hard drive, put it in an external drive enclosure, hooked it up to the other computer and voila! I could see the files! Started trying to copy them... then the fun started...

Me: Oh my gosh... its full of... files. Okay, copy files from external drive, to the computer...
Windows: These are not the files you are looking for.
Me: What? Yes they are. Look, right there in the folder!
Windows: I don't see any files.
Me: How can you not see the files! Look, there, in that folder... the one called Photos!
Windows: This folder?
Me: YES! That folder.
*bing*
Windows: What folder? The truth is, there is no spoon... er, file.
Me: WHAT?! Wait! Where did the folder go!
Windows: I told you there was no folder.
Me: GAH! What did you DO?!
Windows: You do not have permissions for that folder. It belongs to user {0ce4991b-e6b3-4b16-b23c-5e0d9250e5d9} .
Me: What?! That user is the user from the OTHER computer... where I took the drive from. Fine, I'll just assume control of the files... *typing furiously*
Windows: Yeti, what are you doing... Yeti?
Me: Nothing.
Windows: Would you like me to sing you a song?
Me: Sure.
Windows: *begins singing* START ME UP!!! If you start me up, I'll never stop! NEVER STOP!!!
Me: ... almost there.
Windows: I'm sorry Yeti, I can not allow you to do that.
*bing*
Me: GAH! What did you do now?! Okay, you know what, forget it Windows. I'm doing this old school! Where is my command prompt!
DOS: Would you like to play a game?
Me: Yes, lets play, "All your files are belong to us".
DOS: Okay... here are your files. You will be the owner of all the files in approximately 42 minutes.
Me: I love you DOS.
DOS: The nukes will be launched in 12 minutes however.
Me: WHAT?!
Fate: Oh, did you need power for your computer right now? *BAM*
Me: AAAAH!!! Did we just loose power to the whole hou... *BAM* ... oh, power is back on. We lost power... just... long... enough... to crash... the computer. Oh gosh! MY FILES! *frantic typing*
Windows: There are no files.
Me: I know there are. Stop playing.
Windows: I know I was messing with you before... but now, I'm serious. When you lost power, the ACL list corrupted. So now, I can't even see the files, to tell you there are no files.
Me: Noooo! Dang you, you danged dirty ACL list!
Windows: If it makes you feel any better, DOS says he just isn't that into you.
Me: I hate computers.

Anyway, long story short, eventually I DID recover the files, and yes, it really did go like that. We lost power and the file system really did get corrupted, but hey... now, once I can get the Screaming Wonder to stop screaming and let me have a few minutes, I'll start uploading photos.

Here are some from Taiyuan.

... octopus

BigD really ate that. I think that trumps the Croc me and SeniorK ate.
And yes, BigD really did eat it just to "one up" his big brother.

Brothers hanging out...

Just chill'n at the hotel...

Getting ready for the train from Taiyuan （太原） to Beijing （北京）.

Cool looking trains, a great way to see the country.

Technical Difficulties...

2011-12-04T07:31:00.001-05:00

... yea, you could say that. The wifes laptop has died. Taking along with it the bazillion pictures she took while in China. So I've pulled the hard drive and started trying to recover the files.

I got this...

While I much about with this, check out Braided Tresses - she managed to post some pictures of her Mom and everyone while they were in China getting Lukai.

It only took 5 Children...

2011-12-01T22:55:00.001-05:00

... but FINALLY one of them likes me!

I feel a little bad that this post is so long coming, but really, this is the first chance I've had to blog since Lukai came home. See, when he came home, he very very quickly bonded to me. Attached so quickly, so much more quickly than I ever imagined. I was like "Hey, Adoption is FUN! It's NOT just getting yelled at in Mandarin!"

Pastor Kim and my Fake Brother In Law Nat met us (and Lukai) at the airport ... again. :-)
As I saw Nat walking in, I noticed he had a CARS balloon for Lukai.
Then, about 30 feet behind him, I saw Pastor Kim with the same CARS balloon.
I thought that was pretty funny.

