Real Relevant & Relational

Outside In, Inside Out

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Wed, 06 Nov 2013 15:44:00 +0000

Reading through posts on Facebook this morning I came across this image. It was linked to a post over at Unveiled Wife. The image really struck me because I've never looked at it that way and it's so very true. I don't think it's always the case, but certainly more often than not, arguments do indeed happen when two people passionately defend themselves.

Now what really struck me was a comment under the photo from someone I do not know. It was totally profound and will likely have an impact on my thinking for the rest of my life. A commenter said this: "We see ourselves from the inside out while our husbands see us from the outside in." Oh my!!!! I feel like this was said just for ME. I can't tell you how often I feel that what I say or do gets interpreted totally different than how I see it. Tim and I have had many arguments over the stupidest things simply because of him seeing things from outside and me seeing things from inside. I know where my heart was when I said or did something, but he doesn't share the same perspective. Very often I tell him that I feel he only sees the worst possibility in my words or actions instead of seeing how something could be positive. That has GOT to be because he can't see it from the inside like I do.

I'm not blameless in this either. I know that often times I do the exact thing to him. This is something I'm going to work diligently to change in myself. Not only changing how hurt I am when I feel he misinterprets something but I'm also going to work on not assuming the worst in him.

I Have a Confession

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Sun, 14 Jul 2013 05:12:00 +0000

I have a confession. I’m feeling the need to be very open and frank about some things tonight.

I am a Christian.

I believe the Bible is the Word of God. I believe everything in the Bible is true and correct with no errors and while written and compiled by man it is just as He intended it to be and without defect.

I believe we are ALL sinners. I believe that adultery, lying, yelling at your parents, not asking for forgiveness when you've wronged another, idolatry, sexual perversion, sexual promiscuity, coveting what’s not yours, murder, stealing, homosexuality, speeding, cussing, gossip, pride, etc…… are ALL sins. Things that we don’t commonly think of as sin, yep, it’s a sin.

I believe that Jesus walked this earth and is the Son of God and was hung on a cross to atone for our sins so we won’t spend an eternity in hell so long as we accept Him as our Savior. I believe that we will perish in hell for our sins if we don’t accept Him as our Savior.

I don’t believe it’s my place to point out the individual sins of others. I believe that we are called to love all and to further His kingdom. I make every attempt to show His love and grace towards all, believers and nonbelievers. I will not hide my beliefs and will happily share the Gospel with anyone who seeks the truth.

I believe that there will be a day of reckoning at some point after our death where we will answer for the life we have led and we will face the ultimate judgment.

How to Lose Weight with the BodyMedia LINK Armband

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Sat, 06 Jul 2013 03:49:00 +0000

Many of you know that I've been on a weight loss journey for some time now. I lost about 25 pounds and then when we moved back to Georgia I gained it back. I had started to workout again and started changing my eating habits again then my sister passed away. It's been downhill, or should I say uphill, ever since. I'm now at my highest ever and feel like crud most of the time.

Last month I bought a Body Media LINK Armband. I chose to buy it from Amazon because not only was the band cheaper but I get free shipping since I have Amazon Prime and it is a qualifying product. I've been wanting one of these since I first saw the contestants on The Biggest Loser using them. I bought it because I hope that it will help keep me accountable so I can drop some pounds and get healthy again.

Like anything, you have to use it the right way in order for it to actually help you lose weight. It's not a magic pill and the weight isn't just going to fall off.

Wear It

It won't do you any good if you leave it sitting on your bathroom counter or laying on your nightstand. This thing is awesome. It tracks your sleep. Sleep is important for overall health and for weight loss. It tracks how many calories you burn while you're wearing it. I was starting to feel guilty for going over everyday in my calorie consumption so I stopped wearing it for a little while. I just started wearing it again though.... I'm committed this time.

Monitor your Food Intake

You won't lose any weight if you are consuming more than you burn in a day. This thing is awesome. It interfaces with many popular food/exercise trackers so you can log your meals into whatever program you are already using and it will update it on their site. I highly recommend MyFitnessPal or Spark People. I've used both of these and they are stellar programs. I currently prefer MyFitnessPal. The more you monitor the healthier your choices will likely be. Knowing that a # 1 meal from Chick-fil-A has over 900 calories makes me not want to get that meal anymore. It isn't a perfect system and sometimes I still get that meal but at least I'm fully aware of what I'm doing now.

Get Moving

This thing is awesome. Are you seeing a theme yet? The program has a section where you can set a goal for how many steps you want to take in a day and it monitors it for you. My goal is 10,000 a day. I've only made it to my goal steps 3 times. That's a whole lotta steps, you have no idea just how many until you start trying to get it in. I have started parking further away at the store and I even circled the lot one day after exiting a store before going to my car just so I could get some more steps in. The only bad thing about this is that it doesn't measure very accurate if you are holding onto something with your hands. Like I mowed my lawn and it only registered about 50 steps while I was holding the lawn mower handle. It doesn't just monitor your steps. It measures the MET's you expend while you do anything. So the more vigorous your workout, the more calories it shows you burn. This thing is more accurate than a heart rate monitor.

LINK it!

It's called a LINK for a reason. This thing is so awesome that it has bluetooth and will connect with a program you can install for free on your SmartPhone. I have it on my Galaxy SIII and it's fabulous! It lets me keep track of my stats on the go without having to log into a computer. This also lets you upload your data with the phone app without having to connect your armband to the computer. To me, it keeps me a little more accountable.

