Today I learned...

my fear of death.

2015-07-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

It’s again 10:00 in the evening and it will be the fourth night in a row of insomnia if I couldn’t get to sleep tonight. Migraine is stinging my head right now but my mind is yet restless and this entry is about letting all those thoughts seep into paper (or blog), that is.

I’m one of those fascinated with time – of how it is categorized into past, present and future. And words such as ‘often’, ‘sometimes’, ‘usually’, ‘always’ and ‘someday’ are in the list of recently used words from my vocabulary. I was always the nostalgic one; the one who would tell others how much I miss those times I spent wasting with them. I enjoy joining the craze posting about #throwbackthursday, #flashbackfriday and even #waybackwednesday. Ever wondered why?

It’s because I am afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of that very instant – that second when you transition from a living to a dead person. I wonder what my last feeling and last thought would be just as how I’m curious who the last person I will be with. After that second of death, it’s oblivion. But I will never even know it because I’m no longer feeling nor thinking.

I’m afraid of not being able to feel and think. I’m afraid of not being able to see the world just as I tremble in the thought of leaving everyone behind. I won’t be able to see Daryl, Mama, Papa and Ian, and that thought tears my heart apart.

And though, for the last 25 years, I’ve been pushing the thought away; it remains. Every night, there is always a part in my prayer wherein I beg for Him not to take me yet because I still haven’t reached my dream, haven’t loved people just as much, and haven’t lived my life fully. Every morning, my actions revolve around what memory of me, I would be leaving behind.

As a child, I dreamed of being a seraph. But as I grew old, I learned that I didn’t want to die yet just so I could become one. However, in my years in social work, I realized that I could be an angel here on earth – if I choose to spread kindness and positivity all around. I just hope I did, for the last 25 years.

I am bidding the quarter of a lifetime goodbye soon. And it felt like it all happened so fast and yet I still remember some memories vividly, even from childhood. These comprise the memory of that night when my brother was born, that memory when I got my second bike, that night when I couldn’t sleep and I stared at my glow-in-the-dark Mickey Mouse watch. I can’t believe that I had grown so much and is a very different person now, from the 1-year old me.

I’m afraid of dying. And as I bid those years goodbye, I look back at these memories. There should be more journal entries about those precious memories and how they relate to my present. The future brings excitement but it also transports anxiety and fear.

I’m afraid but the solution is simple. I guess I just need to live more. From here on, every minute is a precious one. Thus, I don’t want them to be wasted in dwelling at negativity. For the rest of my life, I want to be happy and surely, the next days will be maximized.

to hold on.

2015-07-07T01:30:00.000-07:00

“Mahal pa naman kita.

Kaso ang kulit mo bi eh.

Pinipilit mong magbigay ako ng sagot para makatulog ka lang”.

I am writing because as I told you I can’t sleep when we’re not okay. I am writing because I don’t want these words to remain in my heart. It’s also ironic that I haven’t used the Snoopy towel that you gave me. I was saving it for a happy memory, I told myself. But tonight, when I got off the sink, away from my clenched fist, red teary eyes and a crushed heart, the Snoopy towel that you gave me was what struck my mind first. I reached for it for comfort. Words are too painful and hearing you saying it without empathy crushed my heart. I am not recalling the pain to play guilt trip on you. I just want to preserve that memory of pain – a pain that can only be brought by love. Love, really, is made up of smiles and tears. And only those with strong hearts can survive and sustain love.

Tonight, I am choosing to have a strong heart – the strongest is what I am asking for Him. I ask for light, amidst these darkness that enraptures me at 12:24 in the morning. I am sorry for what has happened, for pushing you to your limits, for asking you to show your affection to me even when you say you are not yourself tonight. I don’t know. Maybe, I am just too scared that you will let go of me. Ever since that instance when I rushed into your home in the middle of the night just to tell you how sorry I am and how committed I am to be with you and hold on to this relationship. Ever since that night that I cried and begged on my knees that we work it out. I may have developed a phobia from your choice of words – which you think it is better for us to part ways just so you could go on with what you have to do and just so I can be happy.

From then on, I walked on eggshells – cautious of every word I say and every action I make. I didn’t want to make you feel burdened just as how you felt at the start of our relationship. But here I am again. I was begging you to tell me you love me, at the un-godliest hour, just so I could sleep. To you, it might seem like it – a selfish request. But to me, it is an answer; a key. I wanted to be reassured that you’re still holding my hand. But I wronged us. Because of my doings tonight, I felt like your hand slowly drifted away. And all that I am holding on, at this very moment, is your pinkie finger.

I hold on to this Snoopy towel. In fact, when I placed it atop my face, I felt relieved. The memory of that day when you gave it to me played back. It was one of those happiest memories of us that I cherish. I was feeling down that day. I wanted to shut myself from the world and yet you begged me to go to you – and embrace you at your home. That was enough. But after eating lunch with a heavy psyche, you asked me to close my eyes. You asked me what I prefer between a pen case, a tumbler or a towel. I chose the pen case of course and you gave me one, outright. Little did I know that they were not choices but a list of things that you’re glad to give to me as a gift for our monthsary. I was so happy that moment bi. More than just the gifts, I was glad that you always bring a rainbow in my life, when it’s gloomy. And I really appreciate you for that. Never had I been made feel special, protected and cherished just as you did.

I hold on to memories. I catch myself painting a smile on my face at the thought of me being beside you last Friday morning. You sacrificed your sleep because I was not feeling well – that I need to see another doctor because the General Practice doctor probably gave me the wrong prescriptions. I was looking at you intently that morning. I was studying your eyes, nose and lips, your glasses even and preserved it in my memory. I didn’t know that my mind can work as a video recorder but it did. That picture of you with a half-smile while watching The Big Bang Theory beside me, and your hands holding my tablet while the other hand lovingly embraces me, is what plays in my mind at this very moment.

I hold on to our commitment to always choose and find our way back to each other even when things get rough.

“I love you and know that I am being unworthy right now. I am trying to understand myself at napepressure ako with you asking me what you can do to make things right. Don’t define yourself according to my happiness!!!! There are things that we can’t control. I’m not asking to break up. I’m just asking for your silence and your patience. If you push me over the edge, I might break up with you just because masakit na ulo ko at naiinis na ako dahil di ko naiintindihan sarili ko. I know I will regret it. You’re asking for answers I don’t have at the moment. I don’t even have the capacity and patience to think right now. I wish to be alone to sort myself out and not further damage our relationship. You mean a lot to me, which is why I don’t talk when I’m being difficult. And I’m sure you know why.”

I am choosing to hold on to your loving words, even the littlest of it, at times like these. I understand that you are just dead tired from all that has happened this weekend because I got sick and I ruined your schedule. I hold on to that moment, midnight of September 15, when you and I first hugged and kissed, beneath the starry night. It was magical. And I am holding on to it because ever since, that memory is enough to remind me how much I love you and how much you love me.

I am sorry for asking, even when I already know the answer. I’m sorry if I was asking for reassurance even when you already gave it to me a million times. I’m sorry if I let fear subside in my being just because of that night when I rushed into your home. I am sorry for not remembering immediately what happened after. You carried me from my begging knees and embrace me as we’re equal. You told me how much you love me, then and forever. You let me embrace you for as long as I needed. And you wiped my tears away. That same night, we sat beneath the starry night and renewed our commitment to choose one another, always. That we will make things work out, together. That even when the waves are crushing hard on to me, I promised that I will stay and be your best friend, apart from being a lover. I am sorry for not seeing beyond your tired and weary self, even when my gut feeling already told me to do so.

I am holding on to that pinkie finger and will never let it go. I will just have to wait, and challenge my impatient self, for you to talk to me again in your loving voice. I trust that you will also hold on to memories, words and our commitment to always choose one another. Because, we always do. That is why I know and feel, even in this ghastly instant, that I finally found my true love and Mr. Right.

Para kay James Roman

2014-02-15T00:00:00.003-08:00

You always say I'm like a mentor to you,
but don't you think it's how you let me experience you too?
Throughout IPD's highs and lows,
It's you whom I rest and share my ideas the most.

Days in the office with you were meaningful and lighter,
It's like I found Aristotle amidst the clutter.
Quite saddening for me to see you leaving,
But I understand that it's for your own search of meaning

Amidst life's business, I hope we'd find time for chat and beer,
You're one of those few people I'd like to be friends with through the years.

Fall in love with a Feminist

2012-09-09T08:27:00.001-07:00

I'm sure there would be a better feminist who could write this,
but this is just a try.

Fall in love with a feminist. Date a girl who spends more money on books and travels instead of clothes. You'll recognize her with her grace amidst simplicity. She has her own definition of fashion. She would never abide by the common notion nor of the societal image of beauty, since she is beautiful as she is, on her own nature. Her psyche of beauty is more than the physique, but of bringing out the best of a woman in her.

Fall in love with a feminist who accepts that you both only have the 'now'. She would never be a nagger, or would consciously try not to be one. She accepts that the present is a product of the past, and that the future depends greatly with the present. Because, somewhere inside her, she accepts that all things will come to an end. That, if you fail her, she'll understand that it's just a man's societal upbringing that made her into a man of lesser human than he is. That when he sees you're willing to take chances with her, she will help you understand that the world was made for both men and women, and that the burden MUST not solely be with men.

