music is what feelings sound like

I want to date

2012-12-01T19:09:00.000-05:00

Sheldon Cooper
Eminem
Elliot Stabler

Seriously. Not like they are "famous people" crushes or anything. I would love to date their characters in real life. Except Eminem...he's real. I feel like we have a connection. Ok, so since the other 2 are actual characters and not real people, I guess they are just infatuations. But hey, I have a hard differentiating reality from well, whatever the opposite of reality is. Fantasy just doesn't seem to cut it. So, basically this makes no sense whatsoever. I'm so glad I'm the only one that "reads" this blog. #oxymoron

Simple Plan. Yeah, ok. Soooo, simple.

2012-11-28T17:49:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like breaking down? (everyday)
Do you ever feel out of place? (all the time)
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you (with every move I don't make)

Do you ever wanna run away? (no because wherever I go, the problem (ME) is still there)
Do you lock yourself in your room? (yeap-won't even open my curtains)
With the radio on, turned up so loud (I'd rather listen to the deafening silence)
That no one hears you screaming (I bite hand so I don't even hear me screaming)

No you don't know what it's like (Sylvia Plath and Elizabeth Wurtzel know)
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like, to be like me

To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark (I don't know anything different)
To be kicked, when you're down (I avoid the world in order to avoid more pain)
To feel like you've been pushed around (I'm my own worst enemy)

To be on the edge of breaking down (everyday)
When no one's there to save you (therapists, psychiatrists, rehab, what's left?)
No you don't know what it's like (I'm glad you don't)
Welcome to my life (it fucking sucks and I don't know why)

Do you wanna be somebody else? (no, I just don't want to exist)
Are you sick of feeling so left out? (how can you feel left out when you never knew what it felt like to fit in?)
Are you desperate to find something more (something more? I can't even deal with this)
Before your life is over? (isn't it already? I'm just going through the motions)

Are you stuck inside a world you hate? (yeah, it's called my fucked up head)
Are you sick of everyone around? (social anxiety at it's max)
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies (gave up on the fake smiles and lies a long time ago)
Well deep inside you're bleeding (on the outside too, when you bite hard enough or burn deep enough)

No you don't know what it's like (Sylvia Plath and Elizabeth Wurtzel know)
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark (it's my constant emotional state)
To be kicked, when you're down (I avoid the world in order to avoid more pain)
To feel like you've been pushed around (I'm my own worst enemy)

To be on the edge of breaking down (everyday)
When no one's there to save you (therapists, psychiatrists, rehab, what's left?)
No you don't know what it's like (I'm glad you don't)
Welcome to my life (it fucking sucks and I don't know why)

No one ever lies straight to your face (oh yes they fucking do)
And no one ever stabbed you in the back (well, not literally, yet)
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay

Everybody always gave you what you wanted (gave em what they wanted)
You never had to work it was always there (fuckers)
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

you gotta be

2012-10-19T19:01:00.000-04:00

If I ever date again, which, come on, let's be real, track record hasn't been that great, these qualities must be met. Hell, maybe if I'd have adhered to them, I would've dated more than a cumulative 22 months out of the past 7 years (84 months). Go ahead, do the math. Fine, slack ass, I'll do it for you: over the past 7 years, I've spent approximately 74% of it single. And you know what, it suits me a lot better that way.

But, IF, I even decide to date again these are the criteria that have to be met and no, it's not up for debate:

1. At least 6' feet
2. No red hair
3. Compatible in horoscope world
4. 30-35
5. No dogs
6. Good grammar
7. No kids
8. Never married
9. Country fried
10. Gets along well w family
11. Will consider kids
12. Has at least a 4 yr degree
13. Cuddle me up
14. No ugly feet
15. Well kept fingernails
16. Extremely sarcastic
17. Clean
18. Is not in a ridiculous amount of debt
19. No Cubs fans
20. No mental illness in family history
21. No drinker/not a huge drinker
22. Respects my bubble
23. emotionally available
24. Let's me call the shots
25. Stable job history
26. Potential to make money
27. Likes sports
28. No Duke fans

I doubt it

2012-09-21T11:52:00.000-04:00

#8

….sometimes….