Now you may be wondering if I've actually lost any weight while wearing this thing. Yes I have. During the first week I lost almost 5 pounds. Then I stopped eating right again and then I stopped wearing it. But I'm back at it again. I will never stop improving and striving for a more healthy lifestyle and neither should you! I personally think the armband is awesome. I'm a Type A and I love to see the stats and the charts/graphs. It helps hold me accountable so that I stay on track better.

Happy Independence Day

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Thu, 04 Jul 2013 13:45:00 +0000

Today in America we celebrate Independence Day. While this day technically celebrates the adoption of the Deceleration of Independence on July 4, 1776, in my mind it is a celebration of so much more. It's a celebration of all who have fought for our country past and present to guarantee our freedoms.

Tonight my family will attend a Salute to the Nation Ceremony and a fireworks display. I think it will be a somber occasion. I will tear up and mostly likely cry. I always tear up when we sing the national anthem but it will be more than that, the tears will flow for what is lost. This year my sister is no longer with us and it's our first time celebrating the 4th without her. My nephews (her children) are with their daddy so it will just be my little family and my parents. Just another one of the many "firsts" we must endure without her.

In my mind, Independence Day is the first holiday we celebrated since I got home. Sure there were other holiday's between the time we got back in April and July and we did do things for those but this one we got the family together at my house. I made some treats, we went to an outdoor concert, and watched fireworks. It was a special time. It was the first time in years that our little family got to celebrate the 4th with fireworks because at Fort Wainwright AK, there's too much light in the summer to set off fireworks.

We love and miss you Beth!!!!

(Beth eating one of my yummy treats 4th of July 2012)

Top 10 Things I'm Grateful for Today

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Wed, 03 Jul 2013 04:28:00 +0000

10. Movie theater popcorn and Dr. Pepper

9. Being able to sleep in until 7:30.

8. Taking a nap this afternoon.

7. Despicable Me 2

6. Shopping with my daughter for church camp supplies.

5. Breakfast date with my daughter.

4. Being a friend to someone in need.

3. Conviction - it helps me stay on the narrow path.

2. My Mother - It's her birthday and I was blessed to get to spend time with her today.

1. Memories of my sister that pop up at unexpected times.

Happy Birthday Mama! I love you so much!

Saving Grace

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Mon, 01 Jul 2013 14:48:00 +0000

Awesome day yesterday!! Two of my daughters were baptized! My little one actually made the decision to accept Jesus in December but we didn't have a church home. We started trying out some churches and then my sister got sick and passed away and we quit looking. We started attending a church an hour away with my parents to help support them and decided that's where God wants us. So my little one was finally able to publicly proclaim her salvation :) The older one actually JUST accepted Jesus on SATURDAY night!! Praise God! He is so GOOD! They were able to be baptized on the same day.

We actually had two other Salvation's Saturday night as well. It's not my place to tell their story but I can tell you that there mama would be oh so happy if she were still with us. I believe she is in Heaven rejoicing that she will one day see her children again.

It's still a hard pill to swallow, Beth's death, but there is still JOY in the storm!

Anyone Remember Film Rolls?

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Mon, 13 May 2013 15:55:00 +0000

Anyone remember film rolls? Well I found the mother-load today! Seventeen rolls of 35mm, two disposable camera's, AND a 110 cartridge.

When someone you love passes away it's an eye opener. When someone that you love passes away that is also young, it's a huge eye opener. It makes you stare your own mortality in the face. I realized that I need to get my butt in gear and get my clutter taken care of because I don't want my family to have to deal with this crud on top of having to plan a service and mourn their loss. I want everything neat and organized for them.

Now I really haven't done much since Beth passed away to get my butt in gear. I guess it's been overwhelming enough just trying to do normal daily activities. But, I've got a week left before I start summer classes and I am going to take advantage of it.

Tim is off today so he wanted to go out to the garage and sort through his military stuff. I said I'd go with him and work on the other stuff out there. It's a disaster area. One of the things I really want to get organized is our pictures. I'm horrible at keeping pictures safe. I used to use photo albums and then moved to photo boxes and now they are just every where. Some are ruined because something got on them. I don't want my family to have a hard time finding photos to use in a photo show at my memorial when I am gone and I certainly don't want to have a hard time finding photos if I should need them for one of my family members.

I'm sure you can all see where I went wrong. I never should have started with pictures. I really should have started with just junk. Pictures bring back memories and make me sad right now. So, I'm inside taking a break.

When my parents are gone it will be my responsibility to keep the pictures and make sure the memories get passed on to the next generation. I need to get my butt in gear so that I won't fail at the job! First stop is getting all these rolls of film developed. I haven't owned a film camera in about 12 years!!!! I wonder what's on these rolls!!! I know some are going to be degraded but I think some will turn out. I'm finding somewhere to drop them off this afternoon. I'm excited to see what's on them.... it's almost like the anticipation of Christmas morning.

Happy Mother's Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Sun, 12 May 2013 11:09:00 +0000

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mother's out there! Please pray for those that are celebrating mom's that have passed away. Pray for the young children who buried their mom's and pray especially for the bereaved mom's still on this earth, those who had to bury a child. We can never fully understand their pain.

Today we celebrate our first Mother's Day without my sister. I can only imagine the pain and heartache my mom is feeling today. I can only imagine the loss her boys are feeling. My own heart is aching so much. Last year we went to my Mema's (grandmother for you non-southern folks). It was the first time we were together for Mothers' Day since 2008. We spent the days leading up to the day arguing about what we were going to do. Oh how I miss the back and forth trying to decide what to do and when for the holidays.

