Buns and Barbs

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 17:28:00 +0000

The Thanksgiving Nightmare - Handling a Naked Dead Turkey

Thanksgiving is now officially one of my favorite holidays. I tried for years to enjoy it, but that damned turkey ruined it every year. Don’t get me wrong, the turkey tasted just fine. I just could not stand the idea of reaching inside that bird and removing “giblets”, whatever the hell that is and who thinks of these words anyway? “Giblets” sounded like a less fortunate member of the family. It was sickening.

One year, I had friends over for Thanksgiving and they saw the rubber gloves still out. Oops. I had to explain why I hated cooking turkey. I said I felt like I was violating a dead animal by reaching in there and removing parts. I explained I was no turkey gynecologist, but I did always used rubber gloves for the examination. I hated touching that dead bird with no feathers or head. It is true. I do use rubber gloves. That bird spread out looked obscene. I think they thought I was strange.

It was always something wrong with cooking the turkey too! No matter how many packets were inside, I always left one in there. If there were three, I removed two thinking I had them all. Who thought of the dumb game “ Hide Little Bags of Weird Turkey Parts That I Have to Throw Out” inside the turkey? What kind of mind does that? Couldn’t they just put it in one big baggy for those people who use giblets and necks and those other packets of unknowns? Saving out turkey parts sounds like a perverse goal.

It was always a great phone conversation I had with my mother across the country every Thanksgiving?
Me: “How many of those little bags are in a turkey?”
Mom: “47”
Me: “Oh no!”
Mom: “Why? How many did you remove?”
Me: “Only 36. Now I have to get that damned turkey out of the oven, let it cool down and look for the other 11 packets.”
Mom: (Laughing) “I love Thanksgiving. I wish you were here to let me cook the turkey. I love you, dear.” Me: “I love you, too, but why do they keep on adding extra plastic bags of weird parts every year and shoving them up the turkey’s ass?”
Mom: “Watch the mouth, but your turkey will be just fine. You cannot ruin a turkey.”

I miss that insane conversation that I had every year with my mom about the turkey. She was right. You cannot ruin a turkey, but my meal was always haunted by that troubling encounter prior to cooking. I hated touching that poor old, big fat, ugly bird with no feathers or head. I sure as hell never stuffed that poor pitiful yucky thing. I am sure that it violates some law of nature and religion. If it doesn't, this is a sick word we live in.

Finally, I discovered the joy of smoked turkey. Someone else does all the dirty work. I am no longer a turkey gynecologist, playing "Find the Giblets" and feeling shame and embarrassment because I was unsuccessful. Now, I can enjoy a beautifully prepared turkey without any unpleasant memories of feeling around inside a dead bird. No more finding cooked plastic packets of obscure and prior to this time unknown turkey parts when it was carved. (That became an embarrassing annual event with my husband prodding it with a knife and dragging it out at the dinner table.) The thing is that it was never the bird. It was about being with screwy relatives and having fun. That was always the real treat. Be thankful. Happy Thanksgiving Y'all

Buns and Barbs

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 20:07:00 +0000

Buns and Barbs

Halloween Is All Tricks and No Treats

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 20:03:00 +0000

For the first time in years, I am looking forward to Halloween. Halloween has always been a creepy holiday. I don't like the idea that all the dead saints are walking around begging for candy. Why do dead saints want candy? Don’t they know it’s bad for the teeth and packs on the pounds?

Halloween was always an obligation to buy 20 -30 pounds of candy to give out to complete strangers that do not live on my street or in my neighborhood. It seemed an odd thing to open a door to people I do not know, wearing masks, carrying large bags, and demanding candy. The really weird thing is everyone is doing it. It is a most bizarre, not too smart idea. Behind those masks could be robbers or worse. They might be crazed killers, or worst of all, candy-hording giants.

Halloween trick or treaters are in for a surprise this year from me. Every year the group is getting older and taller. They aren’t young children. I swear some of them have full beards or built like Dolly Parton, and it ain’t no costume. Last Halloween, I told a trick or treater that we are not giving out beer or Quaaludes. This year with the economy worsening, there will be more candy panhandlers than usual. Everyone is cutting back on luxuries and that includes Milky Ways, Snickers, and m&ms. We all do what we must.