You can always make mistakes with feminists. You can always be as deviant for she is open-minded. She might even squat with you in the aisles when there are no more benches, or chase after the bus when both of you are running late. She wouldn't give up on late night dialogues just to thresh-out issues that are impeding the happiness for the both of you. You never have to be Mr. Perfect, for she knows that every person is in constant struggle for personal development.

She believes that 'the girl worth having won't wait for anybody'. She would never depend her happiness solely with you, but with her friends and family too. And that is the reason behind her sanity. She understands that happiness is a choice to be made, and not to retrieved from people around her.

Fall in love with a feminist because when you're with her, the world is in constant spontaneity. She is not suddenly affected by bad vibes nor get irritated with simple shortcomings. She might even accompany you in the train ride to pick-up your brother, just to make your night feel fine. She would not mind travelling hours more than you, just so the both of you could meet. She would not mind of you being late, just as long as you have a good reason for it. For in her mind, she understands that it is in two-ways of give and take, that love would work.

When you date a feminist, ask her if she wants to run, play soccer or ride the unicycle, just as much as you do. Ask her to learn how to play the guitar or find the right piano keys with you. Ask her not to be afraid of riding the roller coaster, or of the horse, or of the bicycle that has only one wheel. She would not mind doing hobbies of your interest, for inside her is also partly-a-man who likes adrenaline rush. She would be willing to share her time with you, with the things you love, and find beauty in those times as she appreciates you bringing her into your own world.

It's easy enough to fall in love with a feminist, contrary to the belief of some that it's difficult. She would argue with you when you try to grab her bag from her and lend her a hand, but in the sense that she too can do things on her own. She wouldn't mind if you don't pay for her meals nor her fares on a date because she understands that she is not your own responsibility. She is also trying to make things light for you.

You don't have to buy anything for a feminist, for she doesn't live in a material world. She might hate it when you set your hang-outs with her on a mall, for she appreciates being at the outside world, and be close to nature more. Conversations, debates and sharing interests is what she would want to spend more time with, rather than shopping or catching movies weekly. She appreciates gifts that you made on your own, or the poem or song you wrote especially for her. She wouldn't appreciate the latest trends of shoes nor of dresses as a gift, but the quality of time you spent together. Love, for her, is understanding between two people, that only the two of you could understand.

If she says she loves you, take her word for it. It is not easy for a feminist to find the guy she likes. She doesn't want to waste time on someone else who is close-minded and is not willing to listen with what she wants to say to the world. When those words come out from her, it is for a life time. Both of you might have misunderstandings in the long run, but she is more than willing to work it out with you, always. She keeps her words, just as much as she value the few true people she met in her life.

Love a girl who speaks her mind and heart, just to make things clear for the both of you. And when she asks for space, let her be. She just wants to sort-out things on her own, and get back to you with the understanding she has made on her own. She does not depend her life's decisions on others, but on her own. Thus, she needs her own time, just to be the person worthy of you.

You both have to give it a shot, somehow.

Find a girl to love that is a feminist, and the world would have been a better place to live in.

Inspired by Date a Girl who Travels by Aleah

http://www.solitarywanderer.com/2012/02/date-a-girl-who-travels/#axzz25ykb3FOg

something from living in auto-pilot

2012-06-11T19:58:00.001-07:00

Living in auto-pilot pertains to that days in your life when you do things in routine and doing tasks at hand without the 100% of your consciousness. This is what I refer to, when I talk about those days in the two months time that I think I was in a mud-pile of depression. I wake up, take a bath, eat breakfast, ride the jeepney, ride the train, work, then when the clock strikes 5:00PM, hurry going home, watch TV, eat dinner then sleep.

You'll personally know when you haven't done your best,

when there is a sense of regret inside you,

of not telling, of not asking and
of simply not doing what your mind was telling you to do.

During those days, I lack inspiration and the motivation to get up. I would do things just because I was needed to. I go to work, just to complete the 8-hour a day requirement of getting paid in full, after 15 days. I didn't do additional tasks leisurely, complained with all those stuffs and persons that would hinder my finishing the task at hand at the quickest time and the worst part was, I lost a sense with listening to music.

But I'm glad to be back in my consciousness and I knew I was, when I stopped begging for another 30 minutes every waking hour of the day. My body started to consciously wake up at 5:30 in the morning and my mind started to consider each detail of every minute that I was in. Lastly, my soul started to crave for music.

One fine day of celebrating music at UP.

I was knocked out of living in auto-pilot on the last day of May. On June 1st, I started to think that I wanted to live a new life from what I was living for the last two months. I realized that one has to be faced with new challenges in order to wake-up from that routine and from living in auto-pilot. New things make us be more conscious of our selves. New challenges make us relearn that we are not yet enough, and there is still more of what we have in our insides that the outside is waiting. Nonetheless, living in auto-pilot is a point in time where the transition from one era to another happens. It helps you adapt to "moving".

The past week has brought so many new things in my life. I was officially enrolled as a graduate student, and I was informed of being hired as a staff of Institutional Partnership and Development of the Pantawid Pamilyang Pilipino Program. These two changes poured very cold pail of water in my head, as I realized I am but a person yet unripe of holding responsibilities, but is in the process of learning to get there and should not be tired of always out there chasing after my dreams.

Edited by my dear friend, Eljay Lactuan. *claps*

The core of Pantawid Pamilya is helping the child stay in school and be healthy. My passion on helping children was rekindled. And, I realized I'm still too far from reaching that dream of being a regular staff at the UNICEF. It's still a long way to go, so I shouldn't be oversleeping, but living my dreams.

Looking at this picture makes me believe, for once in my life, I was at peace.

And I also realized... being productive doesn't come from concentrating on only one role at hand but being able to juggle all those roles of being a student, a social development worker and a frustrated guitarist all together. But, I guess that only applies to me, being hyperactive and for so long a time, been multi-tasking.

Life is an ice cream, eat it before it melts.

"we don't ever give up"

2012-06-06T08:30:00.003-07:00

Enrollment in UP is equivalent to preparing for a camping. I was prepared with two breads (one for me and one for my company), a book, music player and even brought the guitar all along. If it weren't for these things, I might have lost my mind at the chaos of the processing of papers, of waiting in long lines and of dealing with lots of different people.

I started the day early, aiming to make it to UP by 7:30 in the morning. Our adviser was already at PHAN, but she didn't accept talking with students until it was 8:00. I was glad to meet her because she was nice. I also felt lucky enough that she's the Department Head. It makes me feel like one of the best cookies being pulled out from a cookie jar.

Until, the administrative assistant sort of scolded me for enlisting subjects before I was advised by the Department Head. Me and Eljay had to go back to OUR to cancel the subjects we weren't allowed to take yet. Guess it isn't always a good idea to get ahead of everything.

My subjects for this semester.

All was flowing well until it was time for validation, assessment and getting our Form5s. I was lucky enough to get mine after 3 hours of waiting. But unluckily, Eljay didn't have the same fate. We waited until 4:00 until he burst out all his feelings of irritation and anger on the Registration Assistants, asking an explanation why his number "29" didn't follow 28 nor 30 nor higher numbers than "29" which meant his Form5 was left out, among all other grad students' documents. He apologized to me, for making a scene. But, I guess it wasn't necessary. People do need to vent out and some people do need to be reminded to keep up with their work at systematically the best way, at all times (which means careful planning, strategizing, etc.).

His being pissed off was coming from anxiety of not catching-up with our supervisor, of disturbing the almost perfect enrollment process I was going through by being a burden of waiting for him, and of spending another day at UP just for paying the fees. Which means, being absent again from work. He was feeling kind of hopeless that we might not finish all the enrollment errands within the day, after the confrontation with the RA.

But I told him "we don't ever give up, Jay." I was also shocked that I told him that at around 4:10 in the afternoon and we were just on our way to the OUR to pay the fees. Only to find out that the system was down at OUR, that we had to go another building called ISSI, with wishful thinking that we could get there on time in a duration of 15-minutes walking.

And so we did. We arrived at ISSI by 4:30. I was hoping that other students might have given up finishing all errands on that day and decided to come back again the next day, such that the line would not be too long when we get to the cashier. And, I was right. :)

By 4:45, we finished everything. I could have dance around after preciously holding my paid Form5, my proof that I am now officially enrolled as MA Psych student.

This is Eljay, seemingly teary-eyed, informing his Dad of the good news.

Holding the Form5. Out and proud. :)

After 7 months of preparing for this, here I am. And yes, until that day that I graduate from MA Psych, I will "don't ever give up." :)

everyday small joys are the foundation of happiness

2012-06-05T08:47:00.002-07:00

So then, what happened with my resignation letter? The ending is quite very funny.

As I looked back, my supervisor gently threw back to me my resignation letter, with a playful smile and a question "What's this?". "It's my resignation," I said. He told me we'll talk about it again later, but then he lent me the movie "The Secret".

After watching that movie, we never talked about it again. Until today... when the supervisor next in line asked about my decision to stay or go, seriously.

I learned that my college friend applied to our unit with the same position as mine and I know that there isn't a slight chance that she wouldn't get accepted. My supervisor even remembered that she's a Cum Laude, so I guess that's the assurance she will get in. After hearing from me that she is a very close friend of mine, they joked around saying "If we'd accept her in, would you stay?"