This year we will go to church and then go to the cemetery to spend a little while. Then the boys will go with their father to do something and my mom and dad will come back to my house for a cookout. It will be different and it will be painful. We will find something to smile about and I'm sure one of the kids will have us laughing about something but the ache in our heart will remain. There will be a sadness that can not be diminished. We will muddle through yet another first and maybe just maybe (I'm really hoping) as the years go on, our pain won't be quite as intense. Really though I think that on any day that bring memories, I think our pain has the potential to be just as bad as it was the day she died.

Happy Mother's Day Mama, Mema, and Tasha!!!

Canned, Not Bottled

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Fri, 10 May 2013 22:04:00 +0000

It's funny the things that come to you in the weirdest moments. I'm sitting here enjoying a can of Dr Pepper. I know it's not healthy, I'll be quitting soon. Anyway, I'm thinking how good it tastes out of a can instead of a bottle and I remember that Beth also like her soda of choice out of a can. For her it was Coke. Bleh!

How to you like your soda?

Just another random memory. I hope these help you to remember things about her and for those that didn't know her, I hope these help you to get to know her, she was special and she was worth knowing!

Four Point Oh! and a Birthday Wish

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Thu, 09 May 2013 19:54:00 +0000

Yay! I made it though my first semester back in college. No small feat considering I did it while mourning the loss of my sister. Final grades have been posted and I have a 4.0.

I am pleased with myself. I want to shout from the rooftops but I won't. My grades are very insignificant in the big scheme of things. I need good grades to help get into the Sonography program that I'm trying to get into. I need to get into that program so I can contribute to our family income when Tim gets out the Army. Honestly, things would have been a lot easier on me if I had of quit school when Beth passed away but I really couldn't do that since our future livelihood is on the line.

I do think she would be really proud of me for sticking with it and giving it my all. Hell, I'm proud of me.

Next semester starts in just over a week. Please pray for me. I'll be driving an hour to and from campus four days a week and I hate taking classes on campus :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my Daddy!!!

Shot Glasses and Tear Drops

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Wed, 08 May 2013 17:20:00 +0000

The title may make you think that you're going to read about some drinking binge I've been on but if you know me well, you know I don't do shots. Nope, this is a precious memory, one that was brought up when I knocked over a shot glass this morning.

Our family finished a grief support group a couple of weeks ago. One of the things that the counselor said was that many people think of grief as a roller-coaster with ups and downs but she thinks of it as a wave at the beach. You’re out there playing in the ocean and this wave comes and knocks you over and you’re twirling around and around under the water wondering if you’ll ever come up. Once you come back to the surface, you might get knocked down again and again.

That’s what this has mostly been like for me. After the first couple of weeks were I spent the majority of time being sad, I've moved into a new phase of being OK most of the time, not so overwhelmed all the time. That wave comes and knocks me down at least once a day but after a while of wondering if I'm going to ever get air again, I reach the surface.

Today I was in the process of cleaning and needed to take some medicine for an ache I had and when I got the bottle out I got sad and had that recurring thought, “why aren't you here Beth?”. THEN I knocked over a shot glass. And the memories came.

I collect shot glasses. A few months ago I had thought about getting rid of them. I wasn't getting any new ones and they are sitting on a bar, collecting dust, not displayed. I’m so glad I didn't get rid of them when I thought of it. For once, procrastination and my inability to get my clutter under control worked in my favor.

Beth started my shot glass collection. I’m not sure why, probably because she was a child and wanted to get me a souvenir and they are pretty cheap. I’m not sure how old she was but it was on one of her many trips with the youth/Bible competition team to another state. They went to Ohio and she brought me back an Ohio shot glass. It’s a pretty cool little glass, blue at the bottom and it fades into purple at the top. I've kept it all these years and she has added to my collection and so have I.

In all I have six shot glasses that she gave me from various trips. One of them is in question cause I can’t remember for sure if it came from her or my mom but I’m pretty sure it’s from Beth.

So it all started with Ohio. Then we have The Great Smokey Mountains. I’m not sure when she visited there (her honeymoon maybe, I can’t remember where she honeymooned but it was in the mountains somewhere). There’s Maine. She vacationed there with Kieran and her in-laws. There’s Key West. She really loved Key West. There’s Mahahual, Mexico. She visited there on a cruise. And there’s a Fantasy cruise ship one. She took many other trips but I didn't get a shot glass for those trips.

Beth loved to travel and she was excellent at planning trips!

What Story are Your Pictures Telling?

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Tue, 07 May 2013 11:24:00 +0000

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what story are your pictures telling?

One of the things I've learned in the last couple of months is that I've placed way to much value on remembering what things look like. We went to Sea World shortly after moving back to Georgia and I took a ton of pictures of the scenery and the shows and just utter nonsense and not enough pictures of the people I was with in those scenes.

It’s painful to look back at pictures where we were together as a family and see that there is an awful lot of photos of things that I could have just as easily remembered with one photo but not many of the people I love. Nor am I in hardly any of the photos that I have. I am sure that when we have been with extended family that I am in more but I have been ashamed of my weight so I shy away from being in pictures. My sister though, she may have been ashamed of her weight but there are plenty of pictures of her with people, even at her heaviest.

I am going to attempt to be more like her and actually be in the picture instead of on the outside looking in. I want my family to have lots to remember me by when I am gone and I want to have many photos to remember my family by when they go.

