Living Lindsay

High School....

2011-10-09T09:50:00.000+03:00

I rarely write about my high school days. But its mostly because I have mixed feelings about (1) writing about it and (2) the people who know me to read and look at me funny (don't look at me funny now!). But something crossed my mind today. And I thought I'd share. Interestingly, it has little to do with trans issues.

In high school, I was in the school christian union's music team. This saw me lead praise & worship during church services and be (on most occasions) the lead soloist/leader in the cu choir. But this post is not about that.

If there's something I noticed was that whenever we visited girls schools, (which I envied heavily!), and during church service, almost every girl was dancing and singing to the praise and worship session. But the boys, where I was, umm... half at least were interested, and mostly a half of that half were actually enthusiastic about being in church. The rest? They couldn't be bothered! They either sat down care free, or stood just so they don't be labelled as bad by other boys. And quite a number cursed the fact that they had to attend service. It was mandatory.

I never quite understood why. Is it a female thing? Or is it a peer pressure thing? I have no clue.

Just thought I'd share.

Have a pleasant Sunday.

Changing My Bank Account Names

2011-09-12T10:21:00.002+03:00

Hey all, did you miss me? Hehehe

So I had quite a good time the other day at the bank with changing my name on my bank account from the old to the new, even the signature, photo, forwarding address and cellphone numbers.

Initially I'd been informed that banks usually require one's PIN (personal identification number) to process a new account and so I had made my way to KRA (Kenya Revenue Authority) offices to see if they'd accept a change of my PIN using my deed poll documents. Sadly, they said no. They informed me that I'd need to change my ID card details first and use the new ID to get a new PIN. I couldn't even use my new passport :(

Anyway, I went to my bank feeling frustrated and talked to an account manager there asking if it were possible to change the details on my account with only my deed poll and my passport. And he said yes! I was surprised and happy and I asked him to tell me what he needed. I explained to him that I was trans and that was the reason for the change of name and what not.

The guy didn't even flinch! He was like "Oh, okay.. so these are the documents you need to bring...." Yea! Just like that. I'd expected a tirade about oh how I'm harming God's wonderful work and bla bla bla but nothing! He never even asked why I did what I did, if anything we were talking about how our jobs are wearing us down! Talk about information & awareness!

Even the legal department staff didn't have questions. I was listening to his conversation with them and he was like "Yea she changed her name from bla bla to bla bla. Yes its one of those cases...."

And within about two weeks all my details were changed. The only thing that remained the same was my account number. The name, the signature, the address, the cellphone number, the photo! All changed! I was so so happy.

I'm now yet to go and get a new debit card. I'm still using "my brother's" card.

More updates to come soon. Thanks for reading :)

Remember, if you have questions, do not hesitate to ask. Feel free to ask me anything.

Alien No More!

2011-08-16T11:03:00.000+03:00

Hi good people!

I know I've been out and quiet for a long time but its because I've been celebrating! I recently got my passport!!!! Hooray!!!

Remember this post:

Okay, maybe I am complaining a wee bit too much, but honestly, can't you see my frustrations? Lemme give you ten things I can't do now because "I don't exist".

1. I wanna travel outside country. I can't do that because I don't have a passport. If I go apply for one right now they'll tell me "you can't apply using your brother's documents, go bring yours"... oh wait, I have none!!
2. I wanna go back to school. I can't because, again, I can't use 'my brother's' documents!
3. I wanna open a bank account. I can't!!
4. I wanna travel locally using an airline. Can't!
5. I wanna invest my hard earned cash somewhere. Can't!!
6. I wanna start a business. Can't!!
7. I wanna go for driving lessons. Can't! You need an ID or Passport to get a DL!
8. I wanna buy a car... Can't!!
9. I wanna get into a certain society and save money for my old age. CAN'T!!
10. I wanna buy a mortgage for a house for my mom. CAN'T!!!!!

I. Am. So. Frustrated!!!!!

The above list is what I'm working on now. I've checked off number 1! The next few months will see me checking off more stuff on that list :)

I. Am. So. EXCITED!!!

But there are some downsides. For instance I hit a snag when I went to try and change my PIN (personal identification number) at the KRA (Kenya Revenue Authority) offices. They informed me that one can only change their PIN using the ID only. And therefore I'd need to change my ID first before I can change my PIN. Drats! Anyhoo, I will deal with that soon.

In the meantime,

*XOXO*

Good News! I'm Not An Alien Anymore!!

2011-07-29T13:24:00.000+03:00

YAAY! Its finally done! I'm no longer an alien to the Kenyan Government!

This happened a while back yes, but I didn't want to say it before I got my passport but... ah I've said it! The above document states that my name change has been approved and I used the said document to apply for a passport.

I went to Nyayo House to apply for a passport and we went straight to the supervisors office just to avoid questions with the service people at the booths. The team there was very friendly. The supervisor took my documents, asked me a few questions, such as ensuring I understood that the passport would only show my new name but would still indicate "M" for sex because the documents only approve a change of name and not a change of sex. After we had that discussion he asked me to wait for a while as he seeks approval from his boss. A few minutes later (actually a while) he comes back and asks me to go with him to see his supervisor. We went in and had a similar conversation with the boss, i.e. about the M. We also had a bit of chit chat about the situation of other Kenyan trans people and how difficult it is for them to get by, e.g. getting jobs, passing, living, acceptance and so forth. They then informed me that my application was fine and I would now go to pay, take a photo and wait for a week and I'd get my passport!

I am so so excited about this news! This means that all the things I spoke about here will be fulfilled in due time!

Thanks for the support people. I really appreciate it.

*XOXO*

On The Other Side

2011-07-11T02:12:00.000+03:00

There's a question that just came to mind. How does it feel to be on the other side?

I personally have no issue with myself; with who I am (duh!).. but what of others? How do they feel when they see me for the first time since for ever?

I can't imagine how it must feel like to meet me after 10 years, where the last you knew of me was that I was a boy. What's the underlying thought that crosses your mind when you look at me now, and compare that image with the last mental image you have of me?

I can imagine the shock, disbelief, confusion and everything. But I can't really tell how it feels.