Not now, but in the coming years,

it may be in the Better Land,

we’ll read the meaning of our tears,

and there, sometime, we’ll understand.

We’ll catch the broken threads again,

and finish what we here began.

Heaven will the mysteries explain,

and then, ah then, we’ll understand.

We’ll know why clouds instead of sun

were over many a cherished plan.

Why sun has ceased, when scarce begun;

tis there, sometime, we’ll understand.

God knows the way, He holds the key.

He guides us with an eager hand,

sometime with tearless eyes we’ll see –

yes, there, up there we’ll understand.

The trust in God through all thy days,

fear not, for he doth hold thy hand.

Though dark the way, still sing and praise.

Sometime, sometime, we’ll understand.

PS: I wrote you those nice poems only because the honest ones would frighten you.

familiar ground

2012-08-23T15:16:00.000-04:00

#7

-Inertia-

The world is full of cripples

and endless nights

and broken fruit

and calls that never come through

and restless dreams

that fear being awake

and stars that lose themselves

and waves that are always leaving

and bitten mouths

and lonely bars

and rosy nipples

rosy as dawn

rosy as the first blush of youth

and tired people

and lonely hearts

opening, orbiting

crashing into open mouths

and hungry eyes

and empty-handed lovers;

the inertia of loneliness

a miserable force

metaphysics

2012-08-19T01:00:00.000-04:00

"a keen observation shows that the whole universe is a single mechanism working by the The Law of Rhythm"

*u n i v e r s e*:

the harmony and interaction of every individual entity

which culminates as reality, ultimate understanding, and

synergy to the highest power

atonement

2012-06-28T04:44:00.000-04:00

#6

Lost

is a puzzle

of stars

that breaths

like water

and chews

like stone.

Alone

is a reminder

of how far

acceptance

is from

understanding.

Fear

is a bird

that believes itself

into extinction.

Desperation

is the honest

recognition

of a false truth.

Hope

is seeing

who you

will become

at your highest.

Grace

is the refinement

of a soul

through time.

dissociative

2012-06-12T00:33:00.000-04:00

#5

Do not stand at my grave and weep –

I am not there and I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow;

I am the diamond glints on snow;

I am the sunlight on ripened grain;

I am the gentle autumn rain;

When you awaken in the mornings blush –

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight;

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry –

I am not there; I did not die.

nuff said

2012-05-09T23:03:00.000-04:00

treasure hunt

2012-04-17T22:48:00.000-04:00

#4

-I do not love you-

I do not love you as if you were the salt-rose topaz

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire;

I love you as certain dark things are loved.

Secretly, between the shadow and the soul

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom and carries

Hidden within itself the light of those flowers.

And thanks to your love, darkly in my body,

Lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or where.

I love you because I know no other than this.

But this, in which there is no I or you,

So close that your hand on my chest, is my hand.

So close that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep.

punching an optimist in the face

2012-04-08T03:37:00.000-04:00

#3

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;

When the road you’re traveling seems all uphill;

When the funds are low an the debts are high;

When all is pressing you down a bit –

Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;

The silver tint are clouds of doubt;

You can never tell how close you are –

It may be near when it seems afar.

So, stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit - -

It’s when things go wrong that you mustn’t quit.

twilight

2012-03-28T10:46:00.000-04:00

#2

Sail with me upon an emerald-green sea,

to a far away land of deepest fantasy.

Walk with me in the soft moonlight,

dance with me, holding each other tight.

As lovers’ comets dash cross the ebony sky,

watch them with me, while with love we fly~

far beyond the infinite glowing universe

to a place where our hearts sweetly converse.

Lost in time, and in each others gaze…

love enthralls our souls and our heads amazed.

With but the touch of our lips locked in a lovers’ kiss,

we realize that love’s call, we could not resist.