Last night as I was going to sleep a thought came to me and I think I’m going to make a serious effort to do it. I want to do a memory a day on the blog. Some short memory about my sister each day for at least the next 90 days. Maybe I’ll throw in some memories about other people or things while I’m at it. I want to be intentional about grasping these memories as they come of my sister because time fades our memories. I want to have a record to look back on over the years, and I’d like to have something for the kids to look back at as well. I think I’m going to suggest this to my ex-brother-in-law. Maybe as the boys talk about their Mom he can write down their memories in a memory book for them so they always have it. He could also do this as memories of their life together come to him as a record for the boys.

Butterflies and Flowers

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Mon, 06 May 2013 11:00:00 +0000

Little Did We Know

Little did we know that morning that God would
call your name. In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone. For part of us went
with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories,
your love is still our guide. And though we cannot see you, you are
always on our side. Our family chain is broken and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

Yesterday was the closing ceremony for the grief camp that my little one attended over the weekend. We watched a video with a beautiful sad song playing in the background. I cried through the song. As the video was playing my husband got my attention and pointed to the bead strand that Breanna made at camp. They are memory beads. With the short glance, I saw that she had put a B and D bead (standing for my sister’s first and last name). Of course, this made the tears even more intense.

Her counselor came by and gave her the sticker she had chosen to put on the teardrops memory jar, a scrapbooking sticker of a butterfly. Oh my…. a butterfly. The significance of the butterfly means nothing to my daughter but to me, it brings so many memories and it has become one of the things that brings instant memories of my sister. She hated butterflies as a child! She was terrified of them. She would run in terror, screaming as if they were attacking her, if one even flew near her. I can clearly see her as a small child running through the backyard, screaming because a butterfly was “chasing” her.

One thing we did at our grief support group was to introduce ourselves and tell who we were there to honor. The kids have been doing the same thing at camp. Today however, they told their name and that they were there to celebrate the life of their father, mother, aunt, you name it. This is when they put the stickers on the memory jar. So many children were there honoring/celebrating the loss of a parent. The ages of this camp were from 6-17 and oh my, so many young children lost a parent. My heart aches for each of them.

We talked with Breanna about some of the stuff she did at camp and she told us a little more about the memory beads. She told me that she put a flower bead and a butterfly bead on hers because they are sweet and they remind her of how sweet her Aunt Beth was. My heart just swelled with emotion as she shared that. The butterfly reminds her of her Aunt just as it reminds me of her.

Our computer room used to be Tabitha’s bedroom. All over the walls are wall stickers of butterflies. I told her I’d get her some new ones and she could just leave these up here because I can look up at them whenever I’m in here and feel closer to Beth.

I have to say a special thank you to the wonderful staff, counselors, and volunteers who put this camp together every year. It takes special people to work with children at their best and even more special people to work with children when they are potentially at their worst. If you are in the Savannah area and need grief support please look up the services offered though Hospice of Savannah and Full Circle: A Center for Education and GriefSupport. They have grief support groups and you do not have to have had a loved one in their care, the support options are open. My family attended a grief support group through them and found it very beneficial and of course, Camp Aloha (the grief camp the kids just went to) is with them as well.

Ninety Days

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Sun, 05 May 2013 09:29:00 +0000

It seems like such a short time but also a long time. You can accomplish so much in a 90-day period. What have I done in 90 days? Let’s see… I have completed a 90-day health and fitness challenge. I have read the Bible in 90 days. Those are GREAT accomplishments. I am sure there are many more but my mind fails me as I am only thinking about today. Today, I add a not so great accomplishment, one I wish more than anything would have NEVER happened! Today, I have mourned my sister for 90 days.

On February 5^,2013 at 5:29 AM, my young, beautiful, loving, wonderful sister went to be with the Lord. It is a day I will never forget and I think I will remember the time of her death clearer than I remember the time my children were born. It was tragic and things were not supposed to happen this way. I was supposed to die before her and not for a long time either. Never in a million years did I ever envision THIS as the way my life would play out. It is hard to think that just days before I was celebrating my youngest daughters’ birthday and my anniversary. Two wonderful, blissful days. If only I knew what was about to happen I would have put everything into spending time with my sister!

Beth was sick, what we all thought was minor turned out to be life threatening. One day she was just a little sick and the next her body had started to die and we did not even know it. Just a few short days is all it took for her to go from fine to being on her deathbed. When they admitted her to the NICU, we knew it was serious but we all thought she would pull through. I went home to get a change of clothes; sure I was going to be at the hospital for a few days. When I got back to the hospital, I only got to spend a few minutes with her before we were asked to leave the room. I did not see her again until we were told she had coded a couple of hours later. I had just laid down to take a nap and heard the code called. Earlier they had called one and I thought nothing of it, confidant that it was not Beth. A few minutes later, a nurse came out to let us know that it was not her. This time…. This time I just knew. I got up and waited. A few moments later, they came out to tell us it was her. This was at about 3 AM. She did not pass until 5:29AM.

We were lucky though! It is hard to see the blessings we were given in those last hours but they were there. She was alert until just a couple of hours before she passed, able to talk to us. We were at her bedside when she passed and at my mother’s prompting, we sung her into Heaven. Jesus Loves Me, always a favorite of my children’s will never be sung again without picturing my sister’s lifeless body. This was also her favorite.

Her funeral was beautiful. I think she would have been pleased with it. This was the day her children were supposed to have their birthday party. Instead, they were dressing for her funeral when their party was to begin.

Although she never felt she touched many lives, the number of people that came to her service tells a different story! Let this be a lesson to us all; never question your worth because you never really know how your life affects other people.