All I can tell anyone that I've shocked and is as a result not yet able to even look me in the eye, let alone give me a hug to say hi or bye, is that I'm sorry and I hope you can someday come to terms.

What I know is that not everyone will embrace me. Not everyone will accept me. And I'm not just talking about my being trans, its more than that. Its about life and living. Every aspect of it.

Sadly, not everyone gets along. Its one of those things about humanity we may never understand.

Some Statistics

2011-07-06T19:35:00.000+03:00

I was going through my Blogger Dashboard and came across the "Stats" tab. I didn't know it existed. In my curiosity, I saw this.

(you can click on it for a larger view, right click and click view image.. or something)

Quite interesting is that I wanted to reach Kenyan audiences but it seems the largest audience I have is the US and the UK. Fascinating.

Hoping that some more people read on... especially Kenyans.

Maybe I got boring....

This thing called SEX!

2011-05-09T21:35:00.001+03:00

I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. Sex. Yeah yeah, I ain't a perv so don't start! Well, the reason sex has been on my mind, and is not in anyway related to what I want to do, is simple. What comes to mind when someone like me, a trans, gets hit on?

I probably have mentioned this before but I guess it something I'm experiencing more and more and felt the need to share (again). It's not as simple as you think. Let me babble on.

See, nowadays I get hit on a lot. And I do mean a lot. Now, while I don't mind the attention, it can get annoying sometimes. It's one of those things I used to envy my fellow cousins and friends of but now that it's actually happening to me, eish! It can get a tad bit too much.

But there is one specific thing that crosses my mind every time something like this happens, I often ask myself,

"Hmm... I wonder if they can tell. Ok maybe they can't. Well actually they can't. I'm pretty, no? Ok. Lemme stop being vain! But seriously, so what if I was single? How would I go through it? Well, yeah, I've had experiences before where a guy has actually said its fine and they'll deal with it but, really, do they? Does it come that easy? How about a guy who tells you that they're not homophobic but whenever you mention anything about two gay men their facial expression tells you otherwise. Yeah yeah, I mentioned homophobic instead of transphobic. Why, because truth be told, there is some form of similarity there. But that's a thought conversation for another day, okay? So where were we? Yea, that guy who clearly is hiding some fears about gay sex. Now how will he react when he internalises the fact that A) I don't have big (enough) boobs and B) I am pre-op? AKA, still have "the bits"? How will he deal with that?"

Let's take up another angle. It's not just guys who hit on me. Even girls and trans men do. And it still got me thinking about the same damn thing. Sex! How would it be? That is the golden question. Think about it.

Even as I ponder on this hard question, I can't help but wonder why we emphasise so so much on SEX!! I have this one ardent follower here called "Alehandro". From day one this guy has relentlessly beckoned me to be his. And by that I mean he wants to **** me. And every time he asks me that, I throw back a question. Why? Why all the emphasis? Why does this thing have such a hold on us humanity? It's so interesting isn't it? That to tell apart love from lust or infatuation, emotions from plain desire... is so so hard!

But anyway, lemme let you think on that for now. I think it won't be the last time I hear of it.

*XOXO*

Still Happens...

2011-04-25T13:39:00.000+03:00

A year has passed since I had my surgery and started taking Progynova. Its been great. I couldn't be happier.

Thing is, even nowadays whenever I look in the mirror, I still see a speck or two or even several, of my old self. Do you know I don't even look at those old photos of myself? My mum has them close somewhere. I understand her. Its hard losing a son and gaining a daughter all at the same time. That's the easiest way to explain it. Definitely the real explanation is different from that but.... I digress.

I still have those shivers that someone's gonna notice something odd about me. Even now when I have more confidence about my (small) bust, I am still conscious of what I do and how I do it.

But, I just have to deal with it. One way or another I need to stop caring about what people think and just mind my own business. I already know I'm pretty, I don't need anyone to validate that!

XOXO

Gimme A Name Change Already!!!

2011-04-14T17:01:00.000+03:00

I am so so mad!!

This silly government of ours has decided to delay the process for me to get a name change. I have all my papers correct and oh, just because I am changing my name from a "male" one to a typically "female" one, they've raised questions.

I am tempted to blame the recent talk about gay issues in the country and sadly, trans issues are still being lumped together with gay issues and people still view trans persons as "extreme" gays. But I won't. I don't want to step on anyone's toes and be called homophobic. *sigh*

So the reality is that about five months ago, no, six months, I lodged a request to have my name changed. Its supposed to be a simple process that takes no more than two weeks for approval and a month to lapse after being gazetted.

They've refused. They're asking me to seek approval from some director and am asking myself, who is this person am supposed to 'seek approval' from? How do they know me? What is it to them if I am changing my name? I have no criminal record and duuh, ITS NON OF THEIR BUSINESS!!

Okay, maybe I am complaining a wee bit too much, but honestly, can't you see my frustrations? Lemme give you ten things I can't do now because "I don't exist".

1. I wanna travel outside country. I can't do that because I don't have a passport. If I go apply for one right now they'll tell me "you can't apply using your brother's documents, go bring yours"... oh wait, I have none!!
2. I wanna go back to school. I can't because, again, I can't use 'my brother's' documents!
3. I wanna open a bank account. I can't!!
4. I wanna travel locally using an airline. Can't!
5. I wanna invest my hard earned cash somewhere. Can't!!
6. I wanna start a business. Can't!!
7. I wanna go for driving lessons. Can't! You need an ID or Passport to get a DL!
8. I wanna buy a car... Can't!!
9. I wanna get into a certain society and save money for my old age. CAN'T!!
10. I wanna buy a mortgage for a house for my mom. CAN'T!!!!!

I. Am. So. Frustrated!!!!!

Want me to go on?? It is soooo freaking tiring having to lag behind and miss out on great great opportunities I swear!!!

Anyway..... next time you say trans people have it easy, think again! Okay, I take that back. Atleast I don't walk the streets of Nairobi during the day wondering if the person behind me will stab me to death because they suspect I am (fill in the blank).

I hope this stalemate ends soon and I can finally achieve the above ten. HUH!!

Nice day.