Junior year. With Mylene.

This was the day of our oath as life time member of Pi Gamma Mu.

My good friend was there to support me.

I wasn't quite sure of my answer. I definitely want to work with my friend in the same unit, with the same project and the same position. Just the thought of her being surprised at her first day of work and realizing that I'm there, fills up my heart with excitement. But, I'm also considering about the proximity of office, school and home. It is best to work in Quezon City (QC), go to school in QC and live in QC.

Hanging around UP, a few days before graduation.

UP is my favorite place in the world.

That is why I love Quezon City. :))

Then... this next in line supervisor asked about my resignation letter. I reminded him that it was thrown by our supervisor. He told me that it was found my our clerk, gave it to our supervisor again and was forwarded to the Director. I was quite sure that he was joking but to make it sure, I checked my files and found out the 2 copies of the resignation letter still neatly sealed in the envelopes. It was a joke, after all. I felt relieved.

He asked me to show him the letter. I hesitated at first then gave it to him when he said "I just want to see!".

"Why do you have 2 copies?", he said, while getting the letter out of the envelope and checking if the contents are same.

"Just so, I have a receiving copy for myself."

"Ah.. Okaaaa" , then ripping off the two letters without even finishing his words.

I was at a state of shock for a moment realizing that my ticket to getting out of the office was gone all of a sudden. Then, I felt happy that it wasn't turned in to the Director. Then, I felt happy that everyone agrees it was not the right decision. And, I'm happy that many people cares for me and my future, even at times when I myself have the most cluttered and clouded mind at the time of decision-making. I realized that it takes years and a dose of luck to find such nice people at work who would support you with your decision to study, who'd accept you for your weaknesses and are willing to help you grow, by never getting tired of teaching you the A-Z everyday, and who'd stay with you and let you drink a glass of beer in your all time low. These sort of people are as rare as diamonds to find.

Viewing of documentation of family camp, for their last comments and suggestions.

With Sir Arnel and Sir Anthony.

"Letters like this should be well thought about first", he ended.

Before I came back to my table, he told "Kring, your resignation will be effective 5 years from now."

So that was my simple joy. And that simple joy is the foundation of my happiness at work, probably for the rest of the year or for the next five years, if my supervisors' lips are of an angel.

"ask and it shall be given"

2012-06-03T07:05:00.001-07:00

The past two months was my mud-pile for the year 2012. I was in constant state of restlessness, anxiety and depression. I felt unhappy with work as I dread waking up early in the morning, fighting sleepiness in an almost an hour jeepney ride (wherein I always lose) and standing inside a crowded train thinking about tasks I needed to finish for the day, for the week and for the year. Most of the time, my tummy felt as if it was left with nothing, on early mornings. I would cough and as dry as it is, it would put my eyes into tears. And that's when.. at the first minutes of the morning, I felt my life was miserable and I wanted to stay at home and take a rest from all of its miseries.

"Rain doesn't always mean sadness.

Be grateful for the rain, that farmers would take rest for the day."

I didn't like it. I felt as thought it was myself in another body. I wanted to go back to how I felt, how I think and how I lived before, but giving-up became so easy. Probably, it was because of the routine. Probably, it was because of the long time travel to work. Probably, it was just because of my anxiety over a load of tasks at work and school that would start by June.

Once in a blue moon.

The worse that I did during the depression was make a resignation letter and giving it to my supervisor. I debated with the resignation with both of my parents. Though they tried their best to counsel and make my mind change by reminding me of my financial responsibilities and consoling me with food, it didn't work. I got a splash of reality that what I was planning was "plain gamble" when my supervisor called me to his table and said "what's this?" with a faint smile, referring to the envelope with my resignation letter. "I'll only approve of it if you're going to a greener pasture.", he added.

"But sir...."
"Let's talk about it later."

Later, he lend me a DVD copy of "The Secret". (For those who haven't seen it, here's the official movie site of The Secret). From then, everything has changed.

The movie told about "The Law of Attraction", and how our thoughts work like a magnet while our feelings are our ways to control our thoughts. To put it simply, "we are what we think". If I think of my life as miserable then it would be. If I think of myself as someone unhappy with work, I would continue to be. "I think, therefore, I am."

I think I'm happy. Therefore, I am.

I also learned by heart, in the past two weeks to believe in "ask and it shall be given". Because of all those stress, I would murmur, pray and think of my desire to have a work where I would be more happy. I thought that I would be, if I could transfer to the Central Office which was closer to my home, or if I find a new job which would be closer to home. Only to find out that once I open up my dilemma and ask from other people, they would help me, as if the universe is conspiring to my desire. Now, I feel like I'm on a win-win situation since I would be assigned to a new project by the end of June and I have a chance to transfer to a work near home.

"Ask. Believe. Receive."

It's with the way we think that defines our life. There's a lot in everyday that we should be thankful for. When we start to think of the bright side of every thing, especially those of the bad, it is where contentment, happiness and peace of mind would start to lurk with our beings. And yes, I believe this movie would change my life.

Coron is more than just a tourist spot.

2012-04-29T05:10:00.001-07:00

Coron is a historical place for Filipinos, Japanese and Americans. For historical buffs (like yours truly), it is a place to visit. Going to Coron was hitting two birds with one stone for me - I enjoyed the beauty of nature as I learned a puzzle piece of the World War II.

Coron is a municipality under the province of Palawan which is famous for tourists for its white beach, hot spring - a place of virgin and hidden natural beauty. It is a 45-minute plane ride from Manila through its domestic airport at Busuanga.

First: The Tourist Spot Side

Kiangan Lake.

It's a beauty isn't it. It could be reached after a 10-minute rocky trek.

And the views down-under through snorkeling is more amazing.

In there, I saw three heads as stone formation. It was quite scary actually but amazing!

CYC Beach.
This was where we took lunch and just swam after the tummy delight.
It was where I saw white fishes for the first time!

Eye-candy: View from boat rides of the island hopping.
The picture I took doesn't even do justice to see how beautiful it was up close.
The rock islands are just as majestic as the feeling of thousands of fishes
coming close to you during fish feeding.

Twin Lagoon.
The first lagoon was where our boat was docked,
while the second one was where we swam.
The waters of the lagoon was cold and deep that it was unsafe to bring a camera.

Okay then... let's go to the historical side of Coron.

Coron is famous as a diving site for its Japanese navy ships shipwrecks which all sunk on September 24, 1944 due to American bombs. I regret that I didn't have the chance to take a picture of the shipwreck I saw through snorkeling. I also regret that I couldn't come close through diving since it's too painful for the ears if you don't have those diving gadgets. Now, the shipwreck is just a site for fish feeding for tourists.

Coron Shipwrecks. My souvenir from Coron.

Photo by Nino Bayan.

Coron also has a mountain, the locals called Mt. Tapyas. "Tapyas" is a Tagalog word for "cut". (Apparently, I couldn't find the exact translation of the word.). The mountain looked as if it has been cut at one of its side because of the bomb that hit it.

Mt. Tapyas from afar.

This picture was taken at our first day in Coron, at my first few hours at the place.

While the next one was taken on the last day....

Sunrise from Mt. Tapyas

6 years ago, Coron was a private hide away treasure island for privileged and elite people. Before, people could only reach it through the private airport and the private airplane. But, through the Development Assistance from Korean International Cooperation Agency (KOICA), Busuanga Airport was built. Coron is also a glimpse of internationalism and what's going on in the world. But, I'm saving it for another blog post.

At Busuanga airport.

I wrote about Coron because memories from this trip flashed before my eyes last night, at the few minutes before I felt asleep, as if haunting me to write about its beauty and history. I'd like to back to Coron again and experience diving. Coron was such a sweet escape from the stress I get at Metro Manila. Now, it's just a memory I'll keep that would constantly replay on my mind.

Bye Coron! See you again!

And yes, this trip was my first time to ride a plane. :)

great things start from small beginnings

2012-04-28T07:54:00.001-07:00

"Great things come from small beginnings...." might be familiar to some. From childhood, I've been drinking this chocolate energy drink. The advertisement says that it helps a child have an active mind and body. It might somehow affected me, that on days that I couldn't drink that chocolate drink in the morning, I don't have the confidence to face the day. Today, I just want to express my gratitude to that drink who made me ready everyday.

But anyway... then again, it shouldn't be the focus of this blog post. :3

This what I usually stare at during train rides.

Yesterday's train ride home felt different. I decided not just to stare at people in front of me but to watch the outside world the train's window has to offer. My eyes were tying to fix itself at staring into buildings, trees and people passed by, but it couldn't due to the rush.

"The view from above."

This isn't actually taken from the train but from Ate Ame's condo at Makati.

But, this is somehow what I looks like from the train's window.

"The view from below."

This was taken at a sunny morning lunch time,

a break from paper works at the office.

Nonetheless, it felt great to stare at people from above. They looked small. In a moment, it seemed like I had the power to control them and to direct their lives. A minute at the train from above is equal to kilometers traveled. But as I shifted my view and tried to look at things from their shoes, I realized that a minute from the person down below would mean only five to ten steps. In addition, as they walked, they would feel the radiant sun heat and the pollution all around. Suddenly, I felt the difficulty of walking on the ground.

