American History Y

Now With Pictures!

2012-03-23T17:09:00.007-04:00

I've decided to start adding pictures to the State Pages. It's slow going, as I'm so busy with work and other projects (not to mention video games), but I think I'll eventually go back and add pictures to the old ones, too.

State Pages: Mess of Two Shits

2012-03-22T20:36:00.000-04:00

State Flag Depicting Native in a World of Shit
(Note the sword about to come down on his head.)

State Nickname(s)

The Haahbaah State

State Motto

Ense petit placidum sub libertate quietem (Can't get any peace, except at the library.)

State Capital

Baahtsool

Admission

Feb 6, 1676 (666th)

State Bird

Wild Turkey

State Ship

Mayflower

State Tree

American Err, Umm (Ummus, err aahhh Americum)

State Color(s)

Blueberry, Cranberry, Greenberry

State Mineral/Rocks

Pudding

State Slogan(s)

We Made It Ours, Go Get Your Own!

State Song(s)

Crazy Train

Other Notable Symbols

Fruit: Them Apples (Howu likem)

Insect: Barfly (Drunkis barbituate)

Marine Animal: Rightist Whale (Cetacea limbaughus)

Famous People

Theodore Geisel, born in Springfield, wrote a number of popular children's books, such as That Cat Has My Hat and Tim Horton Hears a What, Now? He wrote under the pseudonym Herr Doktor Süß.

Famous Landmarks

Hahvid Univehshitty is the oldest college known to man. It is believed to have been founded somewhere around 136 BCE.

Interesting Facts

Native Americans and "Pilgrims" feasted on spam, goose, moose, spam, lobster, sushi, spam, turkey, and smap at the First Thanksgiving Dinner. Afterwards, the so-called "pilgrims" set to work "cleansing" those who had helped them survive that first, brutal winter. Sometimes history just sucks. And so do white people.

State Pages : Merryland

2012-03-20T20:00:00.000-04:00

Merryland State Flag

State Nickname(s)

The Old Lime State

State Motto

Fascii maschii, parole femine (Only fascists let women out on parole.)

State Capital

Anna Polis

Admission

Apr 1, 1877 (77th)

State Bird

Baltimore Colts

State Flower

Black-Eyed Peas (Lyricum suckeus)

State Tree

Why Oak? (Quercus que)

State Color(s)

checkered

State Mineral/Rocks

pebblies

State Slogan(s)

More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine!

State Song(s)

Oh, Christmas Tree!

Other Notable Symbols

Cat: Calico (Felis mixedus)

Dog: Chesapeake Bay Retriever (canis smellywetus)

Insect: Baltimore Raven (Stolenteamus sorrycleveland)

Famous People

Babe Ruth was a delicious candy bar. He was born in Baltimore, but became famous in New York. His real first name was George.

Famous Landmarks

At Asshat Island National Seashore herd upon herd of tiny little wild Chicoharpo Ponies roam freely. This island is between Merryland, Virginnie and an undisclosed location known only in legends as Equestria.

Interesting Facts

Francis "Scottie Dog" Keys wrote "The Star-Spangled Banner" as he watched British ships attack Fort McHenry in Baltimore during the War of 1812. He didn't even try to stop them. He just sat there and watched! And he wrote his poem … which some idiot later set to the tune of an old English drinking song and then made it the U.S. National Anthem.

How's that for irony? (OK, not really irony, in the strictest sense … but sort of an odd poetic injustice.)

State Pages: Maine & Anjou

2012-03-20T19:30:00.000-04:00

Flag of Maine & Anjou

State Nickname(s)

The Stephen King State

State Motto

Dirigible (We Like Balloons)

State Capital

Bangers & Mash

Admission

Ides of March 1820 (23rd)

State Bird

Dadachickadee (Dadachum dadachick)

State Flower

Pine Cone (Wedunnowhat afloweris)

State Tree

Eastern White (Wealsoconfuse treesandpeoples)

State Color(s)

Invisible

State Mineral/Rocks

Tamerlane (Turkishwarlords rock)

State Slogan(s)

There's More to Maine (There's also Anjou)

State Song(s)

Mainly We Like Songs

Other Notable Symbols

Cat: Maine Coon (Felis ginormus)

Dessert: Whoopie! I like pie!

Insect: Bookworm (Annelid literatiii)

Famous People

Stephen Freaking King! 'Nuff said.

Famous Landmarks

Arcadia National Park is the oldest arcade east of the Misssissssissipppi River. It is one of the most-visited national parks in the country and visitors spend enough quarters there each year to build a stack tall enough to reach the moon!

Interesting Facts

Maine & Anjou is the first state to see sunrise each day. This is because Maine & Anjou is actually further east than any other state—and the sun rises in the East since the Congressional Solar Decree of 1847. This will continue until December 21, 2012, when the sun will crash into the Earth.