XOXO

Almost A Year!!

2011-04-11T16:44:00.001+03:00

Just thought of something...

Guess what next week Wednesday means to me..

If not, go here!

*XOXO*

Curvaceous!

2011-04-10T21:41:00.001+03:00

Just thought I'd mention something small that ran through my head as I was sitting in my house watching TV.

I am having a hot cuppatea (not cuppatea the blogger! ha!), and am seated on the couch. Am dressed in one of my fave party dresses that I don't wear much nowadays since I rarely go out anymore (blame work!) and whenever I look down and see my figure I sigh.

While I used to be sort of curvy before I started transitioning, I am a lot more curvier now. Definitely attributed to the hormones & a good dose of "fries" (haha!). I remember back then before, I used to wear a tee shirt and hold it back along my body to see my hips & figure and I would not like what I saw. I wasn't as curvy as I'd wish to be. My cousins had already blossomed into these beautiful curvy young women where before they were thin and slender like I was. I was so jealous of them. I would cherish the days I was able to wear my tight jeans, tee-shirt and huggy jumper. It used to make me feel better about myself.

Now seated on the couch and looking at how curvy I've got, I can't help but feel ecstatic. Its a wonderful feeling. I just run my hands over my hips and I feel *yes*!! I'm getting somewhere!

The same applies to my bust. I nowadays can "share it with the world" so to speak hehe. Its coming along well and am proud of myself.

Some people may think that this is what trans people are all about but let me explain something.

When I write here about how a few extra inches I've gained around my hips or how better looking I am (in my view) or how I am more busty, its not the physical that should be the focus, rather, its what it means. To me, this means that something I've always felt was robbed (in a way) from me. Its like puberty all over again. This time round, its happening the way I always wanted it to be.

I am very thankful I am myself now. Very very thankful.

And oh yes, I love my curves!! :D

*XOXO*

Yeah.. I'm Thankful

2011-04-04T16:55:00.001+03:00

Oh well.. I am still fine.

If there is something I've noticed is that I am easy nowadays. No pressures.

Well, work is pressure enough! And I still do have my fears. Everytime I am in a public space it happens. When am around many people and I notice them looking at me I ask myself, "are they looking at me because they think I look weird or they think I look good?" its always the same. But then I console myself that well, maybe they're just looking at me in passing, their minds filled with worry.

And then there is the fact that my family has been okay with everything. Well, I've been so busy that I rarely get to see them nowadays. Including my lovely mother!! I feel so bad. But that's gonna change. I shall strive to keep touch with family. Sometimes, family is all you got! They can never desert you, they'll always be a part of your life.

I am thankful for how life has been since September 2009. Even if few people have asked if I have ever regreted the decision I made, I must say that for the most part, it was long overdue!

Transcending Gender

2011-03-21T13:24:00.001+03:00

Fascinating story I have been reading... Hope you enjoy! Oh, and sorry for the loooong silence, things are great!

Transcending gender
In a world where he's long felt invisible, Aydin Kennedy reflects on the man he's become, and the female identity he left behind

By Stacey Kennelly
staceyk@newsreview.com
More stories by this author...

This article was published on 03.17.11.

Aydin Kennedy and his wife, Christia, pose with Olivia, Aydin's chihuahua, in their living room on a recent morning.
PHOTO BY STACEY KENNELLY

Aydin Kennedy is a 34-year-old social worker and student who lives in Chico, where he likes to ride his bike, play with his dogs Rylee and Olivia, root for Stanford women's basketball, lift weights and mow the lawn. His wife, Christia Currie-Kennedy, likes that he's courageous, funny and cute. The two hope to start a family soon.
You wouldn't know it from looking at him, but three years ago Aydin was a woman. Had you met him then, you would have seen a tall, slender, attractive and athletic-looking woman who wore men's clothing and had cropped curly hair, olive skin, and striking blue eyes.
He's still good-looking, but his curls are gone and his soft facial structure has become more masculine. He sports sparse facial hair and his body has bulked up, the result of weekly testosterone injections, exercise and a healthful lifestyle.
You'd also never know, especially if you saw him with his wife—a pretty, fresh-faced woman with a pearly smile like her husband's—that he still has female reproductive organs.
The three years since Aydin began changing from a woman into a man have been an emotional rollercoaster. First he started taking weekly testosterone injections. Then he had his breasts surgically removed. And then he married the perfect woman for him.
Society treats him as a heterosexual man, but because he spent most of his life living as a lesbian woman and because he still has his female reproductive organs, he occupies a unique place in the sexual universe that gives him a remarkable perspective on sexuality and society's focus on gender roles.
He describes it this way: "I didn't go from this box to another box. I'm outside the boxes."
The experience has also been unique for Christia, who met Aydin while he was still a woman. She relentlessly supported him throughout his transition, including when he told his family about his transition from female to male and when he had his breasts removed.
"I gave up my visibility around my sexuality, and so did Christia," Aydin said, referring to the lesbian identities they both erased when Aydin transitioned into a man. "I'm not straight and I'm not gay, so where am I? Where do I fit?"
Ironically, that is the same question he has been asking his entire life. In an effort to quell feelings of isolation and invisibility, he speaks publicly in Chico and beyond on a regular basis, telling his story in an effort to dispel the myths and stigmas surrounding a population that has long been misunderstood and ignored.
"I'm not done," he said. "I'm three years into my medical transition and four years into the emotional transition, but I'm still collecting tools for my toolbox."
Aydin in 2006, before any testosterone injections or surgery.
PHOTO COURTESY OF AYDIN KENNEDY