In a bird's eye view, it looked as if it was easy to help people. But, as you put yourself into helping one, you'll realize that each person came from different walks of life and maybe on a complex journey ahead. I realized it was easy to think of programs from the macro point of view but difficult to implement it in the micro.

Small beginnings is where every poverty reduction program should start. A small beginning that includes talking with people, living with them, understanding them and putting yourselves in their shoes. More than that, is pulling-out from them, the will to change their lives that they themselves decide to take the road to a better life with minimal gratitude in the assistance to be given to them from government / non government organizations. The road to achieving success in the "great things" starts with that first small beginning step. That's what I learned today.... I mean yesterday. I'm glad to be back blogging. ;)

trade deficit and how to solve it, when a social worker meets an economist

2012-01-30T06:51:00.000-08:00

After the study tour of VOA to Perez, Alabat Island, I was hanging around with an undergraduate student of economics from Kyushu University. We had some reflections about the trip and about the sociology and economy of Perez, Alabat Island.

All photographs by ACCESS intern, Aya Takahashi.

"Students are needed on the field,

they are the ones who have the knowledge that needs to be applied." - Kuya Tito

We both agree that the discussion time was too short that it was bland, and had a bitter after taste. He thinks we should have not just concluded with the two ways to define poverty but how to solve it.

Sari-sari store at Perez town proper, selling goods each family needs.

"Trade deficit" is what economists pertain to the situation wherein the economy of a geographical location cannot stand on its own. In the case of Perez, there is trade deficit, since people buy goods from neighboring towns a boat ride away from the island. They couldn't even produce what they need on their own locality, and that they exchange what they need for higher prices from another place.

Perez and its wealth: natural and human resources.

Yet, there are so many resources in Perez that people in there could use. Salt can be taken from the sea while vinegar could be made out of coconut water and even rice washings. (I recently reasearched about it and found this. The next time, I go there, I want to show / teach them how to.) People hasn't learned this and hasn't discovered it too, or probably gave up making little industries because they have succumbed to coco farming, rice farming and fishing which are the 3 most common livelihood opportunity at the island.

The economist told me his realization that education at Perez is patterned over what people would need to be enrolled in colleges or universities. However, most of them could not even finish high school and step into college, thus this knowledge becomes abstract and useless Learning about chemistry, biology, physics and algebra is important but what's more important is to learn how to survive. The economist thinks education at Perez and Alabat Island should concentrate more on science and mathematics of surviving life at the island. What's practical has been neglected and taken for granted over what's abstract. I couldn't agree more.

We need to help each child become a scientist for the people.

What's more is that, people like to eat meat and use "magic sarap" at every cooked food they prepare, which is beyond necessary. If people would plant vegetables in their backyards, they could have enough food to eat, and better yet vegetables to share and sell at the local market. However, people has concentrated on coco-farming, copra-making and act as 8-hour laborers just like people in the city. There could have been better life for them if they lived freely, scientifically and critically by cultivating land and growing produce they eat rather than export / trade.

Here's a memory of our interview with a coco-farming family.

Their dream is to rebuild their house, and make it stronger but poverty hinders them.

In the end, we had this vision of a community wherein people at the island have vegetables and fruits at their backyards, where people share or sell their salt and vinegar to neighbors and where people only use money for education and medication rather than "magic sarap".

Thank you for all the learning at Perez. Truly, everyone could be a teacher.

the two ways to define poverty (VOA tour to Perez)

2012-01-24T07:21:00.000-08:00

Over the long weekend (Thanks to Chinese New Year! Kung Hei Fat Choi!), VOA (Volunteers of ACCESS) had its first organized short tour to Perez, Alabat Island, Quezon. It's in this trip that Kuya Onin's camera has shown its getting old so pictures are from my fellow VOA members, Aya and Wakana. ;)

What we did in Perez were...

Play with children.

Interview with coco farmer

Interview with fisherman

Participants also did home stay, with one person each home stay family. In this trip, it was second time that I heard the view that the objective of home stay is not clear and uncertain if it would help participants understand poverty. However, in my case, when I did home stay in rice farming village in Batangas and with a fisherman's home at Perez, I felt isolated from my comfort zone at sleeping time. Thus, the feeling of being lonesome and hopeful to change the place where you're in at the moment spurred. Probably, for Japanese students, the experience would be more compelling and surely "you'll never know it unless you try"

Roamed around town proper.

Play with children, for these little people possess in themselves a universal language.

Ate delicious food made by our fellow volunteer, Masa.

And lastly, play with Macho. <3

In the morning of our last day in Perez, we had a little reflection and discussion of whether "Perez is poor or not." Though it was limited time, it was nice to hear opinions of same-aged people and see the similarities and differences of our points of view. Most said Perez is poor but not as poor as other places like Africa. More so, poverty's sense of meaning is different if you look into other people's mind. Some would say it is when people have "less freedom" or "lack of choice" while some would say, it is when people "don't have electricity in their houses, could not eat thrice a day nor could send their children to school". More over, some would say, poverty is when sadness has struck your life chronically and that happiness beyond the limitation of material abundance is wealth.

So how do we define poverty then? This is where the two ways to define poverty enters.

One is, relative poverty (the subjective one).
Keyword: "in relation"

which measures poverty through the feelings of happiness or contentment of a person in his or her life. For example, a person may be materially unable than another one, but he or she might think his/her life is better since their family is together, their traditional values preserved. On another note, a middle class student may feel he is poorer than his/her classmates since s/he doesn't own the things others own.

Relative poverty is commonly used in surveys wherein opinions of people whether they feel their life is getting better or worse is checked. It's one way for government to know if development is felt by its constituents.

Another one is, absolute poverty (the objective one).
Keyword: absolute equals zero or poverty line

In the realm of social welfare and development studies, a concise and measurable tool to define poverty was invented to know who and where the poor are. In contrast with relative poverty, absolute poverty marks the demarcation between who is poorest of the poor, poor, middle class and upper class. A clear example is explaining that a family earns only 2 dollars a day, thus is considered poor.

During the study tour to Perez, I realized these concepts are nothing if you study it inside the four corners of the classroom. Understanding is abstract and vague if you haven't seen what is outside and real. At the last day, I realized these 2 ways to define poverty are nothing but concepts and what's more important is how to solve the inequality between the land-owner and coco farmer as well as the boat owner and the small fisherman.

Studying isn't practical at all, if we don't use knowledge as way to improve and enhance or invent social technologies to alleviate poverty. Knowledge would be mere concepts, floating in the air and gradually die out, such as the field of philosophy.

So much for thinking, it's time to go say goodbye to Perez.

And these three sure had great time on the boat to home.

Goodbye and see you again Perez!

the pros and cons of being a UP student

2012-01-17T05:38:00.000-08:00

"Buti na lang Kring, hindi ka mayabang kahit tagaUP ka."
"It's good that even though you're from UP, you didn't turn out to be boastful Kring."

That's what remained as a memory of today from a jeepney ride with a colleague. It also left me wondering why most graduates of UP are seen as boastful or arrogant. I think, they're just doing their best, and are hated for it. It's no difference from people of other schools that have boastful creations too. However, it is the stereotype that coming from a prestigious university makes one righteous and arrogant.

"Matapang, matalino, walang takot kahit kanino." We were taught to speak out our opinions and ideas, without being afraid. We were trained to sacrifice our sleeping hours to finish our term papers, thesis, reaction papers along with a bucket of reading list, in that hard work was always equal to a good mark and a happy feeling inside of fulfillment. It was made clear to us that "there is a time for work, and a time for play". We were taught to exert all the best in what's within us, to every work at hand.

This is just but one con of being a UP graduate. Yet this is not of heavier weight at the shoulder. To be a graduate of UP entails a series of proving one's self uplifting "honor and excellence" and being very careful of each move so as to preserve the name of the school, your name is connected to. At times, there might be some instances when you're asked to stretch your duties, just because you could do better than anyone else. And though, one hasn't the agenda to lift one self, a UP graduate is most often compared to graduates of other school. Believe me, it is but also a difficult life-long task of patience and humility.

But let's also look back to the PROS.

Like me, with no any other achievement in other realms of life such as sport, being a graduate of UP is the only saving grace where I get my confidence to make my dreams come true. Being a graduate of UP opens your doors to endless possibilities, if you carefully choose your path to go and doors to enter. Have you heard of the tutor website where only students or graduates from UP are admitted? In my three years as a worker, I experienced proof that a UP graduate doesn't have any difficulty looking for a job since he or she if from UP. But of course, one will be, because UP has already equipped him/her to do well.

Another good thing about UP and its culture is its organizations and clubs. In our freshmen and sophomore years, we all tried to enter organizations and clubs and has undergone a series of emotional, mental turn down of challenges. As I look back, I went to my Art Studies class one morning with my eyes puffed because of tears, as I just finished my final interview with the International Club of UP. My classmates consoled me that morning saying that "we all go through with it, but the best part is being accepted as a member." As I prepared myself for an interview with DSWD months back, I looked back to that day and I compared it. If it haven't for that "hell day" as an applicant of ICUP, I haven't nourished the self-esteem in me to be just myself in interviews and just tell what is in my heart and mind without considering if I get accepted or not. Fortunately, in both interviews, I passed.