Today we will all attend a closing ceremony for a grief camp that her children and my youngest went to this weekend. I am sure it will be very emotional for us since our grief is still so fresh and it is an anniversary of sorts. I am praying this camp helps our children process their grief better.

Beth was only 29 years old and leaves behind two beautiful 6-year-old twin boys.

The landscape of our lives has been forever changed and we now have to figure out how to live without her in it. Obviously, death is never easy to deal with but I can tell you that when a person dies young, it is so much more tragic than when a person dies after living a full life! It is so much more tragic when young children lose a parent and now have to grow up without their love and influence, with only a memory that will fade over time. Please keep us all in your prayers!

She did more than exist, she lived.
She did more than listen, she
understood. Rest peacefully, dear sister.

Scary medicine for what ails you

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Wed, 23 Jan 2013 02:05:00 +0000

My heart is so heavy tonight. I happened upon an image on Facebook that talked about foods that produce mucus and foods that prevent it and it got me thinking about the foods we consume and how some of them are so very dangerous for us but yet we eat it anyway.

Before we moved from Alaska back in April 2012, I was on the path to some really good health! I was eating well, working out like I should, and getting back to a healthy weight. The weight wasn't melting off me like in some TV show but I was okay with that because my goal had become less about losing the weight than being healthy. I figured if I just kept it up then eventually I would be at a healthy weight. Then we moved. UGH! I let the week long drive then the staying with my parents for over a month then the move into the new house then the turmoil with finances and everything else you can think of derail me further. I got back into old habits of eating horrible food and not working out. Oh I keep attempting to get back there but I'm finding it oh so difficult.

Well who am I to lecture anyone, especially my family, on the detriments of unhealthy eating and lack of exercise and scary medicines? I'm nobody. I'm not living my words out so why would anyone listen?

So why is my heart so heavy tonight? I was thinking about someone very close to me that has a horrible condition that I believe homeopathic or naturopathic medicine will be more beneficial for than traditional medicine but I don't think they will listen to me. It scares me how much faith we as a nation put into traditional medicine with their scary drugs that cause horrible side effects. I mean really, doesn't it make more sense to find out if natural medicine can help before you put those scary drugs in your mouth, drugs that will destroy your immune system and make you susceptible to a host of new illnesses?

Why can people not really see how detrimental our diets are? Sugar and processed crap! Why can people not form the associations in their minds that diseases are on the rise so significantly in the last decade because of our gotta have it now, overworked, no time for taking care of ourselves mindset? When did the opinions of doctors become the end all be all in our lives and why oh why do we just have to have a magic pill for every condition out there. When will people stop accepting the fact that for modern medicine the status quo is on treating the symptoms not on finding the cause?

I'm changing, with God's help, once and for all. I want the change in my health to be a testimony to everyone else that you are what you eat!

Humble Thyself

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Sun, 06 Jan 2013 17:11:00 +0000

Yesterday I spent quite a bit of the day looking back, and being a ROYAL B* to my husband as a result. Today I read a blog post from my good friend Barb at The Forever Neighbor and it hit me. I have got to STOP allowing my mind to look back! There is NOTHING back there that is going to help where I am now and I'm not the same person as I was then and no one else is either.

No, this isn't the first time I've ever admonished myself to stop looking back and honestly I think that most of the time I do a pretty good job at not doing so. However, this time of year brings a lot of bad memories with it and I have a horrible time not letting it affect me. The most horrible part is that it's all subconscious at first. I'll start noticing that I'm angry and sad and all over the place emotionally and I'll have to stop and really search my brain for the cause of it and then I'll remember. Then it's just downhill from there until I let it all out. Once I let it out then I'm usually good but I don't want to have to let it out like this anymore! I'm going to need some serious Heavenly assistance here because I know that I can't battle this area alone.

Today I get to humble myself before my husband and ask his forgiveness for my behavior yesterday. As I typed that a thought popped into my mind (yes I'm sure it was from Him) that I should probably ask everyone in the house for forgiveness. I admit that when that thought came to my mind I rolled my eyes Heavenward and thought "really God, I'm already having to ask my husband for forgiveness when I think HE should be asking me to forgive him first, why should I have to ask the rest of the house to forgive me as well?" The answer is really simple, my behavior affected EVERYONE yesterday.

I'm rather lucky that my husband will without hesitation forgive my transgressions. Thank you Lord for giving me a husband as patient as he is.

I may not exactly want to follow these prompting that the Lord puts on my heart but I will, somewhat grudgingly, follow them. I'm hoping that one day I can follow all His promptings with joy and no hesitation :)

Health and Fitness in the New Year

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 20:14:00 +0000

A new year comes with new goals, or at least rethinking of old goals. In reality I try to set smaller goals throughout the year and adjust them as they need to be adjusted. Last year I failed miserably at what was really my only goal. I wanted to lose the extra pounds I've been carrying around for so many years now.

I was doing great! I was working out everyday, eating GREAT, and even working with a trainer. Then we moved cross country courtesy of the Army and everything went downhill. I gained back 20 of the 25 pounds I lost and my health started to deteriorate again. So I'm starting anew. What better time to get back into things than they new year right!?

So far, yes I know I just started on the 2nd so this is only the third day, I've cut out soda and sweets, added a lot of healthy foods back in, and started working on my fitness again. I really thought giving up soda was going to be the most challenging part but I really haven't even craved any soda or anything sweet for that matter.