State Pages: Loozianna

2012-03-20T19:00:00.000-04:00

Loozianna

State Nickname(s)

The Oil-Soaked Pelican State

State Motto

Les oignons juteux sommes confinants

State Capital

Red Stick

Admission

Jan 4, 1218 (81st)

State Bird

Oil-Soaked Pelican (Pelicanus petroleumis)

State Flower

Sugar Magnolia (Abideus hightimeus)

State Tree

Bald Sourpuss (Pokeyplantae aquaeus)

State Color(s)

Aqua Blue

Sea Green

Swamp Brown

State Mineral/Rocks

Eggit (crystalus brownandstreakyis)

State Slogan(s)

Come as you are. Leave Soaking Wet (and Broke).

State Song(s)

You Are My Sunshine

(I'll do anything you want, just please, please, PLEASE don't leave MEEEE!!)

Other Notable Symbols

Fish: White Crappy (Also the result of eating a lot of the food.)

Insect: Skeeter

Reptile: Alligator (Stayouttathewater biglizard'lleatus)

Famous People

Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong, from the infamous Storyville district of New Orleans, became a world-famous jazz musician. Also, he was just flat-out awesome.

Jim Garrison was born in Iowa, but spent most of his life and career in New Orleans. He is either the only man who really knew the truth behind the Kennedy assassination, or he was a paranoid nutbag. You decide!

Famous Landmarks

Atchafalaya Basin covers more than 500,000 acres of swampland. This is the largest undeveloped wetlands in all of the U.S. This fact makes real-estate developers apoplectic.

Interesting Facts

Loozianna is just packed wall-to-wall with voodoo witch doctors, gumbo and Jazz musicians. Also vampires, apparently.

Chapter 06: Some Other Stuff Happened and Holy Crap! What's with All the Slaves?

2011-09-22T18:22:00.000-04:00

After the British Indian War of 1812 America took some time off to just sort of feel good about itself for a while. Pretty much everyone thought this was a grand idea, except for some slaves who decided to be all difficult about it, what with the wanting to be free and all.

Suddenly the questions on everyone's mind were: "Where'd all these black people come from?" and "What are we going to do with them?" This is the point at which most history texts go backward in time a little and discuss slavery, so we guess we'll do that.

See, it turns out that there had been slavery in the New World since the first Spaniards landed. The Conquestadoors made many of the natives slaves in their never-ending search for El Dorado, which was a magical golden car. Then they started bringing slaves from African markets, because it was easier to keep someone subservient if they were in a foreign land where they didn't speak the language than if they were being held in their own country and knew the land better than the slave masters themselves. Also, the natives were dying off from of all the disgusting medieval diseases the Europeans brought with them. After all, it's hard to get anyone to work when he's dying of smallpox, no matter how hard you beat him. So, it was just easier to ship some slaves over from Africa.

When the British started settling in North America to grow tobacco, they had the same problems with the Native Americans that the Spaniards had. Since the British Navy had claimed most of the drunks and street urchins for themselves, the new settlers were faced with the choice of either importing some Africans, or getting their own hands dirty and doing a little work themselves.

Being English, they chose the first option.

And thus slavery came to America. And then the Revolution and all that other stuff kept everyone so busy that no one paid much mind to the slaves. Meanwhile, the new Americans kept bringing over new slaves by the shipload, because there was a lot of work to do in the Land of the Free.

By the early part of the 19th century, the slave trade had been abolished in Britain, with the exception of the Royal Navy, which could still impress people. They even went around capturing slave trading ships and fining the owners, which really impressed a lot of American sailors.

In eighteen-oh-something-or-other the Americans outlawed the import and export of slaves, but didn't outlaw slavery. Except in the northern states, where slavery had been abolished in the late 18th century.

Also in the late 17th century, Eli Watt invented a machine called a Cotton Spinning Jenny (which he apparently named after his daughter), that made it a lot easier to process wool. In reaction, the southern states stepped up their production of cotton in order to compete. Of course the southerners, like the English before them, weren't about to come down off their porches or carriages and do any work themselves, and they weren't about to pay anyone a decent wage for a day's work, so this really accelerated the slave trade. In fact, it made cotton so much cheaper to produce, that they put the sheep farmers right out of business. (They became so desperate that they even tried making clothes out of rabbit hair and llama fur.)

The Southern U.S. became insanely rich from all the free labor involved in the cotton trade. In fact, the whole South was so flush with cash that the owners of the big plantations decided to share the wealth - they completely eliminated poverty and built a model society which became the envy of the civilized world.

Oh, wait … that didn't happen. Instead they bought more slaves and land and politicians and lived like kings, while the slaves and the poor did all the work, had very little to eat, and received no education or public services. (It was like a Tea Party paradise down there.)

The North didn't care much for slavery, but they weren't particularly fond of Africans - after all, they had plenty of cheap, exploitable white labor coming in from Europe every day, so they didn't need slaves. Nevertheless, the whole slavery issue wasn't a big deal until it was time to make some new states, and a determination had to be made as to whether the new sates would be "slave" states or "free" states. The North didn't want to be outnumbered by the slave states, because a lot of Northerners wanted an end to slavery - some gradually, some immediately. The South didn't want their freedom (to own people) or rights (to deny rights to others) abridged in any way, so they felt that new states should all be "slave" states, or at the very least that the new states should be divided so as to keep the status quo. (There were eleven of each kind of state - "free" and "slave" by 1820, so it was all balanced out and everything.)