So, dance this dance of life and love we now share,

for together we’ll grow old, but our love will stay fair.

And in the twilight of our lives’ ages past…

Our hearts will stay new, for we’ve found love to last.

when sentences just don't cut it

2012-03-08T04:17:00.000-05:00

As words come together, bringing to life deep feelings, passions, and desires, they paint still pictures of the moments of love and other bittersweet ironies of our day to day. Your minds and hearts are my canvas, the written word my brush, and this is my art.

Some people react physically to the magic of poetry, to the moments, that is, of authentic revelation, of the communication, the sharing, at its highest level….A good poem is a contribution to reality. The world is never the same once a good poem has been added to it. It helps to change the shape and significance of the universe and helps to extend everyone’s knowledge of himself and the world around him.

Poetry is the most honest and immediate art form that I have found; it is raw and unfiltered. It is a vital and creative expression and deserves to find greater forums to be more highly valued, understood, and utilized in our culture and in our lives. There is such wonderful poetry in the world that wants to be given a voice. My hope is to help inspire an appreciation and expression of that voice.

My art, my voice, my cluttered soul…

#1

~Dawn~

An angel, robbed in spotless white,

Bent down and kissed the sleeping Night.

Night woke to blush; the spirit was gone.

Men saw the blush and called it Dawn.

2011: A trip outside my comfort zone

2011-12-31T23:59:00.000-05:00

I will be more spiritual on a daily basis.
I will buy less: less name brands, less quantity, less in general.
I will have more love and compassion towards others.
I will try everyday to do something to make someone else smile.
I will accept 100% that I'm choosing love over NYC.
I will be more positive.
I will me more open to the idea of potential marriage and children.
I will think more of the simple life.
I will be right sized.
I'm going to live in love.

forever a pessimist

2011-11-16T05:00:00.000-05:00

We sometimes do things that are permanently foolish just because we are temporarily upset. "A lot of heartache can be avoided if you learn to control your emotions." ~said no one ever.

Everyone makes mistakes. If you can't forgive others, don't expect others to forgive you. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.

No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying. The mindset of your past being indicative of your further is a trap, but the truth is your reality can be whatever you want it to be. The limits to what you can acheive are an illusion.

I smoke because it reminds me I'm still breathing

2011-10-04T03:30:00.000-04:00

I wish I still had one of those hypercolor t-shirts. I wish I had still had one of those No Fear t-shirts.

Giving all of your love to someone is no guarantee they will love you back. Do not expect love in return-just wait for it to grow in their heart, but if not, be content it grew in yours. What love sick optimist wrote that crap?

Dear Universe, I'm tired of learning your lessons.

Never trust a Cubs fan. Ever.

I hate middle ground. It's black or white. Yes or no. I was not born with the gene of moderation.

I genuinely hate people.

Hoped I could learn a little about give and take, came here, felt the joy and the fear, found myself making every possible mistake.

Sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right person. touché. I'd rather be alone.

Regardless of how filthy your past is~your future is still spotless. you must not own a voodoo doll.

Sometimes when you push a person past their limits you make them realize they had no business being so close to the line.

cuz this happens in real life

2011-07-04T07:11:00.000-04:00

Young Noah: It's not about following your heart and it's not about keeping your promises. It's about security.
Young Allie: What's that supposed to mean?
Young Noah: [yelling] Money. He's got a lot of money!
Young Allie: You smug bastard. I hate you for saying that.
Young Noah: You're bored Allie. You're bored and you know it. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing.
Young Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Young Allie: It's not that simple.
Young Noah: What... do... you... want? Whaddaya want?
Young Allie: I have to go now.

Optimists annoy me

2011-05-19T02:00:00.000-04:00

You, mon cherie, are afraid of yourself, you don't want to be hurt, and you have a negative self image and you are terrified that people once they get to know will reject you, so you do it before they do it. Ta da!