This Halloween, I decided to have a trick rather than a treat. I am cleaning out my cabinets and medicine cabinet and giving it away. I am handing out Rolaids, travel size toothpaste, dental floss, aspirin and anything else I might find. They are demanding a trick or a treat. This year, they get a trick, no treat.

Can you imagine the conversation?
Stranger 1: “What did you get? I got a Tum and a toothpick.”
Stranger 2: “She gave me a Cert and a little bottle of Scope.”
Stranger 3: “She likes you better. She gave me a band aid and roll of gauze.”
Stranger 4: “Can I have your gauze? She gave me adhesive tape and burn ointment.”
Stranger 5: “I got a tampon and sun tan lotion.”
Stranger 6: "Why did she give me Ex-Lax and Pepto Bismol? Which one do I take first?"

Just to play it safe as an added precaution for the adult trick or treaters, I will question them whether they have ulcers or high blood pressure before I give the Advil and cough syrup. I will also check their blood pressure to make them think I know what I am doing. Some will get a foil pack of Alka-Seltzers and xeroxed copies of the sale at the nearest liquor store.

As my supply wears thin, I will turn to condiments. I will be giving out salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard, soy sauce, creamer, packets of sugar and sporks. So come early to get the really good stuff. Breath mints and band aids won’t last all night.

The Amendments to the US Constitution (Written For the Average American, with humor)

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 20:27:00 +0000

Amendment 1
You have the right to be an asshole. This means that: You have the right to believe in anything no matter how illogical or unscientific it may be. You have the right to shout, at full volume, the first thing that pops into your head, no matter how inane or hateful. You have the right to be lied to by television, news papers, and magazines. You have the right to make worthless Internet petitions that nobody will ever look at. You have the right to herd yourselves together like sheep to the slaughter.

Amendment 2
You have the right to be a redneck and thereby you may own and operate weapons that are so powerful they could vaporize a musk ox from six-hundred yards away, all the while claiming they're for squirrels and such.

Amendment 3
You have the right to tell Uncle Sam to, "Go to Hell," if he ever tries to put soldiers in your house.

Amendment 4
The government is not allowed to invade your privacy without first getting a warrant. However, if the president decides to ignore this amendment, then you have the right to be stupid enough to believe that it's for your own good.

Amendment 5
The government is not allowed to take away your rights just because they think you may have broken the law... unless they later pass something called the Patriot Act which makes this amendment null and void. You also have the right to not have to watch the same episode of Jeopardy twice.

Amendment 6
You have the right to a speedy trial unless the government has arrested you for war crimes, in which case you're in for a long wait.

Amendment 7
You have the right to a trial by jury in civil cases. If you're a minority and the jury just happens to a bunch of angry old white guys, well then you're S.O.L.

Amendment 8
You are safe from cruel and unusual punishment. For the record, being electrocuted, poisoned, shot, and hanged is not cruel or unusual.

Amendment 9
Just because a right is not specifically granted by the US Constitution it doesn't mean the government can deprive you of that right. But this sure won't stop them from trying.

Amendment 10
Your state has the right to think that it can make up its own rules. However, if the federal government doesn't like those rules, they'll cut off all funding to your state until they comply. Why did we even waste time on this amendment?

Amendment 11
This amendment is purposely worded to be hard to understand, so it can't possibly be important.

Amendment 12
In order to prevent our government from being a democracy like we claim it is, we'll use the Electoral College system of voting, thereby making us a republic. Get over it.

Amendment 13
No more slavery. You honkeys now have the right to pick your own damn cotton!

Amendment 14
States are no longer allowed to prevent your rights, unless you're black, female, poor, or a teenager.

Amendment 15
Okay, black people can vote now too, but not the poor, females, or teenagers; and don't even get us started on poor female teenagers!

Amendment 16
The federal government has the right to bleed you dry from taxes. Bend over and take it like a bitch.

Amendment 17
You have the right to not understand how your vote counts in an election because everything is more complex than you're willing to learn.

Amendment 18
You are no longer allowed to get crunk at a party, attempt to dance on the table, fail miserably, fall off, and knock your teeth out on the floor. Shucks.