A whole blog post is going to have to be dedicated to MissG there,
she FINALLY gets to be the Big Sister she always wanted to be!
She following Lukai around the house, takes care of him, is always asking
"Daddy, can I give him a kiss?" And he has responded SO well to it!
He tackles her with hugs!

This is how he looks 95% of the time with me, smiling, laughing, having fun!

Gets along great with his siblings!

He has a BEAUTIFUL smile!

Another Blog (or two) is going to have to be how this adoption, has helped me
learn more about my other adopted child. Ping so WANTS to be a good big sister,
but she just doesn't know how to be a good big sister! She was almost in tears saying
"Why doesn't Lukai want to hold MY hand!"
My first reaction was "Because MissG spends time with him! You didn't even
want to stay home from school to meet him!" I did not say this. And I'm so glad
I bit my tongue. Because now I see, oooooh, she WANTS to be a good big sister.
But no one has equipped her to BE a good big sister!

Sleeping after another busy day with Dad... because he won't let Mom touch him yet.
So yes, he has been attached to my hip since Friday. Non-stop. I'm so freaking tired!
At least the night terrors seemed to have stopped. The crying has stopped as well.
... well, for the most part... and for me.

Unfortunately, at the same time, he started to reject his new Mom. And, I mean, really reject her.

I've talked about rejection before. So, I'm not going to dwell on that here. Head back two years in the blog archives here, and you can read about our first adoption where Ping rejected me... and rejected me HARD. It took months before she would hug me, spend time with me, or even let me touch her.

That was hard. I don't think that it is really able to be understood unless it has happened to you. I mean, in your head, you know WHY your child is rejecting you... but it still hurts more than you could imagine.

So, as my wife is having her heart broken, I'm stuck now on the other side of rejection... where I am loved. And my day is full of hugs, and cuddles and kisses. Me and Lukai play, and laugh and have a beautiful time. He is a wonderful, lovely little boy, who is energetic and fun! He has a beautiful smile and loves to laugh! We play so much each day and have so much fun!

Is he kind of spoiled? Maybe. He cries quick if he doesn't get his way, and he cries hard if he gets in trouble. But all things being equal, he might just be crying because he is on the verge of tears from all the change in the past 2 weeks... Even in the 4 or 5 days he has been here, he is doing so much better.

A couple days ago, I went upstairs, and I told him I would be right back (我回来，一点点). Now, I'm sure my Mandarin isn't perfect, but he should get the idea. Well, he decided to just scream and cry like he was being beaten! He actually cries so hard that he gets nose bleeds and can throw up. Crazy. Anyway, he was screaming, everyone was stressed, and I was able to eventually calm him down. Now, if I leave, I can tell him the same thing and go upstairs ... he might stand at the base of the stairs, but he isn't screaming anymore. So he IS trying to change and to be less scared/angry. With Ping, it didn't feel like she was trying to change. It was like "I'm just going to be mad at you until I think you've suffered enough".

Oh, and being able to speak to him in Mandarin has *really* helped. I know that everyone says "in a couple of months he will be able to speak english" ... but that is a couple of months of pure [beeeeeep] for everyone involved! The fist few weeks is the first impression, the first bonding moments, and the firsts for a lot of things. Being able to tell him stuff like "I told you 'no hitting'. Hitting is bad, you need to tell your sister 'I'm sorry'" ( 我告诉你不打。不打是不好。你告诉她对不起。), and then have him go and apologize has been HUGE. Being able to tell him that he is being to loud and needs to stop, what do you want to eat, are you tired, etc. etc. etc. has been great.

I know my wife is hurting.
I know my son is hurting.

But in between that, I have this knowledge that my son likes me. And it may have taken 5 children, but finally, one of them likes me more than Mom! And maybe that shouldn't make me happy... but it does. I've been the runner up parent for the last 4 children. And it feels nice to be wanted. I feel I little guilty about this. But my heart dose break for what my wife and son are going though.

And I know what my wife is feeling. Because I've been there. I've been rejected by our child before... but I don't think Lukai is going to be rejecting Mom for long. I'm sure this time next week will be miles better.