What's the hardest part? Adding fitness back in. Once I get started it will be fine. I really do like exercising. Getting started is so hard though. Yesterday was day ONE. My husband and I headed to the gym after he got off work and performed a baseline fitness test. We will retest in a month to see how much we have improved in that time frame.

Our workout consisted of three rounds for time.

Round 1:

Row 500 meters

21 Squats

21 Push-ups (Crossfit style)

5 Burpees

Round 2:

Row 500 meters

15 Squats

15 Push-ups

5 Burpees

Round 3:

Row 500 meters

9 Squats

9 Push-ups

5 Burpees

Tim did wonderful (at least I think he did pretty wonderful). He's been on limited duty for a while because of an issue with his neck and only just recently returned to full physical activity. He's been back at PT for a few weeks now so he's not quite as out of shape as I am. I on the other hand, kind of sucked. I will say that I did a little better than I thought I would ;) I figured it would take me 30 minutes but I actually finished in 27:24. Tim finished in 16:10.

I'll be sure to post our results the next time we do the fit test so you can see how far we've come!

I sure am freaking sore though! Lord give me the strength to get out there and move through the soreness today please!

What's your fitness/eating/health related goal for the new year?

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The Wife Must Respect her Husband

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 19:43:00 +0000

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33 (NIV 1984)

It will never cease to amaze me how I'm dealing with an issue and things will just pop out at me that relate specifically to what I am dealing with. He is truly amazing and I do not know why I continue to doubt His power. Doubt isn't exactly the right word cause I do NOT doubt God's power. I guess I just forget about it sometimes.

So Tim did something to upset me yet again. This is a regular occurrence in my house as I'm sure it's a regular occurrence in your house that your spouse upsets you on occasion ;). For the second time in a week, in reference to the same thing, I decided that I wouldn't say anything to him about it. Really it's an issue for him and God not for me and him. I have pointed out his fault previously and he knows how I feel about this particular issue.

The other day I decided to follow what was in my heart and NOT say anything to him about it and to just let it go. Then again yesterday I decided not to say anything and just to let it go. This is a huge step for me because I get in that mindset of me me me. Why should I not say something when I have been injured in some way. It's a learning process and I wish I could tell you that after almost 17 years of marriage that I'd have it perfect by now, but I don't. So, my challenge is to let go and LET GOD! It's not my place to always point out my husbands fault and that's something that I'm trying very very hard to get out of. It's not my place to criticize him.

A devotion TODAY (hence my continued amazement at His perfect timing) spoke on this very topic. Just when I needed it reinforced in my brain and heart because I was arguing with Him this very morning because I really really wanted to say something to my husband, it was there! In the Proverbs 31 Devotion for today they spoke something that brought tears to my eyes and gave me a new understanding of what my criticism of him does to him.

"The Holy Spirit also showed me I was fueling Satan’s flaming darts of condemnation aimed at my husband’s heart; joining efforts with the one who wanted to take out my husband as the leader of our home., Proverbs 31 Ministries"

Ummm... NO! I will NOT be used by Satan to cause hurt and pain to my husband. This was a HUGE eye opener to me. I don't think it's many wives goal to be an instrument of destruction but that's exactly what many of us can be.

Thank you Lord for showing me exactly what I needed to see today!

I don't feel the need to pretend that my life or marriage is perfect to you and I also don't feel the need to share with you the exact issues in my marriage. However, it's important for me to share that there ARE issues as there are issues in every marriage. So, don't think I'm trying to degrade my husband or my marriage because I'm not. I put my thoughts and feelings out there in an effort to be authentic and because I feel led to share something with you. When I read that devotion this morning I immediately knew I needed to write my own post about this topic. I pray that this may help you in your relationship with Him.

Is God Talking to YOU?

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 02:47:00 +0000

I came across something the other day and it made me realize that He is indeed talking to ME.

The man whispered, "God, speak to me," and a meadowlark
sang.

But, the man did not hear. So the man yelled, "God, speak to
me" and the thunder rolled across the sky.

But, the man did not listen. The man looked around and said,
"God let me see you." And a star shined brightly.

But the man did not see. And, the man shouted, "God show
me a miracle." And, a life was born.

But, the man did not notice. So, the man cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon,
God reached down and touched the man. But, the man brushed
the butterfly away ...and walked on.

The man cried, "God, I need your help!" And an e-mail arrived
reaching out with good news and encouragement. But, the man
deleted it and continued crying.

I have found this to be a great reminder that God is always
around us in the little and simple things that we take for granted
.... even in our electronic age ...

So don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the
way that you expect.

Last week I hit a rough patch in life. I won't go in to details but it was hard.... REALLY hard. I began questioning so many things. One question in particular was if I could continue down this road or if I should just give up. I did something a little out of character for me and decided to take a drive so that I'd have some time to just think, listen to music, and pray. I ended up driving out to the base of a hill on our post and parked off the side of the road across from our ski lodge. I thought about driving up the hill (ummm, little mountain) but figured that with my fear of heights and drop offs on mountains and the fact that I was crying, that it was better for me to just sit there.

As I sat there I prayed quietly, I questioned my resolve, I asked Him why I was expected to endure. Wouldn't it be OK if I just gave up the battle and moved on? Then I saw IT.

It's a yucky picture, sorry. My camera on my phone just won't zoom very well and by the time I got the camera up and ready to snap the picture it had moved away quite a bit. It's a fox by the way ;)

You have to know something about me... I'm WILD about the animals up here in Alaska. There's not much opportunity to see animals like this where I'm from. I've only seen one of these in our time here and that was right after we arrived 3 years ago. So this was HUGE for me.