So when some of the miserable people just wast of the Missippi River wanted to form a state, but wanted to keep slaves (because most of the immigrants there had come from the South), there had to be a compromise. The new rule was that any new states from north of a certain line would have to be "free", while those to the south would be "slave" states, there would be an exception for the new state, as long as another new state could be formed in the north. The new Northern state was called Main, because it served one main purpose: to keep the states in balance. The new "southern" state was full of swamps and slaves, and was thus named "Misery" for the condition of the majority of its inhabitants.

This is NOT the last we'll hear about this whole slavery thing ...

State Pages: Kenstuckey's

2011-09-22T18:19:00.000-04:00

Kenstuckey's

State Nickname(s)

The Bluegrass State of Mind

State Motto

Deo gratiam habearnus (God damn, that's a hot pepper!)

State Capital

Louisville (Or is it Lexington?)

Admission

Jun 6, 1941 (2rd)

State Bird

Another Cardinal

State Flower

Sneeze Blossom

State Tree

Two-Lip Tree (Tulipsdontgrowontrees ignoramus)

State Color(s)

Grass Blue

State Mineral/Rocks

Coal (Carbonus fillinmylungus)

State Slogan(s)

We elected a turtle as our senator.

State Song(s)

My Old Kentucky Moon

Other Notable Symbols

Beverage: Moonshine Whiskey

Dinosaur: Mitch McConnell

Fish: Spotted Ass

Famous People

Muhammad Ali became an Olympic boxing champion and four-time heavyweight champion of the world. He was born in Louixvintonville. He was the greatest at stinging like a butterfly and floating like a bee.

Famous Landmarks

Mammoth Cave National Park has one of the longest, deepest cave systems in all the world. The caves contain many beautiful structures made of rhinestones, as well as underground temples dedicated to ancient gods. Great Cthulu lives at the bottom of this cave system.

Interesting Facts

Fort Knocks is a large, strong building where the U.S. government stored all its gold until some German gold fetishist stole it all. No visitors are allowed in the building, because then they would see the soundstage where most of the Apollo Lunar Mission footage was shot.

State Pages: Kanzus

2011-09-22T18:17:00.000-04:00

Kanzus

State Nickname(s)

The B.F.E. State

State Motto

Ad disastra per aspira (A disaster for aspirin)

State Capital

Toepeekah!

Admission

Sep 1, 1681 (πth)

State Bird

Western Meadowtard

State Flower

Sun

State Tree

Cotton Eater (Pulpous delicious)

State Color(s)

Wheat

State Mineral/Rocks

No one cares

State Slogan(s)

There's No Such Thing as Homo Neanderthalensis

State Song(s)

Dust in the Wind

Other Notable Symbols

Amphibian: Barn Tiger Salamander (Wetlizard inthebarnus)

Fossil: They refuse to look at fossils

Insect Africanized Honey Bee

Famous People

Amelia Earhart was the first woman pilot to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean. She was born in Atchison. She REALLY wanted to get out of Kanzus. She even disappeared from the face of the Earth in an effort to be sure no one could find her and bring her back.

Famous Landmarks

Fort Leavenedbread is the oldest continuously operating U.S. Army post west of the Misssipppi River. In the 1830s its soldiers protected pioneers on the westward trails by killing lots of Native Americans.

Interesting Facts

The exact middle of the "continental" United States is located outside Lebanon, Kanzus. (For some reason a lot of people think "continental means the same thing as "contiguous" - it doesn't. But, no one really cares.)

State Pages: I.O.U.

2011-09-22T18:14:00.000-04:00

I.O.U.

State Nickname(s)

The Hockeye State

State Motto

We Maintain the Right to Substitute Any Prize for a Gift of Equal or Lesser Value

State Capital

Das Moist

Admission

Dec 32, 1918 (30th)

State Bird

Hockeye

State Flower

Corn

State Tree

Broke (Quantum macroeentanglia)

State Color(s)

None

State Mineral/Rocks

Geodude (Rockyfistus beatyourassus)

State Slogan(s)

Fields of … corn. Nothing but fucking corn.

State Song(s)

The Song of I.O.U.

Other Notable Symbols

Crustacean: Crabapple

Grass: Corn

Famous People

"Buffalo" Bill Cody killed three billion bison a year for twenty years running. He toured the U.S. and Europe with his world-famous Fake Wild West show.

Famous Landmarks

Amanda Colonies was a German settler more than 100 years ago. She was world-famous for for her corn-based artz und kraftwerks.

Interesting Facts

I.O.U. is the only state whose eastern and western borders are formed by rivers (the Missipee, Misery and Big Sue). Fortunately, most of the people who live there haven't figured out how to get across them.

Chapter 05: Some Stuff Happened and the War of 1812

2011-07-27T21:11:00.001-04:00

After the Revolutionary War ...

George Washington was installed as the first President of the United States of America. He only served two terms (thus establishing the First Precedent) and then John Adams, who had been his Vice President became President for one term (the Second Precedent).

After that, it was Thomas Jefferson's turn for two terms. Then came James Monroe. During this time some more stuff happened - mostly a lot of stuff that no one really remembers or even cares about. Some of it involved arguments about taxes or slavery or buying up ginormous tracts of land from Napoleon, so there wouldn't have to be a repeat of the French Indian War. Instead, there was a British Indian war in 1812.