Aydin Kennedy's story isn't a clichéd "born-in-the-wrong-body" scenario, although he acknowledges that for many transsexual people, that's the case. His body has served him well through his life, he said, despite the self-destructive behaviors he put it through as a young adult while trying to cope with his gender identity.
"It's the same body," he said, referring to before and after his female-to-male transition. "Hormones and surgery have just helped bridge that gap between my sense of self on the outside and my sense of self on the inside."
He knows the legal, medical and social challenges sexual transitioning poses, especially to people who are extremely fragile emotionally and mentally by the time they decide to take the leap.
"It's not like there's a manual that says here's how to do this really fucking hard thing," he said frankly. "We are trying to navigate this world that is overwhelmingly not seeing us and overwhelmingly is not safe."
To understand Aydin's world, one must first understand the importance of language and terminology. The terms "transgender" and "transsexual" take on different meanings, depending on the individual. Aydin uses both terms to identify himself.
"Transgender" is an umbrella term that encompasses any behavior that deviates from normative gender roles, including those who transition from female-to-male or male-to-female medically or socially, transvestites, drag queens and kings, and cross-dressers. The term also applies to anyone who simply does not behave, appear or experience gender in the ways society expects.
The number of transsexuals (individuals who have undergone surgery, by some definitions) is determined by those who seek medical treatment, but neglects to account for individuals who consider themselves transsexuals but do not seek treatment.
Some argue that the reason why statistics are scarce is because of a long legacy of medicalizing the transgender condition, a "what's wrong with you?" stigma that causes many transgender and transsexual individuals to shy away from research studies, Aydin explained.
"When you're trying to explain somebody, it's different than observing them," he said. He noted most medical research is based on assumptions that neglect to account for factors that complicate the experience of being trans, such as unequal access and opportunities.
He experienced that unequal access to medical care when he was required to travel to the San Francisco Bay Area for psychological and medical treatment that specialized in gender identity, services that are not available in Chico. Even when he did find doctors, getting permission to take testosterone and have chest reconstructive surgery was demeaning because it required his therapist to confirm he was mentally competent enough to be diagnosed with gender identity disorder, a condition listed in the American Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
"Now I have to carry that diagnosis around with me my entire life," he said. "For her to write that on a paper and verify that was a very frustrating experience for me."
He often felt he was educating the very doctors he needed help from.
"It's like you're this kid with a bowl going around begging people to put soup in it," he said, noting that many doctors' offices are not designed to make trans individuals feel safe and comfortable, from offering noninclusive forms (male, female or "other") to employing staff that have more questions than answers about the trans condition.

Aydin was most comfortable playing sports as a child. From top to bottom, Aydin in elementary school, sixth grade and senior year of high school.
PHOTOS COURTESY OF AYDIN KENNEDY

Aydin's relationship with Christia budded at Chico State,where they were in the same cohort of the social-work program. She entered his life before the months when he began testosterone injections, an emotionally trying five-month period in which the introduction of testosterone and the suppression of estrogen caused Aydin to experience menopause and puberty simultaneously.
"I was crabby, upset, irritable, and horny, all at the same time, with no framework for how to deal with it," he said.
Christia, who identifies as "queer" because she is attracted to individuals all along the gender scale, supported him through the process, including when he had his chest reconstructive surgery.
"She just arrived with this amazing set of tools," Aydin said. "She went through this process with me and was this advocate."
When they met, in 2007, Aydin was still presenting as a female and went by his birth name. He was in a relationship with a woman, as was Christia, but Christia was immediately drawn to her new friend.
Christia smiled on a recent sunny Monday morning while sitting in the couple's living room as she recalled her two classes with Aydin, when she'd sit near him because he looked "queer" like her.
"I would talk really loudly with my friend about gay stuff," she said with a laugh. "But knowing him now, that was not the way to get him to be my friend."
Aydin recalled the period shortly after he legally changed his name, when he had to "come out" in ways he hadn't anticipated. Christia was in the one class in which the instructor used his new name freely. She approached him after class one day and asked why the instructor was calling him by a new name.
"She came right up to me and asked why. And I told her I was transitioning, and she said, 'Oh! OK,'" Aydin said, smiling while impersonating Christia's perky personality. "And then, a second later, she said, 'Um, excuse me, what does that mean?' "
The two were "just friends" for a while, but their friendship took a turn when Aydin watched footage of an event in which he, Christia and two friends were setting up tombstones at Chico State during Transgender Day of Remembrance, a worldwide annual event that honors those who have been killed due to prejudice. (About 180 trans individuals were murdered in 2010, according to Europe's Trans Murder Monitoring Project.)
"I realized I was watching this person who was completely in love with this other person," he said, referring to himself looking at Christia in the video.
Aydin panicked and deleted the video, but confessed to Christia while driving her home from the airport after Thanksgiving.
"It just felt good, it felt right," she recalled while sitting with Olivia, a Chihuahua, resting on her lap. "But it also took me a while. I didn't want to lose my closest friend."
The two married in the summer of 2010 at Eagle's Point overlooking San Francisco Bay, at a ceremony that included 30 of their closest friends and family members.
Because Aydin's surgery allowed him to legally change his gender, the couple are legally married. They hope to become "Mom" and "Dad" someday soon, and Christia wants to carry a baby. Although he still has his female reproductive parts, Aydin is not interested in carrying a child.
"That just doesn't line up with how I see myself," he said.

Aydin and Christia were married in June 2010 at a ceremony overlooking the San Francisco Bay. They were surrounded by 30 of their closest family members and friends.
PHOTO COURTESY OF AYDIN KENNEDY