I almost immediately felt better and was able to come home. I wish I could say that I felt better the rest of the night but I did not and it ended up being a rough night but I do think it helped refocus me. When I saw the fox I didn't think, oh look, there's a fox, God must be communicating with me, but upon seeing the story above later in the week I was brought to my knees in gratitude and praise because that's exactly what it was!

When you cry out to Him you better be paying attention because you never know how He is going to respond.

Sometimes I Need Him to Knock me Out

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 14:45:00 +0000

I've found myself in tears many many times over the last couple of months. Sometimes it's a stupid fight with my husband. Sometimes it's a fight with one of the girls. Sometimes it's from some other painful or joyful situation. Sometimes it's because He's knocked me over the head enough that I can finally SEE some profound truth.

Tonight it was from something profound! Ok Lord.... I think I might finally get it. I was talking with my oldest who is going to have a baby any day now and we were talking about my middle daughter and our fears for what lies ahead for her. I truly am afraid that she is going to follow a very dangerous path and I'm just not sure how to reach her.

Yesterday I came across a blog (I can't remember where) that talked about teens and sex and I realized then that I really need to be more available to her in this department and really build an open relationship with her. I was never really worried all that much about my oldest making really poor choices (yes I know, she's an unwed 19 year old but that's ok) and she's always been a lot more open about things than I am anyway. I realize that my girls are not all the same and I feel this huge gap in my relationship with my middle daughter that needs to be filled and FAST. I have a sense of urgency about it and I'm not sure if that's just because of her age and me remembering what I was doing at her age or because He has laid it on my heart that I need to make an impact fast. Either way, I'm listening.

We will begin reading His Revolutionary Love tomorrow. I've had this book for what, two months now, and keep putting it off. NO MORE! I'm going to make it a special time just for me and her and really devote myself to listening to what she has to say as we go through the book.

Also, a couple of other blogs have been put in my path the last few days that have really made me realize that I don't make the time for my girls as I should and that I really have to listen to them more.

Here is where the tears really began to fall. Something amazing has been happening! It's only happened a few times but I know it's all His doing and I didn't really notice it until I read these two blogs. I'm a night owl and I usually stay up late. The kids go to bed and I'm up on my computer or watching TV or reading until the early morning hours. There's been a couple of nights where I have gone to bed earlier. I've been in bed reading a book on my Kindle and one of the kids will come in and start talking to me. Then another kid will come in. Then the dog comes in which normally draws the other kid in! We have had a couple of really wonderful conversations just chilling on my bed and those opportunities wouldn't have been there if I was downstairs on my computer.

Now the first thought that comes to my mind is guilt over my poor choices and wanting to slap myself upside the head over all the lost opportunities. One girl is already grown and is about to have a child of her own and one is already in her teen years. I've got so many lost opportunities that I could fill a truck with them.

I can live in regret over the lost opportunities caused by my stupidity or I can make the best of future opportunities. I think I'll make the best of future opportunities to make a difference in the lives of my wonderful girls.

Sleepless Nights

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 13:53:00 +0000

"O Sleep, O Gentle Sleep, Natures Soft Nurse, How Have I Frightend Thee, That Thou No More Wilt Weigh my Eye-Lids Down And Steep My Senses In Forgetfulness?" — William Shakespeare

I'm beginning to wonder what a good nights sleep feels like. Is it that my body trying to prepare me for what it thinks is to come? Yes, I understand that there will be a new baby in the house very soon but MY body does not need to prepare for this as I will NOT be the one getting up in the middle of the night with her. That will be my daughters job. Thankfully I'm just the grandmother this time around.

Which brings up an interesting topic. This little granddaughter of mine could be born any day now and I don't have a clue what I want to be called and neither does my husband! Oh what a quandary we are in. All the good names are taken in my family. There's my mom who is Meme to my kids. There is my Mema. There is Tim's mom who is Grandma. I have also have a Grandma Vera and a Granny Miles. I'm not opposed to being called Grandma and truth be told, that's what I imagine her calling me however, she already has a Grandma. Josh (her father), his mom is Grandma already. Oh and don't suggest Grandma so and so cause I'm just not down with that! Grandma Brandi or Grandma Simon just doesn't sound right. I'm also not down with some of the more modern titles like GMa. NO! I don't want a name like YaYa either.

I'm embracing this new phase in my life and I have no problems with the fact that I'm a very young grandparent. People are going to look at me weird anyway because I have a five year old and a granddaughter. Oh the joys of having children spaced far apart. lol I'm aging gracefully ;)

It's no wonder that my body is restless. A new addition to the family is coming. We're getting ready for a PCS (moving to a new Army post). We've got a legal matter looming large. My husband has some medical issues we're trying to get worked out. The best thing I can do now is to make the most of my sleepless time and just go with the flow. Eventually my body won't have a choice but to quiet down and sleep. I just hope it's not when my daughter goes into labor!

Tug of War

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Tue, 31 May 2011 09:44:00 +0000

It was pointed out to me today that I need to stop worrying about some things in my life and just give it to Him. I have to admit that is a daily struggle for me, sometimes a by the minute struggle. I am constantly fighting for control and to be honest that was the hardest thing for me to let go of when I put my life in His hands. I remember crying with my friend Lenora about the control issue before I asked him into my life. It was 2002 and it was so very hard for me to do.

Here I sit almost 10 years later and I am still struggling with that control. It is a constant battle.