In contrast, I grew up to be humble because of UP because in UP it was an endless chase of knowing that you are the best, but meeting somebody else that is better than you. In UP, I learned my strengths, own talents and skills just as I learned my weaknesses, from the fellow UP students I earned as friends through the years. Getting a grade of 2.75 taught me that I could not pass, if I don't read. It is in my failures as a UP student, that I learned to become "everyone's student" for I am not as good as them. Everyone, even the jeepney driver, the farmer, the fisher folk or the child at your neighborhood, can be your teacher.

With my batch mates at UP. It was our last year.

It was time, everyone was both sad and happy.

Only one thing I hope is that, UP graduates shall be seen as ordinary people too, with emotions and could commit mistakes, just like them. But anyway, in life, everything always has its pros and cons, you just have to live with it.

to think globally but act locally

2012-01-14T07:10:00.000-08:00

I seem to remember posting this before, right on the day that I learned what it really means. Yet, today, I was reminded by Kuya Fishy, the Japanese student who went to Mindanao from his homeland Japan, to help the Sendong victims. To read the news about him, click here.

To think globally means to see things or problems not only in the boundaries of geographical demarcations wherein you are situated, but to see things at a bird's eye view. To understand poverty means seeing povety as well as wealth of other neighbor nations and the world as a whole. If there is push and pull between rural and urban poverty in the Philippines, there is also a presence of the push and pull between the developing and developed First World countries.

However, to think this way it too abstract that you can't even understand anything. Today, Zenta told "to see things in a general view is seeing nothing at all." (I'm sorry if it wasn't verbatim for his words were more creative than mine.) I learned it through ACCESS.

That is why.. we must "act locally". Action should take place from the level of the person, of the group, of the organization, of the barangay, of the local government to the national level. Of course, each problem should be sorted and defined in its own specific term, and to be analyzed historically, before a solution maybe applied. (OMG, that's made my mind bleed a little). I just remembered, as I was letting time pass at Papemelrotti this afternoon, I read "When you see a hungry child, feed one. When you see a homeless family, shelter one. Hope begins with one."

Anyway, I'll try to make an example.

Perez, Alabat Island, Quezon

At Perez, Alabat Island, Quezon, fishing is one of the main sources of income of families below the poverty line. Yet, their problem not only involves lessening small fishes due to practice of dynamite fishing but more so, is the presence of large fishing boats from Taiwan, China and Japan. Because of these high-tech and large ships from other countries, abundance of fish to be caught by the small fisherman from Perez, is affected. Thus, the problem is not just because of the situation at the fisherman village but of international relations. This is to "think globally".

Small boat locally called as "bangka" used by small fisherman.

This was taken after Typhoon Santy struck the island.

Then, "to act locally" would mean getting each fisherman to know the situation. Well, actually, they already know but they are scared to take action individually, thus the role of community organizing enters. The action should come from the fisherman themselves first, although a move from the United Nations or lawmakers of Philippines is also important.

It was difficult for me to understand "think globally, act locally" when I was a sophomore student of BS Social Work. Yet, I learned it through experience. I wanted to explain it to others who have difficulty understanding it too. I tried. ;)

I also try to live this thinking "to think globally but act locally" by being a VOA member. By the way, we had meeting today and it was about short study tour to Perez, on January 21st to 23rd. I hope the weather would be fine because I don't want to be stranded at Atimonan Port again and reminiscing memories of Perez from the port. VOA thinks globally by having people of different nationalities think about poverty while, to act locally is to show these people poverty at the micro level of a fishing village at Perez, Alabat Island, Quezon.

Would you think they are poor because of the condition of their house?

Or would you think they are rich because of their smiles?

religion can be individually defined.

2012-01-09T07:55:00.000-08:00

I got this picture from Yahoo News.

"That's scary" is what first struck my mind when I saw this picture. First, the maroon color illuminates a sense of mystery, of depth, of sacrifice and of poverty. Second is the mass of devotees that is just too many in that, every year, I expect injuries or deaths from this traditional religious event in Quiapo, Manila.

I've been a pious Roman Catholic as a child and grew up going to church every Sunday and attending legionary sessions before masses during Saturday or Sundays. However, as I have grown, my Catholic traditions have been diffused as a shadow. At one point in my life, I was an atheist. Until gradually in the present, I believe in divine intervention and more of the spiritual life as a life dedicated to achieving balance and equality in the world and restoring what once was good relationships between peoples

And as I see the devotees of the Black Nazarene, I somehow see despair. Would God want you to get injured or killed just to let Him know how devoted you are to Him? Would God want His people to offer Him golds and diamonds, instead of kindness or humane living? I think not.

I'm not scared of death, for I know I have lived my life the way I want it. I'm not rooting for Heaven since I was aiming to experience Heaven on Earth. I am not expecting life after death, since there isn't just enough evidence from science that we can, but I playfully believe in reincarnation and karma. I believe not in Jesus as King but Jesus as the first community organizer and defender of welfare of the many. I trust that the World was not made through creation but from the gradual evolution of the cosmos. I don't go t church on Sundays anymore, but I spend my Saturdays and some of my Sundays, with the less fortunate to make them feel someone cares for them, like Jesus. I define my religion or... I'd rather not call it a religion, but my spirituality.

This picture is also from Yahoo News.

What I see with the Black Nazarene is poverty, wherein people struggle to get their selves to the altar walking in their knees, to make a sick relative healed. I see people, without any other ways to solve their problems (because they are just too poor to do so) cling to the word of God and His miracles. This worldview has been passed on to us in the more than 300 years that we were in the hands of Spain.

I am not saying we shouldn't continue these traditions, for I'm scared of being bashed as righteous. But, what I hope people to do, especially on the bottom of the pyramid, is to reflect why they do so, and what made them do so. Isn't sitting quietly in prayer with one-on-one conversation with Him nearly enough to tell Him how much you love Him and trust your life in Him?

What has kept me in wonder for many years now is that of my Japanese friends' attitude of being helpful. They are not Christians and are definitely not Catholics, but they are humanitarian.

See other pictures from here.

how to walk the talk by organizing study tour to Japan.

2012-01-08T06:39:00.000-08:00

So I have this crazy idea I wanted to share with VOA members yesterday yet I didn't just because I think it was crazy. It was on the first few minutes after waking up, on a Wednesday morning, that it dawned on me an idea to sponsor study tour to Japan for ACCESS's full time staff.

This was my very first visit / study tour to Perez with the first VOA members.

That first time I was asked by Kuya Goto "why do you think Perez is poor?"

I started to work in ACCESS in 2009 and I met more or less 135 Japanese in a span of three years. They all have met Filipino staff of ACCESS and I know at the back of their minds, they still have that memory of 12 days in Philippines, learning about poverty in a Third World country and finding the treasure of Filipino smiles. "Why can't we gather all the people that we love in one place?", asked Snoopy so then I asked myself that early morning if it was possible to make them meet again. I feel luckier that I could still talk with Japanese friends and acquaintances through the internet, but how about my fellow Filipinos who's unlike me spending the waking and close to sleeping hour of their day at the internet. The day they meet again, is a day filled with inspiration and reigniting the fire that was once lightened in Manila, Smoky Mountain, Perez or Pinatubo.

Memory from the first long study tour of ACCESS that I joined.

I fell in love with the concept of "study tour" at that time.

It was August 2009.

I talk about "walking the talk" because for almost 3 years, I have been an advocate of equality between the Japanese and the Filipino. It is very "ideal" and for some, might be "unrealistic" and "unreachable". Yet, one step is to practice a principle on it's own home. Isn't it a little unfair that only the Japanese students learn from the Filipinos and the Philippines? In an ideal and equal world (that I want to live in), there are "no boundaries" and that any one can go to another country freely. However, the only problem and the only difference is money. Of course, Filipino staff can't go to Japan because they might as well use their money for the basic needs of their family such as food, shelter, health and education (Yes, clothing is a bit luxury).

I became very good friends with Tachi during that August 2009 long tour.

I learned that Japanese people are fun to be with,
and that there is nothing to be scared with.

They are different people from the Japanese during the WWII.

Of course, fellow ACCESS Filipino staff have their best Japanese friends too.

Like Tomomi, Tinton and Shohei.

There might be negative differences of culture, but what's nice is to learn from each other. I've always heard from Japanese participants of study tour that they are surprised and touched with the smiles from children and every Filipino they meet in my home country, amidst the difficult life they face each day. Most of them also admire the Filipino's "close family ties" wherein, a parent's greatest happiness is making his/her son/daughter finish school.

And they learn it through first hand conversations with Filipino families,
in the form of an interview.

This was our interview with a family who relies in coco farming for their living.

Like all other Filipino staff, I haven't been to Japan. Probably, if I go there I'd admire the big buildings, neon lights yet carefully preserved traditions of the Japanese. I would have to admire their discipline and "grace under pressure". I'd love to see sakura and yuki. Probably, every Filipino staff would have these things kept in mind before going to Japan. Yet, I want to know what I don't know yet.

Japan is something so close yet so far, for all of us.

What is there in Japan that kept the nation successful? What makes the Japanese the most disciplined people in the world? What made them value hard work and putting their hearts in what they do every time? How have they kept their Japanese traditions for so many years and continue to be loving their own? And more of list of questions...