Aydin was raised in a small town in southern Oregon, where he lived a good life, he said, that included playing catch with his dad—a quiet and caring man—and his brother in the evenings. He was also very attached to his mother, a strong and outspoken woman who coveted his long, curly brown hair but accepted his decision to wear boy's clothing.
His female birth name is the one detail he will not divulge to the public (or this reporter), he said, because it does not embody who he is today.
"I was active, but I never fit in. I struggled in school, did things like made myself sick so I wouldn't have to go, and I struggled socially," he said. "I was just preoccupied with life, and I was sensitively emotional."
His sensitive nature, coupled with his inability to describe how he was feeling about his body, caused him to feel ostracized from an early age. He distinctly remembers his first day of first grade, when students in his class were divided into "male" and "female" queues to use the restroom.
"I knew I didn't belong on the one side, but apparently my [female] name indicated that I did. And I knew if I went to the other side [the boys' side], the consequences would be severe," he said. "I didn't understand why I was being categorized. I thought, 'Why is this happening? Why is this name making me stand on that side of the room?'"
(From that point until he was 30 years old, he avoided public restrooms, partly because he did not identify with either sign on the door, and partly because a restroom is one place where he's been threatened.)
The lack of language he had to describe how he felt resonated throughout his teenage years, when he hadn't heard of gender identity and saw few to no models of transgender people depicted in the media or in his own world.
"The only language I had was around sexuality, not gender," he said. Transvestites featured on the exploitative Jerry Springer talk show were the only representation he saw of "trans," but the shows were always under a "fooled you" pretense, he said.
"I had a sense that those were my people. I identified with them, but I didn't know why," he said, recalling staying up until 2 a.m., when the show aired on cable. "But they were unhappy, unsuccessful. They were beating each other up, and I didn't identify with that."
He clearly remembers a moment when he stood in front of a mirror at age 16, a time when he was suffering from a bout of crippling depression. He tucked his long, brown curly hair under a baseball cap and took an intentional look at himself.
"I started to have a conversation with this person who I knew was on the inside. It was almost like [the two of me] shook hands with each other," he said, recalling the intense moment. "This place, I stepped into it a little bit and I got super freaked out. And I stepped back real quick."
He attempted suicide for the first time shortly afterward, but his cry for help went largely unnoticed by family and friends.
At that time, conservative Christians in his home state were pushing for anti-gay legislation. Most of it was defeated, but Aydin absorbed the anti-gay messages circulating in his conservative community.
By the time college rolled around, he was eager to move away and reinvent himself, but when he arrived in West Texas in 1994 on a basketball scholarship, he experienced overt discrimination for the first time. His coach entered the locker room and addressed the team: "If there's any dykes on this team you better get the fuck out of this locker room right now," Aydin recalled him saying.
"Now I know what they mean by going from the frying pan to the fire," he said.
Soon after, he started dating a woman from a rival team who was African-American, to boot.
"I was transcending gender, sexuality and racial expectations," he said.
His coach told him to remain closeted, but he refused. He noticed his phone calls and mail being monitored, and he was prohibited from leaving campus. His scholarship was eventually revoked, the result of his coach's ploy to fail him in his public-speaking class (today, as a public speaker, Aydin appreciates the irony).
He left Texas and found himself in Chico in January 1995.

The first 12 months of testosterone: Aydin documented every step of his transition with YouTube video blogs, raw videos that feature him talking earnestly into the camera about emotional and physical changes during the first 12 months of his bodily transition. These screenshots were captured from those videos. Today, 138 videos remain on the site and Aydin continues to document his experiences. To view them all, visit his YouTube channel at www.youtube.com/33aydin.
PHOTOS COURTESY OF AYDIN KENNEDY

When Aydin decided to transition four years ago, he started by attending his first therapy session in the Bay Area. He continued to attend those $200 hour-and-a-half sessions, during which he was forced to regurgitate every life memory he could conjure up, every weekend for three months.
During a routine drive, he occupied his time by changing his name on his voicemail greeting, and then playing it back to hear what it sounded like. He was somewhere near Emeryville when it clicked.
"'Aydin' was like these two separate beings melded into one," he said. "And it felt like home to me."
When he changed his name, he was not yet ready to tell his family about his impending transition. He avoided calling them for several months so his new name would not pop up on their caller-ID.
But just days before his first testosterone injection, he had to travel home for a cousin's wedding.
"I went up there knowing I might be saying goodbye to people I might never see again," he said. "I was stepping back into the past up there."
He sat his parents down after the festivities and read them a letter outlining his experiences. He inserted the line, "I am here to tell you that I am your son."
His parents sobbed.
"The first thing my dad asked was, 'Does this mean we can't call you Sis anymore?'" Aydin said, referring to his dad's affinity for his childhood nickname. His father went to retrieve a tissue, and while he was gone Aydin's mother said she had "thought this might happen one day," an acknowledgement she refused to discuss further when his father re-entered the room.
"I instantaneously threw them into a cycle of grief with no support," he said. His parents began attending therapy soon afterward, and the family unit lost touch for a few months, until his mother invited him on a trip to Disneyland with his grandmother. The three spent the weekend together, and Aydin and his mother began to reconnect.
"They saw that the essence of who I was was still there," he said. His family, with the exception of his older brother, continues to support him, and he acknowledges the impact his transition continues to have on them.
"My family has struggled as much as I have struggled. My family has journeyed as far as I have journeyed. And my family has hurt as much as I have hurt," he said.
Christia's family has welcomed Aydin with open arms—including marching with him during the San Francisco Trans March last June—and was aware he had transitioned, but never knew him as a female.
"We just came from this place of knowing that we're loved," he said, referring to his and Christia's wedding day, when their families came together to support them.

Aydin documented every step of his transition on YouTube, a journey that started as a "watch me change" project and ended up becoming much more. In one of his early videos, in March 2008, he quips about his upcoming "super transgender weekend," a four-day period in April 2008 when he finalized his name-change in court, had his last appointment with his therapist, and had his surgical consultation.
"I have been aware of my male identity for a long time, although I never really put words to it," he says in the video. He goes on to say he was active in the gay community for a while, "but all of the sudden it just wasn't working anymore. So I'm ready to do something about it, and I'm really excited about it. I'm really scared too, obviously."
Aydin's videos, which feature him talking sincerely to the camera, are raw.
"They're real, honest and vulnerable. I leave them up because they created an opportunity for me to step into the darkest corners of my being and have a conversation with myself," he said, calling the videos a sort of "published journal."
As the videos progress, he has his chest surgery, and, lying on the hospital bed with a contented look of exhaustion in his eyes, the camera captures the first time his mirrored reflection depicted who he was on the inside.
As time goes by, his soft facial features become more pronounced. He sits in front of the camera, shirtless and unabashedly showing his scars as well as new facial hair. He also marks the journey with a few new tattoos, including one on his abdomen that reads, "LIVE WITH INTENTION."
In the videos, he candidly talks about the physical and emotional changes he's endured. As his testosterone injections progress, he notes emotional changes, how he "didn't care about stuff in the same way" and didn't know whether it was the hormones or simply life experience that caused those changes.
Today, more than 130 of Aydin's videos remain on YouTube. They're just a few of the millions of videos transgender individuals from around the nation have uploaded to document their experiences.
The Internet provided Aydin with 100 percent of his information, including how to locate doctors and navigate his transition emotionally and physically. The online transgender community also proved to be an integral source of support.
"It was the only place where we could find each other," he said. "It was a secret way I could connect and get resources, and I didn't have to include anyone else in that process."