Amendment 19
Now even women can vote! Wow, what a country!

Amendment 20
Crap about the president and congress... boring...

Amendment 21
Hurray! Once again you have the right to wake up with one Hell of a hang-over, next to a total stranger who looks a lot uglier than you remember, and pray that you were sober enough to use a condom.

Amendment 22
We will never -ever- have to endure three terms of George W. Bush! Hallelujah!

Amendment 23
You have the right to not care that DC gets representation.

Amendment 24
Voting is now free. Even the trailer trash who couldn't afford the 18 cents before can now almost afford to vote.

Amendment 25
It used to be that if you wanted to end a presidential regime you only had to assassinate the president and the vice president. Now you'll have to rub out the speaker of the house, the president of the senate, the secretary of state, the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of defense... and the list goes on an on, so I hope you have a lot of bullets.

Amendment 26
Now even stupid teenagers can vote. When will the horror end?

Amendment 27
Congress has the right to give themselves more money than they deserve, because beer and hookers ain't cheap you know.

Is 2012 the End of the World?

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Tue, 22 May 2012 15:28:00 +0000

Well, if it should be the end you have nothing to worry about, do you?

Gingrich’s Moon Colony: ‘May Divorce Be With You’

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Tue, 15 May 2012 16:31:00 +0000

Saturday Night Live brings us a glimpse into a not-so-distant future, a future when Barack Obama‘s second term leads us into a nightmarish socialist dystopia. Luckily, Newt Gingrich‘s vision for a moon colony became a reality.

English May Be Dangerous for Your Health

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Mon, 14 May 2012 19:13:00 +0000

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Apparently Speaking English is what kills you.

Church and State Unite After Long Trial Separation

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Fri, 11 May 2012 18:25:00 +0000

Pictures paint 1000s of words?

Hypocrite Michelle Bachmann Citizen of Socialist Country

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Thu, 10 May 2012 16:31:00 +0000

Anti-socialist and Tea Party spokesperson Michele Bachmann announced she's a citizen of Switzerland, a socialist nation with universal health care and marriage equality. On a related note, Bachmann's family has received a quarter of a million dollars in farm subsidies, the very thing she rails against. We knew she was a bozo when she emerged on the national scene wanting to investigate anyone in Congress "who wasn't patriotic." Seems as this anti-socialist "patriot" takes government handouts AND chooses to be a citizen of a socialist country. It's time for her constituents in Minnesota to dump her for someone who'll better represent the people of her district instead of re-electing this goofy gadfly.

By: Tracy Knauss

Bachmann’s husband Marcus is eligible for Swiss citizenship because his parents are Swiss immigrants, but he only recently registered with the Swiss government, Politico reported earlier this week. Michele Bachmann and her three youngest children became Swiss citizens on March 19, according to the Politico report.

"I have never exercised any rights of that citizenship. Rather, I have always pledged allegiance to our one nation under God, the United States of America. We live in the greatest nation humankind has ever known and I am proud to be an American but it's nice to have someplace to run to if I screw up too bad."

Corporations to be Executed

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Thu, 03 May 2012 16:30:00 +0000

We believe that corporations are not persons and possess only the privileges we willfully grant them. Granting corporations the status of legal "persons" effectively rewrites the Constitution to serve corporate interests as though they were human interests. Ultimately, the doctrine of granting constitutional rights to corporations gives a thing illegitimate privilege and power that undermines our freedom and authority as citizens. While corporations are setting the agenda on issues in our Congress and courts, We the People are not; for we can never speak as loudly with our own voices as corporations can with the unlimited amplification of money.

The GOP is always talking about "going back to the constitution" that our forefathers created. We're certain they will take on the task of trying, sentencing or executing, as need be, corporations guilty of massive crimes against the middle class and poor.

Romney First Robot to Run for President

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 20:18:00 +0000

How a candidate of Romney's pedigree could cut such an unsympathetic figure has become a minor obsession in the media. Explanations range from his association with the corporate one percent to his willingness to contradict himself on key issues. All these are true, but the underlying dynamic governing our reaction to his controversial affiliations and positions is a completely natural psychological response to competing stimuli -- one that's best summed up with a technological metaphor.