When Japanese friends go back to Japan, it feels like it is something inevitable.

What's left are just memories and the hope that someday,
they'll come back, just to nurture the friendship.

While on a jeepney ride, I was wondering whether Filipino students from UP, Ateneo or La Salle would be interested to join a study tour to Japan. In that case, I'd like to be a leader. Lol. But then, I need to be a participant too, first. And then... another thought came to my being of saving the money VOA gets from profit of organized 1 day short tours to Smoky Mountain and Perez and use it as fund for Study Tour of ACCESS Filipino Staff to Japan later. But then, only saving for fare would take more than 10 years, I guess. Lol. どしょうかな？Orz

"Why can't we gather all the people that we love in one place,

I know I could but there would always be some one who'll leave.

I know what I need. I don't need goobyes, I nee more hellos." - Snoopy

I told you. It was a crazy idea. ;)

the smiles of children is the greatest reward for hard work

2012-01-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

私の仕事は大変疲ですけど、とてもたのしいです。

子供たちの笑顔は私の宝.

I know this blog post is a little late but I just finished writing the documentation report for the Pasko ng Batang Pinoy 2011 Grand Christmas Celebration yesterday at the office and it brought me to a very happy memory. I found a treasure that day and that is the smiles of children.

These children especially requested me to take a picture with them.

Photo by Jenny Darish

As the event was nearing its end, I came across someone I didn't want to. But then, I tried to be casual and greeted that someone a "Merry Christmas". What I got was a sudden inertia of anger and hate. My mistake took a thousand wave of unfolds. The day could have been perfect except for that part. As I went back to my post in the sound system, I sat quiet and still for a while. A child passed by running... reaching for the balloon which other children were also trying to reach. They were blocking the projector and though it was my task to tell them to stay away from it, I let them there. It was heart-warming to see their shadows on the big screen. They were having so much fun. If I had a camera, I would instantly take a picture of them. Though it wasn't a perfect shot, I would keep it since it washed away my comfortless feelings.

Children waiting for their turn, at the inflatables.

Photo by DSWD-Central Office, SMS.

The event was held last December 22, 2011 at Cuneta Astrodome in Pasay City. Every office-mate was wearing their red shirt while the children were wearing their own colors. Yet, before the event, it was a week full of rush, frustrations, miscommunication, office-mates fighting over small things just because they're too tired. Actually, the behind-the-scenes made my heart beat stronger because of the work and challenges, than the event itself.

Me and my office mates sitting around at Lunch Time.

The only time that we had free time. xd

My Japanese friends Rulika, Zenta and Miori also went there but I felt anxious that I couldn't event take them around because I couldn't leave my post in the sound system. Rulika said she didn't expect that the event would be as big as she saw it that day. I mis-explained to them I guess, that the event was DSWD's, so it really is HUGE. There were 1,000 children who participated from 17 local government units of Metro Manila.

Me with the DJs. They let me be a DJ too, for a day.

or to put it in other words, Sound Director. :))

Photo by Jenny Darish

President Benigno Aquino III was also there as well as his sister, Ms. Kris Aquino (and her children, Joshua and James). Here's a copy of his speech during the event - CLICK! Coco Martin, John Lapuz and Going Bulilit Stars was also there. Ms. Venus Raj, DSWD's ambassadress for children was also there to play games with the children delegates. There was also an inflatable playground, face and body-painting, food and of course, gifts.

The President lead the gift-giving.

And! It was nice to see the traditional dance called "Igal-igal" of Sama-Bajaus through their children. As I searched through the net, it is a widely accustomed dance of Southeast Asia with the body's movement metaphorically pertaining to the gentle rush of waves in the sea and the quick footwork at the bottom representing little sea creatures such as crabs, snails,etc at the shore.

Makati - my area of assignment for CY 2012.

My only wish is that the children spent a happy day through our hard work, because they surely made me happy just by watching their smiles from afar.

the leader of the band is Dad.

2012-01-03T03:04:00.000-08:00

Today at work, I'd like to celebrate that finally, 4 homeless families that I handled has accessed their financial assistance of house rental and is now in the safety of their four-walled homes. Their livelihood assistance and the start of planting sampaguita is yet to follow. ;)

Yet today, I wanted to celebrate one more special event, and which I should be thankful for - my Father's birthday. And this is a blog post of how he has been more than a father but my English professor, music teacher, trainer in biking and swimming, editor, guidance councilor and my best friend over the years.

Papa, With Yuri and Bebe, fellow ACCESS volunteer.

He was 1/2 of the reason why my name is "Kristiane". On his dating years with my mother, they watched movies a lot and one of those was about a girl named "Kristiane" who defeated all the other boys in a competition on biking exhibition. Seemingly, he was hoping I would stand up above the rest and taking a leap in the boundaries of gender differences. I hope I did. :3

When I was 2, he cut my hair in that I looked like a boy. He really wanted the first born to be a boy and as I went out to the world, I was sorry for making him frustrated that I wasn't. However, I think I grew up to be androgynous. At times, he would comment on my short skirts, showy sleeveless shirts and make-up but I learned as times passed, that it was his way of showing care and just being protective.

When I was 3, we both waited in my the living room of grandfather's home for the birth of my baby brother. While we were playing at the middle of the night, he asked me "would you love your brother?". "Of course, I will Papa.", I can still remember that I promised him that. So I did.

My brother and me. Photograph by Papa.

When I was 4, he introduced me to biking. We would sail out early in the morning to Legazpi Port to practice. And as the day finally came that the training wheels was detached from my cute and rainbow colored bicycle, our hearts were both filled with laughter and happiness that it was my first success in life! From then, on weekends we would go the port or the park to bike, bike and bike. I guess "the adventurous me" came out of the shell, in these years.

When I was 7, he taught me how to swim. In Legazpi City, we lived near the sea. Pacific Ocean was just a 3-minute walk from my grandfather's house. My mother said I nearly drowned when I was 3 because of my father. Lol. But, because of him too, I can survive any accident in the sea. I grew up, never being scared of riding a boat. When I turned 19, I was riding a boat to Alabat Island monthly. I was never afraid because for such a long time, he already prepared me for it.

We were glowing in the light.

When I was in elementary, he worked far away from home (Sorsogon City, Metro Manila) and that his way to be a parent to me and my younger brother, was to write letters. Each of his letters to me were written in English and had drawings of chickens or rooftops or stars. This was how he thought me English and love for the arts.

When I was in high school, he taught me how to use the computer by making me interested with Paint and games. He never stopped telling me to "keep the curiosity" and "never stop experimenting". I grew up being computer-literate and never afraid of gadgets and all other stuffs as long as i keep the curiosity to learn. As a third year high school student, I would go home early to catch his guitar-lessons although I really hated it at first. He kept me interested by playing my favorite songs.. until the day came that I sang solo in a gathering of Redemptorists playing "Torete". Thank you for the gift of music.

At Banaue. :)

When I was 15, he stayed beside me every night when I was crying because of my anxiety in going to UP. I felt so belittled with the BIG WORLD I would be facing in the vast forestry of the University of the Philippines, its well-known professors and fellow UP students who were Valedictorian or Salutatorians from their high schools. He reminded me that I grew up not afraid of things and yet I am so scared of trying a new thing that would greatly affect my future. Amid my cries and pleas, he stood up with me on the lines to get medical certificates, enroll in classes and reserve a room in Kalayaan Dormitory. He would visit me every Saturday at the dormitory, treat me ice cream and we would have long walks. Because of those, I was able to adapt to the pressures of being a Freshman at UP. Thank you so much for this Papa.

Celebrating my graduation day with pizza!

When I was 17, I asked him that I wanted to shift to BS Psychology. BUT, he didn't permit. He challenged me to finish Social Work first, (if I really am serious with studying Psychology), and study Psychology after I become a social worker. I took it. And this year, I hope to take my Masters in Psychology.

He has also been like a father to my friends.

When I was 19, he showed me the way to ACCESS Office (even though he also didn't knew) at the day of my interview with the Executive Director and the NGO's Finance Officer. After my interview, I told them I was with my father. I felt ashamed of it, but in the end, my father became a very good supporter and volunteer of ACCESS too. In the long run, the partnership of Redemptorist and ACCESS grew.

After a late afternoon swimming at Alabat Island.

When I was 21, he became worried about my health and in everyday reminded me to "drink milk". And yes, I am doing it so don't worry much about me Papa, okay? :3

Hanging out at 13th St, with my new laptop from him.

Now that I'm 22, we talk about work and philosophical things. That is why I want to finish reading "Sophie's World" because I also think it is somehow comparable to me and my father's story. And yet, he borrowed it and again, he would be the first one to finish a book I bought for myself. xd

I dedicate this song to Papa.

I am nothing, if not for my father's love.

Really, "My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man".

Happy Birthday Papa! I love you. <3 - Kring

love does things for reasons that reason cannot understand.

2012-01-02T06:31:00.000-08:00

"I am tired of trying to hold things together that cannot be held. Trying to control what cannot be controlled. I am tired of denying myself what I want for fear of breaking things I cannot fix. They will break no matter what we do." Celia Bown (The Night Circus, Erin Morgenstern)

From my friend, Lyra

And I'm sorry for very random thoughts.