George IlIlIl was in the middle of a war with France, which had, by this time, been taken over by Napoleon Blownapart - a little Italian man named for an exploded French Pastry. George was also bitter over the loss of his colonies, so he used the Royal Navy to impress a bunch of American sailors so much that they joined up with him. This caused a lot of tension back in Washington. (The Capital City of the U.S., not the president, who was dead by this time.)

Some Americans wanted to go across the mountains to look at some land, but the natives living there didn't want the Americans to see their land. The provisions of one of the Treaties of Paris allowed British Colonists to claim any land they laid their eyes on (see Chapter 02), but the new Americans thought they should get a good look at the Northwest Territory anyway. King George decided to arm the Indians to help them fight off the land-grabby Americans.

Well, the Americans weren't about to put up with any of that kind of behavior from some English King, and they sure as hell weren't about to be impressed by his behavior any more. Besides they had Manyfest Density* on their side, so they declared War on Britain.

The war dragged on for nearly three years, during which time there were all sorts of battles on the high seas and in Canada and the Gulf region. As the British were busy fighting Napoleon at the same time, the odds were stacked against them in this costly war, so naturally they were winning. However, with the defeat of Napoleon in 1814, the role of the British became that of Vast Powerful Empire, and the Americans became the Scrappy Underdogs. With the tide turning against them, the British sued for peace - but only after burning half of Washington (again - the city, not the former president, who we'll remind you once again, would have been dead by this time) to the ground, along with a huge stockpile of First Lady Dolly Madison's snack cakes. Fortunately, the First Lady was able to save a portrait of Washington. (This time we do mean the man.)

In order to avoid confusion, the belligerents decided to call their new treaty Ghent (instead of Paris, as had been the norm). After the negotiations were complete, and the treaties were signed and sent off to the capitals (London and Washington - the city - respectively) to be ratified, some British troops decided to invade New Orleans. General Andrew Jackson was glad to to have one last big battle before it was too late and decimated the British invasion force. So the Americans had the last word on the matter, even if they did have to wait until after the war was technically over to do so.

After all that, James Monroe became president and created a new doctrine for the country to live by. The Monroe doctrine stated that European powers should just stay the hell away from the Americas, so the U.S. could just take some time to feel good about itself for a while.

*This was the determination that God favored populations of greater density, thus the Euro-Americans should displace the more widely-scattered Native Americans. This was later misinterpreted by the Republican Party Leaders of the late 20th and early 21st centuries to mean that Americans should all be dense, and not allow any new knowledge or ideas to penetrate their primitive skulls.

State Pages: Indyanna

2011-07-27T21:03:00.001-04:00

Indyanna

State Nickname(s)

The Dixie of the North

State Motto

You Might Pass Through Here on Your Way to Somewhere Important

State Capital

Indiana City

Admission

Sep 11, 1618 (20th)

State Bird

Cardinal (Another one?!?)

State Flower

Peon (Po whitetrashius)

State Tree

Two-Lip Tree (Tulipsdontgrowontrees ignoramus)

State Color(s)

White

State Mineral/Rocks

Salem's Rock (Lithius comeforyersoulus)

State Slogan(s)

What the Fuck is a Hoosier, Anyway?

State Song(s)

Stuck Between Much Cooler States

Other Notable Symbols

Beverage: Water

Insect/Pest: Indiana Klansman

Famous People

Tecumseh was a Shawnee leader who was born near Chillicothe, Ohio. We just thought we'd mention that.

Famous Landmarks

The University of Some Dame, in U-Bend, is famous for its high academic standards and its "Fighting Irish" football team. (Hahahaha!!! We dare you to read that and not laugh!)

Interesting Facts

The Indy 500 is one of the largest single-day "sporting" events in the world. Also, people from Indiana are just fucking nuts for basketball, for some reason. And, finally, many people from Indiana are just fucking nuts.

State Page: Illinoy

2011-07-27T20:57:00.008-04:00

Illinoy
State Nickname(s)
The Briary State

State Motto
State slovenly, national onion

State Capital
Chicago

Admission
Dec 8, 1313 (11th)

State Bird
Cardinal Richelieu (clericus regnus badasseus)

State Flower
Violent (purpure mortis)

State Tree
Blown Over by the Wind Off The Lake

State Color(s)
Native Violet

State Mineral/Rocks
Fluoride

State Slogan(s)
Land of Lincoln Logs

State Song(s)
John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
Come On! Feel the Illinoise!
The Theme from Rawhide

Other Notable Symbols
State Fossil: Telly Monster

Famous People
Adam Sandler was known for his biography of Abraham Lincoln and his dedication to water purification and poetry. He was born somewhere else. New York, we think.

Famous Landmarks
The Willis Tower in Chicago, which some people still insist on calling the Sears Tower, is one of the tallest buildings in the world. It has 110 stories. This is one of them.

Interesting Facts
Scarlett O'Hara International Airport is one of the busiest in the world. More than 200,000 airplanes take off and land there every couple of minutes, with very few near-misses and almost no collisions each day.