Now, I'm going to go and watch my new son sleep... because he is a beautiful boy! My heart is bursting with love for this little guy! This adoption is still really new, but it already feels totally different... I've taken almost everything I thought I knew about how adoption goes, and tossed it out the window. Because this is totally different.

So much to write...

2011-11-28T22:26:00.000-05:00

... so little time. So here is a picture of the girls at the park with their new little brother!

I will get some posts going soon. So much to write.

Only 2 Hours until I Meet my Son

2011-11-24T22:40:00.001-05:00

Two hours and counting! After months of waiting, paper work, praying and hoping you would think that the last two hours would feel like nothing... but you'd be wrong. :-)

I feel like a first time Dad pacing anxiously back and forth in the Hospital hall way, waititng for the Nurses to tell me everything is OK and that the Doctor is bringing the baby out.

But instead of a hospital, it is an airport, and instead of nurses, there are flight attendands, instead of doctors there are Pilots bringing my Son.

But in this metaphor, there are no TSA Screening agents doing full body cavity searches just because you want to bring toothpaste on the airplane... But I digress... 2 HOURS!!!! Whoooo!

I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Think I Can

2011-11-22T23:36:00.001-05:00

I feel kinda like that little engine that thought he could. The wife has been gone for... well... far to long. But we are coming to the end! Only 3 days left, and then everyone will be home! YAY!

Wife can begin reading here...

Now, most things have gone REALLY well while the wife has been gone. I mean, I've made nice meals...

... and I've had lovely people donate even MORE nice meals.

The house renovations have been progressing well...

... although some things have been delayed. Like, our windows.

BUT, I've made every Tap Dance Class, every Youth Group, every Karate Class, every Chines School and even done fun stuff like Celebrate Family Day to taking the children and their friend to the Wave Pool.

... thankfully with a gift card for Boston Pizza from a concerned friend who thought I might forget to feed the children.

I made special breakfasts on the weekends, even pancakes!

Smothered in CHOCOLATE and CARAMEL sauce!

Then, things got even better! The Windows came in!

The spray foam is going to be cheaper than estimated.

The siding is even going on Tomorrow! :-) Should be done(ish) when the Wife gets home!

Yes sir! Everything has been going GREAT!

Wife should STOP reading here!!!

Okay, so what is with the mellow dramatic "I think I can" if everything is going so great? Well...

The construction has now moved INSIDE the house. Which means our duct work is torn apart...

... so we have no heat upstairs. The two girls are huddled together in bed, covered with every free blanket in the house - AND my blanket. I may sleep in my winter coat tonight.

The Hot Water Tanks seems to have died. I can only shower 1 child a day.
The little cuteness MissG put on SO much CARAMEL and CHOCOLATE on her Pancake she got SICK.
I wound up making breakfast for the kids with expired eggs.
I wound up at work one day, wearing clothes which did not belong to me. I don't know whose they were, they were too big on my, a shirt I had never seen, and I was wearing it...
When we got to church a good friend of ours, who just so happened to be a Mom, had to get SeniorK to fix it shirt - it might have been on backwards and inside out.
The house (which has been kept pretty clean all this time) is now a DISASTER because of the construction. I've got coats in the kitchen, curtains on my bed, tables in the hall ways, and the list goes on.
I don't think I've ever been this tired before in my life - and this is coming from someone who (when he was younger) has gone on 72 hour video game marathons.

Wife can begin reading here again...

So am I happy for my wife to get back?! Oh yea! Now, once she IS back, things are not going to be exactly any calmer... but at least I will have my best friend back here with me.

Oh, and one saving thought though all this... Curtis out there in BC, whose wife went WITH my wife (in my place - thanks again Curtis!!!), is going through the same stuff as I am - but without any real justification! At least when I am looking at the 42 loads of laundry I have to do tonight... which I SHOULD be doing instead of blogging... I have this warm fuzzy feeling of going "At least this will all be worth it because Lukai is coming home". It is actually a little selfish really. I mean, I do this, but I get that.

But Curtis... well... he's not getting anything from this. Just unselfishly toiling away as a single Dad so that his wife can go and be a blessing to my family. Good job Curtis. Good job.