28 months or 852 days or 20,448 hours or 1,226,880 minutes.

This is not a love post. This is a post about love.

I knew this time would come but I didn't expect it would come too soon.

It was time to say goodbye.

In the year 2011, I thought it was lost, then it came back then I realized in the last day of the year that it was a delusion. I was looking for things I could not see, in the darkness. That there was of no difference in comparison with friendship, as I felt more loved by my friends. So then, we're better off as friends. Or maybe, it was better for me to wander around the world alone first.

At times, I thought it was not the right time. There was NEVER a right time. Why wait for the right time when there is no right time until you make it happen! Untimely as it is. Today I learned... Newton's first law of motion "The velocity of a body remains constant unless the body is acted upon by an external force." applies to love too. I always believed "Love does not die a natural death. It dies because of sadness, and it dies because of lack of nurturing." I hope he understood that.

In the year 2009, I told myself "the next time I fall in love, it would be my last." And so I hold on, not realizing I would be hurt too much in the process of not letting go.

In the year 2007, I found my own definition of love, that "Love is an understanding between two people that only the two of them can understand." If there is no more understanding nor communication, how can it grow? Love starts with mutual understanding, isn't it?

Bakit sayo pa nagkagusto?

Parang bula, ika'y naglaho.

(January to July 2011)

- Porque by Maldita

Once a stranger, twice an enemy, thrice a lover. What's worst about love is that it consumes everything, leaving nothing behind. It drives you into sleepless nights and happy mornings. But then, all the memory will be washed away once its gone. Strangers become friends then lovers then strangers again. That is what I don't like about it. However, it's inevitable.

On the first day of 2012, I realized... Love is not planned nor forced to bloom. Love happens, as it happens naturally. And I hope, it would be long enough before I start to write about love again.

Love is troublesome. Let's just enjoy the present, learn from the past and look forward to future. 愛は面倒です。レッツが存在を単に楽しむ、過去から学び、将来を楽しみにしています。

Whatever the reason is, I hope I understand it soon.

Here's a better version, I couldn't tag in Blog Post -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDR_ldGke6A&ob=av2n

there's a reason why there is only one Friday in a week.

2012-01-01T02:39:00.000-08:00

I was there. In the New Year's Countdown to 2012 at Eastwood City, Quezon City, with friends. It was my first time to join the festivity at the Metro, as I was always celebrating it in my hometown, Legazpi City, Albay. Somehow, at the last 5 minutes of December 31, 2011, I didn't want January 1, 2012 to come and just stop time. 2011 was just so good and happy that it's a little sad it's chapter is closing, and I needed to be ready for another year of surprises. Really, time flies when you're having fun. たのしいかたですよ。

Following photos by Kuya Onin. :)

Happy New Year every one. :)

Fireworks at Eastwood City

Celebration at The Pink Room

The whole month of December was like the last Friday of 2012. Too many get-together, hang-outs, food, gifts, drinking and laughter. I enjoy this time of year when I get to see my closest friends as they come home for the holidays, or as we have more money to hang-out more. But, I always thought that after all the happiness, there is a price to pay. So cynical. That is why I'm a little afraid to experience too much happiness bring equal amount of sadness in the long run. In deed, there was... such as the earthquake in Japan on the first day of 2012. I hope not too many people get injured, unlike what Sending did nor the March 2010 Japan's earthquake.

Some happy memories of 2012....

Photos by Kuya Onin.

So I was thinking... there is no whole happiness without the sadness. I always believe that one could not exist without the other, that you wouldn't feel happiness if you didn't feel sadness. In the recent days, I was lurking the streets of Cubao, Ayala and Eastwood City. On one of my walks to find a cab in Cubao to go to St. Lukes Global City, I passed by street families and street children whose Christmas and New Years are spent on the streets. More over, on the way home, I happened to pass by homeless street families in Robinsons (Ortigas) with their make-shift homes. My work is never-ending, waiting for me. 2012 is another year to face the challenges of changing the lives of these street children and street families, and drive them to a safer home and a more productive and meaningful life. My exposure to poverty, has made me this cynical, I guess.

Street Children. Photo by DSWD-Social Technology Bureau.

And if you have more time, please watch this video I made.

The reason why there is only one Friday in a week and only one December on a year is that, people should enjoy themselves once in a while. Enough for them to face the hardship and challenges of life that is yet to come. Probably, if it was Friday everyday, then it would be no longer so much fun.

P.S.

I found this really nice video that I wanted to share. But I couldn't embed it for Blog Post only supports YouTube Videos. This video is perfect for my blog and for all of us in 2012. Life is better when we continue learning. :) LEARN!

my goals for 2012

2011-12-30T17:19:00.000-08:00

Today, I met my best friend from college and until now, a very close friend, Lani. The last time we saw each other was December 29 - 30 of 2011. Since 2009, we only saw each other once a year, but as I was with her today, I feel like nothing has changed.

Because we were only two, we could only take picture of each other. :3

Lani, enjoying her Caramel Smoogee and the Seafood Pizza.

That cap is Lani's gift. I really like it.

And of course, she took the picture. <3

We think and talk about the same things - social work, social problems, love and all other small things beneath the sky to be pondered of. She has gone beyond a friend, or a best friend, she is a sister, a family member. "A family member doesn't forget another one", as I quote from my Japanese friend Shohei.

"Straight and curly" Photo by Lani.

She became more beautiful and happy, especially that he has found his God's will. I hope to meet mine too in the near future. :3

"We'll all come home when the years collide." - Stereo Goes Stellar

Photo by Kuya Guard using Lani's camera.

And she told me that she has "New Year Goals" rather than "New Year's Resolution". I appreciate this kind of thinking because if you talk about resolutions, it feels like dwelling on problems while goals seems positive, and something to be reached while being contented with where you are now.

So... as I've been pondering last week. I would have to limit my goals into only 5, so that it would be easy to achieve. Lol. And I wouldn't get frustrated much since more goals - more frustration.

My New Year Goals are as follows:

General Goal: Healthy, Balanced, Happy 2012.

1. EAT, SLEEP, DRINK HEALTHY

My family and close friends really worry about my disorder in eating. Lol.

So, that's the primary thing to be fixed.

Photo by Jesse Altez

For it is basic. Health is wealth. I should have learned that earlier. :3

2. TRAVEL MORE

Travel with Jay to Alabat Island.

By the way, he is also a good photographer.

Photo by my BFF, Eljay Lactuan.

This is easy if I stay active as ACCESS-VOA member because I may be compelled to go to Alabat Island, Smoky Mountain and Pampanga for study tour. However, I also want to go to other places like Anawangin, Sagada, Baguio and Palawan. To go out of the country finally, maybe Thailand or Japan? Because of Kuya Onin's stories, I also wanna be a budget-traveller because life is a never ending study tour. However, all travels should have a purpose (to meet friends, to rewind, to experience new things - Haaaa. It's easy to find a purpose). :3

From one of my travels in 2009. At Alabat Island.

Photo by Shohei Kato.

I read from a blog that this is the right time, (while I'm still young and has fewer responsibility at work) to travel and see the world - so I will.

3. SAVE MONEY

I got a leap with my salary this year and yet, I haven't saved. Lol. It all went down the drain of hang-outs, clothes, shoes, books. I have so many books already in the To-Read List. I have to finish all that first before I buy another new one! Per meal should only be P50.00 but IMPOSSIBLE. =p At least, save P1,000 per month. And the end goal is to save enough money for a DSLR. Yummy. :3

This is me with Kuya Onin's camera. :3

Photo by Bro. Jun of CSsR, a person I look up to in photography.

4. WRITE MORE. STUDY MORE. PLAY MORE

Writing is therapeutic so I want to write more and keep up my blog. It has always been a resolution every year but I'll try to make it attainable by setting my goal to have at least 15 blog posts per month. :) and get back to guitar-playing.

My notebook, 3 years ago. The subject was Social Work 143.

Community Organizing.

After that, study Japanese 30 minutes per day. And as December comes sooner, try to take JLPT N4. I'm still scared to take the test, and I don't know how it costs, but I hope by this year, I have the courage to do so. Probably, it might become more difficult to study Japanese when I start as post-graduate student of Psych and still work as full-time in DSWD. Let's just weigh things at the middle of the year.

5. JUST LIVE.

I shouldn't worry much about mistakes, frustrations so that I won't fall into depression. I shouldn't also fall into my sickness of being a workaholic because it has seriously damaged my lungs last year. Take one day at a time. Find happiness in each day, and find a way to laugh in each hour. When things go wrong, don't worry, trouble shoot. When things go the right way, enjoy it and seize the moment.

Friendship.

Photo by Yours Truly.

Life is an ice cream, eat it before it melts. I'm excited for 2012!

live your dreams, don't oversleep.

2011-12-29T17:11:00.000-08:00

I had a rough day today at the office. All because of my mistake of accidentally preparing 2 cheques for my clients. I only learned the consequence of what I did when the accountant told me that to cancel the cheques would pertain going through the long line of bureaucracy of signatures again just the way it had undergone at the beginning. I'm sorry for it and because of my frustration with myself, I had many other persons whom I dealth with negatively. Like, our dear Administrative Assistant who just pulled the paper off my hands, and I strictly told him "What are you doing? Can't you see I'm in a hurry?". But anyway, after a few minutes, I didn't want my anger to be retained in my heart for it was painful too. So, I tried to make it subside and luckily, on my way to the bank with my clients, one child tapped me and smilingly greeted me "Ate!". That made my day.