State Page: Idunno

2011-07-27T20:54:00.005-04:00

Idunno

State Nickname(s)

The Potato State

State Motto

Esto perpetual (Eat your potatoes.)

State Capital

Boyzee

Admission

Jul 3, 1980 (334th)

State Bird

Mountainous Bluebard (Noisiest Azureus)

State Flower

Syringe

State Tree

Pine Box (U. Bury'em)

State Color(s)

starch

State Mineral/Rocks

Stargernet (lumpo gules)

State Slogan(s)

Holy Potatoes, Batman!

State Song(s)

Oh, Look - It's ... Idaho. Sigh.

Other Notable Symbols

Fish: Cut Your Throatrout

Fruit: Huckleberry Hound

Vegetable: Endive

Famous People

Ernest Hemingway killed himself in a cabin just outside Twin Peaks, Idaho. On some quiet nights, you can still hear the wailing of Bigfoot, as he mourns this loss to the field of literature.

Famous Landmarks

Twenty years ago hot lava hardened into the strange shapes at Craters of the Moon National Monument and Preserve, sponsored by Clearasil®. Today this barren hell-scape resembles the surface of a teen-ager's face.

Interesting Facts

The world's largest potato explosion was in Blackfoot, Idaho. Oh - and we're still not entirely sure who really killed Laura Palmer.

State Page: Hawai'i

2011-06-18T09:36:00.000-04:00

HAWAI'I

State Nickname(s)

The Alohahahaha State

State Motto

Ua mau ke ea o ka 'aina i ka pono (You can make all kinds of porno.)

State Capital

Honalee

Admission

August 21, 1959 (50th)

State Bird

Neener Neener (Hawaiian Grouse)

State Flower

Yellow & Viscous

State Tree

Kookie Nut (Alotes kookie)

State Color(s)

watercolors

State Mineral/Rocks

lava (meltedrockas fungingburnsus)

State Slogan(s)

The Islands of A Low Haha

State Song(s)

How Are Ye Porno

Other Notable Symbols

Fish: Hummingfish

Food: Nutbar

Mammal: Humpback Whale

Sport: Watching Humpback Whale Humping

Famous People

Queen Lydia Liliuokalani was the last ruler of the Kingdom of Hawai'i. In 1893 a revolution* removed her from the throne. Five years later, Hawai'i became a territory of the United States.

*"revolution" here, means the American business leaders just decided to take over for no good reason other than their own benefit

Famous Landmarks

A Diamond Head National Natural Landmark towers over Waki Waki beach in Honalee. This "natural" cone-shaped structure was actually formed by a dragon named Puff just a few years ago.

Interesting Facts

Kilauea in Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park is one of the world's most active volcanoes. Every minute 130,000 hot screaming larvae wriggle out of it.

State Page: Geeawja

2011-06-18T09:32:00.001-04:00

GEEAWJA

State Nickname(s)

The Peachy Keen State

State Motto

Intelligence, Wisdom, Charisma

State Capital

Atlantis

Admission

Jan 2, 1788 (54th)

State Bird

Blackmetal Thrasher

State Flower

Azazel (getdatgoat outtahereus)

State Tree

Living Oak (Quirkytreeus Screamingatus)

State Color(s)

clear

State Mineral/Rocks

Quartz (ooh spaklyus)

State Slogan(s)

Geeawja's on My Ass

State Song(s)

Geeawja's on My Ass

Other Notable Symbols

Dance: Square

Food: Groats? (WTF is a grit?!?)

Mammal: Leftist Narwhal (communista monoceros)

Famous People

Civil Rights leader Dr. Matin Luther King, Jr. was born in Atlanta. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964. We have nothing particularly funny to say about this truly great and visionary individual.

Famous Landmarks

Stoned Mountain is one of the largest pieces of granite in he world. A sculpture of three Confederate Civil War heroes was carved into the side of the mountain on orders from God His Self. Yee. And, also, Haw.

Interesting Facts

Georgia grows more peanuts and pecans than any other state. Over half the peanut crop is used by George Washington Carver and his Amazing Pean-O-Tron to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for visitors to the state capital.

State Page: Florda

2011-06-18T09:28:00.001-04:00

FLORDA

State Nickname(s)

The Mickey Mouse State

The Crazy Trailer Trash State

State Motto

We Trust Our Invisible Friend Who Lives in the Sky

State Capital

Haile Selassie

Admission

Some Parts are still up for debate

State Bird

Scrooge McDuck (anatidae greedyfuckus)

State Flower

Orange Juice

State Tree

Clothesline

State Color(s)

Orange

State Mineral/Rocks

Moon Rocks

State Slogan(s)

Sunny With A Chance of Hurricanes

State Song(s)

Who'll Stop The Rain

Other Notable Symbols

Beverage: Natty Light

Fish: Big-Mouthed Ass

Mammal: Florida Cougar

Famous People

Osceola, a leader of the Seminole people, fought to protect his tribe's Florda homeland in the 1830s, but the U.S. Government convinced him to come to a meeting to "discuss a treaty" and then imprisoned him, instead.

Famous Landmarks

The Kennedy Space Center is located at Cape Carnivale. The first Moon Mission, Apollo 11, was initially staged here, but mostly filmed at the nearby Disney Studios sound stages.