In late April, Aydin will celebrate the three-year anniversary of his first testosterone injection. He will be required to inject the hormone for the rest of his life.
So far, his medical bills have exceeded $20,000, none of which are covered by his insurance. The struggle to pay them is a constant reminder that he has been marginalized by the medical community.
He is still learning social skills, especially with straight men, the same people he saw as his oppressors for so many years. He also struggles with his lack of place in the gay community.
To help make sense of it all, Aydin leads a bimonthly transgender-support group at the Stonewall Alliance Center, among other efforts, and regularly speaks publicly in the Chico community about transgender issues.
In retrospect, Chico was a relatively tolerant place to transition, but Aydin remains vigilant about his safety. Eventually, he would like to open a therapeutic practice that specializes in gender-specific and trans-related services, an area that he sees lacking in Chico. He's also working with a local doctor who recently decided to take steps to begin offering hormone treatments to trans individuals, a sign that Chico's climate is warming.
Today, Aydin's appearance leads society to treat him as a man. It's been a big adjustment for him and the people he loves, and he still grieves the life he never lived—the children he will never biologically father, the boyhood he never had.
"He said he considers it a gift that he has the opportunity to educate his peers—including his supporters and doctors—about the complicated experience of being transsexual.
And while he considers his transition to still be a work in progress, he insists the decision saved his life.
"[That's] because I am a man," he said. "I've always been male; my body just didn't tell you that story.

Contact us about this story

Lady Boy???

2011-02-11T09:00:00.001+03:00

Labels.

I hate labels.

Friday January 28, 2011
New Thai airline hires transsexual stewardesses
P.C. Air – a new airline in Thailand – has hired three transsexuals among its first batch of air hostesses, Sin Chew Daily reported.
The successful candidates include Miss Tiffany Universe 2007 winner Thanyarat Jiraphatpakorn, 23.
They will be given a "third sex name tag" while on duty to avoid immigration issues.
Miss Tiffany Universe is the most popular beauty pageant contest for the community.
It is an annual event held in Pattaya. (read more)

Labels.

Heard this story on Kiss 100 FM today morning on the Big Breakfast and I thought to myself, "what a nice thing to do". But then I was like, why specifically "transsexual"? Why even go further and say "lady boys"? Why not just say "transsexuals are also encouraged to apply" so that its a level playing field?

Just a thought... you tell me

XOXO

2010: My Best Year EVER!!!

2011-01-31T15:52:00.000+03:00

I just realised that the year has gone and I have not paid proper tribute to it.

You have to realise that 2010 for me, was THE BEST YEAR of my life!!

Lets just walk through it and we see.

January was the time I finally went to the doctor to get checked, was worried about dealing with repercussions of transition.

February came and I was moving, oh the drama! Then came the time I was worried about losing my job. Life in March was getting better.

April was the month I had my Orchidectomy! In May there was me enjoying my life even more, and in June I blogged about my sexuality and about just how much my Mum means to me :)

July and August passed... September saw me reminisce on the day I said "enough is enough", October came, November too and in December I met most of my family for the first time. What a day that was!

And there it is. 2010 laid bare. And damn was it good! It saw the real me come out properly; like a blossoming flower, blooming and letting loose! Oh am so happy!!!

So far so good. I am more and more thankful. Beyond being at peace with myself and I could never be any more grateful for this opportunity.

My focus now is to see others in my position, or who are still wondering what,when,how,why,who and see if I can do something. Because I want this for someone else too.

*XOXO*

RIP: David Kato

2011-01-27T14:08:00.001+03:00

Its truly sad what has happened.

May his soul rest in peace and may his fight and the fight of all Ugandan LGBTI rights defenders and all others in EA grow in heights. A martyr he has become.

Ugandan Activist David Kato Murdered

David Kato

Human Rights Watch is calling on Uganda to promptly investigate the murder of David Kato, a prominent lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) activist working for Sexual Minorities Uganda (SMUG). A man entered David's home today and assaulted him with a hammer. He died on the way to hospital. David was on the front cover of the Rolling Stone tabloid with the headline "hang them." David was one of the plaintiffs in the successful lawsuit against the Rolling Stone.

Musings...

2011-01-16T10:43:00.001+03:00

I wonder if there is any girl, trans girl, out there, who likes the word "shemale". Why would you want to be called that? Or even "tranny". I don't like the words. I think they're derogatory. They're just wrong. Why would anyone want to always keep reminding me of the fact that I grew up male? Isn't it torturous enough just walking around with something hanging to always remind you? Then you come with your words to make the wound more sore?

I am still wondering about whether to tell or not. One of the things that are making me wonder is me asking myself, does it matter?

Does it matter? I ask that simply because I wonder if your view of me will change just because I I have "something different" from other girls. I wonder if your intentions of knowing me were even genuine. Or maybe you're just curious. But really, should it matter?

Here I am, trying hard to just be without being reminded constantly of this cross I carry, and yes its going well and am confident in my skin, but please, it is indeed harder when I have to reveal my medical history every now and then.

I think that's something I've been keeping in mind for quite sometime now and I do know that I have written about it quite often.

On a lighter note, I am happy about the progress my body is taking. In April it will be a year since I had the surgery and began taking hormones (which reminds me, someone accused me of being addicted to hormones... I wonder why he said that. Hmm.. anyway..).

I was curvy before I started, but a few months down the line, my hips broadened and I've noticed my waist getting smaller and smaller. Now, my boobs are larger and are getting fuller. I no longer use enhancers! That for me is am milestone.

I stopped worrying about my image and appearance a while back. I still do worry about it now and then, and the one thing that keeps reminding me of this, actually two, is that I still shave and I still have that lump.

Happy New Year!!

2011-01-03T17:42:00.000+03:00

Its a brand new year! Got so much I want achieved this year! Can't wait to get it on with..