Anyway, that isn't the true purpose of today's post.

With Kuya Onin and Reika. ^^

Photo by Kuya Onin

In the evening, I went out with Kuya Onin and Reika to the Christmas Party of the Bloomfields at 70's Bistro, Anonas, Quezon City. After a long last day of the year at work, I thought I wanted to enjoy this evening as a reward. And what I got, was more than that.

With schoolmates from UP, united by Bloomfields. :3

Photo by Kuya Onin

While the Bloomfields were playing, I could see their souls in the songs and the music that their instruments produce. It was harmony, it was peace amidst noise and it was a moment where I got refreshed with my goals for the next year. As I watched Rocky played the drums and sing, Louie in the base guitars, Lakan in the lead guitars and Dino in the rhythm guitars, I saw four people enjoying life, living the moment, chasing after their dreams after all the years they had gone through. I also saw four people enjoying each other's company and sticking with it, genuine friendship, I guess. An hour of them playing on stage rekindled the happiness and admiration I had for them and their band.

The Bloomfields, on stage performing Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

Photo courtesy of Kuya Onin.

Because of these four people, I wanted to also become a person who is actively chasing after her dream, finding one's passion and enjoying life. This week, I've been pondering with what I should change with myself for the next year (in my crowded rooms for improvement) as well as re-planning my life in order to have a healthy, balanced and happy 2012. Last year, I have been sleeping a lot, especially on the months were I was recovering from my illness. And so, this year until the next years I want to "live my dreams and don't oversleep."

By the middle of the year 2012, I'd be a post-graduate student of Psychology hopefully and by the end of the year 2012, I hope to have my own DSLR to finally hone my interest in photography and (stop getting pictures from Kuya Onin.) Lol. Anyway, I'll try to think more about 2012 New Year's Resolution tomorrow.

But, here's some pictures of me with the Bloomfields. Yey! やった!
All pictures were taken by my dear friend, Kuya Onin.

With Lakan, the lead guitarist.

With Louie, bass guitars and voice.

You should really see him dance while paying the bass on stage. :3

With schoolmate Dino (rhythm guitars and voice).

And... I was the one who took this picture of him, with Kuya Onin's camera. :D

Lastly, with Rocky (drums and voice).

I felt a little sad not seeing his drum solo last night,

but, it was a good night.

Thank you Bloomfields! Cheers to 2012! :)

patience in a fast-phased world and celebrating Christmas differently.

2011-12-28T06:36:00.000-08:00

Just today, I realized that I had grown to be a very impatient person. In that, you can never talk to me for more than 5 minutes without me reaching for the mobile phone sending text message to another person or receiving a phone call or calling another person. It was this afternoon that I and two other co-workers in DSWD were waiting at SM Foundation for the money that children saved through caroling. We waited for more than half an hour, until I said "Why is it taking so long.?" and I added "I am so impatient, I just thought."

A Cup of Comfort / Patience

Where do we need patience for? It keeps us calm amid pressure. It keeps us sane. It makes us value time more. It makes us enjoy the moment as it happens and forget worrying about the future. It makes us contented of what is in the present, to work with it and enjoy it. This might be a different meaning of patience but this is how I see it.

Children are the most impatient of peoples, but they force us to keep our patience.

[This picture was taken by Ms. Jenny Darish during the Pasko ng Batang Pinoy 2011]

This month's character of the month at our Field Office is "generosity", a perfect character learning for the Christmas season. I learned that generosity does not only mean giving material things but TIME as well. From that Monday morning that I heard that, I tried to be give more time when talking with anybody and putting all the lists that I have to do, aside. In the length of a month of practicing, I felt more happy and I felt more human.

With a hectic itinerary, it was difficult not to do things immediately, urgently and quickly. But then, I got lost with all the things to do. Sometimes, we need to take a break and stop. On that moment that we stop, we realize the background of what we are doing and for what purpose it serves.That is why I am grateful of the holidays as it requires people to take a break, to remember family and friends and to enjoy their selves. Life is more than just work, I recently realized. Next year, I will JUST LIVE. Life is an ice cream, eat it before it melts.

Here are some of the photographs capturing memories of the my Christmas 2011, I'd like to keep. Thanks to Kuya Onin, for all the pictures!

Merry Christmas VOA!

Japanese Dinner on Christmas Day with VOA

It was first time for me to spend Christmas in Metro Manila.

I never thought there was so many sights to see in the city!

Especially, this Christmas Lighting "Make It Happen Makati"

After a jokingly quarrel with Kuya Allan :)

Playing around Christmas statues with VOA.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sziH7cIKP8

And yeah, here's my Christmas gift for everybody. ^^

giving is like digging a well

2011-11-13T15:09:00.000-08:00

It was unusual that I woke up early on a Sunday, but I did today, as requested by our concurrent Chief in Operations Division. We were instructed to go to Tzu Chi Foundation, to assist in the rice distribution for the 17th Anniversary of Tzu Chi.

4 years ago, I went to Tzu Chi Foundation to ask assistance for my client who is a 13-year old boy for his eyes. It was explained to me by a friend that Tzu Chi gives free eye check-ups as well as glasses. However, as soon as I went there, I also saw the long line of people who wanted to ask help for their own health conditions and so I decided to withdraw from asking assistance that day and wrote personally to a Redemptorist priest for my client.

Yet, today was different.

I went to their temple near Banawe Avenue and saw the long line of people again. But, as soon as I saw my co-worker, I told him we should get inside immediately by introducing ourselves as staff of DSWD. From that moment that I said I was DSWD staff, it's as if the world changed.

Prytzch and I were introduced to the daughter if the CEO of Tzu Chi Philippines. She toured us inside the Still Thoughts Hall, explained briefly about Buddhism and planted enthusiasm regarding Tzu Chi in our hearts. Yet, I was half-listening to her because I became engrossed with the words written on the walls, the words from the foundation's founder, Master Chen Yeng.

Some of which I still remember are... (though not verbatim)

"Giving is like digging a well. As more land is dug, more water comes out."
"There is no life with a life who just lets the days pass, but there is creation of life from which every moment is spent for a purpose."

I became proud being a DSWD employee today when the CEO of Tzu Chi Philippines welcomed us with a metaphorically very huge embrace. The 20 kilograms of rice to be distributed to each of the 1,200 families was from Taiwan. Through negotiation with Honorable Secretary Dinky Soliman, Tzu Chi was able to send the rice from Taiwan to Philippines tax-free. More so, Tzu Chi was allowed to stock the sacks of rice in NROC (the warehouse of DSWD at NAIA Avenue). Tzu Chi was very proud to say that there was not even 1 sack subtracted from the 25,000 sacks of rice stocked at NROC. They were very grateful and proud to say that DSWD genuinely "serves the people".

"People always thought that when donations are lodged to the government, there is always corruption. But, we have proven it wrong with DSWD." Mr. Alfredo Li (CEO, Tzu Chi Philippines)

But that isn't the only learning I get. The rice to be distributed, a material thing, could be lost from the beneficiaries after a few days of consumption. But, what Tzu Chi wanted to impart more important than rice is the greatest teaching of Master Chen Yeng.

1. To love and serve your parents.
2. To love and serve other people.

To know more about the foundation, here's their website.
http://www.tzuchizam.org/tzuchi/

how to be a Mom to my own Mom.

2011-11-07T15:47:00.000-08:00

I've been hearing everywhere that someday, when we grow old, we'll be the ones who'll act like parents of our own parents. I never thought it will come too soon for me.

Mama recently reconnected with her friends from high school, through Facebook. And today, they agreed to meet-up with each other in Pasay City, a little less than 3 hour-drive from our home. I didn't mind at first that it was taking too long for Mama to come back home until I finished Season 6 of How I Met Your Mother (Shameless Plug) and as I saw her favorite prime time dramas finish one after the other. I began worrying when she wasn't home when the clock stroke 9:00 in the evening.

And I started to call her. But no answer.

Until I read her message that she might be getting home late because it might take long before their dinner shall be served in a "Dampa" restaurant in Pasay City. [Dampa is a haven for sea foods, where you'll be the one to choose which sea creature you shall eat, who shall cook it, and served to you fresh from the live kitchen.]

"Pasay City is too far. Please go home immediately." - I caught myself typing in the text message. Sent.

Until, I realized it's how her messages looked like when I'm still on the road at 9, 10, 11 or 12 in the evening or midnight.

I was too glad when she arrived by 9:30, and was still able to catch a show we watch together every night, "My Binondo Girl", with chocolates and souvenirs from her dear friend. She gave the earrings to me, but i didn't care about it. I was just glad that she was finally home.

Today, I felt the anxiety she feels when I'm not yet home and hours has passed after sun down. I need to get home earlier, from now on, I thought.

Anyway, She was talking that all of them had cars now. I could sense a little envy with her, and comparison to a life that she lives now from her materially successful friends. But, I guess I should save it for another story. ;)

With Mama, Easter 2011.

"A daughter is a person who'll be your future best friend" - Anonymous.