Interesting Facts

Early Spanish explorers were just a bunch of really swell guys.

Chapter 04: The Revolution, pt. 2

2011-05-04T19:45:00.003-04:00

The American Revolutionary War (Or Rebellion, depending on which side of the Atlantic you are standing on) lasted from 1775 to about 1780something. It was fought all over the world, thus it has been given the nickname World War 0.

Before the British Lobsters (under the command of a really BIG lobster general called John Cage) arrived in Boston to take control of the colonists' munitions, Paul Revere, a Minutiae Man, saw a vision of a lighted tower (or else drew The Tower out of a Tarot deck - the records are unclear), so he jumped on his horse at midnight and warned everyone all over New England that the British were coming. When he lost his voice from yelling he fired a shot that could be heard all over the world.

Upon hearing the shot, Benjamin Franklin fled to France where he hid in the cupboards of various noblewomen. Eventually he came out of hiding and proceeded to talk King Louis XXL into sending the French Navy to help the colonists.

Back at the Consequential Congress, George Washington was elected Supreme Allied Commander, and took charge of all the colonists' armies, leaving Benedict Arnold with egg on his face. This gave Arnold the idea of opening a breakfast bar, but no one in America had time for breakfast, so he changed sides, so he could go to England and try his luck there.

General Washington proceeded to Boston, where they trapped most of the British army. Washington had begged, borrowed or stolen every cannon he could get his hands on and began raining death down on the city. The British were able to escape by sea, because this was while Franklin was still in Paris hiding under a noblewoman's skirts, and the Americans had no boats of their own.

Washington then headed south to meet the main British army and navy in New York. He then proceeded to lose battle after battle to the British. He then hit upon his brilliant plan: the British had been used to winning military victories all over the world despite overwhelming inferiority of numbers. Washington thought that if he started attacking huge masses of British troops with very small numbers of Colonial Militia it would probably confuse them.

Washington's plan worked brilliantly. Not knowing how to attack a force with such overwhelming odds in their favor, the British became disorganized and fled the field. They gathered together at a place called Yorkie Town, which was full of terriers who kept the British up all night with their incessant barking, so they couldn't sleep or even think. They decided to flee by sea again, but by this time Louis had sent his navy to help the colonies, and so he British had to surrender.

Hearing of the surrender, the Prime Minister was forced to resign and the Parliament asked if they could just sign another Treaty of Paris. Louis XXXLV was happy agree, as his noblemen were getting sick of finding Ben Franklin under their wives' skirts and in their bedrooms.

And thus, the United States of America was born!

State Page: De La Ware

2011-05-04T19:40:00.003-04:00

DE LA WARE

State Nickname(s)

The Initial State

State Motto

Libraries and Interference

State Capital

White Cliffs

Admission

December 7, 1941 (-1st)

State Bird

Freakin' Chicken!

State Flower

Beach Plossum

State Tree

Holly Jolly

State Color(s)

Blueff

State Mineral/Rocks

Silmarillion

State Slogan(s)

It's Good Being Smaller, Fist.

State Song(s)

Where's Our Silverware?

Other Notable Symbols

Beverage: Malk

Bug: Lady

Fish: Weak

Famous People

Famous sturgeon, Dr. Henry Hindlick, invented and patented the Hind-Lick Manoeuvre in 1874. In has caused thousands of people to vomit uncontrollably. This is a good thing, for some reason.

Famous Landmarks

In Constitution Park there is a giant bronzed quill pen and a 4-inch stone cube with the U.S. Constitution written on it with magic marker. This represents the fact that De La Ware was the first state to approve the Magna Carta and the final draft of the Domesday Book.

Interesting Facts

De La Ware, with only three counties, has fewer than any other state: Northumbria, Mercia, Kent, East Anglia, Essex, Sussex and Wessex.

State Page: Connetticut

2011-05-04T19:30:00.002-04:00

CONNETTICUT

State Nickname(s)

The Strength, Constitution & Dexterity State

State Motto

Qui transtulit sustinet (Who you callin' a Transvestite?)

State Capital

The Hartford

Admission

Soptomber 33, 1877 (5th)

State Bird

Worm-Eater (ristorantus hamburgerjointus)

State Flower

Stanley Laurel

State Tree

Chattering Oak

State Color(s)

clear

State Mineral/Rocks

Brown

State Slogan(s)

You Belong Somewhere - Stay There

State Song(s)

Yangtze Noodles

You're a Nut, Meg

Other Notable Symbols

None worth Noting

Famous People

Noah Webster invented the dictionary in 1956.

Famous Landmarks

Mystic Seaport has the largest collection of Ghost Ships in the world. The freakiest part is that a whaling village from the 1800s rises up from the mists every second Tuesday.

Interesting Facts

The State of Connetticut passed the first automobile law in 1601. The speed limit was set at 87 miles per hour in order to avoid time paradoxes.

State Page: Coloraddo

2011-05-04T19:19:00.001-04:00

COLORADDO

State Nickname(s)

The Mile High State

State Motto

Nien Nunb Om Nom Nom (Nothing Without Snacks)

State Capital

John Denver

Admission

August 1, 1976 (48th)

State Bird

Lark's Tongues in Aspic (Calamitous Ickypoo)

State Flower

Rocky Mountain Columbine Shooter (infantes armaourum)

State Tree

Bruce Spruce (pinneaus australieas)

State Color(s)

Red Rum

Red Rum

REDRUM!