In robotics, researchers have observed that as an object acquires human-like properties, people respond to the object with more positive feelings. The less human-like an object, the less empathy. Robots have been created that approximate human behavior so closely that the mind interprets the robot in human terms even if the machine lacks a human face. The result is an unsettling feeling that borders on anxiety or revulsion. When a robot inspires such emotions, it's said to have fallen into the uncanny valley of a conceptual graph that charts fluctuations in our empathetic capacity.

Most politicians tend to be ordinary-looking people who spend their time convincing voters they're office-quality material. Romney is rushing the other way: he's the politician from central casting who is stumbling through an audition for a role of regular human. Not that other candidates don't make mistakes -- they do, all the time -- but in Romney's case awkward moments stand out like neon road signs precisely because we expect him to make the jump from TV to reality as effortlessly and convincingly as his polished appearance would imply.

Romney's task now is to work his way out of the uncanny valley toward a more compelling style of humanity. There's an app being developed for that but will it be ready and will he be able to master it in time?

The PERSONAL APOLOGY Song

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 20:13:00 +0000

Magic!!! For the Lady of the House!

Love a man singing to just me.

I'll bet that you've never seen anything like this before...for women only!

After you type your name in, a card comes up that says, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, on it...then...just wait about 10-20 seconds. It's worth the wait! Click on the link below...(hard to see).

http://www.obtampons.ca/apology

Type your name - and wait for your song...

How to Live Forever

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 18:05:00 +0000

Pass to all 60 yrs and older. Cardiovascular Exercise

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.

This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Scroll Down.

NOW SCROLL UP.
That's enough for the first day. Great Job! Have a glass of wine.

Wal-Mart vs. The Morons

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 21:02:00 +0000

PLEASE, READ THIS TO THE END. IT IS VERY INTERESTING!!! (This is an email that landed in my mail box but thought it worth passing on)

1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target +Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world's largest private employer, and most speak English.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this
in only fifteen years.

8. During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.

11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Wal-Mart stores. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart.

You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy.

This should be read and understood by all Americans Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!
To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature

It is now official that the majority of you are corrupt morons:

a.. The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke.

b.. Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.

c.. Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke.

d.. War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and but it isn't helping or getting to the right place.

e.. Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.

f.. Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke.

g.. The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.

Folks, keep this circulating.. It is very well stated. Maybe it will end up in the e-mails of some of our "duly elected' (they never read anything) and their staff will clue them in on how Americans feel.
AND
I know what's wrong. We have lost our minds to "Political Correctness" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone please tell me what the HELL's wrong with all the people that run this country!!!!!!

We're "broke" & can't help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless etc.,???????????
In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti , Chile , and Turkey ... And now Pakistan .......previous home of bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!

Our retired seniors living on a 'fixed income' receive no aid nor do they get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour Hundreds of Billions of $s and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries! We have hundreds of adoptable children who are shoved aside to make room for the adoption of foreign orphans.

AMERICA: a country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed hungry, elderly going without 'needed' meds, and mentally ill without treatment -etc,etc.
YET......................
They have a 'Benefit' for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations, ships and planes lining up with food, water, tents clothes, bedding, doctors and medical supplies.

Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT* gave 'US' the same support they give to other countries. Sad isn't it?
99% of people won't have the guts to forward this.
I'm one of the 1% -- I Just Did

**Irate comments welcome from all sides.

Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 16:38:00 +0000

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
Asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
Was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
Several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
Who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing
With men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
Boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned
Beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
Embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
Before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
Any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
To have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
Asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did Bob have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
Were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

Top 10 Ways to Cope With the Holidays Without Committing a Felony

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:01:00 +0000

1. Reduce expectations and find joy in the fact that the refrigerator light bulb still works.

2. Have a good place to hide from the crazy relatives. Under the bed is an excellent choice. Carry a blanket with you at all times. You can immediately cover your head so no one knows you are there.

3. Splurge and buy a hard hat for yourself. Wear it until January 3, especially if you expect to survive putting up lights and nasty fights over holiday deep discounts.