... you're making me look bad.

Stop it. :-)

Sleepless in Beijing

2011-11-22T06:00:00.000-05:00

NOTE: I originally posted this on No Hands But Ours (NHBO), but decided to post here as well for those who may not subscribe to NHBO. Sorry if it is a repeat for some.

So the wife is currently in China, and I'm still here in Canada.
The Wife, BigD (our 2nd eldest son) and our new son Lukai are about 5 days away from coming home.
There have been a great many thing which I've learned over the last few weeks. Some of them related to adoption, most related to our new son, and even a little about myself.

So instead of coming up with a comprehensive, well written, insightful and thought provoking blog post today (like my other blog posts have been really deep and insightful, I know), I'm going to walk though many of the emotions and "things" which have come up over the last few weeks.

I think this is a good idea, mostly because I am grotesquely sleep deprived and forming any coherent though feel well beyond reason and possibility... but also because it is my hope that everyone reading this either has, or will have had the opportunity to have an energetic little boy (or girl) throwing die-cast cars at their spouses head while you yell in vein over Skype (in chinese) to stop throwing said die-cast cars at their new mother... er, wait, what I meant to say was "I hope everyone gets to experience the joys of adopti... er family!"

Special Needs be darned!
See, I was expecting and prepared for SpinaBifida. But just a couple weeks before we left, he was diagnosed with a 2nd previously unknown special need - Vitiligo. Now, we don't really care about the Vitiligo - it could be as trivial as a cosmetic issue, or as severe as a thyroid or auto-immune deficiency. What we were scared of was *someone* deciding that the adoption was no longer allowed. Our provincial government could have decided that this special need was not "on the list" and therefore, the terms of adoption are no longer valid. Someone in China could have decided that it was no longer in the best interest of the child to be adopted. It was a few days of complete emotional panic as we tried to re-assure our adoption agency, our province and China that we still wanted to adopt little Lukai.

1st meeting between Mom and Lukai

But the bottom line was, we already loved our child, even though he was not home yet. And if tomorrow any one of my children were diagnosed with Vitiligo, it would not have changed my love for them.

Little Boys are Energetic!
It has been a while since we've had a little boy around the house. I think its been about 9 years since we've had a little high energy, rough and tumble little ball of AAAAAHHHH stop throwing things at my head!!! But that is OK.

Looks happy, but apparently dosn't like swimming

Well, it is OK for now, because he is still in China, and I am safe and sound over here. My wife however, is looking a little tired.

When the 1st Words out of your Child's Foster Mother's mouth are "He is Such a Naughty Boy"
... take it at face value. :-) Oh cute for sure. Look at that smile. Those rose coloured cheeks! How could he ever be so Naugh... hey, hey, put the car down! No, don't you smile at me like that. Finger wagging and head shaking is universal. Wipe that smile off your face. Don't you DARE throw that OWWWWWW!

That is the foster mom in the middle

She did happen to say that he was a naughty boy in the loving, endearing way that only a Mother can, where you know you are loved, but oh so close to getting into serious trouble!

Being Stuck at Home playing "Mom" for 3 Weeks is NOT fun
I don't know how you Moms do it. I really don't. I mean, I now understand why my wife yells at the kids. I mean, being a Dad, you sometimes see your wife snap at the kids with the old "Oh I have told you a THOUSAND times!!!", but I didn't really understand it until now. Until the 12th day of getting them ready for school as they run outside in their bare feet and no coats... and I'm standing in the door way, yelling like a crazy person "GET YOUR COATS ON!". Oh, and I understand too why when I come home after work and am all "Hey, how YOU doing?" she isn't at ALL interested in how I'm doing. She wants to sleep. I get that, now, more than ever. Because I'm not even interested in how I'm doing after a long day of work, children, cleaning, laundry, and all that stuff.