State Mineral/Rocks

Yule Marble (at our snowy mountains)

State Slogan(s)

Peak's Pike or Bust a Rhyme

State Song(s)

Rocky & Bullwinkle's High!

Other Notable Symbols

Beverage: Busch Light

Fish: Cut-Your-Throat-Out Trout

Insect: Streaking Butterfly (lepidopterus nudeus)

Famous People

Molly Brown was an actress and Philatelist who starred in Titanic in 1912. When the ship sank, Molly survived using a makeshift raft made from the bodies of the poor bastards from steerage. She later starred in a film called The Insufferable Molly Brown.

Famous Landmarks

Peak's Pike is the most famous pike in the world. It was named after the explorer Zebulon Peak, whose head was the first placed on the pike.

Interesting Facts

The whole state of Colorado started off as mining camps. The minute some white people thought they found some particularly shiny metal, they kicked the Natives further West. This is a theme that is repeated throughout American History.

Chapter 03: The Revolution, pt. 1

2011-04-15T17:05:00.003-04:00

After the French Indians were defeated, the King decided to raise taxes on the colonists to help pay for the huge war they had just had. The colonists felt the king & parliament were engaged in what they termed a "protection racket" and didn't think it was fair that they should have to pay taxes for their own protection.

To show their displeasure, the colonists had a giant tea party at Boston harbor and then refused to pay for anything. Of course, they were also a little scared of the British Army, so they disguised themselves as French Indians and yelled slogans such as: "No taxification without repremandation", "Join us or, die trying!" or "Don't tread on my blue suede shoes!" on their way out. This event became known as The Great Boston Dine-And-Dash Party.

A number of other people came together to form a group called The Sons of Ribaldry whose purpose was to make dirty jokes about the king and advocate for national independence. Thomas Breade published several pamphlets titled Stuff and Nonsense in which he declared he wanted the colonists to quit Britain and start their own band.

In response to all this, King George sent a bunch of lobsters to Boston where they slaughtered half the city's population in an event that would later be known as The Boston Manslaughter. John Adams defended the lobsters in court because they claimed they had acted in self-defence as some of the colonists had tried to boil & butter them first.

When King George became Ill, the colonists took the opportunity to have a Consequential Congress. (Thus ignoring George Clinton's call for a Funkadelic Parliament.) They chose Philadelphia because it was a central location and George Washington loved him a good Philly Cheesesteak. At the Congress, Benjamin Franklin and Patrick Henry declared "Give us libraries, or give us death!" Franklin had invented the library and went on to actually found several new ones after the revolution. The Congress decided to declare independence from Britain before George Ill became George Well, and sent more lobsters. They wrote all their reasons down on a big sheet of paper, and sent it to Thomas Jefferson to finish the design & layout work on it. This became known as The Decoration of Independence.

When George the Ill received the decorations, he declared Jefferson's font choices and fundamental sense of composition to be the work of a hack designer, especially since he had used John Hancock's signature to fill so much white space at the bottom. He decided to send a whole army of lobsters to the colonies.

In response, John Paul Jones declared, "I have not yet begun to rock!" He then played a kick-ass bass solo, and thus was war declared between Great Britain and The United States of America.

State Page: Caaleefornia

2011-04-15T16:53:00.001-04:00

CAALEEFORNIA

State Nickname

The "Out There" State

State Motto(s)

Eureka! (WTF?)

The Dude Abides

State Capital

Sacrébleu

Admission

Whenever, man!

State Bird

Soccer Mom (Milfius californicatus)

State Flower

California Poppy (smackus intravenous)

State Tree

California Redwood (Enormus bigasstreeus)

State Color(s)

Tarnished Gold

State Mineral/Rocks

Gold/crack cocaine

State Slogan(s)

Find Yourself Here ... Or There. Or Wherever, man!

State Song(s)

California Über Alles by The Dead Kennedys

Other Notable Symbols

Mammal: Insane Fame Seeker (Papparazzi parasiticus)

Grass: Grass (Cannabis sativa)

Insect: Dog-faced boy

Beverage: Ripple

Famous People

Sally Ride was originally found, along with a caveman, frozen in a block of ice in Encino, CA by Pauly Shore. She later became the first female astronaut. No one has ever actually been born in Encino, however just about anyone who gets moderately famous moves there at some point.

Famous Landmarks

The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco is one of the longest suspension bridges in the world. It is made entirely of 14 karat gold. Every year painters use approximately 10,000 gallons of rust-colored paint on the bridge to cover the gold in order to hide it from fortune-seekers.

Interesting Facts

California has the highest and lowest people in the United States. Whitney Houston and Lindsey Lohan are approximately 14,494 feet above sea level. Most of the members of the Grateful Dead are 282 feel below sea level. (Although some of Jerry Garcia is scattered around the Ganges River in India, the rest of him was dumped into San Francisco Bay.)