4. Get a yule log and a wassail when you figure out what they are. Get me one too. Buy lots of Coke in the Coca-Cola Santa can. They are getting rid of the polar bear cans. Another Classic failure. Coca Cola Santa always makes me happy. Plus it goes well with rum!

5. Write a letter to Santa and tell on everyone who has been naughty. Revenge is sweet, and you can’t wrap and put a bow on that package.

6. Have plenty of aluminum foil and duct tape around. It will come in handy for something. Never use aluminum foil as a substitute for a dinner plate. Never use a dinner plate as a substitute for aluminum foil. Never duct tape a turkey.

7. Remember silence is golden, and duct tape is silver. Knowing when to apply gold or silver is important. Do not duct tape any family members under 18. Do not expect any gold.

8. Make frequent visits to best friends, Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker. This can never be underestimated. Put more noggin in your eggnog. Bacardi is inexpensive and could save you from murdering Aunt Betty or Uncle Fred.

9. Try to impress people by saying you knew two of the three original Wise Men. If that seems a little too pretentious, announce that you know at least three of Santa's elves.

10. Click your heels three times and say, "There is no place like somewhere else."

Remember it is just another Christmas with the family, and down deep, in a dark recess of you heart, you really love it. Quit whining and get with spirit. Merry Christmas.

The Thanksgiving Nightmare - Handling a Naked Turkey

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:10:00 +0000

Thanksgiving is now officially one of my favorite holidays. I tried for years to enjoy it, but that damned turkey ruined it every year. Don’t get me wrong, the turkey tasted just fine. I just could not stand the idea of reaching inside that bird and removing “giblets”, whatever the hell that is and who thinks of these words. “Giblets” sounded like a less fortunate member of the family. It was sickening.

One year, I had friends over for Thanksgiving and they saw the rubber gloves still out. Oops. I had to explain why I hated cooking turkey. I said I felt like I was violating a dead animal by reaching in there and removing parts. I explained I was no turkey gynecologist, but I always used rubber gloves for the examination. I hated touching that dead bird with no feathers or head. It is true. I do use rubber gloves. That bird spread out looked obscene. I think they thought I was strange.

It was always something wrong with cooking the turkey too! No matter how many packets were inside, I always left one in there. If there were three, I removed two thinking I had them all. Who thought of the dumb game “ Hide Little Bags of Weird Turkey Parts That I Have to Throw Out” inside the turkey? What kind of mind does that? Couldn’t they just put it in one big baggy for those people who use giblets and necks and those other packets of unknowns? Saving out turkey parts sounds like a perverse goal.

It was always a great phone conversation I had with my mother across the country every Thanksgiving?
Me: “How many of those little bags are in a turkey?”
Mom: “47”
Me: “Oh no!”
Mom: “Why? How many did you remove?”
Me: “Only 36. Now I have to get that damned turkey out of the oven, let it cool down and look for the other 11 packets.”
Mom: (Laughing) “I love Thanksgiving. I wish you were here to let me cook the turkey. I love you, dear.” Me: “I love you, too, but why do they keep on adding extra plastic bags of weird parts every year and shoving them up the turkey’s ass?”
Mom: “Watch the mouth, but your turkey will be just fine. You cannot ruin a turkey.”

I miss that insane conversation that I had every year with my mom about the turkey. She was right. You cannot ruin a turkey, but my meal was always haunted by that troubling encounter prior to cooking. I hated touching that poor old, big fat, ugly bird with no feathers or head. I sure as hell never stuffed that poor pitiful yucky thing. I am sure that it violates some law of nature and religion. If it doesn't, this is a sick word we live in.