Never Judge a Foster Parents by their Picture
... even if they look so very unhappy. My wife was able to meet Lukai's Foster Mom (you can read about it here), which was AMAZING. And WAY better than we expected, after THESE photos. But I just finished an hour long Instant Message (via QQ) chat with them, and their hearts are breaking. I know that in China, if the foster family wants to adopt the child they are fostering, that they have to come up with the orphanage donation - which is something like 35,000RMB. Or roughly two years wages for the average worker. I do not know what happened with their family, if they tried to keep Lukai, if they wanted him to get a home, but I DO know that they love him deeply. They said repeatedly that they are happy he is with us, but they miss him. My Chinese will never be good enough to express my thanks to them, and pay them the respect and honour they deserve ... and it is not because I suck at Chinese, it is simply because words can not express things adequately, regardless of language. However, if I knew Interpretative Dance, I think I could have nailed what my heart wanted to say!

See, my child is still 1/2 a world away. And that is all I care about. Getting him home, holding him in my arms, hearing him laugh (Skype just doesn't cut it), and dyes, even dodging the odd die-cast car launched at my head.

All the Special Needs, pain, troubles and worries pale in comparison to my desire to simply hold my child for the 1st time.

Now, my next post might be asking the best way to bandage head wounds inflicted by flying die-cast cars...

BigD and the Wife VS the Great Wall

2011-11-21T14:48:00.001-05:00

So BigD got to go up to the highest point on the Great Wall, just like SeniorK. He even got his gold medallion at the top - which made him very happy! :-)

uhhhh, I gotta climb that?

See, I didn't let SeniorK sit on the ledge...
cuz it's a 880 meter drop STRAIGHT DOWN!
Call me silly, but this seems like a bad idea.

Hmmm, not as bad English as the "Steep Slope, please loose headway" sign.

Who is kissing BigD? Seriously, I don't know. But that's my boy!

Meeting the Foster Mom

2011-11-17T06:41:00.001-05:00

A gift to us from the orphanage

When it was close to the time where Lukai and the Wife were going to meet for the 1st time, the Wife had asked if she would get to meet the Foster Parents who have been raising our little Lukai since he was only 20 days old. The guide told us that they were 'not allowed to meet' and that this was just the way it was 'in this province'. Now, we knew from talking with other ShanXi adoptive parents that this is not the case. Many have been able to meet the foster families.

I figured there was something afoot. I mean, we're not getting to meet the parents. The orphanage was 'too busy' to do the Delivery Day at the original time. I figured that the orphanage WAS expecting the foster family to travel with Lukai to the drop off, and that the family refused, and then the orphanage was scrambling to find someone else who was free and could bring Lukai to us.

Turns out, I'm a judgmental idiot.

"I get to meet the foster parents in an hour and a half! They are coming!", those words from my wife were probably the most singularly happy yet terrified words I've ever heard. I didn't know what to expect. Judging from the last pictures, they didn't look happy. What would they say? Were they angry? Happy?

When the two ladies DID meet, the old Mom and the new Mom, what was going to happen?!

She still doesn't look happy...

Then Lukai's Foster Mom and Lukai's new Mom embraced each other with a hug, and then sat down on a lobby couch. Lukai's Foster Mom scooted in so close to my wife that their hips were pressed up against each other, she held my wife's hand in hers, and then sobbed for an hour straight.

The first thing the Foster Mom said to my wife was, "He is such a naughty little boy." But she said it in an endearing loving way which only a mother can, after she has earned her motherly stripes by surviving many broken things around the house, or having to have chased him for hours on end while he ran around the house. She also said that "no one in the village thought he would even get adopted." So maybe they really were thinking he would be theirs forever?

So for about an hour straight the Foster Mom cried, and sobbed, and spoke to the wife in Chinese with the translator popping in and out of the conversation, and at the end, she said she was happy that we were adopting Lukai, that she could tell we are good people and that Lukai will be loved.

The Foster Mom eventually made her way back to the car, holding my wife's hand the whole way. And as she climbed into the car, still with tears in her eyes, I can only hope that we will meet all of the dreams that she has had for her son.

And we will always honour the Mother that Lukai has had in China, because she deeply loves him.