Please, just be a little bit more trusting of you, consider the following:

1. Make a list of your qualities
2. Make a list of your shortcomings
3. Make a list of your favorites activities
4. Tell the people you know, the ones with whom you feel good of course, what you like about them, and then ask them what they like about you.

The first two will give you a fresh perspective about yourself, the third one should give you the chance to do what you like, and while you enjoy your favorite activities you can meet people with whom you'll have a greater chance of being compatible, the last is an exercise of love. Trust your instincts about yourself and others. Also, accept that there will be rejection, some people will hurt, and you'll do the same too, is all part of life. Just live, there will be people that will tell you that you should treat people as you want to be treated, is true, but a warning: there are individuals that no matter how you treat them they will not correspond, and will use you as a punching bag just let them go, don't let them in your life.

Last thing, forget about the past, with that I mean this: remember it so you don't make the same mistakes all over again, and also if you ever meet someone that is like the people that hurt you in the manner they talk, act, treat you and others, run like hell....You know why because now you can choose the people in your life. Don't make your past your present, just use it as a reference page. Now, my dear enjoy your walk in the sun, along with the occasional rain. Use the power of positive actions, actions, I said, not thinking, why? Because, you can think all you want, but one must get ahead and do, no matter what.

Because it's just sooooo easy to do

2011-04-04T18:06:00.000-04:00

Trust: Just as you would not want to do business with someone you can't trust, this law simply stated is: When you can completely trust the process of the universe and life, you will be supplied abundantly and you will be able to make your life work just the way you want it. And the trust you give and have must be 100% or it is zero. It cannot be given under one condition and not under another. There are many things we trust with our lives and have no concern about. Such as: the sun will come up every day; the law of gravity works all the time; the pilot who pilots the plane we fly on, is competent; our garbage is picked up on certain days. If we could not trust the things we take for granted will occur without any effort on our part, the fear for our well being would be so great we would not be able to enjoy our lives. Can you imagine what the world would be like, if we could not trust the food we buy, the water we drink or that the people we depend on would not manipulate or harm us? But the only way we can expect others to trust us is, we need to be trustworthy ourselves, and especially to ourselves. Unfortunately, many people don't trust themselves and the judgments and decisions they make. Therefore, they experience disharmony with their lives and their world.

From my mother

2011-03-14T04:00:00.000-04:00

When I first moved out for college (many many moons ago) my mother framed this for me to hang in my room:

"I Hope You Dance"

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..

InSatiAbLe

2011-01-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

I like holding hands and long walks on the beach. I wanna lie in the sand and look up at the stars. I trip over nothing and laugh hysterically about it. I am literally addicted to chapstick. I don’t like chocolate, but can eat an entire bag of potato chips for dinner. I tend to think inanimate objects are real. I can't whistle-like not even a little bit.

White daisies are my favorite: plain and simple. However, any good smelling flowers will do. I tend to think red roses are precocious, but will never turn them down. I’m a total clean freak and a tad OCD. My friends think I’m their own version of the Truman Show. I will go live in a hut in Fiji for at least 2 weeks before I die. I must see the Northern lights in Alaska and go on a whale cruise. I’ve seen many sunrises at the beach on the east coast, but have yet to see the sunset on the west coast. I’m not a girly girl, but I am a Tiffany whore. Deal with it.

I try very hard to live in the moment-each moment as it’s occurring, not the moment just before, or the one just after-the actual moment. It’s hard. I wonder why we exist-like the whole world. Why does anything exist? I love riding in the car with the windows down, yet I’ll still complain when my hair is in knots afterwards. I want to road trip with the Cardinals and follow them to every game for an entire year.

I tend to get my rights and lefts mixed up. I love to travel and am up for a road trip almost any weekend. I’m gracefully clumsy. I won’t chase money, love, or happiness-money’s not that important and love and happiness start from within. I like being alone, but don’t want to be lonely. I’m a sucker for good smelling men’s cologne; I’ll do almost anything for you if you smell good enough. I like to argue, but not fight.