Holiday Menu: Tofucken and Yoohoo Wine

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:08:00 +0000

Some people’s eating habits get on my nerves. I don’t know why people eat artificially engineered crap that is a substitute for some real food. Fake sugar is the biggest joke ever played. What is the deal with that shit? If you eat so much sugar that you need to substitute fake sugar that is calorie-free, lay off the fucking sugar. If you eat so much that it makes you fat, using artificial sugar ain’t gonna make you thin. Closing the mouth will. If you use sugar free substitutes due to cavities and tooth decay, again, stop with the sugar! I recently read an article that indicated artificial sweetener made people gain weight. If you are a diabetic maybe it is okay. I know their sugar level has to be carefully monitored but use the real stuff and avoid the real stuff as required.
Then there is milk. There are many substitutes for whole milk. Why do people use skim milk for anything? It tastes like crap and is not fit to drink. It’s okay for cooking but with real eggs and butter, skim milk makes no sense at all. Then you got your soy milk for lactose intolerance. I have given this considerable thought. How do you milk a soy?
Then there is gluten free bread. Why? If you have a problem with bread, avoid it. Altered food is not good for you either. And canned biscuits? Who thought of putting biscuits in a can? Isn’t that sort of like potted meat? What does potted mean? Plants are potted. What kind of meat is it? Potteds are not rare animals, apparently, but I believe it is something with hooves. And Spam is what exactly? No one knows. It is top secret confidential information that I am going to reveal. It is meat flavored crap.
Then you’ve got instant mashed potatoes. What is so hard about boiling potatoes? It’s all you have to do and add a little salt, milk and butter. Then squish it all together!
Aerosol cheese in a can is the height of stupidity. Europeans make fun of us for this. Are we so impatient that we cannot wait for the cheese to warm up to spread? Some cheese is not meant to spread. It is to be eaten in chunks. Besides, it embarrasses me to say the words Cheese Whiz.
And white chocolate? That is a total fraud! There is no chocolate in there. It’s like milk chocolate only without the chocolate. They could have called it “milk”, but that name was already taken. So, it had no name at all. Then some idiot goof they put in charge of naming things called it “white chocolate”.
Now, we also have water enhancer. What the hell is that? I am giving it to my fish and putting it in my pool and commode. Only the finest, enhanced water is good enough for my fish and plumbing. I mean, seriously folks, what was so wrong with water that we had to enhance it?
Then they have the near beer. It tastes like beer but it has no alcohol. Why drink fake beer? Get some beer flavored water enhancer and add water.
You know what else they have invented? Chocolate red wine! Why? Do you have to combine flavors on everything? Who thinks of these things and why? It’s the Yoohoo of wines. Now that is a title.
Not only do they have fake sugar, they have fake salt, and fake creamer. I hear margarine is a molecule away from plastic. That’s a little too close for me. Butter is fine as is. Milk is fine. Sugar is fine. Potatoes are fine. Bread is fine. All that fake shit is enough to make you sick. Don’t eat it. If you don’t know what it is and where it came from, for God’s sake, don’t ingest it.
Then with the holiday coming, there is tofu turkey. Why make some crap up that is like a turkey but isn’t? Imitating meat is a lousy idea. Why not make one of play-doh? It says on the container it is non-toxic and the kids will have fun preparing the whole meal. The turducken makes more sense. For those of you who do not know, a turducken is a chicken stuffed inside a duck inside a turkey. For our holiday, because we are a family who appreciates following through with lunatic ideas, we are having tofucken and some of that Yoohoo wine!
Cheers!

Apple Cinnamon Dung and Garlic Snow - The Latest Bath and Body Works Fragrance*?

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 20:08:00 +0000

Don’t get me wrong, I love Bath and Body Works. I generally love just about everything they have to offer and end up buying most of it and bringing it home. Their fragrances this season leave something to be desired. I hate autumn, but there are some pleasant fragrances like pecan pie, candy apples, cinnamon rolls and fresh baked cookies that are irresistible. Bath and Body Works always captured the pleasant aromas in shampoo, air freshener, and body washes. It made the house a little nicer, the air a little sweeter and my hair smell like a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. Not anymore! For first time in my life, I walked out of the shop without buying a single thing. Not even a candle!

I went to Bath and Body Works to pick up my favorite room fragrance, “Creamy Nutmeg”, and was righteously outraged when I found it was no longer available. Well, that put me in a bad mood right from the start. Their new fragrances had names evocative of outdoor images and spices that should not be combined in the same sentence, the same room, and never in same bottle. I did not like the fragrances of lotions, air fresheners, and shampoos with really screwy names. I cannot remember the actual names but it was something like “Dead Licorice Leaves”, “Slimy Caramel Moss”, “Polar Bear Musk”, “Vanilla Mulch”, and “Garlic Snow”. Why did they mess with products that work and replace them with some crap I will never buy? “Spicy Reptile”, “Orange Mucous”, “Cinnamon Newt”, or “Candy Adam’s Apple” sounds like some of the witch’s brew from Macbeth. My favorite was “Chocolate Fire and Brimstone”, and I didn’t really like that. I wanted to spend money on something to make the house a little more pleasant. I wanted to spend really badly, but I was not buying those smelly old fragrances.