Today I feel that my life is spiraling out of control. I feel like I have NO control over anything. It is like a tug of war. I try so very hard to keep things in my hands. I make calls to try and move things along and in truth it's not that I'm trying to move things along because the Army is the Army and moves at it's own pace. I'm trying to find out information. That is a lack of trust in God's perfect plan for my life which is really the root of my control problem. It's really a lack of trust. You'd think almost 10 years later that I'd have total faith in Him but no. Some days are better than others!

Things are so bad and I feel so overwhelmed right now that I am wrestling control in the areas that I can. I stepped down as the FRG Leader for my husbands unit and no sooner had I done that then another problem presented itself. One which I REALLY have no control over. This one is a little harder to deal with though. I'm left questioning my whole life. If I had of done a better job at being a Mother, if I had of controlled my own anger better, if I had of raised her in the church, if I had of just not tried to help, if I had of modeled healthier relationships, maybe this situation wouldn't have happened. In my heart I know that all parents make mistakes and in the end it's up to our grown children to make their own choices but it's hard. I want nothing more than for my daughter to enjoy the last couple of months of her pregnancy and not have all this stress on her but I can't take it away.

We just have to all learn how to adjust to the new situation, and in doing so I am again wrestling for control in other areas. I look around my house and no matter how clean it is, it doesn't look it. I have too much stuff. I think back to simpler times when my house was clean and easy to maintain and that time was when things were meager. We didn't have a lot of money (not that we do now) and we didn't have a lot of stuff. I have a tendency to buy things more than once because I forget that I already have something. I have about three packs of envelopes. I'll NEVER use all those envelopes so why do I have them? Because I needed one and forgot I had some already. See what I mean!

I am about to REALLY purge. I have talked about cleaning and purging my belongings in the last couple of months but I really am now just tired of this clutter! I want to look around and see neatness so that is my new goal, my new area of control. I will put my need for control to good use and do become a better manager of my home!

Dang Him! I swear, every time! I was searching for an image to use. I wanted something with hands on a rope at the very least maybe even with a celestial image on the other end. I found something that took me to a site that has a sermon series called Let it Go. Think He wanted me to see that? I think so. Usually these blogs start out as one thing and they end up completly different. I was going to just write about my cluttered house but He had a much bigger subject.

Once again, He spoke to me through my blog and I hope that He uses this to touch you in some was as well!

Are You a Runner?

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Mon, 09 May 2011 11:13:00 +0000

Are you a runner? I'm sure not! That wasn't always the case though. I remember loving to run in elementary school. I specifically remember the exhilaration I felt at winning some little sprint against some boys during a race on field day. I think I must have been in fourth grade then and if I remember correctly I was legs, legs, legs. Long, lanky legs.

At some point over the years my enjoyment in running or even walking for that matter dwindled. I can remember in middle school having to walk around the track at Wilder Middle School in Savannah six times to complete our physical fitness tests and how much I hated it! I couldn't run and I would get a terrible stitch in my side even just from walking. This must have been in what, seventh grade.

So sometime in a three year span I went from having an enjoyment of running to loathing it and that's exactly where I have stayed since then. I loath it..... but I do have good reason to now.

Back in 2002 my husband was out of the Army and I was going to go into the Army. I went as far as to actually go to MEPS to ship out and then backed out before the final swearing in. They released me from the DEP (Delayed Entry Program) contract and I was FREE. Most of the reason I backed out was because I had two small children, one who would start kindergarten while I was at basic and when I got down there that evening I couldn't figure out why in the world I ever thought it was a good idea for ME to be away from MY kids.

I'm off the subject now though.... So in preparation for shipping out to basic I had my husband try to help me get used to running. I soon realized that something was wrong aside from the terrible shin splints I kept getting. My calves were cramping up something fierce after only running for a minute or two. I could not run through the pain and it would take a good 15 minutes for them to stop hurting, no matter what I did to alleviate the problem.

Now it's even worse, my legs do that when I do a brisk walk as well. It's a horrible affliction to live with! My Mother has the same problem. Is it genetic or is it simply because our bodies are not used to using that muscle in that way. I don't know but I can tell you that my Mom has extremely large calves (she might be upset with me for saying that but it's true) and I think they said she might have a connective tissue disorder (could be mistaken on that front though as it's been years since we talked about that).

Today I ran, not far but I ran. I also walked around the block, although not at a brisk pace as it's kind of difficult to do when you're training a dog on a leash, but I walked. It didn't kill me! Now I have hope. Maybe just maybe my husband knows something after all and it's all been in relation to my hydration since I KNOW I'm hydrated now cause I've been drinking tons of water.

Anyway, I'm going to try to do the Couch to 5K program. I really want to run gosh darn it and I'm tired of my body acting stupid! I'm sure I'll be posting up some whines in coming weeks. You just wait till I get my first shin splint, ha ha!

Lighter

noreply@blogger.com (Brandi) — Wed, 04 May 2011 18:07:00 +0000

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade. ~ Tenth Avenue North

This song just really spoke to me today... this VERSE in the song really spoke to me today. It just rang a chord in my heart and I'm not exactly sure why. I don't think it's about me though... or is it?

I've made mistakes and I know that I am more. I know that I've been remade. I rest secure in my love for my God and his love for me.

But...... I tend to forget that when thinking about other people. I think this song for me today was more than talking about me, it is a reminder to me that EVERYONE is more than the choices they make, more than their past mistakes, and more than the problems that they create. This is a song of forgiveness and of rebirth and although I didn't think I was holding on to any un-forgiveness, maybe I was.

And I know feel very overwhelmed and so much LIGHTER than I did a few moments ago. Does that even make sense to you?