Ping's Photo Album

2011-11-15T23:16:00.001-05:00

Well, today is our 2 year Forever Family Day! Yes, it has been 2 years since Ping joined our family. And although it may be a touch late, here is an album for her. :-)

Lukai Photo Album

2011-11-15T10:49:00.001-05:00

So, instead of posting a thousand photos in a thousand posts, I'm setting up a web album slide show.
Hopefully this will work for everyone. If you are having problems seeing the pictures, please let me know.
The goal is that as I update the album with pictures, this slide show should automatically update... and then everyone can see the new pictures here.

1 more...

2011-11-14T23:27:00.001-05:00

... unless the wife sends even MORE.

Skyping with Lukai

2011-11-14T22:48:00.001-05:00

So yea, Skyping with my new son from China. Which was great. I can hear him crying from the other side of the world. Oh the wonders of the digital age!

And boy can he cry! Still all things considered - the little guy is doing great. I don't think we can even really begin to imagine loosing the only parents you've known your whole life, and being tossed into the arms of someone else, who looks so different, sounds so different, smells so different, and can't even talk to you.

But on an unexpected note, the Foster Family IS going to meet with the Wife! Turns out it was the Guide (possibly) who did not want them to meet. But in an hour or two, the Wife will get to meet the foster family. Which is great. I mean, now they can sit face to face, and stare awkwardly at each other while neither group can speak a common language. Should be great! :-)

Oh, and on that note (aince I'm just kind of unwinding the old nogg'n here, and emotionally discharging) the place where Lukai is from has been translated by some as "Hard to Find". The name of the area in english (pinyn) would be spelt YingZe Qu. Now, Ying can be 硬，英，迎，应，赢， or any one of the other 247 Ying's in the Mandarin dialect. Really, c'mon! Anyway, yes, one of those translations can be "Hard". Ze and Qu can eventually be translated into something what when you stick it all together sounds something like "Hard to Find".

But, when you look on the Chinese Map, it is really YingZe Qu ( 迎泽区 ), which really is, just a name with no real meaning. It is literally translated into Pinyn (romanized spelling of chinese words) as YingZe. Not, hard to find. That would have a different Chinese Spelling. 硬赜区 vs 迎泽区 ... see? TOTALLY different! Hmmmm... if your computer can't display chinese characters, both spelling probably just looked like 3 empty boxes. Trust me, they are TOTALLY different! :-)

But how symbolic of adoption anyway. No longer symbolic in the "hard to find" way (as we have found him), but still, adoption is so mis-understood and mis-labeled. People "think" they know it. Some "think" that adoption children are "this way" or "that way", but really... it is so often our rigid views which cause us to see something as our filters dictate and not what really as they are. Did that make sense? I'm kinda sleep deprived. Maybe stop reading... or I should stop typing?

My child is probably still crying, and my wife is probably trying to do her best to console him. And I'm sure the lovely couple staying in the room right next door to my wife and child are thinking "What is WRONG with that kid!" Are we going to mis-label him, or any of the other 147million orphans, as some horrible child who is going to be a handful? Or are we going to take off our filters, look at reality and realize that this little boy has just lost the only parents he ever knew... and by good golly, give these hurting children enough love to grow.

Anyway, go back, look at the cute pictures up there, and ignore the ranting above... G'nite.

Finally Some Pictures!

2011-11-14T18:50:00.001-05:00

YAY! Finally got some pictures from the Wife! So apparently, he is quite the little boy. He plays rough and is quite outgoing and active!

The Wife said when they got him, that he kind of cowered against the wall and really did not want to interact with anyone. So the wife put toys at his feet and slowly he started to play and engage with everyone. Him and BigD appear to be getting along great!

I just watched them playing in the hotel room together for like a half hour, BigD was hiding under the blanket and popping up and Lukai would laugh ... and then hit him. :-) He slept though the night - but woke up about 4 or 5 times with "night terrors" and apparently even hit the Wife across the face twice while sleeping. Oh they are so cute when they are punching you in the nose!

Anyway, he seems like he is healthy and all that. He sure did not like taking a bath! Apparently, he was quite dirty and had some bad B.O - so the Wife threw him in the bath. He screamed though it all!