Bath and Body Works, you made great products that I could not resist. I have gone into a shop expecting to make a $15 purchase and walked out with $150 in fragrances for the house, bath, and me. I loved them. Please come back with my old favorites. I promise to buy. Maybe I should have bought the “Lime Camel” or “Cranberry Turtle” as a token show of support. I could give it to trick or treaters.

*This was written for my friend Debra because it is her birthday and is simply for fun. There is not an element of truth to it except I did not like the new Bath and Body Works fall fragrances.

The Ten Commandments of Summer- Moses and Jesus Did Not Go Sledding. They went sailing at the beach!

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 05:04:00 +0000

I hate fall. This time of year brings out the worst in me. I am a spring/summer person. Fall is the beginning of the end, and winter is the end. When someone says, “I love the crisp air”, I really want to hit them. Potato chips are crisp, not air. That crisp air forces people inside and contributes to the spread of viral influenza, pneumonia and colds. So, go #&^% your stupid, crisp air!

When someone says, “It’s the fall color”, I reply, “Have you checked out the 4th of July?” Now, there is some color, bright shiny color. The worst day of summer has more natural color than the best day of winter.

Some people love Halloween, the first stupid, creepy fall holiday. Not Me. I love Memorial Day. In summer, the world is slow and easy. Everything seems richer and more sensuous. In the autumn, we take the tumble right before we hit rock bottom. Why do you thing they call it “fall”? When God said “Let there be light”, he had the 4th of July in mind not New Year’s Eve. That’s why summer has more light. Winter is dark and cold. It isn't God's fault!

I do not like to shiver. I do not like seeing myself breathe. I do not like the discomfort of being cold. Coats and toboggans are the devil’s work. Winter is pure evil. The world is predicted to end on Dec 21, 2012. I mention it because it is the first day of winter, the shortest day of light in the year. See! …. I know!

At least we won’t have to endure the worst part of winter next year.

Summer is a religious experience. Jesus, Moses, and God were summer people. I don’t recall any mention of snow and ice in any religion. It might be there, I just don’t recall. I am betting none of those holy guys had a sled, snow shoes, or even snow cream. Eden was summer. Endless summer is the perfect world. Adam and Eve could not be running around naked or covered with fig leaves in winter. They had apple trees and snakes. You don’t have that stuff in winter. Capiche!

Since summer is holy, there are some rules by which we all must abide. I tried to prioritize.
The Ten Commandments of Summer
1. Thou shalt not shiver!
2. Thou shalt not wear fall clothing
3. Thou shalt remember Memorial Day and keep it holy.
4. Thou shalt barbecue!
5. Thou shalt swim like a fish, and sun like a lizard!
6. Thou shalt not sneeze, cough nor secrete mucous.
7. Thou shalt have swimsuits and good bodies to go in them.
8. Thou shalt celebrate summer.
9. Thou shalt not steal thy neighbor’s beer nor ice.
10. Thou shalt have pizza on Fridays.
11. Thou shalt not be forced to bear a chilly wind.
12. Thou shalt not see thine own breath. (You get bonus commandments for summer because this is real religion)

Moses parted seas. He wouldn't have done that in cold weather. Jesus walked on water. I am going to bet the water wasn’t frozen. Anyone could walk on ice. I do wonder if his feet got wet.

The above photo is the only known photo of a Biblical figure taken with a Nikon 7000 circa 500BC.

Happy Halloween! No Treat - All Trick

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 00:58:00 +0000

THE REAL REASON WHY SARAH PALIN WILL NOT RUN FOR PRESIDENT

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 21:07:00 +0000

Heart breaking news was revealed when the Divine Miss P announced she will not be a presidential contender. I knew she could not win but I looked forward to her blunders. It's like finding out someone ate the ears off your Easter Bunny. I want the ears. I know she is ignorant, a bitch, a prima donna, and according to her biography, a bit of a skank. What's not to like? She's perfect.