Its been 8 months now... from when this happened! I'm so excited.

One of the things am looking at closely is this. So by April I should have progressed more! Yay!

Life is sweet. I don't take it for granted not one bit! I am forever thankful.

Its good to be me. To be truly me. I like the way (though not so much a good thing) my friend tells me "you're such a girl".. makes me smile....

Anyway, I'm still here... still alive... still smiling... still pretty (apparently).... and still.....

ME!!

XOXO

Yeah... Boys Again!

2010-12-26T10:35:00.000+03:00

I can't believe this.

I just can't believe am blogging about the same issues all over again. Maybe written in a different way but still, its the same thing.

BOYS.

You know, the sad part is that I am in a relationship. A good one at that. And no, its not that the relationship is on the rocks or anything, quite contrary actually, its amazing. Its the sad fact that I, being oh so monogamous n all, can't and won't cheat on my M. I won't. I can't.

Yet the temptation is always there. Always. And it keeps increasing.

Sometimes I feel like am gonna do something about it... like become ugly or something.... just to avoid boys getting interested in me..... but then there is that fear that if I do that M will not be happy.... though he should be into me for me and not for how I look like.... then again, .. argh! Sucks!!

I know, I know... this is the usual stuff (most) girls go through. Sometimes I think I'm too nice. Or something close to that.

But I am left to wonder.... when I see my friends and peers... and hear all the stuff they go through.... and how they don't hold onto a relationship for long... because they're always cheating n stuff.... I always find it interesting... how someone can do that..... you know... sleep with several people within a span of a few months.. or even weeks. I can't do that. I honestly can't.

Yet that's the least of my worries. I said I've mentioned this before. I feel so bad. Because I'm meeting new people all the time and I'm always wondering when or whether at all to tell them about "my medical history" (as Bree on 'TransAmerica' puts it). And its more for the guys who (obviously) are into me. It gets hard. And let me just go on ranting because this will help me (and maybe someone else out there) figure it out..

Anyway... lets see.. I will know what to do..

XOXO

Merry Christmas and Boxing Day to you all!!

TESTING TESTING 123...

2010-12-17T20:13:00.000+03:00

Hey there.

Just testing how I can keep y'al updated via phone. Lets see how it goes!

XOXO

----------
Sent from my Nokia phone

My Family Reunion

2010-12-03T17:28:00.000+03:00

Our family had a reunion of sorts recently and I was invited. Yes I was! Here's what happened.

10.00 am – Too scared...

I was extremely nervous. I didn't know what to do, whether to show up or not. I was freaking out so much! EVERYONE was going to be there! And guess where it would be taking place.... my relative's place. Yea, her. Later on you'll see that she's getting there. My grandparents were there too. Yes, one of them who wanted to tear up this article when it was shown to them.

2.00 pm – Sh!t am gonna be late!

I was supposed to be there by then! I'm still so so far, stuck in traffic and to make matters worse, our roads ministry decides to do repairs on our road! Bummer!!

4.00 pm – Sh!t am so so late!

Damn! I'm 2 hrs late. Even the food's finished and some people are already getting tipsy! Oh! I walk in and I see one of my smaller relatives. She's like 4 or 5 and this was the first time she sees me. “You look like Leo with make-up on” she remarks.. this would go on the whole time I'm there. I couldn't help not feeling sorry for her. I just wished it was easier breaking it down for her.

Soon am in and my mum sees me and her face lights up. She's overly excited to see me. I later learn that she was very anxious and worried that I wouldn't make it, that Id develop cold feet. She introduces me to everyone. Gosh! There's like 20 people here! Oh how am I gonna handle this? Such thoughts cross my mind. Some of them couldnt stop staring at me. Some of them embrace me, the ones who've met me before and are supportive. I am such a blessed girl. So so blessed. No one was offensive. Not even my grandparent! What more could I ask for?

The boys...

I meet the boys. They're seated outside since the women and children are inside. Quite a very African type setting where women sit over some tea and biscuits inside and watch tv as they exchange life stories while the men sit outside over beer and spirit bottles talking about who scored and what game is next...such stuff.

So I go outside to the boys. They stare. The good thing is that a quarter of them don't know me and another quarter don't remember me. The rest are family. They know me. Just hadn't met me. I'm all tense. Ever since I stepped in I've been so tense! I greet them, exchange pleasantries and get to know the newbies. They're family too, I learn. I can see my family finding it hard to introduce me to them but luckily they don't slip on the name thing. They say it so well. I almost shed a tear or two; in my head I'm like “Why me? This is so surreal! Never expected this”.

Back inside we start chatting with the rest of the women. I can see my relative, yea her, she tells me she's happy to see me. I'm surprised. She continues to say that its gonna take her time, a long time to get round to it but she's happy I'm happy. I tell her she can take all the time she needs. She still has an issue with the name. Still difficult letting go and using the new one. I can see she's trying but she's struggling. I understand we're wired differently and people do things the way it feels best and right for them. I can't blame her. I can never do that.

Too Many Questions.....

I meet a long lost friend of a relative; practically family too. This would be the first time he meets me. Hes dumbfounded. The first time he vehemently denies that I am the same person he knew two years ago. (he was out of the country). We sit and talk and I explain to him everything from start to end. I promise to give him more literature to help him understand. I can see he's also quite mesmerised by everything and can't believe his eyes. Its not something easily understood in matter of minutes. But he's okay with it and even compliments me on my beauty. I am thankful, I tell him. Thankful that I am more than blessed. Later on, after some drinks, I talked to my male relative who was also finding it hard to grasp things. And we agreed that more sharing was to be done. Probably another family gathering!

*****

It was a good day. Best of all is that they're supportive. I am overly amazed. More than amazed!! I cannot say just how much I am thankful to the Almighty!!!! I have absolutely no words to describe it.

*XOXO*

Getting Hit On

2010-11-26T11:33:00.000+03:00

One of the nice things about being me, being myself, is that I now get hit on more than before. Oh yes, if you've read my blog, you've seen that I acually was being hit on by guys before, and the occasional girl (eek!).

But this also comes with a price. Let me break it down in two ways.