State Page: Arkansa(s)

2011-04-08T18:54:00.001-04:00

Arkinsa(s)

State Nickname(s)

Silent "S" State

Au Naturel State

State Motto

Regnat populus (Soda Pop Rules)

State Capital

Amber Bock

Admission

June 15, 1936 (5th)

State Bird

Clintonista (courtesanus governersis)

State Flower

Haggle Blossom (Higgs Boson)

State Tree

Lollipop (tum tum)

State Color(s)

a sort of muddy green

State Mineral/Rocks

Sparklies

State Slogan(s)

Land of Gubernatorial Impunity

State Song(s)

Arkansaw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Other Notable Symbols

Insect: Huckabee

Instrument: Speedometer

Beverage: Milk of Magnesia

Famous People

William J. Clinton was only the second President to be impeached. He was impeached for sexual infidelity. Leading the impeachment movement was a large loud-mouthed newt called Gingrich, who was also carrying on an extramarital affair at the time - all while his wife was in the hospital dying of cancer. Gingrich is still in politics today, however, as Republicans can get away with shit like that.

Famous Landmarks

The whole damn state is full of nothing but swamps, rice fields and chicken farms.

Interesting Facts

Nine African American students tried to get an education in Arkansas in 1957. The white people threw a huge tantrum, and then governor Overly Flatulent sent the National Guard in to face down these Dangerous Children. President Eisenhower (a Republican, no less), sent in the 101st Airborne and federalized the Arkansa(s) National Guard and told the white people to stop acting like a bunch of jerks about the whole "desegregation" thing and to "just get over it already."

Chapter 02: The French Indian War

2011-04-08T18:53:00.001-04:00

In the hundred or so years after the Pilgrims founded America, a whole mess of other colonies were founded down the coast. These were De La War, Pencil Vania, New Joizey, Geawga, Conetticut, Mass o' Two Shits, Marilyn, S. Cayalahna, New Hamster, Virginnie, New York Peppermint, N. Cayalahna, and Road Island Island. Some colonies were owned by businesses, some were religious colonies (like with the Pilgrims), and others were royal colonies, whose sole purpose was to send back all the tobacco and sugar to King George Jameson and his cronies. Most of the colonists who weren't either Puritans or working for the Crown were indentured servants, which means they were brought to the New World to clean and maintain George Washington's teeth.

Inland from the colonies, on the other side of the Appalooshan Mountain range there lived a bunch of French Indians whose job it was to send all of the beaver pelts they could get their hands on back to King Louis the XXIV of France and his half-dolphin son, Prince Louis XXXIVII. They needed the pelts to make all kids of furry costumes for the weird parties they were throwing in Paris at the time.

The problem was that King Jameson wanted some beaver pelts, too, because the winters in England are very cold, and he wanted to make coats out of them. Also, the population of the English colonies was growing fast, and they were running out of room on the east side of the mountains, so a bunch of them wanted to settle on the west side of the mountains.

It all started with an argument between George Washington and a French Indian named Jumanji over who could catch the most beaver in the Ohio country. Tempers flared and an the next thing everyone was shooting at each other. Washington was forced to withdraw. When the news reached King George the Deuce, he was so shocked it blew his hair clean off, so he found himself a new whig named William Pitt and immediately told Washington to build a city at the source of the Ohio River. Washington named the city Pittsburgh, after the king's whig.

After seven years, the colonists won the war and forced the French Indians to sign the Treaty of Paris (all treaties were called the Treaty of Paris back then, for some reason), which gave the American Colonists the right to claim any land they laid eyes on from then on. This would be important later.

Chapter 01: The Pilgrims

2011-04-08T01:32:00.001-04:00

American history, as every school child knows, begins with the Pilgrims. The Pilgrims were a subset of the English Puritans, who were a bunch of goths who wore dark clothing and didn't like all the fancy clothing worn by King George James and the Pope of Westminster. The Pilgrims felt that the other Puritans didn't go far enough, and decided that not only would they wear only black, but they would leave England and go to America.

After a particularly rainy April in 1620 they bought a ship called the Mayflower. They loaded it up with black clothing, belt buckles and beer. (There's no sense being a Puritan if there's not some beer around to tell people they can't drink.) They then set sail on September 11, 1620.

After two months they finally saw the shore of the New World. They decided to stop near Massachusetts, because they were hungry and all out of the beer that no one on board was supposed to be drinking. A fight broke out about whether to stop for some clam chowder or to wait for Boston Market to open. When they discovered there wouldn't be a Boston Market for another 300 years or so, they just decided to get off the boat and scrounge around for something. The place where they stopped was called Plymouth Rock. They liked it so much they decided to stay there and founded the Plimouth Colony.

When they discovered there was no food in America, they all prayed to their God for help. Upon hearing their pleas, some Indians brought some food and they all had a great feast. Once dinner was over, the Pilgrims told the Indians to go away. The Pilgrims said they'd give the Indians a thirty-minute head start before they'd start shooting at them. In actuality, they started shooting in ten. Once the Indians had run away, leaving all the food behind, the Pilgrims thanked their God for all the food and promptly started dying off because they didn't know what the hell hey were doing in America, and the only people (the Indians) who could have helped them were many miles west by then.

And so goes the story of the first Thanksgiving.