According to some, the reason she is afraid the world, as well as her husband will find out that the father of her oldest son, (Trip or Fall or something like that) is not black NFL star, Glen Rice, but really the son of Charles Barkley. There is an ominous similarity in appearance. My friend Sean pointed it out. We believe Trap, Trigger, Troll (or whatever his name is)is the son of Todd. Just fun to pretend.

Actually Sarah is not running for president because she has some inside information from her spiritual adviser, Guru Gotaway, the guy she snorted cocaine with over an oil barrel. It seems that this time the world will end October 21, 2011. I mean, what is the point in campaigning? Duh!

Besides, if the world did not end and she became the new president, she is frightened of her own position on gun control. She found out she will not be the only one who has firearms readily available. Some stupid Constitution thing that those lame men from 1776 made up. Who knew? That stupid Constitution keeps getting in the way. If elected, she planned to sneak it out and burn it. If elected, she also planned on quitting the job as president and forcing NBC to hire her in Katie Couric's position in order to get the last laugh on Katie. NBC was flaunting the Constitution saying they had freedom of press. See why the Constitution has to go! That damned press keeps printing the truth about her.

The world got sadder with the loss of Palin as a contender. On a brighter note, Alaska gets her back. We got rid of her. The world is not as bad as we thought. We just might actually make through October 21, 2011. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. I think I see a moose.

The above is all a joke we believe. Sean, Buns, Barbs

There Is a Goddam Difference Between Honor and Honesty

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 22:53:00 +0000

Why are people so obsessed with the character trait honesty? I honestly know no one who is completely honest. I know lots of honorable people. I have no use for anyone who isn’t honorable. But honest, come on! We all lie out our asses.

The simple truth is dishonesty makes for good friends. I am betting none of you remember the kid who told the truth and sat by you in Sunday school, but you all remember who helped you pull off the great escapade of your life. Dishonesty bonds. There is nothing quite like getting into trouble and lying your way out.

Honesty vs. honor test

If I ask, “Does this look bad?”

You do not say, “It looks like hell.” which is the honest answer.

You say, “Perhaps you should go for a more modest look.”

Now that is some good lying. You are "a first class, good as they come" liar.

If I ask any question of a friend, he, she, or it should do the honorable thing. Be comforting, supportive, and kind. In other words, lie like “a sum beech”.

If you went around telling the truth you would never get anywhere. You see someone approaching. He says, “Hi, how ya doin’?” He is not being honest. He neither wants to know nor cares if menstrual cramps are bothering me. He does not want to hear that I am constipated due to a tendency to get anally retentive over people who are too honest.

He wants to hear, “Much better since I ran into you.” This is dishonest, but it is admirable and honorable thing to do. We all feel much better.

This is the kind of person I seek out for friendship. He does not need to know why I am sad. He needs to prepare to kick somebody’s ass for causing it. He does not need to know why I feel like dancing; he kicks off his shoes and joins in. He sees my smile: he smiles back. He sees my shoulders slump: I get a hug. He sees I did something wrong, he is prepared to lie to the end of the earth for me. A person of honor reacts to my exploits or achievements with enthusiasm and never shoots me off my cloud. That is honorable. The person who is honest would say, "You are not a kid anymore. Stop being childish. Act mature. Quit whining. Your waist is bigger than when you were 25. You have past the halfway mark of your life. We’re all going to die."

I would rather have a friend who lies for me about where I was and what I was doing, a friend who portrays me in a more favorable light than the always honest one. Even Abe couldn’t cut. I would pick Bill Clinton for a best bud over Abe Lincoln. I wonder if Honest Abe honestly criticized that young Boothe man’s acting.

Got Sperm?

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 17:26:00 +0000

Of course that's not sperm, it's oil. According to the video below your sperm is as valuable.

5-Minute Management Course

noreply@blogger.com (BUNS AND BARBS) — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 13:32:00 +0000

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor..

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs..

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand.. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at t he top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3 ) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Author Unknown