1. When I get hit on by a guy am not interested in – Nairobi girl thought process.

Here definitlely the first thought that pops into my head is “What the eff are you trying? You really think you got game? You ain't got nothing on me!” That's what I think. Because honestly, I ain't interested. And this happens mostly in matatu rides! A guy (usually the kange (slang for conductor)) looks at me and goes “Wawawawaaa si ur hot! So do you mind giving me your digits?” Okay, seriously? This guy, who is clearly way off my radar, off my 'is-hot' scale, things he's got a chance with me. And even then, that I will just smile and say “07....” and voila! Is he effing serious?? It doesn't make sense to me at all!!

2. When I get hit on by a guy I am interested in – Trans girl thought process.

Now this is the hard part. I meet a guy, maybe in the club or something. And he's smokin hot! And more so, he's approaching me!! Then he asks for my number or to buy me a drink or something. Do you know what the first thing that pops into my mind is?

“OMG! Now what am I gonna tell him? When will I tell him am trans? How will he take it? OMG he's totally gonna hate me and tell everyone He's totally gona squirm and never talk to me again! Uh!! HUH!!!”

Yea. Quite frustrating ainnit? Bah! I am yet to cross this hurdle.

But see, lemme confess, I have met guys who I thought were quite something and I was into them. Then definitely met with the same dilemma of when or whether to tell them about my past/situation. And I have told them and they were okay with it. I wonder why. I've always wanted to know what goes on in their mind when they meet someone like me. What do they think when they discover I'm not exactly what they (might have) pictured in their minds? What is it that tells them its okay? Fine, its a good thing that they are accepting, in fact, its amazing! I'm not questioning that, am merely trying to know how it feels like on their side. You know, being straight and especially being sorta off ish on gay men and then along comes me, with what I have 'down there'. Lets face it people, its a curious thing. Is it easier when what you see face value helps to ignore, in a way, what's lying underneath? Is that it? Please note, I'm not in anyway questioning why men are attracted to me, am merely poking questions. I'm trying to let your minds wander. Don't you wonder?

Curious isn't it?

*XOXO*

Family Woes

2010-11-25T14:16:00.000+03:00

I love my Mum. Y'all know that by now. We talk/chat/text etc every day and we're like sisters (very true!). I can't at all say how much she means to me. She's my rock. She means the world to me. And she knows that. Its just that I never know how exactly to express my love/gratitude/happiness/joy/peace/understanding etc to her. I simply have no words. Everytime someone tells me "You're very lucky, you know that?" and I respond "I know..." I feel like its a brag statement. Or an 'I-don't-care' statement. Or like indifferent in a way. No, when I say "I know" I truly mean that. As in, I know, but I'm still amazed.

Not many mothers are like that. I am indeed, truly, blessed to have you mom.

Now, the harder part is getting to be 'okayed' by the rest of the family. I don't have siblings so the only other family I have is my extended family. My cousins, uncles, aunts and grandparents - all from my mother's side of the family. Its taking time to have them understand me and know me (this new me) better and see that I'm no different than the old me....if anything, I'm far far better.

I gotta admit, I miss my aunt. I miss my grandparents. I really, truly, wish they'd understand me & embrace me. I truly wish they'd see that I'm not brainwashed. That I'm a happier, better person now more than ever. Its been a while (like almost a year) since I last saw my grandmum and I feel I will be seeing her soon. I am kinda worried about how she will take me, how she will treat me, how she will relate with me. I'm just worried. But I am strong. I shall remain strong. And take it on as it comes. I shall await and see how it goes. I believe it won't be bad. I know it won't.

She'll be fine.

*XOXO*

ISIS KING: I See Myself In Her

2010-11-16T14:10:00.001+03:00

In as much as there are tons of transgender persons to emulate in the world, there is one woman that has always stood out for me.

Isis King.

Her life has always been an inspiration to me. I remember watching the videos on YouTube of her being interviewed by Tyra Banks (who is also a huge inspiration to me) and getting teary at how much her life is similar to mine. Its amazing. She talks of how she feels of her **** and I can't agree more. I really can't. And that's just but one of the things that she talks of in her interview(s) with Tyra that just make me all teary and smile and hope.

When she was told that she's going to be sponsored by Tyra and Marci Bowers to have her surgery done, I only had one thing in mind: I wish the same would happen to me.

Go to YouTube and check out the videos. I swear, I would sound the same if it were me!

*XOXO*

The Usual

2010-11-15T16:13:00.001+03:00

On Saturday 20th November I shall have clocked 7 Months since I began taking hormones (properly) and since I had my surgery. If you've not been following, look at my first month's post, the second and the fifth month. Quite something! Its exciting news for me. (Funny, they look like those stuff people say at AA meetings haha!)

Apparently, and I have said this before, I am not as anonymous as I'd want to be. So all ye who know me, thanks for the support. Its always good to have you all around, and do keep the anonymity, its important for me to know its still there, real or not. Its no worries. I am hoping for the best. All the ones who have beef with me (and/or people like me) I am sorry you feel that way. My advice? Pray for me. I really want to walk on golden streets.

Again, I sincerely want to thank everyone who follows my life (following my blog is following my life! *creepy*). It makes me happy to know that y'all have a better understanding about a girl who is transgender and living in Kenya. It makes me happy to know that my few posts here and there have made a considerable mark in the Kenyan blogosphere and all other internet arenas.

And on that note, it isn't that weird right? You know, I am not weird? People always look at you like "OMG how is it?" and in my head am like "dude(tte) - its not all that! am just simple... a Kenyan girl who happens to have small boobs and a d***.

Something else on my mind is that I seriously want, no, need to go for electrolysis! Or was it laser hair removal? Anyway, you get my drift. While I have somehow gotten used to shaving my face every 2-3 days (dread!), everytime I do it I remind myself that I do need to go do it. Sadly, it costs money and am not yet prepared. I also am at a point where I am shifting focus in other angles and I shall need the money there.

Last thing, the "I am an alien" status has not changed yet. Its dragging on and on and quite frankly am reaching boiling point. But not to worry, I shall wait.

Patience pays. I learnt.