I believe that nothing is absolute, but I can absolutely defend my beliefs. I understand that chance is prevalent in all aspects of life, but never leave anything important to chance. I am skeptical about everything, but realistic in the face of my skepticism. I base everything on probability, but so does nature...probably. I believe that all our actions are determined, but feel completely free to do as I choose. I know that logic makes an argument sound, but also know that passion makes an argument sound logical. I always think very practically, but do not always like to think about the practical. I have a million dreams, but I am more than just a dreamer. I am usually content, but never satisfied.

I am a study in contradiction, but there is not an inconsistency to be found.

Sufi for the soul

2010-12-29T02:00:00.000-05:00

"God long ago drew a circle in the sand around the spot where you are now.

I was never not coming here.

This was never not going to happen."

Damn it.

Tightrope

2010-12-14T15:37:00.000-05:00

I try really hard to stay in the moment. This moment. Not the one the just before or the one just after. This exact moment. The exact moment that is over as soon as you think it because it's the next moment and not the current moment. So, is there ever a current moment? Does the present actually exist? Maybe there's just the past and the future. The past that's already happened and the future that hasn't. That's not very comforting.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that all of our actions are already planned out, whether by God or a higher power or the universe. I usually say "God" because it's a catch all. We'll save that "God" talk for another time. With that said, I think everything that I do (and that you do) is "God's will" because everything is already planned out, so how could it not be "God's will?" I can't tell you why I believe that. I can't tell you that I read something somewhere or someone told me something once that made me believe in all this. It's just a feeling. A gut feeling that this is the way it is. I accept that I could be wrong, I also accept that I could be right.

So, if everything happens for a reason then why would we worry about anything? It's all going to work out or not work out right? Either way, we'll be ok. That's easy to say yet in the moment (that we've established may or may not even exist) it's hard to actually do.

I'm glad we cleared that up.

Magic 8 ball

2010-12-02T15:49:00.003-05:00

How do you know when you get there if you don't know where you're going? I don't know, you just do. How do I know? Because it's happened to me. I didn't know I was looking for something until I stumbled upon it one day and it changed my life.

I don't really like surprises. What if you are really excited about this surprise you have planned for me and I don't like it? Then I would feel like I would have to pretend to like it which would give you a false impression of who I really am and we just can't have that. So, don't surprise me with something unless you are absolutely sure that I'll love it. (safe bets: Tiffany or a trip to Fiji or Manolos)

In job interviews they sometimes ask "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I know what they want you to say. I'm the type of person that thinks, dude, I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow, which may never even come, so let's just focus on the moment that we have. I'm pretty sure that's not what they want to hear.

Some people "see" their lives a certain way. They "see" themselves getting married, having kids, and living in the burbs. Or they "see" themselves being some high powered exec in NYC and making a ton of money. I don't have that. That vision. I don't "see" myself anywhere and I'm ok with being surprised with life.

I used to be jealous of the people that had visions of their lives. But really what's the point of wondering about the future when it's not promised to you? Maybe I've just always got one foot on the ground and by protecting my heart truly I got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind. Or there's always the chance that I'm the king of wishful thinking....

Martha

2010-11-26T17:53:00.001-05:00

One day someone fell in love and it was magical. That person then decided that it was so great that everyone should do it. And it became the norm. And people did it. And if you don't do it, you are an outcast and will be stoned. to death. on a stage. by the townspeople. Oh wait, that was witches.

Or....

Did humans originally consist of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces as written in Plato's Symposium? If so, then you can blame Zeus for not finding your soulmate (if you're even looking for one, I don't judge). Zeus is the one that feared their power and split them in half condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them. Damn you Zeus.

Maybe God created androgynous souls, equally male and female and due to karma were split into two and are thus looking for one another. Not to be "put back together" until all karmic debt is purged. Damn you karma.

Or....

It's just a story. It's just a story to create conversation. It's just a story to keep you constantly searching for something that may not even exist. It's just a story to provide hope. It's just a story to make a dreamer out of you.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....it's just a story?